Not to understand: Your House/Wedding/Child Your Rules?

(122 Posts)
Hullygully Thu 28-Mar-13 11:54:43

What happened to manners?

What happened to consideration for other people, putting one's guests first, or making people feel comfortable or just mutually agreeing a framework of behaviour around kids?

How can it work if everyone has Me Me Mine about Their Rules??

Pandemoniaa Thu 28-Mar-13 11:58:49

YANBU. I absolutely agree. If there's one cliche that makes my head boil it's any of the variations on "My House/My Rules".

Maryz Thu 28-Mar-13 12:01:20

Don't be silly [baffled].

The rooools are very simple, really.

My world, my rools. Everyone else can sod orf.

<disclaimer: there may be a touch of sarcasm in that post, just in case anyone with no soh might not recognise it>

thezebrawearspurple Thu 28-Mar-13 12:02:20

That's fine if your guests also have manners and consideration, unfortunately there will always be some idiot with none. I wouldn't allow someones kid to break anything in my home/wreck my wedding/ while their oblivious parent smiles away or allow someone feed my toddler coke, my 'manners' stop at another persons rudeness or overstepping of my boundaries. What about that is hard to understand?

yes. I particularly enjoy the no shoes in house ones for guests. Good manners means taking it on the chin and running the hoover or ghastly fake smell stuff over it when they leave. not frothing at the mouth and making everybody sitting in your living room/around your dining table miserable. or get some therapy. or summat.

zebra, did you mean to sound aggressive? who ever said your point of view is hard to understand? perhaps we just dont agree with it? Ya know? No biggie?

people are very cross atm I find.

Hullygully Thu 28-Mar-13 12:05:58

zebra, it isn't a choice between consideration for one's guests and being shat all over. No one is talking about letting someone destroy your home/wedding confused

You must know some odd people if you have to impose Your Rules to stop them destroying your life.

Maryz Thu 28-Mar-13 12:08:08

Oh, yes. I have really stinky smelly feet, and I don't see why I should embarrass myself by taking my shoes off in other people's houses. It's ridiculous.

Fair enough for kids - they may have been playing in muck. But my shoes are pretty clean, thank you very much. I wipe them, if you have a doormat.

Maryz Thu 28-Mar-13 12:09:06

And as for the wedding one - yes, you can impose any rules you like on your own wedding and the guests, but then don't moan if they (a) think you are a control freak and (b) don't go, meaning (c) they don't give you vast sums of cash.

YouTheCat Thu 28-Mar-13 12:11:59

Your thread, your rules. grin

But yes, I will always go down the consideration route and treat others how I'd like to be treated. It doesn't always work but at least I'm not the one who looks like an inconsiderate twat.

BegoniaBampot Thu 28-Mar-13 12:12:09

As long as they leave their shoes at the door...

wannabeEostregoddess Thu 28-Mar-13 12:12:22

I agree with zebra and dont find her post aggressive tbh.

People are too willing to stick their nose in. If I am paying for my own wedding I will decide on the detail. I will consider other people because I want everyone to enjoy it, but ultimately its our day.

Same with my kids. I dont need advice unless I ask and just because I dont do something the same way as the next person doesnt make it wrong.

Manners can only work if everyone has them. And sadly some people are lacking.

thezebrawearspurple Thu 28-Mar-13 12:12:22

Madame; Aggressive? I didn't intend to and I don't think I did rereading that post. You're seeing things which aren't there. I was answering ops question from my own point of view, not attacking her.

Hully; I don't get your point, I rarely have had to enforce any 'rules', most of the time when posters are given advice on here urging them 'your house/wedding/rules' etc... their problem is people who are overstepping their boundaries or potentially causing harm in some way.

I kind of suspect that a lot of RULES are a substitute for normal human interaction.

So you get My House, My Rules, You Must Take Off Your Shoes.... instead of, 'Do you mind taking off your shoes?' and then Maryz says, 'Actually, my clean shoes are preferable to my stinky feet', and then you say, 'Ah okay, hahaha, no worries.'

Maryz Thu 28-Mar-13 12:14:53

Well this thread is going well so far grin

I suspect Thoughtful Thursday is soon to be replaced by Thuggish Thursday, and we can all have a bunfight

abbyfromoz Thu 28-Mar-13 12:15:25

If you are so big on manners then isn't it good manners to respect other people's decisions on their rules while you have the honour of being their guest? I.e. if friends say shoes off in their house then i will damn well take my shoes off... If they say they would rather not have children at their wedding well- they're paying for it! Who am i to impose? Would be privileged to have had an invite on their special occasion...
If someone says to me they would rather i not give their child a chocolate or let them watch tv then i certainly wont disrespect that! If they went through the making, giving birth & sleepless nights etc then they are the ones who have earned the right to say what they would/wouldn't like when it comes to the raising of that child. Makes perfect sense to me!

WorriedMummy73 Thu 28-Mar-13 12:16:13

The recent wedding ones (re: sitting couples apart) have really made me go confused. I've only ever been to two weddings - the first was a posh sit-down do at a hotel and everyone had to find their seats, but I was sat with DP and other people we knew. There was a woman on our table who didn't know ANY of us though and she was really uncomfortable all evening. I really felt for her.

The other one was just me and DD (who was 2.5 at the time). Again at a hotel, but no set places, everyone sat where they liked and with who they liked. Worked for me cos it was my cousin't wedding and I'm not close to that side of the family and didn't know any of her friends. So I sat with her brother and his friend (who I knew years ago). Huge fuss was made of DD and I was looked after (being 6 months pg) and had a great time.

I don't understand anyone who does the whole 'my wedding, my rules' thing. If I ever get married I would want my guests to enjoy themselves and say what a great time they had at my wedding, not exert control of everyone and everything! Then again, I have a man's attitude to weddings and wedding planning anyway - I cannot think of a bigger pita than choosing flowers/napkins/table settings, etc.

Sorry for the hijack!

Hullygully Thu 28-Mar-13 12:18:42

abby

manners are very clear: the host makes the guest comfortable and puts them first.

So while as the host you hope the guest may notice the piles of shoes at the door and choose to remove hers, you certainly don't ask them to, let alone compel them.

Then when the guest is the host, the same thing applies.

That is what manners ARE.

wannabeEostregoddess Thu 28-Mar-13 12:18:47

The supposed aggression on this thread is going right over my head. confused

Hullygully Thu 28-Mar-13 12:20:24

And as for weddings, there has been a real change in attitude.

As an old person I see the change clearly.

It was never ever a case of Your Day Your Rules, it was always seen as a public and social occasion and manners were applied thusly, courtesy was extended, all family members invited of all ages, all needs catered for.

I blame Thatcher and the rise of individualism.

YouTheCat Thu 28-Mar-13 12:20:25

I always ask if the host wants me to take my shoes off. All of dd's friends ask me when they come over. Though these days the carpet is pretty much buggered so I'm really not bothered.

YouTheCat Thu 28-Mar-13 12:20:54

I blame Thatcher for most things.

wannabeEostregoddess Thu 28-Mar-13 12:21:05

I agree that taking shoes off is ridiculous. But I cant see how cousin Maud wanting a special seat beside the Bride and venison instead of the turkey everyone else is having, should be pandered to in the name of manners.

TheOriginalSteamingNit Thu 28-Mar-13 12:22:25

I don't like it either. Except that I wish I could have a my house- my rule that MIL can't just drop in. grin

Hullygully Thu 28-Mar-13 12:23:18

No, because again that is extreme. But if cousin Maud wants a seat near the loo because she is a little incontinent and prefers an omelette as she can't digest meat...then why the hell not? Consideration.

Maryz Thu 28-Mar-13 12:23:18

No, but if Maud was a vegetarian and wanted a seat with her elderly mother, that would be fair enough. And (watching aibu here) some brides seem to have a major problem with any requests at all.

Trills Thu 28-Mar-13 12:23:53

manners are very clear: the host makes the guest comfortable and puts them first.

I disagree that it is as simple as that.

Sometimes people's preferences as to what will "make them comfortable" are significantly opposed. If the host will have to endure mild discomfort in order for the guest to be comfortable, they should do so. But if, in order to make the guest 100% comfortable, the host would have to be very unhappy, perhaps the guest could survive being only 90% comfortable as a compromise.

Hullygully Thu 28-Mar-13 12:24:00

It would be really interesting to see if the debate falls into age camps (knowing Mary to be my age)

Hullygully Thu 28-Mar-13 12:24:38

Which is 22 (the age)

Trills is a middling age as evidenced by her answer

If I had a hot date and some beautifully suited and booted beau turned up on my doorstep with a bottle of chateaufeuf du pape I would not make him take his shoes off. the romance would be killed.

usualsuspect Thu 28-Mar-13 12:25:02

Whatever happened to being nice to people?

MN is full of rigid my house/my rules etc posters.

How can you live like that?

or chateauneuf even...

Salmotrutta Thu 28-Mar-13 12:25:11

Doesn't it depend on The Rule?

For example, what if someone lit up a fag in a non-smokers front room?

Although people don't generally do that nowadays do they?

Maryz Thu 28-Mar-13 12:25:17

x-posted Hully.

Obviously you and I are both old gimmers.

You know what's got me recently - there have been a few threads about whether children should get up to let adults sit down. My children would get up to let an adult sit, whether it was in our house, their house, the bus or anywhere. Because they are children (well actually technically one is an adult now) and they have been taught respect.

I can't get over people saying children have as many rights as adults and shouldn't be turfed out of the armchair by the fire when Granny comes to visit.

Pandemoniaa Thu 28-Mar-13 12:25:20

The whole My Wedding/My Rules thing is so unnecessary if you start from the basis that you'd like your guests to enjoy the day and get pleasure from sharing such an important day with you. To impose ridiculous demands on your guests and justify them with My Wedding/My Rules suggests that you've either forgotten or never bothered to clutter your head with the basic concepts of good manners and hospitality.

abbyfromoz Thu 28-Mar-13 12:25:54

If you are so big on manners then isn't it good manners to respect other people's decisions on their rules while you have the honour of being their guest? I.e. if friends say shoes off in their house then i will damn well take my shoes off, might have a bit of an eye roll on the way home with DH about it but i will respect their house and not take it personally... If they say they would rather not have children at their wedding well- they're paying for it! Who am i to impose? Would be privileged to have had an invite on their special occasion...
If someone says to me they would rather i not give their child a chocolate or let them watch tv then i certainly wont disrespect that! If they went through the making, giving birth & sleepless nights etc then they are the ones who have earned the right to say what they would/wouldn't like when it comes to the raising of that child. Makes perfect sense to me!

That being said we don't care if people leave their shoes on in our house, all of our (close) friends know that they can help themselves to whatever they like in our house... We have a more relaxed approach- but we are also very comfortable with guiding each other's children (e.g. 'Settle down now please let's have a bit of quiet' etc)
We also had anyone who wanted to come to our wedding... My sister (bridesmaid) left the chapel mid ceremony to BF her DS because he was screaming... Bit annoying but not catastrophic in the big picture.

wannabeEostregoddess Thu 28-Mar-13 12:26:28

Yes but usually it becomes Your wedding etc Your rules when the request leaves consideration.

I have never seen it said in a reasonable situation.

Hullygully Thu 28-Mar-13 12:27:05

yy children should let adults sit down

fag is extreme (especially now), would have been all right a few years ago mind

abbyfromoz Thu 28-Mar-13 12:27:17

Oops hadn't finished and didn't realise first post went through! shock haha

obviously it works best if both host and guest have manners. and use them. the conflict comes when one is behaving well and the other has never or refuses the learn the basic courtesies that make life go round that little bit better. consideration. politesse. not sweating the small things. ya know.

TheBigJessie Thu 28-Mar-13 12:27:50

I came up with a solution to wedding-angst, after my husband relayed to me what SIL had said about some of my proposed choices. I didn't have a wedding! We eloped.

Maryz Thu 28-Mar-13 12:27:58

Also, getting back to the shoes, obviously no-one with that rule has our hereditary stinky feet.

Honestly, you would ask me to put my shoes back on if I was in your house.

And - what about sweaty socks? Aren't wiped shoes more hygienic than revoltingly sweaty socks. And in the summer, what about bare feet and verrucas? Half the kids I know have verrucas (verrucae, whatever).

PoppyWearer Thu 28-Mar-13 12:28:08

Sadly I am related to know a few people who think the world revolves around them, and have learnt from bitter experience (a trashed carpet, as it happens) that the rules have to be in place, for my wedding/house/children or my DCs, DH and I will be left to pick up the pieces!

TheOriginalSteamingNit Thu 28-Mar-13 12:28:27

Never had a wedding...
Wouldn't ever dream of asking anyone to take shoes off - I'd rather they kept them on tbh!
Would hope my children would move - I think they would - and if not I'd subtley convey to them that they ought to.
I can remember being irritated when the girls were smaller and had friends who'd get up and wander about while everyone else was still eating, or ask for more when they hadn't eaten what they had, or request that their bit of bolognese had no onions in.... but I would never have been able to say 'no, in this house we.....' or anything.

just bitched about them later

Hullygully Thu 28-Mar-13 12:29:31

ah but friends shouldn't say, "shoes off in my house"

that is rude.

They are only allowed to hope in silence that they will be removed.

I have a shoe free house and one of my bestest friends doesn't take her shoes off, after FIFTEEN years, her dh and dc all take them off. But I wouldn't dream of saying anything.

Chandon Thu 28-Mar-13 12:29:53

It is a class thing, imo, or regional

I only ever came across the "My house My rules" attitude on MN

Trills Thu 28-Mar-13 12:30:10

What is a middling age hmm?

Maryz Thu 28-Mar-13 12:30:12

I had a wedding. Many, many, many years ago, before the dawn of time.

The rules were very simple.

My wedding, my mum's rules grin. Having said that, I did enjoy it, and judging by the alcohol consumption so did most of the guests.

Salmotrutta Thu 28-Mar-13 12:31:13

What if someone came to visit and, during tea and cake, asked if you would put the TV on so they could watch the rugby/football/golf?

Hullygully Thu 28-Mar-13 12:31:25

yes Nit, altho I was known, when all the dc were small, for dashing round the table with a flannel and wiping all the hands I could get at before they all got down again. and faces

usualsuspect Thu 28-Mar-13 12:31:28

I always imagine the my house/my rules posters handing their guests a house rule book before they get through the door.

Pandemoniaa Thu 28-Mar-13 12:31:57

There's a world of difference between "My Preferences" and "My Rules" too.

Waspie Thu 28-Mar-13 12:32:27

I don't mind what guests do in my house as long as they don't shag on the rug (it's just been cleaned) or light up.

I leave the decision on removal of shoes up to the guest. Weddings I try and avoid and tend to use DS as an excuse to send DP on his own. I have successfully avoided all weddings I've been invited to in the last 5 years except my sister's and DP's sisters which I couldn't really get out of <proud>

mary, didn't yoiu know alcohol consumption is not the essence of a good wedding? tsk.

TheOriginalSteamingNit Thu 28-Mar-13 12:33:02

I don't know anyone who would ask that, salmo, with the possible exception of my own father. I'd let him, and we'd all raise eyebrows in the other room, and he'd know it grin.

Maryz Thu 28-Mar-13 12:33:09

Salmo, has my dad been to visit you?

Having said that, in this house dh would leap to his feet and say "oh, I forgot about the golf/cricket/rugby/tiddlywinks, of course, let's put it on".

Hullygully Thu 28-Mar-13 12:33:19

oo that's a good one, Salmo. It would depend how important it was to them and how well I knew them. If it was clearly tres important I'd probably agree and just think to myself that they were thick louts.

My mum often has to have a little Corrie watch when she comes round, but it's only half an hour and she is an addict.

NomDeOrdinateur Thu 28-Mar-13 12:33:25

Depends on how far you take it - guests aren't allowed to play with my parrot (because she is afraid of strangers and will respond aggressively to people who aren't patient with her), and I don't allow shoes on in my home (because the carpet belongs to the landlord, who chose cream in his infinite wisdom, and we live in a very soggy, muddy area).

IME, "my wedding, my rules" can be invaluable because it's the least impolite way of negotiating other people's compulsion to push boundaries and create ill-feeling. For instance, when:

a) your parents want you to increase your wedding party by 1/3 in numbers (and therefore cost) to invite family members you don't get on with, even though your wedding is on a tight budget;
b) your ILs want you to video the whole thing at a cost of £300 for somebody who couldn't come, despite the fact that you have always hated cameras and aren't even having an official wedding photographer, and your wedding is again on a tight budget;
c) your ILs want you to hire a minibus to transport 14 people between the church, the pub, and the house, even though family members have already offered and agreed to a "driving rota" that gets everybody where they need to be comfortably, and again you're on the aforementioned tight budget;
d) pretty much everybody other than your fiance feels very strongly that the possession of a vagina disqualifies you from keeping your own surname after marriage;
e) there is literally only one seating arrangement that keeps together everybody who wants to be together and separates one's deliberately antagonistic MIL and BIL (who proved they couldn't be trusted to make innocuous smalltalk the night before) from one's own parents and DB.

I felt like a right bridezilla uttering the phrase (which, I agree, is usually deployed to mask somebody else's bullishness and lack of respect for others), but I probably resented the fact that I was being forced to use it more than the recipients objected to hearing it.

Maryz Thu 28-Mar-13 12:33:57

Isn't it Madame shock? It was an Irish wedding, if that explains it [arf]

You see I am really nice. I smoke. not a lot< but I do. if I have other people round who hate smoking, and certainly when children are around I don't smoke. I feel that would be rude. and no my home does not reek of fag smoke. (roll ups stink less than readymades) and I am a fan of fresh air and breezes blowing through and scented candles (but naice ones) etc. you see the fact I even felt the need to justify myself is annoying. I am a good host!

abbyfromoz Thu 28-Mar-13 12:35:29

Maryz.. PMSL @ putting shoes back on! Lol
We have friends who ask us to take shoes off... The only reason that annoys me is when i am in the process of doing so! Lol... Literally just turn up at the door and they are all 'shoes off!' While i already have a boot off... Lol

P.s the answer to having your wedding your rules is do it abroad! That way only people who reeeally love you and are willing to travel will be there...well that was the plan we got married in Thailand- still had 100 people turn up! Lol we must just be really loved grin

DiscoDonkey Thu 28-Mar-13 12:35:55

I hate our new lounge carpet, I thought it would be great but instead it's turned dh in a right precious knob. Wish we just had the old shitty carpet that no one cared about.

Wonder if anyone else ever got divorced over a carpet?

maybe I am deluding myself. but I do know most folk will crawl over broken glass to eat at mine!

SneezingwakestheJesus Thu 28-Mar-13 12:40:04

Its all about balance isn't it? Like if you have a certain rule in your house like no TV while we eat and then a guest comes and wants to watch TV while they eat, that one time isn't going to affect the host so the guest should come first. But then if you have a no smoking rule in your house and a guest lights up without asking, that is going to make the host have to breathe it in too which is pretty bad manners in itself.

On the shoes front, I'm sure new people who come to my house think I'm a bad host for making them take their shoes off because guests come first and all that but the people who know me and come round regularly respect that I have OCD and shoes inside would trigger off a lot of anxiety etc and make me unable to think about anything else the entire time they were there.

Massive ramble condensed = in some situations, it really should be your house your rules but in others, the balance should be more towards making guests comfortable.

TheBigJessie Thu 28-Mar-13 12:40:17

To be honest, I didn't really want a wedding. There would be people looking at me. All my choices were geared towards making sure I could endure it.

So, I consider myself saved, and whenever anyone brings it up, I just smile in a puzzled way, and say, "it would either have been hell for the guests or hell for me. I don't want to pay to be miserable, so no wedding was better, surely?".

Bosgrove Thu 28-Mar-13 12:40:43

For us, my main house rule is no jumping on furniture. If my children jump on your furniture I will stop them as "We don't jump on furniture, do we?", but I wouldn't stop YOUR children in YOUR house.

However, in MY house, MY rules, therefore all jumping on furniture is stopped. If they want to jump, can jump on the floor or on the mini trampoline in the playroom.

I'd say sure, you can watch it in ds' room!

Pandemoniaa Thu 28-Mar-13 12:42:11

I always imagine the my house/my rules posters handing their guests a house rule book before they get through the door.

They are almost certainly the sort of people who would queue up to buy the "My House/My Cat/My Rules" poster I saw this week. It concluded, charmlessly, with the words "I prefer my cat to you anyway".

Maryz Thu 28-Mar-13 12:42:27

Oh, TheBigJessie - I saw your name earlier when I was reminiscing on the broccoli thread, and I saw your hoverererer grin

TheBigJessie Thu 28-Mar-13 12:43:25

It's my biggest claim to fame! I may put it on my CV.

gnushoes Thu 28-Mar-13 12:43:52

I think it is an age thing. We didn't have any rules at our wedding except we wanted everyone to have a nice time. We do ask small kids to remove shoes but that's because they've usually just walked over a field to get here and we prefer that only the hall gets covered in mud. Slightly baffled by the arsiness of the My Rules brigade. Are they that scary in RL?

Salmotrutta Thu 28-Mar-13 12:46:31

See, I threw In the TV one because I remember Mum and Dad tutting in a horrified manner after the departure of a visiting couple when the man asked to watch something!

Very old-fashioned my folks. Well, they are in their 80s grin

What about casual throwing-of-legs over chair arms? Or feet propped up on a coffee table? Very rude but what a dilemma! Do you bite tongues?

Or say "Oi, feet off you oik"?

BlueberryHill Thu 28-Mar-13 12:48:14

Salmotrutta Thu 28-Mar-13 12:31:13

What if someone came to visit and, during tea and cake, asked if you would put the TV on so they could watch the rugby/football/golf?

I have a guest who regularly does this, BIL, does family make it any different? I do it but I find it really rude TBH, we're not a sporty household in that way. I think I find it annoying as he also gets the paper and goes to read it in another room leaving me, DH and SIL to look after the kids. I feel that I am there to provide food, entertain the children whilst he doesn't have to be charming / friendly or helpful in any way.

I hate the my house my rules etc and it normally isn't a problem. However when one particular child visits I do lay down three simple rules to all the children because otherwise it is mayhem that I spend hours clearing up. I cannot not invite them (family ructions) and I also hide the lego models (A whole other thread)

Annunziata Thu 28-Mar-13 12:48:21

Wedding threads are fascinating. Me, I bought a dress, phoned my million or so relatives and hired the church hall.

I don't get the your child ones. Normally it's 'DH thinks we should do X' and then everyone piles in with 'your child' confused Did you make the child yourself then?! Baffling.

It might be an age thing. I did a good deed (reunited lost mogg with its owner) and rather than call me to say thanks I got a text. it was a nice text, but why the hell not call (as they did when they needed the info for finding the mogg) to say thank you properly. I put myself out! I read a poster! I made ds scrubble in his school bag for a pen to write the number down! I blinking called her! it just seemed so casual for something they clearly cared so much about.

Trills Thu 28-Mar-13 12:50:14

I love wedding threads.

I like organising things and I think I'd love to organise a wedding but then I remember that there will be other people involved and other people are unreasonable.

maybe the problem is we don't have a critical mass of shared rules anymore.

abbyfromoz Thu 28-Mar-13 12:51:01

Salmo my DH does the feet on furniture thing! Even at restaurants!! I have to tell him off all the time! I wouldn't know what to say tbh...

usualsuspect Thu 28-Mar-13 12:51:12

My family are quite welcome to turn the TV on, read the paper and lay on the sofa if they want to.

I don't entertain my family TBH.

It's all going the the dogs. Yep. The dogs.

Salmotrutta Thu 28-Mar-13 12:51:56

How rude of him.

LTB.

PoppyWearer Thu 28-Mar-13 12:52:55

MadameDefarge I once found and rescued a lost cat (a vair expensive pedigree, no less) and the vet told me the owner had been beside herself and I should expect a gushing thank you letter...

...nothing.

Maryz Thu 28-Mar-13 12:53:45

Oh yes usual.

Anyone who comes to my house, puts their feet on the table, watches tv and reads the newspaper is very welcome to do so.

On the understanding that they also muck in with the washing up.

Salmotrutta Thu 28-Mar-13 12:54:18

Ah but usual you are usual.

TBH, family is a bit different.

I'm thinking more of non- family guests.

Salmotrutta Thu 28-Mar-13 12:55:34

But family or not, I hate people propping feet up on tables.

TheBigJessie Thu 28-Mar-13 12:57:00

I think there is now an MN consensus that there is no such things as "my lego- my rules" though.

PoppyAmex Thu 28-Mar-13 13:01:17

I totally agree with OP.

I find it amazing the amount if people posting things like "bitch MIL bought a yellow dress for my daughter and would like her to wear it once, when she knows I only like burnt sienna coloured dresses. ". Followed by " yanbu Hun, your baby your rules"

I want to scream "ungrateful, ungracious oaf" at them. blush

starfishmummy Thu 28-Mar-13 13:05:36

The TV one is interesting.

If any one drops in to our house, even family, I would turn the tv off so we can chat. On the basis that they have come to see us, not watch tv. When we go to the pils, my fil turns it up so he can carry on watching. I think that is rude, but I would never say so because that would be bad manners.

Salmotrutta Thu 28-Mar-13 13:14:15

Back in Ye Olden Days my great grandparents had a small holding.

There was an old ex-farm worker who stayed in a bothy nearby so GGMa used to have him over for meals.

It was during WWII so they used to put the radio on after supper to listen to the latest news.

The old man used to march off after refusing to listen to new fangled inventions grin

cory Thu 28-Mar-13 13:14:36

Sometimes it's short hand/euphemism for "this is what ordinary people regard as basic manners". Easier to tell a friend that "we have a non-fighting rule in this house" than "my children keep asking me not to invite yours around". Non-smoking rules also there for a reason. Otherwise I am relaxed.

But am thinking of invoking my-party-my-rules for my 50th as that is the only way I can see of keeping my mother from driving the entire extended family into stress-related breakdowns. I don't actually care about my bloody birthday but will step in to prevent bloodshed over-much misery. And the only way I can think of to do so is to say in a very firm way: This is my day and I make the rules.

Did invoke it at my wedding as my mother's uptightness about manners (=other wedding guests' dress code) very nearly stopped my SIL from coming. To my mother it was so obvious that not dressing in the way her generation had dressed at weddings was simply a deplorable departure from basic manners and that my poor SIL needed rescuing from the terrible consequences of this faux pas. Yes folks- SIL had already bought her dress: my mother offered to take her out to buy her a more appropriate one. At this point, I hinted that there was a serious risk that this wedding would have to take place without a bride!

Basically, if you have a tense, anxiety ridden control freak in your family, this rule can be a blessed relief.

Hullygully Thu 28-Mar-13 13:28:12

yes, but that again is an extreme, cory

tut

ICBINEG Thu 28-Mar-13 14:12:49

hully may I politely inform you of my preference for you to take your opinion on this matter, wrap it in cunt bunting and pop it up your bottom?

It's not that I disagree with you....it's just that I am testing out some new AIBU responses....

hm ICBINEG...think it needs refining. the best put downs never involve rudery. Or so I have found. I may be wrong. I frequently am.

ICBINEG Thu 28-Mar-13 14:23:43

maybe...although on an another thread 'fuck off cuntychops' is being heralded as the best post on MN ever.

Maggie111 Thu 28-Mar-13 14:27:50

I very much respect Your Rules. It is your house, if you don't want my germs on my shoes, then well, I'll take them off and stink your house out... You obviously care that much about it.

If you want me to go to a wedding and sit on a table with people I barely remember, whilst my dear friends are sat on another table (which is what happened sad ) then that's ok because it's your wedding and Your Rules.

But that's not because I have My Rules. I can't think of any that I have. In my home it is shoes on, I check regularly if guests are too hot or cold etc etc. We had a guest orientated wedding a couple of years ago... The only Rule I had was when a guest asked to bring his pitbull to the wedding. For realz... My wedding, My No Dogs Allowed Rule grin

ICBINEG Thu 28-Mar-13 14:28:30

On the actual thread topic, I would say YANBU.

In particular 'my child my rules' is a pile of wank. 'My child, my societies rules' would be closer to the mark....

I believe that somewhere out there, there actually is a BEST way to bring up a child with a given personality type etc. Once we know what that is we should all just do it....

It's a bit Ursula Leguin but I would like to see 'my child' outlawed from the language and replaced with 'the child I am responsible for' or maybe 'the child' or just their name....thinking of children as belongings is a Bad Thing.

WallyBantersJunkBox Thu 28-Mar-13 14:45:14

Manners are a two way thing, borne out of communication.

Scenario 1:

Ding dong!
Open door to guest: Hello, how lovely to see you, do come in. Can I take your coat. If you are more comfortable around the house without shoes please pop them over there and if you like, help yourself to those Ikea guest slippers.
No? No problem the lounge is through there....go in and make yourselves at home.

Scenario 2:

Guest: Do you mind if I smoke?
You: I'm sorry but we can't have smoke in the house due to the children, let me show you an area in the garden where you can enjoy your cigarette and I'll just get you an ashtray to use when you need to out there. Would you like a brolly?

Scenario 3:

Mr and Mrs Wally Banter are invited to the wedding of blah de blah.
FAQ note in with directions - "We hope you will understand that due to headcount this wedding is for invitees only and not their children on this occasion. Whilst we would love you to come and celebrate our happy day, we understand that distance and childcare can sometimes be difficult to plan. If that's the case, we look forward to celebrating individually with you on another occasion, best wishes the future Mr and Mrs Blah de Blah.

Why would any of that be difficult to execute?

WallyBantersJunkBox Thu 28-Mar-13 14:55:26

Salmotrutta Thu 28-Mar-13 12:31:13

What if someone came to visit and, during tea and cake, asked if you would put the TV on so they could watch the rugby/football/golf?

Resonse: Oh I'm terribly sorry, we don't have that channel, smile sweetly and stare unblinkingly at him like a mad woman

Then: Oooo do you have Radio 5 live in your car? Perhaps you could pop out and turn it on there, if not we have a radio in the shed you could go and listen to?

I think I find it annoying as he also gets the paper and goes to read it in another room leaving me, DH and SIL to look after the kids.

Response: Oh look kids, Uncle Twatface is retiring to the lounge with the paper. Why don't you join him and see if he can make some fun hats and boats out of it using origami, you know, the ancient art of Japanese paper folding. I bet he'd love to show you.

Then: Thanks for that Uncle Twatface, it will give us time to clear up after you all! <<close lounge door leaving kids with him>>

I also hide the lego models (A whole other thread)

Response: Anyone schlllaaag touches that Lego model and they are out, d'ya hear me, OUT!

The one thing where I would rigidly enforce My House, My Rules would be if someone wanted to smoke indoors.

Salmotrutta Thu 28-Mar-13 15:12:40

I already smile sweetly and stare like a mad woman...

I don't need encouraging.

Maryz Thu 28-Mar-13 15:18:09

I never realised before today what a contentious subject lego was shock

Salmotrutta Thu 28-Mar-13 15:19:30

Oh Lordy yes Maryz.

Where have you been?

TheBigJessie Thu 28-Mar-13 15:20:05

ICBINEG It's a bit Ursula Leguin but I would like to see 'my child' outlawed from the language and replaced with 'the child I am responsible for' or maybe 'the child' or just their name....thinking of children as belongings is a Bad Thing.

I agree with this.

Hullygully Thu 28-Mar-13 15:24:43

But my children ARE my possessions.

I am going to ebay them in due course.

Can one ebay? As a verb?

Hullygully Thu 28-Mar-13 15:25:29

Wally, I very much like both your name and your use of "ding dong"

ICBINEG Thu 28-Mar-13 15:26:15

you can definitely ebay as a verb....

WallyBantersJunkBox Thu 28-Mar-13 15:26:27

Salmo - it's the lack of blinking during eye contact that makes it frightening, to make it worse, add a slight tick....

TheBigJessie Thu 28-Mar-13 15:27:20

You, Hully, are part of Broken Britain. I will be writing a stirring (in both senses) polemic for a national newspaper about you, in due course.

ICBINEG Thu 28-Mar-13 15:28:28

man I really really wanted to deploy the HTH there...I could have gotten away with it...but it's just TOO PA.....I always back away from the brink...

WallyBantersJunkBox Thu 28-Mar-13 15:29:14

DingDong!

<<waits outside ICBINEG's house>>

ICBINEG Thu 28-Mar-13 15:32:50

<peers out through curtains, wonders who in their right mind travels with a portable doorbell, then hides under the bed>

WallyBantersJunkBox Thu 28-Mar-13 15:36:27

i just wanted to enquire on where one could purchase some "cunt bunting"?

<<Inquisitive>>

WallyBantersJunkBox Thu 28-Mar-13 15:36:46

MY BELL, MY RULES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hullygully Thu 28-Mar-13 15:38:05

except it's her bell

Hullygully Thu 28-Mar-13 15:38:29

Oh, unless it is your portable one, SOZ

WallyBantersJunkBox Thu 28-Mar-13 15:43:01

Yes i take it everywhere I go, for maximum DING DONG!

ICBINEG Thu 28-Mar-13 15:57:30

<lowers cunt bunting from the safety of an upstairs window>

Laquitar Thu 28-Mar-13 15:58:39

I prefer no shoes in the house and my friends know this.Imo everybody is allowed to have an 'odd thing' but it is how you express it.

I agree with the op and i think that you can play by your rules only but then you must accept that people can be rigid too. For example you can decide to marry abroad but dont expect people to pay 1K in flights to come, you can ban your ILs from your house but dont complain about lack of babysitting, you can throw in the bin the xmas present because it was pink but then dont complain if your children dont receive easter eggs and so on.

RatPants Thu 28-Mar-13 16:22:46

YANBU. Rude, rude, rude.

fishcalledwonder Thu 28-Mar-13 16:33:16

I agree with regards to rules in the house. I hope that any guests in my home feel welcome and comfortable enough to do what they like.

However, I've watched several friends spoil their own wedding in their attempts to please others, so am a big advocate of people putting themselves first on their wedding day.

MrsLion Thu 28-Mar-13 21:45:45

I don't think you can lump 'my child, my rules' with 'my house/ wedding my rules' etc...

I have pulled the 'my child, my rules' out for mil when all other discussion failed. It was nothing to do with manners.

I was requesting that my pre-schoolers who can't swim did need an adult in the pool with them, especially given it was over their heads. 
Mil insisted they were safe and could 'hang onto the side'. 

DH and I weren't there, before anyone asks why we weren't in the pool too.

Tbh I don't think parenting is 'decision by committee'. Of course there many influences in a childs life, and advice should be offered/received, opinions respected and experiences shared between wider family and friends. But at the end of the day, parents or caregivers make the decisions about their children.  

It's not a free-for-all, nor should it be. So IMO, in the right situation 'my child, my rules' is absolutely fine.

Incidentally, where I live it's considered bad manners not to take your shoes off when going into someone else's house. I twigged eventually after committing many a faux pas.

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