To ban SIL from seeing my DCs because of her DP

(50 Posts)
siladviceplease Thu 28-Mar-13 00:36:18

SIL has been with her DP for 6 years? I found out yesterday that my SILs DP has been in trouble with the police for having child porn on his computer. THis happened before SIL met him apparantly. My DH has known for a week ish, but didnt tell me! My DCs arent ever on there own with them. We are supposed to be going to see them Friday but i have told DH there is no way on earth i will be setting foot through there door again. DP doesnt like this and thinks IABU as hes never alone with out kids, and its his sister, his only family, he would lose if i refuse to take DCs there. So AIBU to not want my kids near this creep and to feel physically sick that hes been near and taken pics of my DCs?

(I have name changed for this as i find it very embarassing!)

Poppet48 Thu 28-Mar-13 00:46:21

YADNBU! I wouldn't want this either and your DH should be supporting you with your decision.

StuntGirl Thu 28-Mar-13 00:46:44

How/where did you find out and who from? What I'm getting at is how reliable is the information, or is it just gossip?

IneedAsockamnesty Thu 28-Mar-13 00:48:52

Yanbu to refuse to have your children around him but yabu if you refuse to have them around her when he is absent.

Invite her to yours but be honest about why he's not invited. If she can't get her head around him not being welcome and why then that's her problem.

siladviceplease Thu 28-Mar-13 00:55:23

Te information was just gossip my DP had heard after going into the corner shop in the estate SIL lives in, so he confronted SIL and she confirmed it to be true, but gave excuses for him it was a long time ago... he claims he covered up for his wife...... which i dont believe anyone would do.
I do feel sorry for SIL we live an hour away from her and she doesnt drive so she really wont see them, but then again its her choice to be with him...

AdoraBell Thu 28-Mar-13 01:00:00

YANBU and why do you feel sorry for her if she doesn't get to see your children?

Okay, I know she's a relative but you are responsible for keeping your children safe. She has decided to maintain a relationship with someone with this in his background, her choice, her look out. Does she have DCs?

MidnightMasquerader Thu 28-Mar-13 01:00:51

I'm a bit confused by your thread title.

Why do you need to ban her from seeing your DC? Him, yes, absolutely. But her?

I understand that it now might be difficult for her to see them if you're a distance away and she doesn't drive. But that just means she won't see much of them by default.

Do you really need to ban her from seeing them, though...?

siladviceplease Thu 28-Mar-13 01:02:30

She does have DCs and the worst part is that one was sexually abused as a child. I dont understand how she can want to be in a relationship with this 'man' im pretty disgusted with her and dont really want my DCs near her either if im honest! thats the part my DH thinks im BU about

MidnightMasquerader Thu 28-Mar-13 01:06:14

Ah OK, that sheds a slightly different light on things...

siladviceplease Thu 28-Mar-13 01:09:05

should probably have mentioned that bit in my OP

AdoraBell Thu 28-Mar-13 01:11:22

If her own DC was sexually abused it may be that she has blocked some things out, psychologically, and therefore genuinely doesn't see any risk - because her mind can't cope with it. And is now with a man who has been found to posses child porn, which is pictures of children being abused, which is why it's illegal.

That could be a dangerous combination. I wouldn't want them to have contact with her, but at least by having her visit you you can monitor what she's saying to the DCs.

StuntGirl Thu 28-Mar-13 01:13:15

Who abused your niece/nephew? It sounds like she has worrying boundaries (or lack of...) and poor judgement and I wouldn't want my children round her either.

I suspect there's little you can do to stop your husband taking your children to her if he's not around, but I would really try and talk your husband out of doing so (see first paragraph!) I would say you have no problem with her coming to you (alone) but that you don't want them in his house.

What exactly was he accused of? It doesn't sound like he was charged/found guilty of anything?

EchoBitch Thu 28-Mar-13 01:19:11

A bit incidental but,do you have a DH or a DP?

siladviceplease Thu 28-Mar-13 01:22:07

It was the father of her youngest DC, the whole thing is a mess really!
Im struggling to get my head around it, ive become friends with her and now i just feel disgusted with her...
Im not completly sure what happened i dont think he went to prison, my DH didnt do a lot of digging for some reason, i know he had to have regular visits to a police station, thats all i know.

siladviceplease Thu 28-Mar-13 01:23:12

DH now we only married 2 1/2 weeks ago, sorry!

EchoBitch Thu 28-Mar-13 01:25:59

How awful.

And you only found out today you say?

EchoBitch Thu 28-Mar-13 01:29:00

So soon after your wedding.

sad Must be hard for your DH,his sister and everything.

siladviceplease Thu 28-Mar-13 01:29:16

Well it was tuesday! Now that we're into the ridiculously early hours of thursday. Also ridiculous that im up so late/early worrying about it!

siladviceplease Thu 28-Mar-13 01:31:40

Hard on DH yes, but i do feel his sister should have been honest from the start!

EchoBitch Thu 28-Mar-13 01:33:59

Not really ridiculous to be worrying that you may have an abuser in the family.

EchoBitch Thu 28-Mar-13 01:36:45

I mean,your DHs sister is living with a possible child abuser.

With his nieces and nephews.

WWYD ?

EchoBitch Thu 28-Mar-13 01:45:25

stuntgirl

I would do everything and anything in my power to stop my DH taking our DC to a house where a convicted child abuser lives.

siladviceplease Thu 28-Mar-13 01:46:33

Her DCs are grown up now and have all moved out she doesn't have contact with her eldest anymore, not totally sure why, quite possibly to do with him though?

EchoBitch Thu 28-Mar-13 01:52:11

But she's only been with him for six years.

How old is she?

siladviceplease Thu 28-Mar-13 01:55:44

She's 41, her eldest is 24 youngest 18

siladviceplease Thu 28-Mar-13 01:58:23

They aren't his DCs, he has DC from previous marriage but doesn't see them, again don't know why never wanted to pry

bangersmashandbeans Thu 28-Mar-13 02:07:38

Echobitch - I don't think you are helping the OP by becoming alarmist 'convicted child abuser' - that is a very long way from what the man concerned has allegedly done. I'm not condoning it in any way at all but in order for the OP to make a decision on this I think all the facts are required. OP if you are friends with your sil as you say why don't you call her up/meet her and have a really frank discussion so you're armed with all the facts to help you make a decision how to go forward from here.

EchoBitch Thu 28-Mar-13 02:09:37

So what you are saying is that she got with this man when her youngest child was 12 years old.

Knowing that this man had had child pornography on his computer before he met her?

I'd give them both a wide berth.

EchoBitch Thu 28-Mar-13 02:14:38

God it gets worse when i think about it.

She also has a child who had previously been abused and then she got with someone who is either an abuser or a potential abuser?

She knew about his 'trouble' with the Police.

bochead Thu 28-Mar-13 02:18:04

Is it possible to disreetly ask at your police station what his percieved level of risk is? Known offenders normally have stringent restrictions placed upon them as to whether they are allowed to be around children alone or under supervision and as you are a family member you can presumably qualify as having a legitimate concern as opposed to just being a dumb wannabe vigilante.

Sounds morbid to think about, but I have my sibling down in my will as a guardian if I get run over by a bus - would SS approve of this couple adopting your kids if the worst happened? Could you safely let your children stay there if you went into hospital to have another child? In your shoes I'd be asking the authorities the relevant questions and then and only then would I discuss it with my partner.

If SIL is his ONLY family I can see him wanting desperately to believe she's 100% trustworthy. I'd postpone any visits till I'd investigated and then sit down with my partner to discuss the threat from a factual position, rather than just guessing. If the police report is as I suspect then it's the only time I can imagine issuing an ultimatum to a partner. Adults have options that kids don't, keeping them safe is our first priority.

siladviceplease Thu 28-Mar-13 02:27:46

Echobitch that's right! She has know from the begining about him but moved him in with her DCs and never told anyone, due to embarassment I'd assume! You would think a sane person would run a mile particularly after what she went through with her DC being abused.
bangersmashandbeans I think I will suggest meeting her at some point. Not sure I can face her just yet

siladviceplease Thu 28-Mar-13 02:32:24

Bochead thats a very good point, my police station is completly different area to hers, presuably they still have contact/access to data. I'll have to look into that!

ENormaSnob Thu 28-Mar-13 07:14:42

Yanbu

A child's safety should always come first. Regardless of who gets offended or thinks your being ott.

Would rather be thought of as overprotective than risk my children's welfare.

ImTooHecsyForYourParty Thu 28-Mar-13 07:20:20

I wouldn't go anywhere near him.

Not just because I would not allow him near my children, but because there is no way in hell I would play happy families with someone who I knew had a sexual interest in children. To me, that's saying it's ok. Oh, it's ok, you look at child porn, want another cuppa and a chocolate digestive? Did you see Dr Who last night?

I think not.

Wishfulmakeupping Thu 28-Mar-13 07:30:00

Exactly what ENorma said
Put your foot down with your DP
Do your PIL know the situation? I would think they would agree with your couldn't think they'd be happy for their grandchildren to go round their daughters house knowing whats happened

ArtVandelay Thu 28-Mar-13 07:34:06

I dont think I could overcome my disgust at SIL and this man. So even if he wasn't present or an immediate threat I wouldnt want her in my house, potentially building relationships with my children.

Whichever way you look at it, even if you feel sorry for her, she's not trustworthy or a role model.

I realise I am being very judgemental and sorry if that offends anyone.

Icelollycraving Thu 28-Mar-13 07:53:38

My child would not be going anywhere near them. Sorry this is happening within your family sad

siladviceplease Thu 28-Mar-13 08:46:57

wishfulmakeupping PIL died before she met him so she really is his only close family.
Thanks everyone. Think I just needed to let it out to someone I haven't spoken to any friends or family about it yet I feel so stupid and embarrassed that I've let my DCs around him all this time!

Wishfulmakeupping Thu 28-Mar-13 09:03:30

You werent to know OP please don't blame yourself. I would be very upset with DH though if he kept that from me for a week.
I think you are doing the right thing keeping your children away from them both- your SIL obviously can't be trusted to make safe sensible choices by putting her poor children at risk -don't let her endanger yours too. Tell DH this is non negotiable

Ra88 Thu 28-Mar-13 09:09:09

I would 10000000% not take them to see them ! If she/you want the sil to see the dcs then you should arrange this without him there ! Sends shivers through me , thinking he has photos of your children and is around your sils child !

notimefors Thu 28-Mar-13 09:12:01

I would never see him again and my children would never see him again. I would expect my DH to never see him again.
YANBU.

auforfoulkesake Thu 28-Mar-13 09:20:41

yes but your sil should be allowed to see them.
mud sticks remember.

siladviceplease Thu 28-Mar-13 09:29:35

Dh seems to be of the opinion that his sis hasn't done anything wrong. And that since he didn't go to prison and is no longer on peadophile list (I didn't know you could come off it) that whatever happened can't have been that bad!!!
I don't understand his way of thinking and this looks like its going to be a contiuned argument until he comes to his senses. I'm angry with SIL for being so stupid and for letting me be in this situation noow and I'm angry with DP for the way he's being!

ImTooHecsyForYourParty Thu 28-Mar-13 11:43:05

I don't think there's any such thing as 'not that bad' when it comes to child abuse. Because let's not call it child 'porn', let's call it what it is - the photographing of the sexual abuse of children.

If your husband thinks that there can ever be a 'not too bad' when it comes to the sexual abuse of children, then he needs a big dose of your foot up his arse because his thinking is really messed up.

Your DH is being ridiculous. He may not still be on the sex offenders register, his crimes may have been at a time when the sexual abuse of children wasn't taken that seriously and the sentences were well to lenient. Your sister seems to not take sex offending very seriously and thinks that being in a relationship with a person who views children in a sexual manner, ok, even giving that person access to children. Now you need to decide if you feel the same way and act accordingly. We generally trust our children around others who have, or have access to, children. That is why sex offenders target Mums. By letting your children around your SIL you could put another child at risk, as well as your own. Who would suspect the nice couple up the road, who are good to their DN's, not to babysit?

siladviceplease Thu 28-Mar-13 13:48:31

My DH has agreed to come to police station with me as it seems they do a child sex offender disclosure scheme. I know SIL looks after her friends GS at times not sure if she knoes or not! My DCs will not be seeing her all the time she stays with him, she clearly has some issues of her own. I feel for my DH but like you say there is no such thing as 'can't have been that bad'

SirBoobAlot Thu 28-Mar-13 14:11:14

I wouldn't go anywhere near either of them.

Him for obvious reasons, and her for excusing it.

Toasttoppers Thu 28-Mar-13 14:54:18

No way would either of them be near my dc.

AdoraBell Thu 28-Mar-13 15:04:03

If DH again says it's not that bad I would be inclined to ask him if he thinks it's actually acceptable for an adult to abuse a child.

That might get him to understand better. Many people try to minimize things either they or a loved one has done, it's a defense thing but in this kind of situation it is also dangerous and inexcusable.

MildDrPepperAddiction Thu 28-Mar-13 15:07:06

What the fuck is wrong with your 'D'P that he thinks its ok for your DCs to be in the company of a paedophile, supervised or not? That's your actual problem.

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