to turn my back on my dd if she goes back to this man?(91 Posts)
My 28yo dd has not long come out of a 3 year relationship with an abusive, controlling and manipulative man. He treated her badly through the relationship. He grows/deals weed, takes cocaine and is a complete bully
She eventually say him for what he is. She told me that he made her feel bad about how she looks, pressured her sexually and also raped her analy. Ita very likely that he was unfaithful to her numerous Times.
She also told me that she found underage porn on his computer, girls aged 13/14. Since they split he has been awful towards her. She says she misses him, i'm terrified she'll go back to him. I don't know what he's capable of. I told her if she does then i'll disown her. I've always supported her but i don't think i can anymore. She has a 6yo ds and i don't want this animal anywhere near him.
Please don't disown her.
I don't know what else to advise you just now, but don't do that.
I would be tempted to report both of them to Social Services, however. Perhaps that kind of shock (if she does go back) is what she needs. Certainly, your grandchild needs protecting....and if she can't or won't do it, then someone has to.
I am very sorry you are in this situation, it must just be really fucking horrible
I understand that you don't want her to go back to him but what will turning your back on her do to help her?
Whilst I don't think you should turn your back on your child I do think that this man needs reporting to the police given his abusive behaviour and close proximity to your 6 year old grand-daughter.
Don't disown her. However, if he's got images of sexual abuse on children on his computer, a call to the police is most definitely inline. If he gets locked up, your daughter gets the chance to break free. Social services do also need to be called.
YABU. All you will achieve is what he wants. For her to be isolated and even more dependant on him.
If she goes back to him and you worry about the child, call social services. Do not disown your daughter for becoming a victim.
I would report him to the police regardless of her going back to him or not, if you are sure about the underage porn
I think i'm just hoping that if i say that to her she'll not go back. I have a lot of stress with my adult dcs, i also have 2 small dcs and this is affecting my mental health.
ditto to calling the police about the child porn on his computer. That will (hopefully) get him out of your dd's life for a while. By then she may have met someone else and moved on and there's no reason she needs to know it was you who reported him.
She needs you OP, needs you desperately. I understand your concern for her and her son but you really cannot force her hand here. I was in a violent relationship myself and it's honestly not as easy to leave as it looks. I'm really sorry you are all going through this but this man has no doubt been shredding her self esteem and making her feel worthless. She needs to know she has someone who she can turn to.
Tell her you are going to the police about the underage porn, and I hope you do this as its s serious crime which you are both aware of.
Then tell her that its highly likely that if she goes back to him then if social services arnt involved then you will contact them as you are concerned about the welfare of you grandson.
She's 28! He's 6! He needs protecting from your sad and feckless daughter and this nasty bastard.
Focus on his welfare and you will know what you have to do.
never threaten what you are not willing to follow through with
I would report him to the police and SS asap. I mean, now. That child needs to be removed from her if she cannot get away from this man.
I wouldn't tell her I was telling the police? Why the hell should you? She's an adult.
She needs help. Can you persuade her to have counselling? To really understand why she feels the way she feels? Some confidence building, etc?
Please don't threaten to disown her. She needs your love and support. Making her feel even more alone may well make her more likely to go back to him, not less.
I think issuing an ultimatum would be a very bad idea. What if she chooses him? It's an empty threat, although I can understand your despair . Please contact the police about the child porn, they're pictures of children being abused.
I think i'm just hoping that if i say that to her she'll not go back
It won't. It may even have the opposite effect.
Agree with not turning your back on her but the MOST important person in this is the child not the adults.
Agree expat totally.
Please don't disown her. That's what he wants.
Please listen to the other posts here & get outside support to prevent her returning to this awful relationship.
Why on earth would you threaten your daughter with that at the time when she needs you most?!
A call to the police about the images on his pc might be more helpful.
I would report him to the police but DO NOT tell her first. She's likely to tip him off first out of a misguided sense of loyalty and he'll then have a chance to delete the evidence or get rid of his computer before the police can investigate.
As others say go to the police without forewarning her. Do it now.
your grandson has been living with an abusive bully who deals drugs and likes kiddie porn.
And you havent called the police and SS yet? WHy not?
Your priority must be your GS. Your DD may not be able to break away, but dont allow him to stay in that environment
What Hatti said. You can't persuade her to do anything. She is 28. But that child's safety is paramount! DON'T threaten! Just ring the police now.
agree that you should do your daughter a favor and do what she is currently to weak to do. report this man to the police
Ring the police, 101 non emergency number, they will advise - let that fucker gets what coming to him.
I agree you need to put your grandson first, not your daughter and not even yourself. Your six year old grandson is in a very vulnerable position.
Contact the police re: the child porn. I would also contact social services, although I imagine the police involvement would automatically trigger a social services visit anyway given the accusation? But I would contact them regardless.
I would also tell your daughter you love her and she has your complete support in building a new life away from her abusive ex. Disowning her will help no one, but I think you know that. I would see if she would consider counselling to help herself deal with what's happened and help build her confidence.
Did he isolate her from her friends? Does she have a job? Could she take some classes/hobbies to help her build a life away from her twatty ex?
Your grandson has been living with an abusive bully who deals drugs and likes kiddie porn?
Please inform the police/SS. Your duty here is to protect your family - your DD is the victim of a controlling bully - please do what you can.
op i think it may be wotrh YOU contacting Womens Aid
they will be somebody for you to discuss your worries
fab website and you can also call them
explain everything you and your daughter need professional help on this one
good luck and i hope your daughter dosent go back,she has been mentaly abused etc and that has a massive impact on her thoughts and actions
please please contact them for all your sakes
womens aid will give you the right advice
sadly these relationships are all to common and they really are the experts on this
Please don't issue that ultimatum - due to the nature of his abuse it is more likely to send her straight back into his clutches.
If you say that it makes 'No one else will ever want you. No one else loves you - even your Mum doesn't want you around. I'm all you've got' believable to her.
She needs to believe that you love her no matter what.
You say he is manipulative, but so is issuing ultimatums. I appreciate it is for her benefit (although he probably says that about things he manipulates her to do too) but emotionally blackmailing a person to bend them to your will is never acceptable, whether it's you or him doing it.
It's still manipulation and control no matter what your motives.
She needs to know that you are there for her no matter what, that someone loves her that much, so that she can see she does matter. It'll help her see she's worth more.
I'd be ringing the Police re the child porn though.
What about the underage 'porn'? (It's not porn, it's child abuse, by the way.) I would suggest you have a duty to try and protect/help those 13/14 yo girls on his computer. They're actual children who are being abused, you know? So that means you and your daughter know a man who is directly involved in child abuse and you've chosen not to inform the police.
You have to report him for the underage pictures, it's child abuse. Think of your grandson.
Please don't disown her, she needs you and so does her DS.
Report the 'porn' and cannabis to the police. Immediately.
how can she be missing him? Good grief.
Don't tell her about reporting him. Don't give him the chance to delete anything.
You're absolutely right wilson, I take my comment back; it's photos of child abuse pure and simple.
Have you decided what you're going to do OP?
I echo the others, go to the police, don't tell her, don't disown her. She needs her Mum. Ring women's aid.
I spent 10 years with a man who abused me. I was 43 and my son was 6.
My mum turned her back on me when I got out, my sister put the boot in, and my dad found ways to make the abuse my fault.
I'll never forgive them.
Would you like their number? You sound like you'd be their kind of person.
Never, ever turn your back on your child. Be there for her, provide the soft place to fall, and show her the truth. Get advice, get her help.
I was also in an abusive relationship, my Dad told me I must have enjoyed being raped, my mum said she would kill herself if I went to the police and then they threw me out and changed the locks. I've also never forgiven them. She. Needs. You.
It seems flippant, but I really don't mean it as such: send her over here, esp to the Relationships section. Give her a copy of that Lundy Bancroft book.
And YY to the police and Social Services and WA being involved.
She's your daughter and her ds is your grandson. If you give an ultimatum you will cause a rift and if she goes back to him it will be harder for her to come home again and "home" with you is where she needs to be able to go.
It's really hard to admit you're wrong when those around you are telling you you're wrong. I'm not an expert but I think I know that much. You must keep your door open.
I think you sound a lovely, caring mum btw and I'm sure your dd knows that; for all of that she has had the confidence knocked out of her so much that she thinks this git is what she deserves.
My mum was never very empathetic and I know I have never pleased her but I have also always known that if any man ever hurt me or if every I was on my uppers I could go home, the door would be open and I would be welcome, albeit rucked and tutted at.
I wonder if she told you about the images precisely because she doesn't feel able to report it but trusts that you would?
please do not turn your back on her
You are in such an awful situation but she needs to feel loved and that she will have that support when she does leave
The freedom programme is a very good programme for helping woman get out of abusive relationships
You're angry OP, I can relate to that. I was angry when I was in an abusive relationship, and also when my sister went back to her abuser 10 years after getting away from him. Our parents lack of support growing up caused her to view this person giving her attention as some kind of saviour. I was mostly angry because when she went back she was exposing her young DC. I felt like beating some sense into her myself tbh. But I couldn't turn my back on them, even when I thought he would target me. If you love and value someone you don't leave them to their fate.
Report the child porn, it's a criminal offence for a reason, as is the cannibas, and find a way to make your daughter understand and believe that she is loved and cherished by you. Because I can guarantee that he has made her feel unloved by everyone and worthless. Contact women's aid, they will likely be able to advise you what to say to her and what not to say, but don't ever turn her away.
The only important person here is your vulnerable young grandson, he has no control over his environment and if his mother insists on exposing him to this violent man again somebody needs to step in and protect him. Report this man to the police and social services and warn your daughter that she will likely lose her son if she chooses this man again as you will inform the authorities.
She is an adult and chooses her relationships, there is no excuse for her to knowingly inflict a violent pervert on her innocent child. She needs to understand that if she does go back to him, she is choosing to expose her child to abuse and terror. That will make her a child abuser. Parents are supposed to love and protect their children, if she can't do that she should find someone who can.
Stay in her life to make sure your grandson is safe. Once he is, the rest of her life is hers to ruin if she wishes, you can't control self destructive adults, only she can save herself. If she doesn't care enough to do it for her kid, she's not the one deserving of sympathy.
No zebra. The young women who are being abused for his pleasure are also important. Very, very important. They are someone's child too. And again, it is child abuse and child rape, not child porn. I know it's only language, but language is important. thanks for acknowledging that stuntgirl.
Op havr you phoned the police about your daughter's child-abusing xp yet?
I understand that you're concerned for your DD and her DD but please dont disown her! I know from personal experience it will break her heart, and probably yours, and enable him to be more controlling as she'lll feek she has nobody else. She needs you. I agree with ringing the police but not telling her.
Hissy - i have always supported my dcs, my 26yo ds has mental health issues, self harming, suicide attempts, addiction to prescribed drugs among other things. My 21 yo dd is in a relationship with an alcoholic and has had 4 years of hell with him. My 28yo , who this thread is about has done lots of things i disagree with, including taking drugs, i've always been there for them. I take offence that you've likened me to your family who've obviously let you down badly.
I know i should'nt have told her i'd disown her but at the time i was upset and angry.
I actually had my dgs in my care for over a year as my dd could'nt cope with him he's been back home a couple of years now and she is doing well.
I have told my dd endlessly how much I Love her and am proud of her, tried my hardest to make her feel good about herself her ex totally broke her down and she ended up with no self worth at all.
As far as the sickening images on his computer is concerned, I only just found out, and when I told her to report him she said that if she did he would break her windows, i told her i woul report him and i'd tell him it was me but she begged me not to.
He is'nt anywhere near my dgs atm and i have told my dd that if she goes back to him then i will contact ss.
I have apologised to my dd for telling her that i'd disown her and told her that i'd always be there for her.
It's awfully hard to break windows when you're jailed for being a paedophile. The fact that your daughter begged you not to is irrelevant. You are aware of a child abuser, you must report it. Don't tell him you reported him, just DO it! Get the man put away and you won't have to worry about your DD going back to him.
Just make sure you don't let her down. I can't begin to tell you the pain she'll feel if that happens.
Sadly, you've said it, you can't unring that bell, but your actions can and ought to counter it.
What's happened to you in all this, what's the background here? What was the relationship with your parents/their father with your inlaws like? Forgive me, but all your DC are seemingly crying out. No blame here, but my abuse was brought about by the lack of emotional support from my family. it also seemingly caused my depression, suicide attempt too. Went through those alone too.
Something's out of balance there somewhere. If you can find out what it is, access some help/support, you may halt all this destructive behaviour.
You do sound supportive. I'm sorry if I upset you, but you needed to see how turning your back could spell disaster. Keep talking to her, reminding her of how far she's come.
The missing him thing is common, part of the insane addiction. Good will always triumph. Remind her of how good things are without him, show her how it's best not being scared. Positive reminders incentivise. Scary threats are what HE does. She's used to them and expects it.
Report the pervert to to police for the images, see if he can be locked up.that'll help keep him away from everyone, and strengthen her support from SS.
Can she access The Freedom Programme?
Report him to the police. He can't influence her from behind bars, the scum.
Do your utmost to get her onto the freedom programme, or failing that a really good family therapist. I'd spend my last pound on decent therapy for her and her child in your shoes.
TELL her every day how proud you are that she's making it on her own. Let her know you are proud of her for her good parenting etc, etc. He'll have ground her self-worth into the mud. There's nothing like a bit of praise from your Mum (no matter how long ago you flew the nest) for helping to restore a person's self esteem.
Don't cut her off - what will happen to your poor grandchild if she's pushed back to this monster out of loneliness and fear of going it alone?
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I can't keep posting the same thing.
He colluding in the abuse and rape of REAL children. Just because they aren't yours, they are someone's. Your dd's windows really aren't that important in the grand scheme of things.
I appreciate you/she/your family have issues but I'm out. Your behaviour is actually disgusting. Take the blinkers off, look beyond your nose and phone the police. Or else you are colluding in abuse and rape of children too.
Doubledare, that is out of order
You HAVE to report the child porn OP!! Of course your DD doesn't want you to tell the police but that doesn't mean that you shouldn't.
As has been said, they are REAL children, someone's daughter and right now you can not only help your DD but help other abused kids.
PLEASE report him. Now. Today. You can do something to stop this and he can't hurt your DD when he's locked up.
OP,, report him to the police for the child abuse images anonymously
Don't tell your DD you have done it
Your mistake was threatening her with it. Now you are frightened you it will push her away if you do it
You must though. But deny it was you. Any number of concerned citizens could have reported him. Just deny....the police will help you with this.
OP you've posted on the Internet that you know someone who has pictures of underage children on their computer. You have to do something about it. He can't harm anyone from prison.
It's child abuse FFS!
Doubledare - you don't know anything about me, how dare you suggest i'm a bad mother. My 26yo ds and my 28yo dd both have borderline personality disorder. My son had behavioural problems all through his childhood and at the age of 16 told me he was gay, this led to years of self harm and suicide attempts. I have supported him every step of the way. They have both had therapy and are on the road to recovery. When they were 3 and 7 months old their father left us to go back home to iraq. Their therapist thinks this could be the reason behind their illness.
I have suffered from anxiety and depression for many years, as did my mother. Its very possible that there's a genetic link. So Doubledare, before you call Anyone a bad parent again make sure you have all the details.
Wilson - why exactly is my behaviour disgusting? I have only knows about the computer images for a couple of days. My dd said he told her he'd downloaded awhole lot of porn but did'nt realise what was in it and that he has wiped it from hiscomputer. I don't believe he did'nt know. I have'nt said i'm not going to report him!!
And for whoever said that broke windows are'nt so bad in the grand scheme of things, what happens if my dgs is there when this happens? If he has wiped the images, and the police don"t have any ewidencję, they can't hołd him, then he'll know it was her.
This man yesterday went and punched hs friend in the face and broke his nose, he is drangerouss and i have to consider the safety of my dd and dgs.
My kids are my while life, i've always tried
to guide them in the right direction.
Your behaviour is disgusting because you are colluding in the rape of children by not reporting someone you know to be directly involved in viewing images of child abuse. It is very simple. I get that you are scared, I get that you are frightened. But by staying silent you are colluding. And I don't believe you are going to report him, if you were going to report him you would have done it two days ago.
Please report him to the police. It doesn't matter he's "wiped" his PC, they have experts who'll be able to find evidence if it's there no matter what amateur steps he takes to remove it. And for goodness sake do it now, before he has a chance to get rid of the PC altogether. DON'T tell her you're reporting him either.
And yes, while repercussions are obviously a concern you can discuss that with the police at the same time and seek their advice about how best to protect DD and GS from him. Obviously, that isn't a cast iron guarantee but you cannot ignore child porn for the sake of what might happen.
Well done for telling your daughter that you'll always be there for her. You clearly just felt frustrated and desperate at the thought of her going back to this man, and you know that you have to support her for the sake of your gs, at the very least.
That said, you also know that you have to report the abusive images of children too, right? It's unanimous here. If you don't report it you'll be complicit. And get in touch with WA, as so many others have said.
Ok wilson, so i have to disregard the safety of my dd and dgs and quite possibly my 2 young dcs also, if the police can't get the evidence they need what then? He shares a flat with other men, how can they pinpoint it to him? You're not in my situation, very easy for you to judge!
Children are being raped for his enjoyment and you now know about it.
You MUST report this to the police.
If you do not then by your silence you are saying that raping children is OK and does not deserve punishment.
If you explain your concerns to the police there's no reason for him to know that it was you who reported him. If you're that worried, you could even decline to give them your name and contact details. Even if you're not sure that they'll fund sufficient evidence to prosecute I don't think that's your decision or judgement to make - let them try!
find sufficient evidence
I know child abuse is a very serious issue and ideally the OP should report it. However, she has no direct knowledge at all of what has or hasn't been on his computer only a second hand account from her daughter. I think those people who are jumping on the OP for not having reported this are being a bit unreasonable in the circumstances.
kaylasmum, the police are currently, while we speak, investigating rings of paodophiles that distribute images of child abuse. These people are getting apprehended all the time . Think of all the peripheral abusers who have come out of the Saville investigations, but this does not reduce your responsibility in assisting them with their investigations
this is big business for some people, and it's likely this man is mixed up in that
please make an anonymous report, there is no reason why it will be traced back to you if you deny it
If you've known about the "porn" for 48 hours, you've wasted 47 hours not telling the police.
Do it now - his deleting of it is nothing with what the police can recover from a computer. And if that's the stuff she's found - goodness knows what depraved filth he might have on there, on done...
please please tell the police - you will quite possibly be saving those children's lives. They might be able to identify them and remove them from further harm.
The computer - even if he has deleted them, the strong liklihood as that he hasn't actually wiped them from the computer. In order to that entirely is much harder than just pressing deleting. The chances are that the images are still there and the police will still be able to access them.
You are in a really difficult position. Trying to protect your DD and your GC, as well as deal with the horrid stuff this man is doing. It must be a very scary position also, with threats from the man.
Have just spoken to my dd to clarify exactly what she saw on his computer, she says it was a picture of a young girl around 13 posing in a bikini plus some pictures of the same girl aged about 19, also some other pictures of girls about 16 upwards, she thinks. As far as i know not any sexual acts.
I personally would'nt put anything past this man but evidence is needed.
You are not the police. You do not need to find the evidence. Report your concerns. Even if nothing happens immediately, it will go in a file & add towards the picture of this man. It isn't for you to judge what is or isn't sufficient. Report your concerns. You don't need to protect him from false allegations if that's what's worrying you...
Why the hell would i want to protect him!!! I'd like nothing better than to see him rot in jail!! I NEED to protect my dcs and dgs.
Thing is, you're not a detective. If there's any possibility of child porn of his computer you have a duty to report it and let the experts handle it from then on. You can't second guess what evidence they may or may not find - nor if there's grounds for prosecution but I'm damn sure that any police officer would want each and every possibility of child porn reported so they can investigate accordingly. It's not up to you either to predict how they might pin anything they find on him specifically - don't you think that experienced detectives will have come across similar situations before where a computer is used by more than one person ? Clearly there are ways and means of finding out when stuff was viewed or downloaded and individual's movements tracked against those times etc. It is not your job - or anyone else's in a similar situation - to play judge and jury. You need to leave all that to the police. Tell them, let them deal, and then your conscience will be clear.
Like I said, the police can also advise about protecting your family.
I think I would report the underage porn to the police as that is illegal. And your daughter should not be having anything to do with such a man. I was ready to say you must support your daughter when I saw the headline. But in these circumstances then you would be right to say you want nothing more to do with her whilst she continues to see this person who seems to be a threat to society as a whole.
Perhaps you could speak to them anomalously and see if they can attribute his questioning to an online trail rather than having been reported iyswim?
Have you spoken to your daughter about the danger she could be placing herself in with regards to her position as a mother by having her child around a drug dealer and a potential peado? I don't mean to sound patronizing by talking about the obvious but since her self respect is so low, perhaps reaching out to her as a mother will work over talking about what she needs to do for herself!
I understand your concerns and giving everything you have said I can see why reporting him as it stands is difficult!
Another thought may be to report him as a dealer and mention the computer thing and say you can not verify this! They could then take his computer amongst other things and that could act as a secondary investigation! This way it narrows down the likelihood of it being you who reported him!
OP, the thing about abusers is that they are very good about persuading their victims of their power. It's like brainwashing, you can't see a way out and come to believe that they will always find out, always find you, always get back at you. It feels true. But that doesn't mean it is true.
Your daughter is in the grip of this thing. She probably can't get any true perspective on him and how to escape. So please help her do it.
I strongly advise you to go and see your local police and tell them everything you know and your daughter has told you about him. The drugs, the violence and domestic violence, the porn, the threats, the lot. Tell them about your worries for your daughter and grandson.
Please don't tell your daughter you are doing this, and I wouldn't even tell her after you have done it. She won't be able to stop herself panicking (and he'll probably guess from that that something is up). I'm sure you are a caring mother, and this may just be one thing where you have to take the burden on alone, for your daughter's sake.
Let the police (and I'd ring Women's Aid too, while you're at it) advise on next steps to protect your family and what they can do with the information you've given them. If you do nothing, you will all stay in this terrible situation and as you say, your daughter may go back to him.
I do hope you get something sorted out.
Just because he has child porn on his computer, that does not mean he will go to prison.
I know someone who was reported because of this, police took computer away etc, found the images and he got a caution that is all.
I would still report it though.
Its an awful situation, if your daughter chooses to put up with him then just be there for her.
My dd has assured me she is'nt going back to him, i really hope she'll stick with this decision.
He has 2 small kids and for a while his ex wife would'nt let him see them, my dd told me that he used to talk to her about ways of killing his ex so that he could get his kids. Don't know if he was serious about it or not.
The longer she stays out, the easier it ought to be to keep her out.
Evidence isn't needed FFS. She's seen it, told you about it. You know she has reason to defend this creep and lie on his behalf and now she's back tracking...
If there is nothing depraved on his computer there is no harm, no foul in reporting it is there!!
OP isn't going to report him. No use in pushing it any more, tbh.
Kaylasmum, when the weather bucks up a bit, plan some nice days out with your dd and gs. Keep her occupied as much as you can.
At the end of the day though, if she wants to go back she will. You know what you have to do if that happens. All the best x
op by telling us more and more horrible things about this man im sure were all thinking why are you not reporting him
it's all very well telling us what a a horrible person he is but on the other hand you dont want to take any advice and everybody has said the same
really if you have no intention of reporting or aletting the authorities there in NO point in you or others posting posting
you have been given good advice and what is right or all concerned
Agree with eggyfucker
That said: Kaylasmum. I've been lurking on this thread. I can appreciate that you're scared. I think I would be too, if I was in your position. But from the viewpoint of protecting your daughter and your grandson, you'd be better off if he was in prison or a registered sex-offender. The man should be in prison; he raped your daughter. I can see that you can't make your daughter complain to the police about that, she's not up to that. If you could make an phone-call, and the police came round and found these images, why would he know it was you, and not the police tracking downloads? That does happen!
I do think that this could be your easy route to keeping him away from your daughter.
Please report him op I get that you are concerned about your dd but this will benefit your dd and if he is viewing child porn he may be doing worse. I couldnt live with myself if I didnt report and had those poor girls on my conscience.
Reporting him for the dealing/cannibus growing/images of child abuse seems like the easiest way of getting him out of your DD's life.
She needs space away from him to rebuild her life. She also needs your support - don't disown her, that would be playing right in to his hands.
Why don't you just report the man to the police? Problem solved and he'll be out of all of your lives with any luck. It's easy. Just do it.
I know if I thought someone was a serious threat to my child or my grandchild and I had enough dirt on them to get them taken out of the picture I wouldn't hesitate.
Have you reported him yet? Crimestoppers is anonymous
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