to pretend I didn't get paid?

(201 Posts)
MariefromStMoritz Wed 27-Mar-13 02:27:08

I feel so naughty writing that, but please hear me out...

Me and DH are really broke right now. I have just returned from Mat Leave and get my first salary in the next few days, probably Friday. DH gets paid on Monday. To give you an indication of how broke we are, I get a free lunch at work, which I have been bringing home to feed us all. I therefore have nothing to eat all day because of it. My last pair of tights got a hole in them yesterday, but I have to wear them today because I have no others. Not only that, but DS desperately needs new shoes, his socks are too small, the baby has hardly any toys or books. Basically, I need to spend some money on us.

So the in-laws are coming to stay for a long weekend. They are quite well-off, but hardly ever put their hands in their pockets. They are notoriously mean. Consequently, we pay for everything. It is partly our fault, because we always feel obliged to take them out, etc. But then you don't want to sit on the sofa for 4 days. It invariably ends up costing us a fortune when they stay here which is why I am thinking...

If I get paid on Friday, pretending that I didn't. Is that really bad? I just don't want to have to spend all my money on food, petrol, etc. then have nothing left for us. This will mean that they will have to pay for anything we do, which I feel bad about. But we did tell them it was a bad time to come as I had just gone back to work, so not much money (amongst other things), but they wanted to come anyway.

AIBU?

vivizone Wed 27-Mar-13 02:33:57

Look after your children first. In fact, lose your bank card come Friday.

I hate visitors like them. Just tell them it's not a good time to visit. No explanation.

Hope your situation improves. Have you checked Ebay for shoes etc?

Dryjuice25 Wed 27-Mar-13 02:38:35

If they are reasonable people surely they will pay their way as they have been made aware of the financial situation.I definitely wouldn't spent any money on them apart from basics.

If they are well off,then they should be expected to pay for their takeaways/dinners. Also offer meals like spag bol e.t.c that will cost you next to nothing to cook but if they want to eat out then they should pay.I definitely wouldn't pretend to have money when your kids need stuff let alone yourself.

I tend to get toys/books off charity shops. You can get some really good toys for your child from these shops

YANBU, do it and don't feel guilty! I am a generous host too, but decreasingly generous to mean guests.

lucidlady Wed 27-Mar-13 02:52:42

YANBU. Your kids need to come first.

MrRected Wed 27-Mar-13 02:55:59

Don't lie.

Ring them up and tell them that you are broke and unable to entertain them due to financial constraints. That they will either have to cancel the visit or pay their own way i.e. you need them to bring or pay for their own food and cough up for petrol/outing costs.

This is nothing to be ashamed of. You are clearly doing your absolute best to provide for your children. You've probably done a great job in the past covering up your financial worries, so they are blissfully unaware.

Good luck - I hope that things get easier for you soon.

woopsidaisy Wed 27-Mar-13 02:56:10

How old is your DS?
YANBU.

TheRealFellatio Wed 27-Mar-13 02:59:36

You need to tell them the truth - that you are broke due to revent loss of earnings and you cannot afford to take them out for lunch, and you will have to ask for a contribution to their food while they are there. You shouldn't have to lie - the truth is enough.

tvmum1976 Wed 27-Mar-13 03:00:41

YANBU

MariefromStMoritz Wed 27-Mar-13 03:07:09

They just don't get how broke we are. We were in this situation just after DS was born when they came and stayed with us. They told us they were really broke, too. But then they spent loads of money on things for themselves and we footed the bill for the food, etc.

They just don't get it.

And yes, I hate lying. I was thinking of a way of bending the truth, like not even checking if I've been paid, then saying "well, it doesn't look like I've been paid". Because I haven't actually, erm, looked...

ItsallisnowaFeegle Wed 27-Mar-13 03:07:29

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MariefromStMoritz Wed 27-Mar-13 03:10:20

ItsallisnowaFeegle, it's because I haven't worked for so long. I was very ill in my pregnancy so had to give up my job quite early on. Basically, I haven't worked for a year. And now we have had to fork out for childcare even though I haven't received a salary yet.

And please re-read my post... I said 'DS' not 'DH'.

woopsidaisy Wed 27-Mar-13 03:11:16

It is her DSs feet that are growing in the OP! smile
What age is DS Marie?

ItsallisnowaFeegle Wed 27-Mar-13 03:11:21

apologies on the sock situation. I misread.

woopsidaisy Wed 27-Mar-13 03:15:55

Also, OP said that her ils spend a fortune on themselves, and she has to spend a fortune on food for them-money she can't afford to spend on so much food. Is that right ,OP?
I don't think that is not making logical sense!

ItsallisnowaFeegle Wed 27-Mar-13 03:16:50

Apologies OP. I've asked for the unnecessary post to be removed.

I stick by a lot of what you say not making logical sense but there was no need for me to be rude.

woopsidaisy Wed 27-Mar-13 03:21:11

It wasn't that rude Itsalll.
It is nice of you to apologise to OP , hope you don't mind me saying that.
It is the wee hours, I wish I was asleep. sad

ItsallisnowaFeegle Wed 27-Mar-13 03:24:33

It was pretty rude. hmm No need for that.

MidniteScribbler Wed 27-Mar-13 03:54:55

Practice this "sorry, we can't afford it." Repeat, repeat, repeat. No excuses, no arguments, just "sorry, we can't afford it." "Dinner will have to be beans on toast tonight, we can't afford steak." "No we can't go to the zoo, we can't afford it. Feel free to go by yourselves." "No we can't order takeaway, we can't afford it." They can then either offer to cover the costs themselves, or they starve.

If it means sitting on the couch for four days, then so be it. The only way to get through to people like this is to just keep repeating it, and flat out refuse to pay for anything for them.

MariefromStMoritz Wed 27-Mar-13 04:32:02

The thing is, I am not really protecting my money from them, I am protecting it from myself. I know that if I have money, I will have to buy nice dinners, etc. I couldn't not. I will feel obliged. Also, I will have to buy petrol all weekend which isn't cheap. Like this evening, DH wants to pick them up from the airport but I am worried I won't have enough fuel to get to work tomorrow. I think they should get a taxi.

LadyFlumpalot Wed 27-Mar-13 04:36:03

No, YANBU at all. We are in the same situation as you, have had to cut our weekly shop budget to £15 so we can get the car MOT'd this month and I'm I'm the midst of doing income and expenditure forms for outstanding debt (we don't even have that much, or anything particularly nice, our most expensive belonging is our £1000 car that my dad paid for 3 years ago!) Same as you - it's childcare costs that are killing us.

All my family are aware of this, I haven't bought anyone Xmas presents or birthday presents for three years and have been completely straight with them as to why.

If my inlaws come to visit then they always bring bags of their own food (and food for us). If I go to visit my dad he will always insist on filling the petrol tank on the car when I get there.

I would phone them and explain that you would love to see them, but unless they bring there own food and foot out for any trips, you can't afford them to come stay.

MariefromStMoritz Wed 27-Mar-13 04:40:16

If my inlaws come to visit then they always bring bags of their own food (and food for us). If I go to visit my dad he will always insist on filling the petrol tank on the car when I get there.

That's really considerate of them.

Longdistance Wed 27-Mar-13 04:42:09

Yanbu. Lie, lie, lie.

I have my fil over at the minute, although it is nice, we've tightened our belts as we're going on holiday next month, cos we're fed up of everyone coming here to Oz, ponsing off us for a holiday/ food/ nights out/ trips and whatever other bollocks they want.

I'm running out of milk, bread and patience with these 'visitors'.

Go on op, spend the money on yourselves, and tell inlaws to bring food and wine, or don't bother coming!!!!

LadyFlumpalot Wed 27-Mar-13 04:46:02

Marie - I'm not shy about telling people how badly off we are. Not in a woe is me way, but in a factual way. It's actually really liberating, just phone them, tell them the stark honest truth, and you will probably be surprised by their reaction.

MariefromStMoritz Wed 27-Mar-13 04:56:46

They just don't get it, though. They are always saying how broke they are whilst spending £££ on holdiays and stuff. They don't get 'our' kind of broke.

We will be fine in a month or so, but I don't want to put things back by spending all my salary over the weekend. I want to wait until next weekend (after they've gone) and take the kids shopping.

Tortoiseonthehalfshell Wed 27-Mar-13 05:07:44

So your salary is due to land on/before Good Friday?

Can you not lock it away somehow? Like, um. Transfer it all to an account that needs 3 days notice to withdraw? Send it to your parents for safe keeping?

Or, oh! How about, can you leave your wallet at work over the weekend? Then you are protecting yourself from yourself, and to them all you need to say is "we can't afford the zoo/restaurant/etc this time, how about we go on a picnic?*" and let them offer?

MariefromStMoritz Wed 27-Mar-13 05:23:50

Well, it's a new bank account so I was meant to go down tomorrow to pick up cards and stuff. They are closed on Friday, but I think they are open on Saturday. If my salary doesn't go in late Thursday night (Friday before I can access it), then it won't get there until Monday. However, the girls in my office think we will get paid for Friday.

And thanks for the advice tortoise, but even a picnic costs a lot of money. I just want to say, "sorry - my salary is only for my kids this time". I don't want to spend a single penny on anyone else. I am normally a very generous person, but this time I want to put my kids first.

Tortoiseontheeggshell Wed 27-Mar-13 05:27:09

A picnic can be cheese sandwiches and a bottle of homebrand lemonade. And I grant you, that's not very nice, but all the better to hope that they offer to pay, m'dear. The point is to offer free/cheap activities rather than be stuck on the couch all week, so they get the point.

Okay, forget the picnic, but my advice is still to a) lock your own access to the money away, and b) simply say "we can't afford X" rather than saying you didn't get paid. Then you're telling the absolute truth.

Do what you need to do to protect your family. I would ring them and warn them of the situation so they are aware that if they come they wil need to pay for xxxxx etc. as you just don't have the money. Tell them that you have had to bring your lunch home for the family to eat this month, tell them that your son is desperately in need of shoes. If they still say they are skint too, then you say that you are really sorry but they will have to postpone their trip until you have been back to work a couple more months and are back on your feet again financially.

If they do come, ask them to get a taxi, buy a cheap meal for the first day (or 2 days at the most) and ask them to buy the rest. Plan free things to do, museum, walks, park for kids, take kids to library, film and craft at home day etc. If they don't like it and want to do more then say you will have to pay.

MariefromStMoritz Wed 27-Mar-13 05:40:11

But if DH knows I got paid, he will just expect me to pay for stuff. If he got paid then he would, but he definitely does not get paid until next week. I hate lying, really I do, but this is how I see it going:

Fri: Dinner. Takeaway as me and DH don't get back from work until after 7pm. Too late for shops or cooking and want to spend time with ILs (paid for by Marie).

Sat: DH driving in-laws around all day, using petrol. Stop for lunch. Afternoon tea. Entrance to a museum. Dinner. (All paid for by Marie, with the exception of Afternoon Tea which the ILs will probably pay for).

Sun: same as Sat.

This is at least 50 quid a day. I am just not bloody doing it. Not this time.

TanteRose Wed 27-Mar-13 05:44:20

do what you have to do - pretend you haven't been paid

its not fair on you

however, you have a bigger problem than just money, if you can't be honest about this with your Dh...

TanteRose Wed 27-Mar-13 05:45:49

sorry, what I mean, is that your DH has the problem, in that he thinks you (as a family, either him or you) should be paying for everything for his parents, when they are not short of money

IFSWIM confused

How much petrol is in' the tank at the moment?

zzzzz Wed 27-Mar-13 05:51:26

Friday night, heat up pasta bake, garlic bread and salad.
Saturday am pop out AND BUY WHAT YOU NEED FOR THE WEEK. So in this case school shoes, tights and food for the week, plus at home stuff for weekend. Write a menu and stick to it.
Most museums are free to get in to. Go on line and line up free, walkable entertainment.
Do not lie, learn to put necessities before entertainment, even other people's entertainment. Surely you can see that entertaining must come after shoes and food for the family?
If you can't trust yourself not to use the weeks petrol, put enough cash to cover I under a mat in the car for a Monday am fill up.

SoWhatIfImWorkingClass Wed 27-Mar-13 05:51:34

Lol I thought you meant tell work you hadn't been paid so that they might pay you again!

God it's early I'm clearly not with it. I need one of these brew

Anyway as others have said YANBU and to put your family first. Your in-laws aren't as a bigger priority (that would be my stance on the whole thing if I was in your shoes). If they sulk then they sulk, but that's not your problem.

noviceoftheday Wed 27-Mar-13 05:56:12

This wouldn't even be an issue for me. I don't mean that in a mean way but no way I would be incurring one penny if I didn't have it, and actually, I would be pretty angry with dh for not being on the same page.

TheFallenNinja Wed 27-Mar-13 06:00:18

It took me a long time to work away the embarrassment of saying I'm skint.

No problem now :-) just tell em.

You don't have to buy a takeaway because you work to 7 pm, you buy pasta and sauce, it will take 10 mins. You don't initiate going to places that cost money.

Tell yourself and your husband you won't be paid until Monday and don't bother checking.

CinnabarRed Wed 27-Mar-13 06:14:26

Your problem isn't your PILs - it's your DH. The reason your PILs don't appreciate your true financial situation is because your DH is hiding it from them.

In the immediate term, and contrary to the advice I would normally give, I would lie (to DH more than the PILs, frankly) and say you hadn't been paid. Don't say your card has got lost because DH's next move would undoubtedly be to march you to the bank on Saturday with proof of address to take money out in person.

Get through the weekend following Tortoise's excellent strategies that will require the PILs to either dip into their own pockets or go with low cost options. You will, after all, have no choice if you're to maintain the fiction. And, actually, it will be good if DH has to show them the true picture for once.

Then, when the weekend is over, have a long and hard think about whether your DH's attitudes - towards his parents, his parents, you, finances generally - are something that needs addressing.

You sound like you're trying to talk yourself into putting the ILs first Marie.
I agree with the other poster who said to repeat "we can't afford it". That way, you're not lying.
As for food, I agree with pasta and sauce. You could make a massive bolognese one night and make sure you have enough leftovers to turn it into a chilli for the next night.
A cheap tip is to use a tin of corned beef as a mince substitute. crumble it up or mash it with a fork and stir it into the sauce.
Look up free entertainment and get the bus anywhere so you can pretend you're doing the tourist thing.
Don't let any of them pressure you. You can even drop shy hints, like "I'm really sorry we don't have dessert this weekend, but it wasn't in the budget."
Or not so subtle...a bit of paper with your pay, childcare costs and budget displayed prominently on the fridge! Make sure there are no spare pennies in the budget.

OR, take them to the supermarket and put your change jar into the machines there so they can see you're really struggling if you have to raid the copper jar!

And having re-read your last post re too late to go shopping - you buy the pasta and sauce before Fri so no issue with it being too late to go shopping (shops open 24 hours).

OP, I think you are going to have to adjust your own mindset too I'm afraid on what really are essentials when money is tight

ArtVandelay Wed 27-Mar-13 06:24:50

YANBU! Do / say whatever you have to do. I do agree with the strategy to pretend your pay hasn't gone in so you can't be pressured. Pasta in sauce, free children's activities at the library etc all sound great to me and demonstrate clearly the 'no money' message.

You are putting your DCs first. And sod picking them up from the airport. Public transport or taxi.

CinnabarRed Wed 27-Mar-13 06:37:01

Towards his parents, your nuclear family, you, finances generally...

FarBetterNow Wed 27-Mar-13 06:50:04

Baked beans & baked potatoes, egg & chips, pasta bake, a massive pan of home made soup, cheap bread.
No driving around.
Just tell them that you HAVE NO MONEY.
Do not waste money on your PILs when you are broke.

Best wishes for a good weekend.

DolomitesDonkey Wed 27-Mar-13 06:52:17

Don't lie.

Just say "we can't afford to feed you all".

MariefromStMoritz Wed 27-Mar-13 06:54:37

All good advice, I appreciate it. However, if I buy even one jar of pasta sauce DH will know I've been paid, as I don't have any money. At all.

PS: I really don't want people [you guys] to feel sorry for us, we will be fine, this is just a transitory period. I know there are people a lot worse off than us.

ArtVandelay Wed 27-Mar-13 06:55:30

Presumably they are visiting to delight in your company, not just to ponce food and entertainment for a weekend? smile If they grumble at all, you should raise that point to make them look bad / feel guilty / shut up!

ArtVandelay Wed 27-Mar-13 06:59:35

I think we all have tight months... We had a shocker in December due to a massive unexpected bill. Fortunately we were ill for 3 weeks and didn't eat or spend in anything except medicine. Enjoy your shopping next weekend smile

Inertia Wed 27-Mar-13 07:09:20

Could you maybe "find a tenner in the lining of your handbag" or similar (i.e. take out a tenner without it being obvious whether you were paid )? That way you could buy basic pasta , tin of tomatoes, basic bread, milk etc but nothing else.

Planetofthedrapes Wed 27-Mar-13 07:13:21

How about say you found some clubcard vouchers, used some nectar points etc.

Is dh too proud to tell his parents you are struggling?

This time I think you will have to lie, but you do need a time for a quiet non judgy chat with him.

Unless of course you spend loads on your parents?

What have you got in the cupboard to feed them?

Planetofthedrapes Wed 27-Mar-13 07:14:51

Also, if push comes to shove, just say that your salary has been earmaked for shoes, petrol, food, tights and socks and you can only afford say £10 for the weekend.

SkinnybitchWannabe Wed 27-Mar-13 07:18:20

I really think your dh needs to wake up and stop hiding the truth.
They're his parents afterall.
If he cant man up and you can't just be honest with them use the great advice given here.
Lie through your teeth about 'finding' a tenner so you can get a few meals (quorn mince can be abit cheaper than beef and value pasta is dirt cheap)
I really do think you should be completely honest and tell them you're skint..if they don't want to contribute then they should stay at home.

LisasCat Wed 27-Mar-13 07:18:59

Buy that jar of pasta sauce and tell DH you borrowed a fiver off a friend to do so. Perhaps tell him that in front of his parents. That should drive home the seriousness of the situation.
I'm worried that, as a PP said, you sound like you're talking yourself into spending this money, finding obstacles to everything suggested here. I suspect that, as you said, you are as much a liability to this money as he is. Leave your card at work. Tell them all you've not been paid.

CinnabarRed Wed 27-Mar-13 07:19:33

If you're going to lie, then you have to stick to the lie ridgidly. As things are so very tight, I'm sure your DH would be suspicious of mysteriously finding £10 in your handbag or down the sofa.

However, one possibility might be to say that HR contacted you to say that, as a new starter/returning employee, there's been a payroll cock up this month, that you'll be paid immediately after Easter, and that they've subbed you £20 (or whatever) out of petty cash to tide you over in the meantime. I know my employer has done similar in the past.

BenjaminButton172 Wed 27-Mar-13 07:21:02

Have you and your dh sat down together and did a budget? That way you both know how much money you have and how skint you are.

NotMostPeople Wed 27-Mar-13 07:27:09

I understand what you mean by the don't get just how broke you are but why can't you explain this to them? Call them and say that you just want them to be clear that you are only eating one free meal a day at the moment and can't affor any food. You'd love to see them, but they'll have to bring their own food. Then they can choose to come and yes you hide the fact you've been paid or they don't. My PIL came to visit us years ago in similar circumstances and brought tonnes of food including most of their tins cupboard. DH was mortified, but I was very grateful.

AuntieStella Wed 27-Mar-13 07:28:26

Don't lie.

Tell DH that you don't know when you will be paid. You simply cannot even feed guests at the moment. It's not fair to have people as guests and them starve them. DH has to postpone this visit.

Any chance of that working?

TheDoctrineOfSnatch Wed 27-Mar-13 07:34:36

Agree with Cinnabar.

However, OP, given bank holidays you probably won't be paid on Friday this month. It may be tomorrow or it may be Tuesday. Can you ask your pay roll people?

Assuming you are in UK, anyway.

Southeastdweller Wed 27-Mar-13 07:34:52

I wouldn't lie. I'd be too worried about the lie backfiring which may cause more problems with them and your DH. Tell them the truth and if they still insist on coming round then fine, but say you can't afford to do anything. They'll probably come anyway but just stick to your guns and don't leave the house so that the message comes through loud and clear.

You need to be stronger and more vocal.

WipsGlitter Wed 27-Mar-13 07:35:15

Well, your baby doesn't 'need' toys and books. Go to the library!

On Friday night do a proper shop, tell PIL you'll have to eat late once you've done the shop.

Fill your tank with petrol - you'll need to anyway. Where do you live? Is public transport not an option?

FamiliesShareGerms Wed 27-Mar-13 07:36:13

What SEDweller said

Pozzled Wed 27-Mar-13 07:41:10

What would/will your DH do if your pay doesn't come through? Do you (as a family) actually have any money that you can access now?

If I were you, I would talk to your DH now and tell him that you're not sure if you will be paid on time. Ask him what he plans to do in that case. And at the same time, make a budget for next month, covering the bare essentials - food, shoes for DS, bills. Show him (and yourself) that even if it does come in, your money is needed- it cannot be spent on entertainment.

If you can't get through to your DH that way, then lie and leave your wallet at work as others have suggested.

If they are incapable of understanding even when spelt out to them then yes just lie.

I don't think you should lie because then they wont get it next time, they will see it as a one off thing and think that you will be fine when you are paid - which you are not. Be honest and do as poster above said - beans on toast/ jacket potatoes/ pasta etc for dinner. No trips to anywhere you have to pay, just local country park or beach or whatever is near you and free.

TheDoctrineOfSnatch Wed 27-Mar-13 07:51:10

Exactly Pozzled. As a new returner there might be a pay roll cock up that means this is something that needs a plan.

leeloo1 Wed 27-Mar-13 07:56:11

Is there a local park you can walk to? If so then going there can be the entertainment for both mornings. If they ask to use the car say 'I'm sorry I need the petrol to get to work on Monday'.

Go home for lunch - try and get economy bread, pasta, cheese spread etc.

Good luck and don't feel YABU for saying you don't have money - you don't.

You won't be paid on Friday if you're in the UK. It's a bank holiday. I was due to be paid then (last friday of the month) and our payroll department had to jiggle things so we were paid last week because of it. What have your employers said?

Glenrosa Wed 27-Mar-13 08:04:50

" The thing is, I am not really protecting my money from them, I am protecting int from myself. I know that if I have money, I will have to buy nice dinners, etc. I couldn't not. I will feel obliged. Also, I will have to buy petrol all weekend which isn't cheap. Like this evening, DH wants to pick them up from the airport but I am worried I won't have enough fuel to get to work tomorrow. I think they should get a taxi. "

You most certainly do not have to buy nice dinners & petrol! What you do have to do is prioritise your children, buy socks and food for a week for them. Tell your ILs either not to come or give them a list of groceries and ask them to pick them up on their way.

Inertia Wed 27-Mar-13 08:08:37

Could you borrow ten pounds from someone at work / a friend? You probably won't get paid on Friday anyway as it is a bank holiday .

Flisspaps Wed 27-Mar-13 08:12:40

Agree with those saying you won't be paid on Friday if you're in the UK.

I would expect you be paid on Thursday (it's very unusual to be paid late) as will DH as Monday is also a Bank Holiday here.

PurplePidjin Wed 27-Mar-13 08:18:12

Be completely blunt - I'd love to go to the <expensive museum> but if we do that then <dc name> will have to wear a ripped, stained, too small jumper next term - and guilt trip them!

INeedThatForkOff Wed 27-Mar-13 08:20:10

What about laying it on the line with DH in front of his parents? Argue if necessary - it would take the hide of a rhino for them still to expect you to stump up for their entertainment.

Also, will the money be in your own account? In which case surely you will have to physically be there for it to be sent, in which case, say it all again.

I really think you should take your DCs to buy the shoes and socks they need this weekend.

TheDoctrineOfSnatch Wed 27-Mar-13 08:23:29

Fliss, I agree it's more likely to be early than late, and same for DH.

Op I would check today as if you haven't worked a full month yet, I have known situations where the first pay comes after the first full month (eg you get paid for six weeks at the end of month 2 not two weeks at the end of month 1). As things are so tight you and DH should really know what days you get what, regardless of PIL. If you both get paid tomorrow, things will be much easier I suspect.

BTW, I think there is a "for free" thread on MN somewhere - might be worth a look for you?

TheDoctrineOfSnatch Wed 27-Mar-13 08:24:42

Good idea Fork - a PIL outing to the shoe shop!

Inertia Wed 27-Mar-13 08:25:36

Or ask inlaws if you van borrow money to buy food as soon as they arrive - if they are at the airport tonight they could use the cashpoint. Be honest, tell them you have no food and no money and they'll be sharing a sandwich five ways. They have been asked to postpone but they ate coming anyway.

WipsGlitter Wed 27-Mar-13 08:28:33

Why not make the 'entertainment' on the Saturday a trip to get the new socks/shoes whatever?

Can you not / do you not have a budget for what your pay needs to go on this month. Work out all your essentials including the socks and tights, and then see is there enough leftover for a take away or whatever?

Then you and your DP need to sit down and do a family budget.

Crawling Wed 27-Mar-13 08:37:45

I think you need to talk to your dp explain and dont spend money on them this time.

ajandjjmum Wed 27-Mar-13 08:44:15

What would you and your family eat if the PIL were not coming around?

MariefromStMoritz Wed 27-Mar-13 08:50:25

No, the girls here think our salary will go in late Thursday, but I need to pick up my new bank cards, etc. before I can access my account.

Just tell your DH that you thought the money was going to be hitting your new back account before the Easter break but you have been told in work that it will be sometime after Easter due to some issue they have experienced on the electronic funds transfer system. Then go to the bank, pick up your card, buy some mince & pasta sauce & spaghetti (using clubcard vouchers you happened to come across or nectar points) and you have one meal done.

If your DH is getting paid himself on Monday then you just have the long weekend to get through, right? Then can't he pay for some of the other stuff that you're mentioning?

MariefromStMoritz Wed 27-Mar-13 08:58:23

I just feel as soon as I open my purse, it will all be gone sad

MariefromStMoritz Wed 27-Mar-13 08:59:41

Update: we've been paid.

LIZS Wed 27-Mar-13 09:02:42

Ask inlaws to bring a oven ready meal with them - casserole or similar - in case your salary doesn't clear in time - then it mysteriously won't until Tuesday. If DH agreed to this he should have found a way of funding it before now.

tangerinefeathers Wed 27-Mar-13 09:03:43

Just forget to pick up your bankcards/forget to check if you get paid.

If you don't have the money you can't spend it, and they will have to cough up. As for your DP, well you're doing him a favour by keeping quiet as he probably feels obliged to pay for his parents. You're not lying, exactly, just neglecting to check your bank balance grin

If you can't access your money you'll be forced to find other things to do or perhaps they'll buy you a meal for a change - sounds like you're due one.

I do sympathise, I have tight parents and a tight MIL (all pretty well off, though, particularly my parents) and it's a frustrating situation when you know they could really help you out financially and barely notice the impact themselves.

I do think you have to make a decision that the money is staying in the account this weekend, otherwise you'll be bitter about it, and just think of how much more satisfying it will be to buy toys, shoes etc rather than a dinner for tightwads!

MariefromStMoritz Wed 27-Mar-13 09:05:08

It's not DH's fault, we didn't know how broke we would be.

We will be fine, btw, it's just a transition period whilst I go back to work.

ajandjjmum Wed 27-Mar-13 09:05:38

You've got some really good suggestions here for meals - you need to change your mindset as others have said. The thought of a take away should never even cross your mind in the current situation - there are probably two/three days of basic but nutritional meals that you could prepare for the cost of one takeaway.

And as you say, it's only for a short time until you get back on an even keel.

Just get the stuff you need from your 'nectar points' or whatever - beans/potatoes/mince/pasta/bread/salad - it'll tide you over for a couple of days.

ajandjjmum Wed 27-Mar-13 09:07:19

Actually - judging from my recent experiences, if you bank with Barclays the card etc. probably won't be ready anyway! grin

MariefromStMoritz Wed 27-Mar-13 09:07:32

tangerinefeathers, everything you have said is absolutely spot on. Especially this bit:

I do think you have to make a decision that the money is staying in the account this weekend, otherwise you'll be bitter about it, and just think of how much more satisfying it will be to buy toys, shoes etc rather than a dinner for tightwads!

Planetofthedrapes Wed 27-Mar-13 09:14:07

Go for economy mode on the catering! Pasta, baked potato, fired rice, veg soup, noodles stir-fry etc etc - and tap water to drink.

If your DH insists in taking them out - why not go passive aggressive in making a big deal about printing out some 2-1vouchers. Wear the tights with holes, make comments about not affording new socks for the DC's - eg " I wish I could go on a holiday like you but I'm saving up for some new shoes for the DC's" etc.

MandragoraWurzelstock Wed 27-Mar-13 09:14:10

I am sorry you're in the position where you feel you have to lie to your husband to provide for your children. That doesn't sound good to me.

I hope you manage to sort this out.

MariefromStMoritz Wed 27-Mar-13 09:16:29

That's a bit melodramatic, MandragoraWurzelstock grin

MandragoraWurzelstock Wed 27-Mar-13 09:17:51

Oh I didn't mean to be, not at all, just wasn't sure if I had got the gist - yanbu to lie to the ILs but having to lie to him? sounds really unfair.

I don't think you should be in this position x

ENormaSnob Wed 27-Mar-13 09:19:03

Sorry Marie but this is ridiculous.

You take food from work so you can all eat, you wear holey tights and your dc are in need yet your dh thinks funding this weekend for his parents is okay?

There's no way my wages would be covering this, especially as the situation was explained and they declined to cancel.

Flisspaps Wed 27-Mar-13 09:19:14

What planet said grin

LIZS Wed 27-Mar-13 09:20:12

"It's not DH's fault, we didn't know how broke we would be. " Things must have been tight for a while though. As for entertaining , walks and local playground are free. Find out what activities are going on over the bh weekend locally. Forget about entertaining the il's , short free outings for dc are order of the day.

tangerinefeathers Wed 27-Mar-13 09:20:23

Glad I made sense! I am used to dealing with tightwads, you see grin

daddyorchipsdaddyorchips Wed 27-Mar-13 09:22:57

It doesn't sound that melodramatic to me tbh. You've been bringing home free lunches to feed your family, DS needs new shows and new socks, you don't have a penny to your name and you're asking whether you should lie to your DH so that he does t expect you to pick up the bill for his selfish parents. It sounds about right to me.

He, not you, needs to come clean about just how serious the situation is and let them treat you for a change.

MariefromStMoritz Wed 27-Mar-13 09:23:46

ENormaSnob, indeed this situation is ridiculous grin.

We are broke, but will be OK once I get paid. The thing is, I want to spend all my money from my first paycheck on the kids, no-one else.

TeWiSavesTheDay Wed 27-Mar-13 09:25:46

I would lie to the inlaws. Lie, lie, lie. They don't get it, they're not going to get it. They can stay in and do colouring, walk in the park etc and eat pasta and cheese with the rest of you unless they want to fund something more interesting.

I'm not sure I could lie to your husband though. I think you have to be very clear about the fact that giving in to 'entertaining' the ILs will mean your children suffer and you will not allow it, and that if HE even considers allowing it, he needs his head checked.

LIZS Wed 27-Mar-13 09:26:33

Between you you both need to prioritise how all the money is spent - you can spend it all on dc if you need to eat or pay rent. Why separate accounts btw ? Did baby not inherit toys or can you use toy library service.

expatinscotland Wed 27-Mar-13 09:29:29

'So the in-laws are coming to stay for a long weekend. They are quite well-off, but hardly ever put their hands in their pockets. They are notoriously mean. Consequently, we pay for everything. It is partly our fault, because we always feel obliged to take them out, etc. But then you don't want to sit on the sofa for 4 days. It invariably ends up costing us a fortune when they stay here which is why I am thinking...'

Why?! Tell them the fucking truth NOW. 'Sorry, we'd love to have you, but we can't because we have NO money.' Why on Earth are you lying? Your DH can go to fuck unless he has a magic money tree somewhere.

Grow a pair, call them and tell them now, 'It would be nice to have you, but you need to understand you will need to bring your own food and buy your own food, and we can't afford to take you out.'

END OF.

expatinscotland Wed 27-Mar-13 09:30:08

They don't get it because you continually let them take the piss.

You shouldn't be blowing the money from your first paycheck on the kids. Well, not on toys and books. Shoes, clothes if they need them, but really not toys and books and that type of crap.

prettybird Wed 27-Mar-13 09:33:51

Don't assume you will be paid at all. shock

When I went back to work after my maternity leave (only 4 months allowed back then) I didn't get paid 'cos HR didn't realise I'd started back (although as I said to them, the onus had been on me to say if I wasn't coming back on the agreed date, not that I was).

To be fair, they admitted that they'd cocked up and arranged an emergency transfer - but it was still about 5 days late.

MariefromStMoritz Wed 27-Mar-13 09:38:39

No, as I posted earlier, we have been paid.

And this is my shopping list: DS: shoes & socks, 2 school shirts, school jumper, name tag for bag. DD: babygros, vests, socks, leggings, playpen, a few toys & books. All this will be about 300 quid. Max. Which I can afford if I don't fritter my money away this weekend...

randomchats Wed 27-Mar-13 09:40:44

I think you're right to do what you're planning but what does your DH think you are going to do with no money to entertain his parents all weekend? Is he planning on telling them you guys are broke?

BankWuggery Wed 27-Mar-13 09:40:52

Marie once you get paid, are your money worries over? I.e you are skint at the moment because you've been on maternity leave and (I assume) not getting paid? Once you are paid does it mean you are back into the black and will remain so, and will have enough cash for the remainder of the month and all foreseeable other months because you will be getting paid regularly? Or are you going to be this skint at the end of the month /halfway through it etc again?

sarahtigh Wed 27-Mar-13 09:43:48

you could get that shopping list for much less shoes most expensive at about £30 shirts jumper etc £10 socks £5, DD £5-8 will buy plenty of toys etc at charity shop leggings and a few clothes £25/30 at asda george etc, 300 would cover that at monsoon or boden with change

but I still agree with you that the in laws should spend some of their own money unless they pay for everything when you visit them but you can still say we are doing cheap/ free stuff as no money

MariefromStMoritz Wed 27-Mar-13 09:45:35

Marie once you get paid, are your money worries over? I.e you are skint at the moment because you've been on maternity leave and (I assume) not getting paid?

Yes, more or less. Things will be tight for a few months, but we will be fine.

choceyes Wed 27-Mar-13 09:45:37

How about going to the library for books rather than buying them? And you can make that into an activity with the PILs!! I think libraries should be open on the Sat. YOu can easily spend a couple of hours in there and reading and choosing a few books.

I feel for you OP. No way would I be funding this weekend if I was in the same situation as you. Rude of your PIL to expect you to fund everything anyway, even if you aren't skint.

zzzzz Wed 27-Mar-13 09:46:20

Is it basically that Dh wants to spend the money entertaining his parents while they are here and buy the playpen and toys next month (I assume he wants his kids clothed) and you want the playpen now?

expatinscotland Wed 27-Mar-13 09:48:07

You need to tell them and if your DH is too spineless then you have to do it.

'We cannot afford to take you out and feed you.'

None of this BS cheap dinners, jacket spuds, or lying. WTF?!

Just, 'We cannot afford to feed you or take you out.'

expatinscotland Wed 27-Mar-13 09:49:15

Kids come before you parents. ALWAYS! Never mind that he want to entertain them, until your kids are fully provided for, tough shit.

LIZS Wed 27-Mar-13 09:55:39

£300 shock visit supermarkets, H and M etc and you can easily do it for half . Playpen about £30-£50 in Toys R Us. Do they buy dc Easter gifts if so say socks, babygros, basic toys and books most welcome. Presumably dc is off school for a few weeks so those items can wait.

fuzzpig Wed 27-Mar-13 09:56:42

Tell them the fucking truth NOW. 'Sorry, we'd love to have you, but we can't because we have NO money.' Why on Earth are you lying? Your DH can go to fuck unless he has a magic money tree somewhere.

Yes, that.

Your PILs don't sound particularly nice, and your DH sounds rather lame if he can't tell his parents the truth and put his family first.

Blimey, I thought my parents were unhelpful but they are like a walking ATM compared to your PIL hmm

dinkystinky Wed 27-Mar-13 10:02:19

Marie- check out local toy libraries for your baby/DS. They are brilliant. Also the local library for books.

Speak to your DH about the cash situation and how there cant be expensive treats for the inlaws this time. Food needs to be bought in advance - I agree with cheap quick pasta meal for Friday night rather than take away, no meals out. If Inlaws are coming for the weekend, instead of museums take them (or rather get DH to take them) for walks to get them out of the house or look for free easter events going on in the area you can go to. Yes, there will be petrol costs but not too much more.

CinnabarRed Wed 27-Mar-13 10:11:13

I'm genuinely shocked that you don't think your DH has any culpability here - not for your financial situation per se, sure - but absolutely for not setting them straight on the true picture, and even more so if he spends money on them that would otherwise be spent on essentials.

2rebecca Wed 27-Mar-13 10:11:58

I would have just refused to have any visitors. You sound a bit whiney and martyrish. It's your house if you and your husband don't want visitors you tell them now is not a convenient time to visit as you have no spare money and later on in the year will be better. Agreeing to let people visit then moaning about it is silly.
Also you could put most of the money in a seperate account and refuse to spend it. Why does your husband get to tell you how to spend your money? I agree money should be joint but if it needs to be spent on the kids I'd be telling him that.
I'd be phoning them to cancel their visit.

MiniEggsJumpedInMyBasket Wed 27-Mar-13 10:16:23

I don't think you should lie, especially not to your DH. Lies have a habit of catching up with you or of snowballing. Presumably your DH has no access to your money if lying will be possible, so just tell him you're not breaking into your money for the weekend, or that you will spend £20 or so on food and your in-laws can pay for anything else they want to eat/do and treat you all at the same time

I agree with the others that you will be able to get everything you need for far less than £300, probably for less than half that if you shop carefully.

MariefromStMoritz Wed 27-Mar-13 10:17:53

I would have just refused to have any visitors.

Yeah, that was a whole other thread a few weeks ago - I back down in the end.

You sound a bit whiney and martyrish.

Oh dear, do I really? I didn't realise...

MiniEggsJumpedInMyBasket Wed 27-Mar-13 10:22:01

Marie, I don't think you sound whiney and martyrish at all.

2Rebecca has a habit of cropping up on threads saying blunt, unhelpful "observations".

MariefromStMoritz Wed 27-Mar-13 10:23:30

Oh, thanks for saying that, MiniEggs grin

anotheryearolder Wed 27-Mar-13 10:27:47

If you have been paid but dont have your cashcard can you got to the bank and take ID to access your money?. Buy what you need for DC before ILS come and buy some simple food for the weekend - pasta etc.

If they suggest takeaway then be upfront and honest- No sorry I cant afford it I had to buy some new things for the DC. Its then up to them if they want to buy it- no lying needed !
You have to put your DC first.

MajorDivvy Wed 27-Mar-13 10:37:18

Tell your DH that you are not spending your money on his parents!! I know you, like my DH and I, count any money as 'joint' but your DH has to get his priorities right and those are you and your DC's. You also need to tell him you will not be getting the money out to feed/entertain PIL unless it is cheep cook at home food and free entertainment.

If your DH still tries to guilt trip you in to paying for PIL then I suggest you have some serious words with him about financial responsibility and what is really essential.

Sorry to be melodramatic but your "DH will know I've been paid if I buy pasta sauce" makes it sound like you are scared of him making you get the money out. What's the worst that will happen? You have an argument? Well maybe you need to to get it into his head that you cant afford to spend so much on the PILs. If they don't like it they can jolly well lump it, contribute or go home!!

Voice of experience here so I do sympathise! My PIL's pay for some things but then incessantly complain about 'having to pay' even though they are the ones who chose to eat out as we don't have a dining table (no room) and they won't eat off lap trays.

MariefromStMoritz Wed 27-Mar-13 10:37:48

No. I've made my decision. My salary is staying where it is. There is some bread at home, noodles, etc. There is probably enough food for me, DH & DS. The ILs can buy their own food. And no, I am not filling the car up. And I am taking it with me to work tomorrow, so I don't have to pay for public transport.

So there.

armagh Wed 27-Mar-13 10:40:17

I am with Cinnabar and Enorma...How does your dh expect to pay to entertain / feed his parents if your salary does not come in? Is he as mean as his parents? It seems very strange. He wants to collect his parents from the airport in your car and you have just enough fuel to get to work and not enough money to buy more. Strange. He is a problem methinks. 'He would know i had been paid if i bought a jar of pasta sauce' and yet he thinks you can afford to entertain his parents. And his ds has to wear socks that are too small for him.Very, very odd.

MariefromStMoritz Wed 27-Mar-13 10:40:20

No, but really, I am so broke that if I came home with a jar of pasta sauce, DH would get suspicious. Yes, I am aware of how ridiculous that sounds grin

And I just want to point out again that this is a short-term situation for us, we will be fine. We don't deserve sympathy. Not for our financial situation, anyway.

MiniEggsJumpedInMyBasket Wed 27-Mar-13 10:40:45

Well done for making a decision Marie.

I hope the inlaws surprise you this weekend and take you all out for a meal or maybe treat the children to new clothes/shoes. I know if my parents visited us and we were skint they would stock our cupboards up and buy the things the children needed.

MariefromStMoritz Wed 27-Mar-13 10:42:40

MiniEggs, my parents would do that as well, and they've got no money because they have been on benefits for years.

Let's see... maybe the ILs will surprise us.

StuntGirl Wed 27-Mar-13 10:48:47

Marie, to be honest you sound as bad as the parents and the in laws. You feel obliged to pay all this every time they come? You are planing on spending £300 on those items? It sounds like none of you have particularly good money management.

I suggest you sit down with your husband, draw up a budget, and work out what you can feasibly afford each month, and stick to it. I would also suggest working out a plan of action for when you have visitors; i.e. saving a bit more beforehand if you're insistent on spending loads, planning free trips to museums etc. with cheap picnics, or discussing with the in laws that you will pay for activities one day and they will pay the next.

You all need to get a handle on your finances, even when you're on more of an even keel with your wages. It's just sensible.

Tell your husband the situation - it's his job to break it to his parents that he's not putting their entertainment above food/essentials for the family.
And if he doesn't agree - there's some serious conversations to be had.

MariefromStMoritz Wed 27-Mar-13 11:03:48

StuntGirl, actually I am really good at money management. The figure os £300 came out of the air. I have no idea how much a playpen is, I am just guessing. And the other stuff... I don't know. But I am guessing £300 max. It's just a guess and a generous one at that.

TheChaoGoesMu Wed 27-Mar-13 11:11:07

Jeez, lose the bank cards op, then dh can't talk you into anything. And whilst the inlaws are there have strong word about the fact that you couldn't afford to go out anyway, as you are skint. Give them a few board games to play with or something. That should keep thrm busy. I cant believe their cheek really, I could never do that to my children / grandchildren.

CinnabarRed Wed 27-Mar-13 11:13:58

Where do you live? I have an entirely unused playpen (still in its original box in the attic) which is yours if you want it - but I can't afford to post it! If you can collect it from South Bucks then PM me.

randomchats Wed 27-Mar-13 11:16:39

Marie- what is your husband's plan for his parents this weekend as he thinks you have no money?

NotMostPeople Wed 27-Mar-13 11:17:22

Stick to your guns and keep posting while they're with you to keep your resolve.

KittiesInsane Wed 27-Mar-13 11:20:52

Yes, just say the word and playpens could arrive on your doorstep from all round the country!
Mine is a striking shade of red with a dalmatian on it. Can't quite bring myself to throw it out,

LIZS Wed 27-Mar-13 11:22:53

Budget pasta sauce is less than 40p a jar iirc, likewise basic tinned tomatoes and pasta. If you have even £5 I'm sure you could come up with a basic meal as a one-off. What is dh eating at lunchtime , is he similarly not eating all day or just you ?

parachutesarefab Wed 27-Mar-13 11:24:42

I do have sympathy, but would say YABU. Don't lie, but you and DH need to have a good chat about your finances. This will probably sound a bit harsh, but please hear me out.

This week you had no money for food. Yet you planned to buy a takeaway on Friday, and spend £300 on things for the kids, a lot of which you don't need, or could get cheaper. What something goes wrong with the car, or you get another unexpected bill? Either you will have been paid so much by then that that won't be a problem (in which case splashing out, a little, on the in laws wouldn't be either), or you risk not having enough money for food (again).

You have to prioritise. How much do you NEED for food (excellent suggestions earlier for cheap meals, homemade soup is also brilliant)? And bills? And essentials for the DC (shoes, not toys, books and playpen). Getting to work. That can't be touched for anything else.

With what is left, you should put some aside as a 'rainy day fund' - for unexpected expenses. Only after that look at non-essentials.

Your shopping list:
shoes & socks - £50 Clarks shoes, supermarket socks (much cheaper shoes available)
2 school shirts - £10
school jumper - £20 (assuming has to be expensive one with school logo)
name tag for bag why? make one / write on the bag.
babygros - £10 (for 6, supermarket)
vests - £5 (6)
socks - £3 (5 pairs)
leggings - £10 (for 4)
playpen - I think not essential. But if there is a good reason - could you borrow a travel cot from a friend? Last resort - buy for £40.
a few toys & books - Go to the library. Use DS's old toys, cardboard boxes, plastic bowls etc. If you must - something 'new' for £2 in a charity shop / second hand sale.

That's £110, without a playpen, £150 with. Possible to do a lot cheaper, especially if there are any nearly new sales on. Kids don't care whether something is second hand.

I do understand that you want to treat your DC, but when things are this tight that should be with money left at the end of the month (when you're about to be paid again), not money that you might need for something else.

If you don't already use it I'd recommend moneysavingexpert.com, there is lots of good advice on there.

I think the inlaws are a separate issue. So plan to do free, or very cheap things with them. Park, library, walks, playing in the snow, reading, boardgames. If they suggest anything else "sorry, we can't afford it". Maybe they are mean, and have no concept of skint; maybe they don't think you are, as when they visit you buy takeaway, DH ferries them round to expensive places etc.

Good luck for the weekend. At least they'll only be with you for 4 days!

LadyClariceCannockMonty Wed 27-Mar-13 11:27:28

Good on you for making a decision, OP! Bugger all these suggestions for cheap meals and crap picnics; you don't need to pander to them, especially if they are as mean and thick-skinned as you say.

I wouldn't lie, just tell DH in advance what you've planned/thought about doing during their visit (free museums/activities at home/whatever else is within your means) and tell them the same, either ahead or when they arrive.

Money worries or not, it's plain thoughtless and piss-taking to come and stay with someone and not pay for at least some of the expenses of the visit.

MajorDivvy Wed 27-Mar-13 11:38:58

Good for you op! grin

armagh Wed 27-Mar-13 11:41:06

I still think your dh's attitude is very strange.

DorisIsWaiting Wed 27-Mar-13 11:46:51

£30 for the kids is a lot for that last. You could easily pick up a playpen for £10 from Gumtree or Ebay.

Have you thought abot speaking to anyone about your finances together as going out and spending £300 on the kids seems a bit unrealistic, given you have no savings to fall back on and were reduced to eating the free meal from work with your family.

Surely it would be more sensible to start a savings account with at least some of the money from your salary for when the car or boiler breaks etc.

There are loads of cheap /free things that you can do with the relations, local beauty spots parks etc

ElliesWellies Wed 27-Mar-13 11:51:51

I really think there is some room for compromise here. I understand you want to treat your DC, but if you're setting a budget of £300, you can get them what you need to, plus a couple of nice bits, and still be able to afford a takeaway or two. Though agree that your PILs should chip in.

Op - I seem to remember from your previous posts that you aren't in the UK are you?

Might have been helpful to point that out to the 100 or so people who've tried to help you. I think Rebecca's assessment of your 'tone' is absolutely on the spot tbh.

CinnabarRed Wed 27-Mar-13 12:01:28

TBF, the OP's name (now I come to focus on it) does imply that she is, in fact, in St Moritz....

StuntGirl Wed 27-Mar-13 12:06:08

With all due respect OP it really doesn't sound like it!

assumpta Wed 27-Mar-13 12:10:59

I really don't understand this. Tell your in laws you dont have money. If you can't afford something, you can't afford it. I know a lot of people say they can't afford stuff, but whine on about not being able to have a holiday and things that they don't actually NEED, be it flat screen tv's or any other luxury i.e. takeaways. These are not necessities!

Who on earth goes to visit someone else and expects them to pay for them to do things or pay for meals out? Do any of you? I certainly don't.

HotCrossPun Wed 27-Mar-13 12:25:21

I think your biggest problem is the fact you have to lie to your DH about getting paid.

You should be able to have a conversation with him, tell him that you don't want to spend any of your wage on his parents visit. That is fair enough and shouldn't require much debate.

You need to be honest with your PIL. If you haven't made your situation crystal clear you can't blame them for not understanding how skint you are. You have already told them you are skint - but in the past you have paid for meals out and excursions. That is why they don't understand your situation.

Good luck with the visit, hope things start to look up for you soon.

LIZS Wed 27-Mar-13 12:26:35

I think it may be historical . They have a certain expectation of their lifestyle and may now find it rather different.

Ionasky Wed 27-Mar-13 12:28:53

I don't think you sound whiney, lie or not, you shouldn't waste the money you've worked for and want to spend on the kids. The money issue might go away but agree you need to stop spending money when they come. Suggest they go to a park instead of a museum plus a library, there must be free things you can get to?

musicismylife Wed 27-Mar-13 12:30:09

Oh no, looks like you'll be sitting on the sofa with them for days...

Pigsmummy Wed 27-Mar-13 12:31:09

I would ask them to reshedule, suggest bank holiday in May instead? and in the mean time tell them that you haven't got a lot of spare money so it will be lunch at home rather than out etc? They might be very happy not to do a lot, if they suggest trips out then don't pay for everything, eat where you have to prepay and ask for their money upfront?

musicismylife Wed 27-Mar-13 12:33:14

If they haven't dipped in their pockets now, what makes you think they ever will?

Selfish, springs to mind.

zzzzz Wed 27-Mar-13 12:36:07

You are not good at money management , if you are pulling figures out of the air and having a "guess".

You need to start KEEPING some money every month for hard times.

You can price everything from home on the internet.....hmm

MariefromStMoritz Wed 27-Mar-13 12:41:25

I am good at money management. I have said £300 max. I also need some things: tights, haven't had a new toothbrush for a year, haven't had any conditioner since before Christmas... that kind of thing. Also, I don't live in the UK, so no Argos, no Asda, no libraries, no charity shops.

SirBoobAlot Wed 27-Mar-13 12:42:11

I don't think you should lie, tell them outright. Work out some free stuff to do whilst they're down.

expatinscotland Wed 27-Mar-13 12:45:06

They are already coming to say because you are wet. That's by the by now. But your DH's and your behaviour can either carry on as always, and you'll blow it all on your ILs whilst you go to work in holey tights and go without meals, or you can get a spine and end the gravy train for them. NO jacket spuds and pasta with 40p sauce, which you probably can't get because you are not in the UK, freezing to death in a park, etc. They stump up or get a hotel. Tell them now so they are prepared and don't have an excuse for not putting their hands in their pockets.

storynanny Wed 27-Mar-13 12:48:08

I agree with posters who have said tell them you can't afford to entertain them, they need to know or it may be a problem that occurs again and again. I also agree with those who have said feed them cheap stuff.
My ex MIL had "long pockets and short arms" , only ate cake when she came to ours, so I just stopped making them. She also always " forgot" to take her purse out when we went out for a walk with the children, her grandchildren, and therefore never ever bought them so much as an ice cream. So I used to say, sorry it's only ice creams for the children today, only just got enough money for them. She never ever took the hint but at least I wasn't spending money on a mean person that I didn't have.
Meanness is a most unpleasant trait in anyone, especially if, like my ex MIL they have loads of money.

SirBoobAlot Wed 27-Mar-13 12:48:51

What age / show size is your son? I have a bunch of outgrown boys shoes that I keep forgetting to stick on ebay ranging from a 3.5 to a 7.

expatinscotland Wed 27-Mar-13 12:49:12

' I also need some things: tights, haven't had a new toothbrush for a year, haven't had any conditioner since before Christmas... that kind of thing.'

When you don't have money for basics like this, you are not good at money management. Either that or you're one of those women with a controlling fuckwit tightwad for a husband who forces you to semi-starve and use your own savings after giving birth to his children. In which case, his entertaining his folks whilst his wife brings up a free lunch to feed his children is the least of your problems.

expatinscotland Wed 27-Mar-13 12:51:06

'Meanness is a most unpleasant trait in anyone, especially if, like my ex MIL they have loads of money.'

It's always those with the most who are the tightest.

CinnabarRed Wed 27-Mar-13 12:51:06

Couldn't agree more, expat.

MariefromStMoritz Wed 27-Mar-13 12:52:22

expatinscotland, those are some extreme assumptions you are making there! I had to stop work very suddenly a year ago. We also had to employ childcare because I couldn't take DS to school. That has put us in an awful postion financially.

That is the only reason.

CinnabarRed Wed 27-Mar-13 12:55:57

But, OP, the point is still that while in dire straights financially (which you will be for a few months more, once you've started working aginn), your DH wants to spend the money you have on his parents' entertainment and not on necessities.

MiniEggsJumpedInMyBasket Wed 27-Mar-13 12:56:14

I do think in a way that expat has a point. Tesco value toothbrushes are around 30p, as it Value conditioner. Tights are £1 for 4 pairs in Primark.

I don't mean this in a horrible way Marie, but I think to be that destitute that you can't afford a few basic essentials for yourself it probably means that you could organise your finances a little better. Hopefully now you are working again this will help things to sort themselves out. I really feel for you that you've been having to take your meal from work home for the family but seriously, one meal between four of you? What are your children eating in the day if you are totally penniless? I don't mean any of this in a horrible way but I think it would be worth looking at your finances and seeing if you can organise things a little more efficiently.

expatinscotland Wed 27-Mar-13 12:57:13

Fair enough, but then why not tell the ILs no if you know what they are like when they visit? Times are tough, you can't afford a toothbrush or food, and yet have them over when you know they expect to be well-fed and watered at your expense and your husband is too wet to tell them otherwise?

TanteRose Wed 27-Mar-13 13:03:40

yes, but OP doesn't live in the UK, so maybe there are no value places

(are you really in StMoritz, Marie?? - if so, then Switzerland is ridiculous expensive...)

I still think it is your DH that is the problem

MariefromStMoritz Wed 27-Mar-13 13:07:31

I live in one of the most expensive countries on the planet.

RenterNomad Wed 27-Mar-13 13:08:57

I would do the shopping online immediately, so:
- the money is already spent, leaving nothing for fripperies
- the best value is online anyway

The ILs and your H need tackling, though, H first and foremost, as you won't get anywhere with his parents without him.

Sorry you are having a hard time from other posters as well, even after <ahem, forgive me for shouting> YOO-HOO, THE OP HAS EXPLAINED ABOUT THE £300'S BEING AN EXAMPLE; SHE'S NOT REALLY GOING TO SPEND THAT MUCH!

I have a friend in France, who's regaled me with tales if the lack of cheapo/ second hand outlets. It's s similar tale in various other parts of Europe, especially Eastern Europe.

LIZS Wed 27-Mar-13 13:10:04

but even then not all local residents can afford the higher price items . There is normally a market or low-cost equivalent supermarket brands.

MariefromStMoritz Wed 27-Mar-13 13:11:57

I can't imagine only paying 30p for a toothbrush. Or 25p for a pair of tights. Love the idea of going online and spending all my wages grin. Can you imagine DH: "Marie, how much money do you have?". Me: "Nothing. I have spent it all".

MiniEggsJumpedInMyBasket Wed 27-Mar-13 13:19:53

Ooops sorry Marie, I must have missed the posts about you living abroad.

Have you got family over in the UK? If essentials are really pricey where you are it might be worth getting a family member to send you over a parcel twice a year of toothbrushes, tights, all those little things that we can get here for rock bottom prices but that are probably sky high in cost where you live

NonnoMum Wed 27-Mar-13 13:26:00

Is there a charity that you can apply for for help?

In the meantime, noodles to eat, park for entertainment.

LIZS Wed 27-Mar-13 13:34:36

Whya charity ? The issue isn't cashflow any more, just agreeing priorities for how it is spent.

RenterNomad Wed 27-Mar-13 13:40:42

Yes, we forget that the UK is really quite competitive about pricing some things (so we're very pissed off when we get ripped off!). Good idea about the care package, MiniEggs!

Glad you're planning to blow safely invest your money on line! wink More seriously, think of it as paying back an overdraft: you are seriously overdrawn on current clothing, food and toiletries, and the levels of interest (holes, outgrown items, bare shelves, safety measures for the little one) are crippling your family. Caling it "investing" isn't actually a joke!

BonzoDooDah Wed 27-Mar-13 13:51:42

Marie
good on you saying you're not spending it. Keep it safe. If you are that skint then the In-Laws NEED to know that.
you need to sit them down and explain to them just how little you have. Say it in a nonconfrontational way. You don't sound like a martyr to me - you sounds like you're completely stuck and are doing well.
Are the in-laws the kind of people who are deliberately mean? I'd hope not and if so they probably don't really understand just how skint you are when you say that. All of us have said " oh I'm broke" but not so many are as truely broke as you are. (hopefully)
If you explain it all and say that you haven't been paid (and they wouldn't know) then hopefully they will be able to help you out.
After-all if they can afford a plane ticket to come and visit you then they DO have disposable income unlike you.
Good luck and here's looking forwards to when your money worries are a few less.

Davsmum Wed 27-Mar-13 13:57:47

Its none of their business whether you have been paid or not.
You don't have to justify not having enough money to spend when they are with you.

You should just say you hope they will be happy staying in because you cannot afford anything else at the moment

Viviennemary Wed 27-Mar-13 14:01:37

I don't think this would be wrong under the circumstances. You must put your children before entertaining your entitled in-laws. In fact you'd be better putting them off coming altogether. Make up a sickness bug or something. I didn't used to approve of telling lies but with some folk there is no alternative.

I don't think the Op's inlaws can be totally blamed for not appreciating the position. As I recall the OP has spent a lot of money in the past on IVF and a nanny so it's perhaps understandable that they do not appreciate the current destitute position.

thezebrawearspurple Wed 27-Mar-13 14:55:45

Glad to hear your going to keep your money for your children and not waste it on your selfish inlaws. Since they refuse to see how 'poor' you are at the moment and insisted on coming despite being told it's a bad time, let them turn up and see the haven't yet been paid reality, maybe it'll embarrass them out of being such freeloading tightwadsgrin At the very least they would be forced to pay their own way.

I'd lie to your husband too, if only to prevent him from trying to nag you into emptying your back account for these greedy feckers.

Keep the money safely in your account until they are gone. You never know, they may even find a heart and buy your ds some shoes.

From now on I would suggest you don't waste a penny on these people, no matter how much more comfortable you are on their next visit, refuse to spend money on them. They can't even help out with their grandkids when you're broke ffs, there is no give with these people. Let them fund their own way from now on.

zzzzz Wed 27-Mar-13 15:07:24

Mayonnaise, makes a great conditioner as does egg yolk.

I am now consumed with curiosity as to where this land of uber expensive nylons and toothbrushes is!

ArtVandelay Wed 27-Mar-13 16:35:31

Marie, is there no lidl, aldi, netto in Switzerland?

I'm in Germany and I find some things very expensive compared to the UK. Have you tried Amazon? I've had bargains on there with pet stuff and gym mats (sorry, bit eclectic) its usually way cheaper than shops.

H&M online is great - they often do freepost and other special offers. There's always discounted clothes in the sale.

Second hand clothes are really expensive here - people expect top dollar for nasty old crap and there are no charity shops!

ArtVandelay Wed 27-Mar-13 16:39:05

Oh and don't get me started on children's shoes... Everything is 60 euros + unless you buy plimsolls. My mum buys up Clarkes sale an d sends it over for my DS, thank goodness.

MiniEggsJumpedInMyBasket Wed 27-Mar-13 16:42:14

Couldn't you buy bundles from UK Ebay? Lots of sellers will ship to European countries and even with the postage it may well work out cheaper than buying things where you live. It doesn't cost much more these days to send a parcel to a European country than it does to send it within the UK

forevergreek Wed 27-Mar-13 16:54:42

There is an Aldi in st moritz - it's:
ALDI SUISSE AG, SAMEDAN

They will have cheap pasta sauce, toothbrushes for 50 cents, cheap conditioner and possible shoes/ baby things depending on what week it is

eBay/ amazon etc also deliver. Last time I was in st moritz there was also a few charity shops ( oxfam I think). Which will have books/ toys/ clothes.

Do you really need a playpen? Thy only last a few months before most children can climb out so become a tad useless

I would def save the rest. Get yourself to Aldi to buy all the essentials you say you havent had for months. 50 euros will still get you a lot of essentials.

Does you 5/6/7 year old have no books that you can read to baby? They dont have to be hard back if you help her. Also is there no toys of his she can play with? Bath rubber duck/ wooden cooking spoon/ fill plastic bottle with rice and seal as a shaker. You would be better off waiting until she is a year or so and buy a toy them that will last longer and she will place with more

You live in an expensive country, your PILs will be coming to see your from the UK, right?

How do you feel about asking them to bring things with them from the UK 'because they are so much cheaper there'? Since they're uninvited guests anyway?

LIZS Wed 27-Mar-13 17:10:11

Not sure the op is in CH now , but there are budget supermarkets (not on scale of Tesco but do the home and clothing staples none the less), also Carrefour, Aldi, Lidl et al, with factory outlets and less expensive shoe shops too. Hopefully they are over their financial blip now. If pils are form uk can they not bring a parcel of essentials , we used to ask for particular food or basics ie pack of 6 baby bodysuits.

Toasttoppers Wed 27-Mar-13 17:12:36

The real problem is the fact that your DH is completely withholding the truth from his parents. Regardless of playpens, tights with holes and how you ended up brassic. If you have always hidden how hard things are they will not have a clue. I'm guessing your DH feels a failure, are his parents very successful?

My friend has in laws that expect to be waited on hand and foot and drink gallons of her wine. Drives her potty but she does not say or do anything. Tell your DH to grow a pair and tell them and let him know you will if he doesn't.

SquinkieBunnies Wed 27-Mar-13 18:01:42

Not sure what country you are in Marie, but Mark and Spencers has free shipping to many right now, I'm US and just replaced all my old saggy bras and knickers, you could probably find all kinds of kids stuff on their clearance and tights for you, cheaper than Switzerland if tats where you are.
Maybe if you mention the country, there are mums on here who know of deals in your area.

HansieMom Wed 27-Mar-13 20:28:36

When you bring your lunch home, does your husband eat it? Has he had lunch?

I really want you to serve PIL beans on toast.

Darkesteyes Wed 27-Mar-13 20:58:03

Is it just you skipping lunch at work or is your dh doing it as well

so of course it would be better not to lie. but you will both feel very under pressure to be hospitable when they're actually in your living room expecting food. it is very hard to resist.

so yes, i would lie. and get them to see exactly what your kind of broke is.

hopefully they will step up to the plate.

plus - get your dh to deal with getting his parents to pay. they are his parents after all.

TempusFuckit Wed 27-Mar-13 21:40:15

Isn't the point that the OP has enough money to spend the shockingly huge sum of £300 on treating her kids after a year of penny pinching - as long as she doesn't wine and dine her selfish inlaws?

ArtVandelay Thu 28-Mar-13 06:27:40

I agree Tempus, I just felt a bit sorry for someone not having had a new toothbrush for a year and decided to give some (unsolicited) advice.

I also wanted to point out that you can't just pop to Asda for some 12 quid school shoes or some 50p tights so budgeting 300 quid for the shopping doesn't make Marie a mad spendthrift.

Have a nice and cheap weekend Marie smile

myBOYSareBONKERS Thu 28-Mar-13 06:50:15

OP

Have you tried your local facebook selling pages? or pre-loved?

RenterNomad Thu 28-Mar-13 09:24:34

Hope you're all out, having a good time en plein air , which will make the house's reduced heating feel warmer on your return! wink

Noideaatall Fri 29-Mar-13 01:08:26

I totally agree that when some people say they have no money, they don't mean in the same way as others. When my DP says they didn't have much money growing up, he means, only one holiday a year, shopping at Sainsburys instead of Waitrose, and his mum had to work. In my family, not much money meant bread & butter for tea and no heating. Maybe the PIL are in the first group? In which case, time to introduce them to the second..

BonzoDooDah Thu 04-Apr-13 20:21:01

How did you get on?
Did they cough-up for the goods?

armagh Fri 05-Apr-13 17:48:08

Well. Were the in laws decent?
Did they help out ?

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now