To wish my parents would stop pushing money on me?

(76 Posts)
MumfordandDaughter Mon 25-Mar-13 20:04:17

I realise I'm lucky to have 'well-off' parents to fall back on when times are tough, but their current financial interfering is really annoying me.

I've been a lone parent since my child was born. Ex pays monthly via CSA (approx £30) every now and then, as he goes from job to job. I am a self employed cleaner, which is a relatively new business venture for me, so not making millions quite yet.

Ever since my dd was born 5 years ago, my parents have been paying for stuff. E.g. they used to do a big monthly shop for me and have it delivered. They'd go and buy dd a new wardrobe of clothes twice a year. They'd steal my electric key when they'd come and visit, then go and top it up without me knowing until they'd returned with it.

I was very grateful for this help in the early days, as i was a new parent, and really struggling. However, once i found my feet, i felt as if they were babying me and asked them to step back, assuring them i'd ask them for money if i ever needed it.

However, in the past year, it's started up again. Only this time it's proper cash they're giving me. They visit once a week, and just as they're about to leave, they'll whip out £40-£50 and put it on the table for me.

My parents really struggled when my siblings and i were very young. They'd go hungry so we could eat etc. And my mum keeps saying she doesn't want me to be in that situation.

When i first started out in my cleaning business, my mum started hiring me for a ridiculously high amount of hours per week and insisted on paying me double my hourly rate. I told her i felt patronised, and wouldn't be doing it anymore when she refused to take me on as an average customer would.

I've told them time and time again that i don't want or need their money. But my dad says to save it then in case of emergencies (e.g. i need a new cooker/washing machine one day) and my mum says to stop refusing it as it insults my dad.

It's getting to the stage where i'm starting to discourage them from visiting me, as i don't want to deal with the awkwardness of them leaving me money.

And the main reason i'm fretting over this now is because of something that happened last week. I went to visit my parent's house on the Sunday. My dad was a bit drunk and tried pushing money on me again. I told him no, and then he said 'I know you keep refusing, but let's be honest, you'd be raging if i didn't give you any, wouldn't you?'

So, basically, he thinks i expect this money each week!

I knew this would happen. He's gotten into a habit of providing for me, and now feels he can't stop it or it will upset/anger me.

Sorry, this has become a much longer post than i thought it would be.

To summarise, AIBU to want them to stop pushing this money on me all the time? My friends think i'm really lucky and should stop complaining. I feel as though my dad thinks it's somehow his place to step in, financially, for dd's absent father. No matter what i do or say, he won't stop giving me money. On one occassion, he even posted it through the door one night when i was asleep because he knew i wouldn't take it from him.

It makes me really uncomfortable. I've expressed this to my parents yet they won't stop!

MrsSpagBol Mon 25-Mar-13 20:07:53

Gosh I wish I had this problem!!!

Sorry OP, not to be flippant but am really in a financial hell hole at the min.

Back to your post. I think you should calmly and clearly tell them all this - bearing in mind that they are only trying to help. Perhaps write it down?

Wabbitty Mon 25-Mar-13 20:08:49

They may be guilt-tripping you into accepting the money but no one is forcing you to spend it.

Set up a bank account and stick the money in it.

Put it all in a bank account for your DD.

TheCraicDealer Mon 25-Mar-13 20:09:19

If you've told them and they're still doing it, then I'd put it in a savings account for your DD. Your Dad's right in that your DD doesn't have a father who provides financially for her, not in any meaningful way. You're doing alright day-to-day on your own, more than alright really. But one day there might be something she needs- a deposit for a flat while she's at uni, help with driving lessons, anything- and you might not be able to help her. And instead of asking your Dad (or not helping her) you can whop out the emergency savings.

Hassled Mon 25-Mar-13 20:10:30

I do understand that there's something quite patronising about how they're behaving - I understand why you feel how you do.

But - you'll get the money sooner or later and if it makes them happy to feel that they're supporting/helping you now, then maybe you should let them. That urge to help will be born out of the hard times they had when you were young - if you've had a rough time of it then it's often really important that your child doesn't go through the same stuff (sweeping generalisation, but often you'll find materially spoilt children have parents who grew up with very few toys, etc).

Do you have any siblings? I'm sort of assuming from your post you're the only child.

Maybe one solution is that you accept the money and stick it in a savings account for your DD.

thegreylady Mon 25-Mar-13 20:10:40

I would accept it and put it in an account for your dd.Tell your parents that that is what you are doing and send them regular statements of the account.Then if your dd needs anything big you have the money available.

thegreylady Mon 25-Mar-13 20:11:04

cross posts!

jinxdragon Mon 25-Mar-13 20:11:37

Yabu. Save it, they're not going to stop giving it to you, they clearly want you to be in a good financial position. Having savings is a very good financial position.

Alibabaandthe40nappies Mon 25-Mar-13 20:11:49

They are trying to do a nice thing.

Open a separate bank account and put it all in there for your DD's uni fees or house deposit.

LetMeAtTheWine Mon 25-Mar-13 20:15:12

I don't think YABU to feel the way you do - I am in a similar situation (although to a much lesser extent) and it drives me mad.
I agree with the others who have said just stick it in a savings account and decide what to do with it in the future.

dashoflime Mon 25-Mar-13 20:15:49

I don't think YABU. My PIL attempt to do this sort of thing and I find it increadably claustraphobic.
I also think it can be an attempt to infantalise an adult child.
How do you think they would react if you showed them this thread?
BTW I don't like the comment that you would be "raging" if they didn't press money on you. It seems manipulative to me.

catsmother Mon 25-Mar-13 20:18:02

Your parents sound fab actually - very well meaning and caring even if their actions are misguided in the light of you having said you don't want or need their money. I'm not sure how direct you've been about this - after all it's a pretty common place reaction to say "oh no I couldn't possibly" when someone offers you money when secretly you really need it. Maybe if you were to write to them and explain how much you appreciate their concern but you're doing okay now and you wish they'd spend their money on themselves, or perhaps even suggest that if they're really determined to do something for you they could save this money for DD's future. Tell them that you feel very blessed to know that you could absolutely turn to them in an emergency and reassure them that you'll do exactly that should you ever find yourself in dire straits etc etc etc.

You also sound fab too - to be so determined to be independent as I'm sure many people would take the money regardless - after all very few of us wouldn't be able to find anything to spend it on.

I hope you sort it out and don't all fall out and/or get insulted in the process as this is actually a very "nice" problem to have. I don't mean the money as such - but to have parents who care enough to be looking out for you the way they do. Sure, can appreciate it might be a bit embarrassing, suffocating or awkward, but I really do think their behaviour is done with the best of intentions. It doesn't sound, for example, as if they want to control you by bestowing money upon you as some parents might, and there may be an element of them wanting to "make it up" to you if they feel "regret" at you not having much as a child.

aurynne Mon 25-Mar-13 20:18:09

OP, I understand you perfectly, as something similar happened to me with my aunties. When I left home at 20 they insisted on giving me money, buying me food... they did it with the best of intentions, but I am a very independent person, and the point of me leaving home was precisely to prove to myself I could survive on my own. I had to have a very serious conversation (several, actually) with them, in which I have no doubt I hurt them deeply, telling them I would not accept any more money, and would only accept food if it was in a "let's have dinner at your house today" arrangement, that could go both ways.

They do it with the best of intentions, but it is offensive and patronizing. You are not a child or a dependant any more, and you have the right to be very proud of yourself and of your new business venture without other people making you feel you can't go without their help.

You have all my support.

littlebitofthislittlebitofthat Mon 25-Mar-13 20:18:55

I dont want to be antagonistic... but get a grip! many MANY people, myself inculded would be thrilled to have half of the opportunities that you have....

Parents that care about you,
bother to come and see you,
have ALWAYS been there for you and
are in a position to be able to help you out.

AND here you are Moaning about it! you should be ashamed of yourself.



HOWEVER, if you want a practical solution, when they come over and offer the money, say put it in the teapot in the kitchen, if i need it i'll use it. then if you dont use it they will see the money in there accumulating, and then when they comment on it you can say... i appreciate you helping me out, but as you can see, i havent touched it. Now that you know i have a nestegg... shall we not put any more in till i need it, because i dont like having so much money in the house.

aurynne Mon 25-Mar-13 20:19:27

Actually, I would not put that money in an account for DD. I would open an account, give the account number to your parents and tell them that, if they feel the need to spend any money, they will need to transfer it to that account for their GD, because any money given to you will be returned to them.

MumfordandDaughter Mon 25-Mar-13 20:20:03

Thanks everyone.

I have six other siblings. Two of them are still in education, the other four are in good jobs. I'm the lowest earner out of the lot. So i think my parents pity me. And i'm sure my siblings resent the fact our parents are giving me money.

Forgot to say in my OP (please don't think i'm drip feeding!) on that Sunday, my dad had also said, 'I wouldn't have to give you money if you went out and got a proper job.'

I don't actually think he wants to give me the money, but feels he has to. I haven't seen him since that Sunday, and I'm putting them off visiting me. I'm sure my dad won't remember what he said, but i do and it really hurt me. The thought of accepting another penny from them makes me feel ashamed and guilty.

I earn enough to keep me and dd happy. But in their opinion, i'm acting a hero and secretly struggling - which is so untrue.

I have been saving the money they've given so far, and on occassion I've had to dip into it for essentials. Such as a new washing machine last year, which i otherwise would have had to get from a catalogue.

But i really don't want their money anymore. I feel babied, and feel as though they're in control of my spending. E.g. i bought myself a new pair of jeans last month and my mum commented on them and asked how much they were. I felt as though she was thinking, 'so me and your dad paid for them?'.

I don't think i'm explaining myself well at all. Again, i realise how lucky i am. But i don't want them providing for me or my daughter any more. And i don't know how to get them to stop.

dashoflime Mon 25-Mar-13 20:23:41

I agree with aurynne. That way you demonstrate your independance and redirect them towards supporting their grandchild which is more appropriate.

DinglebertWangledack Mon 25-Mar-13 20:25:27

I think you should consider yourself very lucky, I was kicked out at 16, the only time they helped me was sending me my things and paying for a cab to the hostel I got a place in hmm my stepfather drove, I still to this day can't believe they begrudged me a lift considering it pretty much meant they were shot of me. Relationship floundered over the years but am now fully estranged from them after they maliciously reported me to SS accusing me of not looking after DD (SS found no problems at all and case was closed)

Sooo, which set of parents would you prefer?

catsmother Mon 25-Mar-13 20:26:36

Ah right - I can see why your dad's remarks hurt but don't take them to heart if he was tipsy. At the end of the day he doesn't have to give you anything and you've been refusing it all this time so he's under no real obligation to continue.

The teapot suggestion is a good one - if they can see it's not being used it might deter them. And that would also stop you feeling bad about new jeans if it was clear that their money hadn't bought them - although maybe your mum was just making conversation anyway ?

Xmasbaby11 Mon 25-Mar-13 20:27:41

This is really tricky. I can see how it is annoying, and I don't know what else you can say to them really. If they don't think you have a 'proper job', would it help to explain a bit about your company and offer to invest their money into it, since you don't need their money for essentials?

Nagoo Mon 25-Mar-13 20:27:44

yep, like other posters said, bank it for your DD smile No problem at all then eh?

I dream of things like this

Xmasbaby11 Mon 25-Mar-13 20:29:01

If it were me, I would be happy to put the money in a bank account for DD.

BackforGood Mon 25-Mar-13 20:29:28

I think YABU actually. I do understand the "I have my pride" bit, but perhaps it would help if you tried to look at it through their eyes ? If they struggled when you were younger, I suspect they can't actually bring themselves to "fritter" money away on themselves (my parents were like this, and to a lesser extent, so am I), so they will either be saving it all away in a bank account which (presumably?) you will get when they die, or they can give it you now when presumably it will make your life a little bit easier at a time when most parents struggle (when children are young). If you feel you don't need it / don't want to use it now, then, as other suggest, put it in a bank account and have it for a rainy day, or, if that doesn't come, to give you dd driving lessons or support with her first home deposit or to help her if she wants to go to colege or whatever. I don't see what you've got to gain by throwing it back in their faces. sad.

dashoflime Mon 25-Mar-13 20:29:57

"Forgot to say in my OP (please don't think i'm drip feeding!) on that Sunday, my dad had also said, 'I wouldn't have to give you money if you went out and got a proper job.'"

Ha! I knew it! I just knew there would be some attempt to belittle going alongside it!

MyDarlingClementine Mon 25-Mar-13 20:30:12

stick it in a savings account.

you do not know whats round the corner.

tell them, say i am grateful you are helping me out- however its difficult for me to accept this money, however if you choose to keep giving it to me, its going into savings.

i wouldnt look a gift horse in the mouth just yet.

TheCraicDealer Mon 25-Mar-13 20:31:50

Re. the jeans thing- my Mum does this. It's just because she's nosy and she loves knowing her Matalan jobbies were half the price of mine. Yes Mum, but mine don't have diamanté on the arse.

Nagoo Mon 25-Mar-13 20:33:15

Tell them that you are saving it.

Then they might realise that they are not supporting you. It's up to them then whether they continue to give money to you.

MumfordandDaughter Mon 25-Mar-13 20:38:24

Thanks again for the advice.

My parents don't have any savings. My sister constantly tells them off for this, and I think this is why my siblings resent them giving me money so often.

I've told my mum she ought to save, but she says that she much prefers to live in the moment.

So, although they do seem very well off, and living a nice lifestyle, the reality is they have little to no savings for their elder years, or if my dad's company ever went tits up.

In my opinion, they have only really come into money in the past decade or so. So it would seem they've went from nothing to loads in a short space of time, and now feel they're floating around in an excess of cash. They're totally blowing their money, which is their right, but i don't want to be one of their financial regrets if anything bad was to happen.

Again, I'm not sure i'm explaining myself properly. If my dad could build up his company from nothing, with no financial help - why do my parents not have the same faith in me?

I just wish they'd respect my wishes and back off. I wish they believed that i would not be too proud to ask them for help if ever i needed it.

MsVestibule Mon 25-Mar-13 20:38:42

YANBU. You are a grown woman and they (particularly your Dad) are trying to infantalise you. You work, you can provide for yourself and your daughter, you do not need their money, especially when accompanied by comments such as "we wouldn't have to do this if you had a proper job", etc.

Your mum says he would be insulted if you didn't take the money, but she doesn't mind insulting you by forcing the money on you? Quite how you refuse it, I don't know. Could you write them a letter or sit them down together (not when they're trying to give you money!) and explain calmly what you want them to do/stop doing?

flumperoo Mon 25-Mar-13 20:39:41

Your parents sound really caring, thoughtful, helpful and generous. How lucky you are!

MsVestibule Mon 25-Mar-13 20:40:47

but mine don't have diamanté on the arse. Never mind, Craic, don't be too sad - maybe the next pair you buy will wink.

Hassled Mon 25-Mar-13 20:41:02

I think the existence of siblings changes things - my worry is that if they carry on, they're setting you up for a falling out with the siblings further down the line. Siblings may be OK at the moment, but circumstances can change on a sixpence - if your parents can't/won't bail them out too, there's bound to be resentment.

Have you spelt out to them how it makes you feel? Or would that make no difference - is it really a control thing?

Jojobump1986 Mon 25-Mar-13 20:44:54

I get where you're coming from. My PILs aren't as forceful about it as your parents but they do occasionally offer us money for various things. We've always made a point of telling them that we want to be financially independent & can just about manage to get by with just DH's salary. Thankfully they respect that & only occasionally check that we've got enough to cover us in emergencies like when the car broke down a couple of years ago. The only non-emergency time they offer any money is when it's a large expense that will benefit the children & even then it's very much a take-it-or-leave-it offer. I think I'd be banging my head against the wall if I were you! Yes, it's lovely that they're in a position to be able to help but that doesn't mean it's necessary! I think the teapot idea is good, although maybe a clear jar would be better so they can see without actually looking in it.

MTSgroupie Mon 25-Mar-13 20:46:09

YABU

I could understand your reluctance if the money came with strings but, as far as I can tell, you are free to spend the money on spa weekends if that is your wish. If it's such a big deal to you, bank it and one day just stick all the money back into their bank account.

As for your dad's comments, my area is full of mums trying to make money out of their 'cleaning business'. Well, unless you land a regular gig to supply cleaning staff to an office block, you aren't going to make a decent living out of it. I mean, my cleaner charges me £10/hour. When you factor in travel costs and time she is earning minimum wage even if she had a full daily roster of customers

It sounds like your dad is trying to be supportive but sometimes his true feelings seep out. Don't blame the guy. At least he tries to be supportive the 95% of the time.

daintree3 Mon 25-Mar-13 20:46:18

YABVU

purrpurr Mon 25-Mar-13 20:46:47

Seems like a rather clever control technique. After all, how could you possibly complain? Generally, if things don't sit well with you, or something about it feels 'off', that's because for whatever reason, it's not a good fit for you, so you can decide to not have whatever it is in your life. Your parents could be showering you in £10 notes whenever you open your front door out of the kindness of their hearts but if you don't want that, you shouldn't be forced to accept it.

When you add in remarks about you not having a proper job (an attempt to stifle your independence) and comments about you expecting the money (implying that somehow you have shown you are reliant upon their support so this is all entirely your fault) it becomes a murky game of control. The fact that they have no savings themselves just adds a frankly bizarre and irresponsible twist.

YANBU. How to get them to stop without destroying the relationship you have with them - no idea. Have your siblings offered any sensible, helpful advice or are they just whining that you're getting money?

defineme Mon 25-Mar-13 20:58:35

I've discovered that this always goes wrong.
I really do understand op and those people telling you to get a grip can go and answer an op they consider more worthy.
I would have been absolutely mortified by your Dad's comments, just because he's giving you money it doesn't mean he's kind.
My dm is a spendthrift and spend everything she has, which is her business.However, I never accept anything that she offers because she will always snipe about how much money's been given and what it's been spent on.
I would step back.
YANBU and I for one think it's very very rude to push gifts onto people.
Just say 'start an account for dd and put it in there'.

thezebrawearspurple Mon 25-Mar-13 20:58:51

From your description of your mothers reaction to your new jeans, I'd suggest turning up in a new outfit every time you see them, then they might stopwink

Or you could save it for your dd.

Ducklings45 Mon 25-Mar-13 21:31:59

YABU.

We are barely making ends meet and even havig an extra £10 a week would make a huge difference to us. Sadly my parents cannot afford to do this. If you are not happy, put it all in a trust fund for your dc!

MummytoKatie Mon 25-Mar-13 22:00:12

I have similar parents (except that they have loads of savings, I only have one sibling and they have never made any snide comments.)

It's taken time but over the years we have slowly trained them not to give us stuff. We do let them save for dd though which helps. Generally they put the money in bonus bonds for her.

Apileofballyhoo Mon 25-Mar-13 22:02:07

YANBU. Somebody is doing something you don't like, you've asked them to stop, they won't.
I was going to suggest buying weekly luxurious but quite impractical gifts for your parents with the money as a way of making them stop (designer hats, ridiculous ornaments etc) but now that it's been mentioned they have no savings I would suggest saving it for them. You can tell your siblings this is what you're doing.

aldiwhore Mon 25-Mar-13 22:06:34

I think your Dad's comments come from a feeling of rejection and hurt rather than him actually thinking you aren't someone to be proud of... I hope.

That aside, this is all money you'll probably get a share of one day anyway, perhaps your parents think it fairer to split their will evenly BUT because you earn less want to give you bits and bobs now? I know my parents do that with my brother. (Which is a whole other story, my parents assume too much, a) that we are financially okay and b) that my brother is struggling through not fault of his own when really he'd be fine if he stopped drinking as much! - like I say WHOLE other thread)

YANBU. Though you are lucky to have parents who will never see you without, it comes at a price. Do they take their generousity to the next level where they think they can dictate on all areas of your life?

Or do they simply think you deserve to be better off through your hard work? Maybe they admire you and 'reward' you as they see fit where the world doesn't?

Perhaps you should write a letter, a really grateful loving one that basically requests that they please stop giving you cash? Could you recruit one of your siblings to fight your corner for you? You WNBU if you accepted this cash, and I think YWBU if you refused ALL financial gestures, a bit stubborn, but YANBU to feel awkward. You are proud and you work hard, and people like you prefer to be able to say you did it without help than to expect hand outs... there is NOTHING wrong with that, maybe that is their motivation? Pride in you?

thebody Mon 25-Mar-13 22:20:16

Come back and whine when u r broke, can't afford food or clothes for dd and at risk of loosing your home.

Until then respectfully do one chik.

I'm really sitting on the fence here, as I can see it from both sides!

"My parents really struggled when my siblings and i were very young. They'd go hungry so we could eat etc. ... In my opinion, they have only really come into money in the past decade or so. So it would seem they've went from nothing to loads in a short space of time, and now feel they're floating around in an excess of cash."
I think you may be underestimating how much their past is shaping their present. Really, really struggling financially can leave a hangover for the rest of your life. It's possible that the reason they give you money is not so much because they feel they can afford to, but that the thought of you struggling as they once did sends them both into a blind panic, with the accompanying knots in the stomach.

I can understand your hurt from what your dad said when tipsy, because you probably think 'In vino veritas'. I tend more to a Billy Connolly sketch grin, where he talked about drunks telling complete strangers that they loved them, whilst telling their loved ones to fuck off they hate them. Alcohol is not a truth serum, it produces semi-coherent babbling. Please, try to put what your father said whilst tipsy to one side, it is not reliable. And I would still see fear at the bottom of it rather than any desire to infantilise you. Even the 'proper job' comment - being an employee rather than self-employed can be seen as 'safer' (holiday pay, sick pay), so again motivated by fear.

"However, in the past year, it's started up again."
Has anything changed in the past year, that might have prompted this; either in your life or in theirs? Or even in the lives of your siblings, that could have made them more fearful of the future?

I think the suggestion to open an account with the money could be the way to go. Not for you, not for your DD, but to be kept for your parents. You say they have no savings, maybe you could take the 'parental' role with them over this and make their savings for them? And let your siblings quietly know that this is what you are doing?

MumfordandDaughter Mon 25-Mar-13 22:49:48

Thanks once again.

I see what you all mean by keeping the money in a jar, so they can see it gathering, but in all honesty, the thought of taking another penny from them really makes me uncomfortable. And it's beginning to ruin my relationship with them. I can't see them anymore without anticipating the 'farewell moment' where they'll somehow leave money with me.

I'm going to try and be firm with them next time they attempt it. I'll make it clear that it insults me, i want to provide for my child without their help, and although i'm grateful, it makes me uncomfortable. I'll maybe ask my sister if she can back me up, but i doubt she will. My mum politely asked her last year not to interfere with my parents' finances, after my sister suggested they start saving for their old age.

Thebody - i have been there, thank you. For a few months when my daughter was born. it was terrifying. And that is what started this situation with my parents. But now i've found my feet, I don't want or need them to pay my way anymore. I've already acknowledged how lucky I am, but it doesn't mean I'm not allowed to take issue with this. It's making me unhappy.

Open a bank account and stick any money they give you in it. You may be very grateful for it one day.

Failing that...send it to me!

This is one of those situations I feel almost entirely different about now I have kids.
If my daughter was working hard to set up her own business, not presumably earning very much in the early days, having to pay for utilities via an expensive meter etc AND she had her own daughter, my grand daughter, to provide for, I'm pretty certain I'd be selling the shirt off my back and wine out of my fridge to help them. I literally don't think I could help myself, and I imagine your parents feel the same way.
As for your Dad, I think he's just challenging you a bit to make you determined to succeed. Obviously you don't need that, bu I wouldn't read much more into it than that!

BackforGood Mon 25-Mar-13 23:10:52

Excellent post by WhereYouLeftIt
If you are convinced they have no savings, and you are too proud to take money off them, then just allow yourself to be a 'vessel' to save for their rainy day. It's just not worth upsetting them over. Put it in a savings account and don't use any of it if you don't want to - it will be there when they might need it in later years then.

dashoflime Mon 25-Mar-13 23:15:11

TwelveLeggedWalk I get you and I feel the same. But I also hope, as a parent, that I would also be able to refrain from behaviour that made my children feel so uncomfortable.

I'm a bit hmm at all the people who are telling OP to be grateful to be honest.

Read the thread again:

They overstep her boundaries by continuing to do something she has made clear makes her uncomfortable
They run down her job and her ability to earn a living
They make comments implying she is entitled (you'd be raging if we didn't give you money) and feckless (how much did those jeans cost?)

Its really controlling and weird.
No amount of money would buy my acquiescence with that kind of bullshit.

thebody Mon 25-Mar-13 23:16:17

Fair enough op, as others have said put it away for dd and good luck to you.

You are obviously not a user and don't expect your parents to foot your bills so be proud aye.

aurynne Mon 25-Mar-13 23:32:13

Some posters are missing the point... this is not about the OP "choosing" whether she would prefer to be broke or her current situation. This is the OP not being happy with either her situation, and most likely wouldn't be happy being broke either. The fact that some people are worse off than the OP is not a reason to belittle her feelings and her right to not accept money when she believes she does not need it. Especially when that money comes with emotional blackmail, as it usually happens with family. Yes, it is better to have parents giving you money than having none at all. But it you have the choice, it is better to have parents who respect you as an independent person and do not belittle you by implying you would not be able to survive without their money.

Startail Mon 25-Mar-13 23:57:37

I think, however you tell your parents to stop they will take offence and if you take the money they will continue petty controlling behaviours.

What ever you do with the money and however nice it is it have a safety net, it is not nice to be babied. As long as you take the money that will happen.

Also as long as you get given money you risk ruining your relationships with your siblings.

The only thing I can think of is do you have a sibling or aunt or uncle who your parents will listen to, who can explain you really feel wrong taking charity.

It's chickening out in one way, but if they've decided you can't look after yourself your going to have real trouble getting them to listen.

HollaAtMeBaby Tue 26-Mar-13 09:40:40

YANBU. I have a similar situation. It makes me miserable that my parents still don't have faith in me to survive unsupported. Have managed to deflect most of the donations by telling them that whenever they feel the urge to give me money they should stick it in a bank account to go towards private school fees for my (unborn) DCs...

KellyElly Tue 26-Mar-13 11:28:40

I don't mean to sound harsh but I would LOVE to be in your position. I'm a lone parent and am fucked financially. Better off to have the problem of too much help than none. I am really struggling to feel sorry for your situation. Give it to charity and it may go to people who need/appreciate it.

DontmindifIdo Tue 26-Mar-13 11:49:45

thing is with the people on this thread syaing they'd love this are missing is they need the help, the OP doesn't. Help you dont' need or want isn't a help, particularly as it often comes with a view they have 'bought' a right to comment on your life. If you welcome someone giving you money and accept the 'price' you pay for their financial support (or childcare support as often is the case with grandparents) is that they have a right to dictate how you live your life or even feel they can just pass judgement/ask questions - is one you have to accept. If you don't want the help, then by forcing the money on you they are forcing you to accept the 'price' of it without givingyou a chance to reject it.

I would suggest a few stages in this, firstly, can you talk to your siblings, tell them what's happening and that while you needed some help to start with, it's not needed now, they are being patronising with you and you are stopping visiting as you can't stand it. Perhaps if one of your siblings sat down with your parents and told them they are risking you cutting them out as it's the only way to get them to stop, they might stop. It also might help reduce the stress between siblings if they think you are ripping of your parents.

Next I'd talk to your dad when sober, go for a walk with him if your DM will look after DD while you're next there. Say that you were upset about what he said to you last time, that you are following his example and building a business, and it's now making enough money to keep you and your DD - you'd like him to be proud of you that you've been able to do this, but by always forcing money on you and belittling what you've achieved, he's acting like he thinks you are one of those feckless mothers the Daily Mail slags off, not a woman who's got out there and sorted her own life out.

Tell him again, you're finding him giving you money all the time hard, you are ok on a day to day basis. If you need anything big, or if you have a problem with your clients, you are glad you know you can come to him and ask, but for now, you'd rather they stopped giving you money. Say it's not a help because it makes you feel like they don't believe in you and aren't on your side.

My dad also had to be told to stop giving us money, he still does for DS - he collects pound coins, but he knows it goes in DS's account, not for food/bills. It's rediculous, we have more coming in each month than them now, but like your's, my parents were in a mess financially when we were babies, they still think of the hardest part about having babies/toddlers is the cost.

DontmindifIdo Tue 26-Mar-13 11:54:42

sorry, that should read;

It also might help reduce the stress between siblings if they think currently think you are ripping of your parents, to know that you don't want this money.

MansView Tue 26-Mar-13 15:03:48

lucky you...

when I left hone at ~20 years old (early 40s now) - I got no advice and financial help from my parents at all...the only thing got (apart from birthdays etc) were some tatty old blankets, towels, and kitchen utensils (well, my mam was going to throw them out)... oh, and a really out of date chicken kiev - as my mum was on a diet...

BarbarianMum Tue 26-Mar-13 15:57:36

Do you have a will, life insurance, critical illness cover, a few thousand in the bank?

If the answer to any of these is 'no' then take the money and use it for them. This will give you and your daughter long-term financial stability.

If you have all these things, or once you have these things, then you are right - you don't need help. That doesn't mean you can't take it if you want to, but equally, say no to it.

I can exactly understand how their actions (however loving) are belittling and possible controlling (as well as annoying) but please secure your finances before taking a stand.

yes, your parents are trying to be controlling, and thanks to your dad's tipsy comments, not even hiding it very well.

But I agree, put the money in a bank account.

that way, if your dad ever makes nasty comments like that again, you can offer him it back.

if he doesn't, then your DD has a nice little nestegg.

DontmindifIdo Tue 26-Mar-13 16:23:56

something that's worth remembering as well - they know they are trampling all over your feelings, what your Dad said couldn't be interpreted as anything other than having a bit of a go at you/looking down on you. So don't feel you have to worry about theirs to the extent you can't talk to them about it. Be polite, but remember they are not being very polite to you.

stressyBessy22 Tue 26-Mar-13 16:28:05

would they consider adopting me?

Pigsmummy Tue 26-Mar-13 16:41:01

I am available for adoption if your parents are interested, I can provide references and have a cat and DD that they lavish their lovely money on.

Seriously just stick the money into an account for holidays or when your DD is older. Also think about what you can do for your parents in return, you then don't have to be in the position of always taking, days out, cleaning (for free), make cakes, cook dinner, offeer lifts to the airport etc etc whatever it is. Also do consider that when they pass away a huge chunk of their estate will go to the taxman, so enjoy it now, together as a happy family.

EldritchCleavage Tue 26-Mar-13 16:52:25

Actually, I would stick the money in an account for your parents, and tell them and your siblings that this is what you are doing. Say you regard the money as held on trust. They are dicing with disaster if they don't keep any savings and are burning through their income, so this way you get to do them a favour and a assert your independence at the same time.

MumfordandDaughter Tue 26-Mar-13 20:45:56

I appreciate all the advice, and i understand what you're saying about just taking it and saving it etc - but i don't want to. I can't properly explain how it makes me feel, but each time they give me money, it makes me feel really... low. Like a charity case. As if they pity me and think i can't look after my own child without them.

Even if i intended to save all the money up for them - i don't want to. That's not my responsibility. It's theirs. I realise this is a very 'nice' problem to have, and i also realise how lucky i am, but i don't want their money or monetary gestures anymore. It's starting to really affect my relationship with my parents.

My mum's just called to say she's coming for a visit tomorrow evening. Hopefully i'll have 'the talk' with them again, and this time it will be successful.

DontmindifIdo Tue 26-Mar-13 20:47:17

I think when she comes over, when she arrives say "by the way, I don't want or need any money from you, so can we get that out of the way right now? I don't want to have an argument with you about it."

MumfordandDaughter Tue 26-Mar-13 20:49:30

Argh! Mum's just called again. I had asked her to pick up some white socks for dd while she's at the shopping centre, as dd's class are making sock puppets on Thursday.

My mum's just said she's picked up a lovely pair from X (a very expensive baby wear shop!). I am furious. I told her they're just going to get cut up and covered in glue, and she said, 'It's okay, i don't want you to pay me back for them. It's on me.'

Seriously, what is the point of that?! Now, I'm going to feel really guilty sending dd into school with these socks (they cost £10) knowing she's just going to chop them up.

MumfordandDaughter Tue 26-Mar-13 20:52:39

Thanks, Don'tmind. I think that's what I'm going to have to do, otherwise it will be playing on my mind during the whole visit. No doubt, they'll think I'm being presumptious, pretend they weren't going to give me money anyway, and then somehow sneak it somewhere i don't notice, and then text me once they leave, "By the way, Dad's left some money in the kitchen for you."

They've done it before. And whenever i send dd down to theirs for a few hours, she gets sent back with money hidden in her coat pocket/backpack. I then get a similar text as i've posted above.

crashdoll Tue 26-Mar-13 20:57:29

I don't think they are being controlling. Take the money, put it in a savings account for DD.

MumfordandDaughter Tue 26-Mar-13 21:08:17

To be honest, before my dad's drunken ramblings that Sunday, I would have (although not happily) continued to take the money and save it for emergencies/dd just to keep the peace.

But now knowing that he thinks i don't have a 'proper job' (I have at least two customers a day), and that he thinks i expect his money each week, it's made me feel quite sick at the thought of accepting another penny from him.

Ah, i'm just getting myself wound up now. I'll wait and see how the visit with my mum goes tomorrow before i completely lose it.

EldritchCleavage Tue 26-Mar-13 21:25:11

Well, I can understand your position. They need to have a bit more respect for you as an independent adult. And a mother doing her best. If they don't listen, a period without contact to get them to consider may be best. Would any of your siblings be able to talk to them for you, get them to see sense?

Yfronts Tue 26-Mar-13 21:38:16

Stop complaining and stick it in an account for your kids future.

LetMeAtTheWine Wed 27-Mar-13 04:39:26

Have you spoken to any of your siblings about it? Would your parents listen to them?

DontmindifIdo Wed 27-Mar-13 09:46:36

Then you need to tackle this - talk to your Dad one to one and say how he's made you feel and that you now will consider any money given that you haven't asked for as an insult.

And definately talk to your siblings, can you call one before your parents come over and discuss it? It might not cause a rift if your siblings see it as your parents helping out the one who needs help, but if they get to realise you don't need help, that's then resentment creeps in.

Flisspaps Wed 27-Mar-13 09:56:03

I'd post the money back through their letterbox.

Every single time. Don't put it in an account - you're still accepting it if you do that. If DD were to use it for a car or Uni, she'd then be told that they'd paid for it because you didn't get a 'proper job' when she was little.

And the fancy socks, send them in for cutting up. Don't feel guilty.

Have the chat. But in reality I think you will end up having to physically give it back to them. Gather it up and pop it in an envelope through their door once a week, little note: "oops, you left this at my house by mistake!" or "Treat yourself to a lovely night out, it's on me".

If you are really, really persistant about not allowing them to force you to take the money they will eventually get the message.

A tiny side note: will your circumstances change when Universal credit comes in, or are you all covered on that front?

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