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To think that my DH is a selfish fucking shit head?

(83 Posts)
WiltedSpinach Mon 25-Mar-13 14:56:28

I withdrew an application for a less stressful job today as on Friday DH said he would be a SAHD so I could carry on doing the job that I have. (He's currently unemployed.) I was going for the other job as I have MH issues and I couldn't cope with doing the running around after the children AND my current role, but I've been managing really well since he has been at home as I can do my job so long as I'm not doing the rest.

As this was all decided, I withdrew my application this morning, happy that I can carry on doing my job with his support.

He's just called me to tell me he's accepted a job and will start on Tuesday and its an early start in the opposite direction to where we live and where the kids go to school and nursery, so I'll have to go back to running around after the children and getting them out in the morning and home and fed in the evening. Its not even a great job, its fucking warehouse work earning only just over fucking minimum wage and he didn't even ask me first, he said yes and then called me with a fait accomplis.

I am angry and really upset in equal measure. If he had said he was going to take a job as soon as it was offered, there is no way I would have withdrawn my application, but he PROMISED. He fucking well PROMISED me he would stay at home and support me.

I don't actually give a shit if you think I'm being U for calling him a selfish fucking shit head, because he fucking well is.

BOEUF Mon 25-Mar-13 15:02:31

He needs to tell them he has reconsidered. Ridiculous.

Tallyra Mon 25-Mar-13 15:08:53

YANBU. He sounds like a selfish idiot.

What on earth was he thinking? Really, what was his logic?

DoJo Mon 25-Mar-13 15:16:49

That sounds incredibly frustrating and YANBU, but you do need to work out where to go from here. What is the likely response from him if you insist that he doesn't take the job? Could this job lead to a better one for him which would allow you to hire help or even stay at home?

SoftKittyWarmKitty Mon 25-Mar-13 15:17:07

You're right, he's a selfish shithead. He must have known his job was a possibility before you withdrew your application. Why the fuck didn't he discuss it first?! Tbh I think this smacks of control (his, over you).

Can you put your application back in again?

My DH is a SAHD at the moment.

I would fucking kill him if he did this. He wouldn't though, because he's not an imbecile.

YANBU. At all. He needs to call them and tell them he cannot accept. Unless he is suggesting you quit your job and be the SAHP? (Not that I think this is acceptable BTW!)

Why cant HE do the running around with the kids in the evening and help out?

If you both work, you need to split the rest 50 /50 Clearly he will understand that?

He planned this did he not? He did not want you to take a less stressful job with less pay probably...

Now you just have to become a sahm and HE will have to support your family financially, or what?

Ask him if that is what he planned?

CherylTrole Mon 25-Mar-13 15:23:59

YADNBU Seems he has changed his mind about being a SAHD. You really dont need this stress, feel for you OP.

StuntGirl Mon 25-Mar-13 15:39:41

You're quite right OP, he's a selfish shit head. He must have known this job was a possibility, or that he would snap up a job the minute it came up. So why on earth did he promise you he would become a SAHD? He needs to explain himself to you. I would be furious, not at his decision neccessarily, but at the lack of discussion and courtesy of keeping you in the loop.

Carolra Mon 25-Mar-13 15:40:02

In total agreement. You are not being unreasonable. Ask him what childcare arrangements he's made as you won't be there to do the nursery/school run either.

WiltedSpinach Mon 25-Mar-13 15:40:34

No, I can't put the application back in, its too late. The closing date was this morning and they won't accept it. I can't become a SAHM either. I earn enough to support the family without him working. He doesn't. Even if we moved / downsized / sold all our worldly posessions, he wouldn't earn enough to fucking well support us.

Why can't he do the running around in the evenings? Because we only have one fucking car as my insurance is criminal as I am on a temporary license due to my illness, so unless he's going to cycle 10 miles from where he works and somehow pick up the kids on his bike he can't do the pick up and drop off.

Why? Why fucking well do this? He promised me, he fucking well PROMISED me that he would do the childcare. That was the whole fucking reason I withdrew my application.

Now I'm say in work, in tears again because just the thought of it going back to how it was is giving my an anxiety attack.

WOW what a waste of space shock

What on earth are you doing with someone who's so careless & selfish? It sounds like it's making you feel like shit!

yes, he promised you.

He also bullshitted you...

Altinkum Mon 25-Mar-13 15:48:26

Can't you get a childminder say for a few days so your not doing it all, and do breakfast club etc...

He promised so he has to. Isn't that how it works? Or, is it his way or no way? It does sound abusive, sorry. If you said, "no, you promised to be the SAHP, you can't take the job" what would be the reaction?

WiltedSpinach Mon 25-Mar-13 15:54:56

The eldest has before and after school care and the youngest does nursery from 8:30-5. Still need to pick them up.

I don't think its abusive. I think he's just a shit head.

I should have known as before I got ill and was struggling, I'd asked him if he'd become a SAHD as he hated his job. Then he said he'd rather work as he didn't want to do the kids thing.

This time HE suggested it, not me, so I thought he actually meant it. Then first sniff at a job and he's off. His reasoning is that he's being taken on as a temp, with the prospect of FT work. How Bloody marvellous for him.

Didn't want to do the kids thing hmm

Why did he change his mind...(then change back).
Was it lip service?

How has he reasoned the fact he didn't ask you or let you know before you cancelled your application?

You're ill, having anxiety attacks, you dread work, you want to downsize and found a way to do it. Your 'D'H suggests that he will take some of the burden and for you to stay in your job. The moment you agree and burn your bridges, he backtracks and magically pulls a job out of his arse. You are expected to go along with this (I have no idea why you can't just say, "no, you promised").

It neighs and has a mane, I hear horses (abuse). If you want to call it a zebra, it's your life and you know best. Your DH is controlling your actions like this, causing you physical symptoms and breaking promises, knowing you are ill.

I can see why he's want to take it if he doesn't like the idea of being a SAHD but

a.) Don't offer in the first place...

B.) Tell your bloody DW before grabbing it, especially as you know she's retracted a bloody application for you, you inconsiderate twunt

Sorry but I'm [anrgy] on your behalf!

What mrs t said ^

It reeks of power play, especially as you're ill.

* angry - So angry that I couldn't type properly grin

I am with MrsT here.

The horses neigh loud and clear. Now cows or giant pandas around that I can see.

morethanpotatoprints Mon 25-Mar-13 16:11:57

Tell him he was mad to accept the job as no way will he manage to do all the family stuff, get them to school and be on time. Suggest he reconsiders as not fair on dc. Then see what his reaction is.

I bet your MH issue would improve if you threw him out. Living with a man who either puts himself first all the time because he simply can't be bothered to consider your wellbeing is hard, living with a man who gets a hardon from creating more stress for you because it's so funny to see you panic and cry is even harder.

DropIceCubesDownTheVestOfFear Mon 25-Mar-13 16:13:10

He sounds utterly useless and a liar. Doesn't pull his weight round the house, look after his own children, OR earn any/decent money? I'm guessing you'd be better off without him. Tell him.

What SolidGold said.

DropIceCubesDownTheVestOfFear Mon 25-Mar-13 16:14:01

And yes, what SolidGold said.

JamieandtheMagicTorch Mon 25-Mar-13 16:16:49

Yes, he is indeed behaving like a turd

Awomansworth Mon 25-Mar-13 16:18:31

You said in your OP that you barely earn more than min wage... so I'm cofused as to how this new job DH accepted would not support your family if your wage does.

Tallyra Mon 25-Mar-13 16:19:21

She said that he barely earns min wage, and she earns much more.

SadGiantPanda Mon 25-Mar-13 16:19:39

Now cows or giant pandas around that I can see.

I am around (ahem), but I agree with you here - looks more like a horse. sad

The way he did it, it sounds very calculated. What's your relationship like otherwise?

Icelollycraving Mon 25-Mar-13 16:21:22

He obvs didn't actually want to be a sahd. Not all parents want to be at home.
He should have discussed it. Could you pay a childminder to do the wrap around care?
Your husband is indeed a fucking shit head.

Ask him how he is going to meet the childcare obligations he has already agreed to take on.

He is an arse.

what disturbed me about it is that he knew you'd retracted your application, you're a little unwell (and it's common knowledge that someone suffering with anxiety is not going to take well to a stunt like that), and he sounds like he doesn't care at all about going back on his promise.

WiltedSpinach Mon 25-Mar-13 16:25:13

Oy vey! Only MN could change my DH acting like a twat about this into abuse.

Yes I am seriously SERIOUSLY pissed off with him like you wouldn't believe and when I get home we're going to have serious words that may involve the words "Selfish" and "Fucker" and will leave him in no doubt about how I feel about this.

living with a man who gets a hardon from creating more stress for you because it's so funny to see you panic and cry is even harder

Where on earth have I said that he thought it was funny and its made him happy to upset me?

Being selfish and thoughtless yes, abusive no.

Well, this has cheered me up considerably. Yes, I am not unreasonable to think he's a selfish fucking shit head for taking the job as he's been incredibly thoughtless and we can talk about it when I get home. Yes my MH problems mean that I react badly to anything that throws me out of kilter at the moment. However, you are completely bonkers if you think this is a sign of someone who gets off on upsetting me.

Also, if my partner was suffering with anxiety I'd have done the bloody opposite, as would most decent people.

It's sounds like he's a getting a kick from this hmm

LineRunnyEgg Mon 25-Mar-13 16:26:00

Yes, your husband is being a knob.

I would explore / advertise for a wrap-around childminder anyway, as you are going to need one.

badguider Mon 25-Mar-13 16:27:26

Tell him he CAN'T take the job. He just can't. He needs to do 6mnths minimum at home before you review the situation. Or at least until another opportunity like the one you just withdrew from comes along again.

badguider Mon 25-Mar-13 16:29:02

OR he needs to earn enough for a nanny or childminder who will do the drop offs / pick ups.

DropIceCubesDownTheVestOfFear Mon 25-Mar-13 16:29:16

But OP it sounds like he's done this is full knowledge of the effect it would have on you - he knows you're struggling, he knew you'd withdrawn your application for a new job, he KNEW he'd offered to be a SAHD... It's not just 'thoughtlessness' or selfishness if he does it in full knowledge of the effect his actions will have, it's intentional.

2kidsintow Mon 25-Mar-13 16:31:00

Does his early start mean that he is available for after school?
My DH has always started work before 8, so we have a childminder. I get them there in the morning. He picks them up in the afternoon after they've been there for an hour.

That way, I suit my morning routine to my own needs and he's not there. At first I missed his help, now I'm glad I get to do things my way. And he always leaves the kids lunchboxes made for when I get down to give them breakfast and pack their bags. It helps.

Then he picks them up, so I can do my day's work and the prep/marking/meetings etc at the end of the day (I'm a teacher) without worrying about it. And because he's the one to pick them up, very often he gives them tea too.

I think you need to lay your cards out. You need a new arrangement from the start if you are both now working.

And good luck for another lower-stress job to come along to apply for.

DropIceCubesDownTheVestOfFear Mon 25-Mar-13 16:32:00

How long has he been unemployed? How was he not doing all the running around after the children in that time?

It just does not look good written down OP

BoulevardOfBrokenSleep Mon 25-Mar-13 16:36:57

But he looked you in the eye and lied to you, to stop you doing something that would massively help your stress levels and, presumably, MH.

Who the hell thinks that's an OK thing to do to someone you supposedly love?

afussyphase Mon 25-Mar-13 16:37:44

Perhaps get an au pair, which his wages should be able to pay for? Or other options like finding a childminder who's flexible about pickup or even an 8-6pm nursery instead of 8-5? By the way, YANBU.

he barely earns minimum wage...so that's not gonna happen

OhLori Mon 25-Mar-13 16:42:01

To call someone that ... all respect has gone.

TheSecondComing Mon 25-Mar-13 16:42:03

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LazyMonkeyButler Mon 25-Mar-13 16:44:17

I would also be saying something along the lines of "oh, that's great - how will you be managing the DCs' drop-offs & pick-ups though, won't they clash with work?".

It is very selfish, it's the age old assumption that childcare is the mother's responsibility &, although it's fine for a dad to help out when convenient to him, the moment he gets a better offer it's left for mum to organise again without a second thought. I'm not for a minute suggesting that all households work like that, but sadly very many I know do! Even when mum in the main wage earner.

Very selfish & I would be absolutely furious too! Have some wine.

DropIceCubesDownTheVestOfFear Mon 25-Mar-13 16:44:40

OP I have to apologise for my last question, I've just noticed you say in your OP that he has been pulling his weight while unemployed. Sorry!

LazyMonkeyButler Mon 25-Mar-13 16:45:03

is not in.

ArteggsMonkey Mon 25-Mar-13 16:46:41

Oh man. That is very very selfish of him. He needs to retract his acceptance. If he finds "the kids thing" hard with nothing else going on, how does he expect you to cope with it on top of MH problems and a stressful job?

LetMeAtTheWine Mon 25-Mar-13 16:48:32

Is there any chance you could reduce your hours at work if he is going to be bringing in some money?

I agree he has been a selfish twat and hope you do play merry hell with him when you see him tonight. I am also with you on not understanding why people think he 'gets off' on this (or however it was phrased).

it's hard to see why else he'd do something like that...that's why.

I hope for the ops sake it was just pure utter carelessness & selfishness (though I'd still be tempted to practically LTB for costing me a job & causing me more pain at a time like that)

JamieandtheMagicTorch Mon 25-Mar-13 17:01:24

Arteggs

Yes, it's inherently self centred and thoughtless

Totallybagree with LazyMOnkeyBUtler as well

JamieandtheMagicTorch Mon 25-Mar-13 17:02:17

Great ipad typing there grin

i think in the absence of any other evidence, it's fucking selfish, rather than abusive.

and to that end, you have to sit down with him and tell him that he cannot take the job, and if he does, knowing full well how stressed and unwell you are, working and having to do more childcare than he does (and that his job will not cover all your expenditure), that you will have to rethink what's best for your marriage.
and that he must think of the family, including you, not himself, and that any decisions that are made must be made together.
the job he's accepted is not suitable for your needs as a family, and he has agreed ([promised) to be a SAHD for the foreseeable future. he has to stick by his promise until he can get a job that can pay towards the extra money required for a childminder.

fuzzpig Mon 25-Mar-13 17:16:57

Totally disgusting behaviour. Not the behaviour of a dedicated family man at all. To be honest I don't think I'd want him in charge of my DCs if he clearly doesn't want to do the whole 'kids thing'.

I thought selfish and thoughtless rather than abusive. Interesting timing though, that he doesn't get a job until you've done what he wants and turned down the less stressful work hmm - is it something he particularly didn't want you to do?

Apologies if I missed you saying otherwise but it is very dishonest to have hidden the fact he was looking for work.

Love the fact that it's fine for you to be stressed up to the eyeballs with childcare you are a woman after all but oh no he is far too good for SAH. Twat.

BOEUF Mon 25-Mar-13 17:29:25

I imagine that he has probably thought that having the kids is hard going, and getting a job is his Get Out Of Jail Free card, while completely forgetting that it isn't just pixies who pick up the slack, but YOU. And that you can't do that in your current job. Is he usually a bit dim?

catsmother Mon 25-Mar-13 18:01:06

I'm really sorry you're going through this Wilted - believe me, I know exactly how it feels to be stuck in a stressful job that's making you ill and trying to keep everything going at the same time. I don't know what your MH issues are (and am not asking) but, for example, if the stress was causing you extreme anxiety and/or sleepless nights then you must have felt as if some of the weight had been lifted from you once you'd discussed this plan of action to help alleviate some of the stress.

And now that's gone.

I obviously don't know your DH but it does seem to me as if something other than mere thoughtlessness prompted him to do what he did and that was break a promise to you without any prior warning or discussion, which basically dumped you back in the shit you were so desperate to escape from. Thing is, thoughtlessness, to me, is when you do something - maybe on the spur of the moment, maybe 'cos you're caught up in excitement - without pausing to think through all the implications that decision might have upon other people. You don't mean any deliberate harm - you've just got carried away, and hadn't thought. Maybe even there were consequences to your decision that you wouldn't have thought of unless someone else informed you.

But this ..... he knew what the deal was for you. He knew you're currently finding everything too stressful to cope with without it impacting upon your mental health. He knew he'd made you a promise. He knew that you could only continue in your current stressful role if he supported you by being at home. So - what he did wasn't thoughtless because he'd already been fully aware of the bigger picture before he acted.

I don't know what prompted him to do what he did I really don't. Yes, selfishness at the very least. Do what he wants and sod the effect on you. Have you actually had any sort of explanation and justification from him yet ? I just can't understand why a supposedly loving partner would jeopardise their partner's MH unless they'd already found solutions for the tasks which their partner was finding too much. If he does have the answer to that then great but if he's expecting you to pick up the pieces and then metaphorically fall to pieces in the process then that's appalling.

Arse arse arse arse arse.

I completely missed that you had withdrew (withdrawn?) your application, so much going on lately.. sad

RedHelenB Mon 25-Mar-13 18:27:11

Right , well I'd be tempted to tell him you've unilaterally decided to jack your job in!

Snuppeline Mon 25-Mar-13 18:34:29

I would do as some of the others have suggested in asking him how he plans to organise the children's school/nursery runs twice a day. Just let him know that he can take any job he likes so long as he keeps to his promise of taking that load off you. You should also let him know that working full time does not mean he can step out of household chores and that he must be the one to stay at home when the children are I'll. Then you can tell him you support him in doing this job if its what he really wants.

Try to be a bit crafty here. He promised, by promising to be a SAHD to take the load of children/house off you. He has now chosen to seek work, that does not mean he can opt out of the promise he made to you abour the offloading. So ask him how he plans to sort out children and the blow up in his face if he dares to suggest that you do those things again.

I agree with th poster who said men always do what they want work-wise and expect the women to sort everything out around them - that's my experience anyway sad

WiltedSpinach Mon 25-Mar-13 18:35:03

grin @ a bit dim.

Well I'm home and we've Talked. He remembers the conversation being that he'd do the childcare if nothing turned up in the next few weeks, not it being set in stone. He thought it would take some of the pressure off if he was earning too and has spoken to childcare about having kids earlier / later so I don't have to do all of the running around, even though it means doing a big round trip.

So perhaps I was a bit harsh calling him a selfish shit head after all. More things to discuss when the kids are in bed. But not an abusive bastard. Who knew. hmm

AnastasiaBieverhausen Mon 25-Mar-13 18:36:05

<calls off hitmen>

<phew>

Tailtwister Mon 25-Mar-13 18:44:02

From what I've read, he's completely out of order. He agreed he would be at home so you could be the major wage earner. He will need to quit.

Tailtwister Mon 25-Mar-13 18:44:59

Oh, sorry OP. Just read your recent post. Hope you manage to sort things out.

Good.

I love to be proven wrong in these kinds of cases! grin

ChippingInIsEggceptional Mon 25-Mar-13 18:45:30

Definitely don't jack your job in - when you live with a selfish, stupid, fucking twat you need to be able to earn a good wage yourself if you can.

He is being beyond selfish, thoughtless & stupid. Doesn't he care about you as a person at all? Why would he put you in this situation?

I would simply ask him how he plans on doing the childcare now because, as you have explained to him, you can't do it & he agreed to do it. Let it be his problem how it gets done. Stupid fucking wanker.

Glad to hear that he has at least thought about the practical issues and isn't expecting you to pick up the pieces.

<<removes MrWiltedSpinach from blacklist>>

He's sounding slightly less of a twunt. However, actions not words...

WiltedSpinach Mon 25-Mar-13 18:50:36

I'm still a bit pissed about him taking it without talking to me first, and I'm sure that the convo we had about him staying home is somewhere in between our two recollections, but we'll just have to see how it goes.

ChippingInIsEggceptional Mon 25-Mar-13 18:50:51

x-post

Make sure that when you talk later you don't agree to do more than you can comfortably do and if you still feel that the only was it will physically work out it's going to be too much for you then tell him that it's not going to work, you'd rather he was looking after the kids than working minimum wage (that you don't totally need) and perhaps discuss the kind of job/hours he could do that would work for you all as a family and ask him to look for a job that fits that criteria - OR say you'll give it a months trial but that it's HIS job that will have to go if it doesn't work out.

Also, it sounds a bit like he's worked out what to say to you to make you less angry, as surely he would KNOW that he'd agreed to do the childcare or you wouldn't have withdrawn your application for the other job hmm

Oh, and all the hmm faces OP... That's great in your situation but in a lot of situations where a partner does something in full knowledge that the other partner's MH will be affected and does it with timing to remove options from that partner, yes, it would be abusive.

Maybe not in your case but the hmm faces are a bit rich, frankly. Just trying to help you and all that.

Bogeyface Mon 25-Mar-13 18:59:21

BIt late but, I would not have assumed that things were going back the way they were but asked "how are you going to do the school runs with this job as you said you would?"

Just make sure that he keeps his side of the bargain and that it doesnt slide back into you doing everything after a few mornings of "I am running late, could you take the kids today......."

LineRunnyEgg Mon 25-Mar-13 19:03:21

OP
and [he] has spoken to childcare about having kids earlier / later so I don't have to do all of the running around, even though it means doing a big round trip

But that's exactly what you said was fucking you off in your original post.

WiltedSpinach Mon 25-Mar-13 19:57:27

Och, one wee humphy face MrsTP and it was at some of the more outrageous comments that were made. I know everyone posted with the best intentions though.

LineRunny - when I was posting I assumed he was going to leave me to do all of the picking up and dropping off while he rode to work and back. What he's arranged is that on some days he'll do the massive round trip to take the kids to childcare earlier and pick them up later so I'm not doing it every day.

It's still going to be hard and it may not work out, but we'll give it a go. I still wish I'd not withdrawn my application and I'm still a bit hacked off about that, but trying to work out some kind of compromise for the situation we're now in is better than staying pissed off.

I had a giant grade A killer rant. It turns out he wasn't as much of a twat that I thought he was. I'm usually excessively reasonable. Today, not so much.

RubySparks Mon 25-Mar-13 20:04:06

Hi wilted - I was following your other thread (namechanged since then) about trying to decide whether to go for the less stressful job! Sorry it looks like that didn't work out this time- might there be other chances to move post? Or is part-time any more possible now? I'm still trying to decide what to do, got some time off over Easter so I'm going to think through my options... MyDH will find out soon if he finishes at end May or if there may be another year's funding so that may influence me. I also have a course that I could possibly return to in September... But that would mean not working or taking leave of absence. I just heard about a big re-org at work today too, no idea what that means for me yet, rumour is management layers being reduced by redeploying them elsewhere! So I think things may have changed here in a month or two but might not be in a good way! Hope your job situation gets better for you.

I'll forgive you but only because I'm stealing your humphy face expression. I make enough of them, they should have a name. Glad DH is being less of a wanker. Keep him to the agreement.

Apileofballyhoo Tue 26-Mar-13 00:51:54

Seems like the DCs will end up in a lot more childcare, how does this compare to the minimum wage DH will be earning? Just seems impractical to me when it's likely OP and DCs would have easier life if DH stayed at home.

pigletpower Tue 26-Mar-13 22:35:44

So how do you 'remember the conversation'? Are you sure you're not being gaslighted? If you feel ok about this then fine.Rang bells for me though.

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