To be upset at a silly comment on fb(250 Posts)
Cut a long story short DH is in New Zealand for his sisters wedding, it's really hot there, I have SAD, love sunshine and I posted pics on fb for him to see the snow my SIL said ' and today in NZ it will be scorchio' I commented 'thanks I feel so much better now' I just think she's really insensitive. My DH said she's not and if I carry on I'll make him have a shit time.
You are being very over sensitive tbh. It's a glib comment
Sorry, but I think you're being over sensitive. I feel for you, this weather is really atrocious. I'd give a lot for some sun right now.
Maybe she likes snow and you pissed her off?
Seriously though, why didn't you go?
Just a fun comment IMO, but I imagine you are sensitive as stuck at home while he is on hols.
Tell him to ave fun, book some sun bed sessions for a few mins, book lunch with some friends and buy yourself something nice!
Sorry you're feeling so bad but yes, you are being over sensitive and unreasonable.
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
he got his way in the end? Yeah, it would make me feel as though she
was rubbing it in... 'if you carry on'? Nice. I'd ignore him for the
rest of his holiday.
Sorry, I think you are being a bit oversensitive. You're upset about a comment about the weather?
Are there other issues here?
Did you post about him goin a few months ago?
Sommat to do with him taking his mums place?
It doens't sound like it was meant as a jibe. WouldWhy couldn't you go? Could you take yourself off somewhere sunny for a few days or so over the Easter hols?
My parents are visiting my brother in Singapore at the moment, so I feel your pain BUT I think YABU as it is the kind of comment you would write without meaning any harm.
Hopefully the sun will shine here soon!!
YABU. The sunny side of the world doesn't have to shut up just because we're living in eternal grey at present. Sorry.
Though SAD is shit, it's not your SIL's fault.
However you feel, a positive spin on things is less of a bummer for everyone... so on FB, when you post a snowy picture, make the caption happy (even if you hate snow) if you're going to put one on at all.
Because any comment you put is inviting response.
If you put these pics on FB for your DH to see, you're misguided... you should have emailed them. If you post pics on FB your are publishing them to all your friends (and inviting comment).
I can't see your SIL's response as anything other than a happy bride to be who's not going to waste a thought for anyone 'bah-humbugging' about anything, and given that she's about to get married, I think she can be forgiven.
Sorry, I'm not in a great place at present (there's many many people who aren't) but I'm getting a bit fed up of all the FML statuses on FB...
Long story, as the flights were 1K each we knew we couldn't afford it. My M and FIL were going but then MIL decided not to so, FIL said he's pay for it had been DH. I was hurt me and my DD were not included. Even more upset that the ticket was business class and cost £3.5K so we could all have gone if it had been economy.
He's there now so I am fine with it but the snow has pissed me off and he's sunburned so I feel jealous of that, being as I am about the sun.
If you don't want people to comment on your photos, don't post them for the world to see.
YABU. Step away from Facebook if you can't cope with chit-chatty weather posts ffs.
This is ringing a bell....are you the poster who's DH was going to NZ in place of his parents at the last minute?
If so, I think your beef is with him, not the sister?
This is completely ott, of course NZ will have nicer weather than us back here in the Artic, sorry UK. You sound jealous.u
Just feeling a bit down that's all, and hurt by his comment, if you carry on...
So you're annoyed that its hot in the Southern hemisphere and she mentioned it on your snow photo?
This is mindblowing. Am I supposed to defriend people who put holiday photos on FB? What about the 20% of my FB friends who live overseas?
Get over yourself, its just climate.
Think of those poor goat-herders in the Sahara who get pissed off with my facebook photos of my sodden lawn.
What comment of his are you hurt by? I thought it was your SIL?
Given the history, your DH will know even more won't he? He'll know you're not happy with him going in the first place etc etc., therefore this isn't the first 'negative' comment he's heard (even though I vaguely remember that YWNBU to have been upset initially.
From his PoV it's just another example of you voicing your unhappiness at the situation. Hence the 'if you carry on' comment (I suspect).
He's there now, if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all. It's not a bad motto to live by, especially when there's naff all you can do about it.
It would be a point to you, and you could feel rather smug, if you'd put "YAY SNOW!!"
I'm hurt as she knows I would like to be there, in the sun and also DH comment about I'll make him have a shit time, I doubt that very much...
I'm just being mardy, feeling fed up of the snow and feeling crap generally so i guess IABU...
Yes YABU, she was not in any way being insensitive.
Hang on... You're angry because its sunny in another country?? Just because your dh is there????
Its sunny in other countries too.. Not just nz
Here, have my first ever
Thanks twinkle, honoured I feel soooo much better
I'd be pissed off too but not with that comment at all but just the unfairness of the whole situation and I will admit I would probably be a bit sulky about it. I probably wouldn't be bothering to be in contact with him much at all to tell you the truth. Who cares what kind of time they're having, let them get on with it and do some fun things with dd.
Bizarre. I hope you are pleased the weather is nice for your sister in law's wedding.
Or would you rather it was shit for her special day?
Yeah, because people with depression just need to get over themselves, right? YABU OP, but you already know that and theres clearly a lot of people on MN without any experience dealing with/knowing a person with a mental disorder.
I wouldn't want it to be shit for her big day but I wouldn't have a whole lot of interest in it either. Why would you?
YABU but here's a as this weather (here) is pissing me right off, too.
Don't overanalyse the comment from your SIL. Make your mind up to do some nice things while you have the chance, as he's away (nothing dodgy, but YKWIM).
I'm not a bad person, I want them all to have a fab day, just sorry that we have been excluded from a family occasion when we should all be there in the SUNSHINE!
sorry you are feeling this way but you need to make the most of the situation and get yourself some "me " time and do something for youself while hes away, go out with friends. Lifes too short for worrying about this
Were you excluded or was it just you could only afford for DH?
Op, you sound really fed up with being left out, I don't blame you. Possibly the sister was being a bit mean and winding you up, but ignore it. It's an 'old' family get-together, it doesn't mean you're undervalued, just they're having sibling and parent time which is precious.
It's hard for you to be left behind but try to see it positively for them, not anti-you.
I think the negative comments here are because of the FB thing, facebook is horrible!
So why didn't they opt for the economy tickets so you could all go? In those circumstances I'd be pissed off at them rubbing my nose in it via a glib FB comment too, tbh.
I can't believe the selfish prick went anyway tbh.
Did he take all your savings or will you and the dc actually get to do something this year?
Well I think we were, the price of 1 bus class ticket could have paid for all of us FIL didn't offer to pay for me and DD....that's ok good of him to pay for DH but he did want him to go with him in MIL place
Wow OP you seem to be getting a rough time on here.
I understand where you are coming from - you are stuck in the cold holding the baby whilst your DH is having a sunny holiday with his sis and dad which you couldn't go on for financial reasons...the business class is salt in the wound.
The SIL comment in those circs is a bit snide - your husband 'being made to feel guilty' comment also crap given that he didn't hesitate in going without you.
So you are not unreasonable to feel a bit sorry for yourself but you really need to stop punishing yourself further. Get some hot choc/watch a dvd /toast some crumpets /make a snowman because at the end of the day you didn't stop DH from going and therefore you need to deal with fact he went and try not to brood. Resentment whilst understandable isn't helpful
bit like my post
I would be expecting a decent pressie mind!
I can understand you feeling left out and upset OP...particularly with the flight that was booked instead of economy (not sure why you're DH didn't suggest economy instead?).
But he's there now and he does have a point about you possibly spoiling it for him.
I'm just thinking that if you're like this over a facebook comment, are you also grouchy when he phones/texts you?
If so, it will spoil it for him.
There is a serious draught in NZ right now. To the extent the govt are looking to give financial aid to farmers, which is not routine practice there.
Your SIL's comment probably came from the same kind of frustration that you are feeling about the late snow.
Hey ENorma yes he did use our money for a new suit etc and of course spends of £500 what do you think if me and DD go on a holiday together which would cost about 1K (£500 each) later in the year. I showed DH the holiday and he said 'go if you want to' in a way which meant 'what without me?' and I felt bad now I'm kinda feeling I should book, not to get back at him but just something for us to look forward to cos right now with everything else going off in my life (shan't bore you with that but it's not good) I need something to look forward to..
So your FIL had booked tickets for him and MIL. MIL dropped out and FIL what...
a) amended MIL's ticket so DH could have it? or
b) wrote off the cost of MIL's ticket and then shelled out 3.5k to fly DH business class when he could have flown DH, you and your DD economy for the same price.
Which is it?
She might have been jealous of your snow. The heat can be very wearing and there is no escape from it sometimes. This week I had to go in the shower on fully dressed at my dds swimming lesson. Twice. Then I had to start the car and wait with the air con on, until the metal of the seat belts had cooled enough so I could touch it to strap my children in. It's not fun.
Book it! Why shouldn't you have a break?
Sargeant, you are of course right, we watched a movie today - din't have much choice as we're snowed in but I plan to do nice things over the easter hols with DD as he is there 3.5 weeks!
Op - i suspect there is more at work here than the weather. You aren't really pissed off with your SIL - you are really pissed off with your DH (which is understandable).
As for envying sunburn - that's just ridiculous. We live in Australia and have just spent a very worrying month waiting for the results of DHs biopsies - looking for melanoma (one of the deadliest cancers) - he's like a patchwork quilt. It's been extremely painful and nothing to be envious of!
I don't believe he went . I remember the other thread.
Did they manage to change the ticket name or pay out another huge amount of money for him to go business class and leave you at home?
It isn't the weather pissing you off (that would BU), it's the situation, and YANBU about that.
Wrong side...they wouldn't refund MIL ticket DH asked for economy but FIL wanted him in business with him so...rest is history
London...don't think I could do it as it looks like I'm being mean now
I think the op is allowed to 'carry on' a bit if she wants, it's her dp who's the insensitive one. He should be saying he'll make it up to her etc instead of acting all petulant and whining that he'll have a shit time if she brings him down. I don't know the back story but I'd be hopping mad if he accepted the ticket when it could've been exchanged for economy class for the whole family to go.
Right well now you've given the backstory it might seem like a neener-neener thumb on nose type comment.
But you're not going to feel any better about it by dwelling on the weather over there? It is what it is. How old are your DC? Are they old enough to do stuff in the snow that you might be able to enjoy that would take your mind off things?
Hi Maryz, strange how some folk remember my old thread!
Nor is it a criticism btw - had you put your foot down and told him not to go you would have been accused of being a complete harridan.
My DH attended a wedding alone as I couldn't take DD out of school (wedding was abroad): we had a really nice meal and trip to a warm swimming centre instead. It was fine.
My other half has just done business trips in Egypt and Saudi - nice meals sun clean sheets etc whilst pregnant diabetic me was stuck for two weeks at minus six with two kids.
Diff circs as more work than a jolly but the point is you can and do get fed up if you are the one sucking it up but playing the martyr even if you have been martyred(!) will not help your depression in the long term. Tea Crumpets Chocolate Heat magazine and Bubble baths and minimal contact means you will harbour less resentment and if you try and go out when he does get back you will have your own anecdotes and it won't all be about him...
I'd be pissed off with that. Did your DH ask your FIL if he'd consider paying for you all to go economy
Also where my parents lbe in NZ it's only about 14 degrees so hardly hot.
And if he's there for nearly a month by the time he gets back (assuming he's only just gone) it will be well into Autumn when he leaves and getting very chilly.
I agree being left behind isn't nice though.
some of the blunt, harsh 'totally oversensitive' type comments are
totally out of order. Posters who report depression don't receive
unsympathetic responses, SAD isn't pleasant or made up, you know.
I agree that you are being a bit OTT about her comment, and I can understand why your husband wants to nip it in the bud as he's obviously feeling a bit guilty about being away whilst you're stuck at home, and you moaning about trivial comments is probably making him feel worse.
So you posted some pics about the weather here, and she made a comment about the weather there.
You think that's insensitive?
What was she supposed to say?
I remember it skyblue, because they were so fecking mean.
For the price of business class tickets (not to mention re-buying a ticket when your mil couldn't go) they could have bought tickets for the whole family and you could all have had a lovely time.
They took a lot of trouble to leave you and dd out, which is very unfair.
But I agree that you should hide Facebook.
I would book yours and dds holiday in a heartbeat. I would probably be single by then anyway after all this carry on.
I can't get over how selfish your dh is tbh.
I can't see why the SIL said what she did other than to goad OP.
Think I might remove the pics...and probably lessen contact as it's making me feel worse, I was upset he said that to me about making his holiday shit. I mean he's there and I'm here!
I know if I book it he will be mad at me, but then I think well you have had some fun why not us?
Oh and have some
Would like to see all the negative posters 'home alone' being so bountiful and altruistic when it is their other halves away for nearly a month! Tis easier said than done.
Wishing you a pleasant Easter - at least you have access to the new Dr Who series! - am not in UK and relying on the kindness of strangers on tinternet.
Where are you thinking of going for £500 each?
Because with a budget of £1000, could you not go somewhere warm, the three of you?
Aw thanks Sergeant that's nice....
It's a minicruise, at £377 each, we could share a cabin so it's be around £800 really, I did price up for 3 but it would mean a different type of cabin and the price soared to £1300 so I wouldn't nor could we afford that plus spends.
I'd actually be booking a holiday for me and a friend and telling DH he needed to be around to look after DD!
wrongside, that made me laugh, she's 17 though so doesn't need much of that and she deserves a holiday too.
If he's away for another few weeks, could you book something last minute over the Easter hols, while he's still away?
It's not their fault it's snowing
It's not their fault you couldn't go to NZ
I't not their fault you suffer from SAD
It's not fair to ask people to pretend not to be happy because you are feeling miserable.
I understand that you do feel miserable and that the comment might upset you, it probably would me too but it's not within their power to improve the weather and lift your mood but it is within your power to not drag down their mood too when the situation is what it is.
Jammy, I'm not that spontaneous and have some health issues at the moment, nice idea though
Then yes, go on a minicruise.
After all, if she is 17 she is unlikely to want to go with you for much longer and she certainly won't want to share a cabin with you and her dad.
I would book it - or a city break, maybe if you wanted to spend a little less - and make the most of some mother-daughter time.
Waffly, it is their fault she couldn't go to NZ. That's the whole point.
Haha, sorry, I assumed she'd be younger for some reason!
Then for sure you should book it without him. FOR SURE! GO FOR IT!
I think it was a lovely thing of your FIL to do. You should be happy for them all.
Give yourself a talking too and enjoy your time with DD
It's not fair to ask people to pretend not to be happy because you are feeling miserable.
Would it really have been difficult for SIL not to rub salt in the wound with her comment? Did she really need to post it?
I think its a lot more than this tbh. You are probably hurt because of DH disregard for you and your feelings, and is being totally unsupportive.
Get it booked skyblue.
Iirc didn't he use all the money last year too so he could go to the Olympics?
Piglet....I think you have hit the nail on the head, he is disregarding my feelings and ENorma what an amazing memory you have, yes he did!
I think I feel bad to book it as it's against my nature and I know he won't like it but on the other hand he doesn't have any regard for me, he put himself first (again).
People keep asking me why didn't we go and my BF cannot believe how selfish he's been and that he actually went.
It wasn't a lovely thing Candy. He spent over £6000 on tickets, but insisted on one business ticket for the op's dh instead of three economy tickets - which would actually have been cheaper.
Maryz, I thought that too but didn't want to say it!
I think it's helpful to come on here, take the good with the bad but sometimes if you don't have many friends or people to bounce off it puts things into perspective and its interesting to see what their thoughts are....there are some nice people on here too!
I remember the thread skyblue, his actions are totally selfish and self centred, no wonder you are feeling hurt and trying to put a smiley face on. This did not seem like a mutual decision reached after some discussion but your dh stamping his feet and having a strop wanting to go.
I remember your previous thread, and agree with previous posters- there's a lot more to this than just being jealous of it being sunny in another country. IIRC, it's about DH repeatedly raiding your savings for holidays and trips that only he can go on, and you and DD are not invited. FWIW, your SIL probably didn't mean to be hurtful, but there's no need for your DH to get arsey with you- a comment along the lines of he's sorry you and DD couldn't be there would have been better.
You should book the holiday with DD- and if health issues allow, I think Jammy's right; it would be good to go while DH is away. From the way you've described him, I wouldn't put it past him to put pressure on you to cancel once he gets home, or to let him go instead.
skyblue although I think you could be accused of being a little sulky over the whole situation, I do not think YABU about feeling pissed off at the situation but what good is going to do to be pissed off with individuals?
YABU but I do feel for you and would probably feel the same as you... in fact I have done in the past for far less reason, like when my DH rang from his beach side apartment on his day off whilst working in Antiuga (or however you spell the bloody place, 10 years on I'm still irrationally annoyed that he even had one day to enjoy the place) so I'm not judging you as a 'bad person'.
You're simply being an unreasonable good one, who probably does 'deserve' a bloody lovely break, but really given the whole situation (and your solution - fly you all budget - that none of your family picked up on) you need to stop mentioning it to your DH all the time (because you will have made it quite clear you not happy) and go treat yourself... big time.
Re your SAD, invest in a sunlamp thing... get outside as much as possible too, and keep your chin up because summer IS on it's way despite the snow. x
YABU even though it is a rubbish situation for you.
Just have a good time whilst he is away, do things you usually can't and don't give him a hard time just because you're jealous.
Make a snow angel instead!
Thanks all.....I'm off to bed now and I shall sleep on booking that holiday for DD and I, selfish or not after the rubbish time I'm having I think it would help to have something positive to focus on for once. Will catch up tomorrow, thanks again!
If you didn't want your DH to go you really should have told him. If you only wanted him to go if you could all go the you should have told him that.
Do you think your DH told your FIL that you were unhappy and that you wanted to go?
skyblue11, YANBU at all. Yes, her comment may just be about the weather, but given the circumstances, I think she could be more sensitive to your feelings.
I really do sympathise, because, although my PIL have not spent that kind of money on my DH, they have,over the years managed to leave me out of a few family events. It is just so hurtful to do that to you, and knowing they could have spent the money on three tickets, but chose not to, would really upset me. And when your DH didn't stick up for you, it would make the situation much worse. His comment about you "carrying on",is also insensitive. He's concerned about having a "shit time", when frankly, I would think it would be you having a "shit time". Personally, I would stay away from facebook, and also ignore him while he was away.
Please do book the holiday for you and DD. You deserve it. Sounds like he has no qualms spending the family budget on holidays for himself.
Big hugs from me. I really do understand how you feel.
sky I think you should book the holiday for you and your daughter.
Dd is 17 ?
So she'd have got A LOT out of this trip as well.
I Would Be Fuming! Sorry maybe I am a big old sulky chops but I wouldn't be able to have any contact with him while he was out there and I would tell him him to STFU about it when he waltzes back raving about his experiences. Sorry but I think that is just SO mean.
I don't think I could like him at all after this .
Oh and book you and dd a holiday RIGHT NOW! If he says "without me?" Say "yes" looking like .
I remember the previous thread. Sorry it's ended up this way. Your FIL and DH are both arseholes, TBH.
Do something nice with your daughter for sure.
Go book that holiday, somewhere nice and sunny with your dd, have a lovely girly time and sod your selfish (d)h
Book the holiday sky, you and your dd deserve a little adventure to look forward to. Your important too you know, you'll feel empowered by taking control and balancing out the fairness of the situation, also be a really nice bonding experience for you and dd, bet you'll find plenty to laugh about.
I remember your other thread too & I don't have a great memory but it stuck in my head because of how selfish your DH sounds - I know if I were you I'd be happily single right now but that's just me!
Anyway I completely agree with Maryz & Enormas - book yourself & DD a holiday & don't worry about how he feels at all. Might make him realise just how selfish his actions are if you put yourself first for once. Good luck & stay off FB!
Pew pew pew.
Skyblue, I remember your thread re the flights and I'm not surprised you're fed up. Your 'D'H and FIL were very selfish and seemed to do their best to exclude you and your DD. Just read that your DD is 17; that would have been an incredible trip for her, and for you. Sorry, that probably doesn't really help)
I would definitely limit contact with your H while he is away as you will just find it harder speaking to him knowing that he fucked off to the other end of the world when it was within his capabilities to ensure you could all go. Don't not speak to him because it will spoil his holiday if you do but because it will make it will make it more bearable for you not to have to hear what he is up to (and what you could all be up to if he had't been such a selfish git)
Your SIL could have been more sensitive with her comment particularly if she knew you wanted to go.
You should definitely book the holiday for you and your DD without your H. He's had his treats and more than his share of the family spends for the last couple of years so it's your turn now. Book it now so that when you get upset at him being in NZ, you can think of your holiday to look forward to.
and if your DD doesn't want to go then take me, I've not been to the sun for nearly 4 years and I'm desperate to feel the sun on my bones
Sorry, but I think as it's FILs money, he gets to decide how to spend it. He is flying for 20 hours, I'm not surprised he wanted some company, especially as he was paying.
I saw the first thread too.
I'm not grasping a lot this morning but if FIL and MIL had two expensive tickets, Mil cant now fly and Dh was offered her ticket (tickets unable to be exchanged into economy) I fail to see how that is excluding the OP and DD?
It just isn't. It's making best use of 3.5K already spent.
Hypothetically, if the tickets could have been changed and a whole family trip was enabled, where were they all going to be living for 3 weeks? because money is the driver in this - the OP couldn't afford two more tickets, so even if the tickets were free, she would have had a hard time keeping up with the social whirl and paying the way of extra people.
Or would FIL be expected to pick up this bill too?
I also think it's pretty poor for the OP to resent her DH going to his own sisters wedding.
Overreacting regarding the fb comment.
I would not rain on their wedding, or be anything but cheerful.
I would book the cruise with your daughter, not to be spiteful, but because your dh has had his vacation, and you and your daughter have not, and your family is not in the financial position for him to have two vacations this year.
If you don't have a SAD light, you should get one, it isn't frivolous if it helps your health, many people have them. I hope that tomorrow is a better day.
No, Holly, if you read the first thread you would realise that they didn't actually manage to exchange MIL's ticket - they had to pay again to buy a ticket for the dh.
So they had plenty of money, they just didn't want to pay for the op and her dd.
They had enough to pay for accommodation etc when they got there - the family fund that the op is now thinking of using to pay for a holiday for her and dd. They just didn't have enough to pay for tickets on top.
What would piss me off about this if it was me (and accepting that the fil has the right to spend his money as he likes) would be the realisation that in all their arrangements it hadn't occurred to any of them (pil, h, sil) to include me and my dd as part of their "family".
They could have (if they wanted to) paid for op and dd in the beginning - they had the money. They just didn't want to.
Totally agree Maryz - hence why I'd be happily single - being excluded from your own family is not a family is still be part of if my husband was part of that exclusion.
Good luck Op - you deserve a holiday so book it!!
I don't think this is really about SIL's fairly innocuous response to your weather post , is it ? Book you and dd a break in the sun and ignore his snidey remarks.
sorry if this is a rude question, but is DD not your DH's biological child?
GET SOMETHING BOOKED FOR YOU AND DD PRONTO!
Honestly just do it.
Life's too short.
Maryz is saying it all eloquently and succinctly. I have nothing to add except that when you do go away with DD if DH dares to express a negative thought just say if he carries on you and DD will have a shit time (but you won't, MNers won't let you )
Just read some of your past threads and your H and his family sound absolutely horrible. Your H in particular.
I'm hurt by all of this, Maryz reflects exactly my feelings, thank God someone else can see this just how it is.
Today I am angry and guess what I have made to my mind up to book that holiday.
I went on facebook this morning (I deleted the photos yesterday) and saw a bright sunny photo from 'D'H stating another lovely sunny day here in NZ and his old GF commented on it and said 'tell your dad there's no meeting this morning due to the snow', he replied' haha yes I'll let him know'. So I was angry he's rubbing my nose it in so much. So nasty. Today I am glad to be here alone.
And yes it is his biological DD...in answer to the question..
exactly you h is an areshole op, he should have been up there supporting you telling them where is Mrsskyeblue and dd ticket, and should not have gone if you were not included, not go swanning off without you. That would be a dealbreaker in a relationship
Why are you still with this prize??
I really thought there was going to be some family dynamics going in ie your child and FIL not recognising DD as your husbands for many years (sorry can't write DH)
I second the suggestion to book a holiday away with a friend or family member in the sun. And if he has the chutzpah to complain, LAUGH IN HIS TANNED FACE
(holiday without kids of course). get on line now, check out where you could go that's hot for a whole week without kids.
oh your dd is 17!? ok, take her! i thought she was a toddler.
And also, it makes it more shocking that you weren't included at his sister's wedding.
Well initially I thought your first FB comment was inviting trouble, although your SILs response wasn't particularly jibey.
Then I thought you were being silly about the tickets as I assumed, like Holly the tickets in BC had already bed purchased and it was just a name change for DH.
But since Maryz's clarification and today's FB comment I have changed my mind. I would now be booking the mini cruise with DD, and spending the remainder of DHs holiday considering whether I wanted to be strapped to this wanker for the rest of my life.
A lot to think about sky, as well as other things, your h shows little and no respect for you, you seem to not be worth very much to him. Any loving and caring husband or partner would not allow this to happen. Your IL bought another ticket for your h, but did not buy one for his wife and daughter shows how they see you, and your h does nothing to support or defend you. I seriously would not be with such an arse tbh. Go on that lovely holiday with just you and your dd and sod him.
Piglet....I have a lot to think about don't I?
You're right about the respect and care, he's way too selfish but turns it around on me every time making me out to be awkward about it all and intent on making his time there miserable.
Sometimes you can't see things as they are, posting on here has brought a few home truths out to me.
He might have accidentally done you a massive favour sky you've got a few weeks to think things over without him clouding your judgement and negating your feelings. He sounds like a man child narcissist twat. Have the il's always kept you and dd at arms length? Do you think he's been telling them porkies about what a martyr husband he is caring and providing for you under difficult health circumstances and that you in return are bitter and ungrateful and impossible to live with but he's duty bound and deserves the break?. Sorry sky I've got an over active imagination, I meant no offence by your health issues that I know nothing about I'm just trying to work out how much of a twat he is. They sound like a mixed bunch of narcs and enablers, has your mil been in touch since they left for NZ? What kind of relationship do you have generally with the il's?.
bootsy....he doesn't normally have a lot to do with them so he's not told them anything I'm sure.
Top and bottom is he is happy to go without me and DD, so clearly we don't mean that much to him. He knows I am upset because he knows I didn't want him to go. I also love sunshine and he knows that.
I don't really have any kind of relationship with IL's I don't like them as they disregard me and DD as being part of their family. FIL was told by DH that I felt excluded and he said 'I can see why she'd feel like that' but is happy to leave it at that.
Now I am in the wrong again with DH as he sees me as trying to make his holiday shit as I was having a bad day yesterday and was moaning about the snow, he's not the one having to walk 2 miles to work in it when I feel poorly, it's always about him.
He didn't like that fact I was annoyed at his sisters comment and I said she was stupid to be so insensitive and I was even more upset that he defended her and made out I was being harsh to her.
MIL has only phoned our house 3 times in 12 years,and that was cos she needed something, she phoned and said they had got there but spoke DD as she picked phone up. I don't want to talk to her anyway.
Feel a bit of an outsider to say the least. I haven't responded to his last fb message about making his holiday shit nor skyped I feel I might say something I will regret, I don't know how to respond right now.
Send him a message later saying
"I hope you are enjoying yourself. I have decided to book a holiday for dd and me later in the year, as seeing how much you are enjoying the sun I thought it would be nice for us to do something similar".
suitably passive-aggressive, but difficult for him to argue with
sky your not in the wrong, he's just trying to make you feel that you are. What a massive twat your h is putting fb status updates about another great sunny day etc then private messaging you making his holiday shit. How passive aggressive of your fil to acknowledge your feelings of exclusion then say or do fuck all to amend the situation. Bet your il's would be all over you if you won the lottery. Your il's disregard you and your dd as part of the family? Time to pull yourself up by the boot strings kid, what exactly are you getting out of this marriage? They treat you like shit and if your not in tip top health the way your h treats you definitely won't be making you feel any better.
I'd seriously be looking for a way out of this sky, for you and your dd. you need to sort the wheat out from the chaff. You shouldn't be made to feel like an outsider who doesn't matter by your 'nearest and dearest'
Maryz.....I think if I were to say that then he's just say 'oh so that's your way of getting back at me is it?'
Bootsy....I know you're exactly right, I am afraid to do what you say though secretly I want to. He has no idea how he makes me feel and if he did he wouldn't be bothered. That in itself is a reason I know, funny how what started out as a little thing has blown into this making me realise what a poor marriage I have.
yes a lot to think about sky, I know that you have probably been with him a long time, but sometimes you need some perspective, things dont have to be like that. Its never too late
Time to make a pros and cons list sky
Corny but true your futures in your hands.
how could he enjoy his holiday knowing he has a wife back home who would love to go on that holiday, what a wanker, you need to start preparing to leave him. tbh it sounds as though he would not care less, does not sound as though he would put up a fight. Thats what you really need to to sky
I agree with Maryz's suggestion.
If he comes back with that comment, re 'getting back at him'. reply "of course not! you know we deserve a holiday too!"
or maybe, the money would be better spent shoring up your future, independent from him. He doesn't see you as a family unit.
Well then I wouldn't worry about him or his opinion
dh went away last summer and I didn't. So this year he has positively encouraged me to make plans - I'm taking dd and ds2 away on my own. dh would love to come, but for various reasons can't. But it isn't a tit-for-tat holiday, it's that I need a break.
yeh, if the script in your household is that one person can have a holiday on his own, and it is petty and sour of you to complain, but that if you are assertive enough and pro-active enough to organise a holiday for yourself, then that is to get back at him ... has he any idea how entitled he is? He can have a holiday. But you can't. It's petty of you to want a holiday. Or it's just in reaction to his holiday. You're making a point. ???
Absolutely no thought that you too might enjoy a holiday and need a holiday?!
Aw bless you Bootsy for thinking of me!
OK thanks, had little contact with DH he never ignored my message when I said it was clear he didn't care about me, he just said it was rubbish and he did!
I am looking at holidays BTW!
Book a last minute deal to Egypt or somewhere for you and DD. Don't tell "D"H and leave a note on the fridge saying:
"Away with DD- there's some lasagne in the fridge for tonight but you'll have to sort yourself out for the next fortnight. Knew you'd understand, such a doll about holidays, aren't you?
Lots of love, your darling wife
P.S.- Have taken all money out of joint account, you need to tip lots in arab countries"
TheCriac, if only I had the guts!
He messaged me tonight, said he'd met his sisters in laws and how nice they were, I replied 'good, at least someone has nice iL's who make them feel like they belong in the family, be sure to tell her how lucky she is'
then he ignored my comment just as he did the one about posting the photo with the comment about it being hot and sunny and went offline without responding.
I have annoyed him, do I care? No
He also told DD he was running out of money and showed her a pic of his empty wallet she asked what he'd spent it on, he said just bits, I shall be very upset if he spends even more of our money, so much for his dad saying he'd pay for everything and it would cost him nothing..
sky brilliant reply! Have you chosen a holiday yet? I'll be offline for a day or so now but I'll check in on how things are with you when I'm back.
Sky your h sounds lie a selfish inconsiderate bastard who just drains you and adds nothing to your life. He swans off on holiday, without even caring about you or your dd, gets the hump as your upset, then spends all of your money on himself. I would seriously get rid. My dh is no angel ( totally undimesticated and doesn't have a clue how to cook). But one thing for certain he loves me and would never ever pull a stunt like that. Every family event would have to include me and our children or he would not go
Sky, I don't know how your accounts work but you might need to keep a close eye to make sure that he's not spending money that will make accounts overdrawn or leave bills unpaid. Obviously don't freeze accounts and leave him stranded abroad, but you might want to consider moving money around to ensure that you are not left up the creek financially due to him squandering your savings on 'bits'.
If he spends your mini-cruise money I volunteer to come round and give him a talking to.
I'm afraid he was brought up by mean, selfish arseholes and has learnt how to behave from them. Shower of shitheads the lot of them.
If he spends her mini cruise money I'd be telling him to sell a kidney to reimburse her.
Inertia, surprisingly I am the one who controls all the finances, probably because he can't be arsed but he says I am a control freak, that's because I need the security of knowing what's in the bank.
He has a debit card but he knows my feelings on using this when his prepaid debit card that's loaded runs out.
He can't see his family for what they are. He's so loyal it makes me angry. They have never ever helped with childcare but the minute they need something he jumps and I feel so resentful, I try not to be but I can't help it. I was also astounded that my FIL acknowledged how I felt but doesn't want to do flop all about it.
I would find it very hard to continue to love or respect a spouse who had treated me like this.
They sound like a horrible bunch I wouldn't want to be connected to any of them including your DH. It's not just that he doesn't give two boots about you but also your DD.
I'm a bitch I would give my DH in that situation a photo to really make a comment on one of me filling in a Decree Nisi with a big smile.
Your best off thinking about a future tat does not include him op he sounds like an arse
sky I would freeze the debit card with the household money in there, can you request a new pin code? I wouldn't give him the opportunity to borrow from the bill money if he fails to budget the money from his prepaid debit card. He won't be left stranded for cash, he can ask you to if it's possible for you to top up his pre paid debit card with a little extra to budget his time with or he can ask to borrow from his parents and pay them back when he gets home, avoids bank charges for going overdrawn direct debits bouncing etc. Insures the cost of your and dd's much deserved holiday too
I'm here again, resurrecting this thread as I am well pissed off with him now.
He messaged me yesterday and asked if I would like to see his ugly mug, I said no thanks, though we have had small chats at around the same time each day.
This morning I opened fb and his sister made a comment off on Honeymoon with DH, DD and brother. He hadn't mentioned he was going, not that I suppose it matters, seen as he's on holiday anyway it's just I am hurt at his inconsideration to not mention 'oh btw I won't be contactable for a while as I'm going on Honeymoon with DS' and me not wonder why he's not around. Then I note he's mentioned to a colleague 'going round NZ for a few days' but not to me, feel excluded again, maybe he'd think I would mention money I don't know it's just riled me again.
AIBU here, should he have mentioned it do you think? It just seems odd....I just left him a message saying 'So you're going on your sisters Honeymoon???'
And ridiculous to get upset at anything on Facebook.
Your comments also sound petty and immature.
Either deal with it face to face when he is home, or leave it. Passive aggressive messages on Facebook just make you look like an arse.
He's going on his sister's honeymoon??? That's just odd to start with, but yes I would think most partners in 'normal' relationships would mention that sort of thing. Especially if he's going to be off the radar for a few days.
However, just a thought and I'm happy to be wrong on this ... is there a chance he was trying not to rub your nose in it, knowing you'd be missing out. And it's 'unfortunate' that you've found out by his DS's FB?
Well I'd like to think that he didn't want to rub my nose in it but....like you say any 'normal' relation ship you'd mention it, clearly our's isn't normal!
I don't think there was a right thing for him to do. You would have been pissed off with him regardless.
I think there's a chance this is really going to chew you up over the next however long it is till he's back. Thrashing out any of this over a long distance isn't really going to work and might end up making it very much worse. Do you think it would help to message him and say 'can we have a talk when you're back, hope you have a nice rest of the holiday' and then switch off FB / e-mails etc?
I would if I could but the temptation to see what's happening is too much.....
Hello again sky I've been wondering how you've been getting on. Are you keeping tabs on his spending? As long as he doesn't eat into your and dd's much deserved holiday fund you can't really get much more pissed off with him. Let it wash over you, wish him well even if it is through gritted teeth and get your adventure booked.
i think you have to question the future of your relationship tbh. you sound so resentful and angry that i think it's eaten up any positive feelings you have for him.
Bootsy! I just checked the prepaid card (said I was good with money!) and he hasn't spent that much, how up to date it is not sure however i would've thought that he would be spending on hotels and food, surely?
You're right I will let it wash over me, no point in getting any more upset than I already am...I need to book this holiday as the price dropped the other day, I am just holding back as I am afraid of his reaction, surely though he can't have a leg to stand on?
Claude.... I know, I am resentful on lots of counts....though I think I have good reason to be
yes, sounds like you have very good reason.
Sky sod him and his reaction, book that holiday. He is a prize wanker. He does not seem to care about you or your feelings. I would start considering a future that does not involve him
piglet....I don't know where to start with that one...except with the holiday! It's not in my nature to exclude him from anything but on this occasion I thin it's justified
I think you should start putting yourself first, sod him he needs to learn. Really like others have said you have to think long and hard bout your relationship
I know....the thing is.....I have so much stuff going on in my life re work and family issues without adding to the stress of a break up, I know there's never a good time and all that but I have been there before and it was awful. We've been together about 20 years now and I just accept my lot, anything for a quiet life it's easier.
Ahhh that's good on the spending front, when is he due home?. Bollocks to his reaction get that cruise booked, what's good for the goose is good for the gander. Get it booked and mention it to him when you message, if he is truly genuine he won't bat an eyelid surely. If he throws his toys out of the pram then your well within your rights to read him the riot act and really give it to him.
Not due back until 10 April, his holiday was for 3 wks 3 days? Long time isn't it? My DD is quite liking is she says the house is a lot 'calmer' they are always arguing..
Well you don't have to, better being single tan treated like rubbish. Life s what you wanted I to be. He knows you won't put up a fight so continues to treat you so badly. Time to get a rcet up your bum and fire in you. mabey if you start showing what your mad if he will start to respect you more
Sky...he is a horrible man. Just horrible. He doesn't care about you or your daughter. Book the bloody holiday, before he spends any more of your money and go and sodding well enjoy yourself away from him.
Hide him and his family on your facebook and resist the urge to check up on them. I know you're angry about him going, I would be bloody furious under the circumstances, but you need to let it go. What's done is done, all you can do now is focus on where you go from here.
Meant a rocket up your bum and she him what your made of
F'king he'll. having read through some of the responses to your OP I doubt you're feeling any better about things
Reality is that people put gobby comments on Facebook, as well as Mumsnet and other websites. Cos in all cases they're public and people will be direct, regardless of your feelings and how well or not they know you.
SAD is shit, being in a freezing UK is shit, being on the other side of the world to your husband partying is shit and being spoken to like a piece if shit on here is, well, shit.
Yeah, your SIL could have been a bit more considerate but she's doubtfully being malicious and is just being a bit over enthusiastic.
Shame for your Husband to be feeling a bit bummed out by this Facebook thing when it's his Sister's wedding day and is nothing he's done wrong?
Work and family strife is just reality, there's always something going on, never a dull moment eh?. Yeah 3 weeks 3 days is a long holiday, apart from pissed off with the selfish twat how do you feel about being apart for nearly a month?. Do you miss him or are you in dd's camp enjoying the peace without his bullshit?.
True stuff Bootsy. Strife is reality!
Skyblue Get the wine open and toast to three weeks peace and full control of the telly!
Boosty....TBH I am not missing him, our intimate relationship leaves a lot to be desired anyhow, the house is tidier, quieter and calmer and I am liking it like my DD.
Sky, I have read most of your threads & I can't shake my sadness for you.
Because although I should be angry at your tosser of a husband - it's clear way he's like and it no longer surprises me.
I'm sad because you value yourself so little, you know how he speaks to you is manipulative & controlling, you know how he treats you and your child is disgraceful & selfish and yet you're hoping that put up & shut up will buy you a quiet life.
It's not working is it?
I can empathise with having a rubbish family, health issues & stress & coupled with 20 years of letting him into your head but how much energy is forcibly leeched from you when dealing with shit like this? You know it won't be the last time he will voluntarily throw you both under the bus if your mere existence (let alone having needs & wants of your own) gets in the way of him doing exactly what he wants regardless if you can afford it.
You don't have to live your life by his rules. Your daughter deserves her own determination - she is excluded by her own family, is disregarded by her father - everyone deserves better than that.
Why do you feel the responsibility to keep this going? Being the one that enables his shitty, shitty choices by dealing with the stresses of budgeting & being left behind?
Freedom, being single, is better than trying to breathe life into 17 stone of dead weight. By the way he acts it sounds like you are the only one willing to sustain a marriage - his actions don't say husband to me...not by a very long way.
I think you know what you need to do sky, it might not be convenient or easy but I think you and dd would be so much more happier and settled in the long run without him. In the nicest possible way if you act like a doormat, don't be surprised when somebody wipes their shitty shoes on you. Just because you've shared 20 years of your lives together doesn't mean that you have to sign up for more of the same.
Is there enough love there to have it out with him, lay your cards on the table and both try to make a go of it or are you flogging a dead horse?. You are strong enough to deal with this, you really need to use this time to sort your head out and think about what you want out of life, you need to put yourself and dd first because nobody else will
Totally when I talk to people at work about it, they don't see him as being selfish, in fact DH pointed out to me it was a 'trip of a lifetime' and he 'wanted my blessing' to have stopped him going would have caused much resentment and anger from him. Others have said to me it is his sisters wedding why would you not want him to go, his dad's paying but of course it's much more complex than that.
I didn't realise until I read threads on here just maybe how oppressed I am. I think if he were to read what I was writing he would be mortified and wouldn't have gone. He would be lost without me but I would be OK cos I've done it before, it wasn't easy but I did it. I am always the one in the family who puts themselves last after everyone else, maybe it's time that changed and I have some fun too.
He surely can't love me any more can he? I doubt he ever did if I look back, he does what he thinks is right buys presents etc plays his part on the surface but he's never been in love with me passionately I know that for sure, he'd argue that to keep me though.
I suppose I've done what a lots of people do, stay together for the sake of DD not upset the balance for her, he's very emotionally unstable, been on antidepressants for 10 years, won't come off them, he has issues and it would break him if we parted, I suppose that's another reason I've not wanted to upset him he wouldn't cope.
His good points are that he's very good with my disabled brother steps in when I can't handle his issues, takes the strain. I'm trying to think of other points here but faiing!
DD won't be at home much longer and I then have lots to think about and possibly break free how I don't know.
I think sky, you have to do what you know will make you happy. Whichever way that decision leans.
There are some lovely people on here, it's great to get perspectives of others thanks stuntgirl cupcake bootsy and totally
It doesn't matter if the people at work don't think he's selfish for going on his trip of a lifetime, it doesn't affect them or their dc and they don't have to live with the twat and all his issues. Would have been nice if he'd have thanked his dad for the opportunity and the free ticket but insisted that you and dd were included in this big family occasion rather than just laying a guilt trip on you before pissing off for nearly a month.
He might be lost without you for a bit but ultimately he's an adult whose responsible for his own destiny, he wouldn't drop dead of a nervous breakdown if you called it a day. Harsh as it sounds but life goes on and yours is going to pass you by if you don't grab it with both hands and take charge.
bootsy I suppose if he's man enough to make the decision to go to the other side of the world and choose to ignore me then it mightn't be so hard on him.
I really want to give you a huge hug, you're so lovely.
As to the people at work - yes, this is true but only in isolation. It is not a one off behaviour though is it?
If my dh had been in the same position he would have said I'd love to come, how can we sort out more tickets?
If there was only one, exchangeable, ticket & no money for more then he would have asked me & I trust he would have followed through on my answer. I would have said yes, go & enjoy, because in every other way, every day he is there doing the spade work right beside me, but had I said no then no it would be. Same in my case - I don't do things according to his law but I will canvas his opinion because I know he will approach things with our best interests at heart not his own, not mine but all of us.
This is a reasonable expectation in an equal marriage - you meet together in the middle for the good of the family. He just doesn't give that to you.
I very much agree with Bootsy, she's talking a lot of sense.
You have taken on the responsibility of his feelings & expectations - truth is though if he's bound to misery then separation will just be grist to the mill, trying to get him to recognise & value you & your DD does not have such concrete results, I find it hard to foresee a sudden change in his attitude. After all, he has to want it to make it happen.
And I say that as a person with MH ishoos. Depression is not code for 'treating people like shit and being miserable' syndrome.
There is also nothing at all stopping you from making a choice, today, that you will start looking out for your own interests & living your own life, this is not a privilege reserved for your H.
Just get good at answering back -
He says 'is this your way of getting back at me?' You say 'if you haven't done anything wrong why would I be trying to get back at you? You're purely ensuring you & DD get the same quality of life as he is'. He turns it on you? Well turn it right back, he can try & make you feel unsure but you are the only one on solid ground.
I wonder how keen he will be once you are no longer his chief cook & bottle washer?
Exactly, he's not a baby. He sounds totally self centred and very emotionally controlling. As for his good points, well point, I'm not being awful but him being kind and helpful to your disabled brother and helping out when your at absolute breaking point is a service that you could actually pay by the hour for from a suitable organisation.
Thank you all again, totally I take on everything you say and will read your valuable post again tomorrow, I am going to bed now to sleep on things. x
I can't believe that people are pissed off with the FIL for not buying the OP and her teenage DD a plane ticket each. It's his money to do as he sees fit.
People are pissed off because the fil acknowledged that op and her dd were being excluded from a family occasion and holiday of a lifetime, commented that it mustn't feel very nice and then ho hum left it at that when he could have for the same price of the business class ticket he'd paid for his ds paid for all 3 of their flights. Yes we know he's under no obligations and that he can spend his money on what he wants but it's a no brainier really. Have you actually read the thread?
And you can't see how that pisses people off?
The DS wasn't invited originally. The invite was only made when his wife couldn't go and the FIL wanted company on the flight.
He clearly wants the DS with him for selfish reasons so it's a bit silly to expect the guy to pay for three economy tickets while he sat alone in Business Class for 24 hours. It kind of defeats the purpose of buying his son a ticket in the first place.
It's the fact that it's really so much more than a father treating his son to a plane ticket to his sisters wedding.
The thing is, it could have been the trip of a lifetime for the three of you.
If he had simply stood up to his dad and said "I won't go on my own, but if you want company I will go with my wife and daughter. We will travel economy, but I'll be on the plane if you need anything, and I'll be there at the airport and at the stopovers".
They could all have gone.
The fact that they didn't is making skyblue realise that their marriage isn't what it should be. And if you are struggling in a marriage, trying hard to make things work, the simple realisation that the other person doesn't care is enough to tip you over into wondering why you bother.
MTS groupie, you may have read the thread, but you clearly haven't understood it.
That bloody ticket was a poisoned chalice. It's the ultimate passive aggressive gift.
Skyblue, I've read the thread and have sat on my hands from the start. I think you need to work out what you're getting from this thread, because just because a bunch of strangers on the Internet think your DH (who they've never actually met) is a tool, doesn't actually mean he's a tool. Only you can know that.
DD sounds very sensible. Sounds like she would prefer it if he didn't come back to the house. In that case, why wait until she's left home?
Maryz - the OP talked about her marriage, her thoughts about her husband and how she and their DD is finding things nicer because DP is half way around the world. And the mystery deepens as to why the DP had no qualms about going away for 3 weeks without his wife or DD.
The OP admits that she doesnt have a relationship with her in laws and that over the years they have only spoken a hand ful of times. And yet she is pissed off that the FIL didn't want to pay for her to go on a freebie holiday???
The OP has made it clear what her marriage is like yet she is pissed off that he didn't turn down a free holiday of a lifetime, to see his sister get married???
Even now that her DH is over there, the OP is still making it clear that she isn't happy with DH going. Then there is there is giving DH grief about the FB thing. Such an over reaction. My BIL was skiing in the USA. I posted a picture of our snowed in garden with the comment that we were getting the snow for free. One hot summer I recall posting a picture of us in the garden having a bbq. Same bro had rented an apartment in Nice and it was raining. This is kind of ribbing is what people do on FB. And the OP is pissed of with her DH for saying that she is spoiling his holiday???
I am not saying that the OP is a bad person. I'm merely making the point that the OP doesn't have a healthy relationship with her in laws or her husband so why does she find their behavior unreasonable?
catinthehairnet the op does have her own mind you know, don't be so bloody patronising she's not stupid. Just because people give advice doesn't mean they have any rights to the outcome, goes without saying. The op has used the option of discussing her problems with strangers on the Internet so that she can get a wide selection of responses from a totally unconnected source, it's a bit like counselling for free I suppose, she can come on here and vent away, some people might judge, so what? Some people will offer absolutely sound advice and ask questions that will enable her to think clearly about her situation while her dh is away. There's no need to sit on your hands, if you've got something useful to say/suggest then join in. As for op's dh being branded a tool despite the fact we've never met that's horses for courses, we only know what the op is telling us and I'm trusting that she's painted an honest picture of her dh and his selfish behaviour and putting himself first mindset.
MTSgroupie the op doesn't have a good relationship with her in laws because they are cold and distant and refuse to think of her and her daughter their grandchild as family and include them appropriately. Her mil only contacts her ds and dil if she wants something. Op is pissed off because it feels like her dh and Sil are rubbing her nose in it while they have a fantastic family holiday of a lifetime. Op is pissed off because her and her dd haven't had a holiday in years but her dh always manages to make sure that he has a break ie golf holiday, leaving op and dd at the bottom of the pile without the funds for a treat themselves. Op has the funds to book a 2 week cruise for her and dd but she is scared of his reaction if she goes ahead and books it, he's emotionally manipulative with depression issues that he puts onto op. op is pissed off that he just accepted the free flights without saying that he'd really like it if op and dd were included.
OMG Sky l have just sat and read this thread and l cannot believe you are actually still with this man. I remember your original thread.
He is one selfish entitled man and it is obvious the apple doesn't fall far from the tree.
You deserve better as does your DD, You do realise that he will come home and knowing he "got away with it again" (holiday and olympics) will continue to disregard you and your DD and will continue to do exactly what he wants.
Use this time to disengage and work out what you want. Book that holiday and start spending money and time on yourself.
Life appears better for you and DD without (D)H around. Why not make it permanent?
bootsy - I, on the other hand, try to look past what an OP is saying. People, whether intentionally or not, always paint themselves as the innocent victim.
Mtsgroupie are you op dh family btw! My dh would never want to go to family events without me especially something as big as going halfway round the world. It's not the holiday as such but generally on an everyday basis op dh does not show her much respect, and dies not consider her an important part of his life, and undermines her and her feelings. He does not defend her to his amity and appears to show little or no support. It's not the holiday but the way the op dh dealt with it
Mts you have to take things at face value here, there are a lot of wankers about
Oh My some people stayed up late around here! I was surprised to see a lot more comments this morning.
MTS just because I don't have a healthy relationship with DH or IL's doesn't make it OK for them to ride roughshod over my feelings.
Maryz thank you, as always for putting everything so succinctly, at first I thought any one wouldn't want to stop their OH missing out it would be mean but it's about the fact he's not willing to put up a fight or is missing us that has made me think that he doesn't care. If I had said no he would have been really mardy about it, but I didn't want to do that I wanted him to make that decision for himself and think, 'actually no this isn't right' but he didn't. It annoys me that he won't stand up to FIL. When they left FIL walked in said 'oh hello' like he didn't expect me to be there then he took his suitcase and didn't come back for a chat, he's really rude anyway. If he ever phones here (which is rare he always calls DH at work) he says straight away is * there? Not Oh Hi Sky, how are you, hows work etc, no chit chat just direct and rude, so rude.
bootsy good comment about my brother, however we are on the second lot of care providers, it's a long story so I won't bore you with that!
Another thing which worried me was my DD's reaction. She said if it were her then she would go she couldn't miss out on something like that, I thought that was really selfish of her but it could be her thinking from a 17 year olds point of view. I just thought OMG she thinks like he does and I felt dismayed with her.
I'm kind of looking at this as a 'trial separation' to test my feeling out...I wished I could say I was missing him.
As kids whenever we attended family occasions like weddings and stuff the evening would inevitably end with my mum in the car ride home criticising my Dad. He shouldn't have made that joke to Uncle x. He was speaking too loud. He monopolized the conversation with y. He shouldn't have expressed that particular view in front of z. After a while the poor man made a point of disappearing off to the bar for guy 'bonding' at such occasions.
If my mum was on AIBU no doubt she would paint a picture of a twat of a husband that often dumps her at weddings and goes drinking with mates.
Like I said, I like to look past what the OP what is saying.
MTS well I'd be interested to know what it is you see if you 'look past'.
I don't want to put him down, what'd be the point in painting a picture of him to be a twat when in reality he wasn't I wouldn't be getting the right picture put across would I?
Generally he's thoughtful around Christmas, birthdays etc and to meet him you'd think he was a nice guy of course. Some things about him I don't like, for example if he's cutting the grass outside he would moan about it and expect me to join him outside, yet if I am cleaning round the house then he wouldn't join in.
Let me give you an example, I currently work 30 hours a week (5 x 6 hours) I have decided to change to 4 x 7.5 as I think it would be better for me, (I also support ageing Mum as well as brother) I got the comment 'so you'd be having a day off then?' which wasn't nice then I figured it was because he won't have his tea on the table every night and might just have to cook! What do you make of that MTS is that a supportive husband or is it me being a slacker?
There is a difference between you sitting in the garden, reading a magazine and keeping DH company and having DH follow you around room to room while you clean the toilet and the shower. Or are you complaining about how you help cut the grass but he doesn't help with the cleaning?
Anyway, I am not passing judgment on whether your DH is a good or bad husband. I am merely saying that YABU for being pissed off because a FIL that you don't get on with didn't offer to pay for you to go on an expensive holiday.
sky don't be fretting about your daughter saying that she would go if she was offered. She's 17, she doesn't have any dependants or adult responsibilities to consider and im presuming you wouldn't begrudge her the experience if they had offered her the opportunity. It's really odd that your il's aren't bothered about having a close relationship with your dd, did your DH not consider sending dd on the trip instead of himself? Or did he just say yes please and accept?.
MTS when I 'look past' what op is saying I feel that the point she's trying to make is her DH expects too much of her, takes her for granted, doesn't pull his weight with sharing domestic chores, when he does do a chore assigned to him he doesn't just get on with it he complains and tries to get op to help him while if she's doing a chore assigned to her he'd just let her get on with it. Basically he doesn't make things easier for her by sharing the load except when she's in absolute dire need and on the verge of a total melt down he'll step up and help with op's brother. He doesn't put op and dd first ever, he always puts himself first. He doesn't care too much if op and dd haven't been able to have a holiday as long as he's had his getaway. It's all about him really and op is tired of putting up with his shit.
bootsy - With DP and I all chores are shared. However my SIL believes in guys and gals chores. DB is expected to take sole charge of jobs like cutting the grass, cleaning the car, doing household paperwork, paying bills and taking out the rubbish. On the other hand SIL expects DB to help with cleaning or fold while she irons or dry while she washes the dinner stuff or ... or ....
If my SIL were to post about her chores situation here on MN she would sound very much like the OP.
Anyway, my BU 'judgement' was directed at the FIL air fare and FB posting thing which was that she is BU to expect a FIL that she doesn't get on with to pay for her to go on an expensive holiday. As for the FB thing, people rib each other all the time . In the days before FB people would send postcards of sunny beaches to people back home in rain soaked UK with similar messages.
MTS (facepalm emoticon) I'll wait for sky to explain in her own terms about the gardening chore example.
The op is upset because her fil offered to buy her dh a plane ticket in first class that for the same ticket price could have paid for economy seats for her, dh and dd. OP wasn't happy about her and dd being left out but didn't want to say no to her dh, she wanted him to think of her and dd and come to the conclusion of the economy flight tickets for all 3 of them and ask fil if they could do the economy tickets as an alternative to his first class ticket because they are meant to be having a family holiday this year since op and dd haven't had a holiday for a few years. They have enough in their family holiday fund to pay for the spends for all 3 of them in NZ for 3 weeks 3 days but not enough money for 3 return flights as well. Fil is paying for a first class return flight to NZ, he is not funding the flight and holiday spends.
As for the FB sky gets pissed off at the fabulous weather updates but can deal with it, it feels like their rubbing her nose in it but hey ho she can fold the screen down and avoid. She's pissed off because she's snowed in, not feeling fantastic due to SAD and having to walk miles to work not feeling well but if she has a moan to her dh about the crappiness she gets a "stop ruining my holiday, your making me miserable" kind of reply. You can't compare a holiday postcard to fb, people would make an effort to send a postcard to loved ones to let them know that their enjoying themselves etc and sign off with the Judith Chalmers 'wish you were here'. A fb status is by no means personal it's there for all 'friends' to see, it takes no effort, it's instant and to be honest status updates about 'going on honeymoon with my brother' why would her Sil post that if not to rub op's nose in it? It makes her sound like she's having an incestual honeymoon ffs!
This is going round and round so one more time before I hit the HIDE button.
The FIL wanted company on the plane trip. The FIL didn't want to be on his own at all the festivities when everyone had a partner. So he offered to pay for his son to go with him. The purpose behind the gesture was not to provide the OP with a free holiday.
Think you are going over the top.
If I were you OP, I'd book that mini cruise for you and DD today. I'd then be tempted to post a
hideously passive aggressive status on FB tagging your DH saying 'Just booked a lovely girly mini cruise for me and DD! Thanks to DH (tagged) for agreeing before he went to NZ that we could have mum and DD time together later in the year, can't wait for some sun at last and DD is thrilled to get a holiday this year!'
It would serve him right, the selfish ball bag.
Really it's not about the holiday it goes deeper than that, op is understandably unhappy that she feels insignificant to him and he disregards her and disrespects her as his wife. This seems lie this has been happening for a while, but how he has treated her over the holiday has brought this to light.
He does not seem bothered about opals does not seem to care. Yes sky go on that holiday you deserve it!
MTS op didn't expect her fil to offer to pay for tickets for her and dd.
Op wanted her dh to think 'thanks dad, very generous offer but I have to think about sky and dd, we're planning a family holiday for the 3 of us this year, it's been a few years since sky and dd have had a holiday despite me managing to getaway for a few breaks without them so a first class ticket for me? Sorry dad I couldn't possibly accept, it wouldn't be fair on sky and dd. Unless wow dad here's an alternative that could keep everyone happy you could for the same price of 1 first class return ticket buy 3 economy class return tickets so we could all enjoy sisters wedding and family holiday? The 24 hour journey is just logistics and it's really not a big deal considering well get 3 whole weeks and 3 days together enjoying ourselves'
It's stating the obvious that the fils purpose behind the gesture wasn't to provide a free holiday to op. op simply wants to get back out of her relationship what she puts in, she wants to be treated with consideration and for her dh to put her and dd before himself sometimes.
sky how are you today? Are you any closer to booking yours and dd's holiday?
Wonder if the Fil even gives a shit about the fall out to his son's marriage by his weird need for company for a bloody 24 hr flight, a good part of which he will be lying down sleeping, does he need a carer or something. Will your Dh be wiping his bum for him as well.
Hi bootsy bless you!
You put it all so succinctly above, that's exactly how it is, my best friend still can't believe he's gone and left us.
People are actually shocked when they ask are you missing him and I truthfully say no.
Yeah not bad today, had no contact due to him being on their 'honeymoon' he said he couldn't go on fb, I note he's posting pics of his niece on there though.
Re the mini cruise, I just wanted to check with the coach company they had seats otherwise I can't get to the port, they are closed today, I think tomorrow when they are open I will check and then make the booking with the cruise operator. Seems a bit scary though and an action which I'm sure will have repercussions! I am hoping the price is the same price as the other day as it had gone down by £48!
Begonia, I have no idea why he needed him at his side but I am sure my DH wanted to fly business class anyway, he likes anything like that, thinking he's something he isn't!
His parents did say ages ago we wouldn't want it to cause a rift or anything if just you go....they recognise my feeling of exclusion but don't care.
I'm really rooting for you getting this cruise booked sky
He's being massively passive/aggressive telling you that he's too busy on honeymoon to go on fb to talk to you but having the time to upload pics of his niece, funny onion.
Do you think that he's being a massive twat so that you'll call time out on the marriage and he'll be the 'blameless' party that gets all the sympathy?
By the way he's behaving he's definitely playing with you. What do you think the repercussions from him will be if you book the cruise tomorrow? Will it all be verbal tantruming and sulking its not fair on me type shite?.
I just think he'll be really mardy about it, sulking and making jibes...and unhelpful.
Be surprised if he'd call time out as he's not wanting that at all, he likes his life as it is!
Repercussions my left foot you go on it. His actions have repercussions did he care, did he hell. Start putting yourself first instead of worrying about him
I bet he lies life as it is ecause he's alright jack isn't he!
So he would be behaving li a silly little child as you dared go on holiday and enjoy yoursef
This is such a sad thread because it could have been do different if the OP's DH had simply taken her and her DD into some sort of consideration from the outset. So go ahead, OP, and book that holiday. Your DH has nothing to be mardy about. After all, he's already had "the holiday of a lifetime" hasn't he?
I would honestly advise you to avoid him on FB altogether at the moment though. There's nothing but added grief for you to see there.
I know it's not about the holiday Piglet, but the OP is being totally disregarded by her DH and his family. It's time she did something to will benefit her - I bet there's not been a lot of doing things for herself in this marriage, I'm guessing. The holiday will be a well-deserved treat for her and her DD, plus it will go some way to showing her DH that she won't be walked over and disrespected any more.
Exactly panda you have nothing to feel guilty about he's had a lovely holiday. Whatsrt of a husband goes on a nice holiday without their wife's consideration and Gets the hump when she goes on one!
Sorry equality ad all tat op now has a right to go on holiday
Come on sky I'm gonna give you some motivational thoughts of the day
Stand up for yourself get that cruise booked tomorrow and laugh in his face when he dares to sulk, the fact that he's gone on 'honeymoon' with his sister gives you a lifetime of smart arse comebacks for any jibes he can come up with. As for being unhelpful, nothing new there then!. You have to start putting yourself first, if you don't nobody else will and you'll end up really bitter and resentful, it's pointless, stick up for yourself. You should book dh a 6 week spell in a Kibbutz, he could have fun in the sun and it'd be hugely beneficial to his personal development
I agree with panda stay off fb, only pissing you off even more. Concentrate on doing nice things for you and dd while he's away
Another one here who remembers your original thread sky. Can I ask how your DD feels about not going on a 'trip of a lifetime'? To me it's as much about excluding her as it is about you.
I would imagine that when my dcs are your daughters age I would love to travel to NZ for an adventure. It just seems very, very selfish of you H and his family.
The thing is....I mentioned to friends today about the minicruise and it seems like I am just doing this to 'get back' at him, that's not the case as you all know it goes deeper than that but to others it seems like tit for tat. I don't want others to perceive me as being petty.
Also as he had 'my blessing' to go he thinks everything is OK and he'll say I should have said no if I had felt that strongly. I didn't want to stop him going but I 'hoped' he wouldn't go but he made that decision.
piglet thanks for making me smile today!
bootsy I will try to stay away from fb and do nice things, thanks to you all for boosting my confidence!
Mavis she is fine about it except she would have adored being a bridesmaid something she has always wanted to do, she has accepted it,is enjoying 'our' time together and looking forward to Amsterdam, besides she has heaps of 6th form work to do.
That's ok sky but don't know what I said. Really he des sound so horrid, it ok for him to go off on holiday and enjoy himself but not op? Then rubs op face in I with his egocentric comments. Nice man! Sky you take charg of your happiness and do what makes you happy be it going on holiday or going on a nice shopping trip to buy yourself some nic things
Sooo what if people think it's tit for tat? If others perceive you as petty sooo what? I'd rather be perceived as petty than a downtrodden doormat. People can, will and do form their own judgements and perceptions of you, don't get too hung up on that, you need to put you and dd first.
Here's another spin on it, what kind of role model are you being for your dd?. If this was your dd putting herself first before her own dd and dh what advice would you be giving her? I bet you wouldn't be saying "oooooh dd best not rock the boat and book you and dg a holiday, it'll make you look petty"
How would you feel if history repeated itself and dd's marriage had the same dynamics as yours?. You need to make a stand about this, all give and no take is no good.
Here's a mantra for you to chant at dh "there is no I in team"
Exactly bootsy, Sod the lot of em, you do what you want
Well.....I've only gone and booked it!
when is he due back ? can you be on a short break somewhere then ?
Oh you rebel you - but well done. Can't bury your heads in the sand now, this is going to make you both have to discuss your feelings - not a bad thing but possibly scary - good luck!
<oops! Blown my cover after a week of lurking>
It's not petty to have a holiday with your dd.
You gave him your "blessing" to go away. Now you're going away.
Hurrah! So pleased.
Emily that made me laugh!
I was shaking as I made the booking though....
Just read the whole thread and glad to see it getting to a point where you've booked the cruise! Well done.
Yay! When do you go? Don't let him talk you into cancelling whatever you do, because I can foresee weeks of moods and sulking from him when he gets home.
Well done you niw enjoy planning for it
Hooray! Three cheers for sky!
Ooooh how exciting! A lovely cruise to look forward to
Dh is going to get home to a new you! No more complacency, no more being at the bottom of the pile for you my love and if he dares to give you any shit over this then give it to him both barrels.
I'm dead proud!
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