To think this is not going to end well?

(46 Posts)
D0oinMeCleanin Fri 22-Mar-13 16:16:15

DH has a work thing he has to go to.

I am at work. I cannot get the night off. I already asked, the other girl, my only cover is off and booked it first. This means I also cannot phone in sick, they know I wanted the night off.

DSIL is babysitting. It is Dnephews birthday, which means it is also very close to his memorial, so DSIL will understandably be feeling tender.

DD1 does not want to go to DSIL. She definitely does not want to sleep over. She wants to call a taxi to bring her home at midnight when I finish work. She will use her own pocket money. She said dd2 and Dneice bullied and excluded her last time she was there.

When dd1 does not want to do something and is made to do it anyway, she makes the whole experience hell for all involved either by tantrums or developing weird and worrying illnesses that need immediate parental attention, while she is useless at lying, in my eyes, she is excellent at turning on the water works which makes her 'illness' convincing to people who don't know her that well i.e DSIL.


How old is DD1? Any chance she could sleepover with a school friend instead?

... or is it tonight? Good luck.

LadyMaryQuiteContrary Fri 22-Mar-13 16:19:28

How old is DD1? Is there anywhere else she can go (sleepover at friends, other family members)?

rubyslippers Fri 22-Mar-13 16:19:52

ask for emergency unpaid leave from work??

can DH offer any suggestions

D0oinMeCleanin Fri 22-Mar-13 16:21:38

It is tonight. She came out of school and announced she would not be going. I only found out about it last night, so dd1 only found out this morning.

She is 9, so old enough to know better really, but in her defense she thought I was off this weekend (she got mixed up with next weekend) and had been looking forward to a girly night in with me, she doesn't see me as much as she would like to because I work evenings and weekends.

She doesn't like leaving me, she hates me working and she is very shy with people she doesn't know well. We don't see SIL often.

INeverSaidThat Fri 22-Mar-13 16:21:39

Do you have another babysitter you could use. It may be worth the cost for the pease of mind.
Hope it works out ok.

quoteunquote Fri 22-Mar-13 16:22:17

Can you explain to her that the kindest thing to do in this situation is to cooperate and be lovely to her auntie.

We all have to learn to do things that don't suit us, she will have to find a way to do this graciously at some point, ask her when she plans to do so.

SoupDreggon Fri 22-Mar-13 16:22:38

Is there any reason DD1 can't be told that sometimes you just have to put up with stuff and, whilst under normal circumstances you wouldn't make her do this, there is no other way on this occasion?

SoupDreggon Fri 22-Mar-13 16:23:18

Promise to make it up to her.

maddening Fri 22-Mar-13 16:25:05

Check out emergency childcare services - you could hire a babysitter?

LadyMaryQuiteContrary Fri 22-Mar-13 16:25:15

She needs to learn that sometimes you just have to suck things up and get on with it. We all have to do things we hate. Tell her to tell her aunt if there's any issues, you're really sorry but there's no alternative. Make an IOU evening for you and her when you're free.

Poppet48 Fri 22-Mar-13 16:25:18

Could your DSIL not babysit at your house? That way your DD may feel more comfortable about the situation.

Well yes, at 9 our kid knew some stuff was negotiable and some stuff has just got to be sucked up

She has got to suck it up, your jobs = family income, so what if she kicks off/waterworks etc. Tough. Take her nintendo, or ipad or whatever gadget. Tell SIL to ignore any complaints of illness or whatever.

magimedi Fri 22-Mar-13 16:26:02

I think that DD1 is going to have to learn the tough lesson that sometimes shit happens & you have to do things you don't like.

I would warn SIL of the illness & tears, however.

D0oinMeCleanin Fri 22-Mar-13 16:26:26

No other babysitters are available. One of my sisters has just had a baby, the other has four kids of her own and her DP is working nights so wouldn't cope and my mum is at work at 6am in the morning.

I will talk to her, of course and pray it sinks in...

I've already promised a girly night in at the earliest possible night and to have her friend over for tea before they break up for easter.

hippo123 Fri 22-Mar-13 16:28:54

She's 9, she should be old enough to understand that sometimes we have to do things we don't like. Send her.

YouTheCat Fri 22-Mar-13 16:29:09

How come your dh HAS to go to a works thing at such short notice?

Maybe dh should be sorting out something as it is him that has scuppered plans?

GreatUncleEddie Fri 22-Mar-13 16:29:54

What time does DH's thing finish? Can he leave a bit early and pick the kids up?

LadyMaryQuiteContrary Fri 22-Mar-13 16:30:37

It's just me and ds here, D0onin. I'm trying not to be mean but you can't pander to your children or it will get you nowhere. I know it's not ideal, but she needs to appreciate that you are doing your best and a little help from her will make your life far less stressful. She is going to have to get on with it. {hugs}

D0oinMeCleanin Fri 22-Mar-13 16:31:01

He doesn't have to go at short notice, he's had loads of notice, he's just utterly crap at letting me and the DC know the arrangements. He has known about this for weeks angry

YouTheCat Fri 22-Mar-13 16:32:45

Why does it have to be the dd that has to have her plans change and suck it up?

She has no control over the situation. I'm damn sure I'd be obstreperous and angry if I was in her place.

YouTheCat Fri 22-Mar-13 16:33:07

In that case, he can't go.

D0oinMeCleanin Fri 22-Mar-13 16:33:31

I don't pander to her Lady, it is not DD1 I am concerned about. DSIL is hardly going to beat her with sticks whilst making her do all the do all the chores or sleep in the coal shed and if dd2 does bully her she is old enough to go and tell an adult. Any other day and I'd tell tough but it's happening.

It's DSIL I am worried about. I don't want DD1 making this day any worse than it has to be for her.

INeverSaidThat Fri 22-Mar-13 16:33:44

I know it is hard but you must try not to show your daughter that you are feeling too guilty as she sounds a bit manipulative and may think she can get you to change your mind.
Perhaps you could give her a reminder about why you have to work. Maybe you could even show her some bank statements and bills. You could also tell her how much you would have to pay a babysitter if you can't use you DSIL.
Ie. you need to GUILT her before she GUILTS you....... smile

landofsoapandglory Fri 22-Mar-13 16:34:22

I would be telling her that she is going because at times we all have to do things we don't want to. I would, also, make it crystal clear that if she does kick off, or feign illness there will be no girly night, and her friend won't be coming for tea.

You're the adult, not her. She can't hold you to ransom like that.

Cluffyfunt Fri 22-Mar-13 16:35:08

Make dh sort it.

YouTheCat Fri 22-Mar-13 16:36:18

Woah! But what about the stupid bloody dh who has left telling anyone of these plans until the last minute? Why does he get let off the hook?

He should have sorted out child care and told people what was going on. He hasn't and so he can't go.

D0oinMeCleanin Fri 22-Mar-13 16:38:57

It is a non negotiable work think according to DH. He has to go. It's some kind of meeting thingy with suppliers of something or another and the more he shows his face at things like this, the more likely he will be remembered when it comes to promotions and/or redundancies. He has only just been given a permanent job and his workplace is facing massive cuts, so he was very lucky to get that.

MothershipG Fri 22-Mar-13 16:39:24

Carrot & stick.

Promise a treat for tomorrow if she's good and dire consequences if she isn't.

Then cross your fingers! wink

LadyMaryQuiteContrary Fri 22-Mar-13 16:39:32

The OP's DP is a new thread, YouTheCat! wink

YouTheCat Fri 22-Mar-13 16:40:42

D0oin, he needs to take responsibility for himself then.

Alibabaandthe40nappies Fri 22-Mar-13 16:42:04

Don't be too apologetic to her, it will only make her think that waterworks and fake illness are the way to go.

Her getting the weekends mixed up is unfortunate, but she wouldn't have had an evening with you anyway because you are working.

Where is DH in all this? Why isn't he agonising over the childcare?

AgentZigzag Fri 22-Mar-13 16:42:56

I agree with your first sentence INeverSaidThat, but trying to guilt a 9 YO into behaving by drawing them into the family finances is a bit far, they don't need to be worrying about how much cash you have/haven't got.

D0oinMeCleanin Fri 22-Mar-13 16:43:41

He's at work, Ali, as far as he is concerned childcare is sorted. If DD1 plays up she will be grounded all over Easter, ice Skating will be cancelled and she will not be allowed to join swim club after Easter <overkill, imo>

GreatUncleEddie Fri 22-Mar-13 16:44:27

Ok so he has to go. But why can't he leave early?

YouTheCat Fri 22-Mar-13 16:46:46

If she absolutely has to go, could you pick her up on the way back from work? And would she respond to you doing something nice together next weekend?

I don't think punishing her is the right way to go as it is the dh's fault anyway.

Make sure your dh knows that if he doesn't tell you well in advance next time, he won't be going and he can sort childcare. He's taking the piss.

D0oinMeCleanin Fri 22-Mar-13 16:47:05

He probably could leave early, but it's a free bar, so he won't.

If DD1 had ever seen the states he comes home in after free bar events, particularly as he is also feeling tender at this time of year, she would count herself lucky to be at DSIL's. I'd go there myself if I thought she's have me grin

lljkk Fri 22-Mar-13 16:47:30

I'd let the DD1 come home on her own pocket money, then. (unless you could sleep over at SIL's too, why not?, or pick the DD1 up).

I think I would tell DSIL that DD1 has some clingy issues and that's why she wants to sleep at home. If DSIL asked for details I'd say that you think she's going hormonal and it's something odd at school, shy, social, she won't fully talk about, you're letting her take her time to clarify.

It's white lies but DSIL has done nothing wrong.

In meantime you can still do appropriate sensitive things to let your DSIL know you are supporting her thru a difficult anniversary. Even your DD1 may want to join in with that. And along the way may decide why DSIL's feelings need to come first.

Make sure you've prebooked the taxi with someone you trust.

NynaevesSister Fri 22-Mar-13 16:54:39

It depends on your child of course but this would work with my son. I would tell him he has to go, there's no other choice. I would explain about DSil and why this is a tough day for her and then task her with looking after her aunt just for this evening. My son sounds like your DD1 and he responds well when given a specific clearly outlined role. Then, if you are ok with it, go with the taxi idea.

D0oinMeCleanin Fri 22-Mar-13 17:17:41

She's left, mildly happier. She found a fashion design sketch book in craft box, she'd forgotten about, so she's taken that because "it is grown up coloring in" so Dneice might play with her now. I've told SIL to ring me if she starts and I'll get one of the drivers to collect her and bring her to the shop with the last deliveries if she starts.

hermioneweasley Fri 22-Mar-13 17:28:09

D0oin - getting massively pissed at the free bar on a works do is likely to get him remembered for all the wrong reasons. He can go, network, socialise etc and then leave and pick up your DD.

I agree that work takes priority but he has cocked up here, and if he has to drive and collect his daughter he will hopefully not be drunk and embarass himself when he needs to be making a good impression.

What Mrs Weasley said. You do not get pissed in front of clients, or bosses, ever, if you want career progression.

AmberLeaf Fri 22-Mar-13 17:43:28

Glad to hear she has gone off happily.

BUT, your DH is a nobber.

He sprung it on you at the last minute knowing you would pick up his slack.

He is having a night out on the piss, if he is going to get pissed at a free bar, then it has feck all to do with making a good impression.

It is a jolly not an essential work 'thing'

CinnabarRed Fri 22-Mar-13 17:46:27

I'm sorry if this is out of line, but I seem to recall that there are ishoos with the DH - either he's got a drink problem, or he's abusive - one of the two anyhow.

BumpingFuglies Fri 22-Mar-13 18:58:11

DMC you are still going through this crap with your DH. I hope you are ok in general but I think there are going to be a few more "why are you still with him" posts.

I would love to give you a night off work and sit you down, cook you a meal and tell you how fabulous you are. Without you lifting a finger.

S'ok I'm not trying to snog you grin

CinnabarRed Fri 22-Mar-13 20:56:07

I didn't mean mine to be a LTB post. It was just bugging me that people were saying that OP should leave her H to sort childcare when he's unwilling and/or incapable - and not good enough to lick the OP's shoes.

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