To let my mother stew in her own juices

(167 Posts)
Lucyellensmum95 Thu 21-Mar-13 09:52:14

because i just don't have the energy or headspace for her bullshit anymore.

I really haven't been well myself (mh issues) and she is making it worse - i have had ENOUGH.

She had an appointment for the doctor (after i persuaded and cajoled her into it) only for her to get into a temper because she got a letter from the council tax people, she now has to pay £38 a year council tax and thinks this is disgusting because she is a "pensioner" and shouldnt have to pay anything (entitled, much?) So because of this, she refused to go to the doctor - i was feeling terrible by this time (a whole other thread which i namechanged for) so i took the appointment and was referred to the psych team.

So, she had an appointment which she just didn't turn up to (assumed that I would cancel it and sort things out, like i always do) and she rings me in a rage this morning because she tried to get an appointment today (like gold dust) and coudlnt get one - She only wants an appointment because she has run out of tablets, despite me telling her tht all she only needs to ring the chemist, but she has to do it a week in advace - ( i know i should have done this for her but have been all over the place lately, struggling to get through the day myself). Nothing i say can appease her, i tell her i have an appointment with the doctor tomorrow and i'll get her a prescription then - not good enough, "no, you stupid cow i need the tablets tomorrow" I would have got them by then - Then i decide i have had enough - i tell her that im really not well, she knows this - she knows i was at the psych yesterday - She starts screaming at me to pull myself together or they will take my DD away.

How can i pull myself together if i have to deal with her shit too - she just slammed the phone down on me telling me she will just go without her tablets - she will die without them.

AIBU to just let her get on with it? She is a grown woman, if she can't sort her tablets out herself (she is perfectly capable of making a call, surely) then i really just don't have the energy for this - i feel bad but she does this every time she can't get her own way over things - i am sick of it. I am really unwell and she just doesn't give a flying fuck.

CrapBag Thu 21-Mar-13 09:56:40

Sounds like you have run around after her for far too long and now she assumes that you will do everything for her. Call her bluff, let her go without her tablets, when she sees that you aren't getting them this time, maybe she will get on with it herself.

You have your own health to deal with and a child, as you say she is a grown woman and sounds toxic. Let her stew and come back to you. Anyone who called me a stupid cow would not be hearing back from me first.

Iamcountingto3 Thu 21-Mar-13 09:56:57

Wow, I would totally be letting her sort the tablets out herself (assuming she is physically and mentally capable?) - and I would expect an apology. If she can pick up the phone to you, she can pick up the phone to the doc/chemist - if they are important tablets, they will sort something out for her.

Sounds like you need a 'stepping back' plan so she can sort out her own issues, and you can concentrate on yourself ... what do you think?

Thingiebob Thu 21-Mar-13 09:57:39

Definitely let her stew. She is a grown woman and can sort it out herself. You need to take care of yourself and your children. She is draining you of emotional energy reserves which you desperately need.

Calling you a 'stupid cow' is horrendous on its own. Fuck her. Look after yourself.

Cluffyfunt Thu 21-Mar-13 09:57:57

Just let her get on with it.
Don't answer your phone for a couple of days.
If she's well enough to be an abusive arse over the phone to you, then she's well enough to phone her doctors surgery and sort it out.
I doubt they will leave her without medication, despite what she will claim.

I hope you feel better soon thanks

Iamcountingto3 Thu 21-Mar-13 09:58:06

PS Why should you remember a week in advance to sort out her tablets - if it's just a phone call, can't she do that?

Dawndonna Thu 21-Mar-13 10:03:00

You need to look after you. Her job, as your mother is to support you, she isn't. Feck her, get yourself well and walk away. You don't need crap like that in your life.

Lucyellensmum95 Thu 21-Mar-13 10:05:57

She has always been like this - always, she drove my dad to distraction, he had to run around like a mad thing after her. She just cannot deal with people and expects everything there and then. She IS unwell and i feel sorry for her, but she wont be helped unless its totally on her terms. The other day she wanted me to take her dog out, it was freezing cold and we had just got home from taking DD out, i was having a cup of tea to warm up. So i said i'd have a cup of tea and go and take him. I knew she wasn't happy with this "oh well, he will keep whining if i dont take him" I probably did leave it a bit long (about half hour , i can't drink scalding hot tea like some looneys do smile) and by the time i got there she had taken him herself (despite telling me she couldn't walk because she was too dizzy) Then she phoned me up and said "don't bother takin the dog out because i just let him in the garden, that will have to do now" and put the phone down on me.

She can be lovely, would give you her last penny, but then sometimes i wonder if that is how she assuages her guilt - I can count on one hand the times she has babysat for DD (she is 7), its not like she is miles away, she lives on one street - i accept this as maybe she can't cope with her but i do find it upsetting and it doesn't help me and DP that we can never go out alone, ever.

She just manages to press my buttons so easily - i ended up being shit to DP again. I

DeepRedBetty Thu 21-Mar-13 10:10:19

Wow she's absolutely awful.

OP THIS IS NOT NORMAL.

Stop enabling her to be a prima donna and put your own family first before dd starts to think toxic is normal too.

diddl Thu 21-Mar-13 10:10:23

But if she's capable, then surely it's not really doing her any favours to do stuff for her?

But I would take the dog out if necessary-for the dog's sake-not hers!

ImTooHecsyForYourParty Thu 21-Mar-13 10:10:32

Generosity can sometimes be not actual generosity but manipulation. It's worth remembering that.

It's also worth remembering that with such people it is better to never ask anything from them, because they will use it as a stick to beat you with!

And yes, let her deal with her own stuff. You are NOT responsible for her. Withdraw. Deal with your own stuff. She has a choice, she can begin to behave like a reasonable human being or she can try to manage without the help you give her. She treats you like this because she can.

you could always alert social services, if you feel that she needs help. But there is no reason why you have to continue to take this at the expense of your own mental health.

Iamcountingto3 Thu 21-Mar-13 10:14:28

Has anyone ever stood up to her, then, Lucyellensmum? It sounds like she is used to being able to boss people around, and has forgotten that you are doing HER a favour, and she should be grateful. I think that waiting 30 mins for someone to walk your dog (on a horrid cold day) is really not a big ask. Imagine you were asking your mum to look after your dd for half an hour whilst you popped out - and she said, "ok, I'll just finish my tea and come over". Would you be grumpy if that took her 30 mins? Would I behave like that to MY dd is always a good test of whether you're being reasonable. I bet you wouldn't.

Sounds like you're seeing a psych - have you talked to them about your mum at all?

CrapBag Thu 21-Mar-13 10:16:33

She sounds very manipulative. She can do things, she just doesn't want to and wants you to run around after her. Don't do it. She will soon learn that you are not at her beck and call.

flippinada Thu 21-Mar-13 10:20:44

She sounds bloody awful. YANBU.

Just think if she really does door without her tablets, at least you won't have to deal with her any more <black humour>.

flippinada Thu 21-Mar-13 10:21:06

Die, not door!

MixedClassBaby Thu 21-Mar-13 10:23:42

She sounds like my DM in so many ways. It's taken years but I've finally started withdrawing when she behaves badly to leave her to it. Difficult and I've found she leaves it a week or so then gets in touch as if nothing happened (never an apology!). When I mention the 'crisis' that sent her into orbit, she plays it down. It's given me the confidence to pull back in other ways e.g. not engage emotionally as this gives her ammo when she's in a dark mood. My DM has never babysat although she lives in the same town, I wouldn't even ask her now. Good luck OP, you don't have to put up with being treated like crap and she'll manage.

YouTheCat Thu 21-Mar-13 10:25:44

Stop enabling her crappy behaviour. She's a grown up and can take responsibility for herself.

Just look after yourself and your family.

Lucyellensmum95 Thu 21-Mar-13 10:27:38

yes - although not too much detail, she doesn't get it - she sees it as a weakness

The problem is, if i DO leave her to stew and she doesn't get her tablets it really is dangerous, she KNEW she had to get her tablets last week so i said, oh well we could put the prescription in, but you should see the doctor and got her an appointment. I sat on the phone for 15 minutes while i should have been getting DD ready for school and made myself late, for an appointment she refused to go to because she got into a strop about the council tax. I had to deal with all of her benefits shit too - she was overpaid (it was their mistake not hers) and i fought them tooth and nail so she didn't have to pay it back - i kept it from her as i knew it would just be a barrel of shit, i was dealing with DWP on the phone, threatening to tae her to court etc, I had to deal with all that crap - then they did back down and didn't take the pay back (it really was their fault but i had to fiht to prove it - they wanted about £20k in benefits back!) They of coures stopped the benefit (something to do with the fact my dad had a pension and they hadn't accounted for it, even though my mum told them about hte pension) Anyway, when they stopped the benefits - who got it in the neck? yep, me - she didn't know the months of stress i had had, and she STILL throws it back in my face - it meant a loss of about £10 per week ffs, she gets enough money and now because that went she has to pay £38 a YEAR council tax - again, my fault hmm and the reason she stropped and woulnt go to the dr it her way of manipulating me - because she knows i will beg and plead with her to keep appointments etc.

DP has taken loads of time off work to take her to appointments - i have struggled and lost time on my own work too to take her. But always it involves the who carousel of "im not going" right up until the last minute when i have to beg her to go.

I am an only child, its just me - so its not like i have anyone to offload on. My eldest DD used to do loads for her, but stopped visiting because every time she went there she had a list of stuff for her to do and moan if she didn't turn up etc. DD has moved away now and works full time (lucky cow) so can't do it.

Lucyellensmum95 Thu 21-Mar-13 10:28:13

flippinada grin

doctorhamster Thu 21-Mar-13 10:29:27

Your mother is a grade one bitch and you don't deserve to be spoken to like that.

Absolutely leave her to it.

diddl Thu 21-Mar-13 10:30:54

But you can only be manipulated if you let it happen.

If she won't go to an appointment/get necessary tablets because she's in a strop-& is endangering her health-well, that's just not right tbh.

TumbleWeeds Thu 21-Mar-13 10:37:06

Errr just leave her.
She wanted you to take the dog out but was clearly able to deal with the situation herself when you took your time.
Also leave her deal with her problems. Serioulsy, it's easy to have a go at people for £10 a mointh (or £38 a year...) when you haven't been the one to stressed out because you could end up paying £20k (And if it had been the case, I am sure she would have seen it as your fault too).

Just stop accommodating her.

If she is ill and her tablets makes her feel better, she will take responsibility to have them. It's her problem, her issues.

Please don't think you are the one responsible to see if she has an appointment with the GO, has enough tablets etc... Just STOP. Stop treating her as if she was a child, and a tantruming one too. An let her take her won responsibilities.

TumbleWeeds Thu 21-Mar-13 10:38:50

Oh btw, if not having the tablets is really endangering her health, then perhaps it is time for her to ensure she always have some with her.

When people are getting older,they do forget and might need reminding. But that's not what is happening there. She is taking you for a ride.

ImTooHecsyForYourParty Thu 21-Mar-13 10:41:31

Do you actually think she will allow harm to come to herself?

No. she won't. She is playing a game of chicken with you.

If it comes right down to it, and you say no more, and she believes you, then she will get it sorted herself.

At the moment she knows that you will cave, even if it's the last minute.

You don't HAVE to organise everything for her. You don't HAVE to.

You need to change the way you think. It is not your job to sort everything out for her.

That isn't to say people can't or don't do that for relatives that need them. They do. And that's a good thing. BUT NOT when that relative is toxic and abusing them. In those cases - you need to walk away.

flippinada Thu 21-Mar-13 10:46:10

I agree that you should just leave her to it, while recognising at the sane time that it's much easier said than done.

I wouldn't mind betting that a lot of your issues with anxiety and stress are related to your mother.

And as for the comment about taking your DD away, how vile. What kind of a mother would say that to her own daughter. If they took children away from mums who are anxious and suffer from stress/depression...well, nobody would be with their mums, iyswim.

DeepRedBetty Thu 21-Mar-13 10:48:02

You don't have to do any of this. If you don't do it, she will have to do it herself. I honestly doubt she will allow herself to die.

This level of support she is demanding is way beyond normal.

I agree just leave her. You are enabling her to behave in this appalling way (not blaming you for that - she's clearly toxic).

Just say 'sorry mum can't sort it out for you now, whether you call me names or not, I haven't got the energy you'll have to do it'. Then leave it. If you refuse she'll HAVE to take some responsibility for herself. She sounds a bloody nightmare tbh.

Or don't say anything. Get caller display for your landline and just don't answer her calls when she's behaving badly.

DeepRedBetty Thu 21-Mar-13 10:50:01

xposted with Hecate who as usual has put it beautifully.

And yy to flippinada, the taking your dd away comment is untrue spiteful balls.

BlackMaryJanes Thu 21-Mar-13 10:53:26

YANBU for leaving her to it.

You have been enabling her for too long.

As for her bullying you with the "they will take DD away" remark - how dare she! What a horrid individual. No wonder you have MH issues with her for a mother. Have you considered going no contact for a significant period of time?

Lucyellensmum95 Thu 21-Mar-13 10:58:04

angryangryangry she just fucking turned up, threw £20 at me "for taking the dog out the other day" (this was another day after the time she fucked of out wiht him) and then told me the reason she diddn't go to the doctor the other day was because she didn't think I was well enough (never mind that it made me worse!). I could barely talk to her - i asked what she was going to do about her tablets and she said the doctor was ringing her (changed her tune) and then THEN said "oh i don't know what im goin to do about the dog" "i cant walk him anymore" i just told her to get rid of him (she wont!) but she said "yeah, i'll have to do that" then left - parting shot "i wont bother you again"

WAs so tempted to say Fucking good! Of course now i feel bad sad

You are right though, i need to let her deal with her own shit she IS capable

I am exhausted

Crinkle77 Thu 21-Mar-13 10:59:41

Yes let her stew. Is she really that stubborn that she would rather die than sort out her tablets herself?

ImTooHecsyForYourParty Thu 21-Mar-13 11:03:39

Don't feel bad.

She's scared. She senses that the worm is about to turn and she's upping the ante.

If this doesn't work, I predict she will have some sort of health crisis. Or perhaps turn on the tears and show you a vulnerable side.

you are as trapped in this as you allow yourself to be.

It's ok to remove yourself, Lucyellensmum. I promise you that it's ok. xx

SneakyNinja Thu 21-Mar-13 11:06:36

That's sorted then Op, no more worry for you! grin

IAmNotAMindReader Thu 21-Mar-13 11:06:42

She's trying to leay the guilt on you to fall back into line.
When you feel up to it look on the Stately homes thread particularly about the cycle of FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt).
she has proven now that she is capeable of looking after all her own needs she just prefers to get others to do it for her by any means neccessary.
You need to concentrate on yourself now, step back from her and let her make any moves, if she behaves badly (manupilative, tantrums, verbally abusive, put downs) step back from her.

You are perfectly entitled to take time out to make yourself better, she can do these things herself she just wants you to do them and will bring all the tricks out to pressure you into falling back into line. Try not to feel guilty it just means she is trying to reimpose the status quo. Remember each time she does this that she is capeable she just choses to get others to do it.

If she really had compassion for you she would be asking what she could do to help or at least stepping back and not imposing on you. Instead she is trying to pry to spotlight of attention (yours) away form you and back to herself by behaving badly. Keep concentrating on doing what you need to make yourself better, she may make a song and dance about it but she can cope.

flippinada Thu 21-Mar-13 11:08:31

Hecate is spot on, and I agree entirely that is ok to remove yourself.

She sounds like pure poison.

AudrinaAdare Thu 21-Mar-13 11:09:57

Jesus, she sounds awful. Didn't elder DD live with her at one point? It just goes to show if she has now stopped even visiting shock

Lucyellensmum95 Thu 21-Mar-13 11:19:49

Audrina, yes she did, ages ago - and then spent an awful lot of time then when she moved in with her DP. My mum isn't a total bitch she is just a spoilt brat!

I feel so sorry for my mum (now that i've calmed down) but can't help but wonder if actually i should make her look out for herself a bit more - as enabling this sort of behaviour might not be doing her any good anyway.

I think i tend to be a bit of a control freak too - go to the doctors with her, speak for her etc etc. Im probably just as much to blame.

Funnily enough my DP came to my psychiatric assesment yesterday and kept talking for me - the shrink politely asked if i would feel better without DP in the room, i said no he can stay, and within five minutes said "actually you need to piss off out and let me answer the questions myself" god knows what the shrink thought blush he kept saying "no, it ok i wont say anymore" in the end i just said, "look, just fuck off will you" - i did notice the shrink smirking away to herself grin poor DP lol he got over it and has been amazing this past few weeks

adeucalione Thu 21-Mar-13 11:20:14

The way she treats you, and speaks to you, is awful. I agree with everyone who has said that you should leave her to it. Look after your own health, and your own family. She needs you more than you need her, so you are in the stronger position here, please don't allow this crap to continue.

TumbleWeeds Thu 21-Mar-13 11:25:27

Agree with you enabling her.

And yes it can be hard not to step in as your DP did because you have the impression that you know better than the person what is going on (and yes as the patient, it can be sometimes quite hard to 'see' what is going on, esp moods for example).
BUT there is more it with your mum isn't there? She is asking you to be there for her whenever she feels like it. That's a different ball park.

And yes she will probably feel better being more independent anyway.

Don't feel guilty, think that she isn't a complete bitch etc... and go back to behave in the same way. Decide what you are or aren't happy to do, behaviours from her that you are or aren't happy to accept. Set up your boundaries and then, Be nice but assertive telling your mum about them.

MixedClassBaby Thu 21-Mar-13 11:33:39

In case you're not aware of it, can I recommend the 'stately homes' thread in relationships? Sorry if someone's mentioned it already. So much good advice on there on dealing with toxic parents. I've never posted on it but have lurked and learned much.

BlackMaryJanes Thu 21-Mar-13 11:38:17

She senses that the worm is about to turn and she's upping the ante

Couldn't agree more. OP I've been in this situation. Expect a few more weeks of crap and then it will stop.

And then, it will be bliss, I assure you.

Yfronts Thu 21-Mar-13 11:46:16

can you tell your mother that the shrink told you to let mum take more responsibility for herself. and that you were to stop running around after others and concentrate on yourself and recovering. Start saying no.

Marney Thu 21-Mar-13 12:33:36

I cleaned my mothers house for hours a few days ago well days realy then she told me basically ive always been useless and not to come back shes 82 and cleaning is the one thing im good at but i always keep trying because shes my mum realy sorry for anyone who has a mum who i cant even think how to put it anyone who has a mum they cant relate to or please i guess good luck leave her to it if u can ive not been able to

somewhereaclockisticking Thu 21-Mar-13 12:38:16

"pull yourself together" - yes I suggest that's exactly what she does - she's a grown woman and cannot expect someone else to run around after her whether that person is ill or not. You have enough on your plate by the sounds of it and need to take care of yourself. I'm sure she'll make you feel guilty but don't. As others have said - she is probably the cause of your issues so with some space from her you stand a better chance of getting better.

Pandemoniaa Thu 21-Mar-13 12:53:37

It often occurs to me that manipulative people like your DM are behaving like tempestuous toddlers. Except that toddlers can be much more reasonable. However, both need clear boundaries and manipulative adults almost always behave more and more badly until finally, someone either steps in and firmly refuses to play their games OR get so ground down that their own health suffers.

You owe it to yourself not to let her do this to you. Her demands are ridiculous and unreasonable and yes, now is the time to step back even though this will be difficult. She's an adult and responsible for her own health. I'm willing to bet she is perfectly capable of sorting her own tablets but if she doesn't that's not your responsibility nor your fault.

Let her stew in her own juices and, if you feel up to it, tell her that things are changing and she has the choice of liking it or lumping it.

DesperatelySeekingSedatives Thu 21-Mar-13 12:57:18

YANBU you need to take care of you and your DC first and foremost. Let your mother sort out her own meds she knows how to. Also why the fuck should she get away with speaking to you the way she has? If you were a carer and she was a client I'm pretty sure you wouldnt be expected to put up with this treatment.

Coffeenowplease Thu 21-Mar-13 13:00:13

I would suggest you come over to the Stately Homes thread on relationships. Lots of understanding there.

SkinnybitchWannabe Thu 21-Mar-13 13:59:13

I think you should distance yourself from her.
My sil used to do everything for her m&d, cooked lunch and dinner every single day. Took her shopping, did washing, banking...everything. all whilst raising her own 4 adopted children and working.
She never ever got a thankyou and one day the s* hit the fan and my mil called my niece all the names under the sun...even said my dn is rotten so thats why her birth mother didnt want her.
This happened 6 months ago and my sil cut all ties from her M and it says its the best thing shes ever done.

SkinnybitchWannabe Thu 21-Mar-13 13:59:50

She not it!

This sounds exactly like my mother.

The only way I can deal with it is to totally withdraw - no contact and no running to help. I've had lots of counselling thats helped me see what a toxic person she is and also gave me ways to deal with the hurt and anger.

I was someone who always tried to please and the more I did the worse she got. Everyones breaking point comes and it sounds like yours has.

Dont try and explain things to her tho as she'll not understand. Just take a deep breath and close the door - physically and mentally.

ElliesWellies Thu 21-Mar-13 14:14:35

The problem is, you're stuck in a pattern that you've probably been in for your whole life.

Listen to all these outside perspectives - her behaviour is not normal. If you keep on enabling her, she will just keep doing it, and the only way out of it is to call her bluff.

She hardly sounds like a helpless little old lady who genuinely can't manage to get her medicines organised.

CrapBag Thu 21-Mar-13 16:39:59

Trust us, she REALLY knows what she is doing. Dont feel sorry for her. She is having a tantrum to get you to come running as usual. Unfortunately you havne't helped her in the past by running around after her, so change it now.

She won't die, she wouldn't let that happen, just another tantrum. I'd rather deal with toddlers anyday than this! At least they grow out of it. smile

Lucyellensmum95 Thu 21-Mar-13 18:33:30

She just rang - nice as pie - would my DP mind going to put something in the loft for her. You know, like a NORMAL person would ask. No guilt trips of "oh, i have this box but i can't get it up the loft, oh i suppose i could pay so and so to do it" when my dp more than happy to help. She clearly knows i am fucked off and trying to build bridges. As tempting as it was to tell her to fuck off to the far side of fuck i sent my poor, put upon DP round to do it for her. He wasn't best pleased but anything for a bit of peace. I have a Drs appointment in the morning so if she hasn't got a prescription i can get it for her.

I am not bending though, anymore bullshit and it will be ignore ignore ignore. I just don't have the energy.

Molehillmountain Thu 21-Mar-13 18:52:54

Do leave her to it, op. I have had to do similar with my own dm. I figured there was no point me losing my own mental health trying to help her with hers, when thirty years of treatment had had little success. Seeing her every now and then she has memories of nice lunches with us rather than of big rows.

LineRunner Thu 21-Mar-13 19:07:15

Lucyellen, it sounds truly awful.

I think you do need a strategy for this, though. You didn't leave her to stew - don't blame you, it's so stressful - but you have ended up being put upon again (or your DP has by default).

Hissy Thu 21-Mar-13 19:13:58

No!

Don't you DARE get the prescription.

And don't EVER send DP around again. In fact, screen your calls, be OUT.

We helped a Mumsnetter free herself from an entitled and overbearing mother in Spain earlier this year, she's never been happier.

Stately Homes for you girl, and no more errands.

Got that? ;-)

Hissy Thu 21-Mar-13 19:15:33

The fear you feel at the idea of NOT doing her bidding is irrational childhood fear. It's not real.

Would you let someone else treat you like this?

What does your DP say?

Talkinpeace Thu 21-Mar-13 19:16:14

would my DP mind going to put something in the loft for her. You know, like a NORMAL person would ask
No, that is NOT normal.
A normal polite person would wait until you were there anyway and offering to help with stuff and then ask.
A normal person would never ask somebody to go round to do something so trivial and non time essential.

I have a Drs appointment in the morning so if she hasn't got a prescription i can get it for her.
Why?
Are you her registered guardian?
She wants the darned pills she can get them.
Grow a backbone.

ImTooHecsyForYourParty Thu 21-Mar-13 19:17:13

She isn't trying to build bridges.

She's trying to get you back where (she feels) you belong.

And you played right into her hands. sad

Post your bloody spiders through her letter box and move to Manchester or something. grin

TumbleWeeds Thu 21-Mar-13 19:25:15

Don't take the prescription for her.
Don't send your DP to your mum to help. I am sure it could have waited a day or two, when it would have been more convenient for you to do it.
I would have dare asking a family member to come now to put a box in the loft. It's not because she didn't guilt trip you to do so that iot is OK.
It does show you that she can ask wo the guilt trip (so she was playing up all along!)

stephrick Thu 21-Mar-13 19:25:21

has she always been like this or is this a new thing

Lucyellensmum95 Thu 21-Mar-13 19:39:02

hmm she didn't want DP to put anything in the loft at all - she wanted to moan at him because the doctor said that her tablets would be delivered for her today and they wasn't - FFS, so why when it got to about 4 did she not bloody ring the chemists and ask if they were coming? but then perhaps she was out because we bumped into her earlier on with bags of shopping that she bought from the pet shop two miles from her fucking house. I am now in the dog house with DP as well - i fucking give up. Apparently she didn't want to tell me about the tablets and told DP not to tell me, so that i didn't worry - fuck off did she!!!! I feel such a mug

ImTooHecsyForYourParty Thu 21-Mar-13 19:42:44

I am not surprised by her behaviour.

I am surprised that you didn't see this coming.

You have got to accept who your mother is and stop wishing for a reasonable person. That's not who she is.

You are going to have to step back and stop trying to keep her sweet and stop making everything your responsibility.

Talkinpeace Thu 21-Mar-13 19:44:00

GROW A BACKBONE.
Get an answerphone - intercept all her calls.
ONLY go round at prearranged times.
Live your lives, not hers.
You are being her willing victim.
Only YOU can make it stop.

Lucyellensmum95 Thu 21-Mar-13 19:45:44

I just want a quiet life - i have so many of my own problems now, i don't have time for her shit i am going to take myself off somewhere tomorrrow (god knows where!) but somewhere totally on my own - then no fucker will be able to mess with my head!

ImTooHecsyForYourParty Thu 21-Mar-13 19:47:00

A quiet life isn't going to fall out of the sky and wrap itself around you.

Sadly. grin

You are going to have to change your behaviour in order to get it - because you can't change her. You can only change you.

ComposHat Thu 21-Mar-13 19:51:27

My Gran tried this with my mother for two years doing the 'helpless little old lady' act and very nearly drove my mum into an early grave. Me and my sister had to get her to stop agreeing to her every request - she drove 15 miles to change TV channels for her. I think my mum had the blinkers on to such an extent that she started having a go at my Dad for refusing to go and change TV channels for her. They were getting 20 plus calls a day asking them to come round to perform minor tasks that she was completely capable of doing herself.

Having let the situation morph into an all female Steptoe and Son, now she has a set day of the week when she sees her and will screen her calls on the answerphone first. She is happier and bizzarely so is my Gran who is used to having a routine, so when she does the laboured breathing 'When are you coming to see me' act, she gets a concrete answer.

Talkinpeace Thu 21-Mar-13 19:51:31

On the 5:2 diet threads are lots of newcomers who realise after their first fast that actually they control food, not it them.

You have to do the same with your MIL.
Both you and DP have to have "MiL fasting days" - when you have no contact or communication with her.
Start tomorrow.
Ignore her messages, ignore her calls, ignore her. She can wait 24 hours.

LineRunner Thu 21-Mar-13 20:00:04

... to change TV channels for her

That was one of the defining moments of my relationship with my mother.

At the time she was the same age as I am now. 50.

Lucyellensmum95 Thu 21-Mar-13 20:08:52

I have had to drop everything to sort her TV out for her too blush thankfully (or not) she only lives around the corner. I swear, im "running away" tomorrow - but haven't a clue where to go, cos i have no money and its cold.

DoeEyedBeauties Thu 21-Mar-13 20:12:22

You are not alone!

Not sure if it has been said before, but it is worth having a look at Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers support group. The melodramatic tantrums sound all too familiar.

The only way to deal with NM (mine included) is Boundries, Identity and more Boundries. (but in my case had to go completely NC).

You are a grown woman, but yet she treats you like a child, like a possesion, like she is you and expects you to do what she would do (because she cannot understand your needs would be different from hers).

I never fully appreciated just how much my mother head-fucked me until I lived a normal life that was only normal once she was out of it. Councelling and distance has made all the difference.

One thing to note if it turns out she is a NM, they will never change. Never. It is part of their illness. They will never realize there is something wrong with them. You just have to protect your identity, your individuality, your self-respect because her opinion of you will never change no matter how hard you try.

Good luck and stay strong (because you are!).

Lucyellensmum95 Thu 21-Mar-13 20:30:03

DoeEyedBeauties - i totally get that. She has never ever been proud of me - i remember when i was in primary school and we had to do some sort of collage thing - i made some sort of swan thing out of fluffy material, i was really proud of it - but she changed it for one she had made and made me take that to school instead - i will never forget it, i remember the teacher making some sort of sarcastic comment about childrens parents doing their artwork - i was mortified. She has never EVER in her whole life apologised for anything. It is ridiculous - im 42 years old, with a PhD yet my mother makes me feel about 10!

Its interesting bacause i am now starting to question if my not inconsierable self esteem issues stem from this? But she was a good mother - the problem is, i have never really felt good enough as a daughter and now, i don't feel good enough for anything really. I have zero confidence, despite being loud and brash (over compensating)

flippinada Thu 21-Mar-13 20:38:49

LEM one thing that shines through in your posts is your marvellous sense of humour, personal warmth and resilience..and on top of that I see you have a PhD. Wow! I don't think I could manage that.

You are very quick to put yourself down , please don't. You sound lovely.

Your mum is yanking your chain big time. That's not your fault because you are conditioned to run round after her and it's hard to stop doing it.

I understand that you probably don't want to cut her out but how about working on putting some boundaries in place?

ChasedByBees Thu 21-Mar-13 20:42:08

I can't believe you sent your DP round to put something in her loft.

Even if she was a normal mum who didn't expect you to be there for her every whim, putting something in a loft is a non urgent task. Why would you send your DP round when he wants to rest? It doesn't matter how nicely she asks, you don't have to jump to her every request.

Don't you dare get her prescription tomorrow either. Don't have any involvement whatsoever in her medication. She's playing you. She's very capable and you are just hurting yourself - and to a lesser extent her - by doing everything for her. She can cope. She'll try guilt, shouting, reasonableness, the works but don't give in.

ChasedByBees Thu 21-Mar-13 20:43:39

X posts. She doesn't sound like a good mother. She really doesn't.

DoeEyedBeauties Thu 21-Mar-13 20:46:23

She may have appeared to be a good mother (other people may have said she was or she even told you herself) but if you don't feel good enough as a daughter, it is because she taught you that and that doesn't make for a good mother does it?

Imagine making your daughter feel the way you do. It would make you feel bad wouldn't it, knowing you were causing your daughter discomfort and sadness. NM don't have the capability for empathy.

The swan example is quite typical of a NM 'facade' of over-projecting (that you are her are one and the same).

And they will never say sorry for anything! Because that means then that they are wrong, which they never are in their mind. Even when 20 people tell them they are, they just get their bristles up and start lashing out at others. Cue melodramatic raging.

I had terrible self-esteem issues too. Until I disconnected gradually and then went NC. Only once her poison was dispersed could I begin to heal myself.

I felt guilty for some time after going NC as I thought I was a horrible daughter. But then I just realized that the mother I always wanted and needed didn't exist and never would.

I mourned for that much as I would her death. It gave me peace and I have never been happier.

ComposHat Thu 21-Mar-13 21:30:12

Stew in her juices OP? From what you've said I'd make a big vat of Red Wine sauce and stew her in that instead.

diddl Fri 22-Mar-13 07:20:52

I agree that she's not a good mother if she's never been proud of you.

My MIL still harps on about the fact that my husband didn't go to grammar school.

The small respect for her just disappeared that day.

I mean-to be disappointed is bad enough-to express it to someone-quite another.

InSearchOfPerfection Fri 22-Mar-13 13:06:29

Well if she never made you feel good about yourself and actually made you feel very small and not good enough, then she wasn't a'good' mother tbh.

A mother is one that will cherish you for what you are not to compare you to some sort of ideal that you have to comply with.

Sazzle41 Fri 22-Mar-13 14:08:53

Its passive aggressive emotional manipulation. Remain calm, limit your chats to other topics. Any time she tries to go down that route, you say , well you are an adult so you don't need another adult managing your life so lets discuss so and so. If she won't, you just say I have to go now, lets talk another time. Don't argue, don't negotiate or justify ... then leave. She wont fall apart and she will stop being so clingy and manipulative if she sees it means abrupt end of contact.

The dynamic between you is toxic and you are both fueling it and enabling it. Its so hard, i know exactly how you feel. Its very, very hard to be the daughter in that respect because you feel you are in a less powerful position because of your 'daughter' role. You really aren't because you aren't in denial and you know there is a problem here. Good luck.

ImTooHecsyForYourParty Fri 22-Mar-13 18:09:43

In what way was she a good mother?

Or is it possible you have simply been conditioned to believe that she was a good mother?

What does a good mother do? Love you, care for and about you, be proud of you, support you, protect you, guide you...

Is that who she was for you?

Talkinpeace Fri 22-Mar-13 18:54:53

OP
How did your MiL "Fast Day" go?

Lucyellensmum95 Fri 22-Mar-13 19:16:15

DP sorted out the prescription - to be fair, my mother turned up at the chemist to fetch it, just as DP went over to get mine (i was doing something with DDs schoool so he fetched mine) and it turned out that the doctors hadn't sorted it. DP managed to get it sorted though, no drama - i just left them to it. She is being ok today - well, i haven't really heard from her. I phoned on some pretext of seeing if she wanted something from the town - but kept it brief. She didn't want anything - she actually admitted to DP last night that she knew she was difficult - that was an absolute first i can tell you, i think she realised i had come to the end of my rope. Til next time smile

Hissy Fri 22-Mar-13 19:28:52

Erm, why did your DP get involved at all with her prescription?

The comment is, oh right, got to go, LEM's waiting for me.

I know this stuff Is hard, but you're both enabling her. Please come over to Stately Homes?

Talkinpeace Fri 22-Mar-13 19:29:37

Lucyellen
Good to hear from you.
Be ready to have a "fast" any day you need it.
DH and I have always lived over 100 miles from either of our parents, but friends do the local thing. Not my scene, BUT you have to set rules.
You have just taken the first step and its NEVER too late.
Good luck

and remember that until you are their legally appointed guardian, it is NOT your problem - no matter what they say wink

Lucyellensmum95 Fri 22-Mar-13 19:42:47

Hissy, to be fair it was pure co-incidence, she came out of the chemist as he went in. Told him what happened and he went and sorted it out. By far the best option.

I have seen that stately homes thread, but i am a bit unsure - i do love my mum even though she is a bastard sometimes

SoftKittyWarmKitty Fri 22-Mar-13 21:22:06

Your DP didn't need to sort out a grown woman's prescription. Why was that the best option? Best option for who?

And why did you ring her on some pretext? Again, there was no need.

She's clearly got you both by the short and curlies, and she knows it. Stop chasing after her. Stop pandering to her. Stop being her slave.

I've read/been on some of your other threads and you've got enough on your plate. Just back off and leave her get on with her life. She'll cope.

ComposHat Fri 22-Mar-13 21:31:49

DH and I have always lived over 100 miles from either of our parents

Having seen how my mum and dad have got lumbered (with both of my grandmothers, who were took over their lives for different reasons.) I'd be loathe to move close by as they started to deteriorate. My mum has urged us to not to do what she did.

ComposHat Fri 22-Mar-13 21:40:02

she is being ok today - well, i haven't really heard from her. I phoned on some pretext of seeing if she wanted something from the town - but kept it brief. She didn't want anything - she actually admitted to DP last night that she knew she was difficult

Just read that back to yourself OP

That doesn't sound like a mother/daughter relationship.

That sounds like a primitive, yet wrothful god that must be appeased at all costs and that you are thankful because, for reasons unknown she is having a day when she isn't a complete douche.

I got to the stage with my mum when I had to tell her that it will get to the stage when my Gran will be throwing the first handful of dirt onto her coffin if it continued any longer (she has sky high blood pressure at the very best of times) and the only thing my Gran would grieve would be that the person who ran, fetched, carried and attended to her every whim wasn't there any more, rather than the death of her own daughter.

It worked.

Casserole Fri 22-Mar-13 21:50:09

Why did you ring her today???

I think you need to be honest with yourself about what you want out of this.

Hissy Fri 22-Mar-13 23:10:58

She rang because the thought of not doing so made her sick to her stomach.

Stately Home is where you do need to be my love. It's not about physical abuse, it's about unhealthy dynamics, guilt trip, power, control, manipulation. Yes and name calling.

This is your life, and sadly you are making it DP's too.

Fast now. Take a break, talk to us, tell us how you feel, and we'll walk through it all with you.

ChasedByBees Sat 23-Mar-13 08:20:42

I think you should take Hissy's advice, this isn't a normal relationship by any stretch of the imagination. I really don't understand why you have a compulsion to do everything for her. You say you're ill, I really think this will be massively contributing. sad

ChasedByBees Sat 23-Mar-13 08:28:31

PS I didn't mean to sound like I doubt you're ill, I don't doubt that at all.

NynaevesSister Sat 23-Mar-13 08:33:57

If you can't just leave the tablets then set a timetable for yourself to call the chemist at regular intervals to order more. Then I would stop dealing with everything else. Disengage and focus on yourself. Just because you are an only child doesn't mean you have to deal with all this when your own well being is at risk. Call social services, explain your mother cannot look after her health and you are too ill at the moment to do so. You need respite.

zirca Sat 23-Mar-13 08:56:32

Well it's obvious where the root of your mh issues come from - HER! That is horrendous. My mum used to try the emotional blackmail thing to get her own way - the best thing is to refuse to engage. Your mum is perfectly able to sort her own problems out - let her!

NynaevesSister Sat 23-Mar-13 09:22:56

Oh what Hissy said!

MixedClassBaby Sat 23-Mar-13 10:33:51

Just responding to something you said upthread, op. I love my mum too but have still found the stately homes thread very useful and supportive in helping me to disengage from her bullshit. Our relationship is much healthier now and -
I don't fret about it nearly as much. She'll never be the mother I want but I can manage what I've got with reduced contact and more awareness. And I guess this is a good point to thank the stately homes contributors for their help. Like I said earlier, I've never actually posted on it.

Lucyellensmum95 Sat 23-Mar-13 10:45:59

Link?

Lucyellensmum95 Sat 23-Mar-13 10:48:20

Ive seen that thread but didn't think it was about this sort of thing rather about abuse

DontmindifIdo Sat 23-Mar-13 11:05:34

I think you need to step back - for yourself and for her. Don't ring, just don't. I know it's hard, you're used to being needed by her, but sit down with your DP and agree that you are going to step back and force her to be an adult. You have enough to deal with.

Perhaps it's worth you reminding yourself, other than physical things (like putting stuff in the loft etc) there is nothing she could ask you to do that she is incapable of doing herself. If you can work it out, she can work it out if she just made the effort too. If you can talk to people to sort something, she can also talk to them - but she doesn't have to because she makes a fuss and someone else will sort the details. Ask yourself why you don't believe she can do these things when you are capable? Is it just that she never has? The first time you had to sort tablets/deal with benefits agencies/talk to professionals/sort a piece of technology, did you know in advance how to sort it or did you just get on with it? Why is she incapable when you are?

Other thing is worth thinking about is what you get from this? You seem reluctant to step back (as calling her yesterday shows) do you like being needed by her? do'nt answer now, but imagine if she didn't call, if she did just find someone else to help her, how would you feel about that? If you would be happy for her to find other ways to sort herself out, then you must be strong. Talk to your DP, agree what your plan of action is. It's ok to leave her. Believe me, she will learn to cope, just think if you will be happy for htat to happen.

Lucyellensmum95 Sat 23-Mar-13 11:20:51

If dp had lets her sort out pills then she's would be shitty to the reception folk. think catherine tate.s nanna. She's just rung and dp offered to take her shopping thankfully we just have a list she's seems on her best behaviour

Talkinpeace Sat 23-Mar-13 11:30:06

then let her be shitty at them and get barred
every action has a reaction
time she learned that

flippinada Sat 23-Mar-13 11:53:28

I know it's tough and you've been conditioned to say "how high?" when she says "jump", but she needs to face the consequences of her actions, and you need a rest.

All this giving in for the sake of an easy life - well, to be honest, it's not easy on you is it? In fact it's exactly the opposite.

flippinada Sat 23-Mar-13 11:58:33

I also suspect, if you put some strong boundaries in place - and again I appreciate this is far harder to do than say - that you would find your issues with anxiety and stress would significantly improve.

diddl Sat 23-Mar-13 12:01:56

Do you know for a fact that she would be "shitty" to the receptionists?

Unless you have witnessed it, I seriously doubt that she is as rude to others as she is to you!

DontmindifIdo Sat 23-Mar-13 12:08:18

So what if she gets shitty, how does that affect you? why is that your problem? She will find it doesn't work, she'll not get what she wants, in order to get what she wants, she'll have to learn not to treat people like that. Right now, she can be shitty with staff because you will fix it for her. Let her be shitty.

keep telling yourself, if you can do it, she can do it. She's not a different species, she's an adult too.

It might do her the world of good to be forced to sort out problems she has created.

ImTooHecsyForYourParty Sat 23-Mar-13 12:14:25

You still don't seem to be able to separate her from you. Its not your job to protect her from the consequences of her actions. You don't have to act as a buffer. It is not up to you to ensure things run smoothly for her.
I feel like you have been utterly brainwashed and no matter what anyone says, you are powerless to break your conditioning.
You can make a different choice, if you want to.

SoftKittyWarmKitty Sat 23-Mar-13 12:20:46

Sadly, I don't think you're taking much notice of any of the advice on this thread sad. It seems to be business as usual and the problem with that is she'll be back to her usual bossy, manipulative self as soon as she's certain you're back under her thumb again.

Why not let your DP read through the thread, see what his thoughts are and talk through it all, then make a plan to start stepping back?

diddl Sat 23-Mar-13 12:27:35

It might be a start if the husband at least stopped doing anything!

DoeEyedBeauties Sat 23-Mar-13 12:36:23

It's scary, isn't it. Admitting while you feel obligated to love your mother, you don't actually like her.

That right there causes anxiety, something which you are trying to avoid, understandably.

If nothing changes from you then Nothing Changes. This will be the life you live with her 20 years from now. Does that sound nice?

Be honest with yourself first. What do you want? You are not number 2 anymore, you are first priority in your life, not your anchor mother.

Buddybutters Sat 23-Mar-13 12:49:18

Why on earth did you ring her?
Why does it matter if she's shitty to the receptionist?
Why did you send your poor DP round to put stuff in her loft rather than, as someone suggested, waiting until you were visiting anyway?

You seem a little defensive of your mother. Of course you love her but you can't blame others for calling it like it is: she's a horrible woman, she knows EXACTLY how to make you toe the line even if its by seeming to improve her behaviour and she will never change because she's got no need to. You're always going to be fluttering around trying to keep her sweet, putting up with being called names among other outrages.

Your DP sounds a gem and I hope he doesn't get so sick of being a skivvy and being sent on fools errands by you (albeit at this old cows bidding) that he decides to cut his losses. He sounds very patient. Imagine if the roles were reversed, that it was his mother and you were posting that he kept sending you scuttling to his mothers to put nonexistent stuff up the loft!

Lucyellensmum95 Sat 23-Mar-13 13:07:29

I am listening and it is all very helpful actually. I have a lot of stuff going on in my life just now. I am having an assesment for counselling next week so may well bring this up. I have massive self esteem issues - and i have never faced up to the fact that my childhood may be impacting on things now, but thats a whole other thread!

It IS complicated with my mother as she has a medical condition that means she is physically unable to cope with stress in the same way as other people. It is a rare condition so i don't want to reveal it as it would out me if anyone who knows her is reading - It doesn't excuse the way she behaves but it is part of the reason apart from the fact that she is a spoilt brat If she went a day without her medication she would be putting her life in serious danger and the problem is that when she gets in a strop one of the things she does is not take her pills, then it gets worse........vicious circle.

I am not going to put her on the ignore list if she is being reasonable but i really am not going to take anymore of her bullshit. I tend to react explosively to it and then make the situation worse myself also. DP says i make it into a drama and should just let her get on with it when she is being like this. But its difficult when i know tht it is partly her medical condition that makes her this way.

I am on the lookout for the stately homes thread, im not looking to cut my mother out of my life but i AM looking for ways of dealing with her crap. If she is not being crap then Im not going to continue any bad feeling.

It is funny i do get cross when you guys reflect what i have been saying about her, but i know its true

Please don't be cross with me

Buddybutters Sat 23-Mar-13 13:17:15

So she refuses to take her pills and basically risks her own life in order to get her own way?!

That's not spoilt. That's psychotic.

flippinada Sat 23-Mar-13 13:18:07

I totally get it is not easy to make changes just like that when you have been living with it for years.

But if your mother chooses not to take her medication, when she knows the risks, that's her responsibility and it's not your fault.

Also, you have a medical condition that makes it difficult to deal with stress; your anxiety. There aren't many medical conditions which stress actually improves, iyswim.

Buddybutters Sat 23-Mar-13 13:19:27

I don't think anyone's cross with you. I'm certainly not. I feel very sorry for you. You sound really lovely. If you didn't it wouldn't be so frustrating to read about the way this woman is treating you and your DP!

Talkinpeace Sat 23-Mar-13 13:29:41

OP You are not your mother's carer. If she does not take her medicine and has to be admitted to hospital she'll get a rollicking from the doctors.
Every action has a reaction
SHE has to learn that.
Nothing you can do will help her - so you have to help yourself.

ImTooHecsyForYourParty Sat 23-Mar-13 13:29:46

Nobody's cross with you, pet, honestly. We all only want you to be happier than you are right now and to have a more healthy relationship with your mum. And to see your current situation for what it is. x

MixedClassBaby Sat 23-Mar-13 13:48:30
DontmindifIdo Sat 23-Mar-13 13:59:05

Agree with Buddybutters - if your mother, an other wise mentally sound adult takes the decision to not take her medication for what ever reason she picks that's her choice, it's not your job to 'mother' her and protect her from the concequences of her own actions. That's hard to 'unlearn' if you've been raised with a family who acted like keeping your mother happy was the priority.

Does she know what her condition is and what will happen if she doesn't take her medication? If she does, then do you think she could be using your fear of what will happen if she doesn't take the tablets/gets herself too stressed as a way of making you run round after her and keeping you "in your place"?

GoodtoBetter Sat 23-Mar-13 14:02:41

Lucy I am the MNer in Spain that Hissy helped to "escape" (waves to Hissy....never been mentioned on another thread before...excited emoticon!). It is uncanny how like my mum she sounds. here Guilt tripping, manipulations, name calling, tantruming..it's like they follow a script. You have to stop playing her game. It'll be fucking hard and a horrible at first, but once you've redrawn those boundaries...OMFG, it's a whole new wonderful world of peace and quiet. I can't believe how long I put up with it or how "afraid" of her I was. That FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt) is powerful stuff...especially the guilt. I also wouldn't be surprised if your anxiety problems are not at least exacerbated by her behaviour. Have a look on stately homes and also google narcissitic mothers, you'll be amazed how many characteristics she has.
Good luck and feel free to PM me. xx

GoodtoBetter Sat 23-Mar-13 14:06:05

btw I haven't cut my other out of my life either, but I have boundaries now. I see her when it suits me (about once a week) and I don't take any crap/responsibility for things that aren't my problem/try to mother her or solve her problems. She's had to "man up" and it turns out that she can manage fine without me mircomanaging her life and although she'd rather die than admit it, I would say she has a better quality of life now too.

DoeEyedBeauties Sat 23-Mar-13 18:36:14

Lucy - I'm not mad at you either. I can understand how everything can get really scary really fast when everything you have been dealing with and known (even if it is toxic) is suddenly seen in a new light. Especially if you don't know how to move forward and away from the toxicity.

Going NC isn't for everyone or every situation with a NM. I'm not advocating it as it is truely a last resort. However, I do hope you can create firm boundries and honour your identity more.

One day at a time. One situation at a time. Soon, it becomes your new 'normal' and isn't so scary anymore.

big hugs

p.s. From my own experience with councelling, problems as adults always stem from childhood. The adults we are today were created with the blueprints of our childhood is how one councellor explained it to me.

Hissy Sat 23-Mar-13 21:56:48

High fives GoodtoBetter, I'm so glad you found this thread, you had such a similar situation, I just know that your input here really will be helpful! I'm so glad you're doing so well!

Lucy love, no-one's angry with you, not in the slightest. We're outraged at what you ans your DP are suffering at the hand of your mother.

My love, she's using your good nature, your fear of her and her 'condition' to hold you to ransom. All mothers like these do this. The only way through this is to set boundaries and police them. Let her rant and raver, let her turn on the waterworks, stay icy cool calm, and tell her to stop being unreasonable, or you won't have contact.

GoodtoBetter Sat 23-Mar-13 22:26:45

I agree with Hissy about her using her condition to control you and I think that's very common.

Lucyellensmum95 Fri 05-Apr-13 12:42:30

Its all fucking happening again - juts had her screaming at me on the phone - shes has been to the chemist (its too early for her to have another set of tablets) and demanded her prescription which i put in for her last week but of course she wasn't given it as she can only have it once a month - So now i'll have to go there and appease them, ive got DD who doesn't want to go out because she is cold and playing up. Im just about holding on to my temper because I now have all this shit to deal with and i can't. I can't cope with it - we run around after her like blue arsed flies - she is now guilt tripping me, "oh now ive had to rush up to the chemist (no she didnt), go and get dog food (we always offer to fetch it for her) and now she feels ill" So she wants me not only to go and sort out the meds, take the dog out because all the rushing around has made her feel ill - my life is like fucking ground hog day - I'll never be able to relax, i'll never be allowed to. I want everyone EVERYONE to fuck off and leave me alone - all of them. Tempted to dump DD at my mothers and tell her im off to sort the meds (she wont have the cheek to refuse to have DD ther will she??) and just go and get on a train, anywhere - away, somewhere where no one can phone me or make demands of me. Its just too fucking much, i thiought i woas going to be ok im not

YouTheCat Fri 05-Apr-13 12:52:06

Don't go and appease the chemist. If your mother treats everyone like shit let her sort out the fallout.

Just stop for a minute with a cuppa and think about this. You do not have to jump up when she shouts.

Call her back and tell her you will not be doing any more for her. She is an adult and she can do it herself.

GreatUncleEddie Fri 05-Apr-13 12:54:42

But the meds are sorted surely - what is there for you to do? Put them on a repeat prescription direct to the chemist and step the fuck away from it.

DontmindifIdo Fri 05-Apr-13 12:55:19

No, you do'nt have to go an appease them now. You really, really don't.

stop a minute - this isn't your problem -and as your mum doesn't actually need her meds, why do you feel you have to fix it today?

Step back. Refuse to talk to her. She wants the dog, she can deal with it. Call her back, you're not feeling well yourself, so you're not going to be coming round, and anyway, if they won't give her the meds, they won't give them to you so it'd be a pointless journey. She can walk her own dog.

Stick a DVD on for DD, make yourself a brew, relax.

there is nothing your mum needs today - talk to your DH tonight, see if you can have him help you be brave enough to say 'no' - she could go back to the chemists next week when she actually is due to get the meds and talk to them like a civilised human being. She now has the dog food, so she doesn't need that. She doesn't need to impinge on your time at all.

Dawndonna Fri 05-Apr-13 12:55:29

Sweetie, this really isn't your responsibility. If she rings you screaming, you put the 'phone down. She will soon learn that you will only speak to her when she is calm and reasonable.
Your mother is making you ill, she doesn't have the right to do that.

ChasedByBees Fri 05-Apr-13 12:56:36

LucyEllen - this is going to go on and on and on until you stop it. She is an adult. She can sort out her own problems - you have enough to deal with.

Would you phone her and scream at her because your DD is playing up and you feel stressed? I'm guessing no. Why is acceptable for you to just have to suck this up from her?

Don't! Please don't. If you go to the chemist you're telling her she can treat you like shit, cause problems and you'll sort them, regardless of the personal cost to you.

DontmindifIdo Fri 05-Apr-13 13:00:02

BTW - what I said badly above, this is actually exactly the sort of situation you needed! She is stamping around and being a prize bitch, but she doesn't need anything really - so if you say "you know what, you can sort your own shit out, I'm not doing it for you. You made this mess you fix it, call me back when you can talk like a civilised person, I will hang up if you shout at me again, regardless of what you think you need me to do." - it won't actually matter because she isn't going to do without meds she needs, this is a great time to stand your ground because you have nothing to fear.

Plus you know what, it's cold.

StephaniePowers Fri 05-Apr-13 13:04:17

Oh dear, I think you very very definitely need to get away from her - physically for a while and emotionally forever sad

I agree witht he poster who said her behaviour is psychotic - I don't know if it's psychotic (I'm not a psychiatrist!) but to have a condition where stress is a major factor, and then do absolutely nothing about learning to alleviate your own stress: that's either very bad behaviour or very stupid, or a sign of mental illness. She could be doing so much for herself in terms of meditation or creating enjoyment, instead she is treating her own daughter like shit.

Best wishes for your treatment and hope you feel better soon. Do you have caller id? You could screen your calls, be very busy when she demands you go round, and above all do not feel guilty about that, she's being beyond vile.

Lucyellensmum95 Fri 05-Apr-13 13:12:45

She just rang me again forbiding me to go to the chemist because "she wont be spoken to like a child" and that she is going to go without her blood pressue tablets (which means, i suspect, that she has enough hmm) so that when she sees the "specialist" he will bollock the pharmacists. This means that she clearly has been shitty to the chemists - and its the weekend, her little strop is going to mean that she will be without meds until monday now - i don't know what to do. Just had a fucking letter through the door saying we have missed a really important payment due to being overdrawn and my head is too full of my mothers shit to deal with it - i actually feel physically sick to my stomach - she KNOWS im ill, she knows everthing is falling down around my ears - why can't she leave me alone - i just want to scream and not stop, this is me isn it - this isnt her, its me not being able to cope with anything

Lucyellensmum95 Fri 05-Apr-13 13:14:26

I need to calm down but only have three diazepam and my citalopram - that isn't going to even touch this level of anxiety - am pacing how can this affect me like this, am struggling to focus

You do not have "all this shit to deal with" - its not yours and you don't have to deal with it.
You do not have to go and appease the chemist.
You do not have to walk the dog.
You do not have to feel guilty.
Just don't do it.

You mother will continue to behave like a spoilt child as long as you allow it. If she phones you and is anything other than polite and friendly, put the phone straight down.

The only way to make this stop happening is to stop playing the game.

Dawndonna Fri 05-Apr-13 13:16:20

No, it isn't you. It's her. She has made you like this, she has put you in this position and her constant bullying, because that is what it is, has made you ill. Walk away. Stop answering the 'phone to her.
I have an agreement with family members to only use mobiles, that way we know when it's our mother calling and we ignore it.

x-posted.

Stop answering the phone.

It is up to your mother whether she chooses to collect and take her medicine, or not. She is an adult and fully capable of making that choice, and of dealing with this herself.

StephaniePowers Fri 05-Apr-13 13:18:16

lucyellensmum if 3 diazepam wont touch it, it's a health issue that can't go on. I'm sorry, it's your mum and I know how hard that can be, but please screen your calls. At the moment she can't talk to you without inducing anxiety, so you have to look after yourself and not talk to her for now.

Do you have a partner who could come home for a bit?

Lucyellensmum95 Fri 05-Apr-13 13:18:38

But if she doesn't take the medication she will be really ill (or worse) and i will have to live with that

Lucyellensmum95 Fri 05-Apr-13 13:21:56

The diazepam are only 2mg if i took the whole box (but i only have three sad ) it wouldnt matter would it - I do have to go to the town with DD, pay some money in for DP, he is at work, wont be able to come home. I don't now what to do - if i pay the money in, its to pay the mortgage it will get sucked up for the OD i dont know what to do now - i daren't ring DP at work, its his first week on a job and i dont want to stress him out. But if i pay the money in, the bank will take it and there will be not enough left for the mortgage - fuck fuc fuck - i just can't do this anymore - i shouldjust stop now

Dawndonna Fri 05-Apr-13 13:27:55

Get into town. Talk to the bank, they may be able to come to some sort of arrangement.
As for your mother being ill if she doesn't take her medication, that's her choice. She is unlikely to die from the sounds of it, and she will learn a salutory lesson, although my bet is that she won't go without her meds, probably has a back up supply, and will be absolutely fine. That's what happened when we stopped doing this.

marmite69 Fri 05-Apr-13 13:28:33

Also sounds like my mother, glad I'm not alone!
I'm also an only child, we moved away from the area I grew up in and she used to go behind my back and try to manipulate my dds to say they didn't want to move and would hate their new house and school.
She still hasn't forgiven me for moving,its been 13 years now and still brings it up!
We're an hour away!
She is a passive aggressive person, sulks if she doesn't get her own way so I detach myself from the situation and only see her every couple of months.
You have my sympathy OPsmile

Lucyellensmum95 Fri 05-Apr-13 13:30:34

I cant do that Dawn, its DPs account not mine sad

CouthySaysEatChoccyEggs Fri 05-Apr-13 13:32:48

Deep breaths. You NEED to let your Mother take responsibility for herself. If she phoned and screams at you, HANG UP. Don't even listen to what she is saying if it can't be said politely.

It's NOT your responsibility. If she won't take her tablets, she will get ill. She will be CHOOSING to get ill by not sorting out and taking the medication that would prevent that.

Why should you run around after someone who is CHOOSING to make themself ill to emotionally blackmail you?

In the situation where your DD (even as an adult) was suffering from this much anxiety, would YOU call her and scream down the phone at her?

If it's not acceptable for you to behave like that to your DD, then it isn't acceptable for YOUR mother to behave like that towards you!

You CAN make contact on your terms only. It is often the only way to save your sanity if you have a mother like this.

Just hang up if she starts calling you names of screaming at you. If she demands you do something inane like put a box in the loft now or go get her meds, JUST SAY NO. Or say "It isn't convenient for me right now, I'll get back to you about when that will be possible". And if she starts screaming, shouting or calling you names (all of which is verbally abusive), then HANG UP.

And yes, screen calls.

LEM95 - I'm not having a go at you. I can feel the stress and anxiety levels just jumping out at me from the computer screen.

You don't have to listen to your mother screaming down the phone at you. If you don't feel brave enough or strong enough to hang up the phone, just put the phone down on a table and walk away from it for 10 minutes. She can't keep ranting at you for 10 minutes, right? If she gets tired of shouting, just hang up. When she phones again you just say to her "Mum, I doesn't suit me to have you shouting at me, ordering me about. When you can talk calmly to me, I'll be ready to listen" and then see what she says.

As the others have suggested, you don't have to do anything for her. I get that you feel obligate to do stuff but you 100% don't have to dash around at her every whim. It reads to me as though a lot of the stuff she comes up with is on a whim and you are 100% allowed to tell her "I'm busy at the moment, I'll drop around shortly" or "It doesn't suit at the moment but I'll call you when I'm free" and whether that time is spent sitting waiting for your mug of tea to cool or watching 30 minutes of tv to chill out then you do that, for you.

Wishing you all the strength in the world to get through this - I have a sneeky suspicion that you will smile

Lucyellensmum95 Fri 05-Apr-13 14:06:22

just rang DP and he has sorted the money side out (bless him, he is so brilliant - ha! he said im not allowed to get stressed or he wont give it to me doggy tonight - nutter!)

She rang again, home phone and mobile - i ignored it, have to get out quick now or she will be round - NOTE to self - move house! it is no good living in the next street to your mother - grrrrrrrrr FFS

DontmindifIdo Fri 05-Apr-13 14:11:34

Good that you ignored it!

One thing that strikes me, if she isn't allowed the meds until next week, then it must be she has enough already. You don't need to do this. She's an adult, she can cope.

But you know what, how will your DD cope if you are too ill to care for her? Your mum is driving you mad and making you sick. Take your DD for a walk to the park, let her run off some energy, blow the cobwebs out of your own head. come home and do a lazy dinner and then watch some trash TV.

It's ok to not jump just because she's told you too.

YouTheCat Fri 05-Apr-13 14:12:27

Lucy, it's not even a month since her last debacle with the chemist so I'd say she probably has enough tablets if she gets a monthly prescription. So don't worry about her not having enough.

Dawndonna Fri 05-Apr-13 14:23:32

Well done Lucy! Ignoring the calls is the first step. It's a long path (took me best part of 53 years), but oh the relief, it is fantastic.
Good luck.

Dawndonna Fri 05-Apr-13 14:24:39

Oh, and if she comes round when you are back at home, there is no need to answer the door. Turn television up and watch a nice dvd with your dd with the curtains drawn.

Be in the shower/bath when she comes knocking - or at least tell her the next time she phones/pops around that you couldn't open the door to her because that is where you were. Even if you weren't. You are allowed have time for you.

Good on you for not answering the phone to her.

lisac99 Fri 05-Apr-13 14:32:56

The world will keep turning if you don't give into your Mothers childish tantrums.

Nothing will happen if you ignore her for 5 minutes.

Take a deep breath and let her sort things out for herself. She won't change if you keep doing things for her.

You are a good person and you don't need this level of stress in your life.

Try and have a 'backup' plan - when your Mother gets arsey, hang up on her and pull the phone out of the wall for a few hours. Lock the front door and go upstairs with a book, or go out to a local coffee shop with your daughter - investigate all the local parks or feed the ducks,

Take the control back.

Lucyellensmum95 Fri 05-Apr-13 17:02:59

Fucking hell - she caught me out, she came round my bloody house, showing me her steroid card "are you thick?, look it says I have to double up and i only have these tablets shoved in my face (she had 30, thats ten days supply, five if she has to double up - so plenty of time to go to the doctors and get more, or call and ask for more)" Err, yes, i know this, i know this because I hae a degree in biochemistry and took a whole module in endocrinology that used my mum's condition as a model pathology, so yes, thankyou very much - i get it! I am so angry, what exactly does she want me to do? Yes it would be useful for the doctor to give her an extra months supply to keep in store in case she needs to take double dose, but she needs to explain this to the doctor, not me - to be fair to the GP, she is a new doctor (to my mum, she is my GP and lovely - totally on the ball but my mums condition is actually quite rare so she may not be aware about doubling up the pills, but it only takes a phone call to ask for some more or an appointment) Now my mum has decided that not only am i thick, the doctor must be some sort of imbacille (her words not mine) too angry She apparently has already given the chemists a mouthful (she is already barred from one pharmacy in the town) So i WILL have to go and apologise. blush DP said that i should never had got her to change doctors, the problem was that her doctor was a car ride/bus journey away so it meant DP having to ferry her all the time and her GP was never there which meant she wasn't getting continuity of care. My Doctor is brilliant and i thought it would be better all round if she had a doctors that was literally at the end of her road (saving DP having to run her blush so a bit selfish i suppose) and that she could see the same doctor.

I just want to have a nice weekend with my family but i knkow this is the tip of the iceberg - am shaking with anger and also because i took my meds all at once on an empty stomach <idiot> and then had coffee in the cafe to try and calm down.

Lucy

No matter how much she tries to make this your burden, it really isn't your problem. She is an adult and she chooses how she behaves. You now know she has enough medication to see her through the weekend and beyond so she can sort things out with a phone call to the doctor's on Monday.

Lucy
Just for info, you are allowed to tell the bank not to apply any deposit you make to the overdraft and instead to pay the mortgage. You do have to write to them every time you make deposit.

This is from the CAB website
"Banks may make a charge if your account is overdrawn. For more information about overdraft charges, see Bank charges. If your account is overdrawn and then you get paid, your bank could try to use this money to pay off your overdraft without your permission. However, you've got the right to ask them not to do this and to pay other expenses first, such as your rent or mortgage. This is called first right of appropriation. You have to ask your bank to do this in writing. Make sure you write the words 'first right of appropriation' in your letter."

piprabbit Fri 05-Apr-13 17:25:01

Try repeating "This is between you are your health team, I cannot get involved." until she gets it.

Lucyellensmum95 Fri 05-Apr-13 17:31:02

chaz, thanks for that, that is useful information - thankfully DP was aware of the situation and there is enough money to cover things.

My mother stormed off, i just pretty much ignored her, i dont know what she wanted me to do exactly - i told her she needs to talk to the doctor - fine. She said she will go to her specialists appointment on her own - good! I am done with it all. She made my dad's life HELL with all of this shit, she literally drove him mad. Now she is trying it with me

DontmindifIdo Fri 05-Apr-13 18:09:00

That sounds like a really good start!!!! Well done. Keep it up, you don't need to deal with this. Eventually she'll have to do it herself.

Really, you don't have to go apologise for her, you really, really don't. If her shoutiness is part of her illness, the doctors will make them aware of it, if it's just that she's a twat, that's not your problem to fix. Quite frankly, if she realises at some point she has to say "sorry" for being a total bitch face to people just doing their jobs, perhaps there's a slight chance she'll stop being a total twat once she discovers how it effects her. Right now, it only effects you. Stop letting her push the concequences of her bad behaviour onto you.

StephaniePowers Fri 05-Apr-13 18:09:07

I know this is easy for me to say, but if you were to write her a very clear letter, would that work?

Dear Mum,
I will not take on responsibility for your health and medication. Do not call me to shout at me because of something you can easily sort out yourself. If you need help with your appointments and medication, keep a calendar so you don't lose track. Ask me if I'm free and I may be able to accompany you in future. I am not here for you to shout at. That behaviour ends now.

No? Probably far too easy for me to type and difficult to do sad

By the way, I recognise that she's ill, but she sounds awful.

ImTooHecsyForYourParty Fri 05-Apr-13 18:14:40

You
Do
Not
Have
To
Apologise
For
Her

I understand that you are having a really really really hard time accepting this - but you are NOT responsible for her.

You are choosing to take responsibility for her.

They are two totally different things.

Why do you consistently make the choice to take responsibility for her when you know that she is going to treat you like shit, regardless?

When you can change that choice that you are making, you will feel so free.

But you need to stop saying I have to do this, I have to do that...

You don't have to. You choose to.

If you had a gun at your head or something, then I would accept that you had to. anything short of that is a choice. Your choice.

Once you can accept that fact, you will be one step closer to changing it.

piprabbit Fri 05-Apr-13 18:32:02

When I first started reading your thread, it made me think of a mother who is struggling to cope with her toddler's feeding issues. You run yourself ragged, trying to fix everything and make sure things are just how she wants them to be. When you don't anticipate her needs, or she just plain doesn't like what you do, she has a tantrum or threatens to make herself ill.

I could give the same advice that I'd give that mother with a toddler... no matter how fussy they are, toddlers don't starve themselves to death (and your DM is unlikely to do anything which genuinely and urgently threatens her own life), just ignore the bad behaviour, don't pick food up off the floor or prepare lots of alternatives she will not thank you for it.

You have to teach a child about choices and consequences, and it seems that your DM has missed out on this life lesson somehow. But it is not too late for her to learn.

(and just maybe, thinking of her as an oversized, tantrumming toddler, you will find her outbursts less frightening and more laughable).

You don't have to apologise for her. You are not her keeper.

You don't have to give her lifts - there is a bus.

Have you got a chain on your door? Could you say "you were very rude to me last time so I'm not letting you in"? Let her talk through the gap, and shut the door at the first sign of any behaviour that you wouldn't accept from any other human being on the planet?

Lucyellensmum95 Mon 08-Apr-13 21:18:54

Feeling really sad today sad Haven't spoken to my mum since she stormed out on Friday. I tried to ring several times over the weekend but she didn't answer the phone (she rarely does though, its not unusual or worrying in itself). I was worried yesterday so i sent DP round to see if she wanted anything from the shops to make sure she was still alive. She has a bad cold (we have all got it) but he said she was ok. Didn't mention me though hmm She hasn't got in touch today, and i haven't called her. I don't actually want to talk to her, but for some reason i feel really sad about it, i know she is playing her old game and wants me to chase after her but i just can't. Its like a switch in my head and maybe it is me but the minute she starts going on about her pills or the council and the fact she has to pay £2 a week rent and she really shoudlnt because she is a "pensioner" etc and other people get loads of money hmm She actually gets quite a lot of money, taking into account my dads pension, her sick pay and her statutory pension. I had a whole year of shite tooing and froing with DWP as they were threatening to claw back a significant overpayment, which to be fair, was their fault and not my mother's. I did all that without her knowing, writing letters, arguing the case etc, arranging things - DWP agreed to this due to my mother's medical condition (what they didn't realise is that i was wanting to prevent her going nuclear over it and me having to pick up the flack). Maybe I'm the controlling one? I need to step back i know but right now i feel really shit - my mum is lonely and im sure she is depressed, but i am depressed too (on diazepam and citalopram) and ended up taking way to many tablets on friday and spent saturday in some sort of semi-lucid state, DP was livid.

Can't help but wonder how long she will go with the silent treatment? I did ask DP to tell her that i just couldnt cope with the conflict anymore but I don't think he knew where to start. He is so good, he feels sorry for her but he totally understands why i just can't chase anymore.

DontmindifIdo Mon 08-Apr-13 21:25:42

OP - it's ok, but you don't need to talk to her. It's ok not to ring. She's probably enjoying upsetting you and winding you up by not answering, you are chasing her. Tell yourself you won't ring again until next Friday - if she wants to talk to you, she will call you. Your mum being lonely isn't your job to fix. Your mum going mental at people isn't your job.

I think you sound like you need more help. She is making you worse. You are fixating on her. It's ok not to have anything to do with fixing her problems.

Stop chasing, stop calling, stop sending DP round, if she needs you, you know she'll contact you. The silent treatment is punishment only if you let it be. perhaps just enjoy the peace, the lack of stress.

Lucyellensmum95 Mon 08-Apr-13 21:38:30

Dontmind - to be fair, i have enjoyed the peace! I had a lovely day out with a friend and feel quite relaxed, just sad that my mum is being so self absorbed and she is missing out on DD.

GreatUncleEddie Tue 09-Apr-13 09:09:07

That is her choice. You can't make her choices for her. She is making bad choices, for whatever reason. Let her get on with it, she isn't going to change.

buildingmycorestrength Tue 09-Apr-13 09:21:18

It is sad when the switch flips and you realise it isn't going to get better, she isn't going to be the mum you want. I and many others here have been through this grieving process. I know how sad it is. But...it is much better on the other side. smile.

It is okay to prioritise yourself. You need to protect yourself.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now