To refuse to get up at 5am to help dh find a tie?

(59 Posts)
Mrneedy Thu 21-Mar-13 01:05:18

he has a function/benefit

I've found his suit
Sourced a new shirt
Waited in all morning for it

Rinsed it, ironed it
He works hard, long hours, I dont mind helping

Then just as he was going to bed, he said
I might need your help in the morning to sort my tie

I said no, he should sort it now
He's now asleep

I am not getting up at 5am
He's known for weeks that he had to get this sorted

Is it really 'sort my tie' or really that he is incredibly nervous and wants to talk to you but can't say that?

Mrneedy Thu 21-Mar-13 01:18:15

Oh god no, he's not nervous
Loves this sort of thing

It's like because I help him with this sort of thing he can't do it by himself
But expecting someone to get up at 5 am, when you are a grown man and should be able to find it by yourself???

He should jog on.
Tell him to take all his vaguely suitable ties in a bag, it's not as of they weigh much, and then he can angst about it and try them all on and text pics to his best mates or just ask a random bloke in the gents or something.

On no account should you stir your stumps.

Startail Thu 21-Mar-13 01:38:10


DH does mornings, however the number of clothing requests I get woken up for is ridiculous. I get especially annoyed when they are for him not the DDs.

No I don't know where your shoes are, your shirts are where they always are, if you have no clean pants thats because you didn't put them to wash and they are in a heap your side of the bed. NO! those are not smart work trousers. No I don't care if it's dress down Friday, they have wood stain streaks on them!

And breathe

TheDoctrineOfSnatch Thu 21-Mar-13 01:48:59


Longdistance Thu 21-Mar-13 02:19:40


Does he think you're his mother? confused

My dh wouldn't dream of asking me to do all that for him. Christ, he'll be asking you to wipe his bum next.

GeordieCherry Thu 21-Mar-13 03:57:34

My DP asked for a lift to the station the other week. For the 5:30 train. That I'd got a taxi to a few days before. Twit

Bollocks to him then. Can anyone explain how much 'sorting' a tie needs? Because it doesn't seem like it would need two people.

alwayslateforwork Thu 21-Mar-13 04:07:01

Dh does his own. All of it. I guarantee he works as hard, he just accepts that he does his own ironing and shirt buying, if he needs it.

I guess that's what twenty odd years in the military and then a transition straight to commuter hours does for you.

He does all the ironing, actually. Three kids of flat clothes age. On a Sunday night. For about three hours.

I would think he had totally lost his mind if he asked me to get up at 5 for the sake of a tie. I can probably count on one hand the occasions I've ever ironed him a shirt, too.

Harrumph and roll over, really.

MrsSpagBol Thu 21-Mar-13 04:17:56

My husband would ask me this. And for a lift to the station!

He needs a hug a kiss and a friendly face (and a quick prayer) if he has something on like this - even though he loves it.

I think put the tie out before bed. Then just get woken for snuggles/reassurance which can be done from your warm bed with one eye open.

BadLad Thu 21-Mar-13 05:02:07

In the case you have described, you aren't being unreasonable. You are correct, he should sort it now.

Sort his tie out, and you solve the problem for a day. Get him into the habit of doing it himself, and you solve it permanently.

Fairylea Thu 21-Mar-13 05:33:06

Is he 4 ??

Why on earth would he expect you to help him with his tie? It's madness.

If my dh ever woke me up at 5 to help him wIth a tie, I'd b strangling him with it.

How much sorting out can a tie need?

Get up, get dressed, pick out tie, put it on.

Why is that a 2 person job?
Would you wake up your DH at 5am to help you find a pair of knickers?

pansyflimflam Thu 21-Mar-13 06:15:50

YABU I get up with my DH every morning as e commutes into London. I love that time we have together. Perhaps he would just like your company?

BlueyDragon Thu 21-Mar-13 06:21:33

PMSL at Tantrums' idea of asking DH to help choose pants.

I'm in the "He is old enough to deal with it himself" camp, plus maybe making encouraging noises from under the duvet.

What happened in RL, OP?

ZZZenAgain Thu 21-Mar-13 06:22:33

what is involved in sorting a tie? Does he need help tying it or choosing the right one or what? I think it is inconsiderate of him to consider waking you at 5 a.m. Can't believe people actually do this.

Mumof3men Thu 21-Mar-13 07:59:10

Did you get up?
thinks he actually wanted to talk to you before he went

diddl Thu 21-Mar-13 08:36:17

"Sort a tie"??

Is that a euphemism??grin

digerd Thu 21-Mar-13 08:49:35

After we married, my DH said the same. In fact his mum had his clothes all laid out for him before he went to bed when he was up for work at 4.30am.
I just said, you are a grown man not a small child. You do it yourself. Must admit he did look hurt, but accepted it without a word.

BerthaKitt Thu 21-Mar-13 09:56:56

Am shock at some of the posts on here.

Mrneedy Thu 21-Mar-13 10:02:02

Ok, sort a tie actually means find the black tie.
Tbf, I do know where everything in the house is, he doesn't really, but there's only a couple of drawers it could be in

So, before I went to bed I found it (first drawer I looked) and left it out for him

I dont mind looking for it, I am more likely to know where it is, but it was the idea that it was ok to wake me up at 5 am that really annoyed me
he should have been more organised

Mrneedy Thu 21-Mar-13 10:02:53

Why shocked Bertha?

On the rare occasions DP has had to get up at stupid hours, he creeps around quietly and doesn't wake me. He is capable of sorting himself out.

Why doesn't he know where his own clothes are? I wash, sort and occasionally iron the clothes for all of us. Each person then get a pile of clean clothes on their bed and is expected to put their own clothes away. Including the two DCs.

MadAboutHotChoc Thu 21-Mar-13 10:07:44

I am shocked too shock

FFS, these men are grown up, why are you choosing to infantilise and mother them? Ugh!!

Mrneedy Thu 21-Mar-13 10:14:21

It's a dicky bow tie, one of those things that he uses twice a year maybe, he knew he couldn't put his hand on it straightaway, I was more likely to know where it was
He oftens asks where x is, a certain tshirt/sweater because he knows I do the washing so I'm more likely to know if it's still in wash basket or back in drawers
I don't run and get it for him

MadAboutHotChoc Thu 21-Mar-13 10:16:58

But still he expected you to run and get it? hmm

My DH works very long hours but he puts his clothes away, does his own clothes sorting and packing etc.

diddl Thu 21-Mar-13 10:19:54

But then I would just say-it's in X place & let him do it.

I put most stuff away.

But there's no mystery-for example underwear is in the underwear drawer...

The owner should still know where stuff is!

Thumbwitch Thu 21-Mar-13 10:22:32

See this is why I refuse pointblank to put DH's clothes away for him, because then I avoid all the "where are my socks/pants/tshirts/shorts" etc. bollocks. grin

YWNBU - if the man can't even work out that he needs to find the tie before 5am, he's barely functional and probably shouldn't be let out alone without supervision. Dear God.

Pobblewhohasnotoes Thu 21-Mar-13 10:25:31

If my DH asked me to find him a tie at 5am if tell him to sod off.

He's a grown man FFS!

My H puts his washing away, I leave it in a pile for him. He irons his own shirt too. You are not his mother.

BerthaKitt Thu 21-Mar-13 10:27:42

I can't imagine a man buying, washing, ironing, etc a whole outfit for his wife's work then being expected to get up at 5:30 to sort her handbag for her. Or even just being expected to wake up early specially for a reassuring 'snuggle'.

It's shocking that some (many?) men think this should naturally be done for them and their partners see it as their job to do these things for their men. Some women actually seem to feel it's something to be proud of, that they are 'needed' like this.

We are people too, not some lesser species bred to serve.

I do the washing, but DP is still able to know where his stuff is. He is perfectly capable of checking if an item is still in the washbasket, in the washer or drying without me having to tell him.

He is perfectly able to wash iron and sort his own clothes.

Dh does all the ironing here. He irons 3 dcs school uniform, his work shirts and my work clothes.
I do the majority of the washing, and I fold up clothes that do not need ironing.

I have never needed DH to find me any clothes at 5am. He has never needed me to do that for him either.

Surely if you cant find something you just look for it? How many places can a tie be??

ArtVandelay Thu 21-Mar-13 12:16:21

My DH tries this bollocks all the time and then acts all hurt and bewildered when I give him the rage and tell him to piss off.

diddl Thu 21-Mar-13 12:48:55

It amazes me that men would be hurt by this.

If someone offered to do that for me I'd be wondering why they thought I was incapable & wanted/needed it doing.

But that some grown men actually embarrass themselves by asking a partner to get stuff out/ready for them...

DH does a fair share of the washing, ironing and mending. He has never asked me to sort out his clothes for him. Probably because he is an adult and I am not his mum. hmm

Alibabaandthe40nappies Thu 21-Mar-13 12:52:22

Bertha - quite.

I have on occasion helped DH to pick out a tie to go with a new shirt or suit, especially if he has a job interview. He is colourblind, so the results can be interesting if I don't! grin

OP - did you really organise a new suit for him?? hmm

Pandemoniaa Thu 21-Mar-13 12:56:23

I do the washing too. It suits me. But DP knows exactly where it all goes because he's an adult and quite capable of sorting his own clothes out. I am not his handmaiden and certainly not at 5am when I am incapable of civil speech!

BabyMakesTheBellyGoRound Thu 21-Mar-13 12:58:51

DH occasionally asks where the socks are cause they are in a pile of clothes on the landing but as he is an adult he is more than capable of dressing himself.

DoJo Thu 21-Mar-13 13:25:56

How many places are people keeping their clothes? We have a wardrobe each and a chest of drawers - i.e. a finite space in which all clothes are kept. If it isn't in the wardrobe, it's in the drawers - can there be that many places to look that it needs two people?

RevoltingPeasant Thu 21-Mar-13 13:57:26

yy Bertha. I think my DH would be quite weirded out if I bought him clothes - except as a Christmas gift or similar - I actually have no idea what size he is. We do laundry equally, when it needs doing, and put away our own stuff. I'm actually not 100% sure how he organises stuff in his wardrobe so wouldn't know where to find his ties etc.

To each their own, I guess, but I'm really glad my DH doesn't expect me to do stuff like this for him.

Mrneedy Thu 21-Mar-13 14:18:30

He dug out his suit, didn't have a shirt
He was trying to order one from work, but he just got too busy so I took over and ordered it, next day delivery
He's a big size, so couldn't just go in a shop and buy one

He has a wardrobe in our bedroom, but also drawers and wardrobe in spare room

MrsSpagBol Thu 21-Mar-13 17:40:20

berthakitt each to their own i suppose. I have to say i find you a bit judgemental though.

My husband doesn't wake me up at 5 am every day, or even every time he needs to leave at 5am but there have bern occasions when he is facing something monumental and does need a reassuring word / snuggle before he leaves. How is that mothering him and all else you went on about?

I have had a situation - going to my final chef training prac exam - where I was literally nauseous with nerves and i did wake him up before i left (early) as i was about to faint with fear and just needed some encouragement! I would have thought that is part of being in a marriage / partnership?


Pandemoniaa Thu 21-Mar-13 17:55:36

I would have thought that is part of being in a marriage / partnership?

But the circumstances you describe are a bit different. The OP's husband, on the other hand, thinks it is acceptable to wake his wife to sort him out a tie. But while we are on about what constitutes being in a marriage/partnership, how about consideration for your partner? I'd say that was quite an important element of being a couple too.

MrsSpagBol Thu 21-Mar-13 18:04:16

Yes Pandemonia but OP said it was some big do he was going to and I was merely suggesting that he might have been nervous?

Nowhere did I advocate just random daily crack of dawn demands - which would be inconsiderate.

Surely my DH waking me up once or twice in 9 years together hardly constitutes a complete lack of consideration for me? If that's how you would judge my marriage that's up to you but I think you are being a bit OTT. Imho.

TheDoctrineOfSnatch Thu 21-Mar-13 18:22:12

MrsSB, OP said early on her DH isn't nervous about this kind of thing.

MrsSpagBol Thu 21-Mar-13 18:29:24

Yes but she didn't say he does this all the time / doesn't do any housework at all / cant dress himself at all etc!

I just think some of the reactions are a tad extreme, without any context. Never mind.

nocake Thu 21-Mar-13 18:33:23

I'm a bloke and if I'm leaving the house early I creap about trying not to wake DW. It's completely unreasonable to expect her to get up to help me and why on earth would I need help?

StuntGirl Thu 21-Mar-13 18:47:15

Sorry needy am grin at how much 'sorting' a tie could need! I assume he's had some degree of notice for this event?

MrsHoarder Thu 21-Mar-13 19:03:24

MrsSB there is a difference between waking someone up to say "I'm really nervous" and to say "I can't find an item of clothing.

DH is the opposite, wouldn't dream of waking me unless I need to be up at the same time (or earlier as an alarm clock that can shift me has him wide awake --and shaking me to wake me up--).

MrsSpagBol Thu 21-Mar-13 20:34:42

MrsHoarder - please re-read OP's post. He didn't actually wake her up. He said

"I might need your help in the morning to sort my tie"

You are getting so outraged about something that didn't actually happen!
He said he might need to, she said no (well within her rights to do so if she doesn't want to be woken up) - pipe down.

He never said he couldn't find his clothes? This is what I mean about OTT reactions! hmm

edwardsmum11 Fri 22-Mar-13 07:45:47

Yanbu. My hubby would get a very tired lecture if he tried this with me..... he is surely old enough to do this himself.

SoVerySleepy Fri 22-Mar-13 07:50:13

To those who are horrified that the woman does 99% of the laundry so knows where her partner's clothes are more accurately than he does: I do 99% of the laundry in our house and he doesn't have a clue where his bow tie is but he does 99% of the washing up. I hate washing up. I;d do far more than 99% of the laundry to get out of it!

You are criticising the OP without knowing the full set-up of her life. If she is happy with the way things are (minus 5am wake ups, that is U!) then leave her be.

diddl Fri 22-Mar-13 07:53:42

But even if he does more washing up that you, SoVery-I bet you still know where the stuff is-or know which cupboards to look in!

As a pp put, there's usually only limited places where something will be!

PopMusic Fri 22-Mar-13 07:55:01

Just as a contrast, my four year old got up this morning and opened his wardrobe and said "I think I will wear these blue socks today" and found his dressing gown himself which he had left on the chair.

ihearsounds Fri 22-Mar-13 08:00:45

What is it with all these so called grown men that dont seem to be able to function without thier partners.. Its about time that apron stings were cut and stopped being babied.
He had a choice, he could have gone and found the tie before he went to bed, Not a hard concept really. At least looking himself he would have a better understanding of knowing where his things are.

Mrneedy Fri 22-Mar-13 18:17:55

Just for some context, dh works at least 12 hours a day, usually 14-15, plus conference calls,client lunches/dinners
He's not actually home that much. His work clothes go to the dry cleaners, I will leave out his underwear/socks, he puts them away, other casual stuff I usually put away
I am a sahm, I don't have much to do

MadAboutHotChoc Fri 22-Mar-13 21:48:28

Mrneedy - ditto, my DH works similar hours and he works away a lot too.

Proud to say that he still sorts his own clothes out. He is NOT a manchild.

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