DH's awful family part 2...

(208 Posts)
curiousgeorgie Tue 19-Mar-13 21:14:54

So I've started a second thread as requested...

Who would have guessed that they would be so bad as to require more than 1000 posts wink

exoticfruits Tue 19-Mar-13 21:15:59

Is there a link to part one? I haven't seen it.

omletta Tue 19-Mar-13 21:16:29

Well done. And don't go to the wedding it's madness.

mistlethrush Tue 19-Mar-13 21:17:13

I've just posted similar omletta

curiousgeorgie Tue 19-Mar-13 21:17:28
TheSeniorWrangler Tue 19-Mar-13 21:18:35

i agree, dont go to the wedding.. they way they've treated you i'm amazed DH hasnt told them to shove their bestman job too!

DontmindifIdo Tue 19-Mar-13 21:19:45

Is it overseas? It's highly unlikely you'll get a passport in order to travel with a 4 week old. Esp as you're talking about over June/July - that's one of the busiest time of year, it's just not going to arrive in time...

Dont go to the wedding!

Your inlaws sure knows how to snub you!

<shakes Pom poms> go georgie! grin

blatantly marking place

curiousgeorgie Tue 19-Mar-13 21:21:47

Well, after all this PIL situation that they caused, and now the secret CMV and total disregard, he's seriously considering telling them he doesn't want the job.

Just trying to work out the ramifications really.. But I'm really finished with them. I definitely don't want to go to their wedding even if it is just a couple of days.

YouTheCat Tue 19-Mar-13 21:23:06

Don't go. Seriously, you owe them nothing and it could be dangerous if you've just had a c-section.

AllOverIt Tue 19-Mar-13 21:23:29

Oooo a shiny new thread!

Definitely don't go. Blame the CS if you have to. Or just tell them they're fuckwits and you have better things to do with your time....

It'll be the busiest time of the year for getting a passport.

Baby needs to be registered and have birth certificate before you can apply for passport.

At the best of times it's reckoned that you'll get passport back in 3 weeks.

With wedding being 4-6 weeks after birth, there's only the slightest chance you'll have a passport for baby.

This is your official reason not to go.

However you could send older DD with your DH, although it might spoil his golf n drinks thing a bit........grin

curiousgeorgie Tue 19-Mar-13 21:24:40

I had already been concerned about taking the baby re passport issues & being able to book a seat. They suggested we drive but it works out at about 15 hours driving and there's no way DD would cope!! (or me!!)

I was prepared to grit my teeth and stad in line at the passport office, struggle through the wedding for their sakes and just ignore the massive cost... But now I'm of the mind that they don't care about us, why should I put myself out for them.

DontmindifIdo Tue 19-Mar-13 21:26:46

Oh yes, tell SIL you are sooo sorry, you'd love to come to her wedding but of course, you won't have time to register the birth and get a pass port within 4 - 6 weeks so you can't go to the wedding, but don't worry, you aren't going to ruin it for her as DD is to be a bridesmaid, you'll send DH with DD on their own.

Of course, she'll have to let BIL know that dH will have ot be on DD duty so won't be able do the golf/drinks/staying with BIL the night before etc, but I'm sure he'll understand... grin

YouTheCat Tue 19-Mar-13 21:27:17

Would you be driving? That's also not usually recommended 4 weeks after a section.

15 hours driving!

At 4-6 weeks after a CS!

Ask your midwife for her advice on that and you'll most likely get a big fat NO from her.

a) could lead to blood clots, etc as for flying but over 15 hours risk would be higher

b) it's not recommended that babies are stuck in car seat for more than 2 hours at that point without significant breaks.

ENormaSnob Tue 19-Mar-13 21:27:34

I absolutely wouldn't be putting myself out for that shower of bastards.

It's Ireland you are going to isn't it? <worries she is getting all her unreasonable inlaws threads mixed up>

I still think you were being very very optimistic to say you would be going in the first place.

What I really want to know, what was first, your pregnancy or the wedding plans? C'mon admit it, you got pg just so you don't have to go, didn't you!!

curiousgeorgie Tue 19-Mar-13 21:28:03

I wouldn't send DD with DH... I'd worry bout her too much blush

Just because they seem to have so much planned for DH that couldn't possibly involve her, and with the best will in the world, DH is easily influenced by PIL and BIL! she'd end up being babysat by someone she'd never met. And PIL & DH are on the top table and shes not so I'd panic constantly!

DontmindifIdo Tue 19-Mar-13 21:28:18

Even if it's driving, you'll still need a passport. And you won't get it in time. And you won't be fit to drive that far.

letseatgrandma Tue 19-Mar-13 21:29:12

Have you booked a hotel, OP?

I haven't read the end of the last thread; are you now certain your in-laws know they aren't staying with you anymore?

You've got loads of good official reasons not to go.

I wouldn't do it for this bunch, not at all.

FierceBadIggi Tue 19-Mar-13 21:31:25

Do you actually need a passport? (If wedding is in the country I think it is). If it's just for identity purposes, the birth certificate would do on the plane.
NOT that I think you should go, but for me it would be the c section (I've had 2) and the newness of the baby that would stop me. I don't like exposing babies to lots of people beofre they've had some shots tbh, I know there are people everywhere but at a wedding I bet they'll all be having a cuddle.

LittleMissFantabulous Tue 19-Mar-13 21:31:29

Shameless placenarking pompommery.

curiousgeorgie Tue 19-Mar-13 21:32:06

Glakit - This sounds so much like a lie but I swear it's true! I even think I started a thread about it way back when... We were asked to have a break in TTC so we could go to the wedding. And this was after lots of miscarriages and I was luckily just starting to be treated by Mr Shehata, an amazing consultant and so taking a break would have been heartbreaking and ridiculous after I'd waited to see this doctor.

Yes, it's Ireland. I wouldn't have been driving, my DH would but it still would've been awful for DD and the baby.

Sod the farking top table I'm still bitter about SIL insisting of sitting at it at our wedding if you dd isn't important enough as flower girl to be up there, then sod them. Don't go.

I seriously find it hard to believe that your SIL to be doesn't see how difficult this is going to be for you. Especially as a mother herself. I am truly shocked.

God I am so angry for you!

Arithmeticulous Tue 19-Mar-13 21:32:34

Another cracking suggestion from DontMind there

curiousgeorgie Tue 19-Mar-13 21:33:07

Fierce, I didn't know if we did but SIL said the airport we had to fly into meant we did?

Did you have another thread about that Georgie? Someone did, I remember it!

AIBU not to shag this month as SIL has asked us not to so we can make the wedding of the year where she will be the grand poohbah?

FierceBadIggi has valid points about the baby being exposed to illnesses before getting even the first jabs at 2 months.

curiousgeorgie Tue 19-Mar-13 21:36:40

Yep, I had a thread about that! They asked us to stop trying to make sure I wouldn't be too pregnant to fly... But we didn't listen obviously as I'm sitting here with a big bump grin

SlowLooseChippings Tue 19-Mar-13 21:36:58

You don't need a passport to bring a newborn to Ireland on the ferry, a birth cert will do. You can get those very quickly.

You do need a passport for planes though. (You don't, legally speaking, but the airlines can stipulate it as a condition of travel, and they usually do.)

15 hours sounds like a lot though - DH and I live in east London and it takes 11 hours door to door to reach his family in west Cork. It's not all driving either, there's 4 hours sitting on the ferry plus some waiting around (free wifi in the lounges = MNing on the go!). We did it with 8 week old DS at Christmas.

Having said that, we wouldn't do it for any amount of time less than a week as it is an onerous journey regardless.

TheSeniorWrangler Tue 19-Mar-13 21:37:34

i wouldnt bother with fancy convoluted excuses. i would just tell them straight.

Because you were so rude and showed absolutely no concern for my health or that of my baby, i will not be coming, and nor will DH or DD. have a nice wedding.

FierceBadIggi Tue 19-Mar-13 21:37:35

(As an aside - where you on the pred thread? Congratulations! I have a Shehata miracle baby too! grin )

All this smacks of SIL being pissed off you didn't bow to her whim and pause TTC in order to make the wedding.

RevoltingPeasant Tue 19-Mar-13 21:38:22

Curious I have been frozen in horror lurking on this thread for days now...

Don't you send them any bullshit excuses about why you're not going to the wedding!!!!

Email:
'SIL & BIL,

I am currently waiting for my hospital test results after you knowingly exposed my unborn baby and me to CMV, a virus which, as you will have been told at the hospital, can cause very serious disabilities to unborn children.

You have shown a total disregard for my baby's welfare. In these circumstances, I will not be attending your wedding. As I will not be there to look after DD, she will also not be attending as I am not confident that you will look after her appropriately.

I do not wish to hear from you, MIL, or FIL until after the baby's birth, when we will consider whether we can build bridges again.

OP'

Seriously, don't fuck about with these people!! angry angry angry

RevoltingPeasant Tue 19-Mar-13 21:39:45

They asked you to stop TTC for their wedding.

They. Asked You. To stop TTC. For their frickin' wedding????!!!

It is rare that I am rendered speechless - !!!!

curiousgeorgie Tue 19-Mar-13 21:40:07

Fierce, I didn't join but was a lurker smile Mr Shehata is amazing!

CookieLady Tue 19-Mar-13 21:40:09

Don't go. They clearly don't give a damn about you so why on earth should you put yourself out for them. I've had two c-sections and believe me the second time round the revovery process is a lot slower. Whilst in theory the recommended recovery period is six to eight weeks in reality it was more like ten to twelve weeks for me.

<shakes head in disbelief!> wow and I seriously thought my SIL was bad

<hand worst SIL gold medal to Georgie> kudos to you for not smacking her in the chops!

Hell's teeth, I think I remember that thread georgie shock.

These people just have no redeeming features at all, do they?

curiousgeorgie Tue 19-Mar-13 21:42:17

Slowloosechippings - I'm in Surrey but that's what SIL estimated for us as driving time. I have no idea how it's broken down though as I dismissed it without really researching it too much.

AllOverIt Tue 19-Mar-13 21:42:22

DON'T GO!!!!

bootsycollins Tue 19-Mar-13 21:43:47

Cheeky fucking bastards! Please don't put yourself out for those inconsiderate, spiteful arseholes. You really need to put the needs of you, your newborn and dd first, those bastard il's have caused you enough grief already.

Do you stare at your dh and wonder how the hell he came from that family and is the lovely man you know and love? I do that with my DH all the time. grin

ShhHesAsleep Tue 19-Mar-13 21:45:43

If your DH is willing to pull out of the wedding, best to do it now.

Which I think is the sensible decision. Even if you and your new baby have the fastest possible recovery from childbirth, the idea of him being unavailable to support his wife and children while you're away from home is frankly ridiculous. He must be well-trained by his bonkers family to not see this. I'm sure your midwife or consultant would make their feelings clear.

It must be awful for him to accept how little his family value the 3 (4 ) of you. The technical term for his discomfort and unwillingness to see what's happening is "cognitive dissonance". Basically it's uncomfortable to have two conflicting thoughts simultaneously. My family are nice people who care for us vs look at their bonkers behaviour. Like suggesting you all, including a newborn, go on a 15 hour drive and are then exposed to the viruses that will be present in a hotel full of strangers who want to touch the baby's hands and face and last washed their own hands who knows when...

curiousgeorgie Tue 19-Mar-13 21:45:52

Glakit - I do that all the time! And look at my little DD sleeping and think please please don't be like them! Lol...

GoingGoingGoth Tue 19-Mar-13 21:46:29

Blatantly marking my place, as I've been lurking for days.

Don't go!

ithaka Tue 19-Mar-13 21:47:30

Don't go. I didn't go to my SIL's wedding (because I had a new baby and she was a thoughtless madam about the earlier death of our son). My DH didn't go either (his sister).

Oh, it was drama on the high seas at the time. I cared not a jot. Which meant in the end they all had to calm down and try and build bridges. Which I let them do. And it is all brushed under carpet now.

Do not put yourself through it. Stand your ground, let it wash over you, and PIL will come crawling back when they realise they have to be nice to have a relationship with their son/grandchild. At which time, you may choose to be the bigger person - I am so high up on the moral high ground, the view is stunning.

teejwood Tue 19-Mar-13 21:47:59

shock
They asked you not to go to a new consultant after several mc so you wouldn't mess up their wedding plans??

I can understand that they couldn't hold off on making their plans and the way it has all worked out is a bit unfortunate timing wise - but obviously fab as you are now pg with longed-for dc2!

But the way in which you have been treated, shoved at a back table with the dc's and people you don't know (probably so you don't take the shine off Bridezilla), with DH under orders to be in groom party seclusion - well feck that with a great big feckity stick. It seems to indicate that their problem (jealousy?) with you and complete disregard for your DH's family (as in you and DC's) goes back some way....

I mean quite apart from the travel, passport, pain, risk of blood clots, cost - what about the post-pg hormones? You may be happy as larry, but if you're feeling a bit down the last place you want to be is sitting in enforced, false gaiety with a bunch of bloody strangers.

Tell them to get stuffed.
<gavel>

FierceBadIggi Tue 19-Mar-13 21:48:09

Cookielady has a good point, second cs my wound didn't heal properly and I had multiple visits to nurse for dressing changes that carried on for three fecking months after the op.

Yup! That too! Then I wonder if its me. Then quickly realise nope, I am a sane person (most of the time), they are the bonkers ones! Thankfully dh is further down the road than yours is and has very little to do with them. 150 miles helps too! I recommend it.

SlowLooseChippings Tue 19-Mar-13 21:49:37

Georgie you're dead right. Whether its 11 or 15 hours' drive it's still too much to go for somebody else's family!

BlueStarsAtNight Tue 19-Mar-13 21:56:20

Georgie I have been following since the start of the first thread, and really I have no words!!! I am just astounded at the twatty cuntish selfishness of your pil, bil and sil, especially with regards to the CMV. Have fingers tightly crossed that you get the all clear.

I'm really glad you've made the decision to not go to the wedding, I can't believe you were even considering it when you spell it all out like that! And if nothing else, surely CMV isn't something you would want to expose your newborn to, so you have an excellent excuse to not see DH's family for at least the next couple of years!

Have you told them that you won't be going? Do it whilst your resolve is strong, and whilst you are both still angry enough not to be persuaded to change your mind!

I would just send a "with regret" card from you dh dd and bump. But then I'm evil!

Toastismyfriend Tue 19-Mar-13 22:01:53

General advice after cs is to rest as much as possible for 6 weeks..no heavy lifting etc..it is major abdominal surgery. That said, from a midwives point of view, if you desperately wanted to go and had lots of help and support and no complications it would be ok...after all some people have no choice. It sounds like your part of the deal is beyond grim though..i wouldn't fancy it.

Toastismyfriend Tue 19-Mar-13 22:04:33

Chances of huge family rift here though..can you talk this through with someone who knows them and supports you..your family?...get some advice from someone who cares but might be able to step back a bit?

I'm just coming on to the thread to wave pom poms and cheer. You're a trooper and they were lucky to have you. I wouldn't have been going to the wedding in the first place. They just pushed too much, didn't they?

blackeyedsusan Tue 19-Mar-13 22:04:45

oh my. i did not realise that you were the wedding op and the parents doing up house op... they are something aren't they. i am going to have to read the rest of the previous thread now...

Loulybelle Tue 19-Mar-13 22:04:52

Im actually speechless they asked you to stop TTC, for their fucking wedding
!!!!!!!

Fuck this lot, fuck em all, they are serious piss takers.

ChasedByBees Tue 19-Mar-13 22:06:30

Absolutely no way would I go to that wedding. It would be entirely impractical even if they hadn't just shown they don't give a damn about you. I can understand your DH reconsidering his involvement too but I can imagine that will come with a massive side portion of drama and chest beating from all your ILs. Tricky!

Toastismyfriend Any family rift will not be the fault of the OP. In this case she has every reason to go apeshit on the lot of them.

Thinkingof4 Tue 19-Mar-13 22:10:18

I think you are right, don't go to the wedding! Any subsequent fall out is definitely not your fault!
Hope you get blood test results soon and it's all ok

talk about bridezilla.

don't go. doesn't sound like they've made much effort to make you welcome hmm

bit take take take aren't they?

xigris Tue 19-Mar-13 22:15:45

God, your in laws so need to bog off to the far side of bog! They're unbelievable! Like I said before, you really need your own reality show; ("Britain's Most Fuckwitted In Laws"?) clearly would have to be on C4. Alternatively, maybe they could have a cameo on Shameless.....?grin

SoggySummer Tue 19-Mar-13 22:15:59

Blimey!!! Please put your whole frigging life on hold for our wedding!!!

I have heard it all now!!

I wonder if people like this ever look back on their lives and think "Oh shit what a tit I was???" Perhaps once they divorce??

You really could not make this up - no one would believe it would they.

I have read the other thread, and this one in jaw dropping disbelief at your in laws, Georgie!

Well done for putting your foot down about them staying - and fwiw, I don't think you should go to the wedding - four weeks or so after major abdominal surgery, with a toddler and a newborn? Noooooo.

timidviper Tue 19-Mar-13 22:23:04

Sometimes the more you put yourself out for people, the more they walk all over you. I think the poster upthread who said stand your ground and let them come to you has a point.

thedicewoman Tue 19-Mar-13 22:26:47

have been following thread but as mum to new Ds and toddler Dd, I just wanted to say that absolutely no way would I have been upfor going to a wedding when Ds was 6 weeks old, not even to my best friend in the world's wedding, never mind people who have treated me like this! apart from anything else don't underestimate how (unbelievably) much harder work it is with two Dc, it completely floored me and I think it really only started to get easier at about 12 weeks! think about yourself and your family and what's good for you, not these tossers.

sicutlilium Tue 19-Mar-13 22:34:31

My dearest friend, who is godmother to DS1, couldn't make his christening because she was heavily pregnant, had a toddler, didn't drive and lived miles away from both us and the venue and her (now ex) husband was working abroad at the time. I was very sorry that she couldn't be there, but it didn't occur to me to put her under pressure to attend. We just appointed a proxy for the day and my friend remains the most fantastic godmother. Look after yourself OP.

magimedi Tue 19-Mar-13 22:37:34

I am speechless!

What a load of twats.

I'd have nothing to do with any of them ever again.

LiveItUp Tue 19-Mar-13 22:41:56

No way, at every level. 3 weeks post cs you'll still be bonding, sore, oozing, knackered, or on a more positive note, relaxing in the afterglow enjoying the peace and quiet with your new family. You can't travel a baby that young that far, expose them to even more, put yourself through two days of being ignored by the rudest family out there, squeeze into some party frock, hand baby round a bunch of cooing germ-ridden slightly tipsy strangers, .... need I go on ..?

Hope you tell them none of you are going. They are in the wrong. They can build bridges back to you. And if they don't, hey, you still win as you don't get this poisonous family trying to run rings around you whenever it suits them.

Skygirls Tue 19-Mar-13 23:08:08

Can you tell Auntie J what's happening and get her on side to state the obvious to the selfish and ignorant PIL, BIL, SIL about you and DH going to the wedding?

Then they can't directly spit bile at you and you can just say
'Oh, that Auntie J is so wise.'

I think it's really bad form to expect you to go so soon after having DC2 and to expect you to be sole carer for your DCS whilst there, and to take DH away for 2 days, with no one to help you.

Outrageous! I'm angry for you georgie
Don't go.

cantreachmytoes Tue 19-Mar-13 23:24:43

Another lurker popping out to say that I am utterly shocked that they asked you to stop TTC, regardless of the new Dr, for their wedding!

Agree that there'll be massive fallout from not attending (and I don't think you OR DH should) and given how unreasonable these people are - and self-centred - I'm not sure you'll ever be awarded the moral high ground in their eyes, but you most definitely have been awarded it here on MN!

SergeantSnarky Tue 19-Mar-13 23:48:40

Hello Georgie

I do hope you are okay - if your DD has mixed with other children in a playgroup setting you may have already had cmv and didn't know it so you may have immunity. I hope so.

CMV is one of the torch infections - I work abroad in a creche and had a work ban whilst pregnant until I had been tested as I was obviously dealing with under 3s all the time - nappies, runny noses, you name it and as a shedding virus was exposed.

As it can cause cerebral palsy, deafness or eyesight problems it really should have been taken seriously by your SIL.

My blood test showed I had had it previously - just to warn you though my lab results could not say how long before and I was at the end of my second trimester so although it was a relief to know I had antibodies it did not and could not reassure me that I hadn't been infected for the first time in the first trimester iyswim.

But my DC was fine. I also discovered that despite being a cat-owner in the past I had never been exposed to toxoplasmosis - another torch disease.

This is the other side of it of course - you might be told you have no immunity to cmv and have never had it. Great. But then you realise that like me with toxo there is not an awful lot you can do ( besides hand washing and avoiding known SIL in your case): I can avoid handling raw meat/cats etc but ultimately you hope you are low risk.

I have not been retested for toxo this time around - it is something they recommend you do throughout if you are pregnant with no immunity as there are drugs they can give you if you get it while pregnant but to be tested and retested continuously over 7 months would be stressful and there are false positives so decided against.

This is also true of CMV -you usually need a blood test two weeks after the first one and there are antiviral drugs available eg ganciclovir if you catch cmv for the first time while pregnant but the latter is only used if benefits outweigh risk as it is unknown whether the drug itself can cause birth defects.

Your SIL has been astoundingly selfish or naive or plain ignorant.

As to travelling to Ireland only you can make that call but they need to be aware you might not be up to it full stop.

Hugs and good wishes being sent your way x

curiousgeorgie Tue 19-Mar-13 23:55:24

Thanks, you're very informed!

I just keep reading how low the chance is that I would actually have it, and then how low the risk is of passing it to the baby etc and sticking to that.

It was such a trial to get pregnant in the first place, I have to just believe that it's going to be okay or I'll drive myself mad.

I'm so so angry with SIL in particular, as I spend such a lot of time with her at different baby & toddler things that she a) had a million opportunities to tell me and b) should have known how important it would be to tell me.

I actually can't believe she hasn't sent me a message, or apologised, or even enquired about the blood test. But Nothing.

Andro Tue 19-Mar-13 23:57:24

I am beyond words...

OP, you have the in-laws from hell!

You CANNOT go to the wedding! (You're not going, are you?) DH can go on his own. You will be very happy and relieved at home, with DD and baby. Please tell SIL and BIL you and DD aren't going

Loulybelle Wed 20-Mar-13 00:00:27

That should tighten your resolve, to say screw you to the lot of them, they could have put you and your baby at serious risk, and PIL are no better.

Telling you to stop TTC
Practically try and force you to have PIL at what will be a difficult time
Put you and your baby at risk
Completely disregard your health and feelings

You to need to be done with these people, they are serious, first class, selfish buttholes.

SergeantSnarky Wed 20-Mar-13 00:00:32

Oh and if MIL claims you are exaggerating the risks direct her to this website please

www.stopcmv.org/en/

and tell her to read the stories - her NOT you. Yes it is more common in the States and yes it is quite rare but some of the stories are utterly heartbreaking and will act as more of a wake-up call to SIL and MIL than a wiki entry or nhs page can convey.

CSIJanner Wed 20-Mar-13 00:05:18

I remember your post about the request to out off TTC for the due date and was shock then!

The fact that you had to see a consultant to get this far shows how little you pare down on the bridezilla's list, ut also more to the point, how far down you are on the PIL's as they're completely renovating for the bride and groomzilla's reception. The silence to your DH's text is deafening. Time to cut the toxic family out, wait for them to realise that the world doesn't circle around a wedding and see if they want to build a healthy relationship with their son's wife and family, specially as BIL & SIL would have been made aware from the hospital.

Just wait! She'll text in two or so days saying her phone was off....again!

SergeantSnarky Wed 20-Mar-13 00:07:14

BUT my lovely, you do right to stick to the odds against. I did the same sweetie and you will tie yourself up in knots otherwise. I know for example that congenital toxoplasmosis might not show up til DC3 is nine FFS if it turned out I had it...sometimes you just have to let go and also have the faith all will be well. Courage to accept the shite we cannot change and all that good stuff.

Have some brew and some flowers and buy some more baby furniture!
XXX

I wouldn't be going either. All of their shit aside, you still have a valid reason not to go. If you dh goes (for family harmony) could your mum come and help out? Even when the baby is 6 weeks it could still be daunting to be left alone for 2 days and nights with a newborn and a toddler!

RenterNomad Wed 20-Mar-13 00:42:30

Ohhh, I remember the TTC timing thread!

Your lovely baby has given you the ammunition to blow up the dangerous, unsound bridge(s) linking you to BIL/SIL (at least). They need to invest in any replacement.

(the only investment you might like to make is not declining the wedding now, but doing so once the baby is born, so it at least seems like you were willing, and they will look - and look publicly - like monsters if they object and bully you at that point).

funnyperson Wed 20-Mar-13 04:19:57

I am so so sorry for you. I can see now that the PIL and BIL/SIL to be are emotionally abusive.
To put your unborn baby at risk of congenital cmv by not telling you they had active infection and letting you cuddle their infected child is unforgivable. I wonder if criminal action could be taken against them if your baby should be affected.
I dont think you should go to the wedding. If (v slight chance) your baby is affected you may need to be back in the UK anyway.
My in-laws once 'forgot' to lay a place at top table for me on their 50th wedding anniversary. I said to my MIL I felt a bit odd, and she made PIL himself adjust the place settings to fit me in. They thought I wanted to sit with the DC. We set up a separate little table for DC with their cousins looking after them.
At my wedding my sis and BIL and her little one (months old) were on top table along with my mum and dad and MIL and PIL! So them not putting you on top table is wrong, but could be put right if you end up being able to go. (ie it turns out you are immune to cmv anyway and you get a passport for baby and are fit to travel and so forth)
But DH def shouldn't go on the stag night celebrations and leave you alone to cope. Not unless there are other cousins and so forth being lined up to help you. He can be best man at the ceremony without deserting you on stag night.
I hope your own wedding preparations are progressing. You never mention your own wedding. Who is going to be best man?
How is the packing for your move progressing?

YeahThatsTheBadger Wed 20-Mar-13 04:54:18

My brother got married in Ireland last year and I was bridesmaid. My DC3 was 5 weeks at the time. Not going was not an option for me but in the lead up to the wedding, DB and SIL regularly checked if I was still happy be bridesmaid, if I was still happy to go - they said they didn't want us to be under any pressure.
When they visited the wedding reception venue initially, they loved it but they kept saying that my DC will love it because there's a soft play place at the hotel and a swimming pool - they thought of us and how to make everything easy for us attending the wedding.
DS and I ended up being in hospital for 2 weeks after he was born and my DB and SIL said that if it's too much for us to travel then don't worry, we didn't have to go.

THAT is what your BIL and SIL should be like. Understanding, flexible and caring.

I hope your test results come back all clear and you reach a decision about the wedding that suits you and your family.

Tortoiseonthehalfshell Wed 20-Mar-13 04:57:06

This is just unbelievable. I mean, I believe you. That's not some weird code for Troll. I just mean...whoah.

So to get this straight:

BIL and SIL are getting married in Ireland. They asked you, living in Surrey, to give up on TTC after finally having seen a specialist, and after several miscarriages which they knew about, so that you would be able to go to the wedding.
Having refused to do so, they now expect you to fly, or drive FIFTEEN hours, with a four week old and after a CS, to attend a wedding where your DH will be expected to spend all his time with them and not you AND HIS NEWBORN BABY AND TWO YEAR OLD.
They've exposed you, knowingly, to a virus which might cause serious health issues in your unborn child, and have not apologised for this, nor enquired after the results of your blood test. Again, after several miscarriages.
They promised to put your PIL up while said PIL renovate their house, and then went back on their word and told PIL that you would do it. Without checking with you.

Your PIL are renovating their ENTIRE house, inside and out, in order to host a reception back in Surrey. And want you to host them, with said newborn and CS, in order to facilitate this.
They've chosen a schedule which specifically means that they need hosting exactly at the same time as your baby is due, and cannot stay elsewhere due to wanting to get to their clubs.
FIL expects to sit on the couch all day watching sports, and insisting on complete silence from your two year old.
They will only babysit, incidentally, if you pay for a Sky Sports package!
They believe that you should send your dog away in order to accommodate them.

Your DH has grown up always being the second best. His parents have expected him to put his brother first in everything, to the extent where he has absorbed this and believes that it is alright to expect his newly post-partum wife to host her in-laws for months (let's face it, it would be months) so that his brother can have a wedding reception - well, post-wedding party, really, isn't it? - in a totally renovated house. His brother's need to have two wedding celebrations trumps his wife's need to recover from an operation and bond with a newborn. Likewise, he seems to feel that it's appropriate to let his post-operative wife deal with a newborn and a two year old, in another country, for two days because his brother has dictated a set number of men-only events that he HAS to attend.

All I can say, OP, is thank goodness you're a strong person with clear boundaries and, I suspect, wonderful parents. Your DH should be thanking his lucky stars that he's with you, because you're the only thing that'll drag him out of this dynamic.

YeahThatsTheBadger Wed 20-Mar-13 05:01:18

Sorry, that reads like I'm saying "my family is great and your in-laws are shit. Ner ner na-ner ner".
I just meant that they shouldn't be putting you under any pressure to go given what your circumstances will be at the time, and with house moving stress and a cs, you and your family should be yours and DH's top priority and you need to do whatever will be best for you. <waffle waffle waffle>

Sugarice Wed 20-Mar-13 06:33:09

No way should you go, after the way its been assumed you'll just fall into line and do as you're told I'd just refuse. Plus the stress and tiredness of a new baby born after a cs means travelling will be a nightmare.

Have they still not been in touch regarding the virus, not even MiL? What a
bitch angry.

Polgara2 Wed 20-Mar-13 06:46:44

I am speechless Georgie! No one should have to put up with all that. I would have nothing more to do with any of them tbh.

AllOverIt Wed 20-Mar-13 06:58:06

Have you told them you're not going OP?

ZillionChocolate Wed 20-Mar-13 06:59:47

Awful! I like the idea of talking to the aunt. If she's going to the wedding and you don't, she might exiles explain why you aren't there.

Thumbwitch Wed 20-Mar-13 07:04:12

Hi Georgie - just read both threads all the way through and am beyond gobsmacked at how bloody awful they're all being!

I hope you have sorted out the housing of PIL issue to your satisfaction - I actually had my MIL stay with me for the birth of DS1, because my own mum had died while I was still pg and I thought it would be nice for MIL to be there for help etc.
I got on very well with MIL so didn't think it would be too problematic - and in fairness it wasn't that bad - except for my reactions to stuff, probably hormonal.

She came 2w before DS1 was born (he was 2w overdue) so the first 2 weeks were a lot of waiting around the house - luckily she had 2 SILs living in my town who could take her out and amuse her, as I wasn't up to much. DH pissed me off by telling me I should do more to entertain her - but that was him, not her.
She overhelps too but so long as I stayed out of the kitchen, it didn't bother me. She actually did loads in terms of being helpful, but it didn't stop me wanting to fight her off my baby with a sharp stick whenever she held him for more than 2 minutes! I had problems with bf'ing because he had a tongue tie, so spent a lot of time in bed with him - and got told again to do more to entertain MIL - DH got very short shrift about that!
In the end, it was ok and we didn't fall out but only because she was very understanding about my hormonal moodiness and because I kept my mouth clamped shut so I never said the things I was thinking, like "DON'T call him a bloody pork chop!" "STOP clapping him on the bum so hard it shakes his head!" and various other things that made me itch to grab him back off her.

If she had been any less understanding or more demanding, we would have fallen out completely, I'm sure.

CMV, btw, you may have had without knowing - approx 50% of the adult population will have CMV antibodies in their blood without ever having known they had caught the infection. Fingers crossed, however, that everything is fine - but that would be the end of my willingness to do any thing for BIL, SIL et al. Selfish fuckers.

As for the wedding, Fuckem all! Don't go. Bloody hell.

auntpetunia Wed 20-Mar-13 07:05:32

Oh it gets worse I hadn't realised you where the "don't conceive OP ". They really are something else. And as for the wedding plans....er not happening DH need for 2 day's without you being included? A wedding lasts 1 hour 2 if it's full Catholic jobby …that's how long your DH should be away, OK maybe for an hour before the wedding as well, but after that he should be with you for photos, meal etc. These people are unbelievable!

Have they always put BILs needs before your DHs? Why hasn't DH just said no .

Thumbwitch Wed 20-Mar-13 07:06:12

Oh yes, Auntie J ROCKS! grin

thelittlestkiwi Wed 20-Mar-13 07:10:19

Georgie- I hope DH is behind you. His family are behaving like toddlers who are testing their boundaries. Where ever you set them, they pull push and demand more.

Time to redraw the boundaries. I would not go to the wedding as it will just be far too much for you to handle. Don't they realise you are having major surgery?

Also, I'm concerned that they may expose other women to the CMV. Has anyone spoken to them about exposing you? It's really so, so out of order. Plus it's a good excuse to give them a bollocking.

kitbit Wed 20-Mar-13 07:10:52

No! Send DH to the wedding and stay at home with your dds and lovely Mum. Calm, peaceful recovery and bonding time. Bollocks to the PIL they don't give a shit.

sashh Wed 20-Mar-13 07:12:26

Good grief.

I've just gone through the other thread, reading your posts, not the replies, sorry.

OP, first of all, have a hug.

This is your home, tell PIL to hire a caravan and park it on their drive.

Don't go to the wedding unless you want to.

You need to think about you and your family. Who in their right mind decides to go stay with someone after major surgery?

You will do fine for 2 days without your DH. I'm sure someone on MN who lives locally could pop in with a meal or just to hand hold.

Gingerodgers Wed 20-Mar-13 07:14:56

They'll be divorced before the years out anyway!.....heeheee

<applauds georgie>

Jees, I've followed this from the beginning but every time I tried to post my jaw hit the keyboard as some new madness appeared.

Georgie, you have shown such dignity and you and your family have been treated so appallingly, I cannot believe you'd still even contemplate attending SIL's "look at me" day.

I am really hoping that your poor dh finds the strength somewhere to tell them to stuff their invite. They have endangered your baby for no reason. They have treated you all like second hand citizens.

He does not have to be the best man. He can be the best husband and father instead. And stay with the people who value him first and foremost.

What a bunch of bastards.

beginnings Wed 20-Mar-13 08:00:41

Do not, do not DO NOT contemplate driving to Ireland. I live in Kent and my parents live in Dublin. In August when DD was 15 weeks old it took 13 hours to get from there home. I actually cried at Heston services on the M4 as I sat in the back of the car feeding, knowing that I had another hour before we got home. DH had wanted to push on through but I knew DD wouldn't make it and didn't want to have to be on the South Circular/M25 with her screaming her head off.

As for the passport issue, RyanScare would, I'm sure, make you have one for DC2. Aer Lingus might let you away with a birth cert. Technically you don't need them at the airport as technically there's no border between the UK and Ireland but it has become standard to ask for them and I've heard some tricky stories about people travelling with babies who don't have passports as the authorities are very nervous about baby trafficking.

I sadly can very well believe they asked you to stop TTC. There are no bridezillas like Irish bridezillas. Something takes over people. I escaped - I think being here helped. But my mother turned into a mother-zilla. Honestly, if I had one more conversation about the shape of my sodding bouquet.......

Keep strong curious you're doing brilliantly!!

I'm on pg 4 at the moment (about half way down) and I saw your response OP

I'm so so angry with SIL in particular, as I spend such a lot of time with her at different baby & toddler things that she a) had a million opportunities to tell me and b) should have known how important it would be to tell me.

Does that mean that she has unwillingly exposed those babies and toddlers and mums to CMV too? Are they aware that they have been exposed to this disease?

I know in the primary schools that my kids go to that if there is exposure to any illness we get a note home about it (recently it was ringworm, previously it has been head lice) but we get notes home to say there has been a child in X class that has Y and you should be aware. If I were you, I'd make sure that everyone that they have been in contact with is aware of the potential risk.

I am gobsmacked at their disregard for you, for their unborn niece/nephew, for their brother and just their utter pomposity at how the world and everyone elses life must be put on hold for this wedding.

Who do they think they are????? shock angry

curiousgeorgie Wed 20-Mar-13 08:42:58

I did say this to DH, who said it to MIL... The defends is that if you have a child who mixes with other children you're subjecting them to loads of germs everyday and you couldn't possibly protect them from everything. What was she supposed to do.. Stay in? blush

Yes. Like I'm doing now until I get my results. DD is bored already and it's only 8.40 so I'm looking down the barrel of a long day of Disney junior!

She was up so much in the night complaining of earache... I so hope that isn't a CMV sign confused

DeepRedBetty Wed 20-Mar-13 08:53:47

quick place mark

And Go Team Georgie!

Booo Hissss Team ILs!

Creameggkr Wed 20-Mar-13 09:02:31

Wouldn't normal relatives have made allowances for the fact you have just had a baby/section?
Dh not allowed to be with his wife and chikdren??? Are they feckkng mental?
I'm surprised at your dh, mine would have said he's coming back Fter the meal as I'd need the help.
As fit making you sit with strangers well that's just ridiculous.
No don't go. I went to the races five weeks after my section. It was just doable but extremely tiring and its uncomfortable to sit for a long time with a seat belt on too.

Georgie You could do worse than letting your DH see Tortoiseonthehalfshell's excellent summary.

Thumbwitch Wed 20-Mar-13 09:17:43

I have read Tortoiseonthehalfshell's summary and it is indeed excellent.

Your inlaws curiousgeorgie are completely and utterly toxic (not just to say narcissistic) and your DH is behaving like the scapegoat for all their inherent ills; this is also why he cannot stand up to his mad as a box of cut snakes parents. He's been taught to come a dim and distant second to his brother, people from dysfunctional families end up playing roles and your DH is playing the role of scapegoat to perfection. He has been taught to put himself (and by turn any family he himself goes onto have) last.

The problem you also have here is that your DH may never be able to leave the role assigned to him by them. He may never be able to stand up for himself.

I would not attend the wedding under any circumstances; you have excellent medical reasons not to attend. Do not put your health at risk for such people because they won't thank you anyway and they are truly not worth it.

You might want to think in the longer term about cutting them off altogether.

Would suggest you read "Toxic Inlaws" written by Susan Forward.

MadamGazelleIsMyMum Wed 20-Mar-13 09:24:37

OP, definitely dont go. Why put yourself to such trouble for people who quite clearly dont give a shit about you? Hope all well with the blood tests.

I'd listen to Attila as well, she knows her stuff, having seen her in action on the Relationship board.

diddl Wed 20-Mar-13 09:29:06

Oh don't go!

Of course children easily pass things on-but some things are worthy of telling other about!!

ssd Wed 20-Mar-13 09:33:33

op, just a thought

whilst you are happy posting all the details of your life on here, just remember you have to live with his family as long as you have dh, so make up your own mind and stop enjoying all the attention here from dissecting your life

in other words, do what you want, this is all turning a bit attention seeking for me

saffronwblue Wed 20-Mar-13 09:34:12

Oh they just get worse by the minute, your ILs. Don't go to the wedding. Don't let them be vague about their accommodation during the renovation.

Tortoises summary really does put it into perspective.

Send it to Auntie J ....she'll fight your corner!

(unless she is an MN-er & is already following this!! Waves to Auntie J) grin

curiousgeorgie Wed 20-Mar-13 09:40:37

Ssd - I'm attention seeking?

Attention seek all you want Georgie. You're more interesting than the drying-up. grin

Sugarice Wed 20-Mar-13 09:42:52

ssd don't be ridiculous!

Others, including me, have asked georgie to keep posting.

Don't read the thread if it irritates you, it really is that simple. smile

dawntigga Wed 20-Mar-13 09:47:23

georgie DO NOT GO.

They are selfish twunts.

SSDODFODTiggaxx

beginnings Wed 20-Mar-13 09:49:10

ssd well done on being supportive. hmm

What thread on any Internet forum isn't seeking attention? Surely seeking attention for support is what MN is all about!

Tigga, took me a moment to work out your sign-off grin

Thumbwitch Wed 20-Mar-13 09:55:03

me too FryOne - got it now though! grin

teejwood Wed 20-Mar-13 09:58:32

ssd op's thoughts, feelings and safety are being ignored by IL's in real life so I imagine these threads actually have provided much-needed validation that is helping her protect herself and her family. That isn't attention-seeking, that's important.

In this type of situation, it is so easy to become ground down and feel like every justifiable thought and feeling you have is wrong - exposing that rot to the air isn't attention seeking, it's healthy.

Carry on posting as much - or as little - as you wish, Georgie. Don't feel you have to keep quiet - you get enough of that in RL. But equally don't feel like you have to keep posting for our sakes, much though we are on your side and want to know that all is working out for the best. It's your life, not ours and you have enough obligations in RL without feeling obligated to keep us up to date!

ThedementedPenguin Wed 20-Mar-13 10:00:35

I've just read your other thread. I am shock at your ils.

I hope you get everything sorted out soon. Also that your blood test results come back fine.

Stay strong and don't give into them.

I'm being exceptionally thick but what does Tigga's sign off mean??

SSD I find putting a comment like that on a thread where the OP clearly needs to offload -- to prevent several murders-- quite attention seeking actually.

OP, I've spent the morning reading your threads, your in-laws are horrendous, after not telling you about such a dangerous virus they do not deserve to spend time with you or your lovely children. Nor do they deserve your presence at the wedding.

I hope you enjoy your lovely little 'babymoon' without having them there.

and, does Aunty want to adopt me, she sounds ace. I can bake her lots of lovely cakes and biscuits and mix a mean G&T grin

teejwood Wed 20-Mar-13 10:06:53

Hearts it becomes clear when you separate the first three letters from the remainder, until you get to Tigga

hmm, strike out fail, sorry!

Oh I might have it.

OP I'm really sorry you're going through all this. I think you're doing the right thing though. We went to my SIL's wedding in Canada when DD2 was 12 weeks old (also C section) and it was so, so hard even though I had huge amounts of support from my parents, PILs and DH. I can't imagine going through that for people who don't care about you and aren't supportive!

HeartsTrumpsDiamonds Have pm'd you.

blackeyedsusan Wed 20-Mar-13 10:11:23

oops me too... baroness.

Thank you to everyone who put me out of my misery!

Tigga your sign-offs are always so clever grin

dinkystinky Wed 20-Mar-13 10:16:29

Your inlaws are unbelievable.

I dont think 15 hours driving - and ferry journey - with a newborn is remotely reasonable to ask you to undertake - never mind the toddler! As for asking you to delay TTC and not warning you about the CMV... words fail me!

I wouldnt send a snotty email - I'd just say that given the current health concerns for the baby and yourself, you're unable to attend and as there is so much planned for DH on the adult activities, he will attend alone while DD stays home with you and the baby. And get the sole voice of reason - the aunt - on side too.

xigris Wed 20-Mar-13 10:31:45

I have baby brain to be fair I actually had it before DCs please can someone tell me what Tigga's sign off means? blush. Go Team Georgie!!! <pom poms and personalised TG teeshirt>

I did travel about 9 hours total by train, with 2-year-old ds1 and 5 week old ds2, to go to my best friend's wedding - but dh was hugely helpful and supportive, as was everyone else I came across at the wedding, including my friend and her husband. But if I had said I couldn't face all that travelling, they would have been sorry I wasn't there, but would have completely understood. Oh, and I hadn't had a CS.

As a former nurse, I can think of nothing I would recommend less than a 15 hour journey, mainly by car, for someone less than 6 weeks post-op following abdominal surgery, let alone someone who has also got to cope with a newborn and a toddler.

ThisIsMummyPig Wed 20-Mar-13 11:04:06

OK, I don't think you should go to the wedding, but I am actually feeling a tiny bit sorry for your MIL. At the end of the day they have massively put themselves out so that they can host a party for your BIL and SIL, and in return for their trouble and huge expense, they have effectively been told that they are not welcome at BIL and SIL's house.

I think they need to turn round to SIL and say "If you don't put us up, then we cant get the rennovations done on time, and you will have to do without your party."

This really has nothing to do with you. It is their problem, and they should sort it. However, I can see your DH's point of view that his parents seem to get treated badly.

I wouldn't go to that wedding if my DD2 was anything under a year old, and probably not then.

VikingLady Wed 20-Mar-13 11:14:25

I travelled on public transport (train and taxi) to get to DB's wedding in the middle of nowhere 5w after EMCS. DH carried DD all day, apart from very frequent feeds. He fussed over me all day as I had trouble doing a lot for myself, and I don't have any other children!

Seriously, don't go!

curiousgeorgie Wed 20-Mar-13 11:16:44

The renovations weren't solely for the party. BIL & SIL live in a flat and don't have a garden / a lot of space so asked if they could have the party at PIL..

MIL said she was happy to do it, but was embarrassed about the state of the bathroom and kitchen as they badly needed doing... FIL said they could get them done as the party was a good excuse, they also badly needed to have the house rewired and because of the decoration required after that it sort of spiralled from there.

The renovations are a great idea. PIL's house was so so dated and nothing had really been done for maybe 30 years.

It's just that in the initial conversation of saying ' you should have all this work done at once while you can' BIL & SIL were very quick to say 'and stay with us... We insist etc. '

Sugarice Wed 20-Mar-13 11:23:29

Bil and Sil are arses and the source of all the friction.

Have they always displayed tendencies of 'I'm alright Jack'.

Is your dh the younger brother by any chance?

Lancelottie Wed 20-Mar-13 11:24:50

I'm sure then that BIL, SIL and PIL will love sharing the small flat AND the wedding preparations with your SIL's mother.

Call it family bonding time for them all.

Mind you, if SIL's Mum is only coming over from Ireland why does she need to stay for more than a weekend? I'd imagined it must be Australia at the least! !

Oogerbooger Wed 20-Mar-13 11:25:33

Shameless place marking!

Georgie well done for putting your foot down.

Thanks for the poster above's recommendation for the Toxic Inlaws book - my BF has horrendous inlaws (afraid to say that they are even worse than the OPs!) and I may get this book for her smile

Do get your dh on your side over the wedding. Make him see that this is a beautiful opportunity to show both you and them, that you are more important to him than they are.

"We've taken medical advice and realised that we can't come to your wedding. You've lots of lovely friends though so I'm sure you'll have no problems finding another bridesmaid and best man and mug to be ignored on the pleb table."

There is, or course, a chance of a huge family rift here. But I can only see that as a good thing for you, dh, and your dcs. And there doesn't have to be a rift - that will be their choice, not yours. As long as you don't respond to the drama, you can enjoy the peace and they may eventually realise they are the ones missing out.

Lancelottie Wed 20-Mar-13 11:42:27

See, I wouldn't do that, Bertha. DH would feel shit about doing that to his brother, and I don't think he deserves the flak.

I'd put the ball in their court: 'We've taken medical advice and Georgie won't be able to come to the wedding*, so DH will be in sole charge of DD if she still comes. Would you rather they both took a smaller role, or DH came alone, as the current plans won't be possible?'

*get your mum over to help you meanwhile, Georgie -- she sounds great!

ThatBintAgain Wed 20-Mar-13 11:45:15

Caught up now. The wedding sounds hideous, feck that for a game of soldiers.

In addition to the excellent Toxic Parents book I recommend your DH reads this. Hopefully it might trigger some sort of awakening.

curiousgeorgie Wed 20-Mar-13 11:45:42

Sugarice - My DH is the younger brother...

SIL's mum is coming for the month because she doesn't come over very often and they have lots to do for the wedding apparently. She's never come for so long before, she came the night SIL had her baby and went home 2 days later... So to hear she was coming for a month seemed a little odd!

diddl Wed 20-Mar-13 11:46:06

I agree that the husband should still go to his siblings wedding if he wants.

But only if it won't impact on OP.

<also can't work out the sign offblush>

diddl Wed 20-Mar-13 11:55:25

Thank you!!

<I feel like I'm in a quiche now!!grin>

Me too diddl everyone PM'd me and I feel v popular. grin

Georgie I don't quite get why SIL's mum is coming to England when the wedding is in Ireland. Surely it would make more sense for SIL to go to Ireland to plan her Irish wedding and take care of details there??

Although things have presumably changed a ton in the wedding planning arena since I did it 12 years ago... t'internet must make life a lot easier.

Georgie's dh probably would feel shit, but I think he is probably feeling that anyway.

The brother in question is the one who told the PIL that they were welcome to stay at Georgie's house for a month just after her cs, and who has just knowingly put their unborn baby's life in danger. And hasn't yet thought to apologise for either act.

It would probably be better for the sibling relationship in the long run if he (Georgie's dh) could refuse the wedding, rather than continue to be a doormat and allow his brother to treat him so badly, with no consequences.

shewhowines Wed 20-Mar-13 12:53:23

Please remember Op that when this thread finishes, everybody who has posted will go back to their own lives and you will be the one living the consequences.

It is right that you shouldn't go to the wedding, however just because it is right, doesn't mean that it is necessarily the best thing to do. Only you know the impact of all this, on your DH and subsequently your relationship with him.

What does he think you should do?

Together you need to work out the best way to tackle these selfish people. They should not be allowed to walk over you, however it is worth swallowing some of your own feelings (to an extent) for the sake of DH. Only you guys between you, know where you COULD realistically draw the line whilst minimising the impact, even though it is very easy for us as a bunch of strangers, to tell you where you SHOULD draw the line.
You could easily get carried away with the support of us validating your (correct) feelings but think how it will be afterwards for you all.

Hope it all works out for you all and the test results are good.

diddl Wed 20-Mar-13 13:00:03

OP will be 4wks post CS-and the wedding is a long drive or a flight away.

Don't see how offence could be taken at her not attending tbh.

Well, not by reasonable people who wouldn't think that it's all her "fault" for getting pregnant-selfish woman that she is!!

milktraylady Wed 20-Mar-13 13:02:06

Hi OP, I have Irish relatives, and the wedding in Ireland is going to be a massive drinking bender for your DH. There's no way he can realistically look after your DD.
(just trying to help you make the decision whether or not to withdraw DD as bridesmaid.)

(And no point saying he doesn't drink much- I guarantee you he will be in the pub from arrival & continue drinking from then!)

What does your DH want to do- go to the -drinking bender- wedding or look after you?

milktraylady Wed 20-Mar-13 13:04:14

And good luck for the blood tests, your SIL is shocking.
Another vote for your DH might be realising he has a toxic family.
Sympathies.

On the bright side you could write a book/ sit com? Might as well make some £ out of the feckers!

xigris Wed 20-Mar-13 13:08:28

Thank you Thumbwitch and Sugarice! grin

auntpetunia Wed 20-Mar-13 13:16:17

I've spent ages trying to work out the sign off..

curiousgeorgie Wed 20-Mar-13 13:21:18

I don't get it either... Can someone PM me? smile

milktraylady Wed 20-Mar-13 13:25:11

Oh do f* off dear
Is that it?
Love it!

GladbagsGold Wed 20-Mar-13 13:26:20

I read it as....

(name of moaning poster) Oh Do F Off Dear (name of poster)

Georgie I have read (most of) both threads and just want to wish you luck with the new baby, I hope the CMV scare is just a scare, and that your DH protects you from your ILs.

shewhowines

Given that the wedding is 4-6 weeks after a CS birth, I think it is extremely unrealistic to attempt to go to the wedding, regardless of whether she wants to or not.

Passport issued for baby, fat chance of being on time in the middle of summer.

And plenty of medical reasons for georgie not to go. I had a CS and there's no way I'd have gone om georgie's situation, it would have been too hard.

And given that the wedding plans involve georgie's DH being unable to help with baby or toddler, and I think it is beyond a joke if the ILs still expect her to go.

mamaslatts Wed 20-Mar-13 13:40:35

I think you should just smile and agree to everything. Once baby arrives, call them the day before the wedding and say 'sorry, can't make it, doctor couldn't believe i was even thinking about travelling all that way after major surgery and due to the risk of cmv you exposed baby to, they just want to run one more test to make sure she's ok. Sorry!'

or agree to everything and just don't turn up.

Smellslikecatspee Wed 20-Mar-13 13:46:12

I've read both threads too and OMG.

the only thing that I did wonder about was do they the Weddingzillas actually want you at the wedding? Are they trying to put up so many obstacles to push you in to saying thats it I'm not going.

I'm asking as I'm Irish and every wedding I've ever been to both at home and Irish family elsewhere children have played a huge part and a cute toddler and tiny baby would instantly be swooped on and fussed over.

The rest of their behaviour is shocking.
Totally shocking

I mean we're pretty close family but live with any of them again for any time over 2 weeks, not a hope in hell.

Smellslikecatspee - a cute toddler and tiny baby would instantly be swooped on and fussed over

Sadly, not the best thing for a baby too young to have had even the first vaccinations by the time of the wedding. Although I can see what you're saying in the rest of the post.

Wow, brilliant summation of the situation Tortoiseonthehalfshell.

curiousgeorgie, you could do a lot worse than to print off that post and put it under your husband's nose, to read and ponder upon. ANd maybe to get a little bit angry about ...

" ... but I am actually feeling a tiny bit sorry for your MIL. At the end of the day they have massively put themselves out so that they can host a party for your BIL and SIL, and in return for their trouble and huge expense, they have effectively been told that they are not welcome at BIL and SIL's house."
I personally would call that 'just desserts'. And a teensy bit inevitable; given that PILs have presumably favoured eldest son from the start, he would be almost certain to become selfish and self-absorbed (and found his perfect match in SILzilla). I've read many a thread on MN where the OP was the unfavoured child, and the only one willing to look after the parents one they became in need of help, the favoured children brushing them off faster than dandruff.

teejwood Wed 20-Mar-13 14:14:54

Georgie I don't think you can just duck out at the last minute, tbh.

If your DD is due to be a flower girl then a dress will have been ordered etc and her dropping out at the last minute will leave a gap in Bridezilla's SIL's "procession" which could maybe be filled by another little girl.

Now they have treated you appallingly but you don't strike me as the sort of person who would want to cause problems/upset for others if it can be avoided. Also, you probably don't want to give them any excuse to blame you for "ruining SIL/BIL's big day" by DD dropping out at the last minute - and it's clear they would not hesitate to do that.

Better to keep the moral high ground and say a doctor has now advised you against going and, as others have said, it will be best if DD also does not go as DH will be so "busy" getting-pissed-with-Groomzilla. That way they have fair warning and you have done all you can.

Also - are there other pg mums at the groups you go to with SIL, who might be impacted by the CMV? They might need a word of warning....

teejwood Wed 20-Mar-13 14:17:13

Another thing that occurred to me - if you and Dh have a house with spare rooms and garden and the older BIL/SIL are in a flat, is there a difference in earnings/living standards that can explain some of their attitude (jealousy?) towards you?

teejwood Wed 20-Mar-13 14:17:49

Not saying it's right/justified btw - just wondering whether it contributes to general twattishness....

Toastismyfriend Wed 20-Mar-13 15:29:16

Personally i learnt the hard way never to type on mumsnet what you would not be prepared to say to someone in person. Anyone knowing you or inlaws could probably fairly easily identify you now, i would check over the thread and make sure you are happy that they know you feel this way. If so then carry on, but please remember however awful these people may be, they are your dh's kin and he probably loves them. I know you and the kids are his priority and he loves you most but it could be really awful fallout. Simple is often best.

MyDarlingClementine Wed 20-Mar-13 15:30:30

Hurah Tortoiseonthehalfshell

Agree print that off and stick it under his nose, although I do feel for him, he has been brain washed and has stockholm syndrome.

Do not expect any of them to set any standards for you. You set your own standards. They are all caught up in this wedding, no one is thinking about you ( clearly) YOu have to think for YOU.

DontmindifIdo Wed 20-Mar-13 16:44:55

Personally I think it's maddness to try to do the journey, you have good reasons not too that don't involve you saying "I don't want to come to yoru wedding" that any other time of year it would look like.

You can say you think it's unlikely you'll be able to travel, no way you'll be able to do 15 hours in the car so it would have to be a flight, and if you are fit to travel, highly unlikely you'll get a passport for your DC in time. That if your DC comes early so you have time to sort out the passport and recover, you'll take a decision then, but it's best to plan on you and DD not being there, and possibly think about if DH is able to go (if you are too ill to travel, you might be too ill to be left) so best you give them lots of warning now to find someone else to take on the best man role. Lots of, "of course we'll try but thought best to give you lots of warning".

While it might be tempting to tell them to stuff it, this is the best way to manage the long term relationship with your PIL, BIL & SIL - you will be their family for a long time. this way you are too ill to travel and your DH is needed to look after the older DD so can't travel either - not a snub you can be slagged off for. Oh they will might still call you, but the public face will have to be "Curious had only just had a baby and they couldn't travel".

I also have a tricky SIL, I had to explain to DH that while it was tempting to tell his brother's wife where to go more than once, by making sure we are seen to be polite and behaving nicely, long term it helps reduce the stress. It is perfectly reasonable not to put yourself out for them, but do it in a way that can't be criticised - it's not that you don't want to go because they potentially infected you with something that could damage your child, it's that you can't. Can't is harder to complain about with out looking entitled yourself than won't.

diddl Wed 20-Mar-13 16:54:32

"While it might be tempting to tell them to stuff it, this is the best way to manage the long term relationship with your PIL, BIL & SIL"

But it's also how such people keep acting as they do-and getting away with it-because no one just says-no-I can't/won't do that.

They tiptoe around saying maybe if x, perhaps if y...!

hillyhilly Wed 20-Mar-13 17:04:20

Curious, stay home and go to the post wedding party at your in laws renovated property - simples
Just don't let the wedding sideline re original issue of where they stay whole the work is being done

QueenStromba Wed 20-Mar-13 17:17:18

I said about half way through the last thread (way before the CMV came to light) that I would probably be most pissed off with SIL about the whole thing and I still stand by that.

I definitely wouldn't go to the wedding. On the off chance that you are forced to go for some reason, passports aren't actually required to fly to Ireland. Some airlines like Ryan Air insist on them, but Aer Lingus just wants photo ID which matches up with what customs/immigration wants. You would more than likely get through with just your ID and maybe a birth cert - I'm sure Aer Lingus or the Irish border authority would be happy to clarify this for you.

As for the CMV - I doubt you'll have caught it unless you were being very friendly with the in laws (which I doubt you were) or sharing their cutlery. It's almost up there with STDs for its difficulty to catch.

Birthdaychocolate Wed 20-Mar-13 17:36:19

Why is your DH going? In the circumstances and given his family's actions he should stay at home and look after you and the DC!

aldiwhore Wed 20-Mar-13 17:49:31

Not that I think you're unreasonable in your opinions, but this threads has gone on so long that actually it has become unreasonable. I know you didn't like your in-laws mentioning your mum negatively, how would your DH feel reading this? It makes me feel uncomfortable to think that, what has become our entertainment, has stirred things up out of all proportion.

I hadn't heard of CMV until this thread and I've had two children. It was in no literature and not on the midwives' list of things to warn me about... is there the smallest chance that your SIL didn't realise the potential danger?

I can't even really see your PILs as 'evil' their original crime was to assume they'd be welcome at yours and didn't think through your impending baby and housemove very well... sometimes you need to point out the bleeding obvious, it doesn't make them evil.

Sounds like the whole family has it's fair share of crazy times ahead in May-July, and I think there's always room for understanding, and compromise.

How it reads to me, as someone who only read this thread last night, is a few incidents where someone(s) have been unreasonable and your DH being a bit slow in understanding your stress at the thought of it all, and perhaps, you not saying right at the beginning "This is not going to happen".

I don't understand how it's got to the stage of calling them evil/horrible/selfish/twats. I don't understand the frenzy. I don't think YWBU but I think you are now to let this continue, just as you are your DH's priority, he should be yours, and you've allowed people to rip his family apart on a public forum, where you WILL be easily identifyable to anyone who knows you because of the details of your lives you've given. I would ask for it to be removed if I were you, for your DH's sake.

Do what you're comfortable doing, nothing more. Good luck with the new baby and house move, I don't think you're a bad person at all, and agree with much of what has been said, but I think if any of your in-laws saw this they would be justifiable upset and angry, because they have no right of reply. x

soundevenfruity Wed 20-Mar-13 18:01:39

Amazing, aldiwhore. Couldn't have said it better.

MaBumble Wed 20-Mar-13 18:24:21

OP - you might want to move this to relationships if you need ongoing support

As an aside my BIL & SIL didn't come to our wedding (which as abroad)- BIL was due to be best man, but SIL was expecting her first and was poorly, and BIL didn't want to leave her on her own, even for a weekend.

Although my DH and PIL were sad his brother wasn't there we understood, no falling out or bad feeling (well the odd sibling joke, but all in fun). I think if you explain it calmly to them it should be ok.

fuzzywuzzy Wed 20-Mar-13 18:30:17

They've been to hospital for the CMV test, they'd have been told there the risk to pregnant women no?

The inlaws from what I can gather pander to the BIL and as he's wound them up with suggestions that OP's parents got to see dd1 more as a baby and they now feel there's a competition, the PIL's have very specific requirements when it comes to being a houseguest and OP is not able to tolerate that especially if she will have just undergone major abodominal surgery and have a baby and toddler to take care of.

The disbleeif stems form the IL's refusing to agree to ab alternative to staying at OP's and the BIL and fiancee are in a league of their own to be honest.

The thread is understandable, OP needed to sort out her thoughts and get a perspective, she sounds like she and her DH tend to just do what IL's say for a quiet life right now there's a bit more at stake.

The IL's would be normal if they had immediately apologised on being told the risk CMV poses to a pregnant woman, but they've not done so.

clam Wed 20-Mar-13 18:48:56

I remember your previous thread about the wedding. And as if that wasn't bad enough, they've now trumped themselves with all this.

Bloody Hell!

dawntigga Wed 20-Mar-13 19:32:42

blush

My very own quiche, now can everyone get back to telling the op that she shouldn't go?

Op, you sound like you are wavering a little - can't remember who did a great summary but go back and read it.

DoNOTGotTiggaxx

Toastismyfriend Wed 20-Mar-13 20:04:43

Wise words Aldiwhore. (Not a phrase i have ever said in everyday life!!)

MapofTassie Wed 20-Mar-13 21:23:48

Excellent summary from Tortoise, and superb sign off from Tigga (once I actually worked it out!).
<not marking place at all>

MyDarlingClementine Wed 20-Mar-13 21:42:21

please tell me tiggas sign off.

farewellfarewell Wed 20-Mar-13 21:46:39

Listen to aldiwhore op, take her sound advice...believe me Ireland is a small place. How would you like to read this stuff about your family? YwereNBU but I really think you should consider letting this lie now. Best wishes with baby/house move by the way.

MummytoMog Wed 20-Mar-13 21:52:09

Oy va voy. I don't think you'll physically be able to go that soon after a section, but that's my opinion. I'm sure plenty of other people will tell you about how they built a house two minutes after giving birth to triplets by c section, while simultaneously breastfeeding all three...but I don't think I could actually do it.

When I thought DS had slapped cheek, I sent an email round the entire office, just in case anyone was pregnant. Which as it turns out, wasn't overreacting because someone was pregnant. I imagine if you know you have CMV, then you would know it could be dangerous for pregnant women and their babies. Or you are startlingly uninterested in your own health or that of other people.

CrysPally Wed 20-Mar-13 23:50:25

I've been lurking on this thread (and board!) - but I wanted to come in add my voice to the cautious side of things.

OP and DH have definitely been been treated worse than thoughtlessly by the ILs, but this thread is now brimming with recommendations for revenge insults, some of which would mean severing ties forever. As the tale has built over two long threads, it feels as if it theres now a bit of a yearning for an EastEnders style showdown.

Please don't! I'm inclined to side with shewhowrites and aldiwhore - OPs relationship with the ILs has definitely changed after this, but it will have to carry on in some form. In ten years time, there will still be Christmas presents and family events.

Also, and this isn't meant to excuse their behaviour at all, BIL and SIL would hardly be the first couple to become self-absorbed in the lead up to their wedding. Its a strange prism, and their actions, and their reactions to other people's, can be very heightened - often divorced from common sense.

ISeeSmallPeople Thu 21-Mar-13 00:47:23

You know the baby's passport can't possibly come on time, as you don't want rush choosing a name. smile
And the summer is an awfully busy time for registry and passport offices.

What a shame...

ZebraOwl Thu 21-Mar-13 01:58:27

Spent much of today (am ill-in-bed again) reading this thread & the earlier one.

Absolutely shocking stuff. If I'd not already been lying down I'd've fallen down in shock at various points I think - asking you to stop TTC in case you managed to have a much-wanted & hard-won (sorry, can't think of better way to phrase it) second child at a point that might upset their wedding plans. That's a level of self-centredness that would make gyroscopes jealous!

I do so hope both you & your baby haven't been infected with CMV; that your PiL [have] accept[ed] they'll not be staying with you; that the move goes well; that your DH learns to advocate for you & your children (& indeed for himself!) rather than maintaining the current unhealthy dynamic; that you heal both well & quickly from the CS; that your DD & DDog both bond happily with the new baby; that you can have & enjoy your bonding-bubble time with your family & have only visitors who're welcome & only help that is helpful; and that you don't go to the wedding but are able to put your Needs & those of your children above the Wants of your in-Laws.

It truly is boggling. Umph.

Astelia Thu 21-Mar-13 04:39:07

I can't get over the CMV situation. Awful. At least the long stay has been vetoed (hopefully). The wedding sounds like a nightmare. My suggestion- just send DH (if he really wants to go) and hang in there with the two little ones at home with some help from your mum.

AllOverIt Thu 21-Mar-13 06:58:59

I agree with Aldiwhore too.

Lambzig Thu 21-Mar-13 11:27:14

Agree with aldiwhore, but just wanted to say that with first ELCS I was fine after three days, runningn around and no painkillers. The second floored me, pain for weeks and no way could I have faced a wedding four weeks later if it had been held next door, let alone in another country.

I hope cmv results are good.

whilewildeisonmine Thu 21-Mar-13 11:45:30

Hope everything gets sorted eventually. I do sympathise, I wouldn't want anyone gate crashing our house at a time like this either. Good on you for standing up for yourself and I'm glad your DH can see where you're coming from now.

aldiwhore - you've effectively stopped georgie from posting. if she does she's 'gone on so long that actually it has become unreasonable'. she's a lovely person and has, in my view, been too reasonable.

she was getting support here coping with her untenable situation.

her il's ARE treating her appallingly and it's not just isolated incidents, but many biggies over the years. there are a lot of people who are used to dealing with abusive il's and georgie has every right to garner support.

'if any of your in-laws saw this they would be justifiable upset and angry, because they have no right of reply. ' - yes, it's cathartic to be able to talk about things without being shouted down or told we ARE unreasonable and hear that complete strangers on the web are on your side.

DontmindifIdo Thu 21-Mar-13 13:08:05

Agree with aldi, while they have been unreasonable, there is no need for a big show down, you can easily use the passport and not being able to travel as an excuse.

Dh and I also have a very hard work sil - but our mantra has been "don't say anything you'll regret every Christmas dinner for the next 30 years". This doesn't mean be a doormat, you can just stop putting yourself out.

For example, I used to deal with sil's changing food fads (every other week she was allergic to a new thing) as we had them over about once a fortnight, I'd fit round when they were free, having ds out of his routine and difficult etc, then she did a few things that makes her seem rather similar to yours. Rather than having a show down, I just withdrew. No more invites, invites to pil that fitted round sil but not us were just turned down. It helped that dbil moved jobs to being in an office building 5 mins walk from dh's so that they now meet for lunch every other week (meaning that dh can drop into conversation seeing his db to mil so she's not as aware of the rift). We did a duty visit at Christmas to deliver gifts to their dd, but other than that we've not seen them as a couple for nearly a year.

There's been no drama, if i need to see them I'm polite, still friends on Facebook and 'like' any picture of dn posted etc. but no more accommodating. "that doesn't work for us" and "no thank you" are good phrases. Most importantly, by never sinking to their level, sil is now the bonkers one as far as dh family are concerned. I'm seen as reasonable.

BlueberryHill Thu 21-Mar-13 13:24:50

I agree with DontmindifIdo and am going to follow the mantra about Christmas dinner. I think the withdrawing approach would help me.

Please avoid a big showdown over the wedding, I think they have all behaved awfully but if you cause a ruckus over the wedding they will so easily be able to paint you both as the bad guys. Once painted as such, anything that you say or do about CMV / staying at yours however reasonable will be similarly painted. It is an easy cop out for them. I wouldn't go in your place and would hole up at home with your parents to provide some support, use the passport / not recovering quickly enough as your excuse. If your DH 'cannot' look after his DD at the wedding due to the rounds of golf it is probably best that she stay at home. I think your DH, presuming he wants to go, should go to avoid a family show down.

Good luck with everything, remember I, and other posters don't have to live with the advice that we give. It is just that, you need to choose sensibly and calmly what you wish to do, I'm sure that you will do so.

shewhowines Thu 21-Mar-13 13:32:18

That's a great way of handling it dontmind .

I'd say that whether you are able to attend the wedding is probably a separate issue from all the other nonsense that's gone on. The fact is, you are very unlikely to be up for it so soon after your CS. And, since your DH has other 'duties' during the wedding, that means your DD will need to stay with you. It's really all a matter of practicalities.

DublinMammy Thu 21-Mar-13 14:10:23

Agree they have all behaved very badly but it's not worth the stress a huge showdown would cause. I'd be amazed if you were physically able to attend their wedding but don't turn a legitimate inability to attend into some sort of perceived revenge/up-yours situation.

Leave it for a few weeks and then let them know it's not going to be possible for you to go to the wedding but you are looking forward to the party at PIL's. Least said, soonest mended.

oldwomaninashoe Thu 21-Mar-13 15:39:54

CrysPally and Aldiwhore, make very valid points.
I have read both threads and think that the in-laws are guilty of thoughtlessness all round. BIL and SIL are completely caught up in their wedding and are focusing completely on that, obviously it is the most important thing in their lives. Similarly the PIL and their renovations, and it could be said that the OP has been concentrating of her imminent birth and her requirements surrounding it!.
Its all really got a bit hysterical from all sides with each of them feeling that their "interests" are the most important.
The OP is right to refuse to have the PIL's staying , it is unreasonable, and alternative living arrangements should have been factored in from the get go by the PIL's.
SIL is being a bridezilla, we've all known perfectly nice reasonable women who get infected by this, presumably when its all over she will become perfectly normal.

With regards going to the wedding the OP should see how she feels after the section. It may be that it has to be done earlier/later than planned, who knows. Her DH must go to the wedding and if the dd is looking forward to dressing up to be a bridesmaid it seems a little harsh that she should not go.
To me it would seem unwise to say at this stage "I will not be well enough to go" even if you know in your heart of hearts that you will not be well enough. It seems petty to say at this stage "I can't go neither can DD".

I would suggest the OP lets the dust settle and for the sake of her Dh and DC's try to maintain cordial relations even if they can never be close again.
Please avoid a showdown, it is something you will live to regret.

ithaka Thu 21-Mar-13 16:55:14

I disagree.

I reiterate - we both missed SIL wedding (that DD was meant to be bridesmaid at) due to her unreasonable behaviour. I am fortunate that my DH would always put me and our children above his family, so he was happy not to go.

Yes, they made a great big song and dance, but we were implacable, so in the end everyone had no choice but to deal with it. They came to us to build bridges and we graciously let them.

We have actually been on holiday with SIL & family since - had a great time.

So missing a wedding does not have to mean a family breakdown. It just means missing a wedding.

Do what is best for you an your family. Be polite but firm and then leave it at that. Post wedding, it will all seem a big fuss about nothing.

stickingattwo Thu 21-Mar-13 18:11:39

Aldi is right I think - I would hate for someone to be talking about my family like this ona public forum. Seems like its grown out of proportion.

Don't be trying to use passports as an excuse for not travelling to Ireland BTW as UK citizens don't need one just photo ID! Kids don't need I'd at all.

Creameggkr Thu 21-Mar-13 18:28:41

I have had much well documented troubles with my selfish in laws and have received a lot of support from mn.
I have also recurred criticism in the form of "you're a doormat" or "your dh has no back bone"
The thing is despite their behaviour I also have to take into account the fact that they are dh parents and he loves them no matter what.
I would struggle to be with a man who didn't love his parents.
The saddest thing I've seen is dh starting to dislike his parents because if their ridiculousness.
It's for this reason that I pick my battles and am also more upfront with them to avoid resentment.
So whilst I agree the ops pils have been idiots I also think its worth considering the impact upon your marriage in the long run.

HSMMaCM Fri 22-Mar-13 08:25:04

So ... not long enough to get a passport, but you could use the ferry with a birth certificate. I think you have 6 weeks to get that if you can't choose a name, so you might not have a birth certificate either.

Despite that, you have plenty of perfectly valid reasons not to go to the wedding and not to have PIL to stay.

bootsycollins Fri 22-Mar-13 08:39:53

HQ please employ tortoise to summarise every thread at regular intervals

I honestly think it would be best to set aside all the other crap and simply make the decision about whether to attend the wedding based purely on your own ability to go. Will you be able to go on a very long drive and then look after a newborn and a toddler on your own in an unfamiliar place so soon after your CS. That's really the crucial thing.

Everything else can be worried about in time. Well, expect the PILs wanting to live with you. But you've already made it clear that will not be happening. See if your BIL and SIL manage to pull their heads out of their own arses after they return from the honeymoon and then decide on what kind of relationship you want to maintain with them.

fridgepants Sat 23-Mar-13 21:57:47

I'm just reading part 1 and sympathising. My landlord - I'm a lodger - has invited his friend to stay in the house, indefinitely. I have just had my medication adjusted, so can do without a stranger being present on the sofa every night, and he is sleeping in the dining room on the floor, which is where my packing (I move out on Easter Monday) was meant to go. Last weekend, landlord, landlord's married girlfriend and the friend all sat round the TV watching Puppetry of the Penis. I'm moving out soon and it's going to be very hard to remain schtumm on my annoyance.

And I don't even have a newborn, never mind a DD to look after.

FriskyHenderson Wed 03-Jul-13 21:01:50

So OP, how are things?

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