To wonder why women tolerate this crap?(fb related)

(45 Posts)
hairtearing Tue 19-Mar-13 17:41:40

There's someone on my FB, has DC and has a DP who never looks after DC, never helps around the house, she never goes out because he makes a huge deal and starts arguments if she dares leave him to look after his own kids.
He's unemployed never gets up to do morning wake ups ever, her DC have to enjoy cartoons whilst he's asleep because as soon as he wakes up it has to be all his programs sad
She's always complaining about him, I wonder how many people are reading the posts thinking the same as me,
Am I right in thinking no man would tolerate this the other way round,?
If that was my OH he'd be under the patio by nowgrin

AIBU

HillBilly76 Tue 19-Mar-13 17:46:16

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TobyLerone Tue 19-Mar-13 17:47:24

I have no idea why anyone complains about their partner to anyone other than their partner.

Genuinely don't get it. What is the point?

Low self esteem, parents who modeled similar relationships, belief that any man is better that no man, thinking 'as long as he doesn't hit me, he's a good man'.

hairtearing Tue 19-Mar-13 17:51:05

I think often toby for moral support, to see if others agree wioth you,going through the same thing?

Maybe hilly, but its more important than their happiness isn't it? its their childrens, and there wellbeing.
from what I've read that child can't be happy sad

purrpurr Tue 19-Mar-13 17:52:02

Toby, because sometimes it's entirely possible to be grumpy and irritable and want to complain about one's partner, without them needing to be the recipient of said complaints?

hairtearing Tue 19-Mar-13 17:53:03

I commented last week on a post last week I couldn't sit on my hands, casually saying how my OH who literally works every hour god sends helps with my children and he wouldn't refuse. I hope I shamed that arsehole if he's reading angry

purrpurr Tue 19-Mar-13 17:53:21

Hair, YANBU, of course. Maybe the person on your FB should start a thread on Mumsnet so we can all be supportive and she can ignore it entirely and not change anything, because 'he's lovely really'.

TobyLerone Tue 19-Mar-13 18:00:16

Really, purr? I can't think of a situation where DH had annoyed me where it wouldn't be better just to tell him, so that he wouldn't do it again.

I don't agree with slagging one's partner (or anyone else) off on the internet, while passive-aggressively refusing to tell the person that they've done something wrong.

hairtearing Tue 19-Mar-13 18:13:15

You must disagree with half of mumsnet then toby grin

Poppet48 Tue 19-Mar-13 18:15:44

I also cannot understand why women on Facebook complain about their partners, Why do it so publicly where everyone who knows you knows that your relationship is suffering?

Do it on MN ;)

Ullena Tue 19-Mar-13 18:22:03

"I also cannot understand why women on Facebook complain about their partners, Why do it so publicly where everyone who knows you knows that your relationship is suffering?"

Why not be public? If someone is unhappy, why should they hide it?

HillBilly76 Tue 19-Mar-13 18:24:15

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TeWiSavesTheDay Tue 19-Mar-13 18:28:30

It's really hard, because sometimes I think people post these kind of status/have these kind of moans because they WANT you to validate that their OH is a shithead and they should LTB.

But it's very hard to say that to someone you know and risk them getting the hump.

JamieandtheMagicTorch Tue 19-Mar-13 18:33:48

Toby

I think that, in many cases, if it comes to the point of talking on the internet about your partner, then your partnership isn't that great, and talking to them won't help, as the Relationship section will attest. Unfortunately, I think some people don't realise how bad and unacceptable it is. Unless they come on MN.

BertieBotts Tue 19-Mar-13 18:35:49

Tell her to LTB.

Or get her on mumsnet by other stealth means, then we will grin

WowOoo Tue 19-Mar-13 18:36:54

I agree with Toby on this. I'd never moan about Dh on facebook.
I think I have bitched at him, but only for him putting some pictures on where I looked pisseda mess.

If she really is tolerating this crap, why doesn't she act instead of complaining?

Do you think he reads her facebook comments OP?
Would he react to it or would he give her grief for airing her dirty underwear as it were?

wannabeEostregoddess Tue 19-Mar-13 18:37:01

Hmm. Its tricky.

My ex was exactly like the twat described in the OP. I moaned about him to anyone but him. I dont know why. I just did.

I learnt from it though. My DP now isnt perfect (who is?) but he is far from useless and he does more around the place than me. We are very very private with our relationship and any problems we have we sort it with each other.

I think its a habit people get into. Maybe a bit foolish. I was young and stupid and it took me to spend three years as a single mum to figure out how I should be treated and what I would and wouldnt stand for. Is she young?

MoodyDidIt Tue 19-Mar-13 18:38:10

i think we share a fb friend op, she sounds just like my good mate

sad

and i do not for the life of me understand why women put up with these complete and utter useless wastes of air

JamieandtheMagicTorch Tue 19-Mar-13 18:38:33

wannabe

just interested - was the fact that you wanted to moan publicly about him a sign that it wasn't that great?

wannabeEostregoddess Tue 19-Mar-13 18:44:09

I think so. It was utterly shit. He was physically and emotionally abusive. He was spending all our money on weed. Even when that stopped just before DD was born he was still vile. Maybe even worse.

I think I told other people because I had to process what was happening somehow. It wasnt on facebook, I didnt have it then. And a lot of the worst stuff I kept in. But I talked about him constantly.

wannabeEostregoddess Tue 19-Mar-13 18:46:57

That said, I also believe that couples who are keen on constant PDAs on facebook and go on about how great everything is are also not doing great behind closed doors. I have known a lot of couples like this.

TobyLerone Tue 19-Mar-13 19:23:51

Oh, I disagree with most of MN, hair grin

Cricrichan Tue 19-Mar-13 19:31:10

I don't understand the point of anyone who just lies around doing nothing and would never tolerate anyone like that in my life. What on earth is a grown man doing getting up late and watching tv all day ?? I'd tell him to either get a job or get out, or look after the kids and I'll get a job.

thezebrawearspurple Tue 19-Mar-13 19:53:55

The type of person who bitches about their oh (or anyone for that matter) on facebook all day is not exactly a catch, the useless bastard is their male equivalent and they're stuck in the muck with each other because no self respecting person would touch them with a barge pole.

TobyLerone Tue 19-Mar-13 20:23:59

Quite, thezebra!

BlackMaryJanes Tue 19-Mar-13 20:27:53

Am I right in thinking no man would tolerate this the other way round,?

Co-dependent men exist.

HollyBerryBush Tue 19-Mar-13 20:30:35

I CBA with people who live their sordid lives through FB>

Why would you want to keep posting effectively, that you such low self worth that any man is better than no man? Because that's what it amounts to.

Darkesteyes Tue 19-Mar-13 20:47:51

TobyLerone i think in the case of the OP her friends DH sounds abusive and controlling to me so talking to him and trying to reason with him is probably not an option.

MoodyDidIt Tue 19-Mar-13 21:04:28

I CBA with people who live their sordid lives through FB

oh i love them, have loads on mine. who needs jeremy kyle the telly .... ;)

thebody Tue 19-Mar-13 23:27:34

Depends some people just want to vent,
Some are just martyrs and like to he treated like this as its passive aggressive controlling,
And some exaggerate as no one really knows the inside power balance of a relationship,

And at the end of the day each relationship is what the person settles for at that particular time, may change and may not.

Hissy Wed 20-Mar-13 07:44:24

If he makes a 'fuss' when she tries to go out.... this could be shorthand for abuse.

She needs an ear, not a snippy FB comment. Be sympathetic, offer to listen, if ever she needs it.

MoodyDidIt Wed 20-Mar-13 09:19:50

my friend's "d" p won't even look after their children when she goes out (which is rare) she has to ask her parents to babysit

a few months ago i had a few friends round for (child-free!) drinks in the evening, she turned up with her dcs in their pj's cos he "wouldn't babysit" ...i think i may have posted about it at the time blush

tbh that alone would have me packing his bags the useless cunt

whats wrong with some men? i'd rather be single

All a bit Victorian, isn't it, this 'silence in public' policy? confused

I find people who constantly moan/PDA annoying, so does everyone. But IMO it's normal to talk about your relationship with your mates some of the time. Not asking for any help only works if you are sure you will never need any outside help (naive, or in a perfect relationship that few of us have).

quoteunquote Wed 20-Mar-13 10:02:19

odd attitude, suggesting that people isolate themselves when they are struggling to cope with abusive behaviour. hmm

I wonder who would benefit from that.

hairtearing Wed 20-Mar-13 10:21:29

I think fb is different to mumsnet though for obvious reasons, not anon, likely to have family and friends on there.

Her family often comment like 'not likely' 'you've got no chance' if that was my daughter I think I'd name and shame more than that but its hard, because it can also push her closer to them.

some said does fuss mean abuse? well i was told he gets face on, mardy, arguing etc.

To another poster, fairly young mid twenties.

I also to rant about my partner online,not fb though :/, I feel ashamed and new it was wrong, but in my defence I wasn't being treat well at all, I had tried to have calm discussions with DP about issues but had got nowhere, I felt I needed someone to 'hear me' being mistreated by loved one is very isolating experience.

Well, what you're describing in the OP - and I accept you're only getting her side of the story - is pretty nasty behaviour. I don't know what you label 'abuse' and what you don't, but he sounds like it, to be honest.

I don't get why it's 'wrong' to rant about your partner online. It isn't. You're not there to be the guardian of his reputation in the world.

Booyhoo Wed 20-Mar-13 10:28:12

My exp genuinely believed/believes that we should have stayed together no matter what because we had children together. we rowed constantly and both of us were miserable but to him that wasn't a reason to separate and we both should have just put up with it. his parents feel the same and have voiced this opinion to friends of mine since we split "she made her bed- she needs to lie in it".

some people dont believe they can ever justify ending a relationship.

hairtearing Wed 20-Mar-13 10:29:14

I accept its mental/emotional but just clarifying I don't think its physcial

although letting someone do all the wake up calls i.e is pretty close.

I think endlessly slagging someone off is wrong IMO, shit or get off the pot at the end of the day.

put like on here when people have genuine concerns I think its okay,

Abuse is abuse, though. If it's not physical, fair enough, but that doesn't make it less abuse (if that is what is going on).

People who're in shitty relationships frequently don't have the tools to get out of them. This is horrible, but it's not the fault of the person who's being treated badly. Being treated like that can totally erode your sense of self-worth, not to mention - in this case - probably making the poor woman so absolutely knackered she hasn't much energy to spare.

You're calling what she's doing 'slagging someone off', but what are you doing? You know? I get you feel you're raising an important point, doing it once, and doing it anonymously so that's ok, but I bet she feels what she is doing is ok too.

If you want to help her, get in touch, tell her privately you've noticed she keeps posting the same worries and that honestly you reckon it is time she took some action. That way at least she will know you feel there is something to it all and someone's noticing all her posts.

hairtearing Wed 20-Mar-13 10:46:39

I posted above that I posted on one status saying that my partners helps out etc not in a nasty way just laying out the facts, I hope it either shames him or she reads and thinks 'hmmm' theres nothing more I can do I'm not that close, she does now and again whinge to me which I understand, as I said before, I've been there.
I tell hers its not good and I'm honest with her, there's nothing more I can do.

Just to be clear, the slagging off to me isn't a huge issue , I just wouldn't personally do it fb, that wasn't my point of this thread, my point was why does she tolerate it?.

I reckon if we knew why people tolerated this stuff we'd all get to go out and celebrate. sad

I'm just saying, it's definitely not just her. It's a really well-known thing, the way people respond to wanker partners. That's why it's such a big problem.

I hope what you posted does make her think and I think it's completely the right sort of thing to post, FWIW. If I were her that's what I'd need to see, someone telling me it's not normal and other people don't live like this.

KellyElly Wed 20-Mar-13 11:21:21

Really, purr? I can't think of a situation where DH had annoyed me where it wouldn't be better just to tell him, so that he wouldn't do it again. Did you read OP's description of her friend's partner?? I'm assuming as he won't even look after his own children he's not going to be very receptive to an adult conversation.

hairtearing Wed 20-Mar-13 11:27:23

Thats what I thought LRD, i assume they will be plenty 'hes a waste of space' that hasn't turned the light on yet.

So just and honest, well my DP works and help with the kids?

is maybe whats needed. As I said in another post IME, any discussion sulking,storming off would follow would never get anywhere, its was the only place I could get a coherant response.

I think so. It must be incredibly frustrating for you.

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