Note: Please bear in mind that whilst this topic does canvass opinions, it is not a fight club. You may disagree with other posters but we do ask you please to stick to our Talk Guidelines and to be civil. We don't allow personal attacks or troll-hunting. Do please report any. Thanks, MNHQ.

To make my grown sons move to their Dads???????

(55 Posts)
lollaby Tue 19-Mar-13 13:13:15

This will be long winded but please, please stick with me, I'm desperate and about to freak out!!!
I'm a single Mum and I'm going crazy!!!
I had my first son at 18 and my other at 20. By the age of 21 I separated from their Dad and raised them on my own (although they did go to their Dads/Grans every second weekend and they are now very close to their fathers family, more so then mine) Anyway I've spent most of my life raising my sons. As kids they were sweet and adorable and all was good, but when they hit 14 it all changed, almost like they became possessed and turned into "knowing it all smart arsed teenagers". They are now 19 and 20... And nothing has changed!! if anything they now behave like the Gurus of the twenty first century and I should bow down to them when ever blessed with their presence.
There not bad boys i.e there not verbally abusive (they don't swear, well not in front of me anyway) but they do constantly call each other "idiot" or "fool" and other belittling names way too many to list, there not violent, they don't do drugs or steal or anything like that, they both go college and work part time, they both contribute financially when they can, but money is not the issue here.
My youngest son is off to Uni this September, friends and family say I'm blessed and so lucky to have them, my eldest has even been called the perfect son and in many ways he is, I love them both dearly and am so proud of them, that will never change, my love is unconditional (well sometimes) but for the last 5 years or more they both have this attitude (especially the eldest) that their the head's of the house, they both constantly undermine me and completely disregard what I say. I feel like I'm becoming a nagging, resentful old hag and I'm only 39.
We argue all the time, over stupid little things, they don't swear but they argue back and refuse to back down, I'm always the one to apologize first just to stop the negative vibes and because I feel so bad that I shouted at them. I tell them I love them and we need to find a better way to communicate, we kiss and hug but the same thing happens again. They both don't take me seriously at all, its like an endless battle or a continuous power struggle and I'm just fed up. Sometimes I actually feel like I hate them which makes me feel awful. I don't hate them, they just drive me mad.
We argue over the T.V all the time, they want to watch the bloody football as there's always some really important game on which seems to be when ever I want to watch something, I always back down and let them watch the stupid game and in turn they dominate the living room.
I also have an 8 year old daughter from a different relationship that didn't work, 8 months ago my daughter was diagnosed with Leukemia and has regular Chemo this treatment will last until November 2014. My eldest constantly teases his sister which isn't helpful or productive in any way, when I tell him to stop he just tells me not to get involved at that point I want to smack him, when I get angry they both either laugh condescendingly or moan about the sound of my voice, at that point I want to jump out the window or whack both their heads together.
The constant arguing is not healthy for my daughter and is a terrible example, she's now showing the same attitude towards me, always answering back and just seems to be ruder when her brothers are around, when their not at home she's sweet as pie, not sure if she picks up on my frustration or just mimics her brothers behavior. She also calls them "stupid" or "idiots" as that's what she hears them call each other. I hate these belittling words being thrown around the house so casually. I need to prioritize my daughter right now.
They always have an opinion on everything I do, I don't date and haven't dated for over 5 years as its just too awkward and my eldest son is always checking up on me. They come and go as they please coming home anytime they like, I don't mind as its the only time I get some peace and to be honest its the only time I get on with my eldest son, usually because his had a few drinks and isn't so up-tight.
3 weeks ago it was my 39th birthday, my eldest son didn't get me anything not even a card when I said to him jokingly a card would have been nice, he freaked out and was extremely rude. We argued but this time I didn't say sorry, I wanted to see what he would do, well 3 weeks later and we are still not talking. He walks around the house all moody and grumpy and its driving me insane.
When I have told them to go to their Dads they basically roll their eyes at me and never take me seriously but now I've had enough and I feel its time for them to either move out or live with their Dad or their Gran otherwise I feel like I'm about to go insane, we are at a deadlock and I cant keep backing down and apologizing, ultimately I want them to be happy but not at the price of my sanity.
The only problem is, my sons don't want to go, I guess its because they wont have as much freedom there as they do here and they cant huff and puff as their father will put them in their place also because he lives in a different area but its not to far, just a short bus drive and my eldest drives anyway, I suppose it just wont be so convenient for them to chill with their friends or do the things they do locally i.e football, football and more football (by the way their Dad loves football too) I'm guessing these are the reasons as they wont tell me why they don't want to move there when I ask them, sometimes they agree and say "OK", they go to their Dads or their Grans but they don't take nothing with them and they keep coming back to collect their bloody football kit and then after a few nights there back and we start all over again.
I also want my life back, is that wrong ??? I have given them twenty years of my life (some may say the best years of my life) do I have to give them the next best twenty years too? As a mother am a destined to be a martyr to my kids for the rest of my life??? Or can I claim my life back when they hit 18 or 20 or 21 ??? Or should I just wait until their ready??? It's getting tougher out there especially for the youth, is it my job to shelter them until they can afford to move out independently ??? And why oh why do I feel so guilty all the time ??? After all they are grown arsed men right ???
Sorry for the long story but any advise or opinions will be greatly appreciated.

coffeewineandchocolate Tue 19-Mar-13 13:18:15

Sounds like they have no respect for you. I think i would sit down with then together, explain how you feel, what you expect and tell then its your house, your rules and if they don't like it they can go. If its been going on a while they probably don't think you are serious

diddl Germany Tue 19-Mar-13 13:26:01

I think that you have to lay down some rules as to how you expect to be treated & how you expect them to treat their sister.

They either do-or they're out!

It's not as if they don't have other options.

hiddenhome Tue 19-Mar-13 13:26:40

I agree with coffee You need to reclaim your life and minimise the stress on your daughter as this can interfere with the body's ability to heal.

pollyblue Tue 19-Mar-13 13:29:11

I'd left home by the time i was 19. They are fit, capable adults but it sounds like they are behaving like overgrown children still. And now they are adults they should understand that respect and consideration aren't one-way streets and - legally - you don't have to put up with their nonsense if you choose not to.

No, i don't think you should martyr yourself for your children, or expect to put your own life on hold - supporting/caring/loving them shouldn't come at the expense of your sanity or happiness.

I'm sorry about your DD sad Have your spoken to your ex about it all? are things amicable between you - could you come up with a plan of action re your ds's together?

MisForMumNotMaid Tue 19-Mar-13 13:29:40

Wow lots of frustration and a fair bit of resentment has built up so i'll try to disect my understanding and you can correct me:

Your Adult DC are treating home like a hotel where you're the proprieter and they're doing you a favour by living their.

Your DD who is in your sole care is very poorly and needs more of your time than normal.

Your elder DS's lack of respect is rubbing of on your impressionable DD.

You feel like a slave to parenthood and can see no light at the end of the tunnel and have found yourself in a situation that means you have no life outside parenthood.


I think you need to decide YOUR house rules, for the benefit and sanity of you all.

I would start with monetary rules as these effect them where it hurts most and are a reflection of the real world.

I would also list chores to be shared particularly if they are unable to help out much financially.

I think that they need to set up a rota to help out with your DD so that you can go out to a health spa/ shopping/ on a date at least once a week. You need this for your sanity.

I think stroppy DS needs to grow a pair and appologise for ignoring your birthday and if he can't appologise he needs to have his bags packed and go to his dads soon.

You sound like outside of your hotel you've raised DC to be proud of, so you've got the stuff you need to make them behave as well inside the house. I'm sure others will be along with more experience than me but i wanted to let you k ow that someone is listening.

" when I tell him to stop he just tells me not to get involved"
shock
You do need to do something, don't you sad?

These two young men are adults, and they are very disrespectful adults to boot. Can you involve their father/Fran, get them to reinforce that they are moving and that is all there is to it?

Gran, not Fran, doh!

Lueji Tue 19-Mar-13 13:46:45

Yes, your house, your rules.
They can leave, as they are both adults.
You can pack their bags and have them by the door when they come in.

FloatyBeatie Tue 19-Mar-13 13:46:49

At their age it is perfectly ok to tell them that they have to find housing for themselves.

It doesn't have to be a question of saying they must go to their Dad's or their Gran's -- it isn't up to you to resolve for them the question of where they live. Telling them they must go to a relative feels like telling them that they are still children whose parents will sort things out for them.

Say they must move out and give them a time schedule within which that has to be achieved. It's up to them then to work out where else they must live.
Once they accept that housing them is now their responsibility not yours, then you can IF YOU WANT TO offer that they can continue to stay with you on decent, adult terms, i.e. paying a fixed rent and with full adult responsibility for sharing chores, as well as an obligation to treat you with respect.

Flisspaps Tue 19-Mar-13 13:48:39

At 19 and 20 they're perfectly capable if renting their own place(s). In your shoes, I'd tell them it's time to leave.

DontmindifIdo Tue 19-Mar-13 13:50:15

I think some serious conversations need to be had. Personally, yes, i think you should suggest they go to live with their dad for a while, could you speak to your Ex first and check he'd be ok with this then say over the summer you'd like them to move to their dads (although maybe the youngest going to uni it might be better saying when he comes back at Christmas it's to his dads, not yours, saving him moving then moving again a couple of months later). Present it as a united front that you need to deal with younger DD's health issues and don't have the energy now.

mummytime Belgium Tue 19-Mar-13 13:51:09

One is off to University soon, what is the other doing? You should make it clear to them that your home is the home of you and their sister now. If they want to stay they needto pay "upkeep" and act respectfully.

They are old enough to leave home, they don't have to live with either you or their father, and maybe moving out will give them some more respect.

TroublesomeEx Tue 19-Mar-13 13:53:26

You need to start being firm with the boundaries NOW!

This is what happens when parents make threats they don't follow through with and it sounds as though you've been doing this and hoping that the threat of a sanction will be enough.

Their behaviour/attitude towards you won't change unless you change your behaviour/attitude towards them. You need to take control of this situation now. If you want them out of your house - get them out of your house.

Booyhoo Tue 19-Mar-13 13:53:29

WOW!

who the hell was doing the sterling job of raising these boys with such a horrible attitude towards their mother? is their father like that towards women?

i would be disgusted if my dcs treated me with so little respect.

KatyTheCleaningLady Tue 19-Mar-13 13:53:32

I think you should pack their shit, put it on the porch, and change the locks.

Although maybe you should give them the opportunity to leave peacefully.

I wouldn't try to make them behave. They don't know how and they won't change unless they go through a very painful period of adjustment. Like having to move out.

Seriously, they need to go.

Merrylegs Chile Tue 19-Mar-13 13:55:10

Practical things, wrt to the football on tv for eg - do you have Sky or some kind of paid for channels? Because that is where the most football is. If so, unsubscribe.

msrisotto Tue 19-Mar-13 13:55:11

Yeah it's time for them to move out.

You're not still doing their washing are you? And cooking for them? Are you taking a decent amount of rent from them? It may be that they're just too comfortable if you're being too hospitable!

crashdoll Tue 19-Mar-13 13:58:44

I'd be a little softer than some of the above posters. I'd write a list of house rules, set the boundaries down and give them a month. Then, pack their bags if they put a foot out of line. You deserve to relax in your own home.

rollmeover Tue 19-Mar-13 13:59:59

I left home at 17 to go to uni - they are not babies, if they want to to keep a roof over their head they need to respect what you provide for them.

I think you have to give it one last talk. Schedule a time, sit round the dinner table, work out the house rules and make it very clear that should these be ignored then they will be show the door/have priviledges removed (no washing, cooking, shopping, payment towards digs). Write it down, like a lease so if they break the rules they can't complain.

You dont have to put up with this and your daughter certainly does not.

Whats your relationship like with their father? Can you get him on side?

JustinBsMum Tue 19-Mar-13 14:00:39

I don't see how telling them to move out will achieve anything - let's face it they don't listen to a word you say about anything else.

It's a shame you didn't date a bit - that would have shaken their confidence (eeek a new 'dad' to live with) and also let them see you as a woman in your own right not a doormat mum as you are now.

They aren't going to become loving and respectful, or not for a long time, possibly until they have a family of their own, but even then they won't have much respect for you as they have none now.

Sitting them down for 'talking to' is pointless imo.

If I was you I would pack their bags and say that you are sick of not being treated with respect and they can live with their Dad until they feel able to speak nicely to you. and that would be it, no negotiating, no threats or ranting at them, no ok try it for a while, no well you can come back in 6 months when you can speak pleasantly, nada

Your poor, poor DD and poor you. You deserve a life, love, pleasure and excitement, relaxation in your own home. Get the selfish little shits them out now.

Oh and definitely change the locks.

rollmeover Tue 19-Mar-13 14:01:46

Oh, and by the way, you sound like a really lovely mum, whose boys are a credit it to you in the outside world - you just need to get them to treat you the same way they would do a friend or a teacher.

JustinBsMum Tue 19-Mar-13 14:05:35

Agree with rollmeover probably quite pleasant to everyone else. but need their arses well kicked.

FloatyBeatie Tue 19-Mar-13 14:06:34

Agree with that rollmeover! I don't think there is any need for posters to assume op is a lousy mum and her sons "little shits". It's just a very difficult transitional time in which boundaries need to be set or the boys won't make the move from comfortable irresponsibility to adulthood.

PanpiperAtTheGatesOfYawn Tue 19-Mar-13 14:09:47

People will not change without the impetus to change. So you can threaten and threaten all you like, but if you do not follow through they will not change.

They are adults, you have done your job - hell, in another era the older boy would be married by now - you do not have to feel guilty about wanting your own life.

You can either write a list of house rules like rollmeover suggests (from my perspective this at least with salve your conscience when you did kick them out), or frankly you would be within your rights just to pack up their stuff and change the locks as others suggest.

And you really need to concentrate on your daughter. A 20 year old endlessly teasing an 8 year old who is sick with cancer? That's AWFUL. sad

He is treating your daughter with as little respect as he does you. Do you want that forever?

JustinBsMum Tue 19-Mar-13 14:11:20

It's just a very difficult transitional time in which boundaries need to be set or the boys won't make the move from comfortable irresponsibility to adulthood

That may be the case but they are still behaving like little shits, transitional little shits maybe, but little shits none the less.

PanpiperAtTheGatesOfYawn Tue 19-Mar-13 14:11:27

Oh, and I left home when I was 18 too. Of course it would have been very nice to have an unpaid cook and cleaner but I didn't need one, and it definitely made be grow up, which I badly needed!

MaBumble Tue 19-Mar-13 14:15:08

I have two boys, grown up now and I love them to bits, but I know exactly where you are coming from!

Stop arguing with them. Let them say what ever they want to say, just don;t argue back. You house, your telly, your rules. They want to do whatever they want - fine - get their own place. Until them you set the rules.

I've gone to work with plugs, remote and mouse balls in my bag when removing privileges. I've cooked for myself (but there was food to cook in the fridge so they didn't have to starve). I stopped washing and ironing their clothes as they were more than capable of doing it themselves. I stopped answering to them for my social life where it it not impact them.

Set the rules. Do it calmly, no shouting, no anger (and no wobbly bottom lip!)
If they don't follow the rules - they go to their Dads.

SlowLooseChippings Tue 19-Mar-13 14:16:48

They've had enough chances.

I'd ask them calmly to sit down at the kitchen table some evening, and explain that three adults in a house is a bit too crowded and you feel you all need your own space. I wouldn't mention the disrespect or lack of manners - that's opening up for a fight - just that you need all your energy to deal with DD's health issues and you don't have the head space to argue over chores or tv.

Set a timescale for them to move out. If they don't leave, they will continue to take you for granted. They've never known you as an adult who isn't just there for them all the time. They need some distance to gain that perspective - and respect will follow. You've heard that familiarity breeds contempt, no doubt - time to be a little less familiar.

When they leave, ask them to take a bag this time. And set a time for them to pick up the rest of their stuff, so no coming back for football kit, "my other jacket", etc. Be prepared to pack it up for them. If they don't collect it, bag it up and put it in the garage. Strip the beds and put the bedding away in the cupboard. You need to make their bedrooms send a message that they don't belong here any more. Your door is always open, there's always a space at your table etc, but you need to make it clear that your house might be their last refuge if they needed it but it will not be their convenient crash pad. It might go against everything you feel to make your home unwelcoming - especially if you start to miss them - but as you say, you don't owe them the next 20 years!

They need to create their own living space as adults, and hard as it seems, while they have that living space already comfortably carved out at yours there's no impetus to get off their arses and do it themselves.

Finola1step Tue 19-Mar-13 15:04:13

I really hope that my post does not upset you but, it sounds like they really do not understand just how seriously ill their sister is. All the talking about boundaries etc is all well and good. The priority here is your daughter and getting her well. You both need peace and rest to be able to deal with the months ahead.

So, one or both of the boys will have to move out in order to create a calmer, healthier home for your daughter. I wish you all the very best.

HebeJeeby Tue 19-Mar-13 15:04:25

Hi - have you thought about family mediation - it's not just for couples who are separating. YOu can talk about the issues at hand and together work at a solution that you can all live with.

seriouscakeeater Tue 19-Mar-13 15:19:12

Get them our hun, there old enough and big enough, I had my own place at 16 xx.

JustinBsMum Tue 19-Mar-13 15:21:13

My take is that they don't KNOW that you are actually doing them a favour by making them stand on their own two feet. So discussing what's best with them can be a bad move.
But there is, mixed with that, the untying of mother's apron strings at this age where they think they are adult but without the responsibilities. This can make them rude and dismissive of you, but you need to make it clear you are an individual with your own needs and wishes, and, obviously, that includes living without being ignored or having to listen to slanging matches in your own home.

Move them out.

Cricrichan Tue 19-Mar-13 16:11:12

I think they are behaving like this because they can. It's your house and your tv. Tell them what you want to watch and if they're not happy about it then they can get their own tv - simple.

Do they help out around the house, cook, do laundry etc? If they don't, then make sure they do. If they refuse then stop doing it for them.

I think you should start going out and dating. You have two babysitters so now is the perfect time for you. Give you all a little break from each other and make you all appreciate each other more.

HoneyStepMummy Tue 19-Mar-13 18:44:10

OP- sending you a virtual hug and some flowers. I can relate somewhat because I see myself being in the same position in a couple of years.I don't think it's as simple as just telling them to get out of the house. They're your kids and you love them, but them living in their childhood home as adults isn't working out.
How is your relationship with their Dad or Gran? Could you invlove them in this? It really is time for them to change their ways or get out, but it seems like a) you need some support and help in getting them out and b) you need to come up with a game plan to help them get out. Your youngest is off to Uni in September, so doesn't that mean he'll be moving out? Do you think you might get on better with your older son once he's gone?
I second HeebeJeeby's suggestion of mediation. And they really need to grow up and understand how sick their sister is.

Grinkly Tue 19-Mar-13 19:53:40

Perhaps the DD's serious illness is raising stress levels in the house and the DSs are being more 'boisterous' and 'naughty' than usual because they don't know how to handle it. They still need some firm boundaries though.

StuntGirl Tue 19-Mar-13 19:56:11

Boisterous and naughty? These are adults, not toddlers.

lollaby Tue 19-Mar-13 22:56:16

Thank you to everyone who took the time to read and reply to my post, its confirmed what I knew I had to do.
I have spoken to my son's Dad and he is more then happy for them to live with him or his Mum and he agrees their attitude stick's.
I packed my eldest sons stuff and when he came home he was surprised to see his stuff in suitcases he didn't like it and made a lot of noise dragging the case's down the stairs, when I approached to speak to him he just told me not to speak to him and walked out the house very angry. I guess its done!! It wasn't that hard after all, but I think he hates me right now. I didn't get the time to pack my younger sons stuff and when he walked in today, I just didn't have the hart to tell him he had to go, I figured he'll be in Uni in 5 months so I will leave it for a few days but if he steps out of line his stuff will be packed too.
I suppose this is what they call "Kicking them out the nest" But its tough love all the way now, enough is enough my baby girl needs to heal and need me to be strong not stressed.
Thank you all again

lollaby Wed 20-Mar-13 00:23:59

I agree with PanpiperAtTheGatesOfYawn, SlowLooseChippings and JustinBsMum and all the other Mums who say enough chance's, I'm chanced out!!! I know I have let my younger son stay but when the eldest is not around there's some peace in the house and I know he will be out come September but if he does step out of line then to his Dad's or Grans or whatever, I don't even have the energy to care so much anymore.
To HoneyStepMum thanks for the hug and flowers smile)
I would love to comment on everyone's response but obviously I cant.
Reply to Grinkly, the stress was here before she got sick, it calmed down for a while but in the last month as we have all adjusted to the situation, the same old shit has started again, answering back and the rest of it.
Don't get me wrong I do argue back and sometimes this leads to shouting matches mostly with my eldest, but it's not good and I cant do it anymore.
We have talked, come up with agreements, done chore rota's and money to be paid but to be honest its never that easy I have to constantly remind them and in the end their promise's and agreements were all a load of bollocks anyway.
If I'm really honest I think whats happened here is that at their Grans they have grown up used to seeing the women serving the men hand and foot, they are Muslim/Arabs (No offence to anyone out there, I'm a Muslim/Arab too only born and bred in London) What I'm saying is that culturally the women serve the men fall stop, things don't run like that at my place, I say that but then, I still cook for them, wash their clothes, do the shopping and all the cleaning (not their bedroom though) But I cook for my daughter so it seems only normal to cook for us all and trust me if I don't the kitchen will end up an absolute tip, especially if my youngest son is cooking, which then leads to more arguments. The difference at mine is that I argue with them about helping out with the chores and stuff, don't get me wrong my eldest does help out with the cleaning, his almost OCD with his cleaning, but he gets grumpy when I haven't cleaned the place and its a bit messy, he will start cleaning but he will make such a fuss so everyone can feel the tension and then start arguing with his brother calling him an idiot and a lazy fool, its just not worth it.
My younger son is lazy when it comes to cleaning and I'm always nagging at him. I think they think as a Mum I'm not doing a great job because dinner isn't always on the table and the house isn't always spotless. They haven't said this but I pick it up especially from my eldest but saying all this they really are good men outside the house, respectful, helpful, constructive, productive and all the things a good man should be, its just at home they expect so much and are just too fucking moody.
Anyway I've had enough, I'm done with trying to over analyze why they behave like this or that, It's about my Daughter now, I have to give her the next 20 years, they have had their share and they can go to their Grans and be served hand and foot because it's not gonna happen here anymore.
THANK'S TO ALL YOU LOVELY LADYS.

lollaby Wed 20-Mar-13 00:43:21

Also one last thing, this is for MisForMumNotMaid you got it spot on!! the only thing is I'm done with talking, its time for action, I read somewhere "That sometimes some people will never take the leap if they are not pushed" Its time to push.
Thank you for listening it means a lot, especially when friends and family just keep telling me how lucky I am to have such lovely boy's. They are lovely but they need to move out!!!

HermioneHatesHoovering Wed 20-Mar-13 02:00:52

They will be even lovelier from a distance, i.e. when they have moved out smile

mrssmartarse Wed 20-Mar-13 02:58:28

I was in the army, married, expecting and running my own house by 18! grin

It's time you man up, stop enabling their behaviour & tell them to shape up or ship out wink

First sign of disrespect you pack their things and call their dad hmm these little shits boys are treating you like a doormat confused

Sending thanks be strong Op as you've got enough going on with regards your daughter right now xxx

b4bunnies Wed 20-Mar-13 05:50:57

i got about half way through your post and you had me fully convinced.
give them notice to quit - leave by 1 april. they're big enough to take it.

don't bother with house rules - you've left it 16 and 18 years too late.

b4bunnies Wed 20-Mar-13 05:54:14

and its great to see you've already done it!

b4bunnies Wed 20-Mar-13 05:58:31

and when they have their own families, they'll understand how much you did for them.

MimiSunshine Wed 20-Mar-13 06:44:09

You're doing the right thing. My brother was a bit like this. It's like they think "I'm an adult now you can't tell me off, or interfere" but forget that if they were truly adult they'd treat you and your home with more respect.
My mum let a lot of my brothers diresoectful behaviour eventually go as he would never back down and it wasn't sustainable to argue for days.

I think she (and you) were hoping that he (they) would wake up one day and realise how much of a brat he was being. It won't happen because there was no impetus to do so. So she packed his bags told him to find a place and move out. It wasn't the end of the relationship and now he's better, not perfect and still half expects to be waited on when he visits but boundaries were set and he grew up finally

Lueji Wed 20-Mar-13 06:52:33

Good on you.
At least the youngest will know you mean it when you say you'll pack his stuff!
That is worth a lot. smile

And you also did it for your DD.

KatyTheCleaningLady Wed 20-Mar-13 07:51:35

I'm glad your ex is helpful. That's wonderful.

I hope your younger son takes a hint and amends his behaviour. If not, chuck him out, too!

BramshawHill Wed 20-Mar-13 08:48:21

I would sit them down, explain things need to change NOW or you will have to ask them to leave. State your problems calmly and rationally so they know you mean business, if they scoff and don't believe you, tell them their possessions will be packed in boxes by the end of the week, they have until then to find a place to stay.

By the end of the week, if they haven't changed, DO IT! Pack their stuff up, leave it in the hall for when they get home and take their house keys back.

They don't respect you because they've gotten away with it so far, the only way they'll change is if you force them to

BramshawHill Wed 20-Mar-13 08:48:22

I would sit them down, explain things need to change NOW or you will have to ask them to leave. State your problems calmly and rationally so they know you mean business, if they scoff and don't believe you, tell them their possessions will be packed in boxes by the end of the week, they have until then to find a place to stay.

By the end of the week, if they haven't changed, DO IT! Pack their stuff up, leave it in the hall for when they get home and take their house keys back.

They don't respect you because they've gotten away with it so far, the only way they'll change is if you force them to

lollaby Wed 20-Mar-13 10:15:15

"It's time you man up, stop enabling their behaviour & tell them to shape up or ship out"
mrssmartarse your right!!!

FloatyBeatie Wed 20-Mar-13 10:22:44

Well done. That's terrific. Glad it has worked out well, and best wishes for your daughter's speedy recovery. thanks

Lueji Wed 20-Mar-13 11:49:13

BramshawHill
r e a d t h e u p d a t e s . . .

PanpiperAtTheGatesOfYawn Thu 21-Mar-13 14:40:43

well done lollaby. your son will forgive you, you'll be able to sit down and talk about it without emotion in a couple of months. In the immediate future you'll feel like you'll be able to breathe.

And if your younger son starts acting up, remember, you can always point out that DS1 was asked to leave, no matter how soon he's going to uni, he can be too... grin

I think you are doing the right thing

IIWY I would also tell younger son that either things change (and detail the changes) or you will pack up his things too.

I think this is helpful
http://www.loveandlogic.com/pages/getalife.html

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now