To be waiting for the perfect proposal

(110 Posts)
Oopsiedaisie Tue 19-Mar-13 11:29:00

Nearly three years ago when I found out I was pregnant it was a surprise but both DP and I were very happy about it. I did say that I wished we were married already though. A year later DP proposed but not in a remotely romantic way (didn't get down on one knee, in a busy public place and hadn't even planned a meal or anything afterwards). I couldn't hide my disappointment and so we had a big emotional discussion and he agreed he would do it again more romantically. Almost two years later and I'm still waiting. (Admittedly in that time we've had another child and moved countries twice). Every so often I bring it up and he says he wants to do it but hasn't had time/ doesn't know what to do/ was hurt after last time etc... Last time we spoke about it he essentially admitted it was his laziness that meant it hadn't happened so far. I am growing increasingly resentful that he can find time for rugby/football/wasting time on a million other things but can't find time to be romantic JUST ONCE. But! Am I being unreasonable and a princess? should I just cut my losses, go down to the registry office and get it over with? 

squeakytoy Tue 19-Mar-13 11:31:03

Propose to him then?

quoteunquote Tue 19-Mar-13 11:31:18

just get on with it, life is too short.

PurpleBlossom Tue 19-Mar-13 11:32:56

Problem is whatever he does now will be cringey and awkward. The moments past I think.

I think you need to decide what's more important, getting proposed to or getting married.

Normally I'd be on your side, how hard can it be for a guy to propose? But given how badly you reacted the first time, I kind of don't blame him.

mrsjay Tue 19-Mar-13 11:34:59

do the big romatic proposal to him then you are trying to set something up that just isnt in him to do and create that scenario , doesn't mean he doesn't love you just he may feel a bit of a prat getting down on one knee in a busy place with a ring,

You're being daft unless he doesn't pull his weight.

'Romance' is being a good lover/partner/ pulling your weight round the house/ working as a team/cherishing your family - not some idiotic 'down on one knee/dinner in Pizza Express' shenanigan.

So if he's crap in other ways bitch about that - is this 'proposal' really about something else?

Life is not a film......what is the point of a massive romantic gesture especially if he is forced into it. Unless it is spontaneously coming from him its just a total farce!!

DH and I had been engaged about 5 years, I went to the local chuch, booked the wedding, came back and told him the date we were getting married. I think if he had gone down on one knee and made a massive deal about it, I would have cringed with embarrasment.

mrsjay Tue 19-Mar-13 11:36:29

you dont need to go down the registry office in your jeans and get it over with you can have a romantic wedding you know

Whitewineformeplease Tue 19-Mar-13 11:36:36

It's not about a proposal though, is it, it sounds like it's more about you, with two small DC's, just wanting a bit of romance and spontaneity. Maybe talk to your DP about going away together, for a weekend or something, just the two of you.

Oopsiedaisie Tue 19-Mar-13 11:36:56

Squeakytoy - he always said he'd hate it if I proposed. Yep Purple I think you're prob right!

mrsjay Tue 19-Mar-13 11:38:24

TBF he has proposed he wants to marry you but it wasn't good enough for you IYSWIM

Pilfette Tue 19-Mar-13 11:38:34

It's a personal thing, isn't it?

I 'proposed' to DH after we'd been together for 6 weeks, and were about to go to Seville for a week. I was going to the loo after amour and as I walked out of the bedroom I said "you are going to marry me, aren't you?" then stood in the loo for 15 minutes banging my head off the wall in a 'WTAF did I just DO?' way. When I plucked up the courage to go back to bed, he was giggling and said "yes, of course, I was going to wait til we were somewhere lovely and romantic, but you've just taken all the pressure off!" and he didn't actually have a ring or anything

We got married a year and a week after we met and are blissfully happy.

What would you like him to do? Is it worth being a bit more direct about your expectations? Maybe he's floundering and worrying about what you want?

GooseyLoosey Tue 19-Mar-13 11:38:50

Why don't you go away for a weekend and plan the perfect romantic wedding together.

mrsjay Tue 19-Mar-13 11:39:40

aww Pilfette that is lovely smile

KC225 Tue 19-Mar-13 11:41:05

Agree with LaurieFairy - My husband proposed to me on a husky sleigh ride through snowy forest in Sweden, very romantic. Fast forward 8 years and two kids later, last birthday he bought me a cookery timer ..........

If you want a big showy proposal do it yourself

Pilfette Tue 19-Mar-13 11:42:14

mrsjay When people ask I rewrite history re-frame it as an example of female empowerment grin

milf90 Tue 19-Mar-13 11:42:26

I think that maybe all the romantic stuff isnt him and it would be awkward for him to propose that way because it doesn't come naturally to him?

My oh has just proposed and written down it might not seem the most romantic way, but it was very him and very us so for that reason it was special.

If you are going to keep bugging him about it you are goin to ruin it, as it is you just need to leave him to it

Maggie111 Tue 19-Mar-13 11:43:46

Yeah, my DH would not have proposed again if we had a big emotional conversation about how he did it wrong....

I would echo other suggestions saying you speak to him and say you want to plan a romantic getaway - but don't mention a proposal! Just plan it how you'd like (nice hotel, nice meal etc) but leave popping the question up to him and hope for the best.

quoteunquote Tue 19-Mar-13 11:44:27
Oopsiedaisie Tue 19-Mar-13 11:44:52

Wow never posted on here before and can't believe how quick people respond! Pilfette - I love your story! Yes I've been pretty specific about what I want but like people are saying its prob freaked him out/ taken all possibility of romance out of it. Goosey - that's a lovely idea. Will think about it. I don't think it is about an underlying problem (although of course more romance/time alone would be amazing). It's just that for me I've always dreamed of the proposal part never been bothered about the white dress etc..

mrsjay Tue 19-Mar-13 11:45:27

mrsjay When people ask I rewrite history re-frame it as an example of female empowerment

you did it for the sisterhood grin

ArcticRoll Tue 19-Mar-13 11:47:01


Peevish Tue 19-Mar-13 11:47:06

OP, you sound as if you have very specific expectations/requirements for a proposal! It would never occur to me for a single second that any proposing man (or woman), first or second time around, would get down on one knee anywhere, busy and public or not (wouldn't that make the average woman scream with derisive laughter?), and a meal afterwards wouldn't strike me as the obvious follow-up either!

Either way, I agree with others that not only has the moment passed, it has passed so far that it is pre-history - for heaven's sake, you have been engaged for two years, and have two children together! To want to be proposed to all over again makes no sense - it's like deciding you want to order your dinner again when you're in the middle of the main course! You are already thoroughly committed to one another, and it would be really weird for either of you to stage a second proposal as if the first hadn't happened. You've already agreed to marry - get on with it! Congratulations!

Bridgetbidet Tue 19-Mar-13 11:49:09

I have to say that what you view as the ideal proposal is an awful lot of peoples idea of the ultimate cheesy embarrassment. I thought that kind of thing went out with the ark. He may well hav just been thinking along those lines

Also I think you might have killed it for him. To be honest I think if you really were delighted about marrying him as a person you would have been happy however he had done it. The way you reacted would have put perfectly reasonable doubts in your mind about how you feel about him. e.g. you're not that bothered about marrying him, you're more bothered about grand gestures and a big day rather than the actual business of loving each other so much you want to get married.

I really can understand how from the blokes point of view this could be a deal breaker.

Pilfette Tue 19-Mar-13 11:49:12

quote I'd have died, I know it's lovely but I'd have been curled up in a corner somewhere thinking 'make it stop'. I'm a grouch, huh?

Oopsiedaisie Tue 19-Mar-13 11:49:28

Quote unquote - I've seen that before - hilarious! No I really wasn't asking for much just that he'd thought about it beforehand. Partly I had my hopes up as whenever he'd spoken about proposing he'd always said how it should be at the right moment etc. he'd kind of built it up in my already over-romanticized head.

WilsonFrickett Tue 19-Mar-13 11:50:41

Have you any idea how much guts it must take to ask someone to marry you? And then you pee'd on his parade because it 'wasn't romantic' enough?

Poor bloke. There's no way he'll put himself 'out there' again and I don't blame him tbh. If you want to get married, sit down and have a conversation about it and then get married. You're putting your life on hold for a perfect moment - that's just daft.

Toasttoppers Tue 19-Mar-13 11:53:29

Forget perfect moments, too much pressure on everyone.

louschmoo Tue 19-Mar-13 11:53:48

Problem is your 'dream proposal' is just that - your dream, not his. I kind of think that you have to be realistic about your expectations of these things. It's easier to plan a romantic wedding because the bride has lots of control. But the proposal is really about the asker and if he feels rejected already he may be feeling all 'sod it then'. Maybe you need to reassure him that no matter how he asks you in the future, you will say yes. And then stick to that promise even if it doesn't live up to your dream.

gilly86 Tue 19-Mar-13 11:55:34

My DH proposed to me on valentines day... At home in his boxers! I was in bed and he came in the room with a cup of tea, got down on one knee and proposed.

It was lovely but I think before it happened I probably expected more!

However.. I'd never ask him to do it again and would never go back in time and change it even if I could.

DH is romantic etc when he wants to be... He's booked lovely weekends away for us and holidays as a surprise... He buy me the odd bunch of flowers every now and then.. Takes me out for meals sometimes.. Comes home with a box of chocolates (probably when they are on special offer!)... I wouldn't change him and wouldn't change the proposal!

We got married 10 months later in the same church my siblings and my parents all got married in.. We had a wonderful reception with all of our family and friends. Couldn't have wished for more perfect day!

Personally I think you're putting pressure on your DP to do something he doesn't want to do. He's already proposed.. He's already shown he loves you and wants to marry you. What do you want another proposal for?! It's just awkward.. The moments passed!

If it was the other way around, how would you feel about him asking you to propose again but in a bigger and better way?!


You did not marry him because you did not like the way he proposed?

Well, no wonder if now does not want to be married to you when you clearly valued the idea of the proposal higher than married life together.

AllYoursBabooshka Tue 19-Mar-13 11:57:22

Maybe he is like me and can't act?

He know his completely organic proposal (which must have felt right) wasn't good enough and now has to construct some romantic fantasy of yours.

It wouldn't be real. I would hate that.

I do hope you both get a happy ending though, what ever happens. Just don't forget it's his moment too. smile

gilly86 Tue 19-Mar-13 11:57:34

In conclusion, YABU

Doyouthinktheysaurus Tue 19-Mar-13 11:58:09

Honestly, how your partner proposes is not what you will remember years down the line.

Marriage is about the partnership you create together, the commitment to stick together through good times and bad. That's what matters.

Dh and I had no big proposal, we talked about it and kind of made the decision together. That was many years ago! We've since had 2 children, I've had cancer and he's lost his mum and dad. We have supported each other through all of that and are still very much in love and a partnership.

Op in the kindest possible way, I want to say you have lost perspective a bit. Whatever your poor DH comes up with probably won't hit the mark anyway, it's gone on too long!

MortifiedAdams Tue 19-Mar-13 12:00:01

DH and I had been together eight years when he proposed - id thought he never would. I was stressed after a big day at work, had to clean the house as my parents were visiting and was frankly, an arse to him all evening. He still asked, and we ordered kebab afterwards grin

It was perfect because it was him asking me to be his wife. The details are frankly.irrelevant.

KC225 Tue 19-Mar-13 12:00:25

My friend's husband is really into fishing, he spelt out Marry Me in dead fish on the bank, stripped naked and covered his wedding tackle with one of the catch and his fishing mates took a photo of him pointing to the Marry Me dead fish then he text it to her ....... not the grand gesture she was expecting but it made her laugh and that photo became their wedding invitation

livinginwonderland Tue 19-Mar-13 12:00:30

yabu, you must have crushed him. poor guy.

seeker Tue 19-Mar-13 12:01:47

So he proposed and you criticised the way he did it and told him to do it again?

Unreasonable and a princess- yep.

Unless he's a git, in which case, lucky escape- and a chance to think again!

Fakebook Tue 19-Mar-13 12:02:37

He propose to you and you were disappointed? Then you had a long emotional discussion about it? confused.

YABU. And ungrateful. You also seem to be living in a dream bubble.

You have not answered what you want most: The marriage or the Proposal.

How about arranging an actor to play your boyfriends part, and stage it JUST the way you envisage it? You can ask all your friends to donate funds for this for your next birthday treat!


beginnings Tue 19-Mar-13 12:04:08

I am married to the most Unromantic man in the entire world. He proposed when slightly drunk, on a traffic island. I had to hand him a list of three jewellers the following day and say, "I'm not working to your timescales on a ring, one of these can sort you out". We went to the first one who answered the phone.

Still love him though. And intend growing old with him. Even though he drives me bananas.

I think the lovely weekend away is a gorgeous idea.

gilly86 Tue 19-Mar-13 12:06:29

The more I think about this, the more I feel sorry for your DP.

I would never even have dreamt of asking my DH to propose again... I find the whole concept HORRIBLE!

"Ok the answers yes but ask me again and do it better next time!"

Or else what!? You will change your mind?!

Why should he? You have said yes. So why does he need to ASK again!!?

My DH would've felt like shit if I had asked him to do it again but in a more impressive way. It's just rude. I can't get my head around this or WHY you feel this way.

mrsjay Tue 19-Mar-13 12:09:27

I feel sorry for him too

nope not good enough try again confused

AngryFeet Tue 19-Mar-13 12:11:22

Look it isn't a big deal. I know people who had the most amazing proposals and they are now divorced. DH and I just 'agreed' to get married one day in the car on the way home. We are one of the most happy and solid couples I know.

If you are happy together and want to spend your lives together then get married. I agree with the poster upthread who said life isn't a film. It is one moment in a hopefully long life together.

AngryFeet Tue 19-Mar-13 12:13:30

Jesus KC225! The grooms meat and two veg on the invite?! There's one wedding I wouldn't be attending ;)

WorraLiberty Tue 19-Mar-13 12:14:26

Am I being unreasonable and a princess?



flowery Tue 19-Mar-13 12:15:52

The moment has gone. He's already proposed. There is no longer a surprise element meaning any staged dramatic proposal event will be completely false and ridiculous.

Presumably you accepted his proposal even though you had an "emotional discussion" (argument?) about it not being romantic enough? Get on with planning the wedding of your dreams.

Thistledew Tue 19-Mar-13 12:36:02

YABU and somewhat controlling. If you want to celebrate or mark your engagement in a particular way, then you need to organise it yourself. I don't blame your DP for not asking you again- he asked you in a way that presumably felt real and genuine to him, and you rejected his efforts. You now want him to do it again in a way that would almost certainly feel artificial and awkward for him. He is probably worried about getting it wrong again and you saying no to him again.

What you are saying to him is that you will only marry him if he lives up to some dream vision that you have in your mind, but it is the man you are supposed to be marrying, you don't marry a proposal.

You need to let go of the vision that you had of how things would happen, and take stock of whether you do in fact want to be married to this man. Either he is good enough to be married to or he is not. You are making decisions about your future based on a fantasy that never came about.

Purple2012 Tue 19-Mar-13 12:38:01

My husbands proposal wasnt particularly romantic. I would have hated the down on one knee busy place thing. He proposed in a bar by the trevi fountain in Rome that we only went into as I was dying to go to the loo! He just held my hands told me he wanted to marry me and produced a ring he had picked himself. I don't think I even actually said the word yes straight away! I always knew we would get married so knew he would propose at some point.

Alibabaandthe40nappies Tue 19-Mar-13 12:41:32

You are being daft.

He proposed when the moment took him, what could be more romantic than that?

InkleWinkle Tue 19-Mar-13 12:44:21

I can see that if you're a romantic, even princessy, kind of person then you might have liked that kind of proposal.

But...I think you have probably ruined it now, even if he asked again it wouldn't be right because it wouldn't be the real one. And when people ask in the future and you tell them about the 2nd time you'll still have the 1st one in your head IYSWIM.

And...what if the next time doesn't meet your requirements either - will ou make him do it again??

EldritchCleavage Tue 19-Mar-13 12:47:00

It all seems a bit Hollywood romcom, really (not in a good way). He proposed, and you spoiled the moment in what sounds like rather an unkind and immature response (sorry, but it does).

Apologise to him, I think. Tell him you were wrong to ask him to propose again, you'll take him as he is. And see what happens.

maddening Tue 19-Mar-13 12:49:29

I proposed in a v romantic way (well I think it was romantic smile) - if it means a lot to you then do it yourself smile

maddening Tue 19-Mar-13 12:50:08

Eldritch - it reminds me of chandler and monica in friends smile

CAF275 Tue 19-Mar-13 12:50:44

YABU - and totally ridiculous. My DH proposed in the car park of a ruined castle on the way home from a weekend away. Nowt romantic about it but 15 years and 2 kids later does it really matter? Does it hell! Didn't even matter at the time. I'd rather have a spontaneous, heartfelt and genuine proposal any day than some cringe-worthy public declaration. I would have DIED of embarassment if he'd done anything remotely public! Give the poor man a break.

FFS I find things like this ridiculously shallow.

He loves you, wants to spend the rest of his life with you, asked you and you are worried about the details????

Quenelle Tue 19-Mar-13 12:55:04

The first proposal was romantic, in its spontaneity. He's probably too self-conscious to try it again.

I think it would be most romantic if you were to propose now, out of the blue, somewhere really unexpected - like a public place on a wet Wednesday in March...

You can still do the hearts and flowers bit afterwards to celebrate your engagement. The proposal itself is more romantic for not being too 'managed' IMO.

specialsubject Tue 19-Mar-13 12:55:34

I agree. You kicked him in the teeth last time, why should he try again?

yes, you are being a spoilt princess. Grow up. You are bloody lucky he is still with you - clearly he loves you very much.

My OH proposed to me by thrusting an envelope into my hands that contained an engagement card with a ring selotaped to the back. Ok so it wasn't quite what I'd envisaged but I didn't make him 'do it again properly this time' it's just not something you can re-do!

chubbychipmonk Tue 19-Mar-13 12:59:12

I understand your need & want for a big romantic gesture, especially when you hear about other people's proposals. My DH proposed on Xmas morning & I remember afterwards thinking, 'why did he not gave champagne chilling in fridge, or flowers or background music etc etc

However. . We planned a lovely wedding day & he pulled out loads of romantic gestures on the day, no longer give the proposals second chance.

Why just go to a registry office & 'get it over with' ? You can still have a lovely romantic wedding, honeymoon & happy ever after? Stop focusing on proposal & move your energy into wedding planning. . It's far more exciting!!

Absy Tue 19-Mar-13 12:59:56

YABU - on the one hand, I can see how you'd want romance, a fabulous story etc., but after 2 children and a couple of countries together, I would say you're quite devoted and there are other ways to be romantic/thoughtful.

and honestly, a fancy pants proposal means shag all. A friend planned a very romantic proposal: wonderful ring, hired a three piece orchestra to play in the background, surprised his fiancée in a romantic setting with a beautiful view and then ... 10 days before the wedding she freaked out and cancelled. She was saying yes to the idea of a big fancy wedding and a romantic proposal, but clearly hadn't thought that it would lead to a serious commitment.

sherbetpips Tue 19-Mar-13 13:00:50

If this is the man you want to marry then I would imagine there are many other things about him that you love and make you want to share your life with him. As many posters on here have said. How about you take some time to remind him of why you want so much to marry him, how lovely he makes your life, etc. then ask him. Its still a romantic proposal doesnt really matter who it came from x

MorrisZapp Tue 19-Mar-13 13:01:06

I find the whole concept of 'proposal' utterly daft and pointless. To have to do it twice due to romance failure on the first attempt is so far beyond daft and pointless it's frankly bizarre.

Get married, or don't get married. You're an adult. Do what you want.

wigglesrock Tue 19-Mar-13 13:07:03

Hmmm you're being a bit princessy tbh. He has proposed, just not in A romantic enough way. Surely the fact that he wanted to marry you is romantic enough. When my husband proposed he got down on one knee and remembering the mangy old carpets in our first house that was romantic enough grin Although I didn't realise what he was doing and I told him to stop dicking about and put the tv on blush In my defence I was very young.

HolidayArmadillo Tue 19-Mar-13 13:08:11

My DH proposed to me after I came home from the pub wearing his ratty old dressing gown. I'd gone out and had a few sherbets after spectacularly burning a tea of chicken kievs and chips and he said he was sat at home picking through the ruins of tea and he realised I wasn't safe to be left alone and he had to marry me grin. Once he had decided to do it he just had to ask as soon as he saw me even though in his head he had planned to do it while we were on holiday a couple of weeks later.

I wouldn't have dreamed of saying him getting done on one knee in our living room slightly exposing himself as is dressing gown fell open wasn't good enough. He would never have asked me again that's for sure.

bedmonster Tue 19-Mar-13 13:11:26

YABU and a fiancee-zilla.

EldritchCleavage Tue 19-Mar-13 13:14:10

maddening, I loathe Friends, so I wouldn't know!
Oh God, I'll probably be hounded off the forum for that confession!

EuroShaggleton Tue 19-Mar-13 13:17:54

I think you have been rather silly. The man you want to marry proposed to you and you turned him down!

My own proposal was somewhat underwhelming (I had a banging headache and we were about to go out to a nice restaurant to celebrate my birthday; he popped the question as I was halfway through doing my make up (one eye in) so I was all lopsided). We joke about it. I said yes because I wanted to marry him. And I'm very glad that I did. He's lovely. <soppy>

chocolatesolveseverything Tue 19-Mar-13 13:21:52

OP, if it's hugely important to you to have big romantic gestures in a relationship, you probably have the wrong man. But given that you've been this long together, and been through so many stresses and wonderful moments as a couple, maybe romance isn't quite as important to you as you think it is?

FWIW, I too spent years dreaming of the perfect proposal. But in the end me and DH got engaged by accident after some late-night coupley banter went in an unexpected direction. He was watching TV and I was checking my emails at the time!

And you know what - looking back I wouldn't change that moment for the world. It was us at our most relaxed, most authentic of moments. There was no romance or drama, just two people completely comfortable together and wanting to stay like that for the rest of our lives.

StuntGirl Tue 19-Mar-13 13:22:28

YABU. You were quite cruel to your partner the way you handled it, and its no wonder he's never done it again. He knows whatever he does won't live up to the fantasy in your head.

Propose to him, and tell him you love him to bits and you were daft for thinking the proposal meant more than the marriage, his was perfect the way it was, and give him a big kiss. If you're lucky he'll say yes.

DeepRedBetty Tue 19-Mar-13 13:22:28

Just because Darcy proposed to Elizabeth twice doesn't mean you should turn the first attempt down on principle grin.

2rebecca Tue 19-Mar-13 13:23:00

Agree with others that a proposal shouldn't be seen as an event in itself. It should be a discussion between 2 equal adults about whether or not they wish to get married. The wedding is the romantic event, not the proposal, although I think even weddings are just a hurdle to jump through to get the social, legal and financial advantage of being married.
The "being married" is the real thing at stake here. You're getting hung up on trivia.
My husband and I just discussed getting married, no fancy meal or romantic fuss just a discussion of the pros and cons and practicalities.
If you'll only marry him if he makes a fuss about proposing then you can't be that bothered. If he is the main wage earner he benefits from the current unmarried situation.
I'd have sorted out getting married quickly before having a child with a man once I knew I was pregnant if I intended to live with him for the foreseeable future.

Badvoc Tue 19-Mar-13 13:27:31


Badvoc Tue 19-Mar-13 13:28:50

Oh, and dh proposed to me by a lake.
Sounds great, right?
Except it was pissing it down, he had forgotten the ring, I was wearing a very nasty cagoule that made me look like nora batty and was being harassed by a swan!
Didn't matter one bit.

Flobbadobs Tue 19-Mar-13 13:39:20

Well I proposed to DH in a pub toilet on NYE while sat on the sink (loong story!)he accepted and told everyone we were getting married when we went back out! 13 years and 3 children later thats still pretty much as romantic as we get grin
YABU and very princessy, he probably has performance anxiety.

looplee Tue 19-Mar-13 13:41:36

I don't think you're being unreasonable. A proposal is the most romantic act between two people, whether you propose or he does, it's a commitment of love to each other. I know some of the mumitches on here will suggest having a child is the same, it isn't - that's a commitment & love to your child, to your family. Romance is not a glitzy ring, a fancy venue (or pulling your weight in the house!!!) but a thoughtful gesture however small or great. I'm sorry but I agree with you, it sounds like he has been utterly thoughtless, he knew marriage was important to you when expecting your first child and yet chose to be frivolous with your proposal. He has even recognized that it is important to you, promised to do it again and admitted to being too lazy to do it!!!! This is not you being unreasonable but him. Don't "cut your loses" yet - 'nearly three years ago' and you have moved countries twice and had two children in that time???!!!! You deserve this proposal!!!! And you deserve it the way you want and the way he knows you want it. You're obviously a committed loving family unit but this is about the both of you. Hold in there, I think he wants to do it and will. I'm glad someone else still believes in romance (and it's importance) too. xx

LandofTute Tue 19-Mar-13 13:43:52

I think asking someone to marry you is romantic however it is done. What is very unromantic is following up the proposal by bollocking him and telling him you expect him to do it again your way next time. That's controlling and treating him like a toddler rather than a future husband. I'm not surprised he is in no rush to repeat the experience. Your idea of a romantic proposal might be his idea of corny cheesiness. It is mine!

reallyyummymummy Tue 19-Mar-13 13:46:30

You are being U - deciding to get married is not romantic. Just because your DH can't be conventionally romantic does not mean that he is not romantic or that he does not love you. In fact, IME, it is the men that don't always make a song and dance that are the most reliable.

motherinferior Tue 19-Mar-13 13:46:42

My partner did the romantic proposal thing....

...and I went into shock, nearly passed out and said "you want me to do whaaatttt??" grin

I wear the very pretty ring he produced, but despite his grumblings I still haven't married him grin

ToomuchWaternotWine Tue 19-Mar-13 13:47:24

purple my DH also proposed by the Trevi fountain in Rome! And my favourite colour is purple .... <plays music from Tales,of the Unexpected>

It was a lovely thing to do (esp as he knew it was one of my favourite places in the world) but many years on, it really really doesn't mean much, just a nice story to occasionally mention when friends are reminiscing over a bottle of wine. That's all.

Give the guy a break.

givemeaclue Tue 19-Mar-13 13:48:01

Forget the proposal, just agree a date andffocus on the wedding

mysterynamechanger Tue 19-Mar-13 13:48:35

Oopsie I think YANBU for the way that you feel. I had similar high expectations of my ideal honeymoon. Rather than imagining my perfect wedding I would fantasise about where I would go on honeymoon and imagined some month long romantic break visiting all the countries I had ever wanted to visit.

Instead what I got was one night in a cheap hotel (that had a leakage in our room so we had to be moved) and then the rest of it was spent moving in to my new flat in a different city. My DH took 2 days off and was back at work less then a week after our wedding whilst I still had a few weeks off and spent most of my time off sitting at home watching tv as I didn't know anyone there (oh and crying about what a huge let down this marriage malarkey was).

Anyway I understand how disappointing it can be when you don't get the fantasy that you have spent a long time building up. However I think for your sanity and happiness you need to accept that your DH just doesn't think the proposal is as important an event as you do and that is just the way he is, not (like I agonised about) a reflection of his commitment and love for you. I spent too long getting over how rubbish my honeymoon was but once I did let it go I was able to appreciate all the lovely things my DH did for me before the wedding and since. And I am much happy for it.

gilly86 Tue 19-Mar-13 13:53:02

<rolls eyes at looplee> grin

The poor guy has proposed and she said yes! Why the bloody hell should he be told to do it again? It's done!

He's got years and years ahead of him to do romantic things but the PROPOSAL is DONE!

Doing it again will be soooo awkward and not genuine.

It's like when my DH got me a box of chocs on valentines day and I said "hmmph could've got me some flowers!"... Half joking/half meant it...

2 days later he came home with flowers..kinda nice but he only got them because of what I said... Made it all a bit naff and I wish I hadn't said anything really!

Lueji Tue 19-Mar-13 13:55:32

He has proposed, but it wasn't good enough?

I wouldn't repeat it.

You either accept it or not, FGS.

Just because Darcy proposed to Elizabeth twice doesn't mean you should turn the first attempt down on principle
And that was because he was a twat in his first proposal. Not because he was not sufficiently romantic!

comelywenchlywoo Tue 19-Mar-13 14:08:59

Sorry, but YABU, and were cruel to your DP. He probably has the stage-fright now rather than being lazy.

My DH, didn't really "propose" to me as such. At first I was embarrassed if someone asked me as I didn't have a story to tell. Now, 8 years later, I couldn't care less. Stop being a Princess and get married!

Lambzig Tue 19-Mar-13 14:09:52

My DH and I were in Bangkok planning to travel to the south for three weeks island lazing. DH had a big proposal planned and had hired a boat and chef to take us to an island for a private dinner a couple of weeks into our holiday. He ended up blurting out a proposal in a pub off the kao San road because it was ruining his holiday thinking about it all the time and he couldn't wait. I think that's much more romantic than what he had planned.

I think three years later the moment has passed for big romance from your partner. I can see why he hasn't done anything about it since then. You probably need to let it go.

TheOriginalSteamingNit Tue 19-Mar-13 14:16:29

Unreasonable and pretty pathetic, I'm afraid. Do you want to get married, or just be proposed to? If the former, get on and bloody do it, since you've both agreed to. If the latter, why would you even want it if the former is not the most important thing - unless you are a child or something.

mungotracy Tue 19-Mar-13 14:20:50

"Am I being unreasonable and a princess? "

yes, yove also undermined any chance of him doing it properly by making that about pressure...... if you are that bothered why don't YOU propose romantically?

quoteunquote Tue 19-Mar-13 14:25:39
Wishiwasanheiress Tue 19-Mar-13 14:32:59

Oh god, ur one of those aren't u? Marry anyone that takes them up the Eiffel Tower. Champagne in fancy restaurant, violinists serenading as u jump from the top of said tower (to be different) amid fireworks....

And then u return and bore the absolute socks off everyone who knows u.

Ur ideas seem very about faced. I recommend wedding classes first. This might not be such a good idea, kids or not...

catus Tue 19-Mar-13 14:43:37

Yabu. That poor guy !
Do you realise how nerve racking proposing can be ? I proposed to DH, and I was a mess. Give him a break, please.

montage Tue 19-Mar-13 15:02:07

Someone asked you to marry him because he loves you so much he wants to spend his life with you. That's why people propose.

Your reply to that was that you don't like the way he asked.

I think you missed the point.

DaemonPantalaemon Tue 19-Mar-13 15:12:57

Dearest Oopsiedaisie

Congratulations on your lovely kids, and on your man. He is your man, and you need to focus on that. The "romantic" proposal and all that is just fairytale wifflewaffle. He wants you, and he wants to be with you. He proposed, you said yes (I suppose), now get ahead with planning your wedding if you want one, and the rest of your life.

Life is never how you plan it to be, and the key is to find joy in what you have.

Good luck! And be happy!

Lueji Tue 19-Mar-13 15:17:02

Have you actually said yes?

I hope you have by now and are planning the wedding. smile

I can sympathise OP as DP is lazy and popped the question to me, minus a ring, while we were on a train in a 'So eh, should we get married then?' way.

I think that for him to put a bit of effort in just once shouldn't be too much!

That said, I wouldn't want anything in public with lots of people I don't know. Just something thoughtful.

Floggingmolly Tue 19-Mar-13 15:29:12

You've been very specific about what you want? hmm. A flaming bridezilla before you've even set the date...

Pandemoniaa Tue 19-Mar-13 15:36:37

"Am I being unreasonable and a princess? "

Well yes. I'm afraid you are. How many more times does the man have to propose until you decide it is entirely to your satisfaction? Only if I were your partner I'd have gone off the idea altogether by now.

He's asked you to marry him. For fuck's sake get on with it. Stop trying to turn back time.

TobyLerone Tue 19-Mar-13 15:39:18

Yabu and a brat.

DontmindifIdo Tue 19-Mar-13 15:45:27

how about you sit him down, say you think the moment for a big overblown romantic propsal is passed, so would he just like to ask you right now, you'll say yes and get on with wedding planning, spending the money he'd spend on the 'event' on having a perfect wedding or a rather lovely engagement ring instead?

romantic proposals are lovely, but they don't mean you will have a happier marriage - I believe Tony Blair proposed to Cherie while she was in the middle of cleaning the toilet, yet 4 DCs later, for all each of their various great faults, they still seem very happy together.

In fact, some of the most sucessful marriages I know didn't have romantic proposals, perhaps because the couple were focused on being married, not being engaged.

Serves you right OP

Karma bit you on your arse wink

Now go apologise and get married you numpty grin

Crinkle77 Tue 19-Mar-13 15:54:15

OP the whole point of a romantic proposal is that it is a surprise. I don't really understand why you want the grand gesture. Do you want this in public where others can see or would you just like him to present you with a nice ring in private or do you have ring yet?

pleasestoptalking Tue 19-Mar-13 16:31:16

My DH proposed to me in a B&B with the romantic words 'shall we do it then?'. I couldn't even see his face, it was very dark.

Lovely though. Romance doesn't have to be grand gestures and stereotypes.

BarredfromhavingStella Tue 19-Mar-13 16:59:43

Are you being a princess? Hell yes!!
Life isn't all hearts & flowers & romantic gestures, sounds like you're living in some dream world.
He proposed & you didn't like it, don't blame him for not trying again.

Sillyoldbagpus Tue 19-Mar-13 17:07:38

He asked you to marry you and spend the rest of his life with you. This IS romantic. Start planning a wedding.

zlist Tue 19-Mar-13 17:12:47

He asked you to marry him, because he wants to marry you - that was romantic.
Flowers, one knee, meal...sound more like a tick-list.
I'm not surprised he felt hurt. I think you owe him an apology - maybe you could organise a night, tell him how much you love him, apologise and ask him if he still wants to get married?

taketheribbon Tue 19-Mar-13 17:35:11

Yes, yabu. Accept that the window for romantic proposals has been and gone, and maybe you can make the first night of your honeymoon the best ever, or get him to carry you over the threshold with a rose clamped between his teeth or something instead? smile

pinkpaws Tue 19-Mar-13 18:35:02

Well i am going to stand up for you i know how you feel day to day life is full of things that are dull and routine but you what one special moment and that moment to be your Dp asking you to be his wife . However i wouldnt bring it up again it really has to come from him or it will mean even less than the first time.

countrykitten Tue 19-Mar-13 20:06:39

Get him to propose to you on the Jeremy Kyle show - you'll remember that for a while after....

You were really rude to him first time around. I wouldn't be asking again if I were him.

detoxlatte Tue 19-Mar-13 21:37:37

My DH proposed three - three! - times.

#1 I had booked a surprise 30th birthday for him, tellin him only that he needed to take two days off work and fun his passport. He's already bought a ring and packe it with his clothes. Weekend was great, and he ha such a good time he forgot to propose! I still count this as one though grin

#2 amazing weekend away, down on one knee, shaking like a leaf, grinning like a monkey.

#3 right after #2 cos I forgot to say yes grin

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