to be upset by DH's comment, or am I just being too sensitive?

(50 Posts)
ShannonNoah Mon 18-Mar-13 01:58:17

I have a older sister (there is only 18ish months between us) and we do look very alike.

Since about the age of 18 I have always been a size 12. Happy with that. My sister has probably been an 18/16 - she has lost a lot of weight by doing the Alternate Day Diet and is now probably a size 10/8.

Really happy for her because I know she wasn't happy before and she has so much more confidence and it's so lovely to see.

Anyway, we went out this evening - me, DH, my sister and a couple of other people.

The other people we were out with hadn't seen DS in a while so were giving her compliments and saying how lovely she looked etc. When my DH said "I know, looks like I married the wrong sister"

It just made me feel quite low ... and I don't see why he couldn't have just agreed with them and said yes she does look lovely.

Aibu and just generally being too sensitive?

Tolly81 Mon 18-Mar-13 02:21:52

YANBU, that comment is offensive, hurtful and twatish. You probably should have said looks like I married the wrong man too but I wouldn't wish you on my sister! I'm hoping he doesn't realise and didn't mean to be so rude and hurtful but if he often makes comments like this then he sounds like a dick. I would certainly explain to him that his comment is really hurtful and (in case he doesn't get it) ask how he'd feel if you said it about one of his friends who had lost weight/been going to the gym etc.

notimefors Mon 18-Mar-13 02:23:00

That is quite rude!

MidnightMasquerader Mon 18-Mar-13 02:28:14

I agree it's rude, but I'm sure it was only a cack-handed joke and he doesn't actually think that.

Well, I hope. What's his sense of humour normally like?

I'm sure that in the mind of your DH, he was only thinking about paying your sister a compliment and making her feel good about herself, without even thinking about your feelings!! It's the sort of thing my hubby does and never means to - I'd just pull hubby aside and say very forthrightly, look I know you didn't mean it but you really hurt my feelings with that comment earlier. Then he will (hopefully) apologise for being a bit of a twat and all will be well!!

Sorry he hurt your feelings though OP - men are such stupid creatures!!

MusicalEndorphins Mon 18-Mar-13 02:53:32

I also think your dh was just being complimentary to your sister. Giving her some attention to be a nice guy.
Do you think she is more attractive than you and it has made you sensitive? If she was still large would you feel the same way if he said the same thing?

ripsishere Mon 18-Mar-13 04:26:43

I think YAB a bit U. It's the sort of thing my DH would say. I wouldn't take offense at it.
Actually DH did say it at his brother's wedding. Stupid man.

KeatsiePie Mon 18-Mar-13 04:31:41

Wow, that is mean. Is it out of character for him to say something that makes it sound like he wishes he weren't stuck with you, in front of other people? YANBU. Honestly that would really, really hurt me.

MammaTJ Mon 18-Mar-13 05:35:17

I think he was just trying to be nice to your sister and ballsed it up.

YANBU but neither was he really, if you look at the intention rather than what he said.

Contradictionincarnate Mon 18-Mar-13 05:38:27

I think he was concentrating on complementing your sister ...I said the same thing to dh brother I wanted to boost his confidence and didn't mean it. ask him about it.

nosleeps Mon 18-Mar-13 06:12:22

Had he had a few drinks?
Very clumsy compliment, but probably not realised how it sounded.
Nonetheless, he needs to know how upset you are.

quoteunquote Mon 18-Mar-13 09:02:47

A tad oversensitive maybe, I wouldn't dwell on it,

he probable just felt secure enough in your relationship, to give such a compliment, pay yourself some credit, he is with you, for many reasons, enjoy it.

NeoMaxiZoomDweebie Mon 18-Mar-13 09:06:42

You're probably a bit jealous...naturally, you were always the slimmer sister and now she's stolen your crown. I wouldn't be bothered if my DH said that as I'd know he was just clumsily trying to pay my sister a compliment.

What is this Alternate Day diet??

ApocalypseThen Mon 18-Mar-13 09:06:47

He was probably only trying to be nice to your sister, but I don't think it's unreasonable for you to be hurt by the remark.

But I think you probably also know that it's not us you need to talk to here. I'd be telling my husband that I won't expect to hear remarks like that again.

too sensitive. sort of thing we always say here. no big deal. I don't know if there is any back story though.

Tortington Mon 18-Mar-13 09:12:53

i'd have kicked in him the cunt for that tbh.

bedmonster Mon 18-Mar-13 09:13:25

I think it sounds like he was paying your sister some attention to make her feel good. I wouldnt take it to heart, he was probably trying to be nice smile
Unless there's other issues...

mamapants Mon 18-Mar-13 09:15:54

I would also be a bit hurt but at the same time I would know I was being silly and that he didn't actually mean anything by it.
I would say something knowing that he would be mortified, shower me with compliments and I'd feel better.

GirlWiththeLionHeart Mon 18-Mar-13 09:29:33

Yanbu that was a cunty joke

pictish Mon 18-Mar-13 09:31:04

I doubt he intended it as a slur against you, but as a compliment for your sister OP.

Alibabaandthe40nappies Mon 18-Mar-13 09:31:12

YANBU - what a horrible thing to say!!

MunchkinsMumof2 Mon 18-Mar-13 09:33:48

I think that's a horrible thing to think let alone say! YANBU, I think you should tell him how hurt you feel hearing that.

Still18atheart Mon 18-Mar-13 09:35:34

I agree that you are right to feel hurt. However, I'm sure he didn't mean to offend you and he was just trying to pay your ds a compliment but it just came out wrong

LandofTute Mon 18-Mar-13 09:37:22

I think a lot depends on what he is usually like. If he is normally lovely to you then he may not have meant anything by it, but if he is generally not complimentary to you/puts you down then it is not nice. I'm thinking the second if you felt quite low after the comment. Is that right?

NuhichNuhaymuh Mon 18-Mar-13 09:38:10

If he doesn't normall make comments that put you down I don't think he meant it literally.

It sounds like the sort if stupid numbskulled compliments my Dhaka has been known to make.

Talk to him. Tell him it hurt you, and that its possible to compliment a person with out putting aother person down.

Fakebook Mon 18-Mar-13 09:42:37

It's an inappropriate joke. I'm surprised your dsis wasn't offended by that either.

I don't see how it's a compliment. Does he think being married to him is an amazing experience or something? hmm.

Willow36 Mon 18-Mar-13 09:43:47

Fucking hell, I'd be so upset. Poor you. I'm sure he didn't meant offend you but I'd feel really rubbish about him saying that. Big hugs.

hairtearing Mon 18-Mar-13 09:50:34

Oh that was a twattish thing to say, must have been embarrassing too I'm quite angry for you,

How did everyone react?

pictish Mon 18-Mar-13 09:51:51

As compliments go, it's a shite one. It's patronising and smug. Top be fair though, there's a clanger in all of us...we've all had loads of those I'll-get-me-coat moments.

It was an ill thought out compliment I think. It does mark him out as a bit of a tosser, but I don't think it was designed to wound the OP.

MansView Mon 18-Mar-13 15:48:35

yeah, tricky one imo...

he could have been a total nasty cunt in saying it knowing it would upset you, but then it could have been a bad attempt at a joke...

tho, I suspect he fancies your sister now - and wanted to make it known...shame nothing will happen tho...!

JamieandtheMagicTorch Mon 18-Mar-13 15:51:03

It was a clanger. I'd be OK with it, though, unless it was in the context of someone who is repeatedly insensitive

SashaSashays Mon 18-Mar-13 15:54:49

It was a bit of a crap thing to say but to sounds very minor and as if he was just trying to be nice. I wouldn't take it to heart.

It really grates on my sister that her DH described me as the funny one, about 15 years ago. Don't blow it out of proportion.

daddyorchipsdaddyorchips Mon 18-Mar-13 16:12:59

YANBU. Poor you. He'd have had a swift kick to the shin from me.

NeoMaxi- alternate day diet is where you fast day on day off. One day you have around 500 cals and the next you eat normally. Continually. An easier version is 5:2 where you fast (500 cals) for 2 days per week and eat normally the other 5.

LastInTheQueue Mon 18-Mar-13 16:16:48

It was a cack handed compliment, IMO.
Probably sounded good in his head.

Lottashakingoinon Mon 18-Mar-13 16:29:56

OP's DH ,ight have been a bit tactless and talking before engaging brain, or it might be the sign of a truly comfortable relationship (that misfired). Whatever, he has a long way to go before he comes up with anything remotely as half arsed as Mansview's last sentence.

Lottashakingoinon Mon 18-Mar-13 16:31:59

might have been a bit...

Pandemoniaa Mon 18-Mar-13 16:33:01

Is he noted for his lack of tact? I can understand you being hurt by his remarks but was it an unwisely chosen comment aimed at complimenting your sister rather than upsetting you?

I'm not trying to make excuses for him here but do you have any reason to think there's more to his remark than merely engaging his brain before opening his mouth?

weeblueberry Mon 18-Mar-13 17:01:41

I have to say I'd just assume he was joking tbh and had my DP done it I'd have just chuckled along with him and not been bothered. I'm actually surprised as many of you would find it offensive. I suppose it's just down to your relationship really and only you know if he was meaning it seriously or if it was an obvious joke. Did everyone laugh afterwards?

ShannonNoah Mon 18-Mar-13 17:10:24

See I just someone would play the jealousy card. Why?

Why would I be jealous because my sister has lost weight? She gave up and put back on half a stone, I was the one who got her back on course by giving her back her motivation, I also got her to come with me to spinning classes and would cut out articles I read about the 5:2 plan when she told me she was doing it.

She was so unhappy before and now she and I are both happy, both because she now has her confidence back.

If my DH had said "yes I agree, she looks fantastic" - it wouldn't have even registered.

It was the fact that I felt put down in the process.

LemonPeculiarJones Mon 18-Mar-13 17:13:53

Have you spoken to him about it?

I'd be very hurt and need to have words.

ShannonNoah Mon 18-Mar-13 17:14:42

But yes thank you for all the replies, it's obviously quite a split between the YABU's and YANBU's.

I should just say to him that whilst I think it's lovely he wants to compliment her, it did hurt my feelings by the way he decided to do it.

HipHopHooray Mon 18-Mar-13 17:16:03

It was a joke. And it was also a joke that you would only make if your wife is and always had been attractive. I've heard men say this about their wife's mother. I genuinely don't think they were trying to make their wife feel shit, they were complimenting their MIL assuming (possibly incorrectly?) that their wife was secure in the knowledge that they would only have eyes for her!

Darkesteyes Mon 18-Mar-13 17:18:04

Shannon some women will automatically assume you were jealous because in our society it is seen as "normal" to pit women against women. Demonstrated beautifully by goady articles in the daily mail etc.
"looks like i married the wrong sister" is not only hurtful to you It is hurtful to your sister too because it shows he thought less of her for being overweight.
Its a very mysogynistic comment and i would be steaming.

Darkesteyes Mon 18-Mar-13 17:19:04

And it also shows that he bases marriage on nothing but looks.

Flobbadobs Mon 18-Mar-13 17:28:11

it probably sounded good in his head
That.

It's exactly what DH would say and then he would give himself a hernia trying to talk himself out of the huge hole he had thrown himself into. And I would take great pleasure in helping him dig himself deeper.
If he does it again tell him he's a knob. A very small one...

Fluffy1234 Mon 18-Mar-13 17:35:20

I don't think being over sensitive but his 'joke' probably came out wrong. It would have pissed me of.

BalloonSlayer Mon 18-Mar-13 17:37:26

Fucking hell, it was a dreadful thing to say.

Not only does it insult you but it implies he had both of you competing for him and had the pick of the two of you. hmm Which is also quite insulting to your sister, y'know, the old "I could have had her if I'd wanted to" line.

Was it him that said you are "too sensitive" by any chance?

Darkesteyes Mon 18-Mar-13 17:38:59

Ballon Slayer that is an EXCELLENT point. You put it better than i did.

YippeeTeenager Mon 18-Mar-13 17:51:29

Unless he often puts you down in front of other people I'd cut him a bit of slack here. In the cold light of day it is an unkind thing to say and I perfectly understand why you are upset, but we all say things in the heat of a crowded conversation that aren't what we mean at all. It just sounds to me like he was trying to be funny and got it horribly wrong. I've done it myself often enough blush

Give him a chance to think about it from your viewpoint and apologise before the jackals on here tell you to leave the bastard! wink

MansView Tue 19-Mar-13 11:57:24

yes, sadly some/many men seem to seek joy in putting down their partners with comments like that...it's not my style at all...

but some women enjoy this kind if banter/teasing - but not when it crosses that line...

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