WIBU to ask him to stop being racist?

(42 Posts)
NishiNoUsagi Mon 18-Mar-13 00:16:58

Patience wearing thin.

DH not British, we met and married in his country, then decided (mutually) to come to the UK 2 years ago. His first time abroad, and he is not enjoying it. He has managed to find a great, well paid job, which he hates. But won't change it. He has made friends, goes out a couple of times a month, but says he hates the UK, the weather, his job, tv, society, British women are all fat and ugly (er, thanks "D"H!)

He came home today with another rant, the gist of which seemed to be "How dare a foreign customer talk down to him" I reminded him customers of his own nationality are also often rude to him, he said not as rude as foreigners. Sorry, it's hard to explain, but it was really "all foreigners are so rude/no manners/piss me off.." kind of vein.

I have listened sympathetically for months and months, I know how horrible it feels to be homesick, but I can't stand listening every day to how he thinks British people are fat/ugly/stupid etc. If I ask him not to be judgy, he says I complained all the time in his country. I did, but about the weather, cockroaches and fascist right wingers hurling abuse at me, never about peoples looks/character but he doesn't believe me hmm

We're not able to go back to his country yet but I'm so tempted to buy him a ticket as he seems so unhappy. I had to unfriend him on fb as every status was him moaning about how shit his life was (again, thanks "D"H!) or him and his friends making racist comments about British people/saying the UK was a shitehole.

I'm really torn between wanting to help him feel happier (and I come up with a lot of suggestions which he rejects outright) and wanting to throw things at his head when he starts the inevitable moaning/racist comments..

So I know I can't force him to love life here, although I wish I could make him happy, but AIBU to ask him to not insult/bitch complain everyday? Or is he BU to expect me to listen impartially? If I can also add, I was trying to talk to him about an ongoing pain/health problem that's been really bad the last week or so, and he was really disinterested in listening. Sigh.

SirBoobAlot Mon 18-Mar-13 00:19:32

He sounds like a total knob, especially with your last sentence. Buy him a one way plane ticket.

SomethingOnce Mon 18-Mar-13 00:24:26

There are many 'races' in Britain - is he really being racist or just a rude misery guts?

Either way, I'm sorry you're lumbered with it.

WestieMamma Mon 18-Mar-13 00:27:54

It's not racist to think Britain is a shithole. Lots of Brits think it is too.

He sounds like a prize. I'd probably get him to take a leave of absence and send him back to his country to decide what he wants to do, be with you and live in UK or not.

GetOrf Mon 18-Mar-13 00:42:16

He sounds like a glum bastard at best, frankly. And the fact that he was disinterested in listening to you is pretty telling really.

NishiNoUsagi Mon 18-Mar-13 00:49:55

SirBoob yep, i was pretty unimpressed with that too!

Something Good point. I'm not sure, "All British women are fat/ugly" etc is just quite hurtful. Racist? Definitely not nice, either way! He works with people from lots of different countries and seems to have plenty of rants about their attitude/behaviour at work. But his country is perfect, people are perfect etc etc until I subtly puke into a houseplant..

WestieMamma That is so very true grin I have a good moan myself occasionally, but having to listen to it every day , I could just cry.

Squinkies much more of this and I'll raffle him off! I have offered, he had time off work and I offered to buy/help with a (return) ticket home and he made some excuses as to why he couldn't go, even though I think it would have been really good for him. He neither wants to piss nor remove arse from pot.

GetOrf to be fair to him, he's normally quite good at listening. As long as he's not stressed. <enormous sigh> Worryingly he was also quite a glum bastard when we lived in his country so the UK is not even 100% to blame. God, I just want someone to have fun with, laugh with, not be subjected to vaguely racist rants by.. sad

Is there a kind way to get him to nicely stfu? I tried quite gently this morning to say that I could really understand his frustration, but there's no need to make the fat/ugly/stupid comments, it's quite fucking irritating to listen to hurtful, and while I know he's homesick and how horrible that feels, it's makes me feel like he resents me. He's been in a snot with me since this morning for saying that (he shouted at me for giving him a fork to eat his dinner with confused was I supposed to give him a pencil?? a sock??)

SomethingOnce Mon 18-Mar-13 00:52:42

AIBU to be curious what paradise he hails from?

LayMizzRarb Mon 18-Mar-13 00:57:06

If living here makes him so miserable, and he thinks it is a shithole, then what is keeping him from leaving? If you find out what anchors him here, then maybe build upon that? You must talk to him, things need to change if he is so very unhappy living here. Which country did he come from?

NishiNoUsagi Mon 18-Mar-13 01:05:08

He's from Japan, i lived there for years and it's nice but not that fantastic. There are cockroaches, summers too hot, winters too cold as no central heating, v low salary for hours worked, worrying attitude towards prostitution etc but also lovely people, nice food, good beaches, karaoke..

LayMizz he says me and the kids..

SomethingOnce Mon 18-Mar-13 01:12:13

I was going to ask if you have DC.

So you're British and DC are therefore half British? How charming of their DF to diss half their identity.

Mimishimi Mon 18-Mar-13 01:25:43

I thought he must be Aussie when you mentioned the cockroaches grin. Do you think you could take extended holidays in his home country. Luckily my DH comes from a country that he thinks is a 'shitehole' and he's lucky to live here in Australia. I don't agree entirely with that attitude but I can see why with some aspects. Does your DH work in a role where he does have to see a lot of fat English people everyday?

TanteRose Mon 18-Mar-13 01:35:13

of course YANBU - he may be "homesick" but he is being awful to take it out on you

i bet he calls everyone "gaijin" even though HE is the foreigner, right? hmm

I'm in Japan, and of course, I complain every now and again but there is no point going on and on, because I made the decision to make my life here.

having said that, my DH (Japanese) is not particular keen on the UK - he never comes with us when I take the DCs over for visits. (he runs his own business, so that is his excuse...)

But he respects that it is my country, and makes great fish and chips!

are you a member of MIJ (the Yahoo support group for women married to Japanese men?). There are several members who have moved back to their home countries, maybe they will have better advice. Will PM you with the address if you want smile

BadLad Mon 18-Mar-13 02:06:56

He hates:

the weather

No official rainy season, no tsunamis, very few typhoons, houses that can cope with the extreme cold.

his job

No hours on end pf unpaid overtime, workers too terrified to leave before the boss leaves, pressure not to take your own holiday, compulsory drinks parties every week

tv

British dramas are sold oll over the world. Can he really miss the inane squawking of infantile tarento?

society

In some ways. It's safer in Japan, at least in terms of being murdered by a stranger. On the other hand, you don't need women-only carriages on the tube because the men have such a problem for molesting women.

British women are all fat and ugly (er, thanks "D"H!)

Is he looking to sleep around? Why does the attractiveness of other women matter?

He sounds like the worst type of tosspot you get in this country, who have it drummed into them by racist teachers at school that everything Japanese is better than its overseas equivalent.

How is his English, by the way?

complexnumber Mon 18-Mar-13 02:58:37

I think it is very common for people to react like this when moving from one culture to another, and I don't think 2 years is necessarily long enough to get over it.

If you have never known what it is like to make this move, I'm not sure you can comment fairly on the way he is reacting to his position.

BadLad Mon 18-Mar-13 03:03:35

The OP says she lived in Japan for a few years, so one can assume she does have some experience of culture shock.

Suffering from culture shock is common and understandable, but slagging off every aspect of a country to someone from that country is just plain social ineptitude, rudeness and bad form.

complexnumber Mon 18-Mar-13 03:24:14

By her own admission she slagged Japan off a fair bit to her DH.

BadLad Mon 18-Mar-13 03:47:32

She sounds as if she has a much more balanced view of Japan than he has of the UK.

For example, it doesn't sound as if she said she hated Japan.

DolomitesDonkey Mon 18-Mar-13 05:30:34

Stop looking for stupid middle- class labels to appropriate to your husband's behaviour and instead invest the time on working on your marriage.

NishiNoUsagi Mon 18-Mar-13 09:49:27

TanteRose Yes to the "gaijin" comment! grin
That support group sounds great, could you pm me the address? Would be good to hear from other people in the same position, it would be good to know how other Japanese people in the UK cope and make life a bit more enjoyable for him. And I hope you're having a lovely time in Japan! I miss the nikujaga, the umeshu, the karaoke <sob>

BadLad smile Absoultely! Love that list! He can see some negative points about life there, and he does like the work/life balance here much more, so that's a positive. He's not very confident with his English, which is not helping. I keep trying to encourage him to study but he seems to have a block there, can't seem to get started. Maybe he's worried he won't improve/too much pressure?

Complexnumber I lived over there for 10 years, found my own job, got married there, had a baby there.. think i can safely say I've experienced quite a lot of what it's like to make that move! And I really enjoyed it there. As for "slagging off" Japan a fair bit, well, there's a difference between complaining that a cockroach has just walked over your dinner to making repeated personal insults to a whole nationality.. grin

DolomitesDonkey What the.. grin Are you ok? Did you read the op? I support my husband a lot .. I listen to his problems, suggest ways to make him feel happier, cook his favourite food when he's homesick, offer to buy him a ticket home for a long holiday on his own.. It's just tiring to, despite that, listen to such negativity all the time. Don't know how I can really work on his attitude.. but thanks for the lovely comment. Try a nice sit down and a biscuit ?

TanteRose Mon 18-Mar-13 12:06:27

have PM'd you, Nishi smile

BadLad Mon 18-Mar-13 12:12:22

Nobody is ever going to be happy with everything to do with the country they live in, even if it is their own country.

Sometimes this country really pisses me off. Like the OP, I have been yelled out by the cowardly right wingers in their black vans. When something like that happens, DW doesn't mind my complaining about it.

There are other things which are more a matter of opinion. DW and I will never agree about the whaling industry - she thinks they are really doing scientific research, whereas I think they're a pack of liars. If the issue comes up, for example when something about Sea Shepherd comes up on the news, then we do debate the matter (albeit getting nowhere).

But there are plenty of things to like about being here. The festivals is a good example - thousands of people standing around in crowded conditions, drinking beer, and NONE of them fighting. Wouldn't happen in England. DW knows there are lots of things I do enjoy about the country, so for the most part I hope I don't come across as just mouthing off about it for no reason. If I do it with anyone else at all, I try hard to do it with tact and relevance.

I don't think many people are going to like foreigners endlessly moaning about their country. Although I whinge about the UK incessantly, I can get defensive if a foreigner does it pointlessly and unconstructively, particularly if they have got their facts wrong.

AnyFucker Mon 18-Mar-13 12:14:21

I think your sexist twat of a husband should fuck off back to Japan if he hates it here this much, tbh

SomethingOnce Mon 18-Mar-13 12:17:06

BadLad, you're going to the wrong festivals.

itshothere Mon 18-Mar-13 12:43:53

Have to agree with AnyFucker. If the women are so stunning so diverse in the looks department why did he choose you? I personally don't have any Japanese acquaintances but grandad (RIP) always said they are a cold cruel race. You've Been more than patient with him, why continue living in misery?

TanteRose Mon 18-Mar-13 12:52:30

"they are a cold cruel race" hmm

erm, no they are people like everyone else...and some of them can be wonderful and kind and lovely, and others can be wankers

no one particular "race" is anything IMO

I am pretty sure generalisations like that are what are called "racist"

itshothere Mon 18-Mar-13 12:55:20

Generalizing like all British women are fat and ugly etc? Anyway, moving on....

TanteRose Mon 18-Mar-13 12:57:26

two wrongs don't make a right smile

NishiNoUsagi Mon 18-Mar-13 13:48:28

TanteRose Thanks so much for the pm smile Have replied!

BadLad Oooh those right wing vans angry They chased my down the road once when I was riding my bike home from work, yelling racist slurs/anti foreigner rants etc. I think they assumed I wouldn't be able to understand.. That time, I stopped my bike and gave them a sweary mouthful about what big men they were to be shouting racist abuse at a woman on her own, did they want to get out of the van and talk sensibly? They drove off very quietly. As you say, cowards!! grin Oh and the charming friend-of-a-friend who sat next to me, asked my my opinion on "the war" and accused me personally of killing his grandfather. Fun! By comparison, the only racial abuse my husband has been faced with is a teenage boy saying "Ch*nk?" (sorry, hate that word sad ) as he walked past. And yy - every time Sea Shepherd comes up I just back out of the room nodding and smiling, we've been into it and just accepted we have different views and it's such an ingrained cultural thing for both of us that it's safest just avoided.. Also completely agree with you on the lovely things there, there's a great atmosphere when you're out drinking, interesting culture, really lovely people, beautiful language and much more.

AF I regularly offer him the cheap, one way option of the ArseBoot Express.. smile

itshothere Well, I'm Japanese sized, but that doesn't stop me thinking what he says is completely out of order. Couldn't agree with you less about the cold cruel comment though, 95% of the people I met were warm, friendly, caring, weirdly obsessed with the tinyness of my head about 5% were weird racists but that's true for every country in the world I think smile (Although i do totally understand that your grandad would have (I'm assuming) met/experienced them under very different circumstances so can understand why he felt that.

Thanks for all the replies, it has been lovely to rant! DH has got a couple of days off work now so hopefully he'll calm down a bit. He apologised today for ranting so much, and is going to work on being less negative etc etc - lets see how it goes!

NishiNoUsagi Mon 18-Mar-13 13:51:09

Oh and TanteRose & BadLad you're probably the only posters on here that would understand why he was so angry I gave him a fork to eat his curry. In my defence it wasn't a Japanese style soupy curry, it was quite dry! grin Bad wife.

BadLad Mon 18-Mar-13 14:06:39

You mean it was a real curry, not a stew that was slightly spicier than other stews?

I really missed Indian curry until I finally found a place in Tokyo that does Vindaloos. They still aren't as spicy as the ones in the UK, but they are pretty good.

I saw my Mother-in-Law approaching the scrambled egg (still in the pan) yesterday, with sugar, about to sprinkle it over the top. Fortunately, I was able to get to it in time and stop her - people added their own sugar once it was served up, to my absolute disgust. I think if I hadn't stopped her I might have had a rant to put your husband's to shame, but apparently sweetened scrambled egg is not uncommon.

Jinsei Mon 18-Mar-13 14:12:27

I personally don't have any Japanese acquaintances but grandad (RIP) always said they are a cold cruel race

If you don't have any Japanese acquaintances, perhaps it would be best not to pass on the ignorant and inaccurate assumptions of another generation in a different era. hmm

OP, I can empathise! My DH is not Japanese but from a third country. We met and married in Japan and moved back to the UK after 8 years together there. Funnily enough, it was his idea to come back, but he absolutely hates it here. sad In the beginning, I thought he would adapt, but we've been back for nearly ten years now and I don't think he is ever going to like it. He constantly makes comparisons with Kapan and with his own country, and it can be hard to deal with the negativity at times. I know he can't really help not liking it, but I find myself resenting it regardless, and worse still, I find myself feeling responsible for everything that he dislikes in the UK. We have thought about moving back to Japan (he has permanent residence there) but I'm unwilling to move dd away from family & friends etc. Also don't want to leave my parents now they're getting older! It's very difficult to know what to do....

lljkk Mon 18-Mar-13 14:14:32

There's a cultural thing going on, isn't there? Racism is openly tolerated in Japan (I mean actual racism, not just picking on culture or national identity).

He sounds very selfish, OP.

Hate to say it, but Japan is well known for misogyny, too, I suspect that he thinks OP is just supposed to put up with his bad attitude, that's her place in life.

Not saying all Japanese men are shits, but some may be archetypal.

Jinsei Mon 18-Mar-13 14:17:47

I personally don't have any Japanese acquaintances but grandad (RIP) always said they are a cold cruel race

If you don't have any Japanese acquaintances, perhaps it would be best not to pass on the ignorant and inaccurate assumptions of another generation in a different era. hmm

OP, I can empathise! My DH is not Japanese but from a third country. We met and married in Japan and moved back to the UK after 8 years together there. Funnily enough, it was his idea to come back, but he absolutely hates it here. sad In the beginning, I thought he would adapt, but we've been back for nearly ten years now and I don't think he is ever going to like it. He constantly makes comparisons with Kapan and with his own country, and it can be hard to deal with the negativity at times. I know he can't really help not liking it, but I find myself resenting it regardless, and worse still, I find myself feeling responsible for everything that he dislikes in the UK. We have thought about moving back to Japan (he has permanent residence there) but I'm unwilling to move dd away from family & friends etc. Also don't want to leave my parents now they're getting older! It's very difficult to know what to do....

BadLad Mon 18-Mar-13 14:24:30

There is a very low level of concern about racism here, unless it discrimination against Japanese people.

It doesn't very often get violent, but bars sometimes refuse non-Japanese customers, or customers who don't look Japanese, and landlords sometimes refuse to rent to foreigners. I can understand it if it is a non-Japanese speaking foreigner, as that creates more hassle for the landlord if there are problems. Sometimes there is a list on the property advert in the estate agent of nationalities who need not apply.

NishiNoUsagi Mon 18-Mar-13 14:51:46

BadLad Yep it was a real one! smile As for the scrambled egg and sugar shock No words!! Glad you could leap in and salvage it. I will keep a close eye on DH next time he makes scrambled eggs - he always does something to them that makes them taste like a wet horse, that might well be it! (In his defence, everything else he cooks is very yummy, he's a better cook than me!) Agree re the "racism", I was lucky enough to be able to rent a flat but needed FIL to cosign, and I think being married to a Japanese national helped. If I was single? I don't think they would have been so helpful. I also think being a woman makes a difference re bars/nightclubs..

Jinsei I think we are living very similar lives sad Absolutely yy to this - "I find myself feeling responsible for everything that he dislikes in the UK" It is a horrible feeling isn't it. Or that he resents me, or is comparing his life negatively with friends in Japan (he doesn't do that but I worry he might). I'm completely the same as your last couple of sentences too.. sad How can we keep everyone happy? It is really tough.. can i ask is your DH from a close (in distance and attitude) country to Japan? You don't have to answer, just wondered if it might explain the similar attitude as i can think of one country nearby that's possibly even stricter.. An unmumsnetty hug of solidarity to you!!

lljkk Yes, very misogynistic there (in my opinion) However, DH was raised very well, by a very strong, independent mum. He doesn't seem to have any misogynistic views - he's very anti soaplands/prostitution/hostess bars, and he doesn't try to suppress me in our marriage (no chance of me being a surrendered wife!) He helps out with a lot of housework, childcare, cooking, doesn't try to control finances, listens to my opinion on everything etc. He knows there is no way I would just "put up" with his attitude grin So I think I struck lucky. Hopefully the misogynistic thing will fade as the younger generations grow up.

badinage Tue 19-Mar-13 00:29:33

British women are all fat and ugly

He doesn't seem to have any misogynistic views

Really?

NishiNoUsagi Tue 19-Mar-13 13:25:19

Oh god Badinage thanks for pointing out I'm not only living with a misogynist, I'm also deluded sad Not good, is it!

When I challenged him on saying this, and pointed out what a horrible thing it was to say, he says it's because he's not very tall, so he feels intimidated by all these "bigger" (taller and wider) people around him so he gets defensive hmm How does that make it ok?? Don't even know how to reply to that.

Interestingly, just yesterday as he was complaining that people look at him funny/judge him (inside their heads, not to his face) for being Asian, therefore "lesser". I think this is a huge assumption for him to make, where we live is quite mixed, I'm sure nobody really notices him that much let alone judges him. He was saying how unfair it is to have to live here and be judged/looked at, so I asked him how he thought I coped as a woman, getting stared at, getting comments, heckled, when I was in Japan having men make comments about my body because they thought I couldn't understand them, getting groped on a train (again in Japan) etc, doesn't mean there's anything wrong with me, means there's something wrong with the people doing it, you just have to ignore, ignore, ignore (or shout for the police, in the groping case). He was genuinely shocked that all that happens to me on a regular basis.

I know it's hard for him coming from a mono-cultural place, to feel like he stands out must be quite hard to deal with but assuming people are thinking the worst about him is only going to make him feel worse. I've told him to ignore them, or imagine that if they're looking, they're looking because he's unbearably handsome but reading all this back sounds like he has a bit of a complex. Can I even help him with that?

Thanks for letting me ramble on about this, I am trying to see the best in him and do understand how tough it must be living here. But also want to protect myself from maybe starting to resent him for all the complaining.

bangwhizz Tue 19-Mar-13 13:30:11

How dare he call British people 'foreigners' in their own country.I hope you point out that he is teh foreigner?

badinage Tue 19-Mar-13 14:03:40

The thing is that while as a couple you've been able to share this experience of living in a foreign country, the cultures in both countries are entirely different and what your husband will never be able to truly empathise with is how life is for a woman in a misogynistic culture, whether in Britain or Japan. If he was shocked by what you said, it just shows he's been more affected by that culture than he (or you) thought and his comments about British women expose that even more. We are all the product of our cultures, to greater or lesser degrees, however much we might cognitively reject the messages we've received.

That said, the character trait of being a drain who sucks the joy out of everyday life transcends sex, culture and nationality. Just don't lose sight of that while making allowances for the other stuff.

AnyFucker Tue 19-Mar-13 17:42:55

ah, so he is suffering from a severe case of "small man syndrome" ?

how pathetic

no matter what culture and background you come from

like I said upthread, he is a sexist twat

JamieandtheMagicTorch Tue 19-Mar-13 19:22:18

Nishi

Where do you live?

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