He dated other women in the first 6 months :( Is he a bastard or was he just making up his mind?(72 Posts)
Hi everyone. So I am in a happy relationship, well fairly happy, I feel very in love and I feel he loves me, things are moving along nicely and we are considering moving in together. We have been together 1.5 years and we met on internet dating. However I have always had a bit of a suspicion that my boyfriend was seeing other women early on in our relationship, I checked his facebook last summer and saw messages which suggested that was the case. I confronted him and he said they were old exes, and friends of his ex and he hadnt been cheating on me. He apologised for flirting and deleted the person in particular he had been flirting with.
Just today I was on his laptop and thought I'd have a nose at his photos. I was surpised to see photos of lots of women from the internet, and internet conversations that he had photographed, arranging to meet up for drinks. When I looked at the dates I saw they were within the first 6 months of our relationship. I confronted him about this and he said that he hadnt felt sure of our relationship until we went on holiday together (at about 6 months in) and that he had been on some dates but not slept with any women. I feel very hurt because I was faithful to him after about a month of meeting him, I did go on a few dates after meeting him but was very honest to him about this. I feel he has lied to me when I confronted him first about this (he says he didnt tell me because "thats not what you tell people you go out with"). I understand that we werent in love at that time, we hadnt met each others families, but I still feel hurt and like he was disrespectful to me. He says that he hasnt seen any other women since that first holiday when he realised that he loved me and I do believe him. Am I a fool or is this normal male behaviour?
If it makes any difference, I am 29, had recently come out of a 6 year relationship when I first met him, he is 40 and had been single-ish for a few years (ie a couple of 6-1yr relationships but probably seeing loads of people at the same time). I was probably a bit naive of the real world, particularly the internet dating world
He lied to you.
He sounds like a player.
He's an arse.
This might seem a bit ridiculous but to me the sticking point would be at what point you first had sex. If it were the case that you slept together at say 3 months and then he dated someone else at 4 months - yes, that would be a problem to me. If you hadn't slept together - less of an issue/probably a non-issue if you're otherwise happy.
But - no one just thinks they'll have a nose at someone's photos. Not really. You don't trust him - is that you or him?
You've checked his facebook... You just thought you'd have a nose at his photos... You don't trust him, do you? And with good reason too.
You don't trust him so I would say you are wasting your time!
This is not normal male behaviour - this is called being unfaithful. LTB. Sorry.
Believe it or not some men respect women they are dating in the first 6 months and don't go having it away with other women behind their backs. I wouldn't trust him.
We slept together after a few weeks. Yes I looked because I had a niggling feeling. I felt he had lied to me about not dating other people after we met (it was indicated in the conversations that I had seen he had had on facebook), and it turns out that I was right.
He seems to think it was fine, he didnt think the relationship was that serious then but once he realised it was he stopped. It is a problem, but I love him and I trust him now. But I still feel betrayed
Get rid, what an ass hole. It's only normal behavior for players.
He's a liar.
Now you know you can't trust him.
Why wasn't he just honest that your relationship wasn't exclusive?
Because it suited him for you to think and act like it was.
Not normal. Well, normal for an unfaithful twat I suppose.
How serious was the relationship in those first few months? Did you havd a conversation about being exclusive, or did you just assume?
You were faithful to him after about a month - did you tell him that?
It sounds like the problem might not be about faithfulness, but lack of communication and making assumptions - but I could be wrong.
It isn't the fact that he did it, but that he was not honest with you about it which is a red flag for me. I would get rid now before you get in any further.
He says to me that I had decided that the relationship was going to be serious a long time before he did, and that it takes him time to get to know and be sure about someone. It was not that serious, we saw each other once or twice a week. In my head it was quite serious, I asked him if we were boyfriend and girlfriend and he had said yes that was how he saw me, fairly early on (maybe after 6 weeks?). I can see that I was naive and assumed he would be faithful to me even though I hardly knew him. I had just come out of a long serious relationship and wanted the same immediately but with someone else (with the problems of the last relationship fixed!). I had felt I made more of the effort back in those days and was maybe a bit intense (buying him a xmas present, he didnt get me one, etc). I put him as in a relationship on facebook, and yet he was still dating other women up to 2 months after this!!
He says I was naive to the real world. All his friends have played around in the first few months of their current girlfriends. Im just suprised that it was for 6 months that he did this
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Girlfriend-boyfriend suggests monogomy to me. Sorry, I think he was deliberately keeping the truth from you then, and he is trying to invalidate your feelings about it now.
Not normal to carry on dating for 6 months, and not ok to lie about it either. How can you trust him again?
Did you agree your relationship was mutually exclusive?
Using your own posts you were also dating other men for a month after meeting him and you were sleeping with him after a few weeks. I detect a cross over there of you sleeping with your partner and seeing other men.
I think if it were a couple of weeks then that would be acceptable to me, to some extent. With internet dating I do think that there is more sussing out required as you don't have the usual validation that you get with other ways of meeting eg. A work colleague, mutual friends etc.. 6 months no way. If you thought it was a proper relationship then he basically cheated on you for 6 months.
So he could not even remain exclusive for the time it took to be sure you were 'the one'?
It would strike me that he was keeping his options open too I'm afraid.
If he seriously thinks this is the correct/right way to behave then he wouldn't be my choice of life long partner. Regardless of what is the modern norm or what his friends do.
Tell him to take a hike, am sure you deserve someone who can remain faithful whilst finding out what you both feel for each other.
"He says to me that I had decided that the relationship was going to be serious a long time before he did"
Right. But he was happy to deceive you about his feelings so you'd sleep with him.
He is not a nice man. He lies to get what he wants.
He had the opportunity to come clean last summer and he didn't, he only told you the 'truth' after you found more evidence. And I have an inkling he has only told you the level of 'truth' he can get away with. There is probably more, he sounds like the type. You don't trust him, you are right not to trust him, there isn't really any future here if you have an ounce of self-respect is there? I'm sorry.
You are young, you can do better, and time is on your side.
I've had friends that have dated concurrently and consecutively and all sorts of combinations. The difference is that they were all up front about it, and their partners made a choice.
He was dishonest. That would bother me.
But the real questions are what is your relationship like now, do you want to stay in it and will you trust him in the future? And only you have the answers.
If you were happy with this,you wouldn't be asking our opinion.
It's as simple as that.
"I love him and I trust him now."
No, you really DON'T trust him, or you wouldn't have gone looking. It would just not have occurred to you. And you have reason not to trust him; he lied to you, and when he had an opportunity to make a clean breast of it, he stuck to his lies. That would be a real sticking point for me, because I would always have in the back of my mind, "what have I not found out about yet?".
Yeah....I'd end it. It sounds like you both have different ideas of what a relationship is. That, and the whole honesty issue.
End it before you're splitting the rent.
It sounds to me like you have been desperate to force a commitment from him from the beginning, and he got to a point where he said to himself, oh well, she'll do - she's so into me I might as well stick with her. So naturally you have remained needy and suspicious, because the balance of power in this relationship has always been with him. It's not terribly healthy and it's not really going to work out, long term.
Run!! Run as fast as you can.
Have you ever read the book, hes just not that into you? Basically it says about this that at the time you were planning a future together he was planning who else to sleep with!
It's fairly typical for this type of person to turn it all around on you and make it you who doesn't understand the 'real world' or you who doesn't understand how men 'really are' etc etc.
No, you do understand, that's why it's not sitting well with you. You didn't feel right and you checked up on him (not going to argue the point of whether or not that's a good idea) because you don't feel right about him. It's not how you should feel about a person you care about.
Normal protocol says you can't assume exclusivity until you've agreed it out loud, or made some big commitment like living together. But he lied (and is probably still lying about not having had sex with anyone else) and that's the deal-breaker.
Next time, ask for exclusivity when you expect it
Dating several people at the same time is not in itself a problem.
Not being honest is a problem.
I think that as a rule of thumb, you can't assume that someone's only seeing you unless that's what you've both agreed.
But he's lied to you. That's wrong. He should have just been open and honest about it.
How can you trust someone who's proven themselves a liar? (I've wrestled with this myself)
I don't mean to seem harsh but how do you know it was only the first six months? That's what you've discovered at this point.
He lied when he was doing it (otherwise you would have known you weren't exclusive. He would have been saying 'I'm off out with Suzie tonight' etc ). Then he lied when you asked him about it.
Then when you confronted him, he has said it's your fault for being 'young' and not knowing the ways of the world.
Please leave. It won't get better. He has already lied and cheated, and if you stay then you're signalling that behaviour is ok to you (and it obviously isn't or you wouldn't be posting on here).
Hmm it's really rare I am the voice of dissent especially in a LTB thread but you say you are happy and in love so some thoughts that might throw a different perspective...
Do you really trust him now if you're snooping? If this really was only at the start and he knows you are insecure maybe he thought it best to gloss over this (dodgy man logic) to save your feelings. Not right but not a sackable offence.
Also if I put myself in his shoes, 40 and been single for a while, likes girl but good bit younger and just out serious long term relationship - I'd be careful about diving in too. I've done Internet dating in the past and did have several conversations going on at once too, if they all were nice I think I would probably have met them all to be sure too.
If you went on holiday so soon and survived and he now wants to move in together maybe this should all be water under the bridge by now? OTOH he could just be an arse as PP have said, I think this is one for RL friends who'd have a better gut feel for the fella.
Wow that turned out long - meh LTB
He's clearly justified it to himself, but the fact that he lied (even by omission) means that he knew you wouldn't have gone along with the relationship being 'open' at that point. Even if he doesn't see that as cheating in a physical relationship sense he has cheated you emotionally and morally.
It's completely your call on whether or not you can get past this or not, but for me (basing it on my current relationship only - I can see how in past ones I would have been straight out the door) I would have to see an achknowledgment of in hindsight it was very wrong and a very sincere apology plus actions to back it up. But that's only because I have as much faith in my partner as I can that I can trust him.
Any attempts at justifying, brushing it over or turning back on me would indicate a side I really didn't know and wouldn't like = relationship over.
He doesn't see you as an equal or he wouldn't be patronising you with 'you don't understand the ways of the world' and all that bollocks. You didn't understand his ways because he LIED to you - the rest of the world agrees with you and he knows that or he wouldn't have felt the need to lie.
He's a wanker. Get rid!
Where I used to live in the US it is considered very bad form to be sleeping with someone while you are still dating other people.
As my Irish friend, who thought he was a kid in a candy store, found out to his cost.
He was sleeping with you, he knew you were serious about him.
A decent guy who wasn't sure yet would not have allowed you to believe you were in a serious relationship so he could have sex with you.
He used you for sex.
But he thinks that's OK because he eventually decided you could be his girlfriend.
Are you OK with that?
I don't think it's that big a deal tbh, and I'm amazed that people are telling you to destroy a happy loving relationship because of a minor miscommunication.
Just because you assumed that your relationship had moved up a level and he wasn't there yet, doesn't mean he did anything wrong. If you hadn't had the conversation about being an actual couple, and about being exclusive, then it's not really fair to say that he should have stopped dating because of your perception and the fact that you chose to make your relationship public in Facebook.
If he's faithful now, and you have a happy and honest relationship now, I can't see any sense in ending things for next to no reason.
She can't know whether he's faithful now.
But she does know he lies to her.
Agree with AThingInYourLife unfortunately... I say unfortunately because you've now got a year's worth of romance under your belt with this guy op so I'm not sure it will be that easy to LTB if things are going well. BUT you need to discuss this properly with him, does he know how hurt you are? Has he apologised?? Sometimes a person can justify something to themself and not consider the consequences.
Unless he had made it clear that he wanted an open relationship where you could both date other people until you were sure you were serious then he's completely out of order.
It seems rather sad to be dating other people when you're starting off on a new relationship. Aren't you supposed to be head over heels and all over each other at that stage? I do think there is a difference between starting a new relationship and casual dating though, so perhaps it wasn't clear for the first few months what was going on. Seems rather a stretch though. Don't most couples discuss these things, even when they've just started dating? I always did.
He lied. Also, he had been single for "a few years" at 40 and had never been married... The men I know who have reached that age without ever having settled down, are usually single for a reason.
As someone who is in mid-40s myself, the only 40 something men I know who are single, are that way because either they are not relationship material, or they've only just some out of a relationship.
I'm going to go against the consensus here and say that unless you had both decided it was a formal 'relationship', then I think it's not unreasonable to be dating a few people and keeping options open - particularly in the context of internet dating. I agreed to meet someone else that I had been chatting to online after a couple of dates with my now-husband (met on same site). Then decided I preferred by husband, and told the other guy I didn't want to meet again.
If he only met them for drinks, I don't think that's being unfaithful. He should have told you though, especially as you told him about your other dates.
But they had decided that it was a relationship.. calling each other girlfriend/boyfriend intimates exclusivity I would say, especially if you're seeing each other a couple of times a week and booking holidays together. It's different if it's early days (ie first three months or so) and you haven't labelled yourselves.
I wouldn't be at all happy with this but it depends if you can trust him NOW and can forget this.
Don't listen to the patronising "you're naive to the real world" though, because that's not generally how people behave in that sort of situation.
If he had been honest about dating other women-which is normal in USA before committing to a 'steady'- fair enough. But he wasn't honest. Keeping options open is fine, but not to be upfront is not. If it was really OK and he felt he was doing nothing wrong, why not say so?
Time to get out of this relationship before you get in deeper.
Shall claim 10 points for first person to shout 'needy'.
Imo if he was seeing other women when you'd been together 6 weeks, HWNBU. Up to 6 months, HWBU.
Oh someone already has! Must read entire thread properly.
Still feel he was unreasonable.
Ok so I have had the heart to heart with him. He was very sad and worried because he thought I was going to finish things. He said he had been on a few dates where nothing had happened, just drinks. He admitted to a date where the girl had stayed over the night because she was "drunk and missed the last train home", again he said nothing happened. I had got an inkling of this in August last year when I read his messages but when I had previously confronted him he said that that had happened a year before we got together. I had more evidence when I saw photos of the girl on his computer which were taken 4 months after we got together. He said a friend had said he should meet this girl for drinks and had been going on about it and he decided to, he said the girl was crazy and got really drunk and he took her home because he felt sorry for her. He didnt tell me because he thought I would assume the worst and end it. He said that the dates that he went on made him realise that I was the person he wanted to be with.
I believe him that he didnt sleep with the girl because the message on facebook from his friend was telling him that she had heard his date had "crashed and burned" because he didnt offer to pay for dinner and because he had assumed she would stay the night. I was scared that he had wanted her to stay over because he had wanted to sleep with her and the girl had not been interested in him. I probably wont ever know the truth about that. He seems adamant that that was not the case. He was shaking and nearly crying
Im worried now that I wont be able to trust him again because I had confronted him about this before, after we had been together nearly a year, and he had lied then. Im worried that he will think it is fine to see people behind my back the next time he is not sure about me, and fine to lie to me about it. He wants to go house viewing this weekend. Im scared that if I say Im not ready for it there will be no going back, I do love him but my perception of him has been shattered a bit. I'm worried that he found it so easy to lie to me and will lie to me in the future. I dont really know if I should or how to punish him for being dishonest or if I should walk away temporarily or completely because if I dont he will think its fine to behave like that, and also because I couldnt settle down with someone I dont trust . Sorry for long post
God he is such a liar.
The whole "nearly crying" thing is contemptible.
And totally par for the course for dishonest cheats.
He totally intended to shag that girl he took home when she was drunk BTW.
Personally I wouldn't be happy with that explanation.. if you're worried about a drunk girl you get them a taxi home or go in a taxi with them and drop them home.. ie, you get rid. You don't take them back to yours, especially if you think they're crazy.. and ESPECIALLY if you have a girlfriend.
But as you say, it's the lies that would stick in the craw the most. Only you can know if you can trust him and get over this. Maybe postponing the house viewing isn't such a bad idea, if only temporarily.
"Im worried now that I wont be able to trust him again because I had confronted him about this before, after we had been together nearly a year, and he had lied then."
Sorry, but I really think he cannot be trusted. He lies well, and he lies without compunction. He will lie to you again, as and when it suits him to do so.
"He wants to go house viewing this weekend. Im scared that if I say Im not ready for it there will be no going back"
I think that househunting now would be a big mistake. It smacks to me of trying to back you into a corner, get you into a position that it would be harder to change. Right now, you could choose to back off a little, take a break etc, see if he can change (although I don't think he can - he's lived this way too long IMO). But once you're living together the upheaval of splitting would be enormous and there would be no possibility of temporary cooling etc. Maybe it would be best to just tread water for a bit - not jump into living together, not get out of the water completely. Just take your time and let all this sink in for a bit, sit back a little and see what your situation actually is. That way you can make your decisions without any other pressures on you (neither the pressure of moving in with someone you don't trust right now, nor the pressure of missing him and feeling that means you must have made a mistake).
"I dont really know if I should or how to punish him for being dishonest or if I should walk away temporarily or completely because if I dont he will think its fine to behave like that, and also because I couldnt settle down with someone I dont trust ."
Whatever you decide to do, it should not be about punishing him but about protecting you. Your happiness, your wellbeing, your future. TBH, I think the fact that this relationship started shortly after the end of your previous 6-year relationship is significant. Sorry, but you may have been on the rebound, and for him to have reached 40 without any major relationships pings my radar a bit.
You haven't moved in together, you haven't invested too much time in the relationship, move on while you can.
I dont think its ok,he sounds like a bit of a nob and you sound like you dont trust him.ltb.
He's a lying shit and deep down you know it, don't you? Get out now. You deserve better.
OP only read the first thread, but......
I met DH on an online dating site. From the time we agreed to meet up, I 'froze' other potential dates. I waited to see what would happen with this one before seeing other people.
To me, this is basic honesty. If you like someone well enough to consider being in a LTR with them, then you like them well enough to lay off sex with OW for a few weeks whilst you decide for sure.
I realise others will feel differently but it sounds as though you look at things the same way, so, regardless of whether it is cheating/ he lied/ whatever - fundamentally you have different values and that will never work.
You are young. Don't wait till you are 35, desperate to have DC, feel that this man is your only chance, and realise he is cheating on you. Get out, I think.
I agree with what revolting peasant says, you are young and should get out now. You say you love him, but without trust that isn't enough imho.
OP really, I am normally not one to say LTB, but trust me, stuff looks different this side of 30.
If you want DC then you have a limited window and building up a relationship to the point where DC are feasible takes time. If you 'invest' time in him and then can't trust him/ he's cheating/ whatever in 3-4 years, you will be in a situation the clock is ticking for you to find another relationship.
DH always says how when we were finding each other online, there were loads of women around 34/5/6 desperately looking for a LTR before their fertility ran out
It's your decision in the end, but based on what you have said here, I would cut my losses and look for someone else. I'm sorry.
idontunderstandmen he may not be a bastard but I think the behaviour you've described indicates he is dishonest and manulative. These are troublesome traits in a DP and he won't change for the better.
Is he generally honest? Or do you find he tells fibs/ makes excuses to other people about things?
If you were my little sister i think I'd be happier if you were not with this man.
Leave him, he's a player and he'll always do this to you and you will never trust him again. He sounds EXACTLY like an ex of mine, in fact I wouldn't be surprised if it were him, surname doesn't start with J does it?
Its going to come down to how you feel about him. But I would say this, if he is 40 or so and has never had a fully committed long term relationship beyond these 12 month things, then that's simply the way he is. He could move in with you but the tempo is set in him, that's what he does. Personally that wouldn't be good enough for me and I think as you've expressed unease - its probably not good enough for you, either.
Ha no his surname doesnt begin with J!! LOL
Well I have told him I need some time to think about things. I have cancelled the house viewings today and drinks with his work friends last night. Perhaps he can have a chance to reflect on what he's done wrong.
I do miss him terribly and want to just quickly forgive him and forget this. He has told me he was a crap boyfriend for 6 months but then a great boyfriend for a year, which is fairly true. He has had a 7 year relationship but it was very casual (they only saw each other 1-2 times a week), and she broke his heart, so perhaps some of this is to do with him protecting himself at the beginning of the relationship and then lying to cover it up.
I want to hope that he wont lie to me anymore over important things. I think we need this break for him to consider and realise what he did. I am hopeful he could change...but I dont know. He has lied to me previously on a few things (like his age, which he neglected to be truthful about at the start and then didnt tell me for a year...I thought he was 8 years older not 11, not that it makes a massive difference but still annoying). I guess I have to give him a chance, and I certainly wont be moving in right now
"He has had a 7 year relationship but it was very casual (they only saw each other 1-2 times a week), and she broke his heart, so perhaps some of this is to do with him protecting himself at the beginning of the relationship and then lying to cover it up."
Is that what he said?
<feels even more cynical about this person>
OP, without realising it, you've been involved with a twat. You do realise it now, so end it and find someone nice.
It's as simple as that. You can't trust him.
YANBU. Some people do multi-date for the first few months nowadays, especially when there's big gaps between meet ups-however this should be agreed and understood, not done slyly and underhand. He should have been upfront and honest so that you a) knew and b) could decided if you wanted to do the same.
The fact that he lied to you about seeing other people says it all-he wasn't that invested or interested- he was behaving like a player and being dishonest.
He may be in love with you now but how long before he decides that there's something else 'you don't need to know'. Something that suits him to lie about?
Wait, he lied about his age as well?!
OP, I know this is painful, but please get out. This is not a good situation.
There are honest, decent chaps out there. Find one!
He tells an awful lot of lies.
We don't know him OP but just going by what you tell us he doesn't sound like a very open, honest person. Cancelling drinks and house viewings this weekend is a good start but imo if you are hoping this is enough to make him 'reflect' and regret what he's done, I wouldn't hold my breath. Frankly I'd be weighing up my future with him very carefully.
I have not been in your position so difficult to understand or put myself in your position. A very close friend met her now fiancée on an Internet dating site. He too had never been in a long term relationship until meeting her (she is now 35 and is 42). They have been together 3 years with an 8 month split. Reason for their split was because he was flirting with other women on line and generally still behaving like a single guy even though they were in a relationship. From what she says, he was vey immature when it came to relationships because he had never had a serious relationship prior to her. His longest relationship was 8 months. He was a bachelor. However when they split he says he realised what he lost and made a decision that he loved her and worked hard to win her back. From what i see and what she says since they got back together he has been completely different and they are now engaged due to marry in December. From what she say Internet dating and stating a relationship via an Internet site isn't always based on the same rules. She did a lot of internet dating. But I don't know because I have never been in that situation.
I can understand your anger and issue with trust but maybe he is telling the truth and the first 6 months were simply dates to him and maybe he didn't start viewing your relationship as serious till your holiday. People are different.
Its clear you have never trusted him because this is the second time you checked up on him. Were you really looking at his pictures (you could have done this via your account) or were you looking to see if you could catch him out?
One thing is always true. If there is no trust in a relationship then it's unlikely that relationship will stand the test of time. Either one partner ends it due to trust issues or the other partner ends it because they are constantly under scrutiny due to tust issues. Not saying what he did was right but the question is; do you want to be in a relationship with him? If you do then you may need to trust what he says, bury the first 6 months and move on. If not, then end it now. Why would you want to be in a untrusting relationship?
Hmmm so it was ok for you to do it for a month but because he did it for 6 months its not ok? I think both if you are abit odd. Maybe you should of had the chat about being together properly and not dating others?
Oh and he lied about us age? For a year? What else has he lied about???
I do believe people who want to make changes in their own lives, can do it. But I am less convinced those of us expecting changes will see them. sorry not to be more positive.
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