To post on here instead of punching a wall.

(40 Posts)
peppapigmustdie Sun 17-Mar-13 21:16:40

Ex has not paid anything towards DD1 for 7 years after he became self employed. The CSA have tried but always return a nil payment due.
He sees her 3 times a year to fit in with his work and that is non negotiable ( on his part not mine)
DD is 13 and has been having a terrible time at school with bullying including cyber. I have been in constant touch with the school and pastoral care team.Three weeks ago she admitted to self h&arming and we hav been to the GP and are waitng for a referral to CAHMS?
She wants to move next term will be Yr9 to a School 20 miles away. TH council do provide transport at a cost of £25 a week or public transport involving two buses would be £18 a week.
I explained that much as I would love to move her, we already live on a very tight budget ( I work full time) and moving to the town of the new school would mean my job was no longer vialble.
So she asked her Dad for help, opened up about everything and his answer was " Tell your Mother that if she wants money to think of a better excuse!"
She now wants nothing to do with him and I am one glass of wine away from ringing him or his wife to ask how they would feel if in ten years time their Daughter needed something.
Sorry far too long just needed to have a huge vent.

peppapigmustdie Sun 17-Mar-13 21:18:20

Apologies for spelling errors, typing in a fury.

WorraLiberty Sun 17-Mar-13 21:21:52

What an utter bastard! shock angry

I think the only 'silver lining' here is that he's at least been honest from the start (and a wanker obviously) but it would be much worse if he'd agreed to help out and then didn't. That would put you in a worse position because your DD would already have moved schools.

I'm sure you know you can't rely on this twat so it's best to stop trying to.

Is there no other way of pulling your belt in and raising the money? sad

Hassled Sun 17-Mar-13 21:25:39

Fucking hell. Your poor DD, and poor you left picking up the pieces. What an absolute wanker.

Are there any other closer schools? Or does she need that geographic distance?

Hassled Sun 17-Mar-13 21:28:13

Actually - rather than calling, can you send the wife (not him) copies of all the documentation you have? Reports, the actual cyber-bullying (if you have screenshots)? With a letter asking her how she'd feel if it were her DD? You don't have anything to lose - I'd just bloody do it.

peppapigmustdie Sun 17-Mar-13 21:29:14

We are living on the absolute minimum as it is. I could maybe pull in another £20 a month but that is it. Have started to look into an ironing service but as I don't drive and most clients want it delivered have not got too far. I am working full time and also have to cleaning jobs. I re use all left overs in soups/ stews and we hardly have the heating on. I work in a minimum wage job and thank God get Tax Credits. Am looking at moving to a two bed with the new bedroom tax.

IneedAsockamnesty Sun 17-Mar-13 21:29:18

What a oxygen theif.

IneedAsockamnesty Sun 17-Mar-13 21:29:32

Him not you

peppapigmustdie Sun 17-Mar-13 21:29:47

* two cleaning jobs

Ullena Sun 17-Mar-13 21:32:39

Could you get a lodger?

peppapigmustdie Sun 17-Mar-13 21:32:46

HASSLED we have screen shots calling her an ugly cunt and telling her to kill herself. Their DD is not even two yet so she may find it hard to understand but if she is happy with someone who doesn't pay for their child would it make a difference?

peppapigmustdie Sun 17-Mar-13 21:35:11

Ullena in Social housing thankfully after a very long wait but not past the magic two year slot where you can let out a room. My Mum is thinking about selling up and moving into our box room and I would share with dd2.

Ullena Sun 17-Mar-13 21:38:44

Or especially given the bullying, would she qualify for a free bus pass? I used to have one to get to and from school, and I think I travelled roughly that distance. Was about twenty years ago now though.

Ullena Sun 17-Mar-13 21:41:07

Ah, what size is the boxroom? As apparently it must be 70 square feet or more to count as an extra room with regards to the bedroom tax.

But, if your mum moved in, could she help out with the travel costs perhaps?

peppapigmustdie Sun 17-Mar-13 21:42:01

The Schools are in different Counties so the bus pass is not possible but I have a very close friend who is a councillor so will ask him if there are any special circumstances that would qualify for a cross county pass, Thanks.

peppapigmustdie Sun 17-Mar-13 21:44:19

That is why Mum wants to move in, fewer fuel bills and less council tax. My Mum worked 3 jobs to afford her own very small house and I don't see why she should sell it to fund an arsehole. She will if needed though.

sleeton Sun 17-Mar-13 21:47:26

peppapigmustdie, I am so sorry to hear about your DD1. It can be so hard for young people to cope.
I can't make any practical suggestions to get her father to step up to the mark, he sounds a seriously nasty article, but I do have another idea that was used by someone in my family.
Is it okay to PM you? (If I can work out 'how' to PM ... I'm new here, and still finding my way about).

yaimee Sun 17-Mar-13 21:51:13

Completely agree that you have nothing to lose now so ring/email, send them what evidence you have.
What an utter cunt.
Remember you catch more flies with honey than vinegar though, so try again to approach him reasonably first, if not I'd go in all guns blazing and start ringing his family etc
I know that sounds unhinged but there's no way he should be getting away with almost actively showing sustain for your dd who is having a hard enough time as it is.

peppapigmustdie Sun 17-Mar-13 21:51:44

Of course sleeton

peppapigmustdie Sun 17-Mar-13 21:54:09

yaimee he doesn't speak to any of his family because they have told him in no uncertain terms that him not paying for dd whilst living the life he does
is disgusting.

LadyMaryQuiteContrary Sun 17-Mar-13 21:58:12

My ex is like this. Ds is disabled and needs orthotic boots. I asked his father (who hasn't paid maintenance for months and now owes us 2K) to help him and he hasn't bothered to reply. Get onto the council and see if there's more that they can do. If not, try a charity, anything! Bus tickets can be cheaper if bought in bulk, although unhelpful as you need the cash upfront. sad

Parents like him should be publicly flogged IMO, there's no excuse for making a child suffer. It's neglect.

LadyMaryQuiteContrary Sun 17-Mar-13 21:59:15

Don't bother with his family, they will back him up (even if he is clearly a tosser) sad

peppapigmustdie Sun 17-Mar-13 22:03:55

Lady his family is brilliant and they are my next port of call. I have no idea how he came from such a decent and loving family and still turned out to be such an arse.

Seabright Sun 17-Mar-13 22:08:25

If his family are onside, maybe you, your mum and two family members from his side could each contribute one week per month of bus fares?

Not fair, of course, that he doesn't pay, but i'm just trying to think of ideas that might work.

LadyMaryQuiteContrary Sun 17-Mar-13 22:10:25

I thought that. I got every excuse possible. I wasn't grateful for his maintenance, he was under the threat of redundancy (for 4 years), the exchange rate problem, I didn't send him enough pictures, he didn't speak or email ds for 6 months because ds corrected his father's grammar. confused I approached his father's sister who was always reasonable (no joy), then his wife and begged (pointless), then his mother who wouldn't confirm where he lived so I couldn't start court proceedings (thank god for google). In the mean time he's been happy for ds to suffer whilst I run myself into the ground to make ends meet. I also have MS and am off work sick (no surprise there). You need to sort this out yourself and see anything you can get off him as a bonus. sad

MidniteScribbler Sun 17-Mar-13 22:11:52

What a waste of oxygen.

Could you daughter pick up some work herself to help fund the move to another school? Babysitting a few times per month, or doing some ironing. Do they still have paper routes in the UK? Kids here can make pretty good pocket money by bundling the free local paper and advertising materials and dropping it in letterboxes.

Good luck.

thebody Sun 17-Mar-13 22:13:26

He's beyond the parent pale.

Hugs to your dd, have you involved the police as telling someone to kill themselves is a serious offence.

You sound lovely.

peppapigmustdie Sun 17-Mar-13 22:14:18

They would Seabright and I think this is how we will have to deal with it but none of us are well off and it will mean sacrifices on all fronts. His family have other Grandchildren too, who need help. Not help as such but a little etra here or there which if given to my dd would not be available eg trips, scouts uniform etc ..

peppapigmustdie Sun 17-Mar-13 22:20:01

thebody the police have been told but as it was al on something called where you can be anon it makes it difficult.... not impossible you notice!
I am just so cross with myself for not only letting my precious baby get hurt so badly but having her with such a fucking arsehole bastard cuntface. Sorry I needed that .

joanofarchitrave Sun 17-Mar-13 22:22:35

Wonder how he is living with himself, really.

Sounds like his family are your best bet. Good luck.

WorraLiberty Sun 17-Mar-13 22:25:47

Given what you've said, I really would ask the family for help if they're reliable.

Your ex is not reliable and I'd worry more about him actually agreeing to this and then leaving you up shit creek, once your DD has moved schools.

peppapigmustdie Sun 17-Mar-13 22:31:32

I am going to ask his Mum and Dad tomorrow,it will be by phone sadly. They live 4 hours away. I know they will say yes and this thread was only meant for me to scream into the ether. He is an arse and always will be but by his family helping dd his nephews will have to miss out on other things. It is not right.

Cherriesarelovely Sun 17-Mar-13 23:06:49

Just wanted to add my support Peppa. Before I was on MN I naively thought that, because of the CSA people couldn't get away with not paying manitenance. Obviously that is not the disgusting. How can his current partner stand by and watch him do this? It beggars belief! I really hope your Dd gets the help she needs and that her move goes smoothly. My lovely young cousin was horribly bullied and a move changed things completely for her.
I think I still would send that letter to his wife. Just to shame him/her.

peppapigmustdie Sun 24-Mar-13 01:06:53

the ex in laws came through! She will start after Easter at the new School.
fingers crossed this is the start of a better time for her.

SamuelWestsMistress Sun 24-Mar-13 08:08:42

What a horrible pathetic excuse for a human. I can't bring myself to say "man" because a real man wouldn't treat his own daughter like that!

roadkillbunny Sun 24-Mar-13 08:39:56

I am so glad to read that Peppa, I know that it will involve sacrifice for the ex pil to do this but clearly they can see that this isn't you asking for help with funding a club or sport but rather something that has the possibility of not only turning your dd's life around but also saving it. They can clearly see this, take their help in the spirit that it was given and put all your focus in making your dd's new start work and continue to support her through the self harm. Best of luck.

MoaneyMcmoanmoan Sun 24-Mar-13 09:21:31

I am so glad your DD is able to move schools.
Sadly my daughter was also cyber and verbally bullied. We moved schools and it has worked wonderfully. She now has a great group of friends and I pray the same for your daughter.

As for your ex? He will get hit by the karma bus. There are no words to describe his hideous behaviour.

So thankful your inlaws are going to help out.

I really hope the school is a wonderful new start for your DD.

MatureUniStudent Sun 24-Mar-13 10:42:33

Is there any hardship funding you can access in the new school? My DC get 10% of clothing and a grant to buy books, pens etc. Also will you qualify for free school meals from the council?

And I am so relieved to hear she will move schools. I had a self harmer and moving schools was the Best thing.

blackeyedsusan Sun 24-Mar-13 10:47:53

and is dd old enough now to make her own decisions about contact.

gymmummy64 Sun 24-Mar-13 11:24:41

DD is legally old enough to make her own contact decisions at 14 I believe. Does she want to continue contact with her father?

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