I want one more baby, DH doesn't, AIBU to be furious?

(99 Posts)
YouBastard Sun 17-Mar-13 16:38:59

I wouldn't leave him over it, but bloody hell, how unfair. Why does he get the final say? AIBU to be very pissed off?

rhondajean Sun 17-Mar-13 16:40:18

No, but, conversely, why should you get the final say?

MrsHiddleston Sun 17-Mar-13 16:40:37

Would you feel the same if it was the other way around?

TondelayoSchwarzkopf Sun 17-Mar-13 16:41:08

YABU to be 'furious' - YANBU to be sad.
Nobody gets the 'final say' - it's a joint decision.

piprabbit Sun 17-Mar-13 16:41:32

I don't want another baby, DW does, AIBU to be furious?
It's so hard - but you do need to talk about this together (maybe over quite a long period of time) until you can find a way of making your peace with your joint decision as a couple.

happyhorse Sun 17-Mar-13 16:42:35

Why should he have to have another child just because you want one? YABU.

CloudsAndTrees Sun 17-Mar-13 16:43:45

Why would you be furious?

Of course the parent that doesn't want the child gets the final say. Otherwise you have an unwanted child being born, whose feelings are more important than yours.

dadofnone Sun 17-Mar-13 16:45:30

Did you not have 'the talk' before you settled down together and discuss how many kids you both wanted and you expectations and values to make sure you were compatible over the long term?

HildaOgden Sun 17-Mar-13 16:45:42

He doesn't get the final say.You could,of course,have a baby on your own (through IVF) or with another man.He is not stopping you having another baby,he is stopping you having one by him.

That sounds snappy/dismissive of your feelings,it really isn't meant to.It's just the blunt truth.You still have other options.

If,on the other hand,you win the 'argument',then he is forced to have a baby that he categorically does not want.How is that fair?

I know it's bloody horrible not to agree on such an important issue,but on this one you have to respect his wishes.For both his sake,and any child that would result.

If your wish to have another baby is unquenchable,then you will have to accept that it won't be with him.

Groovee Sun 17-Mar-13 16:46:53

YABU it takes 2 to make a baby, both parties have to be in agreement.

zwischenzug Sun 17-Mar-13 16:47:12

Yes you are. No child should be conceived unless both parents want them, otherwise it is unfair to the child. Yes you can be upset, but that's just life.

YouBastard Sun 17-Mar-13 16:47:31

He does get the final say, and this grates. I understand what you are all saying, and I know that to a certain extent, IABU. It's just such a non-discussion though. He just closes the conversation down.

Bobyan Sun 17-Mar-13 16:47:57

I want
Children aren't possessions, you sound incredibly demanding about what you want.

ImTooHecsyForYourParty Sun 17-Mar-13 16:48:13

He gets the 'final say' because it is really unfair and wrong to bring a child into the world that you don't want.

He has as much right to not want a child as you do to want one.

It's one of those awful things where there's no way to compromise. But when both parties can't agree - it really is better to not have a child. Imagine being that child that one parent didn't want to have?

I think really all you can do it talk about how much this means to you, discuss how it could work, see what his objections are, see if there's any way to solve them.

But in the end, you may have to decide just how much you want another child, and if he doesn't want one, think about what your options are.

idshagphilspencer Sun 17-Mar-13 16:49:00

Nice choice of name OP hmm

ImTooHecsyForYourParty Sun 17-Mar-13 16:49:11

xpost. Now THAT'S really unfair. He really owes you a serious conversation about it. You have the right to understand why he feels the way he feels.

slatternlymother Sun 17-Mar-13 16:49:17

Did you talk about how many you wanted before you had children?

What did he say then?

AThingInYourLife Sun 17-Mar-13 16:49:31

I would not be happy if my husband wouldn't talk to me about something so important.

YouBastard Sun 17-Mar-13 16:50:24

Actually dadofone, I was adamant I didn't want any children. He very much did, so I gave in. So it kind of sticks in the old craw that now I want one more, he say's no.

StuntGirl Sun 17-Mar-13 16:52:24

Sorry, YABU. It's a joint decision but ultinately the one who doesn't want the baby should get the final say, to save bringing an unwanted child into the world.

You still have options, you just have to decide if you want your marriage or a baby more.

Did you discuss having more children?

HeySoulSister Sun 17-Mar-13 16:52:37

How many have you got? Can you afford more? What state is your marriage in? How big is house/car?

In other words, what's his reasoning?

YouBastard Sun 17-Mar-13 16:52:54

idshagphilspencer - Remember the thread about Discworld usernames? YouBastard is the name of a camel.

BackforGood Sun 17-Mar-13 16:52:55

Agree with others - "furious" is a strange emotion for this situation.
Sad - yes
Disappointed - yes,

but furious ?

janey68 Sun 17-Mar-13 16:53:52

To put it in simple terms OP, he gets the final say over HIS sperm. Just as you get the final say over YOUR body. Why should your desire to have another child trump his right to not father more children?

YouBastard Sun 17-Mar-13 16:54:52

HeySoulSister - we've got 2. We could probably afford one more. Marriage is strong. House/car is tiny(ish).

StuntGirl Sun 17-Mar-13 16:55:19

Sorry, x-post.

He doesn't have to have any more kids but he really should discuss his reasons with you. Not doing so is incredibly unfair, especially under the circumstances you describe.

Is it possible that kids are far more work than he ever expected and he just can't see doing it again? Or they cost more than he thought and he's worried about finances?

YouBastard Sun 17-Mar-13 16:55:59

Furious because of the lack of reasonable discussion, I'm just closed down.

StuntGirl Sun 17-Mar-13 16:58:12

Ok so you have 2. How did you decide to go from 1 to 2? When you discussed it initially did he mention how many he'd like?

HeySoulSister Sun 17-Mar-13 16:59:44

Ah right... Furious he won't engage with you, so you
don't know why he is saying no?

INeverSaidThat Sun 17-Mar-13 17:01:03

It has to be a joint decision. If your DH really doesn't want another child then that's that really. Maybe you could wait a year or so and see what he thinks then.
I checked with my DH that he wanted DC's (in theory) before we started dating about a hundred years ago I wouldn't have married him if he knew he Idont want DC's.

waterlego Sun 17-Mar-13 17:05:18

OP, I sympathise. OH and I both planned to have three children but he changed his mind after two and I felt gutted. I guess I was more fortunate than you in that my OH was at least willing to discuss it. Nonetheless, the discussion was exactly the same every single time, with my OH giving his reasons for not wanting more (and his reasons were reasonable, to his credit).

After many months, if not years of the same discussion, with me getting more upset each time, I realised that he really wasn't going to change his mind, no matter what I said. I gave it a few months without bringing the subject up at all to see if he would naturally change his mind but he didn't and ultimately, I had to accept his choice. It wasn't an easy time in our relationship but we came through it, and once the decision was made final (vasectomy), I found I was able to make my peace with the situation. I can still feel quite sad and envious at the sight of newborns but can accept that there are no more babies for me.

I hope your OH will change his mind, but if not, that you can make your peace with his decision. All the best.

soverylucky Sun 17-Mar-13 17:06:02

He should talk to you about it. I would probably be furious if he wouldn't talk about it but he really should be able to have a say in this.

scottishmummy Sun 17-Mar-13 17:07:03

He has right to determine his family size and preference,you don't have automatic right to have more
I appreciate you have preference,that's fair enough.but you have 2 he's said that's enough
Why the hell would you want baby with man doesn't want any more?

FarBetterNow Sun 17-Mar-13 17:08:05

Read LalaDipsy's thread.
They had one, he struggled to cope, she was desperate for a second, they had IVF and got twins.
Three DCs under two years old.
He is now really struggling and the marriage is falling apart.
Sometimes we need to think of the bigger picture.
You have (hopefully) a fantastic family - enjoy it.

rhondajean Sun 17-Mar-13 17:09:51

YANBU that he won't discuss it with you.

Euphemia Sun 17-Mar-13 17:10:13

You have two - how lucky. smile

Try to find a way to be happy with what you have.

Iteotwawki Sun 17-Mar-13 17:10:29

YABU to be furious that he doesn't want another baby. As everyone else has said, he has as much right not to want one as you do to want one. It's bloody unfair that this is the one argument you can never compromise on - there has to be someone who gets what they want and someone who doesn't, and the person who gets what they want the majority of the time is the person who doesn't want more children.

However given that this is obviously something you feel very strongly about, he is being VU not to discuss this with you. Not with the view to changing his opinion, but to do you the courtesy of explaining why he holds that opinion. So yanbu to be furious that he won't discuss it.

MortifiedAdams Sun 17-Mar-13 17:11:09

The one that doesnt want a baby trumps the one who does, imo. Regardless.of which one of you that is.

I couldnt have a child with someone who didnt want one.

you've got to be able to talk about this, even if only to voice your opinion and feelings and for him to just listen and HEAR you.

expatinscotland Sun 17-Mar-13 17:14:57

Did you agree on 2 and then you changed your mind?

expatinscotland Sun 17-Mar-13 17:16:05

Could probably afford one more? And not as strong a marriage as it would seem.

You can either afford it or can't.

YouBastard Sun 17-Mar-13 17:23:35

How many we'd like wasn't really a discussion. There was a point when DS2 was around 18 months that I got the distinct impression than DH was keen on another (It wasn't a discussion, more of a not being careful, cooing over babies type thing). I wasn't really ready to think about it at that point, but with hindsight, wish I had.

He says no because they are older, slightly more independent, he frets about space and doesn't want to potentially upset the status quo. He finds them quite stressful at times (as do I, occasionally!), and feels 3 would be a tipping point from fairly stressful at times to outright chaos.

Will answer more points soon, need to sort out dinner. Thanks for all your responses.

scottishmummy Sun 17-Mar-13 17:27:21

Those are legitimate reasons he's given.you can't coerce or whine him into submission

YouTheCat Sun 17-Mar-13 17:33:48

If he already finds 2 quite stressful, I can see why he doesn't want any more.

What if you went for it, after putting much pressure on him, and had twins? Then he felt unable to cope with the lack of space, marriage gets strained and ends?

What if you have a child with a disability (I have and it has been bloody hard)?

Be happy with what you have, OP.

well as someone who wasn't that keen on 3 and now has 3 i'd really urge you to tread carefully here.

sounds actually, like you have had a reasonable discussion but you can't agree.

3 is a huge stretch. or it was for me and for the first 18 months i have struggled hugely. i don't resent the child because i love them and wouldn't be without them for the world. but the level of stress, workload and exhaustion has gone up massively. and i have healthy happy children with relatively few problems and worries.

so i'm afraid that i think it's better to have fewer children and cherish them than have more and have one partner really struggle. it's doesn't feel good for that struggling partner, believe me.

YABVU. Everybody else has said what I would have said, so I won't bother repeating them. I'm afraid you'll just have to accept it.

LongingForLamu Sun 17-Mar-13 17:47:13

OP, I really feel for you. How awful that you will be denied something that feels so primal. One of you will have to compromise and come to terms with the decision. How that affects your marriage, only time will tell.

Very sad decision for both of you. I can't imagine my husband telling me that we couldn't have another baby. We often think about a 4th but always falter when we remember how fucking awful tricksy my pregnancies were.

On the flip side, I've seen two marriages fail recently because the menchildren husbands couldn't cope with the arrival of a third baby. One charmingly told his wife; "thought you were too old to conceive" so just played sexual roulette.

yousankmybattleship Sun 17-Mar-13 17:48:24

You say he refuses to discuss it and just shuts you down but then you've listed his various (and valid) reasons for saying no so you obviously have had the discussion. Maybe he just shuts you down because there is no point going over the same ground.

dadofnone Sun 17-Mar-13 17:50:33

If it had been the other way round and he wanted more but you didn't you would have had the final say.
It's like someone said before the one that doesn't trumps the one that does.

scottishmummy Sun 17-Mar-13 17:52:35

Oh utter rot.no woman has right or entitlement to breed because she wants more
Pragmatically,one consider existing family size,partner preference,finances,desire to parent again
women have no absolute right to demand more babies,because broody.mature adults consider other partner wishes -and on this one the partner not wanting more kids gets final say

myheadwillexplode Sun 17-Mar-13 17:52:42

Be glad you could have 2. Some of us will never have any children.

Bunbaker Sun 17-Mar-13 17:57:36

I think his reasons are perfectly valid and having three children might well change your marriage irrevocably, and not for the better. I agree that having children is stressful and your husband has admitted to it.

Like Longing I have seen two marriages fail because he didn't want children and she did. Both women ended up being single parents with ex husbands who have absolutely no interest in their children.

I think you need to concentrate on appreciating what you have which is probably easier said than done.

mrsjay Sun 17-Mar-13 17:57:58

Actually dadofone, I was adamant I didn't want any children. He very much did, so I gave in. So it kind of sticks in the old craw that now I want one more, he say's no.

oh thats a wee bit different ( glad i read on )he gets the say in all the babies the 1 you both have and the 1 you want, I dont think you are being unreasonable talk to him some more your feelins matter

runningforme Sun 17-Mar-13 18:02:47

My DH was adamant after our first two that he didn't want anymore children. We had them very young (neither were planned) and had worked hard to get to where we were. But I didn't yet feel that I was done with having kids and wanted one more. We discussed it over and over but he was sure he didn't want anymore and liked how our two had become more independent and we were finally getting our lives back a little. So I left it. And made peace with the whole thing. In fact, I got to a place where I decided I was actually glad to not have any more. Then DH, for some reason and totally out of the blue, changed his mind. We now have a 2nd DD and couldn't imagine life without her. It is hard work, but she is such a joy to us all.

Having said all of that, there is no way you can force someone to have a child they don't want. I know now for a fact that there is not a snowball's chance in hell that DH would want any more. I probably would if we could afford it. But I know that it would be too much - most likely for all of us. So although I sometimes get gooey eyed over newborns, I am finally ok with saying that I am finished.

YANBU for being furious that he won't discuss it with you. You deserve that as his wife. I hope he comes round to at least talking to you about it so that you can either make peace over the situation, or maybe he could change his mind

JamieandtheMagicTorch Sun 17-Mar-13 18:09:04

YouBastard

Have you told him your reasons?

If so, he's told you his reasons, so you have (sort of) discussed it. If so, there's really no compromise and therefore no more discussion to be had.

If he has not heard your reasons, the tell him you'd like to talk and him listen.

I agree with Hilda really

expatinscotland Sun 17-Mar-13 18:10:36

He's given you some very legitimate reasons. Also, 'could probably afford' is a big one these days, with less secure jobs, a lot of instability, etc.

pinkyredrose Sun 17-Mar-13 18:12:13

I was adamant I didn't want any children. He very much did, so I gave in

Hang on are you saying that you had a baby that you didn't really want to keep him happy? And now you want another one and he doesn't you think he should 'give in'?

How did your second child come about, did you want another baby or was it what your partner wanted?

expatinscotland Sun 17-Mar-13 18:12:27

That being said, I'd expect someone who is adamant about not having any more children to take full responsibility for that contraceptive-wise. I have friends who are very firm on this and are sterilised AND use another form of contraception to make sure there are none of these accidents and it-wasn't-planned scenarios that occur.

FierceBadIggi Sun 17-Mar-13 18:20:10

So you were persuaded by him to have children, when initially you said you didn't want any? I can certainly see why it seems unfair if he will now not even have a proper discussion with you about it.
Has he suggested having the snip, is he that certain of his viewpoint?

tigerellatomato Sun 17-Mar-13 18:22:28

Do not have another baby if your DH doesn't want one. I've seen the result of this after a friend "accidentally" got pregnant. H loves DC BUT regularly mentions to friends he wishes they'd stopped at 2. Don't think DC ever hears this....but it HAS affected their family dynamic, and H was certainly not as involved when DC was a baby as with the others. It's hard to accept, but try to find peace with it for a happier family life.

Ohhelpohnoitsa Sun 17-Mar-13 18:24:51

I kind of agree with what has been said by most posters; logically it has to be his final say and "talking him in to it" might have bad repercussions. So objectively the majoeity on here are right. However, subjectivity is very different. I have felt like you and it is so frustrating, especially was for me as I was in my 40s and every month seemed like time was running out. My circumstances are irrelevant here, but OP, I can very much empathise with you. I konow exactly how you feel.

I disagree slightly with some posters, thinking it should be a joint decision with no-one really getting final say. I'd want to discuss it further too, but he has given some reasonable reasons for his (strong) preference.
Also however agree with posters who've said to be thankful for and cherish what you have.

Floggingmolly Sun 17-Mar-13 18:26:27

Don't be so ridiculous hmm. Maybe he feels he's already got three, the way you carry on?

diddl Sun 17-Mar-13 18:28:58

"I was adamant I didn't want any children. He very much did, so I gave in "

So because you gave in, you think he should now??!!

Sounds as if he has discussed it tbh-you just don't like what you hear.

scottishmummy Sun 17-Mar-13 18:47:09

You know his reasons he's told you them,he knows your preference
Rub is you don't like what you're hearing,thats different from not discussing
Don't dwell,be happy for your blessings and don't let this fester

expatinscotland Sun 17-Mar-13 18:51:19

Again, if he really doesn't want one, he'll walk that walk and get the snip and use a condom every single time. Only a wanker would proclaim no more kids and then expect the other person to take responsibility for contraception or try to pressure someone into termination when they have the inevitable accident.

BeCool Sun 17-Mar-13 18:51:55

YANBU to be furious for whatever reason you want or feel.

Hope you find a way to move forward with peace.

aldiwhore Sun 17-Mar-13 18:53:18

YABU.

If one wants a baby and the other doesn't, no baby. That's just the way it is. It's not him having the final say, it's that a baby should only be made by two people who want one!

YANBU to feel crushed, but your DH is NBU.

BeCool Sun 17-Mar-13 18:53:37

I agree that he should take full responsibility for birth control now and relieve you of that burden. A small plus for you YOUBASTARD?

Phosphene Sun 17-Mar-13 18:55:46

YABU.

You already have two children. In today's time it is irresponsible to have more than 1-2 children IMO.

scottishmummy Sun 17-Mar-13 18:55:55

Are you serious becool?it's not reasonable to be furious for any reason
An adult has to moderate or consider others.in particular when having furies
Toddlers get furious for any reason,adults shouldn't.you're disappointed, move on

Xmasbaby11 Sun 17-Mar-13 18:56:44

That's so hard for you. There isn't really any compromise here, so I hope you can accept his decision.

iloveholidays Sun 17-Mar-13 19:08:13

Phosphene... Why is it irresponsible to have more than 2 children?

YouBastard Sun 17-Mar-13 19:08:15

Ok back. First of all, to the posters who have said I'm lucky to have any, I do appreciate that. This doesn't mean that the longing for one more goes away unfortunately, I'm sorry to all those who are struggling and think I should count my blessings, I don't mean to upset anybody.

Trying to answer a few points; We didn't agree on a number really, we were both in agreement that, if we could, we wanted DS1 to have a sibling. If we had another, our marriage would not struggle. I do believe this. DH has said in the past that if it happened, we would cope, but that was some time ago, just after DS2 was born.

claudedebussy - thanks for your thoughts. I hope your stress levels improve!

LongingForLamu - thanks. glad your friend kicked her idiot DH into touch shock.

JamieandtheMagicTorch - he knows how I feel. I've talked about it (might as well have talked to the wall, I'd get more of a response!). He just says no.

Expat - you find a way to afford a child, I think. If we'd sat down and looked at the cost of raising a child long term, I doubt DH would have been so keen to have even one. I don't think there are many who are totally realistic about the costs of childcare (unless they have a particular lifestyle they are very keen to maintain).

Second DC came about because we both felt that, if we could, we wanted DS1 to have a sibling. DH very much wanted a child, I didn't, we both wanted 2, only I want 3.

Yes, he's discussed having the snip, I don't want him to, although I haven't said this.

Scottishmummy - no, I'm not massively keen on what I'm hearing!

Sorry if I've missed some replies, there's been a fair few posts. Thanks for all your responses.

YouBastard Sun 17-Mar-13 19:11:59

Scottishmummy - it might not be reasonable to be furious, but fury is a human response to a whole host of situations, some understandable, some not. If someone is in complete control of their emotions, whatever they are, at all times...then I think they may be androids!

scottishmummy Sun 17-Mar-13 19:13:43

Don't stay in huff,kss the kids,kiss the dh,and accept this is a deep disappointment
You can control how you feel,can control how you behave to your dh
You say you're solvent apart from this marriage good. So chins up.don't dwell

JamieandtheMagicTorch Sun 17-Mar-13 19:15:58

If he knows how you feel, then he has listened. Unfortunately he feels different.

Floggingmolly Sun 17-Mar-13 19:16:07

If we had another, our marriage would not struggle. Even though he's totally against the idea? You need to start looking outward a bit, you're completely blinkered by how you think it should be.

Crawling Sun 17-Mar-13 19:27:53

Op I really feel for you, its hard when you want more and someone sais no. It does feel like they get the final say because I doubt many people break up a happy relationship to have another baby. Also if you said you were going to end the relationship you would be forcing him to change his mind. So yes effectivly he is getting the final say.

expatinscotland Sun 17-Mar-13 20:14:57

Is he the higher earner? Does he have good job stability - not self-employed, for example? Do you have a high mortgage or are a renter? Because in a country heading for a triple-dip recession, there are serious concerns.

Crawling Sun 17-Mar-13 20:16:15

expatin wrong thread?

Crawling Sun 17-Mar-13 20:17:02

oops sorry expatin im on the wrong thread grin

Phosphene Sun 17-Mar-13 20:58:39

iloveholidays

It is my opinion. I have many reasons for it and I would love to go into details if I had the time.

Job security isn't the same as for example many years ago, Englandis overpopulated. What if your partner or you lose your job? What happens when you have one very gifted child that would benefit from something that would use up your financial resources or all your time that you otherwise need for your other 2-3 children. I might go into detail later but it's Sunday night, I am tired and need to to x many other things before falling tired to bed at midnight.

YouBastard Sun 17-Mar-13 22:16:11

Yes expat, he is the sole earner. His job is reasonably stable, he works for a company (hope I haven't jinxed anything there). We rent.

fluffypillow Sun 17-Mar-13 22:40:32

I really feel for you OP I know how hard it is when you are desperate for a third child.

I have 3 dc's. Number 3 came along after an 8 year gap, and I know I would have always felt sad if I hadn't had another baby.

I hope things work out for you. Does your DH know how serious you are about this? and how much it really means to you? Could you sit him down, and try to get it across to him?

BearFrills Sun 17-Mar-13 22:46:03

How old are your DCs? Sorry if it's already been mentioned, I couldn't see their ages anywhere though.

We have two and had always talked about having three but we had difficulty conceiving initially then an early mc with our first, followed by DS, followed by a late mc, followed by DD. They're now 3yo and 18mo.

When DD turned one last year I mooted having that number three we talked about, not necessarily there and then but just a discussion about it and to my utter dismay DH said no. He didn't want to try for number three, didn't want a number three and was instead happy to devote himself to the two we do have.

At first he refused to discuss it until one night after we put the DCs to bed I asked him to explain his decision to me. There were tears, more than a few recriminations, I said he was being unfair,he said I was being unfair, and for the first time ever we had a serious talk about splitting up. It was only a thirty second talk, as soon as the question was asked we each said we didn't want to split up - he didn't want our marriage to end over it and I don't/didn't want just a child I wanted his child so going off and having a child with someone else would defeat the object.

For two hours we went back and forth over it and in the end we decided to leave it alone for three months and discuss it again after Christmas when we'd both had time to think it over and consider the others viewpoint. I knew inside that if he came back and still said no I'd have to live with it and that actually I could be happy. I love my children very much and I'm thankful for them so I could take comfort in that at least.

A few weeks later, one night in bed, DH whispered to me that he did want a third but he was scared. He's seen me at my most broken, crying over babies we couldn't seem to manage to conceive and then crying over babies we lost. He's been broken too by those same things and he told me he's felt guilty about it for years because in his mind he did that to me, he put me through that heartache. He was sorry for the pain I had delivering DS and the EMCS I had with DD. He had all sorts of irrational worries about me dying in childbirth or us miscarrying again or having unexplained infertility again. We had ourselves a talk of a very different kind and I realised he'd been keeping these worries to himself for years.

He also told me that DS and DD are so very young and this was another reason behind his decision not to have another. We're now at a place where we're going to start TTC in the summer once I'm settled at my new job, by the time we conceive and deliver DS will be in full time school and DD will be at nursery half days, an altogether more manageable prospect than three under fives at home all day long.

Talk to him, find out what he's feeling. Don't go in there all guns blazing, livid about his decision - YABU to react that way - but do tell him how it's making you feel. Ultimately you can't have half a child, this isn't an issue you can compromise on so it's all or nothing. You may need to ask yourself which you want more, him or a third child? If the answer is him then you need to abide by his decision and make your peace with it. If the answer is a third child then you need to end your marriage.

WillowinGloves Sun 17-Mar-13 23:03:00

OP, I'm wondering if you just don't feel listened to by your DH? Maybe you don't feel that he's taken on board really how strongly you feel about this? Everyone is right in saying that this is a decision where there is no compromise answer and for that reason, I think it's really important that you can feel he understands your emotions and really appreciates them, or you'll go on feeling furious, even if (hopefully when) you come to terms with not having the third dc you want. Can you talk it over again with him from that angle? I do feel for you. The yearning for a baby is terribly strong, even if it's your third!

anonymosity Sun 17-Mar-13 23:11:25

BearFrills that's a really thoughtful post. I hope OP gets a chance to read it through and think about that.

expatinscotland Sun 17-Mar-13 23:29:04

I can understand his reluctance, You, and he may not be willing to come around or discuss.

You must understand how this feels for him, though. This is such a scary time, and really, really scary. It is entirely possible we will go into depression. And the rental market, have you seen what that is like? There are threads on here, from people with two good jobs, references spanning back a decade, looking at 'No children', and it is a landlord's market as more and more people become unable to afford to buy, and no one is immune from notice. Things will only get worse, too.

Unfortunately, it's not as simple as have another baby, all is fine. Sometimes it is not all fine, and even when it is, it is very expensive if you both have to work FT and face childcare costs. Any responsible person must consider this, in these times. 'coud afford' means something so much different now.

Even 5 years ago, I'd have said to go for it, but now, no way. In our dreams, we'd have perhaps looked at having another child ourselves, but we must be real and honestly look at what is best for the two we have now: and that is to not have another due to finances and the economy. To do so otherwise would be to potentially expose all of them to things that can be avoided and that they don't deserve.

iloveholidays Sun 17-Mar-13 23:57:33

Phosphene. Each to their own. I have 3 DCs and irresponsible hasn't been a word that people have described me as far as I'm aware! I actually think its quite insulting. Your reasons would be valid if you only had one child so think they're a odd. I also think its sad to live your life based on 'what ifs' but its your opinion.

Hopefully my 3 DCs don't think their mum and dad are irresponsible because they have siblings!!!!

Bunbaker Mon 18-Mar-13 06:50:31

" Maybe you don't feel that he's taken on board really how strongly you feel about this?"

You could turn this around and say that maybe The OP's husband doesn't feel that she's taken on board how strongly he feels about it.

And please don't try the accidental pregnancy route.

SoWhatIfImWorkingClass Mon 18-Mar-13 07:03:12

YABU. If you have a baby then surely it would be something you both want. If you were to ttc when he doesn't want another baby then that's not very good is it?

If you fell pregnant by accident then obviously it would be you getting the final say.

ChompieMum Mon 18-Mar-13 07:22:30

Poor you OP. I really feel for you. It is SO tough to accept you can't have another child, whatever the reason for that is.

But I'm afraid that unless your DH changes his mind then that is what you have to do. I understand your feelings towards DH about this. I don't think YABU but neither is he. Either decision could end your marriage if the other cant accept it. But if you love your DH you need to try to find a way to accept it and not to resent your DH for it. Easy to say, not so easy to do. I hope you can find peace with this. Am sure the hurt will fade, like all hurt does and hopefully you will still have your two wonderful children and DH.

LowFlyingKites Mon 18-Mar-13 10:40:24

I can understand why you're annoyed, as from the sound of it he talked you into having kids originally, but the fact your saying he's now "shutting you down" and won't even talk about it sounds very one sided. You have listened to him (and actually gone through with what he wanted after not originally wanting children) so he should have the respect to at least listen and talk about it.

On the topic of actually having one. Give it a year or 2, and see how you both feel then. He might change his mind, and equally you might.
To me the bigger issue isn't that you disagree, but the fact that he won't even communicate and explain why. You're just expected to go with whatever he wants before and now, so no, YANBU.
But yabu to be furious about not being able to have another one. Upset, fine, but not furious

Just thinking another aspect could be the way men tend to communicate. Bit of a generalisation but generally women are often prepared to spend more time talking around an issue and looking at different aspects. Whereas other people, including many men, just have more of a gut feeling about things, or have already made a decision based on a few facts and feelings. To some people there seems little to talk about.
So, one thing you could do, like you are doing here actually, is to talk it all through more slowly and carefully with other people, such as maybe a counsellor ? HTH

itshothere Mon 18-Mar-13 13:15:37

I understand your feelings op. Many years ago we went through the same thing. I never got the third child I wanted. I've learned to accept it and his reasons for not wanting a third. That's not to say that there are times even now, that I still think it would have been nice. Tbh looking back it would have been to purely satisfy my longing because my dc's have never expressed a desire to have had more siblings. Nor has my dh ever expressed any regret over his decision.

CoffeeChocolateWine Mon 18-Mar-13 13:25:43

What are you "furious"about? Are you furious that he doesn't want another or are you furious that he won't discuss it. If it's the latter then YANBU. If it is something that is really important to you then you need to discuss it. He has every right not to want another, but to point blank not even talk about it is mean and very dismissive of your feelings. Not what a marriage is about.

Did you plan to have 2 and now you want another? Or did you plan to have 3 and he's changed his mind?

But I think it would be more unreasonable for you to force him to have another child he doesn't want, than for him to say he doesn't want a third.

Bunbaker Mon 18-Mar-13 20:06:06

"To me the bigger issue isn't that you disagree, but the fact that he won't even communicate and explain why."

He says no because they are older, slightly more independent, he frets about space and doesn't want to potentially upset the status quo. He finds them quite stressful at times (as do I, occasionally!), and feels 3 would be a tipping point from fairly stressful at times to outright chaos.

But he has - he said this ^^. All of which are reasonable and valid reasons for not wanting more children.

scottishmummy Mon 18-Mar-13 20:39:02

Just as a woman has right to control fertility and family size,so does male
no man can compel partner to have another child just because he want one
Equally no woman can compel her partner to have another child just because she want one

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