To get annoyed that DH just does DIY all weekend, every weekend?(87 Posts)
Yes, I know I should be grateful he wants the house to look nice etc etc, but seriously, all weekend, every weekend?
This means several negative things for me; we get no family time at all. I am left in sole charge of 3 DCs plus all household chores. The house is often a mess because there is dust, mess, dust sheets, tools, boxes, everywhere whilst it is taking place. It often means that we are inconvenienced for the day, for example yesterday we had no water all day as it was switched off whilst he installed a sink. He started the work in the morning before I got up, and it meant I couldn't have a shower or even brush my teeth until yesterday evening, and we also couldn't flush the loos all day!
I'm a bit fed up with it. He's doing more work today. We do have water though thank goodness. Once he's done one job, he's onto another. We never get to do anything as a family, and I never get any downtime at weekends.
Oh and one other thing, he thinks because he's spent 12 hours doing DIY, I should spend 12 hours doing non-fun jobs in the house too, when it's his choice to do DIY, not my choice, and I think weekends are for relaxing and for spending time as a family.
YANBU. Does he expect you to clean up the mess? Does he discuss which jobs he is going to do before starting them?
Most importantly, does he finish what he starts?
No, he generally cleans the mess up himself, and he does finish what he's started. He does discuss things sometimes, but it's not up for debate really, it's a case of 'I'm going to do X, Y and Z today'. And then in other cases he just gets up, pulls on his work clothes and starts working, as in yesterdays case.
Ooo Ooo do you want to swop?
My OH is useless at diy, could you send yours to my house..only when he's finished all your jobs though!
Oh dear can you send him round to mine I've got loads that needs doing. In fairness he probably thinks he's doing he best thing for the family by doing DIY when actually you'd prefer the family time. I think you need a conversation to find a compromise!
In that case, I am a little bit jealous! (apart from the no water bit).
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
I'm not too sure really Andcake. Sometimes I think he does it to get time alone and so that he doesn't have to deal with the DCs and do mundane day to day things for them such as take the youngest to the loo, and prepare meals for them. All that's left up to me
YABU I have no DH so have to do the DIY and childcare together as well as all the cleaning up hence nothing ever gets finished. Send him to me.
Can we swap?
You send him to me and he can do as much DIY as he likes and you can borrow DP who likes nothing more than relaxing on his days off.
He sounds fantastic. Please send him round here!
Think yourself lucky OP, I have a DH a bit like yours. BUT he spends about half the weekend doing DIY and then often rewards himself with doing his hobby on the other weekend day . Fails to realise I need a break too!
He works hard and is good at DIY, but is a terrible non-finisher - kind of gets DIYers-block IYSWIM! House is full of unfinished jobs.
Your DH sounds like he works hard and does things well which is great, but I do share your feeling that life is too short and the kids are only young for so long. I dreeeeeeam of 'getting a man in'
to do the DIY of course .
What state would the house be in though if he didn't? can you afford tradesmen to get it finished?
Oh come on with all the "think yourself lucky" and "send him round here" comments. Op I think he's taking the mick and hiding from family life . Imagine if you had said "on the playstation" instead of diy. Although the diy is more productive I agree.
You need to have a chat with him and try to reach a compromise. Him doing anything every and all weekend is not fair.
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
YABU but only hindsight will help you see this as in my case.
Many years ago my dh was the same, throughout our marriage so far we have had several moves. The value he has added to those houses through DIY is unbelievable. Come to sell and you'll reap the rewards. I know it seems bad at the time but believe me if he does this on 3 houses, your mortgage will be paid.
He cleans up, which is fantastic. He probably doesn't discuss with you for the same reason mine didn't. He had thought it through and knew what needed to be done, they are so good at project management some dhs.
Massively unfair of him. Why should you have to do all the childcare all weekend with no breaks?
Fair enough it's productive but all weekend? Does he realise how rubbish this makes your life? Weekends are precious and not just for one person to unilaterally decide how things should be.
Go out for breakfast before he gets up next Saturday and have some time for yourself at the very least.
morethanpotatoprints: you'll only reap rewards if it's well done.
And why on earth wouldn't they talk to their spouse about it? Do they think they are the only person who can decide what happens to the house?
" but it's not up for debate really, it's a case of 'I'm going to do X, Y and Z today'."
And therein lies the problem. IMO, you see his DIY as a cop-out, an avoidance of all things domestic. And given it's all/every weekend, I'd be inclined to agree with you.
Hoe about you manoeuvre him into a compromise? Ask about what DIY he wants to do and suggest setting out a schedule so that he can make best use of his time, because some jobs are dependent on others preceding them, e.g. it would have been a bad idea for him to redecorate the bathroom before putting in the new sink because then he'd just have to do it all again. And this would allow e.g. the parts to be bought in in advance, so that he can just get on with it on the day. Having made the case that would be to the benefit of his
hobby DIY, you could also point out that knowing what is happening when works for you too, e.g. with the sink you could have stored some water the night before or arranged a day out with the DC where there were flushing loos. And - this would also allow a few free weekends to be scheduled in, where you do things as a family. Because you can't work this hard DH, you need some exposure to boring domestic tasks downtime too, dear.
I'm with the "I'm jealous" line of thought.
OK, if it literally were all day, every weekend then that would wear you down, but if your house needed that much work doing to it, then you would have ben awre of that when you bought it.
No way would I be jealous of someone who has to put with no support all.weekend, dust, noise, general disruption. No matter how good the bloke looks in a tool belt.
Mine didn't always talk to me about it and I was showing the OP empathy as I can remember what it was like. I just don't sweat that small stuff now after 20+ years of marriage. .
If the OP said the job wasn't well done, I missed this bit.
Of course there are other factors like selling when the market is good to maximise profit etc. But I thought this was not applicable to the DIY conversation.
My dad was like this, our childhood passed him by and he regretted it and tells my husband to aimless DIY! Plan a family day he has to join in with.
My Dh does this too, but doesn't expect me to match it. He comes inside to find me with my feet up checking MN a lot.
So this week, on his days off I have warned him it's days off time. It's my birthday and I want to go out for lunch while Dd is in school and wander the shops together. No DIY allowed. next week he can get back to it if he wants.
BTW are you sure he expects you to match work while he's DIYing? I used to think Dh did, turns out he doesn't care what I'm up too, I do the usual, cooking a bit of washing, or ironing, but don't put forth extra effort just cause he's obsessed.
If you need a break it might be worth doing what we did for a while - we found a local sixth former to looker after the younger children here on a Sunday morning. It worked very well.
A man who is good at DIY is worth his weight in gold. But there can't be work needed every weekend for years, surely.?
Dust is the worst as unhealthy for everybody, especially DC. Drilling went through me and made me on edge, but didn't last long.
Every pro has a con in life. And many ladies are so envious of you and would love a 'handy man'.
He does sound a bit OTT though, but thank goodness he does his own mess clearing/cleaning and not say you have to do it.
I hear you OP, and you are not being unreasonable.
However, fact is, I would be delighted with him. Sorry.
You could try palming him off on friends who need odd jobs doing but whose DHs are allergic to the drill
my husband for example. He gets to fulfill his DIY urges but he's out from under your feet.
Could you negotiate alternate weekends with him so you get some family time/help with the kids?
I wish my husband did DIY. Or even helped with the heavy lifting.
I can see it would get annoying all the time though. Can you maybe book family time in advance? And yes, I wouldn't be spending all day doing no fun stuff just because he was doing DIY, I would be sitting on my bum drinking tea or going for walks with the kids.
My dp doesn't to any DIY, he doesn't enjoy it
and isn't very good at it so come the weekend I go and DIY while he spends time with ds. It's great, they get decent time together and I get to do stuff uninterrupted or hindered by work and the confines of the school day. Those of you who are jealous could just learn to DIY, it doesn't have to be the husband who does it
It's not fair if he gets to just please himself every single weekend, not matter what the activity is though. Yanbu. You really aren't.
I am still wildly jealous though. My dh is pretty rubbish at diy. He can paint, and lift heavy things and put up shelves, but he's crap at fixing things or building/making anything. He's pretty despondent about doing any of it at all. I must admit I had him chalked up as more of a diy guy than he actually is. I'm a bit gutted about that.
Anyhoo - it's selfish of him to ignore any appeals you have made to spend time together, regardless.
What does he say about it?
I need a kitchen fitting.
Is he available?
Get him to write a snagging list of everything that needs doing. As a couple, write dates next to everything. Make sure there is a day every fortniggt where no diy is allowed.
Just tell him right next weekend we are going out as a family and no fucking tools.
If he doesn't want to then you and the kids go, book a weekend away in the credit card and just leave him.
he is using it to push you away
for your neighbours too
Yabu. My dh works all weekend, and as he is a teacher, there is not even any extra money involved, I look after 2 dcs and do everything else. We have a tatty new house, and a whole heap of diy jobs, never to be done(I am pregnant with twins else wld do myself). Consider yourself lucky (provided he stops when its done!) x
Yes but going out with the children/hiring sixth formers/palming him off to friends is not addressing the part if the problem where the OP feels he is not engaged in family life.
I can see you want family time and not spend all w/end doing chores but equally think its nice he's building a lovely home for you and DCs, sorry.
Can you all agree to one weekend DIY and one weekend family time. Guess it win't be forever
Sounds like a keeper!
I have a DH who is a bit like this and it does my head in. Mainly for the reasons that you've put but also it is damn hard work supervising small children when someone is up a ladder drilling all the time.
Why not arrange family outings? One a weekend, with him. Also, I agree re asking him to let you know what jobs are planned and how long they will take.
go out and have family time, if he doesn't want to join you all for family time then that is his loss. But you don't have to miss out. Make sure you have interesting activities planned for the next three to four weekends, they don't have to cost lots of money either.
Possibly being at home alone for the next three to four weekends may make him notice what he is missing.
YANBU and for those that thing you are, just imagine the OP said - Golf/Gambling/Keep-fit , no brainer, totally unreasonable.
DIY for my DH is a hobby, he gets satisfaction from it, learns new skills and the side effect is that we eventually get a nicer environment. If DH had nothing to do on our property he'd he helping out a mate or his family, it's what he likes to do.
Sadly for DH I'm a professional trademan so am not as impressed as I could be
but the whole pregnancy & breastfeeding years gave him the perfect excuse to indulge his 'hobby' whilst I was left holding the babies.
Like yours, he could n't wait to get up and at the tools, gaining satisfaction from his projects whilst I cooked/cleaned/wiped arses 7 days a week.
I have threated to have an affair with either Brad Pitt or Johnny Depp but this doesn't move him, one weekend the DDs saw Depp as Mr Wonka for more hours then their DIY Dad.
He went out 40 minutes ago to 'tidy up' and has just come in.
Book holidays away - no staycation/day trip thing, it won't happen
Day trips to local National Trust/Beach/Country Park at least once a month, anywhere out the house, as a whole family group, DH often tries to wriggle out of these - be strong.
Make him take the kids swimming one morning so you get a break.
Build in down time for yourself - if you crack under the responsibility of consistently looking after the kids you'll go down with a bang and then where will you all be.
Well I for one don't envy you OP and I'm a single parent. Sorry to be blunt but he sounds like a bit of a crap dad/husband who does'nt really want to spend time with his family. Does he ever do anything with his kids with or without you? Do you ever get a break?
Personally I'd be making lunch/shopping plans for next weekend, alone, it'd do him and the kids a world of good to spend some time together.
And I'd say a serious chat is in order.
Jeez there must be a hell of a lot needing done! A whole day with no water for one sink?
sit him down tonight, say that while you think it's nice that the house is nicer, you need some time as a family and the DCs actually want to spend some time with him. Ask him what he had planned for next weekend, because you would like to put a new rule in that he only does DIY every other weekend, or only one day of the weekend, but beyond that, he should be spending time with the DCs.
He's being selfish, he wants to do DIY but because it's a job you would have to pay for, it makes it look like he's doing something nice for his family - point out his children would rather have a rubbish sink but spent time with their Dad. Say that there's no poitn having a great family home if he's not being a good dad.
And check your finances, say if any big jobs need doing, you'd rather he paid for it to be done and you got some time with him.
I can't help thinking if he's spending twelve hours a day twice a week there must be tons needing done so surely him getting it done will benefit the whole family?
I had a partner like this. He hated family life. He did it with his ex wife before me. His father was the same as he spent all weekend doing church things instead of bringing up his kids. Needless to say, we are no longer together.
I realised what he was doing when he was unemployed for a few months. He would sit around the house all day doing naff all and about 15 minutes before the kids came home from school, he would start the DIY and do that until the kids were in bed. I hate the bas***d.
Is he the sort of person who needs to do a planned 'thing' with the family? He probably doesn't see the problem if he's in the house DIYing vs being in the house doing whatever you're doing (Housework, childcare) but if you instigate a half day out the house all together every weekend then he might find that a bit more concrete. Or even a half day out as a family one day and a couple of hours he goes out with the kids or you go out leaving him with the kids the other day.
Wish mine did DIY he's way too busy killing zombies
That sounds annoying. It is no fun to be alone with the kids all weekend, as much as you love them - he is their parent!
I don't get this "Family Time" thing I read about on MN.
We've always both worked outside the home, so it's always been that
1 parent take dcs to their various activities,
1 parent gets on with either work (for paid work), houseworky type things
1 parent only goes if things like shoe shopping or haircuts are needed
1 parent takes if there is a medical appt
1 parent does the grocery shop,
(Obv, not at the same time - there are only 2 parents here, not 5 ).
We really would never have had time to have big family "doing things all together" time every other weekend.
Depends a bit how old your dc are too - I'd have thought, once they get past the toddler stage, then they should be able to play on their own for a while while he is getting on with stuff in the house, which would free you up to go out and do whatever it is you are keen to do, which wouldn't happen if his 'hobby' were something that took him outside the home. If they aren't quite old enough yet, they soon will be, so encourage it!
At least he's getting on with it [bitter]
Backforgood don't you ever go out together with your dh and dcs and do a fun activity?
Just to clarify: our house wasn't bought as a DIY or renovation project. DH rips things apart. He goes from room to room re doing rooms that don't need re doing. Next up is apparently our room. He only painted it 18 months ago but apparently it needs doing and the ceiling needs skimming. So that's another weekend. Then he wants to build a breakfast bar in the kitchen. Then do an extension. And on and on and on
I don't mind him doing DIY as such, but it is making me resentful as all weekend is spent accommodating him doing it. I end up taking him drinks and food up all the time. He expects me to put in equal amounts of household graft when I want to relax at weekends. He does nothing for the kids. The other week he was doing his DIY and one of the DCs was ill, as was I but he wouldn't even take her to the emergency doctors and instead I had to do it despite feeling ill
Totally sympathise with you. I had close friends where this happened. It was really hard for her to complain, as he wasn't on the PS2, and seemed as if he was working for the family. Like your dh, however, the jobs were often less than necessary - he was just avoiding messy ordinary life with toddlers. In fact, I think he was pretty scared: he hadn't had a good parenting model himself, with a father away a lot of the time, and he's not good at relaxing/just being with the kids - he's much happier with a 'project' to undertake.
She never confronted him, however, or even talked to him about it. The situation did improve a lot once the kids got bigger, and they are happier now. It was tough for her, however.
YANBU this would bug me to op why not say only one day of the weekend can be spent diying
I appreciate that DIY adds value to the family home. But I am firmly in the camp of spending time with your family while the DCs are still young. I have teenagers now and the times when we all went out for a trip to the park together are long gone. I'm so glad I did it when they were little.
And before you ask, yes, there's still lots that needs doing to our house, but we both work and we prefer to get someone in for the bigger jobs.
I am amazed that there are posters who adding value to your house is more important than family time.
Very ignorant of those saying YABU and they would love it. Yes of course they would love a handy man, as you and I do, but not to the extent that you describe.
This isn't a joint decision. He is doing what he wants, when he wants and with it being DIY, he is able to dress it up as "it's for the family", which he wouldn't be able to do with football, golf etc.
Very selfish and not taking you and your needs into account at all.
Well, an extension would need planning permission, wouldn't it? I would be tempted to say that you are sick of all the jobs and if he is going to do them, you won't do anything to help and will just get on with your weekend as if he isn't there.
Repainting every 18 months is far too often. Can't you say that you can't bear the paint fumes?
I think he is using the DIY to escape responsibility for family life. It doesn't matter one jot about the possible added value to your house if the cost is our relationship and family life. People use all sorts of ruses to disengage from family life - TV, cleaning, online chat hoho etc and the cost is family relationships. I think it's time for a proper chat about it and an agreement about how much time is spent on DIY. Re-skimming ceilings every 18 months is OCD, possibly he needs help with this? I know someone who has to be out of the house for one day every weekend so her dh can touch up skirting boards and Hoover yes Hoover the driveway
I'm glad some of you can see where I'm coming from on this; I was beginning to feel like I must be extremely unreasonable.
I think it boils down to him feeling he can do what he wants, when he wants. On Saturday a friend of his popped round unexpectedly for an hour and DH happily took a break from his work and chatted away. A while after his friend had gone I realised we needed a few things for that night's tea and I asked if DH could watch the youngest for half an hour whilst I popped to the shop, and he said 'I can't! I've got to get on'. So he's happy to have a chat with a friend for an hour but can't watch his own kids for a few minutes whilst I do something necessary for the running of the home.
Clearly that should read YOUR relationship, not our
That's right LadyWoo, he is focused on his own wants and needs and out of sync with family life. It ain't working...
Well, that was unreasonable of him and actually nasty!
He's prepared to take time off to chat to his friend, but not to look after DC while you pop to shops for essentials ?
YANBU - he is
I'd arrange to go out on my own for the whole day and casually say he'll need to mind the dc's .
I'd say he's definitely trying to avoid family life
Have you talked to him about it? i.e., said flat out, I think you're trying to avoid us -- and even if you're not, that's certainly how it's starting to feel.
I agree with the idea of a schedule, ask him everything he wants to do and schedule it in for specific weekends/days, with the understanding that the other time is family time.
He sounds incredibly selfish.
What is life like during the week?
YANBU. It does sound like he's trying to avoid his children, which is really sad. I don't know what the people who say they think he sounds greatwant out of life, but I would rather live in a ramshackle place and have a full, happy family life than live in a palace and feel like a single parent all weekend (which is not the worst thing in the world, but definitely not what I was looking for when I agreed to have kids with my DH).
If he won't compromise, I think you need to start acting a bit like him. Next time you need to do something, don't ask him if, tell him you're going and he needs to watch the youngest. And if he says "I can't I've got to..." then say, well "I can't, I've got to..." and leave, immediately, without discussing further (be ready to walk out the door when you tell him).
I think he is using the DIY to escape responsibility for family life.
This. DIY provides an extremely virtuous excuse to disengage from family life too. Nobody thinks to praise someone for killing zombies all weekend but the principle is the same even if the end product is useful.
How do you manage to keep the DC from disturbing him all weekend, every weekend?
They must look forward to seeing him and spending time with him at the weekend.
Do you live in a detached house btw? I don't think I would like to be your neighbour. Do you get on well with your neighbours?
WTF did it take all day just to put one sink in??
2hours tops your water should have been off for!
And yes YANBU. Being in a house when someone else is doing DIY is draining.
The mess always has a knock on effect on other rooms plus you're left dealing with the kids and feeling obliged to making numerous cups of tea.
YANBU - it sounds exhausting.
It is great that he is able and willing to do the DIY/Decorating but unless you have both agreed to a period of time when family life is put on hold to get the jobs done. This sounds never-ending.
He is being extremely selfish, and actually quite controlling because it is very hard to object to something that can come under the guise of being for everyone's benefit.
You need to sit down and have a serious conversation, and he needs to really listen to what you are saying. Your DC are only little once, he is going to miss their whole childhood unless he puts down his tools.
If he doesn't listen to you when you have "the conversation" that you know is needed, and if he doesn't take on board some of your points, then there is clearly a lack of respect for you.
That would worry me greatly and probably put my marriage in danger.
You can acknowledge his lack of confidence (if that could be a possibility) but he does need to take on some joint and some sole responsibility for the children's needs and happiness.
Good luck. You need to tackle this.
YANBU. I wouldn't tolerate that. If the work needs doing, that is something that needs to be discussed not decided upon by one person.
It sounds to me like he is doing these jobs to get out of having to help with the children. Could you come to a compromise and insist that he does nothing on a sunday avo and you can do family stuff then?
YANBU. It is selfish. If something needs doing then fair enough, talk about it, schedule it together.
I'd be putting my foot down.
One day for him, one day for you. Make him take the DC out. If he's home it'll be too tempting to find something to do without them. He can do what he likes on the other day.
He does nothing for the kids. The other week he was doing his DIY and one of the DCs was ill, as was I but he wouldn't even take her to the emergency doctors and instead I had to do it despite feeling ill
That is not only selfish but quite cruel.
I think you really need to confront him.
Put your foot down and say, no, our bedroom does not need redoing.
Tell him it looks like he's just trying to avoid his family all the time and see if you can have a real discussion about it. You need to figure out if his avoidance is because he has some kind of anxiety about family time (which can possibly be worked on) or if he's just a selfish prick (which you can't really).
Either way, you can't really go on like this. It's not fair on you or the kids.
RE: - 'In fairness he probably thinks he's doing he best thing for the family by doing DIY when actually you'd prefer the family time.'
you're joking, right? with 3 kids hanging around, I think I'd do anything not to do family time...
You're right (I'm the wife of the zombie killer) he's being
much more productive than mine, but he's still avoiding. It is selfish and not fair. What gets me is when he comes down and gets all annoyed because we haven't tidied up!
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