To think that it is normal to love your children more than your partner?

(195 Posts)
honeytea Sat 16-Mar-13 20:05:03

I was talking to DS today more like talking at DS he is only 3 months old I said to him "Having you as my son is the best thing that has ever happened to me" Dp overheard and said "what about me! Am I not the best thing that ever happened to you?"

I said to Dp that it is normal to love your kids more than each other, Dp thinks it is not normal.

I think parental love and romantic love is very different, I am still breastfeeding DS so maybe it is the breastfeeding hormones that are making me feel so in love with DS.

How does it work in your family?

BumpingFuglies Sat 16-Mar-13 20:06:30

No. I love them equally but differently.

HumphreyCobbler Sat 16-Mar-13 20:07:44

I don't love my children more than my DH, I love them differently.

queenebay Sat 16-Mar-13 20:08:08

I love my dd more than my dh. My mum can't understand this. Not to say I don't love my dh but I would do anything for my dd and I wouldn't for my dh.

catgirl1976 Sat 16-Mar-13 20:08:18

It's a different love but if I could only save one of them in some horrible accident type scenario, it would be DS. I haven't asked DH but I am sure he feel do the same

Alliwantisaroomsomewhere Sat 16-Mar-13 20:08:33

You are comparing apples and oranges. A love for a child is quite different from a love for a partner.

However, I understand what you mean and DH would agree with you.

catgirl1976 Sat 16-Mar-13 20:08:50

Sorry for the atrocious typing!

yaimee Sat 16-Mar-13 20:09:54

I love my son more than anyone. 'fraid that's just the way it is. if I had seconds to save ds or dp it'd be ds every time!

apostropheuse Sat 16-Mar-13 20:10:34

I think sometimes mothers feel that way when their children are very little, but that it settles down as the children get older.

As children become adults and you and your partner of many years are doing everything together and know one another more intimately than any other human being, then I believe that the feeling of love you have at that stage in your life will be more for your partner than anyone else.

However, I do agree that romantic love and love of a child is a different thing.

DH and I have spoken about the horrible accident thing. We would both save DD. However, that can be because we feel responsible for DD in a way that we aren't for each other. She is a child that we chose to create, we owe her a life. I think I love DH more since having DD and DD is, you know, DD so I love her as much as is possible.

ithaka Sat 16-Mar-13 20:13:09

My love for my husband is not the same as my love for my children. I certainly don't love him less than my children - the fact he is the father of my children has deepened our love. I know he will be the person I will end my life with when the children have left home and started their own families.

I would hope in an emergency both DH & I would put the children first, because protecting your child is a parental instinct. It doesn't mean I love them more that DH.

It is equal, but different, I would say.

SkinnybitchWannabe Sat 16-Mar-13 20:15:15

I would kill for my children, they are my world and I definitely love them more than my husband..who I don't actually like let alone love dont think I ever have tbh

MayTheOddsBeEverInYourFavour Sat 16-Mar-13 20:15:17

I agree it's a different kind of love, but no I don't love my dc more than my dh

catgirl1976 Sat 16-Mar-13 20:15:25

I agree the saving a child in horrible accident thing doesn't mean you love your DC more, just that a) you are responsible for them b) they are more vulnerable and less likely to be able to save themselves and c) you both (as parents) know that is what the other would want

I love DH and DS the same but differently

Weissdorn Sat 16-Mar-13 20:16:14

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HumphreyCobbler Sat 16-Mar-13 20:18:01

I think everyone feels that they would save their children in the case of accident or disaster. If my DH were in a position to save me or the dc I would want him to save the dc. It doesn't mean we love each other less than we love our children, but that we are programmed to look after our children.

ThreeWheelsGood Sat 16-Mar-13 20:18:08

Yabu, it's not normal to love your children MORE than DP, but it's a different love.

I'd save my cat.

Dd would climb over me to get out grin

Dh would be bumbling about looking for his coat grin

SirChenjin Sat 16-Mar-13 20:20:15

It's a different type of love. I don't let myself think about the "what ifs" of anything hideous, so I can't tell you what I would do, but I know that I would be utterly destroyed if anything happened to any of my children.

hippoherostandinghere Sat 16-Mar-13 20:20:16

I love my DCs more than anything in the world. I love them more than DH. I could never stop loving my DCs I could stop loving DH though.

noisytoys Sat 16-Mar-13 20:20:35

I love my husband the same as my children, but different. I do make an effort to treat my husband well, respect him, love him in front of the children and he does the same. This is the example of a relationship that they will see. I want it to be a good example

Domjolly Sat 16-Mar-13 20:20:51

There is nothing my ds could do that could end my love for him i might choose not to see him or dislike his life style but i love him

On the other hand i think there is plenty dh could could which would loose my love which would result in divorce and me moving on

nevertoolate26 Sat 16-Mar-13 20:21:07

I definately love my kids more than my OH. I'd do anything for them. And it's an unconditional love. With your OH, perhaps I'm cynical, but I wouldn't invest so much in a relationship when I don't know where it would be in 5, 10, 15 years time. I wish I was in a loved up relationship though, then it may be what other posters have said - same love but differently.

<shrugs> Do you love your parents more than your siblings? Your friends more than your relatives? It varies from person to person, really - my DS father is an old drinking mate and we are co-parents rather than a couple, but I do regard him as 'family' and take an interest in his wellbeing even when he is cacking on about his bloody job again but the person I love most in the world is DS.

highlandbird Sat 16-Mar-13 20:22:48

It's an unconditional love for your dc's though isn't it? So not necessarily love them more but no matter what they did you would always love them that much...whereas I love dh in a different way, just as deeply but if he were to really hurt me, which he hopefully never will, I would LTB.....I would never leave my children. Maybe that's just me?

zukiecat Sat 16-Mar-13 20:22:51

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Love for your children is unconditional all other love has conditions, so it's different. I love the dc, I would die for them, I love Dh I would be devastated if anything happened to him, I wouldn't die for him though.

honeytea Sat 16-Mar-13 20:23:37

I really really love my DP, he comes a very close second but I feel like I have know DS all my life even though I only met him 12 weeks ago.

I think it must be hormonal, I felt this love for my Dp when I was pregnat, I would sit and look at his eye lashes and smell him, now I feel like that about ds, I am so excited when I wake up every morning and I know I am going to spend the day with him, when I go to sleep at night it feels like christmas eve knowing I am going to wake up with my amazing ds.

I think maybe I am just a little crazy ;)

ChestyLeRoux Sat 16-Mar-13 20:23:38

Same love but differently. Think its weird when people say they love one more than the other. Your a family for life there shouldnt be a pecking order.

highlandbird Sat 16-Mar-13 20:23:57

Oops few x posts there I'm slow at typing .......

nevertoolate26 Sat 16-Mar-13 20:24:14

Threewheelsgood - why is not normal to love your kids more? I read an article once, I think it was in Psychologies, one of those true articles. If I remember correctly, the man left his wife because she said she loved the kids more than him and he'd said he loved her more than the kids. I think the psychologist said a woman naturally loves her children more whereas the man would love his partner more.

NatashaBee Sat 16-Mar-13 20:24:47

As domjolly said... Love for your children is unconditional, love for your DP is not.

INeedThatForkOff Sat 16-Mar-13 20:24:51

I was thinking about this today. As much as my DH is a wonderful man and I love him, my feelings for my DCs are incomparable. I wonder if this is why some men feel jealous of their babies?

I don't love dh less than dd.

I do love dd unconditionally though, and if dh were to cheat, leave, be violent etc, I would leave him.
I would never leave my dd, whatever the circumstance.

Weissdorn Sat 16-Mar-13 20:25:36

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

nevertoolate26 Sat 16-Mar-13 20:25:54

zukiecat - I envy your parents relationship - as long as it was mutual! But I still think 'd love my kids more.

neontetra Sat 16-Mar-13 20:26:06

Have no words to describe my love for dd.

Will always love dh, apart from anything else he's her father, but of course I love him less than her. In fact, i told him so soon after she was born. He understood - am sure that by now he feels the same.

I know we've been lucky in finding it so easy to love her. I love her more than I can say.

HollyBerryBush Sat 16-Mar-13 20:27:53

No. DH comes first with me. Kids are as a result of "us".

I recently read a study that said children are more secure when they come second to the parental relationship because it gives them stability and security. Can't think which hypothesis that was, someone with a working knowledge of psychology will know.

It's a bit like the crashing plane scenario and there is one parachute short - who goes without. Me of course - he is the current principle wage earner, ergo he is needed to care for and provide for the children. We would argue about this as the plane plummeted! He would say he is better life insured therefore he would go without the parachute so that me and the kids were ok.


Why is it even a competition?

Why even think in those terms?

I love DH more than any other man I've ever known. I love DS more than any other child in the world.

But I could never say I love one more than the other, not only because they're different kinds of love, but because I just love them both so immensely. I couldn't even begin to measure or compare.

firesidechat Sat 16-Mar-13 20:28:57

I don't love my grown up children more than I love my husband. It is a different love.

The love you have for your children is visceral and made up of a huge need to protect and care for them. If someone tried to harm them I would tear them limb from limb. You worry about them and this never stops.

My husband is like my other half (I know this is a cliche, but it feels like that). He is my best friend and I will spend far more of my life with him then I ever will with my children. Children grow up and make their own lives and parents will be less vital to their happiness.

I couldn't choose between husband and children and thankfully don't have to.

5madthings Sat 16-Mar-13 20:29:21

I think its a different love, I do know I would sacrifice myself for my children if I had to but I don't know that I would do that for dp.

Ohhelpohnoitsa Sat 16-Mar-13 20:31:00

I wish I could be noisytoys above, I am in fact more domjolly. both excellent posts.

Beamur Sat 16-Mar-13 20:31:46

When I was pregnant with DD, DP and I went to see 'Pans Labyrinth' - in retrospect, not a good choice when 8.5 months upduffed....
Coming out of the film (mildly traumatised) I said to DP if he has to choose between me and our unborn child, who would he choose? He said he would choose me. (This was the 'right' answer at the time). Having had our baby, I revisited this conversation and said, if ever we were in that situation again, he must choose the baby - he smiled.
He understands this totally. However much you love your partner, you would die for your kids.

SirBoobAlot Sat 16-Mar-13 20:32:34

I love my DS more than anything. I would do anything for him.

Completely normal to love your children more than anyone else, think that's the way it should be.

I adore dh but yeah I do love the dc more. Fortunately he feels the same.

zukiecat Sat 16-Mar-13 20:32:38

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WhatsTheBuzz Sat 16-Mar-13 20:32:38

op, that's really lovely to read, glad you're enjoying your baby. I love my dc more than anyone. Rather fond of dp too.

catgirl1976 Sat 16-Mar-13 20:32:43

Agree it's the unconditional element with DCs that is the biggest difference

Morloth Sat 16-Mar-13 20:36:01

Love isn't finite or measurable.

I feel differently about my kids and my DH but I dont love one more than the other.

RatPants Sat 16-Mar-13 20:36:41

I love my dc more. I love my dh like no other but there is no question in my mind.

RaspberryRuffle Sat 16-Mar-13 20:37:15

Exactly what dreamingbohemian said. They're 2 different kinds of love and can't really be compared.

TheOneAndOnlyAlpha Sat 16-Mar-13 20:37:19

I love chocolate. I also love cheese. But which one is better? Only one way to find out.....

ThreeWheelsGood Sat 16-Mar-13 20:37:24

nevertoolate - Maybe I have a male brain despite being a mum(!). I think I have pnd so I'm probably wrong. I was just using the wording of the op, I don't think it's "normal" to tell your dp you love the kids more than them, I don't think I ever would but I'd love them in different ways.

What I find interesting is how it's pretty taboo for women to say they love their partner more than their children. I'm thinking of Michael Chabon's wife (name escapes me) who wrote an essay about loving her husband more than their children and everyone freaked out, people reported her to social services, it was crazy.

I don't think any answer is particularly 'normal', people just think about things differently.

Beamur you made my hay fever flare up <sniffs>.

Beamur I had that exact same conversation (and revision!) with my DH smile

Schooldidi Sat 16-Mar-13 20:43:56

I love my dcs more. He is well aware of his place in the pecking order. He loves them more than he loves me as well.

I can imagine live without dp but I can't imagine my life without my dds in it.

LadyPessaryPam Sat 16-Mar-13 20:45:44

When my DCs were small they rules my life, they were the centre of everything. as they grew older my DH figured larger and larger again. It's biology I think. Now my DH is my most important person because we hopefully will be spending our retirement together.

thebody Sat 16-Mar-13 20:46:23

Zukiecat, they didn't deserve to have a child did they? How vile of your mother to say that to you. So sorry.

I love my Dcs, the 2 grown up ones just as much as when they were babies, probably even more as they are more vulnerable( if you have grown up Dcs you will understand this)

When we thought dd might have been killed in an accident last year for about 5 hours It was the worst experience fear and total sock of my and Dhs lives.

We love each other but the kids come first every time for us both.

DragonMamma Sat 16-Mar-13 20:46:29

I love my DC's unconditionally

I love my DH conditionally i.e. he doesn't turn in to some selfish arsewipe and/or have an affair/lie

jamdonut Sat 16-Mar-13 20:50:54

My eldest child is now 20. I have spent the last 2 - 3 years "letting go " of him. I don't love him any less, but he has his own life (although still living at home) and the rest of the family aren't really a part of that life. I feel this happening to a lesser extent with my 16 year old DD. She is most likely going to go to University and talks of a time when she won't be at home,and although I love her to bits, it is time to start the disentangling. My 13 year old Ds still needs me and probably will for some time yet.
DH...we've been married 23 years this year. We've had ups and downs, but I still love him intensely.(I am his second wife, he's my "first" husband.) I can't see things changing any time soon smile

wordfactory Sat 16-Mar-13 20:54:22

Oh my wor, I certainly wouldn't want to say I love one more than the other.

I have certainly prioritised DC in a way I haven't my DH. But then I cannot wait to spend the rest of my life with DH, but i certainly don't expect or indeed want to spend the rest of my life with DC.

BegoniaBampot Sat 16-Mar-13 21:01:12

Children way above husband. I'm really surprised people have said the love is the same though can understand it might change as children get older. Maybe says something about our relationship.

Startail Sat 16-Mar-13 21:10:15

DH is my lover and my BF, he was before the DDs were born, I hope he will be after they leave home. He's been part of my life for 25 years.
And the DDs are our children born from that love and friendship.

I think I'd miss DH more if he died and be more upset if it was one of the DDs with their future still ahead of them, if that makes any sense.

DigestivesWithCheese Sat 16-Mar-13 21:10:56

Children above husband, he feels the same, we both think that's normal. Although for the first year we had DS, I remember feeling terribly guilty about that and probably wouldn't have admitted it to DH.

We've discussed the 'horrible accident' thing too and it's clear that the priority for both of us would be to get the children to safety first. That's what I would want more than anything so I understand DH feeling the same.

suebfg Sat 16-Mar-13 21:12:12

I think it's totally normal

TheBookofRuth Sat 16-Mar-13 21:20:39

I love my daughter more than anyone else in the world, including my DH. I'd die for her. I'd kill for her. I adore my DH, but DD definitely has the edge.

DH claims he feels the same way, but I don't believe him, as he also said, in the "horrible accident, you can only save one" scenario, he would save me, because "you can make another her, she couldn't make another you". I pointed out that in that hideous situation, I wouldn't be making any more babies with him, because I'd never be able to forgive him.

Urgh. I've freaked myself out just thinking about it.

DS is a toddler so sometimes I do love dh more grin

But seriously, its a different love. My love for ds is unconditional whereas with dh.... if he were to behave like ds he would be out the door grin. DH was a bit put out initially that he wasn't top of the list but as his love/bond grew with ds, I got shunted down his list too. And we both know its a different kind of love which isn't really comparable. Theoretically as our love for ds is unconditional it is "greater".

Since ds arrived I do feel a deeper love with dh, but I also have a deeper annoyance with him too...

Good point TheBookofRuth - I would never die/kill for dh but wouldn't think twice about doing it for dh. And if a really horrible scenario arose I would sacrifice dh for ds.

Janni Sat 16-Mar-13 21:30:23

If you want to preserve your relationship, it's probably better to avoid letting your partner know that you love the children more. I'm 16 years down the line and it took me a while to realise this.

thebody Sat 16-Mar-13 21:30:56

I don't get the letting go of older children thing.

Oh holy Jesus that makes me sound like a potential mil from hell and I definatly won't be.

But you have total control over a baby and young child. You know where they are and can keep them safe( generally)

The older they get the more risky it is because they drive, meet strangers, get drunk, go on the gap year to Thailand etc.

Just realised talking bollocks as dd was hurt on a school trip and I trusted and still do trust the teachers to keep her safe.

Still Dcs above dh for me though and love him to bits.

firesidechat Sat 16-Mar-13 21:31:41

*DH is my lover and my BF, he was before the DDs were born, I hope he will be after they leave home. He's been part of my life for 25 years.
And the DDs are our children born from that love and friendship.*

I think I'd miss DH more if he died and be more upset if it was one of the DDs with their future still ahead of them, if that makes any sense.

Startail - this is how I feel too. I do wonder if the difference between alot of the posters here is due to the ages of their children. When they become adults you have to disconnect a bit and let them live their own lives. They have husbands/partners who will hopefully love them and look after them. In a way it's a relief to let someone else take over slightly.

motherinferior Sat 16-Mar-13 21:33:46

DP is a perfectly nice bloke. But he's one of a series of partners I've had; he's the third man I've lived with and I am well aware that if we split up I'd pick myself up and carry on perfectly competently.

My children, now, it's totally different. Totally.

MayTheOddsBeEverInYourFavour Sat 16-Mar-13 21:36:18

For me it's not down to the ages of the dc, my youngest is only just two and I have always felt the same even when they were babies

I adore my dc, I love them beyond measure and I would do anything for them, but I don't love them more than my DH

honeytea Sat 16-Mar-13 21:36:34

I moved to another country and my mum was so angry at my dp for "stealing" me. I thought she was crazy but now I understand 100%.

I am glad I am not the only one who feels more love for their dc than their dp.

ANother thing I love about ds is they way he is a mix of all the people I love (well the people in my family and dp)

Viviennemary Sat 16-Mar-13 21:37:36

I think there is totally overwhelming love for a tiny baby. So it is normal for you to feel this way at the present time. I would imagine it is partly hormone related.

thebody Sat 16-Mar-13 21:39:04

Defiantly age has nothing to do with my feelings for my Dcs. Absolutely don't get that at all but just my opinion.

firesidechat Sat 16-Mar-13 21:41:06

But you have total control over a baby and young child. You know where they are and can keep them safe( generally)

Looking back, this was a very easy stage and it's only later that you realise this.

The older they get the more risky it is because they drive, meet strangers, get drunk, go on the gap year to Thailand etc.

This stage was absolutely horrible and you do nothing but worry, worry, worry. Suffered more lack of sleep waiting for them to arrive home after a night out than I ever did when they were babies.

However self preservation takes over and you do learn to relax. It changes hugely once they have met their partners and are in happy, well balanced relationships.

Maryz Sat 16-Mar-13 21:43:19

Given a choice is there any one of us who would save our dp/dh/dw from a fire rather than our child? I doubt it.

And in return, I would hope that given a choice my dh would rescue any one of my children rather than me. And I think he would

If that means we love the children more, then fine.

Hopefully they won't live with me for the rest of their lives - but I would rather be on my own for the rest of my life (or die myself) than have one of my children die.

Maryz Sat 16-Mar-13 21:44:42

And just to confirm what thebody said above, ds1 has just come in having been out for over 36 hours (and not answering his phone) and I just feel so relieved smilesmilesmilesmilesmilesmile


firesidechat Sat 16-Mar-13 21:45:00

For me it's not down to the ages of the dc, my youngest is only just two and I have always felt the same even when they were babies

MayTheOdds - I really meant the difference between having children that you are responsible for and when your children are grown up.

mum47 Sat 16-Mar-13 21:45:36

I could never admit this in real life, but my DH was really ill two years ago, and it was touch and go at the start. I had to prepare myself for the worst. I honestly felt that although it would be horrendous, I could cope without him, because I had my dcs to keep me going, where in comparison, the mere thought of anything happening to my dcs tears me up

Xmasbaby11 Sat 16-Mar-13 21:50:36

I don't love DD or DH more, but I love them differently. Of course I would rather either of us die than her, but that is because it is the natural order of life. I do feel that I would never recover if something happened to DD, whereas I would recover if it were DH - as you said Maryz.

DH has always says he loves me more than DD, though.

thebody Sat 16-Mar-13 21:50:56

Firesidechat can see that it will be less scary as they get older and more settled.

Maryz the little bugger! Give him a hug and then a right good telling off!!

Mum47 think we can all understand that.

Bicnod Sat 16-Mar-13 21:52:26

I love my DC more than anyone or anything.

DH knows this but still says he loves me most.

I genuinely don't understand or believe this... how can he possibly love me more than them?

I love my DH but my love for my DC is at a whole different level.

Bicnod Sat 16-Mar-13 21:53:20

Arse. Strikethrough fail.

LadyPessaryPam Sat 16-Mar-13 21:57:08

I think it's sad that so many value their DP less than their children. I am sorry for your life partners. We value our children highly but I for one value my husband equally.

Maryz Sat 16-Mar-13 22:05:07

So Pam, if you were trying to save one from a fire, are you really saying you wouldn't choose your child first? I find that hard to believe.

I value my dh very highly - so highly that I know he would prefer me to save a child first.

LadyPessaryPam Sat 16-Mar-13 22:08:05

My kids are 21 and I would save them first because DH & I are old, but I love him as much as I love them. They have their lives ahead and we have each other now.

thegreylady Sat 16-Mar-13 22:09:42

dc-I would kill to save them,I would die to save them [dgc or dc]
dh I would want to die without him and feel he is essential to my life
Love has so many facets hasn't it?

thebody Sat 16-Mar-13 22:10:01

Pam I value my dh because I know that in a fire he would die trying to save our children. He values me because he knows I would do the same.

We could live without each other. I can't imagine living without my children.

Maryz Sat 16-Mar-13 22:11:34

That's what everyone is saying - nothing to do with "valuing dp's less".

thebody Sat 16-Mar-13 22:13:30

But I do see what you are saying if course.

Maybe we should just be grateful that we actually do have people to love.

idiot55 Sat 16-Mar-13 22:14:44

For me its a differnet sort of love I cant describe it any better than that.

Ironbluemayfly Sat 16-Mar-13 22:18:57

I too was never left in any doubt that I was second to my parent's great love affair.

midastouch Sat 16-Mar-13 22:21:23

Its a very different love, but ultimately if you have to chose who to save first in a fire, for example, its DCs every time! You love your kids no matter what they do, it just doesnt generally work like that with a DP

Maryz Sat 16-Mar-13 22:26:17

Iron, I think that is very sad sad.

I agree with that midas.

I will love my children no matter what they do. If dh had done half the awful stuff ds1 has done I would have kicked him out and would really dislike him now.

Because ds is my child, I will love him regardless. I may not like him, or like what he does, but I doubt he could ever do anything to stop me loving him.

I understand now why mothers visit their children in jail, no matter what their children have done.

So maybe it isn't "loving them more" it's "loving them regardless", if that makes sense.

TheBookofRuth Sat 16-Mar-13 22:28:11

Jesus, LadyPessary, you "value your children highly"? That sort of boundless affection must warm the cockles of their little hearts.

And you needn't waste your time feeling sorry for my "life partner". I'm a catch, and he knows it grin

I love dh but it is a love based on conditions. I would not stay with him through adultery for instance.

My love for ds is unconditional and I cannot even contemplate the idea of how my life could carry on if anything happened to him. I know it would but I can't imagine how.

And please don't misunderstand what I say next as I have been with dh for 20 years and have been completely faithful. But I do not believe in soul mates. I don't think there is only one partner out there for us. If one of us died or we split up I am sure we would meet someone else.

I love dh but it is very different to the love I have for ds.

aquashiv Sat 16-Mar-13 22:33:09

Yes unconditional although I will let you know how we are doing when they are teenagers.
I can understand how relationships suffer as we both take a back seat for the kids.

Thewhingingdefective Sat 16-Mar-13 22:34:44

I love my DCs more than my DH, definitely. I would give my life for my kids and would feel like my world had ended if I lost them. I would be very, very sad if I lost DH but I would get over it.

The love for my children is so strong it hurts and is a protective love.

The love for DH is a much gentler thing. Romantic, but not really heady or passionate. Just comfy I suppose.

JollyYellowGiant Sat 16-Mar-13 22:36:44

I love DS more than DH. I'm pretty sure DH feels the same.

I love my dog more than I love my OH, I've had the dog 9 years, OH has only been part of my life 3. He knows his place. But then I'm pregnant at the moment so could happily murder OH most days. I don't doubt that I will love our child more than him, I think that's only natural.

Bluegrass Sat 16-Mar-13 23:03:08

Why does this imaginary fire always get trotted out as if it is some sort of official measure of love?

What about if you have a 10 year old and a 3 year old trapped in this conflagration - if you say you'll save the 3 year old does that conclusively demonstrate you love them more?

I also wonder if all those people who talk about parental love for DC's being "unconditional" ever slip out of their rosé tinted specs and read about the poisonous behaviour of parents to children (and vice versa) over in Relationships. As far as I can see over there, once the little bundles of joy grow up all bets are off!

JingleMum Sat 16-Mar-13 23:35:14

There's been a couple of posters who say their children come first/are loved more, but their DH's don't feel the same, they love their wife/partner more. I would be repulsed if my DP said this or if I knew he felt this. I expect to come second to DD and would feel very uncomfortable if I didn't. Infact, could I stay with him if he put me first?

I love DP with all my heart & soul and would struggle to be without him, but my DD is my everything, I could not live without her, seriously, I don't think I could, I'd die of a broken heart if anything happened to her. I love her more, because it's a different, unconditional love. DP feels the same.

Although, sometimes I get a tiny bit jealous! They leave me out sometimes! DD is only 3 though.

Maryz Sat 16-Mar-13 23:38:42

Bluegrass, it's a way of thinking straight about who you love "best".

I know that given a choice between any of my three and dh I would rescue the child.

I also know that given a choice between my three I couldn't choose. I suppose I would go for the closest, or the one in most danger at the time, I don't know.

And yes, I know my love for my children is unconditional, I will never be the type of parent you see in Relationships, no matter how awful my children are. I'm not speaking for anyone else.

Yellowtip Sat 16-Mar-13 23:43:44

I have lots of DC aged between 22 and 10 and at no stage since DC1 was born could I ever have said that I loved DH more than any of the eight DC. Totally unthinkable. At no stage did it ever come near, even in the early days. But that's probably a comment on the relationship tbh, not a universal truth.

BegoniaBampot Sun 17-Mar-13 00:06:38

Agree, if husband said he loved me more than the children I would think WTF, really can't understand this. But all these people who love their husbands or partners as much as their kids make me wonder if I reall have a screwed up view of love with your partner. I don't think I'm capable of that kind of love .

Magimedi Sun 17-Mar-13 00:17:15

Was talking about this with DH the other day - idly as DS is a (nearly) married adult.

The 'who would you throw out of the life raft situation'.

DH said he'd just drop over the side quietly so as not to give me the agony of the decision.

I love my DH so much - just about to reach 28 years of marriage. He really is a star. Not a stealth boast. He's just a great guy.

anonymosity Sun 17-Mar-13 00:20:33

I remember when I had our first DC. I could see that my DP loved him more than me and it seemed the most natural thing in the world. I wasn't excluded or compared, just totally different. He was very surprised when I said I knew it was the case, but didn't deny it!

KC225 Sun 17-Mar-13 03:05:09

Magimedi - what a touching post to write about another person - bought a tear to my eye

sudaname Sun 17-Mar-13 03:25:14

l got into a bunfight on here once over this. Kept getting told that my DH categorically could not possibly love me as much as his kids. hmm Or he was a liar if he said he did. hmm

exoticfruits Sun 17-Mar-13 06:19:30

It isn't something that you can compare because it is completely different. One is conditional and one is unconditional.

amothersplaceisinthewrong Sun 17-Mar-13 06:27:56

Love them differently but equally.

Think it is very inportant not to let love for your kids take over so that partner feels like second fiddle.

ravenAK Sun 17-Mar-13 06:47:35

I very definitely love my children more. & I would take for granted that dh loves the dc more than me.

Dh is my best friend. He makes me laugh more than anyone I've ever met. He is the father of our three dc & I could not possibly ask any man to be a better father. I admire him, trust him & adore him.

But I am quite able to contemplate his unexpected death - it would be dreadful, but I'd cope, & crack on with raising our dc, as he would if I carked it. I cannot imagine the pain of losing one of my children. Absolutely no question that I'd choose a child over dh if I were allocating seats in an overcrowded lifeboat, say.

I'd expect him to feel exactly the same - I'd be utterly shocked if I thought he'd preserve me (in some equally far-fetched thought experiment type situation...) rather than any of the kids...

LtEveDallas Sun 17-Mar-13 06:55:12

I think it's quite normal to feel that way. My love for DD would remain, no matter what, my love for DH could be broken quite easily.

DD is an only, I won't be having any more children. If I were to lose DD I would kill myself - I'd have nothing left to live for. If I were to lose DH I wouldn't, because I'd still have DD.

My love for DD is more powerful and more intense than it is for DH. I couldn't imagine life without her, whereas I could imagine life without DH. I doubt I would marry again, because I believe that he was 'the one' but I could carry on living.

SoWhatIfImWorkingClass Sun 17-Mar-13 06:56:57

I do love my children more than I love my DP. I still love him a lot though, just not as much smile

rach6122 Sun 17-Mar-13 07:01:15

Anothers place completely agree differently but equally... surely You have to be a couple first this is why so many things go wrong children constantly being put first, I would not be able to cope without my dd or my dh my dh is the best thing that ever happened to me and subsequently my dd.

My love for my DCs is unconditional. There is nothing they could do to stop me loving them or walk away from them and it is my duty as a mother to lay down my life to protect them if necessary.

There are a load of things DP could do to make me stop loving him or make me leave him! And he can look after himself. I love him to death at the moment but appreciate that it may not always be so.

BornInACrossFireHurricane Sun 17-Mar-13 07:52:32

I love my husband very, very much but I would rather lose him a thousand times over rather than either of my children.

We've had the conversation as well- he knows I love them more and feels this is 'right' (he insists he loves us all equally but would have to save them over me)

Branleuse Sun 17-Mar-13 07:52:39

I love my dp with more passion than anyone else in the world.
I love my dcs with all my heart.

As a family, i love everyone, deeply, but i want to grow old and die with my dp, whereas id quite like my children to leave at some point

Backtobedlam Sun 17-Mar-13 07:59:24

I love my dc's far more than my dh, I don't think any type of love would ever rival that which I feel for my children. They grew inside me for 9months, I loved them before they were even born, that just cannot be compared with the love for someone that I just happened to meet whilst out one night!

rach6122 Sun 17-Mar-13 07:59:52

I would save my dd over dh because I created her life and an responsibe for it, that's the reason!

rach6122 Sun 17-Mar-13 08:00:22

Nice way to describe hubby!!

georgie22 Sun 17-Mar-13 08:04:46

I love dh and dd equally I would say but you can't compare the 2 types of love. As other posters have commented the love you have for your dc is unconditional and deeply protective. I've been with dh for many years before dd arrived and am looking forward to our years together when our dc have grown up (pregnant with dc2). I love dh more since we had dd as he was less convinced than me about having children but knew how much it meant to me. He's a fantastic dad so I love him more for that and seeing him with our dd who we made. I agree that the worry of being a parent never goes away even when they are grown up with families of their own - my own parents are testament to that and I think it's more so when I'm pregnant.

I think every parent would save their dc before a partner in that scenario. It's the natural order of life to expect certain losses i.e. parents, partners etc. but not dc.

MamaBear17 Sun 17-Mar-13 08:08:21

My love for my husband is conditional. He could lose my love by mistreating me, or my dd, by cheating on me or by hurting me. My love for my dd is totally unconditional. There is nothing she could do that would ever see me walking away from her. Ever. I think my husband would agree with me in saying that she is the best thing that ever happened to us, and both of us would agree that we must put her first, before each other. However, I came to this conclusion from the second she was placed on my chest and I saw her face. My husband really began to bond with her when she started to interact a bit more. When he first made her giggle he was so elated, it was like he experienced the same 'oh my God' reaction that I had had 8 weeks earlier. The more I handed dd over stepped back (something I found very difficult in the early months) the more he bonded and the deeper he fell for her. Now, at 19 months when she expresses a distinct preference to 'cuddle daddy now, go way mummy!' He is completely besotted. I think, in the early stages, it is really important for mum and dad to find a little time for themselves. I know my husband felt a little insecure at the very beginning, and completely pushed out by me and times. I, on the other hand, would moan that he sat back and let me do everything, but when I thought about it, it was because I wouldn't let him do anything! It is a balancing act really. Just make sure he gets plenty of opportunity to bond with your ds and he will get there.

ChompieMum Sun 17-Mar-13 08:15:58

My DC will always be my DC. My DH may not always be my DH. So DC first always.

honeytea Sun 17-Mar-13 08:27:31

I think maybe my dp's love for ds grows everyday where as for me I loved him when I held him after he was born, it was like a tidal wave of love it doesn't get more and more each day because I don't think I could love him any more.

I was anticipating not loving my baby right away, I knew I might feel a but detached but I had the opposite feeling it was a bit overwhelming.

everlong Sun 17-Mar-13 08:32:03

My dc and dh are all I have. I love them all the same but differently if that makes sense.

TripleRock Sun 17-Mar-13 08:48:02

DH is my best friend, my companion, my partner, my other half.

Just thinking about DD makes my heart feel like its going to burst, I love her smell, her tiny hands, the way her ringlets boing when she's tearing around!

I adore them both but it's different. One is unconditional, one isn't. If I ever thought DH was or could harm DD I would put her in the car and leave without a backwards glance. In a heartbeat.

DH and I work as parents because ultimately her needs come first.

I'm kind of surprised to see the way some (not all) people are referring to their partners. Like they're kind of incidental or replaceable.

I feel like the love I have for DH is just as miraculous as the love I have for DS -- perhaps because I come from a really dysfunctional family, perhaps because I had 20 years of dating before I found him, or because I see so many relationships around me that are not really that great. I honestly feel grateful every day to have such an amazing partner, I just love him to pieces.

The chances that I'll ever have to choose between him and DS are slim to none (touch wood). So I don't really see the point in thinking in such terms! I love them both, in different ways. I would actually feel really uncomfortable if I thought in terms of loving one more than the other.

Lexiesgirl Sun 17-Mar-13 10:10:17

I agree with some of the other posters about soulmates and imagining losing my DP. It would be truly, truly awful but I can imagine what life would be like, and I can also imagine that one day I would meet someone else and fall in love and have a lovely relationship with them.

The thought of losing the DC... Impossible to imagine, just impossible.

But it's not a comparable love. DC is part of me, literally. DP is not.

motherinferior Sun 17-Mar-13 10:38:50

Partners are replaceable. People split up, they take up with new partners, they're often just as happy - or happier - than they were's happening every day.

firesidechat Sun 17-Mar-13 11:09:43

The chances that I'll ever have to choose between him and DS are slim to none (touch wood). So I don't really see the point in thinking in such terms! I love them both, in different ways. I would actually feel really uncomfortable if I thought in terms of loving one more than the other.


firesidechat Sun 17-Mar-13 11:22:35

Not sure that the burning house scenario is much help in proving the pecking order for love either.

I would always save my children first and would expect my husband to do the same, but it's not about whether we love the children more. I would rescue them because my maternal instinct wouldn't have it any other way. To a parent your children are always vulnerable and you are hard wired to care for them. The pain and devastation I would feel at my husband or children being harmed would be the same.

SashaSashays Sun 17-Mar-13 11:33:56

Protecting your children is an instinct, I don't think that the horrific accident situation works at all.

I'm in love with DH, I wouldn't have children without him and I would die for him, I absolutely adore him, I never want him to leave me (permanently not on a day to day basis, I'm not that needy).

I feel a maternal love for my children but I expect them to leave, my eldest is 21, I've nearly almost let go. I'm not in love with them, I probably care for them more but would miss DH more. I'd rather be without my children than DH.

I don't think its normal to love your children more, maybe equally in different ways but not more.

IWantAnotherBaby Sun 17-Mar-13 12:00:22

I love my DCs more than DH, without question. I could perfectly well go on with life without him. I do love him (although right now I don't feel I LIKE him very much for all sorts of reasons), but not in the completely all-encompassing way I love my children. I think that's totally normal. I would die for them. I would not voluntarily die for him; my children need me, and yes, they need me more than they need him.

Ultimately my love for him has a lot of conditions attached (sticking to our marriage vows, treating each other well, that sort of thing). My love for them is unconditional, and doesn't depend on them loving me back - I know they will grow up and leave me; this is how its meant to be; but I would never leave them.

If for any reason I lost my children, DH would not in himself give me enough of a reason to continue living. That seems harsh, but is absolutely true.

Fanjounchained Sun 17-Mar-13 12:51:59

People lose partners through bereavement or break ups and they can survive. My world would end if anything happened to my children. I love my partner and think i've grown to love him more as i've watched him become a great daddy. But i know he loves the kids more than me and i love them more than i love him. My wee boy is forever telling
me he loves me and asked if i loved him more than i love daddy, i lied of course and told him i love them all the same.

RichManPoorManBeggarmanThief Sun 17-Mar-13 13:04:41

Don't you think though that being more devastated if your children died than if your partner died is more to do with the natural order of things being interrupted. It's not expected for parents to outlive their children and so there's a feeling that it's not fair/right/just that a child has died, on top of the usual grieving process.

I would kill to defend DH (say there was an axe murderer on the loose), but I would die to defend my children, absolutely no question asked. However, I'm not sure that's necessarily all about love- some of it is just instinct and biology. Now I've passed my genes on I can die.

We're biologically programmed to protect our children, but I think a lot of this urge, which is attributed to love, is just survival instinct (survival in terms of the species rather than ourselves).

exoticfruits Sun 17-Mar-13 13:07:03

I think that people over think these things-why try and compare the incomparable?

Thumbwitch Sun 17-Mar-13 13:09:06

I have unconditional love for my sons. I do not have unconditional love for DH - it's rather conditional on his behaviour towards me. Therefore I have to say that I love my sons more than my DH - but I believe that that is relatively normal.

Maryz Sun 17-Mar-13 13:46:21

Instead of the burning house scenario, imagine another scenario.

If your dp/dh did something really awful - was violent to you or your children, murdered someone, defrauded vulnerable people, even committed adultery etc etc - think of whatever really terrible thing someone could do. Would you still love them?

If your child did the same, would you still love them?

That's what i mean about love for children being unconditional. And imo unconditional love is a greater love.

Maryz Sun 17-Mar-13 13:46:48

x-posted with Thumbwitch <waves>

SirChenjin Sun 17-Mar-13 15:19:02

MaryZ - do you know, I'm not sure if I could love my child if they raped/murdered/defrauded. Those are such hideous behaviours, I'm really not sure how you (or rather, I) would be able to come to terms with my child committing those crimes and still be able to find love in my heart. I'm presuming you're talking about a child as an adult though?

catgirl1976 Sun 17-Mar-13 15:21:13

I would still love my son no matter what he did

I might hate the behaviour but there is nothing that would stop me loving him.

He is my child

Maryz Sun 17-Mar-13 15:22:34

I think you would find you did SirChenjin. You might try not to, and try not to care, but I think most parents find they can't actually stop loving them.

And yes, I am talking about a child as an adult, because I suspect no matter how old they are they are still your child.

Maryz Sun 17-Mar-13 15:22:45

x-posted with catgirl smile

SirChenjin Sun 17-Mar-13 15:26:46

I honestly don't know if I could MaryZ - a cold, brutal murder on an innocent person? I think I would feel love for the person/child that they were and would feel terrible grief for the loss of that person, but I honestly don't know if I could love someone who had been so evil.

catgirl1976 Sun 17-Mar-13 15:30:13

I think in that situation SirC I would still love him dearly and eat myself up with guilt thinking what he had done must be my fault in someway

Maryz Sun 17-Mar-13 15:33:49

ds has done some pretty awful things. I have tried to stop loving him, but I can't. So I suspect no matter what he was to do in the future I wouldn't stop.

But yes, I do feel grief for the person he could have been, and terrible guilt.

Thankfully things are improving.

But I think it gives me an insight into why murderers have family come to visit. Before, I would have thought that some things didn't deserve forgiveness and some people didn't deserve love. Now is it much less black and white.

catgirl1976 Sun 17-Mar-13 15:38:41

Try not to feel guilty Maryz sad

(I know as a mother that's next to impossible but I am sure you are in no way to blame for whatever your son has done. I am glad things are improving)

SirChenjin Sun 17-Mar-13 15:38:48

I would definitely feel guilt - as parents I think we do blame ourselves for our children's behaviour. Whether or not I would still love them would depend on so many factors though, but I suspect that I would have a limit.

God, what a depressing thing to be discussing on a lovely Sunday afternoon!

LadyPessaryPam Sun 17-Mar-13 15:39:34

TheBookofRuth Jesus, LadyPessary, you "value your children highly"? That sort of boundless affection must warm the cockles of their little hearts.

You have no fucking idea how much I love both my children and my hsuband Ruth. I feel very sorry for your family.

QOD Sun 17-Mar-13 15:40:05

Having been second and third place my entire life, my dd is number 1.
I think as others have said, its the unconditional thing.

I feel sorry for children whose parents don't feel like that IF their children grow up knowing it.

It's not nice knowing you're not actually that important to your parents and grandparents.

Maryz Sun 17-Mar-13 15:41:03

Not depressing, SirChenjin, philosophical grin

SirChenjin Sun 17-Mar-13 15:44:13

I'm liking your positive spin MaryZ grin

TheBookofRuth Sun 17-Mar-13 15:52:07

Why LadyPessary? I can assure you there is no need. Both my husband and my daughter are very happy, well-loved and well-cared for.

EasilyBored Sun 17-Mar-13 15:56:22

It' a different kind of love. The love between DH and I is based on a lot if give and take, we both get something out of the relationship and there are conditions on out behaviour (no having sex with other people for example), that kind of love is a balance and includes more than just love. It's about respect, trust and compassion.

The love I have for DS is more one sided. I am resppnsible for him, I love him endlessly, but I don't really expect anything back because he's just a child and those kind of adult concepts are a bit beyond his 14 months on this planet. I imagine it will change as he gets older, but like others havr said, I fully expect him to move out and maybr have a family of his own one day. DH and I will be a team forever.

Maryz Sun 17-Mar-13 15:58:23

"I feel very sorry for your family." - that is one of the most obnoxious passive-aggressive insults I have seen on here. And totally inappropriate.

This is a good example of mnhq getting the personal attack definition wrong. Personally I would prefer someone to say "You sound like an arse" than "I feel sorry for your family"

ffs hmm.

SirChenjin Sun 17-Mar-13 16:04:30

"I feel very sorry for your family"

Why, what has she done to her family LadyPessary??

Arcticwaffle Sun 17-Mar-13 16:45:26

No question for me, 3 dc come top of my affections.
Then DP, on a good day.
Then lots of friends and one sibling.
Then DP on a bad day.
Then lots more friends.
And a long long way behind, the rest of my family.

I do feel that partners are quite replaceable. DP is great, but there are other fish in the sea, partnerwise.

jellybeans Sun 17-Mar-13 17:05:24

YANBU totally normal IMO.

everlong Sun 17-Mar-13 17:12:58

It's not a bloody competitor.

You love your husband and you love your children.
Just differently.

After losing a son and going through what i can only describe as a living nightmare I can say that I love DH more than ever. He's been there and is still here every single day. That matters.

everlong Sun 17-Mar-13 17:14:12

Been there and is still here for me <typing in the bath>

Jenny70 Sun 17-Mar-13 17:28:42

To me it's the thought of the grief I would go through if either DH or child died.

I can picture us continuing on without DH, an existance that would be a hard road - particularly at first - but one I could "see" as a possibility. We faced this possibility once, and thankfully it turned out OK, but I could see past it - I could think "this is what we would do", "this is how I would need to cope to go on" etc. It scared me greatly, but I could cope, I believe.

The thought of one of the children dying leaves me with a big mental blank - "how would I go on?" "how could I even get through the days?" I couldn't even see how I would cope etc.

So much as I love my DH, I would have to say the children come first.

I could see "not loving DH" if he did something terrible, but couldn't see how I'd stop loving my children - I can see being cross/disappointed and angry if they turned into terrible people, but I couldn't not love them, I think.

Ragwort Sun 17-Mar-13 17:37:20

Agree with all those who say its a totally different kind of love, of course I would 'do anything' to save my child's life in an emergency, as would my DH but that doesn't mean I wouldn't equally try and save my DH's life in an emergency confused.

I am looking forward to the time my child grows up to lead his own life, I will be proud that I have raised an independent adult (hopefully) - and then I will really enjoy being alone with my DH again. I wouldn't want my DS to live with me for ever, however much I love him grin.

Think it is very inportant not to let love for your kids take over so that partner feels like second fiddle - that is a very true comment Another - you do see quite a few 'martyr mummies' (& a few dads like it) who are totally obsessed with their children to the detriment of any other relationship. That is equally bad for the child of course. I have a close friend who is distraught now that her children have left home, she openly says that she has only ever seen herself as a 'mum' and feels she has no other purpose in life sad.

TheBookofRuth Sun 17-Mar-13 18:34:49

No martyred mummies here, in fact as I write this DH is getting DD ready for bed whilst I relax with a glass of wine, and god, didn't my heart just swell with love for the pair of them when I saw DD curled up on his lap while he read her a bedtime story.

DH and I are still very much a couple - we laugh, we talk, we flirt, we cuddle and smooch and make love whenever the opportunity arises, and we present a united front in the face of whatever patience-straining, sanity-changing behaviour DD has come up with in any given moment. I don't love him any less since DD came along - if anything seeing what a wonderful father he is makes me love him all the more. But the comment about not "letting" your love for your DCs take over made me laugh, because it's not like I had a bloody choice in the matter! DD was the Captain of my heart from before she was born, and there was absolutely nothing I could do about it.

motherinferior Sun 17-Mar-13 19:40:49

One in three marriages ends in divorce. I don't know the stats for parents chucking out their kids, but I'd estimate it at a lot lower than this.

I may grow old with DP. Or we might separately or mutually get fed up with each other. We might indeed find that as our relationship has always been predicated on being co-parents (I got pregnant five months in) we don't particularly get on well when that is taken out of the equation. (Especially as we don't go in for 'date nights' or similar toe-curlingness.) There are a lot of variables. Which is not the case with parenting.

abbyfromoz Sun 17-Mar-13 20:45:26

Sorry but i agree with OP. nothing compares to the love i have for my daughter. Nothing. As 'taboo' as it is to admit. Although DH agrees with me- we both love her more than anything on this earth and we are both very content with this.
We joke about it (eg would you jump out of a plane for me? What about DD?)
But honestly it's true- i would do ANYTHING for my daughter... I would do most things (within reason) for my DH.

wordfactory Sun 17-Mar-13 20:56:41

That's interesting mother that you and your DH have always been parents.

DH and I spent a fair while happily sans enfants, and look forward to it again.

The period we have been en famille has been wonderful and very intense, but I remember the period of time beforehand fondly, and look forward to its return. And DH try and scrpae together as much time alone too...

motherinferior Sun 17-Mar-13 21:07:29

It makes for good copy anyway grin. We have featured, pouting for the camera, in the parenting section of the Guardian ('Did we have children too soon? MI asks') In all honesty I cannot imagine having large chunks of time alone with him at the moment. I see my post-child future more in terms of seeing my friends and getting a bit more writing done.

wordfactory Sun 17-Mar-13 21:41:51

Well that's honest.

I think I have unrealistic ideas about my free time post DC. In my mind, I'll suddenly be able to do everyhting.

Yellowtip Sun 17-Mar-13 22:32:53

Maryz you've been through tough stuff and it's hard for those who are hypothesing and haven't been through tough stuff to understand. Experience changes perception. That's why I never say categorically that I would feel a certain way in an imagined situation. My own limited experience suggests though that no matter what, I'd never give up on my children.

PureedGoodness Sun 17-Mar-13 22:37:13

The love of your child is unconditional love. Plus i agree its a very different kind of love to one you have with a partner

ComposHat Mon 18-Mar-13 00:58:02

When parents say 'I have unconditional love' for their child, is that really the case? (This is a genuine question as I don't have children) but what if they murdered a sibling/family member, torched your house or physically abused an elderly relative? I would have a hard time loving someone capable of that child of mine or not.

Is it really unconditional love or is it just a case that the thresholds of ehat behaviour they are prepared to forgive is higher?

exoticfruits Mon 18-Mar-13 07:47:48

You can still love the child while hating what they have done. It is unconditional - I can't switch it off.

5madthings Mon 18-Mar-13 08:17:15

Do you think its totally unconditional tho exotic ie if for example you have a son who rapes someone or commits dv. Would you still love them? I think i would feel horribly guilty and question my parenting! I dont know if i could still love them if they did something like that? But they say blood is thicker than water... Maybe that parental love stays and that is partlu why some parents refuse to believe/accept their child has committed a crime?

exoticfruits Mon 18-Mar-13 08:21:30

I would still remember them as a baby, still remember all the lovely times - parental guilt would set in- I would wonder what I had done. The only time that I can imagine it happening is if they were under the influence of drugs and then it wouldn't be the 'real' person underneath.

Weissdorn Mon 18-Mar-13 08:22:06

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE Mon 18-Mar-13 08:23:51

I definitely love my DD more than any other person.

If I lost a partner or a family member, I would be sad, but I would be able to recover from it and move on.

If I lost my DD I would die.

Again, I find it odd that so many people are saying their partners are replaceable.
Boyfriends, sure... abusive partners, definitely... but the father of your children, whom you are still (presumably) happy to be with? Eh?

There is no way I could ever imagine my DH as replaceable. He is really the love of my life. If god forbid something were to happen to him -- well, never say never, perhaps maybe someday I would find someone else, but he would never replace my DH. He would be something else entirely.

If you see your partner as replaceable then I can totally understand why you love your children more. But do you really think he's replaceable? Does he know this?

exoticfruits Mon 18-Mar-13 10:20:44

Not replaceable but you can make your life with someone else.

When my DH died suddenly I felt it was harder for me than my PIL because he was the centre of my life, everything revolved around us as a couple/family and absolutely everything had to change. For my PIL it didn't make much difference in daily life because he had left home years before, we lived 60 miles away and probably saw them about once every 6 weeks on average.
However, although I will never forget him and he can't be replaced, I now love someone else, married and had more children and couldn't go back. PIL can't do that. We have always included them in the 'new' family but it isn't the same. I sent MIL a Mother's Day card because I always remember her on that day-but I feel it must give her a pang because we are substitutes and not her children.

Anything that goes against the natural order of things is wrong. DH and I are around the same age so it is impossible to know who will die first, but we both expect to die before the children. You expect to cope with one and not the other.

I'm sorry for your loss exotic.

I'm glad you've found happiness again. Maybe because I'm older (40s) I don't think I'd have that chance. That might be affecting how I see things.

CoffeeChocolateWine Mon 18-Mar-13 10:34:12

Love for your DH is very different to the love you have for your's not about loving them more or less. Love for your DC is totally unconditional...but it's not always for your DH. Your DC are your dependents and you are responsible for would do anything for them, put their needs and lives before your own, you want to protect them as best you can and god help anyone who ever hurts them...! And it's the love you get back from them too...totally unconditional.

Your DH is your partner and you love him but you are not responsible for him and he doesn't need that protection that your DC do.

exoticfruits Mon 18-Mar-13 11:15:53

That was the really irritating thing when widowed young dreaming-older people saying 'it's OK for you, you can meet someone else' when it is the last thing you want to do! It depends what stage you are at-at that stage I thought the older ones were the lucky ones because they had seen their DCs grow up, had silver wedding anniversaries etc.
I don't see why people need to quantify it. There is infinite love-love for one doesn't take it from another. There are lots of different sort of love and I don't see why you need to try and compare.

SmellieWellies Mon 18-Mar-13 11:22:29

''I don't see why people need to quantify it. There is infinite love-love for one doesn't take it from another. There are lots of different sort of love and I don't see why you need to try and compare. ''



Oh gosh, I'm sorry if I said the totally wrong thing! It must have been an awful thing to hear, I'm sorry to allude to it.

I totally agree with you about infinite love -- beautifully put.

Maryz Mon 18-Mar-13 11:23:43

exotic, those are very moving posts. And so true.

And I agree with love being unquantifiable.

My children are adopted, and I expect them at some stage to contact their birth families. I'm not afraid that if they do they will transfer their love from us to their "other parents". I expect their love to expand to incorporate other family members, if that is how they feel.

Just as having a second (or third or tenth) child doesn't take away the love you have for your first - it expands.

We can all love infinitely.

KellyElly Mon 18-Mar-13 11:24:33

I think it's pretty normal. Relationships can end, the love you have for your child is unconditional and lasts a lifetime.

exoticfruits Mon 18-Mar-13 11:29:00

People get so needy. You only have to see the angst on here if a DC says they love daddy more, or the tears if DC says 'I don't love you any more'. It must be pretty scary for a 3 year old to come out with those statements and be taken seriously.

exoticfruits Mon 18-Mar-13 11:31:55

There is also the weird assumption that people can only love children if they are blood relatives e.g. a granny can't feel the same about an adopted child or a step grandchild as a biological one.

everlong Mon 18-Mar-13 11:48:13

' if I lost my daughter I would die '

No you wouldn't though. It doesn't work like that.

Losing a child is the most painful experiences that you could go through, the pain is always there.

But you do not die. And it sort of bugs me that people who haven't lost a child can say that.

motherinferior Mon 18-Mar-13 12:17:14

It's precisely because I am in my 40s that I realise that there isn't such a thing as a Soulmate or a Single Great Love of one's life. I live really quite happily with the father of my lovely children, but of course I could live happily with someone else. I've done it before, dammit. So yes, in that sense of course he's replaceable.

Thumbwitch Mon 18-Mar-13 12:37:34

Oh I don't know, MI - I've met a couple of soulmates, who'd been married forever - he saw her on a boat and knew he would be marrying her; followed her home to see where she lived (creepysounding but not actually) and then asked her out all proper like; they were married for nearly 70y before she died and were so lovely to each other. I'm sure they must have had their moments; but their love shone so strong even in their old age, it was a beautiful thing to see.
Their kids were shits though; not sure what went wrong there!

I don't think there is a soul mate for everyone though - and I think waiting for one to turn up would be an utter waste of a life - you can have a great marriage without it being "perfect".

That's interesting MI because I have the opposite reaction -- having been in many relationships before, all of which failed for whatever reason, I really appreciate how lucky I am to have finally found someone where it does work, not just for a short time but longer term.

All the guys I lived with before didn't work out. So it's not soothing to me to think, oh I could always live with someone else -- the evidentiary record is not optimistic!

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