to not talk to him in the morning?

(92 Posts)
CorsicaJane Sat 16-Mar-13 03:44:29

DP and I have been together 5 years and have a 2yo.

We go out together with friends in town about once a month, he goes evey other weekend. Tonight he came back from work and asked if he could meet his best friend as they havnt seen each other for ages for a couple pints. I thought ok, no problem I know him so know he'll be out all night! I can deal with that.

After a phone call to see what time he'd be back to see if I should leave a key out it transpired that he hasn't seen his mate at all. (He said he'd be back late so about 2am usually)

Another friend we go out with a lot text me to ask if he was home yet, he wasn't so I rang him to see where he was and my best friend from school answered, so said hi lovely to talk to her and my DP said hed be home soon.

Then got a text from her saying DP was at hers and might stay! I still talk to her a lot she's a life long friend. The kind u only see 3 times a year but ur always close. DP knows her as my friend, never socialised with her together and he's never met her flatmate (girl)

This makes me uncomfortable and I don't see why he couldn't come home. He's staying at 2 girls flat he doesn't really know, he said he does know her so what's the problem? He's now asleep on her sofa and I'm annoyed he's put me in this situations.

Whose being unreasonable? Is it me :s
He knows I'm unsecure! For good reason too.

notnagging Sat 16-Mar-13 03:52:05

It's not you it's him. I think writing it down just confirmed it to you. Don't let him do the classic turning it around. That is very odd behaviour. Whether your insecure or not, if he respected you he wouldn't do it, simple & she is not a friend.

CorsicaJane Sat 16-Mar-13 03:56:24

Thank you, he will definitely turn it around on me, he didn't even tell me where he was because she had text me to tell me. Even after I text him saying I was annoyed. She's made out I don't trust her but to be honest its not even about that. Why would he go to basically a strangers house instead of just coming home? I think your right in the respect thing, I'm sitting up in bed, with my 2yo fast asleep and he can't even make it home, and I will be expected to pick him up tomorrow. Eurgh.

ToupOfRegDwight Sat 16-Mar-13 04:21:02

Don't pick him up! He made his own way out so he can make his own way back!

Do NOT pick him up.

If the bastard can make his way there he can make his way back.

I would be furious if my DP did this. But he just wouldnt, because its not normal behaviour. Why the fuck is he even there?

CorsicaJane Sat 16-Mar-13 04:41:48

I don't want to pick him up but ill loose the battle I always do! sad he obviously told my friend he couldn't afford a taxi cos she said she thought it would be better him staying there then a randomers but I know he has more than enough to get home.

Exactly why is he there? I'm not even furious because its not the worst of things he's done over the last 5 years! :

Things ill never forget:

After a week in hospital after an emergency c-section, the day we got to take our LO home he went to Royal Ascot. I stayed at my mums, was very anemic sp? But didn't want to stay another night, was the worst night of my life!

First family holidays, 1 with my family, 1 with his - both times he flew out a day late so he could go to a party he couldn't missed so I flew with LO without his help.

My 21st last year, he went on a stag do for a friend he hardly sees and missed it. Didn't get a card or present when he came back but he bought himself a new England shirt.

Why isn't this the final straw?!

CorsicaJane Sat 16-Mar-13 04:41:48

I don't want to pick him up but ill loose the battle I always do! sad he obviously told my friend he couldn't afford a taxi cos she said she thought it would be better him staying there then a randomers but I know he has more than enough to get home.

Exactly why is he there? I'm not even furious because its not the worst of things he's done over the last 5 years! :

Things ill never forget:

After a week in hospital after an emergency c-section, the day we got to take our LO home he went to Royal Ascot. I stayed at my mums, was very anemic sp? But didn't want to stay another night, was the worst night of my life!

First family holidays, 1 with my family, 1 with his - both times he flew out a day late so he could go to a party he couldn't missed so I flew with LO without his help.

My 21st last year, he went on a stag do for a friend he hardly sees and missed it. Didn't get a card or present when he came back but he bought himself a new England shirt.

Why isn't this the final straw?!

MammaTJ Sat 16-Mar-13 04:53:37

So you are 21/22 and have been with him for 5 years. How old is he?

It sounds as though you have grown up and he hasn't.

Time to LTB. He does not put you or your child first and from little hints you have dropped has cheated on you?

How much more do you think you should put up with?

When the final straw comes (and it will come) it will most likely be something pretty small in comparison, but you will just have had enough.

None of what you have said he does is nice behaviour or even normal. He doesnt respect you. Time and time again he puts himself and his want to party before you and his daughter. I bet theres more. I am so sad for you.

So why isn't this the final straw? Only you can answer that. It won't get better and you know it, he lies, he is selfish and lets you sit and worry. He sounds horrible. This is the role model of how to be a man for your child.

CorsicaJane Sat 16-Mar-13 05:10:41

Mamma he's a year older than me, it was ok before we had our daughter because I was working FT including all weekend so it didn't matter if he went out or not. He kissed 2 girls within the first 2 months of us being together. That he told me. The problem is I know some of his mates cheat on their girlfriends and have no idea which doesn't help. He's always banging on about girls being good looking on TV and always puts me down when we argue or he's annoyed about something.

Maybe its not the final straw because iv given up so much to care for him and our baby (not that its too much of a chore to look after her! smile)

I always think I'm strong cos no matter what he does I'm always happy with my friends and family. But I'm obviously just a doormat!

Final straw. Hmmm if I knew he cheated on me and had destroyed all hopes of our family that would do it. But I'd have to be 100% certain. He's done nothing suspicious but I'm never sure if he has or not - is that gut instinct? Or paranoia?

I guess I'm hoping he will grow out of it. I finally think he's getting the 'family man' thing then he does stuff like this! Iv always given him a lot of freedom in the sense of not having a problem with him going out with his friends. I lost a lot of friends when I got pregnant so I didn't want that for him.

Thank you all for your replies! I knew I was pissed off but it goes so much deeper

notnagging Sat 16-Mar-13 05:24:36

He's done nothing to make you suspicious?! What do you call suspicious behaviour then op?

DublinMammy Sat 16-Mar-13 05:25:39

He sounds very thoughtless, immature and downright horrible at times. You deserve better than that. I would be very upset and angry in your place and wouldn't DREAM of collecting him. People will treat us the way we allow them to and if you keep allowing this, he will keep doing it. It's that simple. Hope you manage to get some sleep and perhaps figure out what you want to do tomorrow - well, later today....

BonaDrag Sat 16-Mar-13 05:31:07

You're young, you have family support close at hand.

You can survive without him.

It's not going to get better. He doesn't care. I'm sorry I'm being blunt but you can choose misery with him or give yourself the opportunity to be with someone who actually respects you and treats you well.

CorsicaJane Sat 16-Mar-13 05:33:01

Notnagging - he goes out with his mates, I go out with them all too sometimes, he doesn't hide his phone, I always know where he is. I don't know if the problems in my head because its whether I believe him or not IYSWIM.

Yea, daughters just got in to bed with me so we are going to have a snuggle and kip for a couple of hours hopefully! I have no anger at the moment but I'm sure when he crawls home smelly and hungover I will be! I will tell him what for and Iv tried lots of ways of not allowing him to treat me like this, shouting, letting him get on with it, leaving. Iv got a lot of thinking to do I guess! Thank you all for replying, its nice to know its not normal and unacceptable behaviour, as he makes me feel stupid for feeling this way!

CorsicaJane Sat 16-Mar-13 05:33:02

Notnagging - he goes out with his mates, I go out with them all too sometimes, he doesn't hide his phone, I always know where he is. I don't know if the problems in my head because its whether I believe him or not IYSWIM.

Yea, daughters just got in to bed with me so we are going to have a snuggle and kip for a couple of hours hopefully! I have no anger at the moment but I'm sure when he crawls home smelly and hungover I will be! I will tell him what for and Iv tried lots of ways of not allowing him to treat me like this, shouting, letting him get on with it, leaving. Iv got a lot of thinking to do I guess! Thank you all for replying, its nice to know its not normal and unacceptable behaviour, as he makes me feel stupid for feeling this way!

EMS23 Sat 16-Mar-13 06:10:34

It sounds to me like he simply isn't ready to settle down yet. 23 is so young, especially for men.

Not making excuses for him, he sounds like an immature prick to be honest but the fact is, that at 23, he is young.

Stop trying to change him, you're using up a shed load of energy for nothing. He won't change till he's good and ready and I'd estimate that will be in about 7 years time.

Stop enabling him to be a shit dad and partner. Go your own way and hopefully he'll be a wonderful devoted Dad to your little girl when he has his time with her. I really don't think anything you can say to him, right now, is going to magically turn him into the partner you deserve to have at your side.

Staying at your mates house means one of two things to me. He's shagged one of them, or he's done some drugs and doesn't want to come home in a state.

Emilythornesbff Sat 16-Mar-13 06:35:30

Do not pick him up today.
Keep it breezy, no need to have ago (even if he deserves it) but do not pick him up.
It's very liberating to break a cycle of "losing" these battles.
Good luck.

maddening Sat 16-Mar-13 06:36:10

I'd pick him up as soon as 2yo is awake - no lie in the morning spent chatting and having breakfast with your friend - up now and out - fuck his headache!

maddening Sat 16-Mar-13 06:40:36

But I am bitter and jaded and slightly vengeful

LittleChickpea Sat 16-Mar-13 06:46:19

Really sorry to read this. YANBU and I can understand why you feel insecure. From what I have read he creates situations and an environment that would make anyone feel insecure.

His behaving in a really selfish andirresponsible way. his got his cake and His eating it. Don't pick him up, tell him to do the walk of shame if he has no money.

I know it's hard but you need to find a way to stand your ground and draw a line regarding what's acceptable and what's not. Beware if you do you may need to kick his self centred arse out if he steps over the line. Your other choice is to live with his bullsh*t.

You sound lovely, keep your chin up.

Emilythornesbff Sat 16-Mar-13 06:58:31

Hadn't thought of it like that maddening.

CorsicaJane Sat 16-Mar-13 07:12:08

ESM23 - I understand he's young, so am I! But I manage ok, we both sat down and when we found out I was pregnant and discussed if we could be good, financially stable, supportive parents and we decided we were, I think at even 20 when we had her he could man up. Sometimes you have to. I know plenty of dads that age that are great partners and fathers. So I'm sorry but I don't agree with that comment.
He makes life so bloody difficult! He could have just come home and I wouldn't be questioning everything!

Thank you LittleChickpea, I do think I'm a nice person, that's the problem, he knows it too and takes advantage.

Had the phone call just now - after 2 hours sleep! My little girls not even up yet for god sake. Why stay there if your going to get up 2 hours later?! Says he has no money but I know how much he took out in cash, if he's spent it all he'll have to take more out of his bank acct. Like most people! Like he should have last night! Told him we r sleeping at the moment. And that was the end of the conversation.

Emilythornesbff Sat 16-Mar-13 07:17:49

Stay in bed. Have leisurely breakfast with your dd.
He can make his own way home.
He is being selfish and thoughtless.
You sound too good for him tbh.

OrangeFireandGoldashes Sat 16-Mar-13 07:23:27

Well done for saying "no" to him. Now you just have to do it again when he rings back later. If you don't feel you can, then turn your phone off and take your daughter out for the morning when you've both got up. Do not, whatever you do, pick him up. He's a big boy, he can get a bus or walk. Ordering/expecting you to pick him up from this woman's house after behaving in a way that he now knows has upset you is unacceptable. If you can stand up to him over this comparatively small thing, it will give you a platform to build on to start standing up to him over the bigger things - like him still wanting to act like a carefree immature bachelor when he has a young daughter to provide for.

YesIamYourSisterInLaw Sat 16-Mar-13 07:27:43

You don't go to sleep drunk at 5 then wake up at 7, I bet he hasn't slept.
This sounds to me like of a tropical case of " oh but I can change him" let's face it we all love a challenge but at some point you have to accept that he isn't going to change and your happiness and your daughters stability have to come first.

AThingInYourLife Sat 16-Mar-13 07:29:07

Do not go and get him.

You are not his taxi service.

PS he is shagging your "friend"

Euphemia Sat 16-Mar-13 07:31:36

Stay strong - do not pick him up. Keep saying no.

Don't let him turn this on you. Keep telling him he lied to you last night and he's the one behaving badly.

SoftKittyWarmKitty Sat 16-Mar-13 07:34:54

He's an absolute arsehole. He treats you and your DD with total disdain. He certainly doesn't respect you - if he did he wouldn't have stayed at another woman's flat, sofa or not hmm.

He behaves this way because he knows he can get away with it. He has you right where he wants you - even picking him up in such situations, which to his tiny mind will say that means you are ok with it all. Even though you've tried telling and showing him how much you dislike his behaviour in the past, it hasn't worked because you end up carrying on as normal.

He's not going to change. You have to.

And I hate saying that because you're the one doing everything right, but sadly things will only change if you make them change. Right now he walks all over you but you don't have to put up with it, you know.

Don't pick him up - at all. Tell him to walk if he has no money. Start thinking about your future. Is this what you want from your relationship? If not, make plans to start afresh, without him if necessary.

MyHeadWasInTheSandNowNot Sat 16-Mar-13 07:37:27

He's stayed the night with two girls.
He didn't tell you where he was.
Another mate rang you to ask if he was home yet.
He didn't meet the friend he went out to meet.
He regularly pulls this shit.

I'd say he doesn't hide his phone because he doesn't care enough about your feelings - not because he has nothing to hide.

If he's not already cheating on you (which I suspect he probably is when he gets the opportunity for a no strings shag) then I would put money on him doing so because, in his mind he's young and deserves to 'have fun' sad

It sounds like it's going to be a hell of a long time before he grows up unfortunately and if I were you (knowing what I know now, not what I would have done at your age mind you!!), is tell him to move out. You and your DD will be much happier when he's not causing you this stress. I know it's a hard thing to do and I know that you don't want to lose face with your friends and family and that 'putting up with this shit & coping' makes you feel strong - but you know what, it takes a strong woman to say 'I am worth more than this shit - so leave' - you can do it.

EmmaBemma Sat 16-Mar-13 07:44:41

Well done for standing up to him! And I agree with you, his age is no excuse for the way he's treated you. Me and my fella might be old farts now (well, we're in our thirties) but we got together when we were younger than you and he would never have treated me like your partner is treating you. He's being a selfish prick, and you don't deserve it.

Inertia Sat 16-Mar-13 07:45:14

Glad you said no to picking him up.

He isn't behaving like a partner , nor a father. If you and DD have the temerity to inconvenience him - by coming out of hospital post birth for instance - he bugger off to do what the hello he likes. You don't have to wait for him to cheat to decide that things are not working - he's pulling plenty of other crap already.

Inertia Sat 16-Mar-13 07:47:38

Sorry , typos - should be buggers and hello .

BelleDameSansMerci Sat 16-Mar-13 08:03:35

Your comment about "manning up" is key here. He could man up. He is choosing not to. If he continues to choose not to you may find it hard to tolerate.

Jux Sat 16-Mar-13 08:21:01

Well, he's got things all nicely going his way, hasn't he? That's because you've 'manned up' but he hasn't.

Do you go out and stay out getting pissed until 2am, spending all your money so you have to stay on some bloke's sofa, then ring him and expect him to get up and come and pick you up? No? Oh, that'll be because you're being responsible and adult, because you have a child.

Funny how he thinks that doesn't apply to him.

manticlimactic Sat 16-Mar-13 08:21:32

So if he didn't go and meet this mate, which was the basis of the night out, who on earth did he stay out with(going on the assumption the mate didn't turn up)?

Coconutty Sat 16-Mar-13 08:30:04

So if he wants to come home after 2h, what's he been up to there then? Cos he's not been sleeping.

You sound lovely, he does not. Big talk needed I think.

Kyrptonite Sat 16-Mar-13 08:33:07

You don't need him. Your daughter doesn't need him. He sounds awful and you're being taken advantage of. Don't pick him up. Pack his things and give him a nice surprise when he finally rolls up hungover.

FutTheShuckUp Sat 16-Mar-13 08:42:14

Seriously? This is very sad, the way you seem to have conditioned yourself into thinking this is okay, he's not too bad, he's not done enough wrong to leave him...

CorsicaJane Sat 16-Mar-13 08:42:47

ohhh I know your all so right, I know he's treating me like shit and I do know I could do better.I don't know if I'm ready to give it all up but I don't know why I feel like that? I don't know whether to sit down with him tomorrow when he's not hungover and tell him if he puts his happiness above mine or our DD's again then I'm walking. his parents bought our house and we're renting it, to be honest they know what a pain he is and would make him leave but I would feel like he always has the chance to come back, its close to his parents house.

I think he knows how much I do for him and he knows he should appreciate it and he doesn't, I'm always wondering how he can make me feel like this is he loves me. I always always put him first (except with DD) because I want him to be happy, he wonders why I'm moody with him all the time but how can I not be?

I'm 21 and my life is in a rut. He is selfish, arrogant, sexist, spiteful etc etc. And I actually can't think of anything nice he's done specially for me since we had DD. We never go out alone we have to go in to town with everyone and get drunk. This is nice sometimes to have a laugh but I would be happy with cinema and dinner but he doesn't have the money for that - but has money for stag do's abroad?!

Manticlimatic - we know a lot of people in town because its inbetween both our secondary school, if he did do anything there it would be risky to say the least! But if MyHeadWasInTheSandNowNot is right then he could be and people are covering for him!

he managed to find money to get a taxi home funnily enough. He went straight to bed, tried to get me to give him a cuddle which I said no to, then said he was horny! I just said there was no way I was touching that! I don't know where its been! I'm just going to leave him alone today, and just guilt trip him, there's no point talking to him like this it won't go in.

I have so much family support from both sides so I could do it. I just don't want to sad all I want is him to put me before his friends. Its not a lot to ask is it? Rrrr! I'm getting upset and I don't want to be!

CorsicaJane Sat 16-Mar-13 08:50:42

FutTheShuckUp - I do think he's done enough, I just can't bring myself to do it. I don't even know when I lost all my self respect! I always used to be the agony aunt friend who gave advice on leaving shitty boyfriends at school and look what I ended up with. I love my friends iv made through him and with him as a couple, I love his family, I love that I can be a SAHM. I have a really nice life, and he's ruining it

DrHolmes Sat 16-Mar-13 08:54:06

It sounds like he took some drugs last night. Not coming home, all his money spent, the 2 hours "sleep" but probably just taking lines of coke, the coming home and being horny. All the soldiers are lining up.
My ex was like this. Note: EX.

Good luck

BertieBotts Sat 16-Mar-13 08:57:53

It wouldn't bother me at all if dp stayed at a female friend's house, what would bother me is the lying, and also the fact you know for a fact he could have come home easily. That is what would be bothering me if I was in your shoes, although the fact he got off with other girls early in your relationship isn't a good sign either.

I agree with you that if he wanted to grow up, he would do. You have, after all. I do also agree with others though that if he hasn't done that by himself by now you don't have a hope in changing him. And it makes me feel angry to think of yet another young father who doesn't step up and the mother ends up being left with all of the responsibility. And society's answer to this? Oh, men take longer to mature, it isn't his fault. hmm fucking pathetic.

Kyrptonite Sat 16-Mar-13 09:00:26

I've been where you are OP and nothing will change. If he can't put his daughter before going out drinking/shagging/drug taking or whatever he was up to then he won't ever put you first.

You have support. You can do this but please make it on your terms before he ruins every last bit of your self respect and confidence.

sweetheart get yourself tested for STDs

do you have a close agony aunt friend/family member who could support you in RL?

cees Sat 16-Mar-13 09:04:25

He is not likely to wise up when all your going to do is sulk/guilt him for the day, he probably won't care enough to notice. You and your dd can do better then this, she doesn't need to grow up thinking that men can treat women like shit and get away with it.

kalidanger Sat 16-Mar-13 09:05:54

Another friend we go out with a lot text me to ask if he was home yet

Is this a usual thing to happen? Had your friend seen him out and, probably possibly chatting up someone else (your old friend, where he ended up) and was concerned for you when she (?) saw him leaving with someone else?

And the two hours thing seems like just enough time to get his end away then decide he wants to be home in his warm bed sad

Emilythornesbff Sat 16-Mar-13 09:06:06

Don't beat yourself up for not wanting to end things.
Don't we all want to have a great relationship and a happy family with the father of our dcs?
Trouble is, some men are arseholes and we're better off without them.
You would probably be better (IMHO) renting a different property if you are going to consider breaking up. Renting from his parents will cause you problems in the long run. They may see what he's like but he is still their son and it will be harder to get rid if you're there.
You're young with a supportive family and a lovely little girl. You can do better than this. I can't say LTB because really, it's none of my business is it, but it might be worth taking stock and looking to the real supportive relationships in your life so you can disengage a bit from him.

Oh and btw. YANBU. wink

Emilythornesbff Sat 16-Mar-13 09:08:11

Oh, and i agree with others about the drug thing. Don't know if you're ok with that or not but looks very likely from your op scenario.

CorsicaJane Sat 16-Mar-13 09:10:37

I have 2 sisters and my mum who I'm really close with, iv just text my sister to show him rthe thread. I know he's an arsehole but I honestly didn't realise how bad he was, and it just makes me realise how much better my life couled be, even just me and DD.

Bertie Botts - I wouldn't have minded him staying at his friends house's it would have been annoying but ok. If girls I knew and were my friends too it wouldn't be a problem, it was my friends he stayed at, with a female flatmate who had a bad reputation at school he's never met before and he never socialises with my friend. Only see's her in passing or at our DD's birthday parties. That's why I think it was completely unnecessary.

I think next step is ultimatum and maybe try save some emergency money up, and be prepared for it and ready to walk out. I know I could walk out now and I duno if I'm been conditioned or just broken but I don't know if I can leave without that chance

TheCatIsUpTheDuff Sat 16-Mar-13 09:12:35

I wouldn't leap to the conclusion of drugs unless they're a regular feature; it's easy for a young person to keep going all night on booze and excitement - I've done it myself many time, and I'm no longer young.

Similarly the shagging. He got pissed with, and stayed at the home of, a friend. OK, more your friend than his, but still someone he knows. He'd have to be a proper arsehole to shag your friend, and so would she. Equally if he'd tried it with the flatmate, she would have to be an arsehole to put her friend in such an awkward position. Sometimes arseholes meet and shag, but more often than not, people meet, get pissed and sleep.

The worst thing he's done here is wanting a lift home first thing. You knew where he was and who he was with - OK, the friend told you and not him (making it less likely that she's shagged him or her flatmate has), but you knew, so he wouldn't see the point in telling you twice.

If he's otherwise a twat, leave him, but this doesn't come near the threshold.

CorsicaJane Sat 16-Mar-13 09:17:27

kalidanger - yes we always go out with him, we're both close friends but his loyalties are with DP, there usually together all night which is why I rang DP when he text me that. And yes I think your completely right that he was concerned for me.

I don't think its drugs AFAIK he has never done more then weed and he has told me before he would be scared to do coke (which all his friends do - I had asked him why he'd never tried it) because of our DD, its expensive and he doesn't want to be addicted or anything. I have always believed him on this and our friend has said to me before that when he was very drunk he asked to try a line and our friend said don't be silly. He may have chose last night to try but my 'friend' whose flat he stayed ay is very against it from past experience.

CorsicaJane Sat 16-Mar-13 09:17:28

kalidanger - yes we always go out with him, we're both close friends but his loyalties are with DP, there usually together all night which is why I rang DP when he text me that. And yes I think your completely right that he was concerned for me.

I don't think its drugs AFAIK he has never done more then weed and he has told me before he would be scared to do coke (which all his friends do - I had asked him why he'd never tried it) because of our DD, its expensive and he doesn't want to be addicted or anything. I have always believed him on this and our friend has said to me before that when he was very drunk he asked to try a line and our friend said don't be silly. He may have chose last night to try but my 'friend' whose flat he stayed ay is very against it from past experience.

FutTheShuckUp Sat 16-Mar-13 09:18:49

I think its gone past ultimatums tbh, he sounds like he doesnt give two shits and has been taking the piss out of you for ages. Just insist on a trial seperation. You will soon see if he can change enough to ever make it work.

FutTheShuckUp Sat 16-Mar-13 09:19:58

Wow Cat- I feel sorry for you if this kind of shit is considered small fry in your relationship

bleedingheart Sat 16-Mar-13 09:26:41

I'm sorry but I thought the same as Kalidanger. Your friend text you to ask if he was home as a way of alerting you to the fact he was up to no good.
Just because people know you both doesn't mean they would tell you if they knew he was cheating. People keep out of it a lot.

I'm sorry because you sound like a level-headed, loving mum.

kalidanger Sat 16-Mar-13 09:27:22

And yes I think your completely right that he was concerned for me.

I think it's a big red flag that his loyal mate was concerned enough to contact you sad Does said mate have a DP you're close to? Just as someone to chat to and possibly investigate what's going on? Because something's going on...

CorsicaJane Sat 16-Mar-13 09:29:31

TheCatIsUpTheDuff - I wasn't worried about cheating to be honest, that was just a little nag in the back of my head. It was more the choosing to stay with people he doesn't really know instead of coming home, after lying about going to see his best mate he hasn't seen for ages. He had said he was coming home 10 mins before the text from my friend. Initially I was just annoyed, then my friend was texting me saying don't worry he's jus watching TV and going to sleep - wtf couldn't he have gone home to do that? I don't understand why he went there, what did he think or get out of it?

FutTheShuckUp- I think a trial separation is a great idea if only for a week. But of course the problem is I shouldn't have to do that every 4 months or so. But maybe for me it would be a step forward for me.

Oh and the challenge thing - I met him at 16 and we we're inseparable, fell in love, fell pregnant and it was never a challenge to change him, you just expect people to grow up don't you. I like him when we're out together and I don't mind him going out with his friends, its things like this and choosing not to come home that spoil it.

He has done lots of horrible things though, as listed at the beginning and they are just the big things I think are appalling, there are not so big ones in between!

kalidanger Sat 16-Mar-13 09:30:48

I'm sorry because you sound like a level-headed, loving mum.

I agree with this smile Seems like you're nice, he's not and it's so so so hard to accept that and so so confusing.

thanks

MadamFolly Sat 16-Mar-13 09:36:09

I think its time to LTB and I think you know that.

CorsicaJane Sat 16-Mar-13 09:39:50

kalidanger - no he doesn't, he's single. Very lovely and will tell me what a rubbish partner he is but will then text him saying oh she went out yesterday its your turn! (It doesn't happen often that I go out without him - on this occasion it was a girls night, he had to go out the night after!) So I know he wouldn't tell me but I do think he saw DP outside the club with 2 girls he doesn't know and wanted to alert me. I thought it as soon as he text.

DrHolmes Sat 16-Mar-13 09:40:49

So have you asked him why he lied about who he was out with?

CorsicaJane Sat 16-Mar-13 09:50:33

DrHolmes-I asked if he even saw his old friend he went out to meet, he said yes they were together for a couple of hours then he met up with the lads from our friendship group and then ended up in my mates flat! I would actually be grateful if she'd given him a place to crash but he didn't seem that drunk! And he could afford to get home. I feel like he's tricked me in to a night out. I know he hasn't seen his old friend for ages and he will one day be DDs godfather. But he was out for 12 hours - and saw him for 2. The whole night has just broken my night, a lot of lying, covering his back. We went out together last saturday. He's going on a stag do next month for a weekend abroad. I don't think he should feel the need to lie to go out!

CorsicaJane Sat 16-Mar-13 09:50:33

DrHolmes-I asked if he even saw his old friend he went out to meet, he said yes they were together for a couple of hours then he met up with the lads from our friendship group and then ended up in my mates flat! I would actually be grateful if she'd given him a place to crash but he didn't seem that drunk! And he could afford to get home. I feel like he's tricked me in to a night out. I know he hasn't seen his old friend for ages and he will one day be DDs godfather. But he was out for 12 hours - and saw him for 2. The whole night has just broken my night, a lot of lying, covering his back. We went out together last saturday. He's going on a stag do next month for a weekend abroad. I don't think he should feel the need to lie to go out!

DrHolmes Sat 16-Mar-13 09:59:49

It does seem strange and I don't think he will change.

You just have to decide if you are going to put up with him or leave. I know leaving is hard and you love him but is this really what you want for yourself and your little one? There will be more sleepless/crying nights and all for what? A guy that doesn't actually care very much.

Believe me, I know it's a horrible feeling. Just know you will be ok!

SirBoobAlot Sat 16-Mar-13 10:06:17

He sounds like a useless bastard who does not give a damn about either of you.

I'm 21, know it's tough being a young mum, because at the back of your mind you feel you have to still be in a relationship with the father of your child because of everything that goes with the stigma of being a young, single mum. But trust me when I say that you're better off single than with this prick.

You don't need this. And what example is it setting for your daughter in the future? What is it showing her about how to be treated by men?

He's not going to change, and things will not get better. Don't spend the rest of your life wasting it on this arsehole.

CorsicaJane Sat 16-Mar-13 10:09:10

Thank you DrHolmes, and thank you everbody for reading and replying. Its very confusing because what I didn't think was that bad is actually very bad and I could do a lot more with my life. I don't want 50+ years of us not coming first. Fighting just to see him. I don't think I can leave him now and I know I am prolonging hurt because no doubt he will do something and I will then leave.

Think I might stay at my parents or sisters for a couple of days for head space. I don't want him to make me feel its ok to feel like this ALL the time! And see where it goes from there I guess. I don't want to let him get away with it.

Thank you so much for the support and lovely messages about me it has made me feel better about myself. Iv been hovering for a year and this is my first post! Usually I know right! And it seems yet again I was!

kalidanger Sat 16-Mar-13 10:15:48

Good luck x SirBoob sounds like she know what she's on about thanks for you.

CorsicaJane Sat 16-Mar-13 10:31:31

Yes SirBoob - totally agree about the young mum thing, you always feel you have to proove yourself!

I tell him all the time how would you feel if DD was treated like this? How can u teach her this.

I think all 3 of us would be happier if me and DP were apart - he can do what he wants, DD will have more stability and I can have a proper life!

CorsicaJane Sat 16-Mar-13 10:31:31

Yes SirBoob - totally agree about the young mum thing, you always feel you have to proove yourself!

I tell him all the time how would you feel if DD was treated like this? How can u teach her this.

I think all 3 of us would be happier if me and DP were apart - he can do what he wants, DD will have more stability and I can have a proper life!

mrssmartarse Sat 16-Mar-13 10:41:55

Corsica this is like reading a thread from myself 5 years ago shock

How will u feel when Dd is treated like this by her Dp, you are teaching her this behaviour is acceptable and normal hmm

Trial separations are great if you think it'll be the boot up the bum he needs, one week won't do that hunny, tbh I think you should give him at least a month to see if he'll make an effort?

From experience I'm guaranteeing u, it'll hurt like hell when u first split but you will be much better off without him!

And if all else fails stick some immac in his shampoo and see if he still wants to go out with no hair grin

Xxx

I had a trial separation from my "childhood sweetheart" at 20, I found that it showed me that I could actually exist as a single person, having gone from living with my parents to living with him.
We broke up permanently a week after unseperating.

Hope that a trial separation shows you how great life can be without this arse and give you the confidence to end it completely smile

One thing though, do you have proper legal paperwork re renting from his parents? If you do break up and they kick him out and say you can stay, you'll meed to sort this asap!!

HerrenaHarridan Sat 16-Mar-13 10:52:58

Tbh Corsica, I think you'd be better off without him but you are clearly not in that place yet so I won't waste my time trying to persuade you.

Well done for not picking him up, please stick with that.

You are strong and you need to draw some lines in your head and say to yourself rhis far an no further.

Please remember that your child will be growing up with the idea that this is how people treat each other so make sure you are having the kind of relationship you would like them to be having in 20 years!

Your bf does sound very young to me (emotionally, chronological age is irrelevant)
You said you know other young fathers who are very responsible, could you talk the them about what brought fatherhood home to them?

Does he look after dc by himself?

Raum Sat 16-Mar-13 11:04:36

As a guy I personally think he was hoping to get lucky with your mate as she or her flat mate would be unlikely to tell you. Probably stupid drunken behaviour but he needs to grow up, suggest not picking him up and expecting an apology. If none is freely offered I'd be showing him the door. Sorry but he's a pretty shit partner.

Airwalk79 Sat 16-Mar-13 11:22:06

I used to be you... My ex had a lovely friend. He is now my lovely husband, and ex now has a new girlfriend/ mug to treat like shit. My and my child's life are a whole world away from anything he could ever have provided for us.
Get yourself some space to think. Your better off on your own than with a idiot! At least then you know your going it alone instead of being under some misguided illusion that your part of a team!
Good luck!

HerrenaHarridan Sat 16-Mar-13 13:44:48

Fair play raum! ( he probably spot on)

When you think about it, one little thing doesn't seem like much to end a relationship on. But neither does getting hit with a rain drop, however Chinese water torture will drive you mad one drop at a time. He's drip drip drip dripping his was into being single again.

CorsicaJane Sat 16-Mar-13 16:46:26

Thanks everyone.
HerrenaHarridan - yes he does have DD on his own, no problems there, he wasn't very hands on when she was small but they have got a lot closer the bigger she's got!

Ok so we talked, he was in bed and I went up and asked why he had gone there, explained that I felt insecure because of his put downs, his past cheating, his bigging himself up and his trying to make me feel not as good as him. It was not necessary for him to go there and made me feel insecure. He said he understands why I'm upset, he's sorry and he didn't realise how insecure I was. He kept saying iv said sorry about it but I wanted to talk about everything, I said I'm not living my life like this, being upset everytime he goes out, being put 2nd. I didn't shout once. My voice wobbled a lot.

He just said he doesn't mean to make me feel like this and he doesn't want me to be so unhappy so he will try to 'change' - I don't want him to change, jus consider that his plans will always effect me and DD and understand he needs to be more family orientated now!

I told him if he put his happiness before ours again we would have a trial separation. If it happened again after that a permanent separation. He then asked for a cuddle and I said I just wasn't ready to do that yet. And left him to it.

So now only time will tell. It may sound like a cop out but its the first time I havnt picked him up, havnt cuddled him and have got my points across without arguing or being interrupted.

I hope I'm not taken for a mug even more than I am now! And I hope things do get better.

Hopasholic Sat 16-Mar-13 16:59:56

Well done! It's in his hands now so time will tell. Glad you managed to get through to him without getting upset, let's hope he takes you seriously flowers

armagh Sat 16-Mar-13 17:13:28

I think the friend who texted you to see if your partner was 'home yet' was trying to tell you something.....probably that he was with another girl.

Euphemia Sat 16-Mar-13 17:17:07

Go you! Well done, you strong woman, you! smile

CorsicaJane Sat 16-Mar-13 17:31:10

Armagh - yea I think he was. He doesn't know my friend because she's from school, we havnt socialised with her before so to him he was talking to strangers. He said he was embarrassed I had accused him of cheating - I said I was embarrassed all our friends had seen him leave a club with 2 girls! He tried making out I was being silly but because of this thread I knew I was right and didn't and havnt backed down on it.

What's done is done and I'm moving on and making it better!

MarcelineTheVampireQueen Sat 16-Mar-13 17:42:04

I would get in touch with the friend that texted you and ask her what she knows.

Coconutty Sat 16-Mar-13 18:29:52

What Marceline said.

kalidanger Sat 16-Mar-13 20:48:02

Oh, I didn't realise he didn't know your friend and her flatmate at at all shock I think I assumed he'd bumped into people he very vaguely knew through you. Oh dear.

Good luck OP And do come back on here if you need to in the future. There's very few "I told you so's" about grin

HerrenaHarridan Sat 16-Mar-13 21:20:29

Well done Corsica, beautifully handled!

I hope for everyone's sake it gets through. Like pp said if it doesn't we'll still be here.

Fwiw I put up with a lot more than I should from ex because I wanted to be 100% certain I had done EVERYTHING within my power to make it work. It didn't but I know I really tried.
I sincerely hope that it does for you smile

Reason I asked about taking dd on his own is that often men don't/won't and can be helpful in making them FEEL responsible and trustworthy. Unfortunately some women make their partners feel too stupid/ clumsy/ irresponsible etc to look after the baby and this can really hamper the development of the fathers natural instincts. So I was gently trying to gauge if this was applicable smile

CorsicaJane Sun 17-Mar-13 08:53:45

Marceline - the friend that text me is a male friend of DPs, I have met him through DP and I am good friends with him and I may make a small remark and ask what he thought when I see him on saturday - to be honest I don't think anything happened. I never thought it would, I agree with Raum that he thought something might! He won't admit this though. He said as they live at a pub they'd go back and continue, but they don't own it and just went to the flat they live in upstairs. I do trust my friend, not her flatmate who has a bad reputation and my DP who could have been inappropriate.

Kalidanger - he vaguely knows my 'best school friend' to say hi to and maybe have a polite chat. Definitely not enough to stay at her house without me! I made an example of if I did it to one of his close friends and if he lived with a man I had never met and he seemed to realise how inappropriate it was.

HerrenaHarridan - thank you smile - I always feel I have the main responsibility for her but in the last year he's much more hands on, he doesn't have full days on his own with her because we like doing things together, but he does small things like takes her saturday morning to his parents house for brekkie and takes her in the field to see the sheep after work and after this thread iv decided to get a part time job so I have some space away from both DP and DD to be myself and to not rely so much on DP for money.

teamboleyn Sun 17-Mar-13 10:37:42

If he doesn't want to be accused of cheating he shouldn't be acting as if he is.

ImTooHecsyForYourParty Sun 17-Mar-13 12:09:14

Is it possible he tried it on with your friend's flatmate and your friend texted you to in some way try to alert you to it so that you would know where he was and would contact him, so that nothing would happen with him and her flatmate?

CorsicaJane Mon 18-Mar-13 22:37:12

ImTooHecsyForYourParty - sorry for the late reply! I don't know, I don't think she would have let him stay if she thought that was happening, or I would hope not, we grew up together and have always been close. Just don't see each other a lot because of life getting in the way. She only sees DP in passing when she's at mine.

I'm not having anymore shit like this being pulled and he knows it. I'm going to change my reaction so I won't put up with it and he'll either have to change to keep me happy or do one!

CorsicaJane Mon 18-Mar-13 22:37:12

ImTooHecsyForYourParty - sorry for the late reply! I don't know, I don't think she would have let him stay if she thought that was happening, or I would hope not, we grew up together and have always been close. Just don't see each other a lot because of life getting in the way. She only sees DP in passing when she's at mine.

I'm not having anymore shit like this being pulled and he knows it. I'm going to change my reaction so I won't put up with it and he'll either have to change to keep me happy or do one!

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