To not want PIL to stay even though they have nowhere else to go?(1000 Posts)
PIL are having some work done on their house. Loads actually, it's a complete renovation and DH and I are overseeing it for them.
It was supposed to start last month and be finished by June but due to delays and adding a few extra things on its not not supposed to finish until mid to late July.
I'm due June 25th but will be having a C Section at either 38/39 weeks... I already have a 2 year old DD and to top it all off am moving house around the 3rd June.
PIL have been told that they should be out of the house for the whole of June until the work is complete. Before that they can stay and builders will work around them. They were going to stay with BIL & SIL but just learned that they will have her mother over (good timing!!) for practically the whole month and don't have the room, but we have a spare room, and after we move will have 2 spare rooms... So PIL have just assumed they're coming to us.
My DH is out of the house from 7-7, and PIL are in ALL day. I don't think I want them there when I am really heavily pregnant and just wanting to sleep in front of the tv with DD, enjoy seeing friends and not be a hostess. I also think it will be absolutely awful to have them in the house when I'm just home from a c section... My DH is planning 2 weeks paternity and 2 weeks working from home and it was a month I've been so looking forward to.
DH thinks I'm being unreasonable. He thinks they'll love being here and can look after the baby / DD for me... But I just don't want that. Even though they made a joke to DH that it's stay with us or in a box somewhere
Sorry but I thin YAb (a bit) U.
Would you feel differently if it were your DP's?
Do you like you ILs?
No you are not!!
I'm totally flabbergasted at how you can get out if it though.
I do know from experience that you must stick to your guns though.
I can totally understand your feelings but if you have a good relationship with them then this is likely to be one of those things that family have to do for one another. I suppose I would look at it from another perspective. If you were in their shoes, would you be happy if they were unwilling to accommodate you. If you would be fine with this then ok say no to them. But I suspect you would expect your pil to help you if roles were reversed.
Could you make the spare rooms intoa little bedsit and explain that you wil be needing some space to bond feed and see your own friends and family. Get your midwife on board.
Won't they help you?
Just set some clear boundaries at the start about expectations.
Yanbu for not wanting them there, I didn't want anyone there in my last pg days, or after! But I think you have no choice here sadly, if there's genuinely nowhere else for them to go....
Do they help or will they expect hospitality when you are recovering from major surgery?
YANBU to not want to have them to stay, I think it would be a bit unreasonable to refuse to let them stay though, unless they are truly horrible people? I feel for you though, it sounds like their timing is appalling! I take it they are committed to having the work done at that time? If they could put it off a month I would imagine it would make life an awful lot easier!
Do not allow this to happen. Resentment incurred when a baby is born can never be erased. And you will resent this.
No, no and thrice no.
Tricky. Your spare room seems like the practical solution, but I agree that having them in the house after your CS and bringing a new baby home is not ideal. Can you find a compromise? Tell DH you are willing to have them stay up until the baby is born, but then you must have some space of your own. If BIL has space then (might SIL's mum have gone by then?), parents can stay there, or perhaps you could look for some local short term apartment rentals? Also, what happens if the building work runs into problems? They may need to be out of their house for longer than anticipated.
YANBU to want some time without guests, and DH should support you.
Having had a major renovation / extension I wish I had moved out for the duration - it was awful and I worked full time at the time, so if your PIL are used to being at home all day it could be much worse for them. A neighbour of ours hired / bought a caravan which the family lived in whilst their house had a major re-build. Could this be a possible way forward ? The caravan could be in their garden so they could keep an eye of progress but not be living in dusty chaos.
YANBU to want your own space with the lead-up to DC3 and especially not after
I was going to say YABU until I realised you were due a baby.
It all depends on what they're like? Would they expect you to run after them?
yama totally agree
I'm still fuming
Yes op can they change the date slightly?
If not can they at least stay in b and B for the week after your section?
That would be a reasonable enough request.
they might help you and if they are staying they wont expect running after the same as when they are visiting put a tv in a bedroom for them and perhaps they will stay in there for their own privacy too
, do your own thing tell them to help themselves to the kitchen and whatever make it clear they are staying and not visiting , do your own thing and leave them to it you don't or shouldn't need to 'host' , and they dont really have anywhere else to go, I think you are stuck with them but it might be fine, as somebody else said set boundaries right away
I am due in 3 weeks and wouldnt even want my best mate staying for that long.
OH I dont think yabu to not want them there I wouldn't either
It sounds absolutely dreadful. Of course you want your own space just before and after a new baby.
Pil need to make alternative arrangements.
Postpone the final stage of the renovations so they can stay with BIL? Or a B n B for the majority of the time, but It's likely that they would be round at yours throughout the daytimes.
Hope you get it sorted op
YANBU, but if its gonna happen set up a list of rules,
1) OP isnt playing host
2) Make your own food
3) Clean up after yourself
4) Dont disturb OP
5) Help OP with 2 yr old
6) Give OP Privacy
7) If OP says no, then she means no
I wouldnt wanna have to play host and clean, after a section and wanting to bond with my newborn. Get those rules in.
YANBU to not want it, but it is going to be hard to avoid..
Can the house/new house be arranged so that they have their own rooms - not just bedroom, but a kind of private sitting room?
When I stayed with my inlaws (who really are wonderful - but it's always hard sharing a house), my MIL made sure that we had a couple of rooms so if we wanted to watch TV in the evenings DP and I could do that alone (while DS was asleep in our bedroom)
You say you're overseeing it for them. If that means project managing then you would be a bit U to refuse as that means dates / where your PIL will be is partly down to you.
If it's their responsibility then YANBU.
Either way YANBU to not want them there but I can't see a way out for you... <sympathies>
what an awkward situation! I dont think i would want my PIL there just after i have had my baby either, you want that time with just your new baby and you DH. Maybe it would be worth talking to them about how you feel? setting some boundaries? its something that could affect your relationship in the future so think carefully. maybe they wont need to be there that long? and maybe they will be able to help occupy DD or take them out when you have just had the baby?
FIL will sit and do nothing and expect breakfast, lunch & dinner with tea at regular intervals. He'll expect sky sports on and any noise will make him frustrated that he can't hear the tv. He is a grumpy type and that's how he's always been, but I get on with him fine in small doses.
MIL will probably over help, and this is what I'm more worried about. She will be all over DH about making him his favourite dinners and giving him a 'break'. She has already talked about taking DD and the baby ("my new baby!" actual quote!) for walks and around the shops and to meet her friends and I told DH I didn't want this and he just says 'oh she's just excited, it won't be like that.'
But I know it will. When we go to see them we sit in front of sky's sports news and I can't wait to leave.
They also are not pet people and hate my dog. When they come over I have to put him behind the gate in the kitchen or outside and I hate it. He's been my baby for 6 years and he doesn't understand being shut away.
Would they let you stay with them if the situation was the other way around? I bet they would . Have they helped you in the past?
I think you may be being a little U, but it is impossible to say without knowing all the people involved.
[Hmm] It would be amazing to have someone around to help with the chores and looking after your DD. they could watch her while you are in hospital. It might be lovely for your DD. You could ask them to take your DD to the park etc.
If you have two spare bedrooms it would seem a bit mean not to let them use one. Perhaps you could set up a TV in your bedroom so you can have your own space in the daytime.
We lived abroad and had InLaws visiting for extended periods. It was a bit but I put up with it nicely for my DH's sake. It would have been unfair and petty not o want his parents but want my parents to come and stay.
If you did agree to it I think it would be perfectly OK to say that you have some reservations.
Arrange for BIL and SIL to invite them over for a day a week so you know you get a day free at least.
What SIL and BIL did was not on. They had arranged for your PIL to stay with them and then put them off for other DM so you are saddled at the most impossible time for you.
I have no advice but am disgusted with them.
God no not by. Rent ffs. Go on hols for couple weeks (them not u).
Unfortunately, it's almost impossible to say whether YABU because it could turn out to be the best thing ever. They could be the most helpful, easy house guests, who prepare meals, make you cups of tea and go out for the evening to leave you and your DH to bond with the DCs.
Or, having them to stay could make your life hell in any number of ways.
I agree a compromise would be good, such as having them to stay until the baby comes, then going somewhere else. They might even want to, if the baby keeps them up all night!
No, no, no
What of people think it is OK to impose themselves on a you g family at a time like this?
They are making themselves homeless at a time when you have too much on - new baby, house move - to out them up.
Let them have it out with their daughter that has suddenly decided she can't have them.
Or they can go on holidays at that time.
Or stay in a hotel.
Landing on top of you when your baby is due is far from their only option here and it is very unfair of them to pretend it is.
chunkypickle (fab name btw) idea is good could you set up the other spare room for them as well as the bedroom a temp sittingroom or even for yourself
Ohh, cross posted with OP. My post may have been over optimistic
They sound a bit of a nightmare after all
HermionE - under the original plan with the builder they would have been back in their own house by June, but pushed it all of their own accord and wanted to add some landscaping and rebuilding the steps at the front of the house and a conservatory. That's what's made it all different.
And my parents will be upset and feel left out, which bothers me too. But u wouldn't want them either... I don't want anyone. I had visions of a blissful month long bubble with DH and my two girls
Yes, Ledkr - just reading about this situation is making me rather angry.
CuriousGeorgie - you are important too you know. And post c section you will not want this stress. In fact, even having to consider it is a stress you should not be put under.
Digerd - me too. I was in tears last night when BIL phoned.
I think judging by your last post you would need to be very clear what it would be like for them. This might be enough to put them off. Given your list I admit it sounds horrendous. I think really though it perhaps should have been vetoed immediately with something like 'oh no I can't believe X can't have you to stay, what will you do? We would of course have had you but that will be impossible with the new baby and house move'. I think it will be v hard to extricate yourself now. Are they well off enough to rent a holiday cottage or flat or something?
Could you put the sky sports TV in the spare bedroom? You could use the terrestrial channels on the main TV. That would get FIL out the way for some of the time.
They need to book themselves a nice holiday rental for a month. With Sky Sports.
YANBU but I can't see how you can say no without causing problems.
Put forward the caravan idea or try to get them to go away for a holiday for at least some of the time.
As others have said. If they do come, set strong boundaries.
I don't think there is anything wrong with saying to them that of course they can stay if they absolutely have to, but the timing is appalling and you'd really rather they found alternative arrangements if at all possible.
they can't stay with you.
can your dh phone his brother and ask if his mil can delay her visit? explain that it's impossible to have your pil over because you just have too much to deal with.
i think anyone with a bit of sensitivity would understand your situation.
failing which i think your pil will have to work something out themselves. go stay with family in other parts of the country or just fuck off in a camper van.
they will be hurt but i think if you can offer something like a holiday away together at the end of the year or some peace offering like that they will feel less unappreciated.
bloody difficult one!!!
Are there holiday lets in your area, why don't you find one and suggest it o your DH. It might not be very expensive if it is just a one bedroom one.
Didn't even think about your parents, OP. Normally it's possible to keep them apart when the new baby comes so they can each have their own time, but with them actually living with you, this will be impossible.
YA definitely not BU.
Could you show DH these posts if he doesn't agree?
The fact they are adding landscaping and steps to the building project would indicate to me that they have spare cash to rent for a month...
To those who suggest it will be ok a d they can help themselves etc etc. can I speak from experience.
If you want to make a quick drink or snack are you honestly saying you would just do it in front of them cos I couldn't.
If you need to sit on the loo for hours trying to pooh would you like the door being tried occasionally by pil trying to get in.
When you use the downstairs loo do you want to carry your sanitary towel bagged up past them?
If you leak milk or bleed onto your pjs do you want fil watching?
If you want skin to skin whilst watching too gear do you want to go up to bed to do it?
Do you want to sit bolt upright on the sofa rather than lie down?
Do you want to sit with dh and other dc gazing at new baby and cooing without mil interjecting every five minutes?
It's just not appropriate and I'm always shocked that people think its ok to stay with a new mother so soon.
I'd move heaven and earth not to impose on my dd after birth.
YANBU in the slightest! I agree with yama resentment is likely to ensue. I would hate to have any houseguests at such a personal time. You need to be able to focus on yourself, your family and bonding with your new baby. It might be inconvenient for your pil but they will have to make alternative arrangements.
shudders at thought of own pil staying while heavily pregnant
Tbh I would be putting this back to bil and sil seeing as they ballsed up the plans in the first place.
I really think this is going to have a massive negative impact on you
I don't think there's anything wrong with saying "no, sorry, obviously we can't accommodate guests for a month when our baby is due. What a shame SIL has let you down."
They chose this. It is their (easily solved) problem to deal with.
They'll have no problem at all renting a lovely holiday cottage for June, which is outside peak time.
I think you just have to be assertive and say that obviously you have far too much on at that time to have them stay with you for a whole month!
If they can afford to have their entire house renovated, having a 3 or 4 week holiday in a cottage is surely affordable!
I would do anything to avoid this. I would hate it but put up with it in normal circumstances. But when heavily pregnant and with a newborn? No bloody way.
Why have DIL and SIL suddenly realised her mother is coming? Did they ever intend to have your ILs?
What you have said about how they are likely to behave makes me even more worried for them. Can't they hire a caravan? It is summer!
YANBU. Your in laws sound very similar to mine and there is no way I would have them to stay around the birth of a baby.
I still harbour resentment from when dd was born, they totally ruined what should have been a lovely time (dh didn't help either).
Some good suggestions above - can they not go away for a few weeks? Or can SIL/BIL rearrange the visit from DM?
Stick to your guns!
You need to get your DH on board here - it is not him that will be putting up with them for the first month, it is not him that will be heavily pregnant with houseguests, it is not him that will be recovering from major surgery and learning to breastfeed a new baby.
Ands that's my response just from reading your OP.
Like other posters I just can't imagine what goes on in someone's mind if they think it's ok to lumber a family with their presence for an entire month, even without everything you've got ahead of you.
Selfish or what?
I think they should go on holiday for at least the time after you have had the baby but probably for all of it.
Totally agree with ledkr.
Who in their right mind thinks its ok to impose for a month on someone who's just had a section.
OH i just read what they are like, urm I ont know what you can do suggest they go somewhere else or postpone the building work you might need to just to say no go elsewhere suggest a nice holiday
OK-what is "practically the whole month".
First of all-find out when they can be at BIL/SILs.
how long would you be at home & pregnant & how long would they be with you when your husband is on paternity leave?
Have you told him that if they stay he will have to cook, clean, wash & iron for all of you?
God NO way! Just say no sorry we can't accommodate you. You will never get those precious newborn days back an trust me
bitter experience mil will be bonding with baby not you!
I'd be pissed of with BIL and SIL and would be asking why her mother needs to be visiting at that time. Surely at times like this families pull together. Your BIL and SIL know your situation, so surely they should be putting your ILs up.
Seems to me that they have come up with a plan not to have them.
Can your husband not have a word with his brother?
I was ready to say YANU as I stayed with my in laws after my first c-section and found it a god send. However, having read the entire thread your in laws sound like way too much work and insensitive which is far from what you need after giving birth. Don't let them stay. YANBU.
It sounds like they can afford to rent somewhere short term so just tell them no and get your husband on board to support this decision. I think the whole thing is extremely cheeky you can't jus go and live at someone else's house without being invited, no matter who you are family or not!
Her mum is coming from abroad, we're all going to SIL (to be) wedding a few weeks after (bloody abroad!) and her mum is coming to help her out with wedding plans and this is very important and can't be moved
They won't stay in a cottage or anything as this is already costing them too much, apparently. ("what with renovations, new babes and weddings..!")
DH's best suggestion is that our dog stay with my parents and if it's too much I can go upstairs. All said in a nice way of course, like that's actually a solution!
Diddl - I'll be 9 months when they arrive, 2/3 weeks later I'll have my section, then they will be here for probably another month, coinciding with DH being home. They will leave the 2nd / 3rd week in July.
Shame on your dh then Georgie.
This is a farcical proposition that is going to leave a bitter taste and burning resentment for years to come.
Tell him I hope it's worth it.
You shouldn't have to arrange anything for PIL. You can't have them staying with you and your DH is responsible for dealing with his family's most unreasonable behaviour and support your interests over theirs.
If ground rules were set-would they stick to them?
If they had their own "sitting room"-would they stay there-or would your husband want them with him & "helping"?
I'm sure he wants to help them out-but if it's you doing all the accommodating, then it's not really on.
Does he realise how unhelpful they would be & that they would expect to be waited on?
Idea! Tell them that your midwife has told you very firmly that it's a bad idea, that for the sake of your recovery from surgery and bonding with the new baby, you need time without any guests. Then add that your health visitor agreed with her. And show them some brochures for holiday let cottages for rent.
If they say, 'oh we won't be any trouble, we'll help you with the baby' etc, then you reply with 'I know I'm sure you'd be happy to help - it's not you it's me - I would just find it too difficult not to be playing the hostess. We'd love you to come and visit for the afternoon when you're at your short-term rental house'.
Your husband is being a dick here and so are his parents.
This has to be your call.
You are the one who will be pregnant/having major surgery/having a new baby/establishing breastfeeding while they are planning to impose on you.
Just say no fucking way is this happening and they'll just have to revisit their decision to save money at your expense by refusing to pay for their own accommodation.
bloody hell. bloody hell.
i would be swearing.
it's not your problem. it's just not. your dh and pil have to find another solution. i'd seriously be putting my foot down. they'd better wrack their brains because this cannot seriously be put on you.
WHereabouts in the country are you? There are lots of companies that do reasonably priced short lets and it might be possible to do this?
Ooh, I've got it - if FIL is glued to Sky Sports all the time, then don't hook it up in the new house.
I'd get back on to BIL and make this his problem. As far as your PIL are concerned they are allowed to stay until you move house. Fine. You need to be firm about this though - you'll be nesting and wanting to make the new place your own, ready for the new baby. The last thing you'll want is a lazy FIl lounging about your house being a demanding grumpy old shit, and MIL mothering your DH doing everything for him, calling your newborn 'her baby' and ruining those really important few weeks.
Pull rank, blame those pregnancy hormones and make it absolutely clear that they are not welcome until baby is home and settled.
Is there really no one else-have they siblings of their own they could stay with?
yes - you can't be made to accommodate them because they don't want to fork out more money.
seriously - they can hire a caravan somewhere.
i'm so pissed off on your behalf i'll find them something. nearby their home but as far from yours as possible.
I think it is unreasonable, but again don't see any easy way out of it.
Can you beseech your BUL/SIL to change around their plans? Can you rent them a one bedroom apartment for the 6 weeks? I know it's a big expense, but might be worth it if it saves your family life from permanent difficulty.
(in our house it would go something like
DP: "Hamster - can MIL stay for a month while her house is being refurbed"
I'm furious on your behalf. Also amazed that your ils and Dh think this is an acceptable situation.
I don't know what the solution is but your Dh really needs to be on your side with this one. You are the one heavily pregnant and giving birth, he needs to putyour needs first.
Show him this thread.
Oh god - they've suggested you move the dog out of his own home. <watches thread explode>
I would put my foot down and say no, or go and stay with your parents, because i had a c section, and if i had to put up with lazy and over helpful PIL, i'd fucking scream.
and do not get me started on the dog thing, DH needs a good slapping for that one.
No way is this possible! You need to lose it a bit at dh for even thinking itll be ok! Other options, short term let, (have a look now in your area so you can present it as a viable option rather than an idea) or holiday for 2-3 weeks. Other options, would your parents help out if they have a spare room?
But do your research today then sit down with your dh tonight, say its not possible for them to stay at your house and here are the alternatives you've thought of, what other ideas does dh have and when will he talk to them? Don't let yourself be bullied into it, or let the plans slide, if an alternative plan isn't in place by April, you know it'll be "oh it's too late to sort anything do they are coming here"
It's seems obvious to me that your PIL will want you pandering to them.
No way, not at such a time.
I had a CS with my first. Despite being a quick healer, it was still about 3-4 weeks before I could stand up completely straight. I was pretty much undressed for the first couple of weeks while establishing bf, and there's no way I would want to find myself restricted to staying in the bedroom for a large part of the time; babies feed a lot sometimes.
And then there's the fact you will have an older child. She will need attantion too, and if your FIL hates noise while watching the sports, then your DD is going to find herself shushed for a large part of the time. This could easily lead her to think she's being naughty, or worse, resenting the baby because it'll all be happening around that time.
You can show your DH some of these posts, if he doesn't get it. While I appreciate his mum is excited, you are the one who'll have given birth, you are the one who'll be recovering from a CS, who will need the care and attention, you are the one who'll need space and privacy to establish bf, and all the other bits and pieces that go with looking after a newborn.
If my DP had even hinted at this, we would have been having a very firm one-sided conversation!
Excellent post by Ledkr. She has convinced me!
Correct me if I'm wrong.
You are moving house on 3 June.
You are having a C section some time between 11 June and 18 June.
How do you expect to have a month of lying around on the sofa while heavily pregnant? You will be packing things into boxes and taking stuff to the charity shop.
They want to stay with you in June, but you are moving in June?
You have already taken on too much. (Not criticising, it's the sort of thing I would do!)
Incidentally, their building work will run over schedule - they always do. So they will be with you for 6 to 8 weeks, not 4.
Speak to DH about this. He has his rosy tinted specs on. Give him the examples ledkr gives above.
Also, why does he think you would you want someone else to look after you new baby?
If your PIL are the type to look after you, and do all the cleaning, meal preparation, etc for the family, then maaaaaybee. If not, or even if you just don't know, then I would say they need to reschedule their building work to a time that suits you, if they need to stay at your house. Or rent somewhere.
this will not just be a month.
it's the whole of june, the whole of july and as we all know, building work takes longer than you expect. it's only march and it's already moved by a month.
they will be staying with you for months on end.
i actually agree with hitting it straight back into bil's court. you say - sorry - house move, major surgery, newborn, 2yo. far far far too much for you to deal with as it is.
i'm betting that bil and future sil are very smug having dodged that bullet.
and when bil and future sil find it hard with their pfb you can calmly remind them of what you had to deal with.
fuckers the lot of them.
OP, you need to explain to DH that it wont work. Dont be persuaded, if your gut feeling is no, then that's your answer.
You need to set a precedent here OP. If you let them (and dh) ride roughshod over your feelings now, you will never be able to put decent boundaries in place around you and your dc.
Stay calm, rational and pleasant, say NO and stick to it. If there is bad feeling, let dh and BIL/SIL absorb it. They're his parents!
There's no explaining, no asking and no bargaining here OP. Just an absolutely NO.
OP YANBU. This is a terrible proposition and may leave scars for years to come. Don't let it happen - put all the pressure you can on your DH and BiL to do something different.
I would say a categorical no to this, if I was in your shoes. You will be miserable with them there, at a time when you need to have your own space. it's all very well fro your dh, but he can bugger off to work. I think your feelings need to take priority here.
Your IL's chose to have all this work done - it's down to them to find somewhere to stay. if they can afford the work, they can afford to rent somewhere to live while it's being done. Don't let them make this your problem.
I'd offend whoever I needed to, in order to avoid having anyone stay when I'd just had a baby.
The breast feeding thing is a point. Nothing wrong with feeding in public at all obviously but I personally would feel a bit weird at having my baps out in front of my fil day in day out... That's just me tho
Your DH needs to understand you won't be wanting anyone to look after the baby. I don't think I know of any new mothers who were happy at being parted from their newborn, even if it was just for a short walk to the shops.
He needs to be putting your needs first. This is too much to ask on top of all your other stuff going on.
I can't quite believe all the people suggesting that having ILs you're not 100% comfortable with at the best of time staying could be ok when you've a newborn.
Yes, having someone to take DD to the park or out elsewhere or help with the odd meal would be nice. They don't need to be staying in your house to do that, and if they're decent/live close they'll do that anyway.
Depending on your experience the first few weeks can be a time when you want a hell of a lot of privacy - to weep hysterically about the fact your newborn's face has changed slightly and they are already growing up too fast, to deal with all the post-birth pain and mess and leaking, to sit wherever you like half-naked from the waist up trying to get feeding sorted and enjoying skin to skin, to survive on whatever food you've scavenged from the kitchen without worrying whether it qualifies as a meal, and to not have to converse with anyone except if you feel like it.
The cost of being out of home is part of the cost of doing home renovations. They've been let down by your BIL and SIL, so their budget has changed. Maybe this means they can't have the landscaping as they have to get a short-term rental instead. I'm struggling to have a great deal of sympathy for them, they sound fairly thick-skinned and self-centred.
TBH it sounds like your DH is the real sticking point. Maybe you should tell him that PILs are welcome to come to stay but DH will have to find a holiday let for you and the DCs for the duration and be responsible for all packing, logistics, etc.
Just say no, OP. Their business, not yours. Up to them to sort it out.
No, no, no, no, no....
never have i seen aibu so unanimous!!
If they could be trusted to piss off after I would probably offer them the first week.
When BIL/SIL said that they would have them-was this for different dates before the work overran, or just a general yes?
I have two lots of inlaws. One lovely and one 'other lot'. I read your post thinking yabu, imagining my lovely inlaws staying.... then read your description of your inlaws and realised they are like my 'other lot' and NO WAY would I accept this!
What are your parents like and where do they live in relation to you? Is there any chance of you and 2yo moving in there for a while? Escape the house move, escape the Inlaws, get looked after by your parents. Then DH have his parental leave when you move back home.
The dog can stay with your parents?
How about you and your DD stay with your parents if your DH insists on his parents living at yours?
Could you go and stay with your parents?
Any other relatives that could have them?
Could dh send them on holiday at his expense? There'll be lots of deals on in june.
Maybe they'll have to cut back on the extras so that they can rent somewhere/go away/stay in a caravan somewhere?
No fcuking way. Dh needs to grow a pair (pathetic the amount of grown men won't stand up for their wives) and tell them no. You guys can help them with the cost of a hotel or whatever, seeing as they are apparently on the breadline with the weddings and house renovations. You will be bleeding heavily, having minor accidents here and there and will want to wash clothes regularly, as well as bonding with your newborn. Your eldest may also feel pushed out with all the inevitable fussing and faffing over babies that some in laws do.
Any decent and compassionate human will understand that imposing on a heavily pregnant family member as well as being there after a c section is HIGHLY inappropriate and wrong. If they cannot get that through their thick skulls then frankly they aren't worth worrying about at all. ledkr has it absolutely spot on.
Ooo yes hire them a camper van and they can live on their drive.
My friend's dps had a house built and lived in a caravan in the garden for 2 years.
Tell your DH his PIL can stay but that you will be staying with your parents, along with the dog........
Show him this thread, he'll be just another bloke who doesn't get it. It took my midwife to explain to DP that I would not be able to clear out the junk room after a CS (lots of heavy stuff). He's a caring bloke, but simply hadn't understood the reality of a CS.
TBH a lot of people don't understand the reality of a CS, it's lumped in with the whole giving birth thing for some people. "It might be a CS, but she's only given birth so it can't be that bad, can it?" (Direct quote of one of mum's friends.)
OP-can your mum come to stay to help you so that there's no room??
Good idea to stay with her & let your husband sort the move if possible.
Although I don't see why OP should move out so that her ILs can move in.
Certainly doesn`'t solve the problem of time as just a family of 4!
no No no no no
You have a toddler, are expecting a newborn by CS, your DH works long hours, you have a dog, you're moving house, AND you're helping oversee your IL's renovations?!?! ENOUGH!
They can rent a caravan, stay in a B&B, ask your BIL to rearrange his plans, ask around at friends, do a million and one other things, but NOT expect to sit in your house and be waited on. End of.
I've been thinking more about this whilst washing up
I am so sad .
You have to say no.
If Dh tries to guilt trip you then point out that it is far worse for you than SIL/DB and they've managed to say no.
Tell him that its ok for him as it will hardly impact on him but that you be stressed to high heaven as it is, with the move and lack of sleep, and that it will impact greatly on you and it's not fair to expect you to do this. Tell him that you can't see it ending well and that for your future relationship with your PIl you have to say no.
Compromise for a week if you need to but only if others compromise too. IE they sleep on the sofa/in the dining room at SIl for a week, go on holiday for a week, stay with friends etc.
Otherwise they will need to put the building work back.
For your mental health you have to say no.
Just wanted to add...cancel sky sports. That might sway them to find an alternative. My ils spend all day glued to it too and it drives me Fucking insane!!
You need to get him on board with this, then he needs to grow the balls and say no to his parents just like his DB/SIL have.
At the end of the day they made a conscious choice to renovate their he. What exactly would they have done if you and bil lived abroad?? They would have found alternative accommodation then so they can now!
If your DH pushes ahead with letting your PIL stay, he needs to be aware that the resentment this causes will impact on the future of your marriage.
Change the ground rules or don't let it happen. This is your home FFS!!
Just tell them that you cannot have house guests and a newborn at the same time. You will resent them otherwise.
I'll tell you my dreadful imposition around birth of a child story (which still affects family relationships today).
When I was pregnant with DS2, H and I were living in a small 3 bedroom house far away from both our families. About 6 or so hours from my family and about 2.5 hours from H's. At the time, my stepfather was working abroad and my mum would spend most of her holidays (she's a teacher) out where he worked. She'd usually take my (27 year old at the time) sister with her (because my sister refused to get a job and leave home and look after herself. Important background info: I do not get on with my sister, who is a self-entitled and attention-seeking arsehole to put it mildly. H doesn't like her either, for the same reasons as me.
So, DS2 was due in early August and my mum planned to fly back towards the end of August to see him. He was, of course, 2 weeks late. In mid July she phoned me to tell me that my sister wanted to come and stay with us for 6 weeks spanning both before and after DS2's birth because she just loves babies so. H and i were supposed to feed her, do her washing, chauffeur her around in the car where she wanted to go, etc during all this time and she was (of course) to contribute nothing. I said no (not entirely politely, as I was taken aback by both my mum and my sister's sense of entitlement). I said she could come and visit for a day or so after the birth but no more.
My mum was very angry with me about this so between them my mum, my step-dad and my sister decided that they were going to impose my sister on us anyway. They booked a flight back for her with my mum and just decided that the pair of them were going to come and stay in our house for 2 weeks. I found out about this when H arrived back from picking my mum up at the airport with my sister in tow. A huge argument ensued because I was by that point overdue and in absolutely no mood for unwelcome house guests (and neither was H). My mum was incredibly nasty to me and said a great many things that now mean that I will never trust her or be close to her again. She was difficult anyway, but she made it clear that she thinks she is much more important than anything else and that I should just do what she wants all the time.
Her behaviour also made me very ill. I was having a horrible pregnancy and had been signed off work early and really, really did not need any more stress. But, my mum and sister clearly didn't (and don't) care about anyone other than themselves. They've made it clear that they are only interested in me insofar as they can get access to my children. Ironically, this means they get almost no access to my children because H and I don't want to see them.
H threw them out of the house and they went to stay at a local hotel. They then insisted on making sure that I got no time to spend with DS1 at all before DS2 arrived (and both H and I were too exhausted to fight). Poor DS1 felt he had to go with the too, but I know he wanted to just curl up with me and watch DVDs etc. Then, when I finally went in to labour, my mum (who was supposed to be looking after DS1 while H and I were at the hospital) wouldn't answer her phone so we had to call the PILs who drove up to us so that we could go to hospital. My waters has broken but the hospital sent me home because labour wasn't progressing with instructions about having to return by a certain time the next day. My mum came to the house that morning and went absolutely mental (actual screaming fit) when she saw FIL in the house.
After 36 hours in labour, I had DS2 and they forced me to stay in hospital over night because he was an instrumental delivery (although their doing so actually prevented me from getting any pain killers and delayed DS2 seeing a doctor by 24 hours --because I had to be in the worst maternity unit in the country--). Once I came home and was settled, my mum and sister visited to see DS2 for about 10 minutes and then left (having barely acknowledged either H or I).
The experience (as you'd expect) very much colours the relationship that I have with my family now. I absolutely keep them at arms length (indeed, H and I are having serious problems but there is absolutely no way I'd mention anything about it to my family; I probably wouldn't tell them directly if we got divorced). H loathes my mother (who essentially tried to make the birth of his child all about her and made everyone really miserable). The PILs think she's completely unhinged too (which is fair enough). My mum seems to think that her and my sister are 'all I've got', but frankly I'd rather having nothing than people who are perfectly happy to do me and my family great damage. I had to cut my dad out after DS1 was born as I didn't want his even more toxic influence, but I've had to accept that my entire family is toxic and contact with any of them should be minimised.
My sister is now pregnant and I hope she has as horrible a pregnancy and broth experience as she and my mother gave me. Not that she's learn any lessons from that.
I'm assuming that your PILs are not awful people, but unwanted house guests at the end of pregnancy/with a newborn are a recipe for disaster.
you will resent your dh and them for YEARS. it will take a hell of a lot to repair the damage that those weeks will cause.
this is precious time - you can't ever get it back.
i gotta stop posting because my blood pressure is getting too high.
Another option if they won't pay out for accommodation is to say they put the building work on hold for a month until bil and sil can have them, staying with you is not an option.
olgaga The dog can stay with your parents? How about you and your DD stay with your parents if your DH insists on his parents living at yours?
^^ Yes this, tell your 'D'H to choose.
YANBU. My FIL came to stay with us the day after I got out of hospital with DS2, I love FIL dearly but it made me feel uncomfortable, however I agreed. He then announced he was bringing his 14 year old step grandson. I was totally horrified! Told DH in no uncertain terms that I was not happy and he would have to explain it just wasn't appropriate. However he "forgot" and dropped the bombshell when they had already set off.
I will never ever forget having to sneak downstairs past an unrelated teenage boy with a mattress sized pad rolled up on my sleeve to take to the bin, or trying for a post natal poo hearing them both shuffling about in the bedroom next door
It was horrible, and it ruined my first few days at home with DS. The resentment is still there nearly a year later, the feeling that nobody gave a damn how I felt about it and just steamrollered over my feelings and right to bleed, leak and poo privately.
I won't forgive DH for being such a wimp in a hurry!
Tell your DH that you like his idea of sending the dog to your DM so much that you think you will join him. Take the dog and have a holiday yourself!
yanbu at all, but it's probably something you're just going to have to do anyway. set up strict rules and ask DH for help when it comes to enforcing them (so if something happens when he is at work, you can speak to him and be assured that he'll talk to his DP's).
it's probably won't be easy, but you might find it's nice have some help before the end of your pregnancy - someone to run around and do basic errands and to watch DD if you have appointments or anything like that.
Arbitrary that is awful
We don't actually have the sports package... We would have to get it! We had it for a whole month after having to buy it so PIL would babysit DD while we saw my brothers play.
They actually don't have anyone else to stay with, BIL and SIL were all for them staying, no particular dates in mind just yes yes yes!
livinginwonderland I seriously doubt the OP will get much help from the PIL, by her descriptions earlier.
you know, going to stay with your mum is not on either.
you'll have just moved house. you won't want your pil mucking up your new house. it's just not on.
and now i've really got to back away. my blood pressure is up and my pmt is kicking in early too.
You do not have to do this.
This is your home.
You have an absolute veto on guests.
Don't let this happen
You will resent them and possibly your husband forever. You should spell that out to him
The time around a birth of a child is special, it's important. You are important, don't let them ruin this for you, you will remember it forever. How often do we see on here that inconsiderate behaviour at times like this leads to lifelong resentments and problems?
By saying no you are actually preventing problems and doing your il's a favour because this has the potential to really fuck up family relations
And yes as someone else said, shame on your DH
I'd suggest they go on holiday for June and July or hire a caravan somewhere nice for a couple of months. If they can't afford to live elsewhere for a couple of months they should have thought about this earlier. They obviously didn't ask your SIL about this either otherwise she wouldn't have arranged for her mother to come then as that doesn't sound like a last minute emergency plan, if they had agreed to have the inlaws then they would have rearranged everything else.
The timing of your baby is non-negotiable.
I'd say no to people staying (especially such unhelpfulpeople staying. ) If my husband made a fuss I'd be taking myself off to my parents' or a siblings until they were gone.
This shouldn't be your problem to sort out. You just say no because you are having a baby in the same way SIL said no because she wanted her mother to stay.
You would "have to" pay for an expensive sports TV package so the stupid bastard who is imposing on you can sit around with the TV on all day in a house with a toddler?!
You don't have to do anything of the kind.
Where are your boundaries?
If the extra work on their house - landscaping & steps - is outside, why can't they move back in their house?
Why should you buy a sky sports package just so your PILs can stay with you? That's ludicrous.
I should add, that my (lovely) PILs slept on the sofa bed the first night and the MIL transferred to a local hotel (a different one from where my mother was) because she didn't want to inconvenience us. And presumably she wanted some personal space. She was lovely and not pushy and just wanted to help us in any way we needed. FIL had to go back for work, but MIL wanted to stay so she could see DS2 and support us (given that my mother had already proved herself nasty and unreliable).
Another yanbu from me. Loads of good potential solutions up thread, one of them must work. My own preference is buy/hire a caravan and lurk on their own drive for duration.
Caravans do have resale value, buy and sell on at the end might be quite a cheap way to do it. A couple of friends of mine did this, with a motor home, took it for a holiday afterwards too, and sold it for exactly the same as they'd paid for it.
You had to buy Sky shitting sports just to get them to babysit?
Tell em to fuck right off, right now, the fucking cheek of it.
OMG just seen the sports package bit!
NO NO NO AND NO AGAIN!!!!
I'm another one adding to the chorus of no. We recently renovated and part of our budget was renting a shoebox to live in. It's just bonkers to expect someone to put you up for weeks on end.
I had a cs with dd and it took 3 weeks for the pain to go. And I spent most of those 3 weeks on the sofa with my nipples hanging out. There is no way that I could have done that comfortably with anyone other than dh or dm around.
Throw a hysterical strop, use your hormones to best advantage and just say its not possible. They can find the money for expensive building work so if they had to they could change the work so they could pay for accommodation.
There won't be any sky sports after your baby arrives. Your DD will need cbeebies!
Your pils's are adults, it's not your job to give them somewhere to stay. In other circumstances then I would agree it would be something you should help out with
But the fact is you don't have to have them because you can't.To me you having the baby is as good as or a better reason than your sil having her mother to stay. If you didn't have a spare room what would they do? Rent somewhere? Stay with friends? Postpone the work? Well whatever it is that's what they should do now because your house is not available
My Sisters house, alone channel on during the day is Cbeebies,
You need to throw a major pregnant strop.
Totally agree with everyone else and surely if you show DH ledkr's excellent post this might actually penetrate his skull as being a ridiculous idea. Like others have said, if people take the piss when you've just had a baby you never, ever forget it. Foot down time, and good luck.
Arbitrary - that's so awful and I can totally relate as have a similar "sister" situation. It has actually meant that I now have had to break all contact with my "family". And whilst it's very hard, I'm grateful that I've now seen them in all their toxic glory, and I'm no longer kidding myself that they give two shits about me or my children.
unMNy hugs to both of you.
I have just asked dh what he would say to your dh after our horrible experience.
He said he'd tell him to stuck up for his wife not his parents.
He started talking about things and how guilty he still feels about letting me down.
He spoke about being furious still at his parents behaviour and how he feels differently about his mother since.
I was in tears just at the memory of it and how it spoiled our special time.
That was from over two years ago.
I will never fully forgive my pil or ever really like them again.
That is very sad.
If BIL/SIL were OK with it-just turn it back to them.
It's them who have "double booked" & their problem to sort out!
Oh, and totally agree in terms of building timelines, double and add two weeks. They will be at yours forever.
No, no, no, no, no.
Just keep repeating it to your DH - no!
It is not up to you to find a solution, and you don't have to accept, or even discuss, such an awful imposition.
Put your foot down before this ruins your family relations, and those first precious weeks with your new DC.
Joining the mass of indignant MN fury on your behalf OP.
Your PIL's cannot descend on you in this way just because their renovation schedule has slipped and their other son has backed out of them staying with him. They will need to make other arrangements. What they seem to be proposing is utterly and obviously unreasonable and has the potential to rob you and your family of so much. You must not allow it.
Your DH needs to understand this - show him the thread! - and take your feelings seriously. (You can "just go upstairs" if their prolonged presence in YOUR new home with a new baby etc etc is too much? Words fail me.)
I wouldn't muddy the waters by talking about compromises - a week here or there, setting up separate rooms - I can't see those boundaries sticking. Just say no.
They will have to re-budget the renovations and factor in temporary accommodation costs. That is what most decent people would do.
They cannot impose on you, to be honest I am shocked that they and your dh thinks this is on.
MIL stayed with us for a month the time when ds2 was born, and we have not seen eye to eye since. It is dreadful. Her idea was, and still is, chocolate for breakfast for kids, to "fatten them up".
If you do this, you risk ruining your relationship with the inlaws for all future. The fact that they are even suggesting it is seriously risking your cordial relationship.
And there is no way you should pay for Sky Sports, rehome your dog to your mother, and go sit upstairs in your bedroom if their presence is too much, just so that they can save a little money. At the expense of your bonding with baby, your breast milk and feeding, and building bonds between your dc and newborn.
I am aghast!
DH's best suggestion is that our dog stay with my parents and if it's too much I can go upstairs. All said in a nice way of course, like that's actually a solution!
Your DH should be ashamed of himself for even thinking this I'm disgusted he could even suggest such a thing. What a twat for putting his parents above his wife, the woman he's supposed to love above all others, a woman who is having major abdominal surgery to give birth to his child. What a fuckwitted wanker. He needs to grow up, put you first and say no to his parents. If they can afford to have the place landscaped they can afford to find a short term let.
I think you should start with the proposition that this is simply not going to happen, and start getting practical.
It sounds like they need somewhere to live for 6-8 weeks.
How many of those weeks can they stay with ILs? Is her mother really there this whole time?
Perhaps, as a compromise, you could say that they can stay with you at the end of this period, in July, so a month or so after your section. But set the earliest date they can come and stick to it.
If they insist they can't afford to rent somewhere else I would go so far as to offer to rent it for them. I know you shouldn't have to but sometimes money does solve problems and it would give them no excuse to impose on you.
SHOW YOUR HUSBAND THIS THREAD
Mr Curious: however hard it will be for you to stand up to your parents and deal with the fallout, it is nothing compared to how hard it will be for your wife to go through all this with your parents hovering around. Please be a nice guy and sort it out properly.
Its worth pointing out that "just walking upstairs" is bloody painful post cs. It used to take me 10 min and could carry baby at same time sometimes particularly if pain killers were wearing off.
TBA: I only maintain any contact because Ds1 is now 12 (he was 9 at the time) and has always known his grandmother. The contact is seriously limited but I think it would be harmful to DS1 to completely cut her off. I have even more limited contact with my sister, to the point that I know neither her address nor phone number (indeed, I only know which city she lives in, and have never visited). If DS2 had been my first child, there's no way I'd have continued contact and he's never know he had maternal grandparents at all.
Also, if you are managing the renovations, perhaps you can find some "problem" that will delay things even more, so they won't need to leave their house until later and can go back to staying with ILs.
No No No No No! YANBU!
If the extended work is mostly external (conservatory, steps and landscaping) then why cant they move back into their own home?
To even suggest it is ridiculous!
Why are you the one dealing with all this? BIL can't have them staying as his mil is visiting, you can't have them stay as you're moving house and expecting a baby. Why is BIL now off the hook but you just have to try and fit them in anyway regardless of new baby and house move?
BIL can get a blow up bed for his livingroom and they can all take turns sleeping on it.
I also think that the only reason they have nowhere else to go is because they haven't started looking for anywhere yet.
Sorting out accomodation should have been done first and when they decided on stuff that extended the timetable they should have arranged accommodation before agreeing to the garden stuff, which otherwise could be done at a later date when inside the house.
Our extension took 2 months longer than planned.
They may have to cancel the house stuff and have it when they can stay with your BIL, or just start looking for accommodation now. They aren't little children, they should have sorted this out first. This isn't an emergency. They are doing this stuff to enhanse their lives but it shouldn't be at the expense of the quality of your life.
"And there is no way you should pay for Sky Sports, rehome your dog to your mother, and go sit upstairs in your bedroom if their presence is too much, just so that they can save a little money. At the expense of your bonding with baby, your breast milk and feeding, and building bonds between your dc and newborn."
This, a million times this ^^
As someone whose babies did not come home for nearly two months, I never got that time to spend hours snuggling with them, to properly establish breast feeding, to recuperate from a CS in my own bed, and I would give almost anythign to have that time. Don't give it up out of some misplaced sense of duty and politeness
and fuckwitted husband
I think if I was you I would leave the house, take your kids and either stay in the lovely holiday cottage or if you would enjoy it with your parents.
Leave them to it.
If they have the money for such a major renovation, they have the money for a month's rental.
The timing couldn't possibly be worse.
I second showing him the thread. He might realise that it isn't just you being awkward, it's genuinely important to your ability to recover from a CS, bond as a family and avoid serious resentment later on.
Also, fuck going upstairs in your own house! Tell him if this happens you will be asking his parents to go upstairs when its too much. See how he likes it being turned around, I'm betting he'd be outraged at the prospect of his parents being banished upstairs. Pity the thought of his wife having to do so doesn't inspire such a reaction
YANBU. Outraged on your behalf.
Please show your 'D'H this thread. Appalling lack of support.
You need to put your foot down about this now. The stress is no good for you, and the long term resentment within the family that will be created by this ridiculous situation won't be good for anybody!
If bil can't have them anymore then they need to go on holiday/rent or buy a caravan or stay in a cheap hotel. This is their problem not yours.
And yes, show your dh this thread. I've had 4 c-sections, unless you've had one it can be difficult to understand what it is like and how long recovery takes. You just want to rest in the privacy of your own home and recover, not have it full of bloody in laws!
Saw the thread title and thought that well, of course it's inconvenient, but if they have nowhere else to stay..
But after reading - YANBU! What ledkr said earlier - you will have a newborn, you need to be able to relax in your own home and do what you want, which will also include sitting in your old PJs, leaking all over and breastfeeding the baby on the sofa while watching whatever you want, if anything. I don't quite imagine doing it next to FIL who insists on absolute quiet while he watches some stupid sports programs.
So your DH really thinks it's reasonable to "send you to your room" if you want some privacy?
Really feel for you OP but I think you and your husband are going to have to set some ground rules. Firstly that you will not be doing all the meals. Tell them to treat it as their own home ie. that they do not need to wait to be offered a drink or something to eat. Just go and help themselves. They will also have to clear up after themselves. With regards to the Sky Sports can they not have a telly in their room and if your PIL wants to watch it he can go upstairs. I think you need to have a discussion with them and just tell them how it is going to be.
Yeah show him the thread and we can tell him that:
1) C section is major surgery, i know, i couldnt have a dump for 4 days nor sleep in my own bed for 4 weeks
2) OP needs privacy and her own space, and being shunted upstairs, is not nice and the suggestion is pretty cunty.
3) Yes, they will get on OP's nerves and want to hog the baby.
4) Sky sports, how twatty can one person be.
5) The dog, its his home, not PIL, get a grip, idiot.
6) Your wife's wellbeing and emotional should be your number one priority.
7) DID IT NOT CROSS YOU TINY MIND THAT OP MIGHT WANT YOU TO HERSELF WITH THE KIDS BONDING!!!
8) Stop being an idiot and say no to them.
There are so many potential solutions to this but it sounds like the PILs and indeed your DH can't be bothered to investigate these as it's "easier" and less expensive to impose upon you. I'll concede - just about - that maybe as a man DH can't quite imagine how vital it is for a new mum to safeguard her privacy if she wants to - but for heavens sake he is already a parent and should have some inkling of these matters - or at least be prepared to be guided by you and allow you the final say. However, MIL is a mother herself and it's extraordinarily insensitive of her (in particular) to suggest/expect this with no regard for your feelings when she's been through the birth experience herself. Unless they'd been made homeless suddenly and unexpectedly and it truly was a genuine emergency - am thinking fire/flood - no-one in their right mind would even bloody well bother to mention such an imposition at a time like this and cause you all this stress/worry/bad feeling with DH long before June. What have they done to try and sort this out ? - they have 3 months to do it.
Okay, so, they could :
* Work round BIL's MIL's visit
* Stay with friends - maybe several different friends for shorter periods of time
* Ditto other relatives
* Go on holiday for some or all of this time
* Rent/buy caravan or motorhome and remain on site (maybe sell when no longer needed)
* Postpone the bloody work that apparently requires them to be out of the house
* Rent something short term
* Stay in B&B or Travelodge
And if they can't afford these options or find someone willing to put them up for free then they'll have to rethink their landscaping won't they.
Unless you feel 100% comfortable BTW you shouldn't be moving to your own parents for the duration either while PILs have the run of your new house for god knows how long. However lovely your parents are it still won't be your home and you're still going to have the privacy issues there and lose the ability to chill out on your own terms.
It goes without saying that you should be DH's first priority of course.
No no no. Not even with ground rules is this acceptable. Just a flat out no and tell your DH that you and your children are his priority and you will not be shoved aside for his parents who can and should sort out elsewhere to stay.
I'm utterly horrified at the idea that these two mature adults would actually think it's perfectly acceptable to lodge with OP in these circumstances. Have they no shame, to think that saving themselves some money takes priority over a woman who has just given birth?
A pregnant strop is exactly what you need to have. Don't make yourself ill with it, but tell your DH that this is not happening. A C-Section seriously limits your mobility, and means that you cannot traipse up and down the house avoiding TV-hogging in-laws. It is regrettable, but the delays to your in-laws' renovation means that they must find paid temporary accommodation. They cannot stay with you.
And I also agree that you should show your DH this thread. I've never seen so much support for an OP on AIBU.
I agree that even with ground rules , this will not work.
Yeah I wouldn't go near "ground rules" either. It'll be impossible to think of everything you'd need them to do in order not to feel uncomfortable and there's huge potential for rows, resentment and misunderstanding when someone "misinterprets" the rules - which they're bound to. The issue isn't whether or not they'll "behave themselves" - it's the fact they're there at all.
I've got a trailer tent if you want it
Fwiw my blood has been boiling reading this. No way on earth should they come and stay. Your memories are precious and they will ruin it for you.
If you're stressed, so are the DC's. They are being so unreasonable and so is your DH. Put your foot down with a firm hand
Also if your newborn is anything like my two were, the very last thing your FIL would get would be peace and quiet to watch TV. Yes, some babies do little but sleep for the first month or so, but others most certainly do not!
I am so sad that your DH is opting out of telling his parents NO, but that is not unusual, I'm afraid. PIL sound very domineering and DH is taking the easy way out at your expense. He's a coward!. You do not need all this stress at this time and he should be doing everything to make things easier for you, not much worse.
Fuck this shit.
Say no and repeat no until it sinks in.
Show your partner this thread: OPs partner, do your wife a favour and stand up to your parents, would you? She doesn't need this at such a difficult time in her life/your marriage and aren't you looking forward to the month of becoming a family of four? I had a blissful time in the first two weeks of my DC2s life as we settled into being a 4 from a 3 and it was great! Don't spoil it!
No no no no no! My tummy is in an angry knot just thinking about how awful that sounds! Ugh. Absolutely put your foot down. You don't want to spend these weeks hiding in your bedroom to get some peace. No no no
I think your best bet is to look for alternatives - short lets/holiday lets.
It's what my parents did when suddenly backed into a corner by a relative at last minute - would have been carnage if the relative shad stayed with them.
I'd also not apologies to IL or DH for not going along with this plan- I'd get very angry with them for proposing it and let them know that.
I expect this plan is the path of least resistant for them at minute and your being expected to fall in - if you make a fuss and give them an alternative they'll probably jump at it.
Can you and your DD go and stay at your parents for a couple of weeks - and let DH and PiL stay then - and then say you'll be returning WITH the dog, which won't be shut out because there's going to be enough stress for him with another baby in the house to cope with without being excluded from family life...
If your IL aren't listening - write to them politely stating this isn't happening and tell them you are very angry that they would put you and your unborn DC under this level of stress.
Enclose the list of alternative they have.
Then get very angry with anyone who says anything to you about it again. I expect there will be bad feeling what ever you do though.
Personally I wouldn't be moving out my house and I'd be annoyed that it was being put on my plate at all.
This isn't your problem its your ILs - don't let them and your DH make it your problem.
Is it just me, or does it seem very convenient that they have to stay with you the month that dh is off and when the baby is a newborn?
If this were happening to me, I would move out myself, if necessary.
YANBU. No way would I want my MIL staying with us for that long trying to take over. Your DH should be supporting you and telling them it is not going to happen.
Definitely not, no way. YANBU under the circumstances.
I would tell dh its fine as long as he takes the time off, why is he not taking time off anyway. House move, his first child, new baby and major surgery. He should be at home anyway.
If you absolutely can't stop this then how about actually booking them somewhere for the two weeks after the baby comes and saying why.
I'd do that even at my own cost rather than go through what I went through before.
It's awful and your dh needs to realise where his loyalties lie.
I also think you should show him this thread.
I wondered that too Heath .... it seems so damn obvious to me to postpone the building work until such time it's easier for them to vacate the house yet they've seemingly not even begun to consider that. I'm not saying they necessarily planned this - and it does sound as if FIL would be happy wherever he was so long as he had Sky Sports - but when things overran I do think it might have given MIL - she of the "my baby" persuasion - the perfect "excuse" to come and play
dollies happy families with the newborn, taking the baby out to show it off to friends and so on. That of course would be another source of distress and worry for the OP - having to fend off such requests, and MIL getting the hump because OP doesn't want to relinquish her newborn.
You, your 2-year-old and the coming baby ARE his priorities. His <selfish> parents are NOT. <fuming face>
Omg, you have to say sorry but no. I would not want them around for labour and returning home with a new baby. Perhaps you can have a hormonal meltdown (tears/screaming) after two days and chuck them out saying this isn't going to work. With any luck they'll check in to the nearest hotel and keep their distance!
YADNBU! I fell to pieces when MIL & BIL came to stay literally days after DS arrived and after an horrific birth.
It doesn't matter who they are, it's the last thing you need when feeling vulnerable and in pain.
DH should be having a word.
I'm really angry on your behalf curious, is your 'D'H really that thick that he doesn't realise what he's suggesting, or just totally whipped by his parents he can't stand up to them and support his wife?
You really do have my sympathy - I hope you show your DH this thread and he takes it on board.
No no no. A million times no. I'm so cross on your behalf. I can't imagine anything worse than having unwanted house guests when you've just had a baby AND moved house.
Maybe say to them that they can come and stay, but that due to all the moving difficulties they will be sleeping on the sofa as you wont have time to unpack the spare room, and you definitely wont be able to get the Sky hooked up for weeks after you move so they will be stuck watching endless Peppa Pig DVDs with DD1.
Or maybe come at them all sunny and positive and be like 'WOW! It's so great of you to offer to come round and do all the cooking and cleaning while DH and I bond with our new baby. I'll be sure to make you lots of lists of all the jobs I need doing round the house!'?
My mum asked the same question about them going back to their house as all the extra work is external, but they're not putting it on the end of the schedule, they've slotted it in the middle so that the knocking down internal walls through to new spaces (conservatory and extension) would still be watertight... Then it's internal stuff, new bathrooms, putting in downstairs loo and utility.. New wiring and plastering throughout, redecoration throughout, new kitchen, new fireplace and altering the layout will all be the bit they can't be there for.
I've been on the phone to DH having a massive row about this, I've read him some thread but his thinking is that as I'm not going to be breast feeding (due to a series of surgeries I had to have in my early twenties I had to have most of the breast taken away and reconstructed so it's not possible) then a lot of the concerns aren't valid. But this is a major reason for me, with my DD because she was bottle fed everyone wanted to 'have a go' and you sort of don't have a leg to stand on about doing it yourself... Other than being home alone just wanting cuddles and not putting them down, but I'm going to lose that with them here.
BIL and SIL's plan is that her mum arrives on the 5th June, giving us time to move house, then MIL & FIL can come to our new house with plenty of room from the 4th / 5th until her mum goes home (but flights home to ireland not yet booked and last time she stayed six weeks). But the new house has an extra bedroom, but one room less reception space... So we'll actually be more cramped in than we would be here.
I said that I would compromise and have them until my c section date but then they have to find somewhere else but DH said that how can we tell them to just go at the bit MIL is most excited at being around for.
My dog going is just not going to happen... It would be all I need for him to associate being sent away with my new DD, and I'd miss him terribly too.
It is just so frustrating, this whole thing is just going to make so many problems for DH and me. I asked SIL to lunch to talk it over but she's so far dodging my text...
Oh, and my DH does contract work so paternity isn't paid. Between taking two weeks off unpaid, bits and bobs we need for the baby, DH and i getting (legally) married in two weeks time, moving costs & new house and having to fly to Ireland and stay there for four nights a few weeks later for SIL wedding we have no spare money to house them somewhere else.
What is it with mother in laws trying to impose themselves in particular! How do people so conveniently forget what it's like to have a baby and the overwhelming feelings?!
My parents are really local, just round the corner literally, but have my two younger brothers (still at secondary school & one at college, huge age gap between me and them) so don't really have the space for me...
Do they really have to move out of their own house while building work is done? My parents moved, one winter, into a house which was sold as uninhabitable - it was boarded up, structurally unsound in parts, no utilities and uninsurable. Also a friend moved into her house which needed a lot of work doing, she has had to cope with no floorboards, no bathroom, no electricity etc and she has children and pets! Her neighbour ran an extension lead through a window so they could have power. Neither situation was ideal by any stretch of the imagination but people manage somehow.
Years ago I had a very unhappy living situation for a year. Looking back I wish I had just moved out, rented somewhere else and had to pay double rent for that period, even though I could barely afford one rent, as the effects of that year on my self esteem and confidence were so long lasting. So perhaps you could club together with other family to rent somewhere for PIL if they insist they can't afford to. It could avoid long term damage.
Oh god, if they can feed her, they will never let you have any time alone with her.
Maybe say to DH that if he thinks this kind of unhappiness and fighting between is bad, he should consider what four weeks of it will be like.
Surely they can stay locally somewhere and MIL can still come and visit you for the day etc?
Just tell your husband it's too hard and the timing is bad then, if he won't get rid of them after the birth.
If you have just needed to have a row with DH on the phone, keep it up. Plenty of strops, tears, the works.... and maybe threaten tears in front of PILs? Tell him you'll tell them yourself, otherwise, he will have to tell them to put the building work on hold.
Keep at it, you really mustn't let this happen OP, good luck.
Wow, I'm really angry on your behalf. Does your DH actually want to stay married? I think if you go ahead with this then you'll end up despising your PILs and possibly also your husband for putting you in this situation.
As for his suggestions that you can go upstairs, while trying to bond with a new baby and recover from major abdominal surgery and allow your PIL to watch sky sports in peace downstairs. I want to divorce him on your behalf. The git.
DH said that how can we tell them to just go at the bit MIL is most excited at being around for.
Tough luck to her. You are not responsible for providing her with excitement. Just tell him that if they stay then you go. I would in your position.
DH might want to remind his rude & imposing parents that they won't get a WINK of sleep iwth a newborn in the house either... that might be enough to get them into a quiet & peaceful holiday let with Sky Sports...
You could always accidentally drop the Sky box during the move.
Just read your post about not being able to BF. feeding is one of the major ways to bond with a baby. Your the baby's mother, YOU need to bond with that child over anyone else.
I felt so fragile in those newborn days I think put into this situation I would have actually ended up screaming at them to get out and any relationship would be permanently damaged.
OP I'm so sorry about all this your dh I'm afraid to say is a sad excuse for someone who is meant to look after and protect his wife. My dh has specific cultural norms with his family
living in eachothers pockets babies being passed around like parcels after the birth but he knows there's no way in hell I would allow this. I think you and he have bigger issues than this in law thing. He does not have enough respect for you, and that's the truth. His parents are a fucking disgrace. Astounded at their sense of entitlement.
Tell him your privacy and time alone with your children at this time is more important that his mothers "excitement".
It's not personal, you just don't want anyone staying.
You are not having a baby to provide your MIL with some excitement
It is not about what your MIL wants ffs. I think you should take your DH out of the equation and tell your PIL directly that this is not going to work for you. You DH is not up to the job of looking out for you, you may have to do it for yourself.
What a nightmare, the last thing you need is fil squatting in your living room with skysports on all day while your mil is trying to take over your newborn. You'll have no privacy to bond and enjoy your kids, rest and you won't be able to enjoy visitors you want to see as they'll always be around. No normal, considerate person would think of imposing themselves on someone at a time like this, I find that these types never listen to polite hints/requests and you have to be blunt with them and never compromise because you give them an inch they'll always take a mile!!!
Ring your mil and tell her the truth, you have too much on your plate, you will need all the rest and privacy you can get to enjoy the rest of your pregnancy and bond with a newborn while also taking care of your dd and that won't be possible with them sitting in your house all day for over a month. They can either rearrange their schedule for work on the house or find other accommodation but you won't be putting yourself out so they can save a few pounds. If she tries to argue/guilt trip you, tell her to stop being so rude, they're not welcome, full stop.
If your dh whines about that make it clear that it's his own fault for not getting the point across himself. What a selfish man, expecting you to put up with his obnoxious parents, ruining what should be a special time.
I'm just so bloody shocked at this complete twat.
Excitement!? Fine for him to suck the excitement out of his wife and make her
miserable when she needs him most...
Ohh yes, as long as his mummy isn't put out.
I said that I would compromise and have them until my c section date but then they have to find somewhere else but DH said that how can we tell them to just go at the bit MIL is most excited at being around for.
Don't compromise - this seems like a set up to get MIL what she wants.
I'd tell them all no - SIL, MIL - don't speak text or write. Just saying no to IL staying at all and that you don't want to hear from them for a long while.
Don't explain or compromise.
Then sit DH down and read him the riot act - tell him this isn't happening and your bloody mad at his attitude. Keep doing it till it goes in. If it doesn't them I do think you have big problems.
Having said I wouldn't move out - if no one was listening then I might well do so to avoid the situation and to make a huge point- but I'd be resentful for a long while afterwards.
It does sound like they just expect you to cave to their wishes.
If you did move out, the take the sky boxes, but then again, im quite petty.
"Just tell him that if they stay then you go. I would in your position."
^ This. I would too.You have offered a more than reasonable compromise, one which i wouldn't have offered being heavily pregnant and moving house. Yet it still isn't enough for your dh. He's being utterly selfish.
Not breastfeeding doesn't mean anything;
* you will still be in pain,
* you'll still be exhausted,
*you'll still be leaking ,
* you will still get hormonal and upset (who needs the IL's to witness that?)
* you could still get a scar infection ( I spent a lot of time in the bath with that one, and a lot of time laying naked from the waist down on the sofa to give it fresh air.)
*you will still be bonding with your new baby, not easy with eager grandparents wanting to whisk the baby away
* you could still get PND, in fact with all the stress it will be far more likely.
He needs to prioritise the welfare of his wife, not that of his parents.
They can TELL the builders (after all, they are paying them aren't they?!) to do the major internal house stuff FIRST, and see to the outside at the end. then hopefully they can
fuck off go home before the baby arrives.
I've had 4 c-sections and I feel quite concerned and very angry for you.
Some people would be totally fine with this , the more the merrier etc.
I 100% would not be and from the sounds of it nor are you.
Keep it simple and say no that isnt going to be possible and do not include the word "sorry".
I hate to say this but are you marrying the right man ? His suggestion the dog is banished and you can go upstairs ... Also what has whether you are BF got to do with it ?
And fgs, don't marry him unless this is sorted out and he understands how unreasonable he has been, expresses genuine remorse and apologises to you for being such a dickhead.
I knew MIL wanted to play dollies ......
(not very helpful comment)
That's why they've made no attempt to alter the building schedule.
"I said that I would compromise and have them until my c section date but then they have to find somewhere else but DH said that how can we tell them to just go at the bit MIL is most excited at being around for."
Jesus, you aren't saying the in laws can't visit and squee over their new grandchild, just that they can't live with you at such a personal, private family time. If she is a decent woman she will understand. I would never treat a future daughter in law of mine like this.
"I said that I would compromise and have them until my c section date but then they have to find somewhere else but DH said that how can we tell them to just go at the bit MIL is most excited at being around for."
Ooh, that's a bit telling, isn't it? That says to me that, as speculated by HeathRobinson and catsmother earlier, _this is a set-up_; designed to facilitate WHAT MIL WANTS, and you are naught but a walk-on part to her starring role.
Time to start going ballistic, OP. I'd start by contacting PIL directly, and telling them that they need to re-plan their renovations, as they will NOT be staying with you. No more going through DH, set out to them what you NEED to happen and let them sort out what's they are going to do.
"I knew MIL wanted to play dollies ...... angry
(not very helpful comment)"
I think it is helpful. This is all about the mil playing dollies, not about her helping her dil.
I think I need to calm down. I have the urge to go and stamp on my Sky box, and we don't even have anyone wanting to watch sky sports on it lol
OP Just say no, its a stressful time for you coming up, and if you so called DH wants to get stressy then he can find somewhere to live too.
Because right he is a being a bad husband, by forcing his parents mess on you, i'd like to read him the riot act.
Yes do what whereyouleftit said
Technically we've been married 6 years, it's just that it came about afterwards that it wasn't 109% legal.. We did it on a beach. So the 'wedding' of ours in two weeks is just a legality, but with a nice dress and a dinner after.
SIL gets on so much better with MIL than I do, I actually think she would get on fine with her there for weeks. But the timing of her mum coming is pretty suspicious!
But the bit that you're most excited about is a month of uninterrupted snuggliness with just the four of you.
Why is it okay to disappoint you but not MIL?
Your DH is being a coward and a twat.
Something very similar happened to me. It ended VERY badly. If I were you, I would do everything in my power to prevent the IL's moving in without creating a major upset - which is the last thing you need in late pregnancy. If your dh and IL's refuse to see sense, tell them you will be going to your DM's house after the CS to recover in peace.
Your Dh is being completely unreasonable. You need to make a stand on this one.
Don't even think about spending your own money putting them up elsewhere.
Don't try and convince your SIL to take them, it's not your responsibility to find them somewhere to stay.
You need to think about yourself and your DC here. If you put yourself second on this one you'll be doing it for years to come.
You shouldn't have to explain, or reason, or compromise or justify. Just tell them NO.
We have to go see PIL this weekend to get rid of some of DH's old stuff from there before the work starts... Maybe I should just throw a massive hormonal strop... I might never get invited back!
If you are not legally married, I would hold off with this wedding to be honest.
Not sure I would want to be officially tied to this family.
Your husband is being a total dick.
"Maybe I should just throw a massive hormonal strop"
It sounds like you do need to throw some sort of strop. At the moment, your DH prefers to pacify his mother than you. That needs to change, and a strop might be a very good start ...
Madonna - you're exactly right. I've been so excited to have a month straight of DH, visitors we invite, DD seeing her dad and playing with him for a month straight, not just a bath before bedtime, and I'm gutted actually.
The work on PIL's house has yet to start. Now would be the perfect time for them to start discussing the schedule with the builder.
Yes, ask your DH why YOUR wishes come so low on the list? Why it is OK to ignore the things YOU were looking forward to so much?
Because its a lot easier to say no to me than to his parents, I think.
If the work has not yet started, why not delay it so they dont have to stay with you?
Totally agree with Madonnawhore.
He is tending to his mum's happiness over yours. I'd be, quite frankly, furious.
Yes, yes! Throw the massive hormonal strop, after all you can't help it
I don't think you are being U at all. There is no way on earth I would want that sort of setup if I had just had a second child.
I hope you can find a way to put your point across - life is too short to be always putting other people's needs above your own.
"Because its a lot easier to say no to me than to his parents, I think."
That needs to change!
Have you actually said yes to them yet?
If not, no need for a strop in the first instance. Just say that it's out of the question for all of the very, very good reasons that exist.
It's March, this is all happening in June. That's two and a half months for them to sort something else out. You're hardly leaving them high and dry are you?
Then make it more difficult to say no to you. Take a stand! (Not that you should bloody have to)
Don't be gutted OP. Because if that is what you want to happen then that is what will. You are the one undergoing major surgery, you are the one giving birth, it's your house; so you decide.
Pm me ils phone number. I'll tell them how twatty and unreasonable they are being!
Fortunately, if you move out, your git of a husband will not need to take paternity leave, he can go to work, you can use the money he earns to pay for a B and B. Still the same financial situation as before.
There is just no way you should have to put up with this . PIL can sleep on BIL's floor. Or just tell the builders to change the schedule round for the renovations. Or they could move in to their shed. It really doesn't matter, where they live is their problem, not yours!
You will be in pain, sleep deprived and hormonal. At your most vulnerable. You do not need your arsing MIL wanting to play dollies with your newborn while you make food and drinks for her and your lazy FIL.
Just say no and keep on saying it. NOT YOUR PROBLEM!!!
Yanbu. The answer has to be NO they cannot stay. The cheek of some people.
Why dont you tell him he can do what he wants, as the moment they arrives you will be off to your own parents to put your feet up.
He can host his parents!
Tell him if he is not careful there will not be a house-move together and he will have to deal with a 50/50 custody split instead, as you wont spend your future battling him over his lacking spine when it comes to his parents.
Gosh, I am so angry for you.
You can't let them anywhere near your new house - once they're in you won't getrid of them!
Just say no!
FairyJen, if you're any good at acting you could pretend to be her very concerned midwife
"DH said that how can we tell them to just go at the bit MIL is most excited at being around for."
Because she's a fucking adult, not a child about to get a new toy.
I wouldn't compromise as I don't think that they would move out-nor would your husband ask them to.
Tell him if they move in-you move out!
"Because its a lot easier to say no to me than to his parents, I think."
Ah, an opportunity! Time to make it harder, OP - a lot harder ...
"Have you actually said yes to them yet?
If not, no need for a strop in the first instance. Just say that it's out of the question for all of the very, very good reasons that exist."
Yes. Just say "I know you are under the impression that you will stay with us, but that is because your son has no spine and have not yet told you that this is out of the question for a number of reasons I wont discuss"
I've been so excited to have a month straight of DH, visitors we invite, DD seeing her dad and playing with him for a month straight, not just a bath before bedtime, and I'm gutted actually.
Have you actually said that to your DH? Perhaps if you sell it as time he'd be missing out on as well - time that could be wasted to rows and running round after his parents and point out his parents have several other options available - he'll be more amenable?
Say a polite and firm no to his parents - when you see them as well - or get stroppy.
It took years for my DH to say no to his parents - I said no instead till he finally got there. I cared less if they didn't like me.
Oh and as for his thinking re the bfeeding-can I say heartless bastard
And it sounds as if it would be very much a case of "pass the
When I recovered from my CS I wasn't cooking meals for anyone, I was recovering from a major operation and it took ages. Some people bounce back very quickly, others don't and I was definitely an 'other'.
So does your DP appreciate that he would be doing the catering for his parents and for you and for DC1? Not to mention the tidying up and cleaning - all the picking up and bending, all the lugging the hoover around? Because you certainly won't. Oh and the shopping and the driving of course because you won't be driving for a few weeks. And that all of these tasks will be a much greater overhead with 2 extra
layabouts people in the house?
And of course if you're 'upstairs' sleeping/bonding/trying to get some space then he will be responsible for keeping DC1 quiet so his lovely father can watch back to back sports.
Plus doing all this with a stressed, tired wife who is in pain.
Has he really understood what this would be like?
head I could!! My dm is a hv so I know all the lingo etc...
I know you shouldn't have to do this - not at all - but are there any sympathetic friends or relatives of PILs you know well enough to speak to about this, who, in theory have the space to put them up and who might be willing to consider doing so ??
I know it's a big ask - both for you (by having to broach the subject at all) and for whoever might end up with them - but if it were possible to say to them "you don't need to stay here, Alan and Barbara are happy to have you stay" it would presumably take the wind out of DH's sails as you couldn't be accused of "throwing them onto the street" or whatever.
Of course, it would also reveal - once and for all - their real motivation in making such a ludicrous suggestion if DH and/or MIL then started to object to them staying at Alan & Barbaras wouldn't it ? They'd no longer have the "homeless" excuse to beat you with. And then you could say, guilt-free, that they were "welcome" (though bet you don't feel very welcoming right now) to visit and see new baby (when it suited you) which would be fair enough.
I wouldn't go to their house this weekend because they could use the opportunity to gang up on you and bully you into submission. Just say no and mean it. Say it directly to pil now, call your mil immediately and tell her they're not welcome and to change building schedule or find other accommodation.
Because they need the work to finish before they go away for BIL's wedding and are hosting a party / reception there for people who were unable to fly to the wedding the week they get back. This is what initially promoted all the work.
I've not said yes technically because there hasn't been a question, it was just decided as there was no alternative
Diddl is right. What he said about you breast feeding was really thoughtless.
Wow, you weren't even consulted?!
Time to go stratospheric.
I live in Australia and I am due to have a csection for DC2 in 14 days. My parents have arrived from the UK to stay with us.
I know there will be times when the will irritate the bejesus out of me, but so far they have totally taken over cooking, washing up, laundry, hoovering, making tea and delivering glasses of water, tidying up DSs toys etc to give me a break. I did actually cook yesterday, but only because they were bathing DS and clearing up after the mess he managed to make of spaghetti with a tomato sauce (he was covered head to toe...).
They have also taken DSs baby monitor so they get up to him in the morning to give me a chance to sleep in, as well as babysitting (I spent 6 hours at hospital today having various tests - I'm not having an easy pregnancy). They are also insisting that DH and I have a chance to have a 'date' this week.
Once we are home from hospital and DH is on paternity leave, they are planning a road trip so that we get a chance to bond as a foursome without them being here.
This weekend it's a Grand Prix weekend, which my Dad is obsessed with, however, I know in a heartbeat he would turn the tv over so DS could watch in the night garden if he wanted. Although actually DS will probably enjoy watching the cars race around the track!
As I said earlier, there will be times they irritate me, but they are here to help us rather than hinder us. They have thought about how to help. I am constantly being told to sit down, to put my feet up, do I need a drink or a snack etc. They are also making DHs life easier as he can go to cricket practice without feeling guilty at all!
Late pregnancy, a csection and baby bonding is an emotional, difficult time. You only need people around you who are there for you. If your inlaws can't step up then they can't stay. And that's all there is to it.
Oh, and we have a cat whom my Mum is not at all keen on. But she is feeding her, changing her water etc. No consideration given at all of the cat going elsewhere....
I have been pondering over this all morning OP, still completely enraged about your situation. I was going to ask if your ILs could stay with your parents, but I see that not possible. Surely your ILs have some friends somewhere they could stay with?
I would suggest approaching your MIL directly to talk it over- maybe suggest a shopping day to get bits for new baby then you can talk on neutral ground without other family members interjecting? Maybe she will understand if you explain your position. She has probably assumed that you will be grateful for the extra pair of hands to justify her imposition. Do not rely on dh to relay your concerns, there is a danger they will be brushed away if you are not involved with the discussion.
Have so changed my mind about this since I posted this morning because it seems it's not now just about having unwanted guests at the worst possible time. It's about you being supported by your DH to assert your right to have your needs and wishes put right at the top of the list.
No-one else in this scenario has anywhere near as much right as you to decide what happens. Not your ILs, not your SIL / BIL, not even your 'D'H.
If it helps, what I do when I know a conversation is going to be difficult is I become like a broken record and would just say, "It's such a shame we can't put you up, but there you go, these things happen when you have major building work. If the baby wasn't coming at the same time, we would of course put you up. But the baby is coming and we can't put you up.".
And I agree with comingintomyown that you mustn't even think of saying sorry. Just banish the word from your head. You have nothing to be sorry for.
it was just decided as there was no alternative
Then a good way of avoiding it is to firmly state no to them they can't stop and oh look here are all your other options.
You want to recover from surgery and have a peaceful, private time after giving birth. There is no alternative.
They will survive. As Horrace rightly said, this isn't your problem.
I may have missed it somewhere in the thread, but there appears to be a MN favourite missing...
No is a complete sentence!
Failing that, dissolves into tears during a discussion about this - sob your way through the explanation of how you were looking forward to time with just the 4 of you etc.
MumofWombat - what lovely parents you have.
Seriously you have to say no, maybe you have to do it directly to mil/fil - if they haven't asked then maybe you should raise it at the weekend.
Ask them directly where they are going to be staying whilst sil mum there?...put them on the spot...it may/maybe not hard depending how your hormones are at the weekend but don't let it fester - if they start making assumptions as dp wont say anything the result will be worse....seriously this is not good for you all the worrying about it never mind it actually happenning....just say no
Ok, on reflection and after seeing that they're are not super lovely (in fact, seem a bit nightmarish) I change my vote to YADNBU!
What to do about it though?
look you're being far too reasonable.
don't compromise. don't have them at all.
it's not your problem. you tell your dh 'no way josé'.
and this weekend when they say 'oh we'll be staying at yours.'
'oh didn't dh tell you? it's impossible i'm afraid.'
and then don't say anything else except to repeat that sentence.
start practicing now.
You're the one who will have just had major surgery. You're the one whose body will be going absolutely bananas for a while. YOU get to decide what happens. Not DH and not the bloody ILs.
You're going to have to say no when you see them. Who gives a fuck if they think you're the bad guy.
there are plenty of places this couple could go and stay - but they don't want to .
They are not short of money having all this work done to the house - they could book a holiday home, they could go away on holiday, they could hire a canal boat, they could use a caravan somewhere nice for three week. Plenty of places this couple could go.
No they want in on this baby and they don't give a sh*t about this mother bonding with her child or the father getting plenty of time to play with the other child on her own - having daddy to yourself when a new born comes along would be lovely.
tell your dh you will go and stay in a rented holiday let for the month with both your dd's and that way his parents can have the house to themselves and it ends the problem
I know a few families who have had major work done on their homes (lucky bastards). In each case they have arranged a short term rental.
I think having them for a short time, pre-birth, might be reasonable. But not what they are proposing. Imagining your dh home for a month post-birth, and them both there as well - not good.
Yes, maybe head it off at the pass when you see them OP. Something along the lines of "would you like any help looking for a short term let?"
Oh, I'm deeply pissed off on your behalf.
You've been completely railroaded by the lot of them, presenting it as a fait accompli, when in fact it sounds as if the SIL can't be arsed having them stay for a month and your MIL just wants to get her hands on your newborn.
I'm still driven mad by the fact that my sister (who I don't get on with) turned up in the labour suite, hung around for four hours and went through the gory birth shots when I was in the loo. It wasn't just trying to breastfeed for the first time, and knowing I looked like hell, and being so tired I could barely speak. It was the fact that I had to be polite, accommodating, civil, at a time when I was feeling so vulnerable and stunned. It was having to make bloody chit chat on a once-in-a-lifetime day that basically passed me by as I provided entertainment for her on a slow work day.
It was the need to act 'normal' at at time when I felt anything but. It was horrible, and I urge you not to give in on this one. At least when I got home I could turn the phone off and not answer the door [reserved at the best of times, complete recluse post-birth].
Just say no, as often as it takes for them to listen. Be apologetic but firm - I'm sorry, I've had a good think about it and I just don't feel we'll be able to have you at that time. I'm going to be exhausted and it's a huge operation and afterwards I'll need time to recover and I just don't think it's the right time for guests. So sorry about that, but I'm sure you've got the means to work something out (and of course they do, those extensions sound pretty bloody extensive).
And no doubt they'll say, oh, we'll help, we'll do everything. And say, oh yes, any other time, but it's just not a good time for guests. Or some other line that reminds them of their place in your home - family or not, in your house they are guests.
I suspect they know they are being unreasonable, and are being extra pushy as they dearly want to be there at such a special time - everyone loves a newborn, after all - and taking advantage of the fact that you're probably tired and distracted and not strong enough to put up much of a fight.
If you've been issued with a statement you need to issue one right back delivered with a 'what a ludicrous suggestion!' face. I would go into lots of detail as well to make them as uncomfortable as possible. So:
'Of course you can't stay - I'll be naked from the waist down airing my C section scar to help it heal. I'll be bleeding a lot and need my personal space. DD will be watching CBeebies so there'll be no sky sports and to make sure our dog doesn't associate being sent away with the new baby, he will be in the house with full access to all rooms so he knows he's part of the family. It's obviously not going to work!'
If this gets an offer of 'help' then say, 'Surely it's most important that as a mother I bond with the baby? You see that don't you? Because your current plan to be in our personal space while we're bonding and while I'm recovering from a major physical trauma will really prevent that happening. We get on very well, lets not put our relationship at risk.'
Although actually if you give reasons, you sometimes give people an opportunity to find answers.
So a steely glare and just, 'your plan to stay with us isn't going to work'. Might be better. No explanations.
Both options will cause ruffled feathers but I think it's better than the massive rift that would occur if they stay.
PS and don't even worry about getting your DH to say something. Say it yourself. You're pregnant, for god's sake, with their grandchild, it may not feel like it, but you're actually in a very powerful position.
You need to call the PIL. Your H won't .
It would be absolute madness - you are having a major surgery and a baby, moving house, getting married, and attending another wedding.
I think I'd go from the angle of ringing MIL and telling her about the absolutely insane idea BIL has had about the clash of dates, he's suggested that PIL come to you <hysterical laughter>, isn't BIL a fool for suggesting such an untenable solution? Gosh, just imagine how bored FIL would be with no TV at all, and it would be ever so uncomfortable for him having to sit there with you with your boobs out because it's so painful while your milk is coming in and you aren't BF, and when the MW comes round to examine your stitches and bleeding.
And of course as you won't have any functioning spare rooms until everything has been unpacked they would have to sleep on the floor in the living room- for 8 weeks, just imagine! Especially when you're in the same room with them in the early hours of the morning with a crying newborn, because you can't let the baby wake DS.
Do not let this happen.
Ooh I'm much more of a cow than tangerinefeathers
No, no, no! Absolutely, completely and utterly not!
I don't care how helpful they are. It's an imposition and very unfair on you.
This is what I would do (in this order);
1. Contact BIL/SIL and ask them to change their MIL plans and have them stay.
2. If that doesn't work, speak to PIL directly (your DH, not you) and say it's just not possible for them to stay and that they need to look at alternative arrangements.
3. Your DH needs to do the above ASAP! The longer he leaves it the more distressing it is for you and the harder it will be to sort out. YOU are the priority. There's no way you should have to put up with house guests just after giving birth or before.
I know it's hard OP, but I really feel you must put your foot down over this. If I was your SIL I would be fighting your corner and doing all I could to ensure they stayed with me.
Good luck and stand your ground!
No I'm just more passive aggressive
You need to break it down for him and totally spell or out. No anger, no shouting just the facts.
His family staying at your family home post c section is not happening. It's a flat no, and you are she need to work out how up say that to pils. If he does not accept that and won't support that....then there is a huge fucking problem. I would let him stew on that and if he won't speak to them I. The next 48 hours, then you will.
People (ILs, DHs) just don't seem to understand the need for a feeling of nesting and privacy that having a newborn brings with it.
Having a newborn and recovery fom a CS is a TERRIBLE time to have a house full of guests unless they are people that you feel a need to have with you. It isn't a question of 'would they put you up?' or their practicalities.
How to get this over to your DH, though.....
In truth, if he is off for 4 weeks and has them in the house I bet he will go stir crazy. And the next thing will be 'well as MIL is here to help, I may as well take on this work project...'
I would never in a million years expect to stay with anyone during the period of birth and newborn. Never!
Sorry you have all this to deal with.
This really does need dealing with ASAP. From your ils pov I would imagine it would be less stressful and cheaper to book this alternative accommodation in advance rather than at the last minute so really you would be doing them a favour by putting your foot down now
You need to stop being so passive and get ACTIVE in all this OP, otherwise this is going to happen whether you like it or not!
TELL your DH it's no happening - no compromises, no negotiations, you WILL NOT have guests in the house. End of. Tell him to pick up the phone and tell them immediately and, if he won't, do it yourself.
If you don't speak up for yourself, none of those selfish twats are going to bother listening to you
Goodness I am worried on your behalf. I rarely comment on threads but this has incensed me.
I am due in mid August and although my inlaws are pretty inoffensive (they are staying in people who take over the sofa and tv when they come to visit) I am worried that they will want to come and stay for a few days immediately when dc2 arrives. They live seven hours away so can't just pop by. I am worrying about just a few days so I can't even imagine what a month or so would be like.
No, no and once again NO!!!!
What everyone else said.
Don't play games. Don't compromise and allow them to come before the birth - they will take advantage of your vulnerable state and just not leave. Don't start justifying yourself by talking about airing ypur c section scar or anything. You are entitled to say no. You are saying no. The end.
It sounds like your DH has a lack of respect for you. There's no way that my DP would ever contemplate inviting people to stay without discussing it with me first, before any invitations are issued.
And expecting that they stay for all the reasons already discussed shows he's putting your needs last when they should be at the top of his priority list.
I think you really are going to have to get vocal and make it clear that it's not happening.
I think the best idea is to speak directly to your ILs, as your DH is clearly not going to challenge them on your behalf. When you do, try this: "I can see you're disappointed, but I need you to understand that you can't stay with us. When you're feeling less upset, we can talk again and maybe I can help you find alternative arrangements".
Do not be emotionally blackmailed - try to stay detached. Easy for me to say, I know.
That's a good point Artex they might just not go - I change my mind about letting them stay at all, easier too to get a let for a slightly longer period I'd imagine.
My dm is a great help with babies, but I remember dh saying he would cut short his PL if she stayed on, as he just wasn't getting a look in regarding looking after the newborn.
Just adding my resounding NO to everyone elses.
If they can afford all the work to the house they can afford to find somewhere to rent for a couple of months.
Or maybe they could do a housesitting job.
But it's their problem, not yours. Your house, your CS, you have the absolute right to refuse.
Oh god I really hope you can sort this out. I am really sorry for you.
I always think about poor ledkr and her legendarily awful pils. She thought she'd laid the law down clearly enough anout when they were to get gone iirc, and they just pleased themselves while her dh looked on like a wet lettuce and she sobbed her heart out
I am still furious with my mil for her tactlessness, nosiness and imposition during the afermath of my dcs' births and she is actually a v nice woman, amateur hour really for mils on here. But she just didn't 'get it', i do wonder if this is a specific thing to mums of only boy babies tbh, who gave birth in a time when people didn't talk much about 'bonding' and the fourth trimester etc, they've not hadthe experience of parenting a pubescent girl then a woman then a pg woman so the wimminz issues part of their brain is still stuck in a time when upu left your baby in a pram down the garden while you got your husband's tea on.
curious you said in your op that you and DH are overseeing the building work?
So could you have a conversation with the builders (cry and explain what you're being threatened with) and see what they can do to change the dates / work around PIL living there / reorder the renovations?
Then present it to PIL as a fait acompli? 'Oh PIL, DH told me what difficulty you are having since BIL has let you down. I know DH suggested staying here but that's obviously completely unworkable. So I have spoken to the builders and you won't need to leave the house at all!' <helpful smile>
Okay, i've written DH an email (best way to contact him at work and get a proper reply. Saying absolutely no way is this happening, I was so looking forward to a month of snuggling on the sofa, taking our daughters to the local park for the babies first outing, DD getting a whole month of daddy, and if you are really telling me that the dog has to go, and I'm going to lose all that time alone with new DD then you'll be staying with them alone because I'll find somewhere else to go.
I said he has to think of an alternative today, as I'm not letting this stress me out any longer, and I'd he doesn't then I'm going to get my mum to speak to them (I think the only person they'll listen to, there's no way me speaking to them will make a difference!) and after having me in tears on the phone this morning, she will not be nice about it.
And this will either lead to an absolutely massive row, or an afternoon of silence I'm sure!
Well done OP. Fingers crossed..
Well done OP. Hope it turns out well
Sugarandspite - we were, I think PIL thought it would be too much. I found a whole lot of contractors, had them round to give quotes, got references, picked one and set a schedule of payments and work, then sorted the dates by which cupboards, tiles, paint colours etc had to be picked and since then they've taken the reigns of it back.
Good for you! Brilliant - stand your ground. Pils sound awful!
Well done. I'm glad you have your mum fighting your corner at least x
Well done, it's in motion now😀
Well done Georgie.
You know if anyone had to be bribed with Sky to babysit their GC, then they just aren't worth another thought-either of them tbh.
OP I've just read this thread. I would be seriously considering whether I would want to make your 'marriage' legal at this point. The lack of consideration from your partner is staggering. He should be fighting your corner and making life as easy as possible for you. Instead, he is prioritising his parents.
If he won't back down, take your child and your dog and rent somewhere else close to your parents for the duration of their visit (if you really can't stay with your parents).
And his parents can fuck off. How can anyone think its reasonable to expect someone to pay for Sky Sports for a whole month just to babysit for an evening.
My DH is usually amazing, helps me so much with DD and works crazy hours so I can be at home with her... His parents are literally his only flaw
That's great that your mum's on side, break out the big guns
My MIL came to help when my ds2 was born the week before last as he was in special care for a week. Day three post partum she had a go at me because my toaster was a bit crumby underneath and said it needed a "jolly good clean"
DO NOT LET THIS HAPPEN!
Did you insert the toaster up her rectum? I would have.
"How can anyone think its reasonable to expect someone to pay for Sky Sports for a whole month just to babysit for an evening. "
But even sadder that it went ahead...
His parents might be his only flaw-but it's a bloody big one.
He's actually being nasty & bullying to you because of them!!
I was on my way to see baby in hospital I managed just to hiss that it really wasn't a priority.
Then flicked rude hand gestures at her in the lounge.
God knows how I managed not to actually keep that toaster away from her arse!
I have to admit it was me who said 'oh let's just buy the bloody sky sports for a month!' because my little brother was the lead in his school play and made me promise to go and the only other people I would leave DD with (my parents, older brother, best friend) were either going to the play or busy!
Pickled that is horrible!!
wow. Only read through page 5 but holy crap. Shall be waiting with bated breath to hear what happens next...
And fwiw, YADNBU!! Absolutely shocking that they'd just assume it was okay once plans fell through with your SIL. Reasonable people know what an imposition it is to be in a house for that long (yes even my own parents) much less that long + pregnant, then new baby, etc.
Well done curious, hope your DH sees that you're not to be messed with on this one
and grows a spine
At least your own mum sounds sane!
I'm horrified by some of the MIL stories on here - we're still trying for our first but I'm already picking up tips, should my own MIL 'turn'!
PS Should add, my MIL is currently one of my favourite people in the world <lucky>
I will admit that I haven't read all 12 pages of the thread yet but I wanted to say I don't think (based on pg 1) that you're being at all unreasonable.
Now to read the next 11 pages to see if my opinion still holds <fingers crossed>
"I couldn't give a flying fuck about the toaster" would have been a perfectly reasonable response.
pickled that was very restrained! I would have been right in mils face givin her finger, it probably would've gone right up her fucking nose!
So, if either you or your mum has a strop at your PILs and they get offended, who will that be a problem for?
If they get offended - result. They won't be visiting until they realise they're not getting to see the new baby, at which point they'll pretend it never happened.
If dh gets upset - tell him to get his priorities right in future so you have no need to offend his parents.
Time to get shouty!
Ok - caught up now and still not at all unreasonable.
How long do you think it will take you to be unpacked in your new home - you being 9 months pregnant and all? Will your DH help unpacking? This all takes time and is part of the nesting process - having inlaws to stay in the nest isn't.
Can the inlaws not use 2 weeks to go on a cheap holiday abroad (in order to top up their suntans ahead of the wedding)? As one of the others has suggested, why don't you get back in contact with the builders and try and rejig the dates - the only times they actually need to be out of their house is when the plumbing/sewage works has to be done and the house is water tight, right? Then they could work around the builders (and vice versa) once that work has been done.
No one has factored in what would happen if you had the baby early. You would then have a new baby, be moving and still have to entertain your inlaws.
I'd need to go on a holiday after that
Oh, and if it's you that talks to them, start with "Unfortunately we are not inviting you to stay because it won't work for us" and counter every response with "*you will not be staying* with us because it is better for us if you don't". The answer to "but where will go" is "I'm too busy to organise that for you".
Oh god... If I have the baby early it will absolutely be a nightmare!! I'm trying to squeeze in every second with DD as it is...
The 2nd spare room we'll have will be the baby's room eventually... I just won't have any time to get it ready which is a bit sad
Bad isnt it. And she made a snitty comment about my breakfast options.
DS didn't spend any time in 'his' room until he was 6mo CG - so don't let that add to your stress at the moment!
Sorry georgie I'm whinging on your thread.
Just say no.
Sorry haven't read all 13 pages.
OP, can you move out ie go stay with a friend or your DM?
Can you hire a caravan?
Can you look at them renting a place?
Can the sil and bil take them when their DM goes home?
I would say you get v emotional and upset when near term/ with a new baby/ establishing breastfeeding so can not have people staying end of.
Just the thought of it would wind me up!
If this were to happen to me I would honestly go and stay with my parents.
It wouldn't happen though. It shouldn't ever happen to a woman with a newborn. Indeed, as I said earlier you shouldn't even have the stress of having to convince your dh to put them off.
Great I see you are being firm - well done!
In the long run (of family relationships) it is by far the most sensible.
It's all about what everybody else wants.
IL's want to have their house done in a certain order.
They don't want to pay to stay somewhere else.
SIL wants to go shopping with her mum.
MIL wants to play with the baby.
DH doesn't want to say no to his parents.
What about what YOU want? You know, the one who will have a newborn and will be recovering from a major surgery?
I really want to shake your DH and tell him that it is never a good idea to take the seemingly easy route of pleasing your difficult mother over your wife. This is especially true when your poor wife is about to give birth and will need time to recover, to bond with the new baby and to get used to the new dynamics of life in a family with two children. (Your DD also needs this time because becoming a big sister is a Very Big Deal). It doesn't make any difference how you're feeding the baby.
Just because his mother stamps her foot and demands that she gets to spend (all her) time with the baby, doesn't mean he should say yes. It sounds very much like his parents can afford to stay in a hotel or a short let (given that they've enough money to remodel their house so they can host a party). They can stay nearby and come and visit for well defined, not too long periods. And MIL could use the kitchen in her short let to make some food to bring you all (because that's what you're supposed to do when visiting families with brand new babies: not impose and be bloody helpful). FIL can be completely useless and watch sky sports while she does.
(It isn't always MILs though; unfortunately the architect of my own horror story was my own mother).
Op, there is a good chance you won't be able to go up and downstairs that often. I managed it once per day after me emcs. You just don't know.
I hope they will all see sense.
I haven't read the whole thread but it seems to me that your MIL has purposely engineered all of this so that it coincides with your delivery date just so that she can be there when the baby is there (sorry if this has already been said). It may be a kill 2 birds with 1 stone situation but its not fair on you.
What annoys me is when mothers are made to feel the least important person in these situations when along with the baby they are the most important.
I haven't got a solution for you but just wanted to add my support.
Good on you for sending that email. Hope it does the job and your DH mans up.
I really really hope your email stops this once and for all - and that you hear no more about it. Of course the ultimate goal is that PILs don't come, but I'm fearful that both your DH and them are going to resent you as a result of you - more than justifiably - putting your foot down. The best possible scenario is that DH realises how unfair they've all been to you, apologises profusely with much grovelling and a big bunch of flowers and makes it very very clear to his parents that them not coming is a joint decision. I'll keep my fingers crossed that that happens.
partly skim read the thread.
I like your e-mail - to the point and clear. I would also be saying a loud 'No' to this. You don't need to justify or explain. You are having major abdominal surgery and have a 2yo to deal with as well that in itself let alone adding a hosue move tot he mix.
Could you get a note from your doctor or something? A HCP might 'forbid' them coming and then no-one in the family is to blame or loses face.
Have been keeping an eye on this thread all day. I hope you're ok op and ww3 hasn't broken out following your email.
Have you spoken to your mw about the situation? Maybe she could have a stern word in Dh's ear?
YANBU. I would never agree to it. ILs never stay with us, luckily we don't have the room but other relatives do. I am still resentful that they were round almost all the time with DC1 though and didn't want to help me but to take the baby for themselves. Do not agree to it. You don't have to at all.
I never usually post on AIBU but in this case can't sit back. YADNBU! I hope it is all resolved calmly after your email to DH.
yanbu - at all!
Actually, exactly why to the PILs need to be out of their house whilst the building work goes on? We had work done that required the entire back of the house to be taken off, and we had no kitchen for a month. We still managed to live in the house. It was summer (rained a lot though), so not very cold, and we set up a temporary kitchen in another room. It was fine, a bit dusty. Surely some parts of their house will be liveable-in?
yanbu and nice they can afford to renovate, they need to factor in hotel fees to.
Also don't Offerti help find them accommodation or anything it's not your concern. They chose to be in this position so they need to sort it out. You have enough on your plate!
No real update yet... DH sent me an email back saying that we would talk about it later... But that could literally just mean that he's snowed under at work.
He won't be home for 2 hours yet, then DD has to get ready for bed so I'm not sure resolution will be forthcoming!
Curious - get prepared now - get on line, research some short term lets that are available, the prices etc. That's your solution, if PIL want to do something different, that's fine, but you are presenting a solution to them.
I send don'tmind prepare now
Yes, go to homeaway.co.uk and see if you can find a small 1 bed flat, or a b&b somewhere.
You don't need a resolution, you just need him to accept that this is not happening.
And don't offer any "solutions".
Doing that means accepting that this is your problem.
It is not.
It is their problem to sort out for themselves.
Like any competent, wealthy couple without any significant family responsibilities would.
Dh's best friend came to stay for 4 days when DS1 was 6 weeks old & I STILL haven't forgiven either of them.
I was too stunned FROM JUST HAVING HAD A BLOODY BABY to say no.
I couldn't breast feed infront of him, we had a difficult latch and I just couldn't face it infront of anyone else & gave up feeding altogether. I still couldn't go the the loo comfortably. We had to entertain him, feed him, go out to the pub.
And after all that said we were really boring
he's just had his first, and I am sooo tempted to turn up with my kids and demand he entertain us. See, still bitter
That 'We'll talk about it' sounds ominous to me. No, he should listen to you !
Umm...so the point of that was YANBU, tell them no.
I'm sure it's been suggested but can you get YOUR mum to suddenly be visiting? DH doesn't know as you told him ages ago and he didn't register it...iyswim ? <evil>
Reply to him now.
No need to talk about it later, they are NOT staying.
Reply as follows:
No dearheart, we will not talk about it later. It is not happening. End transmission.
I'd be tempted to e-mail back - There is nothing to talk about - they are not staying. Possibly included links to holiday lets - in the e-mail as well to demonstrate his parents have other options.
But he could just be busy at work and not wanting to talk/think about the issue at the minute.
Or ' I will not talk about it anymore - they are NOT staying here, and that's the end of it'
I would wait until he gets home - he could be busy.
The I would say that there is no 'talk' about it. The answer is no.
The only suggestion I'd be making would be that since they are citing "new grandchild" as a (fake) reason for not being able to afford to house themselves during the extensive, expensive renovations, that the best money they could spend on the new arrival would be the gift of being born into a tranquil home.
ie that they should free up the "new grandchild" money to pay for their accommodation, without any help from you.
Oh YADWNBU I would email d?h now ith. N
No we won't be talking about it I've told You it's not happening! the only people you need to talk to are your parents to make sure they understand, or I can get my mum to do it for you if you are too feckin chicken .
But then I am a bolshie cow: )
I really don't think the nature of the relationship would come into it for me, even if I got on brilliantly with someone I wouldn't want them living with me in the month after a new baby is born, no way.
Yeah i love my mum, but i'd be ready to kill her after the first day.
You can't let him steam roller you into talking. I agree with auntpetunia, you need to tell him there is nothing to talk about and it's not happening or he's going to try and steam roller you.
"Because they need the work to finish before they go away for BIL's wedding and are hosting a party / reception there for people who were unable to fly to the wedding the week they get back. This is what initially promoted all the work."
And for THAT ^ - that piddling piece of snobby look-at-us-playing-the-gracious-generous-parents/PIL pomposity - they want YOU to host them at a time that is very special for you? <splutters with anger> And your fuckwitted husband is backing them up? If they want to play the-gracious-generous-parents/PIL, then they can play it to YOU and just fuck off elsewhere while you get some privacy and time with your newborn.
Having had a c section I can say I was a crazy scary woman after it and felt like stabbing anyone who darkened my door, and that was only brief visitors.
The thought of hosting for other people on my house makes me feel very stressed and angry I just couldn't do it under any circumstances .
I've 2 weeks till my due date and love my own space just now so for the sake of your sanity OP tell them to bugger off.
Something like that could trigger off post natal depression.
The OP could just refuse to leave the hospital till they have gone maybe
Why can't they defer the whole building project until after BIL/SIL's wedding?
I second the motion of sending a reply to DH saying
'There will be nothing to discuss later as your parents are NOT staying here. I have tried to explain the reasons to you, but you have disregarded my welfare/feelings in favour of pleasing your parents.
If you don't care about my well being and the well being of your unborn child, by putting me through all this stress, then I am taking care of myself.
This is non-negotiable. The answer is NO!
If you don't tell your parents that they will have to make other arrangements, then I will take matters into my own hands.'
curious I do realise that it is easier for all of us to say this but much harder for you to do, but if you don't stand up to DH and PIL now, they will always take advantage. Read some of the other 'evil mil' threads on here to see what you could be in for.
Lots of luck..... Be strong! We're all rooting for you and for a favourable outcome
Whereyouleftit - this is a good point, if your SIL and BIL want the work done so your PIL can host an event for them, then they should put up PILs, if not then PIL should put the work back. Or pay for venue hire if that would be cheaper than renting a place for a month while they have the work done.
Skygirls said what I was going to say.
If they can afford all this work they can afford a temporary let or a hotel
You cannot be expected to deal with this.
Your BIL and SIL need to GET A GRIP
I suspect PIL as dodgy/useless merely from the fact that they are assuming they're coming for A MONTH virtually before the baby's born.
I mean, come on.
So how do you get rid? Can you partly bin them - offer them a week, say. Or could you tell them you simply won't be well enough to take guests?
Maybe just ask BIL for his ideas - because dumping on you wasn't his greatest yet.
Hope you have had a good talk OP
Watching with interest. I've been on your behalf all day OP. Hope you find some resolution tonight.
You could try calling BIL back yourself. Explain that there is no chance that you will be able to accommodate the PIL at that time so BIL needs to find another plan, as it's his plans that have changed.
Between them they can rethink PIL's renovation dates, whether SIL's mum stays at the same time, whether PIL moves out, or whether the wedding is hosted somewhere other than PIL's house- but the one thing that cannot be moved is the birth of your child. Everything else can be worked around, but the baby cannot hang on for wedding favours to be chosen, or the patio to be finished.
Where does SIL's mum live? Can PIL house sit at SIL's mum's house?
I am so angry on your behalf that they have even contemplated intruding on you at this time and that your DH is in agreement.
There is no need to stay with you for a month. We had our house rewired while I was pregnant - I stayed with my parents for 3 days and DH stayed in our house. We had central heating put in with a newborn and only our bedroom was habitable. It was doable and none of us decamped.
Blimey, they could borrow a tent and camp in their garden! What they cannot do is stay with you. It sounds as though they haven't even considered other options - just want to swoop in on your newborn.
Hope you get reassurance tonight that this will not happen.
OP this thread has made me so cross on your behalf.
Really hope your 'D'H sees sense tonight.
It is not in any way your problem that your PIL don't have anywhere to stay. They have oodles of options, they just don't want to take them.
And saying they can't postpone/change the schedule of work on the house because it would impact on SIL's post-wedding party - just Fuck the fucking wedding party - if it's so important to SIL then she can host them while the fecking work is done!!
I think you need to stand your ground. You don't get to experience having a baby very often in a lifetime and you need to feel comfortable in your own home.
Get your DH to man up and have words with them. Hopefully if they are reasonable, they will take the hint and understand. If they can afford to get all this work done on the house surely they can afford a hotel for a few weeks.
My husband, when newly single and we were in early stages of dating, was thrown out of his brother's house by his pregnant wife just before Christmas as she wanted her own space back. ( and no I didn't let him stay at mine - it was way too soon) He still whinges about it but I totally get why she did it.
Pregnancy card trumps everything else me thinks!
`i really hope you have managed to hash this out with DH and come to some sort of agreement.
Poor you. I have had 2 c-sections. House guests? No farking way.
Wow just realised ho long this thread is. I only read the first page!!! hope you sort soon xx
Not much to add as I agree with everyone else - YADNBU!
Just hope your h starts to see it too.
I hope you have some support you can rely on in real life op. Someone to back you up.
Also, does your h have a friend with children who could point out how ridiculous the idea is?
Goodness me YANBU.
I agree with others. No is a complete sentence.
Tell your DH that no-one, anywhere, agrees with him. And I don't give a flying wotsit how much his DM wants to play with the baby. As I have had to remind my own mother on more than one occasion, SHE IS NOT A TOY!
Really cross for you OP. Hope you get it sorted.
I think you do need to talk to your dh about it. You need to tell him exactly how he has made you feel by his behaviour over this. That's what you need to talk about. Have a good think about exactly how he has made you feel and tell him. Don't hold back. Don't feel you have to control your emotions, be rational, consider his feelings etc. Just go for it, get it all out there. He really needs to know that this matters to you. He needs to think about who he loves.
NO NO NO NO NO!!! YNBU. What a dreadful situation. I've just had DS3, if my ils / DH had even suggested this crazy idea I think I may have exploded. That said, as another MNetter pointed out, it's easy for us to say this, not so easy in RL. I sincerely wish you the best of luck and think it's very unfair that you seem to be the one sorting it out
and they say that men rule the world, my arse do they I think there's been a lot of good suggestions on here. Not least showing your husband this thread!
Shamelessly waiting to find out. OP I hope your talk went ok and YANBU btw
No, no and thrice no! Stand firm and we are behind you.
Has he answered? NO. Just NO. Stick to your guns.
YADNBU! I second Tarka's suggestion - confirmation from a friend of his who has been in this position, or (failing that) a medical professional who could explain about CS recovery and PND might help if flat refusal gets you nowhere...?
Op where in the country are you? I'll have pil to stay if it gets you out of this mess.
I hope your dh sticks up for you OP. How dare he ignore your right to have who you want in your home! Good plan to involve your mum. At least she's on your side.
Right... I'm typing a long response!
YANBU and I seriously think SIL and BIL have a bit of a cheek. All this work on PILS house is for their benefit so they can have a party there. So seems reasonable that they put PILS up or find an alternative solution. Your house is not an option.
Just one point re bottle feeding - it doesn't mean that anyone can do it! It's still your choice and your bonding opportunity with your baby. Other nums I know were very firm that only they and their DH were to feed the baby, bottle or not. My DGC were at least 2 months old before I could feed them. Fair enough to my mind.
And as a mum and a MiL, you cannot allow this. They either postpone or build into the budget for a cottage. They may be disappointed but that is nothing to how you're going to feel. It's extremely unreasonable to even consider it.
God no. No way. You did the right thing, sending that email.
The thing that concerns me is that you're treating this as a problem you have to resolve. You don't. They asked. The answer's no. Now they have to work out what to do. It's not your job to figure out what they should do. It's theirs.
They haven't actually asked, have they? I think you need to go with "we are not inviting you" "you will not be staying with us" "mmm, shame" "mmm, how difficult for you" "mmm, dear dear"
Yes, NannyOgg, my mother after having difficulties BF her first five DC, decided to go with FF from the start with number six.
She wouldn't let anyone else feed her, for the first few months, and given there were two other adults and a 13 and 12 yo living in the house, she was wise, because she might have been lucky to feed her once a day!
DH had a call from BIL yesterday to say basically that he was getting it in the ear from SIL about how much she had to do for the wedding, and it being in another country was really hard (it's where she's from), so BIL tried to placate her by suggesting her mum comes here for a bit, they get lots of wedding stuff organised and then her mum can go home and put stuff in place, so to speak. Except 'mummy' was so excited to come and visit that she just bought herself an open ended ticket and sprung on them that she was staying so long. BIL said they would have to tell her she couldn't come for so long, and SIL (thanks!) said no way, Georgie & DH can have your parents, I want my mum here, my wedding is really important and I don't get to see my mum that much etc etc.
So BIL told PIL that they would be staying with us, and that it would be fine because we will have extra room because we would have moved, and that MY PARENTS 'pushed them all out so much when DD was born, that it would be good for them to be here when I have DD2, so they get a turn! I'm really seething about this bitching about my parents. They didn't push anyone out... They brought meals round, or my mum came and took washing home, and they came and took the dog for a long run etc, but they didn't stay and they work full time so they probably actually saw DD less than PIL and BIL. The only difference is that I had my mum at the hospital.
DH thinks his parents are going to be really upset, essentially, at not being wanted by SIL or me and hes trying to fix that.
Other reasons include : MIL doesn't want to go anywhere but here or SIL's because she has clubs with her friends a couple of nights a week and she wants to be able to easily travel to them and she apparently can't from anywhere else.
We will have an extra bathroom (than BIL) so they can have their own. And SIL ( though we're not supposed to tell her this!) expects them to do too much babysitting.
I've put my foot down, said no way, read him some thread, and we've had a massive row that everyone is horrible to his parents and he can't possibly let me upset them any more. I'm blowing this all out of proportion, they will be really helpful and it will mean that the house will get sorted quicker, DD won't get left out and his parents will get to see 'this baby'
I said that I wouldn't stop them seeing her but they are not coming here, at all.
So he's pissed off and gone for a run.
And that's about it.
Sorry! That was really long!
stay strong, you are doing well in sticking to your guns
no one thinking about you AGAIN
Stick to your guns ( and give BiL a right earful when you next see him)..
I think the nastiness re your parents is enough to put your foot down even further to be honest.
I actually want to maim your bil and sil.
Stay strong op, you're doing fantastically.
your ILs obviously don't like being asked to help, do they?
And again, she's not a toy.
Stay strong curious. We're all with you.
Yet again he is thinking of his mum over you
Stick to your guns, whenever he mentions it calmly repeat that it isn't happening, and if he starts bleating about "poor mummy" remind him that as she isn't the one having major abdominal surgery and having a baby, that you take priority.
Oh and how precious is SIL being about her wedding! She certainly needs to find her grip.
Refuse to discuss it anymore, if they keep on, get your mum on the case, because that whole shitty family is taking you for a fucking mug, whilst pregnant, moving and covering from surgery.
Show this to your DH.
Grow up love, and listen to your wife, shes having a shit time now because of you, man up and tell mummy or daddy to find somewhere else. Or do you prefer your wife and unborn under lots of stress, does a stressed mother and baby mean less to you, if thats the case, you need a stern talking too.
Also both DH and BIL sound like wet blankets.
Good stuff, sounds like you handled it well (ie telling him where to go).
DH is never usually like this. He's usually a brilliant husband and really sticks up for me. He even had an argument with my mum once about DD's controlled crying and she is seriously scary
That's what's making this so frustrating. It's like he actually cant see my side and really thinks I'm in the wrong.
See, SIL can say "no way" and BIL accepts. Because of a
party wedding. You're having a baby!
Or could try the same approach, tell PILs that you've discussed it at home and they're staying with BIL after all. It will be fine, surely SIL can just send mum home earlier, or she can sleep on the sofa. Wonder how BIL and SIL would like that..
Also BIL listens to his bridezilla wife, can you learn from her?
She's an Irish force to be reckoned with! Clearly I can't compete!!
While he is out for his run, now would be a good time to phone the PIL and tell them that you're not sure what BIL has been saying, but you are definitely not inviting them to stay with you, because you're moving house and having major surgery and you won't be having any guests at all, no matter how lovely/helpful etc.
Then print this thread off and leave it by the kettle and go to bed.
Oh, and tell him the wedding is off until he has convinced you that you are the most important woman in his life.
I think the run may be a good idea. Hopefully he'll use it to think rationally & come round to your way of thinking. I think you can win this one. Keep saying how much you like his parents, how fun it will be for DD to go on days out with them, etc, but you dont want to ruin your relationship with them by resenting them for being there for those precious bonding days.
Oh God, NO. Don't do it. Don't, don't, DON'T!
You will be
exhausted, leaking, irritable, tearful, bleeding, raging at any nearby human being, sweating, most probably have your boobs out 24/7 really want your privacy and time to revel in the bliss of your new baby and toddler. Seriously, don't.
Displaced PILS + Post-partum family = A Recipe For Disaster.
Good luck with your new baby though! .
You never get that time back [bitter]
I do sympathise with your DH - your BIL and SIL have deliberately put the pair of you in a horrible position for the sake of their own convenience, and they've heaped the blame on "Georgie's side" rather than "Georgie and her DH" in the knowledge that he won't want to do anything that will put him out of favour with his folks (like standing up for you, AKA the decent and reasonable thing).
It seems to be a "shit rolls downhill" situation - your PIL have made themselves intentionally homeless for what will probably amount to 3 months, got you (in your capacity as unofficial project managers) to turn it into your BIL and SIL's problem, so your BIL and SIL consider themselves justified in turning it over to you. Only they can't, because A) nobody can demand that their offspring provide them with 3 months worth of UNNECESSARY free accommodation when it is inconvenient to them, as your PIL intend to; B) nobody has the right to foist that responsibility onto a family member without their consent, as your BIL and SIL have attempted to do to you; and C) even in dire straits, the house of a heavily pregnant woman/post op woman with a newborn, a dog and a small child who will already be struggling with a huge shift in the family dynamic is THE VERY LAST PLACE anybody should resort to staying, unless they are invited sincerely and spontaneously!
Stand firm, OP - and good luck .
Curious - when he comes back in, tell him that you are giving him one last chance. You won't mention it again, but if he moves your parents in you move out. You will go to your mums for the birth and first few weeks of this DCs life until they are gone and he really wants to think if he thinks either it's worth the damage that will do to his relationship with this child, or the fact that it's highly unlikely your marriage will survive this. Refuse to discuss again, beyond saying "you know what I'll do if you don't stand up for our family." stick to your guns.
The root of this problem lies with your bil and sil, they are the ends who have changed plans and pushed out your mil.
So, what happens to your parents in law is their problem not yours.
How on earth can her mother plan a wedding that will be in Ireland from England? That's madness anyway
I'm really pissed off about all the bitching about my parents. They paid for BIL & SIL to come to our wedding abroad six years ago, they send them gifts for their baby, they always include PIL... When it's Christmas or mothers day or anything like that they always invite them...
I feel so bad on their behalf.
he actually cant see my side and really thinks I'm in the wrong
My dh often feels I'm in the wrong about his family, or hormonal, or mad, or something. But he sees that I am unhappy and is willing to change things to make me happy, even if he can't see why I'm so bothered. Obviously, we compromise and don't always do things my way - unless I'm pregnant, having surgery, that kind of thing. Then its my way or the highway.
Tell him you've booked him in for a vasectomy next week, and your mum is coming to stay, and you're going away to visit friends, and he will have to look after your mum and dd straight after surgery. Oh and your mum will want to know all the details. And help him wash. And is that ok?
That's just fucking ridiculous. I'd have steam coming out of my ears. Your dh is being a right twat, I hope he comes to his senses.
Who was that mner who made her pils sleep in a tent in the garden? I remembered that thread just now, that was hilarious.
Oh and yes, I would definitely phone your ILs and tell them in no uncertain terms that, regardless of whatever BIL has told them, the enormous stress and disruption of the house move followed by major surgery, the new baby, your daughter's needs and your dog means that you absolutely can't have them to stay at all. You would, however, love to see them once a week for day visits...
I agree with don'tmind.
It is unfeasible that this can happen. If your PIL can afford to spend many tens of thousands on remodelling their house, they can afford to rent a flat for a few months. If they genuinely can't afford it, they need to choose which part of the renovation to forgo to enable them to afford it.
Ah, so MIL wants to stay at yours so that HER daily life wont get interrupted too much....
It sounds as though SIL didn't really want her inlaws staying either and was railroaded into it by her husband and took the first "get out of gaol free" card she was handed.
Staying with relatives for weeks on end was never a good solution to their housing problem. It's a shame SIL and BIL didn't make this clear earlier but they have now.
Yest the inlaws are unwanted, but that's because one of their children is getting married and the other is having a baby. They need to sort out their own accommodation problems and not be an unwanted guest at a difficult time.
They could still cancel all the extra garden stuff and do it later and just spend a short time in a caravan.
Google short-let (e.g. holiday, business etc) accommodation locally.
Print out the list, saying that since, unfortunately, BIL & SIL have refused to have PIL by inviting another guest, and that it is impossible for them to stay with you because you are having major surgery and will need appropriate recovery time, then these are the accommodation options open to them.
Sorry you are having such a time of it.
If your dh really is normally great
and on the evidence of this thead we will just have to take your word for it! then perhaps he has to realise that sometimes you can't understand someone else.
He is not female. Or pregnant. Or about to have a major operation. Or going through, and about to go through, the enormous hormonal upheavals that pregnancy/childbirth/post-partem involve. So perhaps he actually is unable to see your side.
But as you are his wife he has to accept that that's his problem - that he cannot understand. And he has to believe you and trust you about what you want and need, and stick by that and do his best to give you what you want and need at this time. His relationship to you trumps, in this instance (ie it's not life and death) his responsibilities towards his parents/sibling/the rest of the world.
Good luck in sticking to your needs. If you allow him and his family to impose this on you it could actually have major repercussions on your marriage, as you will never know when he will let you down next (and nb what someone posted above about stress adding to the possibility of pnd).
This is obviously very important to your DH and he's thinking that because he hardly asks anything from you normally, that he's built it up so he's within reason to force the point.
That would be perhaps understandable if he wanted you to go out for a meal with your PIL or stay have them round for the weekend, but for WEEKS ON END??
He's being totally and utterly unreasonable.
And your BIL and SIL foisting this on you is fucking shocking who the fuck do they think they fucking are??
The whole situation is outlandish, the way you're being treated is worse than shit on their shoes.
Please try not to let it affect how you look back on the end of your DD2s pregnancy, don't let them have that.
And don't let them railroad you into doing their bidding. You're a person in your own right (and they really don't seem to recognise this) and have a choice about who stays in your home and for how long.
Good luck <hug>
They CANT cancel the garden stuff.
The whole reason they are remodeling their house is because their son is getting married overseas, and they are going to host a party after the event for all those that dont go overseas to the wedding, remember? They are creating a show home for ONE event (mostly) so the garden cant be foul.
I bet the garden will be the focal point for an August party.....
Oh, and from what i've read of the thread - call your PIL and say that you are terribly sorry, there has been a misunderstanding. You are not, and never have been, in a position to have them to stay, because of the act you are having a baby.
You are, of course, terribly sorry, but you know that they will completely understand that it is impossible, and express huge regret that BIL / SIL have misled them so badly by saying that you could.
Ask sweetly whether they would like help researching alternative accommodation, and s-mail them suitable details...
Your sil is not thinking straight either.
She is getting her mum to come to Britain, so that they together can sort a wedding that happens, in her native home! Can she not go home and sort it with her mum in the place where the wedding is supposed to take place?
Your inlaws are all bonkers.
Hang on... your BIL told his parents that they could come and stay with you WITHOUT ASKING YOU FIRST?????
Did I read that right?
Dear Mr Curious.
What planet are you on?
How dare you and your family lay this stress and guilt-trip on your soon-to-be wife?
Have you any idea what you are asking of her? To move home, look after a toddler, face major surgery, all the while accommodating your parents.
She will have no privacy, bonding time or close family time with you and your two children. She will have leaky boobs, be having to change sanitary towels every five minutes, want to lay naked on the sofa to help her wound heal.need to have long baths to relieve some soreness, struggle with her bowel movements, have midwives and HV in and out to 'inspect' her nethers. She'll be hugely hormonal, be up most of the night with baby and need to rest (when possible) during the day.
She won't want MIL interfering with feeding or other routines. She might have behavioral problems with DD and not want your parents overseeing and judging her discipline methods.
She might want to watch crap on TV or allow DD too much CBeebies - certainly not sky sports.
Your parents' presence will be dtifling, uncomfortable and make the possibility of PND more likely.
Your marriage will suffer, as will her relationship with your parents.
Is all that worth it?
AAAAGH! What a nightmare. He needs to man up. YOU'RE his family now and should be his top priority.
Clam you read it right, who else wants to kick him hard in knackers....thats after inserting something up DH arse.
First I'd ring bil and say 'how dare you presume to invite anyone to stay in my home for months on end, go fuck yourself, I'm not going to your fucking wedding you obnoxious twit, I want nothing to do with you again, stay out of my life'.
Then ring your pil 'you're not staying here, I was so looking forward to spending time bonding with this new baby but now I'm so stressed because you're trying to inflict yourselves on me, you're not welcome to squat here, dh will be living with you before that happens.'
Get all this anger, stress and frustration out on them, don't take it and let it endanger your health and that of your baby. As for your selfish dickhead dh, tell him you will get rid of him before enduring his parents.
Have nothing to do with anybody in this situation bil, pil, your dh until they apologise to you. That's how you get what you need when dealing with selfish, inconsiderate, obnoxious bastards, you have to be a bigger bitch, dig your heels in and mean it.
Oh, and send SIL a text to say that all your long-lost relatives from Siberia are coming over for the birth and thank-you soooo much for her kind offer to have them all to stay, they won't mind sleeping on the living-room floor at all, so generous of her.
You may as well have some fun with SIL
Or what Zebra said, of course ...
I also have a troubled relationship with my diffcult in laws. What I find always works is to say to DH, firmly, " You deal with it or I will. No argument, no discussion. if it isn't dealt with by X, I will take matters into my own hands."
Funny, but he always does deal with it.
This sounds like a horrible urban legend, told to terrify pregnant women... Except it's true!
Your BIL is the biggest dick I have ever heard of.
Well done for saying no.
No offence whatsoever to you teacherwith2kids, but I much prefer zebras response
These people need telling with an accompanying kick up the arse, and you're too lovely and nice (not that you aren't nice zebra )
So BIL suggested MIL play dollies? How fucking dare he!
It is a huge no from me too. DH would be locked out when he tries to come home after his run.
Look for private landlords in your area - they might have a property that they don't mind letting for a short term let in between tenants. That would be cheaper than a holiday let and they'll be closer when dd2 arrives.
Tell dh he needs to sort it as he is risking causing big problems all round. It is for him and bil to sort. Sil is not urgent and not up for discussion so why should your more difficult situations be any less?
The two sons need to find a fix which does not include their homes and need to ensure pil are happy.
Don't look for anything... fuck em!
I'd be at my parents if this wasn't sorted, give them another turn!
Do your BIL and SIL have children?
I think you need to plan for something to happen to PILs house in the future that renders it inhospitable timed nicely with your SIL having her PFB so they have to go stay with them.
I can't believe the cheek. I would be fuming with your BIL as well, how dare he make judgements about the time your parents and PIL spent with your DC1 and how dare he tell them they can stay with you without checking first
Your BIL is a twat
SIL and BIL are parents?! so they know what the newborn stage is like! Bastards!
If you aren't bf then IMHO your postnatal bonding time will be even more important. You won't have the hormonal dope that bfers get, or the natural assistance with uterine shrinking. Having your baby within inches of you at all times will be even more important to give you the faintest hope of an easy recovery.
I am still cross about this, but it is all aimed at BIL, DH and the PILs. SIL isn't related to them and she's trying to get married. I will acquit her of cuntery in favour of blinkeredness.
AnnabelKarma, I take your approach as well. I much more direct than DH in general whereas he is much more diplomatic. It works really well.
OP, so sorry that you are having to deal with this shit. Your BIL is such as arse, how dare he. He really needs another one ripping, and I never say that.
I have had 2 CSs and I couldn't face 3 days of ILs staying (even when I haven't had abdominal surgery and they are pretty nice). Don't allow this to happen. Good luck.
I havant read through whole thread; but I just wanted to say that I had the most precious relaxed wonderful time with my baby after a section because I was determined to do it my way this time.
You are in control of your life, you are the only person in your life who will fight best for your interests, just as everyone around you is fighting for thier own interests.
I am calm, my baby is notably to everyone how calm she is, all is calm and wonderful.
I did it My way.
I had the baby - I had the operation, I put myself first.
SIL knew what she was doing too! If anything, she as a parent should know that a wedding (or planning one) does not trump birth.
Fucking hell, what utter cockwits
I'll be right behind you in the queue GregBishop.
So they are already parents? Then your BIL is even more of a twat, you can't even blame it on not knowing what a new baby is like
Seriously, that whole family makes me shudder, such inconsiderate wankers.
'everyone is horrible to his parents and he can't possibly let me upset them any more. I'm blowing this all out of proportion, they will be really helpful and it will mean that the house will get sorted quicker, DD won't get left out and his parents will get to see 'this baby' '
You are about to give birth via a major operation! It isn't about them.
He needs to man the fuck up! I would print this thread out and let him read it. What a fuckwit!
Everything expat just said!! OP have you sadi to your husband just simply - what about me??
He seems to have everyone elses needs covered except yours!!
I am fuming for you!!!
I would be looking at getting them into a mobile home or caravan, a holiday let or even a bedsit somewhere in the village.
Premier Inn or Travel lodge - one of them has their summer sale starting today. Go and make a block booking now whilst the rooms are cheap!
They've got it all worked out for you! I can't believe other (BIL and SIL) parents can inflict this. The timing is very suspicious indeed. I can still remember by the hour how some of my relatives overstayed their welcome when I was newly delivered. Not that I'm bitter years later. I can understand the men in this not appreciating the gravity of your situation fully, but not your MIL or SIL.
Unfortunately there seems to be a thread a week where an expectant mother is being trampled on and her privacy and peace being thrown aside.
What thezebra said.
Your husband is failing you and your children, it's that simple.
I would have no more to do with his horrible poisonous family.
You say your DH is generally a good husband, and I don't see any reason to doubt that he's a likely husband because of this.
He is wrong, obviously, the bottom line is that you are having a baby and you get to dictate what happens in your home. And that's that. He knows this really, but it's going to be very very hard for him to tell his parents because he knows they will feel deeply hurt. He's trying to avoid having to tell them. I don't think that's because he doesn't care about you more than his parents, it just means he's trying to avoid a situation that will be horrible for himself instead of a situation that will be horrible for you.
When he finally gets his head round that, I wouldn't be too harsh on him.
Don't look for private landlords, don't google short term lets, don't print stuff off from the Internet and hand it out...
This housing crisis is Not Your Problem. Your problem is your
milk livered maggot pie dh and imminent house move and c section.
Good grief, this was making me hyperventilate with stress just reading it!
You are completely in the right. I'm glad your DH is normally a terrific partner but right now he is completely in the wrong.
I am SO GLAD you are standing your ground. Your DH is going to have to calm down and reexamine statements like "everyone is horrible to my parents especially curious's parents are horrible to them and I can't have it" etc., as that is (as you've demonstrated) horseshit.
And I also think he should speak sharply to BIL and SIL for 1) just calling the PILs and informing them that your house is apparently a hotel with guaranteed vacancies and 2) insulting your parents to the PILs in order to get them to want to stay with you and not feel offended that BIL and SIL are refusing them! Seriously, I cannot imagine putting up with that kind of manipulation from my husband's family. What the fuck. Your DH is going to have to let go of this ohshitohshitmypoorparents reaction and actually deal with what is happening. Good luck.
I agree, CloudsAndTrees - although, as several people have already pointed out, this situation will really be horrible for all concerned if the PIL stay with Georgie's family, purely because the plan is totally unrealistic. Spending 8 weeks with relatives even under ideal circumstances (i.e. no major disruptions, enough space, willing hosts, guests can leave early if they want etc) would be challenging, and the building work is likely to make the arrangement much more drawn out and open-ended which will be a source of stress and friction in itself. Add in the OP's circumstances and the current family politics and the situation is likely to make PIL even the DH miserable, but it will be too late for anybody to do anything about it...
Thanks everyone. I'm going to just keep saying no and see what comes of it!
Unfortunately Ive just realised I'm going to have to see them all this weekend regardless as there's a family birthday (not one of them) Sunday night!
Georgie, just keep saying "Its not gonna be a good time, BIL shouldnt have presumed it was possible" and leave it at that.
You shouldnt have the weight of their choices on your shoulders.
Georgie, I really don't lie the sound of your husband from all of this. Please show him this thread and explain I am a woman in her mid 50s who has her won kids and a successful marriage. He is heading for the rocks in his own of he doesn't get a grip.
Mil doesn't want to miss clubs that she has twice a week?
What? Are there no b&b's/ hotels where you live that would be just as close? I find that very hard to believe!
BIL crapping on your parents?? WTF!! None of his business
And actually, it's your mother who raised you. Of course you would be closer to her and feel comfortable with helping you out. When I had dc1&2, my mum came to stay......she did everything for me-cook, clean, wash clothes, watch baby so I could have a shower. Also, with my mum, I could have my tits out and walk around half naked....because she is MY mother not my MIL!!!
Why is everyone being horrible to pil? Err because they don't have a thought for anyone else
DH wants them to have a turn with this baby?
Not their right. As grandparents, they take the back seat. You get to say when they get to visit.
Why is your DH now not standing up for you when he usually does?
If DH still doesn't get it, I would as other posters have suggested, go to your MW, GP or HV and get them to write that in their medical opinion it would be in the best interests of your and your baby's health that you are not subjected to this level of stress as it could lead to post natal depression.
I can't understand why PILs don't have the decency to leave you be
DH needs to seriously consider what he's standing to lose(you and the 2 DCs) if he pushes this. His parents should not have a higher priority than you and the children, EVER!
I'm so sorry for you georgie that you have to deal with this in what should be happy days for you. DO NOT BACK DOWN! DO NOT GIVE IN!
Well it'll probably be quite awkward this weekend, but it'll be a good opportunity (if you can manage it) to be cheery and breezy and no nonsense and show them that you are not going to act like you should be ashamed for behaving badly, because you haven't done anything wrong, and no hard feelings, what a silly misunderstanding ha ha ha
...and then corner bil and tell him if he ever pulls any of this shit again it will be the last thing he ever does and no one will ever find his body. <big cheery smile>
Or BIL hanging from Tower Bridge by a butt plug firmly wedged up his arse.
CuriousGeorgie you have balls of steel and a good head on your shoulders, that's all I can say. You have been fabulous in dealing with this very awkward situation. Kudos to you seriously many of us would have caved in to the pressure.
Your PILs should be finding a place to rent and not expecting their heavily pregnant DIL to look after them. If they can afford extensive renovations to their house they should have budgeted for alternative accomodation. Your DH needs to know that what he is asking you to do is too much and it is not good for your marriage, you need to be looking after yourself when you are heavily pregnant/just had a baby.
I feel quite stressed for you OP.
Have you had a C section before? Mine was fine and I'd have another tomorrow. But I didn't do stairs for about two weeks after which meant sleeping in our downstairs spare room. You are not going to want to go upstairs to a bedroom to feed. It'd also be very isolating.
I would make it quite clear to MIL/DH that you are not comfortable BFing in front of your FIL all day and won't be able to climb stairs. Absolutely don't have them to stay after the birth.
Bloody nora. I feel pissed off for you. Flabbergasted at the gall of you BIL/PIL. Stay strong
I would take the opportunity at the weekend to speak directly to the PILs to say that they can't stay.
You have to make them understand that it is completely insensitive to come and stay after you've just had major surgery, which will take at least 6 weeks to recover from.
Your DH saying they'll be helpful is delusional. I actually think that by saying that, he's trying to convince himself that it will be the case, but he knows it won't be.
GOOD LUCK! Sending you strength to fight your corner!!
I ended up with a C section with my DD, my recovery was good as they go I think but I was able to just sit and do nothing with DD cuddled up to me watching rubbish tv
Georgie, has your DH actually told your PILs they can't stay yet? If he hasn't and doesn't before this weekend, then if they bring it up then it's your opportunity to look blank and say "But of course you realise that's a ridiculous idea, who would do that?" and act as if you think they are joking.
Thats what you need, you cant lounge around, in slouchy PJs and nothing, if you got tv hoggers around.
georgie did DH say anything else when he came back from his run?
Is he still being
an arse stubborn?
Really feel for you but stand your ground.
Email DH, BIL/SIL and IL's and state the final facts so that there is no confusion and it's out in the open, don't put the issue up for discussion though.
Say you have decided you are not having any house guests while heavily pregnant or with new born. Then email some links to various caravan holidays/local rooms to let. Say you understand that they want to save money by staying with you but more importantly its a very delicate time for OP/baby and you just want to be on your own as you were last time. Point out that if they want to do what your parents did last time - bring round meals/do washing/walk the dog then that would be lovely but you are sadly unable to accommodate anyone in your house.
Also why is your husband putting IL's needs before yours and your babies? He has a totally warped sense of loyalty!! He is letting you and you baby down at such a vital and sensitive point in your life. He should be making sure you are OK during this stressful time, other peoples needs should fade to nothing by comparison. He needs a wake up call!!!
If by chance it does go ahead, try and stay in hospital as long as you can to get some space.
Stand firm though, email and just say sorry no, it's not happening. Yes we do love you but right now my needs are the most important.
Very good yfronts that is perfectly worded
Haven't read the entire thread but this whole thing sounds dreadful. I moved house with a 7wk old baby after a normal birth and no attenuating stress and it was still stressful. I suppose the point to make is that this is and will put you under a lot of stress. Stress can be harmful to the baby (I had to slow down considerably after starting to get wobbles at work - real wake up call). You, after baby has been born, will be recovering from major surgery and dealing with the third most stressful thing you can do - move house. Add to this you PILs (who sound like total PITAs) and we are in potential territory for PND. Does your DH really want that just because his parents are making themselves homeless?
If they really have nowhere else to go then the only solution for them is to delay the work until after you've moved, the baby is at least 4 months and the wedding has happened. There are some things in life more important than houses and property.
Also echo what has been said up thread about DD1 and getting her used to the new family dynamic - this will be delayed, excacerbated by all the stress and possibly directed at DC2.
I am gobsmacked at the totally thoughtless treatment you are receiving from people who are meant to be family.
The point is you have good reasons for wanting and needing alone time before and after the birth. This is more important than your MIL's clubs, your FIL's sky sports or generally your PIL's paranoia about not being liked.
How does your DH not see that? If he was just asking for a few days or something and they genuinely didn't have the resources to go anywhere else...but 8 WEEKS! Its OBVIOUSLY a huge ask.
I simply don't believe that PIL and DH can't understand your point of view. Everyone knows that when you have guests in your home, however much you like them, you can't fully relax and be as free and easy as you are alone. They must know this. And they must know hiw important it is that you can relax and be calm before and after pregnancy, major surgery and having a new baby. They are just being willfully blind to it to get their way...
Good luck in standing up for yourself.
You're absolutely right to say no.
Sounds utter hell to me.
Has FIL had a prostate operation? If so, ask how he'd like you to have been at home with him after that. If he hasn't, ask him the same!
You are essentially planning a babymoon with DH, DD and new baby. Your BIL and SIL are planning on taking PILs on honeymoon with them?
I'm another who can vouch for resentment at people staying post baby, but for me it was my mother.
Good on you for sticking to your guns. Whatever it costs emotionally to get what you want now will be LESS than what it would cost you having them there after delivery.
Oh and on the not breastfeeding front, just because baby isn't on your nipple doesn't mean she has to be passed around. Can't believe people think they have a right to feed other people's babies just because the mother is FF!
I am so sorry they're all putting you through this stress
I am honestly gobsmacked at how awful your DH is being to you, I'd find it very difficult to forgive behaviour like this
Hang in there, this thread is huge and everyone has agreed that they are all being
nasty selfish twats unreasonable, and believe me if MN thought you were the one in the wrong they would let you know about it
You are doing brilliantly just stay strong
He said - I love you, I think you're worrying over nothing because you're pregnant everything seems worse. It will all be fine. You're causing yourself stress and its not good.
And it was on the upstairs landing and DD is in bed with the door open so not wanting to get into a row I've just come to bed.
But it's not happening. No way. The fact that this many people agree with me just confirms that I'm in the right.
I bloody hate sky sports.
Even worse though, is sky sports News??!
They watch it on Christmas Day. It's not normal. What's wrong with Downton Abbey and Eastenders??!
Wow so he's being selfish spineless and patronising all at the same time then, that's quite a hat trick
He is saying that you are causing yourself stress?!
What a belittling and manipulative thing to say!
I would tell him that if he doesn't tell PIL this is not on by the weekend then you will do it, and you won't be mincing words either.
I am really angry for you op.
But it is stressful so of course you will stress about it till June if it isn't sorted.
What about arranging some house sitting for them?
But still no to them staying after you have the baby. You just can't get that time back. It's priceless.
If you mention bleeding and 'wimin's problems' would FIL take fright?
Take no prisoners OP!
No, HE is causing you AND the baby stress.
Holy crap <faints just thinking about this scenario>
Stick to your guns OP. Rarely is this kind of unanimity seen in AIBU.
Did he pay you on the head too? Patronising bugger - it is precisely because you are pregnant that he should be supporting you on this!
Definitely agree with involving your mum if need be-mine would go ape shit if this were me.
My CS is in nearly 6 weeks and have already had the kitten eyes from MIL who has never ever forgiven me for not letting her and
fucking obnoxious BIL stay in our small flat after my 1st baby. I said this right from the word go. She chose to ignore me and was horrified when I stuck to my guns, she cried , left the flat like a shithole, turned the heating off , used the last of the milk and off they popped. It's true-you can't get the time back lying around with your babies and OH in a little bubble. Certainly not for the sake of someone else's landscaped garden. Best of luck
I have no DC and even so YADNBU
My house move went tits up and my buyers were going to pull out so I had to move with nowhere to live. I found a local b&b that did sort of long term lets (lots of lorry drivers)
It was £70 a week, I got breakfast and a 3 course meal every night (not tempted to stay there forever, oh no)
I don't even visit people after they've had babies even close friends. I send a card, and offer shopping/cooking/cleaning help when they want it
Oh man, what a mess!
Putting aside all the various pieces of offense being (rightly or wrongly) taken by various people over various things...the fact is that this is crap for you and crap for your DH.
Crap for you for all the reasons stated on this thread already.
Crap for your DH because, assuming a generally loving and happy family set-up, he is stuck in the middle of everyone he loves (whether or not they are right, they are putting him in this position - and glass houses and all that)..
I'm not sure that demanding to be the one whose say goes is the answer (if only because it causes DH so much trouble).
I also don't think that giving in and having PIL stay is the answer.
I think that you all, collectively, need to accept that this is a communal family problem that needs to be dealt with communally. BIL and SIL are entitled to get excited about their wedding, SIL is entitled to have her mum stay, PIL are entitled to get their works done, and you are entitled to family privacy at this precious, precious time. However, the responsibility for making this happen isn't yours alone, and the price to pay isn't you being the only one not to get what you want and need. .
I suggest that BIL, SIL, PIL and you/DH club together and pay for some sort of temporary accommodation for the time before-after your CS that you just do not want PIl around. If BIL/SIL complain about paying, tell them the works are only happening for their bloody wedding. You may soon find that SIL's mum gets dispatched earlier than anticipated as a consequence, and PILs go to stay with them. PIL have to accept that timing on all sides is rubbish, but that it is one of those things. Then, you have them for whenever and however long you can countenance.
This way everyone compromises a bit, and no one pays too heavy a price - and PILs get their works done on time (as ultimately that seems to be their priority).
And after that, you can tell DH to shove his patronizing "it's pregnancy hormones talking, everything will be alright" up his arse, after he has had his belly cut open and stitched back together after he has had nine months of a succubus parasite dwelling inside him and sucking the very life out of him, all the while knowing that all of this could very well be preferable to life with a toddler and newborn once the baby is born.
<reminds self to stop projecting on any CS-related threads>
No no no no no no no.
You are not worrying over nothing - because you are not worrying, because your PiL are not staying under any circs, so there is nothing to worry about.
Honestly, we had MiL to stay for 4 months (she'd just moved 12000 miles and seriously had nowhere else to go!) when she first moved over here and at one point I clearly told dh that if divorce was the only way to remove the woman from my life then I was considering it. At that point he did realise how stressed I was with her constant low level sniping / sarcasm / criticism and he stepped up.
We have just built a house (which is worse than renovating - we didn't have internal doors, because of no walls to hang them on!) and lived in it for 6 months with no kitchen (ikea desk and camping gas stove), no bathroom (external tap, water heated in pan on camping stove, buckets, showers at local leisure centre), one toilet (non flushing, needed buckets) and limited power (temporary supply which we ran a lot of socket strips from!). We managed - I still don't have plumbing yet and we've been in it a year. Your PiL don't need to move out, they just want to, for their convenience.
You know what? It's your convenience your dh should be thinking of. Not his, not his parents, not his siblings - yours and only yours. If it's not convenient to you, it ain't happening.
Am fuming on your behalf.
Sorry detoxlatte, but I don't agree.
To be frank, why the hell should OP have a family discussion and club together to pay for their temporary accommodation.
Her PIL are grown now, they got themselves into this situation by making assumptions and not actually asking whether they could stay. BIL has made assumptions and DH has also assumed that they can. They can sort it out.
Your assuming that they are decent rational beings where this approach might work.
Everyone is putting themselves first, when OP, her DD and her new baby come first.
And fuck all the rest of them.
Also, at 490 responses long, I would print out the whole thread, calmly tell him that 'No, it is not happening. You are at risk of destroying everything we have if you don't listen to what I'm saying and you don't support me in this. Read this, all these people also believe that I'm within my rights to react this way' give him the print out and leave the room.
Because you're pregnant everything seems worse?? How utterly dismissive of your feelings. 500 messages of support for you on AIBU says you're right and he's a twat for not seeing it.
And he says you're causing yourself stress? No, he's causing you stress, and it's not good for the baby. Ask him why he's not putting you first.
I also wonder what OP's PILs would think if they saw this thread. If it were my DIL, I would be mortified that I had put her in such an impossible position, she was having to resort to getting support from hundreds of strangers online.
Patronising twat. I do hope you show him this thread. I also feel sad for you that without it you might have ended up more railroaded into this ridiculous situation. It really is a stretch to think your DH is usually wonderful.
With a 2 year old and just having had a section and just having moved you will need help OP.
Your DH wont help you.
Your mum might. Your MIL might. Your FIL should stay away as he will be a bother.
Perhaps you could explain to PIL and DH that you had planned to have your mum over.
I'm sorry, but I think YABU. You've immediately had a negative reaction (which is understandable), but you need to think about everyone involved, and try to change your attitude to a more positive one. If you try to think that "this is happening, and there's nothing I can do about it", then you'll start seeing some positive from the situation.
It's not for good. It's helping your family out for a maximum of 2 months. They will be grateful, and if you set up some "rules" (and a TV in their room) from the start, it will be ok.
Can be really annoying and end with a quote? When we are no longer able to change a situation - we are challenged to change ourselves. Viktor Frankl
Staying alone in a 'little bubble' sounds unrealistic anyway with a 2 year old after a section. Thats probably why PIL have thought this up with DH
someoftheabove If it were my DiL, she would never be in this position. Because the moment Son1 said "sorry, spare room is taken, stay with Son2" I would have said "But Son2's DW will have just had a CS and have a newborn to cope with, she doesn't want or need me as well" and rearranged building work at a different time.
I think if you wouldn't really notice them & they would be helpful, it would be a different matter.
But 4wks at the least is quite a while at anytime.
And it's not as if they are about to be made homeless-they're renovating for a party!
So they need to suck it up & sort something out for themselves!
Why is OP's husband so keen to have them there?
So that Mummy will help him with the chores & the newborn??
Maximum of 2 months? /hollow laugh.
Our house build was supposed to take 9-10 months. It started end 2011 and it's still not finished!
It'll overrun. There will be issues with wiring that weren't previously foreseen, then a tap or pipe will go in the wrong place and need to be moved. Then someone will get flu or their previous job will overrun so they can't start PiL's job till next week instead of this. But someone else was relying on them getting their bit done this week, so now they can't do their part until 3 weeks' time. 50% deposit in advance, thanks.
Well your in laws are being unreasonable in even thinking this was acceptable. If you get major building work fine you sort put accommodation not foist yourself on family for months. Especially when a baby is on the way FFS.
This stupid fucker is going to risk his marriage so his parents can impose on his heavily pregnant wife at the time she gives birth?
Maybe he's been a good husband up until now, but he's showing himself as a sexist prick who doesn't even consider you to be a person.
No decent husband would ask, never mind demand, this of his wife.
Sitting in a bubble under your newborn while your husband spends his month off looking after you and the toddler is what you need.
If he won't provide that, then ask him to leave and get your own mother to come.
I couldn't stay married to a man who treated me this badly.
What an utter shit he is being to you.
Iteotwawki, neither would I, but in this case it seems that a conversation hasn't been had between OP and PILs, because it's all gone through OP's DH. So, though the PILs seem crazily insensitive, they may be blissfully unaware that OP doesn't want them there under any circumstances.
SwedishKaz, read the whole thread. This situation has arisen because other families members' plans changed and OP is expected to be happy to be dumped on because of it. It's the other family members who need to "change themselves" as this is their problem, not OP's. To say that OP has enough on her plate without having to put up her PILs for what may well be far longer than two months is the understatement of the year.
this situation has been mulling over in my head overnight and I still cannot believe the totally inconsiderate treatment OP is getting. A few observations:
1) we also FF for medical reasons. My PILs love the fact that they can do this and bond with the baby. BUT MIL has never presumed that it is okay, she has always offered (usually so that I can get some hot food) and does not see it as a right, just a massive privilege.
2) I loved the fact at christmas (DD2 was 2 weeks old) she got so many cuddles from lots of people. BUT no one presumed to take her off me; no one presumed it was okay and taking her back was NEVER an issue (in fact DD2 put a stop to it herself by crying so much after too many cuddles - she loves them but loves alone time too)
3) I was thinking about how my MIL or DM would react if they were the mother of your SIL. They would be horrified take themselves to a hotel or back home on the next flight AND have a massive go at me or DH for being thoughtless and inconsiderate (I can imagine both saying 'I didn't raise you to be such a thoughtless cow/prick, I am deeply disappointed')
Shortly after my DSIS's c section me and our DM did a tag team at her house to help her. After her DH went back to work mum went up for a week than I took my DD1 (6 months at time) up and did a week. We were there to cook, clean, fetch, carry, deal with support stockings. It's why we went - to help! It was a very special time and we were glad to be able to do it for her. The point I am trying to make is that house guests are not welcome at this time - only unpaid skivvys!
Regarding the TV - I would be massively tempted to get it stuck on disney junior (on for more of the day than cbeebies and far more annoying) and lose the remote so that even if sky sports was bought it couldn't be watched.... However I would be a massive bitch about the TV. My house, my rules and it goes off at 9 and doesn't go on again till at least 4.30 (okay usually in time for pointless...)
They probably believe that they will not be intrusive and be helpful. Can't believe how horrid they are all being to you.
I dont think there is anything wrong with mummy helping with chores which a previous poster derided
I really think it is unsafe to leave a mum recently having had a section with a newborn and a 2 year old alone all day while DH is at work.
And as a working mum frankly if I had to go out to work all day and then come home to ..well ...a tired and post op mum, a newborn and a fractious year old ... I would be looking for help if I were DH. Why are we suddenly expecting men to be all singing all dancing?
The renovations to PILS house aren't the key issue here. The issue is that OP cant realise she is going to need help. She is putting herself at danger of heamorrhage and her 2 year old at risk and no wonder PIL have suggested this to her.
One solution might be to have her own mother along for 2 weeks to walk the dog and cook for DH etc and then MIL and FIL once the initial period is over.
DH is breadwinning all this time. He needs to be able to work normally. How would OP feel if he lost his job over this?