To not want PIL to stay even though they have nowhere else to go?

(1000 Posts)
curiousgeorgie Thu 14-Mar-13 08:55:53

PIL are having some work done on their house. Loads actually, it's a complete renovation and DH and I are overseeing it for them.

It was supposed to start last month and be finished by June but due to delays and adding a few extra things on its not not supposed to finish until mid to late July.

I'm due June 25th but will be having a C Section at either 38/39 weeks... I already have a 2 year old DD and to top it all off am moving house around the 3rd June.

PIL have been told that they should be out of the house for the whole of June until the work is complete. Before that they can stay and builders will work around them. They were going to stay with BIL & SIL but just learned that they will have her mother over (good timing!!) for practically the whole month and don't have the room, but we have a spare room, and after we move will have 2 spare rooms... So PIL have just assumed they're coming to us.

My DH is out of the house from 7-7, and PIL are in ALL day. I don't think I want them there when I am really heavily pregnant and just wanting to sleep in front of the tv with DD, enjoy seeing friends and not be a hostess. I also think it will be absolutely awful to have them in the house when I'm just home from a c section... My DH is planning 2 weeks paternity and 2 weeks working from home and it was a month I've been so looking forward to.

DH thinks I'm being unreasonable. He thinks they'll love being here and can look after the baby / DD for me... But I just don't want that. Even though they made a joke to DH that it's stay with us or in a box somewhere hmm

So... AIBU??

Emilythornesbff Thu 14-Mar-13 09:01:15

Sorry but I thin YAb (a bit) U.
Would you feel differently if it were your DP's?
Do you like you ILs?

Ledkr Thu 14-Mar-13 09:01:23

No you are not!!
I'm totally flabbergasted at how you can get out if it though.
I do know from experience that you must stick to your guns though.
Good luck.

cansu Thu 14-Mar-13 09:02:46

I can totally understand your feelings but if you have a good relationship with them then this is likely to be one of those things that family have to do for one another. I suppose I would look at it from another perspective. If you were in their shoes, would you be happy if they were unwilling to accommodate you. If you would be fine with this then ok say no to them. But I suspect you would expect your pil to help you if roles were reversed.

Ledkr Thu 14-Mar-13 09:03:14

Could you make the spare rooms intoa little bedsit and explain that you wil be needing some space to bond feed and see your own friends and family. Get your midwife on board.

Emilythornesbff Thu 14-Mar-13 09:04:05

Won't they help you?
Just set some clear boundaries at the start about expectations.

HKat Thu 14-Mar-13 09:04:22

Yanbu for not wanting them there, I didn't want anyone there in my last pg days, or after! But I think you have no choice here sadly, if there's genuinely nowhere else for them to go....

Ledkr Thu 14-Mar-13 09:04:29

Do they help or will they expect hospitality when you are recovering from major surgery?

N0tinmylife Thu 14-Mar-13 09:05:10

YANBU to not want to have them to stay, I think it would be a bit unreasonable to refuse to let them stay though, unless they are truly horrible people? I feel for you though, it sounds like their timing is appalling! I take it they are committed to having the work done at that time? If they could put it off a month I would imagine it would make life an awful lot easier!

Yama Thu 14-Mar-13 09:05:15

Do not allow this to happen. Resentment incurred when a baby is born can never be erased. And you will resent this.

No, no and thrice no.

wineandroses Thu 14-Mar-13 09:06:21

Tricky. Your spare room seems like the practical solution, but I agree that having them in the house after your CS and bringing a new baby home is not ideal. Can you find a compromise? Tell DH you are willing to have them stay up until the baby is born, but then you must have some space of your own. If BIL has space then (might SIL's mum have gone by then?), parents can stay there, or perhaps you could look for some local short term apartment rentals? Also, what happens if the building work runs into problems? They may need to be out of their house for longer than anticipated.

YANBU to want some time without guests, and DH should support you.

DPotter Thu 14-Mar-13 09:06:35

Having had a major renovation / extension I wish I had moved out for the duration - it was awful and I worked full time at the time, so if your PIL are used to being at home all day it could be much worse for them. A neighbour of ours hired / bought a caravan which the family lived in whilst their house had a major re-build. Could this be a possible way forward ? The caravan could be in their garden so they could keep an eye of progress but not be living in dusty chaos.

YANBU to want your own space with the lead-up to DC3 and especially not after

Iggly Thu 14-Mar-13 09:07:34

I was going to say YABU until I realised you were due a baby.

It all depends on what they're like? Would they expect you to run after them?

Ledkr Thu 14-Mar-13 09:07:57

yama totally agree I'm still fuming
Yes op can they change the date slightly?
If not can they at least stay in b and B for the week after your section?
That would be a reasonable enough request.

mrsjay Thu 14-Mar-13 09:09:07

they might help you and if they are staying they wont expect running after the same as when they are visiting put a tv in a bedroom for them and perhaps they will stay in there for their own privacy too
, do your own thing tell them to help themselves to the kitchen and whatever make it clear they are staying and not visiting , do your own thing and leave them to it you don't or shouldn't need to 'host' , and they dont really have anywhere else to go, I think you are stuck with them but it might be fine, as somebody else said set boundaries right away

ENormaSnob Thu 14-Mar-13 09:10:04


I am due in 3 weeks and wouldnt even want my best mate staying for that long.

mrsjay Thu 14-Mar-13 09:12:03

OH I dont think yabu to not want them there I wouldn't either

shrimponastick Thu 14-Mar-13 09:12:07


It sounds absolutely dreadful. Of course you want your own space just before and after a new baby.

Pil need to make alternative arrangements.

Postpone the final stage of the renovations so they can stay with BIL? Or a B n B for the majority of the time, but It's likely that they would be round at yours throughout the daytimes.

Hope you get it sorted op

GregBishopsBottomBitch Thu 14-Mar-13 09:12:41

YANBU, but if its gonna happen set up a list of rules,

1) OP isnt playing host
2) Make your own food
3) Clean up after yourself
4) Dont disturb OP
5) Help OP with 2 yr old
6) Give OP Privacy
7) If OP says no, then she means no

I wouldnt wanna have to play host and clean, after a section and wanting to bond with my newborn. Get those rules in.

ChunkyPickle Thu 14-Mar-13 09:12:49

YANBU to not want it, but it is going to be hard to avoid..

Can the house/new house be arranged so that they have their own rooms - not just bedroom, but a kind of private sitting room?

When I stayed with my inlaws (who really are wonderful - but it's always hard sharing a house), my MIL made sure that we had a couple of rooms so if we wanted to watch TV in the evenings DP and I could do that alone (while DS was asleep in our bedroom)

HermioneE Thu 14-Mar-13 09:13:42

You say you're overseeing it for them. If that means project managing then you would be a bit U to refuse as that means dates / where your PIL will be is partly down to you.

If it's their responsibility then YANBU.

Either way YANBU to not want them there but I can't see a way out for you... <sympathies>

what an awkward situation! I dont think i would want my PIL there just after i have had my baby either, you want that time with just your new baby and you DH. Maybe it would be worth talking to them about how you feel? setting some boundaries? its something that could affect your relationship in the future so think carefully. maybe they wont need to be there that long? and maybe they will be able to help occupy DD or take them out when you have just had the baby?

curiousgeorgie Thu 14-Mar-13 09:14:19

FIL will sit and do nothing and expect breakfast, lunch & dinner with tea at regular intervals. He'll expect sky sports on and any noise will make him frustrated that he can't hear the tv. He is a grumpy type and that's how he's always been, but I get on with him fine in small doses.

MIL will probably over help, and this is what I'm more worried about. She will be all over DH about making him his favourite dinners and giving him a 'break'. She has already talked about taking DD and the baby ("my new baby!" actual quote!) for walks and around the shops and to meet her friends and I told DH I didn't want this and he just says 'oh she's just excited, it won't be like that.'

But I know it will. When we go to see them we sit in front of sky's sports news and I can't wait to leave.

They also are not pet people and hate my dog. When they come over I have to put him behind the gate in the kitchen or outside and I hate it. He's been my baby for 6 years and he doesn't understand being shut away.

INeverSaidThat Thu 14-Mar-13 09:15:25

Would they let you stay with them if the situation was the other way around? I bet they would smile. Have they helped you in the past?

I think you may be being a little U, but it is impossible to say without knowing all the people involved.

[Hmm] It would be amazing to have someone around to help with the chores and looking after your DD. they could watch her while you are in hospital. It might be lovely for your DD. You could ask them to take your DD to the park etc.

If you have two spare bedrooms it would seem a bit mean not to let them use one. Perhaps you could set up a TV in your bedroom so you can have your own space in the daytime.

We lived abroad and had InLaws visiting for extended periods. It was a bit confused but I put up with it nicely for my DH's sake. It would have been unfair and petty not o want his parents but want my parents to come and stay.

If you did agree to it I think it would be perfectly OK to say that you have some reservations.

Arrange for BIL and SIL to invite them over for a day a week so you know you get a day free at least.

digerd Thu 14-Mar-13 09:15:40

What SIL and BIL did was not on. They had arranged for your PIL to stay with them and then put them off for other DM so you are saddled at the most impossible time for you.
I have no advice but am disgusted with them.

Wishiwasanheiress Thu 14-Mar-13 09:15:49

God no not by. Rent ffs. Go on hols for couple weeks (them not u).

Wishiwasanheiress Thu 14-Mar-13 09:15:58

Not bu!

someoftheabove Thu 14-Mar-13 09:16:07

Unfortunately, it's almost impossible to say whether YABU because it could turn out to be the best thing ever. They could be the most helpful, easy house guests, who prepare meals, make you cups of tea and go out for the evening to leave you and your DH to bond with the DCs.

Or, having them to stay could make your life hell in any number of ways.

I agree a compromise would be good, such as having them to stay until the baby comes, then going somewhere else. They might even want to, if the baby keeps them up all night!

AThingInYourLife Thu 14-Mar-13 09:16:25

No, no, no

What of people think it is OK to impose themselves on a you g family at a time like this?

They are making themselves homeless at a time when you have too much on - new baby, house move - to out them up.

Let them have it out with their daughter that has suddenly decided she can't have them.

Or they can go on holidays at that time.

Or stay in a hotel.

Landing on top of you when your baby is due is far from their only option here and it is very unfair of them to pretend it is.

mrsjay Thu 14-Mar-13 09:16:46

chunkypickle (fab name btw) idea is good could you set up the other spare room for them as well as the bedroom a temp sittingroom or even for yourself

INeverSaidThat Thu 14-Mar-13 09:16:53

Ohh, cross posted with OP. My post may have been over optimistic blush

They sound a bit of a nightmare after all

curiousgeorgie Thu 14-Mar-13 09:17:20

HermionE - under the original plan with the builder they would have been back in their own house by June, but pushed it all of their own accord and wanted to add some landscaping and rebuilding the steps at the front of the house and a conservatory. That's what's made it all different.

And my parents will be upset and feel left out, which bothers me too. But u wouldn't want them either... I don't want anyone. I had visions of a blissful month long bubble with DH and my two girls sad

Yama Thu 14-Mar-13 09:18:28

Yes, Ledkr - just reading about this situation is making me rather angry.

CuriousGeorgie - you are important too you know. And post c section you will not want this stress. In fact, even having to consider it is a stress you should not be put under.

curiousgeorgie Thu 14-Mar-13 09:18:47

Digerd - me too. I was in tears last night when BIL phoned.

cansu Thu 14-Mar-13 09:18:56

I think judging by your last post you would need to be very clear what it would be like for them. This might be enough to put them off. Given your list I admit it sounds horrendous. I think really though it perhaps should have been vetoed immediately with something like 'oh no I can't believe X can't have you to stay, what will you do? We would of course have had you but that will be impossible with the new baby and house move'. I think it will be v hard to extricate yourself now. Are they well off enough to rent a holiday cottage or flat or something?

INeverSaidThat Thu 14-Mar-13 09:19:25

Could you put the sky sports TV in the spare bedroom? You could use the terrestrial channels on the main TV. That would get FIL out the way for some of the time.

TheNebulousBoojum Thu 14-Mar-13 09:19:27

They need to book themselves a nice holiday rental for a month. With Sky Sports.

shewhowines Thu 14-Mar-13 09:19:57

YANBU but I can't see how you can say no without causing problems.

Put forward the caravan idea or try to get them to go away for a holiday for at least some of the time.

As others have said. If they do come, set strong boundaries.

I don't think there is anything wrong with saying to them that of course they can stay if they absolutely have to, but the timing is appalling and you'd really rather they found alternative arrangements if at all possible.

they can't stay with you.

can your dh phone his brother and ask if his mil can delay her visit? explain that it's impossible to have your pil over because you just have too much to deal with.

i think anyone with a bit of sensitivity would understand your situation.

failing which i think your pil will have to work something out themselves. go stay with family in other parts of the country or just fuck off in a camper van.

they will be hurt but i think if you can offer something like a holiday away together at the end of the year or some peace offering like that they will feel less unappreciated.

bloody difficult one!!!

INeverSaidThat Thu 14-Mar-13 09:21:43

Are there holiday lets in your area, why don't you find one and suggest it o your DH. It might not be very expensive if it is just a one bedroom one.

someoftheabove Thu 14-Mar-13 09:21:51

Didn't even think about your parents, OP. Normally it's possible to keep them apart when the new baby comes so they can each have their own time, but with them actually living with you, this will be impossible.

YA definitely not BU.

Could you show DH these posts if he doesn't agree?

The fact they are adding landscaping and steps to the building project would indicate to me that they have spare cash to rent for a month...

Ledkr Thu 14-Mar-13 09:22:57

To those who suggest it will be ok a d they can help themselves etc etc. can I speak from experience.
If you want to make a quick drink or snack are you honestly saying you would just do it in front of them cos I couldn't.
If you need to sit on the loo for hours trying to pooh would you like the door being tried occasionally by pil trying to get in.
When you use the downstairs loo do you want to carry your sanitary towel bagged up past them?
If you leak milk or bleed onto your pjs do you want fil watching?
If you want skin to skin whilst watching too gear do you want to go up to bed to do it?
Do you want to sit bolt upright on the sofa rather than lie down?
Do you want to sit with dh and other dc gazing at new baby and cooing without mil interjecting every five minutes?
It's just not appropriate and I'm always shocked that people think its ok to stay with a new mother so soon.
I'd move heaven and earth not to impose on my dd after birth.

Ginformation Thu 14-Mar-13 09:22:58

YANBU in the slightest! I agree with yama resentment is likely to ensue. I would hate to have any houseguests at such a personal time. You need to be able to focus on yourself, your family and bonding with your new baby. It might be inconvenient for your pil but they will have to make alternative arrangements. shudders at thought of own pil staying while heavily pregnant

ENormaSnob Thu 14-Mar-13 09:23:00

Tbh I would be putting this back to bil and sil seeing as they ballsed up the plans in the first place.

I really think this is going to have a massive negative impact on you sad

AThingInYourLife Thu 14-Mar-13 09:23:09

I don't think there's anything wrong with saying "no, sorry, obviously we can't accommodate guests for a month when our baby is due. What a shame SIL has let you down."

They chose this. It is their (easily solved) problem to deal with.

olgaga Thu 14-Mar-13 09:23:21

They'll have no problem at all renting a lovely holiday cottage for June, which is outside peak time.

I think you just have to be assertive and say that obviously you have far too much on at that time to have them stay with you for a whole month!

If they can afford to have their entire house renovated, having a 3 or 4 week holiday in a cottage is surely affordable!

HumphreyCobbler Thu 14-Mar-13 09:23:26

I would do anything to avoid this. I would hate it but put up with it in normal circumstances. But when heavily pregnant and with a newborn? No bloody way.

Why have DIL and SIL suddenly realised her mother is coming? Did they ever intend to have your ILs?

What you have said about how they are likely to behave makes me even more worried for them. Can't they hire a caravan? It is summer!

OBface Thu 14-Mar-13 09:24:21

YANBU. Your in laws sound very similar to mine and there is no way I would have them to stay around the birth of a baby.

I still harbour resentment from when dd was born, they totally ruined what should have been a lovely time (dh didn't help either).

Some good suggestions above - can they not go away for a few weeks? Or can SIL/BIL rearrange the visit from DM?

Stick to your guns!

HumphreyCobbler Thu 14-Mar-13 09:25:26

You need to get your DH on board here - it is not him that will be putting up with them for the first month, it is not him that will be heavily pregnant with houseguests, it is not him that will be recovering from major surgery and learning to breastfeed a new baby.

akaemmafrost Thu 14-Mar-13 09:26:00

God no! shock

Ands that's my response just from reading your OP.

olgaga Thu 14-Mar-13 09:26:09

Like other posters I just can't imagine what goes on in someone's mind if they think it's ok to lumber a family with their presence for an entire month, even without everything you've got ahead of you.

Selfish or what?

ginslinger Thu 14-Mar-13 09:26:19

I think they should go on holiday for at least the time after you have had the baby but probably for all of it.

ENormaSnob Thu 14-Mar-13 09:27:06

Totally agree with ledkr.

Who in their right mind thinks its ok to impose for a month on someone who's just had a section.

mrsjay Thu 14-Mar-13 09:27:27

OH i just read what they are like, urm I ont know what you can do suggest they go somewhere else or postpone the building work you might need to just to say no go elsewhere suggest a nice holiday

diddl Thu 14-Mar-13 09:28:01

OK-what is "practically the whole month".

First of all-find out when they can be at BIL/SILs.

how long would you be at home & pregnant & how long would they be with you when your husband is on paternity leave?

Have you told him that if they stay he will have to cook, clean, wash & iron for all of you?

AThingInYourLife Thu 14-Mar-13 09:28:38

Yy Ledkr

FairyJen Thu 14-Mar-13 09:30:08

God NO way! Just say no sorry we can't accommodate you. You will never get those precious newborn days back an trust me bitter experience mil will be bonding with baby not you!

SissySpacekAteMyHamster Thu 14-Mar-13 09:31:16

I'd be pissed of with BIL and SIL and would be asking why her mother needs to be visiting at that time. Surely at times like this families pull together. Your BIL and SIL know your situation, so surely they should be putting your ILs up.

Seems to me that they have come up with a plan not to have them.

Can your husband not have a word with his brother?

CookieLady Thu 14-Mar-13 09:31:27

I was ready to say YANU as I stayed with my in laws after my first c-section and found it a god send. However, having read the entire thread your in laws sound like way too much work and insensitive which is far from what you need after giving birth. Don't let them stay. YANBU.

Bejeena Thu 14-Mar-13 09:33:05

It sounds like they can afford to rent somewhere short term so just tell them no and get your husband on board to support this decision. I think the whole thing is extremely cheeky you can't jus go and live at someone else's house without being invited, no matter who you are family or not!

curiousgeorgie Thu 14-Mar-13 09:33:06

Her mum is coming from abroad, we're all going to SIL (to be) wedding a few weeks after (bloody abroad!) and her mum is coming to help her out with wedding plans and this is very important and can't be moved hmm

They won't stay in a cottage or anything as this is already costing them too much, apparently. ("what with renovations, new babes and weddings..!")

DH's best suggestion is that our dog stay with my parents and if it's too much I can go upstairs. All said in a nice way of course, like that's actually a solution!

curiousgeorgie Thu 14-Mar-13 09:35:12

Diddl - I'll be 9 months when they arrive, 2/3 weeks later I'll have my section, then they will be here for probably another month, coinciding with DH being home. They will leave the 2nd / 3rd week in July.

ENormaSnob Thu 14-Mar-13 09:36:17

Shame on your dh then Georgie.

This is a farcical proposition that is going to leave a bitter taste and burning resentment for years to come.

Tell him I hope it's worth it.

digerd Thu 14-Mar-13 09:36:24

You shouldn't have to arrange anything for PIL. You can't have them staying with you and your DH is responsible for dealing with his family's most unreasonable behaviour and support your interests over theirs.

diddl Thu 14-Mar-13 09:36:46

If ground rules were set-would they stick to them?

If they had their own "sitting room"-would they stay there-or would your husband want them with him & "helping"?

I'm sure he wants to help them out-but if it's you doing all the accommodating, then it's not really on.

Does he realise how unhelpful they would be & that they would expect to be waited on?

BiscuitMillionaire Thu 14-Mar-13 09:37:21

Idea! Tell them that your midwife has told you very firmly that it's a bad idea, that for the sake of your recovery from surgery and bonding with the new baby, you need time without any guests. Then add that your health visitor agreed with her. And show them some brochures for holiday let cottages for rent.

Cheeky buggers

If they say, 'oh we won't be any trouble, we'll help you with the baby' etc, then you reply with 'I know I'm sure you'd be happy to help - it's not you it's me - I would just find it too difficult not to be playing the hostess. We'd love you to come and visit for the afternoon when you're at your short-term rental house'.

AThingInYourLife Thu 14-Mar-13 09:37:32

Your husband is being a dick here and so are his parents.

This has to be your call.

You are the one who will be pregnant/having major surgery/having a new baby/establishing breastfeeding while they are planning to impose on you.

Just say no fucking way is this happening and they'll just have to revisit their decision to save money at your expense by refusing to pay for their own accommodation.

bloody hell. bloody hell.

i would be swearing.

it's not your problem. it's just not. your dh and pil have to find another solution. i'd seriously be putting my foot down. they'd better wrack their brains because this cannot seriously be put on you.

RobotHamster Thu 14-Mar-13 09:38:50

WHereabouts in the country are you? There are lots of companies that do reasonably priced short lets and it might be possible to do this?

Ooh, I've got it - if FIL is glued to Sky Sports all the time, then don't hook it up in the new house.

I'd get back on to BIL and make this his problem. As far as your PIL are concerned they are allowed to stay until you move house. Fine. You need to be firm about this though - you'll be nesting and wanting to make the new place your own, ready for the new baby. The last thing you'll want is a lazy FIl lounging about your house being a demanding grumpy old shit, and MIL mothering your DH doing everything for him, calling your newborn 'her baby' and ruining those really important few weeks.

Pull rank, blame those pregnancy hormones and make it absolutely clear that they are not welcome until baby is home and settled.

diddl Thu 14-Mar-13 09:39:01

Is there really no one else-have they siblings of their own they could stay with?

yes - you can't be made to accommodate them because they don't want to fork out more money.

seriously - they can hire a caravan somewhere.

i'm so pissed off on your behalf i'll find them something. nearby their home but as far from yours as possible.

Jenny70 Thu 14-Mar-13 09:39:29

I think it is unreasonable, but again don't see any easy way out of it.

Can you beseech your BUL/SIL to change around their plans? Can you rent them a one bedroom apartment for the 6 weeks? I know it's a big expense, but might be worth it if it saves your family life from permanent difficulty.

RobotHamster Thu 14-Mar-13 09:39:39

(in our house it would go something like
DP: "Hamster - can MIL stay for a month while her house is being refurbed"
Me: hmm

doctorhamster Thu 14-Mar-13 09:40:30

I'm furious on your behalf. Also amazed that your ils and Dh think this is an acceptable situation.

I don't know what the solution is but your Dh really needs to be on your side with this one. You are the one heavily pregnant and giving birth, he needs to putyour needs first.

Show him this thread.

RobotHamster Thu 14-Mar-13 09:40:33

Oh god - they've suggested you move the dog out of his own home. <watches thread explode>


GregBishopsBottomBitch Thu 14-Mar-13 09:40:56

I would put my foot down and say no, or go and stay with your parents, because i had a c section, and if i had to put up with lazy and over helpful PIL, i'd fucking scream.

GregBishopsBottomBitch Thu 14-Mar-13 09:41:33

and do not get me started on the dog thing, DH needs a good slapping for that one.

DontmindifIdo Thu 14-Mar-13 09:41:40

No way is this possible! You need to lose it a bit at dh for even thinking itll be ok! Other options, short term let, (have a look now in your area so you can present it as a viable option rather than an idea) or holiday for 2-3 weeks. Other options, would your parents help out if they have a spare room?

But do your research today then sit down with your dh tonight, say its not possible for them to stay at your house and here are the alternatives you've thought of, what other ideas does dh have and when will he talk to them? Don't let yourself be bullied into it, or let the plans slide, if an alternative plan isn't in place by April, you know it'll be "oh it's too late to sort anything do they are coming here"

It's seems obvious to me that your PIL will want you pandering to them.

No way, not at such a time.

I had a CS with my first. Despite being a quick healer, it was still about 3-4 weeks before I could stand up completely straight. I was pretty much undressed for the first couple of weeks while establishing bf, and there's no way I would want to find myself restricted to staying in the bedroom for a large part of the time; babies feed a lot sometimes.

And then there's the fact you will have an older child. She will need attantion too, and if your FIL hates noise while watching the sports, then your DD is going to find herself shushed for a large part of the time. This could easily lead her to think she's being naughty, or worse, resenting the baby because it'll all be happening around that time.

You can show your DH some of these posts, if he doesn't get it. While I appreciate his mum is excited, you are the one who'll have given birth, you are the one who'll be recovering from a CS, who will need the care and attention, you are the one who'll need space and privacy to establish bf, and all the other bits and pieces that go with looking after a newborn.

If my DP had even hinted at this, we would have been having a very firm one-sided conversation!

INeverSaidThat Thu 14-Mar-13 09:42:40

Excellent post by Ledkr. She has convinced me!

SanityClause Thu 14-Mar-13 09:43:06

Correct me if I'm wrong.

You are moving house on 3 June.
You are having a C section some time between 11 June and 18 June.

How do you expect to have a month of lying around on the sofa while heavily pregnant? You will be packing things into boxes and taking stuff to the charity shop.

They want to stay with you in June, but you are moving in June?

You have already taken on too much. (Not criticising, it's the sort of thing I would do!)

Incidentally, their building work will run over schedule - they always do. So they will be with you for 6 to 8 weeks, not 4.

Speak to DH about this. He has his rosy tinted specs on. Give him the examples ledkr gives above.

Also, why does he think you would you want someone else to look after you new baby?

If your PIL are the type to look after you, and do all the cleaning, meal preparation, etc for the family, then maaaaaybee. If not, or even if you just don't know, then I would say they need to reschedule their building work to a time that suits you, if they need to stay at your house. Or rent somewhere.

this will not just be a month.

it's the whole of june, the whole of july and as we all know, building work takes longer than you expect. it's only march and it's already moved by a month.

they will be staying with you for months on end.

i actually agree with hitting it straight back into bil's court. you say - sorry - house move, major surgery, newborn, 2yo. far far far too much for you to deal with as it is.

i'm betting that bil and future sil are very smug having dodged that bullet.

and when bil and future sil find it hard with their pfb you can calmly remind them of what you had to deal with.

fuckers the lot of them.

MadamGazelleIsMyMum Thu 14-Mar-13 09:44:21

OP, you need to explain to DH that it wont work. Dont be persuaded, if your gut feeling is no, then that's your answer.

Greensleeves Thu 14-Mar-13 09:45:32

You need to set a precedent here OP. If you let them (and dh) ride roughshod over your feelings now, you will never be able to put decent boundaries in place around you and your dc.

Stay calm, rational and pleasant, say NO and stick to it. If there is bad feeling, let dh and BIL/SIL absorb it. They're his parents!

RobotHamster Thu 14-Mar-13 09:45:38

There's no explaining, no asking and no bargaining here OP. Just an absolutely NO.

saffronwblue Thu 14-Mar-13 09:47:59

OP YANBU. This is a terrible proposition and may leave scars for years to come. Don't let it happen - put all the pressure you can on your DH and BiL to do something different.

fedupofnamechanging Thu 14-Mar-13 09:48:03

I would say a categorical no to this, if I was in your shoes. You will be miserable with them there, at a time when you need to have your own space. it's all very well fro your dh, but he can bugger off to work. I think your feelings need to take priority here.

Your IL's chose to have all this work done - it's down to them to find somewhere to stay. if they can afford the work, they can afford to rent somewhere to live while it's being done. Don't let them make this your problem.

I'd offend whoever I needed to, in order to avoid having anyone stay when I'd just had a baby.

FairyJen Thu 14-Mar-13 09:48:20

The breast feeding thing is a point. Nothing wrong with feeding in public at all obviously but I personally would feel a bit weird at having my baps out in front of my fil day in day out... That's just me tho smile

Your DH needs to understand you won't be wanting anyone to look after the baby. I don't think I know of any new mothers who were happy at being parted from their newborn, even if it was just for a short walk to the shops.

He needs to be putting your needs first. This is too much to ask on top of all your other stuff going on.

JassyRadlett Thu 14-Mar-13 09:51:45

I can't quite believe all the people suggesting that having ILs you're not 100% comfortable with at the best of time staying could be ok when you've a newborn.

Yes, having someone to take DD to the park or out elsewhere or help with the odd meal would be nice. They don't need to be staying in your house to do that, and if they're decent/live close they'll do that anyway.

Depending on your experience the first few weeks can be a time when you want a hell of a lot of privacy - to weep hysterically about the fact your newborn's face has changed slightly and they are already growing up too fast, to deal with all the post-birth pain and mess and leaking, to sit wherever you like half-naked from the waist up trying to get feeding sorted and enjoying skin to skin, to survive on whatever food you've scavenged from the kitchen without worrying whether it qualifies as a meal, and to not have to converse with anyone except if you feel like it.

The cost of being out of home is part of the cost of doing home renovations. They've been let down by your BIL and SIL, so their budget has changed. Maybe this means they can't have the landscaping as they have to get a short-term rental instead. I'm struggling to have a great deal of sympathy for them, they sound fairly thick-skinned and self-centred.

TBH it sounds like your DH is the real sticking point. Maybe you should tell him that PILs are welcome to come to stay but DH will have to find a holiday let for you and the DCs for the duration and be responsible for all packing, logistics, etc.

olgaga Thu 14-Mar-13 09:52:08

Just say no, OP. Their business, not yours. Up to them to sort it out.

No, no, no, no, no....

never have i seen aibu so unanimous!!

diddl Thu 14-Mar-13 09:53:18

If they could be trusted to piss off after I would probably offer them the first week.

When BIL/SIL said that they would have them-was this for different dates before the work overran, or just a general yes?

GladbagsGold Thu 14-Mar-13 09:53:45

I have two lots of inlaws. One lovely and one 'other lot'. I read your post thinking yabu, imagining my lovely inlaws staying.... then read your description of your inlaws and realised they are like my 'other lot' and NO WAY would I accept this!

What are your parents like and where do they live in relation to you? Is there any chance of you and 2yo moving in there for a while? Escape the house move, escape the Inlaws, get looked after by your parents. Then DH have his parental leave when you move back home.

olgaga Thu 14-Mar-13 09:54:14

The dog can stay with your parents?

How about you and your DD stay with your parents if your DH insists on his parents living at yours?

maddening Thu 14-Mar-13 09:54:42

Could you go and stay with your parents?

Any other relatives that could have them?

Could dh send them on holiday at his expense? There'll be lots of deals on in june.

diddl Thu 14-Mar-13 09:54:42

Maybe they'll have to cut back on the extras so that they can rent somewhere/go away/stay in a caravan somewhere?

ScottyDoc Thu 14-Mar-13 09:55:28

No fcuking way. Dh needs to grow a pair (pathetic the amount of grown men won't stand up for their wives) and tell them no. You guys can help them with the cost of a hotel or whatever, seeing as they are apparently on the breadline with the weddings and house renovations. You will be bleeding heavily, having minor accidents here and there and will want to wash clothes regularly, as well as bonding with your newborn. Your eldest may also feel pushed out with all the inevitable fussing and faffing over babies that some in laws do.

Any decent and compassionate human will understand that imposing on a heavily pregnant family member as well as being there after a c section is HIGHLY inappropriate and wrong. If they cannot get that through their thick skulls then frankly they aren't worth worrying about at all. ledkr has it absolutely spot on.

maddening Thu 14-Mar-13 09:57:12

Ooo yes hire them a camper van and they can live on their drive.

My friend's dps had a house built and lived in a caravan in the garden for 2 years.

Tell your DH his PIL can stay but that you will be staying with your parents, along with the dog........

Show him this thread, he'll be just another bloke who doesn't get it. It took my midwife to explain to DP that I would not be able to clear out the junk room after a CS (lots of heavy stuff). He's a caring bloke, but simply hadn't understood the reality of a CS.

TBH a lot of people don't understand the reality of a CS, it's lumped in with the whole giving birth thing for some people. "It might be a CS, but she's only given birth so it can't be that bad, can it?" (Direct quote of one of mum's friends.)

diddl Thu 14-Mar-13 09:57:58

OP-can your mum come to stay to help you so that there's no room??

Good idea to stay with her & let your husband sort the move if possible.

Although I don't see why OP should move out so that her ILs can move in.

Certainly doesn`'t solve the problem of time as just a family of 4!

no No no no no
You have a toddler, are expecting a newborn by CS, your DH works long hours, you have a dog, you're moving house, AND you're helping oversee your IL's renovations?!?! ENOUGH!

They can rent a caravan, stay in a B&B, ask your BIL to rearrange his plans, ask around at friends, do a million and one other things, but NOT expect to sit in your house and be waited on. End of.

shewhowines Thu 14-Mar-13 09:58:54

I've been thinking more about this whilst washing up I am so sad .

You have to say no.

If Dh tries to guilt trip you then point out that it is far worse for you than SIL/DB and they've managed to say no.
Tell him that its ok for him as it will hardly impact on him but that you be stressed to high heaven as it is, with the move and lack of sleep, and that it will impact greatly on you and it's not fair to expect you to do this. Tell him that you can't see it ending well and that for your future relationship with your PIl you have to say no.

Compromise for a week if you need to but only if others compromise too. IE they sleep on the sofa/in the dining room at SIl for a week, go on holiday for a week, stay with friends etc.

Otherwise they will need to put the building work back.

For your mental health you have to say no.

doctorhamster Thu 14-Mar-13 09:59:01

Just wanted to add...cancel sky sports. That might sway them to find an alternative. My ils spend all day glued to it too and it drives me Fucking insane!!

shewhowines Thu 14-Mar-13 09:59:44

You need to get him on board with this, then he needs to grow the balls and say no to his parents just like his DB/SIL have.

FairyJen Thu 14-Mar-13 10:02:49

At the end of the day they made a conscious choice to renovate their he. What exactly would they have done if you and bil lived abroad?? They would have found alternative accommodation then so they can now!

If your DH pushes ahead with letting your PIL stay, he needs to be aware that the resentment this causes will impact on the future of your marriage.

LadyPessaryPam Thu 14-Mar-13 10:04:47

Change the ground rules or don't let it happen. This is your home FFS!!

Just tell them that you cannot have house guests and a newborn at the same time. You will resent them otherwise.

I'll tell you my dreadful imposition around birth of a child story (which still affects family relationships today).

When I was pregnant with DS2, H and I were living in a small 3 bedroom house far away from both our families. About 6 or so hours from my family and about 2.5 hours from H's. At the time, my stepfather was working abroad and my mum would spend most of her holidays (she's a teacher) out where he worked. She'd usually take my (27 year old at the time) sister with her (because my sister refused to get a job and leave home and look after herself. Important background info: I do not get on with my sister, who is a self-entitled and attention-seeking arsehole to put it mildly. H doesn't like her either, for the same reasons as me.

So, DS2 was due in early August and my mum planned to fly back towards the end of August to see him. He was, of course, 2 weeks late. In mid July she phoned me to tell me that my sister wanted to come and stay with us for 6 weeks spanning both before and after DS2's birth because she just loves babies so. H and i were supposed to feed her, do her washing, chauffeur her around in the car where she wanted to go, etc during all this time and she was (of course) to contribute nothing. I said no (not entirely politely, as I was taken aback by both my mum and my sister's sense of entitlement). I said she could come and visit for a day or so after the birth but no more.

My mum was very angry with me about this so between them my mum, my step-dad and my sister decided that they were going to impose my sister on us anyway. They booked a flight back for her with my mum and just decided that the pair of them were going to come and stay in our house for 2 weeks. I found out about this when H arrived back from picking my mum up at the airport with my sister in tow. A huge argument ensued because I was by that point overdue and in absolutely no mood for unwelcome house guests (and neither was H). My mum was incredibly nasty to me and said a great many things that now mean that I will never trust her or be close to her again. She was difficult anyway, but she made it clear that she thinks she is much more important than anything else and that I should just do what she wants all the time.

Her behaviour also made me very ill. I was having a horrible pregnancy and had been signed off work early and really, really did not need any more stress. But, my mum and sister clearly didn't (and don't) care about anyone other than themselves. They've made it clear that they are only interested in me insofar as they can get access to my children. Ironically, this means they get almost no access to my children because H and I don't want to see them.

H threw them out of the house and they went to stay at a local hotel. They then insisted on making sure that I got no time to spend with DS1 at all before DS2 arrived (and both H and I were too exhausted to fight). Poor DS1 felt he had to go with the too, but I know he wanted to just curl up with me and watch DVDs etc. Then, when I finally went in to labour, my mum (who was supposed to be looking after DS1 while H and I were at the hospital) wouldn't answer her phone so we had to call the PILs who drove up to us so that we could go to hospital. My waters has broken but the hospital sent me home because labour wasn't progressing with instructions about having to return by a certain time the next day. My mum came to the house that morning and went absolutely mental (actual screaming fit) when she saw FIL in the house.

After 36 hours in labour, I had DS2 and they forced me to stay in hospital over night because he was an instrumental delivery (although their doing so actually prevented me from getting any pain killers and delayed DS2 seeing a doctor by 24 hours --because I had to be in the worst maternity unit in the country--). Once I came home and was settled, my mum and sister visited to see DS2 for about 10 minutes and then left (having barely acknowledged either H or I).

The experience (as you'd expect) very much colours the relationship that I have with my family now. I absolutely keep them at arms length (indeed, H and I are having serious problems but there is absolutely no way I'd mention anything about it to my family; I probably wouldn't tell them directly if we got divorced). H loathes my mother (who essentially tried to make the birth of his child all about her and made everyone really miserable). The PILs think she's completely unhinged too (which is fair enough). My mum seems to think that her and my sister are 'all I've got', but frankly I'd rather having nothing than people who are perfectly happy to do me and my family great damage. I had to cut my dad out after DS1 was born as I didn't want his even more toxic influence, but I've had to accept that my entire family is toxic and contact with any of them should be minimised.

My sister is now pregnant and I hope she has as horrible a pregnancy and broth experience as she and my mother gave me. Not that she's learn any lessons from that.

I'm assuming that your PILs are not awful people, but unwanted house guests at the end of pregnancy/with a newborn are a recipe for disaster.

you will resent your dh and them for YEARS. it will take a hell of a lot to repair the damage that those weeks will cause.

this is precious time - you can't ever get it back.

i gotta stop posting because my blood pressure is getting too high.

DontmindifIdo Thu 14-Mar-13 10:08:24

Another option if they won't pay out for accommodation is to say they put the building work on hold for a month until bil and sil can have them, staying with you is not an option.

LadyPessaryPam Thu 14-Mar-13 10:09:05

olgaga The dog can stay with your parents? How about you and your DD stay with your parents if your DH insists on his parents living at yours?

^^ Yes this, tell your 'D'H to choose.

MissPants Thu 14-Mar-13 10:09:22

YANBU. My FIL came to stay with us the day after I got out of hospital with DS2, I love FIL dearly but it made me feel uncomfortable, however I agreed. He then announced he was bringing his 14 year old step grandson. I was totally horrified! Told DH in no uncertain terms that I was not happy and he would have to explain it just wasn't appropriate. However he "forgot" and dropped the bombshell when they had already set off.

I will never ever forget having to sneak downstairs past an unrelated teenage boy with a mattress sized pad rolled up on my sleeve to take to the bin, or trying for a post natal poo hearing them both shuffling about in the bedroom next door blush

It was horrible, and it ruined my first few days at home with DS. The resentment is still there nearly a year later, the feeling that nobody gave a damn how I felt about it and just steamrollered over my feelings and right to bleed, leak and poo privately.

I won't forgive DH for being such a wimp in a hurry!

Tell your DH that you like his idea of sending the dog to your DM so much that you think you will join him. Take the dog and have a holiday yourself!

livinginwonderland Thu 14-Mar-13 10:09:28

yanbu at all, but it's probably something you're just going to have to do anyway. set up strict rules and ask DH for help when it comes to enforcing them (so if something happens when he is at work, you can speak to him and be assured that he'll talk to his DP's).

it's probably won't be easy, but you might find it's nice have some help before the end of your pregnancy - someone to run around and do basic errands and to watch DD if you have appointments or anything like that.

curiousgeorgie Thu 14-Mar-13 10:11:04

Arbitrary that is awful sad

We don't actually have the sports package... We would have to get it! We had it for a whole month after having to buy it so PIL would babysit DD while we saw my brothers play.

They actually don't have anyone else to stay with, BIL and SIL were all for them staying, no particular dates in mind just yes yes yes!

livinginwonderland I seriously doubt the OP will get much help from the PIL, by her descriptions earlier.

you know, going to stay with your mum is not on either.

you'll have just moved house. you won't want your pil mucking up your new house. it's just not on.

and now i've really got to back away. my blood pressure is up and my pmt is kicking in early too.

AThingInYourLife Thu 14-Mar-13 10:12:37

You do not have to do this.

This is your home.

You have an absolute veto on guests.

MayTheOddsBeEverInYourFavour Thu 14-Mar-13 10:13:08

Don't let this happen

You will resent them and possibly your husband forever. You should spell that out to him

The time around a birth of a child is special, it's important. You are important, don't let them ruin this for you, you will remember it forever. How often do we see on here that inconsiderate behaviour at times like this leads to lifelong resentments and problems?

By saying no you are actually preventing problems and doing your il's a favour because this has the potential to really fuck up family relations

And yes as someone else said, shame on your DH

2rebecca Thu 14-Mar-13 10:13:47

I'd suggest they go on holiday for June and July or hire a caravan somewhere nice for a couple of months. If they can't afford to live elsewhere for a couple of months they should have thought about this earlier. They obviously didn't ask your SIL about this either otherwise she wouldn't have arranged for her mother to come then as that doesn't sound like a last minute emergency plan, if they had agreed to have the inlaws then they would have rearranged everything else.
The timing of your baby is non-negotiable.
I'd say no to people staying (especially such unhelpfulpeople staying. ) If my husband made a fuss I'd be taking myself off to my parents' or a siblings until they were gone.
This shouldn't be your problem to sort out. You just say no because you are having a baby in the same way SIL said no because she wanted her mother to stay.

AThingInYourLife Thu 14-Mar-13 10:15:09

You would "have to" pay for an expensive sports TV package so the stupid bastard who is imposing on you can sit around with the TV on all day in a house with a toddler?!



You don't have to do anything of the kind.

Where are your boundaries?

Headagainstwall Thu 14-Mar-13 10:16:04

If the extra work on their house - landscaping & steps - is outside, why can't they move back in their house?

Why should you buy a sky sports package just so your PILs can stay with you? That's ludicrous.

I should add, that my (lovely) PILs slept on the sofa bed the first night and the MIL transferred to a local hotel (a different one from where my mother was) because she didn't want to inconvenience us. And presumably she wanted some personal space. She was lovely and not pushy and just wanted to help us in any way we needed. FIL had to go back for work, but MIL wanted to stay so she could see DS2 and support us (given that my mother had already proved herself nasty and unreliable).

DeepRedBetty Thu 14-Mar-13 10:16:45

Another yanbu from me. Loads of good potential solutions up thread, one of them must work. My own preference is buy/hire a caravan and lurk on their own drive for duration.

Caravans do have resale value, buy and sell on at the end might be quite a cheap way to do it. A couple of friends of mine did this, with a motor home, took it for a holiday afterwards too, and sold it for exactly the same as they'd paid for it.

GregBishopsBottomBitch Thu 14-Mar-13 10:16:47

You had to buy Sky shitting sports just to get them to babysit?

Tell em to fuck right off, right now, the fucking cheek of it.

DeepRedBetty Thu 14-Mar-13 10:17:56

OMG just seen the sports package bit!


tomatoplantproject Thu 14-Mar-13 10:17:57

I'm another one adding to the chorus of no. We recently renovated and part of our budget was renting a shoebox to live in. It's just bonkers to expect someone to put you up for weeks on end.

I had a cs with dd and it took 3 weeks for the pain to go. And I spent most of those 3 weeks on the sofa with my nipples hanging out. There is no way that I could have done that comfortably with anyone other than dh or dm around.

Throw a hysterical strop, use your hormones to best advantage and just say its not possible. They can find the money for expensive building work so if they had to they could change the work so they could pay for accommodation.

There won't be any sky sports after your baby arrives. Your DD will need cbeebies! grin

MayTheOddsBeEverInYourFavour Thu 14-Mar-13 10:20:33

Your pils's are adults, it's not your job to give them somewhere to stay. In other circumstances then I would agree it would be something you should help out with

But the fact is you don't have to have them because you can't.To me you having the baby is as good as or a better reason than your sil having her mother to stay. If you didn't have a spare room what would they do? Rent somewhere? Stay with friends? Postpone the work? Well whatever it is that's what they should do now because your house is not available

GregBishopsBottomBitch Thu 14-Mar-13 10:20:59

My Sisters house, alone channel on during the day is Cbeebies,

You need to throw a major pregnant strop.

ThatBintAgain Thu 14-Mar-13 10:21:00

Totally agree with everyone else and surely if you show DH ledkr's excellent post this might actually penetrate his skull as being a ridiculous idea. Like others have said, if people take the piss when you've just had a baby you never, ever forget it. Foot down time, and good luck.

Arbitrary - that's so awful and I can totally relate as have a similar "sister" situation. It has actually meant that I now have had to break all contact with my "family". And whilst it's very hard, I'm grateful that I've now seen them in all their toxic glory, and I'm no longer kidding myself that they give two shits about me or my children.

Sending some unMNy hugs to both of you. thanks

Ledkr Thu 14-Mar-13 10:21:44

I have just asked dh what he would say to your dh after our horrible experience.
He said he'd tell him to stuck up for his wife not his parents.
He started talking about things and how guilty he still feels about letting me down.
He spoke about being furious still at his parents behaviour and how he feels differently about his mother since.
I was in tears just at the memory of it and how it spoiled our special time.
That was from over two years ago.
I will never fully forgive my pil or ever really like them again.
That is very sad.

diddl Thu 14-Mar-13 10:21:49

If BIL/SIL were OK with it-just turn it back to them.

It's them who have "double booked" & their problem to sort out!

ThatBintAgain Thu 14-Mar-13 10:22:17

Oh, and totally agree in terms of building timelines, double and add two weeks. They will be at yours forever.

No, no, no, no, no.

Just keep repeating it to your DH - no!

It is not up to you to find a solution, and you don't have to accept, or even discuss, such an awful imposition.

Put your foot down before this ruins your family relations, and those first precious weeks with your new DC.

puddock Thu 14-Mar-13 10:24:24

Joining the mass of indignant MN fury on your behalf OP.
Your PIL's cannot descend on you in this way just because their renovation schedule has slipped and their other son has backed out of them staying with him. They will need to make other arrangements. What they seem to be proposing is utterly and obviously unreasonable and has the potential to rob you and your family of so much. You must not allow it.
Your DH needs to understand this - show him the thread! - and take your feelings seriously. (You can "just go upstairs" if their prolonged presence in YOUR new home with a new baby etc etc is too much? Words fail me.)
I wouldn't muddy the waters by talking about compromises - a week here or there, setting up separate rooms - I can't see those boundaries sticking. Just say no.


They will have to re-budget the renovations and factor in temporary accommodation costs. That is what most decent people would do.

They cannot impose on you, to be honest I am shocked that they and your dh thinks this is on.

MIL stayed with us for a month the time when ds2 was born, and we have not seen eye to eye since. It is dreadful. Her idea was, and still is, chocolate for breakfast for kids, to "fatten them up".

If you do this, you risk ruining your relationship with the inlaws for all future. The fact that they are even suggesting it is seriously risking your cordial relationship.

And there is no way you should pay for Sky Sports, rehome your dog to your mother, and go sit upstairs in your bedroom if their presence is too much, just so that they can save a little money. At the expense of your bonding with baby, your breast milk and feeding, and building bonds between your dc and newborn.

I am aghast!

ChaoticisasChaoticdoes Thu 14-Mar-13 10:30:00

DH's best suggestion is that our dog stay with my parents and if it's too much I can go upstairs. All said in a nice way of course, like that's actually a solution!

Your DH should be ashamed of himself for even thinking this shock I'm disgusted he could even suggest such a thing. What a twat for putting his parents above his wife, the woman he's supposed to love above all others, a woman who is having major abdominal surgery to give birth to his child. What a fuckwitted wanker. He needs to grow up, put you first and say no to his parents. If they can afford to have the place landscaped they can afford to find a short term let.

I think you should start with the proposition that this is simply not going to happen, and start getting practical.

It sounds like they need somewhere to live for 6-8 weeks.

How many of those weeks can they stay with ILs? Is her mother really there this whole time?

Perhaps, as a compromise, you could say that they can stay with you at the end of this period, in July, so a month or so after your section. But set the earliest date they can come and stick to it.

If they insist they can't afford to rent somewhere else I would go so far as to offer to rent it for them. I know you shouldn't have to but sometimes money does solve problems and it would give them no excuse to impose on you.


Mr Curious: however hard it will be for you to stand up to your parents and deal with the fallout, it is nothing compared to how hard it will be for your wife to go through all this with your parents hovering around. Please be a nice guy and sort it out properly.

FairyJen Thu 14-Mar-13 10:31:52

Its worth pointing out that "just walking upstairs" is bloody painful post cs. It used to take me 10 min and could carry baby at same time sometimes particularly if pain killers were wearing off.

TBA: I only maintain any contact because Ds1 is now 12 (he was 9 at the time) and has always known his grandmother. The contact is seriously limited but I think it would be harmful to DS1 to completely cut her off. I have even more limited contact with my sister, to the point that I know neither her address nor phone number (indeed, I only know which city she lives in, and have never visited). If DS2 had been my first child, there's no way I'd have continued contact and he's never know he had maternal grandparents at all.

FairyJen Thu 14-Mar-13 10:32:12

* couldn't carry baby

Also, if you are managing the renovations, perhaps you can find some "problem" that will delay things even more, so they won't need to leave their house until later and can go back to staying with ILs.

No No No No No! YANBU!

If the extended work is mostly external (conservatory, steps and landscaping) then why cant they move back into their own home?

To even suggest it is ridiculous!

Catchingmockingbirds Thu 14-Mar-13 10:38:58

Why are you the one dealing with all this? BIL can't have them staying as his mil is visiting, you can't have them stay as you're moving house and expecting a baby. Why is BIL now off the hook but you just have to try and fit them in anyway regardless of new baby and house move?

BIL can get a blow up bed for his livingroom and they can all take turns sleeping on it.

2rebecca Thu 14-Mar-13 10:41:21

I also think that the only reason they have nowhere else to go is because they haven't started looking for anywhere yet.
Sorting out accomodation should have been done first and when they decided on stuff that extended the timetable they should have arranged accommodation before agreeing to the garden stuff, which otherwise could be done at a later date when inside the house.
Our extension took 2 months longer than planned.
They may have to cancel the house stuff and have it when they can stay with your BIL, or just start looking for accommodation now. They aren't little children, they should have sorted this out first. This isn't an emergency. They are doing this stuff to enhanse their lives but it shouldn't be at the expense of the quality of your life.

"And there is no way you should pay for Sky Sports, rehome your dog to your mother, and go sit upstairs in your bedroom if their presence is too much, just so that they can save a little money. At the expense of your bonding with baby, your breast milk and feeding, and building bonds between your dc and newborn."

This, a million times this ^^

As someone whose babies did not come home for nearly two months, I never got that time to spend hours snuggling with them, to properly establish breast feeding, to recuperate from a CS in my own bed, and I would give almost anythign to have that time. Don't give it up out of some misplaced sense of duty and politeness and fuckwitted husband

Maryz Thu 14-Mar-13 10:42:09

I think if I was you I would leave the house, take your kids and either stay in the lovely holiday cottage or if you would enjoy it with your parents.

Leave them to it.

If they have the money for such a major renovation, they have the money for a month's rental.

The timing couldn't possibly be worse.

MissPants Thu 14-Mar-13 10:43:14

I second showing him the thread. He might realise that it isn't just you being awkward, it's genuinely important to your ability to recover from a CS, bond as a family and avoid serious resentment later on.

Also, fuck going upstairs in your own house! Tell him if this happens you will be asking his parents to go upstairs when its too much. See how he likes it being turned around, I'm betting he'd be outraged at the prospect of his parents being banished upstairs. Pity the thought of his wife having to do so doesn't inspire such a reaction hmm

AllOverIt Thu 14-Mar-13 10:47:47

YANBU. Outraged on your behalf.

Please show your 'D'H this thread. Appalling lack of support.


You need to put your foot down about this now. The stress is no good for you, and the long term resentment within the family that will be created by this ridiculous situation won't be good for anybody!

If bil can't have them anymore then they need to go on holiday/rent or buy a caravan or stay in a cheap hotel. This is their problem not yours.

And yes, show your dh this thread. I've had 4 c-sections, unless you've had one it can be difficult to understand what it is like and how long recovery takes. You just want to rest in the privacy of your own home and recover, not have it full of bloody in laws!

HazleNutt Thu 14-Mar-13 10:51:26

Saw the thread title and thought that well, of course it's inconvenient, but if they have nowhere else to stay..

But after reading - YANBU! What ledkr said earlier - you will have a newborn, you need to be able to relax in your own home and do what you want, which will also include sitting in your old PJs, leaking all over and breastfeeding the baby on the sofa while watching whatever you want, if anything. I don't quite imagine doing it next to FIL who insists on absolute quiet while he watches some stupid sports programs.

So your DH really thinks it's reasonable to "send you to your room" if you want some privacy?

Crinkle77 Thu 14-Mar-13 10:52:49

Really feel for you OP but I think you and your husband are going to have to set some ground rules. Firstly that you will not be doing all the meals. Tell them to treat it as their own home ie. that they do not need to wait to be offered a drink or something to eat. Just go and help themselves. They will also have to clear up after themselves. With regards to the Sky Sports can they not have a telly in their room and if your PIL wants to watch it he can go upstairs. I think you need to have a discussion with them and just tell them how it is going to be.

GregBishopsBottomBitch Thu 14-Mar-13 10:53:48

Yeah show him the thread and we can tell him that:

1) C section is major surgery, i know, i couldnt have a dump for 4 days nor sleep in my own bed for 4 weeks
2) OP needs privacy and her own space, and being shunted upstairs, is not nice and the suggestion is pretty cunty.
3) Yes, they will get on OP's nerves and want to hog the baby.
4) Sky sports, how twatty can one person be.
5) The dog, its his home, not PIL, get a grip, idiot.
6) Your wife's wellbeing and emotional should be your number one priority.
8) Stop being an idiot and say no to them.

catsmother Thu 14-Mar-13 10:54:52

There are so many potential solutions to this but it sounds like the PILs and indeed your DH can't be bothered to investigate these as it's "easier" and less expensive to impose upon you. I'll concede - just about - that maybe as a man DH can't quite imagine how vital it is for a new mum to safeguard her privacy if she wants to - but for heavens sake he is already a parent and should have some inkling of these matters - or at least be prepared to be guided by you and allow you the final say. However, MIL is a mother herself and it's extraordinarily insensitive of her (in particular) to suggest/expect this with no regard for your feelings when she's been through the birth experience herself. Unless they'd been made homeless suddenly and unexpectedly and it truly was a genuine emergency - am thinking fire/flood - no-one in their right mind would even bloody well bother to mention such an imposition at a time like this and cause you all this stress/worry/bad feeling with DH long before June. What have they done to try and sort this out ? - they have 3 months to do it.

Okay, so, they could :

* Work round BIL's MIL's visit
* Stay with friends - maybe several different friends for shorter periods of time
* Ditto other relatives
* Go on holiday for some or all of this time
* Rent/buy caravan or motorhome and remain on site (maybe sell when no longer needed)
* Postpone the bloody work that apparently requires them to be out of the house
* Rent something short term
* Stay in B&B or Travelodge

And if they can't afford these options or find someone willing to put them up for free then they'll have to rethink their landscaping won't they.

Unless you feel 100% comfortable BTW you shouldn't be moving to your own parents for the duration either while PILs have the run of your new house for god knows how long. However lovely your parents are it still won't be your home and you're still going to have the privacy issues there and lose the ability to chill out on your own terms.

It goes without saying that you should be DH's first priority of course.

noblegiraffe Thu 14-Mar-13 10:56:21

No no no. Not even with ground rules is this acceptable. Just a flat out no and tell your DH that you and your children are his priority and you will not be shoved aside for his parents who can and should sort out elsewhere to stay.

I'm utterly horrified at the idea that these two mature adults would actually think it's perfectly acceptable to lodge with OP in these circumstances. Have they no shame, to think that saving themselves some money takes priority over a woman who has just given birth?

A pregnant strop is exactly what you need to have. Don't make yourself ill with it, but tell your DH that this is not happening. A C-Section seriously limits your mobility, and means that you cannot traipse up and down the house avoiding TV-hogging in-laws. It is regrettable, but the delays to your in-laws' renovation means that they must find paid temporary accommodation. They cannot stay with you.

And I also agree that you should show your DH this thread. I've never seen so much support for an OP on AIBU.

I agree that even with ground rules , this will not work.

catsmother Thu 14-Mar-13 11:04:54

Yeah I wouldn't go near "ground rules" either. It'll be impossible to think of everything you'd need them to do in order not to feel uncomfortable and there's huge potential for rows, resentment and misunderstanding when someone "misinterprets" the rules - which they're bound to. The issue isn't whether or not they'll "behave themselves" - it's the fact they're there at all.

Hopasholic Thu 14-Mar-13 11:19:54

I've got a trailer tent if you want it grin
Fwiw my blood has been boiling reading this. No way on earth should they come and stay. Your memories are precious and they will ruin it for you.
If you're stressed, so are the DC's. They are being so unreasonable and so is your DH. Put your foot down with a firm hand angry

gymmummy64 Thu 14-Mar-13 11:20:11

Also if your newborn is anything like my two were, the very last thing your FIL would get would be peace and quiet to watch TV. Yes, some babies do little but sleep for the first month or so, but others most certainly do not!

digerd Thu 14-Mar-13 11:23:26

I am so sad that your DH is opting out of telling his parents NO, but that is not unusual, I'm afraid. PIL sound very domineering and DH is taking the easy way out at your expense. He's a coward!. You do not need all this stress at this time and he should be doing everything to make things easier for you, not much worse.
Very sad.

Fuck this shit.
Say no and repeat no until it sinks in.
Show your partner this thread: OPs partner, do your wife a favour and stand up to your parents, would you? She doesn't need this at such a difficult time in her life/your marriage and aren't you looking forward to the month of becoming a family of four? I had a blissful time in the first two weeks of my DC2s life as we settled into being a 4 from a 3 and it was great! Don't spoil it!

hufflepup Thu 14-Mar-13 11:26:54

No no no no no! My tummy is in an angry knot just thinking about how awful that sounds! Ugh. Absolutely put your foot down. You don't want to spend these weeks hiding in your bedroom to get some peace. No no no

Loa Thu 14-Mar-13 11:28:11


I think your best bet is to look for alternatives - short lets/holiday lets.

It's what my parents did when suddenly backed into a corner by a relative at last minute - would have been carnage if the relative shad stayed with them.

I'd also not apologies to IL or DH for not going along with this plan- I'd get very angry with them for proposing it and let them know that.

I expect this plan is the path of least resistant for them at minute and your being expected to fall in - if you make a fuss and give them an alternative they'll probably jump at it.

mistlethrush Thu 14-Mar-13 11:31:39

Can you and your DD go and stay at your parents for a couple of weeks - and let DH and PiL stay then - and then say you'll be returning WITH the dog, which won't be shut out because there's going to be enough stress for him with another baby in the house to cope with without being excluded from family life...

Loa Thu 14-Mar-13 11:35:14

If your IL aren't listening - write to them politely stating this isn't happening and tell them you are very angry that they would put you and your unborn DC under this level of stress.

Enclose the list of alternative they have.

Then get very angry with anyone who says anything to you about it again. I expect there will be bad feeling what ever you do though.

Loa Thu 14-Mar-13 11:38:00

Personally I wouldn't be moving out my house and I'd be annoyed that it was being put on my plate at all.

This isn't your problem its your ILs - don't let them and your DH make it your problem.

HeathRobinson Thu 14-Mar-13 11:42:32

Is it just me, or does it seem very convenient that they have to stay with you the month that dh is off and when the baby is a newborn?

If this were happening to me, I would move out myself, if necessary.

BeeBopDingALing Thu 14-Mar-13 11:44:58

YANBU. No way would I want my MIL staying with us for that long trying to take over. Your DH should be supporting you and telling them it is not going to happen.

morethanpotatoprints Thu 14-Mar-13 11:45:43

Definitely not, no way. YANBU under the circumstances.

I would tell dh its fine as long as he takes the time off, why is he not taking time off anyway. House move, his first child, new baby and major surgery. He should be at home anyway.

Ledkr Thu 14-Mar-13 11:48:47

If you absolutely can't stop this then how about actually booking them somewhere for the two weeks after the baby comes and saying why.
I'd do that even at my own cost rather than go through what I went through before.
It's awful and your dh needs to realise where his loyalties lie.
I also think you should show him this thread.

catsmother Thu 14-Mar-13 11:54:10

I wondered that too Heath .... it seems so damn obvious to me to postpone the building work until such time it's easier for them to vacate the house yet they've seemingly not even begun to consider that. I'm not saying they necessarily planned this - and it does sound as if FIL would be happy wherever he was so long as he had Sky Sports - but when things overran I do think it might have given MIL - she of the "my baby" persuasion - the perfect "excuse" to come and play dollies happy families with the newborn, taking the baby out to show it off to friends and so on. That of course would be another source of distress and worry for the OP - having to fend off such requests, and MIL getting the hump because OP doesn't want to relinquish her newborn.

digerd Thu 14-Mar-13 11:59:44

You, your 2-year-old and the coming baby ARE his priorities. His <selfish> parents are NOT. <fuming face>

nicelyneurotic Thu 14-Mar-13 12:05:51

Omg, you have to say sorry but no. I would not want them around for labour and returning home with a new baby. Perhaps you can have a hormonal meltdown (tears/screaming) after two days and chuck them out saying this isn't going to work. With any luck they'll check in to the nearest hotel and keep their distance!

ItsallisnowaFeegle Thu 14-Mar-13 12:06:37

YADNBU! I fell to pieces when MIL & BIL came to stay literally days after DS arrived and after an horrific birth.

It doesn't matter who they are, it's the last thing you need when feeling vulnerable and in pain.

DH should be having a word.

jumpingjackhash Thu 14-Mar-13 12:07:02

I'm really angry on your behalf curious, is your 'D'H really that thick that he doesn't realise what he's suggesting, or just totally whipped by his parents he can't stand up to them and support his wife?

You really do have my sympathy - I hope you show your DH this thread and he takes it on board.

EasilyBored Thu 14-Mar-13 12:13:26

No no no. A million times no. I'm so cross on your behalf. I can't imagine anything worse than having unwanted house guests when you've just had a baby AND moved house.

Maybe say to them that they can come and stay, but that due to all the moving difficulties they will be sleeping on the sofa as you wont have time to unpack the spare room, and you definitely wont be able to get the Sky hooked up for weeks after you move so they will be stuck watching endless Peppa Pig DVDs with DD1.

Or maybe come at them all sunny and positive and be like 'WOW! It's so great of you to offer to come round and do all the cooking and cleaning while DH and I bond with our new baby. I'll be sure to make you lots of lists of all the jobs I need doing round the house!'?

curiousgeorgie Thu 14-Mar-13 12:16:19

My mum asked the same question about them going back to their house as all the extra work is external, but they're not putting it on the end of the schedule, they've slotted it in the middle so that the knocking down internal walls through to new spaces (conservatory and extension) would still be watertight... Then it's internal stuff, new bathrooms, putting in downstairs loo and utility.. New wiring and plastering throughout, redecoration throughout, new kitchen, new fireplace and altering the layout will all be the bit they can't be there for.

I've been on the phone to DH having a massive row about this, I've read him some thread but his thinking is that as I'm not going to be breast feeding (due to a series of surgeries I had to have in my early twenties I had to have most of the breast taken away and reconstructed so it's not possible) then a lot of the concerns aren't valid. But this is a major reason for me, with my DD because she was bottle fed everyone wanted to 'have a go' and you sort of don't have a leg to stand on about doing it yourself... Other than being home alone just wanting cuddles and not putting them down, but I'm going to lose that with them here.

BIL and SIL's plan is that her mum arrives on the 5th June, giving us time to move house, then MIL & FIL can come to our new house with plenty of room from the 4th / 5th until her mum goes home (but flights home to ireland not yet booked and last time she stayed six weeks). But the new house has an extra bedroom, but one room less reception space... So we'll actually be more cramped in than we would be here.

I said that I would compromise and have them until my c section date but then they have to find somewhere else but DH said that how can we tell them to just go at the bit MIL is most excited at being around for.

My dog going is just not going to happen... It would be all I need for him to associate being sent away with my new DD, and I'd miss him terribly too.

It is just so frustrating, this whole thing is just going to make so many problems for DH and me. I asked SIL to lunch to talk it over but she's so far dodging my text...

curiousgeorgie Thu 14-Mar-13 12:19:42

Oh, and my DH does contract work so paternity isn't paid. Between taking two weeks off unpaid, bits and bobs we need for the baby, DH and i getting (legally) married in two weeks time, moving costs & new house and having to fly to Ireland and stay there for four nights a few weeks later for SIL wedding we have no spare money to house them somewhere else.

ScottyDoc Thu 14-Mar-13 12:20:51

What is it with mother in laws trying to impose themselves in particular! How do people so conveniently forget what it's like to have a baby and the overwhelming feelings?!

curiousgeorgie Thu 14-Mar-13 12:21:38

My parents are really local, just round the corner literally, but have my two younger brothers (still at secondary school & one at college, huge age gap between me and them) so don't really have the space for me... sad

owlface Thu 14-Mar-13 12:23:13

Do they really have to move out of their own house while building work is done? My parents moved, one winter, into a house which was sold as uninhabitable - it was boarded up, structurally unsound in parts, no utilities and uninsurable. Also a friend moved into her house which needed a lot of work doing, she has had to cope with no floorboards, no bathroom, no electricity etc and she has children and pets! Her neighbour ran an extension lead through a window so they could have power. Neither situation was ideal by any stretch of the imagination but people manage somehow.

Years ago I had a very unhappy living situation for a year. Looking back I wish I had just moved out, rented somewhere else and had to pay double rent for that period, even though I could barely afford one rent, as the effects of that year on my self esteem and confidence were so long lasting. So perhaps you could club together with other family to rent somewhere for PIL if they insist they can't afford to. It could avoid long term damage.

EasilyBored Thu 14-Mar-13 12:23:18

Oh god, if they can feed her, they will never let you have any time alone with her.

Maybe say to DH that if he thinks this kind of unhappiness and fighting between is bad, he should consider what four weeks of it will be like.

Surely they can stay locally somewhere and MIL can still come and visit you for the day etc?

BobblyGussets Thu 14-Mar-13 12:24:06

Just tell your husband it's too hard and the timing is bad then, if he won't get rid of them after the birth.
If you have just needed to have a row with DH on the phone, keep it up. Plenty of strops, tears, the works.... and maybe threaten tears in front of PILs? Tell him you'll tell them yourself, otherwise, he will have to tell them to put the building work on hold.
Keep at it, you really mustn't let this happen OP, good luck.

ChasedByBees Thu 14-Mar-13 12:25:18

Wow, I'm really angry on your behalf. Does your DH actually want to stay married? I think if you go ahead with this then you'll end up despising your PILs and possibly also your husband for putting you in this situation.

As for his suggestions that you can go upstairs, while trying to bond with a new baby and recover from major abdominal surgery and allow your PIL to watch sky sports in peace downstairs. angry angry I want to divorce him on your behalf. The git.

StanleyLambchop Thu 14-Mar-13 12:26:44

DH said that how can we tell them to just go at the bit MIL is most excited at being around for.

Tough luck to her. You are not responsible for providing her with excitement. Just tell him that if they stay then you go. I would in your position.

BobbiFleckmann Thu 14-Mar-13 12:27:05

DH might want to remind his rude & imposing parents that they won't get a WINK of sleep iwth a newborn in the house either... that might be enough to get them into a quiet & peaceful holiday let with Sky Sports...

EasilyBored Thu 14-Mar-13 12:28:19

You could always accidentally drop the Sky box during the move.

ChasedByBees Thu 14-Mar-13 12:30:21

Just read your post about not being able to BF. feeding is one of the major ways to bond with a baby. Your the baby's mother, YOU need to bond with that child over anyone else.

I felt so fragile in those newborn days I think put into this situation I would have actually ended up screaming at them to get out and any relationship would be permanently damaged.

ScottyDoc Thu 14-Mar-13 12:30:28

OP I'm so sorry about all this sad your dh I'm afraid to say is a sad excuse for someone who is meant to look after and protect his wife. My dh has specific cultural norms with his family living in eachothers pockets babies being passed around like parcels after the birth but he knows there's no way in hell I would allow this. I think you and he have bigger issues than this in law thing. He does not have enough respect for you, and that's the truth. His parents are a fucking disgrace. Astounded at their sense of entitlement.

AllYoursBabooshka Thu 14-Mar-13 12:32:38

Tell him your privacy and time alone with your children at this time is more important that his mothers "excitement".

It's not personal, you just don't want anyone staying.

HumphreyCobbler Thu 14-Mar-13 12:34:35

You are not having a baby to provide your MIL with some excitement angry

It is not about what your MIL wants ffs. I think you should take your DH out of the equation and tell your PIL directly that this is not going to work for you. You DH is not up to the job of looking out for you, you may have to do it for yourself.

thezebrawearspurple Thu 14-Mar-13 12:36:41

What a nightmare, the last thing you need is fil squatting in your living room with skysports on all day while your mil is trying to take over your newborn. You'll have no privacy to bond and enjoy your kids, rest and you won't be able to enjoy visitors you want to see as they'll always be around. No normal, considerate person would think of imposing themselves on someone at a time like this, I find that these types never listen to polite hints/requests and you have to be blunt with them and never compromise because you give them an inch they'll always take a mile!!!

Ring your mil and tell her the truth, you have too much on your plate, you will need all the rest and privacy you can get to enjoy the rest of your pregnancy and bond with a newborn while also taking care of your dd and that won't be possible with them sitting in your house all day for over a month. They can either rearrange their schedule for work on the house or find other accommodation but you won't be putting yourself out so they can save a few pounds. If she tries to argue/guilt trip you, tell her to stop being so rude, they're not welcome, full stop.

If your dh whines about that make it clear that it's his own fault for not getting the point across himself. What a selfish man, expecting you to put up with his obnoxious parents, ruining what should be a special time.

AllYoursBabooshka Thu 14-Mar-13 12:37:25

I'm just so bloody shocked at this complete twat.

Excitement!? Fine for him to suck the excitement out of his wife and make her
miserable when she needs him most...

Ohh yes, as long as his mummy isn't put out.


Loa Thu 14-Mar-13 12:37:51

I said that I would compromise and have them until my c section date but then they have to find somewhere else but DH said that how can we tell them to just go at the bit MIL is most excited at being around for.

Don't compromise - this seems like a set up to get MIL what she wants.

I'd tell them all no - SIL, MIL - don't speak text or write. Just saying no to IL staying at all and that you don't want to hear from them for a long while.

Don't explain or compromise.

Then sit DH down and read him the riot act - tell him this isn't happening and your bloody mad at his attitude. Keep doing it till it goes in. If it doesn't them I do think you have big problems.

Having said I wouldn't move out - if no one was listening then I might well do so to avoid the situation and to make a huge point- but I'd be resentful for a long while afterwards.

It does sound like they just expect you to cave to their wishes.

GregBishopsBottomBitch Thu 14-Mar-13 12:40:45

If you did move out, the take the sky boxes, but then again, im quite petty.

"Just tell him that if they stay then you go. I would in your position."

^ This. I would too.You have offered a more than reasonable compromise, one which i wouldn't have offered being heavily pregnant and moving house. Yet it still isn't enough for your dh. He's being utterly selfish.

Not breastfeeding doesn't mean anything;

* you will still be in pain,
* you'll still be exhausted,
*you'll still be leaking ,
* you will still get hormonal and upset (who needs the IL's to witness that?)
* you could still get a scar infection ( I spent a lot of time in the bath with that one, and a lot of time laying naked from the waist down on the sofa to give it fresh air.)
*you will still be bonding with your new baby, not easy with eager grandparents wanting to whisk the baby away
* you could still get PND, in fact with all the stress it will be far more likely.

He needs to prioritise the welfare of his wife, not that of his parents.

They can TELL the builders (after all, they are paying them aren't they?!) to do the major internal house stuff FIRST, and see to the outside at the end. then hopefully they can fuck off go home before the baby arrives.

I've had 4 c-sections and I feel quite concerned and very angry for you.

comingintomyown Thu 14-Mar-13 12:41:31

Some people would be totally fine with this , the more the merrier etc.

I 100% would not be and from the sounds of it nor are you.

Keep it simple and say no that isnt going to be possible and do not include the word "sorry".

I hate to say this but are you marrying the right man ? His suggestion the dog is banished and you can go upstairs ... Also what has whether you are BF got to do with it ?

thezebrawearspurple Thu 14-Mar-13 12:43:07

And fgs, don't marry him unless this is sorted out and he understands how unreasonable he has been, expresses genuine remorse and apologises to you for being such a dickhead.

catsmother Thu 14-Mar-13 12:43:14

I knew MIL wanted to play dollies ...... angry

(not very helpful comment)

That's why they've made no attempt to alter the building schedule.

"I said that I would compromise and have them until my c section date but then they have to find somewhere else but DH said that how can we tell them to just go at the bit MIL is most excited at being around for."

Jesus, you aren't saying the in laws can't visit and squee over their new grandchild, just that they can't live with you at such a personal, private family time. If she is a decent woman she will understand. I would never treat a future daughter in law of mine like this.

"I said that I would compromise and have them until my c section date but then they have to find somewhere else but DH said that how can we tell them to just go at the bit MIL is most excited at being around for."
Ooh, that's a bit telling, isn't it? That says to me that, as speculated by HeathRobinson and catsmother earlier, _this is a set-up_; designed to facilitate WHAT MIL WANTS, and you are naught but a walk-on part to her starring role.

Time to start going ballistic, OP. I'd start by contacting PIL directly, and telling them that they need to re-plan their renovations, as they will NOT be staying with you. No more going through DH, set out to them what you NEED to happen and let them sort out what's they are going to do.

"I knew MIL wanted to play dollies ...... angry

(not very helpful comment)"

I think it is helpful. This is all about the mil playing dollies, not about her helping her dil.

I think I need to calm down. I have the urge to go and stamp on my Sky box, and we don't even have anyone wanting to watch sky sports on it lol grin

GregBishopsBottomBitch Thu 14-Mar-13 12:47:04

OP Just say no, its a stressful time for you coming up, and if you so called DH wants to get stressy then he can find somewhere to live too.

Because right he is a being a bad husband, by forcing his parents mess on you, i'd like to read him the riot act.

comingintomyown Thu 14-Mar-13 12:48:29

Yes do what whereyouleftit said

curiousgeorgie Thu 14-Mar-13 12:49:16

Technically we've been married 6 years, it's just that it came about afterwards that it wasn't 109% legal.. We did it on a beach. So the 'wedding' of ours in two weeks is just a legality, but with a nice dress and a dinner after.

SIL gets on so much better with MIL than I do, I actually think she would get on fine with her there for weeks. But the timing of her mum coming is pretty suspicious!

madonnawhore Thu 14-Mar-13 12:50:00

But the bit that you're most excited about is a month of uninterrupted snuggliness with just the four of you.

Why is it okay to disappoint you but not MIL?

Your DH is being a coward and a twat.

currentbuns Thu 14-Mar-13 12:51:12

Something very similar happened to me. It ended VERY badly. If I were you, I would do everything in my power to prevent the IL's moving in without creating a major upset - which is the last thing you need in late pregnancy. If your dh and IL's refuse to see sense, tell them you will be going to your DM's house after the CS to recover in peace.

ChipTheFish Thu 14-Mar-13 12:51:20

Your Dh is being completely unreasonable. You need to make a stand on this one.

Don't compromise.

Don't even think about spending your own money putting them up elsewhere.

Don't try and convince your SIL to take them, it's not your responsibility to find them somewhere to stay.

You need to think about yourself and your DC here. If you put yourself second on this one you'll be doing it for years to come.

You shouldn't have to explain, or reason, or compromise or justify. Just tell them NO.

curiousgeorgie Thu 14-Mar-13 12:51:33

We have to go see PIL this weekend to get rid of some of DH's old stuff from there before the work starts... Maybe I should just throw a massive hormonal strop... I might never get invited back!

If you are not legally married, I would hold off with this wedding to be honest.

Not sure I would want to be officially tied to this family.

Your husband is being a total dick.

"Maybe I should just throw a massive hormonal strop"
It sounds like you do need to throw some sort of strop. At the moment, your DH prefers to pacify his mother than you. That needs to change, and a strop might be a very good start ... wink

curiousgeorgie Thu 14-Mar-13 12:54:25

Madonna - you're exactly right. I've been so excited to have a month straight of DH, visitors we invite, DD seeing her dad and playing with him for a month straight, not just a bath before bedtime, and I'm gutted actually.

The work on PIL's house has yet to start. Now would be the perfect time for them to start discussing the schedule with the builder.

HumphreyCobbler Thu 14-Mar-13 12:55:13

Yes, ask your DH why YOUR wishes come so low on the list? Why it is OK to ignore the things YOU were looking forward to so much?

curiousgeorgie Thu 14-Mar-13 12:55:54

Because its a lot easier to say no to me than to his parents, I think.

If the work has not yet started, why not delay it so they dont have to stay with you?

Totally agree with Madonnawhore.

He is tending to his mum's happiness over yours. I'd be, quite frankly, furious.

Yes, yes! Throw the massive hormonal strop, after all you can't help it wink

narmada Thu 14-Mar-13 12:56:19

I don't think you are being U at all. There is no way on earth I would want that sort of setup if I had just had a second child.

I hope you can find a way to put your point across - life is too short to be always putting other people's needs above your own.

"Because its a lot easier to say no to me than to his parents, I think."

That needs to change!

madonnawhore Thu 14-Mar-13 12:56:29

Have you actually said yes to them yet?

If not, no need for a strop in the first instance. Just say that it's out of the question for all of the very, very good reasons that exist.

It's March, this is all happening in June. That's two and a half months for them to sort something else out. You're hardly leaving them high and dry are you?

Then make it more difficult to say no to you. Take a stand! (Not that you should bloody have to)

ChipTheFish Thu 14-Mar-13 12:56:59

Don't be gutted OP. Because if that is what you want to happen then that is what will. You are the one undergoing major surgery, you are the one giving birth, it's your house; so you decide.

FairyJen Thu 14-Mar-13 12:57:49

Pm me ils phone number. I'll tell them how twatty and unreasonable they are being! grin

Fortunately, if you move out, your git of a husband will not need to take paternity leave, he can go to work, you can use the money he earns to pay for a B and B. Still the same financial situation as before.

There is just no way you should have to put up with this angry. PIL can sleep on BIL's floor. Or just tell the builders to change the schedule round for the renovations. Or they could move in to their shed. It really doesn't matter, where they live is their problem, not yours!

You will be in pain, sleep deprived and hormonal. At your most vulnerable. You do not need your arsing MIL wanting to play dollies with your newborn while you make food and drinks for her and your lazy FIL.

Just say no and keep on saying it. NOT YOUR PROBLEM!!!

WaterfallsOver Thu 14-Mar-13 12:58:19

Yanbu. The answer has to be NO they cannot stay. The cheek of some people.

Why dont you tell him he can do what he wants, as the moment they arrives you will be off to your own parents to put your feet up.

He can host his parents!

Tell him if he is not careful there will not be a house-move together and he will have to deal with a 50/50 custody split instead, as you wont spend your future battling him over his lacking spine when it comes to his parents.

Gosh, I am so angry for you.

RobotHamster Thu 14-Mar-13 12:58:37

You can't let them anywhere near your new house - once they're in you won't getrid of them!

Just say no!

FairyJen, if you're any good at acting you could pretend to be her very concerned midwife grin

diddl Thu 14-Mar-13 12:59:13

"DH said that how can we tell them to just go at the bit MIL is most excited at being around for."

Because she's a fucking adult, not a child about to get a new toy.

I wouldn't compromise as I don't think that they would move out-nor would your husband ask them to.

Tell him if they move in-you move out!

"Because its a lot easier to say no to me than to his parents, I think."
Ah, an opportunity! smile Time to make it harder, OP - a lot harder ...

"Have you actually said yes to them yet?

If not, no need for a strop in the first instance. Just say that it's out of the question for all of the very, very good reasons that exist."

Yes. Just say "I know you are under the impression that you will stay with us, but that is because your son has no spine and have not yet told you that this is out of the question for a number of reasons I wont discuss"

Loa Thu 14-Mar-13 13:01:44

I've been so excited to have a month straight of DH, visitors we invite, DD seeing her dad and playing with him for a month straight, not just a bath before bedtime, and I'm gutted actually.

Have you actually said that to your DH? Perhaps if you sell it as time he'd be missing out on as well - time that could be wasted to rows and running round after his parents and point out his parents have several other options available - he'll be more amenable?

Say a polite and firm no to his parents - when you see them as well - or get stroppy.

It took years for my DH to say no to his parents - I said no instead till he finally got there. I cared less if they didn't like me.

diddl Thu 14-Mar-13 13:03:09

Oh and as for his thinking re the bfeeding-can I say heartless bastardangry

And it sounds as if it would be very much a case of "pass the parcel baby".

gymmummy64 Thu 14-Mar-13 13:03:40

When I recovered from my CS I wasn't cooking meals for anyone, I was recovering from a major operation and it took ages. Some people bounce back very quickly, others don't and I was definitely an 'other'.

So does your DP appreciate that he would be doing the catering for his parents and for you and for DC1? Not to mention the tidying up and cleaning - all the picking up and bending, all the lugging the hoover around? Because you certainly won't. Oh and the shopping and the driving of course because you won't be driving for a few weeks. And that all of these tasks will be a much greater overhead with 2 extra layabouts people in the house?

And of course if you're 'upstairs' sleeping/bonding/trying to get some space then he will be responsible for keeping DC1 quiet so his lovely father can watch back to back sports.

Plus doing all this with a stressed, tired wife who is in pain.

Has he really understood what this would be like?

FairyJen Thu 14-Mar-13 13:04:13

head I could!! My dm is a hv so I know all the lingo etc... grin

catsmother Thu 14-Mar-13 13:04:42

I know you shouldn't have to do this - not at all - but are there any sympathetic friends or relatives of PILs you know well enough to speak to about this, who, in theory have the space to put them up and who might be willing to consider doing so ??

I know it's a big ask - both for you (by having to broach the subject at all) and for whoever might end up with them - but if it were possible to say to them "you don't need to stay here, Alan and Barbara are happy to have you stay" it would presumably take the wind out of DH's sails as you couldn't be accused of "throwing them onto the street" or whatever.

Of course, it would also reveal - once and for all - their real motivation in making such a ludicrous suggestion if DH and/or MIL then started to object to them staying at Alan & Barbaras wouldn't it ? They'd no longer have the "homeless" excuse to beat you with. And then you could say, guilt-free, that they were "welcome" (though bet you don't feel very welcoming right now) to visit and see new baby (when it suited you) which would be fair enough.

thezebrawearspurple Thu 14-Mar-13 13:05:07

I wouldn't go to their house this weekend because they could use the opportunity to gang up on you and bully you into submission. Just say no and mean it. Say it directly to pil now, call your mil immediately and tell her they're not welcome and to change building schedule or find other accommodation.

curiousgeorgie Thu 14-Mar-13 13:05:36

Because they need the work to finish before they go away for BIL's wedding and are hosting a party / reception there for people who were unable to fly to the wedding the week they get back. This is what initially promoted all the work.

I've not said yes technically because there hasn't been a question, it was just decided as there was no alternative hmm

madonnawhore Thu 14-Mar-13 13:06:00

Diddl is right. What he said about you breast feeding was really thoughtless.

madonnawhore Thu 14-Mar-13 13:07:39

Wow, you weren't even consulted?!

Time to go stratospheric.

MumofWombat Thu 14-Mar-13 13:07:49

I live in Australia and I am due to have a csection for DC2 in 14 days. My parents have arrived from the UK to stay with us.
I know there will be times when the will irritate the bejesus out of me, but so far they have totally taken over cooking, washing up, laundry, hoovering, making tea and delivering glasses of water, tidying up DSs toys etc to give me a break. I did actually cook yesterday, but only because they were bathing DS and clearing up after the mess he managed to make of spaghetti with a tomato sauce (he was covered head to toe...).
They have also taken DSs baby monitor so they get up to him in the morning to give me a chance to sleep in, as well as babysitting (I spent 6 hours at hospital today having various tests - I'm not having an easy pregnancy). They are also insisting that DH and I have a chance to have a 'date' this week.
Once we are home from hospital and DH is on paternity leave, they are planning a road trip so that we get a chance to bond as a foursome without them being here.
This weekend it's a Grand Prix weekend, which my Dad is obsessed with, however, I know in a heartbeat he would turn the tv over so DS could watch in the night garden if he wanted. Although actually DS will probably enjoy watching the cars race around the track!
As I said earlier, there will be times they irritate me, but they are here to help us rather than hinder us. They have thought about how to help. I am constantly being told to sit down, to put my feet up, do I need a drink or a snack etc. They are also making DHs life easier as he can go to cricket practice without feeling guilty at all!
Late pregnancy, a csection and baby bonding is an emotional, difficult time. You only need people around you who are there for you. If your inlaws can't step up then they can't stay. And that's all there is to it.
Oh, and we have a cat whom my Mum is not at all keen on. But she is feeding her, changing her water etc. No consideration given at all of the cat going elsewhere....

Ginformation Thu 14-Mar-13 13:08:06

I have been pondering over this all morning OP, still completely enraged about your situation. I was going to ask if your ILs could stay with your parents, but I see that not possible. Surely your ILs have some friends somewhere they could stay with?

I would suggest approaching your MIL directly to talk it over- maybe suggest a shopping day to get bits for new baby then you can talk on neutral ground without other family members interjecting? Maybe she will understand if you explain your position. She has probably assumed that you will be grateful for the extra pair of hands to justify her imposition. Do not rely on dh to relay your concerns, there is a danger they will be brushed away if you are not involved with the discussion.

someoftheabove Thu 14-Mar-13 13:08:50

Have so changed my mind about this since I posted this morning because it seems it's not now just about having unwanted guests at the worst possible time. It's about you being supported by your DH to assert your right to have your needs and wishes put right at the top of the list.

No-one else in this scenario has anywhere near as much right as you to decide what happens. Not your ILs, not your SIL / BIL, not even your 'D'H.

If it helps, what I do when I know a conversation is going to be difficult is I become like a broken record and would just say, "It's such a shame we can't put you up, but there you go, these things happen when you have major building work. If the baby wasn't coming at the same time, we would of course put you up. But the baby is coming and we can't put you up.".

And I agree with comingintomyown that you mustn't even think of saying sorry. Just banish the word from your head. You have nothing to be sorry for.

Loa Thu 14-Mar-13 13:09:11

it was just decided as there was no alternative

Then a good way of avoiding it is to firmly state no to them they can't stop and oh look here are all your other options.

AllYoursBabooshka Thu 14-Mar-13 13:11:16

You want to recover from surgery and have a peaceful, private time after giving birth. There is no alternative.

They will survive. As Horrace rightly said, this isn't your problem.

Andro Thu 14-Mar-13 13:11:30

I may have missed it somewhere in the thread, but there appears to be a MN favourite missing...

No is a complete sentence!

Failing that, dissolves into tears during a discussion about this - sob your way through the explanation of how you were looking forward to time with just the 4 of you etc.

HeathRobinson Thu 14-Mar-13 13:11:42

MumofWombat - what lovely parents you have. smile

3rdnparty Thu 14-Mar-13 13:13:33

Seriously you have to say no, maybe you have to do it directly to mil/fil - if they haven't asked then maybe you should raise it at the weekend.

Ask them directly where they are going to be staying whilst sil mum there?...put them on the may/maybe not hard depending how your hormones are at the weekend but don't let it fester - if they start making assumptions as dp wont say anything the result will be worse....seriously this is not good for you all the worrying about it never mind it actually happenning....just say no

Emilythornesbff Thu 14-Mar-13 13:15:31

Ok, on reflection and after seeing that they're are not super lovely (in fact, seem a bit nightmarish) I change my vote to YADNBU!

What to do about it though?
Good luck.

look you're being far too reasonable.

don't compromise. don't have them at all.

it's not your problem. you tell your dh 'no way josé'.

and this weekend when they say 'oh we'll be staying at yours.'

you say:

'oh didn't dh tell you? it's impossible i'm afraid.'

and then don't say anything else except to repeat that sentence.

start practicing now.

madonnawhore Thu 14-Mar-13 13:17:44

You're the one who will have just had major surgery. You're the one whose body will be going absolutely bananas for a while. YOU get to decide what happens. Not DH and not the bloody ILs.

You're going to have to say no when you see them. Who gives a fuck if they think you're the bad guy.

ivykaty44 Thu 14-Mar-13 13:19:44

there are plenty of places this couple could go and stay - but they don't want to .

They are not short of money having all this work done to the house - they could book a holiday home, they could go away on holiday, they could hire a canal boat, they could use a caravan somewhere nice for three week. Plenty of places this couple could go.

No they want in on this baby and they don't give a sh*t about this mother bonding with her child or the father getting plenty of time to play with the other child on her own - having daddy to yourself when a new born comes along would be lovely.

tell your dh you will go and stay in a rented holiday let for the month with both your dd's and that way his parents can have the house to themselves and it ends the problem wink

FierceBadIggi Thu 14-Mar-13 13:21:21

I know a few families who have had major work done on their homes (lucky bastards). In each case they have arranged a short term rental.
I think having them for a short time, pre-birth, might be reasonable. But not what they are proposing. Imagining your dh home for a month post-birth, and them both there as well - not good.

MadamGazelleIsMyMum Thu 14-Mar-13 13:23:08

Yes, maybe head it off at the pass when you see them OP. Something along the lines of "would you like any help looking for a short term let?"

tangerinefeathers Thu 14-Mar-13 13:23:26

Oh, I'm deeply pissed off on your behalf.

You've been completely railroaded by the lot of them, presenting it as a fait accompli, when in fact it sounds as if the SIL can't be arsed having them stay for a month and your MIL just wants to get her hands on your newborn.

I'm still driven mad by the fact that my sister (who I don't get on with) turned up in the labour suite, hung around for four hours and went through the gory birth shots when I was in the loo. It wasn't just trying to breastfeed for the first time, and knowing I looked like hell, and being so tired I could barely speak. It was the fact that I had to be polite, accommodating, civil, at a time when I was feeling so vulnerable and stunned. It was having to make bloody chit chat on a once-in-a-lifetime day that basically passed me by as I provided entertainment for her on a slow work day.

It was the need to act 'normal' at at time when I felt anything but. It was horrible, and I urge you not to give in on this one. At least when I got home I could turn the phone off and not answer the door [reserved at the best of times, complete recluse post-birth].

Just say no, as often as it takes for them to listen. Be apologetic but firm - I'm sorry, I've had a good think about it and I just don't feel we'll be able to have you at that time. I'm going to be exhausted and it's a huge operation and afterwards I'll need time to recover and I just don't think it's the right time for guests. So sorry about that, but I'm sure you've got the means to work something out (and of course they do, those extensions sound pretty bloody extensive).

And no doubt they'll say, oh, we'll help, we'll do everything. And say, oh yes, any other time, but it's just not a good time for guests. Or some other line that reminds them of their place in your home - family or not, in your house they are guests.

I suspect they know they are being unreasonable, and are being extra pushy as they dearly want to be there at such a special time - everyone loves a newborn, after all - and taking advantage of the fact that you're probably tired and distracted and not strong enough to put up much of a fight.

ChasedByBees Thu 14-Mar-13 13:24:44

If you've been issued with a statement you need to issue one right back delivered with a 'what a ludicrous suggestion!' face. I would go into lots of detail as well to make them as uncomfortable as possible. So:

'Of course you can't stay - I'll be naked from the waist down airing my C section scar to help it heal. I'll be bleeding a lot and need my personal space. DD will be watching CBeebies so there'll be no sky sports and to make sure our dog doesn't associate being sent away with the new baby, he will be in the house with full access to all rooms so he knows he's part of the family. It's obviously not going to work!'

If this gets an offer of 'help' then say, 'Surely it's most important that as a mother I bond with the baby? You see that don't you? Because your current plan to be in our personal space while we're bonding and while I'm recovering from a major physical trauma will really prevent that happening. We get on very well, lets not put our relationship at risk.'

Although actually if you give reasons, you sometimes give people an opportunity to find answers.

So a steely glare and just, 'your plan to stay with us isn't going to work'. Might be better. No explanations.

Both options will cause ruffled feathers but I think it's better than the massive rift that would occur if they stay.

tangerinefeathers Thu 14-Mar-13 13:25:07

PS and don't even worry about getting your DH to say something. Say it yourself. You're pregnant, for god's sake, with their grandchild, it may not feel like it, but you're actually in a very powerful position.

Inertia Thu 14-Mar-13 13:26:01

You need to call the PIL. Your H won't .

It would be absolute madness - you are having a major surgery and a baby, moving house, getting married, and attending another wedding.

I think I'd go from the angle of ringing MIL and telling her about the absolutely insane idea BIL has had about the clash of dates, he's suggested that PIL come to you <hysterical laughter>, isn't BIL a fool for suggesting such an untenable solution? Gosh, just imagine how bored FIL would be with no TV at all, and it would be ever so uncomfortable for him having to sit there with you with your boobs out because it's so painful while your milk is coming in and you aren't BF, and when the MW comes round to examine your stitches and bleeding.

And of course as you won't have any functioning spare rooms until everything has been unpacked they would have to sleep on the floor in the living room- for 8 weeks, just imagine! Especially when you're in the same room with them in the early hours of the morning with a crying newborn, because you can't let the baby wake DS.

Do not let this happen.

ChasedByBees Thu 14-Mar-13 13:27:17

Ooh I'm much more of a cow than tangerinefeathers grin

Tailtwister Thu 14-Mar-13 13:28:24

No, no, no! Absolutely, completely and utterly not!

I don't care how helpful they are. It's an imposition and very unfair on you.

This is what I would do (in this order);

1. Contact BIL/SIL and ask them to change their MIL plans and have them stay.
2. If that doesn't work, speak to PIL directly (your DH, not you) and say it's just not possible for them to stay and that they need to look at alternative arrangements.
3. Your DH needs to do the above ASAP! The longer he leaves it the more distressing it is for you and the harder it will be to sort out. YOU are the priority. There's no way you should have to put up with house guests just after giving birth or before.

I know it's hard OP, but I really feel you must put your foot down over this. If I was your SIL I would be fighting your corner and doing all I could to ensure they stayed with me.

Good luck and stand your ground!

tangerinefeathers Thu 14-Mar-13 13:30:01

No I'm just more passive aggressive grin

nilbyname Thu 14-Mar-13 13:30:50

You need to break it down for him and totally spell or out. No anger, no shouting just the facts.

His family staying at your family home post c section is not happening. It's a flat no, and you are she need to work out how up say that to pils. If he does not accept that and won't support that....then there is a huge fucking problem. I would let him stew on that and if he won't speak to them I. The next 48 hours, then you will.

Blu Thu 14-Mar-13 13:33:01

People (ILs, DHs) just don't seem to understand the need for a feeling of nesting and privacy that having a newborn brings with it.

Having a newborn and recovery fom a CS is a TERRIBLE time to have a house full of guests unless they are people that you feel a need to have with you. It isn't a question of 'would they put you up?' or their practicalities.

How to get this over to your DH, though.....

In truth, if he is off for 4 weeks and has them in the house I bet he will go stir crazy. And the next thing will be 'well as MIL is here to help, I may as well take on this work project...'

I would never in a million years expect to stay with anyone during the period of birth and newborn. Never!

Sorry you have all this to deal with.

FairyJen Thu 14-Mar-13 13:33:29

This really does need dealing with ASAP. From your ils pov I would imagine it would be less stressful and cheaper to book this alternative accommodation in advance rather than at the last minute so really you would be doing them a favour by putting your foot down now

Squitten Thu 14-Mar-13 13:34:56

You need to stop being so passive and get ACTIVE in all this OP, otherwise this is going to happen whether you like it or not!

TELL your DH it's no happening - no compromises, no negotiations, you WILL NOT have guests in the house. End of. Tell him to pick up the phone and tell them immediately and, if he won't, do it yourself.

If you don't speak up for yourself, none of those selfish twats are going to bother listening to you

Skinnydecafflatte Thu 14-Mar-13 13:42:37

Goodness I am worried on your behalf. I rarely comment on threads but this has incensed me.

I am due in mid August and although my inlaws are pretty inoffensive (they are staying in people who take over the sofa and tv when they come to visit) I am worried that they will want to come and stay for a few days immediately when dc2 arrives. They live seven hours away so can't just pop by. I am worrying about just a few days so I can't even imagine what a month or so would be like.

No, no and once again NO!!!!

ArtexMonkey Thu 14-Mar-13 13:46:08


What everyone else said.


Don't play games. Don't compromise and allow them to come before the birth - they will take advantage of your vulnerable state and just not leave. Don't start justifying yourself by talking about airing ypur c section scar or anything. You are entitled to say no. You are saying no. The end.

It sounds like your DH has a lack of respect for you. There's no way that my DP would ever contemplate inviting people to stay without discussing it with me first, before any invitations are issued.

And expecting that they stay for all the reasons already discussed shows he's putting your needs last when they should be at the top of his priority list.

I think you really are going to have to get vocal and make it clear that it's not happening.

someoftheabove Thu 14-Mar-13 13:48:39

I think the best idea is to speak directly to your ILs, as your DH is clearly not going to challenge them on your behalf. When you do, try this: "I can see you're disappointed, but I need you to understand that you can't stay with us. When you're feeling less upset, we can talk again and maybe I can help you find alternative arrangements".

Do not be emotionally blackmailed - try to stay detached. Easy for me to say, I know.

FierceBadIggi Thu 14-Mar-13 13:50:39

That's a good point Artex they might just not go - I change my mind about letting them stay at all, easier too to get a let for a slightly longer period I'd imagine.
My dm is a great help with babies, but I remember dh saying he would cut short his PL if she stayed on, as he just wasn't getting a look in regarding looking after the newborn.

Magimedi Thu 14-Mar-13 13:52:46

Just adding my resounding NO to everyone elses.

If they can afford all the work to the house they can afford to find somewhere to rent for a couple of months.

Or maybe they could do a housesitting job.

But it's their problem, not yours. Your house, your CS, you have the absolute right to refuse.

RooneyMara Thu 14-Mar-13 13:54:11

Oh god I really hope you can sort this out. I am really sorry for you.

ArtexMonkey Thu 14-Mar-13 14:00:03

I always think about poor ledkr and her legendarily awful pils. She thought she'd laid the law down clearly enough anout when they were to get gone iirc, and they just pleased themselves while her dh looked on like a wet lettuce and she sobbed her heart out angry

I am still furious with my mil for her tactlessness, nosiness and imposition during the afermath of my dcs' births and she is actually a v nice woman, amateur hour really for mils on here. But she just didn't 'get it', i do wonder if this is a specific thing to mums of only boy babies tbh, who gave birth in a time when people didn't talk much about 'bonding' and the fourth trimester etc, they've not hadthe experience of parenting a pubescent girl then a woman then a pg woman so the wimminz issues part of their brain is still stuck in a time when upu left your baby in a pram down the garden while you got your husband's tea on.

sugarandspite Thu 14-Mar-13 14:01:35

curious you said in your op that you and DH are overseeing the building work?

So could you have a conversation with the builders (cry and explain what you're being threatened with) and see what they can do to change the dates / work around PIL living there / reorder the renovations?

Then present it to PIL as a fait acompli? 'Oh PIL, DH told me what difficulty you are having since BIL has let you down. I know DH suggested staying here but that's obviously completely unworkable. So I have spoken to the builders and you won't need to leave the house at all!' <helpful smile>

curiousgeorgie Thu 14-Mar-13 14:03:24

Okay, i've written DH an email (best way to contact him at work and get a proper reply. Saying absolutely no way is this happening, I was so looking forward to a month of snuggling on the sofa, taking our daughters to the local park for the babies first outing, DD getting a whole month of daddy, and if you are really telling me that the dog has to go, and I'm going to lose all that time alone with new DD then you'll be staying with them alone because I'll find somewhere else to go.

I said he has to think of an alternative today, as I'm not letting this stress me out any longer, and I'd he doesn't then I'm going to get my mum to speak to them (I think the only person they'll listen to, there's no way me speaking to them will make a difference!) and after having me in tears on the phone this morning, she will not be nice about it.

And this will either lead to an absolutely massive row, or an afternoon of silence I'm sure!

Well done OP. Fingers crossed..

ChipTheFish Thu 14-Mar-13 14:06:43

Well done OP. Hope it turns out well smile

curiousgeorgie Thu 14-Mar-13 14:07:33

Sugarandspite - we were, I think PIL thought it would be too much. I found a whole lot of contractors, had them round to give quotes, got references, picked one and set a schedule of payments and work, then sorted the dates by which cupboards, tiles, paint colours etc had to be picked and since then they've taken the reigns of it back.

candyandyoga Thu 14-Mar-13 14:08:12

Good for you! Brilliant - stand your ground. Pils sound awful!

Well done. I'm glad you have your mum fighting your corner at least x

nilbyname Thu 14-Mar-13 14:13:25

Well done, it's in motion now&#128512;

AllYoursBabooshka Thu 14-Mar-13 14:15:41


Well done Georgie. smile

diddl Thu 14-Mar-13 14:17:59

You know if anyone had to be bribed with Sky to babysit their GC, then they just aren't worth another thought-either of them tbh.

Whocansay Thu 14-Mar-13 14:18:01

OP I've just read this thread. I would be seriously considering whether I would want to make your 'marriage' legal at this point. The lack of consideration from your partner is staggering. He should be fighting your corner and making life as easy as possible for you. Instead, he is prioritising his parents.

If he won't back down, take your child and your dog and rent somewhere else close to your parents for the duration of their visit (if you really can't stay with your parents).

And his parents can fuck off. How can anyone think its reasonable to expect someone to pay for Sky Sports for a whole month just to babysit for an evening.

curiousgeorgie Thu 14-Mar-13 14:21:38

My DH is usually amazing, helps me so much with DD and works crazy hours so I can be at home with her... His parents are literally his only flaw wink

ArtexMonkey Thu 14-Mar-13 14:22:55

That's great that your mum's on side, break out the big guns grin

PickledInAPearTree Thu 14-Mar-13 14:23:33

My MIL came to help when my ds2 was born the week before last as he was in special care for a week. Day three post partum she had a go at me because my toaster was a bit crumby underneath and said it needed a "jolly good clean"


LadyPessaryPam Thu 14-Mar-13 14:24:36

Did you insert the toaster up her rectum? I would have.

diddl Thu 14-Mar-13 14:26:27

"How can anyone think its reasonable to expect someone to pay for Sky Sports for a whole month just to babysit for an evening. "

But even sadder that it went ahead...

His parents might be his only flaw-but it's a bloody big one.

He's actually being nasty & bullying to you because of them!!

PickledInAPearTree Thu 14-Mar-13 14:26:55

I was on my way to see baby in hospital I managed just to hiss that it really wasn't a priority.

Then flicked rude hand gestures at her in the lounge.

God knows how I managed not to actually keep that toaster away from her arse!

curiousgeorgie Thu 14-Mar-13 14:30:11

I have to admit it was me who said 'oh let's just buy the bloody sky sports for a month!' because my little brother was the lead in his school play and made me promise to go and the only other people I would leave DD with (my parents, older brother, best friend) were either going to the play or busy! blush

curiousgeorgie Thu 14-Mar-13 14:30:54

Pickled that is horrible!!

GreenEggsAndNichts Thu 14-Mar-13 14:32:03

wow. Only read through page 5 but holy crap. shock Shall be waiting with bated breath to hear what happens next...

And fwiw, YADNBU!! Absolutely shocking that they'd just assume it was okay once plans fell through with your SIL. Reasonable people know what an imposition it is to be in a house for that long (yes even my own parents) much less that long + pregnant, then new baby, etc.

jumpingjackhash Thu 14-Mar-13 14:35:41

Well done curious, hope your DH sees that you're not to be messed with on this one and grows a spine

At least your own mum sounds sane!

I'm horrified by some of the MIL stories on here - we're still trying for our first but I'm already picking up tips, should my own MIL 'turn'!

jumpingjackhash Thu 14-Mar-13 14:36:15

PS Should add, my MIL is currently one of my favourite people in the world <lucky>

I will admit that I haven't read all 12 pages of the thread yet but I wanted to say I don't think (based on pg 1) that you're being at all unreasonable.

Now to read the next 11 pages to see if my opinion still holds <fingers crossed>

curiousgeorgie Thu 14-Mar-13 14:40:52

You're very lucky wink

Pickled shock

"I couldn't give a flying fuck about the toaster" would have been a perfectly reasonable response.

FairyJen Thu 14-Mar-13 14:57:06

pickled that was very restrained! I would have been right in mils face givin her finger, it probably would've gone right up her fucking nose!

Toaster. Bah!

So, if either you or your mum has a strop at your PILs and they get offended, who will that be a problem for?

If they get offended - result. They won't be visiting until they realise they're not getting to see the new baby, at which point they'll pretend it never happened.

If dh gets upset - tell him to get his priorities right in future so you have no need to offend his parents.

Time to get shouty!

Ok - caught up now and still not at all unreasonable.

How long do you think it will take you to be unpacked in your new home - you being 9 months pregnant and all? Will your DH help unpacking? This all takes time and is part of the nesting process - having inlaws to stay in the nest isn't.

Can the inlaws not use 2 weeks to go on a cheap holiday abroad (in order to top up their suntans ahead of the wedding)? As one of the others has suggested, why don't you get back in contact with the builders and try and rejig the dates - the only times they actually need to be out of their house is when the plumbing/sewage works has to be done and the house is water tight, right? Then they could work around the builders (and vice versa) once that work has been done.

No one has factored in what would happen if you had the baby early. You would then have a new baby, be moving and still have to entertain your inlaws.

I'd need to go on a holiday after that smile

Oh, and if it's you that talks to them, start with "Unfortunately we are not inviting you to stay because it won't work for us" and counter every response with "*you will not be staying* with us because it is better for us if you don't". The answer to "but where will go" is "I'm too busy to organise that for you".

curiousgeorgie Thu 14-Mar-13 15:14:26

Oh god... If I have the baby early it will absolutely be a nightmare!! I'm trying to squeeze in every second with DD as it is...

The 2nd spare room we'll have will be the baby's room eventually... I just won't have any time to get it ready which is a bit sad sad

PickledInAPearTree Thu 14-Mar-13 15:16:22

Bad isnt it. And she made a snitty comment about my breakfast options.

mistlethrush Thu 14-Mar-13 15:16:56

DS didn't spend any time in 'his' room until he was 6mo CG - so don't let that add to your stress at the moment!

PickledInAPearTree Thu 14-Mar-13 15:17:13

Sorry georgie I'm whinging on your thread.

But NO!

Just say no.

Springdiva Thu 14-Mar-13 15:18:47

Sorry haven't read all 13 pages.
OP, can you move out ie go stay with a friend or your DM?
Can you hire a caravan?
Can you look at them renting a place?
Can the sil and bil take them when their DM goes home?
I would say you get v emotional and upset when near term/ with a new baby/ establishing breastfeeding so can not have people staying end of.

Just the thought of it would wind me up!

Yama Thu 14-Mar-13 15:21:54

If this were to happen to me I would honestly go and stay with my parents.

It wouldn't happen though. It shouldn't ever happen to a woman with a newborn. Indeed, as I said earlier you shouldn't even have the stress of having to convince your dh to put them off.

Springdiva Thu 14-Mar-13 15:22:07

Great I see you are being firm - well done!
In the long run (of family relationships) it is by far the most sensible.

HazleNutt Thu 14-Mar-13 15:23:46

It's all about what everybody else wants.
IL's want to have their house done in a certain order.
They don't want to pay to stay somewhere else.
SIL wants to go shopping with her mum.
MIL wants to play with the baby.
DH doesn't want to say no to his parents.

What about what YOU want? You know, the one who will have a newborn and will be recovering from a major surgery?

I really want to shake your DH and tell him that it is never a good idea to take the seemingly easy route of pleasing your difficult mother over your wife. This is especially true when your poor wife is about to give birth and will need time to recover, to bond with the new baby and to get used to the new dynamics of life in a family with two children. (Your DD also needs this time because becoming a big sister is a Very Big Deal). It doesn't make any difference how you're feeding the baby.

Just because his mother stamps her foot and demands that she gets to spend (all her) time with the baby, doesn't mean he should say yes. It sounds very much like his parents can afford to stay in a hotel or a short let (given that they've enough money to remodel their house so they can host a party). They can stay nearby and come and visit for well defined, not too long periods. And MIL could use the kitchen in her short let to make some food to bring you all (because that's what you're supposed to do when visiting families with brand new babies: not impose and be bloody helpful). FIL can be completely useless and watch sky sports while she does.

(It isn't always MILs though; unfortunately the architect of my own horror story was my own mother).

VikingLady Thu 14-Mar-13 15:27:47

Op, there is a good chance you won't be able to go up and downstairs that often. I managed it once per day after me emcs. You just don't know.

IroningBoredDaily Thu 14-Mar-13 15:29:08


I hope they will all see sense.

Mytimewillcome Thu 14-Mar-13 15:33:45

I haven't read the whole thread but it seems to me that your MIL has purposely engineered all of this so that it coincides with your delivery date just so that she can be there when the baby is there (sorry if this has already been said). It may be a kill 2 birds with 1 stone situation but its not fair on you.

What annoys me is when mothers are made to feel the least important person in these situations when along with the baby they are the most important.

I haven't got a solution for you but just wanted to add my support.


MrsMojoRising Thu 14-Mar-13 15:58:14

Good on you for sending that email. Hope it does the job and your DH mans up.

catsmother Thu 14-Mar-13 16:02:59

I really really hope your email stops this once and for all - and that you hear no more about it. Of course the ultimate goal is that PILs don't come, but I'm fearful that both your DH and them are going to resent you as a result of you - more than justifiably - putting your foot down. The best possible scenario is that DH realises how unfair they've all been to you, apologises profusely with much grovelling and a big bunch of flowers and makes it very very clear to his parents that them not coming is a joint decision. I'll keep my fingers crossed that that happens.

WoTmania Thu 14-Mar-13 16:06:48

Just partly skim read the thread.
I like your e-mail - to the point and clear. I would also be saying a loud 'No' to this. You don't need to justify or explain. You are having major abdominal surgery and have a 2yo to deal with as well that in itself let alone adding a hosue move tot he mix.

AllOverIt Thu 14-Mar-13 16:08:37

Have you had a reply OP?

LadyPessaryPam Thu 14-Mar-13 16:16:46

Could you get a note from your doctor or something? A HCP might 'forbid' them coming and then no-one in the family is to blame or loses face.

doctorhamster Thu 14-Mar-13 16:20:23

Have been keeping an eye on this thread all day. I hope you're ok op and ww3 hasn't broken out following your email.

Have you spoken to your mw about the situation? Maybe she could have a stern word in Dh's ear?

jellybeans Thu 14-Mar-13 16:24:11

YANBU. I would never agree to it. ILs never stay with us, luckily we don't have the room but other relatives do. I am still resentful that they were round almost all the time with DC1 though and didn't want to help me but to take the baby for themselves. Do not agree to it. You don't have to at all.

AlistairSim Thu 14-Mar-13 16:33:36


teejwood Thu 14-Mar-13 16:43:11

I never usually post on AIBU but in this case can't sit back. YADNBU! I hope it is all resolved calmly after your email to DH.

Any update?

yanbu - at all!

wineandroses Thu 14-Mar-13 16:52:43

Actually, exactly why to the PILs need to be out of their house whilst the building work goes on? We had work done that required the entire back of the house to be taken off, and we had no kitchen for a month. We still managed to live in the house. It was summer (rained a lot though), so not very cold, and we set up a temporary kitchen in another room. It was fine, a bit dusty. Surely some parts of their house will be liveable-in?

yanbu and nice they can afford to renovate, they need to factor in hotel fees to.

FairyJen Thu 14-Mar-13 17:04:24

Also don't Offerti help find them accommodation or anything it's not your concern. They chose to be in this position so they need to sort it out. You have enough on your plate!

curiousgeorgie Thu 14-Mar-13 17:05:34

No real update yet... DH sent me an email back saying that we would talk about it later... But that could literally just mean that he's snowed under at work.

He won't be home for 2 hours yet, then DD has to get ready for bed so I'm not sure resolution will be forthcoming!

DontmindifIdo Thu 14-Mar-13 17:10:59

Curious - get prepared now - get on line, research some short term lets that are available, the prices etc. That's your solution, if PIL want to do something different, that's fine, but you are presenting a solution to them.

I send don'tmind prepare now

Yes, go to and see if you can find a small 1 bed flat, or a b&b somewhere.

AThingInYourLife Thu 14-Mar-13 17:19:11

You don't need a resolution, you just need him to accept that this is not happening.

AThingInYourLife Thu 14-Mar-13 17:21:44

And don't offer any "solutions".

Doing that means accepting that this is your problem.

It is not.

It is their problem to sort out for themselves.

Like any competent, wealthy couple without any significant family responsibilities would.

digerd Thu 14-Mar-13 17:22:08


ISeeSmallPeople Thu 14-Mar-13 17:23:49

Dh's best friend came to stay for 4 days when DS1 was 6 weeks old & I STILL haven't forgiven either of them.

I was too stunned FROM JUST HAVING HAD A BLOODY BABY to say no.

I couldn't breast feed infront of him, we had a difficult latch and I just couldn't face it infront of anyone else & gave up feeding altogether. I still couldn't go the the loo comfortably. We had to entertain him, feed him, go out to the pub.

And after all that said we were really boring angry

he's just had his first, and I am sooo tempted to turn up with my kids and demand he entertain us. See, still bitter smile

digerd Thu 14-Mar-13 17:24:12

That 'We'll talk about it' sounds ominous to me. No, he should listen to you !

ISeeSmallPeople Thu 14-Mar-13 17:24:24 the point of that was YANBU, tell them no. smile

RooneyMara Thu 14-Mar-13 17:24:48

I'm sure it's been suggested but can you get YOUR mum to suddenly be visiting? DH doesn't know as you told him ages ago and he didn't register it...iyswim ? <evil>

ISeeSmallPeople Thu 14-Mar-13 17:25:47

Reply to him now.

No need to talk about it later, they are NOT staying.

LittleMissFantabulous Thu 14-Mar-13 17:29:06

Reply as follows:

No dearheart, we will not talk about it later. It is not happening. End transmission.

Loa Thu 14-Mar-13 17:29:46

I'd be tempted to e-mail back - There is nothing to talk about - they are not staying. Possibly included links to holiday lets - in the e-mail as well to demonstrate his parents have other options.

But he could just be busy at work and not wanting to talk/think about the issue at the minute.

digerd Thu 14-Mar-13 17:30:59

Or ' I will not talk about it anymore - they are NOT staying here, and that's the end of it'

Magimedi Thu 14-Mar-13 17:37:20

I would wait until he gets home - he could be busy.

The I would say that there is no 'talk' about it. The answer is no.

AThingInYourLife Thu 14-Mar-13 17:37:51

The only suggestion I'd be making would be that since they are citing "new grandchild" as a (fake) reason for not being able to afford to house themselves during the extensive, expensive renovations, that the best money they could spend on the new arrival would be the gift of being born into a tranquil home.

ie that they should free up the "new grandchild" money to pay for their accommodation, without any help from you.

auntpetunia Thu 14-Mar-13 17:43:06

Oh YADWNBU I would email d?h now ith. N

No we won't be talking about it I've told You it's not happening! the only people you need to talk to are your parents to make sure they understand, or I can get my mum to do it for you if you are too feckin chicken .

But then I am a bolshie cow: )

shesariver Thu 14-Mar-13 17:50:47

I really don't think the nature of the relationship would come into it for me, even if I got on brilliantly with someone I wouldn't want them living with me in the month after a new baby is born, no way.

GregBishopsBottomBitch Thu 14-Mar-13 17:53:42

Yeah i love my mum, but i'd be ready to kill her after the first day.

RapunzelAteMyHamster Thu 14-Mar-13 18:14:11

You can't let him steam roller you into talking. I agree with auntpetunia, you need to tell him there is nothing to talk about and it's not happening or he's going to try and steam roller you.

"Because they need the work to finish before they go away for BIL's wedding and are hosting a party / reception there for people who were unable to fly to the wedding the week they get back. This is what initially promoted all the work."
And for THAT ^ - that piddling piece of snobby look-at-us-playing-the-gracious-generous-parents/PIL pomposity angry - they want YOU to host them at a time that is very special for you? <splutters with anger> And your fuckwitted husband is backing them up? If they want to play the-gracious-generous-parents/PIL, then they can play it to YOU and just fuck off elsewhere while you get some privacy and time with your newborn.

Having had a c section I can say I was a crazy scary woman after it and felt like stabbing anyone who darkened my door, and that was only brief visitors.
The thought of hosting for other people on my house makes me feel very stressed and angry I just couldn't do it under any circumstances .
I've 2 weeks till my due date and love my own space just now so for the sake of your sanity OP tell them to bugger off.

Something like that could trigger off post natal depression.

LadyPessaryPam Thu 14-Mar-13 18:30:00

The OP could just refuse to leave the hospital till they have gone maybe wink

clam Thu 14-Mar-13 18:32:40

Why can't they defer the whole building project until after BIL/SIL's wedding?

Skygirls Thu 14-Mar-13 18:36:04

I second the motion of sending a reply to DH saying

'There will be nothing to discuss later as your parents are NOT staying here. I have tried to explain the reasons to you, but you have disregarded my welfare/feelings in favour of pleasing your parents.
If you don't care about my well being and the well being of your unborn child, by putting me through all this stress, then I am taking care of myself.

This is non-negotiable. The answer is NO!
If you don't tell your parents that they will have to make other arrangements, then I will take matters into my own hands.'

curious I do realise that it is easier for all of us to say this but much harder for you to do, but if you don't stand up to DH and PIL now, they will always take advantage. Read some of the other 'evil mil' threads on here to see what you could be in for.

Lots of luck..... Be strong! We're all rooting for you and for a favourable outcome thanks

DontmindifIdo Thu 14-Mar-13 18:40:42

Whereyouleftit - this is a good point, if your SIL and BIL want the work done so your PIL can host an event for them, then they should put up PILs, if not then PIL should put the work back. Or pay for venue hire if that would be cheaper than renting a place for a month while they have the work done.

thezebrawearspurple Thu 14-Mar-13 18:42:24

Skygirls said what I was going to say.

MerylStrop Thu 14-Mar-13 18:47:01

Holy f

If they can afford all this work they can afford a temporary let or a hotel

You cannot be expected to deal with this.

Your BIL and SIL need to GET A GRIP

Corygal Thu 14-Mar-13 18:56:48

I suspect PIL as dodgy/useless merely from the fact that they are assuming they're coming for A MONTH virtually before the baby's born.

I mean, come on.

So how do you get rid? Can you partly bin them - offer them a week, say. Or could you tell them you simply won't be well enough to take guests?

Maybe just ask BIL for his ideas - because dumping on you wasn't his greatest yet.

MadamFolly Thu 14-Mar-13 19:14:44

Hope you have had a good talk OP

AllOverIt Thu 14-Mar-13 19:17:40

Watching with interest. I've been angry on your behalf all day OP. Hope you find some resolution tonight.

Inertia Thu 14-Mar-13 19:25:54

You could try calling BIL back yourself. Explain that there is no chance that you will be able to accommodate the PIL at that time so BIL needs to find another plan, as it's his plans that have changed.

Between them they can rethink PIL's renovation dates, whether SIL's mum stays at the same time, whether PIL moves out, or whether the wedding is hosted somewhere other than PIL's house- but the one thing that cannot be moved is the birth of your child. Everything else can be worked around, but the baby cannot hang on for wedding favours to be chosen, or the patio to be finished.

Inertia Thu 14-Mar-13 19:26:50

Where does SIL's mum live? Can PIL house sit at SIL's mum's house?