Who is BU? Me or DH?

(424 Posts)
IsItMeBU Tue 12-Mar-13 22:51:10

Me and DH have a 5m old DD

I use to do a bit of work for in laws family business, I did already have a FT job. I did a couple of different things to help out but mainly a certain thing. Well I HATED it but I did it for a year because they needed me to but everyone knew I didn't like doing it and didn't want to when it was time to start up again. In laws were fine with this and they knew I didn't want to do it this year almost a year ago.

Now it's come to the time to start doing it again and I've said no, I've said all along I didn't want to and gave them plenty of notice to find someone else and it was never a problem before. DH has told his parents I will do it and I've told them no so we ended up having a big argument over this and he completely flipped out on me. He then decided that FIL could talk me into it because he knows he can be very persuasive and I would struggle to say no, anyway I never gave a yes or no and just tried to change the subject. I told DH that this was unfair everyone knew how I felt but I'm being bullied to do something I never wanted to do and he basically said i have to do it because mil wants to babysit DD 2 days a week. Well I don't want to leave her 2 days a week.

We agreed when I got pregnant that it would be best for us for me to be a SAHM and I'm lucky we can afford for me to do that and I don't need to work. He has now said think of the extra money that can be yours to do whatever you want with. We put all our money in one pot and take what we need out of that so I wouldn't do that anyway.

Tonight we've had a massive row and he said I'm showing him and his family no respect by refusing to do this, why should he stay with me if he can't trust me to help out in the family business and basically implied if I don't do it then he don't know if he will stay with me.
This has made me more determined not to do it because I feel I'm being forced and bullied into doing it. I don't know if IBU in this and I'm making more of it because I don't want to do it and its a job I hate. Should I suck it up and do it or should I stand my ground?

Sorry for the long post and rant blush

RosieLig Tue 12-Mar-13 22:53:37

YNBU at all! Is your husband normally a bully?

TheCraicDealer Tue 12-Mar-13 22:54:53

Tell him your not sure you want to be with someone who's emotionally blackmailing you into leaving your five month old for a job you don't want to do.

YANBU. Is he normally such a bullying twat?

IsItMeBU Tue 12-Mar-13 22:55:53

He use to be great but since DD he's become very dominant. He likes to make all the decisions and that's final hmm

Regardless of whether YWBU to refuse in the first place, I don't think you were, your H is being a bullying, shitty, nasty wanker to threaten to leave you over this. I think you should stand your ground AND tell him he is threatening your marriage and he had better think again.

CookieLady Tue 12-Mar-13 22:57:39

YANBU. You gave them ample time to find a suitable replacement but they chose not to. It's not your problem. Stick to your guns.

maddening Tue 12-Mar-13 22:57:58

Tell him he promised his mother a certain task woulf be done and if he can't do it himself he is welcome to pay for the services of someone who can.

DeepRedBetty Tue 12-Mar-13 22:58:16

Yanbu. Take the family part out of the equation - you gave notice almost a year ago. I can't think of any normal job where anything like that notice period is required.

DH has bogged up and is taking out on you. You have every right to be livid.

Alliwantisaroomsomewhere Tue 12-Mar-13 22:58:17

YANBU and no, you should not suck it up and do it just because your DH is being a fuckwith. He has promised your FIL that you would do XYZ and so is probably worried he will have egg on his face if you say no. His problem, not yours.

A lot of abuse starts during/after pregnancy and having a child. Not saying this is the case but only you know if this rises to that level.

Flojobunny Tue 12-Mar-13 23:00:09

Got a bit confused when you said you have a FT job but also a SAHM because you don't need the money. But otherwise your DH is BU for trying to push you in to something you don't want to do.
Trying to find a balance but struggling.

IsItMeBU Tue 12-Mar-13 23:01:43

I just don't know how we're going to resolve this. He won't give in and the only way it will end is if I give in

LadyPessaryPam Tue 12-Mar-13 23:01:53

Tell him to do one.

IsItMeBU Tue 12-Mar-13 23:02:31

Sorry I ment I did work FT and also worked doing few bits for them as a second job but now we have DD I'm a SAHM

CookieLady Tue 12-Mar-13 23:03:09

If you give in his newly acquired penchant for having the final say will only get worse. He'll walk all over you.

Alliwantisaroomsomewhere Tue 12-Mar-13 23:05:15

How about calling Mil and Fil and saying you will not be able to do it. Would that help? (as in help you get out of this predicament and get DH to shut the fuck up about it!)

DeepRedBetty Tue 12-Mar-13 23:05:18

You're going to have to put your foot down or end up as a doormat. And if he won't back down, do you want to bring up dd in a home like that?

SanityClause Tue 12-Mar-13 23:07:59

No, it's him BU, not you.

You gave plenty of notice. If they chose to disbelieve you, that's not your fault.

Incidentally, you are now far more vulnerable as a SAHP with a young child than you were as someone working full time. He is taking advantage of that vulnerability.

He is also showing more loyalty to his parents than he is to his wife, and he needs to realise that sometimes he has to make a choice about who comes first. Loyalty in a marriage is not just about sexual fidelity!

IsItMeBU Tue 12-Mar-13 23:09:41

alliwant no they know I don't want to do this but DH has already roped FIL in on this because he know I would struggle to say no to FIL so he thought I would just agree and they would all win.

He's making out this is all my fault and if I just do it then everyone will be happy and we won't be arguing and it's me that's being awkward and causing these problems

MagicHouse Tue 12-Mar-13 23:10:56

He won't give in and the only way it will end is if I give in
That's NOT the only way it will end. He can't make you do this job. Tell him if it's about money you will look for a job you love. Tell him you will not make yourself unhappy to help his parents out. Do the broken record technique. Just calmly repeat it over and over.

IneedAsockamnesty Tue 12-Mar-13 23:11:50

In my experance if someone in a normal relationship says

"I will leave you if you don't do xyz or do xyz" the best response it you know where the door is.

(Excluding reasonable requests like to stop being abusive ect)

Because if you give in once they will always use that line and the requests get worse.

SanityClause Tue 12-Mar-13 23:11:58

Giving in will be the start of a slippery slope.

I agree with AllIWant. Go direct to PIL and remind them that you did say you didn't want to do the job again, and that you haven't changed your mind. Tell DH after the event. He can't complain about you going behind his back - you are only doing what he did to you, after all.

IsItMeBU Tue 12-Mar-13 23:12:50

He said to me that clearly I don't care about him or his family because I'm being selfish by not doing this small thing for them

MagicHouse Tue 12-Mar-13 23:12:50

Why would you struggle to say no to FIL? Just tell him the job doesn't make you happy and you're sure he wouldn't want that for you. Say, "no"(!) that you're sorry, but they will need to look for someone else.

DeepRedBetty Tue 12-Mar-13 23:14:34

Are you a bit scared of FIL?

MagicHouse Tue 12-Mar-13 23:14:42

What a load of rubbish! Tell him he clearly does not care for you if he refuses to listen to you telling him you hate the job and it makes you unhappy. Tell him if it's a "small" thing, then they can easily find someone else.

IsItMeBU Tue 12-Mar-13 23:14:52

magic I would struggle because FIL is very persuasive and is hard to say no to without feeling guilty

SanityClause Tue 12-Mar-13 23:15:16

So say, he clearly doesn't care about you,mas he is asking you to do this big thing that you really hate doing. How could he force that on someone he is supposed to love?

MagicHouse Tue 12-Mar-13 23:15:26

Ok - then feel guilty! But still say no!

I'd talk to your inlaws. Remind them you said you didn't want to do it last year.
And tell your DH he needs to have a bit of respect. He can't agree for you to do something in return for babysitting by MIL. Babysitting is for nice evenings out not working.
Stand up to him, or will get worse.

IsItMeBU Tue 12-Mar-13 23:16:11

deep no I don't think I am. I just no I would have to explain again and again why I'm saying no and would be talked into it

DeepRedBetty Tue 12-Mar-13 23:16:39

It's not a small thing though, it's something you hate, and more importantly it's a principle.

MagicHouse Tue 12-Mar-13 23:17:19

You need to simply stick to your story. Say, sorry, but you won't change your mind on this. Tell them you will write/ post adverts for them if they need your help, but that as you pointed out a year ago, you were never going to take this job up again. Tell him you made that very clear and you are shocked that you are being asked again.

SanityClause Tue 12-Mar-13 23:18:04

The best way with FIL would be the broken record.

"I'm sorry FIL, I really don't want to do it. I did tell you that last year."

If he tries to make you feel guilty, say "Please don't put this guilt trip on me, that's really unfair to me."

IsItMeBU Tue 12-Mar-13 23:18:30

I've said well clearly you don't care about me and my feelings and he twists it so its me being self centred and I only care about me being happy so everyone should just tip toe around me to not upset me because no else is important but me.

I can't win an argument

DeepRedBetty Tue 12-Mar-13 23:18:58


With FIL you need to repeat the MN mantras - 'No is a complete sentence' and 'Never apologise, never explain'.

Have you put any of this in writing to them?

No way in hell would I accept that kind of aggressive bullying from anyone, let alone my DH. "Do this thing you hate or I'll leave you"? Really? Fuck off then.

I'm open to discussion, I'm open to compromise, I'm open to bribery grin. But blackmail and bullying? Even if it were something I wouldn't actually mind doing, the answer would be "no" on principle.

How dare he say you don't care about him or his family? He obviously doesn't care about you if he's willing to bully you.

Is he from another culture? If he is, and it's one where family businesses are the norm, with everyone expected to muck in without question, I might be able to see where he's coming from and why he can't understand you not wanting to do the job. But it still doesn't excuse the way he's going about trying to convince you.

DeepRedBetty Tue 12-Mar-13 23:21:14

I've been wondering if this is a cultural thing too?

IsItMeBU Tue 12-Mar-13 23:21:53

No annie he's not from a different culture

SanityClause Tue 12-Mar-13 23:22:32

So say to DH "Is this a deal breaker for you? Because I really don't want us to separate, but I will not do this job." if you give in, as SockPixie says, his demands will get more and more extreme.

Oh, and get a job as soon as you can, because there is no way I would want to be financially dependent on this man!

Stick to your guns. We are here to support.

There'll be no talking to DH while he is forcing you to be so resolute. What a shame he is risking his family life over being such a twat.
Its interesting that he's just started to be like this since DC ... is he struggling with the fact that naturally the children now come first? That's not a criticism, just wondering why he has suddenly decided to come over all forceful now?!

Absolutely no excuse then. Twat. You have children, yes? I'm assuming you both parented them through the toddler years in the usual way, teaching them that demanding things and throwing tantrums didn't get them what they wanted. So why on earth is he trying toddler tactics with you now?

ChaoticisasChaoticdoes Tue 12-Mar-13 23:24:31


Your H sounds like a nasty, abusive bully. He's already stooping to emotional blackmail and if you give in on this then it'll only get worse as time goes on. As has been said above many abusers start their abuse when the other person is vulnerable. You really need to put your foot down now before it gets worse.

Oh, and get a job as soon as you can, because there is no way I would want to be financially dependent on this man!


IsItMeBU Tue 12-Mar-13 23:26:46

sanity I do think I need to get a job again and kind of separate our finances. I know if I get a job he will want MIL to do all the child care and I don't want that. She can't accept that I do things different from how she did them 30 years ago and of course my way is wrong

DeepRedBetty Tue 12-Mar-13 23:27:21

If he carries on like this we'll be in LTB territory.

OxfordBags Tue 12-Mar-13 23:27:22

His FAMILY is you and his DD. What about his loyalty to the both of you?! By wanting to do what you feel is best for your daughter, you are being loyal, caring and unselfish towards your family.

FIL sounds a manipulative bully, as opposed to 'persuasive'. And your husband sounds downright abusive. Pregnancy or the birth of a child often triggers latent bullying tendencies, and it sounds like it's done this to him. He has to win all the arguments, does he? And what about your needs, wants, rights? Are you a real person or just a childrearing servant for the family business?

The fact that you used to work FT and still did stuff for them PT speaks volumes of a pattern of you being walked over by them, and getting pushed into doing far more than you should have to in the name of loyalty or whatever. It's also really sinister and bullying to try to get his father to try to persuade (bully) you into agreeing. Are you ever allowed to say no to anything? How far is he going to take his refusal to accept your rights?

I feel quite shocked and upset by what you're going through. It's just not normal and sounds really oppressive. It's as I said, it sounds like he doesn't see you as a real person anymore.

IsItMeBU Tue 12-Mar-13 23:29:17

travel I don't know why he has become like this since DD. We hardly ever use to argue and we had a really good relationship but lately he's become very dominant and his decision is final

SanityClause Tue 12-Mar-13 23:29:26

This man is an abuser in the making. He is trying it on. He really is. If you don't put up with it, he may realise the error of his ways, and realise that this is the wrong way to behave in a relationship.

If he can't compromise, well the harsh truth is you might split up over it.

Do you want to live in an abusive relationship? Do you want DD to grow up thinking that men are the boss, and women should be subservient to them?

But you know these things, already.

Have you asked him why he suddenly thinks that he gets the final say in everything? Perhaps he hasn't noticed that he's doing it.

I agree with everyone else that you need to have a very serious talk with him about boundaries and respect if this relationship is to have a future.

OxfordBags Tue 12-Mar-13 23:31:26

XPost - it sounds like he is under tremendous pressure from his family for you to fulfill all their needs, like some sort of slave: work for them, let MIL play mummy again with your baby... What next?!

So she'll insist on looking after DD for 2 days, will she? You know it'll then be 3 days. Then 5 days. Then what - weekends? He sounds worryingly and weirdly over-enmeshed with them, like all he cares a out is meeting their needs at the cost of anyone else.

IsItMeBU Tue 12-Mar-13 23:34:44

sanity I don't want to be in a relationship like this and I don't want my DD growing up thinking daddy is the boss.

annie if I say that then he says I'm twisting it onto him and of course idea always the bad guy and its me that can do no wrong, I blame all our problems on him and nothing is my fault.

I know im far from perfect

Hmmmm, very hard to reason with someone who isn't prepared to listen. Good luck!

ENormaSnob Tue 12-Mar-13 23:37:24

I'd be getting an appointment with a divorce solicitor tbh.

He's a cunt.

MagicHouse Tue 12-Mar-13 23:37:36

I can't win an argument

It's difficult with someone who is being a bully. Just stay calm. Repeat your view. He's being childish. If he won't listen, walk away. Bullies hope to upset you/ grind you down to get their own way. What he says is rubbish. Of course you're not making everyone tiptoe round you - they're hardly bloody doing that are they!! Ask him who it is he thinks is tiptoeing round you!!

Don't agree to doing this. If he won't shut up, tell him you think you should have counselling together, because he is insisting on putting his parents above you.

Your dh is spouting typical, bullying rubbish to grind you down and make you doubt yourself. But you can see from this thread, not one person actually agrees with him.

Please stand up to him. (And I agree I would start putting out feelers about your options for not staying with/ or becoming financially dependent on him).

It sounds like you feel you will be in for a rough ride if you say no (walking on eggshells around him) and that it would be easier to cave in. ime, in the long run, if you give in, life will get harder for you, not easier - he will see he can get away with blatantly disrespecting you once, and he will keep doing it. This is not a way to live and relationships do not need to be like this. Book yourself some assertiveness courses if you want, but SAY NO to this job!

IsItMeBU Tue 12-Mar-13 23:38:32

oxford he never use to be so bothered about pleasing them and when DD was about 2 weeks old there was huge arguments from ILs because we hadn't been over to see them in 2 days and I was still sore from my section and he was brilliant and I thought how lucky I was to have a DH who put me and DD first but now it's changed. He tries to tell
How often I should go over to there house and for how long so they can have enough time with DD and completely puts their needs first

EvaM Tue 12-Mar-13 23:41:13

Oh dear OP, you sound like you have a hard time saying no and can easily be guilted into things.

I don't mean this in a judgemental way - I have similar problems. I really think you need to step back and think about the situation from an putsiders pov. If your fiend was in this situation what would you want her or him to do?

I'm assuming you love your husband and want to fix the situation rather than walk away. My suggestion is to write your husband and your pil a letter outlining your reasons again and also try to explain how YOU are feeling in this situation.

A great tip I got once was using "I" instead of "YOU" statements. So rather than "You don't care how I feel" "I'm upset, if you disregard my feelings". Try to be the calm party - shouting or crying can put you in the wrong. When I get upset or angry in an argument I close my eyes and count to ten to centre myself.

Also put yourself in your husband's shoes. Even though he's in the wrong here it helps to look at it from his perspective. Acknowledge his situation. "I know that it will be difficult for you to find someone at such short notice. I could put out an advert for you"

I really hope you get this sorted out. If this becomes a regular pattern I suggest you walk though.

IsItMeBU Tue 12-Mar-13 23:46:38

Thank you eva

I don't want to walk away I want us to save what we have but I just don't know how hmm

lottiegarbanzo Tue 12-Mar-13 23:52:14

Your in laws had already accepted you won't be doing this but your DH has decided you should and wants to involve your FIL in persuading you? So it's all about your DH wanting to control how you use your time or what he is seen to contribute to their business, not about what the PIL expect or hope of you.

You don't have to explain or argue with anyone. Do not expose your feelings to manipulation. 'I explained this last year, my position has not changed'. 'Explained what? Why?' 'My position has not changed. I have been consistently clear that I do not want to do this. You have had plenty of time to find someone else.' End.

EvaM Tue 12-Mar-13 23:56:31

IsItMe, in that case it's really important you start asserting yourself NOW.

You will be unhappy in the long run and send the wrong message to your dd.

Make clear where you stand, maybe remind him at a few occasions where you have put the family's needs before your own and remind him that a year is pleanty of notice.

I really swear by writing these things down in a rational way (it's ok to go through several drafts).

Please be strong.

Tobyturtle Wed 13-Mar-13 00:07:53

I'm with Eva, you should write down your feelings (maybe citing times he has made you feel upset or even intimidated) as when you talk to someone and they start arguing with you it is really difficult to remember times and to articulate your feelings properly.

You definately need to stick to your guns, it sounds to me like your MIL may have 'dictated' to her son that she wod like to child mind 2 days a week n so he is bullying you into it rather than standing my his wife as he should.

Lueji Wed 13-Mar-13 00:46:42

YANBU at all.

You can reply why should you stay with him if he doesn't respect your wishes.

He won't give in and the only way it will end is if I give in
Not the only way, of course.
I'd be wanting to leave if I was bullied like this.

Of course you don't want to leave, but having that option is often the only way to keep sanity and in control of ourselves.
Otherwise, at some point you will be a slave to his whims because he knows you want to make the marriage work at any cost. sad
You realise it's only you who want it to work?
He seems prepared to give it up.
Call his bluff.

IsItMeBU Wed 13-Mar-13 02:09:31

I will try writing it all down Eva, thank you. You are right that when were talking about this I can't remember on the spot so a letter will be a good way to do this

Gingerodgers Wed 13-Mar-13 02:25:04

I think you should re think being a sahm t b h . I am one, and although my h is v supportive, when things get tough, it does feel like he is the one holding all the cards. I think if I still had a career, I would feel a bit more in control iyswim? If he is being like this after only 5 months, it might just get worse. I would definately think about going back to work, but not for in laws!

MidnightMasquerader Wed 13-Mar-13 02:29:16

It sounds like he has lost all respect for you since becoming a SAHM, and almost as if he thinks he's now the boss of you, since all the financial input into the family comes from him.

Of course, he's ignoring the huge contribution you make to the family and the household, since it's not a monetary one.

Why does he think he is entitled to tell you what to do, how to run your life, etc?

My advice to you would be to think about getting a job of your own at some point in the not-too-distant future. 1), so that you're contributing financially 2), so that it's a job of your choosing that you enjoy 3), so that you get out of working for your in-laws, and most importantly 4), so that if you ever need to LTB you're in a far better position to be able to do so...

MidnightMasquerader Wed 13-Mar-13 02:30:16

X-posted with Ginger. smile

IsItMeBU Wed 13-Mar-13 06:26:47

Thank you all for your replies.

I do need to look into getting a job, it's going to cause me no end if arguments though by refusing to do this one to go and get another one. He really will think I'm being difficult then.

BeckAndCall Wed 13-Mar-13 06:33:10

Can I just ask, why can't MIL do the job you don't want to do? If she would be looking after your DD then she's certainly available? (Unless its very particular and falls in your skill set, which it doesn't sound like or you'd probably like doing it!)

IsItMeBU Wed 13-Mar-13 06:34:26

There's no reason she can't apart from the fact it's a pita job and then she wouldn't get to watch DD

AllOverIt Wed 13-Mar-13 06:37:03

What a horrible situation.

Absolutely stand your ground. YANBU.

Are your parents supportive? Do you have RL support from friends?

IsItMeBU Wed 13-Mar-13 06:57:21

I do have some support all I just need to confide in people but I don't like people knowing my problems. I think I will talk to my sister today though

Whoknowswhocares Wed 13-Mar-13 07:24:25

This set up sounds very weird. They are treating you as some sort of lackey to do the jobs that no one else wants. Trying to impose the MIL having a set amount of time with your DD? Your feelings don't seem to matter and they are happy to trample you into submission. Errr, huge red flags!!!!! You are being treated as a piece of machinery necessary for them....to do the crap jobs and incubate his offspring
This is NOT normal. I'd run for the hills but if you want to stay you are going to have to toughen up. A LOT. No more being worn down and browbeaten into doing things which don't suit YOU. Your relationship will not survive unless you either a) roll over for ever and are prepared to accept this crap for life(yeah, right!) or b) sort out the issues and become seen as an equal
Get yourself some independence financially. If it all goes tits up, you will need it. For this reason, it is ESSENTIAL that the job is not dependant on the ILs. Let him argue, threaten and whine. Let the FIL try to persuade you. Ignore it all. If your pathetic husband decides to leave, then he isn't worth having!
Talk to your family and friends. Keep a life away from him and his parents. Isolating yourself is the worst thing you can do. Do not become any more dependant on this man
Oh, and start an escape fund. If you are lucky , you won't need it, but you might.

elfycat Wed 13-Mar-13 07:41:53

I agree with all the advice about not giving in to bullying.

Have you considered that he might have post natal depression symptoms? Men do get them and it might be why he's behaving out of character. He's trying to maintain a sense of normality, and getting it wrong. Or is he suffering from stress?

Could you get him to go and see his GP for some advice on his need to control and dominate you? Maybe not phrased quite like that to him.

lottiegarbanzo Wed 13-Mar-13 08:49:19

Oh, that's very odd. I took it for granted that the work required your specialist skill e.g. doing their accounts.

Your job as SAHM is to take care of your child during the day, which is an important job and presumably you chose it because you believed that and want to do it yourself, rather than have someone do it for you.

This puts you in a really awkward position, as you may never be able to ask MIL to look after dd without an expectation of reciprocal work. Perhaps that means MIL only sees dd when you are there and does not have her to herself.

Otherwise, yes, you need financial independence and our DH needs to explain why he's treating you as some sort of brood mare and general factotum to service his family's needs and wishes.

DeepRedBetty Wed 13-Mar-13 09:36:48

Why on earth doesn't MIL do this boring horrid job herself then?

Or just bite the bullet and pay someone else to do it?

IsItMeBU Wed 13-Mar-13 10:00:46

whoknows I don't want to be any more dependent on him and I have thought that maybe I need to start trying to emotional detach abit from our relationship but then on the other hand I think if I do that I'm not trying to save and change things and we use to have a great relationship. I feel like if we split up I've taken away DDs chance of growing up in a family.

elfy I haven't even considered him suffering from post natal depression. I didn't think men could suffer from that

IsItMeBU Wed 13-Mar-13 10:02:14

Because MIL doesn't want too. I think that of I didn't have DD they would have accepted my decision to not do this again but now we do its perfect time for her to have her

lottiegarbanzo Wed 13-Mar-13 10:32:29

But you haven't said you want MIL to 'have' your dd, have you? Many PILs offer to take a child for a few hours to free up the Mum to do something she needs or wants to do. Yours are not offering you anything. They are saying 'we do not respect your decision to be a SAHM. It would be more useful to us if you did drudge-job x, so we will try to take that choice away from you. We regard MIL's role as GM as equally or more important than yours as mother.'

It tricky, because you can't easily say that dd spending time with MIL is not as good as her spending it with you. But, you can say that you have chosen to be a SAHM, sacrificed paid work in order to do so (with the full agreement and support of your DH presumably) and will now be devoting your attention to that task, just as everyone had agreed and understood you would.

You've told them before that you don't want to do their job. Just repeat that you decided and explained last year, you've no wish to explain again and you're surprised they haven't found someone else yet, given so much notice. You've made a very postive decision to devote your working hours to dd and are proceeding with that role. You'll be delighted for MIL to spend time with you and dd but no, or little, need for a daytime 'babysitting' service.

lottiegarbanzo Wed 13-Mar-13 10:46:48

Also, I really don't understand why this wasn't all made clear and sorted out at the point that you and your DH made the decision that you would leave work and become a SAHM.

Sounds like he thought it would be ok at the time but is now getting cold feet, financially. Does he have any worries about losing his job for example, that might have prompted a less secure outlook?

Otherwise, you say you did this job for one year only. That was clearly filling to help out, it's not as if it was 'your job' for years and you've resigned.

IsItMeBU Wed 13-Mar-13 10:55:06

lotto no I haven't asked MIL to have her at all. They both no I don't like leaving DD and have been pushing it for a while now.

It all was made clear a year ago, everyone agreed and was completely okay with it and I thought that was all done and dusted until a few weeks ago. DH has said it was always his intention for me to do it.

It's nothing to do with money. We both have enough savings and he earns a good wage and his job is very secure, so I know he's no worried about that.

Lemonylemon Wed 13-Mar-13 11:08:35

"DH has said it was always his intention for me to do it."

But who the hell does he think he is? He's making unilateral decisions about your life.

DH has said it was always his intention for me to do it

Exactly what lemon just said.
HIS intention!!! Blimey, you need to really look at this guy and what his is doing! If someone said that to me I'd be giving them 'what for'!!!

AllOverIt Wed 13-Mar-13 11:25:33

If DH started talking about 'his intentions' with regard to what I did I'd give him a ticket up his arse!

KellyElly Wed 13-Mar-13 11:25:43

Tonight we've had a massive row and he said I'm showing him and his family no respect by refusing to do this, why should he stay with me if he can't trust me to help out in the family business and basically implied if I don't do it then he don't know if he will stay with me. I would pack a bag for him and say that I didn't want to stay with someone who clearly has so little regard for my feelings and opinion and there's the door. I would finish with, I don't intend for my child to grow up thinking that controlling and bullying behaviour is normal. I suggest you go away and think about this and we can discuss this when you are prepared to treat me a an equal and not a subordinate.

AllOverIt Wed 13-Mar-13 11:25:53

... Or a rocket.

F*cking autocorrect!

If it is such a "small job" then why doesn't he do it? Makes no sense to me.

TheWrathofNaan Wed 13-Mar-13 11:46:14

I have been in your shoes. I desperately tried to keep my family together for my dd.

What I should have done was get back into work so that my bully ex couldnt continue dictating to us. Secure your child and your future.

BTW my ex had a good job and I had savings. He gave up work and you will be surprised how quickly savings get spent!

Snazzynewyear Wed 13-Mar-13 11:56:30

In terms of 'showing respect' for him and his family, he isn't showing much respect for you, is he? So doesn't he think you deserve any?

Did you give up your FT job when you had your DD? Any chance they would consider you returning, if so? (after maternity leave period, I mean)

Zalen Wed 13-Mar-13 12:11:59

My first thought on reading this was that you could maybe try to get mil and fil on-side. If they'd previously accepted that you won't be doing this job for them anymore don't they think it's odd that your dh is now saying that you will be doing it!

Having read further it seems like that may not be a viable option, only you know the full situation but is it likely that you'd get any where with a conversation with mil along the lines of, 'You know how we decided over a year ago that I wouldn't be doing x job anymore, dh seems to have got it into his head that I must do it. Could you explain to him that you've already made alternative arrangements as he's not listening to me at the moment!'

Failing that I agree with the other posters, stand your ground and if he starts in again with the bs about you showing no respect to his family and threatens to end the relationship then a very dignified, 'that's your choice, there's the door' and refuse to engage any further.

MummytoKatie Wed 13-Mar-13 14:44:21

Are you still technically on maternity leave from your old "proper" job? If so, I think you need to go and see your old boss and discuss options for going back in six months or so. You can always change your mind in the future but you don't want to be burning bridges when there are questions about your marriage.

I'm a big fan of hoping for the best but preparing for the worst. So perhaps do some plans for how you would survive if the marriage did fail. Once you are sure you are secure then you can throw yourself into trying to save the marriage.

MummytoKatie Wed 13-Mar-13 14:45:57

Sorry - by trying to save the marriage I don't mean doing what he wants but by trying to get the two of you in a place where you are both happy.

elfycat Wed 13-Mar-13 14:49:52

Re post natal depression in men. It's not called that exactly (women only) but it is quite common for men to suffer with it [http://www.nhs.uk/news/2010/09September/Pages/new-fathers-postnatal-depression.aspx NHS]

and [http://www.dad.info/health/your-health/post-natal-depression-dads Article]

elfycat Wed 13-Mar-13 14:50:25

Drat on the links - need [[ and ]]

IsItMeBU Wed 13-Mar-13 15:45:46

Thank you for the links

We've had another huge row and apparently I'm the control freak. He's told me im not having another penny of HIS money if I don't do this and when I said that's controlling he said no its called persuasion. He's dragged in laws into this and they think I ABU and I should do it. I then heard FIL and MIL bitching about me and how FIL has told him I'm bang out of order and if I don't do it then he needs to get rid of me. Wtf is that all about angry

It's been a horrible day I've been so upset and DD has been very grumpy too

That's awful sad

What exactly is this hot potato of a job that has everyone so riled up?

AllOverIt Wed 13-Mar-13 15:51:37

I'm not normally of the LTB persuasion, but in this instance I think you need some space.

He's showing you zero respect.

Outrageous angry

CelticPromise Wed 13-Mar-13 15:55:34

This is appalling, abusive behaviour from him.

Kick him out.

Zalen Wed 13-Mar-13 15:56:34

That sounds horrible IsItMeBU, so sorry they're being so amazingly unreasonable.

At this point, if I hadn't been taught that two wrongs don't make a right, I'd be implementing a complete down-tools on anything for dh, no cooking, no washing or ironing, no anything for his benefit and when he complains just explain that it's not controlling it's persuasive and as soon as he drops the bs about the mystery job or moves out then normal service will resume.

Sheena99 Wed 13-Mar-13 16:00:06

That sounds horrible OP, don't know if a reasonable discussion could ever work with someone who would threaten their partner to get them to do something, and you have tried. Second the idea of getting some space. And some RL moral support.

DeepRedBetty Wed 13-Mar-13 16:01:42

Could you go and stay with your own family or friends for a day or two? Sounds like boiling point has been reached, you need some space and time to think about what you want and how to get it.

Blu Wed 13-Mar-13 16:03:09

Do you have parents or othe close family near by, OP?

I would go away to them for a few days.

It is just not right that your DH refuses to respect your feelings on this. He and the ILs are behaving incredibly badly.

You agreed together that you would be a SAHM, your baby is only 5m, so even if you were you going back to work you would still be on maternity leave, you said a year ago you would not do this job again, your MIL is able to do the job....

Stick to the arrangement that your DH made with you, about you being a sahm, and go away for a day or three to stew. Let him see that things can and do happen after he has puffed out his chest and said 'tha's final'.

Then , if you do start talking again, maybe seek counselling.

IsItMeBU Wed 13-Mar-13 16:03:54

I think I might go and stay with my mum. I just feel so confused and my head is messed up.

I spoke with mil and she has made me completely doubt that I'm right and not just being difficult hmm

Blu Wed 13-Mar-13 16:08:33

If your MIL is allowed to brow beat you, get your Mum and dad to have a go at your DH!

Not really, but they are behaving outrageously.

Does your DH work in this family business?

Madeleine10 Wed 13-Mar-13 16:08:38

You poor thing! This is really awful behaviour from both him and his dreadful family. From the sounds of them I can see where he has got it from!

I think if anyone actually leaves the house it should be him, though- he could stay with his riidiculous bossy parents - he certainly seems to think he owes them more than he owes you and his daughter.

Why on earth can't the parents hire someone else to do this job, if it's only fairly small, anyway? Are they too tight with cash, or are they trying to exert the same control over you as your husband?

And NOONE tells you, ever, when you will be looking after your ^own baby^; if you don't want her to go to MIL, don't let her. You are her mum and your wishes are paramount.

IsItMeBU Wed 13-Mar-13 16:13:13

Yeh DH does work in the business

No it's not that they are to tight to pay someone else it's just they want me to do it and "pull my weight"

Madeleine10 Wed 13-Mar-13 16:18:25

"Pull your weight"??!! You ARE pulling your weight, you are bringing up your 5 month old child! Their GC!

What vile people, the whole family sound totally controlling , and so unkind to be putting you through this, I'm really sorry. They want to win , I think, even more than they want you to do this job.

What was your relationship with them like before this blew up?

IsItMeBU Wed 13-Mar-13 16:21:17

My relationship with them was really good, I got along well with them but looking back I never said no, if they asked me to do something then I did.

When DD came along everything changed and I know mil struggled with the face that I do things my way and not how she raised her kids 30 years ago, tat causes enough issues in itself

Ullena Wed 13-Mar-13 16:24:57


AllOverIt Wed 13-Mar-13 16:25:09

I think it's a good idea to tho and stay with your mum to let things cool off.

On your return, his parents need to butt the f*ck out of your relationship. This has taken it beyond the initial debate about them ganging up on you. This has shown there are more fundamental problems in your marriage.

DeepRedBetty Wed 13-Mar-13 16:30:48

I said up thread it was getting near LTB territory.

sad I fear I was right.

IsItMeBU Wed 13-Mar-13 16:34:18

My head is so fucked up hmm

Blu Wed 13-Mar-13 16:47:33

This weight pulling you are supposed to do: when you did the job last year, did they pay you? Are they proposing to pay you this time? Do they pay DH for his role in the family business?

Why don't they just employ someone else?

It is completely unreasonable of them to have cooked up a plan where your MIL gets your baby 2 days a week while you do a job you said last year you don't want to do and would not do again.

I assume it is some form of end of year accounts thing?

tell your DH there are several completely seperate issues in all this:

Your plans to work or not
Your well publicised intent not to take this particular work on again
Whether your MIL will or will not be providing regular childcare if and when you decide to go back into the workplace.

And that he has no right to make any of these decisions without your consent. You are not a serf in the feudal system of his family's business.

Write all this down, and go and stay with your parents for 3 or 4 days while he mulls it over and calms down.

popcornpaws Wed 13-Mar-13 16:47:54

He doesn't get to tell you what to do because you are married. Sounds like he is afraid of his Dad, and that is why he is trying to control you, and force you to do a job you hate. I bet he's never said no to him before!
It sounds like they have it all worked out and expect you to fall in and do as you're told.

dothraki Wed 13-Mar-13 16:51:19

Pleas go and stay with your mum. You need to clear your head. He is a bully. His parents are bullies. Now they want to take charge of your dc. RUN FAST. You can leave the door open, but he needs to see what he is doing to you. Good luck - I think you need it

Madeleine10 Wed 13-Mar-13 17:00:30

If it's end of year or VAT, I completely sympathise! I really loathe doing those for my husband's business, and always worry I've messed them up somehow.

If you used to have a good relationship with both your husband and your IL's, then no wonder you are in such a mess in your head- it's partly the sheer shock at them all seeming to turn on you now, as well as feeling powerless and bullied.

You are very vulnerable and no doubt tired in the early days of motherhood, they are absolutely awful to be behaving like this at any time, but even more so now.

Blu's post is spot on, and writing down is a very good idea. They need to learn that you WILL be taken seriously, you make your own decisions, and above all show you the respect you are due. They won't do that while they know that trying to bully and grind you down is upsetting you but not making you stand up and give it to them straight.
Some time apart from them, with people who really do have your best interests at heart will help you feel supported and help give you the courage to do what you need to.

Don't give in, please, there is more than the whatever it is job at stake here.

EverybodysSootyEyed Wed 13-Mar-13 17:01:34

You need to nip this in the bud. Tell him his behaviour is unacceptable an that you will not be bullied. Go and stay with your mum or kick him out. Show him exactly what he is going to lose if this behaviour continues.

If you give in once you will be subject to this forever.

It sounds like you are perfectly capable of supporting yourself so you don't need him. He thinks you do. Call his bluff.

This is out and out bullying. You have have moved out of your allocated place at the bottom of the pecking order and it looks like everyone is trying to put you back at the bottom of the heap.

I think being a SAHM leaves you very vulnerable in this particular set up as you will be expected to be grateful for the support that you are getting and to show that gratitude by doing what you are told. (Note - DH was a SAHD and I always appreciated his contribution and it is OUR money).

I would go and visit your parents for a few days and think through the option of returning to work to give yourself some independence from him and his family.

BeckAndCall Wed 13-Mar-13 17:11:24

Gosh, this is getting worse isn't it? I can't believe your in laws would be bitching about you - why would you want to work for these people in any case!

Stand your ground, go and stay with your family for a while - indefinitely maybe - tell him you're considering your options and next move but that it definitely WILL NOT involve working for your FIL.

I can't believe I'm saying this but it may end up in LTB territory here - but more like leave the whole horrible family.....

ChasedByBees Wed 13-Mar-13 17:12:01

This is financial and emotional abuse and I really think you'll be better without him.

You should be feeling angry rather than guilt - there's a job relating to your ILs business which no-one likes. They've decided that they want you to do it because they don't want to, even though its their job. so they see you as their lackey. A subordinate. because them bonding with your DD is more important than you, her mother bonding with your DD. fuck that. Fuck guilt. Get angry.

I would seek lots of real life support as your 'D'H has no problems getting outside people involved in your relationship.

Give in to this and you will always be subordinated and it will get worse as you'll be in a pattern of always giving in. You already sound a little defeatist in your language. Break the pattern before it gets worse. You're under a lot of pressure from some awful bullies. I'd seek advice from women's aid.

StuntGirl Wed 13-Mar-13 17:18:41

Good god, what is wrong with them?

You are absolutely not in the wrong, don't let them make you think that for a second. You informed them of your intentions, gave them plenty of notice to arrange an alternative and have stood your ground when they asked you to reconsider. Now being nicey nice didn't work they're going to bully you into it? Tell them to fuck off.

Your husband may have 'always intended' for you to go back, but you can tell him you always intended to leave. As you made quite clear, it's not like you lied to him or misled him.

Can you look into going back to work elsewhere, either your old job or another one? And I think you really need to look into getting some RL support, from family or friends, so you're not battling him and his family on your own.

They're a bunch of tossers, stand your ground with them.

auntpetunia Wed 13-Mar-13 17:19:38

OK the "his money " got my back up! Have you access to a cash card or an account of your own, take out a chunk of of money today so you don't get left penniless and therefore reliant on hi. Then I'd put everything in writing and leave the envelope on his bag of clothes outside the front door, bolt the door and ignore him, he can spend some time with his precious mummy and daddy!

TheSeniorWrangler Wed 13-Mar-13 17:28:45

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

myBOYSareBONKERS Wed 13-Mar-13 17:31:10

If you do go to your parents please ensure that you take any relevant paperwork or belongings with you - just incase he decides to change the locks.

I know legally he cant do this - but he just might do and by the time you have got back in the house things may have disappeared.

IsItMeBU Wed 13-Mar-13 17:33:34

He does work for the business yes

I have my own account that my wages go into and bills come out of so that is secure.

He has said that because one day the family business will be his so in effect ours I should do now whatever is needed of me. I have never refused to do anything his family have asked of me in the past. I don't want any part of the business. I have my own job and money and I think we need to separate our finances.

IsItMeBU Wed 13-Mar-13 17:34:06

I have a job that I could go back too but wasn't going too

Blu Wed 13-Mar-13 17:36:21

Also, while standing your (perfectly reasonable) ground tell them that if the family business had had a completely unexpected crisis thrust upon them, that threatened the stability of the business for everyone, then of course you would drop everything, as far as possible, and help. But there is no crisis, you made your decision a year ago, your DH and you also made a decision about you being a sahm generally, and you are, in any case, on maternity leave!!

Is there any way of breaking the impasse? Is ther anyone else you know who could step in and do this? I reckon it is your DH who has caused the problem by saying 'oh don't worry, DW will do it', and now he has egg on his face in front of his Dad and the job is looming.

On a practical note, its not a bad thing for your family to have a source of income outside of the family business (assuming it isn't Tescos!) to spread the risk and not put all your eggs in one basket not to mention a running away fund if this carries on

TheSeniorWrangler Wed 13-Mar-13 17:40:04

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheSeniorWrangler Wed 13-Mar-13 17:41:28

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

IsItMeBU Wed 13-Mar-13 17:50:44

I will tell him that, thank you senior

I've said to him that I don't want to work of his parents again because I think we need to separate things and it will make things more awkward if we split and I don't want to be any way reliant on them

WireCatWhore Wed 13-Mar-13 18:02:49

Don't give up your job. Go back.

And I think you ought to leave him for a few days, for them all to stew.

Ha being a bully. And so are the in laws.

Take care xxx

Xales Wed 13-Mar-13 18:04:53

Wow your H is showing his true colours now you are more vulnerable and reliant on him sad

Has the last say

Is his money

You are selfish

His family (not you and DD) come first

Will bully/threaten you with nothing and no support if you don't cowtow to his demands

Only you can decide if this is worth saving. You can't do it alone and you can't do it if he refuses to meet you half way. You will need to be on your guard not to get stuck in a position where you are reliant long term and he starts treating you as a second class citizen if you stay with him.

What a really horrible situation you are in when you should be making the most of your lovely baby.

catsmother Wed 13-Mar-13 18:05:59

You know, what with all his pathetic remarks about "his money" and "pulling your weight" and, in effect, you doing "what you're told" I wonder if he's feeling jealous and resentful that you're a SAHM ?

NOT that that excuses any of this - not a bit. But it's as if he - and his revolting parents for that matter - imagine you're sitting around "doing nothing" all day, and he's got himself into a funk because oh dear, he's the "only one working" now. Which completely misses the fucking point (excuse my language) that looking a very young baby is a full time and worthwhile responsibility and who better to do that than the baby's own mother. Their collective attitude and insistence that you do this job regardless of any other considerations like your baby or your feelings on the matter smacks to me like they want to punish you for some god knows what reason. Unless your so-called "D" H has been off whingeing to them about how terrible it is that you sit on your arse all day eating chocolate bought with his money while he's working his fingers to the bone blah blah blah and taking on all the responsibility for keeping a roof over your head. And mummy and daddy are now feeling outraged on behalf of their poor ickle bickle little boy so have conveniently palmed off - or are trying to - this horrid job which saves them the effort of doing it themselves, or the expense of getting someone else to do it AND which puts you firmly in your place as some sort of underling.

I really don't know what to suggest to you because it's an awful situation where you're being bullied from all angles. They're not only bullies but also liars and hypocrites to have "accepted" your decision not to this any more last year, and for "D" H to have discussed and agreed that you'd be a SAHM. Your bloody MIL does not need to look after your baby - she doesn't need childcare as she has her mum. I'd definitely remove myself and the baby if possible - why should you be subjected to this nasty ridiculous pressure when you've done nothing wrong ? I'm very sorry you're going through this - it must feel very shocking to have had him turn on you like this.

zwischenzug Wed 13-Mar-13 18:24:54

If he isn't willing to accept your wishes you may need to consider how you would go about ending the relationship. I agree with others this is emotional and financial abuse. If you were to give in, would you really want to continue a relationship based on effectively being a slave who does what they are told against their will?

Going to you mums sounds like a good idea, give your partners family time to rethink their position. But if they don't, you may need to accept your marriage must end.

IsItMeBU Wed 13-Mar-13 18:35:55

I think that things will end, speaking to him he truly believes this is all my fault and he is completely right. How can we fix that? I can't see a compromise. We use to be so good together

Madeleine10 Wed 13-Mar-13 18:45:57

I think it's time to stop speaking for now, and maybe go off to your mums this evening or tomorrow morning.

Things are stuck, and the more you both try to talk about it the more entrenched your positions will become. Give yourselves some breathingspace for now, and thinking time.

ChasedByBees Wed 13-Mar-13 18:49:44

You're being really strong OP. thanks take care and get real life support.

OxfordBags Wed 13-Mar-13 19:16:27

You can't fix it. Relationships are over once one partner becomes abusive. If they've allowed themselves to behave that badly, then there's no impetus for them to change, even being dumped or divorced, and there's no coming back from abuse.

Yes, it's totally abuse. And not just from him, the sexist, controlling bullyboy, but from his. Bloodyparents too. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

Being a single, WAHM is a gazillion times better than being a SAHM and being treated like this - and letting your DD learn thatvthisbis how women should be treated by men...

GreenEggsAndNichts Wed 13-Mar-13 19:34:11

This is a horrible situation. Ofc he's convinced he's right; he keeps running to mummy and daddy over it and they're obviously helping reinforce the idea that he's right. The only person he hears dissenting is you, and he clearly (sorru) doesn't value your input.

I'm sorry. sad

Skygirls Wed 13-Mar-13 19:48:55

What an arse! You're the mother of his child ffs!
So, he doesn't want you to look after your own child and let his mum do it?
Run! Go to your mum's and stay there!

He doesn't deserve you or dd if he can treat you like this!

MagicHouse Wed 13-Mar-13 20:08:18

The whole situation sounds really unpleasant for you. You either need to face up to this together (if he would ever sit down and talk, and really listen to what you're saying) or you need to leave. I left a very controlling man who could also be a nasty bully.

Nearly 2 years down the line, my life is incomparably better. Leaving was a huge relief (though obviously horribly stressful and upsetting at the time). Not dealing with someone else's moods and outbursts is lovely. And giving that signal to your DC that actually being treated in certain ways is not right is also a relief (rather than tiptoeing round feeling permanently miserable).

I know how hard it is to make that decision though. I'm pretty sure that I would have stayed in my marriage getting more and more miserable and losing my identity, if something hadn't finally happened that I just couldn't ignore. I know you're not even there yet, and probably most of you wants to resolve this really, but speaking as someone who did get out, just wanted to reassure you that not only is it possible, but life can be pretty amazing if you do it. I think many people see themselves from the past in posts like yours, which is why some advice is such a strong message to get out - I think people want you to get to that point where you, too can look back and breathe a sigh of relief that life is no longer like that.

Blu Wed 13-Mar-13 20:12:39

Bit of breathing space to calm down and let him get some perspective.

The more you row now the more entrenched it will get, as others said.

You stand no chance surrounded by him and his family, you are so ganged up on - go and spend a little time with people who are on your side in life, and give yourself a rest.

You don't need to be planning the permanent end to your marriage yet - if all the stuff about HIS money etc was a heat-of-the-moment unreasonable tantrum then he may well apologise and demonstrate that that isn't his underlying view. And then you can start talking.

What, I wonder, so frightens or angers him about this whole deal? Why is he so invested in YOU doing the job? What's going on in his head?

If he persists in trying to use money to blackmail you then you may want to think further.

But for now, really, I would just take yourself out of the dynamic of the row .

Take care of yourself IsItMe.

MooMooSkit Wed 13-Mar-13 20:18:15

Usually don't post saying LTB very much but I do think it's come to the point that you do that, or he seriously needs some wake up call to see how U he is being (which I don't think is going to happen)

You are being great and have some great advice so far :-)

voscar Wed 13-Mar-13 20:36:16

I've never replied to one of these threads, however your story is awful.

Your husband and his family are a bunch of controlling, manipulative c@nts and you need to get out of there fast. Before your daughter becomes a pawn in their games and the tool with which they hold control over you - and believe me they will.

BegoniaBampot Wed 13-Mar-13 20:46:25

I think they probably do feel upset that this is the family business which will be supporting you as a SAHM which you want, but you don't want to help out as you have done in the past. It's almost a rejection of what they work for and that you want nothing to do with this. I would Imagine in many family businesses people just muck in and do what's needed. How long does this job last?

All the comments and arguments are bad and out of order but people get entrenched often and many things are said that shouldn't be. I don't know how you are both going to sort this out without causing a lot of ill feeling and resentment on either side but I'm sorry you are feeling so crap.

I'd write an email to your husband saying everything you have here, much better then getting into a heated argument where you will feel drowned out and brow beaten and he can read it calmly, hopefully and see where you are coming from.

Yfronts Wed 13-Mar-13 20:50:20

He is being brain washed by his family - no normal man in the same situation would demand his wife do such a thing. He is putting MIL's and FIL's needs above your needs. Very warped sense of loyalty. They are all ganging up on you. Move out and tell them you will not be bullied - they will see less of their grandchild and have ample time to reflect on their behavior. Show your DH these posts.

nkf Wed 13-Mar-13 20:52:26

I think you should consider getting a job of your own choosing. To my mind, everything - and I mean everything - in your post suggests emotional and financial difficulties as you bcome the lower/no earning partner.

Yfronts Wed 13-Mar-13 20:55:27

BegoniaBampot - the husband is earning an honest wage for his work at his fathers company. Why should the wife work there too? It's not a BOGOF offer, the wife isn't automatically part of the deal. The OP had her own different work anyway before the birth of the baby! The IL's knew a year ago that you wen't going back AND your DH knows you hate the job.

EverybodysSootyEyed Wed 13-Mar-13 20:56:15

it's rally good you haven't quit your job yet - is it possible to go back part time/flexible hours? you still have 7 months until you need to go back and it is much easier to consider it with a 12m old than a 5m old

Yfronts Wed 13-Mar-13 20:57:57

You obviously want to be with your baby and be a SAHM. I really relate to that.

EverybodysSootyEyed Wed 13-Mar-13 21:02:27

begonia - the op doesn't need to do this - the mil could do it or someone else

they want her to do it so mil can spend the 2 days a week with her dd

if it was something only she could do that would be fine, but it sounds like a shitty job that no one else wants to do so they think it should be dumped on her

BegoniaBampot Wed 13-Mar-13 21:05:15

But surely it helps her to perhaps understand where they are coming from just as her husband needs to listen to her to hear her feelings on it. Might be somewhere to start and to do it calmly in an email or such.

Xales Wed 13-Mar-13 21:19:52

It's pretty obvious where they are coming from.

No one else wants to do this crappy job so IsIt is being bullied and harassed after doing it a year ago and giving them ample warning that she doesn't want to do it again.

She is on maternity leave, she is not unemployed. Even if they have decided she will be a SAHM she is at present still employed.

Her H is not listening to her or hearing her feelings he has decided she does it or else.

IsItMeBU Wed 13-Mar-13 21:25:53

Thank you for all the replies.

I do understand it from his POV but if we didn't have DD then I know they would have respected my wishes to not continue again. Also last year I was working FT and it was awful trying to manage both jobs so again if I didn't have DD I wouldn't have done it again because it was just too much to manage.

I know his comments about money could have been in heat of the moment but that's the second time he's said it, in two different arguments. I don't want no one to have that control over me or. For me to be in a position where he can stop any money I get and leave me with nothing. It's is why I think regardless of the out cone we should separate finances then we both know where we stand.

He came home to get some things and has left again so thankfully I can stay at home and have space

pigsDOfly Wed 13-Mar-13 21:26:03

You need to get out of this situation asap OP. Your H and his family are ganging up on you (that sounds childish but I can't think of a different way to put it) and you need to protect yourself.

Go to your parents and get some RL support from them. Be very sure of what you're coming back to if you decide to return to your H.

It does sound as if his parents are pushing him, and probably pouring poison into his ear by bad mouthing you and convincing him his wife should do as he (they) says.

MIL wants to get more control over how your DD is raised and is trying to marginalize you. If you do go back to your H and return to your old job you need to make sure you get childcare that doesn't involve her.

I'm not sure you are ever going to get your H to agree with your wishes and may have to consider a different future for yourself.

Good luck.

pigsDOfly Wed 13-Mar-13 21:26:57

sorry x post

sukysue Wed 13-Mar-13 21:35:11

So pray tell what is this awful job they want you to do?

deleted203 Wed 13-Mar-13 21:35:32

Sorry if someone else has already said this (I've skimmed thread) but WTF doesn't MIL do the damn job herself if it's the family business? And then you can look after your own child, without needing her to babysit. I would be telling them that if it was that vital then MIL needs to get off her arse and do the bloody thing - after all, it is THEIR business, not yours. (Or is she not 'pulling her weight' either?)

sukysue Wed 13-Mar-13 21:44:05

What is the awful job please tell us?

Cuddlydragon Wed 13-Mar-13 22:07:50

I've followed your thread and feel very sorry that your DH and PIL are being so bullying. Please speak to your own family and take the space you need. Family isn't a score card of who notches up most contribution as that ebbs and flows over lives. Personally I couldn't forgive the utter contempt they've all shown. Good luck.

OliviaMumsnet (MNHQ) Wed 13-Mar-13 22:30:22

Hi there
Do let us know if you'd like us to move this thread to relationships


Why does it matter what the job is? All that matters is that the OP has said she doesn't want to do it and her DH and the IL are trying to bully her into changing her mind. You sound like you want to second guess her choice which is rather like what her DH thinks he can do.

suekat Wed 13-Mar-13 23:40:29

this is a disgrace. Your H cannot expecting you to go back to this job because MIL wants to babysit too days a wk. she had her chance with her own children now its your turn with YOUR daughter and when you are ready to go back to work it will be a job YOU choose. have you got any family of your own to support you considering his parents are so involved? take your baby and get out of there. you are in a vulnerable position and they are taking advantage of this and bullying you

IsItMeBU Thu 14-Mar-13 02:53:30

No it doesn't really matter what the job is

IsItMeBU Thu 14-Mar-13 02:56:17

I've had a message saying he loves me no matter what the outcome, he feels betrayed and let down that I won't do this for him and to ignor and forget what I heard ils saying because he knows they didn't mean it but their angry I won't do this.

I haven't replied.

Astelia Thu 14-Mar-13 03:26:38

MIL and FIL are outrageous to be coercing you and slagging you off. DH is not standing up for you, but is threatening you.

You gave them ample notice, MIL could do the job, so why the fuss?

They sound nasty controlling people and you need to get away from them and talk to your parents about it all. If your DH has any sense he will see the error of his ways while you are away. It is time to let him stew for a bit and for him to work out where his loyalties should lie.

Astelia Thu 14-Mar-13 03:28:54

PS as others are saying, keep your job and independence. DH might respect you a bit more plus you will be able to look after yourself and DD regardless of how it all works out.

ChasedByBees Thu 14-Mar-13 03:29:31

It's not really an apology or recognising that you are a free person who is able to choose how they spend their time is it? It still sounds like he thinks you're his property and he gets to decide what you do and when. I think there's been some really worrying behaviour from him including trying to forcibly seperate you from your child before you're ready and threatening to withhold money to punish and coerce you. Until he understands why all of this is not acceptable I'd keep my distance as this will raise its head again.

I actually think it would be very difficult for someone with that assumed position of dominance to change their way of thinking. He's not treating you as his primary family or as someone he loves and respects. I think this new text is because you're not backing down but he hasn't changed any of his underlying thinking.

PurplePidjin Thu 14-Mar-13 03:32:42

Email back to say you feel betrayed and let down by his inability to consider your wishes, that you already work 24/7 caring for your dd and that your maternity pay would be withdrawn should you work while on leave.

And make sure you know where all the important documents and financial information is. Just in case.

ChasedByBees Thu 14-Mar-13 03:58:05

I found this on another thread (hat tip to cognito) and some of the points made me think of what you're going through. You should have a think if any others apply.

(From the Womens Aid website) What are the signs of domestic violence?

- Destructive criticism and verbal abuse: shouting/mocking/accusing/name calling/verbally threatening
- Pressure tactics: sulking, threatening to withhold money, disconnect the telephone, take the car away, commit suicide, take the children away, report you to welfare agencies unless you comply with his demands regarding bringing up the children, lying to your friends and family about you, telling you that you have no choice in any decisions.
- Disrespect: persistently putting you down in front of other people, not listening or responding when you talk, interrupting your telephone calls, taking money from your purse without asking, refusing to help with childcare or housework.
- Breaking trust: lying to you, withholding information from you, being jealous, having other relationships, breaking promises and shared agreements.
- Isolation: monitoring or blocking your telephone calls, telling you where you can and cannot go, preventing you from seeing friends and relatives.
- Harassment: following you, checking up on you, opening your mail, repeatedly checking to see who has telephoned you, embarrassing you in public.
-Threats: making angry gestures, using physical size to intimidate, shouting you down, destroying your possessions, breaking things, punching walls, wielding a knife or a gun, threatening to kill or harm you and the children.
- Sexual violence: using force, threats or intimidation to make you perform sexual acts, having sex with you when you don't want to have sex, any degrading treatment based on your sexual orientation.
- Physical violence: punching, slapping, hitting, biting, pinching, kicking, pulling hair out, pushing, shoving, burning, strangling.
- Denial: saying the abuse doesn't happen, saying you caused the abusive behaviour, being publicly gentle and patient, crying and begging for forgiveness, saying it will never happen again.

MordecaiMargaret Thu 14-Mar-13 04:41:25

You poor thing, all couples and families settle into different roles after having a baby - you, h and dd are the most important family unit while grandparents are now just extended family, ILs seem to think they're more important than you in the family. Things have changed and, in relation to your little family, you're more important than them, own that and be confident with it.

How is he with your parents? Does he go out of his way for them? Would he take any of the abuse that you're getting from his?

Hearing them speak about you like that must've been so hurtful, apart from your very valid reasons not to work for them anymore, how can he expect you to go back now you have proof they think so little of you and what you want.

Get some space with your mom and people who love you unconditionally, it must be v tempting where you are to 'compromise' for the sake of peace and let their bullying push you into it.

Take care of yourself and dd first and h if he meant what he said in the last msg.

ILs have shown they're only good to you when they're getting something from you so you owe them nothing.

Hope you feel better soon

SissySpacekAteMyHamster Thu 14-Mar-13 05:57:29

Wow, been reading this thread and think its absolutely disgusting how the family are ganging up on you.

Regardless of whether it would be easier for them for you to do the job, if you don't want to do it, then its entirely up to you.

I would be questioning my husband's loyalty.

Also, he sounds like he is trying to manipulate you with his latest offering.

I would be having a long hard think about how you want your life to be.

IneedAsockamnesty Thu 14-Mar-13 07:40:55

Op, have you spoken to your own mum or dad about this?

OxfordBags Thu 14-Mar-13 08:03:21

Chasedbybees has summed things up really well, except for one point (sorry, Bees) - he shouldn't have to come to understand why it's not acceptable. He doesn't care. If he had any ability or desire to treat you in an acceptable manner, he would already be doing so and would never have treated you like this. This is not a mistake about what's acceptable, this is abuse where he is treating you like his property, like a servant or piece of equipment.

Men don't change or improve when they're like this. THIS is showing you his true personality. It will only get worse, not better. He clearly has no respect for you and no belief or respect for you as a real person in your own right. He'll feel like that about DD too, you know. All that talk of love is bullshit when followed with a list of your faults and 'crimes'. He is the selfish one here.

MummytoKatie Thu 14-Mar-13 08:37:48

I'm sorry but I don't think your marriage is salvageable.from the minute he threatened to withdraw money from you if you didn't do what he wanted he was basically saying "I have the power to make your life hard and I will do it if I can't get my own way." And I can't see how you can get back from that.

What if he threatens to withdraw money if you don't provide sex every night? Or hand full residence of your dd over to his mother?

His parents sound toxic (might be worth having a look at the stately homes thread) and I think they have raised an abuser. sad

I'm really sorry you are going through this. I've tried to see this from all sides, But your husband and inlaws are so out of order and the things that have been said would have me running for the hills. Esp the line about not having another penny of HIS money.

I'm afraid I'm another one who thinks its time to leave.

I would still pack a bag and go and stay for a few days with my mother.
I would leave him a letter outlining his abuse, financially and emotionally, and how you clearly told them ages ago you would not do this job after the last time, and you will not be emotionally blackmailed and bullied into doing it when they had plenty of notice.

I would then email your inlaws, tell them the same thing and that you overheard them. that you don't want to fall out with them as they have already caused many huge rows between you and your husband and that you will not be bullied.

Get your head together and think about the future. I do think in this situation if you can keep your other job open i would and think about going back to it when you can. I would not want them to think they can control you with money.

LimboLil Thu 14-Mar-13 09:45:51

Sounds like mil wants baby and if everyone makes you feel guilty about not doing the job so you cave in, she will get her own way. If it was a case of you and hub desperately needed the money, and they desperately needed your particular expertise and mil could save you childcare costs, then maybe. That ain't the case here though.

dinkystinky Thu 14-Mar-13 09:47:58

OP - pack a bag for you and DD and go stay with your mother for a few days. Turn off the phone and do not engage with your husband or in laws. Their behaviour to you has been appalling - you need some space to figure out if you want to be part of this family set up and if so, on what terms - you then need to speak with DH ot see if that is viable. Threatening you with controlling you through money or MIL taking over with your DD is absolutely 100% not on. I'm so sorry you're in this position.

Blu Thu 14-Mar-13 10:34:03

Did he stay with his parents last night then?

I think he needs to understand that you feel betrayed and let down by him. Betrayed and let down that he would offer you up to do this job against your wishes, and offer up your child to be cared for by MIL, against your wishes. That you feel betrayed and let down that he would threaten you with financial hardship while you are his partner, taking care of his child.

If he comes back to day without understanding that then I would still be off to your Mum's for a while. Let him know that he has pulled this 'MY MONRY' crap in 2 arguments now, and you therefore mistrust him.

Really sorry, all extremely upsetting for you.

IsItMeBU Thu 14-Mar-13 10:42:49

chased reading through that list has made me see and realise a few of the points on there apply to our marriage

He gets on well with my mum but my dad isn't a huge part of our lives. He doesn't see my mum much anymore but would do anything for her if she needed it

sock I've spoken to my mum abit but my sister knows everything. If we ever has problems and arguments I never use to speak to anyone because I thought our problems are exactly that and I didn't want to drag anyone else into them but after PIL I needed to speak to someone and felt much better for doing so

I'm not sure where he stayed last night, he told FIL I heard him Yesturday and told me that he knows he never ment it so I just need to forget about it, when I told him I can't just ignore it he said that I was being stupid then because he knows his dad better then me and I just need to trust him! How can he expect my trust with all he's said to me?

He doesn't want us to have time apart because he doesn't think ill come back but if he comes home tonight then ill leave. I feel so drained from all of this and I've woke up this morning being constantly sick. I'm lucky I've got a supportive mum to help with DD

IsItMeBU Thu 14-Mar-13 10:45:04

Blu ice told him that i feel betrayed, unsupported, bullied and like I'm at war against him and he's family and he said because you are going against me and my family

I've been so tempted to give in even though I know it will make me misrable and I've questioned if I am right but this thread has been great for keeping my eyes open

ChasedByBees Thu 14-Mar-13 10:48:45

Good point oxfordbags and I'm surprised I made any sense - I was up all night coughing with flu.

OP, FWIW, I don't think your relationship is salvageable either, but I can imagine that's a lot to take onboard now.

AllThatGlistens Thu 14-Mar-13 10:50:05

I hope you're as well as can be under the circumstances OP, you're right, you're being put under sickening amounts of pressure, and it is absolutely abusive bullying, please remember that while it may be easier in the short term to give in, it would then give him and your IL's a green light to continue this awful, awful behaviour sad

Talk to your mum and sis, as painful as it is, don't let yourself be coerced into this awful situation again by doubting yourself, their behaviour is bullying, abusive and absolutely appalling!

Take care of yourself, and your little one, mentally and emotionally.

EverybodysSootyEyed Thu 14-Mar-13 10:50:25

Good luck and stay strong!

Even if you were being totally unreasonable about refusing to do the job (which you're not!) you really need to stick to your guns

this has gone beyond the job and is about how he thinks he can treat you and by extension, your DD.

ChasedByBees Thu 14-Mar-13 10:50:49

X-posts. Sorry to hear that more of that list applies. sad

Take all the important paperwork e.g. bank account details, passport, details of his income, any info you have on the IL business etc, paperwork to do with the property, red book for your DD. Pack them in a bag with your clothes and go to stay with your Mum for a few days.

When you are at your Mum's make copies of all the useful paperwork and leave them with her.

If you don't have direct information about the PIL business write down what you know from the work you have done with them. Your DH's income depends on his parents business and I could see if you did split that they might adjust his earnings to minimise any maintenance payments so it might be useful to have some info on how things have been up to now.

MordecaiMargaret Thu 14-Mar-13 10:57:59

Please be kind to yourself, you don't deserve this treatment at all.

Whether or not they meant it, you still heard it and it has hurt you hugely. This needs to be acknowledged. It shows a lot that they aren't bothered enough to explain or apologise to you personally and dismissed it through your h.

Imagine what the fallout would have been if they heard you being nasty about them, I'm sure 'she didn't mean it' would have been accepted.

Don't let him dismiss your opinion or feelings, they're valid and just as important as his - more important than your IL's feelings - when it comes to your little family.

You don't need his permission to stay feeling hurt if your ILs won't apologise.

Blu Thu 14-Mar-13 11:03:50

I think there is no way that you can now 'give in' that will not do equal damage to your marriage, bcause of the issues of trust, and long term resentment. I think giving in now would also affect your self-esteem, especially given how public the whole thing has become. It will be the whole of his family seeing it as having brought you to heel.

There is also your dd to consider. Why should HER needs and wants be subject to the family demands? Of course if you were going back to work now you would be looking at childcare, b ut that would be you choosing how to care for your DD. It is not right that her care is ut in the decision making realm of your ILs.

I honestly don't think this is one of those situations where you can see it from the other side and think 'well, there are arguments on both sides'. I can understand why they would prefer everyone to pitch in as soon as anyone clicks theier fingers, and why they might have assumed, for a short period, that you might, but they had a year's notice, and they should have respected your 'no' when you confirmed that your notice last year was real, even with feeling a bit disappointed, rather than try to blackmail you and be heavy handed.

MissPants Thu 14-Mar-13 11:18:59

So sorry you are going through this OP. I think if you both talk, either face to face or by e-mail, you need to make clear several things to him.

You both made a mutual agreement that you would be a SAHM, he has moved the goal posts suddenly and without discussion (demands do not count as discussion) so he has gone back on the agreement, not you. He has betrayed you, by making you feel secure in your mutual decision whilst he knew all along that his intention was to force you to do this work.

You will not be controlled financially. If he thinks threatening you with removal of funds and security is not controlling then he is kidding himself. It's abusive, you need to make it abundantly clear that using financial support as a tool for blackmailing you is unacceptable and you will not tolerate it.

You have no obligation to his family business, you have a job, and this is not it. Should you choose to go back to work you would be returning to your job and not working for his family. As someone said upthread, this is not a 2 for 1 deal, his working there has no influence over your career choices.

Ask him why he kept quiet this whole time when he knew you didn't intend to do the work? If he disagreed why didn't he speak up at the time rather than feigning support? It feels deliberately deceitful to me, allowing you to believe he fully supported your choice when secretly he was planning a last minute railroading exercise.

Personally I'm not sure I could bring myself to speak to someone who had treated me so shoddily, but if and when you do I would be saying the above. This stinks, particularly the fact that PIL are sticking the boot in as well. I would be tempted to throw in that if you did go back to work in any form DD would be going into a day nursery. See if MIL is still keen for you to do the work then hmm

cloudpuff Thu 14-Mar-13 11:39:57

Im a big lurker on Relatipnship threads but haven't commented before, I just wanted to say I really really hope you stand you ground and do not end up doing the job. The ladies on here offer great support and if you end up seprating you will get loads of support and great advice on the stuff you need to do.

WireCatWhore Thu 14-Mar-13 11:43:38

I cannot work out how you've betrayed him.
It's a shitty job.

Just that, the accusation of betrayal would have me off.

Take care OP.


lottiegarbanzo Thu 14-Mar-13 12:15:25

It's great that you have a job to go back to - much better than if you'd already resigned and would need to find a new one.

I wonder if MIL is a partner in the company. If she is, I bet it's for tax / admin purposes and she isn't a 'real' director. I suspect what's happening here is that the social values of the previous generation are being imposed without thought for how anything has changed - so MIL was a housewife, supported financially by FIL and supporting him in every other way in return and without questioning that expectation. I bet she didn't give up a FT job and her own career. Quite possibly, like many women who didn't think they could have anything different, she resents or is bewildered by your choice and freedom, so refuses to acknowledge it, or belittles it, presenting the things she did as 'the important stuff'.

Your DH though, has no excuse. He's grown up with people his own age! He sounds terribly under their thumb. He really should have spelt out any expectation of your joining the company when you got together / before you married. He clearly holds a desperately 'old fashioned' view that once he's the 'sole breadwinner' you are his staff and his chattel.

Btw, is the company able to generate a FT wage for you at the moment, or even a PT one? It could be quite a burden on it, to add in another working family member. What's the pension like? Doesn't sound like much good business planning has gone on here (oh but you'd just be 'helping', while being kept by the mighty husband, right?).

OxfordBags Thu 14-Mar-13 12:23:16

There's no hope for this relationship because he views him and his parents (and DD, possibly) as his family. Not you. Not you, him and DD. Not even all of you as one extended family. Yu are just the incubator, nanny and general skivvy.

He doesn't get to decide if and when you go to visit your own mother. Again, telling you that you can't go sounds really controlling and bullying. He really thinks that you are just a thing for him to control and decide everything for, doesn't he?

Am glad you have been confiding in your sister. I bet if you have a long discussion with her, she'll have noticed him behaving crappily in the past and has seen a pattern emerging (it's always easier to see these things from the outside). What does she think? I bet she thinks exactly the same as all of us. I can't see anyone except the most pathetic victim-blamer thinking how you are being treated is acceptable or not abuse.

Lottie raises some interesting ideas about your MIL. I bet she's hit the nailon the head. So many people who have been cowed and abused themselves seem to bitterly think "Why should she have what I couldn't?".

Bees, hope you are better today.

Asheth Thu 14-Mar-13 13:12:57

So sorry you're going through this, especially as you have such a young baby. I've no real advice except to say keep reading this thread. When someone, especially someone you love, keeps telling you you're wrong and being unfair it's so easy to start to believe them. So please keep reading this, even if you don't feel like posting, just so you can hear the other voice - the one that says you deserve so much better than this.

EvaM Thu 14-Mar-13 14:29:30

Hmmmm. I'm more and more on the fence here.

You are probably the only person who can determine, if he is an abuser (in which case RUN) in the making or just a temporarily massive arsehole.

I was in a similar situation and although I tried to and mostly did stand my ground it felt like a constant battle of wills. I finally decided to break up with him a year ago and though it was hard it was the best decision I ever made.

I'm not saying it has to be exactly the same for you. You know your H best and can I think crucially determine, if it is a one off due to stress or if you recognise this pattern from the past.

I, too, think that some time apart would do you both good. You don't need to ask his permission. Go to your mum's. E-mail him when you got there. Maybe even offer to meet him there to discuss the issue there on more neutral turf.

I know how hard it is to not give in to 'I'm hurt that you don't support me' but you'll have to, if you want to save what you've got.

StuntGirl Thu 14-Mar-13 14:50:04

I'm sorry they're all being so awful over this sad How can anyone treat someone they love like this? He sounds like a bully.

AllOverIt Thu 14-Mar-13 16:13:12

Stay strong OP! You're doing great!

diddl Thu 14-Mar-13 16:38:12

"like I'm at war against him and he's family and he said because you are going against me and my family"

So mummy & daddy are his family?

So FIL didn't mean it?-so why say it & where's the apology?

Does your husband not mean what he's saying either?hmm

In which case-what's the point?

Oh yes-to bully you into doing what they want!

TheCraicDealer Thu 14-Mar-13 18:35:55

YY to the copying of important documents and bank stuff- you can bet your bottom dollar that if you two split "properly" that family will close ranks and shaft you royally.

IsItMeBU Thu 14-Mar-13 21:05:11

Finally feeling a bit better so came back to update.

Still haven't seen DH but I've spoken to him. He's still saying the same, I love you but how can I ever trust you to support me and do things for me that I need you to do if y ou won't do this one thing ect ect.

FIL gas been to see me to apologise for upsetting me and that everything he said was in anger and he really doesn't think that of me and that me and DH are great together. He said me doing this job isn't worth all the problems it's caused and things have gone way to far.

Im in the house and DH is elsewhere, I get the impression he wants me to ask where but as long as its not here then I don't really care

zwischenzug Thu 14-Mar-13 21:13:39

Good to hear to are feeling a bit better.

Obviously not in a position to judge if your FIL is sincere or not, but it might be a good idea to remain skeptical of his motives.

IsItMeBU Thu 14-Mar-13 21:16:39

I don't think it's possible to completely forget it, no matter how things work out I will always remember hearing that conversation and how I felt when I had to walk in the room to get DDs stuff whilst they were slagging me off

50shadesofknackered Thu 14-Mar-13 21:20:36

isitme I have been reading your thread and I have to tell you how completely awful and unreasonable your husband and in laws sound. Good for you for standing your ground, if you hadn't your life would have been a misery. I know you have a child and its easy to say leave the bastard you seriously should when you are not emotionally involved. Just think if your dd was involved with a man like this, what would you be saying to her? I hope things are resolved soon for you.

IsItMeBU Thu 14-Mar-13 21:24:30

If it was my DD I would go mental and probably got and tell her ils a thing or two. I don't want her to grow up in a bad home but I want to give us a good shot so if things do end badly I know I can always say I tried my best

EverybodysSootyEyed Thu 14-Mar-13 21:27:49

I think your oh has whipped his parents into a frenzy and whilst they can now seen the stupidity of it he is being pig headed about it

You don't have to trust your ILs but it would be helpful to have them onside.

Only you know if this relationship is salvageable but you should take the space. It sounds like you have started to detach so start thinking about practicalities. The fact you still have your job is a huge thing and you have a supportive family.

Good luck - you sound very level headed and strong and I hae every faith you will overcome this in the best way for you and your dd

50shadesofknackered Thu 14-Mar-13 21:30:42

I get that completely but please make sure it's your husband that does the chasing, begging and compromising. You have done absolutely nothing wrong and he has been a total shit, I think if you want your marriage to work you have to maintain a hard line now, although you seem to know this. I don't think I could ever forgive my in laws and I would probably withdraw myself and dc's from them, an apology from fil simply isn't enough. Be strong, you are the injured party here not them.

IsItMeBU Thu 14-Mar-13 21:30:46

Thank you every

IsItMeBU Thu 14-Mar-13 21:34:39

50 I won't be chasing him or begging him. I'm not sure what the next step is but I think we still need some time apart. I'm deffinatly going to step back from ils too, it's such a shame because we did have a great relationship before DD but I suppose now I just want to much control over mine and DDs lives!

50shadesofknackered Thu 14-Mar-13 21:39:33

Good for you! How stupid and shortsighted of them to offend and bully the mother of their grandchild in this way. Thank God you still have your job, could you imagine the threats if you had already given it up. I think you are right that space is a good thing right now, it will give you chance to clear your head and decide what you want going forward.

lottiegarbanzo Thu 14-Mar-13 21:41:02

Can your husband explain why he needs to be able to rely on you to 'do things for him' (note him, not us, our family) now, that he did not before you stopped work and had a child? How were these things achieved before?

He seems to have a strong image stuck in his head of what a mother is and does and, somehow, when you became a mother you stopped being you and became this image, to him. He doesn't seem to recognise that his image of motherhood is not shared by others, including you.

IsItMeBU Thu 14-Mar-13 21:49:31

Lottie I should things for him because I'm at home in the day and he's at work so he sees it as that's his job and everything else is mine. Before when I worked we split everything that needed doing equally, if I had free time and something needed doing then I'd do it and he would do the same. I've thought a few times in the past and said this to him hitch he denies that he wants a marriage like his parents, they have been together a long long time and love each other a lot but his mum is mainly a housewife (does do abit of work in their business) and does everything and his dad doesn't lift a finger in the house.

lottiegarbanzo Thu 14-Mar-13 21:59:45

You could point out that maternity leave is to enable you to spend time with your baby, it is not 'housework and treating your husband as though he has suddenly regressed to childhood or lost the use of his arms' leave.

He should be doing more, because babies make more work to do. That would be normal. I'd be telling him to take his lazy, sexist ideas back to the far end of the 1950s and stay there.

All this 'he thinks this, so that's what's happening' bollocks has to stop. He has an opinion, he discusses it with you, together you reach a decision. Not 'this is your job, do it, wife' ffs.

diddl Thu 14-Mar-13 22:03:10

I don't go out to work so I do most of the household stuff.

Makes sense as I have the time.

But this isn't about that, is it?

It's about you working elsewhere(unpaid??) & therefore needing childcare!

So how does that benefit you three as a family??

lottiegarbanzo Thu 14-Mar-13 22:11:03

The domestic division of labour discussion can and does happen elsewhere (seemingly endlessly) but a simple point is that mat leave is not the same as going on to become a SAHM (even if you know you will) or a housewife.

More importantly, becoming a mother does not mean you start taking orders rather than discussing things.

I think the key point, as others have said, is that he sees his parents, not his wife and child, as his family.

MagicHouse Thu 14-Mar-13 23:38:08

Well done for standing your ground. Neither your DH or your ILs are recognising how unreasonable they have been tho - even your FIL didn't seem to apologise for the reason behind everything. I think your DH staying away is another tactic to scare you into changing your mind - he probably hopes you're panicking about it. Good for you for sticking to your guns. If he comes back - really try to sort this out though - what contributed to my leaving eventually was when my ex's controlling behaviour started to be directed at my DD. It's one thing putting up with it yourself, but quite another for your children.

helenthemadex Thu 14-Mar-13 23:47:23

sorry you are having such a hard time at the moment, and good for you standing up to your bullying h

IneedAsockamnesty Fri 15-Mar-13 00:06:10

Withdrawal of attention or emotion is a recognised DV technique and done as a manipulative step to either punish or frighten the other person.

Going off in a temper tantrum attempting to add distress by not disclosing location ( where there is no good reason not to) and still attempting to bully from afar is completely different to saying "I'm going to my mums because this entire situation is stressing me out"

Expecting a grown adult to fall into line because his mummy wants them to is piss poor behaviour.

Op ask your self this question..

At what point do you decide you have given it your best shot?

Is is when he carrys out his threats or when he starts behaving like this towards his children or when at some stage in the future you look back and realise that the last decade of your life has been spent with a man who has behaved in this way every day for one reason or another and even when he's making an effort not to he can only maintain it for 48 hours,your child/ren have started to copy the way he behaves and you are completely dependant on the notion of giving it your best shot.

Oh and screw fil's apology the bloke goaded his own son and encouraged him to treat you like that there is not a chance that he didnt know dh would do it the only reason he's said sorry is because you won't let them bully you, do you think he would have apologised if you backed down, nope he would be impressed it worked and him dh and mil would be working out how to notch it up a bit the next time they want you to do something you don't want to just so you cave quicker.

HermioneHatesHoovering Fri 15-Mar-13 01:10:05

"He's still saying the same, I love you but how can I ever trust you to support me and do things for me that I need you to do if y ou won't do this one thing ect ect."

This ^ he doesn't think you deserve HIS support though, does he?

Emotional blackmail.

AllOverIt Fri 15-Mar-13 05:52:52

Good for you OP. You sound calm and assertive.

Stand your ground.

I would find it very hard to forgive any of them, to be honest.

IsItMeBU Fri 15-Mar-13 06:29:04

Socks you've really mad me think, I don't know when I would make that decision. Maybe if we keep arguing about this and other things or if this subject doesn't get dropped ASAP, or if he ever tried to threaten me with money again

BegoniaBampot Fri 15-Mar-13 08:12:40

OP - you know your husband and what he has been like in the past. You need to decide if this is a blip that has been blown all out of proportion with sides feeling backed against a wall or something more serious which will continue. That first year or so with a baby and the change in dynamics can be very hard.

IneedAsockamnesty Fri 15-Mar-13 09:24:49

It is something that you do need to think about, loads of people can give you so much advice ect but everything does come down to what your cut off point is and how you feel about what is going on and if you can accept being treated like that.

Some people do decide that the few days of decency are worth putting up with the days of crap,some people decide there not and some people decide there not worth it but are to concerned about hurting people's feelings or looking like the bad one so they stay in the relationship giving last chance after last chance slowly losing the will to live.

You also need to be able to work out if once you've decided enough is enough you will be able to voice that safely and end it or if your one of the many who will just absent themselves emotionally from the relationship but just not have the actual conversation.

I love you but how can I ever trust you to support me and do things for me that I need you to do if y ou won't do this one thing ect ect.

He's still saying this, after everything!!???
So he doesn't 'trust' you!!! Why not? What are his reasons for this?
And what things does he 'need' you to do?
It's still all about him and he's still trying to get his own way. He hasn't learnt a single thing from all of this.
YOU need HIS support on this and he has totally and utterly not been there for one single second for you. Why should be there for him???
Relationships work 2 ways and while it's still all to do with him, you need to stay away.
Good luck with what ever you do on this one!

Blu Fri 15-Mar-13 13:35:44

"He said me doing this job isn't worth all the problems it's caused and things have gone way to far."

Now his son needs to come to a similiar realisation. About everything.

It does sound as if he has taken many things for granted about how things would be once the whole dynamic of your family changed on the birth of your child and your mutual decision to be a sahm. This whole matter has laid bare the ugly bones of that massive differnce in understanding. But it is a very difficult time, it involves a change of some degree of self identity etc. Maybe he is feeling the responsibility of breadwinning more now that you plan to live on one income.

Either he will listen and be open minded and realise what century he is in, and that his family NOW with you is not going to be a carbon copy of his parents', and that he needs to work in partnership with you, or he will not.

He is either the victim of his own lazy assumptions, or he is controlling.

The disappearing without saying where does sound like a mind game.

It sounds like you have a good antennae for discerning which as things progress.

Good luck.

CecilyP Fri 15-Mar-13 14:32:12

I love you but how can I ever trust you to support me and do things for me that I need you to do if y ou won't do this one thing ect ect.

Yes, this is a really outrageous statement. You have not breached his trust in any way. It is not as if you let them down at the last minute. You told them a year ago that you would not be doing it again. It is your DH who has breached your trust: you told him you weren't doing it, you told his parents you weren't doing it. He did not try to pursuade you at the time and now he, without any discussion with you, has volunteered your services for this job that you hate. He is the one who can't be trusted.

Who was doing this unattractive job before you came along? How did you get roped in in the first place when you already had your own full time job? Were you led to believe it was far less work than it actually was? Why can his mother not do the job while you look after your baby? Why did they want it to be the other way round? They don't sound a particularly pleasant bunch.

LadyPessaryPam Fri 15-Mar-13 15:06:22

Say to him

I love you but how can I ever trust you to support me and do things for me that I need you to do if you try to make me do this job that I have said I don't want to do.

digerd Fri 15-Mar-13 16:12:22

Exactly. Dh is being very manipulative and putting you in the wrong.
He is the one those words apply to, not you.
If he carries on insisting then HE has proved you can't trust him to support you in the future as he isn't now in your greatest hour <months> of need.

He is trying every trick in the book to try and make you bend to his will. Threatening lack of support, playing the victim, leaving and not telling you where he is going.. he will not stop until he wins unless you stop playing the game. If one tactic doesn't work he will try another, upping the ante every time. If you calmly repeat the same short thing (I'm not doing it, I will not do it) over and over and over without getting worked up then none of his tactics will work and he will cycle through them. Leaving to your parents will disengage, especially if you refuse to take his calls and texts and only talk to him in person with them there.

If you don't put your foot down and stand up for yourself (and get righteous anger that he dare try to bully you into doing this) then if you do split up he will bully you into whatever he wants from the divorce because you want it all to end.

You sound like you could do with some professional unbiased support too as well as friends and family. Do you think it would be useful to hear that you are being reasonable from a counsellor?

You are right, it doesn't matter what the job is, we don't need to know. It isn't your responsibility, you aren't responsible for his happiness and you shouldn't have to perform some lowly task in order for him to trust you. He is trying to manipulate you. You are doing a great job standing your ground. Dig those heels in! Keep going and if you really doubt yourself then read what you have written. It is good advice to imagine it from the side of your grown daughter and what you would tell her.

To paraphrase
I love you, if you put my needs and wishes before your own

MummytoKatie Sat 16-Mar-13 11:21:18

Op - how are you today?

IsItMeBU Sat 16-Mar-13 14:02:26

Hi, I was okay but now I've had lots of lovey texts about how much he misses me but it quickly got back to the point how I've hurt him and won't do this for him and its making him depressed hmm
I found out last night that 'apparently' they have someone else to do the job but after today's messages I'm not sure because I get the impression he's still hinting for me to do it

OxfordBags Sat 16-Mar-13 14:16:53

OP, it is NOT an apology or a genuine expression of love if it is followed by a 'but'... and then a list of your faults and why you're responsible for your own suffering. Wanker.

OxfordBags Sat 16-Mar-13 14:17:59

Argh, posted by mistake.

This is not abut the job, you do get that, don't you? This is all about him wanting to control you and have you be whatever and whoever he needs you to be. The job was just an easy way for him (as he saw it) to try to break you.

ChasedByBees Sat 16-Mar-13 14:18:26

Wow, he really is trying every trick in the book to bring you back into line isn't it?

dothraki Sat 16-Mar-13 14:25:06

Don't reply to his texts - they are not unconditional.
He loves you - as long as you do what he wants.
Oxford is right - this is no longer about the job - its about him and his P's controlling you. I wouldn't speak to him, or reply to his texts. You need time to think - clearly.

foslady Sat 16-Mar-13 14:25:55

Only just read this, and think you are fantastic for standing your ground, OP. PLEASE stay strong, your life will be so miserable if you back down as they will be shown to be right that if they stick together and be abusive to you then you will be in their control. Your husband just doesn't get it, does he? And the level of abuse he's threatened/shown is appalling - I hope you've kept copies of the texts/emails, even if you survive this episode, you may need them to remind you of his behaviour patterns in the future......sad

DameFanny Sat 16-Mar-13 14:37:50

I've just read this thread start to finish and bloody hell it's a good thing you've got a job to go back to. Thank heavens he started all this before you were irrevocably dependent on him.

I don't know your marriage, and I don't know your h, but for me it sounds like he's pushed things so far in a really short period of time that you're boot going to be able to trust him for a long time - if ever.

Start making plans as if he's not in the picture, so you know yolk be able to look after dd's needs with or without him. And her needs include having healthy, respectful relationships modelled for her, so that's a flat 'no' to your mil doing any child care.

And it may be that he gives himself a good talking to and starts behaving like the respectful adult you though he was - but if you give him any ground it's a green light for him to walk all over you.

IsItMeBU Sat 16-Mar-13 14:58:21

I do know this has gone way past any job. I just thought that he might finally be understanding and see my point but then as soon as you give an inch he tries to take a mile. I know I can't give in now otherwise all this grief would be my fault because I just could of give in earlier and saved all this but I'm not. It's too important I can't have my DD grow up thinking certain behaviors are acceptable.

We've never been apart for so long though

DameFanny Sat 16-Mar-13 15:03:41

Sending sympathy and hair strokes your way...

Can you get your sister over for the night? Watch some crappy movies and eat popcorn?

Get busy with a project or two? Rearrange your wardrobe and get excited about wearing work clothes again? Start looking for childminders - if you can familiarise dd with one before 8/9 months you can often dodge the separation anxiety stage.

But most of all, be assured that you're not bu - you've been backed into a corner and given no real choices.

IsItMeBU Sat 16-Mar-13 15:53:39

I'm missing him today sad

DameFanny Sat 16-Mar-13 16:14:26

That's only natural. sad

But none of this is your fault - and standing your ground it's the only way of finding out if the man you married is still there.

thanks for you

"I'm missing him today sad"
You're missing the man you thought he was. You're missing the life you thought you were living. So sorry for how things are working out right now. But you know you are doing the right thing, for you and your DD.

MagicHouse Sat 16-Mar-13 16:42:09

Could you stay with your mum for just a little while? A couple of nights on the sofa/ travel cot? It might make it seem less like you are "waiting" for him to come home. That must be really difficult. Hang on to realising that you are in the right. I think he is just using tactics to break your spirit a little bit (staying away), and to make you doubt yourself. The trouble is, tactics like this are VERY effective. You ARE more likely to cave in and start apologising when he comes back, simply through relief he's back, and relief that your marriage might still be working. (He'll also be as nice as pie when he comes back I'll bet.)
If you stay with family and friends and talk about your feelings, you're more likely to stay focused on what the problem is that needs to be addressed - and it really does need to be dealt with, or this will become a pattern.

More flowers for you.

Lueji Sat 16-Mar-13 16:50:28

Of coutar you miss him, or rather, his nice persona.
But remember why he's away.
He droped you with the children.
He walked out.
His choice.
You don't need this so called man.

digerd Sat 16-Mar-13 16:53:33

He is using that devious tactic,' the best form of defence is attack,' used by cowboys, manipulators and conmen/women, by 'attacking you' to get his own way.

He is showing his true colours in trying to make you feel guilty as he has no conscience himself and is impossible for him to feel any guilt or admit he is in the wrong.

yellowbrickrd Sat 16-Mar-13 17:01:41

Bless you, what a gruelling situation. You are showing a hell of a lot of character and guts by not backing down.

It really impressed me when you said you wanted to set an example to your dd. By doing that you are helping to create a society where women will feel that much braver in standing up to this kind of treatment. She's going to be so proud of you when she's older.

digerd Sat 16-Mar-13 17:11:29

He gets worse. They have found somebody to do the job but he wants you to do it< when he knows you don't want to>. Why? He needs to feel he's in control of you. You've made him depressed? NO, deep anger that you didn't do what he wanted. He does not care about what you want only what he wants.

IsItMeBU Sat 16-Mar-13 17:26:41

I hope so yellow. I feel like I could be taking her family away from her

SarahBumBarer Sat 16-Mar-13 17:31:13

How sure are you that your DH was fully in agreement with you being a SAHM? I know you say it was mutual but the only way I can see understand why he is behaving this way is if in fact he is not in agreement and is stressed by the prospect of being the WOHP without the benefit of you contributing financially.

understand does not equal condone by the way. But his attitude just seems to extreme and at odds with your previous decisions that it made me wonder.

SarahBumBarer Sat 16-Mar-13 17:31:50

*so not to

MagicHouse Sat 16-Mar-13 17:35:41

This isn't your fault.
You are giving her strong messages about what behaviour is right.
Whatever happens she will still always have a "family", one with a confident role model for a mum.
I think your husband will come back soon. He will be loving and a little bit upset, and if you're not careful it will be all about making him feel happier. I think you need to make sure that you, too assert the fact that you have been very let down and feel that the trust is gone for you at the moment.

foslady Sat 16-Mar-13 17:42:54

IsIT - you are not taking anyone away from your dd, he's choosing to remove himself. There's a big difference

MummytoKatie Sat 16-Mar-13 17:47:50

Just want to say that I think you are being really brave and strong here.

IsItMeBU Sat 16-Mar-13 17:50:08

Sarah - I'm sure he was in complete agreement with me. We spoke so much about it and worked out costs and working and putting DD in child care would take up most of the money I would earn. Now the only thing I can think of if he's changed his mind and wants me to work and mil look after DD. she told me the other day she wants time with her without me there

MrsTomHardy Sat 16-Mar-13 17:50:19

Agree with Foslady....he has removed himself

IsIt, safety and security is more hierarchical on the scale of needs than family. It is more important to your daughter that she not see her mother bullied than she have family around. Hopefully by staying strong and refusing to be treated like a doormat she will get both but if you can only pick one it is more important for her to be secure.

You are doing great. I'm sorry your lovely-before-becoming-a-parent husband is not around, it must be so hard going through this without him around. Please don't buckle because he is nice to you, bullies can often be incredibly charming. Please only relax if he unconditionally apologises for being an enormous arse and completely unreasonable. Refuse to accept "I miss you, I'm sorry I blah blah blah BUT YOU"

yellowbrickrd Sat 16-Mar-13 17:59:09

No Isit, you haven't caused this situation but you are being forced to react to it and you have chosen the right way. You could have caved in, kept the peace, but inside you would have been raging and devastated.

I hope he does the sensible thing, realises this is a whole new beginning for the three of you and shapes up. Unfortunately you can't control that, it is all up to him and you can only keep doing what you've been doing - staying true to yourself and your child.

BeckAndCall Sat 16-Mar-13 18:07:05

Coming back in here to say, your MIL may want time with your DD without you there but she has no right to expect it and quite frankly she has no say in it. She is definitely not the kind of person I would want looking after my DD, with the things she's said about you.

I'm thinking that MIL may be the driving force behind this - maybe your DH sees himself as having to stand up to either you or his mother and has chosen to try to control you because he can't or daren't with his mother?
Hence, she sas, 'I want time with DGD' and tells him to sort it out and she's so controlling of him that he can't see clearly how wrong he is?

You are being very brave, OP. and I hope your DH is feeling really lonely right now as he just doesn't deserve you.

TweedSlacks Sat 16-Mar-13 18:14:44

So... MIL wants to play Dollies with your DD

DP wants you to do a menial job anyone could do but He thinks you should do it

MIL wants to spend time with DD incase you are not bringing her up properly

FIL thinks you should be brought into line and your wishes re the stupid job ignored

DP Threatens you with financial control for not doing his bidding

Sounds to me like DP has engineered a situation as almost a test. MIL has pressured him for 'time alone' ( I am concerned about this ) with DD . DP is using the job /business as a lever to manipulate you and appease his MIL and concede to her wishes.

I am so sorry for you . You must feel terrible and in a headspin . This should be a special time for you as a new familly , getting into a routine and getting to know your daughter. Now this shitstorm has rained down and your DP is proving himself to be an arsehole living in the 50's.

You are facing a difficult few weeks , Im not going to tell you to run for the hills or LTB as you know him well . Be true to yourself and be firm and positive with your decisions , try to stay away from ultimations and threats , plus ask on here for advice or hand holding

SarahBumBarer Sat 16-Mar-13 18:17:52

Well it's incomprehensible then and must be an even worse shock to you. I'm really sorry - think you're doing really well, stand your ground.

IneedAsockamnesty Sat 16-Mar-13 18:19:35

Sarah, from everything the op has said it does NOT look like he was not in complete agreement with her being a sahm.

It decidedly looks like he was but not for the same reasons the op thought it was a good idea, she thought " good I can be with dd all the time" he thought "good I can be the boss of her and she will have to put up with it because I'm the one earning"

Sorry, but this all sounds as though it is about your MIL getting her hands on your baby.

You've said she wants time alone with your baby and doesn't agree with you on issues of childcare. God, even more reason not to let her have time alone with your baby, surely?

Sounds like he's made her a promise and has made an arse of himself by telling his family "oh don't worry about IsItMe, she'll come round"

Now that you have NOT come round to their way of thinking, he thinks he looks like an arse in front of his family.

But, hang on a moment, surely his wife's needs should come before his parents'?

You have just had a baby FFS, he should be putting you first. Why on earth should you leave your five-month old child to go and do some shit job, just because your husband wants you to? Good god, what century are we actually in? Women are allowed to choose what work they do?

Your MIL does not have the right to time with your baby without you there, just because she wants it YOU are the baby's mother, and YOU will choose.

STICK TO YOU GUNS, OP. Or your life as part of his family will be hell.

MadamFolly Sat 16-Mar-13 19:01:22

Agree with everyone else, you cannot give in to him or your life will never be your own.

Has he made no attempt to see DD? Does he not miss his baby girl?

MollyMurphy Sat 16-Mar-13 19:06:04

Wow, just wow! It's hard to believe their are such assholes in the world. You DH and his parents are bang out of order - you can't just let this go. If your staying I would put couples counselling on the table. They are being abusive.

oh OP I feel so sorry you have to deal with this sad

IsItMeBU Sat 16-Mar-13 20:03:09

He wants to come and see DD tomorrow but I'm sure if he will, I've spoken to a friend of ours and she mentioned her DP and DH are out tonight. She doesn't know our problems so it was just in general convo.

I don't think 'your her mum you choose' will work DH is pushing hard for me to leave DD with him mum too hmm. We use to be on the same team, there were alot of arguments when DD was 2w old because I hadn't been over after my section and it was only 3 days since they had last saw her and he was completely on my side but then it changed

Oh I wish I could have a bottle of wine

IsItMeBU Sat 16-Mar-13 20:04:27

I had thought of couples counseling but I no it's something he won't go for, I did think of going on my own but finances aren't going to stretch if I want to have as much time off with DD before work

Montybojangles Sat 16-Mar-13 20:14:36

Woah there, MIL wants to spend time alone with your 5 month DD on her own?

Well, that's just fine if you have asked her and are happy with that, it's not bloody well on if she thinks it's something she is entitled to and that you should be doing some crappy job that she could do if she could be arsed in order to facilitate her selfish want.

I think perhaps your DH has spent his life (along with your FIL) doing whatever makes mummy happy, and that's where this crap has originated from.

Stick to your guns. And if your DH starts talking about "his" money again ask him what he thinks the divorce court will think is his and what is yours. Might shock him into actually thinking about the bullshit he is spouting.

My brother in law spouted some similar trash once about the disparity between his and my lovely SILs pay, basically saying she was getting a free ride. He was pretty drunk at the time, as was I as I asked him to tell me if he honestly thought there was another saint woman in the world that might put up with his misogynistic, OCD, irritating habits!

I'm sorry that you are having this awful time so soon after having your little one, I hope your DH sees sense and comes back on his knees grovelling for forgiveness, but please do not fall into the trap of just agreeing and letting things go for the sake of a simple life. I did with my ex, and it went from mental bullying to much more as my self esteem was worn away. You are worth a lot more, and only ever settle for a man who puts and KEEPS you on a pedestal. If you would move heaven and earth for him, he should want to do the same for you too. unMN hugs

IsItMeBU Sat 16-Mar-13 20:38:48

Thank you monty, I've separated our finances now so he can keep his money and not think he can use it as a hold over me.

IneedAsockamnesty Sat 16-Mar-13 21:21:42

Have you considered getting a bit of legal advice just incase?

Its fairly safe to say that if you don't work this out more bullying will happen.

Skygirls Sat 16-Mar-13 21:34:23

I think it's very sinister that your MIL wants DD all to herself without you there, and that your DH is pushing hard for this.

It sounds like they're collaborating to take her away from you.
Why would they, and especially DH, want to do that to you?

Stand firm and don't give in!
As another poster up thread said, can you go away to your mum's or other relatives for a few days? Just so you can clear your head and to send the message to DH that you're not waiting around for him to choose when he comes back.
Appalling behaviour from DH and Pils.

sleepsforwimps2010 Sat 16-Mar-13 21:45:05

i don't want to suggest he's a threat but alcohol and anger are not a good mix.
If he has keys to where you are staying i think you should leave the keys in the locks overnight so he cant just come in....

OxfordBags Sat 16-Mar-13 21:53:31

MIL has absolutely no legal right to see your DD. It all sounds really sinister. I Monty hit the nailn the head saying that your OH and FIL have spent their lives doing whatever makes her happy. They are so scared of not doing that that OH isprepared to sacrifice your happiness and the happiness, security, wellbeing and bond with her primary caregiver of his daughter. In other words, he has chosen his dysfunction over his wife and child. There isn't a way back from this. Patterns that entrenched don't change - and if they can, certainly not quick enough to stop them completely fucking up you and your DD.

DeepRedBetty Sat 16-Mar-13 22:01:55

Here, have some of my wine op. The great thing about mn wine is you can have as much as you like without getting a hangover. Although judging by some of the typos a couple of recent posters have had some real wine too grin

We're all here to hold your hand.

lashingsofbingeinghere Sat 16-Mar-13 22:07:27

OP, it is all very obvious why this is happening imo.

DH is afraid of his parents because they have the power over his future at the family business.

His DM wants to see more of your DD.

She needs you to take the job with the family business so she can have an inarguable excuse to look after your daughter by herself.

She is giving her DH and DS grief until she gets her way.

So, MIL and FIL are both manipulating your DH to get what they want (access to your DD). The job is just a decoy argument.

Your DH may or may not understand he is being played and manipulated by his parents.

Stay strong and stay independent. Your DH and Ils have picked this fight, not you. Sounds like everything so far has been sweetness and light as long as you agreed with everything, but they don't take kindly to being challenged and disagreed with and they respond with threats and emotional blackmail.

Get some emotional and practical support and resist what is happening because if you give in to it it will only get worse.

Vijac Sat 16-Mar-13 22:09:42

Could there be a compromise? What sort of a job is it. Maybe suggest that you do one day and MIL or H the other day or that you can recruit the new starter on their behalf. There is give and take and helping each other in families but you shouldn't be blackmailed.

WaterfallsOver Sat 16-Mar-13 22:10:10

Yanbu. I'm so sorry for you and your situation, stay strong for yourself and beautiful dd. xx

candyandyoga Sat 16-Mar-13 22:10:16

Good lord women like your mil really fuck me off. What is it with these stupid women that they are so desparate to spend time with the grand kids without the parents there?! No no no, don't let her. She is YOUR baby, enjoy her and stay home with her. She is only five months old! I hate mils like this.
Your husband is being a manipulative, controlling bully. I can't see how you can be with him - he sounds awful.

Vijac Sat 16-Mar-13 22:15:48

Also, yes five months is really young. Can't they wait any other 6 months-a year to start asking about this?

IsItMeBU Sat 16-Mar-13 22:43:06

Sky girls - I dont think my DH would take her from me no. I do think if I let mil look after her for say an hour or so she would swan off with her for the whole day. MIL wants us to go on a big family holiday I said id rather not which DH wasn't happy about and said he's taking DD regardless so I'm not signing any passport forms m he can't get her one without me signing can he? I true,y don't think he would take her but I would have bet a lot on him not acting the way he has been

Thank you deep red they really need a bottle emotion!

Lashings I think you could have described that very well there

IneedAsockamnesty Sat 16-Mar-13 22:48:41

Your legally married?

If so yes he can get one without anything from you.

IsItMeBU Sat 16-Mar-13 22:49:58


IneedAsockamnesty Sat 16-Mar-13 22:50:59

You wouldn't even know about it if he did but decided not to tell you.

candyandyoga Sat 16-Mar-13 22:53:32

I think you need to start getting some legal advice, you seem married to the husband and family from hell. :-(

IsItMeBU Sat 16-Mar-13 22:55:31

So I could get one for DD and put it away?

IneedAsockamnesty Sat 16-Mar-13 23:05:24

You could, but you do need to get some legal advice just to protect yourself.

IsItMeBU Sat 16-Mar-13 23:06:00

Candy he use to be a great man. Funny, loving, caring and loyal we had a great relationship and I thought we were in a great place to start our family but seems things change

IsItMeBU Sat 16-Mar-13 23:07:11

I think I'll look into it next week thanks socks hmm I didn't think things would ever come to this

IneedAsockamnesty Sat 16-Mar-13 23:14:33

Just because you are taking legal advice does not mean you have made a decision as to the relationship. Its not the death blow ect.

Its quite sensible to make a decision when you have all relivant information and the advice is a way of getting some of that info.

terrierist Sat 16-Mar-13 23:16:37

Yes, you should get a passport for DD then keep it somewhere safe, maybe with a friend or relative. You can also request to be notified if someone applies for a replacement (just in case) as you are concerned that DD may be taken out of the country without your consent.

IneedAsockamnesty Sat 16-Mar-13 23:20:07

Am I correct in thinking that a parent with PR does not need consent to take the child out of the country as long as its for less than 30 days?

apostropheuse Sat 16-Mar-13 23:39:03

Yes that's right Socketreturningpixie

dothraki Sun 17-Mar-13 00:12:55

Is your dh an only child ? Are there no other female relatives on his side that would support you ? I think you MIL is disturbing, and her dh and your dh enable her. I agree that you should go and stay with your mum or your dsis. You need to think - but without the underlying worry - like will he turn up unannounced at 3am pissed ?

IsItMeBU Sun 17-Mar-13 07:38:10

I don't think he would take her I think I'm just panicking with what ifs hmm

No he's not an only child

RapunzelAteMyHamster Sun 17-Mar-13 08:24:57

If he's not actually from a different country, I think the passport thing is a red herring, he's not in a position to abscond with her permanently. Get one yourself, and put a note on the file that replacements can't be got without notification to you.

If you do decide to give your relationship another go, make absolutely sure you don't get into a position where your MIL has regular access weekly e.g. looking after your DD two days a week. Because if that precedent is set, and you then leave, if she seeks access then the courts may well grant it, and you'll be looking at handing your DD over for access to your MIL separately from your H.

Slinkysista Sun 17-Mar-13 08:53:51

I feel so sorry for you, the first few months after childbirth are hard enough without all this. You are doing the right thing in giving yourself some space. Seems to me you DH has an idea how he wants his family to be, he just hasn't factored your thoughts and feelings in to it. I hope it gets sorted out but you most definitely not being unreasonable, your DH is being absolutely ridiculous, he should be totally ashamed of himself.

Blu Sun 17-Mar-13 20:12:35

Wtf was he thinking anyway, to plan to go on a hol, without you and to take your (as in yours and his) baby away when you aren't happy about it! That isn't the reaction of a loving partner.

Has he said where he is, OP?

Wrt to the passport, just take her birth certificate and hide it at your Mums, he can't get a passport without it.

I know he won't abscond abroad with her, but how can he think of taking a small baby away from her Mum unless you are all happy about it?

StanleyLambchop Sun 17-Mar-13 20:28:39

Can he not just apply for a copy of the birth certificate though?

The fact that he has suggested taking your baby DD away without you shows that this incident over the work is not a one -off is it? He has reacted in a similar way before when you did not agree with him. It seems like a slippery slope to him wanting full control over you, TBH. Well done for resisting it and please stay strong!!

BegoniaBampot Sun 17-Mar-13 20:45:26

Sounds like he just verbally lashes out and sounds off, probably doesn't mean half of it. Not that it's ok for him to do this and he needs to realise how upsetting and out of order it is to act like this, especially when you feel and are vulnerable.

SanityClause Sun 17-Mar-13 20:49:17

Blu, anyone can get a copy of a birth certificate, even a stranger. Such a copy can be used to obtain a passport.

digerd Sun 17-Mar-13 21:25:34

How did the family birthday party go. It was today, wasn't it?

digerd Sun 17-Mar-13 21:26:49

Sorry wrong thread!

IsItMeBU Sun 17-Mar-13 22:34:59

No still hasn't said where he is and I haven't asked either. He come and saw DD today while I was with my mum and you would think all these problems are in my head, he was very friendly, relaxed and chatty.

How can anyone just get someones birth certificate? He has asked me to take DD to pil tomorrow, not sure what ill do

lottiegarbanzo Sun 17-Mar-13 22:43:54

Do you want to take her? You don't have to.

IsItMeBU Sun 17-Mar-13 22:45:20

I feel maybe I should but its going to be so bloody awkward sad

yellowbrickrd Sun 17-Mar-13 22:59:57

But why should you? You certainly don't owe them any favours after the way they've behaved and you're in emotional turmoil. At the moment your priority is you and dd and what you want to do.

What if you go there and they all gang up on you, start putting the pressure on again? It could turn into a very unpleasant showdown.

anonacfr Sun 17-Mar-13 23:22:19

It's dead easy to get someone's birth certificate online. You just fill in a few details (parents' full name/DOB) and ask for the copy to be mailed wherever you want.
You then get a passport form from the post office and take into passport office/post it to them with birth certificate, certified passport photo (signed by a trusted non-relative who also has to sign the form to confirm they know the parents and baby- we did with DH's work colleague who had never met me or baby) and then ask for the passport to be sent by post to an address of your choice.
Only one of the parents need to sign the form. You don't even need a copy of marriage certificate.

The most difficult part of the process is actually getting some baby passport photos- you have to go to a specialised place (that can sometimes be found at local post offices/pharmacies, so not ridiculously hard) to make sure they're within norm.

The best way to prevent any passport to be issued without your knowledge is either to never leave your DD or get it done yourself first and keep hold of it.

Hope it doesn't have to come to that.

IneedAsockamnesty Sun 17-Mar-13 23:28:32

Why would you go there, you know its just going to cause you problems and hurt.
Not sure I understand why you feel obliged to set yourself up.

candyandyoga Sun 17-Mar-13 23:45:23

No no don't go!

Skygirls Mon 18-Mar-13 00:44:07

I agree. Do not go to PIL. They have been very unreasonable and unkind towards you, so don't give them the pleasure of seeing dd, and also because DH, who buggered off to god knows where, wants you too

PILs have no right to see dgd, unless you allow them that privilege.
Why do you feel you should? Don't do it... They'll probably use the advantage of being on their own turf to pressure you.

If you feel that they should see your dd, arrange to meet them somewhere neutral eg playground, restaurant, so if they try it on, you can just leave.
If it were me, I'd also bring along my DM or a close friend for support if they get nasty.

Be strong and stand up to them! If you give in now, it will be worse for you later on down the line.

" I'm being bullied to do something I never wanted to do and he basically said i have to do it because mil wants to babysit DD 2 days a week."

"He has asked me to take DD to pil tomorrow, not sure what ill do"
I think I would not take DD to them. It's MIL's determination to have your daughter all to herself without you there that started this particular ball rolling. Perhaps, if she thought she wasn't going to get to see her whenever she issues a decree as much as she has until now, it might focus her on telling her son he needs to fix things. After all, it seems he dances to her tune sad.

CSIJanner Mon 18-Mar-13 03:07:23

Tomorrows Monday- would the PIL's usually see DD on a Monday or do you have your own routine? More importantly, at 5months, is she teething or likely to be hollering for you because if he's suggesting more than a couple of hours, she will not be happy? Was dad particularly hands on before and are you worried that MIL will try things with DD that yours not happy with, eg food, CC etc All things to consider.

And don't get guilted into things. PIL are perfectly capable of coming to your home and slating you, so why can't they come to you? Could you them that you're taking LO to the library for rhymetime so if they want, they can join you there and possiblly sing and read to DD. Just happen to have your mum of someone with you mind

auntpetunia Mon 18-Mar-13 05:21:13

Don't go! Why would you just because he says you should? When you get up contact a friend and arrange to go out, to hers,to a play place or a shopping center. You don't have to do what he tells you to do.You are his wife and equal not a child.

IsItMeBU Mon 18-Mar-13 06:59:44

Your all right I'm not going to go. I was trying to think of it from a different POV that if my mum did t see my DD then I know it would upset her a lot so maybe I should make the effort with them but you are all right, why should I make the effort?

I know mil will do things I don't want her too. She thinks I should leave DD to cry whenever she's upset, I should have weaned at 3m, I should buy the nappies she wants me to use and start FF so she can give a bottle. Some of these things seem so petty but when they pile up it does effect you.

I'm going to make plans for the day

Skygirls Mon 18-Mar-13 07:05:30

MIL wants you to FF so she can have a go? That's pathetic! Get some breast feeding leaflets which extol the virtues over FF and give them to her to read!
Then you can say that you're following the guidelines of the WHO and plan to BF until dd is 2! wink

lottiegarbanzo Mon 18-Mar-13 07:08:39

Those things are not petty. The question is, why would try to impose 'her' (out of date) way, rather than listen, learn and help?

IsItMeBU Mon 18-Mar-13 07:18:00

When she says things like that its never just in a general conversation or just friendly advice it's more things like "you need to start bringing me bottles because I want to feed her too, don't you think you've bf for long enough now she's had your goodness but jive her over now, she had a bad night last night (sleep wise) because she needs actual food, yours isn't enough"

Then when I don't do what she tells me it's because she's told it me so that's why I'm refusing and then DD suffers.

She's raised her own kids and their healthy so she probably does have some great advice but its never given nicely and the advice she has given me isn't going to work in my life and I don't know why I would change something that's working fine for me

IsItMeBU Mon 18-Mar-13 07:21:43

Lottie if there's something she tells me that I could do or try and it's useful to me then of course I do. I'm just learning as I go along and there are a lot of people with a lot more knowledge then me but its always on things im happy and comfortable with a don't want to change

digerd Mon 18-Mar-13 07:28:23

I am probably the same era as your <horrible> MIL and we did wean at 3 months as made it so much easier for us and was common practice.
BUT, MIL has no right to criticise you doing it your way and is downright out of order and rude. She is thinking of herself, not you, as would make it easier for her to have your dd.
Keep BFing as long as you want, she is your child not hers. She should keep her opinions to herself out of respect for you - of which she has obviously none.

Sugarice Mon 18-Mar-13 07:39:59

MiL sounds like a nightmare, it's all about what she wants by the sounds!

Don't give in, carry on doing what you think is best for your daughter and tell MiL that next time she issues instructions.

Don't take dd round to them just because your h told you to either, you are in charge of your dd and keep telling yourself that.

PureedGoodness Mon 18-Mar-13 07:43:23

I feel so sorry for you in this situation and how you are feeling bullied. Sounds like your dp maybe getting grief from his dm which is where all this is coming from. Is he still very much attached to his mothers apron strings by any chance?

lottiegarbanzo Mon 18-Mar-13 07:46:28

I missed a 'she' out there, why would she...

Thing is, she was only following the advice current at her time. She has no special insight or wisdom. She needs to accept that advice has changed.

BegoniaBampot Mon 18-Mar-13 07:53:33

Yes, that all does sound a pit over earring, don't think I'd cope well with that. Fortunately my Mil is the least interfering person you can get and I would trust her to do things my way as much as she could. I think ai rarely left my child much at all at that age as was still BF though didn't have family about. I would have said leaving your baby with her for a few hours now and then sou ded reasonable but obviously you can't really trust her not to do things you wouldn't approve of.

BegoniaBampot Mon 18-Mar-13 07:54:31

Sorry - a bit over bearing.

Lueji Mon 18-Mar-13 07:55:55

The more you tell about your MIL the worst it gets.
It is possible that he has been ground down by your mil, but does it matter?
He has chosen to be a bully. Not even take a step back and let you defend yourself against her.
He chose to bully you too.

And him seeming normal, it's because he was at your mum's.

Do avoid being with him, or either of them on your own.

candyandyoga Mon 18-Mar-13 08:02:07

Aargh I despise women like your mil who give such shit 'advice'

You poor lady having to put up with her and having a 'boy' husband who would rather listens to her than you. sad I hope things get better but you need to not give in and stand your ground - dont let her say such stupid things to you.

toomanyfionas Mon 18-Mar-13 09:11:55

Oh my goodness, you poor love being assaulted with all this CRAP while you are trying to enjoy your precious little baby.

Your DH and his parents sound quite nuts actually. I saw a glimmer of hope when FIL turned up to apologise but only a glimmer.

Your DHs behaviour is appalling, the threats, intimidation, abandonment, drawn out sulk fest all adds up to someone quite unhinged and with gigantic ego problems.

I am really glad to see you have support from your own family and that you are not giving in to their attempts to manipulate you.

I think probably you need to spend quite some time away from the 3 of them to strengthen and work out a way forward for you and dd. it sounds as though their bullying tactics have been wearing you down for some time.

The mil's parenting advice is very unkind, quite wrong and also all about her and nothing to do with what's best for dd or you. For that alone I would be keeping a wide berth.

Your DHs attitude that his parents' rights to your dd override hers or your wellbeing is bizarre and very worrying.

I am sorry for all you're going through but it is difficult to imagine that the relationship is salvageable.

For now take it one day at a time, go with what's comfortable for you (not what you imagine you ought to do) and check in here when you need reassurance.

"Then when I don't do what she tells me it's because she's told it me so that's why I'm refusing and then DD suffers."
ANd that's when I'd probably tell her to fuck right off angry. But I am a bit sweary by reflex bolshy blush.

CecilyP Mon 18-Mar-13 10:16:44

I agree with others not to take her to see PIL today just because he has asked you; you have already made arrangements (even if you haven't). Also agree that when you next see them it should be at a neutral venue with your mum or sister also there. Don't feel that she has to see them so often; because they live close, they have seen far more of your DD than most GPs.

I know we have moved on a bit now, but I don't think you mentioned before that you were BF so I had assumed you were FF. The fact that you are BF makes their insistence that you take the job even worse. Did they expect you to give up BF so you could do the job, or to express, so your MIL could feed your milk from a bottle? This extra information makes all the advice you have been given thus far even more pertinent.

IsItMeBU Mon 18-Mar-13 10:28:23

Cecily they wanted me to express and whatever I couldn't then they could give formula instead

mumat39 Mon 18-Mar-13 10:31:55


Just to echo what others have said, these people sound awful.

I really feeli like the more time you have away from your H you will realise and remember more and more of this things they say and the way they have beentrying to wear you down. MIL sounds evil, but I think that's possibly true for a lot who think that no one will ever be good enough for their precious sons. fIL sounds like an idiot too. If you had just one of them on your side, I could see some ope for you and your DD. as it is, none of them are, and although I'm sure you will try and find good in them all, it seems that they don't have a decent bone in their bodies between them.

Your dP should be on your side. No matter what. Your married him and probably uttered the words to love, honour and obey each other, not him his bloody family.

He has and is letting you and your Dd down more than is acceptable.

He has walked out on a 5 month old and thinks it's okay to 'pop in' like a neighbour might to see his own Dd. he has been out for a night out whilst you've been left dealing with the accusations and feelings of guilt. He hasn't had the decency to apologise to you or your DD. he is acting beyond reproach in my very honest opinion.

I really do think you need to move out for a while. In a way, him leaving you at home 'stewing' and dealing with all the demands of such a young baby is also giving him power. I'm sure you don't want to have to leave, but I think that would be the most powerful message you could send. Don't tel him, or ask him. Just go. Your mum sounds lovely and she will help you. If you get some distance and see how someone who properly loves you helps you, you will see that your H has an agenda. His own and his family's. it doesn't matt whether he is trying to protect his future business, or whethe his Evil Parents are controlling him, he should be protest guy from all this crap.

Really, please give yourself the space and time to see everything that has gone on. I know with a young baby you're probably too busy to properly think about what's gone on before and is going on now.

Maybe a separation would be a good start, and make your H realise that enough is enough.

I was married for a long while and was unhappy for the whole time. I stayed because I thought I had to because I'd taken those vows. I also had massive issues with PiL. I was divorced about 13 years ago and even now, their words and ideas and ways affect me. The impact they had on me still has a hold and a has affected me in terms of my confidence. You sound much stronger than I was, but they will grind you down eventually and may even eventually poison your DD against you.

Every post you wrote just makes me think, enough. You've never had a good relationship really, as it's been all take from them and all giving from you.

I hope what I have said isn't upsetting or rude to you. I don't mean it to be. I've been following is thread from the beginning and am so so angry on your and your Dd's behalf that I just had to post. None of this is about the job it's about controlling you. I'm so sorry you're having o go through this and that you married such an arse and into such an evil family.

Look aft yourself and your DD. she is still very young and she needs you more than anyone else.xxx

mumat39 Mon 18-Mar-13 10:35:09

Protest guy???? Should read protecting you. blush

they wanted me to express who the hell do they think they are? This is just UNBELIEVABLE! angry

FFS, it is your baby, not theirs. How dare they try and tell you what to do, how to feed your baby, who to leave your baby with, where to work etc. They are acting as if they OWN you! They are treating you like a child, undermining you, and overstepping the mark of grandparenthood by a LONG way!

You need to stick to you guns, and put a stop to this sense of entitlement these people have over your child, before this all becomes accepted.


This. Is. Not. ON.


IsItMeBU Mon 18-Mar-13 11:15:47

Thank you mumat39 your post wasn't rude at all. Reading your post I know it probably would be best for me stay somewhere else for a while but I just don't wang to leave my house hmm DD settles so much better there and all her stuff is there but I see what you mean and maybe I should think a out it for a few days

Scarlett I don't want my DD growing up around all that and thinking its normal and I deffinatly don't want her little mind poisoned against me ever!

IsItMeBU Mon 18-Mar-13 11:16:47

How can I stop a sense of entitlement when it's already there?


Their behaviour towards you is NOT NORMAL.

By stating that she is your baby, you have carried her for nine months, and you gave birth to her, so you will decide what is best for her, not them.

Actually, you can't stop them feeling entitled, but you can say what you will and won't do with your own baby and your own life. You can say that you won't put up with being told what to do by them.

There is absolutely no need for your MIL to have the baby on her own, and in fact as she has said she would like to do things differently to you, THAT IS EVEN MORE REASON TO STOP HER. They have put you in the position of having to protect your baby from them.

It will be very difficult if your husband doesn't support you in this.

FrequentFlyerRandomDent Mon 18-Mar-13 11:27:32

You need to decide what your boundaries are and stick to them. Maybe post in relationships, there are people with experience there.

Do not hand your notice for work and look at options for childcare.

I second getting legal advice. Maybe I am getting paranoid after reading too many threads where H and PIL plot to keep DC and kick mum out. Please do speak to someone. At 5 months, it is easy to go in the day with DD along and get advice/information.

IsItMeBU Mon 18-Mar-13 11:27:39

He doesn't support me on this at all and at the minute is all about pleasing his mum.

When things have been said for me to do things this way or that way I've said we do it xxx way and its what works for us and try and move the conversation along abit. I don't know what else to say.

IsItMeBU Mon 18-Mar-13 11:28:57

Maybe I should frequent, I didn't ever think things would come to this, then again I didn't think it was possible for someone to change so much

Asheth Mon 18-Mar-13 11:37:51

Your MIL is a nightmare. Sounds like she's been allowed to have her own way for too long. I'm not saying that she shouldn't be allowed to see your DD, but I would be very reluctant to let her have sole charge of DD. Her behaviour is not normal.

Of course the really stupid thing is that if she was a nice normal Granny, who repspected your way of parenting, didn't cause trouble and just showed how much shd adored her DGC then in a few years time you'd probably be delighted to have her babysit! If she misses out on this it's her own fault.

Just read the thread: you poor girl! This family sound completely horrible. Unfortunately, they were always bullies but before you had DD it was easier to gloss over it and go along with what they wanted. It's unfortunately very common for abusive people's true colours to show up when the first baby arrives, because all of a sudden the woman who has been obedient and submissive for the sake of peace and harmony has another priority - her baby's wellbeing - and starts to assert herself. Your H's family are operating from the viewpoint that you are the junior servant in the family business and need to Know Your Place, and now you have produced a grandchild, it's even more important that they make you submit to them. In fact, it's vital that you disengage and protect yourself and your DD as they will just get worse and worse - and screw her up as well.
I agree with the posters who have suggested you get some legal advice: information is power and once you know what your position is, you can decide what to do next. Best of luck.

IneedAsockamnesty Mon 18-Mar-13 13:02:00

You stop it by making it clear it will not be happening.

Every time she offers her outdated advice you tell her that its out dated and no longer recamended.

Every time she makes a comment about switching to formula reply with a scathing comment about her being a lazy parent who couldn't be bothered to put the effort in,and you not wanting to make the mistake of putting her needs above your child like she did,(you don't have to believe this or even think anything negative about ff, but its a good way of bouncing back the put down after she does it to you)

When she goes on about leaving dd with her in your absence just tell her that you don't leaving your child with unsuitable people like those who think its ok to use cc.

That will stop it quite quickly.

Another way of handling outrageous advice is to treat it as outrageous.

"God no, why on earth would I do that?!?"

or as sock said

"Oh my goodness, I'd never leave DD with someone who fed her formula/left her to cry/whatever stupid thing she says"

fuzzpig Mon 18-Mar-13 15:22:05

God, don't leave DD alone with her, ever sad

Sounds like if you even left her with H he would run off to mil too

IneedAsockamnesty Mon 18-Mar-13 15:31:45

Laughing every time then covering your mouth and saying "oh sorry I thought you were joking" also works a treat.

That's what I've done every time my mother says stupid things like 3 month old babies can have cows milk instead of human milk or formula. Or you have to provide hard shoes for tinys before they can walk to get them used to them.

Oh I also should mention just incase someone reads my previous comment and thinks I'm saying something mean about ff,I'm not,I have no personal feelings either way as to how anybody chooses to feed there baby. I would never normally advocate trying to make anybody feel bad about anything like that. But the op is dealing with someone who obviously does not have the same good manners and who is trying to pressure her into stopping bf.

mumat39 Mon 18-Mar-13 18:33:23

I can imagine that this MIL doesn't actually hear anything OP says. I can imagine her just completely only hearing what she wants to hear.

The whole situation is a very sorry one.

OP, I know you and your H are from the same culture, but are you from a non western/English one?

I'm asking as it sounds like some cultures where the MIL is the matriarch and can be a real drama queen if she doesn't get her own way.

IsItMeBU Mon 18-Mar-13 20:36:11

Mumat39 were both English

I didn't go to see PIL today and nothing has been said as of yet so I ended up having quite a nice day with DD and made the most of having no rain.

I wish I had some of the guts that you ladies have. I always use to be very outspoken but I know if I start something now ill end up losing. I can't cope with this forever but their always going to be in my life

MagicHouse Mon 18-Mar-13 20:45:52

You will never end up losing. You sound like a lovely mum with your daughter's best interests at heart, and as she grows up she will realise this more and more. Whatever happens you will always be her mum. Bullies often back down if you calmly stand your ground. Your h is behaving appallingly by staying away. I would call his bluff and seek solicitor's advice about the situation/ contact etc should you split (even if you don't think it will come to that). Point out the fact that he has left you both and not told you where he has gone. Most will give you a free half hour of advice, you just need to book it.

IsItMeBU Mon 18-Mar-13 20:58:50

Thank you magic. All I ever wanted was a quite easy life. I want to be the best mum I can be for DD and I want everything sorted so she doesn't grow up in any kind of hostile environments with people arguing and not getting along

BegoniaBampot Mon 18-Mar-13 21:11:48

Isitme- take what people say here with a pinch of salt, they are not having to deal with your situation and the outcome. People here love a bit of drama. You have to forge some kind of relationship with these people and hopefully sort it out, if that is what you want. No pointing pouring oil onto the fire, you can still be dignified and strong though.

candyandyoga Mon 18-Mar-13 21:22:51

Why with a pinch of salt? The MIL is deranged! Op - please take this seriously - do NOT leave your dd alone with this stupid woman and I really think you need to consider of you want to be with this man. Think of your dd x

pointythings Mon 18-Mar-13 21:38:44

IsMe you need to stand your ground. I'm sorry to say it may cost you your marriage, but you owe it to your DD to raise her to be what you are - strong, independent, able to resist emotional blackmail and abuse.

And you deserve so much better than your 'D'H - there are a lot of good men out there.

myroomisatip Mon 18-Mar-13 21:49:30

BegoniaBampot I am offended by your post.

I was in OP shoes many years ago. I did not have the benefit of MN nor the support of friends and family as I had moved many miles away from them.

No way should she take comments from MN's with a pinch of salt. Do you not realise that many of us have been though similar circumstances and speak from (bitter) experience?

I do not 'love a bit of drama'! I love a quiet and peaceful life!

And if it were not for MN I would not have found the courage and strength to forge ahead and make my life just like that. I do not think it is appropriate that you try to minimalise the support being offered here, although I accept you can offer your opinion sad

OrbisNonSufficit Mon 18-Mar-13 22:32:31

OP I've read this whole thread and honestly I just want to give you a big hug - what awful ILs...

You've mentioned a bit that you wish you could be as assertive as the lot on this thread (a challenge smile - have a read of this it might help understand the dynamic? Everyone can learn all of the conflict styles, nothing is inbuilt. It does sound a bit psychobabble I know but we use it at work and it's really useful (esp when you had previously suspected the person you're clashing with may actually be an alien)...

FrequentFlyerRandomDent Tue 19-Mar-13 10:40:49

Do speak with people in RL. I can see also where begonia comes from. We are strangers and even though we mean well, talk is easy, action is less so.

I know what worries me are the seeming red flag: moving the goal posts in previously agreed arrangements, referring to his money and threatening to withhold access to money if you do not comply, pressure from the whole family to make you do sth you do not wish to do.

I am glad this has come up before you handed in your notice.

Re boundaries : Think about what you see working and by what age, e.g. DD one morning now and then when she is one year of age at your mum, one morning at your PIL, 3days at nursery, etc or whatever you feel comfortable with. Kids do grow and they are more fun and rewarding for GPs.

I must confess that in my family, the GPs did not want to be left with a small baby, as they perceived them as too fragile, needing mummy only, etc. The GPs are much more active now that my DCs are older (i.e. potty trained).

I do hope you have a better week.

Madeleine10 Tue 19-Mar-13 15:17:33

I always use to be very outspoken but I know if I start something now ill end up losing. I can't cope with this forever but their always going to be in my life

No, not true Isit.

You are looking at this completely the wrong way round - if you go along with this utter ridiculousness from MIL, particularly re your little one, you (and DD) will be the losers- that's for sure.

If you find it hard to stand up to your husband and his family already, then caving for a "quiet life" will make it harder and hader.

If you start actually accepting and believing what everyone is saying - YOUR daughter, YOUR rules, YOUR decisions - you and she will be winners, not losers. It's called respecting yourself, and demanding respect from others.

They all do this to you because they can. When they start to learn it''s not working anymore and never will, then they will (eventually ) have no choice but to give up.

But you have to honestly believe these things to be true, if you are only paying lip service to the idea that you are in charge of your own child and it isn't coming from your heart, they will pick up on that and push, push, push.

They are really doing a number on you, OP , now is the time to fight back, even though you clearly find it difficult, understandably- but I promise it will get harder and harder if you don't start now, and the fall out will be worse..

candyandyoga Tue 19-Mar-13 18:22:00

Well said muroomisatip begonia's post IS offensive - and downright stupid ridiculous.

IsItMeBU Tue 19-Mar-13 18:25:33

Madeleine I am in charge of mine and DDs life and the reason why all this is kicking off is because since DD arrived I've done things my way and not someone else's. I'm grateful for advice and listening to what works for other people but ill do what works for us and I think that's alot of the problem, I'm not bringing DD up the way my DH was. Ill make many mistakes but I want to learn from my own and not live my life the way I want too and not how I'm told too.

DH wants to me to meet him tomorrow and said mil can look after DD. I've said if I go my mum will. This caused more arguments

BegoniaBampot Tue 19-Mar-13 18:37:42

really? I tend to take everything on here with a pinch of salt. the op or anyone posting could be a hairy handed trucker for all i know. each to their own. the op needs to speak to folk she trusts in real life who know her circumstances and the people involved rather than take everythjng a bunch of strangers on the net tell her, especially those who get all excited about yelling LTB as they then turn over to corrie or EE.

IsItMeBU Tue 19-Mar-13 18:46:33

I think it's easier to speak to people on here and get advice and information from people who have been in a similar situation or who just offer support. For me personally I don't like talking to too many people on RL because I prefer my private life to remain private and that's why for me MN has been a huge support because I can be open and vent. People can choose what information to take or ignore.

Skygirls Tue 19-Mar-13 19:46:37

Well said * IsIt*
Hope you stick to your guns. I would let my mum take dd instead of mil if I were in your position.

Good luck.

IneedAsockamnesty Tue 19-Mar-13 20:14:40

Do you mind me asking how the argument went when you said your mum would not mil.

Weird question I know but I'm really struggling to understand how a bloke who wants ( apparently) to win you back goes from "I would prefer my mum to" to arguing. Its hardly the actions of a chap whose trying not to be a bully or to reassure you he's going to stop with the pressure,is it.

IsItMeBU Tue 19-Mar-13 20:35:05

He said he wants his mum too because she hasn't seen her for almost a week and wants to spend time with her and I replied that my mum is staying with me (she's not) so shell already be here and I don't want to be driving around back and forward, he then said if my mum is staying with me then she's seen DD enough so mil should have her so I just replied well its up to you if you wanna meet or not. He never bothered replying but I got a text not long ago asking if he can come and spend time with DD so I lied and said she's already down for he night blush I felt bad lying but I just don't want him to come around.

IneedAsockamnesty Tue 19-Mar-13 21:04:55

That's fair enough at the end of the day you are currently living apart and both of you need to respect each others personal space and time as well as arrangements.

You don't get to demand he come over and do xyz equally as such he does not get to do the same to you.

He gets to decide if be wants to take dd to visit his mother on the times he has dd you get to decide when you have her.

BeckAndCall Tue 19-Mar-13 21:12:02

Sorry IsIt but he's just not getting it at all - he's still trying to broker time for his mum to see your DDlike she's available for hire. She is not - it's about what's best for her which at the moment is anything that suits YOU.

How can he not see that these interventions on behalf of his mother are ruining any chance he has of a future family life? Can you just ask him to not mention his parents for say, a week, and think about just the three of you and where you go from here? His parents are not part of your solution but they sure as hell are a huge part of the problem.

IneedAsockamnesty Tue 19-Mar-13 21:14:21

Just incase you didn't realise I ment it was fair enough that you said no and said he couldn't come round.

Lueji Tue 19-Mar-13 21:20:10

Personally, I'd meet in neutral ground, where you can leave when you want.
He's not happy to have your mum there because they want to continue to bully you.

Is it, you are doing such a great job smile

MIL will not die if she doesn't see DD for a week, or two or even four.

We live on another continent from the GPs and have done since my eldest was 2 1/2. He is now 16 and has a great relationship with his grandparents.

IsItMeBU Tue 19-Mar-13 21:54:09

I would let him come to my mums or sisters whenever he wanted too. I don't want to stop him seeing DD but our time apart isn't going to work if he comes home for a few hours whenever he wants.

IsItMeBU Tue 19-Mar-13 21:55:36

Beck - I might suggest that, I think our problems are so far gone I'm not sure if we can come. Back from this

Xales Tue 19-Mar-13 21:56:59

It may not feel like it but you are doing great especially as this must be really upsetting for you.

He just doesn't get it does he sad

"DH wants to me to meet him tomorrow and said mil can look after DD."
"He said he wants his mum too because she hasn't seen her for almost a week and wants to spend time with her"
Still all about her, isn't it? sad

IsItMeBU Tue 19-Mar-13 22:02:39

I thought maybe the time we've spent apart would have gotten a bit easier by now but I still feel confused

IsItMeBU Tue 19-Mar-13 22:03:36

Where - I'm not sure he even wants to meet me to see me, I think it's more about DD

I think you could be right, IsIt sad. He really is in thrall to his parents.

Cuddlydragon Tue 19-Mar-13 23:03:27

Bloody hell, why would he even think it's appropriate to ask if MIL can look after DD when trying to meet you? I think you could be right that he wants to see you to give her an excuse to look after DD, but, I really hope that's just being cynical. I'm really sorry you're having to deal with this. My own DC isn't much older than yours, and I just want to kick your H in the nuts for spoiling this time for you both.

IsItMeBU Wed 20-Mar-13 02:18:24

Thank you cuddly. <<happily accepts kick to the nuts>>

auntpetunia Wed 20-Mar-13 08:28:35

It's still all about MIL getting her hands on your DD! I agree he doesn't really want a. Meeting he just wants an excuse for MIL to play mummy with your baby!

diddl Wed 20-Mar-13 09:12:47

Just gobsmacked!

I would have thought he would be jumping at the chance to spend time with his daughter & trying to work things out with you!

Can't believe that he hasn't seen his daughter for a while-and wants to palm her off to someone else!!

StanleyLambchop Wed 20-Mar-13 10:59:15

I thought that too Diddl, He hasn't seen his daughter either but he is still only worried about his DM and her contact. She really has him under the thumb, doesn't she? Can you imagine that conversation? ' I know your marriage is on the rocks son but you MUST get me access to my granddaughter, no matter what! ' shock

How awful that your H and his M are treating your lovely new baby as some sort of commodity.

You sound strong op, and sticking to your guns, very well done! Must be so difficult. They are behaving like the Sopranos, or the Ewings in Dallas!

The real work is in getting him to understand all this. Your DD is an actual person not some kind of prize your H can give to his M so his mummy isn't cross with him to make up for whatever is lacking in their relationship.

He needs to understand that he cannot go against your wishes with your baby in order to fulfil his mother's ridiculous expectations. Because once you and he are on the same side, then your MIL will have to back off.

He needs to show some respect towards the mother of his child. And that is you, not his mother.

I think a couple of sessions with a counsellor could help get this straight. A husband should not be putting the demands of his mother before his wife!

Very best of luck with all this op, I am so glad that you have started as you mean to go on.

IsItMeBU Wed 20-Mar-13 21:06:39

Thank you everyone.

I'm just done now, today a relative got took into hospital quite ill so I left my DD with my best friend while I went, foolishly I answered he phone to H on the way and told him. His first Q where is DD, then why is she with xxxx my mum would love have her you should have took her straight there angry

Are you fucking kidding me! I needed to get there ASAP and all you care about is your bloody mother who lives a good 20moles away from where I was and you expect me to do that trip

Snazzynewyear Wed 20-Mar-13 21:45:36

I hope you've sent him that last bit of your post, because he needs to hear it. Tell him your daughter is your top priority - not dragging her from pillar to post to please someone else - and it's a pity she is clearly not his priority.

IsItMeBU Wed 20-Mar-13 21:47:17

I haven't spoken to him since I told him there was no way I was running round to make his DM happy and my friend is perfectly capable of caring for DD and he is a fucking joke hmm not my finest moment

toomanyfionas Wed 20-Mar-13 21:50:03

Sorry to hear about your relative and of course you made the right call in the circumstances.

It's a shame the phonecall with DH happened during the crisis as these things are tricky enough to handle.

Might it work to text him only? That way you have time to consider your responses. If you had been able to text him that it was an emergency and there was no time to be driving 20miles or waiting for the MIL to arrive, at least then he has a clear, emotion-free explanation.

I think it is right that he sees his DD but clearly this has to happen when and where is appropriate, and in agreement with you both. Expecting you to run round after him and his family is ludicrous. Clearly he is unable to grasp this so I wonder if texting, which gives you time to consider your his requests and your responses, might help here.

toomanyfionas Wed 20-Mar-13 21:52:11

Ah just saw your last post.

Feelings are running high. Again texts may help here. Be careful what you say as these can be used in family court. Equally if he makes threats etc to you in texts, ensure you keep them.

IsItMeBU Wed 20-Mar-13 21:54:44

Toomany, I want him to see DD and will do everything I can to help encourage it. I don't particularly want him to come to the house at the minute, it's all still to raw and it would hurt me to much to see him playing happy families then leave, that might be selfish but I need to do this for me at the minute. I don't know why I answered the phone to him, I haven't been for the last few days but from now on it will all be in a text.

He's going to want to take DD to mil soon, how do I handle that?

toomanyfionas Wed 20-Mar-13 21:57:57

I know you do, you are quite clearly a lovely mum and would do anything to give her the family time and connections that benefit her.

About him taking dd to MIL, hmm, I think you need a time frame and back up. What is it you are afraid of? That he won't bring her back? Because if that feels like a real concern then I think you need legal advice.

Sorry OP I really feel for you. You deserve way better than this.

IsItMeBU Wed 20-Mar-13 22:01:43

I do think he'll bring her back but when he's ready and not when we agree. I think if I send 1 bottle he'll decide its time to move her on to formula. Mil loves it when babies cry and just sits there listening to her while she sobs her little heart out and tells me not to pick her up because she likes the sound ect... She'll prolly start giving her food because she thinks it should have been done 2m ago and we often have this debate and if I'm not there to stop it she
L carry on and do it hmm

I sound like a control freak don't I

notmyproblem Wed 20-Mar-13 22:09:30

IsIt no you don't sound like a control freak at all! Weaning a baby early, letting her cry, keeping her from her mum for hours on end, etc. are all things that are legitimate concerns and your H and MIL have given you reason to worry about.

I think you do need legal advice ASAP though, if only to give you the knowledge and confidence to do what you need to in order to protect your DD.

auntpetunia Wed 20-Mar-13 22:10:55

no you don't sound like a control freak, you sound like a mum who knows what is best for her DD and doesn't want a deranged MIL doing what was the done thing in the 60's or 70's and as for liking the sound of babies crying... WTF is that about.

Maybe she can have contact supervised by one of your friends or relatives who know what the rules are re Formula and food.

IsItMeBU Wed 20-Mar-13 22:12:28

I think I will do.

I was so sure we would be a great little family but its all gone so wrong

toomanyfionas Wed 20-Mar-13 22:12:58

No you do not sound like a control freak at all.

This is very tricky. I think that if you cannot trust your MIL to look after your baby as you deem appropriate (and clearly you can't) then she cannot look after her. She can see her, possibly visit you & baby when your mum is there for back up? But no, not on her own.

You do need legal advice.

IsItMeBU Wed 20-Mar-13 22:14:03

There's no way it would be possible to have a family member. R friend there and it's no use having a good talk with H and agreeing because he is so easily manipulated its untrue

IsItMeBU Wed 20-Mar-13 22:16:05

She doesn't like to visit us and the second Hhas her he'll go running straight there with her

OxfordBags Wed 20-Mar-13 22:18:59

The fact that she loves hearing babies cry sends shivers down my spine. What kind of freak could sit there enjoying hearing a tiny wee thing so upset?! sad Sadly, it just just highlights what a bloody narcissist she is; how, for her, people merely exist to please her and give her what she wants and to give her the feelings she enjoys. And WTF about weaning her? The woman is deranged.

The fact that he might start putting her onto formula is so shocking. It also shows that he sees people as objects to fulfill his needs: how could he not see how cruel and upsetting that would be for a BF baby?! And keeping her away from her mummy for longer she can cope with, just to make his bloody mother happy and to punish you - awful, awful man. I know he's not done any of these yet, but the fact that you can confidently predict them is very sad. If he did them, it'd be abusive to you and DD alike.

You don't sound like a control freak at all. You sound like a very level-headed, dedicated, loving mum, who has her priorities straight (ie her DD's welfare). Yur Dh and his parents, esp. MIL, sound like massive control freaks.

You are allowed to say no to him taking DD to see MIL. She has zero legal rights to access to her. Tell him that he and her have behaved so outrageously and with sych selfishness and disregard for DD's proper needs and rights, that you believe you would be failing DD to allow that woman to see her without you there (or at all).

Be strong, you are doing the right thing for both of you. Is fab to see a woman who has been abused take such early decisive action.

toomanyfionas Wed 20-Mar-13 22:19:22

I was so sure we would be a great little family but its all gone so wrong

I think you need some RL advice/counselling as you are probably in shock and feeling overwhelmed by what is going on.

I know this may sound crazy but would you consider family therapy for all of you? Because it does seem very sad for it all to go so badly wrong so soon. Obviously they are a very controlling family but with a mediator there possibly you could come to an agreement. If the mediator can appeal to any goodness they do have, perhaps they will be able to see the benefit of getting along with you.

What happens at this early stage can have far-reaching effects for all of you and I would really encourage you to get legal and other professional help to keep things as amicable as possible. I do not mean that you bow to their wishes. they are appalling. But if you are well supported they may begin to understand they need to back off.

toomanyfionas Wed 20-Mar-13 22:20:35

Oh thank goodness OxfordBags is here. She is great at this sort of thing.

OxfordBags Wed 20-Mar-13 22:21:53

Fionas, counselling/therapy is not advised in cases of abuse and coercive maltreatment, which this clearly is. The OH is also so obviously stuck in his pathological need to please his mother at all costs that it means that he needs loads of therapy for himself before family therapy could even attempt to work.

OxfordBags Wed 20-Mar-13 22:22:41

Oh dear, I sound like I'm telling you off, Fionas, after you complimented me. I wasn't, I was just stating some facts (and thank you!).

EverybodysSootyEyed Wed 20-Mar-13 22:27:18

Tbf your dd is unlikely to take the formula or the solids particularly well - particularly from someone that isn't you. They will be on a hiding to nothing.

But she enjoys hearing a baby cry - wtf is that about? She sounds unhinged. Does she watch Films with torture and think they're a comedy?

I think it is unreasonable to withhold contact from your h but given the circumstances around his mum I think you are entirely reasonable to insist contact is at the house with you in the building and your mum or friend.

I also think you need legal advice.

IsItMeBU Wed 20-Mar-13 22:28:47

I can not get the crying thing either, when she's upset I do what I can to comfort her and get told to not let her become dependant on me and let her cry. When DD was young I went to the loo and come back to DD screaming her head off and MIL sitting watching her happy as lorry and SIL running round trying to find her camera to record it!

I have thought about going to therapy with H but there's no way I'd go wil IL whenever I'm there I always feel as of I'm in the wrong and come away believing I'm the bad one and then when I sit and think about it it starts to click that actually I don't think I am.

I will get legal advice it's just going to be hard at the minute with so much going on with my ill relative. I know H will be pester the hell out of me too for MIL to watch DD so I can go to visit

IsItMeBU Wed 20-Mar-13 22:30:47

Everybody I don't want to stop h seeing DD and up until now I have done everything I can the fact is that if he can't take her to MIL he's not that interested in having her

IsItMeBU Wed 20-Mar-13 22:31:52

Also I don't want anyone trying to give her formula or solids and its not a decision that anyone else should make but me and H and seems as he's not here or caring for her I think that is down to me and I'm not happy to do that until 6m

EverybodysSootyEyed Wed 20-Mar-13 22:32:55

I'm sorry about your relative - I hope things start to look up soon

I think you are going to have to spell it out to h that you will not be allowing mil to babysit because she does not seem capable of looking after a baby and you do not trust that your dd's needs will be met. Then if he asks just give a no.

toomanyfionas Wed 20-Mar-13 22:35:18

OxfordBags Oh dear, I sound like I'm telling you off, Fionas, after you complimented me. I wasn't, I was just stating some facts (and thank you!).

That's okay. I knew someone would! I know family therapy is much frowned upon.

And OP if you are uncomfortable with it then absolutely do not. Sorry!

IsItMeBU Wed 20-Mar-13 22:38:17

Don't worry toomuch smile

EverybodysSootyEyed Wed 20-Mar-13 22:38:33

And I agree about solids and formula - I just wanted to reassur enough that offering it is unlikely to lead to her taking it. My dd spat out her first mouthful of formula and refused the bottle for a few days afterwards!

Your dd is growing fast and before you know it she will be asserting herself much more forcefully. The window of being able to leave her to cry is fast diminishing.

You are a strong woman and you just need to keep doing what you are doing - ultimately your dd comes first and you seem to e the only one putting her there.

I wonder if there are any organisations you could speak to about your mil behaviour and how you can protect your dd from that going forward

lottiegarbanzo Wed 20-Mar-13 22:38:59

What you said about listening to babies cry is so horrible, that alone is reason never to allow dd to be alone with her, or with her and people in her thrall.

Crying is tell you something is wrong so you do something about it, that's what it's for. No-one who fails to respond by checking all sources of distress and offering comfort should be looking after a baby. (Totally different thing from people who know the baby and its routine deciding how to deal with persistent crying and comforting at night). The idea of leaving a young crying baby distressed is horrible. Please don't ever leave your dd with her, or your DH and her, or presumably your FIL, DH an her. Not until dd can talk and assert herself.

lottiegarbanzo Wed 20-Mar-13 22:41:44

If MIL really wants to see dd she will come to you and from what you've said, that should be her only opportunity to see her.

IsItMeBU Wed 20-Mar-13 22:44:13

Lot tie I completely agree she's crying for a reason so I pick her up.

IsItMeBU Wed 20-Mar-13 22:45:22

I don't feel like a strong women. I feel tired.

IneedAsockamnesty Wed 20-Mar-13 22:46:08

I second the being straight about mil being incapable of following current health advice so not having her.but get proper formal legal advice before you txt him anything

EverybodysSootyEyed Wed 20-Mar-13 22:55:09

Well you are - don't doubt yourself.

I hope you manage to get a good nights sleep

dothraki Wed 20-Mar-13 23:25:14

IsIt of course you feel tired - but you are being incredibly strong. You are putting your dd first. Your H is putting his M first and showing no concern about you or his dd. He knows he has put you in a shit position, and his reaction to that - lets sit down and talk till we can figure it all out - NO - he fucked of to god knows where - and fucked off to the pub with his mate - leaving you and dd to cope alone,whilst still threatening you (cutting of money,etc). On top of this you have a relative in hospital. My heart goes out to you. Your dd is young enough for this to not impact on her. I am a gm and I would never do anything with my gc's that I thought their parents would not be 100% happy with.
Your PILs are only concerned about lack of access to their gd.
I hope you are getting lots of rl support. Please get legal advice too. Also maybe you should see about going back to work, maybe part time. If you do please get proper childcare - which does not include your pils {{{hugs}}}

BeckAndCall Thu 21-Mar-13 06:42:45

I hate to say this, isit but I think the only way you can trust your DH to see DD is with you there - you can't have him take her over to MILs right now.

Can you and DD maybe meet him in a park or a coffee shop - you could give them space but sit and keep an eye on them? But I wouldn't put it past MIL to turn up there if she thinks you'll be out of eye sight.

Cuddlydragon Thu 21-Mar-13 14:04:13

What kind of freak enjoys listening to a baby cry never mind your own grandchild. I think you should speak to your HV about weaning, formula etc. maybe ask for leaflets for your nut case Mil. It's at least documented that she's a loon which might come in helpful wink

Hmm - my mum - who had 7 of her own kids likes to hear a baby cry......she says it reassures her that their lungs are healthy. She is not a loon otherwise and wouldn't leave them to cry incessantly, but she doesn't worry about it - she says, especially when they are ill, that you worry more when they don't cry - I can sort of see what she is getting at - maybe it's a generational thing.

Enjoys the sound of a baby crying? That made me feel a bit ill, so god knows how it makes you feel OP.

candyandyoga Fri 22-Mar-13 23:06:28

How are you op? X

mumat39 Fri 22-Mar-13 23:52:50

Hi OP.

Re what was said upthread, I wasn't trying to suggest that you LTB at all. I was just trying to say that you need to surround yourself with people who know how to look after you and can support you and your baby. I can't believe that your evil mil likes listening to babies cry.

I was just checking back and hoping to find that your H had seen the error of his ways. You are a good mum and really do sound lovely and not at all controlling.

I hope things get better for you soon. Xxx

mumat39 Sat 23-Mar-13 00:00:01

I meant to say surround yourself with people as it's hard work looking after a young baby by yourself and it's not surprising that you're tired. I can really understand that you don't want to leave your home so is there anyone who could come and stay with you for a while? Xxx

ZebraOwl Sat 23-Mar-13 07:24:36

Oh, IsItMe, lovely, have just read this & am so sad for you. And have all the stabbittyRAGE at your H & his parents for their abusive-controlling behaviour towards you. angry

You have had lots of excellent advice & so I just want to echo the fact that you are doing brilliantly by standing up for yourself & protecting your DD & that it would be as well to seek RL advice & support to help you to continue doing so to the highest degree possible.

I'd not let your MiL have the care of a wheelbarrow, never mind a 5 month-old baby. Please don't let her have access to you DD when you're not there & make sure you're always able to remove both yourself & DD from MiL's toxicity immediately you feel the need to do so.

Two parents are not always better than one so while I hear what you are saying about not wanting to "cheat DD" of the family structure you'd been planning for her to have, it is NOT that you are taking away from her. It is the appalling behaviour of her father & paternal grandparents that has robbed her of that kind of family life. You, in contrast, are giving her the best possible start by advocating for her needs & your own rather than bringing her up in a household controlled by an abusive controlling bully. Sadly your H's true colours are not at all what you thought, so try to remember when you are missing him that it is not really him you are missing, it is the Idea of him, which has turned out to be a fiction.

Please take good care of yourself. You are doing an incredible job & should be proud of yourself for sticking to your guns & putting the needs of your DD & yourself before the completely unreasonable demands of your H & his parents. flowers

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