To not try harder to cope on my own?

(75 Posts)
IcouldstillbeJoseph Mon 11-Mar-13 13:13:12

I have DS (2.1) and DD (5 wks). Last time I has very severe PND but, touch wood, this time I feel remarkably well. Anyway, my DM lives 3 miles from me and has pretty much been round everyday that DH has been at work. Obviously she is concerned for my mental health.
DD is v unsettled and won't really sleep/be quiet unless held (not even v content in sling), so my mum has pretty much just held her while I do basic things. Anyway, DH commented at weekend that I'm becoming 'dependent' on her and should be 'coping' more on my own. I don't think he was deliberately being an arsehole but it's got me thinking! I am just doing what I can to survive just now but wondering if I ought to be trying harder on my own?
I had sort of set myself the time frame of 12 weeks before I try and establish any sort of routine. I'm ebf fwiw.

Bloody hell... For the first couple of months after having DS I was doing whatever it took to get me through each day. If I'd had someone that was willing to come over each day to give me some help I'd have grasped that help with both hands.

I think your timeframe of 12 weeks is perfectly sensible. Take it at your own pace. If the help is there you'd be a fool to turn it away.

MisselthwaiteManor Mon 11-Mar-13 13:25:05

If your mum is happy to do it then why shouldn't she. No shame in needing or wanting a bit of help.

SmiteYouWithThunderbolts Mon 11-Mar-13 13:25:59

You are coping. You're fine! There is nothing wrong with taking up an offer of help from your mum. I firmly believe that families thrive when everyone pitches in and helps out a bit rather than just one (or both) parent(s) trying to juggle everything by themselves.

My mum moved in with me for a fortnight after ds2 was born and then popped round almost every day for a few weeks after that to lend a hand where needed.

Take it at your own pace. If the help is there you'd be a fool to turn it away. - I agree with this 100%

Bananapickle Mon 11-Mar-13 13:27:08

I'd take the help if I was in your situation. I would just keep checking with my Mum that she really was happy with helping. There is no shame in having help btw!

IcouldstillbeJoseph Mon 11-Mar-13 13:30:45

I know for sure that my mum is in her element helping out - she would do even more if I let her.

coppertop Mon 11-Mar-13 13:35:27

You gave birth 5 weeks ago, you have a history of PND, you're getting EBF established, and you also have a toddler. If those things don't warrant any help, then what does??

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Mon 11-Mar-13 19:25:28

I think it's great your mum is happy to help and not everyone has that kind of help available so make the most of it. Does your DH feel somehow redundant? This is about you getting back on your feet, not some kind of contest. Take care.

coughingbean Mon 11-Mar-13 19:30:42

Not much else too add except- listen to all the other posters

ClippedPhoenix Mon 11-Mar-13 19:34:22

Has your DH offered to step in more then?

You should be coping more alone? really?

Goldrill Mon 11-Mar-13 19:36:04

I have a 27 month old and a 20 week old. I have so far spent two days on my own with the girls together. I felt I should do more, by my mum basically said: it will be really hard work - why do it if you don't have to? So I haven't!

Do tell your DP to bugger off!

woopsidaisy Mon 11-Mar-13 19:44:34

DH and I don't live anywhere near our parents. We had no support after DS2. We got a nanny.
If the help is there use it. Your DH is wrong.

IcouldstillbeJoseph Mon 11-Mar-13 19:49:15

I love mumsnet. Thank you.

INeedThatForkOff Mon 11-Mar-13 19:51:26

Goldrill, I am fucking envy

CatchTheFox Mon 11-Mar-13 19:54:35

goodness me, no. things will get easier with time, but in the meantime there is nothing wrong with doing whatever you need to do to get through each day.

even if you do feel dependant on your mum's help - even if you ARE dependant on her help - that's OK. I don't see why your husband would want you to do this alone when you have a willing helper.

Goldrill Mon 11-Mar-13 22:31:51

Sorry Ineed! Gift horses and mouthes and all that.

I should possibly clarify - the big one is in nursery two days a week and has always spent two days a week with granny - so while I'm on mat leave I just spend the two days with granny too (which is lovely cos I never get to spend time with my mum). And on a friday it is just me and the girls, but we always make sure we have a friend coming over or are going somewhere with someone. I'm crap at being on mat leave so this is all necessary to stop me losing the plot totally.

Actually: that probably doesn't help does it...

BeaWheesht Mon 11-Mar-13 22:33:49

Take all the help you can get, especially as your mum is happy to give it.

I live a long way from my family and am so envious of your situation - make the most of it, it's good for you and its good for the kids too IMHO.

rainrainandmorerain Mon 11-Mar-13 23:11:43

Why on earth would you be better off doing without willingly offered family help?? I think your dp is barking.

Lovely for your kids as well as you that you have a helpful mum close by. I bet that if you had no choice, you'd survive without help - but it would be daft to put yourself in that position for no good reason. And tbh, if you had pnd the first time round, you deserve a more enjoyable time through the baby months this time round.

Morloth Mon 11-Mar-13 23:18:54

Fuck no, take all the help you can get.

Is your DH offering to step in more to look after his kids?

My mum looked after me when I needed her. Now she is getting on and starting to have age related issues, I get to look after her.

Your DH would prefer you miserable and alone?

BegoniaBampot Mon 11-Mar-13 23:57:30

OP - how do YOU feel about it? Do you want the help or do you want to be more independent?

VestaCurry Tue 12-Mar-13 00:01:20

Agree with other posters, sounds like your Mum is being a brilliant help. Do what you feel is right for you. I think your dh is talking rubbish.

Take it and use it while you can, I am envious of your support but pleased that you have it! Tell your DH to sod off.

Take that help with both hands, I bet your mum is loving it, I know mine would if I lived closer. Our DCs are similar ages, my big one goes too nursery full time and tbh I am not great at mat leave either! Jobhunting atmsmile I love weekends when DJ is home and we are a family of four, but its hard to stop the older one taking the place while I b feed the baby, we have had crap cold weather, etc.

Why cope and be miserable when you are presently happy?! The family dynamic will adjust and you will be less tied to nursing, but at this early stage, gods, enjoy your baby while knowing your mum is enjoying it all too! smile

IneedAsockamnesty Tue 12-Mar-13 01:21:29

Many moons ago it used to be normal for entire families all living together or very near by all being very hands on with help when babies come along.

Whilst I personally would hate it I was in that situation,if your mum enjoys helping you are willing to accept the help and it is not encroaching on private time with dh on a regular basis then, use the help whilst its there just remember it won't always be.

I'm fairly keen on the idea that lack of good family support as families no longer live together contributes lots towards increased rates of pnd or just stress ( note I said good family support not toxic family support).

But I don't think your dh was being a bastard I think he probably just does not understand

aldiwhore Tue 12-Mar-13 01:32:19

I don't think YABU to be taking all the help you can get.

I don't think your DH was BU either, perhaps his angle stems from fear? Fear that if you don't 'learn to cope alone' you'll get poorly again?

I think you need to have a heart to heart, although you ARE depending on your mum, it's for support RIGHT NOW, in a situation you've never been in before (2 small children) with a history of PND, and you're trying to make life a little easier on yourself so that you CAN cope better in the long term.

Your mum sounds fab. Is she around a lot when your Dh is home? Maybe that is his real issue if so?

SomethingOnce Tue 12-Mar-13 01:38:46

Would your DH rather you 'tested' yourself, with the risk of PND?!

In other cultures it's normal for mothers with new babies to get lots of help from relatives; having lost that in our culture is probably why so many women are hit hard by PND.

As you say, he probably didn't mean to be unkind. Maybe, in a muddle-headed sort of way, he thought he was being helpful confused

Anyway, ignore and carry on as you were (and show him this thread if he mentions it again) - you sound like you're doing brilliantly.

BreastmilkDoesAFabLatte Tue 12-Mar-13 05:57:55

Give yourself a break and, more importantly, tell DP to as well. Much much much better to have your willing and supportive mum there and helping than to risk PND by trying to prove what is in any case unnecessary. Your DD is still so young..

3littlefrogs Tue 12-Mar-13 06:06:35

My neighbour has 3 children.

Her mum comes round every day while her DH is at work and helps with shopping, cooking and the children.

Her mum has done this for the last ten years.

I just think she is very lucky because she has been able to enjoy her children and have some leisure time too.

I wish I had had someone to help me with my children when I had mine 2 years apart and a husband working 120 hours a week. I was permanently stressed and exhausted, and I am sure this was the cause of my PND.

So - make the most of the help available. Your DH is being ridiculous.

ToTeachOrNotToTeach Tue 12-Mar-13 06:14:32

Wow. I'd have given anything to have had the kind of support some posters on here have! Its quite unusual though to have that level of support though isn't it? We're the other extreme and have none and yes I'm stressed!

I don't think its unreasonable to accept support at all. It sounds like you've got a time frame in mind for the more intense help too.

I guess there's a danger it could fall into you and your mum parenting and your husband being incidental to the whole thing so you just need to be aware I guess. Potentially it could erode self confidence if it goes on a long time to the extent you feel you can't cope on your own but it doesn't sound like that's the case from here.

I'm suffering from PND, it came on gradually, DS2 is now 6 months old. My mum is coming over from France to stay with us as I'm not able to cope. My advice is take whatever help you can get.

Morloth Tue 12-Mar-13 06:26:53

I am pretty sure I read somewhere that the very reason human women (and whales!) have menopause so early in our life cycle (most animals can reproduce throughout their lives) is because we are designed to care for our grandchildren.

LilRedWG Tue 12-Mar-13 06:33:31

How lovely your mum is. Enjoy every second you spend with her.

Silverstar2 Tue 12-Mar-13 07:50:52

Maybe your DH is feeling a bit left out? Is your mum there at the weekend/evening too? If so I can see why he might feel that way.

Help is great, but I would be working toward a couple of days a week without it, just to get used to the idea.

I was happy on my own, I would feel smothered with that level of help, but that's just me.

Enjoy your family!

MammaTJ Tue 12-Mar-13 08:03:23

How lovely that your mum is so willing to help you while you need her.

Maybe get her to come later and leave earlier if you feel ready to cut the help down a little. That way you will not be overwhelmed with little chunks of time on your own.

emmyloo2 Tue 12-Mar-13 08:09:24

Jesus Christ I would certainly not question getting help from your DM. I have a 2.4 year old and am due to have another baby at the end of May and I will be heavily reliant on my DM. Mainly because I have a very close relationship with her, she adores my son and she loves to help. Don't think you need to reject help just to "prove" you can cope. I take help wherever I can get it. I will also have my MIL and our nanny. Whatever helps me get through those first few months. I struggle with looking after babies and so I know I will need the help. There is no shame in that.

Grumpla Tue 12-Mar-13 14:24:56

Another one here saying do whatever you have to in order to get through the day.

I very much doubt you are spending it reclining on a silken couch whilst having grapes peeled for you.

If you sent your mum away on some random whim of your DH you would have to lower your standards and make some hard compromises. Ask him what he'd prefer you to cut down on first - the amount of time and attention your toddler gets, whether you and the children are clean, dressed and well fed every day, or your mental health.

My DH travels a lot for work and when I had a newborn and a toddler, the times when I had nobody else to help out, those really were the choices I had to make. Which is why we lived in PJs and ate toast a lot. The days I had help were the days when I wasted time on fripperies like a proper shower or hoovering! Trying to do everything to your usual standards, whilst adjusting to newborn & toddler mayhem is NOT easy and it is NOT worth risking your mental health to do it as some sort of weird experiment. Especially when your mum is happy to provide you the help that you need.

Grumpla Tue 12-Mar-13 14:28:01

Also meant to add - it will get easier! I now regularly do 4 non-nursery days on my own with my two (3.5 and 1) and it is FINE. Ok, I have an extra glass of wine those nights, but we are not feral toast-crumb covered monsters all of the time !

Silverstar2 Tue 12-Mar-13 14:53:38

I do think thought that it is what you get used to - beacuse I have no family nearby, once DH left for work at 6.20am that was me for the day til he got back at tea time. Now, I am not saying it was always easy, but you do just get on with it. I had a shower, we were all dressed, went out, etc, etc, and mine were 22 months apart.

try it! You are a great mum, and I bet you are capable - if you want to be. if not, accept the help, but personally I would like to do it on my own. i think you should talk to your dh to see what he thinks the problem is.

Good luck.

KellyElly Tue 12-Mar-13 15:32:47

I kind of see where he's coming from in that he wants to know you be able to cope on your own if you had to i.e. if your mum was sick/on holiday etc. Don't read too much into it and enjoy the help smile

IcouldstillbeJoseph Tue 12-Mar-13 15:48:43

Again, thank you all. My DM leaves before DH gets home so that's not the problem. I think he's actually worried that if something happened and my mum couldn't be there then I'd crumble and be poorly again.
I have done dinner/bath/bed on a couple of occasions on my own when DH was called into work - and it just meant one or both children cried more. I explained this to him and said, whilst it's not the end of the world to shed a few tears, if it's avoidable by nanny being there then I'm much happier with that.

Zipitydooda Tue 12-Mar-13 22:48:20

If something happened and she wasn't able to help you then you would cope because you'd have to.

BUT! Nothing has happened, you have a happy, willing helper, you should happily accept the help for as long as its offered.

Surely your DH can see that the help from your mum relieves this pressure on you, makes you happier with the children and this is self perpetuating.

Murphy0510 Wed 13-Mar-13 08:20:38

I find threads like this sickening. I didn't get a jot of help after three children from anyone. Nothing. Zilch. Oh yes, I did get one bit of so-called 'help' from my mum, when she told me to pull myself together when I had severe PND.

I'm sorry but I can't believe something like this has blown up into an issue between a couple.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Wed 13-Mar-13 09:16:04

You are still angry about lack of support Murphy why not start your own thread about it? I wouldn't have answered this OP's thread had I thought she was doing a stealth boast.

Murphy0510 Wed 13-Mar-13 09:29:52

I was just stating my opinion that I cannot believe something like this has built up into a big issue. I am also fed up with people that have armies of people giving them support making out they are the only people in the world to have suffered with PND. I guess it's because those of us that have to cope alone just get on with it, whilst those that have mummy and the rest of the family pandering around them think they have it worse than others.

CalamityJ Wed 13-Mar-13 09:33:54

WhatCoppertop said. If your DH has gone back to work he has no idea what it's like looking after a 5 week old & a toddler! Who is he to tell you you don't need the help? Would you tell him he needs one fewer member of staff at work?

To continue to avoid PND (and you're not out of the woods yet) take all

CalamityJ Wed 13-Mar-13 09:34:28

...the help you can get, was what I was going to say

WileyRoadRunner Wed 13-Mar-13 09:48:48

* I am also fed up with people that have armies of people giving them support making out they are the only people in the world to have suffered with PND. I guess it's because those of us that have to cope alone just get on with it, whilst those that have mummy and the rest of the family pandering around them think they have it worse than others.*

What a lovely opinion hmm.

If you genuinely had PND you should know how terrible it is and how any support that can be given should be given. Sorry you didn't have help. That should make you more aware of how any help,that can be offered should be accepted.

OP take the help you need for the moment and perhaps start reducing the time your DM spends helping you gradually. That way if you start to feel low you can ask her to increase it again. Good luck.

Jenny70 Wed 13-Mar-13 09:50:13

I read the title and I thought yes, you should try harder (snap judgy pants!).

But when I read you have a teeny tiny baby, and a toddler (the most irrational and demanding of creatures!), I thought, "hell no", and that's without the PND factor in there.

Your Mum is happy to help, it's early days, your body and mind are recovering from the birth and new family dynamics. You're not sleeping properly (which may take years, I know), and overall help is there, and you're accepting it... no problem.

If they are school/nursery aged and you can't manage to do your weekly routine without help, then perhaps you do need to simplify/toughen up. But your circumstance - nahh, your DH is being an arse.

Murphy, I think you have a bit of a chip on your shoulder. I don't think anyone on here has stated that they have PND worse than anyone else, or that you can't get it if you have no support.

According to my GP I have hit 'crisis point'. I realise that I am incredibly lucky that I have support (not pandering to me). Would you prefer that I went through this on my own & possibly ended up dead or sectioned? Competitive suffering helps nobody.

KellyElly Wed 13-Mar-13 10:09:58

* I am also fed up with people that have armies of people giving them support making out they are the only people in the world to have suffered with PND. I guess it's because those of us that have to cope alone just get on with it, whilst those that have mummy and the rest of the family pandering around them think they have it worse than others.* I had to cope with it alone and in an emotionally abusive relationship but it's not a competition is it. I still have empathy for the OP hmm

Murphy0510 Wed 13-Mar-13 10:10:04

I probably have got a chip on my shoulder. I have had PND twice, and got NO support at all. And yes Wiley, I did genuinely have it. My husband wouldn't lift a finger around the house to help and just berated me for being ill. My mother told me to pull myself together. Health professionals were useless. I'm probably not fully recovered even now, thanks to having NO help and support at all.

By contrast, someone I know who had armies of people to help her, and is very attention seeking anyway, decided she had PND at the same time as me, and just carried/carries on as if she's the only person ever in the entire universe to have it. And this was with her mum doing all the daytime childcare whilst her husband was at work, her husband doing it when he was at home, plenty of support from doctors, HVs and Surestart, loads of time to herself, a cleaner (paid for by mummy) doing all the housework. Then she has the cheek to turn round to others and say that her PND was worse. Believe me, it is FAR worse when you have to just manage on your own and no one gives a stuff about you. When you try to talk to your husband about how you feel and he shouts at you, and when you phone your mum in tears because you can't cope and she just slams the phone down on you. It is FAR worse.

KellyElly Wed 13-Mar-13 10:10:24

I am also fed up with people that have armies of people giving them support making out they are the only people in the world to have suffered with PND. I guess it's because those of us that have to cope alone just get on with it, whilst those that have mummy and the rest of the family pandering around them think they have it worse than others. I had to cope with it alone and in an emotionally abusive relationship but it's not a competition is it. I still have empathy for the OP hmm

Murphy0510 Wed 13-Mar-13 10:11:40

No, it's not a competition, but those that do get help do often make out they have had it worse than others.

I'm sorry you've had no support & that your friend is being insensitive. I would never tell anyone that my PND is worse than mine, how would I know what's happening in their head.

Have you not spoken to your GP about how you are feeling? There must be some sort of help available through HV, GP etc?

I don't think people with help often make out they have it worse, I think your friend has done that & you are tarring everyone with the same brush.

Murphy0510 Wed 13-Mar-13 10:16:28

Yep, GP is useless and gave me a supply of anti depressants for 3 months then refused to prescribe more. HV is useless too.

My friend has managed to convince everyone in our circle of friends that her PND is far worse than mine, meaning they are all there for her, and supporting her, but basically expecting me to be there for her too, when no one is there for me. It's all "Oh poor K, feeling as low as she does, she's been so poorly" "Lets have a collection for K" "Lets plan a night out to cheer poor K up" etc etc

What have you told your friends about how you are feeling? If you're anything like me you've understated it & made out you're ok. If you have then you can't expect them to understand. If you've been completely open & honest then maybe you need different friends.

Could you see a different GP? Sometimes you have to push for help, difficult when you feel so bad but that's how it is.

KellyElly Wed 13-Mar-13 10:20:53

Murphy0510 But your anger should be aimed at your husband and your mother not the OP or other women you know who have PND. I hope you left your husband for that. I don't have my ex or my mother closely in my life any more and I'm a lot happier for it.

Murphy0510 Wed 13-Mar-13 10:21:33

I've been open and honest, and told them all how ill I've felt, but no one has seemed particularly bothered or interested. I don't want the bouquets, spa days and cards that the other friend has had, but it would be nice if occasionally one of them popped in to see how I am, or invited me to lunch, or offered to help me out a bit. They all know how unsupportive my family have been.

Murphy0510 Wed 13-Mar-13 10:22:27

Kelly I do know what you are saying but it makes me angry when someone is making an issue out of their mother helping them. How can that possibly cause an issue? Believe me, there are far worse issues if you get no help with PND

Twodogsfighting Wed 13-Mar-13 11:22:31

murphy I think you need to find new friends, and ditch your husband and your family!

Murphy0510 Wed 13-Mar-13 13:17:12

I need to do something, and get some support from somewhere. Don't know where though

Well these boards are supportive, whereabouts are you Murphy? Can you speak to a different GP/HV?

buildingmycorestrength Wed 13-Mar-13 14:34:54

Murphy, you are going through a lot. It is very very hard with no practical and logistical support, let alone people as emotionally backward as those around you! Seriously, post on the Mental Health and Relationships boards, people are very supportive there.

OP, I think you should take all the help you can get. It is early days and very, very hard with two. In six months, check back in to see if you are becoming an entitled princess grin. (I don't think you will, BTW...that was a joke, but also a recognition that some people, like Murphy's 'friend', might be a little...ungrateful, perhaps.)

I did all bar two weeks paternity and the odd day here and there when my parents visited with newborn BF twins. It was hard, but I didn't even consider getting a routine going! Madness! Such a tiny baby - you will stress yourself more trying (and failing) to do that. I tried to do Gina Ford and realised I was waking babies at 6am because a book told me to hmm

Take the help, tell DH to sod off and enjoy your little ones.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Wed 13-Mar-13 15:57:34

A friend of mine had no local family support and similar lack of interest from her GP, she was put off going back frankly. When she did she saw a locum, he had a completely different mindset and she felt believed and supported for the first time. In her case her OH was away a lot with his job, I would hazard a guess and say in your shoes it is almost worse if you have your partner with you but he can't or won't comprehend how tough things are.

I don't want to sidetrack from this OP's post, if you haven't already today please start a thread somewhere on this board Murphy, I think you will get some fresh input and maybe some support you aren't finding in rl.

EmmelineGoulden Wed 13-Mar-13 18:19:18

I think it's really sad that we think a woman (or man) looking after a baby on their own is in anyway a good thing or should be normal, regardless of PND or any other conditions that make things harder. I don't mean that every one should have a nanny doing all the work while they sit around, just that our nuclear family set up leaves mothers of young children isolated and it is just not nice.

OP don't feel bad about having your mother round. So long as your DM is happy to be there relish the support and company. Ignore your DH, he's not seeing the whole picture.

wigglesrock Wed 13-Mar-13 18:27:08

Honestly most families where I live do this. My mum popped in or rang every day when I had mine. When my sister had her baby I was with her most days while my Mum looked after my dd3. I go to a toddlers group and there's lots of mums there with their children and their mum.

racingheart Wed 13-Mar-13 18:33:25

OP YANBU. It's great that you have company, especially if your DD is unsettled a lot. Glad you're well. maybe all that support is helping you through, or maybe you're not ill this time, but either way, enjoy your family time with your DD and your mum. What a lovely way to start you baby's life with lots of people to cuddle her and keep an eye on her.

IcouldstillbeJoseph Thu 14-Mar-13 07:22:18

Murphy - I'm sorry you have suffered so awfully. Just to clarify - it is not a 'big issue' between my DH and me. He made a comment and I'm merely posting on here to gauge opinion from other women.
I realize I am lucky to have support and not an hour goes by where I am not grateful. However, the depths of PND are terrifying and matter who is/is not helping. A personal hell.
I hope you find the help you need. I know you probably think I'm a stealth-boasting, pampered twat but if you wanted to pm me I'd listen.
Good luck.

AThingInYourLife Thu 14-Mar-13 07:41:16

What could possibly be the point of not availing of support you have in case a time comes when you don't have that support?

You can deal with having to cope alone when and if you need to cope alone.

There does seem to be far too much emphasis on women being expected to soldier on by themselves without complaint. Particularly if they are mothers.

As if you're not doing it "properly" unless you are miserable and barely able to cope.

diddl Thu 14-Mar-13 07:46:24

Shouldn't you be holding baby whilst your mum does jobs??

Do what works for you.

It's not what I would have wanted-but I didn't have PND.

If OP had had a Csection they'd be telling her to get help& rest as much as possible, wouldn't they?

IcouldstillbeJoseph Thu 14-Mar-13 07:57:54

Murphy - just another thing, perhaps try The Association for Post Natal Illness, they can put you in touch with women in your locality that can help and support.

Diddl - when I say 'jobs' I mean doing lunch for my toddler who has to have it cut in the same way, on a specific plate etc. Just easier for me to faff at that than my DM.

ToTeachOrNotToTeach Thu 14-Mar-13 08:16:50

I'm on my own most of the time with mine as they're small and my husband works away. No help at all. Threads like this do make me sad at how much harder I find it without company or encouragement (and yes I'd take it if I had it!)

I've got the possibility of returning to work but I'm struggling to carry all the home stuff and children at the moment andI'd love the job but not sure if I can manage juggling childcare, school in September andcommuting and work too. I feel as per title I ought to be able to manage it all on my own and then read how peoplefind one child hard without support whether my expectations of myself to not only manage life at home on my own but work too might be unrealistic.

BegoniaBampot Thu 14-Mar-13 10:32:59

ToTeach - I was in your position, so far 10 years after having my first I still haven't gone back to work as I don't want to have to do it all on my own and run myself ragged if I don't have to ad mine are all in FT school now. But, it does leave me vulnerable and dependent on my husband where many friends went back to work and have contiued in their careers. So many pros and cons to whatever you choose.

OP - if you enjoy having your mum's help and she enjoys giving it then that's great, that's when families work at their best. Think of the relationship your children will have wth their gran, my kids never really had that. It wouldn't have worked for me as me and my mum would have clashed but I would have loved to be able to see more of my family on a casual basis, for my kids to have that close familiar relationship with GP's and aunts and uncles and the odd bit of help if I needed it.

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