To not want my DC's friends visiting on weekend mornings unannounced?

(127 Posts)
Dragonwoman Sun 10-Mar-13 17:18:54

This morning, like many weekend mornings my doorbell went at 10.30 & next thing I knew I had 2 extra 8 year olds in my house.
I called DD1 upstairs & told her to tell them to leave. She knows I don't like people round when I'm not dressed. She thinks I'm being mean & DH also thinks I'm being a bit odd. In the end DD1 went out to the friends house instead.

Am I really that odd, bearing in mind that -
1) I work all week, so don't get much time in the house during the day.

2) I sleep in the raw, so does DH & we often nip across the landing in the nude to the bathroom. We don't have an ensuite. I don't want to come across other peoples kids when I'm in the nip thank-you!

3) We live on an estate & kids are calling all the time - if I don't put my foot down I will have extra kids all day every day weekends & holidays.

4) One of my DC will invariably wander into my room for something & then leave the door wide open. I don't want randoms on the landing who can see me lying in bed!

5) While other people may be up & dressed earlier than 10.30, in my own house on a day off I don't want to!

If it was a pre-arranged visit for something special of course I would get dressed, but as it is I think I am entitled to some privacy in my own home.

mrsjay Sun 10-Mar-13 17:20:20

I would tell them your dd isn't coming out to play why are YOU letting them in anyway send them home or say come back after lunchtime. they are 8 it is ok to sen d them away

MrsTomHardy Sun 10-Mar-13 17:23:07

YANBU
I would stop this immediately....I hate having other kids in my house unless I say so....
Like you I work all week and I love my weekends lazing around.

Indith Sun 10-Mar-13 17:23:25

maybe at 10.30 your dc want to play if you ate still nekkid and in bed.

Dragonwoman Sun 10-Mar-13 17:23:38

I don't let them in, my DD does. Often unknown to me. When I become aware they are there I send them away, but it really bugs me to have to get up & talk to other peoples DCs while in my dressing gown.

Dragonwoman Sun 10-Mar-13 17:25:23

My DC can play with each other surely - they see these friends at school & all the rest of the weekend. If they played out it would be OK, but at this time of year they don't want to.

CocacolaMum Sun 10-Mar-13 17:26:11

you let your 8 yr old open the door while you are in bed?!

MrsTomHardy Sun 10-Mar-13 17:27:23

My Ds's are slightly older but never invite people in unless they ask me first, they know I would go nuts grin

livinginwonderland Sun 10-Mar-13 17:27:40

surely they can just play outside or downstairs?

Goldmandra Sun 10-Mar-13 17:27:43

YANBU in that your DD can play outside with her friends. My DD is allowed friends in but mostly expects and is expected to play outside with them.

She also has to ask permission before inviting other children into the house and i insist that they have cleared it with their parents too.

It is her home too so YWBU to never allow her to bring friends in so perhaps you could suggest a more appropriate time for her to invite them round.

CalamityKate Sun 10-Mar-13 17:28:21

Bear in mind that the mum of the friend whose house you sent your DD to will probably be posting exactly the same shortly smile

Dragonwoman Sun 10-Mar-13 17:30:20

Then the mum of the friend shouldn't have let her daughter out to knock on other people's doors!

HarrietSchulenberg Sun 10-Mar-13 17:31:17

If you don't like it then tell your dd that she is not allowed to let other people into the house. Remind her at bedtime on Friday night if you are not likely to see her before the callers start coming in the morning. And hide the door keys so she can't let them in. Although 10.30 isn't really an unreasonable time for children to be calling.

Dragonwoman Sun 10-Mar-13 17:31:52

I don't see what's wrong with an 8 yr old answering the door. She won't if it isn't a friend - you can see through the window who it is. I just don't want her inviting kids in - she can answer & tell them to come back later.

squeakytoy Sun 10-Mar-13 17:32:47

An 8 year old should not be up on her own answering the door.

MarianForrester Sun 10-Mar-13 17:32:59

YABU. It's nice that she has friends to play with; 10.30 is not early; you don't need to play with them so can relax over a coffee and the paper and enjoy the weekend.

Sirzy Sun 10-Mar-13 17:33:15

Just a minute you let your 8 year old open the door and let people in and you only realise this AFTER people are in your house?

EmmelineGoulden Sun 10-Mar-13 17:36:19

It is your house, but it's her home too and 10:30 isn't an unreasonable time to be calling round. I don't know that YABU, but I think it's a bit rotten for your daughter that she has nowhere to entertain her friends. Could you have a "downstairs only" rule?

Timetoask Sun 10-Mar-13 17:38:26

I think you're being a little lazy staying naked in bed until 10:30 when you have children.
I also think it is really lovely that your dd has friends that like her enough to come and play with her, what a lucky girl. Many chi,dren struggle with friendship.

Dragonwoman Sun 10-Mar-13 17:39:29

No 10.30 is not early, but I don't want random children in my house from morning til night. I don't get the problem with the door answering - I can tell when the DCs come in - I can hear them. My bedroom is above the front door.

We live on a busy estate & kids knock constantly. If I answered myself every time I would never be able to cook a meal, shower, see to my younger DCs or go to the loo.

ThePathanKhansAmnesiac Sun 10-Mar-13 17:40:34

Wow, I suppose it's horses for courses and all that.
When I was growing up, my siblings friends and mine, were constantly in and out.There was always someone extra for dinner. I love it when I meet someone from my childhood and they say how much they loved it in our house even if it was chaos at times.
Maybe if you mention it too your dd friend while they,re both together, something like ^ I really need a good rest at weekends, so why don,t you girls arrange to meet later on Saturdays/Sundays?^.

Dragonwoman Sun 10-Mar-13 17:41:47

I'm not ignoring my own DCs - we get them breakfast & they come into our room & chat, play etc
Doesn't anyone else have lazy sunday mornings?

ImperialBlether Sun 10-Mar-13 17:42:10

She's being lazy when she's been working all week, Timetoask? Surely it's her right to have a lie in if she wants to? All she's asking is that other people's children are not roaming around her house. Is that too much to ask?

5madthings Sun 10-Mar-13 17:42:59

She should know not to let them in without asking you if its OK first.

MayTheOddsBeEverInYourFavour Sun 10-Mar-13 17:44:36

YANBU

and I think it's fine for an 8 year old to be up when you're in bed, but I wouldn't let them answer the door at that age unless I was up and about too

Dragonwoman Sun 10-Mar-13 17:48:03

Well - I'm not asleep at that time - I am aware that the door has been answered & can hear what's going on, so I don't think its unsafe - just annoying.
I tend to be sitting in bed chatting with DCs, reading or eating toast.

Heaven forbid I should not be up, showered & dressed early on a sunday!

Massive over reactions here.
Nothing wrong with a lie in, I'm just very jealous.

Could a compromise be that DD can let friends in but they stay downstairs until such times as everyone is up and dressed? My mum would never let my friends in the house and it made me very unpopular.

Hulababy Sun 10-Mar-13 17:59:51

Tell your DCs to not allow friends to come in without your permission.
TBH I wouldn't be letting the 8y answer the door when I am not up and about anyway.
Simple to solve though - teach your DC to say that they can't play just yet, maybe later.

Dragonwoman Sun 10-Mar-13 18:14:02

I have told her not to, but she thinks I'm mean! She is allowed friends in - but later. We usually have DCs friends in from lunchtime til about 7pm. I think that's enough TBH.

And they do have to be supervised as I have caught certain DCs ganging up on my toddler before now. He wants to be included & won't leave them alone & then cries if they won't let him join in. Or they pretend to let him join in & then tease him & make him miserable. So I have to supervise & be prepared to intervene. Its a massive PIA. I try to keep him occupied elsewhere, but it does mean other kids in the house makes things difficult.

KitchenandJumble Sun 10-Mar-13 18:20:22

Surely the issue is with your own DC, isn't it? Just tell them they aren't allowed to invite anyone in without your permission. You can't really blame other children for entering your house when they have been invited in.

ISeeSmallPeople Sun 10-Mar-13 18:20:47

We live somewhere like that.

1) I now have a lock on my bedroom door, & a dressing gown close to hand.
2) I turn off our doorbell. Lovely developers put in a 'light' switch for the doorbell so it has an off setting
3) I tell the eldest to tell cold calling children that they are not allowed in before 10am

If all else fails I come down the stairs with bed hair in my dressing gown & tell them to go away until it's after 10. the sight of me having just been woken up is enough to keep them away for a few weeks

thebody Sun 10-Mar-13 18:23:25

Set a time you are happy with to have children in your house at the weekend. That's fair.

Don't nip across the landing naked, this will traumatise your own Dcs let alone other random kids.

If your Dcs allow their friends to be mean to the toddler then that's your bigger battle. Totally unacceptable.

Sirzy Sun 10-Mar-13 18:24:25

To be fair you can't expect visiting children to entertain your toddler, it that is a problem then it again suggests that really you either shouldn't be in bed or you should set your toddler up playing in your bedroom.

seeker Sun 10-Mar-13 18:28:11

Nothing wrong with a lie in.

But why on earth can't your child have friends over? Why not say "downstairs only"? Or put some pyjamas on!

It's her house too.

livinginwonderland Sun 10-Mar-13 18:41:08

if you want privacy, shut your door. most 8 year olds don't want to see their parents wandering around naked to the bathroom, so get a dressing gown and wear it.

about the toddler issue, that shows that you shouldn't be lazing around in bed and should, instead, be entertaining your toddler. 8 year olds generally don't want to play with toddlers, especially toddlers that aren't related to them and who keep bothering them.

5madthings Sun 10-Mar-13 18:44:12

Children won't be traumatized by seeing their parents named, what a ridiculous statement!

5madthings Sun 10-Mar-13 18:44:24

'Naked'

5madthings Sun 10-Mar-13 18:46:40

And 8yr old shouldn't be winding up toddlers, relate or not.

When mine have friends round I try and keep the toddled out the way but it us their house as well so I won't always stop them going into the shared bedroom, etc.

They dont have to play with the toddler but they are not allowed to be mean to them either.

BlahBlahBlahhh Sun 10-Mar-13 19:48:33

I find it easier when my 2 have their friends round to play...means I can get on with things or chill out with a coffee without being harrassed as they are occupied. I've always got other people's kids over and I love having a house full of life ! My husband is a bit more like you...but I just think he's a boring old fart ! I work too but would feel lazy still being in bed at 10.30

fuzzysnout Sun 10-Mar-13 20:58:28

Sorry, but you are being lazy. Laying around in bed whilst your 8 yr old answers the door is not appropriate.

wigglesrock Sun 10-Mar-13 20:59:58

I think 10.30 is a little bit early for kids to call round on a weekend morning. My eldest isn't allowed to knock for her friends until 12 on a Sunday, they can play outside a bit earlier but not rap the door until then. Sometimes my almost 8 year old sees me naked shock, well if she will open doors without knocking.

ZZZenAgain Sun 10-Mar-13 21:04:02

if your dd has already been told they can come over after lunch, you'll have to reinforce it. lock the door tll you get up?

livinginwonderland Sun 10-Mar-13 21:07:47

They dont have to play with the toddler but they are not allowed to be mean to them either.

but that's what will happen when a group of 8 year olds are left with a probably annoying toddler without parental supervision :/

Dragonwoman Sun 10-Mar-13 21:23:37

I accept that the means to put a stop to it lies with me reinforcing the rules. Which I do but my DC thinks I'm sooo mean.

And yes it isn't acceptable to lay in bed while children upset my toddler. Which is why I don't let them in if I'm not prepared to supervise. My own DC generally play nicely with the toddler or he comes into my room to talk to me but visiting DCs completely upset the balance.

As for it being the DCs house too, well yes, but that doesn't mean you don't have to be considerate when inviting guests. It's my DHs house also but he wouldn't invite friends round if I wasn't dressed, nor would I if he wasn't up.

5madthings Sun 10-Mar-13 21:23:54

Really my ds3 is 8 and he and his friends know to either play nicely or if toddler is being annoying they call for/come and get me.

Dragonwoman Sun 10-Mar-13 21:28:02

Not sure why it would traumatize my DC to catch a glimpse of me naked. I'm not that out of shape! grin
Doesn't happen often anyway usually I put my dressing gown on.

I'm actually quite surprised that not many other people have lazy Sunday mornings reading in bed. It's only once a fortnight or so I get to do it. DCs have activities on a Saturday morning that we have to get up for.

SmiteYouWithThunderbolts Sun 10-Mar-13 21:32:30

YANBU, I have precisely the same issue with 8yo ds and one of his friends on our street. Friend tends to start calling around 9am at which time I am up, but still in pyjamas, braless, unshowered and generally ogre-like. I like to be presentable if people are going to come round, even if "people" is the neighbourhood kids!

And IMO 8yo is a perfectly acceptable age to be up before parents & answering the door if they can see it's a friend calling!

InNeedOfBrandy Sun 10-Mar-13 21:34:49

I always have lazy sunday mornings and have an after lunch time rule. I usually get up between half 10 and 11 where as in the week it's 6AM and on a saterday it's still early or we'd never leave the house and do anything.

I lock the door and keep the keys in my bedroom so any of their friends that knock (even though they all know my rule) have to communicate through the letter box.

StinkyElfCheese Sun 10-Mar-13 21:35:42

1030 you lucky they start at 9 round here then every 10 minutes or so another fecker knocks on the door thease kids are 5-6

ScottyDoc Sun 10-Mar-13 21:42:02

Yanbu And to the posters who are calling the OP 'lazy'I am very sure you are jealous that she can have a lie in, which she is damn well entitled to, and that you are just looking for something shitty to say. Happens a lot here on mumsnet unfortunately hmm

Enjoy your days off and set the rules for your kids. They are old enough by far to be up and about without you running around after them in the morning. although some competitive helicopter mummies on here wouldnt dream of letting a ten year old make their own toast yet

Have a nice weekend without interruptions smile

babanouche Sun 10-Mar-13 22:01:43

YANBU. no no no no no You deserve a slow morning now and again and your kids will come to appreciate it to. I think after 12 is fine. I have a similar problem here but eventually realised kids will push their luck and you have to be firm and tell them exactly what's acceptable. They will go with it.

Enjoy your lie ins. What else is there ffs? hmm

babanouche Sun 10-Mar-13 22:03:28

Of course, you could always send your dd round to the neighbours before the neighbours dd comes to you grin

deleted203 Sun 10-Mar-13 22:11:43

YADNBU. I can't bear (other people's) kids at a weekend, either. I teach all ruddy week - and I prefer NOT to have to entertain/supervise other people's flaming brats on a weekend morning. I am completely unsociable in my own home, I'm afraid. It is my sanctuary from the world - particularly if I'm having a lie in. I don't want to surface in a morning, bleary eyed and with the horrid awareness that there are strange children in the house. I would simply tell them that you don't have folks round before lunch at a weekend.

WorraLiberty Sun 10-Mar-13 22:17:49

Really this thread should be called "AIBU to not punish my 8yr old DD for being blatantly disobedient"?

If she's not allowed to invite them in when they knock...but does so anyway you're going to have to come down hard on her about it.

beeingfruitful Sun 10-Mar-13 22:21:44

YANBU and living on an estate we used to get this problem too, sometimes from 8.30am! In the end we made a sign for the door - "do not knock" - with a simple picture - and trained the neighbouring children that if the sign was up they could fuck off come back when the sign had gone. It didn't take long to police get the message across.

ravenAK Sun 10-Mar-13 22:22:03

I think an 8yo opening the door is fine. Mine has been known to pay the milkman on one memorable occasion '...so your purse was on the hall table, so I gave him twenty quid because that's all that was in there - can I have my pocket money?...oh.' grin.

I'd just ban the randoms from my bedroom/upstairs, & expect dc to pop up & let me know eg. 'Tom's come round, we're watching telly/playing in the garden'.

& I'd either be unashamedly nekkid or have a dressing gown for trips to the bathroom if I preferred not to be glimpsed. Dressing gown or sleeping in something modest in this house, but I really don't believe anyone's going to be traumatised by the sight of your bum whisking across the landing!

drownangels Sun 10-Mar-13 22:31:27

Blimey, I thought you were going to say they we're calling round at 7.30 am or something! YABU
I love a lie in on my weekends off and stay in bed until 8.30am. We normally have a house full by 9.00am if you include the kids that have slept over!
If I am lazy and don't want to get ready the kids leave me alone in my bedroom while they have their mates round and play in their bedroom or loft.

It's great having loads of kids round having fun. A good family home!

seeker Sun 10-Mar-13 22:32:21

Oh, of course 8 year olds can open the door, and are entitled to their own lives. But the OP is entitled to her lie in too, so make a rule- no kids upstairs. Sorted.

Yfronts Sun 10-Mar-13 22:47:17

tell your DC when the kids can come and play? Have a regular time - so Saturday at 2pm maybe?

Dollydoolally Mon 11-Mar-13 11:21:22

Absolutely hate this too, I get it all the time, not too bad with my son but mainly with my 9 year old daughter. In our last house, they were really good friends with the next door neighbours' children (two boys and a girl). They used to climb over the wall whenever they felt like it! One morning, I walked out the downstairs shower room with just a towel round me to find them all sitting watching telly. This was 8 am on a school morning! In this house, my daughter's friends knock constantly, I have actually cried in the school holidays sometimes, due to the intrusion. It is really difficult and I feel your pain. I like to try and keep on top of the housework and my hubby and I like some peace at weekends (I also like to laze around in p.j.s for a bit too!) I don't want to spoil my children's fun but other peoples kids just don't know where to draw the line sometimes! YADNBU!

WorraLiberty Mon 11-Mar-13 11:24:49

I don't understand why people are blaming other people's kids here, instead of getting a grip on enforcing the rules in their own homes?

If you don't want someone in your home at any time it's up to you to make sure it doesn't happen.

5madthings Mon 11-Mar-13 11:32:42

Exactly worra nothing wrong with the op having a lie in or the dd answering yge door but the girl is at fault for letting yge friends in when she has been told not to!

WorraLiberty Mon 11-Mar-13 11:35:16

Exactly 5mad

And Dolly, you shouldn't be crying in your own home due to intrusion.

Lock the back door and tell your kids that if they let anyone in again without your permission, they're going to be in a lot of trouble.

Dollydoolally Mon 11-Mar-13 11:38:28

Sometimes, some of us actually just like spending family time with our children at the weekend, they see their friends all week and they will be grown up and out all the time before we know it! And yes, some people do actually encourage their children to get out of their way (oh go and knock on so-and-so's door! I know this for a fact!) My kids are not encouraged to knock for anyone! If they ever do, it's to play outside. It probably is my fault due to the fact we have a trampoline and always a freezer full of ice-cream! Thank God we are not rich enough to have a pool!

ByTheWay1 Mon 11-Mar-13 11:40:53

We have a houseful most weekends (I also have friends from school who say they used to love our house since the door was always open when I was little, and want to give my kids a bit of that magic).

We all tend to be up by 9 - We said 10.30 is earliest for others to call - kids do their homework between 8 and 10 to get it out of the way, then I don't care who is there or how many, they get fed + watered if they are around at food time, ice pops in the summer..

If you want 12 to be the earliest, then just say so - and keep saying it, and provide some sort of punishment for letting them in earlier, or just tell them to go home..

fairyqueen Mon 11-Mar-13 11:42:01

We used to have the hoards of neighbourhood kids in our house all the time, until I realised that I was the only parent that let them in! Now, if the weather's fine, I don't let them in. There's plenty of fun to be had outside.

WorraLiberty Mon 11-Mar-13 11:45:52

It probably is my fault due to the fact we have a trampoline and always a freezer full of ice-cream! Thank God we are not rich enough to have a pool!

You're entitled to have a reconstruction of Alton Towers in your garden and a house like Willy Wonka if you so wish.

That's not why it's your fault.

It's your fault for allowing it to continue and for blaming the kids who knock/come in, instead of enforcing your house rules IYSWIM?

Until you make it very clear to whoever is letting them in that they're not to do it without your permission, nothing's going to change I'm afraid.

But you shouldn't be crying in your own home over it.

Saski Mon 11-Mar-13 11:53:15

I am extremely lazy on Sunday mornings. An 8 year old is perfectly capable of making breakfast and watching TV on her own.

I live in C. London so I'm a bit jealous that your 8 year old can have a social life independently of you. Grass is always greener and all that. Try to have a sense of humour about it, because it seems to me that they get older, your kids and their friends at your house is probably what you want. Not a bad habit.

I wouldn't like it at 10.30, though.

Indith Mon 11-Mar-13 11:54:14

Thing is, we are all differen, some love having kids round and some don't. Fine. WE should all enforce the rules and it wouldn't do paretns of other kids any harm to have respect for that. Eg a good friend of mine and mother of ds1's best mate doens't mind having kids over but enjoys lazy mornings at weekends so I encourage ds1 to wait until after lunch to knock at weekends. Doesn't always work but if they are in pjs when he knocks she tells him they will be out later. ALl fine, all polite, nobody minds.

However, am I the only one a little concerned that the op's 8 year old is able to let people into teh house without the op knowing? I am fine with the idea of lazy mornings and sleep ins but for it to be possible for a child to let people into teh house without her parents knowing? Flipping heck! What else could she be doing without them knowing? And who is watching the toddler? I give my kids a lot of freedom but I would be very concerned if they were letting people into the house without checking with me first.

freddiefrog Mon 11-Mar-13 11:56:31

I think you really need to come down hard on your 8 year old for letting them all in

We get the neighbourhood kids on our door as early as 8:30 weekend mornings. Fortunately, my girls like their Sunday morning lie-in as much as I do so are usually still sound asleep. I do think it's a bit anti-social to let your kids go go knocking round the neighbours, houses at that time of the morning - they knock and knock until the dog barks, which then wakes everyone up.

But other than that, my 2 know not to let their friends in without asking first

imnotmymum Mon 11-Mar-13 11:58:44

YANBU at all. I had to out my foot down and tbh we are all usually still in jammys at 10:30 on a Sunday. Sunday family day, Saturday ok but mine do ask or just slope off down the garden. I am laughing a little at the horror of an 8 year old being in the house unattended ...and opening a door!!

Saski Mon 11-Mar-13 12:01:20

I missed the toddler part.

I'm not sure it makes sense to leave the toddler unattended for this long. Your kids won't look after him as well as you would, obviously.

Dollydoolally Mon 11-Mar-13 12:06:29

Worra, yes you're right, I am too soft and cave in when all the kids (mine and their friends) give me the big pleading eyes! I have five rescue cats, that just about sums me up! Will have to make a stand this weekend!

P.S. I would love a reconstruction of Alton Towers in my back garden, don't think it would fit though!

Indith Mon 11-Mar-13 12:06:53

I am not in horror at an 8 year old unattended at all, my 6 year old watches the baby while I'm in the shower, posts letters for me and plays out alone. But an 8 year old should not be making sole judgements on who can come into the house. An 8 year old should be checking with mum first. If an 8 year old can let a load of kids in while mum is blissfully unaware in bed then an 8 year old could also let a doorstep scammer in while mum is blissfully unaware upstairs because an 8 year old cannot be relied upon to know who is safe and who is not.

AdoraBell Mon 11-Mar-13 12:08:06

My DDs don't answer the door without asking me first, and OP if your DH thinks you are being odd then tell him he needs to be up and ready to receive visitors before they arrive, while you continue to be odd have your day off.

Completely off topic, I couldn't sleep nude, what if there was a fire and you have to leave hastily, no time to get dressedshock?

Indith Mon 11-Mar-13 12:12:13

grin I sleep nude too. I have thought about teh fire thing but the joy of sleeping nude wins. I keep my dressing gown handy!

WorraLiberty Mon 11-Mar-13 12:13:00

Dolly, I'd prefer a house full of rescue cats to kids any day grin

valiumredhead Mon 11-Mar-13 12:24:30

The issue her is not other people's kids but how you need to enforce the rules wrt to your dd opening the door without your say so.

valiumredhead Mon 11-Mar-13 12:24:37

here

TomArchersSausage Mon 11-Mar-13 12:34:06

Yaddnbu.

Where we used to live I'm surprised the doorbell didn't wear away dc's friends were ringing it ALL the time all over weekends and holidays. It used to drive me nuts. I'm like you Dragon and prefer not to be overun with random children thundering about the place at any given spare minute..

It got so bad it was a major factor in moving. I felt we had no privacy and it was invasive. I don't think we ever had an uninterrupted mealtime during the last year or so therehmm

You have to take control by making it clear to dc when is ok and when is not or you will be over-run. And if they don't get the message stick a big note on the door that 'Dd is busy and will be out later. Do not knock/ring bell.'

SCOTCHandWRY Mon 11-Mar-13 12:44:03

shockshockshock At posters suggesting locking the door and hiding the key! NO, really don't so this!

I have a friend in the fire service, and that kills people, especially kids. It was drummed into mine from a really young age, 3.5, to 4, how to get out of the house through the doors and windows and seek help - even at 4 they knew how to do this, and also never to answer the door if they woke before us, but to tell us someone was knocking.

Op, make some house rules and enforce them, easy for kids to understand "no friends over to play at weekends until after lunch"

SCOTCHandWRY Mon 11-Mar-13 12:44:33

Don't Do, obviously.

SCOTCHandWRY Mon 11-Mar-13 12:47:07

Tomarchers...

It was a factor in us moving house too, we live a couple of miles out of town now, and that meant all visits from dc friend had to be arranged!

seeker Mon 11-Mar-13 12:48:58

What a mean spirited lot!

valiumredhead Mon 11-Mar-13 12:49:53

LOL, I knew you'd say that seeker grin

WorraLiberty Mon 11-Mar-13 12:53:15

Me too grin

SCOTCHandWRY Mon 11-Mar-13 12:54:42

Not mean, Seeker, perhaps a little controlling grin, but seriously it all depends on personality, some people enjoy a house full of random kids, some people actually find it quite stressful and intrusive into our "rest days". The DC don't/didn't miss out, plenty of socialising but a bit more organised and when it suited the adults as will as the kids iykwim.

I agree with seeker grin

VenusRising Mon 11-Mar-13 13:03:23

Just tell the other mums that you and your partner go at it like hammer and tongs on the weekend mornings, and that you'd prefer if there kids weren't there. Try and fob your kids off on them, see how that goes down... Like a lead balloon I'm thinking!

Some very hokey judgey pants opinions of what you should be doing with your weekend morning lie ins, and what you should be wearing also! Ignore!

I was often told, without any niceties when was acceptable for me to call over to pals on the weekend. It taught me a lot to know I wasn't welcome at the crack of dawn, to respect other people's time and homes... Kids need to be told explicitly when they can come over, and when they cannot.

Pandemoniaa Mon 11-Mar-13 13:05:45

Just make a rule - on Sundays there are no additional guests until everyone in the house is up and dressed. And tell your DD that she doesn't open the front door until the up and dressed conditions are met.

diddl Mon 11-Mar-13 14:10:54

I agree that it's your children who need teaching to do as they are told-& to shut doors!

I'm always last up in the week.

Sometimes the cat come in & jumps on the bed-obviously leaving the door open.

Husband & children always shut the door when that happens-so that their getting ready in the morning disturbs me as little as possible.

mrsjay Mon 11-Mar-13 14:13:50

* don't let them in, my DD does. Often unknown to me. When I become aware they are there I send them away, but it really bugs me to have to get up & talk to other peoples DCs while in my dressing gown.*

Oh ok sorry must have misread you dont you hear the door keep the door locked and dont let your child answer it .

mrsjay Mon 11-Mar-13 14:14:22

Just make a rule - on Sundays there are no additional guests until everyone in the house is up and dressed. And tell your DD that she doesn't open the front door until the up and dressed conditions are met.

^ ^ this

whateveritakes Mon 11-Mar-13 14:29:48

YANBU letting children in on a Sunday morning when you don't want them.

YABU both of you staying upstairs till 10.30 with an 8 year old and toddler. You aren't "entitled to" because you get up at a normal time the rest of the week. Children should come first and teaching them that lying in bed is a good thing is really odd. Maybe an extra hour is OK on a Sunday but 10.30 is half the morning wasted.
Why can't you lie on the sofa and drink tea and eat toast?

atthewelles Mon 11-Mar-13 14:40:57

YANBU. Parents should have enough sense to know that other people on the road might not want their kids knocking on the door at 10.30 on a Saturday morning. Even if you're not in bed you might just want to wander around the house in your dressing gown and then have a relaxed shower or bath without being concious of other kids hanging around the place. I definitely think 12ish is early enough at the weekend to start welcoming other kids in.

Dragonwoman Mon 11-Mar-13 18:06:30

To all who are concerned at the neglect of my toddler, I am not in bed asleep while he roams the house. He is supervised and often is sitting in bed next to me for a cuddle. We don't get this cosy time any other morning. Of course if he knows there are other people's kids in the house this all goes to pot & he wants to join in, then the trouble occurs. grin
As for house fires I would try & grab my dressing gown, but if not possible I would be happy to be doing a lady Godiva impression in the street if everyone was out & safe. (Tho I may have to move away from the area rather than face the neighbours afterwards blush)

Dragonwoman Mon 11-Mar-13 18:13:12

Thanks all for views. Am surprised how many people think door opening is a dangerous activity for DCs!

My DCs won't answer the door to an adult - you can see thru the window who it is. Even if they did, what's the problem? My bedroom is above the door, I can hear the conversation. If I were up and in the kitchen I would be further away. What could happen to the DC that couldn't happen to them when playing out for example?

HappyMummyOfOne Mon 11-Mar-13 18:17:01

I think its a little mean to expect the older one to look after a toddler and not see her friends. However i've never understood why some people dont like their DC to have people over. DS often invites friends over and i love having a housefull.

BegoniaBampot Mon 11-Mar-13 18:20:43

OP - YANBU to have a lie in, to want no visitors till you are up and ready and to cartwheel naked through your house if you so wish. But YABU to blame the neighbourhood kids - just lay down the law with your own.

LadyClariceCannockMonty Mon 11-Mar-13 18:26:34

YANBU and a big Up Yours to the 'you ought to be up by 10.30' brigade.

TomArchersSausage Mon 11-Mar-13 19:09:38

grin Lol@ 'a big Up Yours'

Maybe because I have 3dc the cheery notion of a few friends over quickly becomes a logistical hellhole in a very short space of time. On a weekend when (I know it's selfish but hey ho) you crave a little down time, another army of children bashing the door in is the last thing you welcome.

Dragonwoman Tue 12-Mar-13 00:00:51

Big 'up yours' to the early risers - love it. smile

Yes I do wonder if those who like other DCs coming to play have 2 or 1 children. If I let all mine have a couple of friends in all day it would be chaos. Especially as DC1 has friends who quarrel with DC2's friends angry.
I really don't want to intervene in fights between visiting DCs on a regular basis. It certainly isn't relax with a coffee time when the hoards descend.

The thing is HappyMumOfOne, you like your son to have friends over and having a houseful. I've always got a houseful, so it's necessary sometimes to have no friends over so the house is as calm and quiet as ut possibly can be. Which is not at all with my 4 rampaging round.
You can enjoy the peace sonetimes (I'm assuming you have one child) I never have the peace, that's why I don't "like my DC to have people over" on occasion.

Does that help you understand a bit more, looking at it from another perspective?

smile

Nectar Tue 12-Mar-13 15:43:11

I can really emphathise with this issue, my eldest is at secondary school now and my youngest moves up in September. A few years ago though, weekends/school holidays would be like this -

The kids in our road banging on the door constantly asking our kids to play out, which would last 20 mins at most before they were asking to come in. Then I'd find every room was taken up, screaming, shouting, hurtling down the stairs in cardboard boxes, (the neighbour's kids, not mine!). I did put a stop to that!

They would also be constantly pestering for snacks and wanting to use the computer, then insisting I phoned their parents for their Moshi Monsters etc passwords. After one occasion where my kids were locked out of their computer games through their friends repeatedly trying to put their own details in I stopped this!

Saying No to them coming in didn't make much difference really, they'd then set themselves up in our front garden with their arts and crafts stuff etc. My direct neighbour's ds who was in his early teens would come out and deliberately wind them up, so the other kids would come crying to me and I'd then have THAT issue to sort outhmm

Once I was just getting in shower when they knocked, I heard dd answer the door and say they weren't allowed in, but when I came downstairs dressed they were standing in our porch way, watching TV through the crack in living room door!shock The boy said he didn't think I'd mind as they weren't actually in any rooms! I couldn't believe the cheek of it!

It's all a lot calmer now thankfully, but what got me was that you hardly ever saw another parent supervising, they just kept sending them over to us. I was often exhausted by the other kids, and resentful of the time I could have spent with just my own kids after a busy week at work, taken away. So I can really sympathise!

mmmuffins Tue 12-Mar-13 16:59:15

I personally think you are being mean; this opinion is based a bit on having a mother who was like this at times.

There were times when I wasn't allowed to go out/ have people over because 1) friends had shown up on the off-chance (and despite the fact we were often home, doing nothing but watching TV, my mother would get upset because she thought it was rude) 2) It wasn't a "decent hour" (even when I was older) 3) My mother was tired and didn't want to have to worry about me (she didn't quite say this but I knew this was exactly the reason).

It was very frustrating to have my social life curtailed because my mother was in a "I don't want to be bothered with this" mood. I have never forgotten this frustration.

Even though as an adult I've turned into a fairly unsocial person, it has made me feel very strongly about wanting to have an open, welcoming house to friends and family when I settle down and get married and have kids.

I don't know if you are quite like my mother OP (you did at least let your daughter go out) but I think it is unfair to say children can't play because you don't want to get out of bed. Stay in bed by all means but let your kids play. Keep a robe in your bedroom so you don't need to run around the house naked smile

BegoniaBampot Tue 12-Mar-13 17:20:38

when we were kids you very rarely played in friends houses, we all played out. OP just wants a few hours on the morning with no neighbouhood kids running about. i'm relaxed about kids at my house but not so keen at thay time when you want to chill out.

TeeBee Tue 12-Mar-13 18:27:39

OP, I do understand what you mean, I like to feel ready to receive guests, albeit if that means just putting on some clothes and brushing my hair. I think, however, that your child needs to learn your boundaries. No one is let in unless first pre-arranged with yourself. You are not weird, I don't like people in my house until I am up and dressed, whatever time I choose that to be. I think you are going to have to instil some strict rules and consequences if this doesn't happen. Don't leave it to someone else's 8 year old to understand the sociable acceptability of turning up that early, I think you just need to teach your 8 year old. Your house, your rules.

TomArchersSausage Tue 12-Mar-13 18:59:33

The day I counted 17 children in my garden was the day I put the brakes on it.

Even if you have an understanding that certain days will be ok, it's the constant banging on the door every 5 minutes wanting to know who's doing what, where and when that winds me up.

And as for the long summer holiday.. 6 weeks is an awful lot of banging on the door.

SCOTCHandWRY Tue 12-Mar-13 19:48:40

Exactly TomArchers, it was bliss when we moved outside of town to basically a house in a field - no more knocking, not even Jehovah's witnesess knock now...

seeker Tue 12-Mar-13 21:29:29

All you out of toners, you wait til you're a never ending taxi service- then you'll miss the "knocking" days!

Seriously- don't your children have any say in this? Do you just over rule them?

the thing is. you are sharing your home now with people who will increasingly have diffrent agendas to you. 10.30 IS a late lie in. make some rules. noone upstairs etc. but you have to give a bit too. would it kill you to slip on a pair of pjs when you get up for that first thing wee? then you can stomp downstairs and give them hell/send them home when they break your rules. but i do think 8 year olds need parental supervision if they have been up for hours. and i speak as one who loves her lie ins. ds is trained now. if mates come round they get the rules.

BegoniaBampot Wed 13-Mar-13 00:18:09

Why do you need the street kids playing in your house at 10.30 am? And yes you over rule your kids, doesn't everyone? Hardly being a dictator to ask them to wait an hour or so.

SCOTCHandWRY Wed 13-Mar-13 07:55:41

Seeker, I can assure you we will never miss the cold calling of kids (and adults), to our door at times when we didn't want visitors - our home, our family space, not a playground for the kids of other parents who are probably delighted to get them out of their own house so THEY can have some quiet time ��

Three of our dc are teens now and they would still check (not ask for permission, but check, invade we had other plans), if it is ok for x or y to come over for dinner or use the spare room... Of course it is their home to but checking is just showing respect.

When they were younger, absolutely they had to ask permission to do things- they are children, we are adults, of course they had a say in things but ultimately, what the adult say, goes! It is a parents job to define boundaries and give kids a framework of rules.

A family is not, and should not be a democracy - children lack the mental capacity and maturity (though obviously as parents we work towards our kids achieving that maturity and capacity).

A family is a "benign dictatorship"!

SCOTCHandWRY Wed 13-Mar-13 09:49:04

*incase not invade!

Dragonwoman Wed 13-Mar-13 11:19:16

This is obviously a subject where there are 2 opposing points of view! 'I love a houseful' people versus 'privacy' people. smile.

I find restricting to downstairs doesn't work - they continually find excuses to come up 'I just need to get this & x needs to come & help me carry that downstairs' Also my little one will rush downstairs to 'play' with the big kids where previously he's been happy playing in my room. If I prevent him he will wail miserably. So I have to get up, get dressed & supervise - bang goes my lazy sunday!

BTW I don't really want to be seen in PJs either by all the locals. If there are people in my house who are not immediate family I want to be showered, hair brushed & dressed!

WhatsTheBuzz Wed 13-Mar-13 11:58:46

if you work hard all week, maybe your weekend could be spent enjoying
quality time with your kids rather than reading in bed until 10.30 and
leaving them to it? Especially the toddler, sounds as though he gets
bored.

seeker Wed 13-Mar-13 12:01:41

I just wonder where the children's needs fit in here.

WhatsTheBuzz Wed 13-Mar-13 12:01:48

my mum was like this too and at the risk of sounding like a brat, it fucking sucked.

Dragonwoman Wed 13-Mar-13 12:18:54

I think cosy time with toddler in the morning is 'quality time'. My DCs don't rise until after 9 on a sunday either, so not left alone for hours. We are not a house of natural early risers.

My DCs have friends round or visit friends on weekend afternoons 'til about 7pm and after school. Most days in the holidays they play out for at least part of the day or have people in. On Saturday mornings they have sports activities.

I am not a machine, or a servant. I need a little 'down time'. I don't get much time in the evening - my older DCs don't go to bed early any more & there are chores to do.

Children's needs are well catered for. However, not all children's 'wants' can be accommodated.

Pandemoniaa Wed 13-Mar-13 12:24:22

However i've never understood why some people dont like their DC to have people over. DS often invites friends over and i love having a housefull.

But these things don't have to be all or nothing, do they? Not wanting a house full of other people's dcs earlier than is convenient on a Sunday morning is hardly the same thing as denying your children the chance to have any social life whatsoever.

I always had lots of children round when the dcs were young. But I had them round at a time that suited me. Neither of my dcs grew up to be friendless, anti-social adults because I refused to have hordes of children rampaging through the entire house from silly o'clock onwards at the weekend.

I also wonder how willing the parents of these visiting children would be to accommodate the OP's children on Sunday mornings.

SCOTCHandWRY Wed 13-Mar-13 12:26:50

Good point Dragon, about needs and wants being two different things!

Sometimes meeting a child's needs, means setting boundaries to curtail their wants!

Pandemoniaa Wed 13-Mar-13 12:30:00

However, not all children's 'wants' can be accommodated.

Indeed not. And it wouldn't be in the best interests of children if they always could.

Dragonwoman Wed 13-Mar-13 12:31:45

Quite Pandemoniaa. On this occasion my child did go to visitors house. They returned to mine later on.

10.30 is not the earliest we get callers either - just on this occasion.

I don't let my DCs knock for other people on Sunday mornings or from 5ish in the evening as thats meal times. It is really irritating to get up from your dinner multiple times to random callers, which is another thing that happens.

If they see other children playing out at these times they can go out to play with them, but not to knock at doors.

Thingiebob Wed 13-Mar-13 12:38:29

YANBU
This would drive me insane.

As for other posters calling you lazy, these kind of judgemental comments drive me up the wall! You have NO idea how busy this woman is during the week. You have NO idea if she needs to catch up on sleep and anyway if she wants to have a lie-in she can!

WhatsTheBuzz Wed 13-Mar-13 13:49:49

well then if your kids are content enough there's no problem but thingie, that's true and generally when people respond to posters on aibu, they go on the information they get, you're sort of inviting people to judge you/your decisions and choices when you post here... why do some people not get this?

DrunkenDaisy Wed 13-Mar-13 14:15:29

Blimey, no-one's allowed to disturb me before 11am on a Saturday or a Sunday.

Ragwort Wed 13-Mar-13 14:20:57

No wonder it's so hard to get parents to help with childrens' activites at weekends if everyone is enjoying a lie in grin - spare a thought for the parents who are freezing on the rugby touch line/football pitch/scout camp etc etc.

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