Dh has just announced he is going out tonight and tomorrow night. I have a week old baby and 2 other children under 5. AIBU to feel mightily pissed off with him

(227 Posts)
Mugglewhump Sun 10-Mar-13 16:34:03

i have just arrived home from visiting my Mum on mothers day with all 3 children. As I walked through the door and just as DH's parents arrive at the house he announces to me "by the way I forgot I am going out tonight and also tomorrow night" He brought tickets for 2 comedy nights a few months ago (and would have known full well we would have had a newborn baby)

His will be going out just before bath and bedtime so i will have to bath 2 under 5's and get them to bed whilst the newborn screams as it will coincide with the time newborn ds normally cluster feeds.

Aibu to feel pissed off about this? I will have to sit on my own this evening with a baby plugged into my boob who i can't put down feeling pissed off, upset and knackered and to top it all its bloody Mothers day. I am fuming. Dh went out only 1wk ago to see Harry Hill (this was when i was 8 days overdue and could have gone into labour at anytime) but I was fine with this as thought I would be v miserable to moan and make him stay at home with me.

In 1wks time he has to go to Prague for a week with work so he will get rest and sleep whilst yet again I am left literally holding the baby! Am i being a miserable cow as Dh has just told me?

JollyYellowGiant Sun 10-Mar-13 16:35:16

Wtf? He's not being very considerate.

havingamadmoment Sun 10-Mar-13 16:35:23

yanbu with a week old baby I would expect him to be home actually doing most of the housework/childcare for older children. You are still recovering after a week he should be ashamed of himself!

Alibabaandthe40nappies Sun 10-Mar-13 16:36:05

No you are not being a miserable cow, he is being an inconsiderate cunt. And a cowardly one, because he waited until his Mummy was there to tell you.

Convert Sun 10-Mar-13 16:36:51

You are not being a miserable cow, he is bang out of order. Tell him to stop being such a thoughtless, selfish cunt. It's Mother's Day FFS. You poor thing.

Floralnomad Sun 10-Mar-13 16:37:05

I'd make him do the bath time a bit earlier at least ,also he'd be choosing one of the 2 nights to go and giving the other nights ticket away .

livinginwonderland Sun 10-Mar-13 16:37:15

yanbu, make him sell the tickets to a friend and get him to put DC's to bed himself! cheeky sod.

NomNomDePlum Sun 10-Mar-13 16:37:22

no you aren't. your h is being an arsehole. you have a week old baby, fgs. in your position i would give the tikcets to a toddler to chew up. bastard.

yaimee Sun 10-Mar-13 16:37:58

of course yanbu! He's being a knob! I'm shock
give him hell!
Do you have any help? Not that it makes up for it but do you have any family and friends around to get you through the week!

havingamadmoment Sun 10-Mar-13 16:38:08

Also if my dh had said anything like that in front on my MIL he would have got a slap round the back of the head from MIL and a "ffs get in the house and care for having and the kids".

yellowbrickrd Sun 10-Mar-13 16:38:15

Err...no, you are not BU.

He is massively taking the piss out of you and it's going to have to stop. In fact I would tell him he couldn't go.

He called you 'a miserable cow'? That is not a healthy relationship.

sillyoldfool Sun 10-Mar-13 16:38:16

YANBU no way would DH even dream of doing that!

YADNBU! I don't see how he can possibly think this is ok (not going out, but doing it without discussion when you have 3 dc).

Ask him when he's planning on doing the bedtime run with all 3 kids alone twice in a row to give you equivalent time off. If he isn't keen then accuse him of being a miserable bastard.

elastamum Sun 10-Mar-13 16:39:18

YANBU, he is being a selfish arse.

I would tear the tickets up and shove them in the bin. He needs to grow up and pull his weight.

3littlefrogs Sun 10-Mar-13 16:39:21

Has he always been this selfish and self centred? Or is it a new thing?

If his parents live nearby, would they come and help you with the DC while their son is out enjoying himself?

No, YANBU. He is behaving like an adolescent. Actually that is unfair to adolescents - my teenagers would have been kinder and more thoughtful in a similar situation.

yaimee Sun 10-Mar-13 16:39:39

nomnom grin I second that, let the tickets 'accidentaly' fall into the hands of your toddler!

MrsTomHardy Sun 10-Mar-13 16:39:41

YANBU.... He is an arsehole tho

NatashaBee Sun 10-Mar-13 16:39:57

I would probably put up with one night (although wouldn't be pleased) but he's taking the piss.

Rosa Sun 10-Mar-13 16:40:19

A week old baby bloody hell .. You must be shattered or a saint. He is being very U and should be ashamed of himself for even considering going out.

WellSlapMyThighAndCallMeNancy Sun 10-Mar-13 16:40:23

shock NOT ok.

What did you say?

Spero Sun 10-Mar-13 16:41:08

He told you you were a miserable cow???

I am, once again, aghast at the sheer selfish unpleasant twattery so many men seem to,show their partners.

You are not remotely unreasonable to be furious and upset. The question is - what do you do now? A serious talk is in order. 2 children under 5 AND a new born is not a walk in the park. If he can't pull his weight now, when wil he ever?

SmiteYouWithThunderbolts Sun 10-Mar-13 16:41:32

YANBU!!! He is being a prize arse for leaving you with a week old baby, never mind an additional two young children and it being Mother's Day.

Good lord, YANBU

What are you going to do when he's away next week? Can't he get out of going?

TheNebulousBoojum Sun 10-Mar-13 16:41:45

You are not a miserable cow, and he is being selfish.
Is he usually like this? Are you usually understanding and let him go his own way without any objections?
Three children with the same self-centred bloke? confused
I'd start explaining how you feel and what a partnership is right now.

absolutely unacceptable. anyone who wasn't a massive cunt would know that.

Also: unless the kids are filthy, skip the baths for tonight. No one will notice.

Convert Sun 10-Mar-13 16:44:36

Why not show him this thread?

Magimedi Sun 10-Mar-13 16:45:57

What a selfish prick.

I am just amazed that any adult thinks they can behave like that - and to call you a miserable cow.

I would be laying down some serious markers re the marriage if I were you.

Magimedi Sun 10-Mar-13 16:46:30

Love Convert's idea - brilliant!

OTTMummA Sun 10-Mar-13 16:47:10

I would be feeding him those fucking tickets for dessert.
YADNBU,, who the fuck does he think he is?
Can his mum have a word about how ridiculously selfish this is?

INeverSaidThat Sun 10-Mar-13 16:50:46

YANBU confused

He is being extremely unfair and unreasonable.

YouTheCat Sun 10-Mar-13 16:50:47

I presume you will be all tucked up by the time this selfish arse comes back from his night out?

Leave your key in the lock, put bolts on and tell him tomorrow that if he goes out that night as well, to find somewhere else to sleep.

You need some support and a rest.

C0smos Sun 10-Mar-13 16:51:35

Totally selfish, he shouldn't be arranging anything for at least a month or so until you are a bit more settled. He should also not be going to Prague for a week, shouldn't he be on paternity leave anyway?

ImperialBlether Sun 10-Mar-13 16:52:23

He sounds incredibly selfish. Didn't his mother say that? I'd be ashamed of my son if he behaved like that.

Doha Sun 10-Mar-13 16:52:42

I would take newborn out somewhere to parents friends etc now and leave him to look after the 2 under 5's.
He will miss his comedy night unless his DP's were prepared to babysit.
No way would l accept this "by the way". Time to throw a strop in front of his parents. He probably told you in front of them so that you wouldn't kick off but l am surprised at them id they didn't think this was unreasonable

Mugglewhump Sun 10-Mar-13 16:53:21

He told me about a minute before his parents arrived and said he had forgotten he was going out and had just remembered. I stormed off upstairs in a huff and that's when he told me I was being a miserable cow. he didn;t say anything in front of his parents.

I have just pulled myself together to go and say hello to them as they had no idea what they were walking into! They thought I was annoyed that they had come round to see us which of course I am not , but I have told them why I am upset and his Mum is not happy with him either!

He really does have to go away for work and says he doesn't have any choice which is fair enough and I will be able to get help on the school run from both my parents and his. It's just this sudden ,totally last minute announcement he is going out that has given me the rage. Perhaps a fair compromise would be for him to forgo the tickets for one of the nights but I can't see it happening.

LittleBearPad Sun 10-Mar-13 16:53:25

I am astounded. What an utter arse. Is he an agent for stand up comics? I presume not so why the need to go out three times in two/three weeks.

What did his parents say?

HecateWhoopass Sun 10-Mar-13 16:56:47

I assume that he takes equal care of his children, does his share of the housework and takes time with the baby to let you rest and recover from having given birth? or is it more a case of 'if i want to do it, I'm doing it, when I want to do it and sod you.'

You are not being a miserable cow. He is behaving as though he doesn't have a newborn child and a wife who has just given birth and a couple of pre-schoolers and that it isn't up to him to take equal care of his children.

He is wrong.

I mean, who the hell thinks ooh, there's some shows on, I will buy tickets for two nights, one after the other, we'll have a newborn baby, but who cares, my wife will have just given birth, she can deal with a newborn baby and two small children for two nights on the trot, and whenever else I feel like it.

It's just the attitude that is wrong. Going out is not automatically wrong. It depends on so many things. Telling the other person beforehand and making sure they'll be ok for one! But I'm going screw you - that's not fair.

Can his mum talk some sense into him?

This really isn't one of those things you have to compromise on. It's absurd for him to go at all.

Lizzylou Sun 10-Mar-13 16:58:10

What Alibaba said, every word.
Is he usually so selfish? What did his mom say?

Why do some people not understand the concept that two people have had a baby together? Two parents have a new baby and two parents have to look after that baby. Two parents have to plan and work together and support each other and their other children. Why does your DH (and I use the D ironically) think it's OK to swan around acting like a single bloke as you look after three children, one of whom is 1 WEEK OLD?

HecateWhoopass Sun 10-Mar-13 17:00:07

He forgot.

Yeah, course he did.

And I am a 25 yr old, 5ft9 leggy blonde.

He deliberately didn't tell you until now so that you wouldn't have time to get cross with him.

Tell her and leg it.

Forgot. pah. How stupid does he think you are?

Bobyan Sun 10-Mar-13 17:00:18

Flush the tickets down the loo and then tell him to fuck off to the far side of fuck.

Mugglewhump Sun 10-Mar-13 17:02:28

I have no idea why the need to go out to see so many comedy nights! He actually doesn't go out that often, perhaps once every few weeks to the pub with mates. It seem a lot of comedians are doing warm up gigs at a local theatre, so cheap tickets and a chance to see some well known comedians before they start their big tours.

He will have had 2 weeks paternity leave, then he is away in Prague for a week. I was 2 weeks overdue when Ds was born a week ago so if he had arrived on time he would have been a month old.

He is a pretty hands on Dad and does bath the kids every night but is not very helpful on the housework front. I am just astounded by his total lack of understanding why I am upset.

Cherriesarelovely Sun 10-Mar-13 17:02:47

Errrr.....right! What a selfish git! Of course Yanbu, how completely inconsiderate. Hope you are able to make it clear to him just how unfair his arrangements are. Sorry you are on your own on Mother's Day evening having been busy all day with your children too.

JethroTull Sun 10-Mar-13 17:04:10

YANBU & how incredibly thoughtless & rude of him to call you a selfish cow. I'd let him go & then next weekend tell him at 6pm on Friday that you 'forgot' you we're going away for the weekend then leave for a friends house. He'll soon remember how hard it is looking after 3 children.

Cherriesarelovely Sun 10-Mar-13 17:04:18

It doesn't really matter if he got the tickets but the forgot or whatever, he knows exactly how hard you are working looking after your Dcs and your newborn, he needs to give the ticket to someone else and to do it in good grace!

Inertia Sun 10-Mar-13 17:05:20

Yanbu. Your H is being an arse.

I'd be asking if his mum can stay later than planned to help with bath / bed for the older children as h is going out and you are struggling. With a bit of luck she'll bollock him for you.

TheNebulousBoojum Sun 10-Mar-13 17:05:45

What Hecate said (isn't there an icon for that yet? smile

He's behaving like an irresponsible teenager. Does he switch his phone off too? Blame you when things go wrong? Find honest apologies difficult?

ImperialBlether Sun 10-Mar-13 17:06:09

OP, he seems to take care of himself, booking himself three nights out in a month when you've just given birth.

Does he take care of you? Do you feel loved by him?

Today was Mothers' Day. You took the children to your mum's - he had time to himself then? Then his family were coming round - who was cooking the meal?

Did you get any kind of rest today? A nice present? A lie in? Anything?

Softlysoftly Sun 10-Mar-13 17:08:30

Its fine just say very very calmly "if you choose to leave this house you are showing just how little you care for the DCs and I. I'll be unable to forget that but its your choice".

Then walk away and bloody mean it.

Don't give him the benefit of being emotional or having to be the one to "ban" him going out.

Nanny0gg Sun 10-Mar-13 17:10:06

It's not only that he's thoughtless and inconsiderate, it's also weird(to my mind) that he actually wants to go out at this stage. I know not everyone finds newborns that interesting, but when it's your own...

Dirtymistress Sun 10-Mar-13 17:11:07

Tell him he's welcome to go...and that he will find the charred remains of everything he owns in a small, smoking pile in the garden when he returns. Oh and could he leave his door key on the way out. My dp is far too terrified of me to contemplate such ridiculous behaviourgrin

loubielou31 Sun 10-Mar-13 17:12:00

I'm glad his mum was cross too. He is being an arse and I suspect he knows this which is why he got defensive, not an excuse for calling you names though.
He should really give away at least one of the nights tickets.

nickelbabe Sun 10-Mar-13 17:15:59

the very least he can do (leaving aside that he's a knobhead right now) is to make sure that before he leaves, the 2 older children are bathed, pyjamad and tucked up in bed with you and the baby. he should also make sure that he has made you a big flask of tea, sorted you out with a jug of water, family bag of crisps, pizza and chocolate. if you have a tv in your room then get that on and have a duvet evening with the kids.
he can sleep on the settee when he gets in.
then tomorrow yoy can stay in bed with the baby while he looks after the itger 2 (and you of course) and repeat tomorrow evening.

ENormaSnob Sun 10-Mar-13 17:19:35

He is a selfish cunt.

I would throw a strop. They are his children too and its painfully inconsiderate.

Skygirls Sun 10-Mar-13 17:28:51

I am [shocked] at his behavior! What a total DH! Find the ticket for tomorrow when he's in the loo or out of the way and conveniently lose it/ destroy it. Then if he asks where it is/ have you seen it, you just shrug and don't know anything!

JamieandtheMagicTorch Sun 10-Mar-13 17:30:08

How dare he call you a miserable cow!

Skygirls Sun 10-Mar-13 17:31:28

DH meaning d**khead. Even my hubby raised his eyebrows when I showed him this thread and said it's not on.

Yama Sun 10-Mar-13 17:39:06

Of course YANBU. He is treating you like shit just when you are at your most vulnerable.

Why isn't he worried that you won't forgive him?

He might, just might be allowed to get away with it if your baby had been a firstborn and he didn't really "get it", but he knows what's involved with small children and I think his behaviour is well out of order. How you get round it I don't know but the one being unreasonable here is most definitely NOT YOU.

Tailtwister Sun 10-Mar-13 17:48:05

Another YANBU! He should be at home with you, pulling his weight.

I remember these early newborn/toddler days well (although I only had 1 toddler not 2 under 5!) and bedtime was the most difficult point of the day. Can he at least stay and help until the children are in bed?

Mugglewhump Sun 10-Mar-13 17:48:46

I did get breakfast in bed and a card and present which he had bought for the children to give me. He has also cooked tea (roast lamb) and says he will get the 22 month old bathed and in bed before he goes out. I didn't really have to do anything today as when I visited my mum we ate cake and my parents entertained the children. Dh stayed at home to get on with jobs (DIY stuff)

He honestly doesn't seem to think it is unreasonable to be going out tonight and tomorrow as apparently the tickets were bought months ago and he told me at the time [hmmm] He certainly did not! His parents have just left and his Mum gave me a big hug whilst I blubbed on her shoulder and offered to stay this evening but she doesn't drive and they have to take Great grandma home.

I feel terrible that they got caught up in our domestic as it was the first time Great Grandma had seen ds and only the second time they had seen him. I spent most of their visit in a huff upstairs trying to calm myself down. My Mum is not his biggest fan and when she finds out about this she will be v cross. He has reacted by saying "so I am not allowed to go out now then and have to stay at home until you say I can go out?"

I am not so petty as to forbid him to go out but he needs to be under no illusion that I am not happy and feel let down and upset. I am not going to just brush it under the carpet to assuage his guilt. If I was bottle feeding I could just go out if I wanted but I choose to breastfeed and am happy with this and the fact it does tie me to ds. I do not want to go out at the moment and am too bloody knackered as I am up in the night feeding.

Thank you all for your comments and support, I need to calm down and have a think about how I will discuss this tomorrow with DH in a more rational and less tearful, hysterical way.

noblegiraffe Sun 10-Mar-13 18:03:28

I was thinking I'd have said 'no you're not' but I wouldn't have to because my DH isn't a complete twat and would have realised himself that it wasn't on and not bought the tickets in the first place.

My DH checked it would be ok for him to go out next week, and we only have a 7 week old and a 3 year old.

CockyPants Sun 10-Mar-13 18:11:04

Cut his balls off.
Or change the locks and leave his shit outside on the drive...

Twattybollocks Sun 10-Mar-13 18:18:07

He is being a selfish twat. I would take rather a dim view of my dh doing this and my older kids are 6 and 8 so well able to get themselves ready for bed, and dc3 is 5wo so I'm pretty much back to normal and she is more predictable (allegedly anyway)
At 1 week old I would have had a complete meltdown if he had suggested leaving me for more than a couple of hours for his own entertainment.

Crawling Sun 10-Mar-13 18:27:14

OMG im just shocked he is being a grade A twat.

Coconutty Sun 10-Mar-13 18:34:35

Do you know what? If you've had a day of not doing much, dinner cooked and your parents entertaining your children, he will bath and put to bed the toddler then I honestly wouldn't mind.

I would be a bit fucked off with him going out again tomorrow but make him cook dinner, bath and bed the kids then wouldn't mind too much. I'd get all the newborn cuddles and the remote control.

ReluctantBeing Sun 10-Mar-13 18:37:52

I would not be happy. Did he not want the last child or something?

Lambzig Sun 10-Mar-13 18:38:30

He is being unutterably selfish. I have a four month old DS and DD3 and am a bit miffed that DH is going out twice next week (very unusually), so he is on duty this afternoon and bathing the kids while i have my feet up to make up for it. Also, at least he had the decency to ask a couple of weeks ago if those dates were ok with me.

Your DH is being ridiculous. I know he probably cant help the Prague thing, but he ought to be putting in extra time right now to make up for it.

I agree with skipping a bath one night out of the two, but I do think that you need to tell him its not on.


ChaoticisasChaoticdoes Sun 10-Mar-13 18:52:52

"so I am not allowed to go out now then and have to stay at home until you say I can go out?"

For that manipulative piece of shit I'd be replying "I won't ban you from going out but if you do I will lose a lot of respect for you."

Oh, and I'd insist he bathes and puts to bed both older DC too.

doctorhamster Sun 10-Mar-13 18:54:38

With a week old baby you can legitimately rip his bollocks off and blame it on the hormones. No judge in the land would convict you as long as the judge is female.

He's bang out of order.

Branleuse Sun 10-Mar-13 18:59:45

harry fucking hill??? HIBU

Mugglewhump Sun 10-Mar-13 19:02:38

well he has gone out. sad leaving me crying on the bed. he has bathed ds (22 months)
n baby
He has not apologised and instead simply chosen to ignore the fact I am upset and was all happiness and light over tea, engaging in conversalf tion with the children. I could not even bring myself to speak to him. He has justified his behaviour with convincing himself that I am being hormonal and trying to control him. He came over to say goodbye and despite clearly seeing me crying just walked out and left.

I think its clear this is a major problem and him pretending its ok and ignoring me is not on. Its just so sad that we have a beautiful newborn baby and that a night out is more important to him than his wife. Where do I go from here? Would this be a deal breaker for you?

Mugglewhump Sun 10-Mar-13 19:03:22

well he has gone out. sad leaving me crying on the bed. he has bathed ds (22 months)
n baby
He has not apologised and instead simply chosen to ignore the fact I am upset and was all happiness and light over tea, engaging in conversalf tion with the children. I could not even bring myself to speak to him. He has justified his behaviour with convincing himself that I am being hormonal and trying to control him. He came over to say goodbye and despite clearly seeing me crying just walked out and left.

I think its clear this is a major problem and him pretending its ok and ignoring me is not on. Its just so sad that we have a beautiful newborn baby and that a night out is more important to him than his wife. Where do I go from here? Would this be a deal breaker for you?

Mugglewhump Sun 10-Mar-13 19:04:06

whoops posted twice ,one handed typing whilst feeding baby.

Afrodizzywonders Sun 10-Mar-13 19:05:07

Personally, i'd have hit the roof, yadnbu.

ChairmanWow Sun 10-Mar-13 19:07:45

"so I am not allowed to go out now then and have to stay at home until you say I can go out?"

To which I would respond 'Got it in one'. I'd have absolutely no problem in making him stay in. If he sulks then just go into another room and let him stew - much like you've had to for much of the afternoon. You just don't get to do this with a newborn. That's life.

Not sure about showing him the thread, but some PPs' examples of DPs would help. I'll add my own in. I'm 39 weeks pregnant and DH hasn't had more than one beer for about 3 weeks now. I've had to tell him to go out because he doesn't want to be presumptive and make arrangements when I'm having a hard pregnancy and we have a toddler. Even then he only goes somewhere nearby in case things start happening. It's what being a supportive partner is all about.

If he goes out then I second what PP said. Stick your key in the lock so he can't get back in. He doesn't deserve a comfy bed while you're up half the night feeding.

Afrodizzywonders Sun 10-Mar-13 19:09:10

Omg, cross posted....he's bloody gone out!!
I have a 3 month old and toddler, my DH wouldn't have done that to me, you need to sort this out with him. I'd get your family and his to have words...if he won't take it from you then, get their backing.

So what if you ARE hormonal? You have just given birth. You are probably also tired, still healing, exhausted, dealing with establishing BFing and getting fuck all sleep. This should mean that he is caring, supportive and kind to you, much more than normal. He thinks it is an excuse to ignore your feelings.

It might not be a deal breaker but the nasty comments and lying that he told you might be.

CockyPants Sun 10-Mar-13 19:19:47

I'd like to nominate him for
Cunt of the Day.

landofsoapandglory Sun 10-Mar-13 19:24:02

You are supposed to be hormonal when you have just given birth FFS! He is a bastard of the highest order!

Don't cry, though Muggle because your new baby will pick up on it, as will your other DC and you could be in for a difficult night. You have done nothing wrong. You are not a miserable cow. The person in the wrong here is him and only him.

If I were you I'd get the DC to bed early and have as early a night as possible and spend the day at my mum's tomorrow.

Have a (hug), a brew, some flowers from me.xxx

Yama Sun 10-Mar-13 19:24:06

I don't know about dealbreaker but I certainly wouldn't be able to forgive. Don't think my hormones would allow me.

I am quite a forgiving (and forgetting) type but anyone who wrongs me when I'm vulnerable I have remembered. It sticks.

Mugglewhump Sun 10-Mar-13 19:26:31

I do not want to control him and tell what he can and can't do and I shouldn't have to. If he had told me a few weeks ago and it was just one night and he hadn't been out for a while then although I wouldn't have been thrilled it would have been fine.

I do appreciate that I have not done an awful lot today apart from the usual washing up, washing clothes and the general stuff that comes with having 3 kids. It was nice he cooked tea but i don't think that is much too much to expect in the circumstances. His Mum told him she thought he shouldn't go out but he doesn't really listen to her and his Dad doesn't want to get involved which is fair enough as its our problem to sort out.

We have had issues in the past in our relationship usually regarding housework and his lack of help, which will end up in us having a big row and then us coming to a compromise with him saying he will help more and me trying to be less snappy and relax a bit more as I am a bit ocd about the house being clean and tidy. I predict in the morning he will pretend nothing has happened and avoid any discussion unless I bring it up. If he is still determined he is going out again tomorrow night it will definitely mean its time for me to issue some ultimatums.

Daffodilly Sun 10-Mar-13 19:29:52

YADNBU. He is. With a one week old DC3 he should be looking after the other two in between waiting on you hand and foot, leaving you to recover and look after newborn.

Was he at the birth?? Perhaps he needs reminding of what your body went through a week ago (not to mention the preceding 9 months). You are still recovering.

Wrack him with guilt and then at bare minimum compromise with him going out AFTER feeding you all, putting DC 1 and 2 to bed and ensure you and newborn are on sofa with everything you can possibly need within reach. Surely the good acts don't come on until later so he won't miss much.

P.S. congratulations on new baby and good luck with 3. We are 3 months into baby #3 and its been crazy but wonderful.

youmaycallmeSSP Sun 10-Mar-13 19:34:15

Put your key on the lock and ignore all noise.

youmaycallmeSSP Sun 10-Mar-13 19:35:40

P.S. total sympathy for you. I'm having the same kind of rubbish and am trying to work out whether it's a deal breaker or not. Absolutely horrible kind of situation.

Gawd Muggle he is being a selfish shit, I am sorry you're having to deal with this.

If he had genuinely forgotten, a decent bloke would have said "Oh shit I'd forgotten about my comedy tickets - would you mind if I went to one of them?" And rehomed at least one of the tickets ASAP.

To just tell you he's going out and 'stuff you' is utter twattery. sad

...and how would he feel if you went out 2 nights in a row?

quesadilla Sun 10-Mar-13 19:41:21

To be honest I think going out at night at more or less any time in the first two to three weeks after the arrival of a baby is a bit out of order. I would have thrown a wobbler if my DH had. You are physically wrecked, often emotionally all over the place and certainly sleep deprived. Then chuck in two older children and you have a nightmare. One night would have been insenditive at that point in the post both time. Two is taking the piss. If its any comfort I have heard tons of horror stories about otherwise ok blokes who behave like 24 carat arses in the weeks immediately after their oh gives birth and who then have a word with themselves and grow up. So he may be having a bit of man flu PND. But I would be having stern words and don't let him get away with this miserable cow guilt tripping,

quesadilla Sun 10-Mar-13 19:42:48

Post birth time, not post both time,

xigris Sun 10-Mar-13 19:45:25

Definitely definitely YNBU. You're being a saint. It's really not fair and yes, I agree with the other posts that have pointed out that you're still very much recovering after only giving birth a week ago let alone caring for two other under 5s. Show him this thread!! thanks for you

Tuppytuptup Sun 10-Mar-13 19:48:53

Key in the door every time. Give him a wake up call the cunt.

IsItMeOr Sun 10-Mar-13 19:49:21

DH is surprised you have had sex with this man three times.

I think that means YANBU and your H is being an enormously selfish excuse of a father.

He really shouldn't need telling this. But DH's instant response was that he should obviously be giving the tickets away.

Hope you've managed to get both the older DCs in bed now and settled down having newborn cuddles.

ClippedPhoenix Sun 10-Mar-13 19:52:29

Oh OP I really feel for you. He's clearly one of those who thinks he's far more important that you.

I personally can't stand this type of man, he won't change either. It's an inbread type of selfishness that will never be erradicated.

Forester Sun 10-Mar-13 19:54:14

If it's any consolation you've probably put rather a dampner on his night out. I suspect that he just got himself into a position where he didn't want to back down - rather than not recognising that you were upset. But he's definitely in the wrong. I don't think it's a deal breaker but I do think you need to have a conversation with him (maybe in a few days time when you're feeling a bit calmer) to explain why this was such an issue to you and hopefully he'll acknowledge then he was out of order.

NoTimeForS Sun 10-Mar-13 19:55:47

How could he go out to enjoy a comedy show leaving you crying on the bed? Does he not like you at all? sad

He has behaved absolutely terribly. If I was his mum I would have told him he stayed in or I would bloody disown him. Seriously. What a prick.

Ledkr Sun 10-Mar-13 19:55:51

Jeeeze is it just me but one week post birth I was still being looked after and not really expected to do much but care for the baby.
Does he realise that pregnancy and birth are not like sneezing and you feel pretty shit for a while after?
You obviously can't leave with a newborn but maybe you need to evaluate things and plan to do him the same courtesy when the baby is older and take your time too. Let's hope the selfish cunt gets the noro virus so that you can leave him to cope alone and not give him a scrap of sympathy.
Considering he's such a miserable twat he sees a lot of comedy btw grin

Ledkr Sun 10-Mar-13 19:57:51

Oh yeah and spit in his tea clean the toilet with his toothbrush and put dog food in his dinner then sit back and enjoy.grin

Ashoething Sun 10-Mar-13 19:58:00

I am very sad for you op-my dh did something very similiar when I had our 3rd-basically decided to throw a party the day I got out of hosp-c section btw-and then left me to entertain everyone while he buggered off out. Tbh I still massively resent him for it now.

I would be telling him in no uncertain terms that he is NOT going out tomorrow-its not controlling him at all its letting him no that he can no longer behave like a single man. If he went out tomorrow any way then yes to me that would be a deal breaker.

Arithmeticulous Sun 10-Mar-13 20:00:22

You had a baby a week ago - you were supposed to spend today not doing much.

ChairmanWow Sun 10-Mar-13 20:11:10

*I'd like to nominate him for
Cunt of the Day.*

Seconded! Key in the door, make him a Mumsnet Cunt of the Day award and stick it in the window.

Mugglewhump Sun 10-Mar-13 20:14:20

thank you all for being so lovely. I don't feel quite so alone. older children now in bed and ds feeding and will be for next few hours!

I feel exhausted and will try to get some sleep soon. I will update tomorrow and see if DH has any contrition. If he decides to go out again tomorrow I may suggest he go and stay at his Mums for a few nights as he will not be welcome to come home. I will cope and perhaps it will be the wake up call that he needs as I don't think he will get an awful lot of sympathy from his Mum. I will also make sure that our friends all know what a shit he has been.

ZenNudist Sun 10-Mar-13 20:14:23

Oh you poor thing. It's not just how ridiculously selfish and entitled he's being, it's the lack of respect that would get to me.

Its such a shame you're made to look like a killjoy because of his thoughtless behaviour. No reasonable and caring man in his situation would bugger off and leave you to it. Also it's not hormones to expect some support when you've just had a baby!

ZenNudist Sun 10-Mar-13 20:16:20


Good for you, best tackle this now rather than be browbeaten into a simmering state of resentment. He needs kicking into touch!

AThingInYourLife Sun 10-Mar-13 20:20:48

He is trying to accuse you of being controlling here?!

So basically he thinks the children (as well as the house) are nothing to do with him.

He can come and go as he pleases just like a person with no children because you are on 24/7 childcare duty.

When you share a full time responsibility with another person, you need to check whether they are agreeable to shouldering your share of the burden if you want to be elsewhere.

To presume they will do your share of the work without asking, without discussion, without notice FFS, is controlling.

He has forced you into having the evening he chose for you while he is elsewhere.

This would be a total dealbreaker for me. I could not be with a man who thought so little of me that he would go out two night in a row when we had a week old baby and two older children.

I'd also be wondering if his sudden interest in comedy nights was a sign that he had another new interest if the OW kind.

Satine5 Sun 10-Mar-13 20:20:55

Mugglewhump, I feel so sorry for you! I would personally rip your DHs balls if I could. What a twat! I can't believe he is leaving you with a week old baby. This is the definition of selfish.
Great plan about kicking him out for a bit. What a selfish bastard!

KatOD Sun 10-Mar-13 20:26:05

I'd like to third the motion from CockyPants and ChairmanWow. Mugglewhump, we're not being nice, we're just being honest. This is spectacularly and unusually selfish behaviour!!

In the interest of giving your other half the benefit of the doubt, could it be that he's suffering from post natal depression (I'm really scrabbling around for an explanation here as I just don't understand how he could do this...)?

ClippedPhoenix Sun 10-Mar-13 20:29:15

Yes, OP I agree with telling him to get out and go to his mothers for the foreseeable future.

If I was his mother I'd tell him to go stay in a hotel too.

Weissdorn Sun 10-Mar-13 20:33:11

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

KristinaM Sun 10-Mar-13 20:33:59

Once he realised that the baby would only week old he should have give the tickets for BOTH nights away to a friend. Who is he going to these comedy nights with? If his mates have children I would have thought they would think it was a bit off.or are they all young, free and single ?

Ledkr Sun 10-Mar-13 20:39:59

Op is this new behaviour? Did he do the same when the others were born? Is he pleased with the new baby?
It really does seem odd behaviour.
Most blokes are still on paternity leave at this stage and practically take over!

Mugglewhump Sun 10-Mar-13 20:40:25

AThing I am pretty sure there is no OW as I saw a text from his friend arranging to meet him at 7 at the venue. He has gone with a friend who is single and another who has 2 kids and i think will be pretty surprised to see him there. Perhaps he will talk some sense into him.

YellowAndGreenAndRedAndBlue Sun 10-Mar-13 20:46:48

I'd be tempted to text him and tell him not to come home tonight, rather than wait another night. Dn't really see why he should get to have his nice fun evening out tonight the selfish thing, at least if you text him not t come home he will have to think about what he has done.

Loislane78 Sun 10-Mar-13 20:48:46

Tell him you had your own comedy entertainment at home with the nice ladies at MN who came up with 101 different ways to call him a selfish twunt and gave you some good suggestions for revenge smile. Beware Mr Muggle, beware, you know not what might be in your next cup of tea....

Congrats on your new arrival btw smile

Mugglewhump Sun 10-Mar-13 20:52:27

He did not do the same when the other 2 children were born. He is pleased with the new baby but has probably not been as involved with him as with the other 2 when they were born as he has been occupied with looking after the older children. I am breastfeeding so he doesn't have to get up in the night at all. He has offered to change nappies during the night but it's so much hassle waking him up I can't be bothered as its easier to quickly do it myself. Ds always does a big poo straight after a feed when I am awake anyway.

Yfronts Sun 10-Mar-13 21:00:39

He is being very selfish. Let him go home to his mummy

dopeysheep Sun 10-Mar-13 21:04:55

Ring the venue and get them to put a message out for him, something along the lines of "FAO Mr Muggles, father of week old baby, you have left your wife home alone with three children, one a newborn. Hope you enjoy your night. Don't bother coming home."

Doubt they'd relay it but it would serve him right.

Coconutty Sun 10-Mar-13 21:12:57

I didn't realise that he would be going out so early and while you were obviously upset. What a total pig, I really hope that you post on here tomorrow that he came home early after realising his mistake and cancels tomorrow.

If he goes out again tomorrow then you really need to consider your options.

Mugglewhump Sun 10-Mar-13 21:17:12

No contact from DH. He is too cowardly to send a text to see if we are all ok and hoping that we will all be soundly asleep when he comes home and I will have forgiven him and all will be sweetness and light in the morning when he wakes up.

Dopeysheep it had crossed my mind to ring the venue and pass a message on to see if the comedian could incorporate it into his act and humiliate Dh in front of the whole audience.

florilegia Sun 10-Mar-13 21:24:20

Dopeysheep makes a good point!

YADNBU, as I think is clear: I'm just so sorry he is doing this.

YouTheCat Sun 10-Mar-13 21:24:29

Which comedian is it?

dopeysheep Sun 10-Mar-13 21:25:34

Ha! That would be amazing. Oh I hope he sorts himself out what a nob.

I think that would be comedy gold for someone. I think DopeySheep is on to something there.

Coconutty Sun 10-Mar-13 21:31:41

DO it, do it!

dreamsicle Sun 10-Mar-13 21:32:23

OP congrats on your new baby! YANBU. I can never understand what gets into some men once they have such a life changing event as the arrival of a new baby and instead of falling over themselves to be supportive they act as if nothing is different.... i don't think for a second this is an excuse for such behaviour but i have seen this sort of behaviour happen in different ways personally and with my friends. It seems to take men much longer to make the adjustment (or even realise they need to be making certain adjustments) once new baby is here, compared to women who have been preparing for it physically and mentally for 9 months. A wake up call would be useful in getting him to see how serious things are and hopefully stepping up in his role as father and partner. He doesn't sound like a bad guy, just someone who hasn't thought it through about his plan to go out and hasn't really put himself in your shoes to understand how difficult he is making life for you. Needs to reassess priorities etc and a constant reminder he now has 2 children AND a newborn baby till he gets it. wish you best of luck

Tallgiraffe Sun 10-Mar-13 21:33:34

I do appreciate that I have not done an awful lot today apart from the usual washing up, washing clothes and the general stuff that comes with having 3 kids.

You gave birth 7 days ago. You should be doing nothing except bf, recovering and having cuddles with your other DC. Seriously you will make yourself ill.

Mugglewhump Sun 10-Mar-13 21:43:01

If he goes out tomorrow I am really seriously considering contacting the venue and asking them to put out an announcement. At risk of outing myself he is going to see Marcus Brigstocke in a very small venue where it is likely some of the audience will know DH as its the town where he is from. Ohh, I would so love it for him to be torn to strips by a stand up. It would be the perfect ,sweet revenge and would certainly hit home grin

Lovely newborn DS is now swaddled and sleeping soundly and I have had a small glass of chilled pinot grigio and half a box of chocolate truffles so am feeling much better.

PureedGoodness Sun 10-Mar-13 21:48:44

YANBU i would be seriously pissed off.

KatOD Sun 10-Mar-13 21:49:36

Good for you. You sound like Wonder Woman. After a week with my dd I could barely get myself fed and watered let alone manage with two other little people and it wouldn't have been an option for my DH to go out. Really sorry your partner has decided to be so childish and selfish.

YouTheCat Sun 10-Mar-13 21:50:39

Marcus Bridgstock has kids. I reckon he'd understand where you are coming from.


I love the idea of putting an announcement out!

"If there is a Mr Muggle in the room, Mrs Muggle would like you to know that you are not welcome at home tonight. Please stay at your mum's. She'd like to see you and tell you what a cock you're being."

(I don't think he's being unreasonable about work btw. If he has to work away, he has to work away, but he should help you put support in place)

NonnoMum Sun 10-Mar-13 21:52:31

OK Congrats on newborn. Here's my tuppence...

In t'olden days mothers stayed in hospital for TWO WEEKS before they were even allowed home or had to consider cooking/cleaning/looking after toddlers whilst they got over the birth...

The two weeks after the birth are precious. Whatever you say, goes. If you say I NEED SUPPORT/LOVE/CARE/ A BREAK/ SLEEP ETC ETC then absolutely fine.

Harry Hill would agree. He was trained as a doctor. Solicitor in the morning....

Sorry. But your DH needs a spank. Show him this post. I'll have a word with the selfish foolish babyish twat if needs be. Is he highly uneducated or from a different culture. I'll have a word with his mother too if needs be.

I don't think Marcus Brigstocke would be impressed with him either - he may well be up for castigating him in public!

ravenAK Sun 10-Mar-13 21:55:04

Dh used to be mates with MB...let me just see if he still has a number for him...wink.

Arithmeticulous Sun 10-Mar-13 21:55:11

So who is going to tweet a link to this thread to Marcus Brigstocke?

ravenAK Sun 10-Mar-13 21:56:09

<just checked> nope...they lost touch a few years ago apparently! I'd go down the twitter route...

INeverSaidThat Sun 10-Mar-13 21:56:19

OP why don't you send a link of this thread to Marcus B?

Go on, you never know ?

ChairmanWow Sun 10-Mar-13 21:56:25

Come on OP. You know you can't resist! It would be the most amazing revenge story ever...

YouTheCat Sun 10-Mar-13 21:57:21

In case anyone does, I thought he was jolly good in Spamalot. grin

Marcus sounds exactly like the kind of comedian you want to do a hatchet job on your DH.

Mugglewhump Sun 10-Mar-13 22:03:28

Oh god, don't tempt me. let me sleep on it! grin I don't have a twitter account but could easily set one up. Please don't anyone else send the link to him.

Do you think the threat could make Mumsnet classics if I did? I could play the weak, forgiving wife all day tomorrow, knowing that I had provided a potential rocket up DH's arse come the evening, mwahaaaa!

Mugglewhump Sun 10-Mar-13 22:06:02

Well I am off to bed and will update tomorrow on my decision wink

KatOD Sun 10-Mar-13 22:07:03

Do it do it do it!

youmaycallmeSSP Sun 10-Mar-13 22:08:51

Who's on tomorrow night?

narmada Sun 10-Mar-13 22:10:54

Oh do it, please. It would be brilliant.

Sorry you're going through this - he is not treating you fairly no s**t sherlock and I hope he is thoroughly embarrassed. Hope he pulls his socks up soon.

Re the 'helping you' around the house. I had a watershed with my DH when we had a discussion about how he was not 'helping me'. I had to point out I wasn't doyennne of the house, responsible for everything and waiting to have some of my burden taken off me. It was a shared home. It saddens me though that we wimmin are still having to make these sorts of points to our menfolk in the 21st century..

"Mwahaaa" indeed.

KristinaM Sun 10-Mar-13 22:22:32

Please please do it

It was me who posted the Twitter link so I hate myself for being a party pooper, but OP, think very carefully about whether to do anything 'public'. It could make the papers, which might be funny, but probably wouldn't feel it at the time.

For now, I think having 'mwahaaa' thoughts, but not acting on them is probably the best idea grin

Sorry everyone else!

hillyhilly Sun 10-Mar-13 22:32:04

Umm, I'm going to be really controversial here but, he got older kids ready for, or in bed, you've breastfed your tiny one for much of the evening and now you're off to bed? What has he not done that he should have done?
While I totally agree that on the face of it it was v selfish of him to go out, I think that it's worked out ok tonight (but a 2nd nights taking the piss)

narmada Sun 10-Mar-13 22:40:57

Actually, a truth... might have a point there about the papers. That wouldn't be good. Hope you're tucked up in bed with a tummy full of truffles now anyway.

IsItMeOr Sun 10-Mar-13 22:41:02

hilly I read it as he got one of the kids ready for bed, and left OP to sort the oldest. So yes, he's done some of the stuff that a decent husband and father should do, but not all of it. We all know that 22 month olds are hardly the most reliable sleepers, and babies can be all over the place at 1 week old. He's supposed to be there (work requirements excepted), which is why he gets 2 weeks' paternity leave. It's not 2 weeks' holiday so that you can go and watch comedy shows while your doormat of a wife looks after every eventuality at home.

Well, hillyhilly he did leave OP crying and miserable. He could have done something about that...

SoftKittyWarmKitty Sun 10-Mar-13 22:55:22

hilly the point is her 'D'H knew she wanted him at home with her a week after having his baby, and he left her crying to go out. He's basically stuck two fingers up at the OP, her feelings and their kids.

chubbychipmonk Mon 11-Mar-13 00:07:31

What an arsehole. I'd be planning a night out of my own for when baby is a bit bigger, 'oh did I forget to mention I'm going out tonight? Expressed milk is in fridge, bath & bed stuff all laid out for kids. . Don't wait up!' grin

ToothGah Mon 11-Mar-13 00:41:00

I'm presuming you mean he's seeing Marcus Brigstocke tomorrow night?

Which is handy. As I am as well grin (like you say, small venue tomorrow night, not so much the one tonight).

I'll happily talk loudly before the gig/ during the interval about men who leave their wives and newborns at home two nights on the trot if you give me your DH's description grin

Monty27 Mon 11-Mar-13 01:31:15


IneedAsockamnesty Mon 11-Mar-13 02:31:41

That would be funny.

Normally when I see titles like yours I am predisposed to saying yabu because well I don't get the drama,that's obviously my issue due to long term single parent status

But I've read your thread and wanted to add another YANBU he's been really selfish and if I were his mother and heard him say that I would give him a talking to or at the very least tell him I was ashamed of his conduct.

ToothGah should be PMed a description or photo and stand next to him loudly telling a funny story she read on MN today.

Lueji Mon 11-Mar-13 03:59:46

I am just astounded by his total lack of understanding why I am upset.
He knows, and that's why he told you at the last minute.

He certainly deserves the key in the lock, or you leaving tomorrow late pm with newborn leaving him in charge of the other two. And no chance of going out.

The thing is that he doesn't think it will be a dealbreaker and that he thinks you will be upset, but ultimately you will stay with him and put up with it.
Are you prepared to draw the line and tell him that he can be a proper husband and father or get the f* out?

GardenPath Mon 11-Mar-13 04:44:06

Kill him

OP, if your DH won't give you the help you require (apart from making dinner, bathing and anything else you may have forgotten to mention) then kicking him out for a few nights strikes me as counterintuitive.

AThingInYourLife Mon 11-Mar-13 07:32:02

Kicking him out is entirely in keeping with the logic of this situation.

If she can be presumed to be permanently 100% responsible for all the children, and he can come and go as he pleases, then what is the point of him?

He's not a parent, he's a passenger.

And he might as well be elsewhere permanently with a visitation schedule.

At the moment his attitude makes him as good as useless.

KristinaM Mon 11-Mar-13 07:33:12

I don't understand why some posters see it as him " helping " her with the children. They are HIS CHILDREN TOO. He doesn't need to give her the help she needs. He needs to accept his responsibilities as a father .

Lueji Mon 11-Mar-13 07:41:54

And that's why removing one self and leaving him in charge of the house and the other two children could be a good reality check.

I agree that keeping him out for a few nights is not productive.
He needs to know he must take his responsibilities seriously or will have to move out for good.
Anything else he won't take notice.
Clearly, reasoning and seeing his wife distressed, or even being told off by his mother is not enough.

skinoncustard Mon 11-Mar-13 07:45:12

If he was my son I wouldn't miss him !!!! He would be going nowhere when I had finished ' explaining the errors of his ways' and he would regret big time trying to use me as a 'shield'. So sorry you are in this position at a time which should be special to you both . Xx

YellowAndGreenAndRedAndBlue Mon 11-Mar-13 07:46:38

I agree with AThing.

BeckAndCall Mon 11-Mar-13 07:50:55

I agree with athing too - that's exactly what I want to say - if you can manage without him at the most demanding time of your family life, as he expects you can- what is the point of him? He may as well go - he won't be needed in the future, either.

(I might just be experiencing transference here - likewise had a newborn, two under fives, 6 days post c-section, first day home, DH went to work for the afternoon. Resentful, moi?)

Soditall Mon 11-Mar-13 07:52:27

He is a wanker!

I can't understand any man choosing to not be with they're partner so soon after they've had a baby and to choose to away from your child so soon after they've been born I think is unforgivable.

What would happen if you were ill or one of the children were?

Sugarice Mon 11-Mar-13 07:55:58

He is a thoughtless selfish arse!

Looking forward to your update Muggle

Pilgit Mon 11-Mar-13 08:53:49

He is being a wanker. Love the idea of contacting the venue for tonight and asking the stand-up to give him a very public kicking. Sounds like what he needs! The complete lack of consideration of some men never ceases to amaze me. I have a 12 week old and a 4 year old and my DH has felt guilty about being away for work and did the night shift when he got back to give a break!

Ooh. Please do tweet him. Go on.

My DH cooked dinner for 6 months after DD was born. And did all the housework. I'm not saying that to be all smug, look at my nice DH - he just felt that I was feeding the baby so he could feed me. Seemed like a good deal to me.

mama04 Mon 11-Mar-13 11:39:13

Seriously? Leave him! shock He sounds like a selfish tw@t sending big hugs thanks x

Mugglewhump Mon 11-Mar-13 14:23:50

Sorry taken so long to update. I decided not to Tweet Marcus Brigstocke as I have had chance to calm down and be rational. Probably not a good idea in the cold light of day grin

DH arrived home at 10pm and we had "a long chat". He admitted he had been a tosser and apologised. He said that he appreciates the way he told me at the last minute that he was going out, and that I had no say in the matter wasn't acceptable. He knows it wasn't so much his actual going out but the way which he behaved towards me that made me so upset. There has been major grovelling today but then he asked what I thought about him going out again tonight hmm

I told him to have a long, hard think about what was important to him and he then can make his decision based on that. So I am pretty sure he won't be going tonight but we will wait and see, watch this space!

BeckAndCall Mon 11-Mar-13 14:30:37

Glad to hear this Muggle. It sounds like he had a mad moment or two and just didn't do any thinking - just tried to carry on as normal even though family life is suddenly nothing like normal.

I suspect we'll all let him off the hook now - unless he does decide to go tonight after all!

Sugarice Mon 11-Mar-13 14:31:21

If he has an ounce of common sense he will not go out tonight otherwise you would have to question the sincerity of today's grovelling.

Lueji Mon 11-Mar-13 14:32:27

Fingers crossed he'll have come to his senses. smile

And that it lasts...

That and pulling his weight at home, particularly now with 3 children.

AThingInYourLife Mon 11-Mar-13 14:43:54

I can't believe he asked about tonight grin


Oh for god's sake.

I don't think he really does understand what a tosser he was, if he wants to go out again tonight.

AThingInYourLife Mon 11-Mar-13 14:44:43

Fucking chancer!

MissMalteser Mon 11-Mar-13 14:48:24

I agree with dreamingbohemian, there's no way he is taking your feelings seriously if he had the audacity to ask what you thought about him going out tonight again! That would just undermine all his previous grovelling for me.

Bobyan Mon 11-Mar-13 14:50:05

Nothing has actually changed then, has it.

JuliaScurr Mon 11-Mar-13 14:57:24

would he look after dc's properly on his own? if so, do the same right back at him

GregBishopsBottomBitch Mon 11-Mar-13 14:58:38

Yeah, i think hes just saying what his thinks he needs to say to get back in the good books, dont let him of the hook so easily, make him fucking squirm.

INeverSaidThat Mon 11-Mar-13 15:06:33

Grovelling is good. grin

Ok, I know this is not what most people will think but I would let him go this evening as long as he helps out and is extremely grateful. It is a shame to waste the tickets and you can bank the huge and enormous favour that you are doing for him for later use.

He is right that the way he spoke to you last night was totally out of order but I don't see that you are going to be teaching him any new lessons by stopping him going tonight (presuming that he is going on say that he is not going beforehand)

If you let him go then tell him he has to agree that you are the best wife in the world etc etc.

Lueji Mon 11-Mar-13 15:18:29

Yes, let him decide not to go and then agree to let him go at the last minute if all goes well with the children and you are feeling ok.

Whoknowswhocares Mon 11-Mar-13 15:39:49

I certainly wouldn't 'not let' him go out. OP is not his parent or his keeper!

The fact that he may choose to go however will speak absolute volumes. If he is genuinely sorry and accepts that his behaviour was wrong, he will choose not to go. If however, this is a lip service speech to get his own way, he will go. What the OP decides to do with this new realisation about her (and their childrens) importance to him if it happens though, is a far deeper and more serious issue

StanleyLambchop Mon 11-Mar-13 15:54:21

But he is not sorry for leaving you alone with three dc's is he? He only said that the way he told you , without giving you time to discuss it, was unacceptable. Then he asked about tonight, so presumably he thinks to go out tonight is ok as he has now given you the chance to object and you have not said no. He is being a bit sly and trying to get round you so that he can go out tonight IMO. So he is still being thoughtless! Hopefully he will not go out tonight, but from the outside looking in, it looks as though he will still expect to go out, but without the tears from you this time.

AThingInYourLife Mon 11-Mar-13 16:27:36

"He knows it wasn't so much his actual going out but the way which he behaved towards me that made me so upset."

It was both!

And now he has convinced you that it was only his offhand and domineering manner that was the problem.

Seriously, you've been had.

First he tells you at the 11th hour that he's going out in an attempt to avoid objections.

Then when you are upset and asking him not to go, he says you are controlling if you don't accept that he can't be relied on to look after his own children.

He goes out despite how upset you are.

Then he comes home full of fake contrition, convinces you that the only issue was his cruelty and not his expectation of going to comedy night with a week old baby at home.

"Oh of course, I know you're not controlling enough to ever expect me not to do whatever I choose. You're just upset because I wasn't kind as I wiped my feet all over you."

Then he nicely asks if he can go out tonight, which of course must be alright.

Because the only problem yesterday was delivery, not the actual message. Right?

And if you say no when he's asked nicely, then you are controlling.

Because leaving his children in your care is his right, whether or not you are agreeable.

Because he's the important one.

Not very respectful asking to go out again, he's behaving like a child making you behave like the parent

BionicEar Mon 11-Mar-13 16:31:41

I find it really sad that your DH hasn't grasp the fact that you NEED him at home to support you with your children.

It sounds as though he puts himself FIRST before HIS FAMILY. He choose to have a family with you, therefore it's not a choice, but a commitment and his duty to stand alongside you in taking care of and meeting the needs of your children together as a couple.

I really hope that he thinks long and hard about his actions, and his plans for the future, because if he is letting you down now at this stage, what is he going to be like a few weeks, months or years down the line?

You need to be strong and tell him that your family comes first and put your foot down. Otherwise he will keep prioritising himself over you and the children.

Hope that this is just "jittery we have another baby" panic on your DH behalf and resolves itself asap.

Much unmumsnet hugs.

YouTheCat Mon 11-Mar-13 16:40:46

Pretty much what Athing said.

He's placating you but he has overstepped the mark hugely. If he does go out tonight, that will speak volumes.

SneakyNinja Mon 11-Mar-13 16:44:56

Still sounds like he's being a twat to be honest. Can't fucking stand the manipulative 'How would YOU feel about me going out tonight?' Bullshit that he's trying to pull. He KNOWS how you feel, you have already made it very clear. He's just trying to play on the whole 'I want to be a good wifey and don't want to nag/ be moody/ control him mentality that blokes like that play on.

Call his bluff OP. Just say 'Im not responsible for your actions twunt But Yes, In my opinion you would be a selfish prick to go tonight.

It is true- the whole reason that men can have paternity leave if because during those 2 weeks, you need him to be there, by your side, helping out with the house and the new baby, because it's bloody hard work when you're recovering from giving birth (a huge medical trauma to your body).
add to that that you've got 2 other children at home, both of whom still need 100% parental support, and he's really the only one in a position to step up to the plate on this - you're recovering from a huge medical trauma (said twice because it's really important)

Murphy0510 Mon 11-Mar-13 16:47:32

What a total arse.

I hope he decides not to go out tonight. If he does, at least you know where you stand though....

SoftKittyWarmKitty Mon 11-Mar-13 16:50:23

If he goes out tonight, definitely tweet this thread to Marcus. I have a Twitter account and can do that on your behalf if you don't have time to set one up, OP. Just pm me, and your wish will be my command grin.

BlueSkySunnyDay Mon 11-Mar-13 16:59:18

"Considering he's such a miserable twat he sees a lot of comedy" sorry this made me laugh.

I am quite shocked by your husbands behaviour, is he always this inconsiderate? Did he want this new child?

I think if I were hormonal I wouldnt be able to stop myself from locking him out blush

Is he going?

CockyPants Mon 11-Mar-13 17:21:02

Please tweet Brigstocke. Cunt of Yesterday needs a man slap.

GregBishopsBottomBitch Mon 11-Mar-13 17:25:32

Yeah tweet him, because that would be hilarious to be put in his place.

motherinferior Mon 11-Mar-13 17:31:14

He really is living in an alternative universe angry

I seem to remember that a week after having both my babies I was exhausted and non-functional. And actually my partner was pretty damn knackered too what with being on childcare duty 24/7. This is not unusual, dammit, it's how most people operate with new babies. Not swanning off to comedy bloody nights.

Bartlet4America Mon 11-Mar-13 18:25:21

Not saying anything new here, but if that were my DH, I'd probably kill him.

Then bring him back to life, and kill him again. grin all in the name of hormones, of course.

Seriously though, don't let him disrespect you in your role as a Mother to HIS children and don't let him disrespect your children by getting his priorities all fucked up.

Hope you and your DC are okay.

YellowAndGreenAndRedAndBlue Mon 11-Mar-13 18:56:01

I'm agreeing with AThing again. I think he is being extremely manipulative now.

YouTheCat Mon 11-Mar-13 19:16:52

Has he gone out then?

We need to know...

StanleyLambchop Mon 11-Mar-13 21:23:24

I suspect he has gone out, and the OP is now busy with a new born on her own.

ChairmanWow Mon 11-Mar-13 22:21:07

Hope you're okay and working things out OP thanks

KatOD Mon 11-Mar-13 22:21:33

He sounds like a seriously manipulative, spoilt twat. He should be looking after you not playing mind games with you while you're exhausted in order to try to get his own way.

Anyway, I think you prob get the general message here so enough with the husband-bashing for the mo, hope you're ok.

mathanxiety Tue 12-Mar-13 03:32:36

Hoping you will be greeting him with the business end of a heavy duty frying pan if he goes out tonight and dares to return.

He is a knob. Not just for what he has done but for playing mind games with a woman who has a week old baby and two others to care for. That bespeaks a man with some sort of real problem.

mathanxiety Tue 12-Mar-13 03:44:13

And I agree with everything AThing said.

Marcheline Tue 12-Mar-13 03:58:06

He went, didn't he?

Muggle, I hoPe you're ok.

I hope he didn't. I hope he took the babies, sorted them, sent Muggle to bed with a hot water bottle and dealt with everything. Unless you come back OP, that's what I'm going to hope.

zippey Tue 12-Mar-13 05:16:45

What about doing swapsies and you going out and leaving him with children instead? Formula milk for the little one.

The baby's a week old zippey! She doesnt want to go out. She just wants her dh to stop being a nob.

notnagging Tue 12-Mar-13 07:25:37

Alarm bells would be ringing for me op. I'd rather be on my own then with someone that selfish. So what if he cooked & bathed the kids?! That's what you do day in day out. Paternity leave is for help & support not a holiday. I'd also be asking who he's going with. Sorry op but he is a prize twat.

LittleMissFantabulous Tue 12-Mar-13 07:57:45

What a knobrash that man was. I sincerely hope he decided to be a man instead of a muppet and that you all had a lovely evening last night.

Hope you're okay Muggle <un-MN hugs>

Gigaflops Tue 12-Mar-13 08:57:53

Holding thumbs for Muggle - I hope he stayed in last night but fear that the silence means he didn't!! Thinking of you...

Tolly81 Tue 12-Mar-13 19:50:28

Just belatedly read this whole thread about the turd of a husband. Muggle what happened? Hope you're ok and weren't on solo duty again last night flowers

Hope you're ok. Have read all this hoping that he came through... But fear the silence means he failed the test.... sad

SweetSeraphim Wed 13-Mar-13 23:11:09

I think that's fairly obvious, sadly.

fatnfrumpy Thu 14-Mar-13 00:41:49

Came late to this thread!
I suspect the OP DH has not gone out hence why no update.
They are having an early night catching up on sleep!
Ironically Marcus Brigstock is married to a doula and baby massage expert!
I,m pretty sure both of them would not condone a fan for attending a show leaving a newly delivered wife home alone with three youngsters!

SweetSeraphim Thu 14-Mar-13 20:17:01

The second night out was on Monday fatnfrumpy!

landrover Thu 14-Mar-13 21:35:31

bumping to find out what happened?

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