AIBU Mother vs MIL

(54 Posts)
AdmiralData Sun 10-Mar-13 13:28:55

In a nutshell, I am 38 weeks pregnant and am going to have a c-section tomorrow (Monday 11th). I see my dm every week and have done at least twice a week all through this pregnancy. I see my pil very rarely due to mil having two jobs that clash with husbands job. My dm told me that she would be too tired to see me yesterday as she works hard. Therefore the mil made us a nice dinner last night.
There was a small mix up with the mothers day cards, the mil got my dm and my dm got my mil. I switched them round last night but my mother (who KNEW whose cards she had) read the cards intended for mil.
She phoned me this morning, screaming at me because I apparently worship my mil and treat my own dm with no respect whatsoever because ... get this ... I UNDERLINED THE VERSES IN THE CARD A BIT DIFFERENTLY.

I bought them the exact same cards with the exact same verse and added my own little equally touching finishes to both. My 'dm' read the card deliberately and makes digs about mil whenever she can. (This behaviour is nothing new for my 'dm' she has kicked off like this throughout my pregnancy over trivial matters).
It has ruined my day and potentially tomorrow as I cannot stop blaming myself for being a vile human being. Have I been unreasonable for any of the things my 'dm' is annoyed at me for?

CocacolaMum Sun 10-Mar-13 13:31:39

Tell her to grow up. What a shitty thing to do to you especially when you are riding the emotional rollercoaster of pregnancy too.

FiveGoMadInDorset Sun 10-Mar-13 13:32:16

Your mother soounds unhinged and very jealous of your MIL.

NynaevesSister Sun 10-Mar-13 13:32:59

It depends on the verses underlined BUT no YANBU. No one should talk to another person like that esp the day before giving birth. She is out of order to treat you like that even if she did have grounds. You are not a bad person. She was clearly looking for something. She sounds insecure

ChasedByBees Sun 10-Mar-13 13:33:00

Of course not! She sounds horrible to do that to you today when you'll be having a baby tomorrow. Try and forget about it and focus on how exciting it'll be to have your new baby soon thanks

Trills Sun 10-Mar-13 13:34:19

YABU to have bought cards with verses in and underlined them.

AdmiralData Sun 10-Mar-13 13:35:18

You have all saved my sanity <3 I really appreciate it. Tyvm. x

LimboLil Sun 10-Mar-13 13:39:50

ffs I hope I am not so pathetic when my kids are grown up. Even if your mum felt a little bit hurt or insecure that you value your mil more than her, she would have been better to keep quiet and let it go. Forget about it and concentrate on tomorrow, congratulations and wishing you a safe, happy birth.

PrimrosePath Sun 10-Mar-13 13:43:42

How did your mother know the cards were underlined differently?

Your mother is acting a little strange, though. But it won't matter a jot tomorrow, have fun. [

Maggie111 Sun 10-Mar-13 13:45:12

You dm is a cowbag - you ignore her today, and know that the next time you have to deal with her you'll have a beautiful bouncing baby xxx

DeepRedBetty Sun 10-Mar-13 13:47:41

grin trills

Yes your dm is BU, hope all goes well tomorrow.

HotPinkWeaselWearingLederhosen Sun 10-Mar-13 13:48:04

Bollocks to her.

Tomorrow you get to sniff new baby smell envy life's to short to blame yourself for someone else's pettiness

ratspeaker Sun 10-Mar-13 14:01:32

I'd be tempted to tell your mum that it wont happen next year as you will not buy her a card.

But thats not really going to help.

I'd get your DH to buy and send his own card to HIS mum next time and you stick to doing your mums card

Ignore your mum, sounds like she's being a drama queen. Have a calming cup of tea, focus on tomorrow

AdmiralData Sun 10-Mar-13 14:41:53

PrimrosePath, my 'dm' knew they were underlined differently because she phoned me to tell me she had dmil cards and opened them anyway smile Then she opened her cards today.

AdmiralData Sun 10-Mar-13 14:42:26

Hotpink - LOL @ new baby smell. That has made my day x

BabyMakesTheBellyGoRound Sun 10-Mar-13 14:43:36

Best of luck tomorrow OP.

Sounds like the beginning of competitive grandparenting. Best ignored. Don't dwell on it.

amothersplaceisinthewrong Sun 10-Mar-13 14:45:22

Good luck for tomorrow. YOur DM does not deserve you!

DonderandBlitzen Sun 10-Mar-13 14:46:42

Can we know which bits you underlined on dm's and dmil's card?

Cuddlydragon Sun 10-Mar-13 14:47:20

Aww. Life is to short to let her upset you. She's being such a drama queen. The very best of luck tomorrow. This time tomorrow you will have ickle new born cuddles. Too precious to be worrying about your selfish mum.

best of luck tomoorow op. please dont wate a moments worry about this, if your mother wants to act like a brat, let her

Booboostoo Sun 10-Mar-13 14:48:39

Your DM sounds completely unhinged and unreasonable. Put her out of your mind.

Concentrate on having a lovely experience tomorrow and welcoming your new baby to the world!

Iggly Sun 10-Mar-13 14:50:13

You mum sounds mad.

Although why buy exactly the same cards? confused

AdmiralData Sun 10-Mar-13 15:22:40

iggly - I realise how bad it sounds but my MIL/dm situation is so awkward I thought that if they have the same neither could say the others was better??? They do see each other occasionally and mil (bless her) would NEVER say 'Oooooh mine was FANTASTIC' but my 'dm' is underhand enough to enquire about type of card etc. I really realise how bad it sounds but I felt It was the best choice?
As for underlining, it was just underlining the usual bumpf they put on cards like 'nicest day for you' and all that smush. I now hate Mothers Day.

leeloo1 Sun 10-Mar-13 17:04:33

MIL's card "You're the best Mother in the world."

DM's card "You're ^ not ^ the best Mother in the world."

mmmm, I can see why your DM would be upset. grin

ps Put all of this rubbish out of your head. Good luck with the c-section tmrw and remember next year you'll be the one getting lovely Mother's Day cards from your precious baby. smile

GregBishopsBottomBitch Sun 10-Mar-13 17:17:12

Ignore it, and carry on, whining over a bloody card, how pathetic, and especially in your condition and have section tomorrow, how dare she!!

WilsonFrickett Sun 10-Mar-13 17:18:06

Put it right out of your mind and look forward to next mothers' day when you'll have a card from your new baby and a first birthday to plan grin.

Good luck tomorrow.

Chiggers Sun 10-Mar-13 17:19:47

Don't you dare blame yourself for your DM's behaviour. She's the only one to blame for that. Saying that, ignore her histrionics and drama and just look forward to your newborn cuddles. When you go into hospital tomorrow, make it clear to the maternity staff that you don't want you DM to be let in to visit you or your newborn until she can behave like a mature adult, not like a petulant stroppy teenager.

Good luck with the CS tomorrow smile

KLou111 Sun 10-Mar-13 17:42:35

Well, next year don't bloody buy her one!!! She's lucky to have got one at all with what you've got coming up tomorrow.
Just bloody well ignore her, and all the best for your beautiful bundle coming into the world tomorrow xxx

Iggly Sun 10-Mar-13 18:53:02

<mine field>

I would have got your DH to sort out her card!

2rebecca Sun 10-Mar-13 19:21:09

Another reason to let your husband sort out his mother's card.
Must admit I'd rather not get a mothers day card than get one bought and signed by my DIL (assuming my son is still alive). I have 2 kids and if they can't be bothered to get me cards then I'd rather do without than get one sent by another woman out of duty.
It's a bit like the mothers sending their teenagers valentines cards so they don't feel left out thread last month. I'm an adult, I can cope with not getting a bloody card, if you aren't my child please don't send me a mother's day card.
I also object to it for feminist reasons, women shouldn't be doing their husbands jobs just because they are too lazy to do them.
I'd be happy for any DIL to send be a birthday or xmas card, but please not a mothers day card.

"I cannot stop blaming myself for being a vile human being."
Wow, your mother must have been kicking off at you for a very long time for you to think that way sad. You are not vile, but she is.

VikingLady Sun 10-Mar-13 20:54:36

When DH or I get any grief like this (and it happens a lot!) we use it to inform us how not to act towards our DD when she grows up. It's not you, Op - it is her!

Uppermid Sun 10-Mar-13 21:01:47

Why are you getting your mil a card, surely that's your dh job? Se then can't complain! Glad to hear you have a good relationship with her though.

Btw, your dm is being petty and ridiculous

fairylightsinthesnow Sun 10-Mar-13 21:30:21

Can I ask why you bought and wrote the MIL card? She's not your mother, so why didn't your DH do it? All other cards we sign from all of us as a family but my mum's MD one I just sign from me, its about our relationship. Obviously your mother is being crazy and please don't let it overshadow your impending newborn's arrival.

IAmNotAMindReader Sun 10-Mar-13 21:33:16

Its a card. Anyone who can kick up such a stink over a card had some serious control issues.

WinkyWinkola Sun 10-Mar-13 21:40:02

Perhaps you should create a little distance between you and your mother?

She's crackers.

You don't need crackers when you have a baby.

dinkystinky Sun 10-Mar-13 21:42:49

Your mum is a loon OP - ignore her craziness. Hope all goes well with your c sec.

DonderandBlitzen Sun 10-Mar-13 21:52:35

To the best mother in the world

To the best mother fucker grin wink

All the best for tomorrow! thanks

KatOD Sun 10-Mar-13 21:57:57

Your mum clearly has "issues" (is a loon?) it's a shame she made you feel this way when this is clearly her problem.

Tomorrow this crap will all pale into insignificance... Might be worth storing it at the back of your mind so you're prepared for how she's going to be wrt your mil over your new arrival though.

Good luck tomorrow!!

MagicHouse Sun 10-Mar-13 21:58:53

I think your mum was unreasonable to scream at you the day before your c section. But, as a mum, I think I would be quite hurt if my dd (when she grows up) got her MIL identical mothers day cards to me. (And I can see how the different bits underlined, and personal messages added would probably add to the hurt.) I think your mum does sound hurt and very jealous of your relationship with your MIL.

I love being a mum, and I think mother's day is about celebrating your unique relationship with your mum, not your mother in law. Your dh should be getting and writing messages in her card.

But I think you should put it behind you for now, and I think your mum should be big enough to put it to one side while you have tomorrow to think about. Good luck with the c section.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Sun 10-Mar-13 22:17:33

Did you mean to say
"I cannot start blaming myself for being a vile human being"?

I can't guess what's going through your mum's head but don't let it damage any closeness to your MIL. Last thing you need is being made to feel small because at a pivotal time in your marriage you're about to take a big step into your future.

Please try not to let this spoil what is a very special time. By this time tomorrow you will have a lovely DS or gorgeous DD! Can only imagine that your mum is letting her emotions run away with her. Keep calm, focus on tomorrow because you and DH will be a new family with your newborn DC. Is this your pfb, all good wishes x

HotPinkWeaselWearingLederhosen Mon 11-Mar-13 07:33:12

Best of luck and happiness to you today Admiral thanks, I'll be think of you smile

i don't understand why you are buying and writing in a mother's day card for your MIL - surely that is for your dh to do

all the best for today, this won't matter at all once the baby has arrived

Draw some very big boundaries with your mother because if she's like this now she'll be a hundred times worse once the baby is here.

VikingLady Mon 11-Mar-13 09:08:02

Enjoy today - the midwives can keep unwanted visitors out!

flow4 Mon 11-Mar-13 09:21:31

Either your mum is nasty, or she is very frightened about her baby (you) having a CS today and is handling it badly. Only you know enough history to tell which.

But in either case, by tonight when you've got your own lovely baby, it will not be worth thinking about any more. grin Good luck today!

AdmiralData Sun 17-Mar-13 20:32:14

Thank you all! My baby was born safely, a healthy 9lbs. Didn't know that a c-section could be as beautiful an experience as natural birth! Oddly enough my 'dm' and her issues seem like very small fry.

kinkyfuckery Sun 17-Mar-13 20:34:07

Congratulations Data

Euphemia Sun 17-Mar-13 20:34:40

Aaw congrats. smile

Puts the other stuff into perspective, doesn't it?

AdmiralData Sun 17-Mar-13 20:41:26

Euphemia - just a bit lol. He is my first child and I am still in absolute awe every time I look at him. Nothing else seems to mattersmile Ty Kinky :D

VikingLady Sun 17-Mar-13 21:15:38

Congratulations! thanks

Congratulations and well done! Your mum's behaviour was pretty a-maz-ing. Well done for putting it behind you! (You know you're not a vile human being, right!?)

Herrenamakesagreatwelshcake Sun 17-Mar-13 21:30:47

Congratulations! If you have a spare minute perhaps during a night feed I suggest you have a look at the 'toxic people' thread over in Relationships. My spidey senses tell me that you will recognise more of your mother's behaviours being recounted there.... to have a go at you over something so trivial (and for it not to be totally out of character) makes her sound like a bit of a narc.

It's not you, it's her. Repeat until bored wink

Herrenamakesagreatwelshcake Sun 17-Mar-13 21:33:03

http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1704553-Some-thoughts-about-toxic-people

Just worked out how to do links on my tablet! It's a good day grin

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