AIBU about exP who seems to think we are still together?

(47 Posts)
BlackMini Sun 10-Mar-13 12:51:05

I'm really at my wits end with all of this. Me and exP still live together, we broke up just after Christmas but are both trapped into a 6 month contract renting that we stupidly signed in November. Neither can afford the rent here if the other person leaves.

He very quickly moved onto someone else. I found texts talking about passionate encounters and made it clear that this was a dealbreaker for me. Previously we had been in discussions about whether or not we could make it work if we both tried.

Since I have not been interested and moved into the spare room, he's become ridiculously clingly. Like a small child constantly wanting attention. If I am working in the same room as him on my computer at the table, he is constantly calling me asking "did you see that, this is so funny" etc.

I have a really important interview tomorrow for my dream job and a chance at a good career with prospects. It is in a city he has previously lived in. I had arranged to meet up with a colleague toninght who lives in the city for dinner, a lovely young guy. ExP has invited himself along as a "well if you're going that way I might as well get a lift". He has taken it upon himself to book me a hotel (that I was going to book anyway but was at work yesterday) in his name, which means I can't go without his credit card to check in.

I am stressed about this interview. I just wanted to get to my hotel early today and sit and do my preparation, I also have to leave straight after to head to a conference up country for work which is adding to the stress of packing etc. I made it clear I was leaving at 12 today and he decided to go out with friends an hour away anyway. He still isn't back.

His parents are driving down country as we are driving up and now he wants to meet with them and we must meet with them wherever in the country that may be. He says if it means waiting at home for hours for them to drive past, then so be it. He has never cared about birthdays, christmas or mothers day before. But now apparently he must see his mother today. I havn't seen my mother as she lives hours away, so I don't see why it is so important.

He is using my fear of snow and driving in this city to his advantage and I am fucking fed up of him. AIBU?

NewAtThisMalarky Sun 10-Mar-13 12:54:54

Make your own plans. Book a hotel room, and find another way of getting there- public transport?

So not allow him to try and make himself indispensable like this.

CocacolaMum Sun 10-Mar-13 12:55:24

Go without him, book yourself into a Travelodge or whatever. You need to have a discussion about boundaries I think. Good luck x

trixymalixy Sun 10-Mar-13 12:57:03

Go without him. Book a room on your own.

tattychicken Sun 10-Mar-13 12:57:04

Why are you waiting for him? Just go. Book your own hotel, meet up with your mate. None of it has got anything to do with him. YABU to be hanging around while he is pulling your strings.

RandomMess Sun 10-Mar-13 12:57:41

Why are you letting him sabotage your job interview?

Just get in the car and go without him

Kat101 Sun 10-Mar-13 12:59:11

I imagine he would like the best of both worlds, you at home and a bit of fun on the side. Is it too late to make your own arrangements today? You need to keep him well out of any plans you have. He can't just opt in to your relationship when he sees you striking out on your own and sees his security blanket slipping away.

In other words, he's trying to play you like a good 'un.

LessMissAbs Sun 10-Mar-13 13:02:05

Agee with the advice above. That sounds really annoying. Who does he think he is? Simon Cowell, keeping in with his ex-girlfriends?

Seabright Sun 10-Mar-13 13:03:24

Go alone. I find driving in cities isn't as bad as I think it'll be in advance - there is more traffic & traffic lights etc, so traffic moves slowly & you can see ahead where you need to go and have time to get in the right lane etc.

He's being an arse, wanting his cake and eating it. Tough luck! He's made his choice!

Good luck! I am sure the interview will be excellent.

teatrolley Sun 10-Mar-13 13:05:33

Go without him. He can only do this if you go along with it.

Megatron Sun 10-Mar-13 13:09:21

Go without him. Now.

He is controlling you and a situation that actually is no business of his. Please don't let him ruin your future plans.

TroublesomeEx Sun 10-Mar-13 13:10:08

Go without him!

He can only do all this because you are letting him.

And I'm not sure why you would. confused

GregBishopsBottomBitch Sun 10-Mar-13 13:20:51

Yeah, go without him, he does it because you wont stop him, tell him straight.

ratspeaker Sun 10-Mar-13 13:32:14

Is there any sign of him coming back to drive?
Do his parents know you have split up?

Get yourself online and look up train and bus times
Look up Premier Inns/Travelodge etc

Then just go

ratspeaker Sun 10-Mar-13 13:32:33

Oh good luck with the interview

SkinnybitchWannabe Sun 10-Mar-13 13:38:17

Go wothout him, and don't tell him any of your business in the future.
Good luck with the interview

Trills Sun 10-Mar-13 13:40:39

You made it clear you were leaving at 12.

So leave.

Get yourself a hotel.

Was he expecting to stay with you in the hotel that he booked?

WellSlapMyThighAndCallMeNancy Sun 10-Mar-13 13:44:52

Leave now. Go to the city, go to a hotel and book a room.

You're doing exactly what hes planned, waiting around for him.

Fuck that. Go, now. Sodd him, sodd his parents all of them are nothing to do with you. Get a back bone and leave (I mean that nicely, encouragingly not nasty).

Good luck with the interview.

SugarPasteGreyhound Sun 10-Mar-13 13:46:24

Get a travelodge and go without him. He can't kick off about it, weityhout looking daft because you aren't together anymore. Which means that you aren't obliged to fall in with his plans or see his parents.

If your tenancy is due to end in may, can you afford to pay up the rent for April and whatever days in may and disappear early? Living with someone after you've split is awful - been there <shudders at memory>

Jux Sun 10-Mar-13 13:48:20

He's sabotaging you. Leave without him, go to a different hotel if you can, and leave him out of all your plans.

Your acquiescence to him means you are still involved too. Detach and ignore. Do your stuff and if he factors himself in, just ignore it and go ahead anyway. Treat all this as if it hadn't happened. None of it is your problem.

FGS, don't wait for him. Don't use the room he's booked. Call your friend and arrange to meet somewhere else.

BeckAndCall Sun 10-Mar-13 13:48:21

FGS get in with it! Book a different hotel with your own credit card, phone your idea and change your meeting up venue and just GO!

Sugarice Sun 10-Mar-13 13:57:08

I second everyone else and hope you're on your way without this dickhead dictating what is happening!

Good luck with your interview and enjoy the meal with your mate, book different accomodation.

Ignore the Ex if he starts texting and don't tell him where you're staying.

SugarPasteGreyhound Sun 10-Mar-13 14:02:56

Treat him like this us a house share; would you tell the person renting the other bedroom what you were doing? No.

This is a good opportunity for you to reinforce boundaries. Try and keep out of the house if you can and make it clear your plans are your own. So if he asks for a lift, then politely explain that its not convenient for you and do not engage with him any further.

Let us know how you get on!

Just read this. Hope you have left already and are ignoring any texts or calls from him. Don't let him control you.

Posted too early, also meant to say don't screw up the interview which is about your future for his sake. He is your past.

MrsTomHardy Sun 10-Mar-13 14:06:09

If you are seperated then just get on with your own life.....don't let him ruin things for you.

Custardmiteofglut Sun 10-Mar-13 14:08:10

Leave without him, book another hotel and if he contacts you either ignore him or tell him to bog off.

If this is your dream job give yourself a sporting chance to actually get it. Don't spoil your chances before you start by hanging about and pandering to the whims of a man you've already decided you don't want to be with.

In the future when you look back at 2013 do you want it to be that great year you got that brilliant job or the year you split up with that loser who scuppered your chances to get that great job?

Go for it.

SoftKittyWarmKitty Sun 10-Mar-13 14:10:35

I hope the lack of response means the OP is on her way to the hotel she has booked, by herself, without her twunt of an ex. If not, he'll sabotage her meal out and tomorrow's job interview, and therefore her future.

OP, I'm sure you'll be able to move out - go to the CAB and see what they say. Landlords must have to deal with this quite a lot. There must be a way out. If not, make sure you give formal written notice that you'll be moving out at the end of the tenancy (which I assume is in May, given that you signed in November?). Do not rely on your ex to do it, make sure you send a letter to the LL, even if your ex also says he will. Do not trust him. If your ex then chooses to stay on, that's his decision. Make sure your name is off all the bills etc by the time you leave or you'll be financially liable or them.

Good luck for your interview.

bedhaven Sun 10-Mar-13 14:11:57

Hope you have already left having booked your own hotel, giving yourself time to drive at your pace, relax and enjoy meeting your friend tonight before a successful interview tomorrow. Good luck (and good riddance)!

ihearsounds Sun 10-Mar-13 14:20:52

Sounds like your both clinging to each other. No wonder he is, you are still involving him in your life 3 months later.

I'm really not clear on why you are letting him call the shots here.

"ExP has invited himself along as a "well if you're going that way I might as well get a lift"."
You don't have to give him a lift. A lift is a favour, do you consider that you owe him that favour?

"He has taken it upon himself to book me a hotel (that I was going to book anyway but was at work yesterday) in his name, which means I can't go without his credit card to check in."
You don't have to use that booking. Book separately. Tell him to cancel his booking if you're feeling nice, otherwise he can lose the money.

"I made it clear I was leaving at 12 today and he decided to go out with friends an hour away anyway. He still isn't back." (posted at 12:51)
You should have left 51 minutes ago. Just go. Now. Now. Now. Stick to your plan.

"His parents are driving down country as we are driving up and now he wants to meet with them and we must meet with them wherever in the country that may be. He says if it means waiting at home for hours for them to drive past, then so be it."
No. Just no. You have absolutely no need to do this, and I just cannot understand why you didn't laugh in his face when he said it and told him to fuck right off confused.

"He has never cared about birthdays, christmas or mothers day before. But now apparently he must see his mother today. I havn't seen my mother as she lives hours away, so I don't see why it is so important."
It isn't important. It has nothing to do with seeing his mother and everything to do with pissing you off and sabotaging your interview, stressing you to the max so that it doesn't go well.

"He is using my fear of snow and driving in this city to his advantage and I am fucking fed up of him. AIBU?"
Yes he is, and so you should be. YANBU. Just how afraid of snow are you? Take it slow and steady and it will be fine. And recognize just what depths this arse is willing to plumb in order to control you.

WellSlapMyThighAndCallMeNancy Sun 10-Mar-13 15:56:59

Is that it? One post and off you naff?

So annoying.

I can only presume the OP didnt want to come back and explain that she was still waiting for controlling ex.

I hope its because she got straight on a train herself and went. But I doubt it.

Snoopingforsoup Sun 10-Mar-13 16:02:14

I have just read this too.
I hope you have gone on your own and are preparing for your interview. He sounds a nightmare.
Good luck for the job. Just don't let him move to this new city with you.

AnyFucker Sun 10-Mar-13 16:06:42

Benefit of the doubt here

OP has buggered off on her own, hopefully and will resist any further attempts to control her

I hope she comes back an tells us this smile

StuffezLaBouche Sun 10-Mar-13 16:09:49

Another one crossing fingers that she's shoved her stuff In a bag and checked herself into a travelodge.
Nasty controlling tosser.

SugarPasteGreyhound Tue 12-Mar-13 18:35:43

How did you get in OP?

SugarPasteGreyhound Tue 12-Mar-13 18:35:58

In? On!!

YesIamYourSisterInLaw Tue 12-Mar-13 22:57:05

Op come back and update please I hate it when people don't update

BlackMini Thu 14-Mar-13 14:00:01

I'm sorry to have disappeared! I had my interview and then had to drive up country to the most intense conference I have ever been on. I had an hour in 3 days of free time and it was spent havig a well deserved bath.

I had one hell of an argument with him before I left. But of course I was the unreasonable one to now ruin his chances of seeing his mother. I told him what I think of his parents (not complimentary) and how much of an arse he is.

Got back from my conference today so I'm not looking forward to this evening. I need the results from my interview to plan the next stage of my life and where to live. It wont be with him though, that's for sure. I can't believe how manipulative he is being.

GreenEggsAndNichts Thu 14-Mar-13 14:05:10

That is shocking. I've just seen this now. So did you book your own room in the end? From what little you've said, it sounded as if he was trying to sabotage you. What an idiot.

Hope the interview results are positive!

StuntGirl Thu 14-Mar-13 16:16:39

I too hope the interview went well. How long until you can move out? I would be planning strategies now. Bit like a game of chess, just be aware in advance of what else he might do to manipulate/sabaotage you and plan accordingly. You'll be well shot of this idiot soon smile

Sugarice Thu 14-Mar-13 16:19:33

Hope your interview went well and a bloody great 'well done' for not letting him dictate to you!

Good luck and don't put up with any arsiness from him.

CloudsAndTrees Thu 14-Mar-13 16:30:05

You are using him as much as he is using you!

Why did you agree to use his hotel room? You could have booked your own. Why did you choose to allow him to come with you? You have a voice, you could have said no.

You say that he is using your fear of driving in the snow, but you are using his willingness to drive you in the snow so that you don't have to either do it yourself or use public transport. What will you do when you have him out of your life? Whatever it is, that's what you could, and should, have done this time.

No one can manipulate you if you done let them. They can try, but you don't have to allow it.

BlackMini Thu 14-Mar-13 22:46:43

Hi clouds,

He didn't come with me. I paid the hotel myself as no money had to be paid until check in.

I drove as it was in my company car and I continued on to conference. Sorry if t wasnt clear.

Should hear back within 2 weeks. Fingers crossed.

WellSlapMyThighAndCallMeNancy Thu 14-Mar-13 22:52:45

Good for you!!!!

Good luck, and I appologise for doubting you upthread. blush

Jux Tue 19-Mar-13 08:18:52

Well done! Hope you get the job. Hope the twunt gets lost!

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