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To say I didnt want to...

(42 Posts)
CocacolaMum Sun 10-Mar-13 11:14:48

Bit of background.. My aunt (mums younger sister) lives abroad with her husband and after years (20ish) of ttc and quite a lot of IVF they found that after 2 mc she was unable to carry a baby so now that they are mid 40's they have resigned themselves sadly to never being anyones biological parent. I say it like this because just before they emigrated they took me, dh and dc's to florida for a farewell holiday and sat me down at the end of it and told me that they had always thought of me as their non bio daughter.. Its complicated but they have always acted more like my mum and dad than my own parents so of course I felt the same

Anyway, my sisters messaged me to ask whether I would put some money toward ordering flowers to be sent from my aunts angel babies. The plan she had was not to tell her, just have them turn up out of the blue..

I said no thank you. I really think that she would have found today hard enough and although I can see where the thought was coming from I just didn't think it was a good idea.

Cue LOTS of foot stomping and now I am in the dog house for peeing on their bonfire! AIBU to just want to send a quiet message to my aunt thanking her for being so wonderful and telling her I am thinking of her rather than what they had in mind?!?

lotsofcheese Sun 10-Mar-13 11:18:20

I agree with your approach. It's sensitive & caring.

Many people sent me flowers just after miscarriages. I found it a bit sad, as they died eventually, just like my babies hmm

YouTheCat Sun 10-Mar-13 11:18:47

If your sisters want to do that then that is up to them. Your message sounds thoughtful.

Let them strop.

fluckered Sun 10-Mar-13 11:19:20

yanbu. you should message your aunt how you feel you would like to. no one can say how your aunt would take those surprise flowers ... my gut would tell me at first i'd be very upset, a physical reminder of them not actually being from her own kids but after a while may appreciate the thought i dont know. but you do what you feel is best and dont be railroaded into your sister's idea. tell her thanks but no thanks you have something else in mind. good luck.

buggerama Sun 10-Mar-13 11:19:25

YANBU, thats so crass in my opinion to be sending flowers from angel babies. Totally heavy handed when like you say a message or phone call to say she wonderful and you are thinking of her is much more subtle and appropriate

fluckered Sun 10-Mar-13 11:20:01

oh lotsofcheese hugs

flangledoodle Sun 10-Mar-13 11:21:22

YANBU. Don't like the sound of your sister's plan at all - would make me feel uncomfortable. I hate it when you get sucked into other people's plans then made to feel bad if you don't comply. Your plan sounds much more sensitive.

diddl Germany Sun 10-Mar-13 11:21:29

I think that you can do what you want, as can your sisters.

Without knowing your Aunt though, it's impossible to say whether she would appreciate your sisters gesture or not.

CocacolaMum Sun 10-Mar-13 11:24:26

lotsofcheese so sorry for your loss x I think she would feel exactly as you said about the flowers!!

ivanapoo Sun 10-Mar-13 11:26:15

You could try to persuade them to send flowers to "the best aunt as there's no auntie day"?

qazxc France Sun 10-Mar-13 11:29:39

YANBU. you have explained to your sister why you thought it wasn't a good idea. If she disagrees and wants to go ahead it is up to her, she shouldn't try and railroad you into something that you do not feel comfortable with.

PoppadomPreach Sun 10-Mar-13 11:31:52

I think you are 100% right. For me, surprise flowers from one of your "angel babies" would be horrifically painful - it just draws attention to th bereavement on a day where it is probably particularly painful. Far, far more appropriate to send flowers to say "the best auntie in the world" on Mother's Day.

CecilyP Sun 10-Mar-13 11:35:21

I think your sisters' suggestion sounds a bit ghoulish; it makes me feel really uncomfortable. So you are far from being unreasonable not to go along with it. There is no knowing how that would go down with your aunt. OTOH, your suggestion of telling your aunt you are thinking of her, how much you love her and how she has been like a second mum to you, is a lovely one which, I am sure, will really be appreciated.

Iamsparklyknickers Sun 10-Mar-13 11:42:50

Bloody hell, YANBU.

I agree it sounds ghoulish and crass. What on earth is your sisters thought process behind that idea? I'm sure it's come from somewhere with the best of intentions, but she needs pointing out to her that sending flowers on behalf of your aunts passed children is likely to be upsetting in the extreme and frankly just rubbing salt in the wound.

CocacolaMum Sun 10-Mar-13 14:20:46

Well I got a lovely message asking why I "always had to put a downer on things" so I presume they are marching ahead. I have asked her if she MUST send flowers then to at least not address them in the way she suggested, I just think it would be a bit of a shock out of the blue.

catgirl1976 England Sun 10-Mar-13 14:27:43

I've had 2 MCs and if someone sent me flowers from those babies I would find it upsetting and odd

I am sure your DSis is coming from a nice place but YANBU to not want any part of it

NatashaBee Sun 10-Mar-13 14:30:36

I think it would be much nicer to send her flowers and say 'thanks for being like a mum to me' or similar. Your sister's idea sounds, well, odd.

Cooroo Sun 10-Mar-13 14:32:55

I had never heard of 'angel babies' before and had to google it. It is a hideous concept. OK for the mother, I suppose, if it comforts her. But why rub it in? A miscarriage is a tragedy, but it's a pregnancy that for whatever reason could not continue to full term. Not a dead child. IMHO.

Agree with an earlier poster - send flowers from yourselves, so say you love her and are sorry how things have turned out.

twentythirteen Sun 10-Mar-13 14:34:30

I've had 3 mc's (no children) and would hate this, it would upset me beyond words. Please show your sisters this thread. Your aunt might be different, she might like the gesture but I think it would crush me for a little bit.

EuroShaggleton Sun 10-Mar-13 15:08:27

I'm waiting to mc at the moment having been told my baby is not developing. If anyone sent me flowers from my dead foetus I would be shoving them where the sun doesn't shine. It's a hideous idea.

Pandemoniaa Sun 10-Mar-13 15:10:36

It's a horribly insensitive idea. YANBU OP. Just compassionate and sensible.

sarahtigh Sun 10-Mar-13 15:16:30

my brother died when he was 5 I think if we arranged to send my mum something from him, she would be upset and very very annoyed,

my sisters and I give her presents flowers card but never ever would I dream of putting my brother's name on anything it would be really insensitive

BridgetBidet Sun 10-Mar-13 16:10:42

Gosh no. That's horrible. Send some flowers from yourself, that would be lovely. But the 'angel babies' idea is just vile.

aldiwhore Sun 10-Mar-13 16:16:48

Hmmm YANBU. The mum's I know who've lost babies, and have their own rituals of rememberance would be horrified if someone took it upon themselves to speak for their lost children.

There's nothing wrong with your approach, and everything right with it, make a fuss of her for who she is to YOU. (I have 'my other mother' too) But never speak for those not here... YANBU.

I personally think your sister's are being well intentioned but utterly utterly thoughtless and could cause a great deal of anger, grief, and upset.

I'd reply to your sister's text in 'brass tacs' (don't involved your aunt in this) and simply say "I am sorry, your intentions are good, I love you, but I feel it's disresepectful to speak FOR the dead... it would crush me, and I won't be part of it".

Yfronts Sun 10-Mar-13 16:22:46

you are 100% in the right. I say this as some one who has had M/C's and trouble conceiving.

gordyslovesheep Germany Sun 10-Mar-13 16:38:03

agree YANBU - again as somebody who has had multiple MC's I find he term 'angel babies' odd and getting flowers from them would make me feel uncomfortable

leeloo1 Sun 10-Mar-13 16:52:36

Ugh, is it just me that feels physically sick and tearful at the thought of the poor aunt getting flowers from her mc'd children? It sounds like something someone would do as a sick practical joke.

I agree sending flowers 'to the best aunty in the world' would be lovely. Addressing the card as your sisters suggested - no, just no.

ENormaSnob Sun 10-Mar-13 17:32:51

Fucking hell fire that's a dreadful idea from your sister shock

roastednut Sun 10-Mar-13 17:45:02

Yanbu, another one here having been there with mc and I don't entertain the angel baby thing at all. So no, very bad and odd idea.

Catchingmockingbirds Sun 10-Mar-13 17:49:26

Yanbu, I've suffered mc and would hate to receive something like this. Your idea is lovely. Could you all just send flowers from you and your sisters instead?

ujjayi Sun 10-Mar-13 18:00:28

Your sister's idea obviously comes from a good place but at best it is misguided and at worst downright macabre. If anyone had sent me flowers from my dead babies I would have gone crazy and probably thought someone was having a go at me in some way. We do remember our children but we do so in a very private way - just DH and I - even our DCs who are here with us remain uninvolved.

Floggingmolly Sun 10-Mar-13 18:32:35

They obviously mean well but it's a terrible, terrible idea.

Kaida Sun 10-Mar-13 18:49:58

YANBU OP. Unlike Cooroo DH and I do miss our baby we miscarried, and one of the most hurtful things about the process was people treating it like it was just a missed opportunity ("you're both young, plenty more time" etc) not an actual loss of a loved one. But we remember him in our own way and although occasionally my DM (who understands and also grieved for the loss of her first grandbaby) will mention him or give us a keepsake with his name on, it would be creepy in the extreme to receive something from him.

VBisme Sun 10-Mar-13 18:53:56

You are the one being sensitive and thoughtful, their idea (whilst well-meaning I'm sure), is really not a good idea.

Bunbaker Sun 10-Mar-13 18:54:22

"I think your sisters' suggestion sounds a bit ghoulish"

I agree. I also think it is insensitive and upsetting. I had a miscarriage before I had DD. I would hate the thought of someone sending me flowers from a failed embryo. It happened in the past. I don't need or want to be reminded of it.

BegoniaBampot Sun 10-Mar-13 19:25:39

Could you gently let your sisters know that this could backfire and really upset your aunt - hope they don't go ahead with this for your aunt's sake though you obviously have no idea how she would view it. A message/flowers or something to her for being your favourite aunt or second mum etc would be much more appropriate.

CocacolaMum Mon 11-Mar-13 17:44:49

Well.. they didn't go ahead with it. They still won't admit that it wasn't a good idea and said that the sole reason for not doing it was because I wouldn't take part so the cost was too high.

diddl Germany Mon 11-Mar-13 17:54:46

Ridiculous that they can't say they "thought better of it".

But imo at least the best outcome resulted!

CocacolaMum Mon 11-Mar-13 18:25:57

I completely agree, in fact I did laugh at them when they quite literally stuck their noses in the air and insisted it would have been a lovely thing to do. I do love them but sometimes could happily throttle them.

CocacolaMum Mon 11-Mar-13 18:34:32

I just wanted to say in reply to Cooroos response (which was completely fair enough btw, whatever gets you through it imo) that for my aunt it wasn't just a non viable pregnancy, it was a great loss of not only the pregnancy but the dreams she had resting on it and the life that (knowing my aunt as I do) she would have imagined and built around the child and then the horrible decision of closing a door which she never wanted to close when they realised that they just hadn't started IVF young enough and then feeling incomplete and unworthy as a woman ever since. To be frank, she has trouble walking through a supermarket without getting upset, all she sees (still) are women with their babies and although it has been 3 years now and she has become a nurse in that time (the other thing she always wanted) I still think its as raw for her from how she relates it to me.

QuietTiger Mon 11-Mar-13 18:49:45

DH & I lost our DD1 to stillbirth last year and then I had a subsequent MC in September. I say this not for sympathy, but so you know where I am coming from.

If someone had seen fit to send me "flowers from my angel babies" on mothers day, I would have probably hunted them down and shoved the flowers up their arse and it wouldn't have been pretty. Far from appreciating it, it would have been hideously upsetting and served as a vicious reminder that DH & I had lost our children.

You did EXACTLY the right thing. It's a shame your siblings are not as sensitive as you. smile

CocacolaMum Tue 12-Mar-13 10:31:02

thank you QT and I am really sorry about your losses x

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