...when receiving a CRAP mother's day gift (from the husband)...

(187 Posts)
OvenReady Sun 10-Mar-13 10:53:15

I cried.

We've had a tough couple of years (PND, social services, 2 miscarriages yada yada yada) so I kind of hoped this MD would be special. My DS is 2 so has no say in the card and gift giving.

The gift? "Hairy Dieters Cookbook".

I cried, and slowly pushed away the pancakes from breakfast.
sad

MammaTJ Sun 10-Mar-13 10:55:41

I would have liked that as a present.

FannyBazaar Sun 10-Mar-13 10:55:58

YANBU, unless your DS was taken to a shop and picked it out! Even a 2 year old should not have to put up with someone else choosing a crap gift on their behalf.

RedHotRudieParts Sun 10-Mar-13 10:58:14

Do you like cooking ??

I got a soddin bike lock last year hmm men ! It's only one day, you have 364 other days in the year to be kind to each other too.

ToTeachOrNotToTeach Sun 10-Mar-13 10:59:21

My husband didn't do anything for mothers day. I don't think some men think about it tbh (although I'd quite like that book! It would have been lovely if my husband got me that! )

The night before I put out the card my daughter had made at pre school, told him I wanted her to bring me a cup of tea and porridge in the morning with his help with the card. He did and it was fine but I had to organise it. Next weeks my birthday and I'm going to make a cake for them to ice . . .

I understand you've had a tough year or two and I know you are probably feeling sensitive but at least you got something.

So far I've had cards and nothing else because my kids are with their dad.

Ah sweetie. Sometimes they are a bit thoughtless aren't they? He's probably seen all the hype and the fact that it's been so popular, sold out all over the place and thought "Aha, she'll love that". I'm sure he didn't mean anything by it. On reflection Hairy Bikers Mum Knows Best cookbook might have been a better bet.

You're not being unreasonable to be upset by it but perhaps you are reading a little too much into it. Put it on the bookshelf and go have a great mothers day with your DS. After all that's what it's about.

If it's any consolation, my hubby is at Twickenham today. We live in Northumberland so he left at 6 and won't be back til after ten. So I"m at home with my two but it's still nice.

ps - I have the hairy dieters book and it's got some great tasty recipes in it smile

BearFrills Sun 10-Mar-13 11:00:50

Oh no! Huge fail on the timing and the title confused

The fact of it is though that some people are just plain shite at choosing good/appropriate/nice gifts, maybe he's one of those?

Mothers' Day really is one day of the year and there seems to be so much emphasis placed on it these days that it's no wonder mothers end up feeling let down by rubbish gifts, etc.

Is he generally okay the rest of the time? Considerate, shares responsibility, supportive etc? Because I'd go off the entire rest of the year rather than the one made-up 'holiday'.

justonemorepie Sun 10-Mar-13 11:01:20

At least you got a present and pancakes. What did you want as a gift? how did your OH deal with the crying?

ivanapoo Sun 10-Mar-13 11:01:31

A card with a lovely heartfelt message would do me (I got some small token gifts too) but then my husband is fantastic every day of the year almost and I haven't had the tough time you have had so I'm not sure if YABU or not.

buggerama Sun 10-Mar-13 11:02:23

I would have been happy with that present

HerrenaHarridan Sun 10-Mar-13 11:03:00

But I diet book!

I be livid!

I know he tried but a diet book!

On the bright side if he actually thought you were overweight surely he wouldn't!

Carrie37 Sun 10-Mar-13 11:03:47

I got cold tea in bed from Dd aged 8. (we dont allow her to use the kettle). Nothing from Dh as I am "not his mother"!

fluckered Sun 10-Mar-13 11:03:53

i'm sorry you have had a hard year but so has your DP. you didnt suffer those things alone. so while the present may have been thoughtless in your eyes i think yabu and a little rude. he made an effort. look around you and see what you DO have and appreciate it more.

MummytoMog Sun 10-Mar-13 11:03:54

Presents? Other people get presents? I got one last year, but I haven't had one before and I didn't get one this morning. I cried the first year, but I'm kind of over it now. Not to say I wouldn't rather have presents of course, but OH just doesn't remember that sort of shit.

OvenReady Sun 10-Mar-13 11:05:43

I'm having 'self esteem' issues at the moment, some to do with my weight, and just generally feeling pretty invisible. Cooking is a MASSIVE bone of contention in this house because I do all of it and DS often pushes it away after I've been slaving. I have a gazillion gorgeous cookbooks untouched on a shelf because DS is so fussy. The LAST thing I want to think about is cooking/food.

DH knows this.

I got cards made at school and nothing else, not the DC fault.

INeverSaidThat Sun 10-Mar-13 11:07:04

It really depends on the intentions of your DH. If he meant well then I think YABU, however, if he intended to upset you then YANBU.

I think the book is normally a very acceptable gift.

OvenReady Sun 10-Mar-13 11:08:36

I'm REALLY sorry I started this thread! I kind of hoped the responses would be funny, along the lines of 'our crap gifts', maybe cheer me up a little.

To those of you who thought it prudent to give me a hard time - many thanks! You are a BIG help.

fluckered Sun 10-Mar-13 11:08:49

well perhaps with your enormous collection of cook books he thought he was getting you something nice! ffs. you are starting to annoy me now. get on with it.

BearFrills Sun 10-Mar-13 11:09:03

Have you asked him why he bought it?

His reasoning behind it might be entirely different to yours.

I've been on the receiving end of an "I don't want it" after giving my spouse a gift and, from experience, it's fucking hurtful.

Ask him why he bought it and why he thought you'd like it before writing it off as thoughtless and insensitive.

fluckered Sun 10-Mar-13 11:09:36

clue is in the title "Am i being unreasonable"?

FannyBazaar Sun 10-Mar-13 11:10:27

I hate crap gifts so much that I much prefer to receive just a card or even nothing at all. I got a home made card and breakfast this year. Perfect. I can't bear the dilemma either keeping the crap thoughtless gifts in the house or looking extremely rude and ungrateful and giving them away. Hardest if the gift is from someone you live with.

fluckered Sun 10-Mar-13 11:10:34

oh and you want to hear something funny? "You are not his mother!"

mumblechum1 Sun 10-Mar-13 11:11:17

I don't see anyone giving you a hard time OP, just pointing out that actually it was nice of your dh to buy something for you and presumably make you a nice breakfast, and that he's been through a hard time as well.

Anyway, just forget the whole mother's day thing, it's a load of tripe, and go and do something nice with your family for the rest of the day.

apostropheuse Sun 10-Mar-13 11:12:11

DS is two, it's perfectly normal for him to push away food that you've prepared for him. smile

I really doubt that your DH meant any harm buying the book. He obviously thinks you must enjoy cooking if you've got "a gazillion gorgeouse cookbooks" so perhaps he thought it was a safe bet to get you another.

Just relax and enjoy the rest of the day.

At least he tried.

mumblechum1 Sun 10-Mar-13 11:12:25

My DH has never once done anything for ME on mother's day, but my ds always has since he was old enough to draw a smiley face on a bit of card at nursery smile

diddl Sun 10-Mar-13 11:14:09

Have you mentioned wanting to lose weight?

I'd love that book as I want to lose weight-& my husband knows it.

Although we usually only do cards/breakfast in bed for MD/FD anyway, so something that I wanted & would use would be a bonus.

I'd have loved that, but I like cook books and am meant to be on a diet.

Not for mothers day (got nothing, in fairness I'm not his mother), but for christmas, I was given a sew your own badger toy kit grin (there, is that a shit enough gift to cheer you up?).

Kat101 Sun 10-Mar-13 11:15:15

I got a pack of costa coffee refills. We don't own the right machine to actually make the coffee though!

Runs a close second to when I got service station half dead flowers and we watched caterpillars crawling around in them and falling into the vase and drowning.

LavenderBriggs Sun 10-Mar-13 11:15:22

YANBU - I'm assuming he can see the shelf of untouched recipe books.

I'm sorry that you're feeling so sad. Could you explain why this gift has touched a raw nerve?

Another one! A knitted finger puppet from SIL.

BearFrills Sun 10-Mar-13 11:17:19

Maybe DH was trying to help you enjoy cooking again, if it was something you used to enjoy? Or have you mentioned healthy eating as part of your self-esteem issues? Or maybe he just thought it was a nice book and you might like it?

Honestly, Mothers' Day is a nothing day of little significance. The rest of the year is the important bit, the support he gave through the miscarriages you both suffered, the DS you have together, and so on.

If you're so upset then tell him. If there's something specific you want, tell him.

Oh, and a wrapped up box of penne for christmas.

Spero Sun 10-Mar-13 11:19:04

I don't think anyone is being horrible to you by urging you to get a bit of perspective. He tried, he got you a present.

If you think he was being horrible and trying to say you need to go on a diet, that might be worthy of a few tears.

But if he is generally NOT a passive aggressive unpleasant twat, then I think you are over reacting and maybe it would help to take a step back and see what you have to be thankful for. He can't read your mind and if he is unaware of how you would have liked to be treated, I don't think that mans he doesn't love you or doesn't care.

I for example think the whole Mother's Day concept is ridiculous - I think you should be nice to your mother every day of the year. If my mother is silently sobbing about this and her lack of crappy card, she really needs to tell me or I won't know.

Growlithe Sun 10-Mar-13 11:19:23

OvenReady although I get your point about it not being the most appropriate present in the world, do have a look at the book.

I've been cooking from it for a couple of weeks now. I've lost a bit of weight, the recipes are really easy and have been a real hit with my fussy eaters. smile

bookwormthatturned Sun 10-Mar-13 11:20:26

.. even though I'm not into huge schmaltzy celebration days I think most of us go into Mother's Day with some expectations.

I'm feeling a bit poo too as:

DS1's class didn't finish their Mother's Day gifts so he wasn't able to bring it home (that's going to be one popular class teacher)

DS2 (22m) hadn't made anything with the nanny or his dad.

DH gave me a last minute M&S card (... with a design suitable for someone over 60) which he signed 'from the boys' but they knew nothing about. He said he'd be taking them both out this morning; this then went to taking one out. Only when I asked, and asked, has he taken them both out (with v bad grace) to give me a couple of hours R&R.

Not the chilled, happy atmosphere I was hoping for this morning sad Ce la vie!

BearFrills Sun 10-Mar-13 11:21:15

I got nothing from DH (I'm not his mother), a handmade card from DS, a shop card from 18mo DD (obviously DH helped there) and a bunch of flowers.

It's all I expect, there is far too much emphasis on 'perfect' gifts and a fancy dinner and being spoiled and it's no wonder people end up disappointed. It's not like it's a birthday or Christmas or something of a similar scale. It's a Hallmark holiday.

CocacolaMum Sun 10-Mar-13 11:21:30

LOL I do love pasta though

CocacolaMum Sun 10-Mar-13 11:22:37

Oh and I got nothing from DH (not his mother, its ok hes not my father in june...) but dc's presented me with a mug of coffee, glass of OJ a 2 very nicely prepared pop tarts!

LizaRose Sun 10-Mar-13 11:22:38

My Mum never forgot the gift she got from my DF on their first wedding anniversary- a Good Housekeeping book. She threw it at him!

Some people are just not good at choosing presents. Surely it wasn't meant to be offensive.

ivanapoo Sun 10-Mar-13 11:23:42

I'm trying to lose weight and be healthy and my Mother's Day present was a jar of chocolate spread which I'm so not gutted about!

Spero Sun 10-Mar-13 11:23:50

Then I think you need to make sure your partners are aware of your expectations or it is recipe for disaster. Most people I know see Mothers Day as just another cynical attempt to part us from our cash - if you invest much more into this day then you need to let your significant others know.

Expecting a partner to read your mind and then being cross and upset when he can't is I bet a hugely significant factor in relationships going sour.

YouTheCat Sun 10-Mar-13 11:24:11

It was a bit tactless as a gift.

A card made with your ds might have been nice. It really shouldn't be about gifts.

Floggingmolly Sun 10-Mar-13 11:25:17

What's so wrong with that?

DowntonTrout Sun 10-Mar-13 11:25:18

The thing is ovenready he has clearly thought about it.

He knows you have cook books. He knows you have issues with weight. He has put these two thoughts together and come up with the book. This is how my husband thinks, I was going to say men in general but I know I will get flamed for that.

I spent years being disappointed with everything, because I could not understand how he could get things so wrong. But, you know, that was more about me and my expectations at a point when I was struggling. DH could be quite bewildered about why I was upset.

Now I know he does think about stuff, and he tries really hard, sometimes it's off the mark but I know the thought processes behind it. From the other side it must have been awful for him, trying to get it right and never seeming to please me.

What has changed? Me. I'm in a better place mentally. I see the effort, rather than the gift. It was horrible having people tiptoe around me for fear of upsetting me. Now I'm happier I can just laugh about it. Then, when it was wrong it seemed to be a symbol of how rubbish my life was. Hope that makes sense.

BearFrills Sun 10-Mar-13 11:25:51

What Spero said - communication is key.

ZenNudist Sun 10-Mar-13 11:29:21

I sympathise with you having a hard time but to put pressure on a particular Sunday to be special because card makers decree it so is asking to be let down.

Your dh did try, he bought you a card & and (ill thought out) present & made pancakes. IMHO flowers or chocolates are sufficient for mothers day and actually a card or hand crafted gift is best. Sorry if that's a bit sanctimonious! Anyway your dc is too young to know any better so give your dh a break. Try and have a lovely relaxing day with your family and forget about the cookbook.

Growlithe Sun 10-Mar-13 11:33:20

BearFrills it is not a 'Hallmark Holiday' in this country. It is a traditional holiday centuries old.

Iamsparklyknickers Sun 10-Mar-13 11:33:38

I'm sure you've seen the advice posted regularly on these boards about the greatest power you have is the control over your reactions rather than control over how other people behave/act.

It's true, so so so true. Unless there is some huge back story of him being a twat and passive aggressive with you then it's highly likely your sensitivity around cooking didn't enter his head when he spotted something he thought you'd like. Is it Pagwatch who's been posting about setting DH/DP's unspoken tests and then getting upset when their telepathy fails and they get it wrong?

It's horrible to be on the receiving end of someone hating a gift you'd thought they'd like. Either ask him, or put it down to a poor decision with the right sentiments behind it and try to enjoy the rest of the day.

My DP once bought me a CD of a band that I didn't recognise - I pulled a proper bratty strop till he pointed out they played the song I was constantly raving about when it came on. Felt a proper dick! blush

mycatoscar Sun 10-Mar-13 11:34:07

My husband and dd asked me what wine I like and got me to write it down. THey then spent hours wandering round 3 supermarkets looking for a bottle of "Pinot Grigio blanc or ferrero rocher" grin I had put ferrero rocher on the paper as an alternative to the wine lol.

Op I think your husband either thought you'd like it, or didn't read the title properly. It probably bold down to shopping in a hurry or misplaced best intentions rather than him trying to upset you. But dh has done similar in the past so I can imagine how you felt. Hope the rest of your day gets better x

somuchforanindiansummer Sun 10-Mar-13 11:34:51

OP, I think you are getting a bit of a hard time. But don't take it to heart, on another day this thread would have been entirely different (and full of light hearted 'crap gifts' stories). I totally see how a diet book could be taken the wrong way, tis not very thoughtful, especially if you have self esteem issues atm. Do you think he was being unkind or 'just' thoughtless? Anyway, I have found the best way to have a good mother's day is to not expect too much grin Now get him to make you a cup of tea/lunch and put your feet up

Branleuse Sun 10-Mar-13 11:35:12

you're not your husbands mother.

FredFredGeorge Sun 10-Mar-13 11:35:26

DH clearly knows this

Either he doesn't, and you just think he does, or he hates you.

Don't you think the first is much more likely? Most people really can't be bothered to be cruel and would've just ignored mothers day than got a gift designed to be hurtful, especially as it't not immediately obvious that it would.

Talk to him about why it wasn't an appreciated gift, also, stop "slaving" over food, cook simpler easier things for everyone.

vamosbebe Sun 10-Mar-13 11:35:28

So, in future, don't ask for/expect a gift.
DS is 15mo so I don't expect anything from him, DH made a 'pretend it's from DS' card with a squiggly X in place of his name, very sweet.
Don't get gifts, don't understand the need for gifts, it's all a bit grabby. Unless it's been made, of course.
We just spend a lovely day together.
I think Mother's Day/Father's Day is like Valentine's Day: if you appreciate each other all year round, why bother?

Heck, that's just my opinion, but you did ask. I think yabu. If your DP consistently gets it wrong then tell him, guide him, or put up with it!

FredFredGeorge Sun 10-Mar-13 11:36:58

Growlithe If it's a century old holiday in this country then it's about returning to your mother church (which is also likely where your mother still attends but that's incidental) The origins are not about buying gifts or showing appreciation to your wife.

I don't think it's a rubbish gift. I would have liked it. I got chocolates from the kids which they've all eaten. And I ordered myself a top from ASOS.

ike1 Sun 10-Mar-13 11:40:47

Grow up. Try being a single parent without your kids or supposed partner on mother's day. Sorry to be harsh but there it is.

Losingexcessweight Sun 10-Mar-13 11:41:23

It's my first Mother's Day today, I didn't get a present, I did get a card off my dh though.

I got my own mother a card, present and card and present for her from my dd.

I joking asked dh were my present was this morning only to be told Mother's Day isn't for giving gifts, and apparently I give gifts out too often in my family!

Mind you, dh has been brought up not to give cards and gifts for any occassion, his own mother who he speaks to daily hasn't sent him a card or gift for his birthday or Christmas in years and years.

So I can understand why he didn't automatically get me a gift for Mother's Day.

mercibucket Sun 10-Mar-13 11:41:31

I'd have also been pissed off, op. I'm, as always, amazed by all the women on here quite happy to get a dieting book as a gift from anyone. Mil does this to me every year. She can piss off.

Anyhow, that aside, it is actually a great cook book so put it on the shelves and bring it back out in a year or two when life has settled down a bit

My kids are old enough now to do little pressies, so cute, but I was just thinking today about this. Dh has improved greatly over the years at directing mother's day gifts. This year, he helped them make a cake, which is awesome as a present. But it was back in the early years when I really needed to feel my role as a mum was treasured and appreciated. I was knackered, sleep deprived, depressed, and got naff all. I wish we could all make more fuss of the new mums and not give them such a hard time xx

D0G Sun 10-Mar-13 11:44:07

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CocacolaMum Sun 10-Mar-13 11:44:18

I must admit I did turn to DH this morning and say "sooo where are we going for lunch?" the look on his face when for a moment he thought I actually wanted for us to have to go and sit in some overcrowded overpriced eatery I could see the panic of "oooh shit I havent booked..."

was so precious HAHAHAAA

Wonder what a lot of those who complain about what their DH gets them "on behalf of" their DCs get their DH "on behalf of" their DCs on Father's Day. I bet half the dads probably find whatever it is is rubbish too.

coribells Sun 10-Mar-13 11:45:06

CRAP GIFT- a copy of the radio times with 'Miranda ' on the front ( because I like Miranda) WTF? shock I did get flowers and am being taken out for lunch though.

True enough. Mothers Day has become about the card and the gift. I get them every year and then spend the day cooking and cleaning. I'd rather not have the pressie and spend time lounging on the sofa with the children or going out and doing something with them. (Caveat - this years pressie was very very nice).
If you want thoughtless. The first mothers day after my mum died, hubby asked if I could pop out and buy a card and a gift for his mum!! I think he was genuinely confused by my reaction........

Iamsparklyknickers Sun 10-Mar-13 11:47:32

Arf @ Radio Times! grin

I think you win Coribells, please frame it and put it in the bathroom!

You should make it a family tradition and spend the year collecting Radio Times with various favourite programme covers to give out at Christmas!

ike1 Sun 10-Mar-13 11:51:18

I sort of get the slight 'uncomfortable' thing on getting a diet book for mother's day. But I find the OP's behaviour of 'slowly pushing away pancakes' really horrible actually..would have loved, loved that...sod the diet book..always handy...maybe invite DH to indulge in a spot of cooking from it!

mercibucket Sun 10-Mar-13 11:53:23

Op, can I suggest you block this thread and take yourself over to the other thread about crap presents that just started, so you can have a bit of a laugh about it instead. Have a good rest of the day and don't let this spoil it.

notnagging Sun 10-Mar-13 11:55:03

My husband has obviously exhausted himself with Mother's Day and is fast asleep in bed! I too got a crap cheap gift. He told me he found a crap bags for a fiver shop so he was going to get one for his mum. So guess what I got too?
I'm off to the shops, then a walk, then I'm going to get loads of cheap girly films and watch them by myself with a tub if icecream while he takes our 5 ds' to his mums.grin

ike1 Sun 10-Mar-13 11:57:24

Yeah ...if you want to laugh about it ...start the thread with that as your frame of reference...unfortunately at the moment you are coming across as self indulgent.

notnagging Sun 10-Mar-13 11:58:41

Btw I would've loved that book & I thought the tv series was good. I'm doing 5:2 & I really like it. Have lost almost a stone & feel much better overall.smile

ike1 Sun 10-Mar-13 11:58:58

Yeah notnagging with the bags...

ike1 Sun 10-Mar-13 11:59:31

That's fab notnagging well done!!!

Iamsparklyknickers Sun 10-Mar-13 12:00:13

Thing is sometimes people have spent a large portion of their time going on about their diet/exercise regeime/desire to lose weight. I can see how a decent cookery book would seem like a good idea - especially if you know the person has watched the series to go with it.

I wouldn't risk chocolates or wine on a person who was trying to diet or blatently unhappy about their weight, or clothes tbh. You get your clues for what to buy people by listening to them, if you talk about certain things a lot, the less observant amongst us will buy something related to that i.e. rave about your new kitchen = kitchen related tat.

That's nothing to do with how much someone cares, it's just their personal thought process. Not everybody is particularly talented at turning their feelings for you into a gift they think you'll enjoy. Twee, but it really is the thought that counts, nevermind the lack of brain processing power behind it.

notnagging Sun 10-Mar-13 12:00:41

Are you referring to me ike? hmm

notnagging Sun 10-Mar-13 12:01:50

I hope I don't come across as self indulgent.hmm

ike1 Sun 10-Mar-13 12:04:12

Yes it is fab you have lost lots of weight!Dont you think that deserves congrats?

ike1 Sun 10-Mar-13 12:04:57

Ha ha no the OP notnagging!

yousankmybattleship Sun 10-Mar-13 12:05:07

I think it is a lovely present and as a) you are NOT his mother and b) your child is too young to understand what mother's day even is, I'd say you should feel grateful that he has made the effort to do anything at all.

notnagging Sun 10-Mar-13 12:05:22

Oh few ike! Thanksgrin

ike1 Sun 10-Mar-13 12:06:34

S'alright! That's mum's day for ya!

Bogeyface Sun 10-Mar-13 12:06:58

I can understand why the OP feels the way she does if she has issues with her weight. 2 year old refusing food is normal, just keep offering a good variety of food and 99% of the time they do grow out of it.
I bought H that book for Xmas because he loved the series and has been trying to cook more since he lost his job, I didnt really think about the title but both of us are overweight so it wont do us any harm!

I would say to not bother with the leek lasagne recipe. It is a right royal PITA and frankly isnt worth the bother!

specialsubject Sun 10-Mar-13 12:07:16

you got a present, and you burst into tears?

sorry, but to me that is really childish.

Bogeyface Sun 10-Mar-13 12:07:53

All the "He isnt your mother" commenters, presumably you wont do a thing for your childrens fathers come June?

somuchforanindiansummer Sun 10-Mar-13 12:08:32

I really don't get this 'you are not his mother' thing. When DC are too small to make a card/pressie why wouldn't you want to do something nice for your DP 'on their behalf'? confused

I can't see what your DH has done wrong.
I'm sorry you're feeling so down.

Sparklyboots Sun 10-Mar-13 12:11:15

Oh dear, OP, I think people are being unnecessarily harsh here.

The present is a bit "Get the dinner on, and lose some weight, woman!" I doubt your DH meant it that way, though? If you think he did, then that's a different thing... I don't think my DP has a clue about how awful I feel about weight, it's just a practical issue for him. When DS was about 4 weeks? old, he 'helpfully' noticed that that woman (we had just walked past) had a tiny baby but 'didn't seem to have put on a lot of weight' (I had). I was still bleeding from the tear in my vagina at this point. I sincerely think now that he was just wondering aloud whether weight gain was an inevitable consequence of pregnancy and post-partum baby care, but at the time, I was gutted. Retrospectively, 'choosing' to be gutted about 'what it said about me' was less helpful for me than I think choosing to be amused about how socially incompetent he was would have been.

I think it sounds like your DP was being socially incompetent rather than saying something about you. Specially if you've been sharing your concerns about losing weight - he was probably trying to be all supportive and prove he was listening. Which doesn't mean he hasn't been a bit of an idiot. But you could all have a laugh about his idiocy rather than wander round hurt and isolated all day. For Father's Day, can I suggest a nasal hair remover or similar? Meanwhile, get the pancakes on and milk the faux pas for a massage, grovelly dinner being made, etc, for the rest of the day.

yousankmybattleship Sun 10-Mar-13 12:11:21

Because Mothers Day is about children thinking of their mothers. I didn't expect anything when mine were tiny and would have thought it slightly silly if my husband had got something 'on their behalf'. It is lovely when children are a bit older and they make a card themselves, but all this nonsense of poor husbands thinking they need to buy something is just a waste of time and money in my opinion.

facedontfit Sun 10-Mar-13 12:12:13

ovenready

My crap gifts when pregnant with daughter, roll of sellotape, ball of string, marker pens, sellotape dispenser, 99p bubble bath! All wrapped individually. I am still scarred by the experience. smile

curiousgeorgie Sun 10-Mar-13 12:13:16

I think crying is a bit melodramatic. Even my toddler doesn't cry at unwanted gifts.

It's just another day and if anything it's about the thought, getting a card from my 2 year old was more than enough for me and I'm completely over the moon with it.

curiousgeorgie Sun 10-Mar-13 12:14:37

And actually, I feel a bit sorry for your DH. What were you expecting exactly??

CitrusyOne Sun 10-Mar-13 12:14:55

I read the op and some of the responses but not all of them so sorry if I'm repeating what's already been said, but I think your problem was posting in aibu. There are always people here who think everyone is bu regardless of the question. Tis mumsnet rules.

aldiwhore Sun 10-Mar-13 12:15:00

YANBU to be upset, BUT YABU to be angry at your DH... often a thoughtful gift pushes the absolute wrong buttons.

You're obviously very down, and have been for a while, so YANBU to be affected like this.

Even though I love the Hairy Dieters Book and it was a gift from DH and I am sensitive about my weight and go on and on about it, I can see how it would upset you if you're already feeling shit.

ZumbaZara Sun 10-Mar-13 12:19:04

I want a sew your own badger kit, please pretty please!!!!!!!!!

AudrinaAdare Sun 10-Mar-13 12:22:37

My "crap" gifts were from DD and the best, most memorable Mothers Day so far. She was almost three and had made me breakfast all on her own, with daisies from the garden all on a tray.

I was a lone parent then so it consisted of what she could reach from the fridge and prepare safely.

Beaker of milk, lettuce and olives grin

RatPants Sun 10-Mar-13 12:22:53

Sorry you were upset and sorry you are getting a hard time.

It sounds like you've been through the mill and the gift is acting as further proof of how rubbish things are at the moment. If you were in a better frame of mind, I'm sure you would have been able to laugh or thank your dh for trying regardless. Things will get better, you've come through so much.

Pickles101 Sun 10-Mar-13 12:34:42

Bogeyface I am one of those people and no I won't be buying anything for my OH for FD. He hasn't for me today, which I'm happy about - I am definitely not his mum shock

captainmummy Sun 10-Mar-13 12:37:43

I dont get the 'gifts' thing either. 'Mother's day' IS a hallmark-card day.

MOTHERING SUNDAY was/is a day in the religious year when the members of staff in the Big Houses would get a day off to go back to their MOTHER CHURCH; ie where they were christened. If they stopped off to visit mother, even better.

This is a religious day,not another opportunity to spend money on gifts.

Having said that, it's nice to have a little appreciation on one day. My ds1 phoned from uni. Ds2 and 3 are with exh, but will prob have got/bought/picked some flowers or got a card. I love them and they love me and that's all that matters.

Fathers Day on the other hand, is completely Hallmark-card made, as is Grandparents day etc.

NoRoomForMeInMyBed Sun 10-Mar-13 12:44:56

The hairy Dieters cook book is my fave cookbook at the mo, I havent lost weight or dieted, but its just simple everyday recipes all made with stuff you have at home. No silly crystallized walnuts in port surup horrible weird stuff. The tangle pie is divine, so is the spivy veg stew. Yum. Double yum.

I got mrs browns boys dvd in a tesco bag. Obvious thing DH bought for himself. I cant stand the show (am foreign so dont understand the accent hence cant follow it. ) I cried. Loudly. Miserable all day.

Thank you for posting here, i feel better not being the only sad mummy.

All I wanted was a pack of M&S walnut whips. (Wails)

ll31 Sun 10-Mar-13 12:52:21

think you've completely overreacted op and crying.... really? i'd be unimpressed with a 4 yr old having that reaction. and i know you've both had bad yr...
think really, talk to people if you want to communicate properly

skratta Sun 10-Mar-13 12:52:55

I got that cookbook from my daughter! To be fair, I think it was her intention because when she told me, she went 'Hey, mum, I got you the Hairy DIETERS Cookbook!' And her lovely twin duly chimed in and went 'She got it cos you need to be a DIETER and cos you look like them! (As in, I look like the Hairy Bikers...) charming. I'm apparently hairy, masculine and fat. I love them simp much...(This was for my birthday).

skratta Sun 10-Mar-13 12:53:40

Should mention they ARE quite young, and DH later told me that he'd told them to tell me that. Sigh.

WellSlapMyThighAndCallMeNancy Sun 10-Mar-13 12:57:22

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

TroublesomeEx Sun 10-Mar-13 12:59:08

If it weren't so heavy on the meat, I'd like that book!

It sounds as though he was trying to buy a thoughtful gift and it failed in your eyes.

It's been a tough couple of years for both of you. If he knows you're sensitive about your weight, then he probably thought he was showing some consideration.

I think the way these threads go is often dependent on the tone of the OP. The OP didn't have a lighthearted tone to it at all.

LineRunner Sun 10-Mar-13 13:00:44

DS brought me a cup of tea in bed and the news that the cat had thrown up in the kitchen.

So that was nice. smile

Growlithe Sun 10-Mar-13 13:01:01

captain the day has evolved over time. What is wrong with that? Why can't a person buy another person a card and a gift to show their appreciation without this 'bad commercialism' stuff being spouted all the time. It is still a day that was borne out of tradition.

TroublesomeEx Sun 10-Mar-13 13:03:27

I don't necessarily think he husband was telling her she was fat though.

If the OP appears to be down and have low self esteem and complains about her weight, the her husband might have thought he'd found the solution and that he was supporting her.

Some people are more solution focused than others.

captainmummy Sun 10-Mar-13 13:07:19

All I'm saying is that it is not (or shouldn't be) a gift-giving day. like valetines day,the whole meaning of the day has been lost to 'how much thought/money has gone into what I am Getting?^ '
Every single religious dayof the year has been taken over by big-business,(Yes, commericialism! It is not for your benefit! It is for theirs!) to get us to Buy Buy Buy . The whole point of religious days is to take stock, count your (non-monetary) blessings, and appreciate your loved ones.
That does not mean how much can you spend on them - in fact, if you think about it, it means the total reverse.

And i am not remotely religious.

Growlithe Sun 10-Mar-13 13:31:23

I don't like this belittling someone else's way of celebrating by suggesting their loved ones have been hoodwinked by big businesses just because they have bought a present.

OxfordBags Sun 10-Mar-13 13:36:58

OP, I bet your Dh thought "She's a brilliant cook and she does keep moaning about her weight - although I still think she's gorgeous - and this cookbook has some really interesting stuff in it, so she'll love trying out new things and she'll lose weight... How could it possibly go wrong?!".

I'll say this gently: you sound very overwrought and oversensitised right now. It's nice to get something nice for Mother's Day and have a bit of thought put into it, but you cannot control the exact direction that that thought takes (ie your DH may well have put a lotof thought into it, but he hasn't thought in the way you would like him to have, IYSWIM), and, unless he's an arsehole the rest of the year, a disappointing pressie is simply not indicative of him not loving you, not appreciating you, or not caring about the horrible times you've been through. I think you're quite on your last nerve and have put far too much expectation on Mother's Day. It can't solve all your sadness and self-esteem issues, and no pressie would've been enough when you're focusing all your hopes on it.

BearFrills Sun 10-Mar-13 13:44:19

Growlithe, I know it's not traditionally a Hallmark holiday in this country (by 'this' I presume you mean the UK, which is where I live). I'm aware of the origins of Mothering Sunday however those origins have been completely lost in the commercialisation of it and nowadays it has become a Hallmark holiday. Look at the advertising, the merchandise, the many posts on forums such as this, on Facebook and so on.

captainmummy Sun 10-Mar-13 13:49:59

Grow - I'm not belittling anyone.

Think about it - who benefitted by OPs DH buying that cookbook? The Hairy Bikers. The publishers. The shop who sold it - not OP at all! Even if she'd liked it, it's still money spent. I'd be willing to bet my last £1 that OP would rather have had a bunch of snowdrops picked by ds, a card of his scribbles and tea in bed with a lie-in! All done with love. She would have had beautiful memories, rather than another cookbook (or whatever) .

The currency of mothers day/easter/christmas/birthdays should be love, not money.
We have lost sight of this, as witness to the dozens of Mothersday threads today - from 'I got a crap present' to 'i got nothing' to 'my mum is no longer with us'.

Presents/money are not the way to make someone feel special.

Growlithe Sun 10-Mar-13 13:59:40

Well, DH took the DCs out to get me a present at Christmas. They got me two cookbooks because I like cooking. Every time I cook something from those books I think of them. They are peased when I've cooked one of 'their' recipes and are a bit more encouraged to actually eat a meal.

So yes, everyone made a bit of money from us. But did none of us benefit fom that present?

The actual origins of Mothering Sunday are probably lost in the mists of time, but before it had anything to do with 'Big Houses' it was a Catholic feast for Mary, since she's Jesus's mother.

Anyway, OP, I'm sorry but I grinned at the juxtaposition of the pancakes and the diet book but I can totally see why you were not best pleased!

We got my mum shampoo one year. Dad let us choose, and we were at the 'bigger is better' age, so I think she ended up with a litre of cut-price anti-dandruff shampoo. Niiiiice!

Spero Sun 10-Mar-13 14:17:03

No one is accusing anyone of being 'hoodwinked' by commercialism, knock yourself out if that is what you want to do. But I bet a lot of mothers would love a lie in and breakfast in bed at her than some expensive card, bunch of flowers etc.

In my experience, often the more money spent, the less genuine love and thought has gone into a gift.

I think Oxfordbags has said it all.

Growlithe Sun 10-Mar-13 14:22:32

Why does every gift have to be 'expensive'? Why can't mums get a lie in and a present?

FakePlasticLobsters Sun 10-Mar-13 14:36:57

OP perhaps he just saw the book, thought that since you have cook books and liked the programme, you might like their book as well. Especially if it was one he thought you didn't already have.

He might not even have realised it said 'Dieters' rather than 'bikers' in the title. He might have just seen the photo on the cover and thought "it's those blokes OvenReady likes on the TV'' and bought it.

captainmummy Sun 10-Mar-13 14:37:55

Grow - I'm glad you liked your cookbooks. I'm pretty sure that everytime OP cooks from the Hairy Bikers she will not have happy thoughts.
No, my point is that we are so conditioned now to expect a 'gift' at every religious day. And the more expensive or more appropriate the better - in fact if the appropriate amount of money or thought is not forthcoming, it actually makes us more unhappy, rather than happy. I am perfectly happy to get a bunch of flowers or a bubble bath for xmas or birthdays, so long as it is given with love and a cuddle.
I was on a thread yesterday where the OP was bemoaning the fact the Easter was coming up - another 'gift-giving bonanza'. She couldn't afford it. Who can, these days?
Why can't mums get a lie in and a present? - why do you want a present?

OP - sorry you are upset with the 'gift' you DP bought for you. But I do think you have invested a lot of emotion into this Mothers Day after your shitty year.

Growlithe Sun 10-Mar-13 14:56:34

captain it is not a matter of wanting a present. It is a matter of being happy that my DCs would want to do something for me without banging on about commercialism. FWIW, I got some lovely handmade things from my DCs, some nice, random and inexpensive bought gifts and made cards. Nothing that really smacked of them being ripped off by merciless capitalists.

OTOH, I did walk past Pandora in Liverpool One yesterday, and noticed they had a roped off 'queue' area outside with a member of staff letting one out one in when the shop was empty - thus trying to create demand. So I can see your point there.

JamieandtheMagicTorch Sun 10-Mar-13 15:03:26

Sooooo much empathy on one thread.

JamieandtheMagicTorch Sun 10-Mar-13 15:04:51

Good post OXfordBAgs

chibi Sun 10-Mar-13 15:17:34

some people are not good at giving gifts.

my MIL used to give me things like peg bags, seat covers for the car (i can't drive), jewellery boxes (i have a wedding ring. that's it), a box set of miss marple - gifts that at first i thought meant that not only did she not even think for a moment what i might like or be interested in, she did not give a shit.

i used to feel really put out by this.

then i noticed that my dh, her only child and apple of her eye, around whom her world revolved, got similar random shit from her. it was just how she was

crappy gifts are crappy, but i try to be more gracious and not infer any meaning from them at all anymore

FakePlasticLobsters Sun 10-Mar-13 15:22:08

I don't know where the other bit of my post went.

But I had said that it does sound like you've had a very difficult and upsetting time over the past couple of years and sound like you are physically and emotionally drained, not to be too hard on yourself and that I hope you enjoy the rest of the day.

cleofatra Sun 10-Mar-13 15:25:14

I got a card, and an odd one with a "mum needs a drink" theme.
I dont drink

meh, its a card. Im not that big on mothers day

(would love the cookbook though)

Spero Sun 10-Mar-13 15:26:06

I think that if a present tips you over edge into crying, its really not about the present.

I like capitalism and I like presents but I never 'expect' one. Love, kindness and consideration an be shown in many other ways.

SpringHeeledJack Sun 10-Mar-13 15:30:40

OP- ime mothers' day is usually rather shit

we have more or less cancelled it- after a few disastrous ones (notably one where OH told me to 'fuck off' at 630 in the morning- we were v stressed at the time, I say in his defence)

(that said, OH is cooking a massive roast while I dick around on here)

come back to the thread, lovey. I got a pound shop Toblerone. I'll let you have a chunk

grin

NellysKnickers Sun 10-Mar-13 15:33:04

I have learnt over the years to choose my own gifts and treats, this year for example, Ive booked myself a rare hair appointment and just said to Dh, don't worry, going to the hairdressers can be my treat so don't get anything else. He probably thought it was a great gift. In my experience men are crap present givers!, he was probably really pleased with himself!!

DontmindifIdo Sun 10-Mar-13 15:35:33

OP is getting an unfair hard time, no sane man would think that buying a woman a diet cook book (unless specifically asked for) was anything other than a stupid thing to do.

Any woman, being presented with a diet book (which this effectively is) will think "you are saying I need to lose weight" - even if this is true, is mother's day the best day to basically insult somone? Actually, there's no good day to do that...

Spero Sun 10-Mar-13 15:39:24

Maybe a man might reasonably not consider ALL women are so delicately balanced on a hair trigger of hysteria that a diet cook book would send them off into the deep end?

Sorry, I must have missed that memo that because I have a vagina must always be obsessing about my weight.

fatuglybitch Sun 10-Mar-13 15:47:19

I see lots of people giving you a hard time! Yes it was a shit present, and yes you are right to feel crap about it! And yes there are other people worse off , I see lots of them on mumsnet in their horsehair shirts, but that wasn't was this post was about! Get off your fucking high horses and give this girl some support! Fucking hell I reckon the majority of us feel short changed today, get real and admit it!!!!

ToTeachOrNotToTeach Sun 10-Mar-13 15:47:47

The show was called the "Hairy Dieters" though wasn't it? Its not like its a weight watchers book or something! I quite like cook books and would quite like that one (alongside Jamie Oliver etc) without particularly being on a diet.

I understand the OP is feeling fragile but I do feel a bit for the husband who has at least gone out and bought a present and made an effort!

D0oinMeCleanin Sun 10-Mar-13 15:49:07

It could be worse. Mine are old enough to pick their own gifts. DD2 chose running shoes, she was very specific about the fact that were running shoes, for running in. I don't run. At all. This, according to dd2, when I asked why she bought me running shoes when I don't run, is why I am fat. People who run aren't fat. If I start running I won't be fat anymore.

She has a point to be fair.

Spero Sun 10-Mar-13 15:50:58

I don't see anyone being horrible. I few people, quite reasonably have pointed out that she is feeling fragile which explains her over reaction.

I don't see anything wrong with trying to help her get a sense of perspective.

And if there really are a lot of you out there feeling 'shit' because you didn't get showered with gifts, that is really sad, but not for the reasons you think.

MrsHoarder Sun 10-Mar-13 16:53:15

I think other posters are right and its not really the book that is the issue, because he tried. I was in tears because despite organising cards and chocs for DM and DMiL and hinting when I asked if he wanted to pick MiL something up when I went to get some for DM, DH still "thought I wasn't bothered". He's been out shopping for car fuses with DS since then as well.

I don't want to be showered with gifts, a 100g bar of my favourite chocolate or a bunch of daffs or anything would have been nice.

For father's day last year I was 5 weeks pp, still bleeding, bfing around the clock etc. I managed to get him a big bar of his favourite chocolate and a card. The card is still on his bedside table so he can't have forgotten.

* I know I am being unreasonable. I have PMT and due to DS deciding to bf at 4am I haven't had anywhere near enough sleep.

Sparklyboots Sun 10-Mar-13 17:23:32

Spero I see that you are just trying to give the OP a sense of perspective but you (and one or two others) do come off a little harsh. Your way of giving perspective is to point out all the reasons that the OP (and anyone else who got a bit overwraught about the whole Mothers' Day thing) has all the wrong priorities, or doesn't understand the way that capitalism works, or have basically been somehow stupid to feel emotionally invested the way that they did. If everyone around you acts as if 'showering with gifts' (which is hardly what the OP has asked for, by the way) is a way of showing that you value someone, that someone is right to feel unvalued if they aren't showered, even if you don't think that particular way of expressing value is correct. Additionally, while you might not feel concerned about your weight, the OP clearly has said she feels concerned about hers. While you might like to critique the way that women as a social class are pressured in this way, it's hardly fair to act as if a woman feeling pressured in that way is an idiot for caving to that pressure; it would more supportive to take up the fight against people applying that pressure if you do feel a need to address it. I just don't know that this thread where the OP has said she's in a shit place and feeling wobbly is the place to start criticising all of the culturally constructed pressures that you think she is responding to, because it sounds like you are saying it's her own fault for feeling bad because she's not got the same values as you.

Spero Sun 10-Mar-13 17:36:59

You are reading a lot into my posts that just isn't there.

I haven't accused anyone of being stupid for wanting those they love to make a fuss of them. Just trying to point out that if this day is very special to you you need to make sure the rest of your family is on the same page, or get them a new crystal ball.

I also disagree that asking for a little bit of perspective is hardly being 'harsh'. I never wish to play misery top trumps but to cry over a gift from your husband is an unhealthy over reaction if you think how many thousands of mothers will be spending this 'special day'.

If the op ( and many others it sounds like from this thread) chose to channel their more general unhappiness into Mother's Day gifts - or lack thereof - I think they are missing a valuable opportunity to,ask themselves what they are really unhappy about.

Or maybe they do judge themselves and their relationships on the number and quality of presents they get. Which is sad.

FakePlasticLobsters Sun 10-Mar-13 17:42:57

ToTeach - They were the "hairy bikers' long before they were the 'hairy dieters' and so bikers is probably how more people know them or think of them, even if the show title has changed. Especially if they are aware of the bikers/show but not fans and don't really watch it (like me).

That's why I wondered if the husband were aware of who they are without actually paying any attention to what their book is called, and if his thoughts on it were that his wife likes cook books and hairy men, not that she needed to go on a diet and is hairy.

Because I'm sure he doesn't think that OP smile

HecateWhoopass Sun 10-Mar-13 17:46:48

Are you ok, OvenReady? You've disappeared. I feel like your upset probably isn't really about the book. I hope that you are ok. xxx

smudgerdunn Sun 10-Mar-13 18:04:20

Everybody...please stop bashing OvenReady.
She's not alright and she's my cousin and she's had a shit time lately.
I do get your points and knowing her DH I really can't see he would have done it to be cruel, but please give some support.
Never posted on here before and joined just to ask you all to back off a bit.
Thanks

Spero Sun 10-Mar-13 18:08:08

Nobody is 'bashing'. I have read only one overtly unsympathetic post and that was pages ago.

Everyone recognises she is obviously fragile.

Sunshine200 Sun 10-Mar-13 18:12:09

If I was dieting and liked cooking then I would have liked it, if I wasn't dieting I would have been mad!
I got sod all, not even a card or breakfast in bed :-(

LynetteScavo Sun 10-Mar-13 18:16:24

A friend was given the Hairy Dieters Cookebook for Christmas. She threw it at her DH.

Floggingmolly Sun 10-Mar-13 18:17:57

That's 2 people on this thread who "cried loudly" when they didn't like their present. hmm
How old are you?

Smuger, it sounds as if it is more than the MD present, I hope ovenready gets the support she needs thanks for her.

Tailtwister Sun 10-Mar-13 18:22:17

Well, I can see why OP was upset. A diet cookbook? Not really a brilliant present is it?

As for all the harping on about the origins of Mother's day, Mothering Sunday or whatever you want to call it, it's not really relevant here. OP is upset, doesn't really give a shiny shit whether the modern day take on Mother's day is commercialised or not and just wanted a nice, thoughtful present to mark the occasion. If her DH had an ounce of common sense, he could have thought of something a bit better than a bloody diet cookbook!

Hope you feel a bit better OP. I imagine that your DH thought he was doing the right thing but ended up making a hash of it.

Gay40 Sun 10-Mar-13 18:26:29

Overrated and not worth getting your knickers in a twist over at any level. Crying over a present? Get a grip.
Expectations of gifts and all that nonsense? If it's not happening on a regular basis anyway, why bother for one day (see also Valentine's).
I seriously cannot be bothered with grown women who get upset over such utter, utter nonsense.

Oh dont cry, I bet he thought he was helpful?

I would have loved the book?

Iamsparklyknickers Sun 10-Mar-13 18:36:09

I don't think the majority of posts in this thread have been of a 'bashing nature', it's been fairly tame for AIBU.

Imho I do think sometimes reinforcing perspective is the most helpful thing to do. In this case Ovenready was upset and lots of posters pointed out why she should perhaps try looking at it from a different angle so as not to ruin her day - that's not bashing, that's empathising over the initial reaction but trying to calm someone down because they are the one suffering.

I appreciate when you're down small things can take on a big significance, but I also appreciate that you can get bogged down with viewing everything in life in the same way - good or bad. That's really not healthy and personally I really appreciate RL friends who are not afraid to point this out to me before I sabotage things that should be easy/enjoyable.

Some things in life need sympathy, some need solutions and some need perspective.

TartyMcTart Sun 10-Mar-13 18:38:05

Wow, I mean just wow.

I got the Hairy Dieters book for my birthday from my OH and I was really pleased! I never thought for one moment that I should have been offended confused

louschmoo Sun 10-Mar-13 18:43:36

Well 'bashing' is a question of prespective isn't it. If you're feeling robust then fine, but the OP clearly isn't. This thread hasn't been a total flaming but the tone has hardly been sympathetic. From OPs 2nd post it's pretty clear she's feeling shit and has low self esteem. So what if this is AIBU - there are loads of threads to post on, if people want to dole out 'get a grip' style comments then they should find some less vulnerable OPs to direct their opinions at. This isn't directed at anyone in particular by the way, more a general point.

OP, I would be pissed off to get a diet book from my husband whatever the circs. But I do think that men are sometimes a bit crap at working these things out. He did remember and I'm sure he didn't mean anything horrible by it.

curryeater Sun 10-Mar-13 18:53:08

There are all sorts of rights and wrongs on this thread that are much more important than this, but I just have to say: Mothering Sunday is not a Hallmark Holiday, it is a real thing. Like other real holidays - Christmas etc - the gift giving aspect may arguably have got out of control - but all the same, it is real.

INeedThatForkOff Sun 10-Mar-13 18:56:00

I really think the posters who think the OP is U are being disingenuous. Weight loss is a hugely emotive issue, particularly when there are difficult circumstances at play. While he probably didn't intend to cause offence, I'd be mortified to receive a diet-related gift unsolicited, particularly if I hadn't explicitly said that I was actively trying to lose weight.

louschmoo Sun 10-Mar-13 19:04:10

YY I agree Ineed.

DowntonTrout Sun 10-Mar-13 19:49:06

But, in my experience of men (ok DH), he latches on to what I may have been talking about and thinks "oh that's a good gift" to something merely related to the topic. That is the way he thinks. He would bend over backwards to get the right thing. Unless I specify ie colour, size price, shop to buy from - he gets it wrong. Maybe all men aren't like that but DH is. It almost does his head in.

Now I have learnt, in over 20 years of marriage, that he cannot read my mind. Even a vague hint is not enough. And at some point in our life, I would get horribly sulky about his choices. Now I know if I want something specific I have to spell it out.

Mothers day is just a day. Whether we commercialise it or not. It's the rest of the time that matters and if we hold such store in whether our partners get it right or not, there is something else wrong in our lives. maybe the OP needs to look at why this gift brought such a reaction as to make her cry and then ask herself what she can do about the underlying problem.

Spero Sun 10-Mar-13 19:50:21

Agree with sparkly knickers, except I would say that perspective is always helpful.

Also I don't think the onus is on posters to gauge the mental fragility of any particular op - you ask a question of random internet strangers, they will answer.

i do sympathise.i can see you're having a rough time.

in my house my dh doesn't give ME anything, he gives his mum something.

our kids give me things.

louschmoo Sun 10-Mar-13 20:01:00

Yes, Spero, you're right. But when someone puts in their OP that they've had post natal depression and multiple miscarriages in the last couple of years it's no great leap to assume they may be more fragile than most, surely?

I agree with the posters who've said that this should have been posted in chat, but you have to be pretty familiar with MN to know that.

JoyceDivision Sun 10-Mar-13 20:04:16

Ah, if it's any help, my dh bought me perfume. He knows perfect;y well I have never worn it, just as I don't wear make up unless I have to stick on some slap fpr a big do like a wedding, and just I have a quick and easy short hair cut... so was a bit hmm at the gift that was pointless and obv no thought. Just like that card that had a basic message with less sentiment than a Card Warehouse card (not knocking them, I use them enough)

It's obv dh has put no time or effort in, yet he can squeeze in one or two ganes of golf a week.

Yet dh lost him mum before Christmas, so he's in a foul mood for a good reason, so I just have to seethe inwardly and carry on. Even thouogh I'm looking at a thoughtless waste of money sad

JoyceDivision Sun 10-Mar-13 20:05:08

My ideal gift? Somevanilla syrup so I could make some vanilla milk for bed!

TheNebulousBoojum Sun 10-Mar-13 20:06:22

'I'm having 'self esteem' issues at the moment, some to do with my weight, and just generally feeling pretty invisible. Cooking is a MASSIVE bone of contention in this house because I do all of it and DS often pushes it away after I've been slaving. I have a gazillion gorgeous cookbooks untouched on a shelf because DS is so fussy. The LAST thing I want to think about is cooking/food.

DH knows this.'

It has some great recipes in it. Your DH should cook one a week for you for the rest of the year, after DS is in bed.

I got given a new washing up bowl and brush when DD was 5, in her favourite colour. She wanted to make sure I knew that she'd wash up on Sundays, but
'I had to get her a stool and she wasn't going to wash knives or glasses because that was dangerous'

Spero Sun 10-Mar-13 20:29:03

I am not advocating deliberate cruelty - I agree a small minority of twats seem to think it is a funny game to g down that route - but not everyone will read everything or read it carefully. And whether you are aim liar with a particuarly forum or not, surely you must realise that taking your unhappiness and despair out on the Internet may not be best idea?

This clearly isn't the Support Thread For Victims of Crap Presents. She particularly asks if she was unreasonable. I think she was, but I can see there is a lot more going on here than just one thoughtless gift.

Spero Sun 10-Mar-13 20:30:00

Are familiar - not 'aim liar'. This auto correct gets weirder and weirder.

mama04 Mon 11-Mar-13 03:50:39

My Dh got me a poop scoop confused from Dc... seriously MEN!!!!

Since when did it become obligatory to buy presents on Mothers' Day?

Christmas. Birthdays. Anniversaries. St Valentine's Day. I think it's getting ridiculous.

Also (this to Mama) there's nothing wrong with practical presents: why should they always have to be some token that the giver 'understands' you?

Seems like some people have got so much money that they exist on a diet of presents.

Gingerodgers Mon 11-Mar-13 05:50:47

Too much is made of Mother's Day. You are not your husbands mother,you are not your husbands mother, again? If your kids are too young, then they are too young, wait until they are old enough to make a fuss, and let husbands fuss over their own mums, if they want. Lots of neediness around just now.

differentnameforthis Mon 11-Mar-13 06:01:46

Wow, what a fucking heartless bunch we have here today!

OP is upset, so instead of trying to cheer her up you all gang up on her telling her to be grateful, telling her to try being a single parent, etc etc.

How about taking the time to find out why this hurt her so much? If there is anything else she is worried about/struggling with!

This is mumsnet at its' worse!

maddening Mon 11-Mar-13 07:11:34

Spero : Also I don't think the onus is on posters to gauge the mental fragility of any particular op - you ask a question of random internet strangers, they will answer.

The clue was in the op - have been suffering with pnd etc etc

Spero Mon 11-Mar-13 08:57:40

if you chose to ask random strangers if you are being unreasonable they will answer. I don't think you can expect or demand great sensitivity to the degree of mental ill health you may or may not be suffering unless you spell it out very clearly at the outset. If you are feeling fragile this is not the place for you.

Sorry if I sound harsh but I think that is the reality. I have seen a lot of people get very upset on threads and I do wonder why they put themselves through it.

maddening Mon 11-Mar-13 09:58:27

But she did state that at the outset - in the op - and usually on mn people do respect that but they haven't on this thread.

My DD was sick 3 times on Saturday night/ Sunday morning. My DP cleaned it all up and cleaned the carpet. Best Mothers Day present ever. BTW it was a very tactless gift, but it is a very very good book.

differentnameforthis Mon 11-Mar-13 10:32:31

She wanted some sympathy, thought she could get it here...she wanted to sound off, be pissed off somewhere safe.

She didn't get that, it doesn't matter which area of the fiorum she posted on really, AIBU is just an excuse for those among us to feel superior & be arses.

You have to forget where she posted & take the op at face value. Poor woman wanted some laughs & cheering up, instead most of you shouted her down! Sad.

Spero Mon 11-Mar-13 10:35:37

If you want sympathy, go to real people who love you.

If you want opinions and different perspectives, you go on the internet.

If you are fragile, recognise that strangers behind a keyboard are not the best people to respond to and respect that.

OvenReady Mon 11-Mar-13 10:45:52

A polite request: can you stop now, please. Just stop.

BumBiscuits Mon 11-Mar-13 10:49:54

Last Xmas DH got me some Clarins anti-ageing cream from my DDs. I returned it and got my Eau Dynamisante that I love. I had a friendly word to the assistant. I hopefully educated her and her young colleague about not selling anti-wrinkle treatments to OH/DH/Sons as gifts unless there was a written request from the recipient.

A Rosemary Conley (for example) diet book would upset me but the Hairy Bikers one doesn't sound as if it was bought as a hint...it would be the least offensive of all the diet books IMO. I do see why you were hurt though.

Spero Mon 11-Mar-13 10:50:52

Don't click on the thread or ask for it to be deleted. Why expose yourself to something you find so hurtful?

curryeater Mon 11-Mar-13 10:56:07

wtf Spero? what do you get out of this? [boggle]

OxfordBags Mon 11-Mar-13 13:30:06

What is fucking wrong with you, Spero? Seriously?

I hope you're getting a big kick out of obsessively trying to hammer home what you consider home truths even when it's clear that it's unnecessary and upsetting an already fragile OP. Why do you feel the need to keep pointing that stuff out to her? What is wrong with you that you feel that need?! What you say might have truth to it, but there's ways and times to say it or not and you're waaaay off the mark here.

INeedThatForkOff Mon 11-Mar-13 13:42:27

Spero, for fuck's sake let it go.

scaredbutexcited Mon 11-Mar-13 14:40:57

I'm really sorry for all you have been through. It sounds as though you have had a very tough couple of years.

Your reaction to this presents leads me to think you are still (understandably) grieving and have some ongoing issues that you and your DH need to talk thorough.

AIBU is probably not the best place for that but there are other sections on here or perhaps the samaritans or similar?

On top of that, I think a good talk with DH about how both of you is feeling may help (but I appreciate I know very little about you him).

I don't think this is a cookbook issue though and I hope you can work through things and feel better soon. Good luck. thanks

haggisaggis Mon 11-Mar-13 15:12:38

Er - dh bought me that book for mother's day too - and I love it. He knows I like cook books, and he knows both he and I need to lose some weight - so I see it as a thoughtful gift. But it obviously all comes down to personal feelings as to whether it is a good gift or a bad one.

Spero Mon 11-Mar-13 17:06:30

I am not trying to 'excessively hammer home a point' I am making a point. I don't see the problem. Probably best not to encourage me if you feel so strongly?

Sparklyboots Mon 11-Mar-13 22:39:07

No one is encouraging you? They are asking you in fact to STFU. HTH

Hai1988 Tue 12-Mar-13 07:57:27

I get the gift was proberly a bit insensitivebut why did he even get u anything ur not his mum. A homemade card from ds does me smile means more than any of the shop bought crap u can get!

INeedThatForkOff Tue 12-Mar-13 08:02:24

<spectacularly misses the point>

<doof>

Spero Tue 12-Mar-13 08:58:41

Then do it in a less inflammatory way and I won't feel compelled to respond will I? HTH

clarasebal Wed 18-Sep-13 19:25:57

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

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