to think that we should all let our dh's off the hook on Mother's Day?

(108 Posts)
pictish Sat 09-Mar-13 22:49:27

Well am I?

To put it into context, I don't think they should look to us on Father's Day either...but in truth few men seem to. In general, it's us women who hold stock by these things.

It is very nice to feel appreciated. I understand that. But Mother's Day is about appreciating your mother surely?

I can also relate to having your dh take the opportunity to let you know he appreciates you as a mother, but expectations of how elaborately he expresses this seem to be high and getting higher.

Give them a break. Your turn will come. Your grown up children will come and spend time with you on Mother's Day.

If your dh puts out for his own mum, then he's doing alright. That's what we like to see.
Your turn will come.

I wish everyone a good day tomorrow. Personally, I will be getting homemade cards and breakfast in bed, then dh and I are leaving the kids with dh's aunt, and going out to pick up some craft materials and have lunch out. He will be popping round his mum's later with a gift and a posy. No hassle, no stress.

Remember, if someone doesn't know that they are being tested, they are never going to pass.

Perspective is a good thing. xxx

AgentZigzag Sat 09-Mar-13 22:54:53

No, no, NO!

Never let them off, it's a sign of weakness and then you've lost the chance of something that can be brought up at opportune moments for the next 20 years.

PelvicFloorClenchReminder Sat 09-Mar-13 22:57:06

grin Zigzag

pictish Sat 09-Mar-13 22:59:05

Honestly, I just see the board full of disappointment and upset over Mother's Day tonight, and it hasn't even happened it yet. It's not till tomorrow!

When did Mother's Day become statutory husband test?

Beamur Sat 09-Mar-13 22:59:35

I've already let mine off the hook this year by telling him I'd bought myself a Mothers Day present grin
DD has already given me a card she made at school as she was too excited about it to wait until Sunday.
I have a card, flowers and perfume for my Mum to give her tomorrow.

MumVsKids Sat 09-Mar-13 23:00:15

"If someone doesn't know they are being tested, they are never going to pass"

Thank you for this, I need to remember this, tomorrow and in the future.

MrsMushroom Sat 09-Mar-13 23:01:55

No. YABU. The day one of them tried to bring in Steak and Blowjob day was the day they killed their chances of reprieve.

NO SURRENDER!

If I do not get satisfactory gifts tomorrow...I WILL kick off.

pictish Sat 09-Mar-13 23:01:58

And let's face it - we've just got over Valentine's Day! A similar farce.

simplesusan Sat 09-Mar-13 23:02:09

How do you know that you will be getting breakfast in bed?
Is your dh doing this for you , or are your dcs older?

I let everyone know it is mother's day and I want a rest, otherwise I would be expected to carry on as usual doing the majority of the household chores.

You are also lucky to have someone who will look after your dcs so that you are free to go off and enjoy yourself tomorrow. Not everyone has this.

MikeLitoris Sat 09-Mar-13 23:02:54

I was going to post pretty much word for word the same thing today. Possibly less polite.

Lovelygoldboots Sat 09-Mar-13 23:06:06

My dp's mum bought a viccy sponge with happy mothers day iced on it today. It's gone now. It was really nice. Sorry for hijack, just wanted to share.

pictish Sat 09-Mar-13 23:07:41

We don't really have a lot of it either. Dh's aunt comes along about every three months and spends the day cooking and having fun with the children, so dh and I can have a day to ourselves.
It so happens that this time it coincides with Mother's Day.

Kids are 11, 5 and 4. Breakfast eill be from my 11 yr old. He will spill coffee all over the stairs and the toast will be pitiful, but I will beam at him and tell him that it is wonderful! grin
Cards from the 5 and 4 yr old...I will of course be in raptures.

Then offski.

WorraLiberty Sat 09-Mar-13 23:07:45

Well said pictish

Every year on MN there seem to be so many threads berating DH's for not buying cards/flowers/gifts etc.

But not for their Mums...for their DW's!

I really don't get it.

Mother's day is for Mothers and if your 5 week old baby hasn't bought you a card and a bunch of flowers...that's because they're 5 bloody weeks old!

As you say, the time will come when they're old enough.

MikeLitoris Sat 09-Mar-13 23:08:09

Do we really need mothers day to have a rest?

Must be mothers day a few times a month in my house. I spent most of my sundays doing nothing grin

I'm not keen on breakfast in bed, i can never get comfy and I always feel a bit skanky sitting there all unwashed... and the crumbs!.

I'm happy with my nice coffee that DH makes for me most days and whatever little gifts the dc have come up with at nursery and school.

We're not ones for Valentines Day and the like either.

<aware am probably alone with this one> grin

pictish Sat 09-Mar-13 23:10:32

Oh I hate breakfast in bed. But I love how proud and happy it makes ds1.

Theas18 Sat 09-Mar-13 23:11:44

Agree with the op.

life is too short to get het up about marketing opportunities really. Cba with fathers day, Valentines and mothers day is not a biggie either. Birthdays....hell yeah!

If you go to church the priorities are the bvm mother of Jesus, and mother church. Going home to visit your mother was a Victorian invention for the servants.

I've made a bit of a fuss for my mum.left her with a bottle of Baileys and a card. But I hope all this running around I'm doing for her and dad tells her I love her more then a moonpig card tbh!

I shall be getting up and ferrying a child one way and dh ferrying another another way. Sunday....day of rest lol

piprabbit Sat 09-Mar-13 23:12:33

I want DH to occupy my DCs for a couple of hours while I blob about in bed, have a leisurely shower and do my nails.

I can do all this on other days when everyone is out, but I do relish being alone in a house full of people. The rest of the time I am just alone alone and it is not such a nice experience.

Plus it is about time, after 9 years of fatherhood, that DH learned how to occupy 2 children for 2 hours without needing to involve his own mother.

WorraLiberty Sat 09-Mar-13 23:14:22

And before anyone kicks my soap box away can I just say this?

Considering how many posts I've seen on here about child/adult trafficking in the porn industry...I have never seen a post on Mother's Day from anyone who was upset that their flowers weren't fair trade.

Of course I might have missed the odd post but I have genuinely never seen a thread started by someone 'shaking with anger' for example, because their DH didn't give a shit about the kids/adults who are working with dangerous chemicals in fields...often against their will because they've been sold into the 'business'.

Yet I've seen countless moans and whines because the flowers weren't bought/were an afterthought/were wilted/were cheap/were the wrong kind.

<< Falls off soapbox >>

2rebecca Sat 09-Mar-13 23:14:33

I don't think it's about gifts but about kids remembering, a card (or text or phonecall if with their dad) is fine. When the kids were younger though I did expect my partner to make a bit of an effort with the kids and I didn't expect to be entertaining and cooking for other people.
It maybe depends on what you grew up with. When I was young dad made sure we'd sorted out cards for mum and made her coffee and we usually went for a walk somewhere or did something nice. It definitely wasn't a day when my mum entertained the grannies. My parents sent their mums cards and flowers but mothers day was principally about our mum.
When my kids have children I don't want them inviting me round for dinner, I'd rather they enjoyed the day with their children and my son fuss over the mother of his kids. Hopefully my mothering role won't be that essential by then.

hugoagogo Sat 09-Mar-13 23:15:11

I love mother's day.

I hate birthday and christmas, but mother's day is fab, I have it my way, which is quiet and no expectations.

I send my Mum something thoughtful and nice too.

AgentZigzag Sat 09-Mar-13 23:16:03

DH said earlier that he hopes the DDs have done something for mothers day because he hasn't grin it meant so little I'd forgotten he'd said it.

But I can imagine if you feel your DP is perhaps focused elsewhere, it could really hurt.

*If your dh puts out for his own mum, then he's doing alright. That's what we like to see.
Your turn will come.*

I wish everyone a good day tomorrow. Personally, I will be getting homemade cards and breakfast in bed, then dh and I are leaving the kids with dh's aunt, and going out to pick up some craft materials and have lunch out. He will be popping round his mum's later with a gift and a posy. No hassle, no stress.

But do you not see that your DH is spending time having lunch with you, when you are advocating he should be spending time with his own mum?!? He will "pop" to his own mum later?

Double standards much?

Maryz Sat 09-Mar-13 23:23:18

I have a suggestion - if your dh's mother cares about Mothers' Day, let him make a fuss of her.

Swap your day for next week, when you can still have your lie in, meal out (at half the price), day off.

How about that?

pictish Sat 09-Mar-13 23:23:49

His mum lives just around the corner and we see her a lot. She's not in tomorrow. He'll go round later when we are all back home.

simplesusan Sat 09-Mar-13 23:24:10

Well I will be overjoyed if I get coffee and breakfast in bed, along with a card.
My dh thinks it is a load of balls though! made up by Hallmark he says.
I see his point but would appreciate being able to lounge around rather than doing housework as oer usual on a Sunday.
If it weren't for me mil would have got nothing for Mother's Day and I really think she deserves acknowledging.

pictish Sat 09-Mar-13 23:26:40

When I say she's not in, I mean she has something else on. I am not snatching her son away while she pines alone. grin

TheCrackFox Sat 09-Mar-13 23:28:34

I'm not that keen on the commercial aspect of Mother's Day but I don't think it us too much to expect a lie in (especially where small children are involved), a cup of tea in bed and a home made card. DHs might need to put some thought into this.

shockers Sat 09-Mar-13 23:31:23

DH is working tomorrow, so I will take the children to a waterpark and have a blinding mothers' day sliding down slides and eating chips grin.

Inertia Sat 09-Mar-13 23:38:22

I think it's reasonable to hope that- in a household which includes a mother, father and children- the father will do the more challenging parenting tasks (e.g. getting up early with small children) so that the mum can do the more fun bits of parenting while having a nice meal cooked for her. It's nice if the father can ensure that the children produce some kind of home made card too. That's all I ever hoped for, TBH.

squeakytoy Sat 09-Mar-13 23:41:02

I notice that there are no complaints about the abundance of tv ads relating to mothers day either... grin

Skyebluesapphire Sat 09-Mar-13 23:47:17

Mothers Day is for mothers. If you have a young child then the least your DH could do is buy a card and flowers on behalf of that child.

We always took XH mum out to lunch and obviously that was for myself too once I'd had DD.

When married I never expected or got breakfast in bed. But I did expect a card and flowers.

Yama Sun 10-Mar-13 08:04:53

My turn to get up early this morning. Fair's fair - I had a lovely lie in yesterday.

We pay no notice to these enforced days. Just another delightful lazy Sunday where I don't don't do the majority of the chores. Being that i am not a servant, that is.

JiltedJohnsJulie Sun 10-Mar-13 08:12:34

I've always found it best just to tell him what will make me happy. So I've got a box of ferro Roche and a lie in which is all I asked for. The really nice added extras are that both DC have made me a card and DS has also made a present at school and ive had breakfast in bed.

Happy bunny here.

Jamdoughnutfiend Sun 10-Mar-13 08:19:27

Am not a fan of Hallmark holidays - told DH husband that he can get my car valeted tomorrow and I will very very happy with that. No chance of a lie in, he is on callout this weekend and was called out to work at 3am and has only just come back in and packed himself off to bed, but to be fair, I am a real early bird anyway, do DDs are watching octonaughts and I am MN'ing - pretty good day by my standards!

dribbleface Sun 10-Mar-13 08:20:53

All I asked for was a cup of tea in bed and that dh got up with the devil youngest. That's what I got and a lovely card made by ds1 who was very excited because he was able to write his own card this year. Perfect.

Follyfoot Sun 10-Mar-13 08:23:43

Mothering Sunday isnt a 'Hallmark holiday' though is it?

SkinnybitchWannabe Sun 10-Mar-13 08:24:24

My dh is at work, I get breakie in bed made by my ds, a homemade card from them and two daffs wrapped in silver foil from my youngest.
I certainly don't expect dh to fly about buying the biggest flowers or most expensive card..Mothers Day isn't about that.

Bananapickle Sun 10-Mar-13 08:26:47

I actually think there is nothing wrong with our DH's showing some appreciation on behalf of young children. That doesn't necessarily have to be at the expense of marking the day for their own mothers.
I think that expectations have to be realistic to whatever circumstances you are in. My DH is working today so no I haven't had a lie in but have had a present and card from my 2 year old DD. Obviously it wasn't her effort but my DH is teaching her the importance of appreciating me and when she is old enough she will do whatever is age appropriate to show her appreciation.
My first two mothers days with my DD were spent with the focus on my DM because she used to be local so I cooked but again didn't stop my DH showing appreciation to me through a nice breakfast, pressie and card.
I don't really get why a DH would not want to show his appreciation to everything that their wives/partners do for their families...but I realise that is being naive!!

D0G Sun 10-Mar-13 08:30:30

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PurplePidjin Sun 10-Mar-13 08:30:34

Not off the hook as such because some men need a bit of a prod to show some appreciation, and children need to learn these things somehow.

But what's wrong with a card and a bunch of daffs and a genuinely sincere Thank You?

<wanders off muttering about rampant consumerism>

PS Mothering Sunday is a church service a certain amount of weeks before Easter. Mothers Day is a Hallmark Holiday wink

ChaoticisasChaoticdoes Sun 10-Mar-13 08:35:31

Your turn will come.

Then why is it I'm sat at the computer, having got up to let the dog out, while the DC are still in bed? confusedgrin

Mind you, the Chaoticdog has now taken herself upstairs and jumped on both their beds and is now with DS and is probably whining to him instead of me.

AThingInYourLife Sun 10-Mar-13 08:37:17

Mothering Sunday might not be a Hallmark holiday, but mothers' day definitely is.

I agree with you, pictish.

We don't do mothers' day here. We never did it growing up either.

My own mother hates it.

And seeing all the misery and resentment it seems to create every year on MN has made me understand why.

It seems to be a day where the person being "celebrated" gets to have all kinds if high hopes dashed on the rocks of their family's unwillingness to conform to an unrealistic ideal.

There are also the multiple mothers and "I'm not your mother" problems to contend with.

DH is away for the weekend and I don't think DD1 (nearly 5) realises it is mothers' day.

Lueji Sun 10-Mar-13 08:39:44

Really?

Women expect something from their partners on Mother's day???
Why?

I do something for my mum, I expected ex to do sonething for his, and for him to help DS do something for me.
That's all.

ChaoticisasChaoticdoes Sun 10-Mar-13 08:41:37

Wrt flowers I think I'd rather have no flowers than garage flowers. A cheap bunch from a flower shop/supermarket would be appreciated, I saw a gorgeous bunch of tulips the other day in M&S for about £5, but there's something about garage flowers.

insanityscratching Sun 10-Mar-13 08:42:35

Dh has always made a big thing about Mothers' Day (because my birthday is Christmas Day and so gets lost in the merriment) and so I have had many, many generous gifts through the years.
It's now though that four of my children are adults that Mothers' Day means the most. They buy their own cards and presents and fill them with their own sentiments but what is special is that we sit and eat a roast I cook and spend time together enjoying being a family.
I probably get smaller gifts now, although dh always sends me flowers from them all, but it's the sense of occasion I enjoy the most and I treasure the fact that I'm still celebrating with my adult children when I lost my own mum at seventeen and never got that chance with her.

Well, my Mother's Day will consist of me and DH taking ds1 and ds2 to 2 different football matches and standing in the cold watching grin

All 3 DCs were at different activities yesterday so I got a not from dd this morning with my coffee saying "we haven't forgotten you mum. But because we do not get our pocket money until Saturday we haven't had a chance to get your pressie. But we have picked it out and we will get it for you in the gap between ds1 and ds2 match. And I am cooking dinner tonight"

I have never expected, or wanted DH to buy me a Mother's Day present tbh. I am not his mother. He bought his mum card and flowers.
There's no lie ins either, due to football matches which start at stupid o clock on a Sunday sad

Emilythornesbff Sun 10-Mar-13 08:50:16

Disagree with op (or should I say dh who has secretly logged on as Pictish) on this.
I like the idea of modest expectations for mother's day rather than expecting lavish bouquets of flowers, expensive lunches and generous gifts but I think it's important to recognise days like this. I think most me do pretty well out of family life (certainly most of the me I know) so it's not too much to ask that they remember to get a card from their little ones and bring up a cup of tea so their wife can have even a small lie in.
I said: BRING UP A CUP OF TEA!

Sugarice Sun 10-Mar-13 08:50:54

Mothers day! I hate all of the sentimental commercial bollocks this day entails along with valentines day shite as well!

Emilythornesbff Sun 10-Mar-13 08:51:22

men not me

dawntigga Sun 10-Mar-13 09:04:13

I hate the idea of Mothering Sunday, if you can't show me you love and respect me every single day don't bother on a made up 'holiday' because you feel a bit guilty.

Also, it is MOTHERING SUNDAY not Mother's Day in the UK, which gives me the rage a bit so I think that doesn't help.

Mr Tigga insists on making something of the day even though I say every year I don't want anything. This year I got egg shapers which are cooler than cool but I'd be just as happy if nothing had happened and The Cub told me he loves me. I appreciate the effort they have gone to.

MrTiggaIsCurrentlyHavingALieInTiggaxx

TheMaskedHorror Sun 10-Mar-13 09:07:06

I disagree.
Almost all the posts I've read about Mothers day are mums who just want a token to show that they're appreciated. No one is expecting lavish gifts.

I think its sad that so many mums here don't feel appreciated and a little token gesture from dps on behalf of young children means so much to so many.
I think its fine for those of us who do have caring dps and don't need a specific day to get little gifts, meals made etc but it seems that a lot of people don't have that and need a day like this.

WaitingForMe Sun 10-Mar-13 09:07:57

What impresses me most about DH is the fuss that went on on Thursday night with my DSSs. They are 7 and 4 and still need directing towards making an effort for their mum. If DH didn't do it now, his ex wouldn't get anything. It's not just the card and gift, it's him teaching them to respect and appreciate their mother.

But then I like any excuse for a celebration and steak and blowjob day is honoured in my house.

VIX1980 Sun 10-Mar-13 09:09:37

Sugarice i couldnt have put it better myself.

And here i am with 8 month old ds having been awake since 7am wondering why yet again im the one wo got up last night to feed him at 3, im the one who woke up with him this morning, im the one whose just fed him, and im the one taking him swimming today all while dp has a lie in, lovely sleep and a nice restful day as his back is gone from an old slipped disc injury. Ive gone and bought into all the commercial crap that i said i despised with a passion.

Im not having a moan, it would of been lovely to be appreciated in some small way a lie in for a change on a sunday would of been lovely and enough to show me im cared about as i never ever get a lie in, he offered to make me breakfast but to be honet im quite capable of putting 2 slices of bread in the toaster myself. I just hope when fathers day rolls around he doesnt go expecting something fantastic cos he'll be really miserable if he does smile

DoJo Sun 10-Mar-13 09:10:19

I will be glad when all the angst and 'woe is mum' posts about mother's day are over - if this is the only day a year where you can expect a lie-in and not to be a drudge for your family, then it's the other 364 days you need to worry about. Mother's day shouldn't be a day to make up for being a shit husband/partner/parent the rest of the year.

ubik Sun 10-Mar-13 09:11:16

Mothering Sunday is a religious occasion.

You lot should all be at your 'mother church' instead of scoffing breakfast in bed and feeling aggrieved that DP only managed some wilted carnations from the local garage grin

WitchOfEndor Sun 10-Mar-13 09:11:53

I am letting him off. The necklace I said I'd like for Mother's Day hasn't appeared, he has bought me chocolate even thought he knows I'm on a diet and asked him not to get me any more chocolate and I'm sitting eating half cooked porridge and I have just said thank you and smiled sweetly!

EvenIfYouSeeAPoppy Sun 10-Mar-13 09:13:56

I wonder myself whether the increasing collective princessiness over weddings, Mother's Day etc. is to do, at an unconscious level, with wanting to satisfy needs to feel appreciated and at the centre of others' actions without having to rock any more fundamental boats and tackle issues of day-to-day appreciation, being prized within a relationship/community as a person with needs and ambitions and given the space to fulfil them or have them fulfilled. It's a bit of a half-baked theory atm, but I think there's something in it.

Goldmandra Sun 10-Mar-13 09:14:37

I've had breakfast in bed (Matchmakers and lime squash), lots of cuddles from my girls and now DD1 is doing GCSE revision while DH takes DD2 to Crufts for the day.

I have had Mothering Sunday recognised by both girls in their own way and now they are doing things which make me happy while I sit in bed on MN and Hay Day. In a little while I will get up, put some washing on and start on DD1's DLA form knowing I have peace and quiet.

All is well with the world smile

AThingInYourLife Sun 10-Mar-13 09:14:57

Zingzillas told DD1 it is mothers' day.

So she gave me the card she made. smile

Sweetheart.

I think dojo has it spot on tbh.

If you don't feel appreciated on every other day of the year, if you think this is the only day you can have a lie in or a rest, that's a bigger issue than whether or not you got flowers today

AThingInYourLife Sun 10-Mar-13 09:17:24

"Matchmakers and lime squash"

grin

Now that is a breakfast in bed I could get on board with.

Especially if I had had a few of glasses of wine the night before.

Emilythornesbff Sun 10-Mar-13 09:17:41

Well I like festivals/ celebrations. No, special recognised days shouldn't be the only time that ppl feel appreciated and cared for (hopefully most of us feel loved most of the time) but that doesn't mean we don't mark special occasions in some way.

dummad Sun 10-Mar-13 09:18:23

I actually TEXTED my DH yesterday saying to sort it out because, unless nudged, he never acknowledges any special occasion. I sorted out stuff for both our DMs and grannies and I expect a bunch of flowers back for my efforts. Not a thoughtful gift though-just flowers and a bit of hoovering will do.

I see MD as being more for the mums with small kids who are getting up in the night/coming to terms with losing their figures/work all the hours/constantly need to tidy the house/clear up sick etc etc. To me it's NOT so much for the mums with grown up kids who are no longer hands on with their kids. So I come at it from a different perspective.

I agree with the testing statement though, which is why I was quite upfront with my DH - to save any tears. grin

3monkeys Sun 10-Mar-13 09:32:24

I'm in bed with a coffee. All 3 have been in for a cuddle, Ds1 put the cricket on for me, and when Dd's friend goes home from her sleepover, I may get a present. Then later I will make dinner for my in-laws cos I like them while Dh and Dd are at the match smile

Fakebook Sun 10-Mar-13 09:34:10

I'm not letting him off the hook, because there is no hook to let him off. I don't expect anything on Mother's Day from my husband. I've been getting handmade cards from dd on Mother's Day since she was a baby (was in nursery full time).
I've received another one today in which she has written for the first time.
We're sitting in the living room in our pjs watching TV, me feeling very ill with a raw throat and cold. DS slept through last night for the first time ever at 14 months and I feel less ill thanks to having a full nights sleep. These are better presents than flowers and iPads.

The day is too commercialised and people expect too much from dh's to do things on Mother's Day. You have valentines day for that.

BumgrapesofWrath Sun 10-Mar-13 09:35:08

Actually, I think there is something in your theory, EvenIf!

And totally agree with OP.

But it might be because Mr. Bumgrapes is an all-round good egg.

Catchingmockingbirds Sun 10-Mar-13 09:39:18

hmm I'll be spoiling DP on Father's Day and will do my best to make sure he knows just how much he's appreciated as a dad, if he wants to do the same for me on Mother's Day then why is that wrong?

pictish Sun 10-Mar-13 09:46:32

I am laughing out loud at "Matchmakers and lime squash". grin

Well I'm reading, and effectively listening, but in truth I've heard it all before. It's the same every year on here. The offence, the moaning, the hurt feelings.

I'm still flying the flag for simplifying it (if we have to have it at all) and pretty much taking dhs out of the equation.

It's all very well if it's "just a lie in, and a small token gift...not even a gift, just...you know... a suggestion of a gift in material form...nothing really" soon becomes tears over the absence of the lunch booking, or displeasure at getting the wrong merest suggestion of a gift. And what is this? He wants to go and spend the day with his mother! What am I? CHOPPED LIVER??! shock angry

And you all know it. Read the board!

I agree with what people are saying here...it is nice to rely on your dh to be thoughtful and make the effort...but someone always raises the stakes (usually the media and the retailers) and then we get the scenario above.

When I say "let them off the hook"...I think I mean "keep it simple".

Iaintdunnuffink Sun 10-Mar-13 09:47:58

But it sounds as if you're having quite a bit of nice stuff being done for you today, similar to my day. I'm having breakfast made for me, cards and a book token and I'm very happy. Then my husband will pop over to see his mother later.

We're going to see the OZ film later but we all wanted to see it anyway and using today as an excuse. We often make each other breakfast at the weekends so even thats not some massive unusual treat. My husband will make sure the kids do a little extra tidying up today and assist with the roast.

We both have been brought up recognising Mothers and Father's Day so it's seems perfectly normal to use the day to do a bit of positive parenting and get the children to put a bit of extra effort in and show some appreciation. If my husband didn't put the effort in I wouldn't be expecting my boys to come around in 20 years time with flowers, they'd have grown up thinking it wasn't something they do. Why would I suddenly get my turn then?

I think many of the complaints about Mother's Day are because for many women its a reminder of where they stand in the pecking order. It can't be nice if every year you're not given any extra consideration but are expected to run around after your mil? At the best have a card chucked at you and then hear that tired, old line of you're not my mother. Where's the kindness?

Growlithe Sun 10-Mar-13 09:48:43

It is weird that there have been comments about a 'made up holiday'. In this country Mothering Sunday is not at all a made up holiday. Apart from the day for 'returning to the Mother Church', the tradition of domestic servants (many of whom were still children) being given one day off to go and see their family is part of our social history.

Now, having such a day for children young and old to think about their mums is no bad thing is it? I'm thinking about my mum today. She died 14 years ago. I've become a mum to two girls myself in that time and so now really really appreciate fully what she did for me. I wish I could tell her.

I've got lovely cards full of tissue paper flowers today. My 9 year old wrote a lovely poem in hers. My 4 year old wrote 'I love you mum' by herself for the first time.

DH took them to buy presents yesterday for me. It must have been difficult for him because he only lost his own mum 4 years ago. He didn't do it because I made him, he did it because they wanted to and they are too young to go shopping themselves.

We are going to Frankie and Bennys for tea, because they love it there, so to them its obviously my favourite restaurant too. I'm pleased they will have this treat because unfortunately instead of visiting a couple of lovely nans they will be spending a couple of hours in the car this afternoon visiting cemeteries.

So yes great if you hate all these sentimental days blah blah blah to you. For me its just as important now as when those poor children got chance to see their mums years ago.

pictish Sun 10-Mar-13 09:50:27

Well it should be there all time surely?

Emilythornesbff Sun 10-Mar-13 09:52:36

Yes op, I agree with keeping it simple.

flurp Sun 10-Mar-13 09:55:10

My cousins DH bought her a card from their unborn baby "from the bump" and a silver necklace!
I thought that was sweet (if a bit cheesy grin) but i am a bit hmm that it has become so commercialised that such cards exist!!!
I think any gift should be unprompted or not at all. If you tell someone to buy you a gift surely it loses something because they aren't doing it for the right reasons!!!

MrsMushroom Sun 10-Mar-13 09:58:49

I got a handmade box from DD aged 8 and a chocolate "thing" made by DD aged 5 in school....also lovely cards handmade. DH has shot off to the shops now because he didn't manage to sort anything. hmm I don't hold it against him but I DO think he should have managed it.

I'm not going to say "don't worry!" because I look after our DC very well and on Fathers day I make an effort. I want a frigging treat!

Growlithe Sun 10-Mar-13 10:18:27

Pictish in an ideal world it should be there all the time yes. But as those domestic servants experienced, other things get in the way and you just can't put loved ones first 100% of the time.

Yes you should get love and respect from your children, but you don't want them to be constantly thinking of you and wanting to spend with you. You want them to be independent and have their own lives. That is why a day like today is a good thing, a chance to stop and think and if you can spend a bit of time with your mum.

Hmmmokthen Sun 10-Mar-13 10:19:03

What if teenage children do not do cards and/gifts. What if only one out of the three evens attempts the make a cup of tea thing? I have a gift for my mum and will visit. OH will probably not even to phone his mum let alone send her a card.

Is this scenario worth feeling upset?

But to me its a case of you both being on the same page and having understanding of each other. If you both dont do anything thats fine and dandy, its a decision you`ve both decided, sameways if you make a big deal over it, again decided together.

I think the upset comes when a couple have different expectations and why both dont know what the other wants if that makes sense. Surely the disappointment comes down to communication or lack of?

BoffinMum Sun 10-Mar-13 10:47:33

Well I have just told DH to fuck off as he just lay there as usual while I got up and did everything. He protested 'you could have woken me and asked for help' but AIBU that the point is supposed to be spontaneous attention? He's off out in an hour for the rest of the day as well, so no nice lunch or anything for me. <martyr emoticon>

Catchingmockingbirds Sun 10-Mar-13 11:10:36

DP has just helped (well he done it all really) 6 year old DS make me breakfast in bed, and they've brought me up flowers and 2 cards; one from DS and one from bump saying "I can't wait to meet you".

DP doesn't seem too traumatised by it all, yabu.

Mrsrobertduvall Sun 10-Mar-13 11:19:16

Mothers Day is turning into the angst fest that is Christmas.
I said this yesterday and I'm saying it again today grin
There will be a separate topic next year for it.

i don't know why people get so het up over what is supposed to be a "nice"occasion. Visiting MIL or your own mother, dhs being abused for not being proactive....
I don't like Mothers Day...not important to me. But my teenage dcs bought me chocolate buttons and a card which they didn't have to. Everyone has gone out, I have just done my Jillian Michael Killer abs dvd and enjoying a cup of tea.

TheSeniorWrangler Sun 10-Mar-13 11:21:06

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Tanith Sun 10-Mar-13 11:30:15

I don't agree.

Since when did Mother's Day become all about the grandmother?? There is a Grandparents Day in September - why do they need to hang on to Mother's Day, too?

My mother and MIL have already had their share of flowers and cards and special day all through when we were children. I know that neither of them thought for a moment about bringing us all over to their mothers for the day.

Yet my MIL expects it every year. Cards, flowers, day spent with her.

Actually, I want to spend Mother's Day with my children. Here in my home.

EasilyBored Sun 10-Mar-13 11:32:22

I don't have high expectations of mothers day, all I want is a lie in and a card from DS. Since DS is only 14 months, DH has to be involved. We do the same for fathers day. Neither of us expects a big fan fare or massive gifts, but we make a bit of a fuss of the other person. It's not hard. It's not like I'm asking for a kidney or diamonds. And I do the same for DH.

As a bonus, I got a lovely box of chocolates as well.

Ra88 Sun 10-Mar-13 11:35:55

Well my dp is at work so today has been me and dd on the sofa with our quilts watching tv ! I also had to take him a 40 minute drive to goto work this morning @ 5:45 so no lie in either ! sad

QueenMaeve Sun 10-Mar-13 11:36:42

Yanbu I detest 'days' that decree what we should celebrate. I fully expect my dh to spoil me every day of the year wink

TheSeniorWrangler Sun 10-Mar-13 11:47:36

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BoffinMum Sun 10-Mar-13 11:58:46

Update: DH apologised, also wrote me an apology note, and then the DCs came in and brought me cards, flowers and chocolates. Older DCs have been instructed by DH to avoid fighting for the duration of his absence. DS1 is going to make a nice lunch and not moan about having to eat at the table!

discotequewreck Sun 10-Mar-13 11:58:53

But why this philosophy of appreciation?

Children do not choose to come into the world, what exactly are we thanking mothers for?

For loving us? For providing us with food, warmth, protection? For not abusing us?

It is exactly this sort of thinking that allows abuse to go unchecked and unnoticed. That mothers are somehow deserving just by virtue of being a mother.

And this day is difficult for those who did have abusive mothers, mothers that neglected them or didn't love them.

I don't think dh actually knows that it is mother's day. The dcs don't either. I couldn't give a fig. When I was little we used to gather a bunch of daffs from the garden and make a card for my mum when she was actually home. If my children wanted to do anything for me I'd like a made card or a picture. Something they did themselves I could keep. But I don't need one today- they make them every other day of the year and I don't need to be told how much my family appreciates me. It's sad that its turned into commercial bollocks though. I was with my friend yesterday who was trawling the shops to get a present for her mum who she rarely sees and doesn't really have much of a relationship with. I asked her why she was bothering and she said because you're supposed to. Not because she wants to or because she wants to spoil her mum because she cares. I don't see how plastic tat from the card shop and a bought card can show anyone that you care more than just telling them...

TrinityRhino Sun 10-Mar-13 12:05:59

my girls made me cards and dp took them to the shop to buy some chocolate bars for me

my 12 yr old made breakfast for me

its the first year that I didn't have to pretend to enjoy the breakfast cause she is old enough to manage to make something nice grin

I knew the girls were making cards for me as they always do but dp asked them if they wanted to buy me chocolate too

it was very sweet

for me mothers day is a chance for my girls to get all excited about telling me and showing me how much they love ALL YEAR ROUND

I'm losing my mum to Alzheimers and dps mum died in january so its bittersweet for us but the girls loved it

and I felt happy that my girls wanted to do it

it has never been a husband/partner test for me

.....thats my birthday grin wink

IneedAsockamnesty Sun 10-Mar-13 12:11:40

The only thing I ever expected from a dh is that he would help kids do a cup of tea and bring it to me. So no I wouldn't let them off the hook.

lougle Sun 10-Mar-13 12:21:23

It's about feeling special, isn't it?

I feel special. I have 3 girls and they each made me a card out of a piece of card with some glitter and a pen. I got a small box of ferrero rocher and a mug. DD1 has SN and she had potted some lovely little flowers in a small plant pot at school. DD2 had made a padded heart at school, with beautiful neat sewing and button sewn on - it's beautiful. DD3 gave me a small bunch of flowers (3).

I'm making my Mum feel special by cooking a meal for her at our house, with her favourite meat and her favourite pudding.

I don't feel any less loved and wonderful because I'm also making my Mum feel loved and wonderful, and one day I won't get that choice because she will die, won't she?

Catchingmockingbirds Sun 10-Mar-13 12:40:28

I disagree to an extent with what you've said disco. I had an abusive mother, and although this day makes me feel sad that I missed out on having a loving mother, I still enjoy and appreciate DP and DS spoiling me today.

noblegiraffe Sun 10-Mar-13 13:05:27

Why shouldn't DH make an effort? I might not be his mother, but I am the mother of his children. 6 weeks ago I was sliced and diced to present him with a brand new daughter so I'm not going to 'let him off the hook' as if my motherhood is nothing to do with him.

When the kids get a bit older then they can take over the breakfast and flower duties, but until then, yes, I expect him to make the effort on their behalf to appreciate my being a mother to them.

Growlithe Sun 10-Mar-13 13:07:13

Children do not choose to come into the world, what exactly are we thanking mothers for?

Disco are you Kevin the Teenager?

flurp Sun 10-Mar-13 13:15:06

Actually I agree with Disco a bit.
It's no hardship to love and care for my dc - it is easy and a pleasure.
It's what they deserve and what is expected of me as their mum.
(I'm still happily scoffing the thorntons chocolates they bought for me though! winkgrin)

Theicingontop Sun 10-Mar-13 13:25:00

I'd have just liked a card. Something that I can put in a little box somewhere, so I can look at the little squiggle that DS contributed in twenty years time and have an aww moment. That's all! I wasn't expecting breakfast in bed or flowers, just a token card.

And actually, it would have been fine that he hadn't bothered today, if he made an effort on my birthday.

Father's day will be spectacularly ignored this year, as will his birthday.

Flosshilde Sun 10-Mar-13 13:51:19

I'd be quite happy with a card. I got a hand made card from nursery from DS and DH also took him out and they bought me another card and some flowers. Lovely.

What hacked me off was the assumption from DH and the ILs that I would want to spend my Sunday, at 36 weeks pregnant, squeezed round BILs tiny dining table whilst everyone worshipped MIL. We last saw them on Friday and I haven't seen my own mum for ages through no fault of either of us. No thanks. So I put my foot down and DH and DS have gone on their own. I have nothing disturbing me other than the sound of the washing machine spinning. Bliss.

Thewhingingdefective Sun 10-Mar-13 14:05:49

I only ever expected a card from DH on behalf of my DCs when they were little babies, as it was a tough journey to motherhood and I was thrilled and proud to finally be one. Getting a Mothering Sunday card was special.

Now, my DCs make cards and gifts at school or at the childminder's and I have no expectation of DH to make a fuss.

I did get a lie in, breakfast in bed and presents today though, as it is also my birthday smile

3monkeys Sun 10-Mar-13 15:19:34

I am having a lovely day but then rang my mother who is 200 miles away. I sent her flowers and a present from Lakeland, and after she'd said thank you for them, she asked was her card on the way yet?! I dare say my bloody sister won't have bothered to go round yet, but will remember card and present an therefore be perfect. I don't know why I bother sometimes

I said to my mum that I would pop in & see her today but she said why not pop in with children yesterday as it is my day too. So we went visit my mum with cards, chocs, flowers, us & then went to visit my mil. Both were delighted with this. Today my ds (3) gave me 2 homemade cards & lots of kisses & cuddles & told me he loved me a lot. My dd (13) gave me huge box of chocs, lovely card & plant & got up to come to church with me & the boy which was nice. Dh was working at 7 but supplied dd with the funds for chocs etc. at church we all got daffodils. I feel loved & blessed & have had a lovely day & spent lovely time with my mum & mil yesterday.
Hope all other mums are having a good day.
Next Sunday dh, dd & ds are going to a cup game for football & will be out from 9am to 7pm. I CAN NOT WAIT!!!

ubik Sun 10-Mar-13 17:16:02

My mum is in the arctic circle right now, but will send her a text grin

Thingiebob Sun 10-Mar-13 17:35:23

Last year I got a bunch of flowers... from MY mum!

A lovely card saying 'to a brilliant mummy, you deserve them'. I was so touched and surprised. I wasn't that fussed about Mother's Day to be honest.

ubik ??? Is she really?

ubik Sun 10-Mar-13 21:55:39

Well - the Norway part grin
But she is taking husky rides, searching fir the northern lights and sampling an ice hotel.

That is epic grin My mum is in NZ (because she lives there) and I skyped her last night, but she didn't know it was mothers day til I told her. She's not interested in that kind of thing anyway. But good on your mum! I want to be like that when I'm older wink

fluffypillow Sun 10-Mar-13 22:01:44

op if Mothers day is about appreciating your Mother, then why did your DH take you out to lunch, and leave your kids with a relative ?????

How has your DH been left 'off the hook' exactly? You are being treated to breakfast in bed, cards and lunch out. If you got none of these things, and your DH totally ignored the fact that it was a special day for you, only treating his own Mum............would you be fine with that??? Not give it second thought?

I doubt it.

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