This generation&#6527 9; will never know the joy of being married 50 years how sad.

(75 Posts)
500DaysofSeasons Fri 08-Mar-13 19:17:41

Aibu to think this comment is smug and sad?

(A comment on YouTube that got 107 likes) (YouTube of all the things to get offended by grin )

Years ago divorce was not a common thing and viewed as very scandalous - especially for women.
Men and women had very defined role - the man went out to work to earn the money and the woman stayed at home and did housekeeping and raised the children.
People also got married very young.
So yes lots of people celebrated 50 years of marriage.

I prefer to live in this day and age, where a woman had more than being married and having children as a goal in life and would stay in an unhappy marriage purely because of how society would judge her if she got divorced.

Aibu to not agree with the above comment?

zwischenzug Fri 08-Mar-13 19:20:30

I think most people who extoll the virtues of marriage are probably just insecure about the value of their own decision to get married and want to pressure others into conforming.

Half the time the marriages weren't joyous. People stayed with each other because they were trapped. I'd rather have a happy 10 year marriage than a 50 year marriage that I was only in because I had to be.

Cakecrumbsinmybra Fri 08-Mar-13 19:21:48

No YANBU OP, there must have been so many people in unhappy marriages, men and women. However, i don't see why people today won't get to see 50 years of marriage, so it is smuggery indeed. I like to think I will live to 80 and still be married to DH smile - that would be 50 years.

BertieBotts Fri 08-Mar-13 19:22:43

I'm sure there are people in "this" generation (which? There are several generations alive now!) who will be married for 50 years.

Although I agree with you definitely - I'd much rather see people free to divorce without stigma than see many long marriages, although I hope that people have long and happy marriages if that makes sense!

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

gordyslovesheep Fri 08-Mar-13 19:31:34

yanbu - women did work - women have always worked - and divorce hasn't been 'scandalous' for years - my parents divorced in 1972 ...no scandal

cory Fri 08-Mar-13 19:31:58

As others have said:

the fact that some people get divorced doesn't mean there aren't plenty of others who will go on to enjoy lasting marriages

the fact that life expectancy is higher means that a happy marriage has a better chance of lasting longer

and as Lunatic points out, people did not necessarily marry young in the past: many had to wait until they were in their 30s or even 40s for financial reasons

dh and I have been together 30 years and I'm not even 50- given average life expectancy in our respective families, we may well be looking at 70 years together

HollyBerryBush Fri 08-Mar-13 19:33:27

Life expectancy is extended. I didn't marry until I was 27, I could expect to be married 47 years if I average life expectancy for my age at 74.

My parents married at 18 and 22, they were married 43 years.

I am in horror at my mate who also married at 19 - she's rocking on her 30th anniv now! But! but! we aren't old enough to be married 30 years, are we???? grin

Men and women had very defined role - the man went out to work to earn the money and the woman stayed at home and did housekeeping and raised the children.

Can't think where I read it the other day, but couples who maintain traditional roles tend to be happier and stick together then those who take more modern paths. I'm sure someone will be along shortly to tell me that every married woman is subjugated.

I'd also hazard a guess that there are a lot of women out there who have to work for financial reasons rather than want to work. Big difference!

Trazzletoes Fri 08-Mar-13 19:34:39

I'm glad that I'm not forced by law/society to stay in my marriage if it becomes unhappy.

Equally I fully intend to celebrate my 50th wedding anniversary. Yes there's more to my life than DH and the DCs but my marriage is still a very important part of my life.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Booyhoo Fri 08-Mar-13 19:37:38

i'm 26. i dont think it's absurd to think if i got married now i would live to 76 and voila! have had 50 years of marriage. although TBH, based on the majority of marriages i know very well, 50 years of that doesn't sound like something i'd want to aim for.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ChestyLeRoux Fri 08-Mar-13 19:43:10

Im 29 and dh is 28 and weve been married ten years next year.I know a few people in that position and were not involved in organised religion,dont follow traditional roles etc.

"I'd also hazard a guess that there are a lot of women out there who have to work for financial reasons rather than want to work. Big difference!"

Is the same not true of men.?

HollyBerryBush Fri 08-Mar-13 19:46:41

For anyone who is interested in social history, and it comes back to 'class' again - the working class, which was far and away the largest class in society pre WW2, women always worked - it was only the boom time of the 50/60/70's where women could afford to stay at home.

But then there is also work and careers - again the two being very different.

Women have always worked, unless they have had a man to support the family or inheritance to support the unmarried woman. (Thats more impovrished gentry, true middle/merchant class).

MerylStrop Fri 08-Mar-13 19:47:00

What Missy Moon said

My maternal grandparents endured 52 years of marriage. From what my mum says they pretty much hated each other from the time the children arrived. I never remember seeing them being in the same room together (and they lived in a one bedroom bungalow).

Economic necessity as much as fear of scandal kept people together.

ChestyLeRoux Fri 08-Mar-13 19:56:38

My parents are the only ones from their group of friends at school not divorced.My mum said its because she always worked whereas they quit work at 20 shock when they had children as many had no choice,whereas my mum has a good job. Once the kids had grown up they got jobs and very quickly left their dhs,as before that thry had no choice.We have a lot more choices these days luckily.

MummytoKatie Fri 08-Mar-13 20:09:26

It is sad that a lot of marriages don't last these days but I think it would be worse if people were still stuck in them no matter what.

Incidentally at 33 I am a quarter of the way to my golden wedding so I think I have decent odds of making it.....

I find it fascinating how widespread the assumption that working women is a new thing is. No woman in my family has ever not worked. My mother worked FT. All my aunts worked. My grandmothers worked. My great grandmothers worked. It's not that unusual. None of my school friends had a SAHM either. The whole daily mail 1950s utopia seemed to miss out where I grew up entirely.

Bunbaker Fri 08-Mar-13 20:30:35

"I think most people who extoll the virtues of marriage are probably just insecure about the value of their own decision to get married and want to pressure others into conforming."

Or perhaps they are genuinely happy?

You sound rather cynical.

sarahtigh Fri 08-Mar-13 20:33:51

if stats are true 56-8% of married couples do not divorce so I think the average age for women to marry is about 29 to men roughly 2 years older, so if they live the average lifespan they would expect to be married on average 44 years so I think that would allow for plenty to reach 50 years

although the rate of marriage failure is 4 in 10 that still means that 6 in 10 do not fail

one set of grandparents were not really happy the other set were very happy so are my parents on 46 years and my mother was always SAHM,

success i think long term is being friends as well as lovers, similar moral values and goals in life; respecting and valuing each other and having something to say to each other apart from can you pick up milk?, did freddy have his inhaler? your turn to do swimming run, did you pay car tax?

expatinscotland Fri 08-Mar-13 20:35:51

YANBU. Nostalgic BS this is.

ratbagcatbag Fri 08-Mar-13 20:40:50

My lovely in laws celebrated 60 years of marriage yesterday, and it's so sad as FIL is in hospital and will be coming out to go into a home, dmil was upset by this but still loved the card from the queen.

I'm 30 and been married 4 years, DH however is 49, so it will take a massive achievement to make 50 years, let alone 60, which is sad but so long as we have a happy marriage then the milestones are just a nice to have.

That said, five people I know git married and separated within six months of the marriage. So maybe people do see it as easier to. Walk away, which I do think should be the case if they need too

Admits may have missed point of thread.

zwischenzug Fri 08-Mar-13 20:42:21

Or perhaps they are genuinely happy?

Most people who are genuinely happy don't feel the need to bang on about how their lifestyle choices are superior to those of others. They just get on with being happy.

sicutlilium Fri 08-Mar-13 20:46:04

Make the most of the defence of marital coercion before it's removed from the statute book.

LessMissAbs Fri 08-Mar-13 20:46:55

HollyBush I'd also hazard a guess that there are a lot of women out there who have to work for financial reasons rather than want to work. Big difference

I am sure plenty of men feel exactly the same!

OP YANBU, not at all. Some stupid guff out there on YouTube!

Adversecamber Fri 08-Mar-13 20:49:04

Hollyberrybush, my Nan was a bus driver, which was highly unusual. One bad thing she was a strike breaker in the general strike ! I would like to think I did my best to wipe that shame out as I was a trade union activist for many years.

Knowsabitabouteducation Fri 08-Mar-13 20:49:23

We've been married 26 years.

I hope that we can make it to 50 years and beyond, DV.

sicutlilium Fri 08-Mar-13 20:49:46

ratbagcatbag "git married": perhaps that was the problem wink.

HollyBerryBush Fri 08-Mar-13 20:53:06

I'm sure plent y of men do feel the same, but the OP was commenting on traditional roles - traditionally men work, women nurture.

We can expand the conversation - I'd much like it if I had my career back rather than went to work and DH would be over the moon to be the SAHP - simple fact of the matter is, due to my career break, he is now the major wage earner and it would take me another 10 years to get up to his earning power, on the assumption pay rises ever came back into play in this economic climate, so we are both stuck in roles we don't particularly like, but we do it for the best interests of the the children.

Bunbaker Fri 08-Mar-13 20:54:26

"Most people who are genuinely happy don't feel the need to bang on about how their lifestyle choices are superior to those of others. They just get on with being happy."

I agree.

Weissdorn Fri 08-Mar-13 20:57:21

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

chandellina Fri 08-Mar-13 21:36:38

Yabu, it will never not be in the interests of children to have their parents together, barring extreme situations such as domestic violence. So that's at least 20 years or so. After 20 years I'd hope you have a strong platform for the rest of your life.

Unfortunately a lot of people just want to jump ship and do it all over again with someone "fresh" rather than make a genuine commitment to a lifelong love.

KitCat26 Fri 08-Mar-13 21:59:30

Non of my grandparents or great grandparents were married for 50 years. My parents may last though.

One set of great grandparents were on the verge of divorce in the early 1960s (death got in the way) but they hated each other. They were wealthy (hence considering the expensive option of divorce) and she did not work.

All the other women in my family had jobs, either in nursing, secretarial positions or in shops. I think all the rest rubbed along ok, with one set being devoted to each other.

It is unlikely that I will reach 50 years with DH. He was 43 when we got hitched, I was 25. We'll enjoy the time we have, and if we don't there is always the option of divorce! grin

LadyPessaryPam Fri 08-Mar-13 22:06:55

I am married, now at the 24 year mark. It has worked for us. It also makes future genealogists jobs so so much easier grin

Booyhoo Fri 08-Mar-13 22:07:33

"Yabu, it will never not be in the interests of children to have their parents together,"

Umm, who mentioned children, or the best interests of or suggested that people who are married for 50 years have children or are married to the other parent of their children?

what a random irrelevant comment confused

LadyPessaryPam Fri 08-Mar-13 22:09:18

sicutlilium Make the most of the defence of marital coercion before it's removed from the statute book.

Love it, very funny grin

chandellina Fri 08-Mar-13 23:19:45

Oh sorry boohyhoo, I was only referring to that little seen phenomenon of married people having children, happens oh I don't know about 75 or 80 percent of the time in long term couples.

RedToothBrush Fri 08-Mar-13 23:36:05

The last generation will never know the joy of being married 40 years and having 10 years of freedom. How sad

It cuts both ways.

Personally I think its nice to have the choice of either.

bruffin Fri 08-Mar-13 23:38:57

There are 6of us who meet for lunch each week all around 50 yrs old. All have been in the 25+ year relationships and all beven married over 20 years. There is no reason some of use won't make 50th anniversaries.

Well, I guess I am from a long line of freaks, as all of my family (both sides) are all still on first marriages, or are widows. None, barring my mother, are religious.
DH and I married at twenty, so I think we stand a decent chance of lasting 50 years.
I have been a sahp, a whop, and a mature student, DH has been each of these things too, I wonder if that will have an impact?

Bunbaker Sat 09-Mar-13 09:27:18

I have been married for nearly 32 years and couldn't imagine being with anyone else, nor want to be. I would like to think we could manage at least another 18 years together. And (whispers) we are happy with each other.

NUFC69 Sat 09-Mar-13 10:24:36

We have been married for 41 years this year (got married in our mid 20s) - I keep vaguely in touch with a lot of old school friends and none of them is divorced. In fact I know very few people who are divorced. I think it said in the newspaper this week that the average marriage lasts 12 years which seems rather sad to me - all those people who, presumably, went into marriage with high hopes of it lasting.

Booyhoo Sat 09-Mar-13 10:33:02

no chandelina you referred to what was in the best interests of the children (that no-one had mentioned).

this thread isn't about children at all. it was about marriages reaching the 50 year mark. nothing to do with whether 'the (hypothetical) children' fared better with parents who stayed married or not.

although i can see you're coming at this with a very clear predjudice so im not really sure there's much point entering into discussion with you about it.

Booyhoo Sat 09-Mar-13 10:35:44

NUFC did those figures take into account the death of a partner or was it just divorces?

also, not everyone sees marriage as a lifelong arrangement (and that isn't necessarily a sad/bad thing)

Trills Sat 09-Mar-13 10:35:59
motherinferior Sat 09-Mar-13 10:39:57

I myself feel sorry for the people who've never had the pleasure of a wide variety of sexual partners.

<looks resignedly at monogamous future>

Bunbaker Sat 09-Mar-13 10:46:20

"I myself feel sorry for the people who've never had the pleasure of a wide variety of sexual partners."

You are making the assumption that people who have been married a long time are married to their first lover. Besides, long marrieds are probably monogamous by nature and don't feel like they are missing out.

Trills Sat 09-Mar-13 10:49:32

I feel sorry for people who can't accept that different people like different things and what's best for them might not be best for everyone else.

Peace and love everyone.

There are lots of things that some people will never know the 'joy' of, because there is not enough room in any human life to cram in every conceivable experience. Some will never know the joy of group sex, others will miss out on the delightful sense of achievement that you get from composing a symphony. It's probably nice enough to have a happy marriage that lasts a long time, but it's not exactly achieving the cure for cancer, is it?

Booyhoo Sat 09-Mar-13 10:50:21

grintrills

Booyhoo Sat 09-Mar-13 10:52:06

oops. that was a grin for the youtube comments link.

TheBigJessie Sat 09-Mar-13 15:21:10

I see no reason why my marriage shouldn't last until I'm 60... Either the author is making a judgmental assumption, or they know I'm going to die before I get to pensionable age. Probably the first one.

Meanwhile I'm sad so many people have never known the joys of maths, or even the simple pleasure of mental arithmetic without rote-learning times tables. grin

So many wonderful things in life, aren't there?

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PinkBottleGreenBottle Sat 09-Mar-13 15:30:59

What utter nonsense.

There's nothing to say that many of us won't be married for 50 years. And of the ones who won't, I expect that much of that will be through choice. Not pressure of society, not financial constraints, but choice in the way they want to live their lives.

If the people "liking" that status want to get sad about something, perhaps they should be sadder for previous generations who didn't know the joy of being married 50 years because so many young men were killed in world wars.

RedToothBrush Sat 09-Mar-13 17:04:57

I think it said in the newspaper this week that the average marriage lasts 12 years

If the average marriage only lasts 12 years, then I would say its people who marry twice, three times or more who ruin the stats...

Given the average person has less than one breast and less than one testicle, I won't be loosing sleep over it or thinking I've only got X amount of years of marriage left.

anewyear Sat 09-Mar-13 17:19:55

Its my parents 50th wedding anniversary at the end of this month.
DH and I have been together 21 years in April.
My sister and brother in law have been together 26 yrs this year.
Just sayin..

TheBigJessie Sat 09-Mar-13 18:13:21

No, 20 grin but I'm assuming pension age is going to be 70 for my generation. At least.

If I just count from our actual start of relationship anniversary (instead of the piece of paper that we always have to look up the date of) we're already on ten years. You-tube commentator would faint!

TheBigJessie Sat 09-Mar-13 18:21:10

Oh, hang on, I see what you mean, LunaticFringe. That's a copy and paste typo. I started a new post, and didn't back-space everything. That's incredibly humiliating. It's supposed to say "50 more years" not "until I'm 60".

<Commits Hara-kiri>

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

chandellina Sat 09-Mar-13 23:02:32

"no one mentioned children"

How ridiculous, it's impossible to talk about marriage without talking about children. Even in the relatively rare case where there aren't any, the lack of is a part of the relationship too.

Booyhoo Sat 09-Mar-13 23:19:47

it is entirely possible. this thread managed it before you arrived with whatever your agenda is. this thread is about some people saying it was sad that (in their own opinions) people of this (which?) generation wouldn't experience a 50 year marriage, they didn't say, it's sad because teh chidlren will suffer. tehy just said it was sad. no children were mentioned. children are not the topic in question. length of marriage is. regardless of whether children were present or not. the topic of whether children fare better or not when their parents are married (to each other?) is a whole other thread and not relevant to this one.

Happymum22 Sat 09-Mar-13 23:34:33

I think it is really lovely when you see a couple who are just wonderful together and even through petty arguments you can see they are still very much in love. Unfortunately it isn't that often, but when you do see it, it is lovely and heart-warming.
The reality is most couples (I think 2/3 of kids have divorced parents now) don't stick it out, probably because of all the pressures on us- good and bad.
Lots used to stay in awful relationships with abuse or just no love purely because divorce, to them, just wasn't an option. We probably still celebrate the same number of HAPPY, 100% HONESTLY WONDERFUL LOVE FILLED marriages (of course with the odd blip along the way), we just used to also celebrate abuse filled horrific marriages.

My grandparents were incredible, the love they had for each other was just so heart warming and touching. Most of all was the care, they just were always looking after each other. They had the worst bickers about the silliest things, and then an hour later would be strolling down the road hand in hand. When things got really tough, they pulled together. They are the biggest role model and, to me, example of a marriage to be celebrated.

CardinalRichelieu Sat 09-Mar-13 23:35:36

Your first mistake was reading the comments of Youtube videos. I often have trouble imagining that the people who write some of them actually exist, and presumably get through their day to day lives.

bangwhizz Sun 10-Mar-13 10:45:09

Lots of marriages do last

MammaTJ Sun 10-Mar-13 11:00:23

As someone twice divorced, the first time my H used to enjoy hitting me and trying to control me, the second was a cheating bastard, I could not agree more. I would much rather be living with my DP than still be married to either of those men and 'celebrating' 50 years of marriage someday.

Jelly15 Sun 10-Mar-13 11:11:22

I will be 69 when my DH and I celebrate our golden wedding anniversary and he will be 72. It is our silver next year and, other than death, fully expect to reach it. Both sets of my grandparents reached their 50th and my parents will next year. Out of those four marriages I think two have stayed to gether because it was expected and the done thing, mine not being one of them.

motherinferior Sun 10-Mar-13 12:37:22

Does it really matter? I think of my parents whose marriage has lasted more than 50 years and I shudder to think how little I would want a partnership like theirs. Why on earth should we fetishise this idea of long-term coupledom, not least because it clearly doesn't work for many people (they have sex with other people, they split up or they are simply mismatched and unhappy for decades). If 50 years of marriage floats your boat, fine for you. But, you know, it's not everyone's boat.

Bunbaker Sun 10-Mar-13 12:54:25

But it floats my boat. I wish people who don't want or enjoy long term relationships didn't make disparaging remarks about those of us lucky enough to have a lifelong partner that they don't wish to part ex for a different model.

There is a lot of nastiness about or is it jealousy?

PinkBottleGreenBottle Sun 10-Mar-13 18:35:04

Eh? I haven't seen any disparaging remarks about long-term couples in a happy marriage.

motherinferior Sun 10-Mar-13 20:34:39

I'm in a long term relationship. One of a number I have sustained over the years. grin

motherinferior Sun 10-Mar-13 21:20:02

And the thing that riles me is that we are sold this 50 years model not simply as the ideal, but as something that if we don't achieve we have somehow failed.

Heteromonogamy's just another hobby. really. If you like it and you're good at it, go ahead, enjoy, knock yourself out. I'm about as interested in that as I would be in your best ever score at tiddlywinks.

Bunbaker Mon 11-Mar-13 19:12:58

"Heteromonogamy's just another hobby. really. If you like it and you're good at it, go ahead, enjoy, knock yourself out. I'm about as interested in that as I would be in your best ever score at tiddlywinks."

^^

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