to still avoid the woman who bullied me in school?

(110 Posts)
Theicingontop Fri 08-Mar-13 17:44:22

I was bullied by one girl in school, she was the classic bully, very popular. Pushed me into muddy puddles, stole my things and threw them into bins, physically attacked me as well as spreading quite vicious (for our age) rumours about me. She wasn't pleasant to many people outside her loyal pack of friends, but I seemed to be her main target. It was completely unprovoked, based solely on the fact that I looked and dressed differently. It damaged my school life quite considerably to the point where for the last two years I barely attended, and though I went back a couple of years later to retake them, it ruined my chances at passing my GCSEs. I was an anxious, depressed mess.

Fast forward to our mid-twenties and we still live in the same town. I see her regularly in town, and I avoid avoid avoid. I won't make eye contact, I won't acknowledge her presence. She was in the queue behind me the other day and I didn't even look in her direction, I just don't want to see her face. It's actually still quite painful to think of all that she put me through, for nothing, just for her enjoyment.

I went to a gig with an old friend recently, a rare night out for both of us. This woman was there too, because apparently in recent years she's gotten over her aversion to 'disgusting grungers who don't wash and wear goff makeup', and has married the drummer in a local band that was playing that night. The woman came over to us, and hugged my friend. I realised who it was and walked away without a word.

Friend defended her, in her words "She's alright now, she's really changed. We get on really well now." Now, this woman targeted my friend too, albeit not as severely as me, so I'm at a loss trying to understand why my friend would suddenly want this woman in her life. Yes, it happened years ago, but I just don't understand the need.

Friend thinks I am being completely unreasonable, and living in the past. I don't think I am, in fact I've gone long ways to put the past behind me and never think about those terrible years. I just don't feel the need to have the woman that tormented me for years, in my life. So it seems this woman is part of the same social circle now. Am I being unreasonable in not acknowledging her?

BubblegumPie Fri 08-Mar-13 17:46:50

Don't let her win, by walking away you're letting her keep the power.

She probably has changed, but you don't want to be friends with her and that's completely up to you. Just smile and nod, don't engage but don't make a big deal out of it.

Meglet Fri 08-Mar-13 17:51:43

Yanbu. I'm 24yrs on from the crap some of the girls gave me at senior school but I don't acknowledge them and blocked their FB friend requests. They did huge damage to me, I left school at 14 and never had a normal teenage life.

Except one, we basically ignored each other at toddler group for months then she very nicely congratulated me on my DC2 when she was born. So we say hello if we bump into each other, although we've never mentioned school.

thezebrawearspurple Fri 08-Mar-13 17:53:03

Teenage girls can be vile, I know I was, it's still no excuse and youth doesn't lessen the victims experience. If she was genuinely remorseful she would have recognised what she did and apologised to you already. She may have changed, she might be worse, who cares? To you, she's the bitch that ruined your school life and that has had a horrible effect. You're entitled to ignore her forever if you wish, especially considering that she has made no attempt to right her wrongs. yanbu.

NotTreadingGrapes Fri 08-Mar-13 17:53:11

YANBU. I remember the girl who bullied me (40 yrs ago) and I certainly would not want anything to do with her.

scarlettsmummy2 Fri 08-Mar-13 17:53:57

I would be super nice to her, lull her into a false sense of security then confront her about her behaviour. Really, really embarrass her.

DameFanny Fri 08-Mar-13 17:57:45

Yanbu. If I ever run into Verruca Fantana* again from junior school I'll be doing the same as you. Or slapping her.

*made up name, natch

HavingALittleFaithBaby Fri 08-Mar-13 18:03:14

Did you ever have any counselling about this? It sounds like a very traumatic experience. It also sounds like you're holding on to a lot of hurt. I don't think it's unreasonable to want to avoid her but actually it sounds like you can't! Maybe you need to consider trying to move forward.

How would you feel if she apologised?

Theicingontop Fri 08-Mar-13 18:07:54

No counselling, no. Never thought about it to be honest, when I (officially) left school it was like a weight had been lifted, and I never looked back. I don't think about it but this I guess has brought it to the forefront of my mind recently.

I don't think her apologising would make the slightest difference. I don't believe for a minute that someone that hurtful could change their personality, I just think she's changed her social circle.

quesadilla Fri 08-Mar-13 18:08:37

YANBU. I am still in occasional contact through mutual friends with someone who treated me badly at school. Bullying might be overstating it, it only happened twice and didn't involve violence but was designed to humiliate. I have a couple of friends who are still in touch and swear she is a different person. Maybe. But until she apologises to me I'm fucked if I am talking to her. Don't care if that allows her to keep her power or that it was nearly 30 years ago. I wouldn't piss on her if she was on fire.

thebody Fri 08-Mar-13 18:11:54

Oh definatly tell her exactly what she put you through calmly and in front of a large audience.

That will make you feel better op and push out the hurt and pain back into her. I did this. It made me feel very strong and my experience was no way as bad as yours.

Then decide if you want to forgive and move on.

bangwhizz Fri 08-Mar-13 18:15:42

I was bullied at school , but get on ok with the bullies now.they were kids then and different people now (although we are all in our 40s now)

Overthehillmum Fri 08-Mar-13 18:19:08

I will probably be flamed for this but....when I was at school I was bullied, to the point that I tried to take an overdose (13), and then spent three years thinking every day about killing myself, I married very young mainly to get away from my home town, and spent most of my twenties in a total depression. I met the main culprit when I was in my late twenties, she was a mother of 4, each to one night stands, she was horrible, hard and obviously didn't have a happy life, she was embarrassed when we were introduced, I said something like "oh, yes, I know xxxx" and walked away. I was happy her life was shite! Obviously now I look back and think she took whatever was going on in her life out on "posh" children, but I will never forgive her or her friends for what they put me through. I am now happy, successful and acknowledge that they did toughen me up, but no, I still hate her. So You Are Not Being Unreasonable.

AgentZigzag Fri 08-Mar-13 18:19:20

YANBU to be completely unnerved by having to face someone who caused you so much aggro in the past, your friend obviously hasn't had anything happen to her that's affected the very core of who you are it's been so bad.

You shouldn't have to spend time with her if you don't want to, and nobody should pressure you to.

But I would say that some kind of contact with this woman may let you come to terms with what happened, but you'd be in a completely different place to being at her mercy at school. You'd be in control and not powerless, and if the end game is making yourself feel better, it's possible it could do that.

Your friend's right though, people can and do change. I'm not the person I was at school (and I was also bullied all the way through it) and a lot of people who bully as children are absolutely disgusted at the way they behaved (sometimes for plausible reasons like a shitty home life (not that that excuses it)) she may be the same.

ENormaSnob Fri 08-Mar-13 18:19:55

I would be her bezzie mate whilst plotting my sweet revenge.

<cue psycho music>

BreasticlesNotTesticles Fri 08-Mar-13 18:25:49

Hmmm, one of my close friends is friends with a girl who bullied me (unsuccessfully really) at secondary school.

Bully knows I know what she is like. I have a better life than her so karma.

However, I do feel sorry for her because she had a shit homelife and that was why she was a violent cow troubled.

I have told my friend though what she did to me, and will only tolerate her for my friend,. Sure enough she is back to being a pain in the arse ad friend is now moving away from her...

People will find out what she is like.

DonderandBlitzen Fri 08-Mar-13 18:29:05

YANBU at all but i think your friend is being quite unreasonable actually to be unsympathetic and expect you just to brush it off. Have you tried to talk to her to explain just how it affected you? I think she is being pretty insensitive to expect you to hang out with this woman, just because the bullying she was subjected to was a lot milder and less damaging than yours. I tend to judge people a bit by the company they keep and my opinion of her would go down if she was pally with her despite knowing what you suffered.

Snoopingforsoup Fri 08-Mar-13 18:49:43

These bitches leave a nasty mark, no matter how long ago it was.
I agree with above that in a way, by avoiding her, she still holds that power. I wouldn't run from her now but hold your head high and hold a steady gaze. She owes you an apology. Maybe in the future she'll give it if she really has changed.
You know what she was like, and so does she! I always find the worst bullies are the most brazen in pretending nothing happened years on. A couple of teen tyrants I had to tolerate were the first to send chirpy 'how are you?' Messages on Friends Reunited!!!
Don't avoid her, but show your distaste for her by being indifferent.

Erimentha Fri 08-Mar-13 19:37:53

YANBU the girl who bullied me through primary and secondary school now lives in one of the houses opposite and has done for over a year. I refuse to talk to her or make eye contact (last time I did she beat me round the head) I do occasionally glare at her out the window from behind the curtains where she can't see me as she walks past. From all accounts she is still a horrible person and a bully.

ZZZenAgain Fri 08-Mar-13 19:40:33

it is fine, keep your distance from people who cause you this kind of stress. Your friend can do what she wants of course but you don't have to join in. However, I think if you are out and about with your friend and she is getting all chummy with the school bully, it will keep bringing it up for you and stressing you out, so I don't know if it will get it in the way of your friendship in the end.

theodorakisses Fri 08-Mar-13 19:47:55

No way, I was bullied many years ago by a male colleague on a child protection issue (I was pastoral head at a boarding school and objected to the head belittling and upsetting year 3s "to man them up". I ended up leaving and moving to Africa, Asia and the ME and am fine now but still fantasise about meeting him on a dark night. There is nothing wrong with wanting karma to take it's course as long as you don't let it make you the person you are today except when it makes you better.

lljkk Fri 08-Mar-13 19:52:50

I was bullied, too, and would find it hard to even be in the same room with my tormentors. 35 yrs ago now, eek!

There's no absolute right or wrong, OP, your mate doesn't get it because she wasn't the one bullied.

Snazzynewyear Fri 08-Mar-13 19:56:52

YANBU. If you want to walk away when you see her and not speak, then you do that - it's completely your choice and you do what you're comfortable with. Re your friend, I would say, if/when she brings it up, 'We see this very differently and I don't think there's any need for us to argue about it, but you need to respect my choices and I will respect yours'. If she persists, you need to keep saying this and then say you don't want to discuss it further. Don't feel you have to go further in justifying your feelings. You don't.

rainrainandmorerain Fri 08-Mar-13 20:03:18

I don't think you are being unreasonable in doing whatever makes you feel most at peace. (well - within legal limits, and without going crazy, obvs).

I can't see how you owe it to anyone else to behave in a particular way. It sounds as if your friend would like you both to get on to make HER life easier, but as it is something which caused you so much unhappiness and disruption, it's not realistic. If you are only in your mid 20s, school bullying isn't that much behind you, really.

It is probably worth taking a bit of time to be sure that you are responding to your former bully in the best way for you. Forget your friend, or what anyone else wants - you need to be confident yourself about how you handle the situation. It might be being cool and minimising contact - it might be 'facing up' to her - It depends what is right for you and your personality. It's not up to you to make anyone else happy though.

LatteLady Fri 08-Mar-13 20:22:09

I still avoid walking down a road where my bully lived... mind you, I also remember how she plucked her eyebrows to within an inch of their lives and have just realised that they probably no longer exist! grin

Just nod and move on, whilst remembering Eleanor Roosevelt, "Nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent"... and you aren't playing because you have a great and happy life to lead.

LynetteScavo Fri 08-Mar-13 20:26:43

YANBU. I would be the same and I'm 15 years older than you.

I was in a similar situation in my mid 20's. I think some of the people who bullied me honestly don't realise how unhappy they made me. But why should I be nice to them. I even secretly feel glad when I hear their lives aren't great

ModreB Fri 08-Mar-13 20:36:39

I was bullied at school by a group, horribly.

I married the lad that one of the Bully's really liked. She was horrified when she found out, several years later, that we were together. We are still together after nearly 3 decades.

I turned down the job application for one of the Bully's (I didn't know at the time it was her)

I stood across the court as a witness (I was on the right side, she was on the wrong (convicted) side) from another of the group of Bully's. I won.

Living life well really works grin

TheDeadlyDonkey Fri 08-Mar-13 20:45:26

I wouldn't piss on one of my bullies if they were on fire.
YANBU at all.

Darkesteyes Fri 08-Mar-13 20:45:48

I was bullied very badly at school by a few people but one girl was very vocal and VERY vicious about the fact that i didnt shave my legs (mum wouldnt allow me to) it was vicious.
DH actually used to be married to her sister as well as being her godfather. Just after we started dating when we realised we both knew her i remember DH saying "she was a right PITA at home as well grin

Darkesteyes Fri 08-Mar-13 20:47:28

@ModreB Bet it felt good.

PurpleStorm Fri 08-Mar-13 21:00:46

YANBU.

I would be doing the exact same thing. Your friend is being unreasonable to say you're living in the past. Bully may have changed, but personally I wouldn't see any good reason to let someone who'd treated me so badly back into my life at all.

smileymam Fri 08-Mar-13 21:05:09

A girl who bullied me comes into where I work and I have to serve her, years ago I was petrified of her,she is a few years older and still as rough as she was then, I think she was so horrible to so many she doesn't actually remember picking on me even though she once slapped me across the face as I was getting off a bus as she got. Can honestly say though I am not in the least bit frightened of her now, and wish I told my parents about it. Yanbu to feel this way, but please don't let think that she still gets to you.

ozymandiusking Fri 08-Mar-13 21:07:24

Carry on as you are doing. Ignore her, don't acknowledge her at all.
Leopards do not change their spots!

Purple2012 Fri 08-Mar-13 21:13:36

I was bullied, by a girl who was often my friend but then would turn against me for a stupid reason. I saw her a few years after we left school and she said she had been a bitch at school. Fast forward 20 years, she adds me on Facebook, we have a brief conversation. Then one day I realised that half of my problems in adulthood - the need to please and be liked come from my treatment at school. So I deleted her.

So yanbu. Not everyone is a bully so the 'she was only a kid' doesn't wash with me.

HerLordship Fri 08-Mar-13 21:13:38

I too would just carry on ignoring her. I would also question my friendship with your other friend who stuck up for her. she should be supportive.

I was bullied at school, and although I speak to some that were on the outskirts of the bullies circle, the main couple I refuse to speak to. They have both sent my FB friend requests, which were swiftly declined, and I don't acknowledge them if I see them anywhere. They don't intimidate me, but there is no way in the world I am going to speak to any of them.

Timetoask Fri 08-Mar-13 21:23:40

I haven't interest in any tpe of friendship with my school bullies. I am 40 now! Grown up enough to know that i only need a few good people in my life and not a large number of leopards.
I have a good life, success is the biggest form of revenge. Forget about this,person, work on your life and acheiving your goals, filling your life with people that are positive for you!

limitedperiodonly Fri 08-Mar-13 21:28:23

It's entirely up to you how you want to behave.

Is it right you're in your mid-twenties? I was bullied at school and once I got more confidence I dealt with it by jumping on anyone I thought was trying it on. And I was ruthless with old bullies who made the mistake of thinking I'd let bygones be bygones.

I now know that at least until my 20s I was too sensitive and aggressive. But you can't avoid that because horrible things have happened to you. And no, I don't regret blanking old bullies.

You're fine as you are and you'll get better as you get older and learn that there are lots of nice people in the world and you're worth knowing.

Good luck and fuck her grin

Maggie111 Fri 08-Mar-13 21:56:58

No I don't think you're being unreasonable. I'd not argue about it with your social circle because I genuinely believe she might have changed and you wont convince them. But who gives a crap if she has?! Your memory hasn't changed and I completely understand why it hurts to look at her sad

To be fair, it is sad that you will spend your life feeling such active hate against her, I wonder if some therapy or NLP might help stop some of the negativity you must feel so often when you encounter her.

It's not worth having any more of your life taken up thinking about her.

Nanny0gg Fri 08-Mar-13 22:03:21

I am old enough to be your mum, OP, and YADNBU.
I was bullied at school and one particular girl (my 'best' friend on a good day, and an absolute cow on a bad one) tried to get back in touch on Friends Reunited.
I briefly fell for her pleasantries until something started between her and a bloke from our class. Then, for some reason, the piss-taking started again. It brought back all the unpleasant memories until I cut myself off from the pair of them.
In my view, school bullies do immeasurable damage and they don't grow out of the mindset. And it's 40-odd years since I left.

You do what you're comfortable with. And your friend should be more sympathetic.

PoppyWearer Fri 08-Mar-13 22:08:13

YADNBU.

I am nearly 40 and struggling with seeing my bullies on Facebook. One I had the sense not to friend, two of the others I really need to block as they are living blissfully happy lives with beautiful children and successful media careers (dahling) and I remember how shit they made me feel and how they killed my confidence as a pre-teen and I want to cry...

Cherriesarelovely Fri 08-Mar-13 22:26:51

I would do the same. It sounds as if you had a bloody awful time at the hands of this woman and it's a shame you still bump into her now. I went to a high school reunion last year and the school bullies were there (must admit I wasn't a particular target of theirs but many were). I didn't speak to them but a friend of mine did and apparently they "can't remember" bullying people.....yeah, right!

A bloke that bullied my brother mercilessly at school asked me out a couple of years later and much later tried to friend me on fbook!!! I ignored him but felt like replying, "are you fucking joking"!!!!

Yanbu, that is for sure.

filingdrivesmemad Fri 08-Mar-13 22:27:06

YANBU would it help if you went on a course/learned about body language so you can project a really strong powerful stance even if inside you still want to walk away? because you may not always be able in some circs to walk away, and you can still feel powerful and tell her to f off without words.

pigletmania Fri 08-Mar-13 22:31:06

Yanbu at all. You have every right not to speak or be friends with her.

mrsmillsfanclub Fri 08-Mar-13 22:40:51

Yanbu.
I was bullied in secondary school by a very nasty girl & her group of friends. It has affected my confidence ever since (I always feel very plain & dull, even now sometimes). I got the shock of my life when I discovered I was teaching one of her dc ! She was embarrassingly friendly and acted as though we had been life long buddies, but I was polite and very aloof. Part of me wanted her dc to be as vile as she had been (karma??) but they are in fact lovely.
I still detest her though & know that although she is now middle aged with a family she probably still has that vicious streak hidden inside somewhere.

Pilgit Fri 08-Mar-13 22:41:54

Totally get where you're coming from. I would not be able to countenance the people that made my life hell at school. People do change and bullies are capable of remorse. However if you're in the same social circle and she knows the crap she put you through I would hope she's big enough to acknowledge it and apologise. If you won't be able to avoid her, confront it or it will eat it away at you. You don't need the damage that bitterness can do. But YANBU!

Fourkisses Fri 08-Mar-13 22:42:32

YANBU.
I'd be looking forward to the day someone tried to introduce me to her so I could say 'oh yes I know xxxx. She bullied me at school and made my life a living hell'. Let her squirm!
Your friend is BU expecting you to be friends with her now

Pilgit Fri 08-Mar-13 22:43:53

p.s. I have great enjoyment in ignoring their friend requests on facebook - childish? probably, but why would I want to know about them now? I don't need facebook friends!

springlamb Fri 08-Mar-13 22:44:07

I was bullied from September 1979 through to December 1979. My mum changed my school as the Head and staff were totally ineffective. The bullies names were Lorraine, Jane x 2, Lucy, Tracey and Samantha (oh, she thought she was so special). The bullying took place during school and most of the other students were too intimidated to intervene, before and after school during the 1 hour public bus trip, and even when I pretended to be ill because I couldn't cope, they would come out of school and phone me from the phone box.
I was happier when I changed schools, but I don't think I have ever really trusted women other than my sisters. I don't have 'lifelong' friends or BFFs, no thanks.
So no, YANBU.
I admit I felt some sympathy when I heard one of them's husband had been murdered in a drunken brawl, leaving her alone with small children. Did I send a sympathy card? No, too busy getting on with my own life, scarred enough by them.

Darkesteyes Fri 08-Mar-13 23:24:51

Talking of bullies if you are up late tonight and fancy seeing a bully get her comeuppance in the end Channel 4 are showing Cruel Intentions at midnight.

GreenEggsAndNichts Fri 08-Mar-13 23:26:13

YANBU. If I were in your shoes, I'd do the same. Though, I'd probably just stand there and stare through her, if it makes sense. I wouldn't allow her to take over my life again.

Your friend is BU. At the very least, for the sake of politeness and yadda yadda, she should realise you deserve an apology from this person before you can continue ignoring her move on. I would never expect a friend to magically be friends or even nice to someone who had shoved her around physically and mentally throughout her teens. Yes, I realise teen girls can be horrible (I was one, and yes I was horrible at times to other girls, though usually as a pre-emptive strike) but it sounds as if she was well over the line.

Cherriesarelovely Fri 08-Mar-13 23:34:49

MrsMills I had the same experience. Did some supply teaching, taught a lovely class with a really sweet little boy in it. When the children went out to meet their parents at the end of the day this boys mum was the biggest, meanest bully at my high school. I couldn't believe it! I had to hand it to her, she at least had a gorgeous child!

Darkesteyes Fri 08-Mar-13 23:37:52

Old post of mine from a PE thread last year on how i stood up to some of the bullies who just wanted to use me when it suited them.

DarkesteyeswithflecksofgoldFri 21-Sep-12 23:29:19

I had the always picked last thing too.
In fact it went a bit further than that. At the end of the choosing teams bit they used to fight over NOT having me on the team
"no you have Dark we had to have her last time" etc.
Both PE teachers knew what was going on and did FUCK ALL.
So i walked out of a PE lesson and refused to take part any more until the teacher sorted out the bullying. (did her fucking job)
A couple of years later the same bastard kids who were treating me like shit asked me to take part in the relay on sports day cos they didnt have enough people to do it.
I wondered why they were asking me if i was so shit at it.
They said they were one short and just needed me to make up the numbers.
So i then said "but you will be moaning and having a go at me if i cant run fast enough"
"oh we wont" they insisted.
Well going by past experience and the way you have treated me in PE lessons i think thats bollocks.
So i refused to do it and to this day im proud that i stood my ground and refused to be used by them!

I'd blank her too, YANBU. My bully tried to make friends on friends reunited like some others, I told her sorry I think yu have the wrong person, maybe you were friends with my sister. I think I totally confused her. I even told her Dad and Step Mum what she had been like (I still know them as an adult) and they were shocked but not surprised. She turned into a drug addict, didn't clean up till her thirties, married a washed up musician and had a child.

MagratOfStolat Fri 08-Mar-13 23:40:38

I was "friended" by one of my old bullies at school about a year ago. She was a vicious, spiteful, hate-fuelled wench who would physically abuse anyone she found worthy of her vitriol. It was fucking disgusting the way she treated people.

Childish though it was, I posted this massive thing on her wall about why she thought she had the right to request my friendship when she'd treated everyone so appallingly, and how truly awful her life seemed to be now (which was noones fault but her own, she came from a good family and would have been able to do something with her life if she weren't such a cunt).

long story short, I posted that, it received about 100 "likes" and supportive comments from people who were too chicken to say it to her, and from what I can gather there was a mass exodus of people, leaving her with almost no friends, Facebook or otherwise.

I don't give a stuff how childish it was, to me it was perfect. Bitch deserved it. Wouldn't piss on her if she were on fire.

Helltotheno Fri 08-Mar-13 23:43:46

Magrat I'm actually a little in love with you right now... take these thanks grin

gaelicsheep Fri 08-Mar-13 23:45:57

No way are you BU. There are still many people from my school I would never ever choose to spend any time with at all.

livinginwonderland Fri 08-Mar-13 23:54:42

YANBU. i was bullied too and i ignore the girls who bully me now. they all tried to re-add me on facebook a couple of years ago and the snide comments carried on despite the fact that we're all in our mid-twenties. i blocked all of them and if i see them i act as though i don't know who they are.

livinginwonderland Fri 08-Mar-13 23:55:47

MagratOfStolat you are perfect!

LilQueenie Sat 09-Mar-13 00:00:53

Dont run. Work the karma. Casually mention in front of others how surprised you are she married on account of her little aversion to the goth/grunge lifestyle. Then drop a few bits and peices about what she did - without mentioning names if you prefer.

AgentZigzag Sat 09-Mar-13 00:03:35

There are lots of past bullies trying to contact the people they bullied as children on this thread, I wonder what proportion of them are doing it because they're genuinely sorry for what they did, and how many for purely selfish reasons that they want to feel better about what they did?

I thought it was more because they felt crap about it, but maybe I was being too charitable.

AgentZigzag Sat 09-Mar-13 00:12:18

And that's the thing about imagining how you'd deal with it LilQ, you'd be cool, calm and collected, say all the right things in an offhand manner, walk away from the encounter in control and with indifference - before going off to successfully mingle, in a witty and engaging way, with interesting people about the room.

The reality of the situation is that you're transported back to how it feels to be an isolated and excluded child, and standing in front of the cause of your problems makes you buckle at the knees and get a dry mouth. You'd do well to stammer a 'fuck off' before wobbly legged flouncing off feeling like a prize twat.

I don't know whether to grin or sad bit of both maybe?

rainrainandmorerain Sat 09-Mar-13 00:30:56

agentzigzag - I've wondered about past bullies trying to friend former victims on FB etc (it was friends reunited before that, ironically) -

This has happened to a few people i know, and each time, the bully just doesn't remember things the way the victim does. E.g. the bully can remember 'an argument' when the victim remembers what amounted to a sustained campaign of physical attack. The bullies
have either denied being bullies, or actually been very upset they were accused. I remember seeing a bit of a tv programme where Aled, the gay bloke off the Chris Moyles breakfast show, went back to his former school. He met a girl who had bullied him, confronted her quite gently, Nd and she was shocked and in tears. Didn't remember things like he did, and obviously hated the idea that he thought she was a bully.

It has made me think - so much of what victims
go through is 'private' anguish. So much of the battle with bullying is to get bullies to see and understand the consequences of what they do. But as adults, I think it might be quite common for bullies/victims to have very different memories of what happened.

mrsbunnylove Sat 09-Mar-13 01:09:41

quite right to avoid.

AgentZigzag Sat 09-Mar-13 01:18:26

That kind of winds me up even more rainrain, that something that was so significant to me (and the OP/other posters) at the time and even now, but was so insignificant to them in the scheme of things (if you believe that they honestly don't remember, which I probably wouldn't tbh) can make you feel even smaller.

I don't believe they didn't understand the misery they caused at the time, I think they got off on it because it satisfied an inadequacy they had at the time, and they fed off the aggro they caused.

Most of the ones on the periphery I could forgive for not wanting to be the brunt of it themselves, but the central ones, they knew.

Chottie Sat 09-Mar-13 05:18:56

OP I would feel the same, I was bullied at school over 40 years ago by a girl in my class. I have no wish to ever have any contact with her again. Why should I want to have any reminders of a very unhappy time of my life?

Your friend is being very unsympathetic and she really doesn't understand where you are coming from.

I have a great life, happy family and loving DH, I'm living in the now. Please just do whatever suits you x.

FellNel Sat 09-Mar-13 05:37:50

I think playground bullies can grow out of it eventually, but at mid 20's she's still pretty young so I imagine she's still capable of being a fairly horrible person if it's in her nature. And even if you turn into Mother Bloody Theresa it doesn't mean the people whose lives you ruined should automatically forgive and forget. I know I wouldn't.

I think you are doing the right thing. If you find yourself running into her socially and she tries to catch your eye or speak to you just keep calm and impassive and turn your back, walk away, ignore. Hopefully if she has any kind of conscience at all she will know why and she'll feel ashamed and foolish.

Make sure she doesn't think that you are doing it out of fear though.

Theicingontop Sat 09-Mar-13 06:48:05

She knew what she was doing, she once cornered me and asked why I wanted to make myself so unpopular, if I just dressed 'nicely' and did my hair the way the other girls did, she wouldn't pick on me. She knew she was targeting me. There's no way if she was confronted that she'd be able to deny all knowledge. A confrontation I don't intend to have though. I cry when I'm angry and it would be humiliating...

I think I'm going to take some of the advice on this thread and just continue as I am, nod and smile whenever friends talk about her but just avoid her. I don't see anything positive coming from being around her.

Jossysgiants Sat 09-Mar-13 07:00:33

Yanbu. One of the nastiest bullies in our school was the daughter of the Head of Year. She was actually enabled by him to do whatever she liked. The hypocrisy of her reaction on Facebook when one of her victims committed suicide a few years ago was sickening. I feel the same about her today as I did 25 years ago and would keep her well away.

BiteTheTopsOffIcedGems Sat 09-Mar-13 07:16:37

Having a shit time at home is not an excuse to bully people. When you bully someone you don't know if they are having a crappy home life then being bullied at school too.
There's no excuse for doing it.

BiteTheTopsOffIcedGems Sat 09-Mar-13 07:19:56

OP you are not being unreasonable, the best thing to do is to not let someone so disgusting take up any of your time thinking about her the skanky fugly cow that she is

SirBoobAlot Sat 09-Mar-13 07:42:26

No, YANBU. I do understand the whole idea of "face her, don't let her win", but why the hell put yourself through all that when you can just walk away? I still live in the same town as school too, and most of the bullies haven't moved out either. One turned up at my old antenatal session for young mums, and tried to be all buddy buddy with me.

These bastards tend to not understand the impact that their actions can have long term. And yes, I'm sure a lot of them are doing it for a reason, completely agree with that. But that doesn't mean you have to forgive or forget what they out you through.

Magrat think I now love you grin

rainrainandmorerain Sat 09-Mar-13 11:05:31

agent - yes, I get what you mean - I think the idea that someone made your life horrendous but it was no big deal to them, to the extent that they might not remember it well, is an awful thought.

Problem is, I think some former victims who confront their abusers as adults do get this response, and they aren't prepared for it at all. I think if they can do like Magrat did, and just sort of have their say, get their feelings out, and that's it, then it probably works very well! but where former victims have a kind of conversation mapped out in their heads where their bullies will be forced to admit what they did and feel ashamed etc - well, it is unlikely to play that way.

I have noticed that when children (and adults) are confronted with accusations of bullying, they nearly always have some notion that the victim 'deserves' their treatment. I read what icing said about the girl who bullied her asking her why she WANTED to make herself unpopular. The attitude is exactly that. 'You do something which annoys me - I react by hitting you/excluding you etc - therefore it is your fault.'

Obviously that is totally wrong, but it is a very very hard cognitive positon to unpick - I think especially when the bullying is a group activity, as the bullies just reinforce each other's attitudes.

(I have to say, when I read things on MN and elsewhere about people 'needing a slap' or 'deserves a good kick in the cunt' etc, I think - same attitude, really.)

lrichmondgabber Sat 09-Mar-13 11:22:08

Iwould challenge her. But thats not for everyone.

CelticPixie Sat 09-Mar-13 11:28:20

A similar thing happened to me, although I would never actually say that I was bullied in the traditional sense. More a victim of typical teenage girl "mean girls" type of behaviour.

There were two groups at my school. The popular mean girls types who all the boys fancied etc and the rest of us, I was firmly in the "rest of us" camp and it never bothered me because I had plenty of friends but we were often the victims of bitchiness from the popular lot.

Fast forward ten years and I find myself working with one of the popular girls and she's as nice as pie. Genuinely lovely and nice and all I could think was that ten years previously she wouldn't have been seen dead talking to me. I honestly think she didn't realise how so far up their own arses and mean her little clique were.

bootsycollins Sat 09-Mar-13 11:34:42

Magrat you brilliant genius!

MrsLouisTheroux Sat 09-Mar-13 11:40:54

Continue to look through her as if she is invisible. She is nothing to you. Don't walk away, just don't engage. If she talks to you, respond politely but give her nothing. YANBU

AgentZigzag Sat 09-Mar-13 11:42:42

Tbf though rainrain, it could be argued that someone leaving their DP and children after 20 years of marriage to shack up with a younger model, maybe would deserve a swift hard kick up the jacksie grin

And saying you want to mete out violence on an OPs behalf I would see as support and a demonstration of how unreasonable the wanker who's upset them has been.

It would be incredibly sinister if it spilled over into RL and you made good on your word though grin

Denying you've taken part in bullying/abusive behaviour in the past does seem quite common though, like on the stately homes threads when adult children have confronted parents about their behaviour only to be made to feel responsible for it or that they'd got hold of the wrong end of the stick at the time.

I suppose not a lot of people are big enough to admit to shoddy behaviour in the past.

nickelbabe Sat 09-Mar-13 11:46:39

no, fuck that, I wouldn't.

I've got plenty of bullies and I would never speak to them again.
I have crossed the road from them, and will probably always do.
i'm 36 now, and it still affects my life everyday.

I've got some school people as FB friends, and those that bullied me are not.

BrokenBritain Sat 09-Mar-13 12:03:11

Confession time....I was a bully between the ages of about 10 and 16. I did and said some awful things, which I look back on now and feel utterly mortified. I really couldn't be any more ashamed of who I was as a child.

I still live one the same town and so occasionally see people from school around. I would never, ever expect one of the people I bullied to be all friendly with me, I assume that they must really hate me and think I'm a bitch and all the other words that have been used on this thread.

If I get the opportunity to say I'm sorry then I do, but sometimes I just hang my head and walk away.
I think you are totally right to ignore this person, or do whatever you need to do to feel ok. You should not feel under any pressure to be all matey.

However those who would talk about taking revenge, being violent to them etc. if somebody I bullied wanted to do that to me I would think that's quite unreasonable because a) I was a child, a messed up child b) I deeply regret my actions and would never treat anybody like that again as long as I live, and c) it was 30 odd years ago, there is nothing I can do to change the past but I have spent the last 30 odd years trying to help people and to be a better person than I was. How much time has to pass before I have earned forgiveness?

Plomino Sat 09-Mar-13 12:30:37

No , you are def not BU .

I too was bullied when I was 13 till about the age of 16 . I honestly think that it affected my career choice , because I wanted to stand up and defend people like me against victimisation . It definitely shaped who I am , because when I left , I swore that no one would ever make me feel so low and worthless , and just plain frightened , EVER again . And they haven't . Looking at me now, you would never know .

Curiously , I met my tormentor after stopping her car in an area of North London , that I would never have dreamed of seeing her in . Her face , when I got out of the car was an absolute picture , and believe me, she knew that I'd recognised her. I left the probationer to deal with her , and didn't say a word. But she knew . And so did I .

FellNel Sat 09-Mar-13 12:35:26

I don't think you can have forgiveness BB - at least you can hope for it, but you have no right to expect it. That does not mean that you should not continue to try to make amends as best you can though. But those amends have to be unconditional otherwise they mean nothing.

AgentZigzag Sat 09-Mar-13 12:50:31

That's a very brave post there BB.

The bit about being violent back to the bully is more about trying to get rid of that awful feeling of powerlessness.

I know I had a bit of an aggressive stage when I was in my 20's, and when I thought about what other children did to me I'd fantasise about just punching them straight in the face again and again, mostly to try and wipe the memory of how painful it felt to have such spiteful and isolating things said to me.

Repeatedly punching them in the face would have hurt less than what they'd done to me, it can be that bad.

I agree with Fell, you should never expect to be forgiven for anything, forgiveness is totally a choice for the person who does it to make.

In saying you expect them to forgive you and they haven't is turning it round into being their responsibility again! Can you see how you've done that?

You have to live with the same situation you created just as the children you bullied have to.

BrokenBritain Sat 09-Mar-13 12:53:01

I know you're right FellNel re hoping for, rather than expecting forgiveness. I guess what I was trying to say is that I would totally understand somebody blanking me, or just brushing me off. What I wouldn't really understand is somebody actively trying to hurt me or get revenge, for something that happened 30 years ago when we were 10. I would quite like to be judged on who I am now, rather than who I was then, but i know it's not always as easy as that.
For what it's worth, what I did as a child has definitely affected my career choices too Plomino. When the realisation of what I had done hit me, at about age 17 it was like I developed a consience overnight and I really woke up to my behaviour. I found the guilt and self loathing really hard to process and self harmed in secret for about 5 years because I just couldn't forgive myself.
Eventually I grew up and realised that all I could was spend the rest of my life trying to make amends, and consequently have turned down opportunities for well paid, high profile jobs in favour of staying in low paid work where I feel I am actively helping people.
I am certainly not any sort of mother Theresa! But I really am doing everything I can to redress the balance of the harm I have caused. And I really am very, very sorry.

HerLordship Sat 09-Mar-13 13:02:40

I'm sorry BrokenBritain, but I'm struggling to muster up any sympathy for you.

I too self harmed for years, but it was due to being bullied. Something I didn't ask for, deserve, or have any control over. It has affected me every day since I left school (I am now mid thirties), in that is has given me cripplingly low self esteem and lack of confidence. I wonder if those that you bullied feel the same way? It has affected everything in my life; jobs, friendships, relationships, social life. Everything.

I really don't think you (or any other bullies) have the right to start trying to lay down the law about how your victims should feel. I don't think the fact that it was a 'long time ago' excuses your behaviour!

FellNel Sat 09-Mar-13 13:05:08

Without wishing to sound unkind BB if you cannot understand the concept of needing revenge then perhaps you have never had your life blighted by the fear and the emotional pain inflicted by another person?

FellNel Sat 09-Mar-13 13:06:36

for people who have been emotionally scarred by their treatment at the hands of someone very cruel it may as well have been yesterday. It never leaves you and it shapes everything you do/are/feel from then on.

qazxc Sat 09-Mar-13 13:37:54

YANBU at all. Why do your friends think you should want this person in your life?

SoftKittyWarmKitty Sat 09-Mar-13 13:46:39

OP, I totally sympathise because I was contacted by one of my main bullies on FB about three years ago. She sent me a friend request and a 'how are you, so nice to find you' type message hmm. After pondering on it for a few weeks including considering replying with unabridged details of how utterly shit she made me feel I deleted both the friend request and the message without responding.

I was bullied mercilessly at primary school - I was ostracised, cornered in the corridor and threatened, had money, toys and belongings taken from me (either by force or blackmail) and generally treated with complete contempt. I hated school so much that I ran away twice and hid in a derelict house about a mile from home rather than go to school, after which I was the one labelled as a problem child and made to see a child psychologist (who was useless). My mum parents did nothing when I mentioned that no-one liked me, telling me that all kids fall out and we'd all be friends again next week. It went on for about 4-5 years sad and I contemplated suicide more than once.

The two main ringleaders were friends with each other and everyone else (bar me and one or two others) were friends with them, but in order to stay friends and not become victims themselves, the other friends would do the ringleaders' bidding. This meant that it wasn't just two people doing the bullying but most of my class. I was their biggest victim. It only ended when I went to a completely different secondary school to them.

It has affected me so much. I'm a people-pleaser with very little confidence and am not assertive at all. I've just started counselling to get to the root of my stress, anxiety and OCD-type compulsions, so I'm hoping that will help me to deal with the after-effects of the bullying and my other issues. Those who think that bygones should be bygones IMO have not experienced the complete and utter all-consuming pain that is serious bullying. OP, I don't blame you for walking away. I would too.

BrokenBritain Sat 09-Mar-13 15:04:35

FellNel i totally appreciate what you and others are saying.
I have had my life blighted by the fear and emotional pain inflicted by others, I don't want to get into a competitive "I was abused more than you were" type conversation, that won't help anyone. But suffice to say I have experienced physical, sexual and emotional abuse and I honestly don't feel a desire for revenge.
Maybe once I did, and maybe it's different because I know how it feels to make a series of massive mistakes and regret them for a lifetime.
I definitely don't want to be buddies with the people that have hurt me! But I also don't wish them any harm.
I really don't want or expect any sympathy, that's not why I posted. I just wanted to try to explain another side to the same story.
Will leave the thread now. I'm sorry if my posts have upset or angered anyone.

Darkesteyes Sat 09-Mar-13 15:18:58

Just remembered an incident in drama class. we were putting on a play and they put me in charge of costumes. One of the "cool girls" was playing a housewife so i was trying to source a flowery dress and an apron (ok i know thats a stereotype but i was only fourteen at the time.) She started on me in history lesson saying that she wasnt going to wear it and if i made her look frumpy she would put me through a wall.
This is one of the people who wanted me to make up the numbers on sports day which was mentioned earlier upthread.

Darkesteyes Sat 09-Mar-13 15:37:22

Soft Kitty im sorry to hear this. Ive done it too. When i was 14 i took a bottle of whisky from my parents drinks cabinet and a box of paracetamol and sat there in the living room drinking the whisky. I never got as far as taking the pills (that time) because DB came home ,caught me and rang my mum at work who came home and had a go at me cos she had to leave work confused This was because some girls in the year above had started to wait for me after school to terrorize me and threaten to beat me up.
Instead of dealing directly with them the schools answer was to let me go home half an hour early disrupting my education and treating me like i was the problem. Nice bit of victim blaming there.
I was told that one of these older girls was caring for her mother who was in a wheelchair "so we have to make allowances"
Same for the boy who used to sit opposite me in science and bite off bits of his pen and spit it in my hair.
And on a couple of occasions follow me home from school and push me into a hedge and stop me from getting away by holding my arms.
He turned up in my home town again (after a spell in prison) about 7 years ago. He would yell my name in the street and when i turned round he would be pretending to go about his business. Probably an overreaction on my part but the SL trust very kindly gave me a rape alarm.
Scary thing is sometimes he comes over all friendly and says hello and waves at me confused And at school what did they say about him? Yep "we have to make allowances" because hes a foster child. Unbelievable.

Ginebra Sat 09-Mar-13 15:45:20

I think its your prerogative not to let her off the hook. but i would stare thru her and hold her eye without blinking rather than avoiding eye contact. let her feel judged.

Megatron Sat 09-Mar-13 16:58:32

YANBU at all. I often wonder if bullies read these kind of threads and feel bad. If they struggle with what they were like at school and ever try to make amends? I dont really know how you can forgive someone who made your life hell for years.

VictimOfBullys Sat 09-Mar-13 19:32:45

I was badly bullied at school. I went to a 'rough' school, and I stood out like a sore thumb because I lived in a 'nice' area, and apparently spoke 'posh'.

It wasn't just one or two bitches, it was practically all of the 'hard' girls, and even 'nice' girls joined in with the bullying because they where scared of getting picked on as well.

I was physically attacked on a daily bases, the school did fuck all about it, because "they're from broken homes" "they don't have a dad" "they're in foster care" e.t.c you get the idea.
In fact I was the one who they tried to punish, as I was too scared to go to school, I would skive off, and because I wasn't attending school, the school threatened to put me in a residential unit.
Yes, you read that right, I was skiving because of bullying that the school did fuck all about, so they were going to lock me up with the sort of scum who were making me skive school in the first place!
Fortunately, I turned 16 before the panel meeting was held, so they couldn't do anything about it.

Although I've had the last laugh, all of the ring leaders have got ( or had, in one case) shit lifes.
One of the bitches was mentioned in a court report in the local newspaper as her 'dp' had beat her up. Feel free to flame away, but I would love to shake his hand.
Another one was moaning on facebook about 'the social' taking her kids away, and how skint she is because her moneys been stopped, and she might lose her flat. Boo fucking hoo, hope she ends up in some run-down hostel, or even better, a shop doorway. (BTW I'm not friends with her on fb, she's a friend of a friend and her page is public).
Another one of the bitches was found dead in a derelict building with a needle hanging out of her arm. So she obviously had a shit life as well.

I don't care if I get flamed for my joy at those evil bitches comeuppances, I feel the way I do because they made my life hell for four fucking long years.
(I've name changed for this anyway.)

Ginebra Sat 09-Mar-13 19:42:50

Wow. YOu had all my sympathy until I got to the bit where you said you want to shake the hand of a man who beat up a woman.

Whether or not you hate that woman, there is nothing to celebrate about living in a World where domestic violence is so prevalent.

I get that they made you suffer, but as you recognise, you were the one who had the secure family background etc... and to actually feel glad that these people have been beaten up, lost their kids, died with needles hanging out of their arms etc... you should think about whether or not you REALLY have had the last laugh. You don't sound happy enough to do much laughing.

rainrainandmorerain Sat 09-Mar-13 19:57:50

At the risk of straying off topic - sorry OP - the causes and effects of bullying are damn complex, and can be very hard to unravel.

One of the oddest and very sad things i have come across as an adult is people who bully (in quite adult ways - office bullying is a good example, there's no hair pulling or spitting, but constant undermining, excluding colleagues, whispering campaigns, creating whipping boys etc) - but who turn out themselves to have been bullied as children. This is not uncommon. But once people think of themselves
as having been a victim, they find it very hard to accept that they are capable of bullying behaviour too.

It's all very messy and miserable. I think schools are SO important in spotting and stopping this behaviour as soon as it starts. And they often don't.

AgentZigzag Sat 09-Mar-13 20:14:33

I don't think that's off topic at all rainrain, there are quite a few things posters have said about the effects they've suffered that I've also been through, so that must say if there's a uniformity to the effects it might be also be possible to pin down what really causes it and stop it. (I'm sure they have in some research or other, but it hasn't done a whole lot to stop it as far as I can see)

I can't remember if it was on this thread or another one, but a poster was talking about a school denying they had any bullying problems, and that to me is the worst case scenario to have dealing with a school when your DC is being bullied. If it's in childrens nature to be like this as a group, you can't not have it going on somewhere.

rainrainandmorerain Sat 09-Mar-13 21:23:19

I agree Agent - if schools fail to deal with bullying, the children and families are in an impossible situation.

It's the biggest factor for me in choosing a school, tbh - how active I think they are in promoting good co-operative and kind behaviour, and how they deal with problems when they arise.

I'm also very wary of anyone (teacher, playleader) who assumes from the outset that all problems are 'half a dozen of one, 6 of the other', or that all kids are 'as bad' as each other. It can be very hard untangling a situation, esp where a child has retaliated in some way - but just refusing to deal with the situation is unforgiveable.

msbossy Sun 10-Mar-13 09:20:24

Me too rainrain. I'm trying to engineer a situation where my DDs attend schools with a healthy attitude to diversity and those with an ounce of motivation don't get persecuted.

OP YADNBU. I'm glad I went away to uni and never returned home to live. My parents still live in the same place but I haven't stepped foot in a local pub in 20 years.

BB, thank you for sharing your story. It is good to know some bullies wake up and see what they've done.

BarbarianMum Sun 10-Mar-13 09:54:01

You don't have to be friendly with anyone, nor do you have to forgive them although if you do you may feel better.

FWIW when I recently met the woman who had bullied me when we were teenagers (school reunion), it was a very positive experience. She was so relaxed and happy and positive about her life -a different person really -it made me realise how bloody unhappy she was before (didn't think about it at the time, was too busy trying to avoid her). She didn't mention the bullying (I guess an apology would have been nice) but over the course of the evening things were discussed that made me realise how much shit she'd been dealing with at the time. Anyway, it was great to realise that that period of our lives was over for both of us (my teen years were miserable for several reasons too, the bullying was just one part of them).

BoffinMum Sun 10-Mar-13 10:17:37

A good response to bullies is to live well.

You have to remember the reason they bullied you is because you represent everything they want to be.

ShellyBoobs Sun 10-Mar-13 11:05:19

A good response to bullies is to live well.

How true!

I too was a victim of relentless bullying. In my case it was due to having a cleft lip and a shitty upbringing (scruffy uniform, unkempt appearance, parents who basically didn't care).

I left home and hauled myself through university while working full time in crap jobs and I now have a fantastic career and a lovely DH and DD.

I take great delight in occasionally seeing some of the bitches who made my life hell both in and out of school as they're all total fucking wasters with what appears to be utterly shit lives. Although, I do find myself hoping their lives are even shitter than the glimpses I get of them. grin

There is no way on Earth I would ever, ever forgive or forget. Absolutely none whatsoever.

MagratOfStolat Sun 10-Mar-13 11:52:39

takes bow

Thanks all, I'm here for the foreseeable future ;)
I just wish I had the guts to say it to her in person, but she had a tendency to be violent. Oh well, my revenge worked perfectly grin

DrCoconut Sun 10-Mar-13 13:52:09

I was picked on by a boy at school (among others). The worst thing he ever said was that I was so ugly my dad had died of a heart attack because he realised what he'd helped bring into the world. I was grieving for my dad still and I was constantly taunted about my looks. That unbelievable cruel remark stayed with me and utterly destroyed what little self esteem I had left. It took years to rebuild it. So YWNBU to have punched her lights out never mind walked away. If any 35 year old bloke reading this recognises themself by the way I am over it now but I haven't forgotten you and wouldn't lower myself to p**s on you if you we're on fire. Oooh angry and bitter emoticon!

ShellyBoobs Sun 10-Mar-13 13:54:51

Hopefully your bully is living the utterly shit-filled life he deserves, DrCoconut

Snowme Sun 10-Mar-13 14:05:00

I often wonder about these scenarios.

I wasn't bullied at at school but have have experiencd personal bullying in my adult life and also on online forums and Facebook.

I have considered confronting them in person (the facebook ones who I know in real life) but I can imagine it wouldn't be the restorative scenario I hope for, but that they'd either walk off embarrassed claiming not to know anything about it, utter a few choice swear words (and walk off), or just ignore me, or worse, laugh.

I suspect it's highly unlikely they'd look busted, explain their behaviour and apologise. If they were that reasonably minded they wouldn't have been bullies in the first place :/

drudgewithagrudge Sun 10-Mar-13 16:22:42

I was badly bullied by a family member at school and it had affected may life so that I have no self confidence and have made stupid choices with friends both male and female just to have someone like me. The bullying also destroyed my faith in my parents especially my father who knew what was going on but refused to help me.

I have not seen my bullying relative very often over the years, only weddings and funerals. Everyone else in the family likes her and she has loads of friends. I doubt if she ever gives a moment's thought to what she put me through and in fact when she introduced me to her grown up daughter said,"This is drudge. We were friends at school".

The thing is that it would be no good having it out with her now we are grown up because it's the little girl I want the row with.

auntpetunia Sun 10-Mar-13 17:33:39

I met mine recently at a high school reunion! She looked very different) and another girl dragged her to our group of friends and covering the name lalbel said guess who this is..... I took one look and said " it's Porky pig the school bitch who bullied us for 3 years! Why would we want to talk to her? " and then I just stood and stared at her till she went away very red faced and flustered. She tried you make out it was all joke and such a long time ago, she couldn't believe I'd bring it up. My 2 friends who also had shit of her just looked scared. I was only scared I was gonna smack her if she didn't go way.

sansastark Sun 10-Mar-13 17:43:01

Maybe it's just me, but I can't help thinking that - for a lot of ex-bullies - finding out that they emotionally scarred you for life will just give them an even bigger ego than they have already (I don't have a lot of faith in their better nature!) What'll really piss them off is thinking you've forgotten all about them, and they were nowhere near as important in your life as they imagined.

So when a couple of girls who made my life a misery back at school friend-requested me on Facebook and sent me 'hey how's it going' style messages, I just accepted the request and wrote back as if they were any other fleeting, sort-of-remember-the-name acquaintance from back in the day... one of them actually apologised for being horrible to me, and I said something along the lines of 'were you? don't worry, that was ages ago, I'd forgotten all about it!'--I really, really haven't--

Can't help thinking this casual throwaway indifference is a far more effective and crushing response than going into a vengeful monologue that'll just make you look like an emotionally disturbed bunny boiling nutter grin

But I guess we've all got our own ways of coping with these things, and bullying does have a terrible impact all the way through your life (why can't my ex-bullies have had the decency to become drug addicts and Jeremy Kyle show types, all of mine inherited shitloads of money and married bankers!! moral of the story, don't send your kids to expensive private schools, as the fundamental rules of karma and narrative justice don't apply within their ivy-veined walls...sad')

Ginebra Sun 10-Mar-13 19:05:58

sansastark, yeah i had a girl apologise to me on fb, 20 odd years later, but i said to her "the way i remember it i gave back as good as i got. I was better with insults, you were good at dirty looks, lol". which was TRUE. She used to mock the music I was into (wham, a-ha, bananarama!) and i found it so tedious. she was a MOD, and I was thinking 'fuuuuuuukkkkkkkkkk off and let me be me and you can get on with being you, or is that too confusing, do you know where 'you' begin and end??'. She is still an absolute fruitcake, spilling her guts out on fb. It's tragic.

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