To feel 'railroaded' in these Mother's Day plans?

(57 Posts)
Snufflebabe Fri 08-Mar-13 16:58:09

Spoke with PIL yesterday, who said that they would see us on Sunday, for Mother's day as DH and BIL were organising something for MIL. Lunch or dinner, but they were organising it. No mention of me, or what MY plans, as mother of a 2year old DD might be.

Bumped into SIL (wife of BIL) today who told me that a table was booked In restaurant on Sunday afternoon. I asked if BIL had spoke with my DH and she said no, he had just gone ahead and made the plans, counting us into the numbers.

AIBU to just want to scream "Errrrrr, hello. I am a mother too and I might just like to spend some time wit my OWN family, rather than being TOLD how to spend Mother's day."

I'm pregnant and possibly just hormonal but I just feel no-one has said to me" hey, what are your plans so you too can have some special time on Mother's Day."

Grrrrrrr. I'm not even fussed about Mother's Day, I'm just annoyed that the plans have been made for me!

NinaHeart Fri 08-Mar-13 17:01:26

Don't go!
I have often counted myself out of DH's family "events" and happily they are well used to it now. They just think it is one of my unusual habits not to want to spend every waking moment with them.
You and your child have the day you want.

I hate having plans made for me. It is just rude and is the restaurant toddler friendly? I think YANBU, but it would be nice for your DH to do this for his mum so perhaps grin and bear it for this year and next year enjoy one to yourself

DeepRedBetty Fri 08-Mar-13 17:04:16

So at the moment you don't know if DH is actually involved in this plan or not? He may be thinking it's a lovely surprise for all the mothers in his family. Unfortunately if that's the case he's going to have to learn that some surprises are not lovely at all!

5Foot5 Fri 08-Mar-13 17:04:54

Is your own DM still around and/or living close? If so, then it was quite presumptive on their part that you would automatically go along with their plans for your MIL raher than visit your own DM?

I think perhaps with your own DC so young then you can't necessarily expect Mother's Day to be such a big deal for you yet.

Having said all that I do think that, whatever the occasion, I would be rather cross at someone making plans that include me without asking me first.

Snufflebabe Fri 08-Mar-13 17:08:23

Me and my own mum aren't close, so we wouldn't be spending time together. However, OH went to his mums in the morning, then we went out for lunch in the afternoon with my Grandmother.

Of course, he should see his own mum on Sunday, I just want some consideration too....glad to hearim not being a crazy pregnant person.

ponyandpotatopie Fri 08-Mar-13 17:09:05

That would annoy me as well.

ilovecolinfirth Fri 08-Mar-13 17:10:37

I think Mother's Day when you have young children is very important. This is the time when we're up through the night with them, changing nappies, clearing up sick, teaching them everything....and we're exhausted!

YANBU - I'd let DH take the DCs and then stay home with my feet up

GloriaPritchett Fri 08-Mar-13 17:11:20

Well, YANBU that no one thought to ask you. But look on the bright side- the whole family want to be with you and include you on Mother's Day.

Although I'm a bit confused- DH and BIL are organising but BIL booked?

Snufflebabe Fri 08-Mar-13 17:14:19

Yeah - BIL has organised the whole thing again without any consideration for what my/our plans are.

I'm tempted to just say me and DD won't be there, but then it's just cutting my nose off to spite my face, isn't it.

Do BIL and SIL have kids? It may just not have occurred to them that you're a mother too.

I'm enjoying Mothers Day with my children while they're small and I'm putting in all the hard mum-work. Once they're grown up with kids of their own I'll be happy with a card and a phonecall cos I think they ought to get to experience being the object of the fuss, too. Just like my mum and MIL did when their kids were small.

Check with DH in case he is feeling railroaded too. And then get him to phone and say he can't come cos he'll be busy helping his child to make a fuss of her mother, because he remembers how special that was to him as a child and he wants to recreate that ...

cupcake78 Fri 08-Mar-13 17:16:05

Same problem here and I was also wondering if its because I'm hormonal or just fed up with having weekends dictated to me by pil. They seem to forget I have a family and parents as well.

I am very close to my mum who is going through her own problems at the moment (her husband is dying of cancer) and I think she is in more need of company than they are!

I am about to make myself very unpopular by telling pil we already have plans for Mother's Day, thanks for the offer, hope she has a good day and we will see them later on.

Do they want to include you and make you feel special as a Mother? Or are you another Daughter who has to show up to pay homage? That would make a whole lot of difference to how I felt about it!

Snufflebabe Fri 08-Mar-13 17:18:02

No, BIL/SIL have no kids. To be fair though, PIL made same assumption that we would be there.

NonnoMum Fri 08-Mar-13 17:20:23

So - a lovely restaurant has been booked for you for MD. Lucky you. Stop moaning.

Snufflebabe Fri 08-Mar-13 17:21:51

Bertha - no, I think that's what I'm bothered about. My being there is not because it's a Mother's day celebration, and they want us all to be together. It's for DMIL, who I love dearly. I'm bothered that I've just not even been considered.

I mentioned to my DH last night (at which point nothing was arranged ) and he understood and said he would talk with BIL to see if it's something we want to get involved in. Seems that this conversations hasnt taken place and BIL has gone on, regardless of what my plans might be.

I just feel forgotten about:-(

ToomuchWaternotWine Fri 08-Mar-13 17:27:47

Well hopefully now DH is aware of your feelings about the plans, things will get sorted out for you. Here's hoping you get the Mother's Day you deserve. Put your feet up at the very least!!

Cantbelieveitsnotbutter Fri 08-Mar-13 17:37:22

Same in this house too, was the same last year too. Although this year I'm not invited (long story!). So I could truly cry about it, especially every flipping advert goes on about it.
I feel guilty and totally irrational for feeling like this which just makes it worse

thezebrawearspurple Fri 08-Mar-13 17:45:09

Nobody else can make plans for you if you refuse to follow them!!! Tell them you can't go and make your own plans.

TheSeniorWrangler Fri 08-Mar-13 17:55:13

yanbu, it would have been nice if they'd let you and DMIL choose somewhere for both of you.

My mothers day last until midday when we will be spending the rest with my mom to celebrate hers.

although apparently according to mumsnet i'm unreasonable for expecting DH to make a fuss of me in the AM (lie-in, breakfast in bed) because i'm not his mum hmm

MoYerBoat Fri 08-Mar-13 18:11:19

Christ you sound precious! It's just a Sunday meal out! Go along and ENJOY yourself.

ChaoticisasChaoticdoes Fri 08-Mar-13 18:43:02

YANBU I'd be pissed off if someone told me they'd arranged something that included me without consulting me too.

It may be a lovely restaurant but it wasn't booked for the OP it was booked for her MIL. The OP may prefer to do something else with her day, not everyone wants to go for a meal on Mother's Day, it would be my mum's idea of hell.

Euphemia Fri 08-Mar-13 18:46:04

Want to swap and drive my parents round the whole county to place flowers on their mothers' graves? hmm

jenduck Fri 08-Mar-13 18:48:03

YANBU. I totally get this too. Am the youngest of 3 DC (DC1 is 7 years older than me, DC2 is 3 years older than me) & feel like things are organised & then I'm told about them not asked! So, this Sunday, I am told we are going round to my parents' house for tea. Not a thought to the fact that, for once, we are also seeing PIL this Mother's Day (they live over 100 miles away) & might have liked to do something for both mothers ourselves. Or that we, as a little family of 4, might have liked to do something hmm

Make sure you get breakfast in bed or at least a lie-in, OP!

Jux Fri 08-Mar-13 18:50:18

What would you have liked to do on Mother's Day?

You do realise that it's actually nothing to do with mums, but to do with the Mother church of the district, when everyone was expected to go to the main church, rather than their local churches? Were you going to do that? In which case I think you are justified in being pissed off about habing to have a meal out instead.

seriouscakeeater Fri 08-Mar-13 18:50:47

YANBU......last year me and DH took our mothers out for lunch and the pair of them picked holes in every thing!
This year kept saying I didnt know what I wanted to do so NO one could make arrangements, Im hormonal too so getting away with murder at the moment grin.
If you dont fancy it dont go, put your feet up with a boc of chocs with dc xx

yanbu u

Its not really about Mothers Day though, is it. Its about being informed that, on a certain day, you will be going to a restaurant for a meal with a certain group of other people, and the possibility that you might have other plans or simply not want to go, is not thought to be relevant. If someone did that to me on any day of the year I'd be fuming (and digging my heels in and refusing to go whether I actually wanted to or not blush ).

MmeThenardier Fri 08-Mar-13 20:23:36

Even if it wasn't Mothers day I wouldn't expect people to be organising me and my time without so much as mentioning it. How strange. Do they do that for other ocassions?

PurpleBlossom Fri 08-Mar-13 20:26:34

Have had exactly the same OP! SIL yesterday said to me that she was booking a restaurant for Mothers' Day and assumed I'd be going too.

It's my first Mothers' Day (DD is only 4 months though) and I was a little miffed tbh! I told her i wont be coming because I'll be doing something with my own Mum. But secretly I hoped maybe DP would be planning something with me in mind sad

DP has gone away with friends for the weekend so I'm alone until he gets back on Sunday Afternoon (so no breakfast in bed for me angry) If he then comes home and pisses off for a meal out without me I won't be too pleased.

RIZZ0 Fri 08-Mar-13 20:29:20

I sympathise. Had booked lunch somewhere we fancied, then invited my parents to join us. After some complaining about the price from my controlling mum / asking if we were paying, have now decided to do lunch at home which she is MUCH happier with... hmm

Wouldn't mind but I have a difficult relationship with my mother (although its all held together in a civilised way nowadays for the kids), but I find it very difficult to 'celebrate' her on Mother's Day.

As mother to two children who I put myself out for a lot more than she did, I too wonder when is my turn...

Lonelynessie Fri 08-Mar-13 20:38:36

Yanbu. This happens to me every Mother's Day. My mil books a restaurant and demands that we all go. I don't even get a say. Two years ago whilst pregnant with dd2 I dared to suggest that I wanted to do something with my mum and my dd1 and she actually stuck her hand in the air in front of dd1, dh, bil and sil and said 'no you are not doing that, as a mother of two (!) I get the final say'

Last year i was really feeling ill and my oh said he'd look after me and we'd have a dvd day at home. She made such a fuss that dh ended up taking the kids (as she wanted to spend mothers day with them, not giving a toss about me spending mothers day with my own kids!) This year I got in first and told her that I'm going to my mums with my kids and I don't give a toss what dh does really, I'm not spending another Mother's Day being disregarded.

5Foot5 Fri 08-Mar-13 21:00:26

Wow Lonelynessie your MIL sounds awful!

'no you are not doing that, as a mother of two (!) I get the final say'

How did you resist telling her you will do what the hell you like . Does your DH ever stand up to her?

mynewpassion Fri 08-Mar-13 21:58:39

If your husband is on the planning why hasn't he communicated the dinner plans to you?

YANBU! I've had similar from my sister this year about what we're doing for my mum. I feel like shouting at her, "Hey, I'm a mum too you know"! (She isn't). As it is, I've seen my arse I'll be fucked if I'm lifting a finger on Mother's Day. DD1 has already told me I have to stay in bed so she can bring me a cup of tea in bed. grin (Bless her, I've just taught her how to make tea). And DH has said he's making a roast and has invited my mum here. So my sister can do what she likes, if she wants to come for a roast then fine, if not then she can bloody well sod off! angry

Sorry, slight thread hijack there. blush

PleasePudding Fri 08-Mar-13 22:20:55

YADNBU

I get this too. Mothering Sunday is about MIL seeing her children and her grandchildren (my children) and we all fall in.

I don't really care about the day so it doesn't worry me too much but I do feel a bit surprised that it just never occurs to them that the day is not MIL's alone.

PoppyWearer Fri 08-Mar-13 22:25:39

Same thing happens to me. Last year I was the one who made all the plans, ordered and collected all the flowers, cards, presents (as SIL was about to give birth and BIL is useless). DH didn't even bother with a card, so all I got was the one DD made at nursery (which was lovely, but no present, no lie-in, nothing?!).

This year I wanted to spend it with my Mum, just a quiet weekend at our place. But it transpired that MIL was going to be "in the vicinity" and of course it's turned into the whole ILs' family AGAIN.

It seems that my Mum and I don't count. My Mum, bless her, has brought me some flowers and at least DH had the good sense to come home with what looks like a big bag full of expensive toiletries to make up for last/this year...

rockinhippy Fri 08-Mar-13 22:43:24

YANBU - though I'm a bit biased, as I'm in a similar situation myself - DHs Sister is off on yet another holiday with BIL, meaning that yet again DH is the only one around for Mother's Day - AGAIN - & its just taken for granted that we ALL go along too - I've gone along with it for the last 4 years as I felt sorry for her, but I'm pissed off that here we are yet again & childless SIL tells DH hell ave to see MIL on Sunday as she's not aroundhmm - I would have gone, but told him I wasn't best pleased - his DM is hard to please & we will have to eat in one of very few places she approves, places we don't actually like - whilst she moans all through it & fidgets to get outside & smoke herself silly.... But my owning up to not being happy meant he over reacted & got a strop on

So I told him - your DM - not mine or DDs so sod off & deal with it yourself - DD & I will now do something nice together grin

simplesusan Fri 08-Mar-13 23:11:58

Well at least they have thought of you.

I have never been taken anywhere on Mother's Day.

My dh thinks it is just a made up day by "those bastards" at hallmark! Nice.

RoseandVioletCreams Fri 08-Mar-13 23:31:46

YADNBU

Infact reading your op title made me feel:

<Punch arm in air>

YEsssssss

" This year I can enjoy Mothers Day for "me", for/with my DC, NOT, I repeat NOT, simply worshiping at the altar of the MIL, whereby I am simply a vessle through which the prodgeny of HER Ultimate motherlyness -

Passed Through. "

RoseandVioletCreams Fri 08-Mar-13 23:32:29

SIMPLE susan

Do you remind him of those thoughts on Fathers Day?

LaydeeC Fri 08-Mar-13 23:33:20

fwiw, I don't think yabu, I have a similar problem with my mil - there is a great expectation that we will all see her and spend time with her on md. BUT, she buys me some flowers etc and recognises that I am a mum with a mum myself. This year both my kids are away for md so, like last year, md in my house will be the following weekend. I have no problem with this and nor do either of my teenagers - makes it a lot less stressful rather than being resentful about the day being monopolised by someone else.

twitchycurtains Sat 09-Mar-13 00:58:28

YADNBU. I've just been told by my MIL that we are to come to hers for dinner on sunday, she didnt ask, she told me. Mentioned it to SH whose response was 'oh ok then'. FFS I wish MIL would recognise that the whole world does not revolve around her. I have 2 dc of my own and was looking forward to a quiet family day just me, dh and the kids, we plannrd to pop in to see MIL , give cards, flowers etc then leave.
Now, because of MIL and spineless DH I will spend my sunday teatime-evening serving dinner , washing dishes, cleaning her bloody kitchen whilst she sits there relaxing, well, it is md after all!

twitchycurtains Sat 09-Mar-13 00:58:55

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Iaintdunnuffink Sat 09-Mar-13 01:05:41

I don't expect pampering or £'s spent on me but Yanbu

I've been married for over 10"years and every Mother's Day my inlaws all seem to behave like extras in a Dr Who episode WE MUST ViSIT MOThER. It's fucking odd.

Iaintdunnuffink Sat 09-Mar-13 01:16:48

Twitchycurtains any chance you can opt out? Let dp and the kids go.

If you do go why get up and serve & washup? Sit there, smile and remark to mil how you're enjoying the day being looked after.

twitchycurtains Sat 09-Mar-13 01:22:13

Iaint- no can do unless I want a sulky DH and even sulkier inlaws for the rest of the year, my inlaws have a knack of making just about any event about them, mil especially. With a wimpy loving son like DH I tend to pick my battles.

IABUofcourse Sat 09-Mar-13 01:33:14

Back in 1912 a very savvy american woman trademarked the phrase Mothers Day. This is a new 'day' along with all the others. My son, me and my mom all know we love each other and there is no angst

Welovegrapes Sat 09-Mar-13 01:36:21

Actually mothering Sunday is a very old tradition. Iirc from my researching days I think it goes back to at least the 17th century.

IABUofcourse Sat 09-Mar-13 01:47:09

Wll then it depends if you are christian and celebrating Mothering Sunday or not and celebrating Mothers Day

Welovegrapes Sat 09-Mar-13 01:51:50

In the UK Sunday is mothering Sunday aka mother's day and it was a day when people have gifts to their mothers many centuries ago. Not a purely religious thing at all!!

Tbh I find it sad so many people thing mothering Sunday and valentines day are recent inventions when they were going on 400 years ago.

Welovegrapes Sat 09-Mar-13 01:52:14

Gave gifts not have gifts - thanks phone blush

IABUofcourse Sat 09-Mar-13 02:02:30

Really? Not a day when they went back to their Mother Church?

IABUofcourse Sat 09-Mar-13 02:12:10

and the reason "gifts" as in wildflowers picked as a posy was because they hadn't seen family in so long nothing along the lines of how Mothers Day appears to be now

Welovegrapes Sat 09-Mar-13 02:18:42

Yep - it was a holiday for young people so they went home and they took gifts to their mothers with them. If I had my phd stuff I could quote, but it's all in the loft now smile

zipzap Sat 09-Mar-13 20:18:02

THink the returning to the Mother Church and to see your parents was all part and parcel of the same thing - because chances were, if you were a young servant girl/boy then you wouldn't have gone miles and miles away from home, so even if you didn't go to the same local church as your parents, chances are that you would go to the same Mother church and therefore get a rare chance to see them.

There was also a tradition of taking simnel cakes (marzipan - yum!) and as it was about half way through lent there was a brief relaxing of the strict lent food rules so that you could enjoy cake with your mother (and father and rest of your family!)

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