To Tell My Mum That I Don't Want To Celebrate Mother's Day?

(49 Posts)
judybloomers Thu 07-Mar-13 16:48:16

I've just spoken to my DM on the phone.

They are coming down to visit tomorrow and I was asking when they would be heading home. She said they would stay later in the day than normal given that it's a special day.

We have had 6 rounds of fertility treatment resulting in an ectopic and a miscarriage and heehaw else.

I said that we didn't want to make a big fuss of the day and she wanted to know why not. I had to spell out that it was quite difficult because I so wanted to be a mum and each year I kept thinking this would be the last Mother's Day that I wasn't a mum and it also made me think of the babies that I'd lost.

My DM said that she didn't understand my attitude because I still have a mum - her own mum died 12 years ago - and I should be glad of that. She just didn't get where I was coming from at all.

So, AIBU and selfish? I have got her, my stepmum and my MIL a card each if that counts for anything?

CocacolaMum Thu 07-Mar-13 16:51:38

As a mother I am shocked that she doesn't want to make this time as easy and smooth for you as possible. I am really sorry that you are a mum without a child, it must feel very raw.

Mothers day is such a bloody hallmark event anyway, am I the only person who couldn't give a shit about it?

YANBU to feel the way you do, but I don't think SIBU to want to spend the day with you either, especially as it's probably a hard day for her too.
Sorry, sitting on the fence isn't helpful, but I'm sorry for your losses thanks I hope you get through the day however you need to.

judybloomers Thu 07-Mar-13 16:55:01

It isn't that I'm not happy to spend the day with her, it's just that I can't face going out to lunch and seeing all the other women with their children and special Mother's Day menus and things. I'm happy to see her in herself.

Groovee Thu 07-Mar-13 16:55:20

I'm on the fence as it's obviously a day which you find hard, but doesn't your mum deserve to be a wee bit spoiled too?

CocacolaMum Thu 07-Mar-13 16:57:42

IMO her mum WOULD deserve to be spoiled if what she had said when she called was "I thought we would just spend time at yours/mine and have a nice lunch, I know this must be a hard day..do you want to talk about it?". To expect to be spoiled at the expense of her daughters feelings is downright bratty.

I might be wrong but thats not the vibe I get from the OP

judybloomers Thu 07-Mar-13 16:59:55

I guess it's that she was genuinely oblivious to the idea that I might find it a hard day. I had to explain why and she still couldn't see why I would feel that way.

TheSeniorWrangler Thu 07-Mar-13 17:18:18

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

judybloomers Thu 07-Mar-13 17:34:30

It's a reasonable question. Do my feelings trump hers?

I think in general I'm a good daughter and do go out of my way to make a fuss of her on her birthday etc, but this has been an horrendous year and I just can't face it being rubbed in my face.

I am upset that she didn't even get that it would be difficult, even after I explained to her. I should say that I wouldn't normally see her on Mother's Day because she lives a few hours away.

Cantbelieveitsnotbutter Thu 07-Mar-13 17:36:47

Ouch judy did you miss the miscarriage bit?! She is a mum but her babies sleeping

Cantbelieveitsnotbutter Thu 07-Mar-13 17:38:24

Sorry judy quoted the wrong name there! Let's try again
Senior wrangler did you miss the miscarriage bit?

TheSeniorWrangler Thu 07-Mar-13 17:38:43

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Maryz Thu 07-Mar-13 17:39:42

No, you are not being unreasonable.

If I was you, I would do something else altogether on Mothers' Day and meet her next weekend.

We had years of infertility and I found Mothers' Day (and Christmas) to be horrendous sad. I think it is terrible that your mother doesn't understand this.

Wrangler, have you got children? And did you suffer from years of infertility, because if you didn't it is hard to understand how devastating it can be

judybloomers Thu 07-Mar-13 17:39:45

Thanks Can't that did make me flinch - but I wondered if I was being oversensitive.

BTW Cocacola that's exactly how I feel - a mum with no babies - I feel pathetic.

TheNebulousBoojum Thu 07-Mar-13 17:40:43

I'm so sorry that your mother isn't more understanding, and I don't think you are being unreasonable or insensitive at all.

SirBoobAlot Thu 07-Mar-13 17:41:36

YANBU. <hugs> to you.

nomoreplease Thu 07-Mar-13 17:43:24

I do think you are being slightly unreasonable, coming from someone who lost her mum before her first birthday this time of year is awfully hard but to me is about celebrating your mum and all she gave you and all she does for you. Not what your children bring to you.

But I do understand your yearning for a child and actually being a mum.

CocacolaMum Thu 07-Mar-13 17:44:08

I certainly was not saying that you were pathetic. WTH did that come from? x

TheNebulousBoojum Thu 07-Mar-13 17:47:00

Pick a different day to spoil her, card and chocolates and flowers on the day, going out somewhere on another day.
My OH had to persuade my mum that it was OK to celebrate Mothers' day the year after he lost both of his parents. She didn't want to upset him.
I can't imagine my DD going through what you have without me empathising along with her and trying to be as supportive as possible.

judybloomers Thu 07-Mar-13 17:47:49

No no Cocacola I know you weren't calling me pathetic - I do feel like a mother with no children, but I feel pathetic for feeling that way when I see mothers with their real live children.

It sounds like most people are saying that IABU, maybe so, but I guess I feel I should be able to be unreasonable once in a while and my mum shoulds understand.

Maryz Thu 07-Mar-13 17:52:47

No, you are NOT being unreasonable.

Anyone who is saying you are is just plain WRONG [gavel]. And unless they have had years of infertility and miscarriage they have no right to an opinion.

Mothers' Day is crap for those who are ttc. And it's pretty crap for those whose relationship with their children has broken down as well. And no-one who is feeling crap should be forced to celebrate a day that makes them feel crapper.

DragonMamma Thu 07-Mar-13 17:55:31

I can appreciate that it's hard for you, given your fertility problems to date. But if she's a good mum otherwise I think you need to put your (valid) feelings aside and celebrate that you do have your mum, many don't and anything can happen at any time so I would try if I were you.

girlwiththedragon Thu 07-Mar-13 17:58:31

OP you are NOT being unreasonable your mum is being insensitive. If my children were in your position I would give up every single mothers day forever (it's shit anyway). Feel for you ignore mother's day it's false and crap

Honestly, yes, you are being a bit selfish. Sometimes you have to be and other people have to understand.

Your mother is being very insensitive and not even trying to understand how you feel. My mother did something similar the first mothers day after my son died, she called to moan that I hadn't marked the day and she was still my mother and deserved recognition. I was keeping it together by a thread and the last thing I needed was to have to consider anyone elses feelings.

Sometimes you just need to think about yourself, I think this is one of those occasions.

I hope the day is as gentle as it can be for you thanks

girlwiththedragon Thu 07-Mar-13 17:59:27

I mean I feel for you I really do

Joolsy Thu 07-Mar-13 18:00:15

You don't need to go out. Why not just have a nice meal at home with her? Then you can spend some time together. That would not take away how you're feeling about not being a mother at this time. I don't particularly like going out on Mothers' Day or any other 'special' day. My OH doesn't do much for me on Mothers' Day as he says I'm not his mum (!) and my kids are a bit young at the mo. Just a quiet cuppa in bed for 5 mins and I'm happy.

TheNebulousBoojum Thu 07-Mar-13 18:00:20

'It sounds like most people are saying that IABU, maybe so'

Nope, count the posts. Almost everyone is saying your feelings are valid and your mum could be more aware of them.

EuroShaggleton Thu 07-Mar-13 18:00:47

judy I completely understand. I am going to hide in my house all day on Sunday. We have had it confirmed today that I am going to miscarry a very much wanted IVF baby after a long, long time ttc. Christmas was awfully difficult and this timing is just the icing on the cake. We usually have my parents over for lunch or something on Mother's Day. This year I can't face being sociable and pasting on a smile. I have sent a card and ordered some flowers. I will be calling her later to tell her why I will be hiding on Sunday. I feel quite guilty about it - it is her day. But it should be mine too. Sometimes you have to be a little bit selfish and do what is right for you. She has had 36 years of being made a fuss of on Mother's Day. This one will just need to be low key.

Hang on - they're coming tomorrow, ie Friday? Can you do something to celebrate your mother on the Friday and then do something personal on Sunday?

judybloomers Thu 07-Mar-13 18:02:40

So sorry Euro

judybloomers Thu 07-Mar-13 18:03:41

They are staying til Sunday specifically so my mum can be made a fuss of on Sunday. I would rather have just had a quiet day not having to pretend to be jolly.

ssd Thu 07-Mar-13 18:04:00

op, you are not unreasonable at all, I havent had fertility issues but I can well sympathise with you feeling hurt. Your mum is being very blinkered and selfish, sorry but thats the bottom line. She cant see how much you are hurting and being your mum she is the one person in the world who should understand. (i recently lost my mum and I'm very emotional about mothers day)

I hope you sped the day in the way you want, you arent the one in the wrong here.

Tailtwister Thu 07-Mar-13 18:04:14

I don't think YABU at all. I find it pretty callous that your mum doesn't see where you're coming from on this. You would expect a caring mother to want to make things as easy for her daughter as possible. Instead she's behaving like a spoilt brat. That wouldn't want me to make a fuss of her on mother's day tbh. What kind of mother behaves like that!

I think you just have to accept that this is her view and tbh I would tell her to take a hike. Sorry to be so blunt, but having gone through IVF myself I know how hard it is and I think she's been a prize cow.

judybloomers Thu 07-Mar-13 18:05:21

Usually when they visit they leave after breakfast on the Sunday, so until this afternoon, I thought that was what would be happening.

judybloomers Thu 07-Mar-13 18:07:36

Cross-posted.

Oh dear and now I feel bad to have people calling my DM a cow. She's not really, she's lovely, she just doesn't have much imagination.

Maryz Thu 07-Mar-13 18:09:04

Tell them you are doing something on Sunday (or get your dh to). Have breakfast with her and give her a card if that will shut her up hmm and at 11 get into your car (take a book) and go up the road. Sit in the car and read, and only go home when they are gone.

Seriously, don't put yourself through this. It isn't fair of her to expect it.

AvonCallingBarksdale Thu 07-Mar-13 18:09:32

Euro, very sorry to hear that.
OP, this is tricky, cos I think it's more about your mum's reaction. She is BU not to be more sensitive towards you. I don't have any experience of difficulties with trying to conceive, but I don't think it's a massive step to empathise and understand that mother's Day will be a difficult day for you. If she's coming tomorrow, couldn't you do stuff with her then and have your own day on Sunday?

judybloomers Thu 07-Mar-13 18:09:33

Though actually I guess I am quite angry with her. When we lsot the first baby she phoned me in tears because she was so upset. I ended up comforting her. I do know how much she wants to be a Gran.

Maryz Thu 07-Mar-13 18:09:39

She probably isn't doing it on purpose. But still, it's too much to expect. Just make an excuse.

littlemonkeychops Thu 07-Mar-13 18:12:04

YADNBU, quite surprised anyone could think you were.

How on earth your mother can't see why you'll find it hard, even once you'd explained is beyond me.

As to those who have said you're being selfish, huh?

As a mum herself your mum should totally get why you find this sunday hard and be going out of her way to make it easier for you, not telling you that you should feel "glad" you've got her. Really?! You should be "glad" to have an insensitive mum? Why?

Go easy on yourself you've had a rough time and deserve kindness not guilt tripping.

storynanny Thu 07-Mar-13 18:13:35

It's really difficult isn't it trying to please everyone on days such as Mother's Day? There was an interesting post the other day which said it should be reserved for those doing active mothering, eg mums with young children and us older mums should accept that as we have had our turn. I personally think that made very good sense. I would expect my sons to make their wives a priority on Mother's Day if there are young children involved.
Of course Mother's Day is a USA name, in this country it's Mothering Sunday, originating from the days when young girls in service went home to visit their mums with a cake and go to their parish ( called mother) church.
It's an upsetting day for so many groups of women - I'm going out for lunch with a girl friend as my grown up sons live the other side of the world and she sadly has no children of her own and lost her own mother as a child. Likewise my step daughter gets upset as her own mother died when she was a teenager.
I shall be helping 30 little ones make a card at school tomorrow and reminding them to get it out of their school bags on Sunday! Don't forget to check book bags over the weekend everyone.
Interesting , are there so many conflicts of interest on Father's Day?

Can your OH talk to her?

TheSeniorWrangler Thu 07-Mar-13 18:14:16

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

yanbu, im sorry shes such an idiot you had to spell it out to her

its a hard day for those of us with huge loss in our lives, in fact mothers day is a silly day really imo.

your mum is out of order imo

im so sorry for your loss, i hope better luck is in store for you x

TheSeniorWrangler Thu 07-Mar-13 18:15:34

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Phineyj Thu 07-Mar-13 18:15:54

YANBU, your Mum is. Can DH try explaining to her -- as I am sure he is upset too.

Maybe you/your OH need to be blunt with her. "We're pleased you're visiting but I'm afraid you'll have to leave at X time. It's been a really difficult time and we need to just be by ourselves."

Flixy102 Thu 07-Mar-13 18:28:55

OP, this thread really struck a chord with me. I've told DH not to get anything for me for Mother's Day from his DD (my DSD) as we are having fertility problems and I really can't handle getting a card or present when I have no babies of my own.

I thought perhaps it was a tad mean of me to say that and maybe I should just go ahead with accepting a gift etc, but I just can't handle it this year (as I have done previous years).

I empathise with you enormously.sad

FormerlyKnownAsPrincessChick Thu 07-Mar-13 18:35:29

YADNBU. I'm really sorry for your crappy time TTC and your losses. As someone who's been through 2 MCs and having taken 3 years to get pregnant and having seen 3 Mother's Day when I should have been a mum - it hits hard. It really is a misery. All of the reminders on telly, in the shops etc. My mum lost her mum 20 years ago, so I always make a fuss of her but there are many different ways of making a fuss and expecting you to go out is simply too much. Refuse to go, buy a nice bunch of flowers / present, tell her you love her but be firm and honest about your feelings. Wishing you lots of love and luck for the future xxx thanks

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