to expect that my husband would prioritise his wife and children over his mother

(205 Posts)
angelicstar Thu 07-Mar-13 16:01:00

Maybe I am - would be interested in opinion.

DH's mother is in hospital and they live about 2 hours away from us on the south coast. Although she has been quite ill she is recovering and will be out in about a week so it's not a life and death situation. DH drove down to see her on Monday and she has FIL and also DH's sister who lives near by so she is not languishing on her own.

Meanwhile I have been poorly and DD who is 2 has quite a bad viral infection with rash and high temperature. I also have a DD who is 4 and it's been hard work with them both today and poor DD2 had to be dragged out in the rain for school pick up.

DH was meant to see his mother tonight and stay over at his dad's but I have asked that he come home instead as I know DD will be up in the night and also if he is home tomorrow morning she won't have to drag out on the school run.

Just called him and he said he won't come home and his mother is his priority and he has to "split his time fairly" between us. Now surely it is not unreasonable to expect him to prioritise me and his poorly child. Just come off the phone to him in tears. Surely I should not have to beg my husband to help me with the kids? He left it saying he would see what he could sort out as if he was doing me some kind of favour.

MrsMushroom Thu 07-Mar-13 16:04:10

Hmm difficult. On one hand, it's something that is very important to I see where your DH is coming from and also, if he was working tomorrow you would have to cope in the morning anyway...are there no parents who would take DD in for you in the morning?

On the other hand I know how horrid it is with a poorly toddler....can you drive to school or get a taxi?

I think if my MIL was quite ill I'd probably expect my DH to want to spend time with his mum. It's tough though as you are struggling - is there no-one nearby who can help you?

molly199 Thu 07-Mar-13 16:05:24

Im kind of half and half about this..How often does he see his Mum?

I understand how difficult it is for you..But if it was me I would not want to look back and think I wasn't there for my Mum when she died later on.

If you aren't that well perhaps keep DD2 of school tomorrow for one day of rest so you's all don't have to go out.

ENormaSnob Thu 07-Mar-13 16:06:41

It really depends on how poorly mil is vs how poorly you and your dc are imho.

As mil is in hospital and has another week of hospital to go I would say she sounds quite unwell.

NotTreadingGrapes Thu 07-Mar-13 16:07:46

You and the children aren't hospitalised though, are you?

I can't be objective on this mum was really ill and I kept nipping up to see her for a few days at a time. I was so worried about her (but she was dying so not recovering) that had DH asked me not to go because he felt ill, I still would have gone.

If she has been really ill, regardless of whether she is in recovery now, then I totally see your DH's side and understand why he is going.

Honestly, I appreciate you feel rough but it is really awful having a parent really ill.......and just think, your DH is a perfect role model for your DC, they know when they are older to prioritise their mum, not their partners smile (Joke, but you know what I mean)

HeathRobinson Thu 07-Mar-13 16:09:38

YANBU. I would expect support from dh in your situation.

For better, for worse.

KellyElly Thu 07-Mar-13 16:10:45

Just called him and he said he won't come home and his mother is his priority and he has to "split his time fairly" between us. That comment would piss me off. You and his child (even more so) are now his priority, not his mother. However, taking that comment aside, if his mother is ill enough to be in hospital and you and your DD have just been ill with colds/flu (e.g. non serious illnesses) etc, then I do think YABU.

nemno Thu 07-Mar-13 16:12:48

I'm sorry you are struggling but I do think your husband is right to give his mother this attention. I am in the position of your SIL and I am always so relieved when my brother visits if my folks are struggling. It gives my parents such a boost and gives me both someone to talk to who shares my relationship to them and lets me relax a bit that someone else is there to share the load.

I hope you feel better soon and can get support from someone else for a short while.

mmmuffins Thu 07-Mar-13 16:14:44

I personally think YANBU.

You are ill, DD is ill, and you are struggling to deal with it all this week. An ill child is his responsibility to care for as well.

As MIL is cared for, and is recovering, I do not think it is unreasonable for your DH to push back his visit a couple days, when you and/or DD are doing better.

I definitely understand how you would feel hurt if you specifically asked him for help and he refused.

CocacolaMum Thu 07-Mar-13 16:15:05

YANU unreasonable unless you have other people you can call to save you having to drag dd out on school run. His child IS his priority - not on a list. Never mind you who I am sure would cope just fine if she wasnt poorly.

DontmindifIdo Thu 07-Mar-13 16:17:19

Your DCs are his responsibility, his mother is not. However, I can see why he might feel he has to be there to help look after his father as well as his mother.

However, have you pointed out to him there's a very good chance he's caught what DD2 has? It might be worth asking him to call the hospital, tell them what DD2 has, that he's been living in the house with her, ask if there's a chance he's carrying it, they might suggest he stays clear of the hosptial where there's vunerable older people... I'd assume he's infectious. How would he feel if his mum or someone else in the hospital caught it and had bad complications?

digerd Thu 07-Mar-13 16:17:37

His dad and sis are there.

My DB went to a hospital to pick up mum who was suffering horrendous whip lash injuries and dad < he was fine> after dad passed out driving on the motorway and crashed. He drove from Bristol to Bedford, helped dad get mum out and in the house, but then drove home. He didn't even have very young children. And they asked DB to thank SIL for letting him leave her all that time to help them.

Do not understand your DH and he is wrong with his priorities. If he had said his dad needed his help to carry the mum indoors and get her upstairs fine, but there is a SonIL nearby. You need him back tonight, due to sick child and a 4 year-old to look after.

He is being unreasonably inconsiderate of you and his DC to say his parents come before you.

ENormaSnob Thu 07-Mar-13 16:17:47

Thinking more about this I think yabu.

Very much so.

One child with a viral infection, there's no way I would've even asked dh to come home if my mil was in hospital.

Maternitygold Thu 07-Mar-13 16:17:54

He is very fair... Mother is a family too? Wouldn't you want your daughters to care for you in old age and give you equal importance. Please don't be unfair on the poor bloke ... Your mil is your mum as well

For better, for worse

Really?? So, once we get married and have our own kids we just shove our parents aside....their job is done, get on with it??

That is so sad!! I really hope my DS doesn't get married and then bin me off!

WestieMamma Thu 07-Mar-13 16:21:39

I'm sorry but I think YABU too. I know you're feeling rough and need some support but she's his mum and she's is poorly enough to be in hospital. I feel that your OP plays down how poorly she is, but we all know that hospitals don't keep you in for such a long time unless you are really poorly.

TheNebulousBoojum Thu 07-Mar-13 16:21:42

Do you not have a friend who could sit with DD2 whilst you do the collection from school?
Or a friend who could drop off and collect DD1?
I think you are making a mountain out of a molehill, can you truly not manage for a couple of days?

MerylStrop Thu 07-Mar-13 16:25:27

I think he is wrong to say that he needs to "split his time fairly". Because it is not about fairness it is about who is most ill, and who needs him most.

Which in this case is probably his mum. And also his dad, and his sister, who presumably could do with a break and a bit of support, practical or moral.

Your DH's tone would have pissed me off, but YABU

HeathRobinson Thu 07-Mar-13 16:28:19

Mil has fil, sil and bil around and is getting better.

Op is ill and has an ill child and another child to look after.

And he makes a comment like 'split his time fairly'. shock

AnyFucker Thu 07-Mar-13 16:28:53

Yabu, and selfish

Stay home tomorrow and have a duvet day if you can't face the school run

They do not keep people in hospital for trivial reasons, believe me

Man up, lady

snuffaluffagus Thu 07-Mar-13 16:29:54

I think YABU I'm afraid, his mum is in hospital. I would find that dreadfully worrying in his position.

Footface Thu 07-Mar-13 16:30:20

Yabu sorry, it's awful looking dc's when poorly, but she's in hospital. What has your doctor said?

KellyElly Thu 07-Mar-13 16:31:13

Wouldn't you want your daughters to care for you in old age and give you equal importance. I would never expect my daughter to give me equal importance over her own child. Your child is your priority, end of!

MonaLotte Thu 07-Mar-13 16:35:43

How would you feel if you were the MIL in this situation and your children weren't there to visit you?

BackforGood Thu 07-Mar-13 16:36:32

I agree with most - I think you need to let him be with his parents. She may not be dangerously ill this week, but when she does go, he will know he did spend time there, and if that's what he feels he must do, then that's what he must do. I know when my parents were in hospital, dh just took up the reins, let me concentrate on my parents, and he dealt with the children. It's what you do.
Why not ask another parent to drop your older one to school and back tomorrow ?

TheNebulousBoojum Thu 07-Mar-13 16:37:57

His child is a bit ill with a virus, as are several thousand two year olds at this very moment somewhere in England.
I wonder if the OP manages normally, or if she regularly complains about her OH not helping enough when the children are both well and lively. His response was snappy and unsupportive, and that made me wonder.
His mum is in hospital and he'll be home tomorrow for the weekend. Surely he can do his bit then and OP can stay in bed.

Jinsei Thu 07-Mar-13 16:39:09

Sorry but yabu and a bit precious.

From what you've said, you don't sound that ill whereas MIL obviously has been. Why shouldn't he be there to support his mum and other family members?

A dear friend of mine has just gone abroad for 3 months to be with her very sick mother, leaving her DH and 9yo dd to fend for themselves while she is away. It has been incredibly hard for her to make that choice, but she doesn't want any regrets when her mum is no longer around. I'm thankful that her DH is so supportive in this.

Wife & kids don't automatically take priority over elderly parents. You're all family, so it's about whose need is the greatest.

Hope you're feeling better soon.

complexnumber Thu 07-Mar-13 16:41:36

Seen from his POV he cannot win can he?

He's a git whatever he does. Poor bloke

seeker Thu 07-Mar-13 16:42:24

Ring a friend. Ask her to do the school run for you. Stay in bed with little one.

Let your dh be a son. He hasn't stopped being a son because he is now a husband and father.

Fakebook Thu 07-Mar-13 16:42:52

Yabvu. As someone who cares part time for an elderly ill father, it would be bloody brilliant if my brother shared the caring with me, but he only looks out for his own wife and children and has seemed to have forgotten he has a father. I resent him greatly for this. It's bordering hate these days and I've cut off as much contact as possible because of these bad feelings.

You should be glad you have a husband who cares for his parents and is helping his sister whilst their mother is in hospital. What a good example he is setting his children too. You're going to get old/ill too one day.

TheNebulousBoojum Thu 07-Mar-13 16:44:17

Flip the genders and see what happens.
My mum is in hospital, my DH has manflu and DD2 is not well with a virus and a temperature, DH says he can't cope for 24 hours whilst I visit mum and that I must come home right now.
I don't know what I should do.

NotTreadingGrapes Thu 07-Mar-13 16:46:11

Flip the genders and I'd tell him to get his arse into gear, stop being so pathetic and manflu-y and look after his kids while I stayed with my mother.

Actually, if he said he couldn't cope I'd have to hit him with a shovel.

I think maybe people are missing that he has already been with his mum all week. The OP isn't asking him not to visit his mum, she is asking him to come home after a week of it. It's not like he couldn't go back again either, its 2 hours, a lot of people do more than that as a daily commute.

Angelic, if it was your mum who was ill, would your dp automatically assume that he would take time off work (for a whole week or more) to look after his children while you visited your mum? Or would he say you'd have to take the kids with you or only visit for a day or find someone else to look after them? I.e. would he do for you what he assumes you will do for him?

Lol at all the people assuming Angelic must surely have friends and family around to support her, and simultaneously assuming that the MIL needs the dh full-time and no one else.

And Betty - how is visiting your sick mum for a week, and then going home to look after your sick wife and child "shoving parents aside"?

angelicstar Thu 07-Mar-13 16:48:24

Thanks for your opinions

Just to make it clear his mother is getting better now - she is not seriously ill or at deaths door and he saw her on Monday. FIL/SIL and her husband are all near and capable of doing hospital visits and she has friends etc so it is not all falling on one person.

I just feel that young children are a priority. I know for certain that my mother wouldn't dream of expecting me to visit her if my kids were ill. In fact she would tell me off if I did as she would say my place was with the kids!

When my children have kids I would always want them to prioritise their children I have had then so that they can go out in the world and do their own thing - not to care for me when I am old. I would personally feel very guilty to drag one of my DDs away from my poorly grandchild.

It is just upsetting that he doesn't seem to care about poor DD - and she was really looking forward to seeing him tonight and asking about him.

MTSgroupie Thu 07-Mar-13 16:48:33

I was in this situation a few weeks ago except it was my mother in hospital.

I got a call from my sister at about 8pm to say that mum had gone into hospital. It was 'only' an infection but when you are 87 with a history of bad health .....

Anyway, I told DP what was happening and how I be back in a few days (parents live 2 hours away). I got a similar speech about how my mum always comes first and how it was bedlam at work so looking after the kids plus sorting out work was going to be a nightmare.

My 87 yr old mum was in hospital and all DP was thinking of was work and the school run angry.

It doesn't surprise me that your DH spoke to you in that 'tone' because that was how I spoke to mine. Sorry OP but in my book, an elderly hospitalised mum kind of trumps everything. It doesn't mean that I don't love my DP or DCs.

Aspiemum2 Thu 07-Mar-13 16:49:29

Precisely what Anyfucker said, word for word.
Your dh has probably been really worried about his Mum, I think you should be more supportive about that. Kids get bugs all the time, you just have to deal with it

SmiteYouWithThunderbolts Thu 07-Mar-13 16:50:18

After pondering this for a while, I think YABU. Sorry, but putting myself in his position, I would find it very upsetting to have my mum in hospital and would hope that DH would support me spending as much time with her as I could. If DH gave me a hard time over it and tried to make me prioritise one over the other, I would be quite cross.

Jinsei Thu 07-Mar-13 16:50:41

Thinking about this further, I recall my ninth birthday party. My mum missed it because she was with my grandmother who had cancer. Our neighbour looked after us and sorted out my party as my dad had to be away for work.

It was an odd birthday without either of my parents, I suppose, but I'm so glad that my mum didn't come home for it - my grandmother died unexpectedly on that day, and it was right that my mum was there with her.

Some people are so selfish!

ENormaSnob Thu 07-Mar-13 16:51:23

Where does it say he's been there a week?

Op states he drove down mon and is going again tonight.

angelicstar Thu 07-Mar-13 16:51:24

BerthaTheBogCleaner - he certainly wouldn't take time off work to look after the kids you are right. I would just have to take the kids or fit it in when I could.

Also obviously if she wasn't expected to last long then of course he should be up there but she is expected to be out of hospital by the weekend!

Bertha - that was in response where someone said for better for worse, made it sound like once you make your marriage vows then your spouse is always to take priority!

Seriously, unless you have been in a position where a parent has been seriously ill then you wont's a massive worry, my mum was on my mind all the time. If DH had felt rough and DS was poorly and my DH had said he would rather I stayed home I would have thought he was a right pillock!!

TobyLerone Thu 07-Mar-13 16:52:05

YABU and selfish, I think.

Your child has you there. Your husband wants to see his mum. You and your daughter will be in your husband's life long after his mum isn't there any more. Plenty of time for him to prioritise you.

Tbh, I'd go so far as to say you owe your DH an apology for making him feel torn right now.

NotTreadingGrapes Thu 07-Mar-13 16:52:54

OP- then you tell your daughter that unfortunately, Granny is ill, so ill that she is in hospital and so Daddy has to stay away a bit longer.

I bet she's a lot more understanding about it than you.

HeySoulSister Thu 07-Mar-13 16:54:21

You've been Ill op... No longer are ?

ilovecolinfirth Thu 07-Mar-13 16:54:36

Not that I'm suggesting that she's dying as you said she's getting better, however....I've recently realised my parents won't be around forever and that time is precious with them.

I do think he could have said things a bit better, but hey, that's probably typical of many men?!

On another note, hope you and your children get well soon! X

hugoagogo Thu 07-Mar-13 16:55:04


NotTreadingGrapes Thu 07-Mar-13 16:55:14

Made a quick recovery has she? I thought she was "going to be out in about a week".

Jinsei Thu 07-Mar-13 16:55:50

Sorry OP, but your second post sounds even more precious. Your dd has a virus! You judged her well enough to take her out on the school run, so she can't be that poorly.

I feel sorry for your DH. sad

ENormaSnob Thu 07-Mar-13 16:55:58

Op, I thought you were unreasonable in the first place but saying its ok because she has fil and sil there makes you even more so imo.

What about how your dh feels?

Just because they live closer how is it fair that it all falls to them?

I live closest to my grandparents and would be seriously fucked off if my bil had the same attitude as you.

LillianGish Thu 07-Mar-13 16:57:16

I don't know what is wrong with your MIL, but we had similar with mine in the summer. She was in hospital for four weeks, they kept saying she would soon be ready to go home - she never did. So glad my DH spent as much time as he could with her and it certainly helped him when trying to come to terms with her death. As other posters have said - they don't keep you in hospital for trivial reasons. Your DH shouldn't have to choose between you and his mum and you shouldn't force him to do so. He is doing the right thing - I hope your dcs won't abandon you when they get their own families. Your dcs are little - it won't kill them to have a day off school if you can't manage the school run. YABU.

AThingInYourLife Thu 07-Mar-13 16:58:45


She's in hospital, so her care is sorted.

All her can do is visit her. Which he has done.

You and your children are sick and need help.

So he should help.

Then he can go and be of practical support to his mother when she gets out if hospital.

Bet he leaves the hard work to his sister, though.

If my DH had made me choose and I hadn't been there for my mum at the end....well, I would never have forgiven him. Not that he would have ever made a song and dance about it anyway!

TheNebulousBoojum Thu 07-Mar-13 16:59:09

You don't need this conversation with AIBU, OP because you really think you are not being unreasonable. You need to have it with your DH tomorrow.

MrsMushroom Thu 07-Mar-13 16:59:33

So is there nobody to ask to do the school run?

Oh God, I was torn when I thought that he had been down there since Monday. I've just re-read it and realise that he went down on Monday and now wants to go back down tonight.

It's not just about who can go into see your MIL it's about DH seeing his mum when she isn't well. If my husband whined that he didn't want me to go and see my mum when she was ill because there were other people there I'd be very upset.

You've already said that DH wouldn't be taking time off work to take your DD to school so there's no difference there. If you and your DDs are still feeling grotty in the morning have a duvet day and relax.

YABVU and pretty bloody selfish.

Bet he leaves the hard work to his sister, though

That's quite an assumption to make without actually knowing the guy isn't it. hmm

Fakebook Thu 07-Mar-13 17:01:01

It is just upsetting that he doesn't seem to care about poor DD - and she was really looking forward to seeing him tonight and asking about him.

Honestly, you're still being unreasonable and bit ott. Children sense their parents anxiousness. Calm down a bit and tell her that her grandmother is ill and DH is with her.

TheNebulousBoojum Thu 07-Mar-13 17:02:01

I still don't know why you can't just ring up one of the other school mums and ask her for a one-off favour tomorrow if DD1 needs to get to school.
You are a SAHM, there will be lots of opportunities to return the favour.

AThingInYourLife Thu 07-Mar-13 17:02:17

My Granny has been in hospital for weeks.

It's not for trivial reasons, but she's on the mend, the worry has passed and dealing with visits has become routine rather than "all hands on deck".

The world doesn't come to a standstill just because someone who is nearly better hasn't been released yet.

NotTreadingGrapes Thu 07-Mar-13 17:02:24

That comment about the daughter is more than OTT, it's emotional blackmail.

Are you very insecure OP?

I only just realised as well that the poor bloke hasn't in fact been away since Monday. Sheesh.

CloudsAndTrees Thu 07-Mar-13 17:02:28


Your child had a regular child hood virus. Your mil is ill enough to be in hospital!

You are being ridiculous. I know it's not nice when your toddler is ill, but it's not as bad as being in hospital. It's not that hard to cope with, and I'd you really can't bear to take your toddler out, then keep your four year old at home!

drjohnsonscat Thu 07-Mar-13 17:03:28

Yes of course his children should be his priority but they don't need him right now because they've got you manning the fort. You've been a bit unwell, DD is unwell, other DD is fine but a handful. That describes normal life. You should be able to cope with this. And being up at night with a poorly child is part of the job description - how would it help if he was there being up as well?

Disclaimer - single parent with two children who are constantly sick (and not just with coughs and colds either) so it's not as if I don't know what it's like but I don't see this as a big deal. As others have said, he's also showing his children how to be a good son, remain connected with extended family, support his DSIS and FIL. Fakebook sums up the flip side of that.

nailak Thu 07-Mar-13 17:03:56

who said parents are not our responsibility?

I would totally disagree with that, I would say parents are the responsibility of their children when they get older and sicker.

And they are as much of your responsibility as your kids.

FIL and SIL are with MIL and you are with your kids, no one is alone.

A virus is not comparable to a hospital stay.

You say DH is ignoring your feelings, you are ignoring his feelings. You both seem to have different outlooks on family.

Those who are saying care is sorted, really do you think the care of strangers is the same as visits from your own son? can one of your children replace the other? do you see them as generically your children? or are they actually different people? If this is the case I dont think it is relevant if SIL is there or not.

MerylStrop Thu 07-Mar-13 17:04:00

Has your DD been to docs OP?
Is there any genuine cause for concern or is she just a bit grotty?

Alibabaandthe40nappies Thu 07-Mar-13 17:04:05


Ah ok. I read the OP that he went down on Monday and Angelic has just called him to come home today instead of tomorrow (which is what it says!).

You mean he went on Monday, came back Monday, he's been at work all week and home at nights, and today he was supposed to make another trip to see her and you've asked him to drive home afterwards rather than sleeping over at his dads?

That's a bit different. It is bloody hard with sick small kids and I know it can feel like forever, but I think maybe you should focus on keeping it together till the weekend. Then the children are all his all weekend ...

And once this is over, have a chat with him about what he'd expect to do for you if the situation was reversed.

AThingInYourLife Thu 07-Mar-13 17:06:01

I also thought he'd been there all week and been visiting several times a day.

No, he shouldn't miss out on visiting his mother for the sake of the school run tomorrow.

ilovecolinfirth Thu 07-Mar-13 17:06:51

I spent over 3 weeks in hospital when I was pregnant and it was one of the loneliest times ever. I looked forward to seeing visitors. I have no family living close enough to visit, my husband couldn't take time off work so I only saw him in the evenings. Visiting often helps the process of recovery.

TheNebulousBoojum Thu 07-Mar-13 17:07:02

OP is probably under the duvet by now, with her hands over her ears, singing 'Lalala Not Listening' grin

AnyFucker Thu 07-Mar-13 17:07:23

OP,, unless there is something you are omitting to tell us, you sound like a passive aggressive nightmare

Jinsei Thu 07-Mar-13 17:08:15

As the sibling who lives near my parents, I do much more for them than DSis who lives far away, and that's fine by me - just the way it is. But I would be furious if BIL said that DSis didn't need to bother about our parents as I'm around to do everything, and I think DSis would be pretty cross too!

babanouche Thu 07-Mar-13 17:08:47

OP I get that it's hard coping on your own with 2 kids when you're not feeling well, but we all have to do that from time to time.

I think your DH is entitled to be with his family at this time. Apart from being there for his mum, his presence in the house at night is a support for his dad.

Thank goodness his mum's only in for a week. I'd hunker down and get on with it. Maybe give yourself and the kids a treat to make it go a bit easier.

babanouche Thu 07-Mar-13 17:09:20

lol @ Nebulous

LillianGish Thu 07-Mar-13 17:09:54

Having seen what happened to my lovely MIL in the summer I would never again take it for granted that someone is coming out of hospital. BIL put off visiting - preparing to make himself available when she came home - she never did. If that experience has taught me one thing it is not to take the health of our aging parents for granted. Yes it is inconvenient when they get sick, but they will not be around for ever. Cut your dh a bit of slack and give him some support and hope that he returns the favour when one of your parents is sick.

AThingInYourLife Thu 07-Mar-13 17:12:03

"I spent over 3 weeks in hospital when I was pregnant and it was one of the loneliest times ever"


Last time I spoke to my Dad my Granny hadn't had a single visitor in nearly a fortnight.

WVB apparently.

I feel so sorry for her.

complexnumber Thu 07-Mar-13 17:12:19

"Bet he leaves the hard work to his sister, though. "

Downright nasty sexist remark, based upon nothing.

bassetfeet Thu 07-Mar-13 17:14:37

I do understand how difficult life is for you at the moment OP. At night especially when alone with poorly children and feeling yuck yourself .

I sigh though because as mother to adult boys ..and a daughter in law in the past of course . Why put the man through choosing ?
He feels he needs to be with his mum tonight and probably support his father a bit. Getting older makes you vulnerable sadly and a visit from your child can make a huge difference . This made me cry actually as my OH is ill . Hate to think any visit to us is making my son feel under duress .

Hope you sort it out and all are feeling better tomorrow .

TheNebulousBoojum Thu 07-Mar-13 17:16:22

I'm remembering the time when my DF was hospitalised very suddenly when DH was away at a conference and I grabbed my bag, ran out the door and yelled 'You're in charge DD, no arguing DS'
That was at teatime.
Came back around 2am to find she'd cooked dinner, sorted her brother bathwise and homeworkwise, sent him to bed at the usual time managed her stuff, set out uniform for the next day and left me a detailed note praising him for not being a bother at all, despite the fact they usually argued.
She was 14, with a stinking heavy cold and he has SN and could be challenging.
But it was necessary.

AThingInYourLife Thu 07-Mar-13 17:17:12

It was based on the fact that I thought he'd been down there, off work all week visiting his mother twice a day and was planning to stay until she was released, regardless of what was happening at home.

Some people thrive on the drama of illness but do shag all to offer practical support.

Floggingmolly Thu 07-Mar-13 17:18:30

His mum is his priority. At the moment, because she's in hospital.
If she's being released in "about a week" you can guarantee she's pretty ill because if she was even approaching ok she'd be despatched immediately.
I can understand you feeling pissed off, but you are being UR.

MsPavlichenko Thu 07-Mar-13 17:20:24

I expect that your DH wants to spent some time with his Dad. No matter that your MIL is getting better, he will be worried sick, and missing her. It's great that your DH is able to do this, and your MIL will appreciate it too.

My DD and DM both died prematurely, but all my GPs had time in hospital, and I remember realising that, even if they were going to recover, that they were sometimes frightened. They needed us around. I am sure that your DH is doing the right thing here.

Whoknowswhocares Thu 07-Mar-13 17:20:54


You are a bit unwell. A cough,cold,virus? Whatever it is, you have clearly been well enough to look after your kids so far this week and have not even mentioned a diagnosis so I'm assuming you haven't needed to bother the doctor.
Your dd is also a bit unwell. An unspecified virus, but not ill enough to prevent you taking her on the school run and certainly not confined to bed. She will have dozens over her childhood. You are doing her no favours by over dramatising every last sniffle
You sound extremely self absorbed and selfish. What if YOU were the one in hospital? I bet you would think it more important that you got visited than someone else in the family got help with a random non-serious virus?
If feel sorry for your OH. He is getting it in the neck for having sensible priorities imo!

Fakebook Thu 07-Mar-13 17:20:54

I am actually shocked that OP is getting so pissed off when this is the first time her mil has been in hospital.

My dad had a fall late last year and was in hospital for a night. I spent the whole day and evening with him in A&E and my DH didn't even bat an eyelid. He had our 5 year old and DS who was 10 months then and was suffering from a cold.
DH had to go abroad when his Aunt (who'd raised him) was ill and I was left with my then 4 year old and 3 month old son for 2 weeks. She ended up dying.

You just can't have tantrums about things like this and I really hate this term "languishing alone" you've used in your OP. You seem really heartless and cold.

crashdoll Thu 07-Mar-13 17:21:07

Another YABU. A childhood illness is not comparable to MIL who is ill enough to be in hospital even if she isn't at death's door.

somewhereaclockisticking Thu 07-Mar-13 17:26:03

I remember reading somewhere years ago something along the lines of "The family that you came from is not as important as the family you will create". Of course he has responsibilities to his mother but as you say, she is not suffering alone, she has a husband and daughter. You need him right now - you are ill and cannot take care of 2 children properly if you don't feel well - as the father he has responsibilities to the children and as a husband he has responsibilities. It's not about splitting his time - you and the children should always come first. If however, you don't get along with the MIL and you ask him on a regular basis to stay home then he knows that you might just be saying you're feeling unwell and therefore he has to make a decision about whether to believe you or not. My DH is very close to his family but if I asked him not to go as I felt unwell and he then insisted on going I'm afraid I would really get very angry with him!!

TidyDancer Thu 07-Mar-13 17:27:23

I think YABU. You don't sound very supportive, which is a shame, as you should be. His mother is in hospital. Regardless of how serious it is, a parent being hospitalised can be a shock to the system and a reminder that they will not be around forever. No wonder he wants to spend time with her.

I would suck it up and deal with the DCs on my own if I was in your position, as would DP if I asked him to.

I think you are mean if you guilt trip him into coming home unnecessarily.

ll31 Thu 07-Mar-13 17:29:13

yabvu,, and sound quite cold hearted. a child with a virus and you are putting pressure on him while his mother is v ill.... think you mighy Be embarrassed if you read this in a few days

TidyDancer Thu 07-Mar-13 17:30:37

I understood that the OP wasn't actually ill....maybe I read that wrong.

NotTreadingGrapes Thu 07-Mar-13 17:31:44

She was ill. Now she's not. I think.

Vev Thu 07-Mar-13 17:32:31

I think YABU.

TheNebulousBoojum Thu 07-Mar-13 17:32:47

OP said 'Meanwhile I have been poorly and DD who is 2 has quite a bad viral infection with rash and high temperature.'

So, past tense and in the whingy recovery stage probably.

FFS how ridiculous!

Have a big dose of get over yourself!

Floggingmolly Thu 07-Mar-13 17:33:30

Hopefully that will resonate with you even more when your kids dump you in a home in order to spend more time with their new, important families, somewhere.

Whoknowswhocares Thu 07-Mar-13 17:34:22


If she wasn't ill, she wouldn't still be in hospital. They don't keep beds open for people who don't need them, especially when they have family living with them to help them recuperate

Whoknowswhocares Thu 07-Mar-13 17:36:45

Edit..... Err, might have read that wrong, I assumed the 'she' who was not ill was the mil. Just dawned on me it could be either the Op or daughter too blush

NotTreadingGrapes Thu 07-Mar-13 17:41:16

smile Yup, I'm with the husband on this one! The wife I think is no longer ill!

Maryz Thu 07-Mar-13 17:44:08

Why was your dd looking forward to seeing him tonight?

Please tell me you didn't tell her he was coming home, when he had said he was going to his mothers, because that would be a bit manipulative.

BeeBopDingALing Thu 07-Mar-13 17:53:17

YABVU. She is hospital and your DH is probably worried sick and you are putting pressure on him and making him feel guilty for wanting to be there for his mother. Ill or not I think you should call him and say sorry for being so unreasonable.

BeeBopDingALing Thu 07-Mar-13 17:53:41

*She is in hospital

nomoreplease Thu 07-Mar-13 17:54:45

It's one bloody night when he wants to see his sick mum. Can you not back him up take some beechams and get on with things?

Kids get sick at times and we have to cope, get the other kids to school, take the day off work, hell even feed everyone. Can you not see how lovely it is that your DH cares so much about his sick mother. I think it's pretty admirable, a lot if men wouldn't put themselves out half as much.

Jinsei Thu 07-Mar-13 17:55:58

I remember reading somewhere years ago something along the lines of "The family that you came from is not as important as the family you will create".

I think this is bullshit! All family is important, and you prioritise where the need is greatest!

TheNebulousBoojum Thu 07-Mar-13 17:57:39

It's just occurred to me that this is a MN thread mostly supporting a DH AND A MIL!
shock shock shock shock shock shock

It should be in classics as a rare and exotic example.

bangwhizz Thu 07-Mar-13 17:57:52

Op - where do your own family live?

NotTreadingGrapes Thu 07-Mar-13 17:59:04

grin Nebulous...I thought that, and I am one who wrote the Book Of Hatred for mine!

sparkle101 Thu 07-Mar-13 18:00:22

For anyone that says the mil doesn't need the dh as she has other family members looking after her what about what the dh wants? If it was me I would be with my mum like a shot. Just because I went and had a family with dh doesn't mean she's any less important. The same would apply to my mil and dh too, I would never make him choose. That is selfish and unfair.

WorraLiberty Thu 07-Mar-13 18:03:15


Surely you just pop the poorly toddler in the buggy and pull the rain cover down.

CMOTDibbler Thu 07-Mar-13 18:05:26

My dads been in hospital this week, and though it wasn't life threatening, its still been another knock back in his health, and sorting things out for him to be home has taken loads of time and effort. So, I'm with your dh - he should be there to support his mum, dad and sister (because being the one who is there is bloomin hard).

Jins Thu 07-Mar-13 18:06:59

Sorry but even I think YABU and that's rare on a MIL thread smile

lookingfoxy Thu 07-Mar-13 18:10:33

My dp's dad was ill recently and subsequently died, this wasn't expected though, but I chased dp up to the hospital as he was elderly and its his DAD!
I could hardly move off the couch I was so ill with pregnancy sickness and had ds to look after as well.
DP has a huge family and they were all up and down to the hospital constantly, it doesn't make any difference who else is there, you want to spend time with the person that brought you into this world when their poorly.

DontmindifIdo Thu 07-Mar-13 18:11:27

Am I the only one who's picked up on the fact this is a man who's been living with a DW and DD who are very ill with a virus (obviously an infectious one as OP has caught it from DD), and is just going to wander into a hospital where there's various very vunerable people and not call first to check they wouldn't prefer he stays away in case he's also currently harbouring that nasty virus?

What's a couple of days feeling rotten for a healthy 30something is potentially life threatening to a lot of older people who are already ill... Get him to check before visiting, not for your sake, for his own mother's... (perhaps I'm a tad over caucious as my Grandad died 15 years ago from complications from the flu, having caught it while in hospital already from someone visiting another paitent in the same ward).

ModernToss Thu 07-Mar-13 18:11:30

YABU, and very weedy.

DontmindifIdo Thu 07-Mar-13 18:13:36

Also, it might not be for his mum he wants to go, have you thought going and staying with FIL might be about looking after FIL? He's also an older person who's DW is in hospital, she might be fine, but he might be finding it hard.

lookingfoxy Thu 07-Mar-13 18:16:09

I also used to sleep on the couch to make him a coffee and have a chat when he came in.
Its called being supportive OP.

adeucalione Thu 07-Mar-13 18:17:53

It seems pretty conclusive so far but I just wanted to add my twopenneth - YABU. Surely the correct response to this situation is "don't worry about a thing, look after your parents, we can cope"? Poor DH, guilt-ridden if he stays and guilt-ridden if he leaves.

Jinsei Thu 07-Mar-13 18:19:22

Surely the correct response to this situation is "don't worry about a thing, look after your parents, we can cope"?

^^ This

thegreylady Thu 07-Mar-13 18:21:11

YANBU-a man's first priority is to his wife and family-always.If his mother were desperately ill or in need I would expect a decent person to regard that as top priority. A son is your son till he takes him a wife.....

Growlithe Thu 07-Mar-13 18:22:18

YABU. DH and I have both had to support each other when our parents were ill. We did it because we cared for each others feelings and also we both cared for the poorly parent.

If DD has been crying for her dad, it is up to you to manage her expectations of when she will see him again.

BabyRoger Thu 07-Mar-13 18:22:59


Even if it's not life threatening, they do not usually put people in hospital for days on end for no good reason.

It's shit when you are on your own and not feeling great and one of the kids is ill but it really doesn't mean that your DH should not be there for his mum who is in hospital.

I feel sorry for your DH and MIL.

Dottiespots Thu 07-Mar-13 18:26:48

Your poor husband....he obviously loves his mum and has probably been really worried about her and is going to spend one night away seeing her. I think you really should tell him that its all ok. The kids just have a bug and you can cope with it. Tell him to enjoy his time with his family and not to rush back. You making him feel guilty is really not good for your relationship. You are a grown up and can certainly look after your children by yourself. Millions of other single mums have to with no help from anyone else.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Thu 07-Mar-13 18:34:16

I will give you the benefit of the doubt OP and say you probably posted this feeling grotty and strung out and anticipating a rotten night with poorly DD and all the faff of a school run in the morning.

It is unlucky timing but honestly, give DH a break, he will be home all weekend and able to help out. Meanwhile his mum has been very ill and yes, she is due out soon and your SIL is close by but probably does the lion's share of parent visits all year round as she lives nearer PILs?

If DD2 is unwell tomorrow morning call school and say DD1 can't come in. She's 4 she won't miss anything of vast importance. She may well pass something on anyway so might as well stay home with you and her sister.

hugoagogo Thu 07-Mar-13 18:34:37

This is so horrible.

The op does not deserve this character assasination.

AnyFucker Thu 07-Mar-13 18:35:52

I don't think her husband deserves the "character assassination", frankly

if there was any "assassination" going on, that is

TobyLerone Thu 07-Mar-13 18:42:13

Quite. And I repeat: I think the OP owes her husband an apology.

RattyRoland Thu 07-Mar-13 18:50:51

Yanbu. I hope your dh comes and helps you and your dds feeling better soon!

goldface Thu 07-Mar-13 18:52:40

YABU i'm afraid.

I would want my DH to be able to visit his poorly mum without having to worry or feel guilty and I would see the kids needs, poorly or otherwise, as being my priority.

I know that I could expect the same if the positions were reversed.

AThingInYourLife Thu 07-Mar-13 18:52:57

"For anyone that says the mil doesn't need the dh as she has other family members looking after her what about what the dh wants?"

I said that because I thought he had been down there visiting constantly all week.

I thought if she was on the mend now it woukd be reasonable to come home, go back to work, help poorly wife and regroup for heading back down at the weekend.

If the last time he was down was Monday evening and he's been living life as normal all week, then of course he should go back down tonight.

BaresarkBunny Thu 07-Mar-13 19:01:35

thegreylady Do you have a ds? I always find that saying fucking horrible.

OP yabu.

Maybe the dh doesn't see it as a duty maybe he just, I don't know, cares about his dm?

Dottiespots Thu 07-Mar-13 19:07:21

Well I would definately get on the phone and tell him that you and the kids will be fine. Tell him to stay with his mum and family for as long as it takes. You will look after things at home. He will thank you so much for this and will feel that you are a partner not an extra child for him to have to look after.

pictish Thu 07-Mar-13 19:08:41

THegreyladY I hate that saying. It's a load of old shit.

A son is your son till he takes him a wife.....

Bullshit - absolutely horrible phrase. I'd hate my DH to think that about his mother.

AnyFucker Thu 07-Mar-13 19:17:59

I love my MIL with all my heart. I would want my DH to support her in any way he could

if he didn't, he wouldn't be the man I thought he was

I don't wonder this bloke spoke sharply to OP when she whinged about a virus or summat, and having to do the school run < horrors!>

a grip needs getting here

bassetfeet Thu 07-Mar-13 19:20:47

I just dont get it truly .
I am mother in law and past daughter in law . Try so hard to understand this post and others actually .
Family with all its arggh times is just that [unless you have abuse issues x] .
We all muddle about and support each other if we can . Dont we ?

One day ......this ill woman will be you one day and longing to see her son or daughter and feeling guilty for asking . Hope your daughter in law is kinder when the time comes .

redskyatnight Thu 07-Mar-13 19:24:01

I don't think anyone's yet pointed out that as well as visiting his mum, DH might well want to spend time with his sister and dad.

My mum was in hospital last year. It knocked my (normally very capable) father for 6. He appreciated my being around as much (or maybe more) than my mother did.

And to pick up on a sarcastic comment made earlier, if DH doesn't visit - his sister will certainly feel that she has to do the bulk of the work.

mumandboys123 Thu 07-Mar-13 19:24:57

more to the point, would you want to be with a man who didn't give due consideration to supporting and comforting what is clearly a very sick mum?

YABU, in my opinion. You only get one set of parents. I lost my dad 4 years ago. I wasn't with him when he died because my so-called husband had just walked out and was playing silly what-nots with the children and trying to tell the courts that I had left them with him because I didn't want them (my parents live nearly 300 miles away) so I had no choice but to leave children of school age with him as I had no idea how long I would be - he was dying, that much we knew, but had no idea of timescales. How he sleeps at night I'll never know but needless to say, situations such at that make things very clear (for me at least) - being there for your sick parents is important because you have no idea if it's the last time you will see them. You are young and presumably generally healthy. He can expect to see you again. He can't say the same of his mum, regardless of whether she is apparently improving.

Cakecrumbsinmybra Thu 07-Mar-13 19:25:19

It's rubbish being ill, but if it's just a virus then OP YABU, sorry. Hopefully you and your DD will be feeling lots better in the morning. I dare say your DH will be home reasonably early tomorrow. Sorry to be presumptuous, but would he not be at work anyway on a Friday? I am sure you can manage overnight.

What exactly is wrong with his MIL?

Ihatemytoes Thu 07-Mar-13 19:25:47

YABU, but you probably know that by now. Your DH is probably stressed worrying about his mum, then you go and pile even more pressure on.

Cakecrumbsinmybra Thu 07-Mar-13 19:27:13

And I really don't like your thread title - its really over dramatic and unnecessary.

INeverSaidThat Thu 07-Mar-13 19:28:03

Based on what you have said I think YABU.

I would not have asked (and haven't asked my DH to look after me and the kids in similar circumstances)

I am sure DD2 would have been wrapped up in the rain, possibly you even had her in a pushchair? Are you sure you can't manage on your own?

I bet your DH feels really awful now. Do you not have anyone else who can help you?

I hope you all feel better soon. thanks

FannyFifer Thu 07-Mar-13 19:31:33

I would prob tell him not to bother coming back from his dads.

Of course he should come home.

TobyLerone Thu 07-Mar-13 19:33:49

Overreaction much, Fanny? shock

Cakecrumbsinmybra Thu 07-Mar-13 19:35:32

Really fanny, you'd tell your DH not to bother coming home because he was spending time with his sick mother in hospital? Jeez, what a lovely relationship you must have!

Cakecrumbsinmybra Thu 07-Mar-13 19:36:03

Can't believe we have a LTB on this thread!

AnyFucker Thu 07-Mar-13 19:36:53

perhaps Fanny is being ironic ?

I can understand you're feeling yucky, and it's horrible when you or the children are ill but to be honest if it was me, I'd suck it up and get on with it. I'd tell DH to be there for his Mum as much as he wants and struggle on. He's close to his Mum and worries about her health a lot, so if she was in hospital I'd expect him to be there....the only time I'd put my foot down was if either me or DD was in hospital and needed him. Dealing with ill kids when you're feeling shit is a struggle....but it's doable.

TheNebulousBoojum Thu 07-Mar-13 19:37:41

Quote the whole saying, TheGreyLady

'a son is a son till he takes him a wife a daughter is a daughter all of her life'

So a daughter's responsibility is to her parents, over her partner and any children they have? That's the sexist guilt trap that's been used to blackmail women for years.

Cakecrumbsinmybra Thu 07-Mar-13 19:41:52

That's very interesting boojum, I hadn't heard the whole saying.

Sorry totally off topic, but boojum - I love your it a Lewis Carroll reference? grin

SneakyNinja Thu 07-Mar-13 19:46:43

It's not about who gets priority, it's about which need gets priority. I completely understand how fed up you must be dealing with a sick DC alone but in this instance, DH needs to be giving his time to his Mum in hospital.

Delayingtactic Thu 07-Mar-13 19:57:55

Ok OP I hope you get why people are saying YABU. It's crappy being at home with sick DC when you're sick yourself but its just everyday illness. If your DH was stopping out to see his parents because his mom had a cold then I'd agree that he should come home. And trust me when I say that hospitals will discharge patients when they're not 100% better for lots of reasons (one being that people, especially the elderly, do recuperate better in their own home). So while she might be nearing fit for discharge, she may not be 'healthy' yet. And also a lot can happen to elderly sick patients in hospital over a week.

Have a whinge to a RL friend, talk to your DH and let him be with mom.

firesidechat Thu 07-Mar-13 20:01:41

Op - as your parents get older you start to realise that they really won't be around forever and that time is precious. If one of my parents were hospitalised that would be my priority.

A husband who cares about his mum at a time like this has got to be a good thing surely?

FannyFifer Thu 07-Mar-13 20:12:51

But visiting time ends at what 8pm, can then drive home & help out during the night & morning if needed.

Can do both, no need to choose.

NotTreadingGrapes Thu 07-Mar-13 20:13:56

I've thought about this some more while doing bedtime....I hate my MIL. She is a vile vile woman about whom I have ranted many times in my previous MN incarnations. I will (in my head) dance on her grave when the time comes because her children, including my dp, will finally be free of her.

And I would still 100% insist that dp go to be with her and stay with her, were she to be in hospital.

FannyFifer Thu 07-Mar-13 20:14:12

Was joking about LTB, i just going by what DP would do in same circumstance.

NotTreadingGrapes Thu 07-Mar-13 20:14:30

Fanny, the hospital is 2 hrs away apparently.

Pantah630 Thu 07-Mar-13 20:16:15

It seems pretty conclusive so far but I just wanted to add my twopenneth - YABU. Surely the correct response to this situation is "don't worry about a thing, look after your parents, we can cope"? Poor DH, guilt-ridden if he stays and guilt-ridden if he leaves.

This^^ YABVU and selfish, get a grip.

I wish your MiL and DD a speedy recovery.

Pantah630 Thu 07-Mar-13 20:19:08

And OP, imagine the boot on the other foot. I imagine you'd be whining that your DH couldn't cope with 2 DC while you visited your Mum and we'd all be agreeing with you saying your DH was being unreasonable and a prat.

JamieandtheMagicTorch Thu 07-Mar-13 20:29:35

To me, this is all about context. If the OP generally feels that her DH puts himself out for her and the children, then she'd be unreasonable about the present situation.

If, however, she feels her DH doesn't pull his weight, listen or put himself out for her and the DC s then I can see she might be a bit unhappy at the moment

DumSpiroSpero Thu 07-Mar-13 20:38:34

I'm with NotTreadingGrapes 100%.

I cannot stand my MIL but if she were ill enough to warrant a three week hospital stay, I would expect DH to prioritise her over me and/or DD having a nasty cold.

And if the situation were reversed & he started stropping abour me going to spend time with poorly parents, I'd tell him in no uncertain terms exactly where to get off.

Keep DD1 at home tomorrow if you have a rough night, a day of being sofa bound with lots of cuddles & Disney DVD's is not going to hurt anyone.

bangwhizz Thu 07-Mar-13 20:40:31

Just keep your 4 yo off school and all snuggle up on the sofa watching telly for a day or 2

LaQueen Thu 07-Mar-13 20:44:34

I don't have much time for my MIL - but I do love my DH very much, and I would never want to make him feel even more stressed, and even more guilty - at a time when his Mum was (obviously) ill enough to be hospitalised...and all just because I was feeling a bit rough, and one of our DDs wasn't well, either.

I'd like to think I was a bigger person than that.

GreenEggsAndNichts Thu 07-Mar-13 21:04:41

Title of this made me feel as if I had to come and post, because I was expecting the usual MIL bashing thread. Thankfully, it doesn't seem to be the case.

Same as LaQueen: MIL isn't my favourite person, neither is she my least favourite, but she's still DH's mum. I could muddle through a few days in the OP's situation without him if he needed/wanted to visit his mum in hospital.

KitchenandJumble Thu 07-Mar-13 21:07:40

YABU. It really isn't a contest about who is the priority. In this instance, your DH made the decision to be with his ill hospitalised mother. That is perfectly understandable. But it certainly doesn't mean that your DH doesn't care about your children. I'm sure he cares about them very much. He's right that time is finite and he has to divide his time among all the members of his family. But (and I can't think of a way to say this without sounding sickeningly sentimental) love is infinite. He can love his children with all his heart and still love his mother too.

I do understand that taking care of a little one with a virus can be draining. But do try to be understanding about your DH's feelings too. Even if your MIL's illness isn't life threatening, your DH is probably quite worried about her. If he wants to be with her, he should be with her.

Kiwiinkits Thu 07-Mar-13 21:08:15

YABU. And wet.

firesidechat Thu 07-Mar-13 21:08:25

This has to be the first thread where I genuinely don't understand the few posters who have said YANBU.

I'm also one of those people with a somewhat "complicated" relationship with her mil and I would still be encouraging my husband to spend time with his sick mum. Apart from anything else, his dad might be very thankful of the extra support.

I've always thought that we didn't have a particularly close wider family but, after reading this, I've revised that view somewhat.

I think you need to man up too OP.

lemonstartree Thu 07-Mar-13 21:20:14

to be fair OP, I also think YABU. DD has a viral illness. you are not in hospital and nor is she. His mum IS...

get a grip

alistron1 Thu 07-Mar-13 21:55:25

YABU. This is life. My MIL was ill on and off for the last 10 years of her life. This involved occasional hospital stays. You don't just 'visit' your parents in hospital, they will need clean clothes, they will need reassuring, they might need help with navigating life on a busy hospital ward. Your FIL might be worried or exhausted, ditto your SIL.

This is your husbands MUM. She's in hospital, it might not be life and death but she's obviously been pretty ill.

I've been in the position of keeping family life going whilst DP 'visited' his mum - it's hard but it's just what you have to do.

redplasticspoon Thu 07-Mar-13 22:00:50

FWIW I think people are being unnecessarily harsh to the op. She has said that she is struggling at home. It is a difficult situation all round. Are there any friends or family who can help you? Could you get paid help for a short time?

JamieandtheMagicTorch Thu 07-Mar-13 22:04:03


Me too, for months on end. Which is why i know sometimes you don't have lovely neat generous emotions ( and my MIL died) . What you do about them is another matter, mind you.

I also agree that calling the OP precious wet etc ( any name calling, actually ) isn't very helpful.

BoringTheBuilder Thu 07-Mar-13 22:06:49

There's a old saying in my country:
If you want to know how your future spouse will treat you...Observe how they treat their parents....

Enough said

Fakebook Thu 07-Mar-13 22:10:24

Redplastic, her DH went to meet his mum on Monday and has been home the rest of the week. Why would she be struggling? She's better now too. She's just being selfish. I think her DH is a really good man for getting his priorities right this time. If only all men were like this <stares at pic of bro on the shelf, placed there by DF, NOT ME angry)

aldiwhore Thu 07-Mar-13 22:20:15

Well I must be U because when my Mum was ill in hospital and not dying I dropped everything, left DH in charge of a one year old and a 5 year old poorly child and travelled to the other end of the country until my Mum got the nod from the consultant that she was well on the way to being better and would be discharged soon... I left within 2 hours of the phone call, and didn't give an exact idea of when I'd return.

I don't even like my Mum that much as a person, but she's my MUM, and DH can cope... even if it wasn't nice for him, he was capable of having a crap time with a poorly child and a baby.

For that I have to say YABU.

Likewise, when DH's Mum was ill (though dying to be fair) I accpeted DH wouldn't be around for a few days (we didn't actually know she was dying at the time, that little nugget of information had been kept from us) even though I'd just had a baby (like the previous day, and it was our first).

I understand the struggle, I understand feeling frustrated that life chucks this shit at you, I understand how horrible it is to have poorly children... I cannot tie that up with you being reasonable however.

Sometimes you just have to ride the crisis.

Andro Thu 07-Mar-13 22:28:33

Haven't looked at the whole thread; if OP or her DD is infectious, how sensible is it of him to be visiting someone who is already recovering from illness? I'm not sure hospitals like those who have been exposed to infections visiting, if he hasn't checked with the nurses then he is BVU...and potentially endangering others.

HeathRobinson Fri 08-Mar-13 09:10:10

Well, I take my YANBU back. When I read the op, I thought op's dh had been with his mum all week and that op could do with some support at home.

Sorry for misreading.

NotTreadingGrapes Fri 08-Mar-13 09:12:00

Well? What happened? Did he come home?

Flobbadobs Fri 08-Mar-13 10:22:04

I think the OP needs to realise that her DH and his sister are probably looking after their Dad too, and the SIL probably has a family to deal with. I would assume that it would be an 'all hands on deck' situation.
Greg Davies talked about the effect his Mother's hospitalisation had on his Dad in his 'one night stand' gig, the fact that he went to pieces and their roles were effectivley reversed for a while. Maybe the OP's FIL needs extra support too, it's not like they are all galavanting around the local pubs is it?
And yes I know I'm late to the thread and the OP has scarpered...

LaQueen Fri 08-Mar-13 13:44:06

Same as aldi my Mum was hospitalised, awaiting diagnosis, for 6 days last year.

She wasn't dying but she was worried sick, very stressed, and she needed me there as emotional support.

I was with her every day, leaving DH to sort out the DDs/homework/food/school run/after school clubs...everything, really. He did it all without demure (despite having a really nasty work deadline looming) because he loves me, and could see how worried/drained I was in supporting my Mum.

My friend arrived for the weekend for a long planned visit, and was fantastic too, calmly cooked some lovely meals, and got my DDs bathed and ready for a visit to their GPs, while I was at the hospital.

LaQueen Fri 08-Mar-13 13:46:11

Also...those 6 days of total support I gave to my Mum...? Just a drop in the ocean to the endless support she has given me. I recognised that. And, my DH recognised that, too.

bangwhizz Fri 08-Mar-13 14:42:19

Op you will be the frail old lady in hospital one day, wouldn't you want your children to be there for you?
Furthermore one day your DD will be that lady too.How would you feel about her being frightened, sick and lonely

LittleChickpea Fri 08-Mar-13 23:20:53

OP, I see where you are coming from but on this occasion I think YABU. It's a defficult situation for you I totally understand but his mum is in hospital. I would do the same for my mum.

Yabu in this situation i'm afraid.
Put yourself in his shoes for a moment, if this was your mum you would want to be there for her. Your dc will get over their bug, but mil is hospitalized, that's a lot worse on the scale of things. Support him

ladymariner Sat 09-Mar-13 08:58:52

Op, YABU........

Op? Op? Oh she seems to have vanished.....hmm

seriouscakeeater Sat 09-Mar-13 09:31:17

Sometimes I despair at the down right bullying in here. Its like girls ganging up in the play ground. Clearly the Op felt like shite and wanted a bit of support - which is understandable. She allready stated That her MIL was on the mend.

There is one thing having any opinion then there is being just nasty. Clearly for those nasty cows on here you are all super women/saints.

OP if your still around hope you and kiddies are feeling better thanks

crashdoll Sat 09-Mar-13 09:57:32

Oh FSS, when the whole of MN says YABU are we accused of bullying? There were a couple of OTT posts but the majority politely gave OP a reality check. This is AIBU and if you can't stand the heat, get out of the kitchen. Post on one of the MANY other boards for support and you will find the most wonderful, amazing posters on there.

LaQueen Sat 09-Mar-13 10:01:15

"Clearly for those nasty cows on here you are all super women/saints."

serious - I think you'll find the majoirty of women on here, are just that. We're grown, adult women - who don't mince words, and give a direct Reality Check, for women who clearly need it.


blackeyedsusan Sat 09-Mar-13 10:09:19

I think wife aand child should come first, if all things are equal. hoever, it depends how ill you are and how ill dd is and how ill mil is... < removes splinters from arse>

the automatic assumption that his mum comes first is unreasonble, but he may be very worried and give a different response at another time.

seriouscakeeater Sat 09-Mar-13 10:22:09

laqueen there is a fine line between being honest and and damn right rude and nasty.
Your last post even has an aggressive tone maybe you need to chill out abit. I thought MN was about intelligent women giving support and advice to other like minded women. But clearly you have the cape crusader of the reality checks hmm

TheNebulousBoojum Sat 09-Mar-13 10:24:30

The problem with asking intelligent, experienced women for support and advice is quite often they tell you the truth.

seriouscakeeater Sat 09-Mar-13 10:36:00

Its just the truth of the poster though, how they feel. Not evey one feels like that. Ive seen some fantastic supportive threads where posters have give great advice then go on to another thread and same posters are tearing shreads of poor OP's. The OP dosnt come back on (proberly crying in a corner somewhere) and posters are actually waiting for her to come back on so they can start again! Sorry thats not an intelligent experienced adult woman to me.

If the OP is right or wrong i dont think it need a vocal head kicking to drive the point home.

seeker Sat 09-Mar-13 11:03:48

That's inclined to happen if you post on AIBU. If you are being, people tell you.

LittleChickpea Sat 09-Mar-13 11:04:45

From what Ican see the OP asked a question starting with AIBU and explaining the background. The responses have answered the question. Are we expected to massage each others pride just because we are women. Sometimes it's better to be honest rather than saying something just to make someone feel better. You don't need to be mean when doing it but I think honesty is the best policy.

Asking a question on AIBU comes with the risk you may not like the responses you get.

RoseandVioletCreams Sat 09-Mar-13 11:04:55


*It's just occurred to me that this is a MN thread mostly supporting a DH AND A MIL!
shock shock shock shock shock shock

It should be in classics as a rare and exotic example*

Just goes to show credit where credit is due...not a bunch of MIL bashers at all.


RoseandVioletCreams Sat 09-Mar-13 11:10:30

unfortunalty op - and it grieves me to say this but YABU, purely because with the elderly you just dont know which way it will go, I do know of people taken in with something and not serious but never made it out.

However - what I dont like is the sentance " i have to divide my time equally between you"!!!!

THAT would definalty get my heckles up as this is exceptional circumstances so he has to be there to support his family; not in general.

IneedAsockamnesty Sat 09-Mar-13 11:44:52


If a bloke posted this about his wife I would think he was being a drama larma man child.

And its the exact opersit of supportive to pander to someone when they are being outrageously unreasonable.

But your dh really does need to consider the possibility of giving his mum the virus your dd has.

crashdoll Sat 09-Mar-13 11:49:27

If you're prone to crying in the corner, don't post on AIBU!!

LaQueen Sat 09-Mar-13 12:04:35

serious I was just being direct, and honest to the OP. I fail to see anything aggressive, in my posts? I don't do aggressive, as a rule.

This is AIBU...if you don't want direct honestly, then don't post here.

JamieandtheMagicTorch Sat 09-Mar-13 12:36:31


I don't really agree with you last post. We have no idea of the mental state of posters on here. What you call "crying in the corner" could be someone at the end of their tether, or depressed. I think a bit of sensitivity is needed, AIBU or not.

That's a more general statement about AIBU.

I think the OP probably is being unreasonable, but emotions sometimes aren't. Being able to rant, get them out (emotions) and get objective points of view can be really useful, but it can be damaging to be called names.

Again, general opinion about AIBU

RaspberryRuffle Sat 09-Mar-13 12:43:07

Your DH's mother is in hospital, you and your DH are supposed to be a team, he is probably stressed and upset to see his mum ill in hospital, his father and sister probably feel the same way. I would give him a by-ball for any tone he used on the phone.
Yes it must be hard for you this week but objectively I think it is harder for him, don't make it any worse.
You say his mum is hardly life or death yet then mention DD" being dragged out in the are trying to brush off the seriousness of her condition and exaggerate that of DD2.

The fact is he can prioritise his mum this week as he's got you, I think that's what the 'for better for worse' is about. Go easy on him, like someone else said he can't win. Could he skype you and the children?

Jamdoughnutfiend Sat 09-Mar-13 12:58:39

YABU - My brother has been seriously ill and I am running round after him at the moment helping him and his girlfriend. My DH has been really understanding and if he has responded as you had I would have been so disappointed in him and that is 'just' my brother never mind my Mum.

crashdoll Sat 09-Mar-13 14:38:47


Fair point. When people often post very emotive topics in here and get upset when they get a grilling, I do wonder why they posted in here in the first place. The again, I suppose you can never tell the responses and I have seen OPs getting picked on and picked apart. I only said "crying in the corner" as a response to another poster's comments. I'd hate to think I purposely hurt another person by being a bitch but I don't think anyone needs to apologise for being honest. The truth hurts. I've posted topics in here before and wished I hadn't. You live and learn.

LaQueen Sat 09-Mar-13 15:06:21

*Raspberry^ I agree with you. I very much see DH and I, as a kinda tag-team...sometimes one of us takes priority, sometimes the other. Sometimes one of us can be selfish, sometimes the other.

But, essentially we do try and help each other, and recognise when the other needs to perhaps take a bit more, so we need to give a bit more. And vice versa...

And, yes, I also agree that the OP is determined to brush off her MIL's illness - which is serious enough to warrant a stay in hospital FFS, with a casual 'She's on the mend'.

But, in contrast the OP is layering on the guilt/drama with her 'Poor DD, is having to be dragged out into the cold, to do the school run'

What? A whole 15 minutes, doing the school run? Presumably, wearing a nice, warm coat, or travelling in a car? Not like her DD is being sent down the pit, is it?

bassetfeet Sat 09-Mar-13 16:41:10

One day hopefully, all here will be mothers in law to sons or daughters. Getting older and needing some assistance as years advance .

It is hard to empathise with something we have not experienced . My aged mum is 90 and I try to understand when she gets bickery about my lack of "visiting "
I go every week and often call in midweek also.Get narked at her whinging .
But I dont know how it feels to be that old do I ? But I muddle along and do what I know is right for her in her old age .

One day YOU are going to be the elderly lady in hospital and so wanting to see her son/daughter .
Please just project how you may feel one day . And dont make your partner feel bad about it if you can .

I do remember being young mother and this happening to us . I wish I could revisit my younger self .

Osmiornica Sat 09-Mar-13 16:49:05

It depends on how ill you are. If you would have had to ask your husband to take a day off work then fair enough, he should be looking after you. if, however, you're not that bad and can cope then yabu and should accept that he'd like to visit his mother instead.

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