To struggle with this lady

(60 Posts)
BornFreeButinChains Tue 05-Mar-13 14:51:12

I know I am BU and I can imagine all the " Perhaps she senses you dont like her comments" but if anyone has dealt with this kind of thing and can give me tips I would appreciate it. I Have name changed for this. I am from a rural "ish" village have 2 older dc's 5 and 9 and a five month baby.

With the older two for various reasons I was isolated after thier births, had not joined any groups and really struggled to make friends, I made some wonderful friends eventually through toddler groups and they moved! I do have more of a network now they are older and at school but I had to fight and stuggle to get where I am .

With this baby I was determined to try and get things going from the start. I joined my local NCT group and felt like a new world opened up to me, and considering we have been randomly thrown together by virtue of all having DC at same time, I am so happy that all of them are really nice. We have been meeting up roughly once a week.

However there is one lady who I am really struggling with and its making me feel childish and moody. I am fighting these feelings and doing my best by putting a smile on my face but its hard. The other day she invited another lady from our group out right in front of me, to go on elsewhere and ignored me! So I cleary think she has a problem with me too. She is very strong willed and I get the impression she is chatting to others in the group but not me.

She is new to the area and is utterly desperate to make friends, and I sense that she is pushing me out.

I can't say too much incase she is on here but I am trying to work out why I am taking this too personally and why I can't ignore how she irritates me and rise above it but I find it akward and difficult to talk when she is around, she will often cut you off mid sentance and talk about herself, she does this alot.
We have polar opposite parenting styles, her being v GF. She is very buzy - go go go go go - her mannerisms and movements tire me out just looking at her, which sounds so bitchy of me.

However she has also made digs at me, as far as I am aware I have not made any to her. I get the impression she doesn't like me speaking and cuts me off, or makes it akward somehow to join in. I am terrified of being isolated again, its a small community here and I want to have more luck third time lucky as I feel I missed out alot not getting in at the grass roots with the other two and I want my baby boy to have friends too pre school. All the friendships are still quite new so we are not that relaxed with each other yet. I feel I am struggling then appear to come across as moody or odd to the others.

When we all see each other I try to be as nice as possible, smile, ignore it if she makes a dig ( which is hard as I am quite feisty), and chat to her like I chat to the others.

I get the feeling that she took against me from the off , I don't know how to be in the group now because I also feel insecure.

BornFreeButinChains Tue 05-Mar-13 14:51:38

oh my goodness this is so long, I am very sorry.

WileyRoadRunner Tue 05-Mar-13 15:00:51

It sounds like a clash of personalities. I would try to grin and bear it in group situations, you can be friends with the others independently. You don't have to be great friends with this lady.

What you don't want to do is flounce off out of the group, or get into a "this own ain't big enough for the two of us" stand off or you will look like a drama queen.

It does sound awkward but I can't help but think it sounds a bit childish. Sorry. I just think it's part of being an adult dealing with these sort of situations. You will be isolated if you carry on being so insecure. I think you need to work on some self esteem issues and accept that you can't always get on with everyone.

Snoopingforsoup Tue 05-Mar-13 15:07:52

She sounds an utter dragon! But you need to be the person you are and not worry about her. Carry on as normal. Your friends will realise what she's like and if she's cutting you off, how rude she can be sooner or later. People will like you for who you are, don't worry about the strong personalities. I've worried in situations as this and have come to realise it just doesn't matter. The good souls remain the good souls. We all feel we should be part of one great coffee morning yet in reality, it's nothing like that.

BornFreeButinChains Tue 05-Mar-13 15:09:33

I feel childish wiley.
I just find her so dominering its hard to be myself round her.
I can accept that we don't get on, but how to be myself round her.
If for instance it turns out she has been out for coffee without me with everyone else individually in the group bar me, how do I respond to that.

Sometimes I wish I could take a break from myself!

TheSecondComing Tue 05-Mar-13 15:13:17

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WilsonFrickett Tue 05-Mar-13 15:19:26

You need to get this into perspective. She doesn't like you. That's fine. You don't like her much, do you? Her going out for coffee individually - that's fine too. The group isn't excluding you, at all. They're just saying 'yes' when someone else from the group asks them out for coffee.

If you start to build this up in your head it will become obvious to everyone else. Don't let it, please. You are in with a nice group, apart from one person. It's fine.

DontmindifIdo Tue 05-Mar-13 15:21:18

I think it would help to strength friendships away from the main group, so if there's one or two of the other mums you do get on with, invite them separately for a play date or to come feed the ducks with you etc. That way you're not inviting everyone, but get to chat to them solo and build your friendships. If you feel akward chatting to them as you're just getting to know each other, ask them questions, get them talking, if she cuts you off, she probably makes them feel the same (if possibly not to the same degree as you). Avoid slagging her off though.

When you are then all together doing big group meet ups, when she's trying to push you out of conversations, you will already have built up relationships and will know the others better.

Try to go to any baby and toddler groups now, not waiting until your baby is older and will get more out of it, see if you can go now to something each day and meet more people without this woman being around.

Here's hoping she goes back to work full time once her DC hits 1... wink

KindleMum Tue 05-Mar-13 15:22:57

I don't see why you'd expect her to ask you out for coffee, given that you've said yourself that your styles are "polar opposites". You're pretty clear that she's not your kind of person so presumably she thinks the same about you. Just be civil in the group and focus on making friends with people you do have something in common with.

As wiley says, definitely no flouncing or trying to make people choose between you. It won't reflect well on you.

MiaowTheCat Tue 05-Mar-13 15:29:54

You sound like you think as little of her as she does of you. You can either deal with it sensibly, or you can resort to primary-school-think of "she's taken my friend off to play hopscotch and it was MY friend not hers"... personally I'd be working out a way to either coexist, or starting to branch out away from the whole "must have the entire NCT group out for the coffee every single week" mentality that's NEVER going to work long term really - things are going to fragment into smaller groups doing things together under a looser whole-group umbrella.

But if you're sitting there bristling as she's making arrangements to go somewhere with one or two other people - you're not going to make yourself a very enticing proposition to want to hang out with are you?

DeepRedBetty Tue 05-Mar-13 15:42:55

Our original group of about 12 or 15 mummies quite comfortably slimmed down to three or four groups of about 3 to 5 as we got to know each other better. Luckily there was no one particular other mummy that I couldn't stand, it was more that four others and I seemed to hit it off better than others. We were the 'dirt is good' lot, whereas a lot of the others seemed to be manicly sterilising everything in sight. I know some of the others built closer friendships amongst themselves after we drifted away in our dog-hair covered, muddy puddley way. Small town, and we all still kept running into each other in the only supermarket. I don't think anyone was deliberately left out.

Sorry all a bit waffley but trying to say these changes in the dynamic happen, and it's better to flow with it than try and force change, or force things back the way they were. This lady sounds like she's got a nasty case of queen bee syndrome, and I very much doubt you're the only person who's noticed. Ask people you like to go for coffee/picnic whatever, and leave her to play her own mindgames.

ChairmanWow Tue 05-Mar-13 16:02:54

There was another similar thread recently. I'll see if I can find it and link. But the main thrust was that loads of women had similar experiences. It's a funny mix of being artificially thrust together with a group of people you might not ordinarily get to know then dealing with the stress and sleep deprivation of a baby.

I had a bit of a weird single white female type in my group. Thankfully I wasn't the one she fixated on, but she would be frequently referring to their side meetings. It was irritating. But I also found a load of other groups to go to and two years on my circle of mummy friends includes 2 NCT mums plus people from swimming, buggy fit, rhythm and rhyme and a couple of baby groups. We've set up a Facebook page and still arrange stuff regularly.

My advice is don't put your eggs in one basket. It can get very claustrophobic!

MrsLion Tue 05-Mar-13 16:06:00

I had my 3 dc in a new town where I didn't know a single soul and I know how hard it is to feel isolated.
Sorry you had to go through that op.

I do agree with the others and think you need to relax a bit. It's ok if the others meet for coffee without you.
It's also ok (and perfectly normal) to have a clash of personality with some people. It's how you deal with it that matters.

I think you should accept she's going to be on the scene (she doesn't sound like my kind of person at all either btw) and just be pleasant and polite to her, but only make the extra effort with those you really get on with. Like someone else said, there's nothing stopping you inviting other friends out for coffee.

Likeminded people always gravitate towards each other - have faith in yourself that you have good qualities!

Please don't get offended by this but you do need to work on your self-esteem, don't get needy or possessive over your friends or you will frighten them off.

Grinkly Tue 05-Mar-13 16:28:21

I think we take against people who have the same traits as ourselves which we don't actually like (but often suppress rather than face them) so maybe she too is trying to make friends but fears that she might not be too successful.

Why don't you try to get into a position so you can casually invite her round for a coffee because you are keen to hear about her take on childrearing grin, you feel you need to get a grip and are too soft (or whatever, just some believable excuse to invite her round) .

You might end up with her as your best buddy and wish you could get rid of her but maybe that is better than feeling she is your enemy.

LynetteScavo Tue 05-Mar-13 16:32:53

So why aren't you inviting people individually around to your house for coffee?

(Don't bother inviting her though!)

BornFreeButinChains Tue 05-Mar-13 16:34:49

Thank you so much for the kind and helpful replies.

My confidence has just been shattered, I used to be good fun and make friends easily pre DC and DH. Then a few things happened and being isolated as well, I became extremley disconected and down I suppose - out of the loop. I have been trying to get back to being a more fun person which is who I feel I am, so I am trying to look at myself as others would see me and making an effort to keep the conversation light and jolly.

TheSecondComing - Yes I know I don't own people, and they can all go out without me. But this make me " feel" akward, I cannot help it. So its trying to deal with that akwardness and be OK about it.

I am stupidly sensitve and emotional, its ridiculous.

I am not going to make a fuss at all, what I would naturally do is just quietly withdraw and I don't want too because I like the other ladies.

Many thanks, I feel alot better now. Good ideas about doing other stuff too.
( Altough I did go to a baby swimming class and everyone seemed to be part of an NCT group and had all joined together, it was hard to chat to them).

Love MN x

BornFreeButinChains Tue 05-Mar-13 16:42:41


I did invite a lady round who lives near ish me, she declined, I casually asked about three times over the months. Then I found out she had been out with this other lady.

Everything between us all has been quite light thus far so I really can't think this other lady does not like me either, she seems far more softer and relaxed. This is why I was worrying that perhaps this other lady whom I dislike had something to do with it.

Grinkly, I laughed at your suggestion! My older two are older than her first, I have cringed with the way she talks to her boys - nothing too bad but she is a very cut and dried person and is easily irritated, she needs to be always doing.

May I say though she is a nice lady - she isn't nasty, she is very perky and upbeat ( like she is on speed). I get the impression she is very impressed with some of the credentials of other ladies in our group but just not me! I am just not in her eyes a go getter that she wants to be friends with.

Grinkly Tue 05-Mar-13 16:45:40

These queries come up all the time on mn.

I think if you rely on other people to make you happy and cheerful it is a big ask. We need to be happier in ourselves first, have no magic wand but try to think what you want to do that would make you fulfilled and enjoy (other than v demanding babies grin ).

This might just be a change of thinking to learn to appreciate and enjoy what you already have. And if you have something to take to the new friendship then making friends should be easier.

The same applies to relationships with DH/DP - wanting them to fill some emptiness in your life and make you happy is a big ask.

Not that I have mastered this myself but am working on it grin .

Grinkly Tue 05-Mar-13 16:49:32

I get the impression she is very impressed with some of the credentials of other ladies in our group but just not me! I am just not in her eyes a go getter that she wants to be friends with

Yes, I think this is human nature, you want the attractive, go getting people you admire to be your friends so that you can be part of that group (proving that you are one of the 'chosen few' yourself).

But truly, nice friends can be anyone, in fact the go getters probably have less time for real friendship.

lookingfoxy Tue 05-Mar-13 16:49:32

You really seem to be building this up too much.
I would suggest that you ask this woman out/round for a coffee as people often seem less threatening once you get to know them even a little bit.

digerd Tue 05-Mar-13 16:57:41

Strange how domineering, full of their own importance type of people are given so much respect? I don't like them. But then I am older and have no small children - so I sit with people I like.

Some people just have to be the most popular < on face value> and others are more for 1 on 1 genuine friendship .
Don't let this woman upset/annoy you - she's not worth it.

BornFreeButinChains Tue 05-Mar-13 19:00:16

Hi Foxey,

I have been alone with her a few times and I think I irritate her. Once or twice I thought we had, " broken thru" as it were but no joy. When she is next to me I feel her looking at me strangely up and down.

Digerd, the thing is - she is quite forceful and people do tend to fall in with the group sometimes. So this lady could re arrange us all round her schedule and they would be fine but I would be thinking - but what about x y and z...

I need to relax alot more.

It seems stupid but I sort of always have antennae on how people are behaving...I have a few freinds that are like this - most people are not aware/ or not affected. I am also trying to be like this.

cumfy Tue 05-Mar-13 23:33:57

She sounds quite insecure and manipulative.

Anyone who feels the need to deliberately interrupt others mid-sentence is a few teaspoons short.

The silver lining is that it's a rather handy test; people who genuinely like her probably aren't worth knowing either.

gimmecakeandcandy Tue 05-Mar-13 23:42:18

Why are you letting yourself be bothered by her? The best thing you could do is be breezy and totally unbothered around her! I bet she loves that you are bothered as I bet it shows. Don't let it show!

silverstaresatnight Tue 05-Mar-13 23:44:37

Born free, are you INFJ?
I am and can relate and it can be quite exhausting.
Fwiw , if you are, I don't think you will be ale to relax and forget about this lady's influence . Just accept you don't like er and that you find her irritating there is t much else you can do.

cumfy Tue 05-Mar-13 23:50:40

I think the thing is if you genuinely "diagnose" what is going on -- her desperately trying to get in with the "in-crowd", divide and conquer, demonstrate she is more cool/likeable than you; then you will quite likely feel rather sorry for her and her insecure feelings.

You won't need to appear unbothered and breezy, you can just be yourself.

blackeyedsusan Tue 05-Mar-13 23:56:31

the ones who go out with this lady are more likely to be like her type and less like your type. try to find people with similarr outlooks to parenting/life. it is more likely that you will get on. i oculd not get on well with a gf type. I am just not organised enough.. grin different pesonalities and all that.

rainrainandmorerain Wed 06-Mar-13 00:27:31

i think you are overthinking this (and sounding just a little bit obsessed, sorry! when she is next to you, you can 'feel' her looking you up and down strangely? really?)

Relax, if you meet people you like, ask them for a coffee but keep it light (don't get upset or feel snubbed if they don't come, people have ALL sorts of reasons for not coming - it doesn't have to be personal dislike). I wouldn't focus too much on the need for lasting friendship and support when you first meet people. It puts too much pressure on things. Keep it casual.

And don't get too over focused on one woman. Maybe she isn't comfortable around you (like you aren't comfortable around her). So what? You're an adult, steer clear of all this 'Heathers' style 'Queen Bee' analysis. It won't get you anywhere, you'll just brood and come over as tense or worse!

BornFreeButinChains Wed 06-Mar-13 08:03:29


What is INFJ?

DIYapprentice Wed 06-Mar-13 08:14:39

Sometimes, sadly, if you don't get along with a forceful member of a group you may never feel happy and comfortable there. You've said you asked one lady out and she declined, how about some of the others?

I agree with others, get yourself to some of the local baby groups. There are a few that cater for under 1s, etc. Try getting to some of those and meeting some of the mums there. While you've got a really little one that's not getting into mischief it's actually a lot easier to get to know some of the mums. Not all NCT groups gel. My NCT group all got along well enough, but we just didn't really connect as friends, and it was difficult to make a time for us all to catch up so it just fizzled out.

BornFreeButinChains Wed 06-Mar-13 08:20:56

I can take people not liking me, I have worked along side people etc and come up agaisnt people that don't like me, thats fine in my book, sometimes I have actually still liked them, sometimes not.

What I have a problem with is someone not liking me and sort of activly trying to shut me down. She has made a few comments my way as if what I am saying is nonsense, she made a strange comment about my name. A few of my suggestions to meet up she has written off. When I have been talking to others she has somehow managed to side line me and excluded me from the conversation, its almost like she can't bear to hear me speak!

I can co exist in a group with one person who I don't gel with but its harder with someone who is sort of interfering when I am speaking or doing other stuff.

Quite often she has said or done something and I have had to think about whether to respond, she has got me wrong and its been - let it slide but let her think I have mis understood something or correct her and be confrontational, I have ended up doing both.

Meandmarius Wed 06-Mar-13 08:39:35

I can relate to this, a similar thing happened in my NCT group. Most of the group were lovely but there was one woman who was hugely competitive. We used to take the babies swimming and if my DD kicked or anything, she would come right up to us and shout that her baby was doing the same. It was weird. The final straw came when she starting being odd with my DD. We'd all meet up and she would just stare blankly at DD or completely ignore her when DD tried to interact, all the time whilst being friendly to the other babies.

I didn't take it personally, she obviously had stuff going on. Unfortunately though, it did stop me from meeting up with the group as it had got to the point where DD would burst into tears when this woman walked into the room!

As others have said, I think the key is throwing yourself into lots of different classes / groups. I did that and met some brilliant friends.

Katisha Wed 06-Mar-13 08:41:08

Two things occur :
Firstly are you the only one with older children in the group? THis can affect the dynamic if the others are all first timers.
And secondly how about taking the bull by the horns and directly asking this woman round for coffee? By herself?

BornFreeButinChains Wed 06-Mar-13 08:52:44

We all have other DC's. Her other DC is only a toddler though.
We met up once for coffee by ourselves and she kept cutting me off - and if I mentioned something about myself, she wouldn't respond but just then relate back to herself.

We have inadvertently been alone a few times and she has been akward and clock watching and twitchy.

I think she is still in hyper work mode and is applying her work strategies to her DC and to the group.

Everyone else is just normal and relaxed and able to chat normally, when she isnt there everyone gets to speak and chat and ask each other questions...

JaneyLiz Wed 06-Mar-13 09:54:28

Born-free, reading your post made me remember when my boys were young and I too struggled with friendships and loneliness.
I am also very aware of other people's behaviour and worry about if people like me. I'm sensing that there are a number of much deeper lying issues affecting your feelings and reactions and perhaps you need to spend time with those issues and the conflict within you(wishing you didn't have those feelings) I have been reading a mindblowing book on 'focusing' which is a philosophy where you spend time with your emotions, acknowledging their validity and accepting where they come from. It has already helped me with a relationship I have at work with my boss who I started to feel didn't like me. I realise this sounds a bit deep but it has helped me. Another book I love is 'The Happiness Project' - I found it inspirational.

BornFreeButinChains Wed 06-Mar-13 10:07:12

Oh thanks Janey will look up those books.

I think it comes from having a much older sister who used to speak for me and interpret what I felt or how I was feeling and she was always way off the mark. She was extremly domineering too and it was hard to make my voice heard.

For instance I would be sat thinking about happily about apples in a little dream world, she would come along and say outloud to people " oh look at Born, what a face on her - isn't she rude, sitting there with a face like a cats bum when we are all out for a meal".

She was over ten years older than me and was always making comments like that or telling my DM how to parent me!I used to internalise things then went the other way - really standing up for myself.

BornFreeButinChains Wed 06-Mar-13 10:11:24

I have a friend for instance who can walk into someone's house with OCD, and not notice them twitching about shoes on, cups on wood ( cup ring marks), and be cheerful and upbeat and carry on being themselves.

I walk into someones house with OCD I notice, I notice the twitching, the hand movements, the pursed lips, the sharp in takes of breath. I notice and I feel akward and unable to relax.

I want to be like my friend!

Ionasky Wed 06-Mar-13 10:21:27

It could be that she's v anxious herself - I do twitchy, over-talktative, not relaxed, interrupting stuff when I've had too much coffee (oddly to feel more confident in social situations) but anyway who cares - trust that you don't enjoy her company. Only thing I've learned: try not to tell yourself stories about what any other person thinks of you, go on the verbal proveable communication only & distract yourself if you start thinking too much. It's helped me a lot. Advice on trying to join more activities is good too - more interaction, less time to worry about each interaction!

LemonPeculiarJones Wed 06-Mar-13 10:47:28

Whatever her reasons are for being off with you, they are irrelevant. They are her business and her problem. She sounds like a pain in the arse.

BUT the issue here is you have worked hard to avoid the isolation you felt with your previous DC. So just think, 'I'll be DAMNED if this random woman makes me feel pushed out!' Be firm. Breezily ignore all her nonsense and focus on the other members of the group. The stronger and more confident you are, the more she will expose herself as being childish and moody and others in the group will start to notice and feel less comfortable with her, too.

Stay strong, fight your corner by being breezy and ignoring all her crap. Stick with the group and also strengthen individual friendships. Take the long view with this one. Don't be weakened by her rubbish!

NutellaNutter Wed 06-Mar-13 10:59:09

Sounds like you are an INFJ. I am so much like you. Go onto the Highly Sensitive Person website and do their personality test. Bet you are a HSP!

lainiekazan Wed 06-Mar-13 11:23:23

I looked up INFJ and it is absolutely me! Can't believe it. I know when people don't like me, or, as BornFree says, sense when other people don't like something. So many people are utterly oblivious to others' sensibilities and it must make life easier to have more rhino-like skin.

My sil sounds like Born's village frenemy. For nearly 20 years she has been making me feel just that little bit uncomfortable. Not enough so that others really notice - dh for example always says "rubbish" when I complain - but I always get the slightly-turned shoulder in conversations, the "oh, you don't need to help, thank you" at family events... just those small gestures that communicate "I don't like you."

BornFreeButinChains Wed 06-Mar-13 11:25:53

what does INFJ mean please? someone else said that but didnt say what it was?

it's a myers-briggs personality type. they have 16 basic types. you can take a questionnaire and find out what type you are.

here's one. There are lots - the 'proper' one is about 4 hours long.

Branleuse Wed 06-Mar-13 11:46:52

this would really upset me too. So whether its unreasonable or not, i can relate. i would feel awful if someone purposely let me know that they didnt like me like that.

I wonder if its possible to get the perspective of another friend because they may have noticed it too

musicismylife Wed 06-Mar-13 12:03:28

Hey OP, her opinion of you is actually none of your business.

I don't mean to sound blunt, just wanting to put things into perspective.

fabulousathome Wed 06-Mar-13 12:32:15

I'm amazed at that INJF personality type, it's so me.

I too have people in my circle of friends that I don't like. One in particular is my husband's boss's wife who is so full of herself and v annoying. I see her at the religious organisation that we both worship at and at women's club that I belong to which is an offshoot of the religious organisation.

I decided it was worth tolerating her in order to mix with other people there. I just keep my distance and am grateful not to be invited to her house as I wouldn't want to invite her to mine! This could be a way to go for you.

Smile sweetly on the outside and be a lady about it but inside think your own thoughts.

You are the winner as you are getting what you want (social interaction).

cumfy Wed 06-Mar-13 12:43:23

And by by your logic music, neither is your post.grin

cumfy Wed 06-Mar-13 13:01:16

Really, really, have to disagree with the "be breezy" advice.

Be yourself.

She has started this game of hers and you will be playing right into her hands and the rhino-skinned bitch will just outbreeze you precisely because its her game.

You care and she doesn't, and she knows it.

She probably has a little sister 10 years younger who she still bullies.wink

Don't play her game

DeWe Wed 06-Mar-13 14:05:41

I think, from what you've said, that you've let this build up in your head to be bigger than it is.

You don't really get on. Never mind, that happens. There's people I see regularly that we'll make small talk but we'd never go out anywhere together. We don't have that much in common.

It's possible that she's intimidated by you, or something else which means that she hasn't asked you. Have you tried asking her for coffee?

Asking one person to go somewhere afterwards wouldn't bother me assuming you're in a group where it's not where they all go afterwards. Or if you've just said that it's something you really want to go, then it's rude.

I think you've hit the nail on the head with "I just need to relax more" which is easier said than done. But the more it bothers you, the more you (or certainly I find this with me) see slights and irritation in all that's said and done.

silverstaresatnight Wed 06-Mar-13 19:47:49

Sorry have been out at work, but as others have said INFJ is a personality type you can google it . I have this type and it means you are the sort of person who senses the atmosphere a lot and can generally divine what is going on beneath the surface, as well as being rather perfectionist or idealistic, and not very extrovert .

LemonPeculiarJones Wed 06-Mar-13 22:46:31

Hmm cumfy I can see your point. How do you think the OP should approach it, practically?

By being breezy I guess I meant - don't play her game. Don't empower her by asking her what's wrong or being too keyed into her and her tactics and energies. Keep some distance and deny her your attention.

Definitely easier said than done though, but I've found it a good tactic when I've been in similar situations.

Oh and I'm an INFJ too! grin

silverstaresatnight Wed 06-Mar-13 22:57:04

Weird.. We are all INFJ !

Ionasky Thu 07-Mar-13 07:28:26

Me too, oddly! Wonder if that woman is a personality type that particularly clashes with infj.

lainiekazan Thu 07-Mar-13 09:16:56

That's interesting. I think that overbearing, bully types read sensitivity - or trying to make someone else comfortable - for weakness and take advantage of it.

I know that with, for example, my sil I act in this toe-curling sycophantic way to her, asking her lots of questions, flapping around and generally looking like a sop. She wouldn't see this as me trying very hard to get on with her; she probably thinks I'm a wimpy nothing who isn't worth the time of day. I have found other people like this: you try very hard to win them over, or play by their rules and they just trample all over you.

Ionasky Thu 07-Mar-13 10:30:12

lainie that doesn't sound like fun re SIL - I tried the opposite with MIL (after the initial sycophancy resulted in worse self-loathing) which is being less friendly than I normally would, and that also makes me feel bad. It comes down to caring less about that person's opinion. Some people I've found just don't expect to be genuinely close to family.

BornFreeButinChains Thu 07-Mar-13 20:17:54

Wow, I have never in my life heard of this INFJ. I read the profile and was absolutly amazed by it.
When I read it I actually cried and also felt very light as though a weight had been lifted off my shoulders.
I can relate to so much there its mind blowing. Thanks so much to the people who mentioned this.

Seeing that profile and now looking at myself in a new light, and I feel so much more confident in being able to put up with this lady!
If that makes sense?

Are there other personality types and does anyone know if there are types that tend to clash with INFJ.

By the way I am a cancerian and I have had alot of friends who are cancerian/virgo who seem to be similar to me.


rainrainandmorerain Thu 07-Mar-13 21:58:19

Just to offer another perspective - there is such a thing as being too sensitive. Sorry, but there is. I think if someone is low confidence/has been a bit isolated anyway, they are more likely to be that way just because they feel a bit more vulnerable - but it can turn molehills into mountains.

It sounds like this other woman probably doesn't like you, or feel comfortable around you, or you just don't gel. Whatever.

But be realistic. If you live in a small village, and she does too, what are you going to do? especially if it seems other women like her, enough to get on with her?

You are being quite judgy about her (attributing the way she is with her kids to the fact she hasn't adjusted to not being in 'work mode'... hmm. Well, maybe. Would you be comfortable if she judged you for being a sahm/part time worker, or whatever you are? no? Then don't do it yourself).

Try and focus on other things and this friendship issue will loom a lot less in your life. It is VERY common for mum groups to splinter and form smaller groups - it is just how people are. And the world doesn't divide into Incredibly Sensitive And Intuitive People and People with Rhino Skins! Some of us do a lot of work on managing our responses to people. Nothing makes me run faster than adult women who only seem to see relationships with other adult women in terms of the playground (ooh, she's a Queen Bee....don't play her little games... she's out to exclude you, you need to exclude her first, she loves seeing ghat she is getting to you, etc etc etc).

Whatever you do, don't obsess about this woman. it will affect the way you behave, and people do have some antennae for that sort of thing - they will end up steering clear of you and that is obviously the last thing you want.

silverstaresatnight Thu 07-Mar-13 22:29:38

The reason I thought of it is because I know I am INFJ and I find it difficult to get along with louder people who don't care a lot about keeping secrets or confidences and who are self centred,always commandeering the conversation and event around themselves.
I fully realise this is unfair as others seem to like their company but sadly I just find them really shallow and annoying. In turn they find me overly secretive and dull I am sure.

You don ' t have to like her and she may have sensed you don 't like her too which is why she is giving you the cold shoulder.. Either that or she just wants to get the better of you.
Either way you are unlikely to come out of this well unless you stay polite and friendly . Accept she is not your type but try to get along.

BornFreeButinChains Fri 08-Mar-13 13:02:43

Hi Rain

Its not so much as an obsession as she herself is trying to break up the group away from me.

I saw her on Wednesday and whenever anything came up, she always cuts across and talks about herself, when I am speaking.

We all are still getting to know each other, the others and I count myself here just seem so much more relaxed, when she isnt there the conversation just flows and we all get a turn.

When she is there, its juddery and when " I" am about to - or trying to say something, I feel rushed because she will cut across me at any second. That makes me feel nervous and akward.

I dont judge her at all for being in work mode - but she talks to her children like employees. I have lots of friends, most of them have gone back to work.

I am managing to stay polite but there is another group and one lady knows those ladies and suggested us all joining forces! Nooooooo, please no....

silverstaresatnight Sat 09-Mar-13 11:28:19

She's trying to get the better of you .
Just ignore and speak up for yourself.

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