to think dp should sit and chat to his parents?

(50 Posts)
familyfun Tue 05-Mar-13 14:03:31

dps parents visit us once a week for an hour. dp will often be late back from work so just be sitting down for his dinner when they arrive, so i sort their drinks etc and they watch the kids play a bit while he eats his dinner and obviously i chat with them.
but then, he will wander upstairs to fetch something, go to the loo, make a phonecall while hes up there or answer an unimportant phonecall and im left downstairs with his parents and the kids.
they will often say wheres dp gone now blush and i think he finds them hard work so hides a bit. he says hes just back from work, rushed his dinner so just carries on as normal.
aibu to think he should ,make the effort to sit and chat/listen to them for an hour.
i often know more about their plans/illnesses than him.

msrisotto Tue 05-Mar-13 14:06:35

Bloody hell how rude of him and them! If it is inconvenient timing, which it really sounds like it is, he needs to chat with them suggesting a different time (they really should have picked up on this though!) and he needs to entertain them, they're his parents after all.

Kamer Tue 05-Mar-13 14:09:05

YANBU, if your DP's parents only come over for 1 hour a week and part of that time he is eating his dinner, not unreasonable for him to spend the other 45 minutes or whatever chatting to them. I would not fancy having visitors that arrive just as I get home from work and want to eat my dinner in peace every week tho' - why don't you ask them to pop round at the weekend instead?

familyfun Tue 05-Mar-13 14:10:29

he invites them at that time, thats the worst thing.
kids go in bath at 6.30 so he invites tham at 5.30.
he says their his parents so he doesnt need to act different round them so if the phone goes he will answer and have a chat, but if i wasnt there they would be left sitting on the sofa like lemons and they arent able to look after the kids so if i wasnt there he would have to stay with them.
i feel sorry for them making the effort to visit and he doesnt talk to them.

Kamer Tue 05-Mar-13 14:13:26

Sounds like he invites them at that time, knowing that he may be late back, then will have to eat dinner and is generally busy, so he doesn't have to interact with his parents particularly?

familyfun Tue 05-Mar-13 14:13:47

dp works saturdays so we only have sundays as a family, we go to church in the morning which they wont came to and we try and go out on the afternoon swimming or park or soft play, and let dd2 have a nap, none of which they can do with us so theres only evenings left.
my dad visits in the day, just me and dd2 normally.
my mom visits late afternoon and fetches dd1 for me and stays till teatime but dp at work.

familyfun Tue 05-Mar-13 14:15:23

they are hard work, they bicker all the time, shout over each other, tut and moan at each other, are quite deaf so cant hear the kids talking to them and arent able to watch the kids while i make the tea etc so its stressful but its stressful for me trying to keep the kids safe and chat to them.

2rebecca Tue 05-Mar-13 14:16:05

I would be angry at this and tell him that I am not his maid that he can get to chat and entertain his family because he can't be bothered to do it. I'd never do this with my relatives.
He has to decide whether he entertains his parents personally then or whether he gets them to come at another time. I would tell him that in future his parents visiting time is a good time for you to get on with other stuff. Tell him you don't do that to him.
He is treating you very badly.

wineandroses Tue 05-Mar-13 14:17:21

He's very rude. They are his guests, as well as his parents and he should show them some courtesy. He is also lazy - expecting you to entertain them.

I would suggest to them that they come at the weekend, and they should arrange the time with their son, so that he is available to see them.

Kamer Tue 05-Mar-13 14:18:21

Well then, it is less than 1 hour a week, he should sit down and chat himself. Only acceptable to carry on with your own stuff in the case of family that are around a lot.

familyfun Tue 05-Mar-13 14:19:06

actually i have some wrapping to do and may save it for their visit this week and as soon as his dinner is eaten il go upstairs and wrap and he will have to stay there then. then il seem as rude as him though and i dont want that. as a one off it may teach him that he should want to talk to his parents and they are there to see him aswell as the kids.

That's really rude of him. But don't play games with doing the wrapping - you need to talk to him. Because after all, it's hardly his parents' fault he's treating them like this.

It's as if he's delegating the responsibility to be sociable with his own parents to you - very odd and rude.

TBH I'd go nuts if I saw my parents once a week but if he's inviting them, he should talk to them - or he should invite them round less often.

Catchingmockingbirds Tue 05-Mar-13 14:24:15

You should pop out to the shops for an hour next Sunday, coincidently when his parents are there so he'll have to talk to them. It's quite strange that he invites them at that time every week even though it's inconvenient for him.

familyfun Tue 05-Mar-13 14:25:13

i see my mom and dad separately once a week so it seems normal to invite them weekly. yes im just going to mention before they arrive that they want to see him and he should be a bit nicer to them.

familyfun Tue 05-Mar-13 14:25:59

there really isnt another time, they cant come later as the kids are in bed so they wouldnt see them and theyb talk that loud that they wake them up again.

poshfrock Tue 05-Mar-13 14:31:51

Why does he have his dinner so early ? Can't he wait until they've gone ? If they come for an hour between 5.30 and 6.30pm surely he can have dinner at 7/7.30pm so he can spend time with them ? Dinner before 7pm seems incredibly early for anyone over the age of 11.

familyfun Tue 05-Mar-13 14:33:44

i eat at 5 with kids blush
he has waited sometimes but is noramlly starving.

QuickLookBusy Tue 05-Mar-13 14:41:19

poshfrock If someone has an incredibly physical job or has been up at the crack of dawn, 5 o'clock may just be the right time for them to eat.

DontmindifIdo Tue 05-Mar-13 14:54:31

OP - you need to tell him it's got to stop. So he has one last chance, either when they arrive this week he entertains them and stays talking to them (if need be, eating his meal later after they've gone or eating quickly then joining them for the entire rest of their visit) or next week when they arrive you'll say "oh, sorry, I've got to pop out" and leave them for the hour, or he has to stop inviting them over.

Ask him why he thinks it's your job to entertain them.

Yfronts Tue 05-Mar-13 15:00:21

Very rude of him. Redirect him to his parents.

Can you unplug or hide the phone while they are with you?

whiteflame Tue 05-Mar-13 15:06:23

Depends on the rest of his schedule doens't it poshfrock. I eat at 6 pm, because I am in bed by 8 and up at 4 am.

It is very rude of him.

StuntGirl Tue 05-Mar-13 15:26:23

He is being rude and inconsiderate. Mostly because it sounds like you've actually raised this with him and he's gone "Meh. I don't care".

You're not there to entertain his parents while he spends the whole hour every week pottering out of sight. The occasional phone call or task to do I could understand, but every single week sounds like avoidance to me.

I would tell him if he wants his parents to visit he has to be present for the bloomin' visit like you have to be, and it would be non-negotiable. If he is not willing to do it then I would cancel the visits.

DPotter Tue 05-Mar-13 16:50:43

Why do you it with them whilst he eats his dinner ? are you sitting in different rooms ? Why can't Dh & his parents eat together ? I totally agree that he should engage with them, but there really is something about husbands / partners passing on their filial duties to wives / partners who then enable. Maybe if you left the parents sitting on the sofa like lemons they would tackle him directly themselves. I realise this seems rude. Alternatively you need to invite them at another time to suit you - after all you are the one chatting and entertaining them. Cut DH out of the arranging but arrange it so he's there.

Yfronts Tue 05-Mar-13 18:48:38

Can you tell him he is in charge and pop out for a bit to let him get one with it.

Euphemia Tue 05-Mar-13 18:52:40

Dinner before 7pm seems incredibly early for anyone over the age of 11.

Really? I'd be ready to eat my own head if I had to wait beyond 5.30pm!

maddening Tue 05-Mar-13 19:18:04

Make a light tea and brews and set them down with dh while he eats.

Save the dc pudding for then and they can all sit together with dh while you pop up to the bath.

Or dh can leave his dinner till after they leave.

2rebecca Tue 05-Mar-13 20:21:17

Before they next come I would chat to him. Check he definitely wants to see them as often as weekly and that he wants to see them at this particular time. Don't feel you have to invite them weekly because you see your parents weekly, they're his parents let him make this decision. If he says he's happy with them coming then tell him that in future you want him to entertain them because you are not his maid and feel he avoids them and you find them hard work too but as they're his parents he should sit and chat to them and let you get on with other stuff.

poshfrock Thu 07-Mar-13 13:29:02

*Euphemia" well I rarely leave work before 6pm so eating at 5.30pm is out of the question.
It's only one day a week - why can't he have a piece of toast or a banana when he gets in if he really is starving and then eat properly when they leave at 6.30pm? Presumably you're cooking his dinner for him OP so that it's on the table when he gets in? So why not just hand him a snack when he gets home and say "Your mum and dad are in the other room. Go and have a chat while I get your dinner ready." And then disappear into the kitchen for an hour.
FWIW my DH has a physically demanding job ( police officer) and he leaves the house at 5.30am most days. He still manages to hold out for his dinner until I get home so that we can all eat togther as a family at 7.30pm though.

2rebecca Thu 07-Mar-13 14:48:21

I agree that we rarely eat before 7 as we both work and if they leave at 6.30 a quick sandwich on getting home or before he leaves work and then liesurely dinner later with you preparing dinner whilst he chats or getting the kids ready for bed sounds more sensible.

teatrolley Thu 07-Mar-13 14:55:32

Does he want them to come every week?

Jux Thu 07-Mar-13 17:33:28

I'd put his dinner somewhere it can keep warm until they've gone, and give him a sandwich to tide him over.

Then I'd have a very important appointment at the library/gym/pub and be leaving just as they arrive.

I think he may be seeing that as part of the "Everything else" that WIFE is supposed to be for....

DH did what yours does. I grabbed him while he was mooching aout in the other room when MIL had been there for over 2 hours and he'd spent less than 5 minutes altogether in the same room as her, and said "bloody hell, are you going to go and spend some time with your mum?" to which he replied "god no, She drives me nuts!". He saw it as my job to entertain her, as we were bound to get on - we're both women, you see. I disabused him quite firmly.

exoticfruits Thu 07-Mar-13 17:41:47

I would either not do his dinner and then you can say 'go and talk to your parents while I get your dinner' - which you then time for when they leave- or invite them for a meal.

Jux Thu 07-Mar-13 17:43:53

Or you could tell him to get them over at 6. He can eat at 5.30, have a pee, make a quick call all before they arrive. They get half an hour with the kids there too, then you take kids off for baths and he can chat to his parents until 7.

merrymouse Thu 07-Mar-13 17:52:09

I think he is confusing how he acted as a teenager with how he should act as an adult.

Pigsmummy Thu 07-Mar-13 20:08:44

Is he behaving like he would have done at home growing up? Your parents being around is the norm so maybe he feels like he doesn't have to make the effort? Point it out to him? Men don't get hints and rarely pick up on vibes.....

familyfun Thu 07-Mar-13 23:23:29

yes i think hes acting like they are family so he carries on as normal, except they just sit on the sofa and talk so i have to sit and listen.
if my mom was here id say im just going to wash up and she would play with dds or come in kitchen and chat to me while i did it or even put the kettle on and make us a cuppa, but dps parents would never do that so you cant just carry on.
tonight i was out when they came, having done an early dinner, one of them left the door to the stairs open and when dd2 wandered off fil said he would watch her. dp went to see where they had gone and fil was stood at bottom of stairs, dp said wheres dd2 and fil just pointed up, dp raced upstairs as dd2 reached the topstep and fell and banged her face luckily dp caught her so she didnt fall downstairs.
dp was shocked that his dad cant watch a 2yr old safely, i dont think he realised how unsafe they are. his mom splls tea everywhere and leaves it balanced on the fireguard, im constantly moving dd2 out of the way, lifting the cup etc, not having a relaxing chat.

pippop1 Thu 07-Mar-13 23:46:18

The four adults should have a quick dinner together. Something where you don't need to get up. Kids can have dessert or special treat food and sit with you, in PJs if necessary.

DP's parents will hear them and their son more clearly as you can all sit around a table and so are closer to each other.

teatrolley Thu 07-Mar-13 23:48:51

They need someone to sit with them and chat. Might it be easier if they came for dinner? Maybe for that night you could not eat with the DC and instead all sit down together when they're in bed?

familyfun Fri 08-Mar-13 21:24:42

problem is mil will only eat a roast dinner, preferably beef, and fil wont eat meat.
we dont eat beef. i could happily do a roast chicken/turkey dinner but mil wouldnt be happy and fil wouldnt eat it, they are fussy and eat different meals to each other every day so cooking would be a hassle. they would suggest a takeaway but wouldnt pay anything and we cant afford a takeaway for 4 adults every week.

maddening Fri 08-Mar-13 22:02:06

they can't eat roast every night. Do a high tea - sandwiches and cakes etc.

Jux Fri 08-Mar-13 22:52:01

Oh don't give them a proper meal, they might be there all night.

Just tell him to look after his parents and grow up. He can eat after they've gone. Be firm.

teatrolley Fri 08-Mar-13 23:01:11

Seriously annoying about the food. I don't suppose the take out they'd choose is something you could do at home. They probably have wildly different stuff anyway!

I'd go for the option of having the talk with your DH about giving them his attention when they come around and not sodding off. Then find something vital to do upstairs for half the time they're there so he has to talk to them.

2rebecca Sat 09-Mar-13 09:45:06

Agree with teatrolley. the food sounds too much hassle. I'd just say to H "if you're going to ivite your parents round every week at this time then you should stay and chat to them. They're your parents not mine, I don't disappear when my parents appear, either be nice to them and chat or invite them round less often."

CocktailQueen Sat 09-Mar-13 09:48:39

Talk to him about it! I'd ask them round at another time so you could all eat together, maybe - it sounds bizarre to invite the round to watch your dh eat!

kerala Sat 09-Mar-13 09:52:29

Not on at all. Put your foot down with him dont know what else to suggest.

I have this slightly but DH mother is very difficult and has been so vile to DH that he would be happy not to see his parents at all. I feel bad for his father who is ok and think its right they get to see the children who are their only grandchildren so I am the one that initiates the visits (they live overseas). DH pretty much avoids them when they stay and I host its a pain but at least my conscience is clear. When they come to stay DH works late and reads in our bedroom but its somehow easier for me to deal as I dont have the baggage with MIL that DH has...tricky though. I always get a good present from DH at the end of the trip grin

2rebecca Sat 09-Mar-13 09:57:59

I wouldn't have got into the habit of having someone round in the early evening though as for me it's the most stressful time of the day when kids are young. The kids are getting tired and grumpy, there is food to be sorted baths to be ran. The "watching them play" sounds odd, my kids didn't just play nicely in a room with people watching or maybe I've forgotten that stage. If they're to come regularly I'd have them helping out more or come at a more convenient time as this time doesn't suit you or your husband as neither of you wants them there and they don't sound as though they're having a great time either.

Iheartpasties Sat 09-Mar-13 10:17:57

Christ they sound like a barrel of laughs! I would be having a word with dh about it. its not your job to entertain them! how hideously awful!!

familyfun Sat 09-Mar-13 20:54:06

mil eats a roast every day or buys herself chips. fil eats junk. im not going to start cooking for them in the week.
dp is meant to be home in time but is always late.
they watch the kids play as they arent able/wiling to go and play with them, so the kids do jigsaws/play farms or cars on the floor and they watch and comment.
just going to tell dp he invites them so he should talk to them too.

maddening Sat 09-Mar-13 22:10:02

Can dh eat his dinner in the same room as pil?

tigerdriverII Sat 09-Mar-13 22:13:48

Family relationships are tricky though.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now