AIBU to be completely blown sideways by this message...

(50 Posts)

I've just got a message on facebook from a really old friend and I don't know how to feel about it.

It was from a girl who I was best friends with from the age of 11 until my mid 20s. We went through everything together. We grew apart a bit when Uni came along etc, but we still stayed in touch a lot, and saw each other a lot.

When we were around 24/25 we both went to a friend's wedding. She got too drunk and had a massive row with my DH (then my boyfriend, we'd been together a few months). She was having sly digs at him all night and he ignored it, tried to take the high road etc until it just got ridiculous. They ended up having an argument and it got quite heated. Basically she'd been a bit of a shit friend for a couple of years and he told her a few home truths. I don't know why she was being so nasty to him, and I can't exactly blame him for getting to a point and snapping.

The next morning he was very apologetic for getting angry and said he shouldn't have. I sent her an mail to let her know that things shouldn't have gone like that, and he was very sorry, but that she also had a big part in what happened. She was digging him out ALL night and he kept trying to walk away but she was goading him.

She has a few problems, and I do think part of it was feeling guilty at being a bad friend to me. Like he is the new part of my life, and she is the old part etc

I can't go in to everything the argument was about in massive detail as it would take me even longer than this (epic...sorry) post. Suffice to say, she was out of order....he took it for a while but then snapped and shouldn't have...he was sorry for what happened...she wasn't. I felt very much stuck in the middle of it all.

Anyway, her response was really hostile and she blocked me on FB and I haven't heard anything since.

I've just got a message after nearly 5 years. She's really apologetic, says she regrets everything and knows what happened was her fault. I don't know what to think. I still miss her like mad....I don't know what to do.

Sorry this is a bit of a ramble, sorry if this sounds all abut juvenile...I'm just really shocked to hear from her. I want to hear her out, but my life has moved on so much since then...

a bit juvenile

BIWI Tue 05-Mar-13 12:43:48

Why not just take it at face value? That she is genuinely sorry? It takes a lot to admit that you were wrong.

Looks like you have your friend back!

hellhasnofurylikeahungrywoman Tue 05-Mar-13 12:44:24

I'd accept her apology and move forward.

GhoulWithADragonTattoo Tue 05-Mar-13 12:45:31

Does she live near you? If she does I think I'd go for a coffee with her and see what she has to say. It sounds like she is offering you and olive branch and you can either be friends again or at least part ways on friendly terms. I'd give her a chance since she's apologised for what she did smile

threerings Tue 05-Mar-13 12:46:12

5 years is along time ago and water under the bridge now. I would just leave it alone as it may open up old wounds as the row will always be in the background waiting to raise its head at some point. Very random of her to message you tho.

KellyElly Tue 05-Mar-13 12:46:51

Accept her apology. Sometimes people act in a certain way when they are going through a bad patch in their lives and when they come through it and look more clearly at their behaviour try to make amends. If you don't want to be close friends then don't be but it's the right thing to do to accept her apology and have some closure on the situation.

MmeThenardier Tue 05-Mar-13 12:47:31

Lifes too short to block contact with someone who you have loads of history with and admit to missing.

Reply. Get to know her. If you're no longer compatible distance yourself. Or maybe you'll get an amazing friend back. Who once had a bad week, too much to drink and said something she regrets... Who hasn't?

Oh I do think she's sorry...she's very proud and wouldn't say sorry unless she meant it. She did say she's been wanting to write for ages.

I was gutted when it all happened. She was very much of the "it's him or me" type of argument....whereas DH would never make me choose like that. He's said many times over the years he would never have an issue if I still wanted to be friends with her, but she took away that option.

I hope we can sort things....I find it very hard to make friends and she was a good one many years ago. I'm hoping she's had some time to sort her head out.

lynniep Tue 05-Mar-13 12:48:13

I would accept her apology too. It sounds like she's grown up a bit and realised that her behaviour was unacceptable.

midastouch Tue 05-Mar-13 12:48:35

Accept the appology and move on? Life is too short!

Musomathsci Tue 05-Mar-13 12:49:42

Hmm, tread carefully. You say you miss her like mad, so it might be good to get back in touch, but I hope you don't find out something you'd rather not know - like why she was goading your DH so much. Have you told him about the message? How did he react?

Oh I hope it works out for you. Treat it like a relationship (which it is I guess). Go out on a few tentative 'dates'. You'll probably find you have a right laugh and talk about old times. Just take it slowly and I'm sure it'll be fine.

carameldecaflatte Tue 05-Mar-13 12:51:17

What BIWI said.

It's brave of her to admit she was wrong and she's obviously been missing you too. Might be lovely to catch up or you might find you have nothing in common any more. What do you have to lose?

CarpeJugulum Tue 05-Mar-13 12:52:58

I'd take things at face value, and see her. Hear her out.

It may be (and this is wild speculation), but your original post said she got too drunk - and I wonder if she got drunk a lot. If so, she may now be going sober, with all that entails. Apologies to those you have hurt is part of that.

I haven't told him yet Musomathsci - he's having root canal surgery right at this very minute. I will tell him later.

I've had feelings why she was being out of order, but we never really got the chance to sort it out.

Her relationship was breaking down...she wanted children, her DP didn' and DH were in the deliriously happy "honeymoon period" - I think it was mostly down to jealousy to be honest.

aldiwhore Tue 05-Mar-13 12:54:03

I've randomly facebooked people from my past when I've simply thought about them, or they've popped into my head. Mostly the messages are simple hellos, but I have apologised to two people, randomly, and seemingly out of the blue. Partly it was selfish, because I wanted to find peace. Partly it was unfinished business. Mostly it was an olive branch in itself.

She misses you. She's probably thought about you loads over the last few years, and it's simply taken this long to put hands to keyboard and write to you.

5 years is a long long time, and I suspect you have both been U for letting it continue so long... she may well have been in the wrong, but you both could have tried harder to get past it. I was wronged by a friend who blocked me from FB, but I kept sending birthday and christmas cards, the lines for communication were always kept open by me, even though I was 100% in the right.

Reply from the heart. Even though the fall out was many years ago you can accept her apology. Briefly. Then move on to catching up.

I can't say for sure whether your friendship will be instantly as great as it was, it may even be awkward for a long time, but whatever the outcome, you can find a certain peace.

Cakecrumbsinmybra Tue 05-Mar-13 12:54:12

If you miss her so much, then you should meet her. There's really no need to go over the past though, just accept the apology and move forward. I am sure most of us regret certain things we have done and to apologise after all this time means she must really mean it and it has affected her a lot. There are things I'd like to apologise for tbh, sounds like she has courage.

StuntGirl Tue 05-Mar-13 12:54:56

Accept the apology and move on. Life's too short! If it turns out your lives are in different places you've lost nothing. If everything slots back into place you've gained your friend back!

Possibly CarpeJugulum - alcohol was a problem. Her Mum has bi-polar and is an alcoholic, and I often worried she was heading down the same path (sorry not trying to drip-feed).

Crinkle77 Tue 05-Mar-13 12:58:33

I would give her a chance. You said you were mid 20's when all this happened so chances are she has done a bit of growing up over the last 5 years

BlingLoving Tue 05-Mar-13 13:00:00

Definitely accept the apology and meet with her. Neither of those things is a commitment to necessarily be close again but it opens a door. You say she had problems. She's now accepting responsibility. I would say that there's an opportunity here for you to get a friend back.

See what she says.

flangledoodle Tue 05-Mar-13 13:00:32

Perhaps she's doing the 12-step programme?

You're probably right Crinkle77 - I've changed a hell of a lot!

Thanks for the advice people....just needed to sound off about it and DH isn't here so didn't know who to talk to grin

fedupofnamechanging Tue 05-Mar-13 13:02:30

I'd be careful. I'd want to know exactly why she was goading my dh. Were there jealousy issues, do you think?

Years ago I lost my best friend because if something was going well for me, she could never just be happy about it - there was always some resentment/jealousy because her own life was harder.

Maybe I'm projecting a bit, but it's hard to be friends with someone who doesn't genuinely wish you well. I think you need to know more about her reasons for behaving as she did, before you decide.

I must admit, the first thing I thought upon reading your post was that she had some kind of crush on your dp.

samuelwhiskers Tue 05-Mar-13 13:02:33

After five years I would be cautious that she has really changed because her behaviour sounded pretty nasty and spiteful, you did your best to make amends and she ended up blocking you on facebook and disappearing for five years. What are her motives after all this time, you have moved on and you say you have missed her, but you probably miss her because she goes back a long time and you have history. She might well be nasty again once she meets you and sees how happy and settled you are. Maybe meet her in a cafe and really keep your distance before you can trust her back in your life again. I agree what others say that life is short but on the other hand none of us need negative and spiteful friends in our lives.

flangledoodle Tue 05-Mar-13 13:04:02

Sorry, I see someone suggested that upthread.

TheChaoGoesMu Tue 05-Mar-13 13:04:33

I'd accept the apology and move on. Life is too short, she misses you and you obviously miss her too.

I will definitely be cautious. She was wild and crazy, and I used to be, but I'm not any more (married and have a child). If she is still doing the same things, then I doubt we can go back to how things were....but it would still be nice to be on friendly terms.

Fakebook Tue 05-Mar-13 13:26:21

Doesn't she need to apologise to your husband? I'd discuss with him first and tell her to apologise to the person she offended, then go from there.

mummymeister Tue 05-Mar-13 13:27:04

OP of course you cant go back to the way things were and perhaps neither of you want to. sometimes we say things, back ourselves into a corner and stomp off then regret it and want to sort it out but never do. i would take this cautiously at face value. thank her for getting in touch, tell her you still have some great memories, tell her about your new life and how much you have changed and then leave it to her to take the next step ie meet up or whatever if she wants to.

complexnumber Tue 05-Mar-13 13:36:14

Could she be an alcoholic and doing step whatever of a 12 step programme where she apologises to people she has wronged?

DigestivesWithCheese Tue 05-Mar-13 13:36:31

I don't think you should let this woman back into your life. I can't explain why but there is something about your post that makes me feel uneasy on your behalf. I agree with the posters who suggest it sounds like she had a crush on your DH... or maybe there's another story that she wants to tell. She might be genuinely sorry but she might also want to be back in your life for malicious reasons.

complexnumber Tue 05-Mar-13 13:38:24

Sorry for the repetition.

HecateWhoopass Tue 05-Mar-13 13:43:45

i would just accept the apology but not try to recreate the friendship.

I don't think it's possible to do such things. When things end badly and so much time passes and you all become different people - you find that it's just too hard to go back. All that you have is the past, the memories of who you used to be. But you're unlikely to be those people any more.

I wonder if it could work.

Is it possible to really forget when someone's shit all over you and welcome them back into your life and not remember and feel differently about them and be wary?

digerd Tue 05-Mar-13 13:58:10

I also have a bad feeling in my guts about this woman. That she could be so nasty , no matter what her personal demons were, is a case of 'leopards can't change their spots' to me. There are ulterior motives behind her contacting you after 5 years of no contact and no apologies for her nasty behaviour. It may have been directed at your DH, but you were there too. And you said she had not been nice for some time before then.

I wouldn't reply. And don't understand why you miss her. I'd have been glad to get rid of such a venomous friend.

HeathRobinson Tue 05-Mar-13 14:07:23

Well, you've had the apology. Why not just leave it for a bit, and see how you feel after you've thought about it. Really take some time and talk to dh about his reaction to it.

She's had 5 years to apologise. You don't need to react immediately.

Yfronts Tue 05-Mar-13 15:52:49

If you really miss her I think I would forgive her and try and move forward slowly. 5 years is a lot of time and she probably has grown up and reflected lots during the years. There is probably a lot of catch up on too.

Yfronts Tue 05-Mar-13 15:53:37

do you think she could have been depressed or jealous when you met at the wedding?

sneezingwakesthebaby Tue 05-Mar-13 16:00:18

I would reply and thank her for the apology but would leave it there. Five years is a very long time and I would be wondering why now? What does she want from me? I grew apart from a friend and we just stopped talking and out the blue she messaged me to meet up. I had a funny feeling about it and declined. I later found out through someone else that she had found out she was pregnant and wanted to practise on my four month old as I was the only person she knew with a baby. So I might be a bit biased.

I also notice you say you missed her like mad while on the other hand she could cut you off without a second thought over an argument. That suggests it wasn't really a balanced friendship (like mine wasn't in hindsight) and friendships like that just aren't good in the longterm if you are the friend who invests more. She was a shit friend for the last few years you were friends so why open yourself up to that again. I know people say people change but some really dont.

Yfronts Tue 05-Mar-13 16:03:22

do you think she could have been depressed or jealous when you met at the wedding?

bottleofbeer Tue 05-Mar-13 16:03:31

Nope, I had a jealous friend (more of a frenemy tbh) who I lost touch with. A few years later I saw her and her mum and her mum was obviously angling for me to let her back into my life because she was a bit of a loner by then (there was good reason for that) I wasn't totally comfortable with it but went along with it thinking she'd have grown up by then and maybe a spell of a few years without friends had made her have a rethink about the way she had treated people.

Within weeks I found out she was seeing a casual boyfriend behind my back. Ironically if she'd said she liked him I'd have stepped aside because it was going nowhere and I just wasn't that into him. Then I realised it had been what she wanted all along, every issue we'd ever had had been down to boys/men - she just seethed with jealousy that I had boyfriends and she never did (probably because she was so bloody sour all the time).

Of course your experience may be different but if you've moved on and are living your life quite happily without her in it, then leave it be and don't invite potential trouble into it.

SirBoobAlot Tue 05-Mar-13 16:21:57

Accept her apology, and meet her for a coffee. What do you have to loose? If it doesn't work, and you don't get on any more, then you haven't been close for five years, so it wouldn't be too hard to say ''Sorry, this isn't working''. But if you miss her, it's got to be worth trying.

LaQueen Tue 05-Mar-13 16:37:07

18 years ago, I lost my BF in very similar circumstances...except it wasn't just the one night, where she was being arsey and goading to DH (then DP), she was like that with him, from the word go, every time they met.

She'd been single for years, and my then boyfriend was away at university - so I think she could pretend that I was kinda single, too?

When my boyfriend dumped me (and broke my heart), looking back I truly, truly think she was glad sad

But, then I met DH only 2 months later - and I don't think she could stand it. I think she was bitterly, bitterly jealous and resentful. Basically, I think she really fancied him, herself, he was exactly her type. She used to get him to buy her drinks, get him to dance with her - but then also be really sneering/goading at him, too? And when DH was a bit hmm about that...well, that's when she turned really nasty with him.

My life was really hard for about 18 months, but in the end, I broke off the friendship. A few years later, I heard through a mutual friend that she'd like to see me again...but, I wasn't interested.

Life is too short to have such people in your life.

Me and a friend fell out for around 8 years, we have now been friends again for the last 10 years. She is one of the most supportive friends I've got and has helped me through 2 really difficult years. Some people do change

My friend and I fell out for a few years over a holiday ! She made the effort to get back in contact, we are good friends again but don't see each other as much.

Everyone needs friends maybe she's grown up ? Take it slow, go for coffee and see how she is

I'd pick up the offer of friendship with caution. It IS possible to rebuild.

When I was in my teens I had a friend (lets call her X) who, looking back, monopolised me. I was her handy singleton friend. The one who could be over at a moment's notice, the one to vent to, the one to be at her beck and call. We were friendly, and I didn't feel at the time that I was being taken advantage on, but in retrospect, I was a bit of a time-filler for her.

When I eventually got a boyfriend, she wasn't keen. Spent a lot of time picking holes in my relationship with him for various reasons. He was nothing other than polite and courteous to her. One day it all escalated, and she and I had a massive slanging match on the phone, and didn't speak to each other for 7 years.

We were both vaguely aware of what the other was doing through a mutual friend (who will be 'Y'). X and Y got on very well. Y and I got on very well. But we could never be the three of us together.

X and Y went on holiday. Y was taken ill and died. Suddenly and unexpectedly. At a very young age.

Despite what had happened with X and I, I couldn't help but worry how traumatised she might be about the incident, and got in touch by letter to express my sympathies and offer any help she might need. According to her mother, on receipt of my letter, she was able to let her grief out. I was unable to attend the funeral but a few months afterwards had a tentative communication from X.

Another 8 years on and we're on a fairly even keel. Not close friends, but mature enough to put the past away and deal with the every day.

(Sorry for long story and monopolising)

Fleecyslippers Tue 05-Mar-13 16:52:14

I'd give yourself a little time to think about it before replying but I think your instinct is telling you that you do want to reply?

Life is way too short to carry bitterness forward - I'd definately give her the benefit of the doubt smile

Thanks a lot for giving me both sides.

When I say she was a bad friend for a bit...she wasn't nasty, she just didn't make much effort. It was always me that was making the effort and I just assumed that we were drifting apart.

At the wedding, she seemed to blame my DH for the fact we'd drifted apart (not true) and my DH basically turned round and said it was down to her not him (probably not in those words...he said some things he shouldn't have as well, he'll admit that).

I know she was going through some tough times, and I put her behaviour before the wedding down to that, so although things weren't brilliant between us, I was still shocked at her behaviour. We'd been friends for well over 10 years and she'd never been like that before.

I think it might have been jealousy....not because she fancied my DH (not her type at all) but because things were going well for me and not for her.

Some of you may be may be too much water under the bridge. I'm happy to be at least on civil terms though....I hate bad feeling and conflict.

Thanks again to everyone who took the time to reply. I've spoken to DH about it and he's happy to support whatever I want to do. So I'm going to sleep on it.

wednesdaygirl Tue 05-Mar-13 18:24:05

Maybe she had a life scare or someone close to her has died its may of made her think of you and finish up any regrets she has

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