To expect dh to show some remorse or some understanding?(351 Posts)
(I have named changed as I have to friends on here - sorry).
I am really annoyed and upset with dh and he doesn't appear to have a care in the world!
Last weekend was dh's work night out, so dh had booked a hotel to avoid coming home worse for wear and waking me and dd. This is his story . . .
Had a good night drank a bit much. Some of the ladies at work had a falling out, leading to one of them not getting her lift / shared taxi home. She is crying. All the other men from work suddenly disappear, have to get home, have important phonecalls to make! Dh is left with crying colleague. He comforts her and tells her his room has a spare bed, so she can stay there! This offer is accepted. Nothing happens. He takes her home the following day.
Right so he comes home and tells me this the next day. I trust him, so if he says nothing happened, Then nothing happened. But I am still within my right to be angry and upset by this right? I am not being unreasonable am I? I would never do this to him or put someone else's. wife in this position!
Oh and I have to go to work soon, so sorry in advance for lack of comment in the 9-5 gap!
Rl friends not 'to' friends!
So what do you think he should have done? Left this woman upset?
He told you straight after, you trust that nothing happened so why make an issue about it?
I would not be happy at all about it. I would be asking him why he could not have lent her some money for a taxi home.
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
Sent her home in a taxi, offered his room and come home in a taxi himself? Asked me before he did it to at least give me a choice in the matter?
Pretty much anything other than offer to spend a night in the same room?
I wouldn't be angry or upset by this, I would be impressed my husband was being so unselfish. I know he would be really annoyed to have to share his room with some annoying, crying woman, and I expect he would have been one of the men who was sloping off at the first sign of trouble,
If you really trust him, I don't see the problem.
If it was my DH I would be pleased he had been the good guy after everyone else buggered off, but I would be asking him not to make a habit of it and suggesting that if this happened again the correct thing to do would be to put her in a taxi home.
So you want him to put a woman who is very upset in a taxi alone or leave her alone in a hotel room?
There are other ways to take care of an upset colleague than sharing a hotel room with them.
Seriously, she is a grown up? Has a life? A job? Why did she need a man to help her? What was her plan for getting home?
If DH did this (and he wouldn't) I would assume he was covering his arse in case I found out he had spent the night with her in his hotel room.
In this situation, I would have asked colleague if there was someone I could call, I would have assisted her in getting home, I would have stayed at the bar drinking coffee until she sobered up. I wouldn't have offered to share my room.
Could he not have given her money for a taxi home, or a room of her own?
I wouldn't be happy about it.
How would he feel if it was you?
Room sharing wouldnt bother me BUT why didnt she have enough money to get home? She is her own responsibility not someone elses. I can understand all the other blokes evaporating, who the hell wants to deal with a pissed up (ok thats assumption) hysterical female at the end of the night?
In fact, why didnt she book her own room?
Um...I think yabvu.
What are you upset about?
What should he feel remorse for? Why do you need understanding?
Nothing happened. You said it yourself.
Put someone else's wife in what position? Of being left with nowhere to sleep for the night?
If nothing happened, which you accept is the case, then YABU.
Asked me before he did it to at least give me a choice in the matter?
Don't be daft - he's a grown man and can make his own decisions. He doesn't need your guidance to make a good moral choice.
You don't actually trust him, do you?
Grown ups take care of themselves, they don't get so drunk they can't get home.
Op - as you said at the begining - the hotel room was oro#iginally booked because your DH assumed he would be the worse for wear.
Drawing that conclusion, everyone was pissed up and not thinking straight.
And of course - to the rest of the posters - we all carry wodges of cash for taxis at the end of the night when we've already booked a room.
Again, she is her own responsibility - what your DH did was very admirable in the circumstances..
Yanbu to be upset but your dh was very honest about it IMO and I would let it go. Tell him if this happens again that the thing to do is get her a cab home. He was probably a bit at a loss if the woman was crying, particularly crying whilst drunk, and offered it to diffuse the situation. I would also be pissed off too but I think let it go, your dh is obviously a decent guy.
YANBU. Why did she need a man to help her? She could have made her own way home as we all would do.
I would never dream of doing this. Be easy on yourself OP.
It wouldn't hAve been my first choice of solution but I don't think he's got anything to feel "remorse" about.
Er if it was a twin bedded room and they are friends, it is quite possible this was innocent, especially if he told you without any prompting.
But yanbu to be upset, sounds like the 2 of you need a good night out together!
Why do you imagine you should have a choice in the matter? You weren't there and it was nothing to do with you. Or is he not allowed to make a moral judgement of his own without running it past wifey first?
You don't trust him.
Why can't a crying woman go in a cab?
She didn't need a man to help her, she needed someone to help her. IRS not some battle of the genders it's about friends/colleagues looking after each other.
Probability is that it was totally innocent and exactly as he says. But I am naturally suspicious and would be very upset if my Dp did this. I would think it a step too far and that he should have resolved it another way
he did a nice thing for a woman in distress.
you trust him.
my husband would do this type of thing- if he had the money on him he might have put her in a cab. if he didnt he would probably of offered her the bed and slept on the floor himself. Thats kinda why he is my life partner- very much a "nobody gets left behind" man.
seriously suggest you move on
I think it is a silly solution, I would smell a rat somewhere. There were tons of other solutions. Sharing a room with a colleague is just not appropriate. I, personally, would never do it.
I also think it is silly to get a hotel room as you are planning to get drunk.
The whole set up would seem odd to me, but we all live different lives.
How bizzare. Sure she was maybe a bit dramatic and no doubt could have survived without a man helping her out but why be a martyr? They're colleagues, probably even friends, why not help her out?
If she was a he would there be an issue?
I'm with greenfolder on this.
Purely because I have another sofa full of teenaged waifs and strays this morning. Some people are helpers and some people turn a blind eye 9as typified by this womans other collegues)
And yes there are a million things that could have happened, but when you are pissed, tired and want to go to bed, making a mental check list of whats what is the last thing on your mind.
I suppose I am finding the whole thing a bit difficult because I don't drink, so I would never have left myself in this situation! And I would never think that sharing a room (even innocently) with a man was a sensible conclusion to a night out.
yabu, clearly you dont trust him so maube try and figure out why, rather thsn getting distracted by a non issue....
Of course there wouldn't...if it had been a bloke OP wouldn't have blinked.
I can see why he did it.
I can see why you're upset.
Both positions are reasonable.
Is he saying YABU, by the way?
I genuinely wouldn't be bothered..I guess you need to think about whether you really trust your DP.
And I would never think that sharing a room (even innocently) with a man was a sensible conclusion to a night out.
Would that be because all men are predators???
You should only really be upset at your DH for putting himself in such an inappropriate situation. It will get out at work and anybody who hears will assume they had sex.
He should have paid for another room or a taxi. And assuming she hadn't left the house without her wallet, she would have been able to arrange either of these for herself. Having a drunk squabble with your colleagues doesn't leave you incapacitated (unless that hot guy from the other dept seems to be still around & looks like he might offer you a bed in his room...).
Dh is not suggesting I am being unreasonable. But he believes he did the right thing for similar to the reasons given by other posters.
Whilst I don't think it was the right thing to do, in fact I think it was totally inappropriate, regardless of whether anything happened. And I'd never want it to happen again.
Whereas dh, believes it was the right choice and would potentially do it again if the situation arose!
I once shared a sleeper train cabin with a male colleague, both married.
Nothing at all happened.n
Would you feel the same if this had been with a male colleague?
I wouldn't trust any DH who told me this tall story. My bullshit antennae would be flapping madly, and I'd be checking his phone and putting spyware on his laptop.
I was really trying to imagine myself and dp in this situation and I trust him unequivocally so YABU really, or you don't trust your partner.
I don't think men predators. I have lots of male friends and colleagues. I would just never choose for them to share m bedroom. That is for my husband only!
The thing is if I were that woman I know that nothing would have happened. I'm not like that
I also wouldn't risk doing it because people never believe that something didn't happen and I wouldn't want to allow rumours to start that could upset my husband, the colleague or the colleagues wife.
So I also wouldn't put myself in the in the ops dhs position because this makes it inappropriate. They are work colleagues.
Oh and I haven't added spyware to his computer or mobile - in case you are all worried!
Absolute non-issue in my eyes.
Stuck in a situation, there's a spare bed, why would she not sleep in it? Miles easier than faffing about with taxis, just in case someone might not trust someone when in fact they do.
I don't see the problem. I'm guessing you wouldn't have been bothered had it been a male work colleague?
I trust my husband and if it was a work colleague I would also be absolutely fine. He is friends with his colleagues and so he would want to do what's best.
He told you straight away, so I don't really think there is an issue here.
If you don't trust him though, well that's another story.
I wouldn't be best pleased about it, it just wouldn't sit right with me. I trust my dh, been together 11yrs and he's never made me doubt his faithfulness but I still wouldn't be happy, think its a lack of consideration for my feelings that would upset me.
Talk it through then let it go. That would be a demonstration of the trust you have in him. It's just one of those wee bumps on the road, pity to make it into a big bump
I wouldn't have been bothered about a male colleague. However, I would still have queried why he couldn't phone a taxi!
Why was it inappropriate if nothing happened between them?
My DH would do something like that. I'd probably feel a bit jealous because that's human nature, but I trust him and have no reason to think he'd be romantically or sexually interested in another woman. So I'd let it go.
Did your DH tell you why she was upset? If she was just crying because she was drunk in the way that some people do, I'd think she was probably taking advantage and be a bit annoyed with her, not him. If she had genuine reason to be upset, then I'd be pleased that my husband was a kind and generous enough person to want to help.
Ok, I am glad he doesn't think YABU.
Personally I would be fine if DH did this, and he would be fine if I did it. We've both travelled with friends of the opposite sex and shared rooms.
But we'd both be equally fine if the other said "actually, I'd rather you got two rooms"
It's surprising though that if your view is you wouldn't share a room with male colleagues or friends under any circumstances (which is a pretty strong position) that he (a) wasn't aware of it previously and (b) would repeat what he's done in the same situation.
Xroads, I think you've got it, we've been together forever, I know nothing happened. But I am still upset that he didn't give my feelings enough thought and still isn't!
I trust him
No you don't.
I trust my husband, but still think that this would be a ridiculous thing for him to do.
Mind you, I think getting so pissed that you can't get home is pretty stupid when you have children & are therefore missing limited time with them.
If it was my DP I would give him the benefit of any doubt but keep an eye on the situation.
If I was the female colleague I would never have agreed to share a room.
In any case I think you need to try and let go of this one. You have said you trust your husband so perhaps it is now time to stop going over it.
I wouldn't have an issue with it and I doubt my dh would if it was the other way round. If anything we are trying to save pennies at the moment and I would be annoyed at my dh for shelling out for some woman's taxi or hotel room. The same bed would be an issue but in that case I know my dh would sleep on the floor.
I don't think OP doesn't trust her husband. She knows there wasn't sexual contact.
It's just that she sees sharing a room as an intimate/personal thing in itself.
By the way, there's no implication anywhere that this woman had no money, so not sure why there are so many suggestions of the DH paying for a solution.
He is giving your feelings thought. You said he understands why you are upset. But he can't change what happened, and at the time it happened he had to consider the situation he was actually in.
It's unreasonable for you to expect him not to go with the easiest solution to the problem because of your feelings, when your feelings are not very rational.
I wouldn't be in the least bit bothered. daft situation to get in stuck with no lift and no money on the woman's part but the rest of it is silly. either trust him or don't but don't claim to trust him then be annoyed. the thing I would be most concerned about is them being talked about in work as people will assume.
It's not ideal but if you trust your husband then what is the harm really? So he slept in close proximity to a woman? I'm sure they acted appropriately re getting undressed etc. there isn't any real intimacy involved in sleeping near someone. It's a bit weird when you are a grown up but then I feel that sharing a room with a female friend would be just as odd. If it's an obvious solution to a problem then it's not really a problem.
And getting wasted is never a good idea but nevertheless it happens so no point judging the woman for that.
I trust my husband and if he did this, I wouldn't mind - but I would have a niggling doubt about wtf the woman was up to, thinking it was a good idea when she didn't have the knowledge of our relationship that he does.
One to keep an eye on - I am always wary of the "crying abandoned woman"...
I suppose it could cause rumours at work etc which could be a bit of a nightmare for him, but he's the one who will have to deal with that. The fact that he's not calling you unreasonable or being defensive at your stance on it says to me that it's probably completely innocent and he just thought he was helping a colleague out.
If you trust him, explain your feelings and lave it at that. He sounds like a nice guy.
She wasn't incapacitated. She was upset because she had an argument with some work colleagues.
It is a bit pathetic to need rescuing in that situation. Women are not children.
Don't people plan ahead at all? No Plan Bs for getting home? What would she have done if he hadn't been there?
Ok, looks like, I am just going to have accept it happened and get on with it. And I'll be crossing my fingers that no more friends and colleagues decide to take advantage of my husbands kind and helpful nature!
I wouldn't like this one bit. Nothing to do with trust, but I'd find this behaviour inappropriate in both dh and female colleague. And if anyone is wondering would I feel the same about a male colleague, well, I don't imagine the dh would have felt the need to narrate the whole tale to the op in such detail if it just been a blokey mate of his. Imo the fact he's felt he had to 'come clean' about the whole thing implies that he knows something about it isn't appropriate or nice for his wife. Personally I wouldn't be impressed with my dh needing to book a hotel room because he planned to be so drunk he'd need it. We both left that level of drunkenness in our pre-DC past but maybe I'm a right old prude for feeling like this!
I wouldn't offer to share my hotel room with a female colleague in these circumstances.
If I got so drunk at a work do I couldn't get home, I wouldn't have to worry about any more work dos for a while because my arse would be fired.
He was probably feeing quite benevolent because he was pissed and then in the cold light of day was a bit worried about how it would look to the other colleagues.
Thanks monkey mamma I was starting to think, I was maybe getting a bit old / prudish, thinking it was inappropriate, when reading how many others would be ok with it, as long as it didn't involve sex or intimate relations!
I'm going to have to disagree with the others here. He has put you in a difficult situation, because although you trust him, if anyone else gets wind of what happened, rumours will be running around the office about an affair between the two of them.
It's not only about acting with proprietary, it's also about giving the appearance to all others that you are acting with proprietary. THAT is what he has done wrong, anyone else looking in will view what happened with deep suspicion. This sort of thing can destroy reputations.
I would be more interested in why all the others disappeared. Is this something this woman does regularly? Get tearful at the end of a night out and cry on male colleagues shoulders?
If DH told me this story I would believe him, but I would have been a a bit sceptical that this was the only possible solution they could come up with. FFS she was so upset by a row with her mates that it rendered her incapable of getting a taxi home? Thats absoloute bullshit. She sounds like a complete drama queen, and your DH shouldn't jave indulged her. Thats what I would be telling my DH.
However of you believe nothing happened there is really no reason to be annoyed. However if I did this, my DH would be incandessent. He would believe me that nothing happened, but words like inapproriate would be used. So different people will react differently to it.
If it was your DH posting about you and an upset female workmate I don't think we be getting so many 'stick her in a taxi' responses. Instead it will be what a twat for suggesting that a presumably drunk and upset woman be put into a taxi n the middle of the night.
well its not ideal. Id probably feel a bit put out, but he either got it on with her or didnt. I WOULD believe my dp if he told me nothing happened, because i just would. You either feel like you trust him or you dont.
Otherwise the solutiuon is to just say, if this situation ever arises again, id rather you lent her money for a taxi or lent her money for a hotel room rather than share if you dont mind, but if someones gonna cheat, they can do it without sleeping in the same room
I think you are being unreasonable to expect him to feel remorse for helping someone in need.
What if it had been a male colleague and he'd offered him the spare bed, would you have cared?
Your husband did a nice thing and was honest about it, by all means be a little jealous but don't expect him to regret what he did
I think you are being unreasonable to expect him to feel remorse for helping someone in need.
What if it had been a male colleague and he'd offered him the spare bed, would you have cared?
Your husband did a nice thing and was honest about it, by all means be a little jealous but don't expect him to regret what he did
YANBU - 1) what if she made allegations afterwards of inapproprsire behaviour on the part of your husband? 2) rumours will go around at work that may not just cause embarassment but may effect his career. Very foolish situation he put himself in. Presumably as an adult she had a credit card to book a room herself, a cash card to get money for a taxi and a mobile phone to ring a friend or relative. I wouldn't beat him up too much but I'd want him to realise what repercussions this 'good deed' might have had.
I want to make this really clear, I don't think my husband cheated on me, and I trust him, we have been together way too long for little things like other women to worry me!
But i don't think that makes the situation right. I'm sorry.
"We both left that level of drunkenness in our pre-DC past but maybe I'm a right old prude for feeling like this! "
I'm sorry, but I am confused now.
If its not an issue why are you posting on here and many people have said you are being unreasonable to expect remorse, yet you still think you deserve some??
She has a fanny and he has a cock it doesn't mean they will inevitably end up .shagging . people have self control and maybe just maybe they just don't fancy each other , who'd have thunk it 2 people of the opposite sex in the same room not shagging .
It does happen
Perhaps he is a nice thoughtful man that felt he needed to help her
What is the world coming too
I think what you're getting at here is that you feel some unspoken boundaries were crossed that night. Correct me if I'm wrong?
And that makes you feel uncomfortable & like he should've found another option that still let him help the woman but didn't involve breaking said boundaries?
I think that's totally understandable to be honest & it seems like he told you because on some level he knew it was wrong & that if you heard it from someone else you'd have jumped to the worst conclusion because on some level it was wrong. He should have found another way.
SHE ALREADY SAID SHE DIDN'T THINK HE CHEATED BTW!
So that's not her issue
There are two possibilities here
Either he did something wrong and cheated on you with this colleague
OR he did a really good deed and helped a stranded, drunk colleague by letting her sleep on his sofa
You are not fussed about the first possibility, don't even consider it but you are cross that he did the second? Very very odd!!
Well the woman sounds ridiculous, why couldn't she have asked someone to walk to cashpoint with her, or found a different lift or booked her own room, or shacked up with a female colleague?
It sounds very odd. If dh did this I would trust him, but I know he wouldn't because he's very aware of the gossip in his work place.
you can appreciate that he did a nice thing for a silly colleague but feel uneasy about it at the same time you know...
Everyone has different boundaries too, and it seems like yours are different (he said he'd do it again if needs be for example).
And the replies on here are all so different for the same reason...that and some people are missing the point a tad.
All you can do is move past it though really. At least you said DH understands why you might be concerned and has told you himself
I would be furious and find it completely inappropriate.
There were so many other viable options I doubt I would believe it was innocent tbh.
(I do agree with the people who've said it would ring alarm bells. Sounds a bit fishy & like an arse-covering exercise but hey ho)
I would be extremely concerned about this. I'm an employment lawyer and I would feel that DH had put himself in a vulnerable position - particularly if the was a more junior colleague. I would be very worried about later allegations of harassment etc. particularly if she had a partner who isn't happy about what happened. Unfortunately, I've seen this happen quite a lot and that includes a situation where 2 men were involved.
I would also be cross about the inevitable gossip etc that followed. I'm sorry to say but anyone who gies on a work night out, gets in to an argument with colleagues and then can't organise their self to get home, doesn't sound like the most mature and sensible of people who can be relied on to keep matters to herself.
I genuinely cannot understand why your DH didn't put this woman in a taxi. If you trust him, then I'm sure nothing has happened but I would ask him next time just to bung her in a taxi We've had this happen a few times at work events and we just call a cab on account. We know then who is taking the person home. If its happened before, the person will be asked to reimburse the firm but if it's a one off, then we just leave it. We also tend to ask their pals if they live with anyone (whose likely not to be drunk themselves and can check they won't choke on their own vomit).
YANBU. Personally I would be upset. At the end of the day it's about respect. I would feel disrespected if my husband did this (and I mean purely his version of events) and I myself would never do this to my husband by offering an upset male colleague to share my room.
I think Morloth has it spot on - there were so many other ways to help and this woman was a grown up. The fact that are also work colleagues makes it doubly inappropriate. Very unprofessional and there will be gossip if it gets out.
Errr....why couldn't she go home?? Cos she was crying?? So they had to share a hotel room?? Very odd story.
Mind you, I think its odd that someone books a hotel room just for themselves in case they get so drunk they can't get home. Did everyone else manage to get home? Where was everyone else staying?
Reading this I assume this was planned or anticipated and he's getting in with the story first to make it seem legitimate.
I'd be outraged if my DH behaved like this.
I'd be outraged if he shared a bedroom with a female work colleague.
I'd feel (even if I totally believed the cover story) that I'd been humiliated in front of his other colleagues. I'd hate to feel that others knew he'd done this and were being suspicious.
I'd hate the public light of suspicion this would put on our marriage.
Sharing a bedroom, even just to sleep, is sharing an intimate space that is not appropriate for work colleagues. Maybe if you're also very good friends beyond the work environement this may seem more appropriate, but to me professional relationships have boundaries which this totally crossed.
Maybe I'm an old prude too though.
When I was in my 20's and out getting bladdered I'd have dismissed it as a drunken laugh, but now as poeple in their 40's with a spouse and children it screams dodgy to me on many levels.
Certainly not how I'd expect my husband to behave anyway.
YANBU and I'm don't believe that everyone here would be sp blasé about this if they were in your situation.
You can trust your husband and believe that nothing happened and still feel upset about this, you are human. I wouldn't be happy and I wonder how he would feel if you did the exact same with a man colleague. Also, others are right about if this gets out at work, many folk just love this kind of drama. Also right that he put himself in a vulnerable position where he could be open to all sorts of accusations.
How far to you live from the do, I just think it's strange that he booked a room but no one else did.
YANBU at all.
I think there is a lot of disingenuous bullshit on this thread about how if you trust someone you shouldn't bat an eyelid if they share a bedroom with an opposite sex colleague on the flimsiest of pretexts.
I trust my husband.
But I'd trust him a lot less if he booked himself unnecessary hotel rooms and them filled them with drunk women late at night.
I trust him because he behaves in a trustworthy manner. Not because I've decided to believe whatever he says no matter how obviously self-serving and ridiculous.
Exactly, AThing I can trust DH because he has never done anything untrustworthy.
I would be gobsmacked if he did this, completely floored by the inappropriateness of it with a work colleague.
Agree with AThing.
The crying woman would have had to make her own arrangements if your DH had just headed up to his room himself.
I know a couple of crying women and they are a massive PITA when they've had a drink. It is all an act though, usually. Probably why everyone else disappeared pronto.
If there was a geniune problem, your DH just tried to help, if all he says is true, and why wouldn't it be. It is just that in the cold light of day there are plenty of other options than them sharing a room. After a few beers, and everyone feeling tired and emotional, not so many.
OP, how are you going to feel when he books an un-necessary hotel room on the next works night out ?
Comfortable ? Able to put your foot down ? Or made to feel you are BU ?
I would be angry, even if I was absolutely sure that nothing happened between them. For the simple reason that he has left himself (and his colleague) open to gossip and rumour at work, and that could affect how he/she is perceived by their colleagues and bosses. Could potentially affect all sorts of things at work. Talk about creating an unnecessary complication!
I'd have told him he'd been a total fuckwit, and if he wanted to play Sir Galahad he should have had the hotel call her a taxi and have the fare put on his bill (taxi firms run accounts for big clients).
I think the key thing for me is that this was a work do - so I agree with shinyblackgrape's employment law take.
However, I'm afraid I have done similar. I was at a conference in a work role, bumped into a friend there, friend got mind-bogglingly drunk (too drunk to walk back to his accommodation) and I let him share my room. I, of course, was drunk too - but less so. It was fine. I told DH what I'd done, as well as a number of mutual friends. Friend told his DW. There were no repercussions. Friend is still a friend, DH still likes and trusts him, no-one from work ever knew. I would still try to avoid doing it again. By the morning I was very nervous about it and how my friend, DH, his DW and our mutual friends would see it. I'd like to avoid that feeling in future.
also ...if he does try to make you feel like you're being unreasonable then that really is a big fat red flag. Even if it was all 'legit' he's walking a fine line boundary wise so doesn't actually have a leg to stand on, considering there were other options...So don't let him guilt trip you into not talking about it/doing anything about future indiscretions. I personally think it's ridiculous that you have DCs and he booked a room for a night out drinking but I suppose everyone uses their time off from parenting differently!
(p.s I'd never pick that option, however drunk, as I'd know how bad it looks and wouldn't treat my partner/career that way. Hope you're ok )
I think he sounds quite sweet and that you must have a good solid relationship for him to have told you. It actually sounds exactly what my husband would have done - he always ends up with drink female colleagues sobbing on his shoulder at work dos. I've seen it first hand! I think it's to do with having 4 older
melodramatic sisters. It's never bothered me: one of the reasons I married him is because he's charitable, honest and caring (crap at hoovering though, you can't have it all!). If he's always been trustworthy in the past then why would you have cause to question him now? If he had a guilty conscience then why would he have told you the next morning?
Sorry but this sort of thing is just messy, everyone knows that. It is not on. Helping a colleague is not more important than keeping your marriage sweet. YANBU. No way.
Of course he told her ! Office gossip has a way of finding it's way back to an unsuspecting wife. Innocent or not, a pre-emptive strike was always going to have to be on the agenda.
YANBU and this is totally inappropriate in my opinion. How would your husband have felt if the roles were reversed and a male work colleague stayed in your room. If he would be completely understanding of this and you both trust each other, then maybe YABU. I just know for me I would be very unhappy about this. His sister, mum, cousin, best mate then fine...a work colleague, no way. Why couldn't she pay for her own room or get a taxi. I would rather my partner lent her the money to do this if she couldn't afford this than to share a room.
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
The story is full of holes, or unanswered questions, anyway.
Why did he need to book a hotel a room?
Why werent others booking hotel rooms as well?
Why werent colleagues already arranging to share if this is the norm?
Why/how did everyone else disappear to?
How come he ended up with her?
What was she so upset about?
How was she intending to get home?
Where was she intending to stay?
Why couldn't she now get home?
Is she married?
Why can't a crying woman go home?
How does crying prevent you from getting home?
Why couldn't he have got her a cab home?
Why couldn't she have called someone to help her while he waited with her?
Why couldn't she have got her own room?
How is he going to handle this at work?
What is his relationship usually like with this woman at work?
How will this now be viewed?
Will he not find this an awkward situation?
Why does a married man feel its more important to help a drunk work colleague than to respect his wife?
I'd be asking all the above questions and more.
I am sure nothing may have happened, that is not the point.
It is in inappropriate for coleagues to share a bed room. I am just visualising this, in a hotel room you walk around in your underwear and/or get changed, I presume the lady did not bring her PJs so slept in her underwear? And DP would still have his morning hard-on when he wakes up and stumbles to the bathroom. That all makes it way too intimate a situation for work colleagues.
Also, it wil be office gossip.
And the whole thing bout planning to get so pissed on a work do that you cannot get home seems just so silly to me.
And being too upset to take a taxi home?! WTF. Women can look after themselves, can't they? why did A Man have to come to the rescue? why was that even at all necessary?!
Are you all still quite young ( early twenties?) as I remember taking a dim view of anyone thinking something was going on if I crashed at a male friend's house. Once you grow up a bit, many people no longer think this sort of situation is really appropriate. Or necessary.
I'm 22, so plenty young & even I think that's a pretty silly way to behave...especially with DCs & a wife in the picture!
We recently had a section meal and piss up combo, to celebrate a project going live with the company picking up the drinks bill. A couple of the people booked nearby hotel rooms. The venue was central London and for these people last train home was 11pm-ish, just when things usually gets warmed up
So I don't see what's the big deal about getting a hotel room.
It sounds like he booked a room and others didn't though...Going by the OP.
What shinyblackgrape said.
I thought "work nights out" (the kind that ends in drunkenness, tears and hotel rooms) were a thing of the past in most industries anyway.
This bloke may not be a cheater but he has some serious growing up to do.
It's strange if he lives nearby and it would have been cheaper to get a taxi rather than a room, especially if no one else was staying. Might not be the case though, only the Op knows.
'a thing of the past' ???
Walk around a major city centre on a Saturday night and you will legions of pissed men and women. Catch a plane to Ibiza and hang out at pubs in the evening ....
Getting totally rat faced, especially when the company is paying for the drinks and workmates don't know the DP, is just as popular as ever
Why would anyone be stupid enough not to be able to get home after a night out?
And, as a woman, I would never think it was appropriate to spend the night in a male colleagues bedroom - how niave and pathetic is that?!!!!
MTSgroupie - yes. A lot of companies these days don't have the budget for free-flowing booze any more (I remember it was different pre-2007, I worked in the square mile so believe me I know what I'm talking about, but those days are well and truly gone.) And people in regulated, professional jobs have learned to be much more careful about their reputation than they used to be. It was in my own lifetime that my company officially did away with lunchtime drinking, for example.
Of course you can still see people vomiting on the street on Saturday nights, but I think you'll find most of them don't do it on their company's dime and in their name.
What would annoy me the most would be the vulnerable position he might have placed himself in.
It was certainly very unwise.
OP says he Got hotel room to avoid waking her and DD. hmm...
Other men seemed to go home, do they live nearer, are you further away making it more difficult/impossible for your DH?
Crying women missed her shared cab.
So..she has to get cab on her own then, seems the obvious solution, rather than, 'you can spend the night in my room alone with me where no one except us will really know whether anything happens or not and we can arouse great suspicion and gossip amongst our colleagues and caus angst with our partners, yes that seems the obvious solution'.
I always find the most worrying thing on these threads is the 'I totally trust him, he'd never do anything because he's lovely' attitude, which allows the men to behave in frankly suspicious or shitty ways without any concern.
NEWSFLASH- to the world, your husband wife may be lovely and honest, but presuming they are human they are also flawed individuals who are capable of behaving in ways that you would not expect of them, or that they wouldn't even think expect of themselves, till they do it. No one is magically entirely trustworthy, it's an ongoing process of commitment, and viligence of your own behaviour and attitudes that makes you trustworthy and as the relationships boards show this can crumble like a house of cards at any moment even for the previously 'loveliest' of people.
Athing said it best when she said (paraphrasing) ' I trust my DH because he behaves in a trustworthy manner, not because I chose to blindly believe everything he says.'
This is inappropriate behaviour both because of the implications for work and for jeopardising his trust from you. He appears to care very little, or to not understand the implications.
He's either been very foolish, or very cunning.
I'm afraid based on the info we have so far, I predict further threads over coming weeks as this is revealed to be more than the OP currently wants to believe.
what a silly bimbo, there is a juvenile falling out with some other women and she can't just get her own taxi back? She doesn't need to be carrying a huge pile of cash, there are things called ATMs.
your husband is a bit of a soft touch but it all sounds harmless. Bit insulting to worry if he would go anywhere near such a foolish howling female. Hopefully she'll grow up one day.
Panicking - My boss, albeit 20 levels of management levels removed, was in the news recently because of his humongous bonus.
There is lots of money still in the City.
Of course - I'm just saying the culture has been moving away from those kind of parties for some time.
Where I work now, we have a formal-ish dinner once a year. My husband's company hasn't had a "do" in years.
I associate this kind of pissups with the entertainment industry, or with 20-year-old interns, not with business professionals. I've never met anyone in real life who booked a hotel room, in advance, because he expected a company-organised event to get so out of control that he couldn't have made his way home otherwise.
I had this once sort of - I was away on a course and DH texted to ask me where the spare toothbrushes were..... Female friend and colleague of ours was at my house and incapable of going home . I was not happy but I do trust him and you have to really. Got the full story when I got home - can't go into too much detail without outing myself but she had been so sick he couldn't face the idea of her going to bed without washing her teeth. Put her to bed with a sick bucket. I certainly had it on good account from other colleagues that she was blotto when they left, dropped off another colleague and after destroying the poor cab car, got stranded at ours.
Ultimately, if you can't trust your DH around other woman then you don't really have a marriage in my view. You have to trust that he used his best judgement (however impaired) at that point in time. It's quite possible that there were better options open to him but they just didn't occur or seemed like even more of a PITA to sort out.
Your husband put himself in a very dangerous situation. This female colleague could end up accusing him of anything.
She is a grown woman and is responsible for her own safety. She shouldn't allow herself to get in such a state.
I have seen this exact scenario happen in my own office on many occasions. And yes, it will get out as gossip that they shared a bedroom. Nothing will be left to the imagination of the office gossipers!
Your dh is a Wally. He should have just called her a taxi, and bundled her off on her own. My dh was have it rid of her.
But, I still don't understand why he needed a room?
He isn't at work where he has to sign Offical Secrets' Acts or something?
I'm going be careful about what I say here:
But it's a similar story that I've heard from a family member who was in a firm back in the 50s/60s which was tight on security because of military spies. Collegue was put in similar situation, let the woman sleep on his couch, turned out she waited until he was asleep, let someone else in and then had various insinuating photos taken which were then shown to him for blackmail: Information or we tell your wife.
Nearly destroyed their marriage, but he decided to go to police rather than give in.
Hate to say it but story really doesn't ring true and sounds like a case of some desperate arse covering to avoid a bigger picture.
I can never imaging being so drunk that I'd feel comfortable sharing a bedroom with one of my male work colleagues
Wouldn't bother me in the slightest.
He's a grown up,one you trust,he helped out a friend
Getting upset about it or executing a choice in it implies that you don't trust him
This whole 'you don't trust him' thing is odd to me.
I don't just trust my DH not to have sex with other women.
I also trust that he will not put himself in positions with other women which I would feel uncomfortable with.
I can think of various examples that would fall into this category that would not involve sex but i would still not feel comfortable with him doing, and spending the night in a hotel room with a female work colleague would certainly fit the criteria.
I trust DH plenty.
Mostly I trust him to not be a bloody idiot.
It isn't that difficult to not end up sharing a hotel room with a drunken colleague.
I've heard this story before.
A male friend told it to his gf to cover his back in case the story got out that a girl from work had slept in his room
Of course, he had shagged her
In this instance I can't really think of any reason why this woman needed to stay in your DHs hotel room other than for a drunken shag. Unless she knows you DH really well I can't imagine any woman would put herself in that position rather than get a taxi home. Just doesn't ring true
PMSL that he may be a military spy - not heard that excuse before!!
Again...It's about boundaries! Not trust.
And this would cross the line for many people, and not for some (as proved on this thread).
If you felt uncomfortable about it then that's fair enough, plenty would.
I don't think you're unreasonable. I find your husband's behaviour very disrespectful. I cannot think of any circumstances where I would find myself in a hotel room with a male colleague. There will be talk of them sharing a room at work now and that too is disrespectful to you even if nothing actually happened.
I do think the fact he booked a hotel room in advance when others didn't and then ended up sharing it with a woman from work is suspicious. You have only his word for it that it was a twin not a double...
In hindsight yes it would have been better if she had gone home in a taxi. I wouldn't be happy either with my DH offering a spare bed to a colleague. however, he told you about it. And that should be the end of the matter. Unless you are worried something else went on and that's different. But if you are convinved that was all there was to it then you should try and forget it happened. And hope that if you or your DD was in a situation like this a man would help them out.
YANBU i wouldnt be impressed! Why could she not have her own hotel room or a cab home? I dont see why a grown woman is helpless!
it is not only a cover story, it's the most obvious take-you-for-a-fool cover story. In my opinion, of course.
doesn't make much sense that he would have booked a twin room unless that's all they had available.
I find the concept of trust espoused by some on these threads really adolescent.
It reminds me of the kind of argument teenagers have with their paramours.
Where the trust that is demanded is based on nothing other than the fact of the demand.
Trust me - even though it appears that I am untrustworthy, you must believe, against all evidence, that I would never lie to you.
Trusting someone doesn't mean making a decision to believe that there is no chance they will ever lie to you.
It means taking the chance that they won't because you know them well enough to think it unlikely.
But you can never be 100% certain of another person.
There are always bits of them that you can't know.
Trust is a series of small decisions.
Not one big decision you make early and then stick with no matter what new evidence comes to light.
I have shared a room and a cabin on board a yacht with male colleagues, nothing happened. The yacht was pure bad planning by the event organiser, the hotel situation was because it was just easier than trying to get a cab (in the middle of the countryside) and the hotel was full.
I can't believe the number of people who think the OP is silly to be upset. I don't blame you for being upset, OP.
I just want to make a slightly obsessive note - the language of the OP is heavily gendered. The women - no, "ladies" - were socialising together (without the men, or at least in a taxi-sharing group to which the men were peripheral) until the falling out, and then it is apparently generally assumed that it will be up to one of the men to "look after" the lone "lady" (rather than that she call a cab or book a single room, as everyone else has suggested she might).
This denotes a very traditional and rather sexist worldview within which:
a. no of course married men do not share hotel rooms with "ladies" not their wives, ffs, and
b. the OP might be in a rather traditional set-up within which women can very easily be treated badly. Men who go out on big work piss-ups and stay in hotel rooms, and socialise in gendered groups, and often treat their wives disrespectfully. (Many don't - but if you were a man, and you wanted to have a wife but flings too, you would get the sort of job where this sort of situation arises, and you would marry a woman who uses words like "ladies" which denote a "lady-like" sensibility)
She's a grown-up not a tantruming toddler. if neccessary he should have paid for her to get a taxi and she could have paid him back at work.
I'd be annoyed. But I have a good reason to distrust H's KISA syndrome these days
And of course they'll be loads of rumours at work....
And even in my Pollyanna days I'd have been a little dubious and annoyed at this.
If you are suspicious why not do some detective work on the hotel. Or try and find out about the booking. If it was a twin room or double room. I must say I hadn't read the whole thread and it didn't enter my head it could be a cover story and it was planned all along. But I can see why some people would think this.
What you should have done is just trusted him and forgot about it. Now you have a whole thread where people are putting doubt in your mind.
I hope DH would never put me or 'a drunken lady' in this position.
At best it's super-naive.
I simply wouldn't understand why she didn't get a cab home (like I would have done)
Yabvu what was he supposed to do leave her there! He was honest with you, he called you check it ok, I am afraid you do have trust issues. He has nothing to apologise or feel remorseful for, nothing happened get a grip!
The professional repercussions are horrendous. If I knew a married man at work had spent the night in a hotel room with a female colleague I would lose all respect for him as he is either very stupid or shagging around.
OP, does he have form for being naive? Does he care what other people think? Is he the type that can see beyond the end of his nose that other solutions were available? That would inform how I would react.
Other solutions were obvious. I would think they would only share a room if they thought it was going to be an exciting thing to do (even if they didn't have sex).
I wouldn't like this, and I am a non-suspicious/jealous person, my DH often meets overseas friends for drinks after work/ a meal, many of these are single women... doesn't bother me a jot.
But two drunk collegues in a hotel room together is very different... what if she cracked onto him during the night, what if she wakes up and thinks he's put the moves on her, what if the whole office assumes they went for it all night and think he's a cheating bastard??? Ultimately this isn't his responsibility - he could pay for a cab home, offer her his room and cab it home, but bunking together isn't appropriate, in my opinion.
Different to offer her a couch in your home, under different circumstances, but not alone in a hotel.
This is a grown adult not a child, of course he could have left her there.
Adult women are capable of looking after themselves.
Only a complete fool wouldn't have trust issues after their husband booked a hotel room and spent the night in it with a female colleague.
What he did looks identical whether he shagged her or not.
There is no way to know for sure what happened in that room.
He says nothing happened.
But people lie.
People have affairs.
Drunk colleagues get together on nights out.
Only the monumentally arrogant think it is impossible that these common occurrences could happen in their marriage.
A man who thinks inviting drunk women back to his hotel room is a good idea and who plans to do so again is someone you need to reconsider trusting so much.
People are missing the point. OP is upset because her DH has totally disregarded her feelings. Maybe some of you are happy for your partners to share hotel rooms with colleagues of the opposite sex after drunken nights out however OP is not. Her DH should appreciate and respect that.
I don't see why she should just shut up and put up girloutnumbered!
She said she'd be back on at 5 in her OP
Also sceptical about the spare bed...really?
Yes, the spare bed is a bit odd. If I were booking a hotel room on my own I would probably book a single if it was cheapest. If not available I'd book a double so I could spread out cross the whole bed. Only as a last resort would I book a twin. OK there may have only been twins left but it is a funny room for one person to book...
Vivienne, no I would not hope that if my dd would find herself in this psition she " would find a man to help her out" ....by offering her to sleep in his hotelroom with him....I would hope she would have to financal and emotional sense to know when it was time for a taxi home! Or Book her own room.
Yanbu I think.
I personally think they crossed the line by sharing the hotel room. If she was in too much of a state and he wanted to help her, he could have taken her to his hotel room and left her there, safe. He should then have got a cab home himself. I think that there should be boundaries - they stepped over it and my most suspicious mind would say that he could have told you all this stuff to provide an explanation in case you later fond out about the room sharing.
Those of you who say that it's ok for drunk or otherwise colleagues to share a hotel room need to wake up IMO. It is perfectly possible that nothing happened and the op dh was just trying to help. However,colleagues shag each other very commonly. Often one or both won't have been looking for an affair. It is a cliché for a reason and it is naive to think "it will never happen to me".
My dh (happily married for a decade, 2 little dc) had an affair with a colleague and the line was first crossed when they went into his hotel room after dinner. That was it, full blown affair from then. Prior to this incident, dh considered people who cheated to be awful and sinful, loved me sincerely etc. Then he became an adulterer! I'm not saying this is what happened in the op's case. I just think some responses are naive.
Why don't you phone the hotel and ask for a copy of the bill to be faxed/emailed/posted to you as you need it for expenses and have lost the original? If it is a double room booked, you'll find out.
Re the double room thing - my DH was at a dental conference last week and booked a double room. He always does as he likes to sleep in a double bed. So, I wouldn't necessarily be suspicious if Op's husband had booked a double room
no, but the point is: was it double or twin?
Well if it was a double they shared a bed.
But I guess as long as nothing happened she should just trust him and not question who he shares a bed with hey???
I travel about the UK a lot on business and I invariably stay at chain hotels. Despite paying for a 'single' I always get a double bed or two single beds. Unless you stay at a B&B, I don't think there are such things as single bed rooms (too inflexible).
Hmmm if you trust him then its not a problem.
Im spending the night with a male workmate soon (well ex work mte now) but nothign would ever happen, once it has been me and 2 other male workmates, never raises dp eyebrow.
As you are upset about it though he should at least (not apologise) but promise to be considerate of your feelings in furute
I would be livid with my DH as it would be totally out of character. He would have lent woman money, booked taxi on company account etc etc. We are middle aged - perhaps in our twenties we did a lot of room sharing but its been decades now.
Also, I would be angry as I think part of being in relationship is to think about your behaviour and how the other person might feel. He would know that I would be unhappy about it.
I would want to know the exact reasons how this happened.
1. Just how far away does she live?
2. Was no one taking a taxi anywhere near?
3. Why he had a spare bed? Huh?
he would be really upset if I shared a room with another man whilst out on the piss.
I would be completely fine if DH did this - it would be a non-issue. However, of course everyone's relationship is different.
However, I might suggest to DH (in this situation) that he could be putting himself at risk of false accusations of inappropriate behaviour, and that perhaps it wouldn't be the best plan if a similar situation arose in the future.
I would have been upset if my husband made this very poor choice about what to do with a female colleague.
She planned to get a taxi home, the only thing that changed was that she needed to pay for a whole taxi not half a taxi. She is in employment. I would have expected her to pay for a taxi herself, if she hadn't money for that then i would have understood my husband lending her money for a taxi, (but would have expected her to pay it back, she is a colleague not his daughter, she may earn more than him).
I would not have expected him to offer to share his room with her. Even if they didn't sleep together there will be office gossip about this and I don't see it as a sensible solution to what really sounds like a minor problem. It sounds as though the work event was fairly local.
It sounds like a piece of nonsense to me. She should have been packed into a taxi and told to drink less and get less hysterical next time.
He could be putting himself at risk of true accusations of inappropriate behaviour.
The thing with trust is, it only exists until you are given reason not to trust, that is how I see it anyway.
If I trusted my DP and he did something like this, it would make me not trust him.
I wouldn't be happy about this at all.
I can't imagine any scenario where this was the sensible and only solution.
They spent the night together. In booking a hotel room and the story that he has told you, he has legitimised them spending the night together. That could be an attempt to pretend to himself that he is being 'honest' with you.
To me, it sounds like a cover story.
A receipt would show whether the booking was for one or two people. A double room can be booked by a single person, but a single room (even though it has a double in it) cannot be booked for two.
YANBU - I trust DH but still don't think it is acceptable. He should have called her a taxi TBH. It could have put him in a very awkward position and if people at work found out rumours do happen.
I can't imagine DH doing this, I would think his first thought would be to call her a taxi not to offer her the spare bed in his room. Even if she had no money she could have stopped at a cash point on the way. All sounds a bit daft IMO.
i would be so disappointed in DH if he told me that story but the ending was 'but as i didn't have your permission, even tho she was distressed and i had a spare bed in my room i left her to get home drunk on her own'. For a start i would say 'what have you done with my husband...'
It would be a total non issue for me. I know DH goes away a lot and i would not bat an eye at this. I also sleep in a twin room with a male friend who is an ex. In fact once we shared a double bed as that was all they had.
And about the disregarding feelings. I would expect DH to disregard my feelings if i expected him to feel bad and apologise for being nice. Just as i would disregard his feelings if he asked me something equally silly like 'don't have male friends etc'. However, i think if you are married to someone you pretty much know their stance on this kind of thing, as we do.
Yes, agree with the above poster who says there is no way to know what happened in that room. There is no way to know what happens when DH goes anywhere without me - he could be shagging people in his lunch break for all i know. But this way madness lies. So i trust he doesn't.
But the ending wouldn't be... "I didn't have your permission etc etc"
The ending would be what happens a zillion times over, a simple; "so I helped her into a cab..."
That would be the logical solution, that would be the 'nice' solution and would avoid potential trouble.
I wouldn't bother looking at receipts, he may have not told the hotel she was sharing the room and I agree hotels sometimes let twin rooms out as singles.
To me the story doesn't make sense. It would make sense if the event was 100 miles from home and she had lost her purse and there was some reason her colleagues or the husband couldn't arrange for her to have her own room either in that hotel or a nearby one because the hotel was in the middle of nowhere and all the other rooms were full.
This isn't the case here though, the husband only stayed overnight so he wouldn't disturb his wife. The woman had lost her shared taxi not her purse and the hotel was a local one.
She had a very minor problem that could have been easily sorted out in many ways. Sharing your bedroom with her shouldn't have entered his head as a possible option.
i'd think 'why didn't you just offer the spare bed, how odd to waste money on a taxi'
in fact if dh said he had booked a twin, i would have suggested he offer the bed to a colleague, just out of convenience, no drama required.
It was her money that should have been spent on the taxi. If your husband said before he went that he planned to share a twin room with a female colleague to save her spending money on a taxi would you think that was sensible? I don't see why it is a sensible option just because her having to pay for a taxi is a last minute decision not preplanned. She is a woman in employment, not a pennyless waif.
Am I correct in assuming this was a grown adult woman we're talking about here?
Because, I'm slightly that any grown woman, with any sense of pride or dignity, would allow herself to openly cry at a work's Xmas p[arty, over some (no doubt) stupid, petty argument with her mates...
To me, this is the behaviour of young, teenage girls...not adult women.
However...all that aside...at the very most I would expect DH to give her a few kind words, a handle of tissues, and then stick her in a taxi home.
I totally fail to see the need for this woman to share his hotel room, in anyway, shape or form
erm, yes it still would have been a wast of money, not sure why i would only care about dh's money if he could help a friend out. and yes i would have thought it perfectly sensible for him to share with a colleague if booked before hand. the gender is irrelevant.
i am with Laqueen tho and would have thought she was a bit of a dick for crying.
I'd have been very if some woman had pulled a bleddy stunt like this, at my Xmas party...openly crying FFS??? Over some pointless bickering???
Pretty damned silly, and self indulgent. Unless, she's 14?
YANBU. It's good you trust him but this does leave leave unanswered questions. A bit of common sense on his part wouldn't have gone amiss.
If my DH did this I wouldn't be happy about it. I've never understood how some could let something like this slide.
However, it has happened. Just tell him you'd prefer him to never do that again as it leaves you uncertain and uncomfortable. Have the conversations you need, draw a line and move on. Don't let it get to you too much, but I don't know anyone who would be happy about their hubby doing that. And the woman should really know better than to pull the 'poor pissed up me' stunt with a married man.
Yes mrsKaola, if he had a twin room booked I'd have thought it would have made sense to offer to share with a colleague beforehand. . To share costs and make the most of it etc. Which makes his story more suspicious.
Why was he the only one staying? Why hadn't he offered the spare bed before to someone until 'suddenly' this drunken women was foisted upon him at the end of the evening?
I probably differ from you in that I'd expect my DH to offer beforehand to share with a male colleague not a female one.
I think maybe if I knew the colleague myself, if she was a mutual friend that we were both relaxed and comfortable with, and it was a prearranged thing for good reason, and not a works event, that may be different. Eg i can see the sharing on a yacht trip scenario, But a drunken work colleague, you don't know?? V suspicious.
Snoop - whereas i just don't understand how anyone could give a shit about this. I don't see what him being a 'married man' has to do with her being drunk and upset. Unless people think their H's are such an amazing catch, that women would engineer this situation. Maybe i've just got a H no one else wants?
But she lived near enough for him to drop her home the next day! Why didn't she get a cab? Strange solution to a non problem
Also, he gave her a lift home the next morning I see.
Can you imagine the conversation in the car? 'so will this be Ok with your wife?' 'I guess this will cause some gossip at work' etc .
<cringe> at my DH having those sorts of conversations with a women 'the morning after' even if nothing happened.
He shouldn't have put himself in that position.
hhmmm i suppose it depends on the office/type of work. I can see that conversation being cringey, but i doubt DH would ever have it. It just wouldn't occur to him and i think he would be shocked if anyone suggested it. He also works in an environment where this would not be noticed or any big deal and also i know all his colleagues.
The whole "everyone else disappeared" thing suggests to me that his comforting of her was a little more exclusive than was strictly necessary.
People who fancy each other often contrive to be the last two left at the end of the night.
I really don't like this. Of course it is perfectly possible for people to share a room and "nothing happen" in the PIV sense (or even a snog) but something happened in the sense that... the OP's husband shared a room with another woman, when there was no need, when they were drunk, and is now making out that the whole thing is trivial, or in other words, that the OP's feelings about it don't matter. (that is how I interpret "not a care in the world")
The only way this makes sense is that he wanted to share a room. So many other things he could have done.
Why? for fun? to continue the party, late night giggles and raiding the mini bar? Misplaced KISA complex? Frisson of unaccustomed intimacy? Don't like any of these ideas much, and we haven't even got to shagging. But I really don't like that the OP minds and he is minimising it, because who knows what this is leading up to? How many boundaries will he be able to cross eventually if he keeps at it with this sort of modus operandi?
My ex shared a room with a colleague after a works do. Yes, he shagged her, but st least he had the decency to tell me.
I think if you trust him, then trust him fully and don't worry.
I think it was very kind of him to help someone who was very upset but could she have just caught a taxi home instead? Was it very far away and too expensive taxi cost wise? Or maybe he was a bit too tipsy and made the wrong choice about what to do. He obviously felt responsible for her welfare.
Some very differing opinions here and differing relationships - which of course is a good thing.
I think that the key is in the OP's title - she wants her DH to be remorseful OR understanding. Whilst many of us disagree over whether or not he has anything to be remorseful for, I think OP needs her DH to understand that this conduct is not appropriate to her in her relationship.
I am impressed that many of you are happy to share beds with friends, colleagues and even exes and for your partners to do the same. However I wouldn't change my expectations regarding this issue because personally sharing a bed or bedroom with only my DH is a sacred thing to us. Perhaps OP feels the same way.
yes mrsstewpot. i agree. however, i don't understand how you marry someone without knowing whether they are the type to mind.
To be honest, I know DH would move Heaven and Earth to not share a room, with a drunk, overly emotional, sobbing, party-pooper woman...it would be his idea of a Living Hell.
I genuinely would have thought most blokes would feel the same?
And, I think if a bloke did this, they would have to be staggeringly, staggeringly disingenuous to not think it might cause confusion, doubt, upset and stress afterwards.
Agreed mrskoala generally you should know where your partner stands on this pretty early on.
this an adult woman? and she can't be in a hotel room alone or in a taxi alone because she's too upset? bollocks
or just married to me Laqueen
i accept i don't have a jealous or suspicious fibre in me tho. too arrogant i think. someone would be a fucking idiot to cheat on me, and in that case i don't want them anyway!
actually op does your dh always get a hotel room for nights out or just this one time when a woman stayed with him? I just find the whole situation very odd tbh
why would it matter if you briefly woke when he came home?
This doesnt look good. My DH would never do this. Its just wrong on so many levels.
He has told his story <which is full of holes> to cover his tracks, before someone else tells OP. I really hope Im wrong. Good luck OP.
Haven't read the replies so sorry if it's been said but above and beyond whether you trust him or not he left himself a bit wide open - to either gossip if it gets found out at work or if she was drunk and made a pass at him and he turned her down she could make anything up - far fetched probably but it happens and I think you need to protect yourself from those things. I wouldn't be happy. He should have stuck her in a taxi in view of everyone else there.
that's what I think and hehas put op in the situation where if she questions him she is the unreasonable one. because he told her a version of events without being prompted. and no,like someone up thread said he doesn't have to call op and ask for moral advice. but if he cared about her feelings he walked have checked.
The OP has said she believes and trusts her husband that nothing happened. That's not so much the issue than that she wants him to realise it was an unwise and possibly hurtful and worrying action with wider consequencies.I don't think it's helpful to be putting thoughts of shagging or an affair into her mind.
And Mrs Koala, I'm glad you are so confident and right on that this would be no problem for you and making out that those of us who would feel uncomfortable (to say the least) with this are repressed, uptight, ridiculous or in crap relationships (compared to you and your Oh of course).
Agree with Hairy in that how fucking upset do you have to be, that you can't function in a taxi
I don't really believe the op believes that though. hence the thread. her bull shit alarm has gone off and she wants to talk it through.
takes off amateur psychiatrists hat why would he have to wake them by coming home? he's never got up for the loo at night? I'm not trying to stir, Im actually really not the jealous type at all but then dh has never put me in this kind of situation where I would need to feel insecure like this. he is being very manipulative and typical of a cheater in pretending he can't see why op would feel uncomfortable with situation too
Even if nothing happened...the OP's DH is pretty damned naive, and frankly stupid putting himself in such a potentially dangerous situation.
Alone, in a hotel room, with a drunken woman who is off her face, and emotionally distraught (supposedly)...she could potentially say/do anything. And, he would be incapable of proving otherwise.
Silly...very, very, very silly
he's been very conscious if crazed drunk woman's feelings but has no empathy for his wife's. he us being an arse at the very least
my phone just chooses if of or us at random
This is the most unlikely scenario ever, I have never found myself alone in a hotel room with a male colleague for the very good reason that most people don't go to hotel rooms late at night, drunk, with their male colleagues.
It's just not plausible, I can't think of any similar situation in my own life or anyone I know, and whilst I am not the jealous type, I probably would start to be if my husband started coming home with -made-up-- stories of distressed women who just had to share his hotel room.
Have just run this by DH...he said, I quote 'Why on Earth would he want to share a hotel room, with her?'
I then offered further information, and he shrugged and said 'Oh, right, well in that case then he's covering his tracks'
When the OP said about everyone disappearing I thought that it didnt sound right. I would say it was more likely the OPs husband and OW waited till everyone had cleared off and then disappeared off to their love nest. How disrespectful of him to think the OP would believe his story
like lequeens dh the last place in the world I'd want to be is stuck in a hotel room with some drunk hysterical drama queen who stresses so badly when she has an argument with her bffs that she can't even get in a cab
Yanbu I would be very pissed off, boundaries crossed and him not listening then putting her in a taxi
Imagine how awkward it will have been in the morning, did she cry all night ? What actually happened ?
I have to say I would be suspicious but thats just me, you can see his face and maybe tell if he's lying
Not just listening then putting her in a taxi
So he took the quickest, cheapest and most straightforward way to ensure that the colleague was safe and not alone, drunk in the middle of the night. Sounds like she ought to buy the husband a pint and the wife a grip.
Opposing genitals are not like magnets. If you have no reason to think he's cheating, he's probably not cheating. If he was cheating and you were unlikely to find out "everyone else disappeared" he'd probably lie.
He's done something kind. Give the guy a break.
Yeah hes a proper saint alright
This story is justs the sort my dh used to come out with we got divorced and he carried on having affairs with other unsuspecting poor woman
They are sort of like magnets, in that they tend to attract one another and proximity increases attraction.
Mrs Koala - some of us have endured cheating men in situations like this. Would you leave yourself drunk, stranded and no way of getting yourself home? Would you, emotionally upset and drunk think the most sensible option would be sleeping in a bedroom with a man you barely know?
You are clearly more open minded and liberal than anyone I know. I salute you!
lol at 'magnets'
I agree with MrsKoala too. If this is the kind of thing that bothers you, that's totally fair and your spouse should respect that. I'm just surprised to see that so many people think it's automatically or inherently a bad thing to have done. I think most people I know would have done the same as the DH -- someone else earlier referred to it as 'no one gets left behind' and that's exactly it.
I worked in bars for many years and we were very good about taking care of very drunk women because it is insane how many people get attacked/robbed/raped on the way home, including by taxi drivers. Nothing like having a policeman come into your bar and tell you a woman left last night so drunk that she couldn't fight off her rapist.
The OP is best placed to know whether her DH is the type who would feel protective over someone that drunk, or whether he's more the type who would run a mile from a drunk crying woman. If he's the latter, then the story doesn't make sense obviously.
A lot of this depends where you live as well. It wouldn't be unusual for my husband to stay overnight if he goes into town as we live in a village and the last bus is 12 and taxis are expensive and hard to find, due to the size of town. Quite often you would have to book in advance.
It also depends on what type of colleagues they are. If they are mates at wrk, no problem. If he is the boss and she a worker, maybe more of a chance of office gossip.
As a teacher, no one would bat an eyelid at work if I shared a room with a colleague... Unless it was the head, I guess!
Agreeing to share a bedroom with a drunk male colleague when you are plastered and apparently vulnerable would strike me as far more risky in terms of sexual assault or rape than getting a taxi.
If she was so in need of help that she couldn't cab it alone, why on earth was she left alone with him?
Haven't read all the posts but the girl sounds an absolute wet. So upset by a row with colleagues that she can't get home in a cab?
And was the DH the only one to book a room? What about the rest of the men?
I would be massively suspicious about the whole thing, no question.
Agreeing to share a bedroom with a drunk male colleague when you are plastered and apparently vulnerable would strike me as far more risky in terms of sexual assault or rape than getting a taxi
He could have just got her a cab, or, given her the room and found himself a colleague to bunk in with. That's what any decent, self respecting married man would do out of respect for his wife and kids. He's trivialised the situation and is making out it's no big deal. The majority here agree it is most certainly a big deal.
The thing I'm pondering is why did he tell OP? He could have not bothered at all. After all, this could've happened to any of us and we may never find out. I've sat and pondered since reading this, all the work do's Mr Soup has been on. How would I know? I know his colleagues but they're not brazen or close enough to tell me something like that.
At least he told you OP. Many of us are taken by surprise from being too trusting. Can't wait to run this past DH later and get his take on it!
Sorry BB i never meant that. As i pointed out, i accept i don't care about this. I accept others do. I don't recall saying any of those words you appear to have projected onto me (i was trying to be a bit light hearted about no one wanting my DH so not having to worry). I just wanted to point out to those who said they 'Don't understand how this wouldn't be an issue' that to some people (like me) they 'don't understand how this would '. it was just a contrary pov. I could say, to those who say these things are 'sacred' etc, is that not also implying that because it isn't to us, that DH and i have a less sacred, exclusive, special relationship? But i didn't read that into it as i understand that people are different.
I was just giving a counter point and if anyone feels i am being right on and trying to make them look 'uncool' then it is wildly off the mark. I'm an old married woman! - hardly a hippy giving out free love <boak>
It has nothing to do with whether DH and i have a great relationship - i have been told by many on MN that we don't. Each to their own. I have not meant to imply in any way that anyone who feels this way has a crap relationship (compared to my fantabulous one of course) and i think your post is defensive and a bit unfair to me.
I have not read the whole thread but would find it hard to accept this excuse. Why couldn't he share with one of his male colleagues and give this woman his room. Was she totally incapable of going home in a taxi on her own. Apart from being a strange thing to do, he left himself wide open to office gossip at the very least ,to say nothing of the things this woman could accuse him of. All seems a bit odd to put it mildly , what would his reaction have been if you had done the same !!!!!!
I agree with AThingInYourLife (page 4)
And I also suspect it it a pre-emptive strike to cover a lie
I can't think of one single woman out of all my friends and peer group, imcluding my 70 year old mother, that would believe this crock of shit story. Not one.
I think YABVU. I've been in a similar situation and when people have had a few drinks then maybe they don't go through all possible scenarios - like him getting a cab cos you might be miffed giving woman the room etc etc
Spare bed, no harm done, not a big deal. He was helping out a colleague. You either trust him or you don't.
Did he really have a spare bed in his room. Try and find out what his room number was and then ring the hotel and ask them now many beds are in that room
ok,maybe taking it too far
Again regarding trust, Lots of people saying it would be fine with them because they trust their DH/DP.
At what point would their actions give you cause to question that trust?
How far could they take it before you wonder is that trust is misplaced?
I'd have been suspicious the minute he told me he was booking a hotel room to avoid coming home late and waking me. Sounds seriously fishy to me before you even get to the female colleague in the same room bit.
Yes, ask to see the bill. No reason for him not to give it willingly, since he claims to have done nothing wrong and since it's quite reasonable for a married woman with a small child to be about a DH in a room alone with a female colleague. You can probably track the room number from that. Interesting that he booked a twin at the outset. if you're going to pay extra because there's no single available, why not go for a double rather than twin? Much more comfortable. If the DH is lying on any material count (such as the twin thing) he deserves all the grief that will then come his way.
Amber Leaf I completely agree with you on that point. Trust does frequently get broken. I'm always amazed by women who refuse to believe it could happen to them. The trust is clearly there as OP didn't question the need for a hotel room in the first place! It's good to trust, but when the alarm bells ring, you shouldn't ignore all possibilities.
I will say though, sometimes hotel rooms, double with sole occupancy - they give what they have left I.e. twin/double. I wouldn't read too much into that but easy to check if you feel the need.
Yep but the bill would still say single, if that was the booking.
It would be one thing to ask for the bill if he hadn't mentioned the whole knight in shining armour scenario. but since he has, it's fair game. Single would be ok on the bill, twin maybe and double definitely not. He'll have an e-mail confirmation of the reservation too. I suggest OP asks him to retrieve it from his deleted folder
Maybe there are photos of the party on facebook? OPs OH must think he will be caught out somehow. He has been planning this liason for a while. Maybe it has been going on for a while?
All the people saying "he should have just put her in a taxi" I do agree with this. However, on a number of occasions I have been told getting a taxi alone late at night as a drunk young woman is unsafe. I also know a friend of my mum's who didn't like her daughter being alone in a taxi for litterally about two minutes after the driver dropped her friend off. So I suppose if she has been taught this, she might have been scared of being in a taxi alone.
I actually think being alone with a drunk male colleague could be a more dangerous situation!
I think it is fair enough for the OP to say to her husband she is not happy with this, and does not want it to happen again, or wants to be informed if it is going to happen again.
I do think booking a hotel for the end of the night is a bit excessive, particularly if no-one else was doing this. Is this usual practise for him on nights out? I have to admit I might be looking on facebook to see if they looked particularly cosy before hand, or asking others for their version of events.
Would he be fine with it if the situations were reversed?
Sorry for lack of response had to go to work, and then the playground and then catch up!
Dh regularly books a hotel if he is going to drink - I have a phobia of sick, so much so, that him being drunk and in bed would keep me awake!
I know he had a family room with 2 beds without needing to check as that is all the hotel has, so no spy work required!
But really not worried about the intimate relationship thing - as others have pointed out you don't need a room for that! And I trust what he says.
However, I really don't like him sharing a room with a women - again for lots of the reasons others have raised.
I think have calmed a bit since this morning though, although it still makes me upset that he has put me in this position! It was much easier to trust him, when I didn't have to worry about him sharing a room with colleagues!
Sorry op, I am another who would not believe this story for a second.
I have to say, I hate Mr Soup getting home hammered, reeking of booze and snoring....not sure I'd want him to stay in a hotel either...I just send him to the sofa!
Glad you've calmed OP. You are a better woman than I. I'd have gone bezerk by now! For making me worry, for putting himself in a risky position and for not kissing my *rse given his stupidity.
Confused a hotel only with twins? Is it a tiny B&B? Only twins sounds most unusual. The whole thing sounds most unusual to be fair, including his getting himself into the position he claims he got himself into and your unquestioning trust. I really do think you're having the wool pulled over your eyes and may well come to regret it. It sounds to me as though you're being taken for a mug.
Yellow I think she said it only has family rooms which have two beds in, not a twin?
I do agree though that the OP is having the wool pulled over her eyes.
Been pondering this...am a pretty clued up, married woman who has seen a lot of the world, in her time.
I have decided I don't buy this. And, my DH would have signed his own Death Warrant, by putting himself, and me, in such a predicament.
I really don't think this means the husband has been having an affair, that it was planned or a spontaneous shag, I can see how it would happen if both have been drinking and not thought through all the downfalls. But the husband was a fool and unthinking of the OP and all the Possible consequencies. You can't be sure it's bullshit or a cover story so why try and upset the OP when she says she trusts his version.
I would not be happy with this at all. Yes the woman is upset, but he's not her husband/boyfriend he's your husband. I understand that it's not the fact you don't trust him, it's that he couldn't either come up with an alternative or at least check with you first. There are just some things you don't do when married, regardless of trust.
I think that whatever the husband did in this situtation he would have got in in the neck on here.
Begonia the only person upsetting the OP is her OH! What are you going to do now OP?
I don't buy this either but even if it's true your DH should accept you don't like it and agree to never let it happen again.
OP I think you have let him off lightly. I trust my DH implicity but even if the situation is 100% what he says I would be angry at him for being so monumentally stupid as to put himself into that position.
DH would never do anything like that - he would be terrified to be in that situation, probably to the extent of paying for a taxi himself and giving her the room just to avoid being alone with her.
Regardless of what actually happened and his story is pathetic enough to have the ring of truth about it, everyone at his work will think they shagged.
I'd be checking his texts and emails for a while but don't tell him oh and I'd tell him if he values his marriage then for the forseeable future he either doesn't get drunk at work events or if he does he comes home and sleeps on the sofa.
A hotel with family rooms only is a pretty rare hotel too I'd have thought. Why go for a hotel with family rooms only if you're a man on your own? It just doesn't make sense.
I don't think anyone is going out of their way to upset the OP. It just seems such an untenable story that a lot of people assume the DH is lying. I certainly do. And he sounds a rubbish liar at that - he needs challenging on the facts.
the correct way for him to deal with this was by making sure she got home / somewhere to stay by lending her money for a cab / hotel etc.
There's no way that work colleagues should stay in the same room. This will be gossip at his work and people will assume that something happened. 2 + 2 = 5 etc.
I know he meant to be the nice guy and help her, but ultimately he will become the subject of office gossip and people at work will lose respect for him if they think (wrongly) that he cheated on his family.
sorry, but that's how I would see it.....
You can't be sure it's bullshit or a cover story so why try and upset the OP when she says she trusts his version
No one is trying to upset the OP.
When you are in a situation it can be hard to see things objectively, especially when someone you love and have trusted is presenting something as the truth.
From the outside this scenario looks iffy.
The OP continuing to trust him doesn't mean nothing happened.
But it has to be said if she wasn't questioning this and fully trusted him, she wouldn't be posting in the first place.
I agree with everything LaQueen has said
< Lazy >
The most sensible course of action would be to see the woman safely into a licenced taxi and make sure he pays the driver.
I can't see why anyone would prefer to spend the night with a drunk, sobbing (and possibly pukey) colleague...putting their reputation and their job at risk.
It doesn't add up for me either and I'm a fairly laid back sort of person.
I used to manage a hotel that had only family rooms. Funnily enough, we also did a heavy trade in banqueting and events such as company parties.
It sounds really suspicious to me too, I'm afraid.
It just seems a little too well planned out (this includes his 'drunk woman' story). Does it not just sound very pre-planned to anyone else?
I respect those that say they would trust their partners with this situation, but it wouldn't be something I would be particularly happy with.
Just read the whole thread and I'm not going to pussy foot around: I think the whole story is a pack of lies.
The lack of a good reason to book a hotel in the first place (OP if you're emetaphobic why doesn't he just sleep on the sofa? Was it originally his idea to start the habit of booking hotel rooms when he goes on piss ups?)
The fact that there is absolutely no good reason why, of all the many and sensible options available to him (put her in a cab, lend her some money for her own room, call her mates, etc) he chose to pick the one most likely to look dodgy and most likely to upset you.
The hotel that only has family rooms with two beds sounds very suspicious.I've never heard of this before. Do you know this hotel OP, or are you taking his word for it?
For all those reasons, and the fact he's trying to minimise it and make you out to be the unreasonable one, I wouldn't trust him as far as I could throw him.
Erm, call me old-fashioned, but is it not possible for a grown man to choose NOT TO DRINK so much that he likely to puke?
I'm not saying this guy sounds guilty of cheating or not - just that I would be annoyed with him for being a bit of an idiot and not thinking.
...the risk of being in a room with a colleague is a really stupid thing to do. He can't do this again. Women are notoriously bitchy / gossipy at work. If this woman has already fallen out with other female colleagues, then no doubt they'll be loving the salacious gossip.
All it takes is for a few of them to say, "did you know that X (girl) ended up staying in Y's (OH's) hotel room that night" with a bit of a raised eyebrow .....
Tell your OH that he was an idiot for doing this, and that he must distance himself from this colleague at work from now on as I am sure every time people see them chat at work, everyone in the office will be looking at them to watch out for any body language clues of a possible relationship.
good luck with this all. it doesn't mean he's done anything wrong, but he needs to be more professional as a work party is still 'work'. x
What kind of work is it when the work party involves getting so drunk that the employees are likely to be sick? Indeed so sick that they can't even get home? Weird kind of work.
See, the key thing for me is that this is a works do.
DH has several close female friends. Since we've been together, he has spent the night on their floors after parties I wasn't at. I have to say it's not my favourite thing for him to do, but I trust him, he was friends with them before he met me, and also if it really really bothered me, I'd say so and he'd stop. Because he cares about my feelings.
But a works night out is something different.
I work at a public sector institution with v v strict harassment policies etc. I can't imagine sth like this happening at work, but if it did, I would not be at all surprised if management had a quiet word. Even if they didn't, it would be Noted and might be a factor in determining things like promotions. A workplace has a right to expect people to behave professionally.
E.g., I could give my (male) boss a big bear hug on a night out and it wouldn't be anything sexual. But I just wouldn't... it's inappropriate touching. In a professional relationship, you just maintain certain boundaries.
Mind you, I cannot imagine anyone getting so drunk they were ill on a night out. They'd frankly be regarded as pretty childish and more than a little embarrassing.
He would have to be very very naive not to realise that it would look suspicious. In fact, it's just not credible that any man, of any age, married or not, could be that 'naive'.
It sounds like a lie that's been given a coating of truth to make it fit the known facts. The woman was drunk and fell out with some friends so missed her lift. That's probably the true bit. Your dh 'comforted' her and it went too far, now everyone at work will be gossiping and he knows that it might get back to you. So if someone from work rats on him - 'your dh and 'x' spent the night together' - he hopes he's already covered that with the story he's told you.
If you don't want to believe it that's your prerogative but I personally couldn't stand having my intelligence insulted to that degree.
someone mentioned earlier that you could call the hotel and check how many beds are in the room that was booked under your OH's name. I think the person who posted that comment did joke that it might be taking things too far, but then maybe that's a good way to check his story.
would a hotel give out that sort of information to you over the phone? I have no idea. Maybe worth a phone call ... a lot of comments here that this is a lie to cover something up. The thought of that (not knowing for sure) must be awful.
I agree that on my works parties no-one has ever been so drunk that they ended up vomiting and hysterical. Your bosses are there, work parties are not time to have a piss up and let your hair down. My husband doesn't get that drunk that he vomits either, to me that's the sort of thing students do and then you realise it's not much fun for anyone and makes you look a prat who can't take his/ her drink and has no self control.
If a woman posted on here
"I've drunk too muchat a work party, and fallen out with the friend I was getting a lift home with and don't know what to do"
that anyone would suggest
"how about finding a married male colleague who has a spare bed in his room" as a sensible answer. Most people's answers would involve phoning a taxi or a sober friend, or paying for her own room for the night.
I haven't read the whole thread, sorry if it's already been covered, but how did staying in the hotel with him solve her problem?
She still needed to get home the next morning, using the same cashpoint and taxi's that are as available at 2am as at 9am - if anything it's just more embarrassing at 9am as she'd be wearing the night before's clothes.
if I had a spare bed and ssomeone I knew (and trusted) was in need I woukd offer it in a second, male or female. BUT, and this is a big BUT, I dont get so drunk on work nights out that I cant go home.
I would not be happy if dh was very drunk in a hotel room with a very drunk woman. That is a very dodgy situation to be in all around.
Those of you saying he was naive and it wasn't a great idea; the guy was drunk. Everything seems ok when drunk.
I think he could have arranged a cab home for her, or let her have the hotel room and caught a cab home himself.
If the situation were reversed and you went out and got pissed then gave some needy bloke a bed for the night in your hotel room, how would your DH feel?
I suspect he may smell a rat.
"It sounds like a lie that's been given a coating of truth to make it fit the known facts. The woman was drunk and fell out with some friends so missed her lift. That's probably the true bit. Your dh 'comforted' her and it went too far, now everyone at work will be gossiping and he knows that it might get back to you. So if someone from work rats on him - 'your dh and 'x' spent the night together' - he hopes he's already covered that with the story he's told you.
That's exactly my interpretation Yellow
And, I'm a pretty laid back kinda wife, who happily waves her DH off on many an overseas stag-weekend, and plenty of long golf weekends away.
Also if I got really drunk at an office party, and ended up going back to a bloke's room, and things went a bit far, and there was a chance of gossip getting back to DH...then I would tell exactly the same kinda story.
I'd aim for a casual, pre-emptive strike...with the added benefit of making me look like I was just being kind/caring - therefore giving me the moral highground, and making DH look like an untrusting, mean-spirited twunt if he doubted me.
yellow I agree about the insult to intelligence. That's the thing which would piss me off far more than the playing away. It's adding a very major insult to injury. Such arrogance.
Agree with LaQueen. I am a trusting wife, but that's because DH has never given me reason to doubt him. If he told me a story like this, I would smell a rat.
Sorry OP but it seems a bit fishy to me. Ok, his colleague was upset, but why did that render her incapable of getting a taxi/calling her DH/friend/whoever to pick her up?
The thing is, even with the sob story about her row with her mates and everyone else buggering off leaving OP's DH to deal with her and he oh so conveniently happened to be the only one with a hotel room, even with that backstory there is still no good reason why he had to invite her to spend the night in his room.
It sounds like she lived fairly local to the event. Putting her in s licensed taxi and loaning her the fare is all that was required here.
The elaborate backstory is an attempt to deflect from the fact that there was simply NO NEED for her to sleep in his room.
Yep Madonna, in the OP's DH's shoes, I would work hard at normalising why I ended up sharing a hotel room, all night, with another bloke.
I would over-exaggerate how distraught the bloke was, exaggerate how drunk he was... 'I was just really worried that he'd be sick, and choke on his vomit, you know' etc etc.
Except, of course you simply can't normalise this scenario, no matter how plausible you try and make it sound.
You know what OP, my DH would do something like this for one of his female friends at work if they were very drunk, to try and ensure they didn't get themselves into bother on the way home. He would come home and tell me and I would believe him. If he wanted to cheat he would have lots of opportunities in life to do so, but I don't think for a minute he would.
Perhaps with hindsight it wasn't the best position to put himself in, but I can sort of see why he might offer.
Is he friendly with this woman at work or not?
I reckon he outright told you about her to avoid being caught. Because if someone were to report back they had seen them going into a hotel room together, he's covered himself. I would not be happy about it.
I think he was lovely to offer but abit silly to have put himself in a position where even if his wife trusts him - others at his workplace might assume that something happened - it's not just about him being trustworthy but her also - she could have claimed anything and your husband wouldn't be able to defend himself against her accusations. He was just being helpful and kind (provided he doesn't end up in this sort of situation very often with same woman!) buut she should really have been able to sort herself out without his help. She should take extra money with her or asked to borrow for a taxi home. I think I would be more concerned about the possible situation he has placed himself in and be angry at her for not being able to take care of herself.
The man who is hanging about at the end of the night offering to let drunk, upset women share his room is not usually all that lovely.
AThing - read the OP, that is not quite what happened! Having works with lots of guys over the years, I can well imagine they all making a dash for it when a drunk upset workmate came their way!
pleasethanks there may well be a difference between what the DH said happened and what actually happened. You're falling into the trap of conflating the two.
I'm with LeQueen: the bloke is lying to the OP to cover up the obvious evidence of a fling.
I'd be very upset if my dh did this even if he told me straight after. It's just not normal for a married man to share a room with another woman after a night out. Maybe I'm just very old fashioned but it would've been much more decent of him to give her money for a taxi.
She is not his responsibility.
Also who knows what kind of person she is. He could be facing allegations next!
We all have mobiles now.. Either of them could've phoned someone to pick her up.
I can't see that it's the least old-fashioned LadyApricot. Expecting a married man not to share a room alone with another woman is merely expecting him not to behave like a single man, since he has certain commitments. It shows an utter lack of respect to his wife even if he didn't sleep with the other woman. And if he did sleep with her or even intended to sleep with her but found the drink had rendered him incapable, then this very weak story is an extra but very weighty slap in the face.
This bloke needs confronting head on.
I don't know if he shagged drunken woman or not. But the situation was a absurd and unneccessary. Drunken women could have been poured into a taxi and sent home. TBH she was behaving like a child and I think she needs to grow up a bit.
As I said earlier there will be unpleasant rumours doing the rounds at work now. And he was being totally unfair on his wife to do this - regardless of whether they DTD or not.
Yellow - None of us know exactly what happened. For any of us to come up with scenarios outwith what the OP posted, well, that is not helpful really. We simply don't know.
I asked DH what he thought. He said he'd do the same, "if someone's in a bad way, you help them out." That's what I expected.
I haven't come up with any embellishment of the original scenario please, I've merely drawn obvious inferences from that scenario. Either he didn't but put his wife in a seriously invidious position, or he did and he's a cheat, or he intended to but couldn't and is just as bad a cheat.
Obviously inference #1 is the best for OP. But even #1 makes him an absolute dick.
Well in 291 posts i've yet to see one that explains why the woman couldn't go home in a taxi. If for some reason he was worried about her travelling alone he could have gone with her in the taxi and then taken it back to hotel. That would have been kind and lovely.
I feel sorry on your behalf op because you sound like a genuine trusting person and I personally think you're having the mick taken out of that in a big way. To answer your original question I think he is deliberately not showing remorse because otherwise that might make him look guilty and he wants to brush it all off as quickly as possible.
In your position I would make him sit down and explain it all again in detail including the the taxi question. If you still think it's genuine after that then the least he can do is sincerely apologise and in future come home and kip on the sofa with a bucket next to him - like a normal person!
Confusedmummy2 - there have been so many posts about your dilema. What are you going to do now? Have you spoken to your DH, what did he say? please let us know what happens.
Well I would absolutely trust my husband to have not had sex in this event.
But I would think him an absolute fool for putting himself in this situation.
I didn't come up with any scenario outside what was posted.
This man admits he was the last man hanging around when this drunk woman was upset and offered to help her by bringing her to his bedroom.
Some people thinks that makes him sound like a hero. I think it makes him sound like a creep.
I think a decent man would have wanted to get her home safely, not get her into a room where they would be alone all night.
I don't think OP will be back. No doubt this isn't what she wants to hear. But I think she might want to review her boundaries around trust. Trust is earned by behaving in a trustworthy way. OP's DH didn't act in a trustworthy way. He acted in, frankly, a suspicious way.
I'd advise OP to dig a bit deeper. At the very least, don't let the subject slide on his insistence. He was inappropriate and out of order and he knows it.
OP trusted that her husband hadn't cheated on her but was upset that he couldn't see why she might be upset, why do so many people want her to think differently insisting she's been had for a fool. This is a real person, so many people insisting her husband is cheating could be very upsetting for her. Are you going to be there holding her hand or just have some fun and a bit of gossip and whiling away an hour on the internet at her expense.
Why do so many need to convince her she is a fool and is being cheated on?
Begonia it seems such an obvious deception on the DH's part that it seems kinder to disabuse OP, or at least make her think.
I'm certainly not having cheap fun. I don't think others are either.
Imagine the situation reversed. "So there was this guy who was really upset so I said he could stay in my room". Just imagning DH's face now reacting to that...
Or if you were the woman concerned, would you accept an offer to stay in a male colleague's room, unless you fancied them and wanted something to happen? Eh, no.
No one's having cheap fun. The OP is upset because she knows it's inappropriate, she knows he knowingly violated her boundaries, and yet he's trying to minimise the OP's feelings.
The fact is there was no reasonable excuse for why that woman had to share the DH's bedroom under those circumstances so the DH is trying to manufacture one. That in itself is disingenuous.
OP's allowed to feel how she feels. And she's right that she's owed an apology.
BB, if a friend in RL came to me with this scenario and asked my advice, I would give what the majority of women on this thread have given
I certainly wouldn't pat her on the head and say "you know your hubs, hun" (or words to that effect)
It would be a shit friend that did that
If it was the other way round i wonder how blase he'd be about it all OP?
All he had to do was put her in a Taxi. Very odd to offer her a bed for the night in his situation. And i'm pretty laid back but...alarm bells.
So in answer no, yanbu to be a trifle miffed, no.
It depends on the friend anyfucker
If a couple of my friends said this in real life, I would be worried, but I can also think of a couple of friends where I know the husband wouldn't have cheated, it would have just been a stupid thing to do.
what ever the dh did or did not do... I think people should stop speculating that by staying in the room with her he left himself own to false accusations by the woman. why the assumption that women are always out to falsely accuse men? women rarely make up sexual harassment claims against work colleagues or "cry rape"
GON, how can you possibly know that some bloke who is married to a friend of yours definitely wouldn't have cheated in this scenario ?
And some people on this thread are reinforcing the flannel OP has been fed by her husband about what a knight in shining armour he is
None of us know anythijg about what goes on in other people's relationships
But I would give an honest opinion if asked directly if I thought someone was being naive and too trusting about a fairy story that is clearly bollocks
Begonia - the op hasn't been on the thread since yesterday so presumably is dealing with it her own way. I haven't seen anyone trying to have fun at her expense so there's no need to be so sanctimonious.
I think it's a discussion worth having: if you trust your partner how far are you prepared to extend that trust and when does it tip over into willful ignorance.
The couples I know were my male friends first and I know they would never cheat on a partner, just like I know which of my female friends are capable of 'cheating'.
These ar friends that I have been to uni with, I have lived with and I know them incredibly well.
I really hope that my friends in life would know that I could sleep in a room full of naked beautiful men, but I wouldn't cheat on my husband.
what ever the dh did or did not do... I think people should stop speculating that by staying in the room with her he left himself own to false accusations by the woman. why the assumption that women are always out to falsely accuse men? women rarely make up sexual harassment claims against work colleagues or "cry rape"
He did leave himself wide open to false accusations though and that's a fact.
No-one here is 'assuming that women are always out to falsely accuse men' though...so I dont' know how you got that from the replies here.
The thing about these sorts of situations is this, you can't ever prove something didn't happen. I am not suggesting for one second that something did. I am really not.
What I am saying is your Dh put himself in a position which is open to speculation however wrong it is.
I have a mate who is male and a secondary school teacher, he would NEVER put himself in a position where a female pupil could make an allegation against him.
Your husband has possibly been seen going with this woman to his hotel room. There is no way to prove nothing happened, the facts are, he was in the room all night with another woman.
Give over, GON, no one can know another person to that extent
I don't even trust myself not to cheat 100%
The world is full of people who said "I would never do x, y and z"
And then they did
I wouldn't believe the story either.
Everyone I have ever known who has been cheated on trusted their husband/wife. That is the problem. Not many people see it coming or believe their partner would do that to them. How many times do you hear people who have been cheated on saying they trusted their partner 100% before they found out? pretty much 99.9% of them.
I trust my husband as he hasn't done anything to make me suspicious but if anything like this happened I would question it. I trust him until he gives me a reason to be suspicious and this would give me a reason to set off alarm bells and question it further.
OP you do not have anything approaching the full story here.
But LOL at the thought of the room full of naked beautiful men. The word 'pulsating' would probably crop up in a more detailed description of such a room
Are you going to be there holding her hand or just have some fun and a bit of gossip and whiling away an hour on the internet at her expense
I don't think anyone is having fun at the OPs expense.
I know that if she were to find out he had cheated, there would be lots of advice and handholding from MNers.
Why do so many need to convince her she is a fool and is being cheated on?
I think the general consensus is that the OPs DH is taking her for a fool, not that she is a fool.
I think people are trying to convince her she has been cheated on, because that is what it looks like.
If her husband has he wouldn't be the first and definitely won't be the last.
GON - I suggest you read some of the threads on relationships, and wise up. anyone who has a libido can cheat. Some individuals are very honourable and would do anything not to let themselves get into a situation where it was going to happen.
In my opinion sharing a room with a member of the opposite sex, could be innocent but could also be playing with fire. Especially if either party has even the slightest attraction to the other.
You are all speculating and embelishing. Yes, it cannot be proved that he did not cheat, but also it cannot be proved that he did.
Having thought about it some more, if my DH were to do this, and I have said upthread that he might for a very good female friend who was v drunk, he would have called me that night to explain/ask. And he would understand if I was bothered by it, which if I knew the woman in question, I probably would not be.
It is unfair for posters to be saying he cheated, you don't have the full story, there is more to this than meets the eye. Yes, those things MAY be true, but we don't know. Perhaps just think about how you word things and stop throwing accusations around.
Haven't read any of the comments but taking this at face value, you should be thankful you are married to such a kind, considerate man.
Should be more of them in the world.
OP let us know how you are doing?
"I haven't read the whole thread, sorry if it's already been covered, but how did staying in the hotel with him solve her problem?
She still needed to get home the next morning, using the same cashpoint and taxi's that are as available at 2am as at 9am - if anything it's just more embarrassing at 9am as she'd be wearing the night before's clothes."
It says in the first post that the OP's DH took her home the next day. Presumably in his car when he woke up and was sober enough to drive.
I sincerely doubt that op's dh is trying to cover something up. It was a silly decision, not the end of the world, and I wouldn't lose sleep over it. Not everything is always so sinister. Men can control themselves you know .
"The couples I know were my male friends first and I know they would never cheat on a partner, just like I know which of my female friends are capable of 'cheating'."
I think you're pretty disingenuous Girl.
IME, an awful lot of very decent-seeming, nice, family guys will make a pass at you, given the opportunity.
I've always, always been very much a One Man Woman. Never flirted in my life. If my DH is in the room, then other blokes don't really exist for me (Gerard Butler, notwthstanding).
But, in my time I have been propositoned shall we say, quite a few times. By naice husbands, that I have known for years and years, that we have holidayed with, and I've baby sat their children.
I was absolutely stunned when they made a (drunken) pass at me. Stunned and horrified - I would have bet my life, that these were naice, decent blokes who would never do such a thing
You know what would piss me off more than anything?
My DH doing something so staggeringly stupid and thoughtless, that it would cause hundreds of people (well, MN-etters) to doubt his integrity, to be suspicious, to think he'd been unfaithful...and, if I spoke about this to friends IRL, to see the consternation, and doubt, and pity on their faces.
I would hate that. Even if I was 100% certain he hadn't actually been unfaithful (which you can never, ever be, by the way).
I would find that just about unforgivable.
I'm not sure why you find me disingenuous. However, I would actually stand by my judgement of my friends.
I am astounded by the fact that you have be propositioned by more than one friends husband! We must hang in very different circles.
You never, ever know what is going on behind the scenes, no matter how well you think you know someone. Family, friends and spouses.
No I am aware of that, but I think that there are types that will not cheat. For some people, its just a no no. Just like for some, they find it easy and for some they would sleep with anyone if the chance arose.
Anyway, thats just my opinion and its not anything to do with this post particularly.
I'd say I'm not the type to cheat and never have, not even a kiss in 18 years orzo. I still wouldn't say I'd never do it though.
I honestly don't think cheating is about type as much as it is about situation or circumstance.
OK there are some people who are serial cheaters and ever more shall be so but for those who aren't, I think the right (or wrong) chain of events could lead to it for anyone.
Interestingly enough a number of the people I know who have had affairs were extremely vocal beforehand about how they would never cheat and how dreadful and unforgivable such behaviour was.
the room thing I would be OK about if I trusted him - it's a nice thing to do.
What I find odd is "He takes her home the following day."
Why this? Why take her home the following day?
Still simply being Mr Nice Guy?
Is this woman so woefully incapable of getting herself home even the next day? Did they have breakfast together first etc.
It could be so overly pathetic on her part and over involved on his to take her home the following day. Or does she live enroute/around the corner and your DH drove and she didn't?
It could still all be completely innocent of course! But I think it's weird he feels an ongoing sense of responsibility for this person.
A nice thing to do? Seriously?
I have of course got drunk, by umm accident, with work colleagues.
If one of the guys then said, ' why don't you stay in my hotel room?' I would be 'erm, just help me get a cab please...'
Good point about driving her home.
They must've woken up together, hung out while they used the bathroom and sorted themselves out, maybe had breakfast together...
It's just too intimate and cosy. Not on at all.
And yeah, if I was drunk and a male colleague invited me back to his hotel room, there's no fucking way I'd go unless I was single an fancied him.
This thread is neverending. Another point is the OPs OH books hotels all the time when he is drinking, another red flag.
I know, Cheryl........ I also want to know where this guy works where people get legless on nights out!
Sounds like MadMen.
Yes, also, I hadn't really thought about it from the
OW's female colleague's POV - why why why would you do that with a colleague?
I remember once being incredibly drunk as a student and a random male friend(also drunk) crashing on my floor. Even then, at 19 and with no 'professional reputation', I found it uncomfortable and wanted him to leave as I just didn't want to be staggering to the loo in the night with a random person there. Cannot imagine this scenario as an employed adult.
OP is long gone, and still it rumbles
I can guarantee one thing in all this, the OP doesnt stay at hotels/ go to jollies all the time, if at all, and is left at home with her dd, while her OH does his thang. So unfair. However he will do it as long as she accepts it. Sad but true.
Cant see the OP coming back.
If the OP had mentioned that her DH had previously been unfaithful, then there would have been a bucketful of LTB type responses.
However that is not the case.
Instead we have a thousand nosey parkers judging some bloke they have never met upon a few lines written by a person who has already admitted they do not believe the 'crime' has been committed.
DH and his Whitehall civil servant colleagues get ratted on nights out, not all the time, but I'm not aware that they have inappropriate relations going on, much. As for the politicians, well...
When I was a bastard lawyer in the city it was de rigeur to drink like a fish, as long as you didn't get too messy. As a paralegal I'd start drinking wine on an empty stomach straight from work and be asleep in a corner somewhere by 9 o'clock. Not in the corner of a married man's bedroom though...
oh, I dunno
Op invited comment and advice, on an open forum
it's not really about "nosey parkers" is it ?
complex OP told us the facts and the more astute Sherlocks amongst us have indeed deduced the OPs OH is guilty of making up a story.
His story just smells like rancid kippers though. Decidedly fishy.
"it's not really about "nosey parkers" is it ? "
You may be right. I'm not sure what else to call it when so many posters choose to make up bits of a story that they have no evidence for, and then draw a conclusion.
CN... I would call that "reading between the lines"
whether you agree with the outcome is entirely a subjective thing
I have been drunk, of epic proportions, many a time in days or yore...But, I would never have accepted the offer of sharing a hotel room, with a bloke I wasn't in a relationship with.
And, I would have been pretty if they'd suggested it to me.
IMO, OP would not have posted on here if she wern't suspicious. This can't be easy to read, but she invited comment by posting.
Agree with jamie and anyfucker. if my husband came home with a story about a night out and sharing a bedroom with a drunk female colleague who lived down the road and I believed him I wouldn't start a thread on AIBU about it.
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.