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To think my in laws should visit when it suits us?

(89 Posts)
bottleoffish Mon 04-Mar-13 17:58:01

My in laws live abroad and then travel from there to another country for most of the winter, every winter without fail, regardless of what else is happening in the family. That's obviously their prerogative.

I am due to have a baby (not my first) in October. When Dh told MIL yesterday she said that they would come and visit at the beginning of November then, before they go away for the winter.

Due to their previous laziness and rudeness and treating my Mum like their servant when they came to stay, as well as making my children from a previous marriage feel uncomfortable, I have told DH that they are not welcome to stay in the house any more, so would have to find a hotel whenever they stayed next.

However, DH will be working during the day after his paternity leave and so if they come at the start of November, ever they stay in a hotel, they will want to spend the days at out house and I just don't feel up to entertaining them with a two week old baby whilst trying to look after other children and trying to establish breast feeding. They will not help out at all and are very judgemental about any mess, so I will also feel pressured to keep the house spotless.

I've told DH that its best if they stay when he has time off work, although due to their plans over winter, this would mean they wouldn't see the baby until it is 4-5 months old. They didn't meet DD until she was 4 months old anyway and they have only seen her once other than that and she is now 21 months old. They are busy with their lives and that is fine of course, but I don't feel their grandchildren are a priority for them and because of that I don't see why I should put myself under stress just to keep them happy.

AIBU?

bottleoffish Mon 04-Mar-13 17:58:33

Sorry for the typos. blush

HedgeHogGroup Mon 04-Mar-13 17:59:23

God no, you're def not unreasonable. Tell DH to tell them!

aldiwhore Mon 04-Mar-13 18:00:57

YANBU. Although it does sound like your relationship is a bit tit for tat... that's understandable.

Granitetopping Mon 04-Mar-13 18:07:43

Goodness no - YANBU! They sound like hard work. They don't seem that bothered with your DD, so why should you put up with a visit just because its convenient for them?

Wishiwasanheiress Mon 04-Mar-13 18:36:39

Not sure I know why u are asking.... Does dh not agree? Or are u genuinely confused?

Obvs not bu tho

Xmasbaby11 Mon 04-Mar-13 18:39:00

YANBU. They can wait til the end of winter.

DublinMammy Mon 04-Mar-13 18:46:18

YANBU, you need time to get breast feeding established/ get to know your new baby/ get the other DC happy etc. it's their choice to go away for so long and that's fine but you are NOT obliged to agree to a visit just because it suits them. Oh, congratulations by the way!!!

Ionasky Mon 04-Mar-13 18:57:42

YANBU, it's a shame that they make you feel like that and aren't really planning to help you out. Given how you know it's going to be based on last time, it seems sensible. If they were saying that they'd come and take all your other DCs out every day/try and lighten the load, you'd probably think different.

bottleoffish Mon 04-Mar-13 19:00:08

DH doesnt really agree, he just says its not until November and we'll talk about it nearer the time. I think he initially thought I was just being a bitch as he wasn't here when my Mum was here and they were rude to her. However, last time they stayed he did notice that the words please and thank you were missing from their vocabulary.

He is still very much the 'child' in his mind to his parents and feels he shouldnt disagree with or disrespect them in any way, no matter what.

I know that come November he'll be angling for them to stay or at least still visit but stay in a hotel.

bottleoffish Mon 04-Mar-13 19:01:59

Ionasky, they don't so much as make their own cup of tea while they are here, although in FIL's case it's vodka and coke or wine from 11am... hmm

ChaoticisasChaoticdoes Mon 04-Mar-13 19:05:14

YANBU The very fact that they treated your mum like a servant means you are not unreasonable.

AThingInYourLife Mon 04-Mar-13 19:06:16

Tell him he has to grow up now that he has children of his own.

He is disrespecting you by asking you to spend all day entertaining his rude parents while he works.

You are his wife, you will have a newborn baby.

You come first.

They are not invited. They are not welcome.

And he needs to make that clear to them however he sees fit.

ChaoticisasChaoticdoes Mon 04-Mar-13 19:08:30

Thinking about it, if your DH insists on his parents visiting in November then he needs to find some way to get time off work so he can entertain them.

Agree with Thing he needs to grow up and he needs to start putting you first.

Pilgit Mon 04-Mar-13 19:14:10

Your DH is not obliged to take paternity leave straight away as the baby is born - I can't remember the time it has to be taken with but it doesn't have to be the two weeks after the baby is born. I know that it wouldn't be ideal for him to delay it but he could do that and be there to entertain/wait on his parents. But no YANBU, they sound truly dreadful.

MiaowTheCat Mon 04-Mar-13 19:15:20

Oh god I get stuck with the "announced" visits when DH is at work (I get no input into if it's convenient or not - drives me up the wall) - and it's fucking awful - you feel under such pressure and scrutiny with it. At least when hubby's there he can take some of the weight of making the polite conversation and entertaining - but yep YANBU

YANBU. My ILs are the same, inviting themselves to stay at our house when it suits them, rather when DH can be off work. Some times he hardly gets to see his parents because they won't consider coming any other time than when it suits them. Fortunately they're not as much of a nightmare as your PILs, but difficult in their own way.

YANBU.
"DH doesnt really agree, he just says its not until November and we'll talk about it nearer the time." No, you want to talk about it now. And it's best to tell them as far in advance as possible, so that there can be no "but we already bought the plane tickets!" wailing. They don't get to visit unless he is there to provide a buffer, anything else is unfair on you (and your mother). He either rearranges his leave/holidays to be there in November, or they don't come until after winter when he will be there. He does need to grow up, he is a father now and that should define him more than being a son.

ChasedByBees Mon 04-Mar-13 19:33:11

He's trying to defer it so you'll have to agree with their plans. I agree you need to sort this now. YANBU.

Doha Mon 04-Mar-13 19:44:57

You could tell your DH that if he is working while his DP's are here you will be taking yourself off to your parents during the day (if live close by) and will return at night when he will be able to entertain them.

CloudsAndTrees Mon 04-Mar-13 20:18:09

He's definitely putting it off to back you into a corner where you can't say no. I would tell him once, calmly and clearly that you will not be entertaining his parents when he isn't around.

Then pre warn your mum that you might be staying with her in November. When it comes up nearer the time, tell your DH that his parents are only welcome to be around you when he is. And stick to it.

Yfronts Mon 04-Mar-13 20:20:50

Take charge now. Don't depend on DH to man up and ensure your needs with a newborn are met. He obviously doesn't really care about your early days with a little one.

Email IL's and DH and just say sorry you can't do November at all (with no explanation) and what other months can they visit?

Yfronts Mon 04-Mar-13 20:21:45

Keep it casual and friendly but factual - November is not possible at all.

HollyBerryBush Mon 04-Mar-13 20:22:11

I have told DH that they are not welcome to stay in the house any more

Unless hes a cocklodger you have no right to pontificate who stays in equally shared house.

maddening Mon 04-Mar-13 20:26:36

Could he take annual leave after his paternity? Maybe suggest they could come for a week but only if he is off work otherwise no?

Yanbu - he can't expect you to entertain his parents when he knows they are socially inept and unpleasant so he would definitely need to be off work if they were to darken your door.

Inertia Mon 04-Mar-13 20:27:09

Yanbu, at all. You will be caring for a newborn and other children - the last thing you need is a couple of judgmental lazy arses to run round after.

Completely agree with Whereyouleftit - either DH takes time off and PIL stay in a hotel, or they visit in spring, or you decamp to your mum's.

hwjm1945 Mon 04-Mar-13 20:54:35

Yanbu. Sort it now.he is hoping to present it as a fait accompli come November.

ButteryJam Mon 04-Mar-13 20:59:47

Yanbu.

Ionasky Mon 04-Mar-13 21:40:01

gawd - that's a tricky situation - shame DH didn't see their behaviour at first hand, but in general he can see they're not exactly committed grandparents so your needs should come first as they are definitely not providing help and are going to be adding a burden to you by visiting.

angeltattoo Mon 04-Mar-13 21:57:49

YANBU.

But 'They won't even make a cup of tea' could work to your advantage. DO NOT offer, or run around after them. DO NOT wait on them in the slightest.

That said, DH needs to man up and tell them it is not convenient. As someone said, don't leave it until nearer the time, as they will book their travel. And if they turn up, just refuse to see them without DH being there. And make DH host, feed, water, whatever them, while you concentrate on your newborn and other DC.

Lockedout434 Mon 04-Mar-13 23:07:02

The baby might not come on your due date. You might not have the baby till very near to them arriving. So you might put them off by saying its too uncertain for November see them in July after their hols.

bottleoffish Mon 04-Mar-13 23:14:48

Hmm...

Well. I've tried to talk to him about it as I was worried that MIL would try and book flights soon. DH said that it was fine, they could stay in a hotel. I pointed out that even if they did that they would still want to visit during the day and I would have to run around after them. I said that of course they could visit, but it was better when DH was off work anyway, as then they would see him. Then DH suggested not taking paternity leave immediately after the birth (which IMO would make getting BF established impossible, I had a dreadful time at the start with DD, including mastitis twice in the first three weeks and because it is due to a physical problem in my case I will undoubtedly get it again as the only way I could stop getting it was to dry up one breast and only feed from the other side) but two weeks later when PIL came to stay.

I can see why DH would suggest this, but I just see it as changing our plans to suit them yet again. He cannot take any time off work other than his paternity leave and allocated leave dates, so after paternity leave his next time off is Christmas and then Easter.

He has now gone off in a strop to stay in his office. I feel like I am fighting a losing battle here. He just cannot recognise how awful his parents can be. I really liked them when I first met them, but as I have got to know them better I have realised how toxic they are. sad

Goldmandra Mon 04-Mar-13 23:31:01

Your DH may want to see his parents and show off his new baby which would be quite understandable. However he can do that in the evenings when he has finished work.

If his parents want to visit on November tell him they are welcome to be there when he is around in the evening but that you won't be inviting them to the house during the day. You will have far to much to do already without playing host to people who won't lift a finger to help.

I wouldn't feel that I had the right to tell my DH that his parents couldn't come and visit to meet their new grandchild but I would feel perfectly within my rights to say that they could only visit when he was there to look after them.

The will then have a choice;

1. Come in November, entertain yourselves during the the day and visit early evening only.

2. Come when the baby is older and bottle will be able to play host to you during some of the days too.

3. Come at Christmas or Easter and your son will be available every day.

AThingInYourLife Tue 05-Mar-13 07:20:21

He's a bit of a shit, isn't he?

Apple doesn't fall far from the tree it seems.

It would appear that he agrees with them that you and your mother are fit only to serve them.

bottleoffish Tue 05-Mar-13 07:40:40

He's actually usually lovely AThing, it's just this weird thing that his parents can do no wrong. I just don't get it when they've been so awful. The first time I met his Mother, at one point when my DH left the room she said that she knew his first marriage wouldn't last as his ex wife was too good for him!!! Who says that about their own son FFS?!

I'm not impressed by it all this morning. I understand they're DH's family, but I've also just realised that the reason they wanted to come in November is the same as last time, they have to fly back to the UK to go away for the winter, it's cheaper that way and they are also planning to see BIL and SIL's baby, due in the summer, for the first time then.

DH has gone away working for the day, I haven't seen him and suspect he'll remain in a strop now. I'm tempted I email MIL myself, I don't think he'll say anything... We have been here before really.... hmm

lljkk Tue 05-Mar-13 07:47:02

they would still want to visit during the day and I would have to run around after them.

No, you don't this is your first mistake, sorry, why in the world would you run around after them?

Allow the house to be as noisy, chaotic and messy as you like. Leave kettle & teabags, and tell them to fend for themselves. If they ask for food you give directions to nearest shopping precinct.. Bark orders at them about putting their tea mugs and plates in the dishwasher the moment they are done (as though they were children). Or even directions as to how you like things washed up. As well as FIL's coke& Vodka empties in the bins. You should start bossing them around, and if they don't like it, they can ask your DH to take some more leave or they can make other plans.

frazmum Tue 05-Mar-13 07:53:23

Why can't they just visit for a weekend when DH will be home (but still have them stay in a hotel)? They get to see the baby, DH is there to wait on them and you only have 2 days of putting up with them.

diddl Tue 05-Mar-13 08:00:24

Well if they do come,I wouldn't doanything for them.

In fact I might even just have some meals in the freezer for myself & children.

They can sort themselves out or sit on their arses waiting for their son to do something.

The reason my ILs have never visited us is because my husband would never promise to be off work for the full time that they were thinking of visiting for...

lljkk Tue 05-Mar-13 08:02:29

Alternatively, by the time baby is 2-3+ weeks old you can go out to toddler groups every morning, with soft play as an option, too. You don't know when you'll be home but leave your mobile number so they can find you to visit with their grand-DC and of course fit in with whatever routine you'll be in. Would love to hear about FIL chugging his vodka+coke at soft play.

And then there's parks to go for lovely walks in, bit of play on the beach.

lljkk Tue 05-Mar-13 08:03:55

Will DC1 be in preschool, by then, that's another big chunk of your day running around. Meet up with friends in nice cafes and text back to the inlaws to let them know when you'll be home with older DC, after that DC's had lunch and nap of course.

Mydelilah Tue 05-Mar-13 08:05:15

YANBU. My pils came to stay when DD (PFB) was 4 weeks old. I was really struggling with the latch and spent the entire 2 weeks they were there (we lived abroad at the time hence v long visit) shut away with DD in my bedroom as BFing involved letting it all hang out and a lot of pain!

Ideally your pils would come at Xmas but at least they want to see you and get to know your NB which is a good thing right? I think the suggestion they come for a 4-day weekend is great, you would only have to put up with it for 2 days on your own.

My parents also travel a lot - they cancelled the holiday of a lifetime in Aus so they could be around when DD was born. Difference being I wanted my mum around at the beginning wink

Jux Tue 05-Mar-13 08:30:53

YANBU at all.

Just be more assertive. You don't have to be superwoman. Don't do anything for them, ask them for tea/coffee etc. have them run around for you. They can nip to the shops to get all sorts of things for you - breast pads, for instance. Use them.

If complaints are made about the state of the house suggest they tidy it up. Give them some ironing, gardening, cleaning to do.

You are busy with the baby. When you want to feed, if you have to let it all hang out, tell them you need privacy and ask them to leave. I'm sure they'll find things to do in the local area...

olgaga Tue 05-Mar-13 08:45:44

I agree with Yfronts.

You are entitled to consider this and come to a decision that you feel the scale of the visit they suggest is inappropriate.

You are entitled to make your view known to them - especially when you obviously can't trust your DH to do it.

So write/email them yourself. Tell them it will be too difficult in November to accommodate the arrangements they have suggested, so soon after childbirth, and ask them to revise their plans and visit when things are more settled.

Take charge!

LadyPessaryPam Tue 05-Mar-13 09:03:36

I think you should email them yourself too. As olgaga suggests.

BlueberryHill Tue 05-Mar-13 09:14:04

I can understand the suggestions on asking / demanding that ILs do more to help or at least look after themselves. However doing so when someone is being obstructive or unhelpful is another drain on your energy / time etc which you don't need at that time.

I can see them wanting to see both new babies at the same time and save on airfares, however I would only help them out with that if they helped out, which they don't so don't make allowances for them.

Agree with other posters, you need this sorted asap or it will be a done deal and you will find it harder to deal with.

I actually would contact them myself. Cut out the middle-man, because he just ain't up to the job. He wanted to hand you a fait accompli is November, you hand him one now.

Tell them that November 'just doesn't work for us' but that <DH's holidays> are such-and-such a time, why not come then so that they can spend time with him too. Suggest local hotels they might find suitable to their needs.

And as for his strop - strop right back. Blame it on the hormones if you must, but make it absolutely clear that his stropping WILL NOT WORK and you will not be cowed into compliance with his wholly unreasonable expectations. You are his wife and you and the DC come first, his parents last second.

leaharrison11 Tue 05-Mar-13 09:34:38

If i was you id say november is no good for us, i could go over with the baby and still be recovering and bonding when you arrive and also your son will be working and i will be way to busy to entertain as well i wish i could, and also there will be boobs out everywhere be sure to put them off but say u can come of you like but stay in a hotel as newborn needs all space around the house and u will be to busy to entertain.

This is your family you do what ever you think is best if you dont want them there just tell them, if DH doesnt like it then tell him to bugger off with them for winter wink

Emilythornesbff Tue 05-Mar-13 09:44:42

Well, they're coming in November. They're not going to change their plans for you. How long are they visiting for?

I'd be tempted to suggest they stay in an hotel as you'll be "all over the place" and see that they feel welcome to visit I the evenings when theirson is at home to see them too. Make it clear that you aren't having visitors in the day.
Just be unavailable during the day. Screen calls or unplug the phone for example.
YANBU btw. But your ILs and your dh obviously think you are so you have to take control where you can.
Congratulations on your pregnancy and good luck.

lottiegarbanzo Tue 05-Mar-13 09:48:38

With DH, rather than focusing on how horrible his parents are, focus on how engrossed you will be with the new baby, while trying to look after the toddler too. Remind him how it was last time, mention other things that could happen this time; late arrival, CS, stitches (sorry!). Get him thinking about how absorbing, difficult and exhausting it will be and on making things work as well as possible for you. That excludes having house guests for at least six weeks in my view.

Of course he doesn't want to face up to the reality of his parents' behaviour. That would involve revising huge amounts of his personal history, relationships and identity. That's massive.

You could email / write and say 'thanks for offering to come and help round the house and with dd after I have the new baby. It's really thoughtful but it's just not possible for us to commit to those dates. The new baby could be late, we just don't know what condition we'll be in at that point. Why not come at Easter when DH will available and it will be more of a holiday for you?'.

Ooh lottie, I'm impressed! Very diplomatic!

Goldmandra Tue 05-Mar-13 10:16:45

I like Lottie's approach too except I would finish by saying "you are welcome to come at Easter when......." therefore making it clear that they are not welcome to come in November. If you ask why not they may feel able to tell you why not.

Herrena Tue 05-Mar-13 10:45:35

I think lottie's approach is the way to go, but may I suggest some additions to the email?

'thanks for offering to come and help round the house and with dd after I have the new baby. It's really thoughtful but it's just not possible for us to commit to those dates. The new baby could be late and we just don't know what condition we'll be in at that point. The early days of breastfeeding were hard work last time and we've been told it will be similar this time, which means I will have to spend 99% of my time sitting and feeding. That's not going to leave any time for housework, cooking or even making a cup of tea! I would really prefer for you to come at Easter when DH will be available and it will be more of a holiday for you. Baby will be around 4 months old then and much more interactive, whereas the newborn stage is cute but they don't do much'.

I have more or less highlighted the changes, I think.

I think we can draft a suitable polite-yet-firm email for you if you give us a chance and then your wishes will be in the written recordwink

bottleoffish Tue 05-Mar-13 12:31:24

Thanks.

The email is an excellent idea, thank you.

I still haven't heard from DH and the more I think about it all, the more cross I am getting. There are so many awful things his parents have done in the past and he has always stood up for them even when they have hurt me and he will never stand up for me. I have never once been rude or even slightly off with them in the interests of good manners and keeping the peace, but I think I've just had enough of it now tbh. sad

Cakecrumbsinmybra Tue 05-Mar-13 12:49:56

Why be so diplomatic? Whilst it may cause less grief, in my experience people tend to carry on with the same annoying behaviour if no one suggests otherwise. Instead of saying you want it to be a holiday for them, just say its not convenient. That you'll be breastfeeding and not up for any visitors for a couple of months. And be firmer with your DH over this.

Emilythornesbff Tue 05-Mar-13 12:52:57

That's a good point cakecrumbs

soundevenfruity Tue 05-Mar-13 13:04:00

It is perfectly understandable to feel the way you do now. To act on it and cause a rift in the family is not. I were in your position with my first child and I know how you keep anger going while deep inside you know it's not right. The biggest YABU goes to mumsnetters that fan emotions of pregnant women completely out of proportions.

soundevenfruity so you're basically saying that the OP should just put up with the poor behaviour of the ILs? That her feelings are less important than trying to avoid a rift?

I believe the OP needs to think about what suits her now. The needs of the OP and OP's baby are the most important things now.

Inertia Tue 05-Mar-13 13:53:50

The suggestion to email PIL directly yourself is a good one (and copy DH in on it).Clearly DH is not even going to suggest to his parents that those dates are not suitable. The one thing I'd add is the specific dates when your DH is on holiday at Easter, just so there's no room for misunderstanding.

You don't have to do what your husband says. You certainly don't have to do what your ILs say.

olgaga Tue 05-Mar-13 14:51:56

In my view these visits by family from abroad can be incredibly stressful. They think it'll be lovely to "hang out", and treat you and your children as a kind of entertainment. I've had my share of it in the past, and it's a total pain. I think you are entitled to insist that when guests from DH's family are visiting, he has to be around to entertain them.

Other people in your home for prolonged periods is way too much work at the best of times, let alone when you've just had a baby.

Yfronts Tue 05-Mar-13 15:29:26

Have you emailed DH and IL's to say you can't do November? Why does it have to go through DH? You care just as capable.

Secondly if they do end up staying, don't host at all. You have a new baby. Sit round and feed your baby and relax. Let DH organise food and ask IL's to help themselves to food and drink.

Downandoutnumbered Tue 05-Mar-13 15:29:26

YANBU. The person who's just given birth and is trying to establish breastfeeding gets the final say over who comes to visit, especially if the other person isn't even going to be there! I agree with those who say if your DH won't stand up to them, you need to email them yourself.

Agree with Olgaga: this kind of visit is a nightmare even when you don't have a newborn.

DontmindifIdo Tue 05-Mar-13 15:55:06

Just to check, where will they be staying when they come to see SIL and the new baby? Is that far away from you? If so, you could add on the e-mail "However, if you are in the country anyway to see SIL, BIL and DN, do let us know the dates you'll be staying with them and we'll try to visit on the weekend when DH is off work, obviously that assumes both the new baby and I are fit to do the drive." Let SIL host you all, introduce the new baby, everyone's happy? (If it's more than 2 hour drive, feel free to ignore this suggestion)

bottleoffish Tue 05-Mar-13 17:12:37

Well it would seem that the in laws thing is now a bit of a moot point and that actually DH is a bit of a shit.

He hasn't answered my texts or calls today, although I know he's got them. Presumably he's not coming home tonight either. How fucking childish!!! I'm also at high risk of miscarriage and he knows this. I am furious that he would behave like this.

Goldmandra Tue 05-Mar-13 17:43:34

Oh bottle sad

Does he stay away often? Could it be that something has cropped up and he can't come up for air?

If not this seems like quite an overreaction to you not wanting to play host to his parents just after giving birth.

Have you sent the email?

olgaga Tue 05-Mar-13 18:31:24

Sad to hear if indeed he does have a major strop on over this.

I would just email the ILs anyway, get it off your chest and make sure they and your DH know what you will and won't tolerate.

You are pregnant, and have a toddler to care for. That's enough. You can't be running around after an adult who refuses to take responsibility.

It does sound as though there's a bit more going on OP. Do you usually have to be this accommodating to his moods? It all sounds rather one-sided.

yanbu

your dh is being wet. you need to then your self they won't be welcome that early or at all if they are unkind to your older children! shock

if they live together they jointly decide who can stay in their home holly. so if she says no that's a no.

of any one who treated my children differently would not be allowed near any of them

LadyPessaryPam Tue 05-Mar-13 19:08:19

bottleoffish he sounds horrible. I would ascertain that he was indeed stropping first and then if he was I would ask him not to come home as you need some space from him to consider how you want to proceed. Do you have family that you can call on? I think all have got used to you rolling over and letting them have their own way. Time to call them out on this.

Jux Tue 05-Mar-13 19:13:09

Send the email direct to his parents.

Mostly, I would put up with quite a lot of crap and run about looking after ILs - well, I did - in the interests of keeping family harmony (and my dh would always leave me to it because he couldn't bear to be in the same room as his mum for more than 5 minutes and hated his step dad). So normally I would say you can't dictate entirely and compromises need to be found BUT

..... I do think that when you've just had a baby their convenience is irrelevant, especially as you know what it will cost you to accommodate it.

So send the email and let dh huff and puff. If he's so keen on the visit at that exact time then he can be there and do all the work. As he won't be there, it's down to you and if he wants to offload his parents onto you he needs to behave a darn sight better.

bottleoffish Tue 05-Mar-13 21:06:57

Thanks all, the replies really help as DH clearly still thinks I'm
In the wrong. He has text me now and says I am in the wrong for 'kicking off' about his Mums phone call and apparently making it clear I don't want to be with him if he speaks to his family, which is completely crazy as I have never said that at all and although we had a row about it, he started shouting at me when I tried to discuss it calmly with him. He's not coming back here tonight, although I don't want him here anyway.

I suspect his behaviour is an effort to control me and get me to change my mind about his parents coming, which I will not. I'm going to stop rolling over for any of them, I feel so angry right now about DH's selfish, thoughtless behaviour.

I haven't emailed my in laws as I don't really see the point tbh at the moment.

maddening Tue 05-Mar-13 21:20:04

Reply telling him not to be such a dick and he needs to sort out his priorities! Maybe not but the me that is angry for you would!

bottleoffish Tue 05-Mar-13 21:29:51

I've told him as much. He's going to bed now apparently.

It was my DS's birthday today too. sad

"It was my DS's birthday today too. sad"
shock

LadyPessaryPam Tue 05-Mar-13 22:06:24

I am so sorry you are having to go through this. Wish you all the best.

your ds' birthday?! oh no sad

i think you're right to not have them. but you don't have to deal with it right now. give it a couple of days, then email them. i don't think your dh has got it in him to stand up to them at the moment. it's a huge process to recognise your parents are toxic and it doesn't seem to me like he's begun walking along that road YET.

i think that you shouldn't explain why they can't come. it'll give them the opportunity to deny it and say they'll help and it's no bother. and then you'll find it very hard to still say no.

i'd say 'i don't think november will work this year, but please do come and visit at easter next year'. the less said, the better, and the clearer the message. no reasons to argue with.

soundevenfruity Tue 05-Mar-13 23:11:01

OP, do you seriously want to split up with DH over this? It's immaterial what people here advise you, at the end of the day you should be talking to him. It's spinning seriously out of control. As to who controls whom: you said his parents were not welcome in your house and you are trying to pull DH away from them because they are awful people. How would it sit with you if those were demands from him about your parents?

bottleoffish Tue 05-Mar-13 23:20:54

He won't talk to me, so there's not much I can do about that. I don't know what I want to do, but all of this and the way DH is behaving right now makes me think he has no respect for me at all and that is where the problem lies.

I don't want to 'pull him way from' his parents at all. I just simply don't want to have to wait on them hand and foot, especially when I have a new baby. The problem with them staying in the house is that DH can be called away for work at any time, which is how they came to be staying here when my Mum was here. DD was 4 months old then, waking lots at night and my Mum offered to come to help me. I don't really want to end up in that situation again, not least as my DM would not be able to stay this time.

Some of the things his family have done are unforgivable and yet I am still polite etc to them for the sake of DH. I would never allow my family to treat DH in the way his parents have treated me, but they just wouldn't do it anyway.

Goldmandra Tue 05-Mar-13 23:21:10

you said his parents were not welcome in your house

The OP didn't say this. She said that she didn't want to play host to his parents while he was at work and she was trying to care for a newborn plus other children.

OP, I hope your son didn't mind that he wasn't there. I assume that your DH is his step dad, not his dad.

I hope you can open the lines of communication between you and your DH soon.

bottleoffish Tue 05-Mar-13 23:26:12

Thanks Goldmantra. If DH was off work and willing to run around after his parents then that would be a different story.

soundevenfruity Tue 05-Mar-13 23:28:59

Goldmandra, this is from the first post by OP.

GingerBlondecat Wed 06-Mar-13 08:19:42

OP, I messaged you

((((((((((((((((((((soft Hugs))))))))))))))))))

GingerBlondecat Wed 06-Mar-13 08:25:45

I wouldn't blame the OP at all if she didn't want them there at all. But. That is not what she meant.

OP is NOT a slave to her inlaws and their Demand to be 'Hosted' especially when the OP will have a new babe in arms.

soundevenfruity ? Have you forgotten what a new babe brings.
I think you just Volunteered to help the OP out in her time fresh home.

Goldmandra Wed 06-Mar-13 08:46:11

Goldmandra, this is from the first post by OP.

She didn't say they weren't welcome in her house. She said they weren't welcome to stay in her house. Very different.

2rebecca Wed 06-Mar-13 09:12:23

He sounds unpleasant.
I think the inlaws are a minor problem at the moment. Your husband sounds controlling and unpleasant. You don't sort out problems by staying away and avoiding them, you come home and discuss them. I'd be questionning the future of the relationship. I would stop calling or texting him.

Cakecrumbsinmybra Wed 06-Mar-13 09:41:47

Oh dear OP, that's quite an extreme reaction from your DH. I do wonder, if he's so adamant they come when they want, why he can't change his plans. Perhaps he's terrified of saying no to them?

soundevenfruity, no one is fanning the emotions of a pg woman - just suggesting she acts now to trouble shoot further grief come November. personally, when I have a newborn I like to plan for life to be as simple for as long as possible! And to say she's U "act on it and cause a rift in the family" is bollocks, sorry. She is part of the family too, as is the new baby. If its not convenient, it's not convenient!

DontmindifIdo Wed 06-Mar-13 09:42:23

can you go and stay at your mums for their visit?

Ledkr Wed 06-Mar-13 10:14:48

Right listen. I had this all through my pregnancy and dh also was non committal and wouldn't set boundaries.
What followed is practically mumsnet legend and led to me getting pnd and everyone feeling uncomfortable including dd1 who was very upset.
It is two years later and I still can't forgive them for being so selfish and totally ignoring what we asked them to do. I had a section and a baby born with a cleft palate and they came expecting to stay and kicked off when asked to leave.
Dh did his best but should have had it set in stone long before.
Fwiw he still feels very guilty and upset that he let me down when I needed him most.
Could you show this to your dh?
Most mortifying for me was bleeding onto my joggers in front of fil and trying to pooh whilst they hung around waiting to use the toilet.
Fuckers.
A few mumsneters told me iwbu. I wasn't and neither are you.

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