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to tell my friend my DD has been invited to the party or will I look like im rubbing her face in it...

(55 Posts)
cubedmelon Mon 04-Mar-13 10:42:11

My DD (4yo) goes to infant school with a close friends DD. I had to collect DD early from school on Friday but received a text from my friend later that day saying that one of the boys in their class was handing out party invitations but only to the other boys and her DD couldnt understand why it was just boys invited and become a bit upset but my friend had reassured her it was only the boys.

Took DD into school this morning and the teacher had an invitation from the birthday boy for my DD, as she wasn't there on Friday afternoon the class teacher had kept it for her.

DD wants to go and id like her to attend but am concerned about my friends reaction. Am I being unreasonable to just be upfront and say DD has an invite, it will come out anyway im sure or does that look like im rubbing it in? How would you handle it?

My friend is lovely and id hate to upset her but her DD struggles to make friends and shes quite sensitive about DD being invited to things.

DIYapprentice Mon 04-Mar-13 10:49:22

You need to tell her, but tell her when your DD isn't there. Whatever you do, DON'T lie to her about it. I had a 'friend' do that - she didn't want to 'hurt' me. Then she looked like a complete and utter numpty when we went to the place on that day ourselves and saw them all there and I felt really hurt that she outright lied to me about going to this party (I need to say that I didn't actually know where or when the party was, or who was invited until I saw them all there - it was pure chance that we ended up going there).

sue52 Mon 04-Mar-13 10:50:34

Over the years there will be many parties that your daughter or her daughter are or are not invited to. It really is not worth getting upset about. I really would not bother to bring it up unless your friend mentions it first.

CloudsAndTrees Mon 04-Mar-13 10:57:21

I don't think your friend handled it that well by telling her dd that the party was just for boys, when she didn't know for certain that was true.

If it comes up easily in conversation, I would say that your dd got an invite, but I wouldn't go out of the way to make sure she knows. When you tell her, I'd make a point of saying that your dd does play with this boy quite a lot at school, and that's probably why she got invited. Even if its not true, it might help her understand that people aren't obliged to invite people they aren't particularly friendly with to their parties.

cubedmelon Mon 04-Mar-13 11:01:33

clouds it is true, youre right. My DD is a bit of a tomboy and plays more with the boys and friends DD is quite girly. Chances are if one of the girls at school was having a party my DD wouldnt be invited. I dont tend to get bothered by those sort of things though whereas my friend would.

I would never lie to her, never.

Thank you for the advice, I will be straight and honest if it pops up. smile

I would never ever lie

Crocodilio Mon 04-Mar-13 11:01:52

So was her daughter the only one in the class not invited? Because if so I would feel the need to mention the unfairness to the party organiser.

If the birthday boy has just invited a few friends including your daughter, def mention it casually to your friend, don't hide it.

DeWe Mon 04-Mar-13 11:04:52

I wouldn't bring it up unless she directly asks. But don't lie about it either. If she asks, you didn't have the invite when she first mentioned, so unless it's brought up again then I doubt they'll be any need to explain.

You would be unreasonable to stop your dd from going for that reason.

Her daughter (and her) will need to get used to not going to every party. Even if she goes to half the parties, then there will be several she won't be invited to.
What I got dd1 did was in her head put parties into "Would expect to be invited" (only 1-2 people in this category) "Might be invited" and "Won't expect to be invited". If she got an invite from the second two, she thought of it as a bonus, and if she didn't get an invite then she didn't worry.

Only thing would be if your friend decides to make a little outing for her dd at the time of the party so she doesn't feel left out (I've seen that suggested on here before) and asks your dd, in which case you will have to tell her.

MrsMushroom Mon 04-Mar-13 11:14:18

Yes...she'll have to get used to it. Soften the blow a bit by saying something like "But of course, X will get loads of invitations from girls when they have their girls only do's.."

DonderandBlitzen Mon 04-Mar-13 11:17:34

I wouldn't mention it but of course if she asks i would tell the truth. I do think people are very unreasonable to hand out invitations in front of uninvited children. I always give them to the teacher to put in book bags.

cubedmelon Mon 04-Mar-13 13:16:31

No croco I think it's all of the boys and only a couple of the girls, although I haven't really done much digging yet. I wouldnt be comfortable if it was everyone bar 1 or 2. That's a bit mean.

My friend was under the impression it was just the boys as when she was at school on Friday afternoon it was the boys with the invitations. My DD wasn't at school on Friday afternoon so my friend wasn't aware that my DD had, had an invitation.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Mon 04-Mar-13 13:17:16

Puts you in an awkward position and your DD will possibly be classmates for years to come with both children. Had your friend not raised the issue with you, I wouldn't bother mentioning it, but she has. If DD fancies going, she is bound to mention it to her friend so perhaps safest to say to friend's mother, "After what we said the other day can you believe it, DD has been invited, she's such a tomboy," rather than wait for them to find out shortly before or after the event.

cubedmelon Mon 04-Mar-13 13:42:57

Donkeys yes, I think thats a really nice, casual way of mentioning it actually. Almost joking really about DD being a tomboy. My biggest concern with not bringing it up would be if another mum mentioned it to me, when my friend was there, on Monday morning. I'd feel like I had deceived her (over something as daft as a 4yo party) but I know my friend is so sensitive to her DD fitting in.

I have to mention it really, the last thing I want is a wedge between us.

Think I will do it exactly as donkeys suggests. Thank you smile

bangwhizz Mon 04-Mar-13 13:44:28

I don't see why you have to say anything to the other mother

DewDr0p Mon 04-Mar-13 13:49:01

I like Donkeys idea too. Don't make more out of this than it is.

I do agree with pp's though - there will be occasions when your child will be invited and others not - and vice versa. It's just not feasible for everyone to invite everyone to their parties. I think as long as they are invited to close friends' parties then I try not to worry about the rest (with 3 at primary school my weekends/finances would be a total nightmare if they all got invited to 25+ parties a year for a start!)

diddl Mon 04-Mar-13 13:50:43

I think I'd also mention it.

Imagine how she'd react if she finds out afterwards that your daughter went to the party!

She does seem to be a drama llama, though-why on earth would she be texting you about a party that her daughter wasn't invited to, which she thought was boys only& was therefore likely to be of no interest to you eitherconfused

Floggingmolly Mon 04-Mar-13 13:55:35

If your children are only at nursery school, your friend needs to grow a thicker skin; she'll have years of needless angst ahead if she doesn't.
I doubt her daughters lack of invitation was a calculated insult, and she needs to teach her dd that it doesn't matter rather get them both in a tizz about a party for a child she doesn't even play with (why does she think she should have been invited?)
Your dd's invitation is no reflection on her dd. hmm

Floggingmolly Mon 04-Mar-13 13:58:42

I wouldn't see any need to play it down, either, as per Donkeys tomboy suggestion? Your dd was invited because the birthday child wants her there, end of. Your friend will have to suck it up.

WilsonFrickett Mon 04-Mar-13 14:07:04

I am very sensitive to party invites (DS has SN and is often excluded). I think something like Donkey's suggestion would work well. Not telling her would be very hurtful. And explaining too much (as another DF did to me) would make me even more aware that I am over-sensitive. (I know I am!) Just be bright and breezy and then move on.

However, if her DD is the only one not invited then that is really, really off.

cubedmelon Tue 05-Mar-13 13:05:44

Well, it hasn't gone very well. Saw my friend very briefly this morning (quite by chance at the shops), she bought up the party as she was complaining that it was unfair that just the boys had been invited; what message does that give children etc... I was really breezy and said "you won't believe it but DD has been invited! Proves she's a tomboy at school as well as at home!!" Tried to laugh it off. My friend looked quite angry about it and said "its a joke!" then made her excuses and went off to her car.

I feel bad, I think I had anticipated that this would be her reaction.

We had pre-arranged to meet at another friends at 11 for coffee and a chat and she arrived. She is usually very bubbly and friendly but seemed really flat (she has been arguing with her DH though of late).

She did make a couple of comments which I felt were negative towards me/DD/the situation....

She said maybe DD had been invited in error, DD's name can be shortened to a boys name and there is a boy with that name at school (It would be
like DD being called Danielle, everyone calling her Danny and there being a boy in the other reception group called Danny, ) my friend said maybe birthday boy had meant to invite male Danny rather than DD.

DD get naughty when she is tired and my friend also said "Imagine if your DD gets tired at the party and misbehaves." I said I was sure that even sons got tired and misbehaved but I would deal with it if it happened.

She also said she was pleased her DD wasn't going because she knew the boys mum and she would criticise the presents the other children took.

Im not daft enough to take too Mich notice of any of the above, it smacks of sour grapes but im starting to wonder if I should have just kept quiet and suffered the consequences. Im a bit disappointed by my friends reaction, I've tried hard to be fair and consider her feelings and she's trying to score points now. She is very sensitive over these things though, so I shall make allowances FOR THE TIME BEING!

Just wanted to update you all as you were so kind to offer your advice

atthewelles Tue 05-Mar-13 13:11:41

Your friend sounds like a PITA quite frankly and is sending her own daughter terrible messages. Is she going to behave like this everytime a child in the class has a party and doesn't invite the entire class? She really needs to grow up and stop acting like a four year old.

If this is her reaction when you are open with her imagine how she would have behaved if she had found out by accident that your DD had gone! I think you are right to ignore. If she takes every perceived slight to her child to heart she is going to have a miserable time during the school years.

MammaMedusa Tue 05-Mar-13 13:18:15

I remember being quite hurt the first time my son was excluded from a party as he was a boy and all the other babies in my NCT were girls. It can be painful the first time it happens, I think. But I certainly didn't say anything to anyone! And I learnt quickly!!

SunflowersSmile Tue 05-Mar-13 13:18:38

Gosh your friend sounds like hard work!
You did the right thing by telling her in a light hearted way. She is now being very childish.
Step back from topic. Nothing more you can do. She will have to have it out with poor Mum of party boy if she has a problem...

DeWe Tue 05-Mar-13 13:19:23

Your friend is out of order. She's upset and looking for someone to lash out at, but that's no excuse for trying to say she wasn't invited.
All children misbehave when tired-some more noticably than others.

It may be that she feels that your dd is always invited, and hers never. My observation is some children seem to get on every list-even those they're not friendly with. My dd1 was one of those. It got embarrassing occasionally.

Dd2 was the opposite-she seemed much more sociable than dd1, and didn't get invited from some she'd have considered close friends. That was upsetting for her, but very much treated it as "one of those things" and would never have blamed others for going-even though there was a stage where some of her invites did go to someone of a similar name-I know people I got a few apologies afterwards after the "wrong" child turned up. The "wrong" child's parents never knew, I'm very friendly with them and I'd never tell them.

If she says anything then sympathise that she feels she's being missed out, but don't feel guilty for your dd being invited. That's two separate issues.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Tue 05-Mar-13 13:20:37

Ouch well you tried to avoid hurting anyone's feelings. Perhaps you could have retorted "Imagine if your DD grows up to sulk and whine like her mum every time she doesn't get what she wants."

Hope DD has fun at the party.

nickelbabe Tue 05-Mar-13 13:27:18

yes, your friend sounds like hard work, but i actually think that you handled it badly.
your friend was quite obviously upset that her dd hadn't been invited and you threw it breezily in, oh, look, my dd's so popular with the boys!
i think you should have been nicer about it - maybe even apologised (in a british way, of course)
calmly gone "i'm sorry i don't want you to take this badly, but DD got invited. I didn't know that would happen and assumed it would be boys only, too"

wineandroses Tue 05-Mar-13 13:29:16

Op you did the right thing, because she had already mentioned it, so if you'd not told her about your DD's invite, she would think you were being underhanded. Your friend's attitude is quite unreasonable actually, and she really needs to get a tougher skin or her child's school years will be a nightmare for her!

If I were you, I wouldn't discuss it further with her. If she raises it again, either ignore or say something like 'I am sorry your DD wasn't invited, but there's really nothing I can do about that, so can we just move on please?'. She won't like it, but that's tough really isn't it?

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Tue 05-Mar-13 13:39:40

That would be a nice approach had OP not said her DD is keen to go. If OP told her 'lovely' friend about it in an apologetic, my-world-is-crumbling way, her friend might have expected her to add, "But of course we've turned the invitation so she's not going".

atthewelles Tue 05-Mar-13 13:44:22

Nickel I don't agree. I think the OP handled it as best she could. Why on earth should she have to give a big grovelling apologetic explanation as to why her daughter was invited to a party? If she keeps pandering to this childish friend she will end up constantly walking on egg shells around her.

HeathRobinson Tue 05-Mar-13 13:47:47

I think you handled it really well, cubedmelon.

diddl Tue 05-Mar-13 13:48:06

Wow-overreaction much??

FWIW, I think that you did the right thing.

I think it was always going to be a case of "damned if you do, damned if you don't".

My two-both teens now, have always had same sex parties iyswim.

What's wrong with that??

Not that we've made them btw, 'tis just how it happened!

I wonder if she's more upset about OP's daughter being invited than hers not?

Floggingmolly Tue 05-Mar-13 13:51:31

Dear God, she sounds quite unhinged hmm

diddl Tue 05-Mar-13 13:52:18

OP- I think you handled it fine.

She really is overthinking it.

What if it wasn't really meant for your child, what if segets tired?


Does her child regularly get excluded from stuff-because that's the only reason I can think of that it's such a big deal to her?

GreatUncleEddie Tue 05-Mar-13 13:54:41

It's not really your problem. You did your best to be tactful. Your friend is being obsessive. Don't give it another thought.

DewDr0p Tue 05-Mar-13 14:05:52

Wow she is very childish.

I agree don't give it another thought.

FakePlasticLobsters Tue 05-Mar-13 14:23:48

She's behaving badly towards you now.

I know it hurts if your child is left out and if she's having a hard time at home then perhaps that's added to the sting.

But it's not your fault or your daughters fault that her daughter has not been invited to this party and she shouldn't be taking her disappointment out on you.

You did the right thing by being honest with her, and her reaction doesn't change that. You were honest and tactful with her. I can understand her maybe being a little quiet if she's wondering how to explain to her DD that your DD/girls are actually going to the party, and is worried that her DD might feel hurt, but she has also been ungracious to you about your DD's invite and that is not right.

FrequentFlyerRandomDent Tue 05-Mar-13 14:35:49

Gosh. This is a nursery party invite, not a popularity contest or a reflection on your friend's values/parenting, etc.

We all have limited money/time to spend on such occasions and guest list is often arbitrarily culled. For example, my DCs would have their entire class plus some playground mates. I can accommodate about 7 kids for a birthday party.

You handled it well.

As a parent of a child who does not get invited to parties I can see why your friend was upset and reacted the way she did.

It isn't your fault though and it isn't about you. She is being unreasonable.

WilsonFrickett Tue 05-Mar-13 15:11:20

You do sound lovely. It sounds like this is a real hot spot for your friend. I know it's mine too but I'm (hopefully) a touch more self-aware than your friend is! She is going to have to work out a strategy for dealing with this kind of thing though because it will happen all through school and some parents just don't think.

For example, recently DS wasn't invited to a party, I don't think he was the only one but he wasn't far off it. I was upset because I always assume it's because of his SN. The next day (DS and I had both cried about it - separately of course!) the mother sat down next to me at a school thing and told me how exhausted she was organising everything for the party. Then she turned to the mother next to me (who's DS had been invited) and asked about travel plans. shock but all you can do is smile and nod.

I hope your friend works that out sometime soon thanks you did your best.

fromparistoberlin Tue 05-Mar-13 15:22:03

Oh dear, fucking minefield

Its NOT about you, she is projecting her adult feelings about life and rejection onto her DD nothing? I mean it, treat it like a non issue and gently say "Its not wrth getting stressed. we have years of this to go, and trust me one da the shoe will be on the other foot"

fromparistoberlin Tue 05-Mar-13 15:23:26

also they are 4! IMO kids this age dont discuss parties, who attend, who does not

they go, eat, and forget

If you are her mate rather than be annoyed try and gently coach her out of it

butterfingerz Tue 05-Mar-13 15:35:59

Wow, my dd is 4, in reception... she's been invited (some we didn't attend due to being busy) and not invited. I really don't care one way or the other, if anything, I don't like going to kids parties anyway. Is this something I should care more about?

ENormaSnob Tue 05-Mar-13 15:40:37

Your friend is a prat.

atthewelles Tue 05-Mar-13 16:06:35

She'll get a name for herself if she's not careful and will make her daughter unwelcome at parties as most parents will not want to get embroiled with her precious, hyper sensitive, 'everyone walk on eggshells around me' mother.

starfishmummy Tue 05-Mar-13 16:30:26

Good grief. Your friend sounds like she is still at infant school.
There are years of school ahead of her dd - so that's potentially hundreds of parties/playdates/sleepovers etc that her dd might not be invited to. She (the mother) needs to get a grip!!

StuntGirl Tue 05-Mar-13 16:39:47

Initially I thought you were making a mountain out of a molehill so I didn't comment. I apologise. Your friend is the one making mountains out of molehills (and sounding a bit loony with it). Christ, is she this sensitive about everything?

I'd be tempted to leave it for now but if she carries on sniping I'd have to ask "Is everything ok at the moment? You seem a bit upset lately, is there anything I can help with?" If it's issues with her home life she might open up, if it's just that she's a miserable cow you might be best letting this friendship slide. You don't need friends who make you feel bad and second guess every little thing you say to them.

Groovee Tue 05-Mar-13 16:47:40

Your friend needs to get over herself.

Yfronts Tue 05-Mar-13 18:57:20

What you said was very reasonable. The party was for boys and tom boys. It's just life that her DD wasn't invited. Not everyone can be invited to everything. Just don't respond to her issues or say 'I'm sure your DD will be invited to parties my DD won't be invited to'

CloudsAndTrees Tue 05-Mar-13 19:03:57

Thanks for updating!

Your friend is being weird. I know what it's like to have a child that doesn't get invited to lots of parties, but you deal with it and move on. This woman sounds like she's thought about nothing else for days!

Even if it was only the boys that are invited, why would that be wrong? Or if the boy just invited his friends, how is that wrong? Does she think parents of four year olds are obliged to throw parties for the benefit of everyone else's children but not their own?

What did she do for her daughters last party?

trixymalixy Tue 05-Mar-13 19:10:35

Nightmare. I think whatever you did your friend would have reacted badly. You handled it the best way and your friend sounds like very hard work.

cubedmelon Tue 05-Mar-13 19:11:11

Thank you for your replies, its nice to have support.

nickle I don't think I've worded my post as well as I could. I meant I said it in a casual, unimportant way to hopefully make her realise it didnt matter. I didn't say it breezily, like her feelings don't matter.

She's a great friend (usually) and id hate to fall out, I just know this is a sensitive subject with her. It matters to her a lot that her DD is liked and is popular. She does recognise this as a fault (when she is being sensible) and will quite often admit that she needs to care less about her daughter being popular. I think thats why I suspected she would react in this way.

There havent been any other class parties yet, as far as I know, so we havent been through this experience yet. There will be lots of parties coming up soon and she'll start to see other DC not being invited etc and im sure she'll settle down. I think it's because it's the first party.

Ive decided not to mention it again now to her. Let the land lie. Her DH can be a pain but he's very down to earth, maybe if they happen to talk about it tonight he may make her realise shes taking it to heart too much.

Thanks for all your replies though smile

giraffesCantDateDucks Tue 05-Mar-13 19:12:08

She sounds like she needs to get her own life and stop freaking out about her dds social life

nickelbabe Tue 05-Mar-13 20:03:32

okay smile everyone else thought I was being unreasonable anyway. grin
it's possible she's unhinged.
it's also possible that she was bullied as a child and is scared the same thing will happen to her dd.

cubedmelon Wed 06-Mar-13 16:40:37

Maybe nickle she is a very logical person in every other way. I get the impression that she was very popular at school, maybe she's afraid of the unknown (her DD not being popular being the unknown).

Thank you all though for your replies smile

thezebrawearspurple Wed 06-Mar-13 17:00:00

If you like her that much and she's usually normal, it might be a good thing to approach her about her overreaction when she's recovered her sanity. Other parents will avoid inviting her daughter to parties/playdates to escape nonsense from the crazy mother if she keeps it up. She might find herself creating the problem she fears most for her daughter.

You need to get through to her that while you can forgive that because you're her friend and you know and love her, others won't be so indulgent. To them she will just be unnecessary hard work that they can't be bothered tiptoeing around.

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