To not tell anyone bar DP when I go into labour?

(76 Posts)
Dannilion Sun 03-Mar-13 18:31:51

Just that really.

36 weeks PG with PFB and for some reason, I really don't want anyone to know when I go into labour. I feel like it would be an added pressure, I would get stressed out with the constant texts/phone calls and have this vision of DM turning up at the labour ward and pacing the corridors for what could potentially be days. Also, I know it's terribly pessimistic but if something (god forbid) were to go wrong, at least I wouldn't be being pressured for 'news', I could have a small bit of time to myself first.

I would much rather just call people when she has arrived, had her first feed and I am not covered in blood. I think it would be lovely to have that little private time just the 3 of us too.

DP thinks IABU, that my DM would be distraught if she didn't know and that it would piss other people off.

AIBU?

Dannilion Sun 03-Mar-13 18:32:16

Obviously I would tell people my plan beforehand

mrsstewpot Sun 03-Mar-13 18:34:02

YANBU - that is exactly what to do!

Good luck when the time comes!

Phineyj Sun 03-Mar-13 18:34:03

No YNBU but you will probably get loads of texts and phone calls asking if the baby's here yet anyway -- it seems to be inevitable...

delilahlilah Sun 03-Mar-13 18:37:49

YANBU. I didn't tell anyone other than DH. We just rang / text people as appropriate after he was born.

SkinnybitchWannabe Sun 03-Mar-13 18:40:01

YANBU, it's your labour so do exactly what you want. It's all about you, your dp and your little bundle of joy.
Good luck

Crawling Sun 03-Mar-13 18:42:18

I told my dm and thats it was hiding in the bathroom while in labour during the daily phonecalls asking if there was any sign while dp lied.

scrivette Sun 03-Mar-13 18:42:40

I didn't tell anyone although it was 4am. I had already decided that we weren't going to let anyone know though.

GregBishopsBottomBitch Sun 03-Mar-13 18:44:56

Yeah dont tell anyone other than DH, a friend had her PFB last year and one of her friends kept texting constantly for updates, its just rude to keep pestering a woman in labour.

freddiefrog Sun 03-Mar-13 18:46:47

YANBU

I didn't tell anyone that I'd gone into labour, DH rang round when the deed was done

We rang my mum when I had my second, but only because she looked after my eldest so had to meet us at the hospital at 2am

marzipananimal Sun 03-Mar-13 18:48:50

We didn't tell anyone. I don't get why you would tell anyone unless you need to for childcare or something. I got told when my sis was in labour and then had a terrible night's sleep worrying as it was a VERY long labour

zlist Sun 03-Mar-13 18:50:32

YANBU

It didn't occur to me to tell anyone. ILs knew as they were having our dog (mistake in hindsight - should have asked a neighbour!).

CruCru Sun 03-Mar-13 18:51:28

Realistically, if you do tell them and it takes bloody days, they will be completely shattered by the time it's all over. Kinder to let them know afterwards.

erowid Sun 03-Mar-13 18:52:26

This is my plan too. Just me, DH and the phone will be switched off.

MortifiedAdams Sun 03-Mar-13 18:53:07

I went into labour early hours of the morning. At 11/12 noon ish dh text both sets of parents to say I was in labour and would be uncontactable. we would call once settled back on the ward. dd didnt arrive til 4am the following day and we werent pestered at all.

Also, if you dont want to be pesterered, turn off your phones when in tge hospital.

Yfronts Sun 03-Mar-13 18:55:41

You are giving birth. He isn't, both your parents aren't either. The birth is about you and your baby. It's about a safe delivery and bonding. The whole event needs to be led by what makes you feel comfortable. A happy mother equals a happy baby. Anyone elses needs don't count one jot. Any midwife will tell you that. Your DH on the other hand should be concentrating on supporting you and making you feel relaxed.

Like almost everyone else I know, we told parents/friend a few hours after the event. We told people when we were ready post birth.

BikeRunSki Sun 03-Mar-13 18:55:55

With DC1 it was 11.30pm, so I only told DH.

With DC2 it was 3pm, so I rang DH, he had to tell his boss and immediate colleagues. As we were in the way to the hospital a friend I hadn't seen for ages rang so I told her. And my friend who took DS knew too obviously!

Yfronts Sun 03-Mar-13 18:58:11

Also telling people post birth meant they didn't have to worry/pester us. It was a done deed and our news was happy.

UnrequitedSkink Sun 03-Mar-13 18:59:05

Your MIL won't be annoyed because by the time she finds out she will be the proud granny of a brand new baby girl and all will be forgiven! What does your DH think telling her is going to achieve anyway? It's not like there is anything she can do to help!

Florin Sun 03-Mar-13 18:59:36

I went into labour 5 minutes after my due date at 5 minutes past midnight and ds was born at 6am. No one knew until we rang them after he arrived they were all surprised it had happened so fast, was nice just concentrating on us and knowing we would have a lovely surprise for them in the morning.

Neighbourhoodwatchbitch Sun 03-Mar-13 19:00:28

I didn't tell anyone... My mum text me at about 4pm that day and asked if there was any sign... I got DP to text back and say I was lying on the sofa watching deal or no deal! I don't think anyone believed me when I said I wasn't going to tell anyone!

He rang everyone when baby arrived just before 7.

My mum is a worrier and I didn't want her to be worried about me!

I got onto the ward at about 10 and my mum visited the next day with my sister, his family visited the day after when I was home!

GreatSoprendo Sun 03-Mar-13 19:04:20

Yup - that's my plan too. DC1 due in 4 weeks and we won't be letting anyone at all know when I'm in labour. They will all get a call from DP when it's all over and we are settled. We also have no plans to discuss this 'plan' with DM or DMiL beforehand.

So if you are BU, then so am I! Good luck smile

LovesBeingWokenEveryNight Sun 03-Mar-13 19:09:31

Yanbu but please not not tell people this is your plan. They will not be pleased and you'll just have extra hassle and calls just in case as well as a mardy mum

CheddarGorgeous Sun 03-Mar-13 19:11:25

YANBU, we didn't, no pressure from anyone.

VinegarDrinker Sun 03-Mar-13 19:26:00

We weren't planning to, but ended up phoning FiL who lives round the corner to ask for a lift to hospital as both of us had had a couple of glasses of wine blush (would've called a cab but my waters were literally gushing and I didn't want to soak the seats!). So we called the rest, then they all went to bed and we called them the next morning to say he'd arrived.

With this one we'll have to let someone know as we'll need childcare for DS1.

DoJo Sun 03-Mar-13 19:27:30

We were really lucky in as much as the 'new baby' ward at our local hospital was closed to visitors due to the norovirus, so there was no question of anyone coming to the hospital - we told them when they could visit after he was born (ended up being nearly a week as we weren't released for 4 days and then needed time to establish feeding) and it seemed a very civilised way of going about it. I certainly think that if/when I have another I will tell people that I don't want visitors at the hospital and let them see the baby once we have both had a chance to recover a bit.

Thingiebob Sun 03-Mar-13 19:28:53

YANBU and I totally recommend not telling anyone. Having had a very stressful labour with lots of intervention and complications, the added pressure of keeping people informed was a massive pain in the arse.

Present it as a done deal.

MrsDeVere Sun 03-Mar-13 19:30:52

YANBU but your OH is probably right, your DM will be upset.
Can you compromise and get OH to phone her once you have been in labour for a good a long time?

Good luck

bedmonster Sun 03-Mar-13 19:30:56

Why would you need to tell anyone? Once you are with DP and your midwifes in established labour, phones get switched off anyway (or they did for us).
This time round, we dropped the DDs at MILs and went to hospital and left phones in the car. MIL told a few others (SILs live round the corner from her, we really didn't care who she told as long as they couldn't contact us) but we were doing our own thing and weren't giving a second thought to what anyone else was doing.
Don't overthink it, no one needs to know - so don't tell them.

Good luck! smile

PastaBeeandCheese Sun 03-Mar-13 19:32:57

YANBU. It's exactly what I did.

InTheoryBut Sun 03-Mar-13 19:38:00

I went into hospital middayish, not telling anyone, and had baby (pfb) at 6pm. We had an hour or so of cuddling, bonding and getting over the shock (3 weeks early) and then we started phoning people. Did close family first, then I had a bath, then phoned friends while feeding.

It was perfect. Wouldn't have had it any other way. Slightly easier for me as no family close enough to have come rushing to the hospital anyway, but you really really must do what feels best for you, baby and partner. Good luck!

Misfit13 Sun 03-Mar-13 19:40:58

YANBU. I don't understand why people announce the first twinge on FB and spend the next however many hours updating the world. But then, I'm private to the other extreme and told no-one, not even OH until it was all over! (we'd already agreed he would be there if I felt I needed him; I didn't).
Your labour is all about you; the last thing you need is to be worrying about how anyone else feels about it!

LemonBreeland Sun 03-Mar-13 19:44:21

YANBU I don't see why your DM should be upset. I'm sure she will care only about her new DGC. I also don't see it as important to tell before that you won't be calling them. There is no reason for anyone to assume you will call.

Afritutu Sun 03-Mar-13 19:47:22

With my first labour I didn't tell anyone other than DP (this does nt include the workman who turned up to replace the window 30 mins after my waters went unexpectedly all over the floor, he doesn't count). All family got a call the next day when baby was born. For second dc my DM was with us to look after DC1, so my family did know that time,

MumofWombat Sun 03-Mar-13 19:52:33

We are having an ELCS, my parents will know the date as they have travelled half way around the world to look after DS. But pretty much no one else is going to be told when its happening.

yanbu

dimdommilpot Sun 03-Mar-13 19:55:55

I didnt tell anybody other than oh (obvs). I rang my mum and dad at 4am to tell them DD had arrived safe and well. I hate fuss and attention and didnt want people ringing/texting every 5mins. My parents knew i would do this and put no pressure on me to tell them.

Rootvegetables Sun 03-Mar-13 19:59:44

We didn't tell anyone and it was lovely! I couldn't handle the pressure of everyone waiting to see if I could do it! It was our little time where we sat there with our little miracle the only people in the world who knew! We get on with both families but knew they might just pop by or something this way we could get our breath back and tell them when we were ready. It was also lovely to shock them all! My dad sent me a photo of their new sofa to my phone and I sent one back of his new grandson!

TheMaskedHorror Sun 03-Mar-13 20:05:54

Yanbu.
Its so much better this way.
I had an elcs this time round and told no one (except a couple of people) the date. I just gave anyone who asked about the due date, a date a week later than my actual due date.
My mum and mil were so thrilled when told and both were glad we did it this was as they're both stress heads.

Feelingood Sun 03-Mar-13 20:12:00

seems sensible to me, keep your mind clear and focus on the job, and besides anything else it is the most special moment for you and your DP.

TeaOneSugar Sun 03-Mar-13 20:12:37

My MIL knew I was in labour (we popped around for lunch - it was a long labour) but we didn't tell her when we went to the hospital.

she originally wanted to come to the hospital with us to wait, I was very firm, told her only DH would be coming into the delivery room, they wouldn't let her wait outside the room and it could take days.

DH phoned her about 1.5 hours after the birth.

LemonBreeland Sun 03-Mar-13 20:56:58

Forgot to say in my earlier post that many people will sit and worry during labour, and as has been said it could be a long time for them to be worrying.

With DS1 I went into labour at PILs so they knew. FIL took to his bed as he was so stressed, and I was only in labour 4 hours.

Dannilion Sun 03-Mar-13 21:08:01

Thanks for your replies, DP didn't really understand why I really didn't want people to know, at all. Was beginning to feel like I was a bit of a weirdo!

Have shown him this thread and he 'gets' it now. Thanks for the well wishes too smile

LemonBreeland Sun 03-Mar-13 21:10:59

Glad he gets it now.

Dogsmom Sun 03-Mar-13 22:06:11

My pfb is due on saturday and I've already told people I wont be telling them when I'm in labour, I can't think of a single reason why I should or what would be gained from it.

I don't want people pacing or texting for updates and certainly don't want visitors for a few hours, I'm looking forward to it being just me, my husband and our daughter for a while.

ThePlEWhoLovedMe Sun 03-Mar-13 22:42:01

Both mine were preplanned inductions ... and I never told a soul - YANBU

WinterMymble Mon 04-Mar-13 03:58:17

Yanbu and you are being very wise! We did this and it is MUCH better!

jynier Mon 04-Mar-13 04:25:05

Dannilion - My DD was extremely firm with me and her MIL. She wanted her husband with her and NO-ONE ELSE!!! We would both have loved to have been there but fully understood. The funny thing was that it was my son who let out the secret that my DD was in labour - he was absolutely beside himself with worry and asked me to ring the ward! My DS never left her side when DD was in early labour with second baby; he was helping her through contractions. I was there too as we were looking after GD1 while my SIL took DD to hospital. They sent her home several times!!! Your post has brought back memories!

YANBU.

Am 38+6 and know it will likely be any day now - like you I didn't want people constantly texting/calling DH when I will be needing him to focus on helping me. However, I did make the mistake of posting on Facebook that we would not be telling anyone and to please stop texting/asking if there were any signs (I was 36 weeks FGS!!) - and now you would be AMAZED at how many people have decided to randomly phone or pop over or make plans with me... People I barely see twice a year! It's annoying but probably would be funny if I wasn't such a grumpy bitch at the moment, haha.

So yes, maybe re-think telling everyone your plan or you'll end up still being hounded but in an annoying, "oh-just-called-to-see-how-you're-doing" kind of way!

minibmw2010 Mon 04-Mar-13 06:15:29

DS was due to be a breech CS but labour started early and he was a week earlier than planned, we didn't tell anyone, just decided to wait until after to tell our Mum's as they'd have just worried and neither were near enough to come anyway. So was simple and relatively stress free.

Kaida Mon 04-Mar-13 06:20:46

We didn't tell anyone when I went into labour apart from the people I wanted at the delivery. I can't imagine why anyone would feel they needed to know. YANBU. Glad your DH now gets it. I also was incredibly vague about my due date, and I'd do exactly the same again.

Jojobump1986 Mon 04-Mar-13 06:42:33

I didn't plan on telling anyone. Didn't have much choice when my waters broke in a room full of people! Serves me right for being out & about at 8 days overdue! grin I think I'll be staying closer to home this time! wink

aufaniae Mon 04-Mar-13 06:44:16

YANBU, but they may work it out from themselves.

When I had DS, friends and family were calling practically daily by the time I went into labour, asking "any news yet?"

When I did go into labour, they sussed it, word spread and suddenly the phone was ringing non-stop (while I having contractions!). They meant well, but I took the phone off DP and switched it off, mid-call, cutting one of my best friends off! I would never usually do such a thing, but it was ridiculous!

This time, I think we'll turn the phones off when I go into labour, perhaps leaving a message on the voicemail saying we're having the baby, and we'll contact people when we're ready to.

exoticfruits Mon 04-Mar-13 07:25:45

I never understand why people do- it never occurred to me. Just tell them afterwards - if they get upset tell them there wasn't time.

pollywollydoodle Mon 04-Mar-13 09:19:11

my previously much liked MIL invaded as soon as she was told about dds arrival..would n't leave what she called "my baby "..got cross if anybody else wanted to visit in "our slots" (i was in for a week) ..wanted to stay when we came homesad

our relationship has never really recovered

i'm really glad we didn't tell her about the induction it could have so much worse if she'd invaded the labour and birth in the same way way

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Mon 04-Mar-13 09:32:11

Yanbu OP and glad DP now realises this, good luck.

PS Love Rootvegetables' anecdote about swapping photos - new sofa, newborn! grin

DreamingOfTheMaldives Mon 04-Mar-13 09:32:45

One of my best friends told me, and couple of others, when she went into labour. We spent the next 24 hours panicking as to whether everything was OK because we hadn't heard from them! We didn't feel it was right to text as didn't want to pester but were desperate to hear that they were alright!

Once you tell people you have gone into labour they are going to be worrying for you so unless your DH is going to send regular updates (which I very much doubt he will) then it is probably kinder all round not to tell them. For me, my Mum would be the exception to this.

I agree, with pfb you only need to tell DH and maybe the midwife wink

I'm feeling like a bitch because I am deliberately not telling PIL I'm pg until I really have to - history of related bad behaviour I am feeling over sensitive about, and DH isn't happy but is supportive of my decision. By comparison, you are totally sane, reasonable and justified.

Good luck x

Oh and I didn't realise until afterwards that DH had done a live FB commentary of my very long, excruciating labour and delivery with DC1 (he was "bored" apparently) but he didn't dare with DC2 grin

I don't think I got any benefit from visitors in hospital and it made it hard to get used to bf at the beginning. I'd be very tempted not to allow any at all, assuming one wasn't in for long.

Bramshott Mon 04-Mar-13 09:44:00

Not quite sure why you WOULD tell people TBH.

Phoning my mum to say "I've just had a baby" twice was very special.

moonblues Mon 04-Mar-13 09:47:36

YANBU!
My waters went overnight and after a quick exam in the hospital I was sent back home to get on with it. My DH phoned my MIL who promptly arrived and started making herself comfortable! I had to take my DH into the kitchen and whisper "you have to make her go home, now!" Which he did thank God, but apparently she was crying in my SIL's car outside my house!
Would have been much easier if she hadn't of known.

Pootle78 Mon 04-Mar-13 10:05:24

YADNBU - with ds1 we told no one, labour started at 8.30 in the morning, I ignored a few phone calls, my best friend was supposed to be coming for dinner and her text got missed (but I'm sure she guessed but said nothing) apparently at 7pm my mum and sister were discussing if eitherof them had any contact from me and as it was a no, mum rang at 1918, ds1 was born at 1919!!!!

With ds2 I was induced so mil knew as she had to have ds1, my parents and my sister and that was it. I was in for 4 days with nothing happening so couldn't bare to have people asking. When it all happened we phoned our parents to say ds2 had arrived, mum thought we were phoning to bring in extra food supplies!!!

My friend told me she was being induced on the Tuesday, by Saturday I'd still heard nothing and was getting very concerned, eventually I had to phone her mum to make sure everything was ok as I'd been worrying. Her dd arrived another 24 hours later, what people don't know means they can't worry about it!

LeBoob Mon 04-Mar-13 10:09:13

YADNBU! We did exactly this. However his parents and grandparents turned up to visit about half hour before my waters broke. Needless to say I was a bit green at the time & not up for polite chit chat!

elliejjtiny Mon 04-Mar-13 10:56:48

YANBU. I'm not telling people I'm in labour apart from PIL who will be looking after my other DC's. I'm expecting people to be furious though, especially after the reaction we got when we didn't announce the pregnancy the minute the pink line appeared on the stick.

somewherewest Mon 04-Mar-13 13:13:23

YANBU. It worked for us, although I had a quick, overnight labour which probably made it easier. No one minded at all.

sparklekitty Mon 04-Mar-13 13:18:04

I'd planned to tell the world when I finally went into labour (40+4 not that late but very grumpy) As it was it was so intense and all consuming (obviously) because my labour came on quite quickly that my DH only managed to tell my mum before my DD arrived!

You are definitely NBU.

Dogsmom Mon 04-Mar-13 13:37:45

I think it's just another sign of the times, we've become so used to being permanently 'contactable' through facebook and mobile phones etc and have lost a lot of our privacy.

It's not that long ago that it wouldn't have been feasible to try and get in touch with people to let them know the woman was in labour and it was the norm for the woman to go in, have the baby then the husband queue for the payphone to let the granparents know who would then visit them once the baby and mother were home.

jynier Tue 05-Mar-13 03:55:53

Crikey, Danillion - now I want to know when you go into labour!!! Will you let us know when your baby is born? Best wishes!

MidniteScribbler Tue 05-Mar-13 04:13:37

I didn't tell anyone I was being induced, just went to the hospital at 7am without telling anyone. DS was born at 6:30pm, but it was 8:30 by the time we got back on the ward. I rang one person interstate to tell her, because she was going to get a flight as soon as he was born (she got one the next morning), but other than that, didn't tell a sole until the next morning when I took a photo and put it on facebook. I told everyone in advance that I wouldn't be making phone calls, just the picture on facebook when he arrived, so no one could get snarky about not getting a personal call. My neighbour and friend sms'd me that night because she saw my car had been gone all day and guessed, but she's had four kids, so was smart enough to leave me in peace! She visited the next day while I was in hospital (after asking if it was ok) but then I was home that night (24 hours after he was born) anyways so could have visitors at home, which was much easier and more relaxing.

Do what you want. There's only so many times in your life that you have to push a whole person out your you-know-where so do it your way!

GirlOutNumbered Tue 05-Mar-13 04:15:35

Yanbu as its your choice and probably a good idea. I went in to be induced and so poor mum knew and then heard nothing. She was frantic with worry, I would have preferred her not to be. Iykwim.

Wishfulmakeupping Tue 05-Mar-13 04:38:15

I didnt tell anyone it worked well for us- I just didn't want the added pressure of people knowing and constantly asking god updates whist I was in labour. Do what feels best and good luck smile

williaminajetfighter Tue 05-Mar-13 05:57:12

Count yourself lucky OP. I was living in a new city when I gave birth and aside from my DP there was no one around to call or drop by the hospital. I'm also not very close to family.

Friends and family interested and excited about your pending birth??!! Some nuisance!

diddl Tue 05-Mar-13 07:16:29

Never occurred to us at all that we would call anyone until after the baby was born tbh.

As it was, PFB came pre 30 wks, so we hadn't even got as far as rellies mentioning it.

With PSB, if my neighbour could have looked after my PFB, then she would have been the only one to know until after the event.

As it was she was at work & we had to call ILs over for childcare.

PetWoman Tue 05-Mar-13 08:07:02

YANBU. Definitely.

I naively told lots of people (long labour) and actually texted friends from the birth pool (at home). Then DH rang DM again to let her know that we had to transfer to hospital. I thought we'd agreed that my parents would visit a few days after DS was born, but when DH rang them to say DS had arrived they were already in the car, halfway through the 4 hour journey! They then insisted on visiting us in hospital the next day (despite me being exhausted, smelly, and half dressed because I was trying to get the hang of bfing) and then came over again when we got home that evening. TBH it was all a bit much. I was stressed about it and my mum got upset: clearly we hadn't communicated our plans / expectations clearly enough. So basically, wait till your LO arrives and then tell people!

tangerinefeathers Tue 05-Mar-13 10:16:11

YADNBU

I wish I had thought as you do for my first. My mother was calling constantly to check on my progress, then making comments about how I'd taken 'messing around to the next level' when the labour took so long.

Finally we went to hospital and turned off our phones, then when I rang to tell her I'd had the baby she yelled at me for not calling as 'they had been SO WORRIED.'

My sister then arrived at the delivery room and stayed for four hours even though we'd been awake all night.... total nightmare.

This time I am taking no chances:

Fake due date (by three weeks)

Handing DS dressed in spiderman suit to neighbour/friend with strict instructions to keep schtum and not appear in public.

Briefing midwives, admin staff, telephone operators, anyone I can think of that there are to be no visitors.

All phones deposited in cups of water at the first contraction.

My husband making the first phone call to my mother after we are home from hospital - she won't dare yell at him grin

coralanne Tue 05-Mar-13 10:18:55

Then don't.

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