Dp not wanting me to see male friend

(148 Posts)
SilveryMoon Sat 02-Mar-13 07:59:58

Going to try not to drip feed because I hate that.
Please be gentle with me!
Years ago, I had a best friend. One that I have loosely kept in touch with, but it looked like I'd have a child free evening today, so asked this friend for a catch-up drink.
This friend is male. We were best friends for about 3 years, together every day and when I moved from the area we lived in, he came with me for a while (separate bedrooms).
Ok, we did engage is sexual activity at times but that was way before dp and that was not what our friendship was about, and it definitely is not what anything is about now.
Dp thinks it's weird to keep in touch with an ex, although this guy is not an ex, we were never together as a couple and no romantic feelings were ever there. Dp still talks to his ex wife, I have never said anything about it.
My own fault for asking if it'd be ok and not just telling him really.
I said to him "I'm going to go see X tomorrow night for a catch up. Is that ok?" he got all umpy and grunted "please yourself" so I asked him what the problem was and he came out with all this shit about how I shouldn't want to see anyone else, and do I keep this guys number just in case etc etc etc.
I'm really angry as I feel this shows that dp doesn't respect or trust me.

CloudsAndTrees Sat 02-Mar-13 08:04:01

The test is, would you be happy to invite your DP to go with you? Is this the sort of friend that you spend time with when you are also with your DP?

I can see where your DP is coming from either way. If you have a rare evening without children, you should want to spend that having adult time with your partner instead of with someone else.

Flisspaps Sat 02-Mar-13 08:04:16

I knew a few of my male friends 'rather well' before I met DH. I am still friends with them and I would be fucking raging if DH suggested that I was friends with them now 'just in case'

Words would be had about his clearly low opinion of, and lack of trust in me.

mrsbunnylove Sat 02-Mar-13 08:07:46

you think you're entitled to male friends you've had sex with, when you're in a relationship

you haven't invited this bloke to your house with your partner, you've said you'll go out to meet him

you think your 'dp' doesn't respect you. after you've shown a total lack of respect for him by maintaining a relationship with a former sexual partner

you want you dp to sanction your meetings with your former sexual partner

your dp 'talks to' his ex wife. why? about children or shared property? or because he wants to keep that relationship going?

by all means go about your life your own way. it wouldn't suit me but that's fine.

livinginwonderland Sat 02-Mar-13 08:08:34

why wouldn't you want to spend a rare child-free evening with DP?

Blankiefan Sat 02-Mar-13 08:09:07

Has your DP spent anytime with your friend? It might be worthwhile getting them to do this (with you too) so DP can see there's no chemistry. (assuming there really is none...) Doesn't solve your immediate issue but maybe would help in the longer term.

Try not to see it as him not trusting you - it's probably more of a reflection of how he thinks he'd feel about a close female friend. Does he have any? (other than his ex?)

SilveryMoon Sat 02-Mar-13 08:09:08

Clouds yes I would invote dp with me. He has met this friend before. Is why I told him about the extent of our relationship because when they were due to meet years ago, I didn't want dp to be the only one there who didn't know as I didn't feel there was any reason to keep it from him.
I can't spend the evening with dp because he will be at work. he works nights. My dad asked if he could have the ds's afternoon and overnight.
Flisspaps Exactly how I feel. What am I supposed to do?
I tried to have the conversation with dp last night about how I can see his side, but there really is no issue. And if he said he wanted to go for a drink with Julie (made up person) I'd be fine because I wouldn't expect him to go out with a friend and be unfaithful.
He just told me to please myself. We are not talking and I have told my friend that I can't go because dp is being a knob.

LeaveTheBastid Sat 02-Mar-13 08:09:27

What mrsbunnylove said.

SilveryMoon Sat 02-Mar-13 08:13:32

Him and his ex have no children together or property or anything like that. I don't know why they talk, they just do. I don't really have a problem with it.
mrsbunny I don't think I'm showing a lack of respect for my dp by wanting to see my friend, no. I saw this friend many times after me and dp became an item just haven't seen him for a long time because we moved, had children etc.

HollyBerryBush Sat 02-Mar-13 08:15:59

I can imagin the responses if it were the DH meeting an ex sexual partner for a catch up - would be totally different set of responses to the ones the OP is getting.

As always, it's about boundaries. Perfectly fine to keep up old friendships, if thats what they are. Once you bring sex into the equation that puts a whole different spin on it. Go out as double couple by all means.

Your DH still talks to his ex wife - but clearly they don't go out for a drink and a reminisce about the good old times though, which is what you are planning to do.

You say your husband has no respect - I'd say it's you disrespecting his feeling on the matter.

Also this highlights trust issues between the two of you. Not trust = no relationship

SilveryMoon Sat 02-Mar-13 08:19:31

I'm not going (well at all now) to reminisce about the good old times. I was going to see my friend, see how he is, what he's up to etc.
Like I said, I had seen him many times after getting with dp and we never spoke about anything like that. I can't see that we would now.

Lovecat Sat 02-Mar-13 08:20:14

mrsbunnylove, the 1950's called and they want their attitude back... hmm

It is possible to remain friends with 'former sexual partners' (although I don't think that it sounds like this relationship was ever that formal) and see them platonically afterwards. It doesn't mean that the OP doesn't respect her husband. DH is still good friends with his university girlfriend, they shared an important part of their life together and I don't see why he should lose that because he's with me now. Does that mean he doesn't respect me? What a load of nonsense.

OP, he doesn't trust you, does he? That's the main issue here. I would find that both insulting and rather worrying.

I'm sorry you've felt that you have to cancel your night out.

lollilou Sat 02-Mar-13 08:22:42

Blimey I'm surprised by some of these posts.
Actually I am in a similar position except my dp hates my male friend. We did have a short relationship but it was 22 years ago! I do enjoy going for a drink with him about once every six months and I get the moaning ect about it. My friend is part of my history and we can chat for hours also I would never go there with him and dh knows this.
I totally disagree with mrsbunny.
Yanbu it's a drink and a catch up fgs.

ExasperatedSigh Sat 02-Mar-13 08:26:35

I would have no problem with my DH meeting an old friend, with whom he had once had sexual relations, for a drink.

I would also expect to be free to do this myself. A few sexual encounters don't supersede all the other aspects of a longstanding friendship.

I think you should go and meet your friend anyway. If your partner is still off about it, encourage him to have a calm and sensible talk with you about his feelings.

SilveryMoon Sat 02-Mar-13 08:26:38

Thanks LoveCat. No, it appears that he doesn't trust me.
I cancelled because it would be out of order for me to still go knowing that dp doesn't like it.
I asked because when I told him about it, his face changed. I didn't ask him before I spoke to friend because I didn't think there'd be an issue.

Surely he'd know that if I wanted to be unfaithful, I could go and do that with a guy I could meet anywhere, at anytime even if I go out with the girls.
I wouldn't even call this friend an old sexual partner.
Dp has no reason to feel threatened b this person. Even if (and he wouldn't) this friend said how about it, me, dp and friend all know that we'd be on the floor laughing at just the thought. It just wouldn't happen

HollyBerryBush Sat 02-Mar-13 08:26:54

Let me think, if there was a thread entitled 'My Dp wants to go out with an ex fuck buddy for a drink' - which is really the situation here, would everyone really be waving their partners off with a smile for the evening? I don't think so!

I absolutely see why the DP is pissed off.

Also by telling the friend this: I have told my friend that I can't go because dp is being a knob. it shows what the OP thinks of her partner. Have a disagreement by all means but you don't take it outside of the house and involve Uncle Tom Cobbley and his dog in it.

angelinterceptor Sat 02-Mar-13 08:27:36

I would be annoyed if me DH didn't want me to see an old friend.


Theicingontop Sat 02-Mar-13 08:28:35

If your DP did go for a drink with his ex wife, would you mind?

livinginwonderland Sat 02-Mar-13 08:31:00

i agree with holly

TobyLerone Sat 02-Mar-13 08:32:30

Goodness, we shouldn't be friends with people we've previously had sex with?

That's my list of friends down to about...1, then hmm

SilveryMoon Sat 02-Mar-13 08:35:07

Yes, I agree I shouldn't have told my friend that, I was angry and couldn't think of an excuse to cancel.

I would be fine if he wanted to see his ex wife. They spent 12 years together. He is in a committed relationship with me. I wouldn't assume he wanted anything else

SilveryMoon Sat 02-Mar-13 08:36:42

And yes, at the moment, I do think he's being a knob.

pictish Sat 02-Mar-13 08:37:09

Yanbu. I think you should be going to meet your mate with his blessing.

All those on here who clutch their throatas at the thought of their dh's going out for a drink with someone the used to have sex with are putting way too much onus onto the sex part.

I'm not even slightly jealous or possessive, and I would be completely fine with this if it were him, and I'd expect him to be just as fine were the tables turned.

It's about trust isn't it?

Theicingontop Sat 02-Mar-13 08:38:12

He's jealous. It's as simple as that. Unacceptable, yes, but not a sin (well technically it is, but whatever).

I would stand my ground, while trying my best to make him feel better about it, but standing my ground nonetheless. You love him, so you don't want him to feel bad, but at the same time it's a bad idea to start letting him dictate who you socialise with.

YellowAndGreenAndRedAndBlue Sat 02-Mar-13 08:38:34

I think you are both BU to some extent.

If your DH is a controlling arse then this is not on, if he is feeling a bt worried or insecure then a bit of a chat or reassurance wouldn't harm.

In an ideal world everyone feels really secure and unthreatened. In reality, we are human and your DH may be feeling a bit worried.

I think it is fine t have friends of the opposite sex, includng exes, as long as it is handled with care, because it can be tricky.

Not sure I could get any further onto the fence on this issue!

XiCi Sat 02-Mar-13 08:38:40

God, come of these responses are outrageous. Why shouldn't the OP meet an old mate for a drink? Do some women actuallyu think you have to cease contact with all males when you are in a relationship?

OP, you are right, your DP is acting like a knob. And you should definitely go, don't let him get away with this controlling behaviour or it will start to happen all the time

pictish Sat 02-Mar-13 08:39:39

Toby - I know. Ffs.

I didn't know being in a relationship meant cutting all ties with anyone you might have shagged...even if it were only a handful of times. confused

Wouldn't want to make up our own minds now would we?

YellowAndGreenAndRedAndBlue Sat 02-Mar-13 08:40:01

I agree he can't dictate who you socialise with, you shouldn't cancel.

LeaveTheBastid Sat 02-Mar-13 08:40:34

Arf at everyone with such amazing relationships that they're absolutelyfine with their partners ditching them on a rare child free night to go and catch up with an old fuck buddy.

Come off it. Bet most would be absolutely seething if it came to it.

"Oh he has trust issues, HIBU, LTB immediately and you go and enjoy a catch up with your dear old friend." grin

Such preachy twits at times. OP your husband has absolutely every right to feel threatened in this situation. You asked him if it was okay to go, you should have been more prepared to be told no. Ask an honest question, get an honest answer and all that. Would you rather your dp didn't tell you how he felt and just put up and shut up like a good boy? You can stamp your feet all you want but if you want him to respect you then you need to respect I'm too, and that isn't done by telling your past fuck buddy that you can't play out because your dp is being a knob.

* sits back and waits for the fems to pounce *

livinginwonderland Sat 02-Mar-13 08:41:01

it's not (for me anyway) about the fact that they had sex once or twice a few years ago. for me, it's the fact that if a guy came on and said "i was talking to my partner and said that because the kids weren't gonna be around tonight, i was going to go for drinks with x, my old fuck buddy. for some reason, she's pissed and won't speak to me", everyone would tell him he was being an insensitive POS!

Hissy Sat 02-Mar-13 08:43:21

What would the reply to this thread be if it were the DP wanting to see someone he'd had a thing with years ago?

That said, i can't see any reason why someone would BAN their partner from seeing someone. no-one has that right.

Unless that person has form for not being a friend of the relationship, of course.

Theicingontop Sat 02-Mar-13 08:44:19

I don't think the responses would be any different if it were reversed.

SilveryMoon Sat 02-Mar-13 08:44:51

Leave I am not ditching dp. He'll be at work 9pm til 6am. If I had a child free night and dp wasn't working, of course I'd suggest we go for dinner or something together, that is nit the issue here. I can't spend tonight with dp unless I want to stand at the side of a railway track watching him fiddle with bolts fixing things.

HecateWhoopass Sat 02-Mar-13 08:44:59

oh whoa. Hang on.

He chats to his ex wife and you're not allowed to catch up with an old boyfriend/friend?

I suggest you say "Stop talking to X then"

Bloody hell. Talk about double standards.

Ask him how his ongoing friendship with his ex wife is any different.

If you're not allowed (allowed. bloody hell) to be in contact with someone just because you once slept with someone - erm. hello!...

I honestly can't believe the nerve of him.

I can't believe that someone who maintains a relationship with his ex wife (when they share no children, no assets, there is nothing to sort out) can dare to object when their partner makes plans to see a male friend/ex.

HecateWhoopass Sat 02-Mar-13 08:45:40

slept with that someone, that should read.

GirlOutNumbered Sat 02-Mar-13 08:45:46

My best friend is male and DH is fine with it... That said we've never had sex, not sure he would be so okay with it if we had... So I can kind of see his point.
Would you be happy if it were the other way round?

SilveryMoon Sat 02-Mar-13 08:47:00

Tbf, he hasn't banned me. He said "please yourself" but he's not happy about it.
Maybe i should go and come back all un-shagged and prove that nothing is going to happen.
I decided to cancel because I knew it annoyed him.
He is difficult to have a conversation with and we have not spoken since.
I'm hoping to talk to him and re-schedule

HecateWhoopass Sat 02-Mar-13 08:47:31

If fact, I think you should say to him "You know, I've been thinking about what you said and I think you're right. It IS weird to keep in touch with exes. So you'll obviously never talk to X again. Will you? Will you be deleting her number now, then?"

WhatsTheBuzz Sat 02-Mar-13 08:49:23

agree with holly. In an ideal world, he'd be okay with it but I can see why he's not.

TobyLerone Sat 02-Mar-13 08:49:38

We all know what "please yourself" means, don't we?

It means "if you do this, I will be pissed off and sulk like a child".

SilveryMoon Sat 02-Mar-13 08:49:59

Him and ex don't see each other though, so that's ok apparently to text, fb and it's not all the time.
When ds1 was born, dp took a photo of baby on breast and sent it to his wife!!!
he said when ds1 was a baby that he wanted to take him to see his ex wife. I said that's fine, but that I didn't want to go. He could, by all means but that I'd not go.

lollilou Sat 02-Mar-13 08:50:26

Yes he has a right to not be happy about it. But to tell her she can't go? How controlling is that? They need to have a calm chat about it. As I said upthread my dh is not happy when I see my male friend but he would never forbid me to see him.
He has a female friend who is best friend who when they were 18 almost got together. He goes out for a drink with her whenever she is in town without me. Why would I want to go and listen to them remember old times? I trust him he trusts me.

BuggerLumpsAnnoyed Sat 02-Mar-13 08:51:57

I cant believe people are saying that you shouldnt see a good friebd because he ia a male that you once slept with. I have many male friends. Some i slept with. My dh is secure and never bata and eyelid. He knows im a grown up and that i would never do anything to hurt him

I'm friends with a few of my exes (boyfriends and fuck buddies alike)
DH has no problem with this, one of them was at our wedding and visits every couple of years.

I don't think there is anything wrong with remaining friends with an ex.

SilveryMoon Sat 02-Mar-13 08:52:19

I completely see why he's not over the moon about it, and he did say "I can't tell you who you can and can't see"
but he should trust me.

LeaveTheBastid Sat 02-Mar-13 08:53:01

Lolli he dp hasn't actually said he words "you can't go", he said "please yourself", which leaves her free to make the decision to go or not.

HecateWhoopass Sat 02-Mar-13 08:54:16

oh. is it? Is that what he's claiming? How convenient for him.

So tell him that fair enough, you will just text, fb etc, this bloke.

All the time.

He wouldn't like it and you know it.

Try it! And you'll see.

It's one rule for him and another for you.

That is what is really wrong.

SilveryMoon Sat 02-Mar-13 08:54:37

But why should I be in a position where I have to decide again whether or not to go when I'd already made plans on the attitude of someone else?

TobyLerone Sat 02-Mar-13 08:54:39

Sure it does, LeaveTheBastid hmm

lollilou Sat 02-Mar-13 08:54:45

Sorry just seen the ''please yourself" comment you're so right Tobylerone That is akin to saying no though.

scaevola Sat 02-Mar-13 08:55:27

He hasn't banned you, but has shown he's unhappy. Maybe, if child free evenings are rare, he's have liked to have adult time with you?

If you're concerned he doesn't trust you: what else is going on?

TobyLerone Sat 02-Mar-13 08:57:38

Why don't people read the thread properly?!

The OP and her partner are not spending the child-free evening together because he will be at work. The OP has said this several times already.

SilveryMoon Sat 02-Mar-13 08:58:39

I'm sure he would like childfree evenings just the 2 of us, but he works nights, most weekends too. If he wants to spend time with me, he doesn't have to accept all overtime offered.

WhatsTheBuzz Sat 02-Mar-13 08:58:57

also, from what I can gather, OP hasn't been 'banned' from doing anything,
that's just what she told her mate. Newsflash, her dp is entitled to

chandellina Sat 02-Mar-13 08:59:14

I think it's really tricky and that no one "rule" really applies. I tend to think it's better not to have close friends of the opposite sex, especially when there's history, but it can be absolutely fine on a case by case basis.

What really matters is if one partner feels threatened, and here that is the situation. You've got to respect his instinct even if it seems unreasonable.

ExasperatedSigh Sat 02-Mar-13 09:00:40

Silvery since you're now at a loose end while he works overnight, perhaps you should tell him you've decided to go clubbing instead? Get dressed up, go out dancing. See if he's happy for you to do that.

Why the fuck should you sit at home on your own doing fuck all when you could be enjoying some rare time to yourself?

SilveryMoon Sat 02-Mar-13 09:01:01

But that's a separate issue. We tend not to go out together because he doesn't like to go out.
We've spent years with little money and only just starting to see spare funds now.
Given the choice between friends and dp, I'd choose him every time (well most times) but it's not about that

IamtheBatman Sat 02-Mar-13 09:01:40

Sounds like he might be having a bit of a confidence wobble. Don't judge him too harshly , its a bit late now but speak on the phone to your friend and reorganize for another time. And in the meantime you can speak to your dh and reassure him. There is no point going "if i can 't speak to my friend, you can not speak to your ex." we are not 5!

scaevola Sat 02-Mar-13 09:02:10

Apologies that my reading is substandard. It's not a mistake I make often.

HecateWhoopass Sat 02-Mar-13 09:03:05

Certainly. he is.

And I'd be slightly more sympathetic if he wasn't constantly on fb and texting his ex wife! And wanting to take his newborn child to see his ex wife!

With whom he shares no children, etc.

It's that double standard that makes his behaviour arseish.

Don't you think?

Because his feelings appear to be that it's ok for him to be in a great deal of contact with his ex, but his wife shouldn't see an old friend who she slept with years ago.

SilveryMoon Sat 02-Mar-13 09:03:06

I've cancelled the babysitter (my dad) and rescheduled for next weekend when I will see a female friend.
I could still ask him to have the boys tonight and still go out, but I don't know.

SpareHeadThree Sat 02-Mar-13 09:04:50

Sorry, I'm with your DH on this one. I came onto this thread all ready to post "who does he think he is? He can't tell you that you can't see your male friends. Go anyway."
Then you turn around and point out he's not just a platonic male friend, is he?
He's a previous partner (not much platonic however much you protest, as you weren't at one point. hmm )
I recently met up with a male friend while away from husband for a few drinks. Told husband and he was fine with this. (Well, I think so anyway, he never said otherwise.)
If he'd have said no I couldn't meet up, I'd have had something to say.
Difference between my scenario and yours though that our friendship has been purely platonic, always has been.
Yours, well your dh has a point - he's not just a friend, is he. He's someone you thought enough of to sleep with at some point in the past.
No wonder he feels a bit uncomfortable with the idea.

HecateWhoopass Sat 02-Mar-13 09:05:59

so what about the relationship he's got with his ex wife?

pictish Sat 02-Mar-13 09:07:10

OP your husband has absolutely every right to feel threatened in this situation.

No he doesn't.

Theicingontop Sat 02-Mar-13 09:07:40

A friendship can be platonic even if it once wasn't, what a ridiculous thing to say.

LeaveTheBastid Sat 02-Mar-13 09:07:57

Oh do calm down Hecate, OP has already said he rarely speaks to his ex wife via text/FB, hardly a daily occurrence.

SilveryMoon Sat 02-Mar-13 09:09:24

I don't know if they're in loads of contact. I don't ask because I don't really view it as any of my business who he talks to.
I know they have contact because I might see the chat biox up on fb and ask who he's talking to and he'll say X or if he's phone beeps etc. But not in a psycho way though iyswim

BertieBotts Sat 02-Mar-13 09:10:05

Do people really disbelieve that partners can trust each other? I went out for a drink with a male friend last night. I texted DP (who is abroad) to say, basically, yay I get a night out with X, (not an ex, although not so relevant..) and that if he got any drunk texts from me, to remind me I can't afford to drink too much. He replied with "Have fun! You should flirt to get free drinks!"

Said friend was also about to walk miles home, so I offered him the sofa bed, safe in the knowledge that DP would neither mind or in fact see any issue with my doing so. Same as when he has female friends or walks random girls to their tram stop etc, I know he's just being nice.

SpareHeadThree Sat 02-Mar-13 09:10:22

What would the reply to this thread be if it were the DP wanting to see someone he'd had a thing with years ago?
^ This! I can 'see' the replies to the question "My dp wants to meet up with an old fuck buddy for a few drinks and a catch up. AIBU to feel I don't want him to go?
Replies would be along the lines of "No, you're definitely not. He's an arse. LTB!!!" hmm
Always interesting to read the different responses men and women get on here depending on what viewpoint they're posting from - even if they're exactly the same dilemma.

livinginwonderland Sat 02-Mar-13 09:11:25

silverymoon you chose not to go. he hasn't forbidden you or told you not to go. you have a choice. go, and deal with a sulky partner for a couple of days, or don't go for an easy life. i assume you chose not to go because it was less hassle. you didn't have to decide again - you told him, he didn't like it - tough. he doesn't have to like everything you do!

pictish Sat 02-Mar-13 09:11:43

I would say the same if the roles were reversed.
I'm not into ownership.

dummad Sat 02-Mar-13 09:11:46

I can understand the predicament OP. I have two male friends like this who I'd simply love to have a drink with and catch up with but I don't because I don't want to raise the dilemma with DP.
However a while back I did meet up for an hour with one of them I hadn't seen for ages. I had a soft drink in a pub with him for an hour. Anyway didn't tell DP, not sure why. I just didn't want to face the conundrum I guess. But HIS gf that he'd just started seeing found out and hit the roof! She started stalking me and calling my DH, accusing us of having an affair!
Strangely enough DH was alright about it and just laughed. hmm I was a bit taken back by his relaxed response but very relieved as well.
I just think it's a really nice thing to do as it relates you to your past and sometimes, if you have had sex with someone, it breaks down any boundaries and you can be totally honest with them.
I don't pursue any of my old flames anymore because DH doesn't have any female friends and it doesn't seem fair to him. But I have wondered whether I'm just being a bit over concerned due to DH's reaction last time.
I suppose it's a case by case argument, and depends on how you and your friend are together. If there's just one thing that threatens your DP about your friend, however, then he's not going to like it is he?
But yes on the whole we are in the 21st century and we move around a lot/are free to have a variety of relationships before settling down. It always seems a bit crazy that we have to wipe our history out completely when we meet our DPs, or at least it seems unfair to have to ditch certain ones that you happen to bond with. As you get older the opportunity to make good bonds with people who knew you when you were free/young/without responsibilities vanishes and I can see why it means a lot to you to hold onto this bit of the past.

HecateWhoopass Sat 02-Mar-13 09:12:26

It doesn't matter. Someone who is in contact with their ex has no business being funny with their partner over a contact with theirs.

And I am perfectly calm. I just don't think double standards are good.

I would think the same if she was saying that her partner was being funny about her spending £50 and had an attitude about it so she'd decided she'd best not spend it after all but he goes out and spends £50 sometimes and he thinks that's ok.

When one person does something, they cannot then object to the other person doing it.

Feeling this way does not make me in need of calming down, you funny old thing.

TobyLerone Sat 02-Mar-13 09:12:44

So once you've shagged someone, you always want to do it again? You might not be able to control yourself? Your relationship can never again just be platonic?

Shit, someone better warn my ex-husband that he's not safe, that my current marriage is a sham and that I might rip his clothes off next time he's trying to ignore me while we watch our son play rugby from opposite sides of the pitch.

Theicingontop Sat 02-Mar-13 09:14:20

There are misguided posters on every thread, SpareHead.

I think most posters would ask if there were any reasons not to trust DH, if not, tell OP to get a grip. I don't think you can just assume this is a sexist issue.

WhatsTheBuzz Sat 02-Mar-13 09:14:29

he has a right to FEEL whatever he likes, we all do.

LeaveTheBastid Sat 02-Mar-13 09:18:14

The big big difference here is that OP has already expressed her lack of concern about him contacting his ex, to him and us. That doesn't mean he has to feel the same way ffs.

If OPs husband had an affair, would it be okay for her to go and do the same? Because if its okay for her husband to do, then it must be okay for her to do too. Wouldn't want double standards now would we?

SilveryMoon Sat 02-Mar-13 09:20:16

Living I felt that it would be out of order to ask for my dp's feelings and then when he said something \I felt was UR to just dash them aside and go anyway. I thought that cancelling on this occasion would show him that I do listen and care what he thinks (although admittedly not talking to him after may have ruined that) but I'm not sure I'm ready to never see any of the people that have been important in my life pre-dp.

Maybe I should have just told him to not be so ridiculous and kept my plans anyway.

livinginwonderland Sat 02-Mar-13 09:33:00

silvery i do get where you're coming from. sometimes it's easier to cancel and not face the hassle of keeping them and the fight that'll probably follow! give it some time to cool off and tell him it's no different to him keeping in touch with his exW, and that if you're okay with him doing that, he needs to accept staying in touch with your friend, be that in person or by text/fb.

TheGirlOnTheLanding Sat 02-Mar-13 09:33:12

No, Silvery, I think you did the right thing to cancel - not because I agree with your DH but because it bothered him. Presumably, if something bothered you enough that you didn't want him to do it, you'd prefer he listened to your feelings and acted on them - it's just likely to be about something completely different, because different things trigger these sorts of feelings in different people.

If my DH wanted to go out for a drink with an old friend, I'm comfortable with that, but I know he wouldn't like it if I did the same (unless he could be there too). In our case it's because a previous partner was unfaithful and so he has trust issues. He knows it's not rational to project those issues onto me, but it's about emotion and insecurity not rationality. On the other hand, I have on occasion asked him not to do something that I wasn't comfortable with (don't want to go into specifics) and even though he felt I was overreacting, he recognised it was upsetting me, so agreed not to do it. It's just part of the give and take of a healthy relationship, in my book, as long as it's not all one-sided.

IneedAsockamnesty Sat 02-Mar-13 09:35:42

I would have apsolutly no issue at all with a partner/ husband of mine maintaining a friendship with any person male or female no matter what there sexual history

If they had issues with me doing the same I would be very offended and would take that as a accusation of me not knowing how to behave and it would indercate that they believed that I could not be trusted to conduct myself in a acceptable way.

I do know how to behave and as I'm an adult I do not require those I'm in a relationship with to police my conduct/ conversations or friendships,if I did then I should not be in a relationship of that nature because I would obviously not be responsible enough to accommodate a relationship of that nature.

I would not be in a relationship with a person who beleved I could not be trusted compleatly to conduct myself decently.

SilveryMoon Sat 02-Mar-13 09:39:04

I am due to meet a female friend for drinks next saturday night.
I am going to ask my male friend to meet me first, maybe grab some dinner or something.
I am later going to tell dp that although I think he is being ridiculous I want to reassure him that as far as i am concerned, I am in a committed relationship with him regardless of what he thinks.
I will tell him that I am really cross that he got the ump and I will tell him I need him to explain to me exactly how he feels so we can talk it through. I will tell him I am not prepared to give up my friends, and seeing this guy is not about me keeping him on the sidelines, it's about catching up with a friend.
I will tell him why I cancelled but that I plan to see him next week, before I meet my other friend. That if it helps him relax about it, I will check in vis texts and phone calls but make it clear that I shouldn't have to.

livinginwonderland Sat 02-Mar-13 09:45:16

silvery good for you! smile very sensible.

Sockreturningpixie i would be very pissed off if my partner's feelings dictated everything i did in life. i certainly wouldn't stop hanging out with friends because of him. i would take his feelings into consideration, yes, but i wouldn't lose friendships over a partner.

livinginwonderland Sat 02-Mar-13 09:46:04

oops, that last message was for TheGirlOnTheLanding not pixie, sorry! <not enough coffee>

TalkativeJim Sat 02-Mar-13 09:49:57

Do make sure you insist on him now cutting contact with his ex-wife, won't you?

After all, they used to be married! Disgusting. Far worse than your terrible behaviour. They should never speak again, it's totally disrespectful to you.

Let us know what he says smile

TeeBee Sat 02-Mar-13 09:57:58

OP, do you think your DH is acting like this to control you and your actions or do you believe it's because he is so passionate about you and is protective over what you have together and is scared to lose that. I think understanding his motives are the key to solving the issue.

I don't think you should have to cancel with your friend but I respect you for putting your husbands feelings first. Is there ways in which you can provide extra reassurance to your DH that your relationship with him the most important and that you would hope to be able to grow into a situation where he realises that there is nothing to worry about if you meet up with your friend. You don't seem jealous of his relationship with his ex, so what is it that provides you with reassurance that nothing is amiss? You could ask him what would provide him with that reassurance.

SilveryMoon Sat 02-Mar-13 09:58:55

Thanks everyone. Hopefully he just needs time to get used to the idea. I've never given him reason to believe I'd do anything wrong.
Dp is in bed now but should be up early evening so might be able to talk before he goes to work

MrsLion Sat 02-Mar-13 09:59:04

Interesting responses to this... 

I am good friends with 2 of my exDP. (not just fuck buddies but full blown partners btw) In fact I am friends with quite a few men.
DH is not friends with any of his exdp and has very few female friends and they tend to be partners of his male friends.

DH does not have a problem with these exs and I would (and do v occasionally) meet them for a drink without dh. He doesn't mind in the slightest. He understands we're friends, he trusts me. He's met them and likes them. He likes that i have my own social life.

In saying that, I most certainly wouldn't come rolling home at 3 or get drunk. A quiet drink in the evening or a very early bite to eat somewhere casual and dh really doesn't mind, and if he did he wouldn't hesitate to tell me.

In the same situation, should dh be friends with a woman or an ex, I wouldn't mind at all- providing I had met her and felt happy and comfortable and that dh was respectful and open. 

YANBU- he is being jealous and insecure. Not good. 

SilveryMoon Sat 02-Mar-13 10:03:23

Tee. I don't think he is trying to control me I am the dominant one in our relationship. He is not at all controlling. He is very laid back about everything and doesn't show much interest or passion for anything.
I think he's probably a bit insecure and I don't think he views sex and relationships the way I do. Sometimes I think he thinks sex and emotion are the same thing...........
We don't really talk about stuff because he is so difficult to communicate with. We have most our serious discussions via texts or letters talking face to face just doesn't work with him

IneedAsockamnesty Sat 02-Mar-13 10:04:56

Living I agree.

We often have previous relationships where things went wrong but we can't allow that to hinder future relationships where there has been no previous wrong doing.

If your dh has a previous partner who cheated and that means he has to supervise all your interactions with people of the oppersit sex then you are not in a trusting relationship you are not being treated like a decent adult and it is controlling and isolating.You are not the person who cheated on him he needs to learn that.

If he has trust issues then he needs to address that with himself you should assist him by providing reassurance but allowing those issues to be used as a tool to dictate who you can and can not be trusted to socialise with is pandering to it and doing the exact oppersit of sending a clear message that you would not behave appropriately.

IneedAsockamnesty Sat 02-Mar-13 10:05:22

Oh dear that should say inappropriately

SilveryMoon Sat 02-Mar-13 10:06:28

HeI didn't really like this friend when they met maybe that's the problem.
Dp us quiet, shy, introvert. My friend is loud, outgoing and a bit of a show off.
They are very different. Completely different personalities, ages.

TeeBee Sat 02-Mar-13 10:10:49

Thats very positive then OP, hopefully lots of reassurance about how strongly you feel for him might be the way for him to be able to accept your friendship.

IneedAsockamnesty Sat 02-Mar-13 10:12:49

It only matters if he likes him if you are expecting him to also socialise with him.

Nobody is required to like people they do not socially interact with.

Thinking about it,its just occurred to me that I'm far more interested in blokes who have decent friendships with ex's because is a rather good indicator that they aren't the type of nasty bastard that you really don't want to be involved with.

Lucyellensmum95 Sat 02-Mar-13 10:13:56

So you have "engaged in sexual activity" with this guy from your past and you think its ok to go out for a drink with him? hmm

TobyLerone Sat 02-Mar-13 10:17:00

Why wouldn't it be, lucyellensmum? Genuine question. Why?

Lucyellensmum95 Sat 02-Mar-13 10:20:47

You have to ask? Genuine question

TobyLerone Sat 02-Mar-13 10:24:02

Well, clearly. Why are you having trouble answering it? Could it be because there's nothing wrong with it?

TeeBee Sat 02-Mar-13 10:26:55

Maybe it's because the relationship between OP and her friend has moved on from being something sexual. She knows her DH has nothing to worry about.

Theicingontop Sat 02-Mar-13 10:27:04

Lucy, why isn't it ok?

Do you have an uncontrollable urge to remove your clothes every time you're in the presence of someone you've been intimate with?

Call your friend and say you are going to go after all, then tell your P to stop being such a dick. People who are jealous should never be indulged, it just makes them worse. THe only way to deal with a jealous partner is to laugh at him and tell him to get over it, and if that doesn't work, dump him.

Lucyellensmum95 Sat 02-Mar-13 10:30:18

No, its not that - its the "connection" i dont think it would ever really leave and i know that i coudnt bear for my DP to do this. It would be a deal breaker - maybe im just weird and no its not insecurity i trust my partner 100%

pictish Sat 02-Mar-13 10:31:21

Yes Lucy - you'll have to point out the obvious to me I'm afraid. Why isn't it ok?

TobyLerone Sat 02-Mar-13 10:31:54

Insecurity is exactly what it is, lucyellensmum.

pictish Sat 02-Mar-13 10:34:06

How is that not insecurity?
That's the very definition of insecurity!

TeeBee Sat 02-Mar-13 10:34:19

But isn't it okay to have connections with other people? So long as it doesn't override the exclusive and personal connection that you have with your partner now? If the connection was so amazing ex's wouldn't be ex's would they?

If he is normally rational, I think I would have another discussion with Dh and find out really what he's got the hump about. Does he genuinely feel threatened and if so what can you do say to make him feel better?
Then I'd go. He's being ridiculous.

Theicingontop Sat 02-Mar-13 10:44:50

I don't understand how you can say you trust someone 100%, yet hate the idea of them being around women with whom they have platonic relationships. Surely if the idea makes you uncomfortable, and is a 'deal-breaker', then you don't believe it's entirely platonic at all, and therefore don't trust them.

This kind of relationship would be incredibly tiring.

Samu2 Sat 02-Mar-13 10:49:59

Well, I was about to say you were being unreasonable until I read that he doesn't have children with his ex so has no real reason to be speaking to his ex, except to catch up and be friendly, which is fine but he then can't say that you can't do the same with one of your ex friends/ fuck buddy

In my relationship we do not go out with exes at all, although I obviously talk with my ex H a lot as we have children together. There seems like there is one rule for your Dp and one for you when it comes to this and that is unfair and I would put my foot down over that double standard.

MrsLion Sat 02-Mar-13 10:50:34

There is absolutely nothing wrong with being friends with someone you've previously had sex with. At all.

sockreturningpixie I agree- all the men I know who have good female friends- exes or otherwise are excellent husbands /partners as they understand and respect women.

OP, no your dh doesn't have to like your friend, afterall this is your friend, not his. 

I guess for me, if dh really didn't like a male friend of mine, then I would listen to him, I wouldn't ditch this friend, but because dh isn't jealous, doesn't ever control me and has no problems with my male friends even if I've slept with them previously then I'd put him first if he didn't feel comfortable.

I would also expect him to show me the same respect if I ever felt a bad vibe from a female friend of his.

But, in your case it sounds like  your dh is just a bit threatened by a more extrovert personality in which case, your dh is being ridiculous. 

Yes, Mrs Lion, when I met DH I was good mates with 2 exes and also have to communicate a lot with exh.

DH didn't like one of the exes for fair reason, so I listened to him and I did slowly phase out that friendship.

He is v comfortable with the others though and we see them a lot.

Samu2 Sat 02-Mar-13 10:55:04

I do agree that cancelling it was the best thing to do while you talk this issue through more, if you had gone it would have likely caused bigger issues. I would however be having a long talk about the double standard and would not end my friendship with the other man unless he can give me a genuine good reason for the double standard.

Me and my H are both a bit insecure and neither of us would like the other to go out with an ex (except for my ex H due to the children) but it works the same way for both of us.

TheSeniorWrangler Sat 02-Mar-13 10:57:44

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Crawling Sat 02-Mar-13 11:07:09

YANBU I think you should go your dp is being a ass.

Viviennemary Sat 02-Mar-13 11:09:25

I agree with Samu2. None of us would like the other to go out with an ex. It's just not something we would do or even want to do. Maybe meet in a group of friends or if you were both friends with the person invite them to your house. And let's face it and I just mean this in a general way a lot of people who do trust each other completely end up having affairs.

Limelight Sat 02-Mar-13 11:17:52

I'm sorry but I think that some of the responses on here are really strange.

Why should OP spend a child-free evening with her DP? Even I he wasn't at work it's ok to spend time with other people isn't it?

It sounds like the DP is jealous and that's an understandable reaction but he is BU in my opinion. Can't they all just be grown up?

My best friend is an ex. DH and he have developed a really great friendship over the years. Not surprisingly I suppose, they have one or two similarities in personality and interests. My former relationship with my friend has no bearing on my relationship with my DH so why would it be a problem? I trust him and he trusts me. It's just not relevant.

And that's that.

I have male friends I am in contact with on facebook and go out with. One is my gig buddy and I see text and fb him regularly. We were housemates for a while but never had a sexual relationship.

If my dh was insecure and unable to deal with my mix of male and female friends, we would not have a relationship now, it would not have lasted. I expect to have complete freedom (within bounds of finances other responsibilities etc.) to go out and spend time with friends of either gender. I will not cheat on him, he trusts me, I don't get tested myself though, which is a little unequal. Dh has no interest on socializing at all, so if he did express a sudden interest in meeting up with a female friend I would have cause to be suss as it would be out of character.confused

Every relationship needs to involve negotiation and compromise, sometimes you have tolerate the preferences of your partner despite not sharing/ understanding them, as long as there is no harm in it. accept what you can't change, change what you can't accept or something...

Op in your case talking and agreeing what you are both comfortable with is necessary, it sounds like you have come up with a viable plan to see your friend and I hope your dh can relax.

SilverClementine Sat 02-Mar-13 11:58:03

Wow I'm genuinely shocked by all the comments on here about people not being happy for partners to meet friends like this. I pity your insecurity.

Both DP and I have friends like this, we keep in touch tho not loads, meet up occasionally, sometimes together, sometimes apart. It would never occur to me to feel bothered by it. It's nice to stay in touch with people.

People seem so insecure, if you're all that worried about partners running off with a former friend with benefits then might I suggest that your relationship isn't all its cracked up to be.

Viviennemary Sat 02-Mar-13 12:14:51

The point is that people have to do what works for them. If each of you is happy to go out on dates with previous partners then fine. But if one of you isn't happy then it isn't really fine at all.

GregBishopsBottomBitch Sat 02-Mar-13 12:23:33

Gonna tell you all a little story:

Me and ex had been together for over 2 years and had a baby together, suddenly his ex gf he dated 20 years ago for about 3 weeks, hadnt seen her in 4 years (never had sex either), got in contact suddenly, i told him to contact her, as she made the effort, cue 8 months of lies and secrecy, flirty texts and all that shit (you know the script). he left me with a nearly 2 year old, severe depression and £100 and fucked off, 300 miles to be with her, me and DD never existed to him for a while after that.

So the long and short of it is:

Are you texting things that you text your female friends, like anything flirty or sexual?

If not then, YANBU, because your not treading the friendship/lover line.

If you do or even if your friend does, then YABU, because that is being edged towards.

Same for your DP, if he does those things in regard to his ex wife, then he is also YABU.

GregBishopsBottomBitch Sat 02-Mar-13 12:24:54


twinklesparkles Sat 02-Mar-13 12:40:28


peeriebear Sat 02-Mar-13 12:56:13

If I couldn't socialise with anybody I'd slept with, my social circle would be pretty dull and so would DH's. Because we are ADULTS, we have moved on with our lives and we can cope with seeing people we once shagged!

RatPants Sat 02-Mar-13 13:10:16

My general rule of thumb is if I have slept with them, they probably aren't real friends. I have several close male friends who I could never entertain having sex with precisely because they are my friends iyswim

If you didn't have that history, it probably wouldn't be an issue for your husband but the fact that you have complicates the relationship a bit I think.

PleasePudding Sat 02-Mar-13 13:37:59

YANBU. It is about insecurity.

I don't think it's any sort of LTB but good idea to make sure he knows how much you love and fancy him. I can see that if you've ha a long run of night (which can make you feel shit) the idea of working in the cold while your DP has fascinating conversation with someone she's previously been attracted to could cause anxiety.

However of course people can be friends with people they've slept with.. I don't want to jump back into be with any of my exs. But I still find their jokes funny, their company good and we have a good understanding of each other.

When I was first going our with DH he went on holiday with an ex who he was friends with, having broken up with about five years previously and it didn't bother me at all - I knew that he was massively into me. However I have to admit that 38 weeks pregnant with DC3 and a good 8 years of normal domestic drudgery gone by I'm not quite sure I'd still feel so wholly secure that he thinks of me as some sex goddess. smile

Maybe we all need some top-up security from time to time

motherinferior Sat 02-Mar-13 14:22:45

Oops. I've got friends I see sometimes, male and female, that Mr Inferior doesn't even know I've shagged in the distance) because weirdly enough we also manage to maintain sexual continence these days). Should I give him a list?

And just to make sure, what about snogging? The odd drunk one-off 22 years ago? People you fancied the pants off but never managed to get into bed? It's a whole new minefield.

Can't believe this thread.

Just because you once had sex with someone you should never speak to them again once you're married?!
I went out with a guy for 6 months, split up and then met DH, my ex boyfriend is one of my closest friends 8 years later, I don't think of him in that way at all, and it's never awkward.

We go on holiday together (as part of a larger group) without DH and everything. He is my friend, the fact we have seen each other naked years ago doesnt matter. confused

motherinferior Sat 02-Mar-13 16:17:16

Still thinking about this one. So, if you and a friend - of either gender - once in a fit of drunken boredom gave it a go, and it was all a bit of a disaster so you went back to being good friends, at the point where one of you started having regular sex with someone else you would have to break off your friendship on account of this one disastrous shag?

RatPants Sat 02-Mar-13 16:45:47

I just wouldn't sleep with any of my male friends, full stop really. It's a different kind of relationship for me.

IneedAsockamnesty Sat 02-Mar-13 16:45:50

Next he will be coming out with the old line

"I trust you I just don't trust him"

RatPants Sat 02-Mar-13 16:48:55

I don't mean to say you are all wrong for sleeping with your friends btw grin.

It's just that my friends are my friends because I don't want to sleep with them, if I did then they would be more than friends iyswim.

idococktailshedoesbeer Sat 02-Mar-13 16:59:27

This has happened in reverse with me, my DP going out for drinks with a girl he used to be very close friends with, they slept together on and off but were never a couple. I honestly wasn't bothered. Your DP is obviously feeling insecure about you seeing this guy. It's fine if he needs reassurance, but he shouldn't be able to dictate who you're friends with.

GregBishopsBottomBitch Sat 02-Mar-13 17:05:07

Thing is, he hasnt actually said she couldnt go, he just wasnt happy, if OP goes, then he'll have to get over it.

SilveryMoon Sat 02-Mar-13 17:48:14

Sorry went into town to do some shopping.
I have spoken to dp again about it. He says I'm not seeing it from all sides and if it was reversed I'd have a problem with him going out.
I wouldn't. Not really. The rational part of my brain trusts him and knows he wouldn't be unfaithful.
He still says he thinks it's odd but he said he never said I couldn't go.
I told him all the things that I put in my last post about how I am in a committed relationship and that I am hurt and offended if he is implying he doesn't trust me and that I don't know how to behave in male company.
I told him that I will arrange to see friend next saturday before a girls night and I can check in with him to let him know when I've left etc. He laughed and said that won't be necessary.
I think I just need to show him it'll be ok and I'll come back.
And in answer to the question about texting, no we don't text flirty, just stuff like hi hope you're well etc.
I spoke to my friend and apologised for the message I sent about dp being a knob.
Thanks for all your replies, all sides.

WafflyVersatile Sat 02-Mar-13 18:07:44

That sounds reasonable. Most people aren't 100% secure so I can understand that he might have a bit of a wobble but well done for talking it out and also standing your ground while offering some compromise to make him feel more comfortable.

BinksToEnlightenment Sat 02-Mar-13 20:04:36


GregBishopsBottomBitch Sat 02-Mar-13 20:58:58

And in answer to the question about texting, no we don't text flirty, just stuff like hi hope you're well etc

Then theres no issue, he probably just had a little blip, its obvious just a friendship, your DP has obviously knows he was being silly.

howdoo Sat 02-Mar-13 21:33:38

Silvery, I don't think your DP doesn't trust you, I think he doesn't trust your friend. You have said your DP is laid back, and friend is outgoing etc. I think your DP thinks your friend is a twat and that, by going out for the evening with you, friend is "flexing his muscles" if you like. I know it's not PC, but I think I lot of men are quite competitive with each other, and I think that is the root of this.

SilveryMoon Sat 02-Mar-13 21:39:59

Maybe howdoo I hadn't thought of it like that. Interesting idea.
I told dp when we first got together about this friend. I had arranged for my new boyf (dp) to meet some of my friends and I didn't want him to be the only one to not know the details of my friendship/history with this person because I didn't want anyone to think that they could mug him off.

I still don't really know the reason behind him getting the ump, but I'm not going to bring it up again.

GregBishopsBottomBitch Sat 02-Mar-13 21:43:16

Maybe he was having a shit day, or maybe he was annoyed that he couldnt spend a child-free evening with you.

SilveryMoon Sat 02-Mar-13 21:47:15


howdoo Sat 02-Mar-13 21:47:25

Heavens to Betsy, Greg, the DP was working that night (for the umpteenth time)!!

SilveryMoon Sat 02-Mar-13 21:48:44

I think Greg meant that dp was annoyed that he had to work and not spend the time with me. That's how I took it anyway.

GregBishopsBottomBitch Sat 02-Mar-13 21:48:50

How I know that, im not stupid. dont dance, aint no fire.

howdoo Sat 02-Mar-13 21:49:23

Come again?

howdoo Sat 02-Mar-13 21:51:28

Ok, sorry, understand now! (Still love saying Heavens to Betsy though!)

lakeswimmer Sat 02-Mar-13 23:13:19


I'm amazed at how many people on here think because you've had casual sex with someone years ago that you might still want to do it even though you're in a new relationship.

When I met DP I had a lot of male friends. I'd had a long term relationship with one of them and had slept with a couple of others, whilst others had always just been friends. They are now DH's friends too, most of them came to our wedding and they have their own partners and children too. I have no interest in sleeping with any of them and I would think my DH had gone nuts if he objected to my spending time with any of them

SilveryMoon Sat 02-Mar-13 23:24:41

Thanks. It really is nice to see that I am not alone in my attitude towards casual sex and then future platonic relationships.

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