To think babies can't be spoilt?

(66 Posts)
Softlysoftly Thu 28-Feb-13 15:18:33

Just that really. Should have stayed out of it but just got involved in a conversation about putting babies in/on something most of the time so they don't get "spoilt" by being cuddled.

AIBU that cuddling a baby won't ruin them for life.

We are talking weeks old btw not once sitting/crawling

PulyaSochsup Thu 28-Feb-13 15:19:58


Goldmandra Thu 28-Feb-13 15:23:44

Cuddles don't spoil babies of any age. Quite the opposite. They need them.


OooohShiny Thu 28-Feb-13 15:27:35

I remember the midwife who came out to visit me telling me it was impossible to spoil a baby with cuddles when I told her that my SIL told me dc was 'wiley' at 2 weeks old!!

Actually - I remember on day 3 in the hospital one of the midwives telling me not to sit with dc in my arms too long or I'd make a rod for my own back angry

countrykitten Thu 28-Feb-13 15:29:55

Cuddles should be in unlimited supply for everyone of every age. When I am in charge this will be in my manifesto!

YANBU you can't give a baby too many cuddles and they're not small for very long.

I remember when DS was about 4 weeks old, up until now I hadn't bonded at all and then one night he fell asleep and I just sat holding him while he slept for 2 hours, he had no problems lying in his cot to sleep, I just wanted to watch him and admire this cute little bundle of lovelyness.

Later that night I was told that if I keep doing that I will never be able to put him down, "rod for your own back". sad

They apologised though as they realised it had upset me and that my baby was completely different to how theirs was.

Shiny Snap!

Onlyconnect Thu 28-Feb-13 15:32:35

I agree that cuddles shoud not be limited. However they do get used to it and might want to be put dwn afterwards. I wouldn't call it 'spoilt' but I think that is what hapened with my DD. no regrets though.

leonardofquirm Thu 28-Feb-13 15:34:10

YANBU at all.

One of my pet hates is folk going on about how "oh that baby knows what they want/has you wrapped round their finger/you can't pick them up every time they cry" etc

Why not eh? Grr.

KenAdams Thu 28-Feb-13 15:55:02

YANBU. I totally agree with the Fourth Trimester Theory

Loie159 Thu 28-Feb-13 15:55:50

YANBU - you cant "spoli" a baby by giving it cuddles.... but maybe what they mean is that then small babies and children can get used to always being held and rocked to sleep etc? So if you hold them constantly for 4 weeks and then in week 5 were to decide you wanted them to be ok lying on their mat / in moses basket on their own, it might be hard / they would cry as they arent used to it. Its not a very nice way to say it though... spoiling .... as it does imply ruined forever! I know people who have always rocked their DC to sleep, one of them was totally happy to do this even with a 3 yo, the other found it really tough once DC was about 8 months old but then DC would cry and cry if not rocked. So maybe the phrases means more like this, rather than meant in a nasty, critical way?

Onlyconnect Thu 28-Feb-13 15:59:35

Of course I mean 'might not want to be put down afterwards'

Cooroo Thu 28-Feb-13 16:29:00

YANBU, absolutely. Used to annoy me when people said 'Is she good?' Of course she was good. How the fuck can a baby be anything else? They don't have malice.

At 16, maybe she has her moments...

CalpolInMyEar Thu 28-Feb-13 16:49:10

When my DS was nine weeks old we were away with a group of people. DS had colic and reflux and was very hard to settle. After watching me struggle with him for over an hour and then sitting down with him in a sling for a cup of coffee someone told me he was very manipulative and already knew how to get his own way. I was destroyed by sleep deprivation so I just stared at him until he walked away but wish I'd had the gumption to tell him to fuck off.

We worked hard to teach him to self settle later on and have even resorted to CC at times, but when they're tiny they just need somebody to cuddle them, and I think the parents need it too, I know I certainly did!

I gently suggested a woman on the ward next to me pick her endlessly crying baby up and cuddle him when we were both on the postnatal ward the night my baby was born. Hers was 18 hours old. She explained she would but she wanted him to learn to self-settle. I looked at her like this confused and said please cuddle him he's too little. He stopped the instant she picked him up.

I cuddled mine all day every day, he now at 10 weeks has decided he won't sleep on you and has to be put down to sleep. Babies are unpredictable at best.

What a dick Calpol unless your baby is an evil genius and he was onto him

Fairypants Thu 28-Feb-13 17:13:32

When dd1 was 10 days I want with my dm to visit her friend. I was really nervous as it was almost the first time id left the house with her. Dm's friend said dd had me wrapped round her little finger because I fed on demand - a 10 day old!!!
I felt so sorry for her kids after that!

mrsstewpot Thu 28-Feb-13 17:28:10

YANBU. Another snap with shiny here.

Neonatal nurse told me not to cuddle DS for too long and used the whole 'rod for own back' pish. And this was whilst in the low dependency room in SCBU and my first opportunity to care for him as normal without him being in an incubator.

In my hormonal, shattered state I did as I was told, however my Mum was with me and challenged her, saying, I think stewpot just feels like she has some catching up to do. I had been told to care for DS as though he was at home with me and cuddling sessions would have been exactly that.

Still feel mad looking back that as a vulnerable new first time Mum who had her baby whisked away at birth, dealing with being separated and a poorly LO, was told I had been cuddling too much and am sure she was just concerned DS wouldn't settle on his own once I'd gone home at night time.

NC78 Thu 28-Feb-13 17:49:57

YANBU I hate the idea that affection spoils a baby.

YANBU at all! I hate this idea that you should ration your affection! Why? Just why??

YADNBU babies can not be spoilt.

People say the stupidist rubbish I have ever heard.

Babies want to be loved and hugged, and cuddled.

MrsKoala Thu 28-Feb-13 19:09:35

I have been told that my baby is the smiliest, most contented baby people have ever met, that their babies cried for no reason and wouldn't go to anyone but them. Then in the next breath the person has said I am making a rod for my own back, my baby is 'artful' cheers mum and wrapping me round his finger because I 'spoil' him, they point out they never picked up and cuddled their babies on demand like I do. Hmmmmm I always wonder if they've spotted the correlation with cuddles and contentment, but think not. Sad really.

My mum and dad say don't cuddle him just because he wants it, leave him to cry. Yeah, that'll really teach that tiny bastard won't it confused when did child rearing become a battle of wits, surely you want to cuddle them too?

flippinada Thu 28-Feb-13 19:12:51

Not unreasonable at all.

I hate to hear talk of spoiling a baby - it's just not possible!

Sirzy Thu 28-Feb-13 19:16:13

When DS was 8 weeks old he was in HDU and I couldn't cuddle him for 48 hours it was horrible because it was what I wanted more than anything. I will never forget the first cuddle after that.

He is now 3 and I am happy to provide cuddles whenever he wants for as long as he wants!

Locketjuice Thu 28-Feb-13 19:20:19

Spoilt with cuddles and love. Most definitely not! My little boy is 1 and I would still most likely be classed as 'spoiling him' where cuddles and getting picked up is concerned but he's a baby if he wants a snuggle I am more than happy to oblige smile

PurplePidjin Thu 28-Feb-13 19:21:48

Babies need to be held in order to form a secure attachment to their primary caregiver (usually mum) or they don't feel safe. A human baby left alone too long thinks it's about to be eaten by a wild animal or starve/freeze to death - they cry to get their needs met.

I wonder how many modern mental health issues are caused or exacerbated by keeping babies at arms length from such a young age? I know the overwhelming response from ladies of a certain age to seeing ds in his sling is positive and slightly wistful!

5madthings Thu 28-Feb-13 19:24:42

Yadnbu, they are little for such a short time make the most of the cuddles I say, my eldest is 13 and bigger than me, I miss the days I sat snuggling a baby with their fluffy hair tickling my chin.

Two yr old dd is still very cuddly and my boys do all still do cuddles, but newborn cuddles are so lovely and precious smile

I wear my daughter in a sling most of the time, she loves it. She mostly falls asleep on me and we love our cuddles smile
Today an elderly lady said to me, oh I wish you put her down in a pram. I just replied that I like to keep her close and she loves it.
It's very beneficial for babies being kept close and cuddled! smile

SolomanDaisy Thu 28-Feb-13 20:15:18

mrsstewpot, I wonder if we met the same SCBU nurse? I am still angry!

leonardofquirm Thu 28-Feb-13 20:34:24

an elderly lady was a bit shock when she saw me with enormous 10 month old DS2 in the carrier. But she then smiled and said "oh you can have a wee conversation". grin

I am still front carrying as I've not got the hang of getting him on my back yet. I'll miss his wee hair tickling my nose.

Touch wood my boys have both been quite smily, I also put that down to plenty of cuddles. smile

McNewPants2013 Thu 28-Feb-13 20:43:35

so how does a spoiled baby react.

Softlysoftly Thu 28-Feb-13 20:44:49

There are some really sad stories here bloody people who can't keep their noses out sad

It just pissed me off as the conversation was with a girl I know who's young, a full time carer for her lazy fucking father and skivvy to her brother being told to use a bouncer from birth by her mates so she can get on with the house work and babies shouldn't get used to cuddles anyway. She agreed she didn't have time for a spoilt baby sad

She has no female influence as her mother left when she was little and never bothers with her and I only know her through dd1s old nursery (she was an assistant)

everydayaschoolday Thu 28-Feb-13 20:47:28

YADNBU. Lots of cuddles will make them feel secure.

Softlysoftly Thu 28-Feb-13 20:47:53

I should say that I have had a chat and hopefully made it clear I'm there for help/advice whenever and she needs to kick the males in her family into shape before the reality of a newborn.

I may have also gently rudely mentioned to the advisors they were wrong prats. grin

GregBishopsBottomBitch Thu 28-Feb-13 20:51:27

YADNBU, I loved cuddling DD when she was a baby, even now at 5 sometimes i just like to snuggle with her, nothing wrong with cuddling, i think it makes children more secure, because they've had that attention and felt loved.

carameldecaflatte Thu 28-Feb-13 20:54:22


If I hear "rod for my own back" one more time angry I cuddle my 8 month old all the time, he comes to me for a cuddle then crawls off to play/chase a terrified cat. He still sleeps in my arms for his morning nap and I will not give it up until he wants to. He sleeps 10-12 hours a night in his cot with no problems.

And country kitten, you have my vote!

laughinglemons Thu 28-Feb-13 21:00:49

Yayy I love this thread smile
No you can't spoil a baby - without love, cuddles, attention the won't grow / develop.
Holding them and sleeping with them has been shown to be beneficial.
Read Kiss Me, carlos gonzalez
I kiss and cuddle DD 7 months all the time smile
Have horrid MIL who thinks I am making a rod for my own back. Grrrr

mrsstewpot had that SCBU nurse not heard of kangaroo care?? confused

GregBishopsBottomBitch Sun 03-Mar-13 13:56:17

Cuddling gives a baby a sense of security, wellbeing and love, they need it, if you cant rely on your parents for a cuddle, who can you rely on.

My DD at 5 still sleeps with my t-shirts that i've worn that day, because its my smell and she feels safe with it.

IneedAsockamnesty Sun 03-Mar-13 14:29:07


Anybody who bangs on about spoilt baby's or rods for backs and good or bad baby's,is stupid

CheungFun Sun 03-Mar-13 14:34:21

I agree OP, babies can't be spoilt, but mums need to know it's ok to put a crying baby down for a few minutes to go to the toilet too :-)

DS is now 14 months and I'm so pleased he's learnt to kiss, it's the best thing in the world! He's not into cuddling except when he's ill, so I'm happy to lie down and cuddle up with him when he's poorly.

TotallyBursar Sun 03-Mar-13 15:01:00

All of mine have been held, hugged, snuggled, rocked and talked to almost constantly. By both of us.
We kept them close & never had feeding or sleeping problems bar our SN son that suffered badly with colic & reflux and keeping him up in a sling & close to my body was definitely best for him. I was constantly told he should be put down even after I said it causes him unnecessary pain and I wasn't going to.

I have happy, secure and independent children that are kind and give/receive affection freely. Most importantantly for me is they are happy in their own skin & confident to explore the world without me & without anxiety - I still haven't had any pokes from that rod.
I know lots of parents don't want to parent the way we do & I keep my beak out I have enough to concentrate on with my own children. I don't mind answering questions but otherwise wish others would do the same.

VodkaJelly Sun 03-Mar-13 15:20:47

My DD is 8 weeks old and I love cuddling her, if she cries I pick her up, if she is grumbly I pick her up. God help anybody who used that crock of shit about spoiling/rod for own back/wrapped round finger with me.

She is a little tiny baby who needs comfort and reassurance and I will pick her up anytime she wants.

She now likes to self settle at bed times and will happily go to her cot when still awake and drift off to sleep without being held. When she is awake I will cuddle her all the time because I love her.

MyDarlingClementine Sun 03-Mar-13 16:03:55

isnt it gina ford who espouses all this babys musnt be pandered too crap?

PickleSarnie Sun 03-Mar-13 18:11:25

Shhhhhhhhhh, clememtine. She who must not be named will come and put a curse on you causing you to adhere to a strict routine for all eternity.

GregBishopsBottomBitch Sun 03-Mar-13 18:21:26

What drill sergent type woman came up with that crap anyway.

Chottie Sun 03-Mar-13 18:22:52

I always cuddled my babies all the time. I think it made them feel secure and loved. I still love cuddling my DC even though they are grown up smile

MrsReiver Sun 03-Mar-13 18:28:34

DS2 is 9 days old, and yesterday a friend of mine told me not to cuddle him too much or he'll "start to expect it all the time."

On Friday the lollipop woman at DS1's school asked "is he good?" I replied "of course he's good, he's a week old, he can't be naughty"

She replied "no I mean, does he sleep well?" again I replied "no, he's a week old - they don't usually sleep very well"

She shot back "well my weans slept through at that age"

So I retorted with "This one doesn't - he's normal, not naughty" and I stomped off shaking my head.

She wasn't impressed, I'll be walking a different way to get DS1 from now on grin

TattyDevine Sun 03-Mar-13 18:28:52

Generally I'd agree. Few exceptions; some older babies respond well to just having a pat and a shhhh in the middle of the night to help get them back to sleep on their own; this is a valuable skill to have, whether its babies, parents or grandmas, as my mother said!!! (she has trouble with this!!! - possibly for other reasons but a valid point)

Second; in the hospital with 2nd child, cuddling her CONSTANTLY, and she wasn't feeding AT ALL. Midwife told us off (both of us, who were hogging her totally grin ) and said "she thinks she's still in the womb and doesn't need food". She had a point - we put her in her crib thing, removed a blanket, and about 40 minutes later she perked up and realised she needed some grub grin and that her umbillical cord had been rudely severed from herself.

GregBishopsBottomBitch Sun 03-Mar-13 18:31:28

Reiver Ugh, why do people feel the bloody need to compete with their childrens developement, so her kids were sleeping through at a week old, bully for her, all children are different. and your friend, what an idiot.

Yanbu, cuddle you baby as much as you wantsmile
You can never get those precious moments back x

smellysocksandchickenpox Sun 03-Mar-13 18:36:01

well this week I've had it suggested to me that DS gets sick and upset if lay him down flat because I have him "used to being held in that thing" ("that thing" being sling).. erm noooo, I use "that thing" BECAUSE he has reflux and lying down causes him pain! hmm FFS

ChunkyPickle Sun 03-Mar-13 18:45:45

When people talk about a rod for my back I just laugh, snuggle in closer and tell them that he's such a nice, soft, warm rod.

That either makes them give a little soppy smile, or embarrasses them enough that I can change the subject smile

yaimee Sun 03-Mar-13 18:50:53

I wish my 15mo would let me cuddle him, I only get one while I'm giving him his bottle! I wish he'd spoil me with some cuddles sad he's too busy nowadays!

mrsstewpot Sun 03-Mar-13 18:51:03

GoatBongos, I know - very worrying that she wasn't encouraging me to hold him as much as possible. I was trying to establish bfing as well and of course was behind as I hadn't been able to hold him.

He wasn't premature and so was quite lively - looking for stimulation and interaction. It was quite apparent she didn't want him getting used to that!

AlisonMoyet Sun 03-Mar-13 18:51:47

isnt it SPOILED?

yaimee Sun 03-Mar-13 18:51:53

I wish my 15mo would let me cuddle him, I only get one while I'm giving him his bottle! I wish he'd spoil me with some cuddles sad he's too busy nowadays!

yaimee Sun 03-Mar-13 18:52:40

I want them enough to post that twice apparently!

PopeBenedictsP45 Sun 03-Mar-13 18:56:25

Yes I had this with DD as I carried her everywhere in the sling. "She'll expect to be held all the time now!"

I said "GOOD."

I'm glad I did because she started crawling at six months and after that refused to be held/cuddled at all!

tomatoplantproject Sun 03-Mar-13 19:05:33

In that case my very smiley & happy baby who sleeps through is spoiled rotten. I cuddle her a lot and I feed her to sleep too. I am therefore a bad mother! But she is only 4 months old and needs her cuddles and quite frankly i don't have the heart to start controlled crying and don't want to change what we're doing to change her sleeping throughness. The only thing that makes me sad is that my back is too sore for me to wear her in a sling so she sits in her buggy and chats to me instead, and the sling is reserved for her daddy (who is also naughty and spoiling her with cuddles).

NayFindus Sun 03-Mar-13 19:10:48

YADNBU people do speak a load of cock sometimes don't they, is this not like saying 'oh my god don't feed them, they'll expect it ALL the time...' grrrr, love my baby's cuddles. I'm 39 this year and I'm often to be found whining 'I'm snuggle deprived, I neeeeed cuddles'. My 2 year old is well trained. I just have to open my arms and ask (but really, I shouldn't have to ask ffs....)

BubbleGunsGirl Sun 03-Mar-13 20:33:33

Absolutely agree that you can't spoil a baby with cuddles, feeding on demand, kisses, etc. But likewise i believe you cannot spoil a baby, a toddler, a child, a teen or an adult with affection, quite the opposite actually.
It is the gift giving, materialistic purchase (in place of affection or because of guilt) that can spoil anyone.
Ignore the comments and kiss your baby as much as you want.

smellysocksandchickenpox Sun 03-Mar-13 22:16:28

oh you can definitely spoil children! I know a child that cannot be taken into/past any shop without being bought something, and once they have that thing the novelty of it is worn off in about 2 mins and they're asking for something else

cuddles don't make spoilt children though, unless you are trying to raise a ruthless killer, and then yes, cuddles might spoil that plan a bit!

AScorpionPitForMimes Sun 03-Mar-13 22:39:03

Well, my two cuddles and fed-on-demand DDs are now 10 and 12, and you couldn't want for two more independent girls. And even better, they still like being cuddled.

I remember a friend of mine expressing amazement when DD2 (3 months old) was grizzly and in the middle of a growth spurt. She said 'You're not still feeding on demand, are you?' So I shot her my best sunny don't mess with me smile and said 'No, I just like to air my boobs out.' She never said another thing, and amazingly enough we stayed friends.

redwallday Sun 03-Mar-13 22:50:41

Babies don't keep. Simple as that really. One day they aren't going to want all our out pourings of affection, kisses and cuddles so enjoy it while you can. My biggest hope though is that when my children have children, they will cuddle them whenever and however it is needed smile

My daughter is 20 months and weighs 2stone 5lbs and I still carry her in a sling. She is always at her calmest in the sling and often snuggles into me and strokes my arms while in it. Even now she will fall asleep snuggling her mummy.

So I will say it again, babies don't keep! Enjoy them today because tomorrow they will be all grown up smile

dikkertjedap Sun 03-Mar-13 23:55:48

Totally agree. Also agree with all the posters that you cannot spoil any one (baby, child, whatever) with cuddles and love.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now