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To think mum has ruined 'surprise' baby shower deliberately??

(66 Posts)
chubbychipmonk Wed 27-Feb-13 23:01:38

Ok, so am 37 weeks pg with DC2. My mum has always been very self centred, opinionated, not very maternal etc etc. She's not shown a lot of compassion or helped a lot over recent weeks when both me & my DH have been working full time & it's been a hassle for her any time she's been asked (which is very rarely) to help look after our 3 year old DS. I finish up work this Fri for mat leave after a long, tiring pregnancy.

Anyway. . . Tonight on the phone to her the conversation goes:

Mum ' oh . . I got a text from your friend X today'
Me 'Really, what about?
Mum ' oh , you don't know?? Oh never mind'
Me 'know what mum, what are you talking about??'
Mum ' it doesn't matter, I'll speak to X (my DH) about it tomorrow'
Me ' what are you going to speak to DH about?? I don't understand'
Mum (in a now annoying coy voice) 'have you not been on Facebook lately?'
Me 'yes, why??' (Now starting to realise there's some sort of surprise planned)
Mum ' oh it doesn't matter, just forget I said anything'.

I then came off the phone & relayed the conversation to my DH saying how confused I was & then when I saw his face realised he was in on the 'surprise' too.

End result is my DH then text my friend who phoned really upset, I told her (& DH) that I still technically don't know anything so whatever 'surprise' has been planned is still technically not ruined. Said to friend, was she sure my mum knew she wasn't meant to say anything to which I was told that yes, she was fully aware it was a surprise and a secret. She's not a stupid woman so I'm inclined to agree. My gut feeling is that it's a baby shower that's been planned & I'm really happy that its been arranged for me but am now really sad to think my mum ruined the surprise deliberately! I still don't know any of the details so its still technically a surprise!

My DH is raging, this is the final icing on the cake for him (as I said, long list of previous episodes) but there's a part of me that would like to believe she didn't deliberately ruin the surprise for me, although I know deep down I'm kidding myself.

Why would she want to be so spiteful? Am I being unreasonable to think she ruined surprise on purpose? Sorry for spelling errors, a, typing furiously coz am upset!

Nombrechanger Wed 27-Feb-13 23:03:53

Mums can be bitches.

Sorry not very helpful.

she sounds like a dick. also sound like my mum. who would have also used nauseating couple voice. don't be annoyed just be pleased you have lovely friends. and practice this faceshock . wink

argh coy voice!

MidniteScribbler Wed 27-Feb-13 23:07:12

Baby shower for a second baby? Really???

Kytti Wed 27-Feb-13 23:07:23

My Mum's a complete cow too. I feel for you.

Love your friends instead. smile

chubbychipmonk Wed 27-Feb-13 23:08:16

Not really the point of the discussion Midnight. . . I didn't plan this remember!

If it was a one off or she has a bit of a habit of putting her foot in it then I would give her the benefit of the doubt. However, given you've hinted at previous bad behaviour I think she was trying to make it about her and played a game to make herself feel important/ drag the attention on to her.

SailorVie Wed 27-Feb-13 23:10:44

Mums can be selfish jealous idiots sadly.

midnight op not only didn't plan it... but it was a surprise. maybe worry about the actual op?

what chaz said.

chubbychipmonk Wed 27-Feb-13 23:12:17

No she doesn't have a habit of putting her foot in it except for the times when she opens her mouth & insults people without any regard for the consequences. Her favourite saying is (in a very superior voice) 'well your not going to like what I'm going to say, but I'm saying it anyway'. . . Am inclined to agree with you (much as it saddens me) that she's done it to make it about her.

AnameIcouldnotthinkof Wed 27-Feb-13 23:13:12

My mum is similar to yours. I feel for you OP.
Try not to be annoyed and just look forward to your surprise and focus on your lovely friends and DH etc who have planned something nice for you.
smile

Snazzynewyear Wed 27-Feb-13 23:16:13

Ok, so here's what you do:

- Go to whatever it is and be 'surprised' and have a great time. Tell your mate you have blanked it from your head due to pregnancy brain wink
- If/when your mum says anything else, if it's before the event, say 'Oh, there's someone at the door / the dinner's overcooked, I've got to go'. If she says on the say 'Ooh, I nearly gave it away on the phone that time', reply 'What, did you? I don't remember anything, I don't think I can have really been listening to you' grin

Don't let this be spoilt for you.

PedlarsSpanner Wed 27-Feb-13 23:17:51

yes much of my family positively ELBOW each other outta the way to spill beans/try to be The First to Tell stuff/are on the lookout, eyes peeled for ANY signs of owt being planned so's they can blab

mucho sympathy

if you were really evil you could get friend to text your mum and say that as you know about surprise she has canceled and will plan something else with details to follow. wink you go and enjoy your self with out her grin

thebody Wed 27-Feb-13 23:29:05

Oh dear. You know what you are pregnant so that's fantastic. You have a 3 year old and a dh that obviously loves you and kind friends who plan surprises for you.

Enjoy your party, maternity leave and family life.

Your mum sounds nasty and probably jealous. I can't get my head around that and neither will most posters in her who adore their Dcs and wouldn't do this sort of thing for the world.

Unfortunately you won't change her so just ignore her as best you can and feel sorry for her as she's the one missing out here.

Christ, if I wasn't an only child I'd swear you were talking aboutmy mother!

Sorry the surprise was ruined, but at least you get a party grin

And it might be no bad thing that your mother has shown her true colours, at least you all know where you stand with her now

mummymeister Wed 27-Feb-13 23:43:44

OP you need to speak to your mum after the do. start it off with "you are not going to like what i say but i am going to say it anyway" and then tell her that even if it was an accident then it was a pretty crap thing to do when she knew it was a surprise. TBH i would preface every unpleasant thing i had to say to her with this but then i have been in your position for the past 50+ years so perhaps have less patience/giving the benefit of the doubt than you do.

McNewPants2013 Wed 27-Feb-13 23:52:53

I am sorry your mum spoiled the surprise, but why isn't your anger also aimed at your husband. Why did he feel the need to text this friend and tell her all your hardwork has been spoiled.

chubbychipmonk Thu 28-Feb-13 00:20:40

I'm guessing they're in it & have planned it together, he was probably just giving her the heads up in case I started asking her any questions like 'why were you texting my mum'?

Catchingmockingbirds Thu 28-Feb-13 00:26:27

Yabu complaining about her not babysitting for you, but not about the party, it does sound quite deliberate. If that's the case then it was really nasty, don't let her ruin your day though, I'm sure you'll have a great time.

chubbychipmonk Thu 28-Feb-13 00:33:19

I wasn't complaining about her lack of babysitting I was trying to paint the overall picture of how unmaternal & uncompassionate she is given that on the rare occasions recently I have asked her to help look after her 3 year old grandson because I'm at work full time (not for a night out) its a hassle and inconvenience for her, at least that's how it seems to me sad

"if you were really evil you could get friend to text your mum and say that as you know about surprise she has canceled and will plan something else with details to follow."
Great idea! Without her there, you'll enjoy whatever your friend has planned so much more and your mother will be aware that she has shot herself in the foot.

Catchingmockingbirds Thu 28-Feb-13 00:45:24

If she's so uncompassionate then surely you wouldn't want her babysitting anyway, some people enjoy babysitting and others don't like the responsibility, I don't think you can judge someone negatively because they don't provide childcare for you.

chubbychipmonk Thu 28-Feb-13 00:49:08

Yes I agree.. However I am well placed to judge her negatively on the numerous other things she has said / done over the past 35 years. . I was merely using that one as an example.

INeverSaidThat Thu 28-Feb-13 00:50:35

She sounds mean. Personally, I would never ask her to babysit as I would rather pay someone to do it and not have to be indebted to her.

chubbychipmonk Thu 28-Feb-13 00:53:07

Inever that's exactly how my DH and I feel and have regular conversations about it, hence why she's only asked rarely when absolutely necessary hmm

It's not about the lack of babysitting!!

MammaTJ Thu 28-Feb-13 00:55:28

Maybe she is just excited for you. hmm

chubbychipmonk Thu 28-Feb-13 01:16:06

Thank you whereyouleft!!

myBOYSareBONKERS Thu 28-Feb-13 03:42:11

I would do what was suggested earlier and get DH to tell her it's cancelled. Really sorry that you have her as your mother. I hope you don't see her much.

MidnightMasquerader Thu 28-Feb-13 03:52:44

YANBU - sorry your Mum is such a self-absorbed person.

I would absolutely have your friend or DH get in touch with her and tell her it's cancelled. And then go ahead and have a good old knees-up without the spiteful witch.

There is no point pussy-foot around people like this; they're either too thick-skinned or emotionally dense to 'get it'. You have to be as forthright as them, and play them at their own game.

Good luck. smile

MusicalEndorphins Thu 28-Feb-13 03:54:41

Bummer. But you must now erase it from your mind,
<waves magic eraser wand around chubbychipmonk's head>

Kannet Thu 28-Feb-13 07:24:15

My mum has just done the same thing,my sister has big birthday coming up,we planned surprise and my mum just went and told her, plain spiteful

jackstini Thu 28-Feb-13 07:31:14

Chubby, unfortunately sounds like it's on purpose.
Even if she had forgotten it was a surprise, after your first query she should have just shut up, not gone all cryptic on you.

Kannet - that's awful.
Did you ask her straight out why she felt the need to do that?

usualsuspect Thu 28-Feb-13 07:40:10

Calling someone's else's mum a bitch is horrible. Maybe it just slipped out,i hate having to keep surprise parties secret.it's only a baby shower no biggie really.

usualsuspect Thu 28-Feb-13 07:43:36

Spiteful witch? Just yuk at this thread.

chubbychipmonk Thu 28-Feb-13 07:49:25

Usual, yes to not liking keeping a secret but you would still keep your mouth shut tho? It's the fact that she's undone my friends hard work & deliberately ruined the surprise for me that's really shit. As someone said earlier its coz its something not about her. And I know it's only a bang shower but that's not really the point? Very upsetting to think my mum wants to get all spiteful on me at 9 months pregnant hmm

myBOYSareBONKERS Thu 28-Feb-13 07:59:04

USUAL - it may "only" be a baby shower to you but it is the kindness of OPs friends and the hard work they have put in to do this which is so so lovely. Lovely friends.

It wasn't your mothers surprise to ruin or news to tell. Bang out of order and I would have a hard think about what you include her in in the future.

usualsuspect Thu 28-Feb-13 08:04:31

I can undrestand the op being annoyed and if she's happy to have loads of internet randoms calling her mother a bitch etc then carry on

fluffyraggies Thu 28-Feb-13 08:07:41

Thinking long term OP i would make a mental note to keep any future surprises for your children or adults in the family a secret from her.

You can enjoy the moment when you reveal the secret to her a couple of hours before the event, saying 'yeah, we didn't tell you because we know you find it hard to remember not to say anything'.

This will prevent her 'accidently' spoiling the surprise or, poor love, her having the awful burden of having to keep a secret. Sadly this will mean she will also miss out on the delicious excitement of the build up too - hey ho, we reap what we sow ay? wink

chubbychipmonk Thu 28-Feb-13 08:11:11

Usual, of course it's not nice having anyone all your mum a bitch. This is the problem, I always stick up for her, she didn't mean it etc. My DH has been calling her a lot worse names in the last 24hours & I was going down the whole 'may she did it accidentally' road but posting on here sadly makes me realise what my gut instinct was telling me all along, that she is a bit of a bitch & did it on purpose.

chubbychipmonk Thu 28-Feb-13 08:12:47

Like it fluffy! Also liking the idea of telling her its cancelled & then going ahead without her!

diddl Thu 28-Feb-13 08:14:17

Well only you know your Mum well enough to really judge whether or not it was likely to be deliberate.

I find your husband's reaction very odd though.

And your friend-crying??

Still, they'll neither of them tell her anything about anything in future, will they?

Whocansay Thu 28-Feb-13 08:18:24

I think everyone's overreacting a bit here, tbh. It's hardly the end of the world. What your mum did isn't very nice, but you can still go and enjoy the party.

I would tell her nothing in future if she's likely to use the information for her own ends. And I'd tell her that the party was cancelled, so she doesn't go!

I hope you have a lovely time. And congratulations.

chubbychipmonk Thu 28-Feb-13 08:22:20

Don't get me wrong, friend wasn't sobbing her heart out or anything but there was a wobble in her voice, could tell she was upset. Prob coz she knows this is the most recent in a long line of events like it sadly hmm

chubbychipmonk Thu 28-Feb-13 08:23:32

Thanks whocan, not going to let her ruin it smile

DontmindifIdo Thu 28-Feb-13 08:24:30

I do like the idea of telling her it's cancelled, then going ahead anyway...

It's sad when you realise that some people do need to have their involvment limited, but it looks like the case here. I guess it's a lesson to you all. It's a pity because she'll miss out, but if she can't be trusted not to make things about her in one way or another, best you do.

myBOYSareBONKERS Thu 28-Feb-13 08:24:39

DIDDL - I find your husband's reaction very odd though.

which reaction?

And your friend-crying??

so would I out of anger and frustration!!

DontmindifIdo Thu 28-Feb-13 08:25:53

BTW - my mum has a habit of making everything about her, I know it upsets my DH, not that what she does upsets him, but that he realises the effect it will have on me, he's upset that she's upset me IYSWIM.

MidnightMasquerader Thu 28-Feb-13 08:32:37

usual - I was going to call her Mum a 'spiteful old witch' but thought better of it. So it could've been worse. wink

lougle Thu 28-Feb-13 08:34:38

When I was a student I was going out with my now DH. I arranged to take him by train to London, kidnapping him first and had tickets to Phantom of The Opera.

I told his parents and explained the whole surprise.

After we'd been, DH said it wasn't that much of a surprise because his Dad had left a pamphlet about Phantom of the Opera on his bed the day before we went angry

It's deliberate.

diddl Thu 28-Feb-13 08:35:46

MyBoys-That he's raging!

So OP now knows that a surprise has been organised.

OK, not fantastic for the organisers, but hardly that big a deal either.

But there's obviously more to it, I guess.

MidnightMasquerader Thu 28-Feb-13 08:37:52

Isn't it reasonably obvious that's there's more to it? The OP wouldn't be starting a thread on Mumsnet if there wasn't more to it.

teacher123 Thu 28-Feb-13 08:43:54

Why on earth did your DH text your friend to tell her you knew?! You could have just looked surprised and not have told your friend who's done all the organising! I hope you have a lovely time.

chubbychipmonk Thu 28-Feb-13 09:02:15

Already explained that one teacher. . . Because he was prob worried that I was going to phone her & ask her what she was texting my mum about. He prob just wanted to give her the heads up so she had an excuse prepared but then they realised that I'm not stupid & the cat was well & truly out the bag! Think he was in on the planning judging by his disappointment & anger.

MidnightMasquerader Thu 28-Feb-13 09:32:39

My best friend and husband are good friends too, chubby - he would've texted her on a heads up basis, as well. smile

fluffyraggies Thu 28-Feb-13 10:05:30

Funnily enough OP we have a surprise in the offing for DD2 at the moment. It's her 18th. DH and i are going to take her out without saying what's happening one evening and 11 members of immediate family and closest friends are going to meet us and we'll all go to see Phantom Of the Opera together.

Needless to say it's taken a fair amount of juggling and switching dates around to get the tickets booked for 11+ people seated together in decent seats on a convenient day and time near her birthday. Hence a fair amount of re arrangement talks.

It's being quite tricky not to bring it up accidently in conversation with the family when DD2 is around. I live in fear of just blurting it out tourettes style grin

But my mum will insist on trying to 'mouth' things to me about it with DD2 right by her, or while we're in the car! I don't know if she thinks DD2s blind or stupid!?

So far - with much frantic ignoring, frowning and micro shaking of head from me - no damage has been done. But yesterday i had to say mum, if you want to talk about the plans for the outing pleeease ring me or at least wait till DD2 isn't sitting next to me! Arrggh.

DeWe Thu 28-Feb-13 10:46:35

It doesn't sound like she meant to ruin it deliberately from that conversation.

At university dh (boyfriend at the time) organised a surprise 21st for me. One of my friends came up and said to me "Sorry, I can't make tomorrow night. Have a good birthday."
Cue everyone else going "shhhh!" grin

Whitewineformeplease Thu 28-Feb-13 11:15:48
Pigsmummy Thu 28-Feb-13 11:23:06

Pretend to be surprised and never let on that your Mum ruined this, especially to her. Enjoy your surprise, might be lunch? A gift?

FakePlasticLobsters Thu 28-Feb-13 12:22:56

My MIL does similar things chipmonk and it got to the point were people don't let her in on things now.

She had a reputation for putting her foot in it or not thinking before she speaks. But she's not stupid either, somehow she always manages to say the wrong thing to the wrong person at exactly the right time to cause maximum upset. Time and again she has spoiled a surprise, used a happy occasion to cause upset or turned a bad moment into an awful one, all with a carefully timed 'thoughtless' comment or two.

People have stopped telling her anything now, unless they want it broadcast to the world.

We actually managed to be on 60 Minute Makeover with the entire family in on the secret, other than DH as it was his surprise, and PILS, as they would without any doubt have told him all about it.

I don't know what they get out of being the party popper, unless it is just that they are not the centre of attention, but eventually it does backfire because people just stop including them in the end.

if dh hadn't called I am pretty sure your mother would have just to "warn" your friend she might have "accidentally" spilled the beans

Lonelynessie Thu 28-Feb-13 13:36:31

Yanbu. My mum told me that my OH was going to propose to me when I had no idea so she totally ruined the surprise for me. We now don't tell her anything involving surprises as she would ruin it if she knew.

chubbychipmonk Thu 28-Feb-13 17:41:43

Thanks for all the replies, horrible to think there are so many people out there who set out to 'ruin' what's meant to be a nice surprise for someone!

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