to be upset with dh or am I over reacting?

(95 Posts)
RattyRoland Wed 27-Feb-13 22:58:06

I'm going to return to work part time. At the moment all bills are split roughly 50:50 dh and I (I'm currently full time).

Dh earns more than me. I suggested to dh that we could continue paying our bills etc 50:50 but that as I'll be part time he and I would share my loss of earnings equally, I.e if I'm earning £500pcm less than before, he pays me £250 and so we're both £250 less well off.

Dh was up in arms at this suggestion and said he had assumed we'd carry on paying half the bills each, as well as the part-time nursery fees, leaving me with a lot less income and him a lot more. Aibu? I feel he's been really unfair about this, he can easily afford to make up half my loss of earnings, I'm not money grabbing and we both want me to look after ds on my days off, its just I don't see that I should have next to no money and him keep all his earnings...

hmc Wed 27-Feb-13 22:59:52

Totally unfair of him, selfish git. What's his is yours and vice versa - you're married not housemates

He's being a twat. What does he spend his money on?

Possiblyoutedled Wed 27-Feb-13 23:00:14

He's having a giraffe I think op

Fairylea Wed 27-Feb-13 23:00:36

No he is wrong.

All money goes in and all bills come out. What spending money is left is split equally. You should have the same spending money.

LittleRedBonferroni Wed 27-Feb-13 23:01:34

I don't rally understand the way you organize your money together. It should be a pot - you pay all your bills and then you divide what's left between you. I also work PT and don't earn anything like enough to pay half the bills.

I wonder how you reached the decision to go PT - hwo did you discuss that with your dh?

Backtobedlam Wed 27-Feb-13 23:02:04

YANBU-if you were working FT he'd have to shell out for more childcare. He sounds very selfish, you're a family now and I think any income after bills should be shared equally.

maddening Wed 27-Feb-13 23:02:29

Yanbu - I think this is going to take a lot of working out you need a complete revamp of the FAMILY finances and of dh's attitude.

Euphemia Wed 27-Feb-13 23:02:53

Family money. Not yours and his. It's the only way.

I can't believe you've been paying 50% - why?

YANBU, but you need to get it sorted out. 50:50 was not right when you were FT; it's certainly not going to be right when you're PT.

RattyRoland Wed 27-Feb-13 23:03:01

He spends his money on clothes and stuff for himself mostly, I buy all dc toys, clothes etc.I've never asked him for money before, now I know why!

Bowlersarm Wed 27-Feb-13 23:04:37

He is wrong and being very selfish and tight. If my DH had that attitude we'd be teetering on the brink.

You need to get this sorted and agreed before it becomes a huge problem between you.

BellaVita Wed 27-Feb-13 23:04:59

Err he is taking the piss OP.

Put all your money into the pot, pay bills, buy clothes for DC etc, take same amount of spends each.

Euphemia Wed 27-Feb-13 23:05:08

Who pays for food, mortgage, utilities, council tax?

apostropheuse Wed 27-Feb-13 23:05:52

YANBU and he's being ridiculous and selfish.

Presumably you will be reducing your hours to look after a child that is HIS child too!

I would say, though, that it shouldn't he his and your money. If you are a family your combined income should pay the bills and what is left used for all of your benefit. That's how families should work.

KobayashiMaru Wed 27-Feb-13 23:06:01

and you are married to him why?

Whathaveiforgottentoday Wed 27-Feb-13 23:06:29

Yanbu. I have worked pt and ft over the last few years. We've got an arrangement by which we totalled all bills including petrol. Then we totalled both wages and worked out proportion that dh and I earn. We each pay that proportion of the bills.
Currently I earn 45% of the wages so pay 45% of the bills. When our wages change it changes the proportion.
The money left over in each of our accounts is our own to do with as we wish.
It does mean my dh gets slightly more money, but when we first started it, I was earning more so can't complain now!

RattyRoland Wed 27-Feb-13 23:06:49

Euph that's a good point, I've never asked for more money despite him earning more as I like to pay my fair share, it seems he doesn't though, git!

CloudsAndTrees Wed 27-Feb-13 23:06:55

He is BU. But more background is needed to decide exactly how unreasonable he's being.

If you are going part time purely because you want to, then I can maybe see his point. If there are other reasons for you going part time, like problems with your ds or with nursery or whatever, then not so much.

You shouldn't have to buy all the stuff that your ds needs out of your money either way. Your shared child is a shared expense.

Snazzynewyear Wed 27-Feb-13 23:07:06

Not fair. Me and DH have always paid into the joint account proportionally according to what our salary is. And incidentally, we did that at his suggestion, and at a time when he earned a lot more than I did. That is having a sense of fairness and decency.

Bluelightsandsirens Wed 27-Feb-13 23:07:15

We have a joint account and are both accountable for what the money is spent on - mainly DCs clothes and school stuff.

Wold that work better for you in your situation?

MyHeadWasInTheSandNowNot Wed 27-Feb-13 23:07:36


Just - why?

I really don't get this kind of set up AT ALL and fail to see how people get themselves into it.

Either you are a FAMILY or you aren't.

RattyRoland Wed 27-Feb-13 23:09:53

He pays food, about £80 a week, I pay petrol (all for him as I walk to work) £100 a week. Whoops looks like I should have sorted this a while back.

morethanpotatoprints Wed 27-Feb-13 23:10:55


I totally agree, whats wrong with family money that pays bills? I don't understand it either, it must cause such upset that needn't be.
Joint account that pays the bills current account for extras etc.

stealthsquiggle Wed 27-Feb-13 23:11:14

OP - rather than him giving you money directly, a less emotive way might be a joint account that all bills (including childcare) come out of - work out how much needs to go into it each month, and then split that in proportion to your incomes.

(same result, but not him "paying you")

YANBU, though. Not one iota.

RattyRoland Wed 27-Feb-13 23:11:58

Thanks all for reassuring me I'm not bu. I will address it with dh. It was a mutual decision for me to go part time.

EasilyBored Wed 27-Feb-13 23:12:27

You either need to put all money in one place and it goes towards everything, or pay in an amount towards bills that is proportional so you each have the same amount of spending money.

MortifiedAdams Wed 27-Feb-13 23:12:53

If you earn 40% of the total income and he 60%, then you add up all expenses and you contribute 40% of them and he 60%.

Is he unhappy at you returning to work ft?

Ask him, if he insists on 50/50, what he suggests doing should he lose his job or get in a position where he was unable to contribute 50%. His response will be pretty telling.

merrymouse Wed 27-Feb-13 23:16:40

I think the clue is in the 'h'.

You are married. Money is shared.

(Or alternatively, you could charge him for childcare).

Owllady Wed 27-Feb-13 23:17:39

it's financial abuse imo

have you discussed you going part time?

" It was a mutual decision for me to go part time."
And yet he still expects you to cover 50% of the bills? Words fail me.

We work our finances VERY differently. All income goes to the joint account. All family expenses are met from the joint account. (Toys for DCs are most definitely a family expense.) We both also have standing orders that transfer money from the joint account to our sole accounts. We both get the same amount of personal money. DH's income far outstrips mine at the moment, but that is honestly irrelevant. We are one financial unit, not two separate ones. Your DH needs to rethink his attitude to money. You are not his flatmate, and your JOINT DC are his financial responsibility too (and that includes toys).

Sorry to keep mentioning the toys, but it just seems like such an indicator of attitudes to me, that what little you have you spend on the DC whilst he spends only on himself. sad

JamieandtheMagicTorch Thu 28-Feb-13 02:43:17

I don't understand how people can be married and not trust each other enough to share their money.

Jamie I'd go one further. I can't understand how people are married and can spend 'their' money while the other person has less and suffers.

SissySpacekAteMyHamster Thu 28-Feb-13 05:40:30

I knew a couple who had their own money, wife used to grumble at the weekends when her husband could afford to go out and she couldn't! shock

EMS23 Thu 28-Feb-13 06:15:42

I don't get this either. My DH and I only have one account - our account.

From reading on MN and amongst my friends, it seems we're in the minority though but thank goodness because I'd hate it to be any other way. Over the years, we've both had periods of time where one of us has been out of work for whatever reason - I can't imagine having to worry about proportional inputs to the family income etc during those times.

OP - I guess my way wouldn't suit you, it's a big leap from your current set up but certainly YANBU and your DH needs to adjust his expectations. I liked a PP's idea about asking him what would happen to his 50:50 idea if he was the one earning less/ not earning at all.

Possiblyoutedled Thu 28-Feb-13 06:34:36

I disagree about there having to be a joint account tbh.
I'd hate not to have my own account but we both pay into a bill account to cover household stuff then any left over money stays in our personal accounts. He sorts the car I usually sort out the kids stuff eg clothes and activities. If one if us is running out or has a particularly big expense then the other will help out, it's called being concerned about the other person enjoying life as well.
Oh and since I had dd2 and went part time he pays more into the bill account and I pay less.
Have you talked to him yet op. maybe you should point out who is caring for his child whilst he ears his extra booty.

He is being unreasonable.

Each of you should be paying the same percent of your income on bills. Or, as you said, he pays an etra £250.

He is being very selfish

MrsTerryPratchet I don't get that either.

Although PD and I have seperate accounts, we each contribute 40% of our income to bills. DP earns more than me and his disposable income he spends on all of us, not just him.

Bunbaker Thu 28-Feb-13 06:49:14

"I don't understand how people can be married and not trust each other enough to share their money."

Exactly. OH's money and my money is our money. It all goes into one pot and everything gets paid from that pot. We also have separate savings accounts and the money for those also comes out of the joint account. I don't understand the "his money" and "her money" scenario between married couples.

OrangeLily Thu 28-Feb-13 07:02:52

shock How has this happened?

You earn less
You pay out more
You pay for all your kids stuff??


And now he wants you to have even less for yourself.

If it helps the way we split money is we have our own accounts, a joint account too. We both pay equal money in to joint account to pay for bills inc. mortgage and food.

I earn slightly more in a month so I pay that extra in to savings which are spent on us. I don't get things like a bonus but DH does. Again that's considered to be joint money but I do always make sure he gets something nice out of that like a jacket or a bit of tech he wants. He isn't fussed about this though.

EvenIfYouSeeAPoppy Thu 28-Feb-13 07:03:06

Wat Jamie, Myheadinthesand et al said. I don't get all the splitting of bills, his and my money etc. in committed relationships where the partners have children together, may own property together, may be married - aren't those things bigger commitments than pooling the family income?

Dh and I have one joint current account and joint savings accounts. We check with each other before big purchases - I manage the family budget and know roughly what's in the account at any one time so I do expect dh to check with me when he wants to spend a substantial amount - but otherwise we are both free to do what we want with the money that's available, after essentials, savings and dc's needs have been covered. I ditched my own current account and had myself put on his a few years into our marriage. We have complete trust in each other in financial matters and I can't imagine either of us being financially abusive - but isn't that the way it ideally should be in a committed relationship?

OP, YANBU and your dh is being odd about this.

EvenIfYouSeeAPoppy Thu 28-Feb-13 07:03:29

What they said, of course.

ZenNudist Thu 28-Feb-13 07:10:41

Your dh is being selfish. Does he pay for big expenditure - cars, holidays, jewellery ?

I hope you can set him right on this. Why not open some savings accounts you can both access as well as redressing the balance so you both have equal spends each month after buying dc essentials.

ChasedByBees Thu 28-Feb-13 07:14:02

YA obviously NBU. Could you run through a hypothetical scenario and say as you'll have not enough money to live on a day to day basis, you'll have to go back to work full time and you'll both have increased childcare costs? Try and demonstrate that his idea is not logical?

Although why he thinks its fair to have more money than you and for you to spend more - I think your problems are bigger than this.

KatyTheCleaningLady Thu 28-Feb-13 07:16:18

If he's not willing to totally revamp the family finances, then I strongly suggest that you not cut your hours to PT. Instead, you need to start socking away money so you can be financially secure should this go the way I think it may ultimately go....

MrsKeithRichards Thu 28-Feb-13 07:17:07

We only have one account too. I have never understood all this faff about separate spends. It all goes in one, the amount for bills is there and the rest for spending.

Iaintdunnuffink Thu 28-Feb-13 07:26:18

Yanbu. However finances is handled that is not fair. I would not be going part time if that's his attitude, I would also be making sure that he also pays 50% of the children's clothes, toys, any days out or clubs.

jackstini Thu 28-Feb-13 07:38:11

We have a joint account, all goes in, bills go out, some to savings, we both spend out of the rest, checking for big purchases.

DH went part time when kids were born so earns much less and we felt it fairer this way.

There is another way.
How many hours are you working? How many out of a full time week is childcare. Charge him for the childcare!

AThingInYourLife Thu 28-Feb-13 07:38:51

Don't go part time while you are still married to this wanker.

GirlOutNumbered Thu 28-Feb-13 07:43:32

We have separate bank accounts and one joint for the bills and mortgage.
I don't want to pay all my money into a pot, I enjoy wasting my money on shoes and pointless things.

clam Thu 28-Feb-13 07:47:49

I too am staggered at this "he pays, I pay" stuff between a married couple where there are no debt/serious over-spending issues. Family income, joint account.
Otherwise you're just going to have to bill him for a top-quality nanny's wages for the 2.5 days a week you're caring for his child. And make sure you clock off the minute he gets home and split the chores from then on.
Don't want to live like that? Then set him straight on his appalling attitude to his wife and family.

Baroozer Thu 28-Feb-13 08:02:50

Is there any way he would consider a family pot of money? You never know, he might not be doing himself a favour by insisting on this if he loses his own job.

If he is going to be a selfish prat about this and he isn't going to change, you should charge him. Someone has worked out how much a SAHP is "worth" if you add up all the tasks that get done.

I'm a SAHM and my husband has a well-paid job. When we were looking into life insurance it turned out that my monthly death-wage was only slightly less than my husband's, which was calculated so that we could maintain our standard of living. So if he was worth £2000/month dead, I was worth £1900/month.

olivo Thu 28-Feb-13 08:20:43

He IBVU. I worked part time, and even now, at full time, I earn significantly less than DH. We keep 100 a month each for ourselves, and all the rest goes into our joint account. The money we keep is to treat ourselves so for me, it might be reflexology or new clothes, for DH more usually something sport related. Everything for the DCs comes from the joint as do bills, holidays, savings etc.

EMS23 Thu 28-Feb-13 08:23:49

Girloutnumbered - I could still waste money on shoes and pointless things if I wanted. Having one account/ pot doesn't stop me doing that. My DH trusts me, as I trust him, not to waste more than we can afford to.

lottiegarbanzo Thu 28-Feb-13 09:01:24

I really thought marriage meant 'what's mine is yours', both ways of course, in a legal as well as romantic way. Does it not?

Pilgit Thu 28-Feb-13 09:59:28

I think the point is that when you are in a relationship and have house, mortgage, children etc together, the way finances are sorted out should be fair and agreed by both parties. Just like the housework argument the fairness can be judged by how much you have left of time/money for you after everything has been paid for/done. If that is not equal, you are not living in a fair relationship. What works for one family will not work for another but it is important that it works for you! This sounds unfair and financially abusive - as if he doesn't want to accept his responsibilities to you and DC.

In my household everything goes into a joint account and everything gets paid out of the joint account. We don't assign fun money - we are just both mindful of spending. Whilst not on mat leave I earn considerably more than DH (my tax bill last year was larger than what he earned) but he deals with everything to do with our finances (except for shares savings account) as that is what works for us - I am a bit useless with finances and it just doesn't interest me - this upsets DH as he thinks I should know for my own peace of mind (he's right) and is constantly on at me about it. As I trust him (and he provides me with spreadsheets and breakdowns of our spending periodically) it isn't a priority for me (I think he feels does it because of the disparity in earnings doesn't follow who deals with it and doesn't want me ever to think he's taking the piss)

countrykitten Thu 28-Feb-13 10:04:12

Why don't you just pool your money....very confused at how you organise things financially....very strange.

LaQueen Thu 28-Feb-13 10:17:12

Why on Earth have you been paying 50% of everything when you earn less than your DH????

Before we were married I only ever earned a fraction of what DH did. So, we split the household bills/rent proportionate to our incomes.

Since being married, and having the DDs I've only ever worked part time. DH still earns far more than me. Both our salaries are paid into a joint account...all the bills come out of the joint account...and what is left is Family Money which we both have equal right to spend on what we wish.

Neither of us are real spendthrifts - and we don't tend to ask permission from the other before buying anything (unless something major, like a sofa/car/whatever).

I tend to spend on a regular weekly basis, whereas DH will shop only a few times per year, but then blow quite a lot. It probably works out roughly even?

I simply couldn't be with a man who was tight fisted, or who viewed money as his/mine. I'd absolutely hate that.

Tolly81 Thu 28-Feb-13 10:35:13

YANBU, he is, but you do need to sort things now as sounds like he's been getting away with contributing less for a while now. I also think its weird not to just have a joint account but if you're not going to then you need to draw up a monthly budget together (so he's fully aware of how much you're already spending on ds) agree a set amt each month for spending money (ideally it would go into a separate account), anything on top of that goes into a joint savings account for holidays/other big expenses.

stealthsquiggle Thu 28-Feb-13 10:38:14

DH and I have separate accounts and we prefer it that way. However, all bills and mortgage go out of joint account, which we each put a fixed amount into each month. As it happens, we earn about the same at the moment, so we pay the same and split major purchases equally, but the principle of proportionate spending remains. You don't have to merge everything.

LaQueen Thu 28-Feb-13 10:42:40

Admittedly, DH is largely oblivious to all the bits and bobs that the DDs require...but, when I say they need new PE kit/school shoes/underwear/coats/tennis racquet/whatever - then we go and buy them, out of Family Money.

I would have his balls on a plate, if he was blowing money on himself and then baulking at getting the DDs new school shoes hmm

SirBoobAlot Thu 28-Feb-13 10:43:59

He's being an arsehole.

GhoulWithADragonTattoo Thu 28-Feb-13 10:55:34

Before we got married we used to pay 50 / 50 on everything (although it was genuinely 50 / 50 not as in your case significantly more than half) and had sole named accounts. We were both working full time though and each had ample money. As the lower earner I didn't want to be living off my boyfriend and wanted my own money.

After getting married we have one joint account into which everything goes and out of which everything is paid. I've had periods of working full time, periods of part time and periods of not earning. My DH behaves the same way regardless - what is his is mine and vice versa.

You really need to talk to him about your finances as he's being utterly unreasonable.

Andro Thu 28-Feb-13 11:03:30

Like stealth DH and i have separate and joint accounts.

His, Hers and theirs works long as it's done fairly.
DH and I didn't merge all our finances (the headache and paperwork wouldn't be worth it) but neither of us would see the other short of money. YANBU, your (D?)H on the other hand...

ExpatWifey Thu 28-Feb-13 11:07:17

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

dinkystinky Thu 28-Feb-13 11:18:46

DH and I have separate accounts and a joint account for joint expenses (kids, bills, nanny, tax bill etc). We earn broadly the same so contribute the same amount in and the rest in our personal accounts is ours to do with as we like. When I go on maternity leave I will be earning much less so my contribution to the joint account will go down proportionately (and I will have proportionately less of my own money to spend as I wish).

Tenacity Thu 28-Feb-13 14:35:39

OP, I feel enraged on you behalf, but I also realise that this is one side of the story.
What is your relationship like in general? Have there been other issues regarding money and sharing? I ask this because this seems like a symptom of something bigger.
It's blatant that your husband is being very selfish. Of course its fair that you shouldn't be the one to lose out, especially if it's a joint decision for you to go part-time. However, I struggle to understand why there wasn't a discussion about finances in the event of you going part-time in the first place?
I suspect there are some deeper issues that you might not have relayed about all this. Certainly from your description, the obvious ones are a lack of communication, team-work and a very negative attitude from your husband.

I do hope that you manage to reach an amicable solution, and that your husband sees the error of his ways. However, I am not sure how you change the attitude underlying your husband's stance. I suspect there is a lot more to this than what you have outlined.

Bunbaker Thu 28-Feb-13 15:49:53

"I enjoy wasting my money on shoes and pointless things."

So, do I. with OH's money in our joint account I have more opportunity to do so grin

AThingInYourLife Thu 28-Feb-13 16:08:58

"When I go on maternity leave I will be earning much less so my contribution to the joint account will go down proportionately (and I will have proportionately less of my own money to spend as I wish)."

That's pretty horrible.

In what kind of partnership is it considered acceptable for the woman on maternity leave to be poorer than her spouse?

I mean, really.

What kind of man thinks that's how he should care for the mother of his child?


stealthsquiggle Thu 28-Feb-13 16:20:53

That's how we did it when I was on Mat Leave.

In practice, it meant that DH paid for more stuff. We had less disposable income as a household, so we spent less, but he paid for more things and I had a credit card on his account. Complete merging of your finances when you both work FT and have bonuses, expenses, etc going in and out of your account would be a nightmare - our shared account is much more stable and predictable than either of our personal accounts.

BooCanary Thu 28-Feb-13 16:46:35

Dh and I have our own accounts and a joint account. We do it the other way round to a lot of posters. We decide what we can afford to keep as personal spending, and everything else goes into joint ac. So eg.we each keep £200 of our salaries per month, and e.g. dh pays £1000 and I pay £600 into joint.

If family costs go up we adjust the amount we pay in, so we are left with say £150 pcm each.

Op - your dh is being an arse. There is no way I would go part time until a fairer situation is sorted.

dinkystinky Thu 28-Feb-13 17:04:19

AThinginyourlife - I think your post was in response to mine: I currently split my salary 50/50 between joint account and personal account. I know I'm going on maternity leave so am saving up for it from my personal spending money so if the mood takes me I can spend money on going to the cinema/out for lunch etc - baby things are (and will be) paid for 50/50 by DH and I and expenses for our other children will be the same. When I go on maternity leave, I will receive less money in - I will still split that lesser amount 50/50 but DH will pick up the slack on the joint account expenses that I can no longer fund. I am "poorer" than my spouse because I have less of my own money to spend on whatever I like - my DH spends his own money on whatever he likes (which I know includes supporting his widowed mother) but will be funding more of the joint family expenses.

merrymouse Thu 28-Feb-13 17:19:44

Dinkystinky, please see baroozer's post.

Presumably you are going on maternity leave to bear and then care for your husband's child. Why on earth should this leave you poorer than your spouse?

GirlOutNumbered Thu 28-Feb-13 19:46:30

I've been thinking about this and my current situation.... If we had one pot of money, I would then by paying out for his maintenance payments for step son and also his car loan. I don't really want to do that.

Fillyjonk75 Thu 28-Feb-13 19:51:13

Your salaries go into your own accounts. Just pay into a joint account to cover bills and general outgoings each month, proportionately according to your salaries, and what's left in your own accounts is your own. Simple, or ought to be!

GirlOutNumbered Thu 28-Feb-13 20:01:48

That's what we currently do filly...think it's the best way,

EMS23 Thu 28-Feb-13 20:11:53

Girloutnumbered - I have a stepson so do indeed pay maintenance out of 'my' money that is in 'our' pot. Especially when my DH was out of work for 3 years and we didn't reduce maintenance payments at all.

GirlOutNumbered Thu 28-Feb-13 20:19:51

Is it awful that I don't want to pay for that..... Or his car loan? I also don't want to pay fonrhis credit card either. He is happy with the way we do things, plus we always but each other things or help each other out if necessary

EMS23 Thu 28-Feb-13 20:24:28

Of course it's not awful, it works for you and that's the important thing.

Eliza22 Thu 28-Feb-13 20:40:43

He's joking, surely?

Years ago, I met and married a man and we both worked full time. We had separate accounts and paid half of everything. We had a child. I went on mat leave and eventually went back on part time nights. He still expected me to pay half of everything. Out of guilt (he didn't want children) I used every last bit of my personal "rainy day" savings I'd put together, even before I met him. When they ran out he mostly referred to me as a "millstone around his effing neck". He left, when my son was 4.

I had 4 years as a single parent. I am now remarried to a man who sees us as a partnership. I don't work as my son is disabled and DH works abroad a lot. However, he NEVER makes me feel like I'm a burden and I work hard at home and the time we do get together isn't spent catching up on cleaning and ironing. I'm very lucky, I know.

I don't know what to say to you but I'm sad for you, in that situation.

Noideaatall Sat 02-Mar-13 23:56:16

I am in a similar position OP - but my DP thinks it's quite reasonable for me to pay for the place we live, all the bills, and half the food and childcare although he earns more than me. This is because he moved in with me and so he thinks he should only pay what it's costing me for him to live there - and nothing for the children. So he pays what I used to charge my lodger. I think this is totally unreasonable but if I bring it up we just argue. As the relationship is OK otherwise I put up with it. But it f**ks me off tbh.

Noideaatall Sat 02-Mar-13 23:59:26

ps I could actually cry looking at how generous some other DPs are.

Bluelightsandsirens Sun 03-Mar-13 00:11:54

No it doesn't need to be an argument he isn't a lodger he is a father and in a serious relationship, no?

I've no issue with the my account, his account, joint account. I also have ,y own account and transfer my wages on pay day into the joint account which we all live out of but all monies are pooled and spent togeather.

My DH nor I are generous but we are working togeather for our relationship and DC.

Noideaatall shock
You say the relationship is OK otherwise - how can it be? He wants to pay towards the household as if he is a lodger - but he isn't a lodger, he is a family member. Or is he? TBH, if he wants to play sillybuggers, there would be as much logic in him contributing how much it would cost him to live elsewhere as there is with this current arrangement. And frankly, I would be putting it to him that if he is not going to contribute fully to the household finances, then he can fuck off set up his own household and pay for that instead.

To take the stance that he has, he just cannot respect you, or care for your welfare, or the welfare of your children. Your relationship, believe me, is not OK. If there is no respect, there is no anything. Sorry sad.

nightowlmostly Sun 03-Mar-13 00:29:05

We have all our salaries paid into one joint account and everything is paid out of that. We just don't take the piss and spend too much money, and it works for us. My DH has just gone part time and I'm full time as we had a baby, I wouldn't dream of thinking ou money is mine because I earn most of it, it's family money and belongs to both of us equally.

OP yanbu, stand your ground and don't let him get away with impoverishing you because you had HIS baby.

Noideaatall it's not generosity. It's fairness, equality and love. If he wants to pay what a lodger pays, he can have the love, respect, sex-life, hugs, affection, care and inclusion that a lodger would have. i.e. none.

lottiegarbanzo Sun 03-Mar-13 08:01:21

Noideaatall, so they are not his children and he is making the point that he intends to keep the relationship that way? He will be your boyfriend (not partner, don't kid yourself) but not a dad to them. Sounds like he'd rather be an extra child himself. That's shocking.

Plumandpears Sun 03-Mar-13 08:21:58

There is nothing wrong with keeping finances separate once married, but this doesn't have to be the only way forward. I have lots of friends who get daily phone calls from their DH asking why they spent so much in Tesco's, or have to 'ask' before making a big purchase for themselves. So for that reason I am very supportive of keeping things separate to some extent.

However, your financial arrangements need to be FAIR. At the moment it sounds like they are not fair. The whole family should take a hit for the lost earnings, not one person.

You need to sit down and discuss everything for scratch, salaries, bills and what you will prioritise like holidays or a new car. Also discuss different ways you could work. Maybe you should look at all your outgoings and then pay in proportional contributions based on your salaries. In this situation you will pay in a lot less because you work part time. You may also want to set up a separate account which you both pay an agreed amount into for your children so that you don't struggle to buy clothes, toys or days out.

This isn't a personal dig, but I am surprised at how many couples do not discuss these things in advance.

SizzleSazz Sun 03-Mar-13 08:42:08

We have a joint account (for mortgage/food/bill/dc) which used to be 50/50 and has moved around since dc's depending on me working pt/contracting/sahm.

We still have separate accounts too as dh likes to spend all the 'free cash' available and I like to squirrel. We pay for our own cars/fuel/clothes/nights out etc from our own accounts

I have just realised he is paying 100% of monies into the joint account and me none. Oops. I have just gone back to work after a sahm period and haven't reinstated a dd to the joint account. When I do it will be proportional.

Hope those of you in unequal situations get something sorted soon smile

lottiegarbanzo Sun 03-Mar-13 09:19:46

Noideaatall, coming back as I found myself thinking but... I've read many more shocking and upsetting things on here bit your set up may be the most blatantly absurd.

Thing is, a lodger does contribute to bills, proportionately, as they occupy only one room. (Does you BF divide cleaning the same way - I'll Hoover my room, you do the rest of the house?). They shop and cook for themselves and stay out of the way. Is that what he wants?

You hold all the cards here, the nice, comfortable house, so there's no need for him to agree to a discussion, you can just tell him you are revising your terms, he may stay if he pays his share, otherwise he should find his own place.

Assuming you don't want to move, to buy together and pay equally (I'd want to get his attitude sorted out first.)

At the moment he is telling you he expects you to pay for the privilege of having him as your BF. The unpleasant question is, would you be such an attractive GF to him if you were not subsidising him?

FierceBadIggi Sun 03-Mar-13 09:32:09

DinkyStinky that'sa just not fair. Though maybe you should get together with my dh? I'm on ML, we do the paying equal % of income into joint account and then having equal spending money. While on ML, I've been able to use my SMP for the spending money, and all the joint money comes from him. Have now reached the point where I get no SMP - does dh think therefore an adjustment needs to be made so I have some cash? No he does not. I will get it, just seriously pissed off that he is being so thoughtless. He doesn't 'get' that the money he pays into joint account actually pays for his life, I think! Not really a grown-up.

StormyBrid Sun 03-Mar-13 09:57:24

I don't think you're being unreasonable about the outcome you're expecting, but I can see why your husband wasn't that enthusiastic. You've basically asked him to top up your wages so you can afford to work part time - it does seem a bit weird when it's phrased like that. Another conversation, phrased rather differently, would perhaps get a better result. Seconding the many suggestions to work out what percentage of the family income you each earn and then apply that percentage to divvying up the outgoings.

The nursery fees are a bit more of an issue to my mind though. That's not just a miscommunication problem, it's outright unfair - by reducing your hours he's paying less for childcare, so in effect you lose money in order for him to gain it. That definitely needs pointing out to him, repeatedly, until he recognises it as a problem.

YANBU. I don't understand how people can allow their other half to suffer because they're so selfish with money!

DH is out of work, so my salary, jobseekers and TC are our money in. As soon we knew DH was being redundant, I had my salary changed to be paid into our joint account and all the benefits as well. Why should I control the purse strings because I'm the main earner? I'm not the one who has to (eg) do the shopping every day and keep things ticking over!

teacher123 Sun 03-Mar-13 10:08:36

DH and I cover things proportionally to our wages. He pays all rent and car loan plus his personal bills, mobile phone, gym, car insurance out of his wages. He then takes an amount to spend on himself, which covers lunches at work, drinks, hobbies etc. this varies depending on how much we have left. Any other money goes into savings. Then I pay all household bills, council tax, water, gas etc and a personal loan that is in my name, phone bill and car insurance. I am currently on mat leave and the SMP has run out. So he's putting all left over money into the joint account and I'm distributing it as necessary. We are properly skint until I go back to work in April. But we're BOTH skint. Nothing new for either of us until I go back to work.

quoteunquote Sun 03-Mar-13 11:59:10

Over the last twenty years, sometimes I have earned considerably more than my husband, sometimes he has earned more,

We have always just chucked it into a communal pot, from which everything is paid, we share everything, because we are a team, it would never work other wise, it can't, or you then start to argue who is responsible for what.

Trills Sun 03-Mar-13 12:01:42

If you are a team you should have equal money to spend on yourselves.

One joint account, you both agree how much it needs, pays for all household and child-related expenses (inc food etc). You both have access to this.

A savings account - you both agree how much it needs - neither of you touches this without consulting with the other.

Two individual accounts - remaining money is split equally between them, you only have access to your own and can do as you please with it.

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