AIBU when meeting new people, to judge them by the way they speak

(111 Posts)
PennyBrowne Wed 27-Feb-13 20:51:23

When meeting new people, I tend to listen to the way in which they speak, and then make a judgement- however the judgement shows with a snobbish face which I unfortunately inherited from my mother.

This is the latest scenario:

I have recently been skiing with my DH and DC along with friends who we regularly travel with. My friend this year introduced us to her new partner, whom I instantly disliked! Firstly, upon meeting the chap he called me 'babe' 'sweet haart' (pronounced as spelt) and speaking like a cockney, I felt like I was on an eastenders set! Personally it triggered all kinds of snobbish reactions for example when he asked me 'do ya wanna drink' I sharply replied 'NO THANK YOU'. In addition he repeatedly arranged his .... and sat with his legs so far apart that when I was made to sit next to him I found my self crossing my legs so tightly that my nose and lips looked like old raisons; obvious I was disgusted.

My friend confronted me about the issue- and I told her I thought he was not good enough for her, bearing in mind DF is a solicitor and is very elegant. It did not go down very well at all- and now we're not speaking.

DH told me that it's becoming an issue, since whenever I meet new people who I dislike my Mother Snob comes out! It's so embarrassing but I cannot seem to stop!!

Am I being an unreasonable snob or am I being fair?

Advice??

usualsuspect Wed 27-Feb-13 20:52:21

Woteva.

IneedAgoldenNickname Wed 27-Feb-13 20:52:49

You're an unreasonable snob

biscuit

Foggles Wed 27-Feb-13 20:53:45

Margot???

amothersplaceisinthewrong Wed 27-Feb-13 20:54:23

Are you for real, you are being completely unreasonable. Do you have any friends left?

hellhasnofurylikeahungrywoman Wed 27-Feb-13 20:55:19

Hyacinth? Is it you?

Yes you are and I think it's great that you want to change that about yourself.

The first step is noticing it. Now you have to apologise to your friend for your abominable rudeness.

And then you do some voluntary work with a section if society that's underprivileged.

Once you've done that (because obviously you're serious about changing this) come back and tell us how you're getting on.

I wholeheartedly applaud you for trying to become less of a total cunt.

SmiteYouWithThunderbolts Wed 27-Feb-13 20:57:40

YABU and an unreasonable snob, but it's a promising start that you're rightfully embarrassed by your own behaviour.

That said, if you were genuinely as intellectual and well-spoken as you claim, you would know that it should be "friends with whom we regularly travel". wink

BegoniaBampot Wed 27-Feb-13 20:57:44

Tsk, tsk, so unsubtle - try harder next time.

gordyslovesheep Wed 27-Feb-13 20:58:57

'knell

usualsuspect Wed 27-Feb-13 20:59:01

The Trolls are rubbish just lately.

PennyBrowne Wed 27-Feb-13 20:59:17

I know it's terrible I cringe at the fact that I do it! But like Lauriefairycake says I've noticed it! I do have friends left but I think it's something to do with my upbringing!

Yes someone mentioned voluntary work!

Okay thank you Lauriefairycake, I blame my Mother, and my upbringing and background- but things already seem to be getting better fingers crossed

fuzzysnout Wed 27-Feb-13 21:00:55

I fink you iz jus wel jel.

Icelollycraving Wed 27-Feb-13 21:01:14

Disappointing.

Thingiebob Wed 27-Feb-13 21:01:31

This must be a joke. If not, your attitude is vile.

PennyBrowne Wed 27-Feb-13 21:01:37

Of who?

usualsuspect Wed 27-Feb-13 21:01:39

She is totes wel jel, innit blud.

You still must apologise to your friend, you can't fall out over this - you owe her flowers and sincerity.

Foggles Wed 27-Feb-13 21:03:20

Only elegant flowers, mind.

usualsuspect Wed 27-Feb-13 21:03:47

Not some nasty cheap daffodils.

Locketjuice Wed 27-Feb-13 21:04:07

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

PennyBrowne Wed 27-Feb-13 21:04:48

Agreed- we're meeting tomorrow for a bite to eat at lunchtime- never thought of flowers thanks :D

PennyBrowne Wed 27-Feb-13 21:06:30

Locketjuice- what makes me a dick lol- the fact I enjoy good company.... :S

Foggles Wed 27-Feb-13 21:07:02

You just lolled ! shock

PennyBrowne Wed 27-Feb-13 21:07:58

shit happens

SashaSashays Wed 27-Feb-13 21:08:05

Lol, fack me babes, this is well awk but u is lyk a proper twunt.

usualsuspect Wed 27-Feb-13 21:08:22

lolling is so common darling.

PennyBrowne Wed 27-Feb-13 21:09:59

Similar to people who use the word 'common'!?

As a non-Brit, I actually thought people like you were an urban myth.

I mean, it just seems so bizarre!

If this is real, then acknowledging the problem is the first step. And if your upbringing is causing you real problems, like losing friends and offending people, then therapy is not a bad idea.

usualsuspect Wed 27-Feb-13 21:11:55

Come on, Penny.You can do better than that.

PennyBrowne Wed 27-Feb-13 21:13:28

Aww okay thanks dreamingbohemian!

redlac Wed 27-Feb-13 21:13:49

I work for an voluntary organisation and you wouldn't last 5 minutes with the people we work with. Do not suggest volunteering to this OP

Bunfags Wed 27-Feb-13 21:19:28

Are you for real? You dislike regional accents? I've got an Estuary accent and I like it.

Thingiebob Wed 27-Feb-13 21:20:34

You are rude and judge people on the basis of their voice. It has nothing to do with wanting good company. It is just you having a nasty attitude.

Foggles Wed 27-Feb-13 21:20:46

I am very elegant.

I can walk with a pile of kindles on my head.

True.

PennyBrowne Wed 27-Feb-13 21:21:12

Not regional accents- people who do not pronounce their words properly- you may have an Estuary accent- but pronounce your words properly! So its nothing against regional differences.....

SashaSashays Wed 27-Feb-13 21:23:50

I think maybe you should list what particular things turn your nose and mouth into raisins then helpful mn'ers can point out why these are wrong.

PennyBrowne Wed 27-Feb-13 21:24:02

I don't believe its a nasty attitude- I think its basically hearing something you're not a custom to- therefore extremely difficult to accept- In my post I'm referring to a man who speaks lazily and who acts very gastly without any sophistication at all! Who speaks to my friend like she's a piece of dirt- get me this get me that. Shut up, and the worst phrase 'drop me out' whatever that means. When telling a story drop me out was a reoccuring response!

Locketjuice Wed 27-Feb-13 21:27:51

Your attitude makes you a dick.
So what, if you speak 'cockney' you don't enjoy good company.. Clearly if you speak 'common' you only enjoy the company of thief's and murderers! wink

IneedAgoldenNickname Wed 27-Feb-13 21:28:55

Does being a solicitor make you elegant? Or is it coincidence that your friend is both?

I ask because my friend is at uni doing a law degree, she is far from elegant, doesn't speak properly, and has 'Barbie' tattooed on the neck of her neck.

Still doing a law degree though

danidrury Wed 27-Feb-13 21:29:24

Am I when people don't spell judgment correctly?

Foggles Wed 27-Feb-13 21:29:49

You are changing your story now OP.

Your thread title was asking where YABU to judge people by the way they speak. Now you are saying that this man was acting very nastily to your friend.

PennyBrowne Wed 27-Feb-13 21:30:01

Locketjuice seems to be speaking from experience! The term Cockney was used to label my friends partner who only talks about football, how many pints he can drink in an hour and how many 'birds' he's 'shagged' personally I don't wish to hear these things nor talk about them!

BOF Wed 27-Feb-13 21:30:24

Still, at least you aren't a snob about spelling and general knowledge, so that's something.

Ginebra Wed 27-Feb-13 21:30:34

You sound so common OP

Foggles Wed 27-Feb-13 21:31:29

Did your elegant friend just sit there and listen to all of this?

RobinSparkles Wed 27-Feb-13 21:32:07

YABU babe.

Luckyluckyme Wed 27-Feb-13 21:32:35

Are your initials KH by any chance OP?

PennyBrowne Wed 27-Feb-13 21:32:49

A solicitor conveys a sense of academic rigor not forgetting my friends ability to converse fluently e.t.c Doing a Law degree is different from being a solicitor since they don't have a profession yet, just studying law!

My story hasn't changed, basically the man was acting unreasonable towards my friend! Likewise, to the children.

ChristineDaae Wed 27-Feb-13 21:35:53

Pft you'd hate me. Good job I already think pure a bit of a bitch!

Locketjuice Wed 27-Feb-13 21:36:01

Haha speaking from experience? Yes. Shit. You got me. I have a strong cockney accent and my best friend is a murderer! Your a prick end of. smile

MyHeadWasInTheSandNowNot Wed 27-Feb-13 21:36:28

0/10

BOF Wed 27-Feb-13 21:36:52

You're not worried about grammar either, then? Super.

usualsuspect Wed 27-Feb-13 21:38:15

Oh my, we have poor children now.

grin

BOF Wed 27-Feb-13 21:38:25

Why am I even bothering with this? MN is full of tripe tonight; I think I'll read a book instead.

usualsuspect Wed 27-Feb-13 21:38:47

Did you feel sorry for the children?

Foggles Wed 27-Feb-13 21:39:10

Same here BOF.

I think I'll go and take my elegant bones for a lie down.

usualsuspect Wed 27-Feb-13 21:39:23

Loads of 20p books for the kindle.

I read one last night, kept me off MN.

Fakebook Wed 27-Feb-13 21:39:37

You plonkaaaa. (Pronounced as spelled)

PennyBrowne Wed 27-Feb-13 21:40:15

Foggles no at times she did mention to her partner she wasn't happy with the way he was treating her at the time- yet he failed to listen. I guess his behaviour has just triggered an assortment of sentiments!

Thingiebob Wed 27-Feb-13 21:42:17

Your story HAS changed completely, plus for someone who judges people on pronunciation, you write badly.

PennyBrowne Wed 27-Feb-13 21:45:03

Am I concerned with the way I write on a social network site= I think not- I'm not re-writting my Dissertation!

OliviaKnowsBestMumsnet (MNHQ) Wed 27-Feb-13 21:47:40

Hi there OP

This is a rather puzzling thread - you appear to be asking for advice about accents and relationships and all sorts - is there anywhere else you think your thread might be better suited?
smile

usualsuspect Wed 27-Feb-13 21:49:07

lol at re-writting. grin

usualsuspect Wed 27-Feb-13 21:49:47

Like Netmums, Olivia?

PennyBrowne Wed 27-Feb-13 21:51:41

Re writing* *excuse the ipad corrections, my keyboard is French hence the spelling!

MyHeadWasInTheSandNowNot Wed 27-Feb-13 21:53:15

I can think of a place or two Olivia grin

PennyBrowne Wed 27-Feb-13 21:53:20

Olivia- Not particularly, to be honest I was just looking for sensible advice, there has only been one piece of advice worth any value, the rest, well highlights my point!

Sorry OP I can't understand what you're saying, could you, if it is at all possible as I wouldn't want to put you out, remove your head from your arse, it might reduce the level of shit your spouting.

Bue Wed 27-Feb-13 21:54:26

This is hilarious!

PennyBrowne Wed 27-Feb-13 21:57:09

Binky- First, I don't spout shit, and second I would appreciate it if you could refrain from 'riding again' in this conversation; gratuitous

PennyBrowne Wed 27-Feb-13 21:59:20

I'm finding this quite interesting too Bue... grin

Fairenuff Wed 27-Feb-13 22:00:01

I found my self crossing my legs so tightly that my nose and lips looked like old raisons

grin grin grin

That statement has made my day, OP.

Just how tight would that actually have to be. Could you crack walnuts for example?

Dawndonna Wed 27-Feb-13 22:03:03

Darling, do please apply your standards to your spelling, punctuation and grammar. All of which is pretty abominable.

PennyBrowne Wed 27-Feb-13 22:03:05

Sorry Fairenuff- that actually made me chuckle! I'll have to invite the 'chap' at christmas, at least I would be able to provide the family with walnuts pre-cracked! new party trick

PennyBrowne Wed 27-Feb-13 22:04:03

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

FadBook Wed 27-Feb-13 22:06:23

If this is real OP, then you need to honestly consider if you want to change how you come across.

I've re read your OP and you said your snobby mums face comes out and it did come across that you want to change. but follow on posts suggest not, that its a joke to you. So if you want to change that, then change it. A bunch of people behind a keyboard can't physically stop you doing that other than telling you not to do it.

Regardless of the person annoying you or irritating you, they are still a person with feelings, and your judgement is hurtful, patronising and rude.

If you have been brought up correctly, then you would have been taught manners and it isn't good manners to turn your nose up at people or "judge a book by its cover".

You may be right that this man isn't right for your friend, but it isn't your decision or opinion that counts.

Damage limitation, a bunch of flowers to your friend and a card with a "I'm sorry for not being the friend I should be" note.

HTH

Salmotrutta Wed 27-Feb-13 22:07:44

Your keypad is French?

I bet it has an elegant little Hermes scarf and everything...

Salmotrutta Wed 27-Feb-13 22:08:34

Miaow OP.

Poor Dawndonna sad

Dawndonna Wed 27-Feb-13 22:11:22

Sweetie, it's a pun, I'm hardly likely to use my real name here.

KarlosKKrinkelbeim Wed 27-Feb-13 22:14:13

I think her problem is she fancied the boyfriend. The obsession with what he was doing with his penis betrays her. I think you should shag him, OP - it'll do you a power of good.

IneedAsockamnesty Wed 27-Feb-13 22:15:17

Oh dear,

Was your mother a dreadful social climber who had an obsession with anything she deemed to be posh, as a child were you never allowed to play with the kids on your street just incase? Was there rather more concern about what those outside your home thought about you than is strictly needed?

All these things would lead to the behaviour you describe and would take a huge amount of work to fix.

I'm not exactly sure what concerns you about the reaction you have towards others, is it the lack of dignity you show or the lack of manors? Are you concerned somebody will work out that you have no elegance no decorum?

I can understand why you wish to change how you behave it must be very uncomfortable to do what you do,unfortunatly amongst those with good breeding looking down on others and noticeably treating people like that is about as classy as leaving a used condom on a table in a train.

In order to change you need to identify exactly why and what before you can see the how.

LiveItUp Wed 27-Feb-13 22:18:10

Poor attempt OP. Your shocking spelling and grammar belie your supposed upbringing. hmm

aldiwhore Wed 27-Feb-13 22:19:10

YABU for judging on the way he spoke alone. YANBU to form a judgement based on everything else.

I do suffer from instant judgement syndrome, but I've learned not to listen too hard to it, even though I may often be 'right' I am also wrong (first impressions count, a bit, second, third and fourth too, but a real fair judgement comes in my opinion from not acting upon these first few impressions and actually getting to know people).

I would not be happily married to my DH if I listened to that first impression minisnob voice too hard.

Bunfags Wed 27-Feb-13 22:19:54

Sockreturningpixie, I had a similar upbringing and rebelled and became a huge inverted snob. blush

PennyBrowne Wed 27-Feb-13 22:22:19

My keyboards French since I'm monagasque- my mother wasn't a social climber!!! I was brought up in Monte Carlo and where I come from we don't social climb! I think I subconsciously try to act as my mother does. My mother isn't really snobby she just has high standards; I lost my dad 1 year ago and living in a different country has accumalated into this problem! I know I'm snobby and I'm going to change, but sometimes I don't think it's a negative thing.

Salmotrutta Wed 27-Feb-13 22:25:32

Monaco now?

I feel very low rent...

Fairenuff Wed 27-Feb-13 22:25:35

is it the lack of dignity you show or the lack of manors?

Hilarious typo Sock

It just keeps getting better grin

Such fun!

PennyBrowne Wed 27-Feb-13 22:25:54

Aldiwhore that's the most productive opinion/advice I've been given! Thanks

PennyBrowne Wed 27-Feb-13 22:27:04

Where I come from is besides the point..

Salmotrutta Wed 27-Feb-13 22:27:35

Well, you brought it up.

redlac Wed 27-Feb-13 22:27:37

Dinnae go oan yon 'I wish I was Scottish' thread then hen cuz yea'll no understaun a cunting word eh it hen

Bet Scottish folk all sound common as muck to you

whethergirl Wed 27-Feb-13 22:27:50

I know I'm snobby and I'm going to change, but sometimes I don't think it's a negative thing

Either you realise you're an idiot and you want to change, or you don't.

Salmotrutta Wed 27-Feb-13 22:29:06

Steady now redlac.

PennyBrowne Wed 27-Feb-13 22:30:57

Sorry guys I'm just thinking aloud..

IneedAsockamnesty Wed 27-Feb-13 22:32:47

It is a negative thing if it causes your family upset
It is a negative thing if it causes your friends hurt

And it is a really huge negative thing if you are unable to tell the difference between tacky vulgar behaviour and having high standards

redlac Wed 27-Feb-13 22:32:48

Couldn't help myself salmotrutta

thebody Wed 27-Feb-13 22:33:22

What a boring self absorbed twattish post.

Old money is never snobbish by the way dear, too many dukes weee in related by birth to whores (Charles 1st and Nell Gwynne) their two sons were made dukes.

It's usually new money that's as daft as you.

I suspect you are tongue in cheek though.

apostropheuse Wed 27-Feb-13 22:35:24

Some of your spelling is awful and you're using words that don't exist - but you don't like how some people speak.

You're obviously not the brightest spark in the box.

IneedAsockamnesty Wed 27-Feb-13 22:47:27

Faire, it just made me chuckle but was accidental.

OliviaKnowsBestMumsnet (MNHQ) Wed 27-Feb-13 22:59:16

Right then,

<rolls up sleeves>
HERE is a link to our talk guidelines - in other words, peace and love.

And HERE is a link to the first helpful feature* I found when googling something I remember reading aeons ago about folk making judgements about others VERY quickly. (i.e. you decide if their gender/ethnicity/how educated they are)
This feature says judgements are made in a TENTH of a second
Truth is, OP, that if your raisin-face is affecting your DH, you need to rein it in.
or in other words, peace and love

HTH
smile

*Usual HQ disclaimers apply.

MyHeadWasInTheSandNowNot Wed 27-Feb-13 23:27:23

Olivia grin

doorbellringer Wed 27-Feb-13 23:32:50

LaurieFairyCake
I read your post with great interest the last sentence got me and I snorted my posh wine over my phone. Brilliant.

piprabbit Wed 27-Feb-13 23:37:48

<hands Olivia a gavel>

dothraki Wed 27-Feb-13 23:55:05

I don't know where you all live - but round here half term was last week grin

ErikNorseman Thu 28-Feb-13 07:46:19

Are you Katie Hopkins?

HecateWhoopass Thu 28-Feb-13 08:15:25

We all make judgements (assessments may be a better word) about people when we meet them. We take in everything about what we see and hear and use that to get a feel for the person in front of us. What we don't all do is look down our noses at people because of, for example, how they speak.

So while someone may notice an accent and use that to speculate where the person may be from, for example - they don't sneer at them, declare them Unworthy or have a look on their face as though the person in front of them had just jumped onto the table and taken a huge dump into their pint.

I think only unpleasant people look down their noses at others or think they are better than others. Only truly vile and breathtakingly arrogant people do that openly! I would judge a sneerer far more harshly than I ever would someone who has, for example, a cockney accent.

You do realise that "Cockney" is a very particular thing don't you OP. Cockneys are from a very small area in East London, and don't include every single person with a "vulgar" London/Estuary accent. In fact as Eastenders is (in the fictitious postcode of) E20 (I might be wrong, I don't watch it), I'd doubt it's anywhere near "Cockney-land"...

I make this point because DH is from South London and hates being called a Cockney...because he's not, a lot of Londoners get quite funny about it grin (he has nothing against Cockneys - his Granddad was from Bow).

Oh wow, the thread's still here!

OP let me expand on my therapy suggestion and mention that CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy) is really made for breaking bad habits. It's great for when you think maybe you should change a behaviour but it's really deeply engrained.

I know people tend to think therapy is only for really serious stuff, but being American smile I think it's great for whenever there's something you're not happy with and causing you grief.

It might be helpful to separate the two issues: there's nothing necessarily wrong with judging people, especially when they're boorish; but being really obvious about it is usually uncalled for. So it doesn't have to mean abandoning your mother's high standards, but just adopting a mindset that means you keep the judgments to yourself.

Also don't ignore the expat issue. I think one year in is usually when you are negatively judging things the most.

SusanneLinder Thu 28-Feb-13 11:47:03

The old saying-"don't look down on someone unless you are helping them up" sounds appropriate here.

FTR- I was introduced to a guy who was is the boyfriend of my daughters friend. Without meeting him, we all pre-judged him because he had been in prison, and classed him as a total chav.

Anyway-we met him socially, and he was a really nice pleasant guy, highly intelligent and he was very patient with my ASD DD who badgers people with questions. He had done something stupid in his younger yrs and paid the price for it.

I should be old enough to know not to judge people, and generaly I dont, and certainly not by the wy people speak.

Assuming of course this thread is genuine of course

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