To refuse nursery's request for a dummy?

(92 Posts)
WillowB Wed 27-Feb-13 20:49:23

10 month old DS started nursery 2 days a week a few weeks ago. So far so good apart from the odd wobble easily solved with a few cuddles...until yesterday. When I collected him his key worker told me that he had refused to nap & cried when they tried to put him in his cot. She followed this up by telling me that later in the day he had managed to get hold of another child's dummy 'which he really seemed to enjoy' hmm

DH collected him today & they'd had the same problem. Protested every time they put him down so ended up having two very brief naps. Key worker specifically asked if we would send a dummy & has also written this in his diary.

I'm really reluctant to send one as although DS had one for naps when he was tiny, I weaned him off it at 6 months once he could self settle & he doesn't have it now unless its an emergency situation e.g poorly/ wakes screaming in the middle of the night/has a major meltdown in.
I feel it's a bit cheeky of them ask really. What do they do with the babies that have never taken a dummy? My biggest concern is that they won't limit it just to nap time & he will sit there most of the day plugged in (this seems the case with some of the other babies). However I don't want to fall out with them & realise that they have no other means of getting him to sleep (hates being patted or rocked etc).

AIBU?

MrsMcEnroe Wed 27-Feb-13 20:50:31

YANBU. Your child, your decision re dummy.

IneedAgoldenNickname Wed 27-Feb-13 20:51:18

Yanbu.

amothersplaceisinthewrong Wed 27-Feb-13 20:51:31

YANBU. He who pays the piper calls the tune.

quoteunquote Wed 27-Feb-13 20:52:42

That doesn't sound very good, are there any other nurseries you could look at?

catgirl1976 Wed 27-Feb-13 20:52:54

YANBU

If you don't want your DS to have a dummy the nursery should respect that

It seems really odd they are trying to force one on him as a prop to get him to sleep

DS never had one and his nursery never suggested one, despite him being a nightmare for fighting sleep and trying to avoid naps

Just tell the he doesn't have a dummy so you won't be sending one

Icelollycraving Wed 27-Feb-13 20:55:02

Yanbu. I would question a nursery who wanted a baby to have a dummy.
Not using dummies is pretty much the only thing I always knew I didn't want to do & stuck to it.

RedHelenB Wed 27-Feb-13 20:55:17

Explain your reasons why not but tbh if it means a happier, more settled baby then I personally would. You say yourself thaty he still uses a dummy & I would say a new surroundings like his nursery is an emergency situation the same as waking in the night.

TheSeniorWrangler Wed 27-Feb-13 20:57:47

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WillowB Wed 27-Feb-13 20:57:56

I get the impression that they think it's odd that he doesn't have one as most of the other babies seem to use them. He does have a cuddly monkey that he uses as a comforter & he takes this with him.
Surely it's normal for him to be a little upset at the moment as he's still settling in?

aPseudonymToFoolHim Wed 27-Feb-13 20:58:30

Same thoughts as redhelen, it's the same as an emergency if your little one is distressed

Footface Wed 27-Feb-13 20:58:30

I think that maybe Yabu as he has a dummy in emergencies. He's only been there for 2 days so is still finding his feet. I would maybe give him one with the express wishes that he only has it to go to bed with.

libertyflip Wed 27-Feb-13 20:59:21

YANBU but if he has one when in an emergency at home, I would send one in for him to have in an emergency at nursery. I reckon, from his point of view, being upset in a fairly unfamiliar place without his family might feel like an emergency. I know you are worried about him having it all the time, but I would prefer this to him being distressed.

I'm pretty sure they gave him the dummy rather than him finding another child's though and if they did and lied, I would be angry.

GetKnitted Wed 27-Feb-13 21:00:20

he doesn't have it now unless its an emergency situation erm, lets see, you are now leaving your DS with (well selected) strangers. As far as he is concerned this is an emergency, at least until he has settled down there. For the sake of transparency I should say that my DS goes to nursery and I don't give them his dummy, and they know he does have one, but they haven't asked for it.

Footface Wed 27-Feb-13 21:01:10

I used to work in a nursery and it can be so difficult to get babies to sleep as it such a different environment and once they get over tired it becomes harder, and they end up bring quite distressed for the rest of the day.

Could you suggest rocking of stroking his hand?

WillowB Wed 27-Feb-13 21:02:31

SeniorWrangler , you're right he does find it a comfort which is why I'm torn. I know he would happily sit there all day with it in which is why I hardly let him have it. I would send it no question if I trusted them to use it sparingly but lots of the other babies seemed to have them in most of the time when I took DS for his settling in sessions.

ceeveebee Wed 27-Feb-13 21:02:41

I think if he'd never had a dummy before then you'd have a good point, but he has only really just stopped using it and is probably very unsettled in a strange environment- if I was you I would rather send a dummy then have him crying for one

CunfuddledAlways Wed 27-Feb-13 21:02:44

i would say you either need to completely not use dummy at home and at nursery too or send one just for naptimes...

to be honest i would more likely to chuck all dummys from home as you don't really need them - even in an 'emergency'

but then i never even attempted dummies with either of my dd's so i guess it depends on him

WillowB Wed 27-Feb-13 21:06:03

Argh, maybe IABU then. I just don't want him to start crying for it at home at naptime, I was really pleased he seemed to be able to self settle.

13Iggis Wed 27-Feb-13 21:07:26

My ds1 used his dummy more at nursery than at home, for a while. He would have preferred to be at home, I assume, and needed extra help to comfort himself. Then after a while he kept it in his tray, and would go and get it if he was sad (this was around 2 years though, not suggesting your 10 month old goes off to get it).
Maybe you have to weight up the benefits of him napping against the disadvantages of him having the dummy.

Icelollycraving Wed 27-Feb-13 21:09:48

Completely missed that one is used at home. Send one in!

Rosa Wed 27-Feb-13 21:10:18

To be honest if it makes him happy then let him have it...Dd only had it for sleeps and comfort .she gave it up herself 3 days before her (OMG) 4th birthday. She has perfect teeth and is bilingual...

WillowB Wed 27-Feb-13 21:11:50

You're right 13Iggis At least I'd know without the dummy that he would be more likely to be picked up/cuddled when he's upset not just have his dummy shoved in.

Sirzy Wed 27-Feb-13 21:12:54

he is 10 months, he finds his dummy a comfort. For that reason then YABU not to give it to him. He is in a new very strange situation and if that will make it easier then why not?

Just make it clear that it is only for nap times.

WillowB Wed 27-Feb-13 21:14:40

Just to benchmark how much he uses it, he's had it twice in the past week. Both times at 4am when he woke as he will not be rocked or patted etc.

TheSecondComing Wed 27-Feb-13 21:15:47

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Sirzy Wed 27-Feb-13 21:15:55

If he won't be rocked or patted and he is getting upset trying to go to sleep then what do you expect the nursery to do then? remembering that they have other children who also need attention and help to get to sleep

Viviennemary Wed 27-Feb-13 21:18:41

I'd just let him have the dummy tbh. As a short term thing. But of course it's up to you.

CunfuddledAlways Wed 27-Feb-13 21:18:54

i would not have given it at home if you are trying to get him it to give up...

but as you do give it to him then i dont know how else you expect nursery to get him to sleep?? they cant just leave him to cry as it will wake other sleeping babies

NumericalMum Wed 27-Feb-13 21:20:51

I thought YWNBU until I realise you use one at home! YABU if he has one at home ever! A good nursery will know all the tricks for getting babies to sleep so I would guess they have tried everything else!

My DC never napped much at nursery. She had no dummy it they could rock her in a bouncy chair!

BrainDeadMama Wed 27-Feb-13 21:21:06

I agree with others that your DS seems to need as a familiar comfort at nursery. Maybe when he is more settled there they could lessen its use as you have at home? Or perhaps you could specifically request it to be only used a last resort?

indahouse Wed 27-Feb-13 21:21:41

YABU
You do resort to dummies but expect strangers in unfamiliar, noisy environment to refrain? I would do wathever it takes to make this difficult transition easier. Stress and lack of sleep will cause more damage than a dummy.

BrainDeadMama Wed 27-Feb-13 21:22:37

seems to need the dummy I meant to say!

Skyebluesapphire Wed 27-Feb-13 21:22:55

I was going to say YANBU until I realised that you do use one at home. If he is in a new environment then he probably needs the comfort of the dummy so yes I think YABU on reflection. Sorry. grin

GentlyGentlyOhDear Wed 27-Feb-13 21:24:36

My 10mo dd has a similar dummy set-up. We don't use it in the day at all but she has it at night time and if she is particularly upset (been struggling with teething and earache recently).
I would send the dummy in and say it is just for naptimes. I couldn't stand the thought of my baby being upset and inconsolable in a strange environment, all tired and wanting mummy to come and comfort her. I'm a bit soft though...
I also think it is a bit much to expect the nursery to do your dummy-weaning.

FannyBazaar Wed 27-Feb-13 21:25:31

NHS website suggests 'Stop giving them the dummy when they're between 6 and 12 months old.' here as for someone else's dummy shock Yuck! Bleugh!! dummies crawling with germs.

mamapants Wed 27-Feb-13 21:26:47

I don't think the nursery is being unreasonable. Your little one has been upset, they've seen that a dummy does offer comfort so it makes sense.
Perhaps the other babies who have one constantly are like that at home and need one all the time.
In terms of what they would do with a baby who didn't have a dummy they would have to ask the parent what works for them. My LO doesn't have a dummy and never did and he wouldn't know what to do with it so no help he does however sleep well in his sling - if someone was looking after him for me I'd gibe them the sling as I would want him to have his sleep.

Megatron Wed 27-Feb-13 21:27:23

YABU. If he does not like to be comforted by being rocked or patted etc why on earth would you not wish him to be comforted in a familiar way by a dummy? He's still very young and you do use one at home. What are your expectations of the nursery staff on how to comfort him if he's in a state?

MalkieFraser Wed 27-Feb-13 21:30:40

My eldest got a boob in her mouth for naps or when she was upset - until I went back to work when she was 9 months. She was with caregivers in a different environment and quickly allowed herself to be soothed and learnt to nap in other ways. So no, YANBU

BimbaBirba Wed 27-Feb-13 21:30:46

My DS is also settling in at nursery and I so wish he would take a dummy at least he would go to sleep and find comfort. Incidentally he's never wanted one but I see this as a disadvantage actually.
What exactly is the problem with having a dummy? So what, even if in the worst case scenario, he starts wanting it more at home?
I don't get this ridiculous pfb obsession with dummies being a bad habit. And what exactly do you expect the nursery staff to do to soothe him if he doesn't want anything else.
YAB massively U

WillowB Wed 27-Feb-13 21:32:33

Yes I do use one at home but not on a regular basis & def not for naps which is essentially why I feel like I'm over a barrel.
Anyway I hear ya. I'm going to have to send one aren't I sad

Branleuse Wed 27-Feb-13 21:33:46

id let him have one if he finds it a comfort at nursery tbh.

McNewPants2013 Wed 27-Feb-13 21:35:16

Yabu, he needs this dummy for comfort.

I think it is unfair on the nursey staff to be dealing with a screaming baby when the simple solition in a dummy.

DonderandBlitzen Wed 27-Feb-13 21:37:30

If it helped my child settle and be happy and get enough sleep then i would definitely send one in. For them to be asking so persistently for one he must have been getting quite upset.

WillowB Wed 27-Feb-13 21:37:39

The exact problem with dummies is that when they are overused they can cause speech problems and language delay and damage teeth. I speak from experience as an early yrs teacher who has worked with many children with problems caused by unlimited dummy use. Not that I am suggesting for a minute that most parents are not savvy enough to prevent this happening. It has however probably made me slightly paranoid about DS becoming dependent on a dummy though. I was hoping to get rid altogether by the time he's a year hence I want him to use it less not more.

Sirzy Wed 27-Feb-13 21:39:39

Then you need to stop it at home and you need to 'teach' him how to self settle. To let him have it in the comfort of home and not in a new scary place is unfair and confusing for him.

Nobody is saying leave him with the dummy in his mouth all day, but for them to have it to use so he can get proper rest during the day is surely better than having an overtired, grumpy child?

CunfuddledAlways Wed 27-Feb-13 21:44:02

if you are that worried why did you give him one in the first place??

why bother if you where going to wean him off it?? then he may have found another way to self settle - you either need to drop the dummy completely or send it to nursery

gillian88 Wed 27-Feb-13 21:45:21

I think YABU. He's only 10 months, he knows what a dummy is and knows he likes it, yet sees other babies surrounding him with dummies and he's not allowed one. He doesn't understand that he's only allowed in 'in emergencies'

DIYapprentice Wed 27-Feb-13 21:46:01

Either stop using it at all, or send it in with him. You can't have the best of all worlds you know.

I'd let him have it at nursery tbh. Him not sleeping there is only going to spill over to home life if he's overtired unable to settle and you will need dummy even more in both settings. Either get rid completely or let nursery have one.

LolloRosso Wed 27-Feb-13 21:47:06

YANBU. You should ask the nursery to do whatever you do at home, as far as possible. Clearly you don't use a dummy at home during the day. Yes, he will need more comfort whilst settling in and it will be tricky if he doesn't like rocked/patted etc but if you can give the nursery an idea of one thing they CAN do to help your son, that would be better than going against your instincts which you will only resent. Does he like singing to sleep, for example, or swaddled in a blanket or something else?
TBH I would have reservations about a nursery that told me they had offered another child's dummy when you'd either not provided one or told them you wouldn't be providing one, and if you saw children with dummies in a lot when you were there I think that could be a sign of laziness on the part of the nursery staff, but only you will know that from observation etc.

midastouch Wed 27-Feb-13 21:51:57

If he still has a dummy when he needs comfort then maybe he needs that comfort at nursery, 10 months old is still young for a baby to be away from mummy (not that im saying he shouldnt be there) so maybe he just needs dummy til hes settled. Its better to have a content baby at nursery surely

MajaBiene Wed 27-Feb-13 21:52:26

Overuse of a dummy is a problem in older children, not with babies.

Will a dummy give him comfort, make him happier, make this transition a bit less scary for him?

You need to bear in mind as well that each adult in the nursery has 3+ babies to deal with at any one time - they can't spend as much time comforting or getting them to sleep as you would at home.

HildaOgden Wed 27-Feb-13 21:53:38

I think you are being unreasonable.I have worked in nurseries,it always made me feel sad when babies who weren't provided with soothers would swipe one from another baby/toddler.(as it sounds like your child did).It always...without exception...turned out that those babies were indeed provided with a soother at home in the evening/nightime.

Give him the soother.Or wean him totally off it at home too.

I think it's actually quite selfish of you not to....you expect him (and the nursery workers) to manage without it...yet you aren't prepared to do the same??

yummumto3girls Wed 27-Feb-13 21:53:57

I'm torn on this because if you let him have it at nursery he will associate it with nursery and expect it, it's a slippery slope. It is early days at nursery and he may learn to settle without it, it's all so new for him, noise, different environment etc I agree with others though you've got to either give it up completely or let nursery have one under strict instructions. It's difficult OP and none of us would want to think of our DC's at nursery upset and with no form of comfort. Make a decision and stick with it, it's your choice, don't be forced in to doing something you don't want to do.

MammaTJ Wed 27-Feb-13 21:58:04

I would be questioning how a 10 month old managed 'to get hold of' a dummy all by themselves. Methinks there has been some sneaky dummy giving going on by the staff.

I have nothing against dummies, both my DDs had two or three one until they were three. Not out of the house after two though. My DS was not interested.

You are the mum, the one who pays the nursery bill and therefore the one who gets to make the decision.

YANBU.

Flojobunny Wed 27-Feb-13 21:58:23

YABU the poor boy is distressed and u don't want him to feel comforted? He's 10 months old not 3!

WillowB Wed 27-Feb-13 21:58:56

Thanks Lollo I think you have summed it up. It's not the dummy per se but my trust in them that's part of the problem. And to the poster above, are you suggesting that because the other babies sit around with dummies in all day then he should have one too? I've never done this why should I start now? This is my point I'm not refusing him something he has at home. He doesn't have a dummy in the day or for naps. I'm not suggesting they let him CIO. They told me protested when they initially put him down then just lay there grizzling so they got him up & he didn't have a nap. He was fine otherwise not distressed or hysterical.

Sirzy Wed 27-Feb-13 22:00:12

If you don't trust the nursery then why are you sending him there?

TheSeniorWrangler Wed 27-Feb-13 22:02:58

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BimbaBirba Wed 27-Feb-13 22:06:00

If you are so adamant he shouldn't have a dummy at nursery and it's only to be allowed at 4 am (when it suits YOU) then why are you asking us for opinions? Sounds like you have made up your mind already!

WillowB Wed 27-Feb-13 22:06:21

sirzy it was the best by a mile when I was choosing somewhere, however the dummy business has unsettled me a bit.

SirBoobAlot Wed 27-Feb-13 22:07:01

YABU. If you are still giving him a dummy when he needs it, then he is not weaned off it, and still has the need to suckle for comfort. If he's distressed, it helped him when he got hold of another child's, and he was crying when put down, then think it's unfair to withhold it from him when he's distressed in another situation.

It's not as if they will be giving it to him for every minute of the day, but if you still give it to him, so to him it's still a comfort thing.

Ugh I really hate this bullying young children out of their comfort item just because you don't like it. If the poor little mite had a blanket or a bear you'd send it in with him and let him have it without batting an eyelid. The number of threads I read from people taking the dummy away and letting the child scream because a dummy doesn't suit the parent is astounding.

WillowB Wed 27-Feb-13 22:07:40

Erm where have I said I've made up my mind? I genuinely wanted opinions! I said up thread I would send one FFS!

WillowB Wed 27-Feb-13 22:09:11

Gwendoline feel free to have a go if you've read the whole thread. He does have a comforter which I send.

BimbaBirba Wed 27-Feb-13 22:09:24

By the way, there is some evidence that using a dummy after the age of three may be linked to speech delay or teeth problems.
Your DS is 10 months old!! You've got more than 2 years to wean him off it if you really must!
And why did you offer it in the first place if you were so concerned it'd be bad for him?
Ridiculous!

pippinsmum Wed 27-Feb-13 22:10:38

How do you know the other babies have their dummies in all day??? That is u assuming something.

It is obvious to nursery staff if a child has a dummy at home but for Some strange reason they don't allow it at nursery as the baby/child will make a bee line for another child who has one.

If your baby is upset, and would get comfort from a dummie then you are silly to not allow it when you use one at home. Just ask staff to limit it to sleep time and if he is really upset.

Also good nursery nurses don't stick dummies in their mouths rather than cuddle them. If you don't trust the staff, don't send him there!

MajaBiene Wed 27-Feb-13 22:11:45

When he is happier and more confident/settled at nursery then he won't need the dummy all the time and they can just give it to him for naps. While he is in this difficult transition period though you should let him have it as much as he needs.

WillowB Wed 27-Feb-13 22:13:05

Yes and two yr olds begin life as babies! They don't start using a dummy when they're two. I want to get rid of it completely before then. I don't want this to turn in to a bunfight over the rights & wrongs of dummies. Thanks for your thoughts. I'll send one next week.

HildaOgden Wed 27-Feb-13 22:15:57

When he has a nap at home,it is in the comfortable,familiar calm surroundings with his doting mother or father putting him to sleep in his own cot,in a room on his own (presumably)

When he is having a nap at nursery,he is being put in (currently) unfamiliar surroundings,with a stranger (to him) putting him to sleep in an alien (to him) cot,with other babies in the room.

You cannot possibly compare the two,or expect the two scenarios to play out exactly the same.Give him the soother to ease him.Then check the older kids rooms in the nursery,I'll bet you the older kids aren't being 'plugged in' all day.

TheSeniorWrangler Wed 27-Feb-13 22:16:46

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Teladi Wed 27-Feb-13 22:20:18

Willow, I know where you're coming from as my DD was in a similar situation (started nursery at 8mo, dummy for naps and bedtime ONLY). The truth is - she was very unsettled at nursery to begin with so they gave it to her more often than I would have normally liked if she were at home - i.e. while she was awake. She wasn't at home though and I think it was needed.

I would send one in since your DS does use it for comfort, but lay out the situation for them, explain you are keen to avoid him using it and your reasons, even write a note, and prepare to keep stressing your dummy 'rules' as your DS gets more settled. When you pick him up, ask them when DS had his dummy and in what situations this was given to him. I found this has worked for me. I hasten to add I have great confidence in the nursery DD attends, the staff have been amazing, but I know that dummy use varies greatly between families so I found I had to be quite clear on what is normal for DD. There are other babies/toddlers there that have dummies in all day, however I am pretty confident that they are doing as I ask. A few months later I had the opportunity to review DD's folio where there were lots of pictures of her participating in various activities. At the beginning there were a few pictures with dummy in, but subsequently dummy was nowhere to be seen. DD does also have a 'lovey' which I am more than happy for her to have when she is awake, I think that helps her too.

DD still uses her dummy for naps and bedtime at 18mo which I don't love, but it is comforting to her so I imagine the current set up will continue for a while.

As for the mysterious dummy procurement by your DS, I think it is a possibility that he saw an abandoned one and went for it, I've seen my DD do the same!

mamapants Wed 27-Feb-13 22:26:24

Mammatj and someone else has suggested that the nursery staff have given the OPs child the dummy. I don't think this is fair to accuse the staff of this. Why is it unlikely that a 10mth old got hold of a dummy?
My 7mth old is constantly stealing toys off other babies, he will crawl and steal dummy out of other babies mouths, try and get peoples biscuits and basically try and grab anything. If the OPs baby is crawling then he will be the same and more than capable of getting hold of a dummy.

Dp and I could search house from top to bottom and not find a single one of the five million dummies we bought but when dd started crawling garunteed she would always find one somewhere. It's perfectly plausible he just crawled over and took it.

WillowB Wed 27-Feb-13 22:33:30

mamapants haha! I wish! He doesn't even roll (a whole other issue!) if he'd crawled to get it all would be forgiven! I have no reason to believe they gave him one deliberately though I suppose it's possible.

TandB Wed 27-Feb-13 22:42:06

Definitely send the dummy. I was very anti-dummies until DS 1 was about 4 months old and the world's noisiest, moaniest sleeper. I cracked and gave him a dummy and we all slept fine from that day onwards.

He only ever had it for sleeping but he didn't give it up until he was nearly 2 when he willingly swapped it for a box of Mr Men books and never asked for it again. He actually didn't have it at nursery, but that was just because he used to get so tired there that he would literally conk out on the floor. No dummy or comforter required.

DS2 is 13 months and is extremely attached to his dummy. He too is only supposed to have it for naps, but if he sees one he'll have it straight in his mouth. He definitely needs it at nursery as he is quite sleep-resistant if there are things going on and it's much easier for them to settle him with it than without. I suspect he'll be harder to wean off it than DS1 but we'll worry about that in a few months.

There's no one-size-fits-all dummies-good dummies-bad approach. If he needs it for a while I'd let him have it nad review in a few weeks when he's settled.

MaryThornbar Wed 27-Feb-13 22:47:35

When I went back to work when my son was 12 months I was in a similar situation to you in that he rarely used his dummy at home. However I sent it in to nursery with him (attached to one of those dummy rabbits, so not as easy to leave in all day long!) and they only gave it to him to help him fall asleep for naps.

He still only used it occasionally at home, but I felt happy knowing he always had some comfort at nursery when I wasn't there with him, and that he would be able to fall asleep easily. HTH

HildaOgden Wed 27-Feb-13 22:52:13

How is he generally,WillowB? I just re-read your post and noticed it's only the last 2 days he has been unsettled...is he coming down with something?

MyHeadWasInTheSandNowNot Wed 27-Feb-13 22:53:48

Maybe one of the others (babies/tots) gave it to him as kids do.

I feel the same about you as dummies, but I think you are doing the right thing sending it in. You give it to him at home when he can't settle (twice in a week isn't 'rarely') and he's distressed when trying to sleep there, it only seems fair to offer him this comfort as you can.

When he's settled in there are you are no longer using it in the night if he's unsettled, you can tell them to stop giving it to him and if he doesn't sleep for a couple of sessions it wont be the end of the world.

WillowB Wed 27-Feb-13 23:05:10

hilda he's not exactly a sunny baby even when he's with me. He can be hard work probably partly down to frustration at not being able to move around yet & I've tried really hard to find other strategies to keep him happy during the day. Nursery seem to think he's pretty settled when he's awake though. He normally goes down for sleeps like a dream even in hol/at my parents & had done the last few weeks at nursery. The only time I've known him to cry when going down for naps was when he had an ear infection. I'll def keep an eye on him in case it could be something like that.

FannyBazaar Wed 27-Feb-13 23:26:15

When my DS was at nursery part time, he wasn't very good at the whole nap thing, I did get asked one day what worked to get him off to sleep and TBH I was quite surprised. I just assumed that as they worked with children and expected them all to nap at a certain time that they had a sort of trick, I'd always struggled with naps so gave up expecting them. My DS was never in a cot so could always crawl away if he didn't want to nap.

DonderandBlitzen Thu 28-Feb-13 11:48:37

It's probably hard for them as if he has been crying/protesting every time they try to put him in his cot then it might be disturbing the other babies' naps. Re what do they do for children who don't have a dummy, they probably ask what the parents do to settle them at sleep times, eg. cuddling, rocking etc. Leaving them in the cot to cry until they fall asleep is probably not an option when there are other babies' sleep to consider.

firesidechat Thu 28-Feb-13 12:01:48

Argh, maybe IABU then. I just don't want him to start crying for it at home at naptime, I was really pleased he seemed to be able to self settle.

I think this is a good reason not to give him a dummy again. You will only have to wean him off it again in the future. I am a bit biased though because neither of mine had a dummy and they still slept well.

Goldmandra Thu 28-Feb-13 12:14:58

i think there is an underlying problem her in that you don't particularly trust the nursery staff.

You think they may leave his dummy in his mouth all day against your express wishes and you also think that they would use it as a substitute for cuddles when he is upset.

You use is sparingly now to settle him when he's at home with you and something is troubling him too much for him to be able to self soothe. However you don't trust the nursery staff to use on in a similar way.

Why is this?

How would you feel if parents were withholding some information or resource which could help a child settle into your care for fear that you would abuse it and cause the child long term developmental problems?

I think you need to think long and hard about whether your child is in the right setting.

Goldmandra Thu 28-Feb-13 12:18:37

Sorry for all the typos! Pressed post instead of preview blush

MrsSparkles Thu 28-Feb-13 13:53:32

Hi WillowB. My DD has a dummy at nursery only for naps and I was very firm that she only has it for naps at home and she should only have the same at nusery.

I think they may have used it a little more when she was settling in (at 14 months), but I reminded them that she should only have it at nap time and since then no problems at all. I tihnk if you trust them enough to send your child there you have to trust them enough to follow your wishes.

MissLurkalot Thu 28-Feb-13 14:15:33

WillowB
I'm sorry you've come a bit under fire here.
Dummies are like marmite, love or hate.
I think you sound like you're a great Mum and that you only have your little one's interests at heart.
I think it comes down to long term or short term...
I understand you're worrying about bringing the dummy back in to play.. But like a lot of people said, settling a 10 month old in a new environment, away from you, IS an emergency.
But, I understand you might feel you're going back a few steps.
Parenting ha! One step forward, loads backwards!
It can be so frustrating can't it?
But, I think short term wins this one. Worry about the dummy reinstatement another day.
I'm a speech teacher and a long term dummy supporter. All 3 of my kids have had one.. With naps mostly, but my middle child was hooked on her dummy, and I had to work hard with her, aged 4, to give it up.
One of the problems being her little baby brother has a dummy and she would see him with it. But due to her being aged 4, I could reason with her. And she's now completely dummy free.
But, you can't reason with a 10 month old.
It sounds like you've got things sorted though.
It's not easy leaving your baby at nursery and I was high maintenance Mum when mine started! Lol!
Good luck with everything WillowB. xx

willesden Thu 28-Feb-13 14:41:12

Heartbreaking that he pinched another child's dummy for a bit of comfort. Send him with a dummy. Poor little mite.

Goldmandra Thu 28-Feb-13 15:14:07

Heartbreaking that he pinched another child's dummy for a bit of comfort. Send him with a dummy. Poor little mite.

I think that's a bit harsh on the OP.

He had access to a dummy and put it in his mouth. He wasn't aware that it belonged to another child or that he wasn't supposed to have it. He just picked it up and used it.

That is no more heartbreaking than him doing the same with his own at home.

Pandemoniaa Thu 28-Feb-13 16:14:02

It's a difficult one. I was all set to say YANBU until I realised that actually, your ds does have a dummy at home even though you are trying to wean him off it. I was fairly anti-dummy and wouldn't have been at all thrilled to be told to send one into nursery but that would have been because I didn't want my dcs introduced to dummes at 10 months old.

I think you either have to get him totally off the dummy at home or send one into nursery with instructions about how it is used. I don't think that at 10 months old, a dummy is likely to cause much developmental harm, tbh but it could be helpful to get your ds settled into nursery.

WillowB Thu 28-Feb-13 18:31:31

willesden that is slightly dramatic. I've seen friends babies who don't even use a dummy do exactly the same! There seems to be some sort of assumption on this thread that I'm a heartless mother who is happy to let my child sit & cry the whole day. There is no suggestion at all from nursery that he is particularly distressed other than some grizzling and moanng at nap times. It hardly amounts to child abuse!
misslurkalot thank you for your post its made me feel a little better. Yes I do my best but its definitely not easy confused

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